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multiple-ideas · 3 years

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Journal 000-21-03-21 TW/ Abuse, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of Dark Humor/Dark Jokes , Panic Attacks, Sexual Harassment, Undiagnosed/Self-diagnosed Depression, Undiagnosed/Self-diagnosed Anxiety, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of Death, Trauma (Past Trauma), Mentions of Helicopter Parenting, Self-Harming (not cutting) CW/ Running Away From Home, Deafness, Blindness, Repetition, Fidgeting, Stuttering, Financial Problems, Insomnia, Intrusive thoughts, Not Sharing Anything To Anyone, Religion, Dismissive Attitude, Nonchalant Attitude to Stressful Situations, Bad Coping Mechanisms

BEFORE ANYTHING

Im not sure if I missed a tag, so any other topic relating to those up top, will be discussed, so please PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND THESE IN MIND!

Thank you! Stay safe, and look out for help if you need any while reading these!

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Have I told you that I'm literally breaking? That I've been breaking since the 8th grade or probably even before then when my father told me not to tell you that he beat me up in the car parked in-front of our church in grade school?

Have I told you that my back cracks because I slouch a lot to help me curl up into myself and feel safe? Or how I move my leg a lot because if I don't it would feel like tons of needles are pricking it and either way I get tired?

Have I told you how my panic attacks are silent? And that they last for days and days on end but I can't do anything about it because everyone at home calls me and I feel really bad about snobbing whenever I get asked to do something when I'm in that state?

Have I talked about how my brain comes up with the most intrusive thoughts that I couldn't easily comprehend so many things around me? Why I end up staring at something without moving because my body decides to stop everything and stare at literally nothing?

Have I talked about how I couldn't get a lot of your jokes because I genuinely struggle understanding when people tell jokes or not if I haven't heard them before? Because I have an internalized fear that if I'm diagnosed with a mental illness that it'll be twice the struggle you already have with my brother?

Have I told you that I've thought about running away from the house and bringing my brother with me because I couldn't tolerate him being mistreated and beaten up at home all because he couldn't communicate well or he did something because he couldn't tell us what it was? How everything at home seems to be against him? How I took up this course solely for him and no one else, not even my parents?

Have I mentioned how I couldn't think well most of the time? How everything at home confuses me because one minute there'd be shouting and I want to run away with my brother, but the next it'd be safe and sound and everyone's laughing and I don't know whether to label our family as ok because other families fight too, or if there's genuinely something wrong and I have helicopter parents?

Have I talked about how I was gay and not a female? When I was screamed at on the phone in 11th grade by my father who said that I was off with guys around me, who were my close friends that were protective mind you, dating them? How my father told me that maybe I should go home with a boy instead? And that I'd get pregnant at such a young age?

Have you noticed how I didn't rebut saying "IM GAY! WHY WOULD I BOTHER?" because I knew my family was heavily homophobic and religious? How I can't tell them I'm nonbinary or that I'm asexual, or that I'm in the aromantic-spectrum because they wouldn't even bat an eye to listen to me explain how I could like girls more than the 0% of romantic interest I could get from guys?

Have you noticed that I have internalized homophobia? Because even if I was as gay as I come, I still held the strongest to my religion and I feel very dirty and in pain every time I see someone or my brain would link it up to being wrong even if I told someone God Loves All? Because I never truly went by all the things I told someone to comfort them? (Truly, a hypocrite, in the worst way possible) Because I look at my chest or my bottom and I think I deserve to live in whatever I got because of the way everything works around me?

Have I mentioned how I ask for fidget spinners, fidget cubes, rubber bands, lots of pens, lots of rings, earrings and bracelets, because these genuinely help me fidget and calm down to think about something, ONE THING, for that moment? How I don't understand why a lot of my things disappear, even if I know I probably left it somewhere and genuinely forgot I did something?

Have I talked about how I know my sleeping schedule is trash, and that I have a sick sense of humor? That my body is deteriorating and how I can't even hear or see well anymore to the point that I learned sign language (both american and british) because I fear that one day I might need it? And how I used to, and still sort of do, close my eyes walking around home and feeling the walls or the floor to practice if I went somewhat blind?

Have you heard how loudly I laugh when you're at home, or when I think someone is outside of my room (a skill I learned when I was a kid about if my dad was around the house), and you ask why I laugh so loudly, but in reality I'm usually so quiet on my own? How I think about how I want to live alone in a dorm/apartment but even Jillian knows that if I did, I'd starve myself unintentionally & intentionally, and that I'd refuse to talk to anyone or laugh because days like these drag on, but I act like they don't?

Have I mentioned that I talked to my best friend about how I have one twitter account extremely hidden with no followings or anything linked to my others because it's the most hidden and deep account that spills my most traumatizing-centered thoughts and has all my passwords and accounts there too because I fear if I die no one would know why or what I was? That they'd think I was such a loving straight female who didn't even talk to her sibling much or cook?

