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#& like this might be selfish of me idk but ive been in general having some of the worst past couple of weeks of my whole life

agapintheskin · 9 months

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as someone who has troubles finding irl friends due to autism, fear, awkwardness, very little time and energy etc, having some sort of online community is essential for me to form friendships or at least likeminded people. People to talk to whether that's on a very superficial (fandom) level or then moves on to more personal things.

irl I've had some very good friends that I'd still consider ppl I love but I still have issues finding time and energy to meet them and essentially what happens is that you lose some connection over time, whether you like it or not, there will be things in your and their life that you might try and catch up on once you meet again but it will still feel like there's distance growing bigger and bigger. And I've also had plenty of friends, especially friends within larger friend groups, that ive lost due to fights, lack of shared interests, just growing apart.

In general, irl friends have never been close enough or stable enough to really trust them with deep shit or physical closeness. And for many reasons I've lost trust and got more anxious in getting close to people for fear of abandonment and, well autistic social reasons I guess.

On the internet it's very linked to my hyperfixations, lose it and the friends and acquaintances will most likely move on as well. Each time I find people that I legitimately have love for even if I will most likely never meet them, maybe sometimes because of it. I guess the physical distance tho sometimes lends itself to a different sort of closeness tho, more daring in what you open yourself up to.

At the end of the day I know rationally that those people I now, at this moment in time, found for myself, will not stay in my life for long, or at least not forever. And as an overthinker I'm already thinking of losing them, it's seriously annoying lmao. Like it's almost mean how I just know I'll have to say goodbye to them at some point while I'm actively having a great time.

All this to say, there has been people in my life, even recently, that told me they consider me their best friend and I have such difficulty to respond to that. It's not that it's not probably a mutual feeling (i don't know, what is a best friend?) but there's also expectations and fears connected to that for me. The loss would be bigger, the disappointment in me not being what they thought me to be would be bigger. It's so hard to explain. I just know that very few people so far have stuck with me, I don't have the strength to invest in friendships, i barely have the strength to invest in myself, and I know the people who consider me a friend, a best friend even, deserve to have someone that can't just make them laugh a lot but someone who can also be there for them when they're in trouble. And I'm so preoccupied with my own struggles that I can barely handle those situations.

I'm just a very selfish friend unfortunately. Idk what this is I just felt like writing this down, feel free to ignore, thank you if you read tho.

#personal

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thesugarhole · 8 months

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sanrio?? hello??

violin* and obsessed with money???? since when??? i mean. alright. i can give the violin to him AND cherry but its like, very barely there violin??

me to the sanrio ceo: "berry is violin" shut up if youve seen the stuff kuromi circa 2006 used to do youd hurl

also i dont think wallet status has ever been mentioned about these guys... in any media/franchise. they live in an abandoned looking mansion for the halloween aesthetic, not because of money. i can believe 'obsessed with money' but not 'poor'

hoping its either just google mistranslations or some recent developments ive been blissfully unaware of

>cinnamon

>her

its mistranslations. also this is personal headcanoning time based on how often the confusion happens but man you cant do this to cinnamon notorious trans man icon cinnamon. if he doesnt mind it then ill mind it for him djkhfdksj 'cherry is competitive and selfish' is correct btw this has always been her description. well maybe not competitive but definitely selfish. iirc it was always around "berry is stubborn cherry is selfish and theyre both tsundere" genuinely dont know where violin came from its gotta be a mistranslation on the nuisanse/stubborn aspect. i also dunno where 'weakness is strong-willed girls' came from, it might be talking about his friendship with cherry and how he might given in easier to what she tells him (at least i choose to think so) so i got no comment on it

all the pronouns being mismatched is so funny man come on shjfhdgfdsjvfdsjv is this profile using some sort of neutral language that left google confused as hell?

i. uh? should i be worried about espresso?

this ones... correct? espresso is more of a culture savant than a celebrity.... anyway berry if you kick him out there will be no one there to make you the food you love

nope! its magic and mirror manipulation. pranking is their hobby and favorite pass time but their magic is not limited to just the -its joke- context (sorry to once again quote the worst season ever of OMM, but they both tried to help out bakus family by making a photo of food they had emit scent, so the family would have an easier time eating plain rice. no jokering no jestering no clowning no malicious behavior whatsoever).

i remember being mentioned in older descriptions that berry had some potion making proficiency but they havent focused in that in years so who cares now amirite. i dont remember if cherry had any sort of distinction like this, theyve always overfocused on her crush on espresso :pensive:

"what about cherry"

"who? oh idk write smth about espresso again"

(hobbies include PRANKS, attempting to make friends (a general trait) making music (2018 rankings), having ballroom parties (cinnamon trip!! by oster project) and watching sentai/magical girl anime (onegai my melody). berrys particular hobby is to mess with cinnamon, cherrys particular hobby is to go after espresso. i guess.) (but again most of these are old one offs, and currently unfocused aspects of theirs so. whatever)

also i really would like to know the plans about the alt designs for them that are technically their true form and always show in their shadows and (sometimes?) in mirror reflections. it hasnt been completely dropped but, its never been hard defined either so idk. i guess i feel a bit bummed that its also been attempted to be forgotten to time because (to me feel at least) it feels very obviously based on the episode kuromi turned herself into a human and it could be something they were trying to establish to devil inspired characters back then.

thanks for coming to the lloromannic autism hour its nice to think about something else other than current personal events sometimes

*censorship

#sugar.txt #sanrio #lloromannic #cherry #berry #cinnamon #cinnamoroll #kuromi #onegai my melody #baku

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magioffire · 2 years

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ngl lately ive been kinda feeling like...super on the sideljnes and stuff? and i hate talking about it because it makes me feel selfish/gross, but you know what fuck it its my blog. but lately ive been wondering ‘is there something about my writing that makes it hard to reply to?’, ‘are people really that intimidated by me and my muse because i dont want people to be intimidated by me’, ‘maybe if i did art or pretty graphics i would get more people interested in my character the same way the other people who do art and make graphics are’ (lets not deny that theres still a big difference in interation between people who make art/make graphics and people who don’t/cant in the rpc since like...forever lol), ‘are people really that uninterested in shippy stuff compared to other muses cuz my muse isnt a ~conventionally attractive character with a super model body~’, and i’m constantly having to deal with people undermining vali’s body type, personality and other aspects about him that a lot of people seem to be wanting to him to be...idk, different from what he is? because he isnt what people expect? because people think he would be more ‘cool’ or ‘sexy’ if he was like this, this, or this. but i dont want to undermine by character because hes not the ‘easily shippable’ character in the rpc.

