thefeministandthefairytale
The Feminist and the Fairy Tale
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If you or someone you know is MALE and engaegd in ONLINE DATING, please TAG, SHARE, COPY & PASTE...THIS IS A PSA.
To be fair, weāve all gone through COVID times, maybe some have forgotten generally acceptable conversation techniques. Communication through technology also appears to give men a sense of bravery I donāt think theyād have if the same conversation was happening face to face.
I signed up for Bumble less than one week ago. For context, please understand, Iāve signed up indicating Iām looking for a relationship. There is nothing wrong with consensual hookups, but that is not my jam, and itās clear in my profile.Ā
Following are just a few examples of the glory that is communicating with dudes online:
EXAMPLE 1 - opening day, first messages.Ā
I send: Howās bumble going for you so far?
Reply: Had some dates that went nowhere, some good sex, some bad.Ā
EXAMPLE 2 - different dude, he complimented my appearance
I send: Awww thanks, not so bad yourself
Reply: Trust me Iām very attracted to you. If you were here you could tell *laughing emoji* Iām guna need a cold shower just to be able to leVe my place lolĀ
EXAMPLE 3 - talking about plans for the weekend
I send: Sleeping in a bit, a bit of schoolwork. What about you?Ā
Reply: Iām balls deep in a new series so thatāll be tonight
EXAMPLE 4 - this is actually from a few months ago, when we had met for coffee after I matched with him. His profile showed he had a son around 10 years old. In person he revealed he also had a 6 month old baby, but couldnāt take her overnight yet because,Ā āsheās still on the titā.Ā
What in the actual fuck is the matter with people. Iām on a dating site. Iām not your bro, Iāve made clear what Iām looking for, and who the fuck uses the phraseĀ āballs deepā unless youāre in some raunchy shitball 90ā²s teen comedy. Just so yāall know, these are grown men, in their 40ā²s. For friggin crying out loud.Ā
This is the PS part of the PSA:
Have manners when you speak to a woman. When you type out what youāre about to send, read it out loud and ask yourself, if I met this lady in a supermarket, at this point in the exchange would I use a phrase like āballs deepā, or tell her that my latest sexual experience was less than satisfacory?Ā Speak to her the way you would want someone to try to court your sister, daughter, mother, or auntie. If you see that a woman is looking for a relationship, and you want to talk about your boner, send yourself the text about your boner and then ask the woman what her favourite movie or band is. Be curious about what she has to offer beyond the four photos and short bio you probably didnāt read.Ā
I think the old school dating agencies would be a good idea. Having humans assist in matching humans with other humans. Maybe some lady out there thinks balls deep is funny as shit. But this lady thinks it sounds like a 13 year old in a 45 year oldās body. And Iām looking for an adult. With adult thoughts about things other than sex, and a vocabulary that reaches past the confines of the Urban Dictionary.Ā
p.s. those pics of me are actually from when I watched squid games :)
#dating#single#my single 365#single life#online dating#self love#growth#feminism is for everybody#the feminist and the fairy tale#feminist#bumble#creative writing#text post
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DEATH TO BARBIE
Iām menopausal yāall. Giddyup.Ā
Currently there is medication in my body that is mimicking menopause, shortly Iāll have my ovaries removed and there will be no turning back. Iāve been thrust into the word of sore muscles, migraines, lethargy, drowsiness, nausea, and dealing with dude doctors telling me how to handle my shit.Ā
Part of me is enamoured with this process. Mostly the fact that Iām literally scheduling this event that some women wonder for years if theyāre even approaching. I get to research all of the bits and pieces of what to expect, how to engage in hormone replacement therapy, what hippie bullshit will make it feel more manageable.Ā
Menopause for lots of women, from what Iāve read, triggers something in our brains that shifts the way we think, how we prioritize.Ā
What the fuck am I doing with my life? My time? My money? My attention? And more importantly do my outsides match my insides. Above all I value integrity, so when Iām putting something out into the world that doesnāt align with my values, I feel crooked.Ā