Have I said that I genuinely do want to learn how to cook, ride a bicycle, learn multiple instruments, get to have pets, know how to clean my laundry, but because of you guys telling me to get away from the kitchen or the laundry place at home when I was younger and until high school, I grew afraid of even cleaning at home, even if cleaning is one of my most favourite things to do at school, at home, or anywhere? How organizing and cleaning is a comfort for me? And that I can't do any of those because I genuinely fear so many things linked to our household?

Have you noticed how I make fun of myself a lot because I never knew how to talk about it before until I saw other people make fun of themselves too? I keep saying I'm not real, or that I'm going to die, did you notice those? How I couldn't remember something and I'd say I have the worst memory ever then proceed to laugh? How I'd stutter like hell doesn't know me and proceed to stop abruptly only to say I have a stupid stutter every time? That I joke around about how I know nothing about household things and I'd be a useless partner?

Have I talked about how I have tried multiple times before to tell someone my problem, but if they talk about it lightly, dismiss it, react softly, don't react much at all, or something, I feel offended, but then put it off as if nothing about it mattered? How I impulsively make everything come off so nonchalantly and it's fine with me, but if I bring that habit up, someone starts to worry about a lot of the things I say?

Have you seen the way I couldn't get close to most people? How I shiver internally whenever someone bothers to hug me if they're not batch 2920 or Tanya, Florence, Mave, Alweya, Farhana, or Salwa? That I can't stand the thought of being kissed anywhere (unless it's Jillian, for personal reasons) that I would literally shiver and freeze at the slightest touch anyone does (especially family members like my Mother or Grandmother who are very touchy) yet I won't explain why?

Have you noticed that I can't stand guys? For if you knew, then you'd know I was sexually harassed and I didn't like how those THS students looked at me, how I didn't like when they surrounded my computer used in the computer laboratory in 10th grade, or how they catcalled me whenever I used to pass by their hallway to pass something to a teacher, did you? How I, even when my clothes are the closes to masculine over feminine, were still being catcalled and looked at like I was an object? How I learned to hate people looking at me and glare back but was also just annoyed that I stopped looking at people in general unless I glare?

Have you noticed how I started to show my love for girls more these years? How I couldn't at all look at romance kissing scenes without going to look away with a face of disgust because truly, I couldn't understand how that works for me? How if I tell someone I like them, I don't genuinely think they would ever like me back and if they do, I don't know what to do and I think I lose my way and lowkey hope they didn't like me too? But feel hurt that they like me back and I should have seen that because now I'm responsible for their emotions too and if they get hurt because of me, it's better that way than getting hurt because of themselves for now knowing I was like this?

Have you seen how I couldn't say my words properly? How I genuinely can't get my thoughts across without blabbering for so long? Or that I've wanted help with my brain's thoughts and my antics, but I didn't want to spend my family's money on something that's so small (I think)? How I didn't want my family to worry about me at all so I don't tell them about these?

Have you noticed how I don't like buying things for myself unless it's for school? How I literally keep my money in the wallets you give me and I put my money only in the slingbag because the wallets are full and I don't know when to bring it up to you that I have money saved for you to use? That I told you "thank you" every time you gave me something but I was so hesitant to receive it every time because, why would you spend money on someone like me?

Have you noticed how I was so confused on my 18th birthday when my Grandfather said "We wish to be like her (me)" because I genuinely didn't know and still don't know what you guys see from me? What do you see? What part of me seems like I could be a good role model?

Have you seen the way I comfort other people? How I can't last any second seeing someone sad, hence why I can't take jokes easily because I worry that they're genuinely sad or in need of help? That I'm open-minded and understanding to a lot of things because my family members weren't? Because I grew up reading and being alone even with a barrage of people surrounding me as friends in grade school, I couldn't recall anything about myself from then unless told about?

How I thought about my undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and other things I still refuse to mention in fear that I might be making all of this up? How in 9th grade I walked around the science laboratory room banging my head on the wall and ending up curled up under the main desk trying to silence myself while 3 other classmates were there, who then proceeded to call my best friend for help? How the 9th to 11th grades were me in my deepest eras that I couldn't walk at school for hours and days and how Jillian had to help me walk around to get used to it before I got to go home and act like it never happened?

Have you seen how I keep sleeping on days I get silent? Because though sleep is hard for me, I force myself to sleep and hate myself through my thoughts for more reason to avoid being awake and drift into a space where I can't recall what happened when I wake up?

How I keep typing all of these, over and over and over again, yet I could never get over the past? How all of these are things that happened before that I drag on until today because I couldn't see them leave my life at all?

How these keep piling up and crawl up my back like the simplest air dust speck flowing through the wind to bother me? But I act like it's not there and keep living on my days?

It's... a lot. And if you reached this point, I'm sorry that you did.

It's a whole lot-

Why are you reading this

I should be studying for my 2020-2021 2nd semester midterms... I really should... but I want to sleep... I probably will... Maybe...

'Till then. This is log 000-21-03-21

I know there's a lot more I wish to add, but for now. This is it.

#jays brain journal

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