you might be thinking to yourself ‘oh but blair, you got so many followers, you got so many threads, you arent starved for attention so whats the deal” yeah thats kinda the problem isnt it -- its not that people *arent* interacting with me its just...it feels like people dont typically interact with me with the same gusto they do other characters sometimes. like most people are interested in my muse on the surface cuz im a popular rper/writer, but that interest doesnt go much deeper for most people. and its sad. when vali was a skinny cis guy it was WAY different atmosphere lets just say that--

and this isn’t to undermine the stuff people DO do for me, are invested in our ships and interact with me and my characters, or to act like a some kind of jealous whiny worry wart but. its just, you know. in general kinda stuff, and its been bothering me for a long time and i dont know how really to express it without seeming idk ‘ungrateful’. got a severe case of outside looking in thats all lol

#ooc.#vent cw #idk this has been bothering me for a long ass time i needed to rant about it #bleeeh #thank god its 1 am so no one will read this crap

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perhapsthanatos · 3 years

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10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

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completeoveranalysis · 3 years

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1/5 Thinkin about how the emperor, fwr, and ashura all saved/spared ‘Yuui’ but never with good intentions. It was done to make him suffer, or to make use of him for some terrible deed. thinking about how kurogane saved fai also and wondering if fai noticed how similar it was, or how very different. Because kurogane saved fai and in saving him, he condemned fai to continue his awful act of betrayal. But kurogane didn’t just say ‘live’

2/5 he said ‘if you want to die so badly, I’ll kill you myself, but until then, live’. Wonder if to fai’s ears that sounded like a promise, one kurogane didn’t know he was making – when the time came for fai to betray them, when kurogane realised what he had saved fai for, would kurogane kill him then? Before fai could hurt their children? Before fai could hurt kurogane? Maybe fai decided to cut kurogane off then, make that final battle between them a little less painful

3/5 only with a payment of more suffering now (good morning, kurogane). beyond that too then, as fai burned with resentment and regret and pain, as he used kurogane’s name as a weapon to distance them even as his need for kurogane’s blood drew them even closer, maybe a part of fai held onto that ‘promise’. Maybe it was the one real hope he allowed himself. before he could cause harm, kurogane would stop him.

4/5 It wasn’t until after celes, until truths had been revealed and limbs sacrificed (but in payment for something far more important) that fai really understood what kurogane had been begging him to do back then. kurogane would kill fai himself if that was what he truly wanted but before that, he had to live, to live and live and /live/. Not to suffer, not to regret. But to be /loved/.

5/5 this time, when fai was saved, it wasn’t to further a plot or inflict a punishment; it wasn’t out of selfishness or hatred. but out of love… //but idk, you feel me? Ive just been thinkin… also ngl this might not make any sense at all it's midnight right now and i'm just sitting here thinking about kurofai... (hope it was ok to send my thoughts to u tho)

6/5 shoot also just a heads up i mention fais general tendency to like... not value his life in the meta thing i sent you. Just so youre not caught off guard. Take care :)

If there’s anything I relate to it’s suddeny having entire paragraphs worth of character related feelings at midnight and having nothing to do with them- so thank you for sharing them! And YES. Oh gosh, the recurring theme in Fai’s life of people refusing him agency, and then having Kurogane step in and do the same thing? It’s JUICY with angst, and you really capture the raw hurt and calculated actions behind Fai’s reactions here. ESPECIALLY knowing what Fai knew was coming, and ESPECIALLY knowing that he was wrong about Kurogane the entire time, and even more so since his life was saved that final time purely for Fai’s own sake, out of love, and so that he could live his own life.

IT’S GOOD STUFF. IT REALLY IS.

#Excuse me I will spiral into thinking about this even more now #LOOK OUT MIDNIGHT HERE I COME #replies #anon #Fai #Kurogane #Kurofai #The juicy meta that I live for #Let me lie down and think about this angst for days #Anonymous

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sugasugawarau · 3 years

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The fact that you’re right💔 both of yall always bonk me💔yk ive noticed that the same way Monique reached out for me, I did that with Sergio. I’m always going after him whenever I need help👩‍🦲idk if that’s good or bad? But srsly if she feels happier without me, I’m alr with that. I used to coachsurf @ my cousins or Sergio place when I was younger🗿I’m alr just confused🙂 MADAM🧎‍♀️plz🧎‍♀️show🧎‍♀️me🧎‍♀️your🧎‍♀️ways🧎‍♀️on🧎‍♀️getting🧎‍♀️so🧎‍♀️many🧎‍♀️primogems🧎‍♀️-💠

Hehehe and we’d do it again (but lovingly bc this is out of care for u and ur wellbeing)

And it’s not a bad thing!! Ik it can feel like you’re being selfish or ig needy/annoying to rely on others (from personal experience) but that’s far from the truth :’) if they are there for u and are willing to help u it’s bc they want to!! And i’m sure you’d do the same for him and are doing your best to be there for him currently when he needs someone to vent to or smth

As for the whole mom thing mann idk :// I’m glad you’re alright but I hope you know that if she treats you like that she doesn’t deserve u. Also ily and I hope I can remind u of how wonderful u are :((

And HSHFHDHA okay okay wait this will be under the cut cause it might get long !!

Oki so idk if you read my reply to Arell’s ask and the tags on it but basically I am technically not a f2p and did spend abt $20ish to buy a Battle Pass (I think it gives total 680 primos but I cld be wrong) and one Welkin (gives you 90 primos for 30 days = 2.7k primos)

That being said though majority of the primos I got are free! I’ve been playing since I think October or November so I’ve had more time to build up my primos compared to others + I have not spent a single primo since I used up the free ones Mihoyo gave when I started out

The most important thing to do to get primos is to do your daily comms and get the extra 20 primos from Katherine which gives u 60/day. I think comms are AR locked and can’t remember when they unlock but if you have them unlocked do them all the time!! It’s a quick, easy and guaranteed way to save.

Another thing is to try and unlock all of the achievements you can, opening any chests you see and just playing through the story bc you can get lots of primos from completing story acts/they sometimes give rlly rare chests which means more primos >:) and speaking of achievements, there are a few « secret » ones that you can find youtube vids abt that can guide you through them!

Ooh and while sheer cold is kind of a pain, Dragonspine has SO many chests so it’s worth going there to get primos from chests too if you haven’t alr.