Lately I feel extreme frivolity when I spend money on my appearance, and I know that my money would serve a better purpose for other things in my life. Other necessities, and planning for my future. Iāve wondered whose purpose itās serving for me to maintain this blonde hair and painting concealer over my dark undereye circles.Ā
I grew up believing I had to earn love. This led to trying to prove my worth in ways that I could control. Always the hustle to do more and be more, to prove to my parents, and ultimately to myself that I was good enough. Dr. Northrup writes,Ā āwhen your working belief about yourself is that you have to earn love - earn it both by overacheiving in your own life and by rescuing someone from the pain of their own - then you will attract a person that reflects those beliefs back to youā.Ā
As I walk through this menopause gong show, I will honour what my body needs, I will not continue buying into the masks Iāve kept up for so long to be a more acceptable and loveable version of myself. I will invest in things that make me feel aligned, things that allow me to explore what brings me true joy. No more hair dye, no more makeup, no more clothes. Just me.Ā
My time here is finite. No oneās going to care about the bags under my eyes or if my roots are showing at the end. Least of all me. What a fucking freedom.Ā
#feminism#creative writing#menopause#text post#my single 365#single life#self care#radical self love#self esteem#growth
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āPerhaps we shoudl frist take time to contemplate why tending to relationships, like changing diapers, is predominantly womenās work. Caring about relationships, working on them, and upgrading our how-to skills have traditionally been wormenās domain. When something goes wrong, we are usually the first to react, to feel pain, to seek help, and to try to initiate change. This is not to say that women need relationships more than men do. Contrary to popular mythology, research has shown that women do far better alone than do their male counterparts and do not benefit as much from marriage. Yet men often seem oddly unconcerned about improving or changing a relationship once they have one. Men are rarely ambitious about improving their people skills, unless doing so will help them move up - or measure up - on the jobā.Ā
Harriet Learner, The Dance of Intimacy
#relationships#communication#patriarchy#toxic masculinity#feminism#dating#love#self worth#text post#my single 365
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What gives someone the authority to call themselves an expert in dating? I have a few letters behind my name, and I studied people, but that is not what gives me the authority. Lived experience my friends. I have so damn much of it. Two marriages, four engagements, a list of former potentials, both men and women, that had to be cut off.
Itās a blessing and a curse.
In my life Iāve sought out partnership to fill a void. As I moved through my teens and twenties, searching for who I really was in people and bottles, I always thought that next relationship would be the one that would figure me out. My thirties were a series of trial and error. Getting familiar with my values and standards, and though I went into doormat mode a few times, I came out of that decade somewhat of a warrior.
The blessing is this, itās easy to see now when my values and expectations donāt align with someone else. I no longer engage in the battle to force alignment, because my twenties and thirties taught me that compromising my values means I will end up resentful.
The other battle I left behind was the plight for partnership. Iāll try if a promising opportunity presents itself, but I wonāt become the overly invested, angsty cling-on that puts all of my proverbial eggs into one suitorās basket.
If you want advice from this expert, when you are shown through action who someone is, believe them. Stand firm in knowing what you want and who you are, and then politely excuse them from occupying anymore of your time and energy. The battles we fight to become a warrior donāt have to take until weāre 40. They did for me, but I sure hope they donāt for you.
#love#relationships#dating#prose#text post#sober dating#single life#creative writing#feminist#strong women#my single 365
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Be dat boss
Iāve been trained to question my motives behind my action. I think Iāve forgotten to do this....
My life has become definitely that of a single woman. Almost two years now. And yet, I have been living my life, making compromises for a relationship that doesnāt even exist.Ā
Let me explain...
