“I’m not religious, but even as a heathen there are still some commandments I observe. Thou shalt not commit murder, unless he was asking for it. Thou shalt Urban Dictionary slang before thou ask. And thou shalt not covet thy roommate’s food.”

“Turns out that moving to a new city to escape your problems just means that you have those same problems, just in Detroit, but now you’re also down a mattress that will not return from war.”

"Today we’re talking about ghosting, which is essentially what this blog has done to you the past few weeks."

"Hot take: I think entertainment shouldn’t make me want to die."

“The past three years I’ve occupied this apartment, I’ve made a point of having it reveal absolutely no trace of a personality.“

"I’m not implying that I expected my sleep paralysis demon to be as cool as the other demons. I’m SAYING it."

What’s been absurd: observing the performative activism in response to Black Lives Matter, especially the social media trends churning out bad take after bad take of the movement.

“I recently spoke to my biggest hater about this blog.”

Yes, our future looks bleak, but I haven’t been able to unsee how the student situation is also absurdly funny.

“3. Identify your real friends by texting them a picture of you holding scissors and saying you’re about to cut your own bangs, then seeing who talks you off that ledge.“

I don’t pretend to know the recipe for happiness, but I have noticed there’s a positive correlation between my kitchen’s supply of all-purpose flour and the amount of hope I hold for the future.

Me: *loses a spoon in my soup*

Me: I am powerless in an uncaring world.

The coronavirus, more present in the life of this Asian-American college student than family, friends or serotonin. 

"If there was going to be identity theft, I said, might as well make it a party."

"I hear there’s this concept of making mistakes and learning from them so you don’t mess up again, and an understanding of that sounds like it could be highly applicable to my life."

"Nothing says 'you matter to me' like a toenail clipper decorated with the Falkland Island penguins, in my opinion."

"Clearly there aren’t FBI agents discreetly tracking down missing water bottles, unless there are and they’re just extraordinarily good at their jobs."