I think the hardest part for most ppl is to actually SAVE bc there are always new and cool charas coming out to tempt us ajdjfkkaf so if you want, try finding leaks about upcoming banners (there shld be some yt vids or reddit threads covering those, tho none of it is confirmed besides xiao and hu tao atm) and see which character interests you the most so you find saving worthwhile!

Also this isn’t to do with saving/getting primogems but if you rlly like a character and want to guarantee getting them, Mihoyo has this thing called pity rates. There are def sources that explain it better but the general gist is that soft pity occurs from around your 75th pull (i forgot the exact percentage rate but ur chances of getting a 5 star increases so around your 7th 10 pull you might want to switch over to single pulls) and full pity ig happens at the 90th pull (meaning ur guaranteed a 5 star)

#💠 anon #hopefully this helps!!!#marika chats

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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hi. im not sure of how to put this into words but i just feel like im off. Like Im not like everyone else? For as long as i can remember, ive always been content with being alone. like i love having people around me but id also be 100% ok by myself for a long period of time. i dont prioritize my friends and i feel like it seems like i dont make an effort to show i care about them but i dint even realize im doing it. its very rare that i ever really crave someone’s company and even then its not a desperate desire to be near someone. idk if this makes sense but it just worries me. because i do care about my friends and family but i guess idk how to show it? im just not good with close connections and it worries me. because even though im content alone i dont really want to be alone forever. but im not sure of what to do. i dont want my seemingly lack of interest to run people off. and i dont want to seem selfish by only acknowledging them when i actually am wanting someone around. idk. its like i love people but i guess i just see it as theyre going to come and go anyways??? i have no idea of what u call this feeling or of what to do about it. i feel like a ghost that plays games only when they want attention.

Hey there,

All of us as people are different and none of us are the same, so it’s only natural that you don’t feel like anyone else! There is also nothing wrong with being happy and content with being alone. Not everyone likes being around others either so please don’t be too hard on yourself! I’m kind of like you in that I live alone and I rarely see people or feel like I need to be around others, so my only form of contact is when I have appointments and that. It’s definitely a tough place to be in because on one hand your more than happy just being by yourself but on the other hand you see others around you together and at some point you may want this too but it’s hard reaching out to other people and putting them first and having a connection with them when you don’t really see others. I hope that made sense?

You are also right in saying that friends and people in general will come and go in life but there will also be one or two people that you will form a strong connection with (whether it’s a relationship or just a friendship) and so in saying this I know that you won’t be alone forever! The hard part in this though however is that you don’t always know when you will meet these people, so it’s kind of a waiting game sometimes.

I know and completely understand that you don’t want other people to think that you are being selfish by only acknowledging others when you are wanting that contact with them, but try not to be too hard on yourself because I can assure you that you are not the only person who is like you. There will always be people in life that like you, don’t need as much human connection that others may be needing but this is not always a bad thing. For example with covid-19 and there being big lockdowns across the world meant that some people were left alone and weren’t able to have that contact that they usually would with another – so being OK with being alone can actually come in handy at some points!

With the people that you do have in your life, are you able to talk to them in regards to not seeing or catching up with them much? This may help put your mind at ease and may also help with the connections with others that you already have as they will know why at times you just want to be left alone and so will be understanding of that and no doubt will appreciate your openness and honesty and especially as I know that some people may feel as though they might have done something wrong if a friend wasn’t in contact with them as much as others are. It’s always good be upfront and on the same page as others as a whole!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that I am thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #beign alone #not needing constant contact with others happy #happy being alone #scared for future relationships

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blue-hi · 4 years

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i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

#i don't know what else to say or do

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bananaman-mp3 · 2 years

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Ten

hey uh… sorry for being gone so long i had a LOT of shit to do and im very weak so sacrificing my sleeping hours is unadvisable and detrimental to me. so i have a plan to read in a lot and then queue the posts to 1 every three days or so, to try and keep some consistency… idk if itll work well though, so well see.

also! i have the rest of the books, so i dont have an excuse not to finish this anymore. lets see how it goes. hopefully i dont abandon this.

anyway.

chapter 10, according to my calculations, around the first quarter of the way through.

we start out with our darling mare, here, thinking about how theres nuance to the red/silver division and shes right in the middle of it, which is a great way for me to bring up something that ive wondered and i think i havent rambled about yet.

is mare really the first red that differs from the norm, like, ever? because that sounds unlikely. theres mentions of other kingdoms in this book, and even then, kingdoms are usually big. whos to say there arent any other powerful reds hiding because they knew as soon as they found out, theyd be persecuted for being different, even if they arent at fault. or hell, how about a silver with no powers? has that ever happened? i bet their families would try to hide their existence from the rest of the world or outright execute them. i dont know which ones worse. maybe theyd be disowned and sent to live with the reds. all of these are great book worthy ideas as well.

i have the feeling that there might be more reds out there with powers too, and the story will head that way. for all i know the scarlet guard could be precisely this! maybe a new generation is born with powers through evolution, because it hasnt been explained yet if in this universe theres always been reds and silvers or if this was the product of evolution or even of genetic alterations. theres so much to talk about here, like, what if a silver and a red have kids? what are they like? are they powerful reds or powerless silvers? only reds or silvers? can they even have children together? is mare secretly the product of one such union? who knows. not me, thats for sure.

mare attempts to get into character here. also- is mareena pronounced as mare-ena or marina? cals joke about mare being a good nickname hint towards the former, but who knows, maybe this is a heavily debated topic in the fandom. whats the general consensus, here? comments are appreciated. well, back on the story, mareena seems to be a cold unimpressionable girl, for mare.

people are talking about her, and tiberias (is it ty-berias or tee-berias?) and elara stand above everyone else. as our girl here said “To look powerful is to be powerful.”

cal is seems displeased and maven absolutely pissed. damn. these two seem interesting, but i sense their dynamic is gonna be one of those “noble and kind older brother, resentful and selfish younger brother” which hm. i dont know if i like that. but i dont wanna be cynical, maybe this will better than just that.