Iām a learner. When I graduated with my degree, I knew I wanted to get my masters. I still know this, and have known this. BUT, I havenāt pursued it because I know that itās gobble up my time and energy. Iāve put it on the back burner, maintaining a schedule that will allow for a potential partner to have some of my time. Guess what. There is no partner, and thereās a shit ton of time.Ā
Iāve questioned my relationship with fitness in the last two years as well. Wondering if Iām attached to it as a method of maintaining an external appearance that caters to the male gaze. Not thinking,Ā ābut Becky, you love liftingā, just creating space in my life, creating a softer version of me for this non-existant suitor. In my experience, thatās what is being sought: younger, softer, more docile.Ā
This time is passing, has passed, and I feel like Iāve fallen back into the pattern of accomodating...making myself smaller and more digestable, less myself. Thereās no need for me to examine the roots of this, because in my world action is the only remedy. Whatever happens in my life, in regards to a relationship, I want to be the truest version of myself. My therapist said,Ā āstart the way you plan to continueā....and that is my intention. Iād hope for a partner to do the same, to be living in a way that brings joy and contentedness, not feeling the need to accomodate who they are for me.Ā
The masters has been applied for.Ā
The gym is once again my happy, second home.Ā
Hot damn yāall, this IS my year.Ā
#feminism#strong women#creative writing#single#single life#my single 365#text post#dating#dating apps#growth#radical self love#self esteem#self acceptance
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Iām sick. Iāve been sick for weeks now. I have an internal infection, which was found after TWO visits to the emergency room, a rectal exam, urine samples, blood tests, a CT scan, and yes...even pooping into a friggin cup.Ā
I didnāt go to the emergency room until Friday, after being obviously not well for a significant amount of time. When I got there, I texted my oldest sister,Ā āI always feel like a drama queen coming hereā. Then after her lovely and supportive response I said,Ā āMaybe itās because I feel like Iām wasting everyoneās time and resourcesā.Ā
She fully understood, as I think most women will. We are, and have been, taught to be small, not cause too much of a fuss, donāt rock the boat. Even when our insides are screaming that something is wrong.Ā
Yāall know Iāve got that pattern of being drawn to narcissists. Couple this with the messages Iāve received since I was school aged that Iām too bossy, a know-it-all, think Iām better than everyone...and well, my insides have consistently screamed that something was wrong. The go-to tactic to solve this though...what am I doing wrong? How can I fix this? Maybe if I just soften my approach, or am less outspoken.Ā
Even when I have been repeatedly rejected, part of me will continue to search for the error in my ways. And Iāll try again. Placing myself, yet again, in that position to be hurt.Ā
When Iām comfortable and safe I am outspoken. And bossy. And regarding some things Iām a know-it-all. And on my most recent first date, I simply declared these things. Not as things to be corrected, but as parts of who I am. These things have worked for me in my life. Iāve been a boss, Iāve gained wisdom through experience, I will speak up (now more so for myself than I ever have before).Ā
After being on the never-ending giving side of compromise, fuck it. Iām taking up my space. Ruined insides and all. Look the fuck out.Ā
#self growth#self esteem#radical self acceptance#feminist#single#my single 365#dating#dating apps#sober dating#creative writing#text post#love#relationships#communication#honesty
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At 42 Iām not nervous to go out anymore. If it works it works.
Butā¦ at 42, Iām having to YouTube tutorials on how to cover mask-ne (acne from mask wearing)ā¦ and it makes me want to eat pizza and cuddle with my cats.
In reality it all boils down to wanting to project an image of perfection. And when we sit in the theatre Iām going to make him sit on the non-zit side.
If anything can amplify any leftover insecurities, dating in middle age is it.
#relationships#strong women#creative writing#text post#dating#feminism#love#my single 365#prose#feminist#dating apps#sober dating#single life#self growth#self acceptance
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Broken Pickers
Disclaimer; I FULLY recognize that failed relationships take two people. Iām not labelling my pattern of partners in order to blame them. Knowledge is power!
