theravenclawmonster
TheRavenClawMonster
Blue... I no longer am... but my ashen body still sits in a cage of fire in the deepest corners of hell... the hell that never ends...
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I think I know… I think I know why I couldn’t throw you out of my heart.
Because I didn’t fall in love with your body… I fell in love with your movements… the way you hold things… ever so gently ever so softly… the way your fingers move on the piano or the guitar… or literally anything you decide to touch… like they were made to fit your hand… the way you hug people… warm and safe… giving your all every time to make them feel loved and accepted… the way you walk… the way you take up the perfect amount of space in the physical world… You try to make yourself small so no one can call you an inconvenience but your light still surrounds you… bright and soft at the same time, lighting up the way for everyone around you… the way you cry… love itself overflowing out of you through your eyes… the way your ears move when you smile… the way you get flustered when everyone is looking at you talking… the way stars shine in your eyes… the way you breathe… the way you get excited about things like a little puppy finally seeing their human after a long day… the softest…
To me, You are not a physical person who I felt attracted to and decided to look at for a little bit… To me, you are the feeling of being home… the smell of winter coming… the softness of new blankets… the warmth of holding a warm cup in winter… you are the embodiment of a cat napping in a patch of sunlight in autumn… colored with the red tint of sunlight falling through leaves… you are the personification of a puppy growing up in a safe home, getting excited for a walk on the beach every weekend… forever curious and shaking with happy energy… you are the yearning of a lover… who longs to hold their love in their arms… to sleep next to them and to wake up smelling like them… you are the full moon that pulls the ocean waves into crescendos oh so effortlessly… you are the sunlight that falls through the fluffy clouds making them line with silver… you are the rain that falls endlessly making the rivers flow… you are the thunder and the lightening forever falling on my drenched heart making it beat with love… you are the promise my soul made… a promise I can’t forget…
This is why I see you in Howl and Totoro, and in all the characters that were written with the kind of love that only exists in some movies… soft and safe… free and brave…
This is why when I try to kick you out of my heart, I end up throwing myself away… with my heart burnt to ashes the only thing left in those ashes is your name carved with pure gold that melts every time I burn my heart down but emerges brighter than before every time the smoke clears… I do not exist anymore… it is only you flowing through my veins making me breathe…
You make me want to write poetry… make me want to feel pretty… to blush and hide my face in your chest… to run my fingers on your face… grazing them softly over your features… to hold your hand in mine… to hear your heart beat… to hear my name reverberate in your chest… to softly melt into you… to be unable to figure out where I end and you begin… to be lost in your touch… to be unable to wash your scent off from my body ever… so that no amount of cold can take away the warmth your hugs leave me with… so that no amount of darkness can dull the light your smile leaves me with… so that no amount of sorrow can ruin the happiness your existence leaves me with… So that maybe someday I can become a person… the person you find your home in… your person…
Oh to be that person… your person… The one you hug when you want to cry… the one you go to when you want to be home… the one you want to celebrate all your accomplishments with… the one you feel okay with telling even the most stupid random thoughts to… the one you feel okay with sharing your insecurities and embarrassments with… oh to be the one who gets to wipe away your tears… who gets to kiss your scars… who gets to have you lie on them crushing them under your weight making them crave you even more… the one you tease with your fingers writing love letters on their skin… melting them with every touch… the one who gets to wake up next to you every day… buried under you… covered in your scent… feeling your heart beating in their body… feeling your breath on their neck… the one you bring closer to your body as you begin to wake up slowly… the one who gets to hear a soft sleepy hoarse ‘hey’ and feel you nuzzle deeper into their neck… to know this was all they ever wanted in this life… to finally have that old dream come true… to know that they are finally home…
I keep trying to end myself… I keep trying to not be… but maybe I can’t because I never was… it was always you… only you… beating in me… breathing in me… keeping me alive…
I believe I only came into this world as a person because I wanted to love you as one… only… I was reduced to something way less than a person before I ever got a chance to fall for you… but your light… your light makes me want to live… to fight… to run to you… to find you… in this life… in this world…
Could I ever?
Could I have been the one for you? If I was braver? If I had fought even harder? If I had been kinder? If I had loved myself more? If my soul shined maybe half as much as yours? Would you have looked at me and known? Would you have remembered me from before this life? If I wasn’t this broken? Would you have been able to put me back together again? Would you have recognized me? Would you have remembered the promise my soul made? Would you have been able to see my soul through all the darkness? Would you have seen my heart through all the ashes and smoke… and find your name written on it? Would you have wanted me like I want you? Would you have loved me like I love you?