“At least I won’t have to deal with a good liar.”

is anyone else smelling that? its the wonderful scent of a good roast.

king tiberias anounces this queenstrial brought more than a future queen and tells us more about her “origin story” , where we learn that ethan titanos was killed by lakelander spies. i dont recall who they were though… >:/

the king and queen make a big show to, as mare kindly puts “slip a Red girl into a crown without anyone noticing”, which yeah, you gotta take measures because people are sure to complain about it. im sure they still will even with this whole sob story.

props to miss aveyard for writing future queen evangeline as having horrible fashion, pretty accurate to irl rich people. what the fuck is a “dress of interlocked metal rings”??? im picturing it and it sucks, sorry.

hdjfkgk ofc the king says he will “atone for [his] ignorance” bitch you people hate reds, stop clowning.

evangeline punching air mentally rn. girl just wanted that calore ass (its funny bc calore means hot get it. get i-)

maven proposes as scripted and mare has a short moment of consideration. who would she have chosen if things were different? kilorn, obviously. i want to point out maven seems to be kinder but idk it could be his act.

cal gives his gentle king™ speech and obviously chooses evangeline. also this girls has some azula vibes im telling you. maybe that is her whole thing. i just hope hes bullies her brother too because fucking ptolemus??

she radiates the same evilness as queen elara, but i wish she could be like a subversion of that trope. evil step-mom and now evil technically-step-sister. what if they become besties instead. would be wild right.

on another not im still wondering if shes genuinely into cal or if shes more of power-hungry #girlboss. maybe its both.

nvm evangeline fucking hates her i dont think this is anything short of a potential slowass burn friendship. mare also hates evangeline. sigh. i know this was written back in 2015 but i can dream.

as expected, they bring back the scarlet guard issue. something something we want to breed the most powerful children possible to keep our power over the reds and other kingdom, especially now that there are some rebellious reds out there against us.

damn i wish we could see what farley was up to. lowkey really liked her.

maven speaks to her reassuring- cool, nice to seem him warm up -but mares too preoccupied feeling guilty about having a great feast while her family likely wont be having a good meal. holy shit gisa was supposed to work to get them out from the stilts… they are probably worse off now. they dont even know that she is supposedly never going back home. her guilt is completely understandable.

oh- she was getting drunk to cope- yeah probably for the best that maven stepped in. also he apparently was a dick because he wanted to choose his wife. i mean, kinda understandable. and hes not one of the worst people mares had the displeasure to face so far. ill stay on alert for any potential friendship.

he didnt even have a girl in mind but he still wouldve liked to have that choice- i kinda resonate with this so he gets extra points. but obviously mares irritated because she doesnt get the luxury of choice. or anything, really. she never has. understandable, girl, vent all that shit before it consumes you. but also. maybe. not. in public.

aw damn, maven is the unseen brother, hes jealous but also… lonely. i think. yeah, poor kid. i mean hes still rich though.

lets talk about that though. mare rolling her eyes out at every person here complaining is such a mood. yeah their all rich and privileged what have you got to complain about bitch. but yeeeees i knooooow that they have their other, non-money-related problems. its just kinda funny. this girl has suffered hunger, trauma and constant distress and shes listening to a prince complain about not getting to choose who his wife will be.

ok thats it for now. ill try to read more often, or at least have some chapters queued.

#red queen first read #this ones a slow one #im starting to like maven #evangeline is azula #uhhh yeah thats it

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humandisastersquad · 6 years

Text

uhhhh infinity war Bullshit™ under cut before i repress every memory of this flaming garbage pile

warning for spoilers obviously as well as Strong Opinions™

damn they really did straight up kill off loki in like the first 10mins

SO GLAD he didnt betray thor and fuck off with thanos and that his characterisation from ragnarok actually yknow, counted for something

poor thor :(

poor hulk :(

POOR HEIMDELL WHAT THE FUCK

also like half the remaining asgardians are fuckign dead now i guess

no valkyrie which i guess is good bc she didnt get killed off and i hope she descends from the heavens with the rest of the asgardians and kicks some ass

ngl i did tear up a bit when thor started screaming loki’s name and dragged himself over him im still fuckin weak for these dumbass siblings

god i thought seeing dr strongle in thor ragnarok was bad enough. now he gets like 10x as much screentime. uGH

idk who i hated more: him or tonky

honestly the cape has more personality than him

i never watched his movie so ive only just met wong but i like him and ofc he fucks off for the rest of movie bc we cant have too many characters of colour in this movie

Hell Yeah the guardians

luv this fam

uuuuuugh can we Not with the jealous/insecure boyfriend trope please

i fuckin hate tonky but his and bruce’s hug was Good.

Pepper You Deserve So Much Better

ned and peter: *are onscreen* me: MY TWO SPECIAL BOYS

seriously peter why has no one figured out ur spiderman yet that was really cutting it close there dude

peter saves the day again with pop culture references i Love him

i appreciate the gamora flashback bUT ARE THEY REALLY TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS THANOS. REALLY??????

so uhhhh when the gotg are splitting up to go on each of their missions they know there’s a pretty good chance they wont all see each other again bc they might die??? anyone?? bc i was not feeling that in that scene. that shouldve been way more emotional

also cool. they jsut gave thor back his eye. completely erasing his disability and well. consequences (?) from thor ragnarok bc fuck taika waititi and his masterpiece amirite marvel

they did my boy so dirty im sorry sweetie

uhhh fuck my memory is so bad

totally Satisfying to see gamora kill thanos but of course it was fake

FUCK I HATE THE TROPE WHERE THE HERO CANT KILL A LOVED ONE/INNOCENT IN EXCHANGE FOR SAVING A SHITTONNE MORE PEOPLE

LIKE I WOULD STRAIGHT UP DEADASS KILL MY FRIEND IF IT MEANT SAVING TRILLIONS OF LIVES

PLUS YKNOW THE BAD GUY GENERALLY DOESNT LET THE HOSTAGE LIVE ANYWAY SO NOW IT’S TRILLIONS + ONE

call me utilitarian but uhhhh,,, doing otherwise is just plain dumb and/or selfish to the nth degree

i cant even say im glad they didnt kill gamora tho becuase THANOS DID

what the FUCK

and tried to paint him in a sympathetic light. AGAIN. WHAT THE FUCJK

HE WANTS TO WIPE OUT HALF THE UNIVERSE DONT EVEN FUCKIGN TRY YOU FUCKS

also the fuckin red skull cameo that was really left of field what the fuck

fuckin uhhhhh. the guardians and strongle/tonky/peter meeting was Gold

im a ho for crossover meetings

oh god

oh gOD

oh jesus shitting hell i just remembered that bullshit vision/scarlet witch fuckery they put in

[shudders]

It’s Bad Todd

i know vision’s technically like 3 years old or smth but he’s played by a 40+ year old man