A lot of people say their pickers are broken. That they keep choosing the wrong person, or rather the same person in different bodies, and then fuckers...it doesnāt work out.Ā
When I intentionally took a year away from dating in 2016, I worked on becoming less jaded and more aware of my patterns. I learned that itās not my picker thatās broken, itās my screening process.Ā
After my divorce in 2020, I again examined my part in this motherfucking process. What the heck was happening between lustful bliss and gut wrenching regret?Ā
Now, if you donāt have a therapist....GET ONE. Itās beyond beneficial to have a set of unbiased eyes on your circumstances. Even though Iām the one paying my therapist, Iām paying her to tell me the truth. This has been my truth, the big reveal about who I continue to choose as partners:
THEY ARE NARCISSISTS!!!
I thought I had been making progress, so this was a real kick in the fucking crotch.Ā
We explored the big relationships in my life. I could see the narcissism in my abusive high school/baby daddy boyfriend, the woman who stalked me after we broke up, the married guy who told me if I earned a million dollars he would leave his wife.Ā I wasnāt making the connection of the same needy tendencies of my more recent relationships and marriage.Ā
Narcissism is a self-centered personality style characterized as having an excessive interest in one's physical appearance and an excessive pre-occupation with one's own needs, often at the expense of others (wiki definition).Ā
The more subtle narcissists in my life have expressed concern about how close I am with my kids, that I donāt spend enough time with them, that I am the be all and end all of their life. When I reflected back on my marriage it was clear that no matter what I did to accomodate the needs of my partner, that accomodation was not being reciprocated. When I was in it, I was just trying so hard to make it work and to avoid yet another failure.Ā
In reality, I failed myself. I compromised to the point where my values and integrity were becoming blurry and I couldnāt see where my partner ended and I began. Worse, there were just so fucking many red flags before I put that god damned wedding ring on.Ā
So...knowledge is power...and my screening process is getting more thorough.Ā
Now, if someone reveals that they are racist, homophobic, mysoginistic, or if they have a friggin problem with this mama bear...they can fuck right off. I donāt care if Iāve invested months, some things arenāt worth comprimising. Itās not my job to educate anyone, especially not another human whoās been alive as long as I have and could have educated themselves.Ā
I BELIEVE ACTIONS, NOT INTENTIONS
As I write this, Iām on my way to watch the new Wes Anderson movie by myself. I have spent the morning working out and dancing and singing in my apartment. I have built a life I love. Walking away from people who are takers rather than givers has become something Iām abundantly skilled at.Ā
However,Ā I have two fears:
1. That Iāll get entangled with another narcissist
2. That my fear of that entanglement will keep me from being open to experience something great
So folks...onwards we march.Ā
#single#single life#my single 365#strong women#journal#spilled ink#creative writing#text post#feminist#dating#dating life#dating apps#narcissismawareness
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The archetypes of men encountered in online dating
#relationships#strong women#creative writing#feminism#text post#dating#love#my single 365#prose#feminist#Snapchat filter#dress up#halloween#online dating#dating apps
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Iāve said it before and Iāll say it again, dating as an adult is a great opportunity to see that we are all just selfish toddlers trapped in the bodies of adults.Ā Ghosting is the pinnacle of that toddler behaviour, and I refuse to participate in it.Ā
Iāve definitely been tempted after a first coffee meeting to delete and block, but I strongly believe that the more practice I get living and behaving with integrity, the more the universe is going to be like,Ā āthis bitch deserves the goodsā. So I set aside my desire to avoid what I think is going to be an uncomfortable and awkward interaction, and I am upfront and honest instead.Ā
Iām going to give yāall my breakup message, so feel free to copy and paste. Itās concise, itās respectful, and it doesnāt leave the other person wondering where you went.Ā
Here it is:
Hey, I donāt see this going any further. Thank you for hanging out, and giving me some of your time. I hope you find someone great.Ā
Thatās it. Itās not hard, itās closure for both parties. It leaves room for them to ask why if they want to, though Iāve only ever had one person ask.Ā