Like I love you…
#just leaving this here because i keep deleting things thinking i am going to die and i don't want anyone i know to read them...#but i don't die and later wanna read these again#i have deleted everything i wrote for them time and time again#just like i delete and burn my heart to get rid of them#i hope i die soon#i hope this hell ends
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And in today's news :
"Telling people their pain is psychosomatic or a symptom of just anxiety doesn't make it any less real or painful for them"
#please stop telling me it would stop hurting if i just chill out a bit#please stop telling me its all in my head#please stop telling me that the pain isnt real and calling me a liar#please stop telling me that the test results are fine therefore you must be lying or overplaying your pain#please just stop#chronic pain#anxeity#tired of life
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Okay so sometimes (most of the times) when i am watching something or doing something and i am not actively daydreaming i still have this weird independent dim chain of thought at the back of my head like someone has left a tv on in the background. And even though i can catch snippets of it (while working or watching whatever i am) it doesn't really bother me and continues for minutes. But sometimes i catch something really interesting or important in the thoughts and my concentration breaks away from the current task and i go "wait what was that" and pause what i am doing and *poof* the chain of thought disappears bUT I GET MAD BECAUSE I KNOW IT WAS IMPORTANT AND I NEED TO KNOW WTF...
*sighs* but then some times there's just too much thoughts in my head that i can't concentrate... like literal bullet train of thoughts feelings emotions going through my head ... like constant buzzing...
But then sometimes i have nothing at all in my head... like it's so empty that i can feel the empty space and my skull from the inside (how the fuck can i feel that)
Someone help please what the fuck is this?
#i dont even know what i am at this point#help#autistic?#adhd?#depression?#chronic pain#dissociation#ughh! theres some machine clicking somewhere and it makes me want to reach into my skull and mush up my brain#STOP PLEASE
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Oh God! I want buttered toast so bad now
*gets close to the mic* I’d rather spread butter on toast than spread my legs
*drinks demi juice*
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by Laure S
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Do some of y'all really be living without pain? Constant aching physical pain? Wow... what's that like?
#chronic pain#tired of life#migraine#mdd#dissociation#i dont want to be anymore#i am so fucking tired of life at this point
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Okay, as an asexual (well, a gray ace maybe) i have an honest question. Does size really matters? Did it ever mattered for actual people or was it just another lie the movies told?
#one of the many questions i have#like... why would it ever matter?#asexual questions shit taught by movies#asexual#aroace#grayace
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Feeling happy or in love makes me exhausted...
This is something I realized only a couple days ago, although now looking back i know I have been feeling like this for more than a year with intervals. Last few weeks i was terribly dissociated most of the time and it was like a weird feeling because only when it went away did i realize that there was something wrong.
It was like a couple months of weird symptoms which ranged from not recognising myself in the mirror to feeling like walking in a fake world, from actually not being in my body (feeling like i am standing one step behind me and would be able to see the back of my head if i tried) to not being able to feel emotions or to feel a lot of them at the same time like watching a movie in fast forward (at least that is what it felt like. too many thoughts and emotions bursting through my head at a very fast pace and drowning me). I might someday make a detailed post about how i feel when i feel dissociated as it is not just one kind and many times i can’t realize that it is ongoing until it is completely over. like sometimes i am in a “soft dissociated” state, where i am just not a person... just a weird ball of confusion pain and erratic emotions and all of it is real but fake. in these times, i can function like a person and the world looks real and i can recognize myself in the mirror but... it not believable, nothing is believable...
Anyway, my point in making this post is that after being in that state for like a couple months I finally began to feel like a person a couple days ago. The weird thing is that in those two months i could swear i had times where i felt normal but looking back now i think it was just a fake normal... like i still was not able to feel and was in that soft dissociated state. And feeling normal i thought yayyy! i can chill for a few weeks hopefully before the cycle starts again...
But, Oh God! it is tiring. FEELING EMOTIONS IS EXHAUSTING! I felt suddenly happy and in love and you know that feeling when you see someone you really really love and this ball of emotions burst in your chest and you feel like you are floating in the air because your heart swells with love because they are just so beautiful? I felt that and i suddenly couldn’t stand up straight. it drained me of all energy... feeling in love drained me of all energy.
And it is not just for happy feelings. I can’t really cry anymore, or be angry, or rant to a friend because it just exhausts me to the point that I just have to lie down with my eyes closed. And i already couldn’t cry (like that ugly letting out all the pain cry) because when i cry like that my head hurts like hell and then i have to stop crying and lie down in fetal position holding my head.