BAD

but hey i get to see steve and my man sam

and black widow. i guESS

AND RHODEY <3

oh ok

so i guess the accords mean fuckin nothing huh

we went through all that bullshit called civil war for absolutely fucking nothing

that’s great

fuck you rdj

but anyway have i mentioned how much i love rhodey

OH MY GOD JUST FUCKIGN MURDER VISION I DONT FUCKIGN CARE WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS. TRILLIONS OF LIVES ARE AT STAKE I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT UR WEIRD AND KIND OF CREEPY ASS FORCED RELATIONSHIP

gOD im so fuckin angry about this plot line, especially seeing how it culminates

but hey it gave them an excuse to go to wakanda i guess

to the real mvps of the movie

hi yes i would die for t’challa, okoye and shuri

and bucky’s there i guess

he is Tired

BUT HE FINALLY FUCKIN GOT A HUG FROM STEVE

I’VE ONLY BEEN WAITING FOR LIKE (8)4 YEARS

also the sambuckysteve dream team is back baby

AND THE NEW DREAM TEAM OF RHODEY AND SAM

Roast Them Shuri

STFU STEVE LET VISION SACRIFICE HIMSELF TO PREVENT THE DEATHS OF, LET ME AGAIN REMIND YOU, TRILLIONS OF PEOPLE

so uhhhh,,,, the implications of sacrificing and endangering thousands of wakandans as a Disposable Army™ to keep Bullshit Robot Man (played by a white dude) alive (esp when it could easily have been prevented),,, Not Great

huh they really just did that

it’s marvel why am i even fuckin surprised, those racist shitbags

god it’s all just blurring into one clusterfuck at this point

so back to the white dudes in space i guess

they,,,, actually had a decent shot at taking thanos down

but of course that failed

thanos: oh yeah i killed gamora

tonky, to quill: don’t overreact

OH OKAY THEN TONKY

DONT OVERREACT. JUST LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU FOUND OUT THAT THE WINTER SOLDIER KILLED YOUR PARENTS

WHICH MIGHT I REMIND YOU, WAS NOT BUCKY’S FAULT BC HE WAS BRAINWASHED, AND ALSO HAPPENED DECADES AGO

BUT THAT’S OK, COMPARED TO QUILL WHO JUST FOUND OUT HIS PARTNER WAS MURDERED BY EVIL PURPLE SPACE JOSS WHEDON JUST THEN???

COOL

FUCK YOU

FUCK!!! THIS!!

jesus FUCK im having a goddamn FUCKING aneurysm

the absolute HYPOCRISY of it all

so anyway that fails because dumbassery strikes again

AND AGAIN

MMMFFNJKNSDNKJDNVDSFVFV

JKDFNJKVSNDFJKVNDFJKVNDFKJNVKDFJNV

WHY IN THE HELL FUCKIGN SHITTERY WOULD YOU GIVE HIM THE TIME STONE IN EXCHANGE FOR TONKY YOU BARELY EVEN KNOW THE GUY

UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

(my friend suggested that this is all Part of The Plan in the 1 in 14 million chance they have at winning,,, BUT STILL!!! DUMB!!!!)

so then they all nearly fuckign die. again

oh yeah and thor nearly dies. again. forging his cool new space axe with giant peter dinklage

GROOT FORMING THE HANDLE FOR HIM IM FUCKING L I V I N G

oh yeah i forgot that i appreciate gamora and nebula’s relationship in this and im glad theyre sisters and care for each other again

too bad one of them fuckign DIES like the other pair of dysfunctional siblings in this movie

fuck i jsut remembered t’challa got fuckin erased so i guess that makes all 3 sets of siblings getting fucked over this movie. great

peter tryna save everyone from debris he’s such a good boy who’s done nothing wrong ever and i love him

so yeah back to Pointless Slaughter in wakanda and wanda finally decides to join in on the battle that is only happening bc of her dumbass het romance with a sentient toaster

ggod they had several ‘Girl™ Power™’ scenes with okoye, nat and wanda but they didnt work bc i literally only care about okoye

and then vision gets dragged into the fight anyway because of course

god i hope shuri and those guards are ok

and then fuckin FINALLY they get their shit together and destroy the mind stone

but that backfires because GUESS WHAT. YOU TOOK TOO LONG FUCKERS AND IT’S ALL FUCKED BC OF YOU FUCKERS

HELL YEAH THOR MY BOY

and yeah u really shoudve gone for the head

seriously why do people in fiction suck at killing people effectively so often like jeez im a weak ass nerd pacifist and even i know u gotta aim for the head to really get the job done

so yeah everything’s FUCKED

HALF THE UNIVERSE IS DEAD

THE RUSSOS ARE STILL TRYING TO MAKE THANOS SYMPATHETIC

T’CHALLA, BUCKY, SAM, PETER, QUILL, MANTIS, DRAX, GROOT, dr strongle and wanda i guess, AND HALF THE FRICKING UNIVERSE HAS JUST TURNED TO DUST BECAUSE OF THESE DUMBASSES

AND THANOS HAS FUCKED OFF TO WHO KNOWS WHERE TO HERD GOATS

WHAT THE FUCK MARVEL

side note: i honestly thought thor was gonna die so fucken plot twist right there

ALSO MARIA HILL AND MOTHERFUCKIN NICK FURY

aaaand they’re gone

but hey captain marvel i guess

god this was a mess

and i dont have high hopes for the next one

like i know theyre gonna bring like most of them back

But At What Cost

(also time travel is likely to be involved since i remember seeing that there were set photos of thor and loki set immediately post avengers 1)

??? we just dont know

#hjkhsjkhf #fuck this got long #iw spoilers #infinity war #holy personal post batman

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courtnie-jn · 7 years

Text

so idk i guess ive been having both a hungover induced identity crisis along with regretting some of my drunken choices and i felt like i needed to vent about it a bit. not really sure what this might accomplish. i wanted to talk this out with ally but shes off vacationing in another country (v rude) so i cant. most of this does not paint my own character in the best light but such is life i suppose

i will preface this by saying drunk courtnie generally makes a lot of mistakes. its usually not my best behavior, i sometimes say things that i honestly dont even understand or agree with sometimes, and it has cost me relationships in the past. maybe this is some what a normal progression in life, maybe its not. i dont know. i dont drink too often and drink without issues 90% of the time. 10% of the time i might say or do something that hurts another person which i later regret (or sometimes dont). i don’t think stopping drinking altogether is a necessary choice, but the fact that my dad was an alcoholic before he committed suicide does not weight lightly in my mind.