When I ended things with my last bro, a friend said she felt bad for him. And trust me, Iāve been in that place before too, where I feel like I just need to approach things differently, not pay attention to all of the signs that this isnāt going to work, just to give it one more shot. When I approach dating like that Iām living in fear. Fear that I wonāt find a genuinely good match, fear that Iāll have to have first dates for the rest of my life, fear that Iāll die alone in my apartment and my cats will feed on my cold dead body....but instead, I close things off and move forward. The universe will not present to me a good option if I keep a bunch of shit options around.Ā
Thereās something to be said for navigating this world of dating with a clear conscience. I donāt like loose ends in any area of my life. We can all be better than selfish two year olds while we play this game, so letās agree to be better.Ā
#dating#single#my single 365#relationships#text post#creative writing#strong women#communication#growth#feminist#single life
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The meme is funny, but I am not laughing.Ā
Tears welled up in my eyes at my massage therapy appointment today. Donāt worry yāall, my face was in the cradle. I realized that I donāt remember the last time anyone has touched me. Not in a sexual way, but like...in ANY way.Ā
Author Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages, which are acts of service, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and touch. The two that Iāve learned are my idealĀ ālanguagesā are touch and quality time. If you donāt know your languages, find out! You may realize a lot about what you need and be able to communicate SPECIFICALLY what you need to your partner.Ā
However, thereās no partner right now. And cat cuddles are just not the same as human ones.Ā
In the past, sex was THE driving force in my all of my dating decisions. A race to get to the finish line, only to realize that I literally cannot stand the person whose mouth was just on my mouth, or bits were just near my bits.Ā
There was a brief time with someone last year, and I fell into that pattern, deciding based on lust. When I think back on it, my behaviour indicated to him that I was down to take that trip to pound town. He was the first person I saw after my divorce, and after our first coffee date he asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to go make out in his car. Bold move, yes. Would I do it again, NO.Ā
I started to get resentful that he was only texting after 8pm, which is pretty much my bedtime, and would want toĀ āhang outā. But really, duh. Of course he wanted toĀ āhang outā. He learned from MY behaviour that this is what I was looking for.
Iām not though. Basing my dating choices on sex and lust and smooching is an old and broken behaviour. Itās proven to me that it summons the skeeziest of people with the shallowest of motives. But itās easy. Too easy. Zero effort required.Ā
I know what I want, and I know that itās more than physical. As is shared with one online suitor who asked me what I was looking for:Ā
āI am looking for someone who is emotionally intelligent and can deal with whatever baggage they have productively and proactively. Someone who has a life and friends outside of a romantic relationship and other means of support. Someone who is decent and wants the best for humanity. And someone with a sense of humility, teachable and self awareā.Ā
For the record, his response when I returned the question was,Ā āme too, but with girl partsā.Ā
There was subsequently no touching.Ā
So, for now, Iāll do my best not to get too emotional at the RMT office.Ā
#dating#single life#relationships#5 love languages#text post#meme#single#creative writing#strong women#feminist#online dating
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Guys, I made it to date 4 with someone. So far thatās a record. The initial attraction was how much we had in common. We work in the same industry, weāre both personal trainers as well, same preference for domesticated pets. And the clincher, he had a knack for talking about social justice in a way that really made me swoon.
I had a lot of hope. Had being the operative word.
Surface stuff is not what relationships are made of. It doesnāt matter to me that we can compare crazy work stories or workouts if thereās nothing else behind it.
I noticed things about Mr. In-Common. He liked to talk. So much. Not about anything, but he had something to say about everything. And oh so much unsolicited advice. About what I should be watching, eating, what social media platforms are worth my time. All advice started with a finger point and a, āyou knowā. By the fourth date I was dreading that finger point.
The other thing I noticed was the detours taken to avoid talking about anything real. I brought up my past, my divorces, my children, and somehow the conversation kept turning back to pop culture, theories about the Marvel Universe, and his latest Reddit findings.
This guy has the potential to be my bro, and nothing more. Thereās lots of dudes Iāll talk to about the gym and movies. My partner is not going to be my bro.
