Breaking Bad

content warning: talk about k!lling someone + how they would do it

a normal person doesn’t talk vividly about wanting to cut someone’s throat and watch them blood out in their hands… right? (genuinely asking because my dad was talking about a man who “talked down” to him a few years ago and how he wanted to do that to him, and since he’s my dad and i’ve always been in this situation, i genuinely can’t tell if this is toxic/dangerous/abusive or not)

(please don’t report, i’m asking for help)

so i’m gonna trauma dump/rant for a second because i need help/opinions if this situation is bad/toxic/dangerous/abusive because i can’t determine this myself since it’s my dad and i’ve been in this situation my whole life. i’m also scared to tell my therapist for two reasons: 1) i’ve already told her stuff about my dad and she’s been concerned about him, me, and my safety; 2) if it isn’t anything and i’m not in danger, i don’t want to tell her because i don’t see the point then.

✨rant/trauma dump time✨

so i apparently talked down to my dad yesterday; i don’t remember what i said or how i was “talking down to him,” but i apparently did. one thing about my dad is that he HATES it when people do that to him. according to him, it puts him in the “red zone,” also known as the “kill zone.” he told me a story one time about how some other man talked down to him, and he legitimately almost killed him that day. he thought enough into it that he knew he would go to jail for the rest of his life so he stopped, but he talked very violently and in detail about how he wanted to kill him + what he would’ve done.

he told me he had to get it off his chest about what i had done and how it made him feel because he said he would hate me forever and he doesn’t want to hate me (he made sure to put much emphasis on the word hate). he didn’t say what i did made him want to kill me, but the fact that he said that he would hate me and the previous talk of almost killing someone made me realize that he could very easily if he got mad enough.

he said everyone has a killer side, you just have to learn how to control it. he’s told me my whole life that i, him, and everyone else has one. idk if that’s true, but he’s always said that.

i don’t remember much else because i think i’m trying to block it out. i also got high last night to try to forget/ease my nerves because my entire body was shaking while we were having this conversation. i don’t want to tell my therapist also because i don’t want her to report him or want me to get out of the situation. because i’m genuinely scared of him and i’m worried he could hurt my mom (or worse) if she keeps “talking down to him” (she doesn’t do it often, just when she’s had enough of his bullshit; i think she’s standing up to him in my opinion, but he says she’s “talking down” to him).

does this situation sound bad? because i genuinely can’t tell anymore since this is my normal and it’s pretty much always been this way. if you read all the way to the end, thank you for staying and listen to my rant and being willing to listen 🫶🏻

been telling myself "just gotta get through the day" every day since i was 8

Elon Musk is actually making me want to kms rn

i’m both at the same time, always will be :,)

when the blood pours out, everything is calmer. and suddenly you're not breathing rapidly & crying because of the emotional turmoil you're experiencing, but rather because you're losing blood and the wounds hurt.

still, 6 months later, i still cry over my 2nd therapist. she quite literally helped keep me alive; i made the most progress with her; i felt the safest with her, the most safe i’ve ever felt in my life.

she was an intern at my college’s counseling center so when she got ready to graduate, she had to leave, and there was a lot in the air for her, so she wasn’t sure if she would be able to take me on as a client once she graduated. it broke my heart. i don’t think i’ve ever been so sad about something before.

six months later, i still cry about everything. i’m not as comfortable with my current therapist as i was with her; i don’t feel as safe either, which makes me sad. i want to feel safe and open up to her, but i just can’t.

i hope and pray that one day i’ll be able to be her client again, because i think my heart would shatter even more if i knew i could never see her again and she could never help me again.

if you read until the end, thank you for listening 🫶🏻

i really want to fucking relapse

for anyone else who sh’s, does seeing your own scars trigger you too and make you want to relapse? (asking because it does me, and i just wanted to see if anyone else deals w/ it too)

misplaced // 5.5.2023