in any case, this isn’t even my “crisis”. that comes from how much i want to play nice and bite my tongue when someone says something i don’t agree with (which, despite what shaun may think, is what i’ve done most of the time), or choose to speak up more - which is what i thought i wanted for myself (#newyearnewassholeme). part of me wants to be the person that is pleasant and nice and can maintain long term relationships with people... (this has been dicey in the past). the other part of me is fucking tired of listening to other people spew ignorant shit and hateful language and not saying anything. i’m tired of not saying anything. i usually cant because honestly its usually like 6 vs. 1 and it can be even more exhausting dealing with the backlash if/when you do say something. i probably wouldn’t have to bite my tongue so much if shaun kept better company, but these are the friends he has, and i guess if i want to be with him, these are the people i have to deal with.

most of his friends are racist, sexist, and/or homophobic. one is all three. otherwise, i would have considered him a nice person. but at the end of the day he chooses to hate on other groups of people for literally no reason and voice it. we have generally gotten along for the most part by avoiding political topics all together. several weeks ago we got into a fight about something and have not been able to recover from it. i had decided our relationship was likely fractured beyond repair. but, he is still shauns friend, and thus invited over the house for the game yesterday/shauns birthday.

cue several hours later, a few drinks and no real dinner.... and drunk courtnie has appeared. when said’s friend girlfriend started saying some dumb misogynistic shit during the golden globes i brilliantly decided to call her a misogynistic bitch. quite brilliant indeed. most people (including shaun) didn’t even hear it, but i know the two of them did, but it was just kind of blown over and ignored (i imagine they were smart enough not to engage with a drunk girl. smarter than me in that moment.) Do I regret calling her a bitch? Yes. Do I regret pointing out her misogyny? Eeeehhhhh that’s a little bit gray. Will I apologize? Debatable, because we technically aren’t friends to begin with, I’m not really sure I actually care about the nature of our relationship, I definitely put the nail in the coffin in what would have been shaun’s friend & my relationship, and I also am not confident enough in myself to be the bigger person. not my strongest trait either. but, we’ll see if/how this progresses.

so, my dilemma now. yes, i understand i am also being selfish and probably a bitch. but the question is - how much do i care? I haven’t really figured out if I would rather make and keep friends with niceties or lose a relationship because i bit my tongue when i shouldn’t. I just don’t know. Am I willing to potentially damage my relationship with shaun over a fight with his friends? if i dont, do i risk losing a part of myself in the process? do i want that to be a part of myself? where is the line? (pro tip: it is definitely before calling someone a bitch).

/end rant

i will likely delete this later

#personal #tw: alcohol #tw: alcholism #alcohol #drunk mistakes #my legacy

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foxstens · 4 years

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i guess the reason i barely do anything these days is bc im afraid of doing it wrong???

i mean of course its not just that, there’s a whole thought process going on behind everything i happen to do or not do

but if i do smth as simple as sweeping it starts the negative thoughts that i’m not doing it right and why am i doing it at all i’m just making a bigger mess i shouldn’t touch anything ever but if i don’t do it i’m a lazy piece of shit who can’t do even the simplest things and i’m just a burden and i can’t even help her with this much and i should just die

but if i were to die that’d be an even bigger inconvenience and it’d just be selfish

and it’s just incredibly messed up. like gdi my thoughts get so fucking negative when i’m not focusing on anything in particular like before i go to sleep usually

and i should’ve probably gone to therapy a long time ago but therapy means money but as it stands we kind of don’t have the money for such things and so i should make some money before i go to therapy

however my mom said that as i am now i would not be able to work. which is kind of. i mean she’s not wrong technically? like i don’t want to work in a typical work environment mostly bc that would mean a lot less time spent with her and a lot more time of being an inconvenience to other people

and it would also mean that there would be no one to bring her food is she needs some during the day. and there would be no one to run errands during the day. bc honestly the fact that i’ve had a lot of free time recently has kinda been helpful in some ways.

and also it’s very weird to be here at 22 trying to look for a job when since abt 8th grade ive been told by my grandma that she can’t imagine me in a work environment. and also by my mom that she can’t imagine me in a traditional work environment. which she justified by saying that ‘i could do so much more than that’ except that somewhere along the way it started sounding less like that and more like ‘you’re weird and closed off and different and so how would you ever fit among other people’

bc yea. that’s kind of how she’s always thought of me. well no she didn’t think i was weird per se. but she always thought i was ‘different’ or ‘special’. she has asked me quite a few times through my life why i’m ‘like this’ (still dont know what she meant by that) and for years and years she has unsuccessfully been trying to get me to change

idk in what way she wants me to change bc at this point i have no idea who i even am. so much of my personality/entire being feels influenced by my grandparents and family in general and her issues and all the people ive known through her and all the people that have hurt me and all the things ive been through

that i honestly don’t know what part of all that can be called ‘me’

and it kinda really fucking stings when i try to tell her that even though she’s always had my best interests in mind, that doesn’t mean she was always a perfect parent and that a lot of the things she’s done through the years have hurt me

she asks for examples and when i give them she just goes ‘i never did that’ or ‘i didn’t mean it that way’ as if i could never ever misunderstand anything she says considering tHAT SHE MISUNDERSTANDS WHAT I SAY ALL THE FREAKING TIME

and it’s kinda messed up that ive felt more alone since she moved here than i’ve felt the two years i spent living with strangers

and i feel like i can’t fucking talk to her? like as soon as i tell her a new idea i had or i tell her about a new thing i started and she starts commenting on them that i somehow lose whatever confidence i might’ve had in any of it and i lose any interest in it or if i don’t then i try to do it the way she would because?? obviously that’s the best way

and it’s so fucking weird bc she often says that she loves me the way i am and that i’m fine the way i am and that i’m not a bad roommate and stuff like that

and then the next day she says i should change and that she can’t bear this anymore and that she doesn’t know where it’ll lead if i continue this way

and if i get mad or sad she gets mad bc she’s ‘only saying the truth’

and then she says that she wishes she could see me ‘try’

idfk what that means to her. bc to me the fact that i get out of bed every morning without wishing i was dead is already trying. the fact that i can get through a day doing everything i’ve been tasked with and everything i put my mind to and also have time for leisure without wishing i was dead is already trying

the fact that i can go a day without being an inconvenience to a stranger i might come across is already trying. the fact that i’ve started dancing and exercising without hating myself for it is already trying. the fact that at one point i even considered waking up every single morning to go on a walk to start the day well is already trying

the fact that i haven’t unintentionally hurt anyone i care about in the last few weeks is a lot of fucking trying. the fact that i’ve applied to seven fucking online projects that i actually want to spend time on if i get accepted to them is already fucking trying

and a lot more that to me seem like monumental things bc a year ago i might not have done any of them

but apparently none of that matters bc im not ‘trying’ in the way she wants me to. and because it takes a lot of consideration for me to even think about making a phone call about something. bc ‘its just a fucking phone call how hard can it possibly be’ and apparently if i can’t do that then i can’t fucking do anything at all ever

and i don’t mean to be ungrateful and i hate hate hate being negative but god theres so much and its been building up and up and up and i can’t fucking talk about it to anyone and i dont know what to dooooooo