What have I learned, donāt get your hopes up, and donāt look for someone who is exactly like me.
#relationships#feminism#strong women#love#creative writing#prose#text post#dating#my single 365#self growth
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āI donāt need that stress, that stress. Iām a boss in a fucking dressā - Little Simz
I donāt know when it shifted, but at some point I stopped approaching relationships entirely based on the premise that I was going to get something out of it. That the lucky duck I was relating with would work out my kinks and Iād finally be alright. I had a vague understanding of who I was and what I was looking for, but in all honesty, I was expecting a fucking miracle in the shape of a 6 foot tall, bearded, plaid wearing, modern day knight.Ā
Iāve dealt with my fair share of the beards and plaid to know that there are no knights.Ā
Thereās something to be said for knowing what you can give. Being in tune with who and what you really are, and having the capacity to share that with someone else. My last relationship was about giving. It was about compromise and being selfless and accomodating. I was terrified of reverting back to my former self, my old ways of being a taker.Ā
Dude, my pendulum swung too far in the other direction.Ā
I know what I can give.Ā
I can listen but not fix. I can support but not carry. I can play my part, but not orchestrate the entire symphony.Ā
I am a boss, down to my guts and bones. Seeking same. <3
#single life#my single 365#strong women#dating#relationships#feminist#little simz#boss#text post#single#creative writing
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Social Lubrication
*This photo was taken in 2009, 1 month prior to my last day of drinking. Obviously. I look fucked. And what the fuck is going on with my eyebrows??Ā
In my 20ā²s I was good at finding a companion. I seemed to have no difficulty navigating social situations or picking out a temporary mate. This is almost solely attributed to the fact that I used liquor to buffer the discomfort of being me out in the big bad world. Drunk and rejected just didnāt quite hurt as much. Although I donāt remember much rejection, and I wasnāt hanging out with a picky group of people.Ā
The only way I knew how to be social was to lubricate. Pre-game before I left the house, get some sauce in me so I could feel at ease. Not just at ease, but like....goooood man.Ā
In the light of day, Iād hazily recollect my adventure. Iād scrub off the mascara crusted on my face and attempt to Advil the gross out of me. When the realization settles that the past daysā adventure STILL didnāt satisfy my genuine need for intimate companionship, Iād have to repeat the cycle. This cycle was what I knew, and I was not aware of another way.Ā
The drinks went down, inhibitions went down, expectations went down, standards went down, pants went down, and round and round we go.
Dating apps now have little buttons you can press, indicators about who you really are. For drinking and other fun stuff, people can choose that they are a Never, Social, or Frequent flyer. As a Never, Iāve had some people take that as a challenge, and presume that their sales pitch ofĀ ājust one drinkā will be enough to have me push that fuck it button and resume drinking after 12 years of not. Iāve had people tell me I just had to see their wine cellar, and then Iād change my mind. Iāve had people identify as a Never or Social, and then proceed to drink 5 pints in under 2 hours. Iāve had people ask questions about what being a Never is like, feigning some sort of compassionate response, only to invite me to a bar.Ā
Sillies. No thanks.
Before, and maybe this is a twenty-year-old-thing, social meant volume. Lots of noise, lots of drinks, lots of chaos. Always finding the bigger party, the better place to be, the better person to hookup with. And when that was my life, part of me believed I was having a good time. But man, there is nothing fun about feeling like shit the entire day after you go out, or spending money you donāt have, or getting a bit too lippy with someone and then having to sort it out in the fucking morning, or worse...making frickin plans to go hiking or some dumb shit. Thereās a lonely grayness to the day after that only McDonaldās and toilet time could aid.Ā
I missed living. I missed being present in my own life and the lives of the people I love. Whether they noticed or not, I had the potential to be a better mother, sister, auntie, employee, friend. I thought alcohol amplified the good, but it only dulled and scuffed the truly beautiful things in my life.Ā
Dating, or even socializing without having to drink has been freedom - ok, maybe not at first, at first it was terrifying. I can see clearly now when itās time to go home. When the night is either winding down, or winding up into something I donāt want to be a part of. I can see that I donāt really want to be around other people who need that social lubrication, because they arenāt who they present themselves to be, and whatever happens will be a very real memory to me and a blurry something to them.Ā
I am ready for real, unlubricated connection.Ā Ā
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In this time of female independence and detachable shower heads, relationships are no longer a necessity. They are a āniceā thing to have.