I was fine (well not really but you know...) with everything but feeling love was one of the things that save me everytime. plus, seeing them makes me want to live and be a person and feel... but it is so draining now... like i can’t even get excited and be in love when i see them being so fucking cute. I am still fine most of the time because i feel that soft “ i wanna put my head on their chest and be lost in their scent and feel at home” love. but ... ughh! i really loved being able to fangirl about them and feel “ eeeee I wanna hug them tightly and never let gooooo” emotions... but now when i feel anything too upbeat in love it just makes me dizzy and weak (and not in the nice way)...
Maybe it’s just burn out... maybe i have officially stopped being a person...
#I am so fucking tired of life at this point#I'd give it away fro free#depression#Autism#neurodivergent#dissociation#dpdr disorder#I still don't know if all of this is because of my brain or years of emotional abuse#burn out#seeing them and feeling love was literally all i had left#did life have to go ahead and take that away from me as well/
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Almost 29 now and ace ❤
Where are my 25+ year old aces and enbies at? Tumblr feels like such a young space sometimes but I know I can't be the only older queer human on here.
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Reblog if you want your followers to ask you anything they're curious about.
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Okay class, take out your books and open page 62 chapter 9 "Is my sexuality fluid between gray ace and ace or does my brain turn off all feelings for some time when I am overwhelmed or burnt out"
#fluid sexuality#autism#burnout#what are emotions anyway#i feel like all my life i have been faking emotions by copying others#when am i going to find the real me#wait does the real me even exist?
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Wait... i have been doing this all my life
ok so is it an autistic thing, ADHD thing, or just just a me thing that I copy other people when I first meet them? Like I met one of my boyfriends friends who talked more SoCal so I copied his inflection, body language, tone, and speech patterns. I also bring out more or less parts of my personality depending on the person. Is that normal for neurodivergent people? I don’t know if I’ve ever been genuine in an introduction unless I already know something we can talk about, like someone recognised me out of cosplay a couple years ago and I overheard them talking about a con, so I interjected like “I heard con?” Because cosplayers are normally very excited to meet other cosplayers (and we were in hot topic so unspoken emo kid bond). Does anyone else do that?
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COVID-19 Pandemic: Heroic Women Homage by Milo Manara *
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Wow... this slapped me in the face like a slippery squid
You hate yourself so loudly. You hate yourself at the top of your lungs. Your loathing for yourself permeates your speech. “Sorry I’m just rambling.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Just ignore me.” “Sorry if I’m annoying you.” “Sorry I don’t make sense.” “Sorry about that.” Sorry, sorry, sorry. You act as if you have to beat everyone else to the punch. As if the punching bag is you. If you hate yourself first, if you hate yourself loudest, then nobody will hurt you. You clapped your hands over your ears and shut your eyes and balled yourself up so that you’d never have to experience people’s loathing for you. And it meant you never heard their love. You drowned it out. You screamed your hatred over it. And you never got to hear it.
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You know what I'd really really love? To let my partner do my hair... and i mean cut them color them wash them all that shit.
Okay, so i have never been able to let someone else handle my hair. When i was a little girl i used to go to this salon (i mean i went to it like once each year for 3 years maybe) and as a child my cousin and mother cut my hair. But since then i have been cutting my own hair (youtube helped a lot). And i have always been looking for someone professional to handle that for me but... now looking back i think i was never comfortable with anyone else doing it.
Now i cut my own hair. And as i like to keep them colored in beautiful shades i bleach them myself and color them myself too. It started as a ooh! Hair salons are expensive and turn into therapeutic healing time. I love doing my hair myself...
But since forever, i have had this fantasy of letting my significant other wash my hair. It sounds so beautiful and comforting and a trusting thing to do... like i would just melt in love... and i mean showering together is already such a cute thing plis 😢 and then cuddling and falling asleep in the soft blanket, smelling like the same body wash (i would actually prefer a non scented one so i can smell them cuz man i would love their scent) ... hmmmm... i mean what who said that ahem...
*clears throat* anyway... today, i was just thinking how nice it would be to let them pick any color and dye my hair and talk and have fun with it. We could color our hair together like i could do their and they could do mine *sighs* i realized that the reason i want to experience this is (well half of the reason) is because i would trust them and OMG REALIZING THAT IS... SHOCKING... like i never trust anyone ANYONE ever for anything to do with my hair like don't even let anyone touch it ... but... i really really want this one specific person to play with it hehe okay sorry long word vomit and i don't even have a person so 😔
#word vomit#soulmate#when a ray of sunshine falls through in a horribly dark day because of daydreaming#i mean they are not even in my life but i am just so fucking sure i would love them touching my hair#i know i dont really want a partner... its just because of this one person that i wont mind being in a relationship#but eh whatever#its not like they are ever EVER going to be in my life#now i am kinda sad
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