#mine #my posts #my rants #read more #rant post #ignore me #personal #negativity

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fxikb0ay-blog · 5 years

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motor insurance quotes for young drivers

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survivormuxloe · 5 years

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Episode 16: “I’m a petty bitch betta know that” - Scott

FUCK YOU RHYS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA I SURVIVED GOAT ASS BITCH IM COMIN FOR THAT FIC WIN SO I CAN TAKE UR GOATY ASS TO THE END AND WIN I FUCKING DESERVE IT THAT WAS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING OF MY FUCKING LIFE HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT AS ANNA WOULD SAY IM HARDDDDD

Oh boy mo lost firemaking. Oh well. I tried. Not sure there is much hope in me winning, but guess I have to try. Ima be preparing a bomb ass speach, and a decent rites of passage. Not looking hopefully but like fingers crossed.

Also I think I’d make end either way now. Scott wants me in the end probably. Ryan wants me in the end probably. So if so. I get 2nd at the least. But I’m probably winning immunity anyway so ;).

ok its the day after.. n i finished my rop.. hopefully the jury likes it. LOL LIKE I WASNT GUNNA JUST KISS THEIR ARSES FUCK THAT im gunna be honest ab my feelings...

also like. kinda feel bad ab my confessionals last nite ab rhys.. i was a bit. excited. but. its tea. LAMFJBFHBFG

Final immunity is a little stressful. Like it’s the last one to win, if I win this that’s 5 individual wins. Just something more to put on my speech cause I’m gonna need it.

I’m feeling confident I can manage to pull out this win so like yeah I’m gonna have to work and try to win each part of this.

im actually gunna lose this fic which is super annoying bc it means i get 3rd LOL! aLMNFBFG

like memory lane i can win if im not dumb which i am so. winterbells i'll 100% lose like i lost to anna lol. endurance i'll 100% lose bc i'm such a forgetful slut i only lasted 40 mins in canadienne.... slide puzzles are legit my worst nightmare and then the mystery task i looked up from last ssn and it took them 11 mins so if i take more than that i lose... yay!

wow i can't wait to get 3rd place;;;; i feel like scott has gotten into rhys' ear and now i'm not the prime choice to be brought to final 2 grrr. at least thats what it seems like idk. ugh rhys doesnt deserve to make final 2 and it will make for a boring ftc zzzzzz who knows maybe scott or i can pull out an upset. i lowkey think scott would vote me out tho which is ugly and i would 100% be bitter at him idgaf KLFADHSKF

earlier i wasn't really sure what rhys and scott were thinking in regard to who they'll bring to f2, but since then i've talked w both more and i feel like 80% confident both will take me to final 2 so that's cute 8~] i don't think i'm doing well in the final immunity so far so i'm honestly banking on that lol.... as much as I think I'd have better chances against Rhys as the end, I am rooting for Scott to win it and bring me bc that is the ending this season deserves imho. i don't think there'd be a clear cut winner going into it and the ftc would be contentious as fuck... i hope at least lol. Scott def played a really dominant strategic game but def has some iffy relationships with jurors. I played a really purposefully utr game for most of the time but i think it's respectable, although there are some point against me like sitting out of so many challenges, that tie vote with jones voting early being the reason i was saved... but i think i can make a good case despite those faults and i'm honestly excited to show a new me at the live tribal. like i've been nervous as hell every time we had to go to tribal bc calling makes me anxious af, and that was def a contributing factor to me sitting out of the spelling challenge and even the card stacking one. so I'm planning on forming my case around that anxiety, and hopefully the contrast between my ftc performance compared to every live one before that will bank me the jury's respect. kind of like Kristie from AU survivor where she stunned the jury bc all game she had appeared so timid and dumb at tribals. hoping i can channel that energy and pull out the win hehe

so we got 5 and a half ish hours until deadline. uhm. i'm honestly really happy with my scores? like. i feel as if i have a big chance of winning this and that would be SOOOOO fucking good like both of them can smd honestly if they think im giving this chance up and getting 3rd or getting 2nd to ryan... like i love him but hes beyond dumb if he thinks im taking him to the end i cant throw a victory like that lol.

i dont wanna get 2 confident tho bc knowing my ass i'll be crushed if i lose this fic lol like at least if i dont i know ryan wins so it isnt that bad but it should be me!!! im a selfish cunt i need this jsjsjs

i say this after doing endurance for 5 and a half hrs so my brain is a little floopy rn :) forgive me :) aLFMNHFG

uhm ya. rhys can suck my ass as well with his OH IDK WHO I'D PICK!!! like bitch if u pick ryan enjoy a rerun of canadienne only this time ur losing unanimously lol

Honestly im done with Scott. Like stop being rude okay. Like I GET IT. YOU DONT WANT TO BE 3rd!. I GET IT. Like quit it with the "I dont want to wait to be cut", cause honestly, I dont know who im taking, OR IF IVE EVEN WON YET. so like stop it. Like ive been told im gonna loose, stop attacking me, because i essentially chooses who wins.

I think my immunity went good. I did good in all the parts I think.

ok.... time to guilt scott into bringing me to the end lmfao

Dammit I was so close to winning, but in the end from what I’ve heard I’d be the best choice for Scott to take to the end. So fingers crossed. Scott will take me there cause I really want to make the end. Even if I loose. I’m proud of my game and I just want to get as far as I can.

BIG FUN! CUS TONIGHTS THE NIGHT. bitchhh i get to pick who i want in f2 with me!!!

