Letters to Belly ft. the Citylights

Hey Bell,

I'm coping, I promise. It all feels like my fault. Feeling for you, falling for you, flying for you. I wish, I knew that I was nothing but a flickering thought. Was it so easy for you, or was I difficult?

Bell, I had dreamt of us as children, till I ended up red in the cheeks at midnight. My brain got all messed up when I stared at you, thinking about how you'd look sleeping with my arms wrapped around you. I'd wait endlessly for summer only to ruffle your hair and see you smile. Sandy shores, clear skies, pretty sunsets, starry nights, I wanted to sink into all of these memories with you. It was always you, Bell. I am not the Prince Charming that you longed for, but I'm, me. Is that not enough?

I'm watching the Citylights, trying to shut myself amidst the traffic and the noise. But I can't. All thoughts scream your absence. All memories gush into my head only to make my heart feel heavier than it ever was. But, I'm coping, I promise.

An unfinished poetry,

Jeremiah.

~echoes&silence

@severelybookish

31st March, 2023

It's been more than 2 months today. That was the only day, when I felt that you'll stay. The day, I didn't attack myself with self doubt and embraced myself to the utmost. The anticipation of meeting you still breathes life into my nerves. The thrill of going out of the way and doing what I had never done before, still makes me question my sanity. What was I thinking? I knew you were going to leave, then why did that Thursday feel different. I saw a forever, a promise. I guess, that was the calm before the storm, because right now it's not just a storm, it's a tsunami, a hurricane and a freaking earthquake all together shaking me right from the insides. Truly, all the songs are reminding me of you. I broke down and stared aimlessly at the sky, and prayed to every single deity to bring you back. But, do I want you back? I hope not. I wish- no.

- to the man, I (accidentally) fell in love with.

@severelybookish

I lost her. 

I said this with a frown on my forehead and an angry despair in my voice. I. Lost. Her. But in the quieter moments, when I can look beyond all the raging, feeling fire, when the frown becomes inquisition, I ask; what do I mean? I lost her. How? 

Maybe it’s talking about a little hole I feel somewhere in my heart. Maybe it’s just the memories that make me smile and chuckle, and then the new memory that cracks the happy seamless picture which says no. Not anymore. You lost her. Is it our ghosts that I can see walking down that same road? Stealing quick furtive glances at her window every time I cross it? Is it looking at the doodles on the wall of the class which we both drew together, and only seeing the weird emptiness; because now I sit on that bench alone? Perhaps it’s the constant rethinking of whether or not to say her name in telling a story; and my friends getting uncomfortable whenever I nonchalantly let it slip. It has become particularly difficult to tell stories now, because it’s impossible not to say her name; there are just so many stories where it belongs at the heart. 

A cool breeze ruffles my hair and I see the clouds which I would have described to her. And with the wind the sun has set. She’s gone. I lost her. Can you find her again? Get her back. No, I can’t. Of course not. And the frown deepens again. Anger. She hurt me. She insulted me. I fought back too. She was cruel, I was angry. I grew cold, she shrunk back. I hid behind jokes, she ran away. I lost her, she let me go. 

I still remember though. I feel a pang when that song comes on. I dream about how it used to be. I almost picked up the phone when I finally watched that movie; much too late. I do smile at the old pictures. I don’t hint at anything being wrong to our acquaintances. I frown in the midnights.

Because I don’t hate her. I just lost her. 

Let's face this. People, and by people, I mean your own people are going to be mad at you for something or the other things you did or said or the things that you didn't do or didn't say. That doesn't make you a bad person. What you did today might have pissed out many. They might have judged you for who you are. They may judge your intentions. It's highly probable that they might never want to speak with you again. But guess what, they had no idea about what you were feeling back then. No idea about how vulnerable you were. No idea how much time you needed alone and away from the mess. It's not your fault. It was needed. You don't have to give any explanations for it. None. You were being you. Period. Your feelings matter way beyond what they think. There will be times that you might want to disappear altogether. And it's okay. You needed this, Rutu. It's not your fault. You have to stop thinking. Just pause and reflect. How did you feel in the morning? All alone, in your world- reading? You had the courage to start a new book when you had already gotten bored of reading. You started and you knew that you didn't want to stop but you had to. The amount of peace that action brought to you, was immeasurable. You don't always have to be the loud funny girl that you are. It's okay to be your vulnerable and silent self. You have to learn how to embrace every feeling. Be it sadness or joy. You are more than what you think you are. Many layers, many emotions, many yous. You feel this? The sunken feeling in your gut? The feeling of denial? I know you hate this feeling, but it is what it is. You may owe an explanation, but not now. Right now, the only person that matters is you.

~echoes&silence

@severelybookish

Don’t know what crack Ana Huang has put in Twisted Lies because the post reading hangover is so FUCKING REAL WITH THAT ONE. OH MY GOODNESS CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKIN HARPER.

Josh after finding out Alex had monthly chess matches with someone else other than him

Hi, I’m here to tell you the bodyguard trope is superior. Thank you.

"We always end up where we’re meant to be"

Twisted games by Ana Huang

Ava: I bet I could fit the whole world in my hands.

Alex: Sunshine, that's physically impossible.

Ava: *cups Alex's face* Are you sure?

Alex: *blushing* Stop it, I have a reputation.

CORE 8 ✨

Ava Chen : The Photographer 📷

Alex Volkov : The Billionaire 💰

Bridget von Ascheberg : The Princess 👑

Rhys Larsen : The Bodyguard 🏅

Jules Ambrose : The Lawyer 👠

Josh Chen : The Doctor 👨‍⚕️

Stella Alonso : The Influencer 🦋

Christian Harper : The CEO 📰

I FINISHED READING THE ENTIRE TWISTED SERIES AND I NO LONGER SIMP FOR REAL LIFE MEN.I MEAN WHO ARE THOSE MEN? WHAT ARE THEY MADE UP OF?? WHY ANA HUANG WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO LOVE MY BOYFRIEND MORE. BUT THOSE MEN!!!!!

Alex motherfucking Volkov.

Rhy the fucking Larson.

Josh thefuckinghotassdoctor Chen.

Christian HOLYMOTHERFUCKING Harper

Alex is my personal favorite. 😳🙈

When he is a doctor but not Ryle Kincaid.

He is Josh Chen 😭

Sorry but it will take at least a month for me to get over the twisted series.

I liked you better before I met you.

𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘔𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘵, 𝘊𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳

I set down my phone. I turn off my lamp and my room grows pitch black. With no windows and no lights on outside the room, I can't see a single thing. It's the first semblance of peace I've had all day. I wonder if this is what death is like. Just . . . nothing.

𝘞𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘔𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘵, 𝘊𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳

TWISTED FUCKING GAMES, YOU'RE THE STANDARD :)

BEEN READING TWISTED SERIES, AND OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE THOSE MEN??? WHAT ARE THOSE STORIES??? MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE BOOKS OF 2022!!!

finished reading twisted love yesterday and I can't stop drooling over alex <3