shoutout to everyone who wants to infodump but cant string together coherent thoughts to form sentences and instead just look at you like this

My red flag is that I fully believe that if someone held me while I fell asleep that I would be completely healed of everything wrong with me.

I hope that when people see my blog, it gives the sense of being a fucked up scientist watching an even more fucked up experimental sci-fi creature behave in abnormal ways.

Hey, I'm V, Verdant or Vain, I go by She/They pronouns and am autistic, a lesbian, trans, and have adhd.

My interests/ fandoms are varied and change on a whim but mainstays include: Adventure Time, The Locked Tomb, ttrpgs, dc comics, Ultrakill, Fallout, animation in general and gazing lovingly at other people's art and stories <3

I'm terrible at interacting and responding but feel free to talk at me! I'm mostly here to see cool art and to try to get more comfortable with existing as an observable entity.

I truly need more blogs to follow, but I am also so incredibly picky about who I follow. Why am I built this way

I think of the most interesting parts of non-human gender to me is that I was in what has to be an incredibly rare scenario regarding it. I was socially pressured into feeling like I had to be animal-gendered to fit in, rather then any sort of opposite to that.

I was a good few months into making sapphic audio roleplays on YouTube at the time, along with incredibly lonely, so I decided I would try to make a Discord server. The first week ended up with eighteen year old me getting lovebombed into a toxic relationship by a twenty-six year old, but after I pretended I had quickly recovered from that despite the fact that it still haunts me sometimes, things were smooth sailing. I was making lots of queer friends, I was getting closer to them, I finally felt like I had a place in the world.

And then, someone started explaining therians and such to folks, which is cool obviously. I don’t want this to come across as an anti-non-human genders post, I think it’s beautiful that the world is so unique in that way. But a lot of folks who I was becoming friends with started realizing things about themselves, and by a lot, I genuinely mean all of them. It felt like a wave crashed over the server as everyone in my new group started realizing they were wolves, foxes, sheep, etc.

A few months into my new friendgroup and I was already the odd one out. It was terrifying, honestly. I was going to lose everybody again. So, I started thinking about deer. I love deer, they’re my favorite animal, and I could probably work with that. I began doing a lot of mental convincing. A lot of telling myself that it wasn’t just my desire for attention making me happy when I told people, it had to be gender euphoria. I had to be a deer.

For months, it kept going like that. That’s not to mention the stretch where I convinced myself I was plural, but I won’t touch on that since it was even more traumatizing. Everybody called me a deer, everyone treated me like a deer, and even through the masks of telling myself it felt good, there was an edge to it. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop. It took over a year before I finally had to put a stop to it, and that started a series of events that ultimately led to me losing the majority of the friendgroup that I had. Thankfully, those I care for most stayed.

It feels so strange looking back. How much time I lost due to my desperation to fit in, how many days I forced myself to be comfortable because I thought everything would fall apart otherwise. I’ll never get that time back.

Despite being deep into my transition already at the time, I log that year the same way I do most years before I even realized I was a woman. It makes me realize just how little time I’ve spent being the actual, true me. Hopefully I’ll be able to find out.

I wish I wasn't too soft to appreciate sad stories. I can see it, the beauty in a well-orchestrated tragedy, or a bittersweet ending that's so painfully close to the edge of happiness that it burns even worse. But then I'll read anything sad. A short story, a fake-out bittersweet ending in a book, a tale I played out in my own head. I'll end up sobbing and without a will to do much of anything from something so many others can find entertainment in, can analyze or share or any number of other things that make literature so beautiful.

I connect too much to characters is the problem. I can't detach, as soon as the story starts I'm the woman whose stuck in the time loop, who helped her girlfriend escape a bad situation and now they'll never see each other again, whose holding her dying lover as the light leaves her eyes. And as me, a woman who dips in and out of depressive episodes fairly regularly, it feels too real. It's all the moments I've imagined my life falling apart, right there in front of me, staring back as I subject myself to the pain.

That's why as much as I try, I can't understand why anybody would willingly write a sad story. Life itself is so often a tragedy, it's missed chance after missed chance, it's falling in love with people who don't know I exist, let alone having them to lose. It's being born in a body that will never be right and never having the time to get surgery to help with it because I have to spend time figuring out how to afford it instead. When life is this painful, why, why, would I subject a character who can do anything to that? Why strip away their infinite freedom to be happy? I understand a messy path of tragedies along the way, but a non-happy ending for a character who will never die? Who will forever then be stuck in place reliving the pain again, and again, and again?

I simply can't manage it. It may make my stories more boring, or more predictable, but there's only so much pain that I'll ever be willing to subject an innocent fictional character to.

Anyway, that's enough rambling. Please be nice to your fictional characters, I know they aren't technically people too, but autism does funny things I guess.

My therapist just told me, "If gender If was a flavour, you'd be a kitkat sold in Japan." What does that mean for me?

The Locked Tomb and Dungeon Meshi both share the feature of "lesbian necromancy isn't actually the weird part."

Oh my god a grotesque and immolated human form!

Oh my god a grotesque and immolated human form.

One persons body horror is another persons body horny.

Sometimes I think what I need is sex with a girl who had gold star stickers and she puts one on my body every time I do something good for her

Sometimes I think what I need is sex with a girl who had gold star stickers and she puts one on my body every time I do something good for her

Save me androgynous badass woman with a topknot and a distaste of both men and the government with a strong association to the color blue and a crooked mouth.

Save me.

Androgynous badass woman with a topknot and a distaste of both men and the government and a strong association to the color blue and a crooked mouth save me.

hey guys i started thinking about gabriel too hard (regular occurrence) but this time i broke out in some of the worst hives i have ever experienced in my life while doing so. what does this mean

Hey y'all!!! Big news!!!

It's been a few months in the making, but I've finally posted the first chapter of my Arcane/Blue Eye Samurai Modern AU Crossover!! This project has consumed me for a while, and I didn't want to post even one part unless I was confident in it.

I'll try to post the other four chapters I have soon! I just need to do a bit more editing to make sure I've made them the best they can be <3

I hope y'all check it out!!! <3

someone needs to write a 150k modern au fic with Ortus and Protesilaus as academic rivals to lovers

like. cmon

Transcript:

In the stripped club.

Straight up.

Jorking it.

and by "it", hah.

Well. let's justr say. My peanits.

Audio Source