THIS IS SO EXCITING BC I LEGIT HAVE NEVER WON A FIC OR A F3 CHALLENGE BEFORE AND I FUCKING DID THAT!!! I SWERVED THAT VICTORY AND ITS SO FUCKING SATISFYING HOLY FUCKK

NOW IM GUNNA MAKE RHYS SUFFER EVEN THO IK IM PROB PICKING HIM BC HE WAS AN ASSHOLE LAST WEEK :)) IM A PETTY BITCH BETTA KNOW THAT

LIKE RYAN UNDERSTANDS IF I VOTE HIM N HE 100% VOTES ME TO WIN AND I DONT PLAN ON FLOPPING FTC SO :) BYE! UR WINNER IS HERE!

i feel like scott is gonna vote me out and i’m a bit gagged sbdbjsjsjs i really didn’t expect him to slit my throat like dis but. ig he wants to win badly and rhys most likely secures him an easy win so i cant blame him. still sucks though :C i thot we were solid dndjjdjs and ugh i dont wanna join that angry ass jury

ok so i'm still not giving up on tryna convince scott lol. honestly like i've made it this far in the game, no way i'm gonna accept defeat so easily. i don't actually know if it's better for scott to sit next to rhys than me, it probably is but seriously my game isn't amazing and i very well could see scott beating me. i think he's really overestimating how much the jury "hates" him like idk they aren't that petty, if anyone is it might just be michael. but scott really has dominated this game and everyone is aware of it, he should beat either of us.

So, this could be my last confession.

Scott, I don’t know where he was thinking. I thought it was general concensous that I was the one to loose. Yet here I am Scott is still unsure about who to take and it’s an hour 40 untill tribal.

So like this could speak well about my game if Scott worries he can’t beat me. It could also just be him wanting to take his best friend to the end. So yeah. I’m like 50/50 when I thought I should’ve been 99/1 about staying.

I can’t believe I’m here. I have a half chance at winning. That’s if we’re even which were probably not.

This is probably an uphill battle for me, so I have to go hard or I’m going home empty handed. I haven’t lasted this long just to come second. I do think I’ve played a winning game. I think I can make a killer final tribal preformance just to solidify my case. Hopefully this will be the third winner of celestial.

So final tribal happened.

Funny how has mo won that tiebreaker I would’ve lost unanimously. So thanks scott for winning that, and the FIC.

I think this could go either way tbh. However if I win it’s because of Scott’s bad jury management which isn’t the way I wanted to win. I would’ve preferred people to see my game more and respect that but because my moves weren’t big or flashy I have been put down to doing nothing.

it's 2 and a half hours until we find out the winner. am i nervous? absolutely.

do i feel as though i deserve to win? absolutely.

it just keeps ringing in my mind what ryan said in his speech that the jury seemed to root for rhys and be bitter against me. i feel as though my speeches and answers were much better than his and i was able to explain my game so much more clearer so i'm hoping that they reconsider and see that i controlled the game.

if i lose i'll be gracious and nice to rhys because at the end of the day it was my own fault that my jury management was bad but it'll definitely sting because i don't really see that he did much tbh alkfjhfg. i love him but it's tea. especially when he's said that i probably deserve it more. ):

i'm really just hoping for the best at this point! anything can happen and hopefully it'll be in my favour hehe. it's been an incredibly fun season and i wouldn't change it for anything else.

this has been mr scooty toots with his finale confessional, and hopefully mr scooty toots will join the winner and the hall of fame. hehe. will lowkey be awkward if i lose tho!! LOL but oh well alkdjfg

Scott wins in a 8-1 vote!

#episode #royallyyours

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eythxra · 6 years

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I’m feeling so much better which is good bc it’s CHRISTMAS EVE!! I’m the same with Christmas decor I kinda just let other people do it haha. Target sounds amazing lol I feel like I’d spend about 9 hours in there. I agree about Larisa she deserves ALL THE GOOD THINGS but she gets none of the good things and it upsets me greatly. And Vika gave me LIFE I was like yes my problematic fave is BACK!! I’ve been to some oddly specific places lol like Oklahoma, DC, Boston, Vermont, Texas And ofc

(Part 2) New York! That sounds like Ive been to the US a million times but it’s really just been twice with my family and once on a school ski trip haha. This is our last day of questions before I am revealed! Are you excited for tomorrow? Would you prefer to live at the beach or in the woods? Explore deep space or deep sea? Apart from becoming UB champ (can she tie with Aliya please?), what do you hope for Vika to achieve in her comeback? Do you prefer sweet or spicy food? (Cont) // Part 3 bc it’s the last one so making it count!!! Do you have a favourite time of day? I also meant to say, you’re so pretty! I love that photo of you and your socks haha. It might sound weird but I absolutely love socks, I have sooooo many pairs lol. Especially themed socks haha. Do you have time to relax over Christmas or are you working? Next time we talk you’ll know my name! HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE!! SS

Wow I can’t believe this is the last one!!! Merry Christmas Eve!!!!

I love the fact that you don’t live in the US but have been to all those places but I’m american and the only place on your list that I’ve been is DC lol. I ~kinda~ went to oklahoma for a couple hours during my trip to Arkansas and I went to boston for 4th of july when I was like, four, but I don’t remember it at all, so I don’t think either of them really count lol. I’ve never been to New York, how was it???

I am SO excited for tomorrow! I love christmas in general, and I’m a selfish bitch so I love opening presents. I’m also excited to find out who you are and to reveal myself to my person for secret santa! I can’t believe its literally already over!!

I’d prefer the beach over the woods, I *love* the ocean and being on the water. my grandparents live in florida and I lowkey wish I lived there too.

for vika, I honestly just want her to get an olympic gold medal, for literally anything. it kills me that she doesn’t have one at all, especially cause she could’ve (should’ve) taken AA gold in london, and like had a shot, if everything went right, at team, beam, or bars gold too but missed out on all of those as well. so I really hope she gets to go to 2020 and get a gold medal on SOMETHING because she deserved to do it in 2012. in reality though, we’ve obviously gotta see how her comeback goes and if she’d even be able to factor into the russian team, but i do wanna see her make some major intl assignments, and i wanna see her get her full bars difficulty back at the very least.

my favorite time of day is probably any meal time bc i love to eat lol, but idk in general I like early afternoon best. and aaaaa thank you!!! i’m obsessed with those socks, they’re the symbol of the democratic party but one of my friends told me they kinda look like the symbol of the republican party too and like... shes not wrong especially from a distance lol since the donkeys are super poorly defined. i used to have a TON of themed socks but i’ve lost almost all the pairs lol, i have those art socks that are really popular tho and since i only have one of each i like mix and match them lol.

hope you’re having an amazing holiday!!! can’t wait for tomorrow! :) xoxo

#anon #answered

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