Caught at my Lowest

A worker at Wendy’s heard my weeps of distress as I failed to get a small lid for my water and she laughed. I’m glad my suffering amused her.

Hatred.

I despise mint-waxed dental floss. All it does is get slimy and be impossible to grip after two seconds of use. Like the bit of flavour is nice I guess, but at what price?

Silly Situation

I had sleep paralysis this morning and then ended up dreaming I had sleep paralysis where I started hallucinating, but I didn't know I fell asleep. Then I laid in bed for 5 hours. I have no idea what the fuck was happening to my mind this morning.

Life Advice

If you ever get in a bad mood, get a root canal. I was feeling sassy this morning but after an hour and a half of intense surgery I was in a peaceful mood. They drilled the bitterness out of me.

A Mental Confrontation

If I were a slug I wouldn’t know how to live. I would just dry up.

A Realisation

My lips haven't touched a can in so long.

Yay!

I've gotten my first pus-filled mosquito bite of the year

Childhood Memories

As a kid we had a bucket of live shrimp on my uncle’s boat and I was like five so I got to grab the shrimp for the bait. I loved to stick my hand in and caress them. They would curl too so one time I accidentally crushed one in half trying to get it to “curl up”

A Fact.

Breathing in Vicks vaporub equally cuts off my breathing and opens it up way too clearly at the same time. I feel like I'm suffocating but turns out I'm breathing better than before. It's like being waterboarded but for your lungs

Dental Dilemma

I always brush my teeth way too aggressively and I end up with sores in my mouth or cuts. That shit’s a daily battle morning and night

Measurement

We measured my ear Friday morning and it was 2 1/2 inches tall

Pete

On January 8th I had the idea for a character who goes by every name in existence. That's his full name: every name. But he goes by Pete and that's what everyone calls him.

A Rational Conclusion of Mine

I’d be terrified if I was a lacrosse ball.

The Buttoned Shirt Issue

Having to unbutton a shirt just to take it off a hanger is such an indescribable irritation for me so I always put my buttoned shirts on hangers without buttoning them. But then they fall off easier so it’s just an angering situation either way.

The Pain of Navals

I wish I had a valid reason to getting my bellybutton surgically removed. I hate that thing.

Crispy Senator Plan

If I snuck into the US Senate and got them to debate, I could use a filibuster and distract them by filiBUSTING on the Senate floor while fryers get warmed up and then senators slowly and silently get dropped into the grease and get fried into snacks for me to eat