I was taught growing up that it was a necessity, and I guess never learned that I could be a bit picky about who lives in my heart and home.
Internet dating is the perfect platform to learn what you are and arenāt willing to put up with. Though somewhat impersonal, people have a tendency to show their true colours behind the safety of a screen (and possibly from the comfort of their mamaās basement).
I fully disclose my position on my profile. I am clear that I believe in equity, that racists and homophobes need not apply. I disclose my vaccination status, and that I am progressive in my political views, angling toward socialism. I am upfront about my lifestyle as a sober woman, and the time and effort I put into maintaining my spiritual fitness. This is not meant as an invitation to challenge meā¦..
Hooowwwwweeevvvveeerrrrr, psychos be crazy my friend. Thereās an odd brand of human on dating apps these days, Iām sure they arenāt looking for partnership, but a fight. Apparently theyāre finding Bumble and Facebook Dating the perfect soapbox to stand on and barf their opinions into my DMās.
How about we just donāt. How about in one small area of our already chaotic lives, we donāt pick on each otherās differences and just find commonalities. It takes a considerable effort to search profiles, read what someone is all about, swipe, and initiate and maintain conversation.
In fact, in this time of division, I can genuinely admit that my relationship status of single has been an additional source of stress. How nice it would be to have someone to confide in after all of the madness how overwhelming the world is today, how anxiety inducing it is that we are all living through a terrifying time in history. Iām sure my cats would like a break in baring the emotional load.
Instead, while looking for said confidante, some (2 so far) shitheads feel it necessary to school me on their perceived errors in my thinking. Not like a quick, āhey, too bad we donāt see eye to eyeā type message. These are lectures. Paragraphs of their ācorrectā opinions, berating me for mine.
I get it. Iām passionate, and Iāve had to work on curiosity and understanding as opposed to firmly standing in my ārightnessā. Iāve learned to just leave it alone, because Iām not going to change anyoneās mind, and I have control over my thoughts and actions, and that is all.
I also swipe left, the direction for āno thanksā, A LOT. Smokers, avid drinkers, daddies with little kids needing mommies, men holding dead fish, people who live over 30 kilometres awayā¦lots of left swiping. And simply swiping left when someone doesnāt suit what Iām looking for is always a choice.
Guys, I just donāt wanna fight anymore. I want a partner and some peace. Too much to ask for??
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Iāve been on and off the dating apps for awhile. Getting crushes on people I have regular contact with, then becoming disgusted by them. Being ready to put myself out there, then hiding under the covers and swearing off all contact with humanity.Ā
I declared a crush to my friends recently, and then disclosed my flirting attempt. This was met with laughter. This was met with,Ā āthat was flirting?!?!ā
Iām not good at it, like at all. I think Iām basically showing someone my boobs, and they donāt even know Iāve interacted with them. My perception of howĀ āout thereā Iām being is skewed. Like the polar opposite of what Iām actually doing.Ā Ā
I get in my own head, I presume that Iām going to start a conversation with someone, theyāre going to roll their eyes and ignore me. Logically, I know the chances of someone being that rude...well, hopefully I donāt experience that. But in my guts and bones, I canāt seem to think of things to say, or body language to exude flirty feelings.Ā
So the nerd in me researched flirting. Shut up. Itās what I do.Ā
I literally googled how to flirt....and I scrolled, and read, and laughed, and was embarrassed a the thought of trying most of the things. Google really breaks it the fuck down for you. Flirting via text, in person, at work, in public. Not only did I feel inadequate as a woman, but I felt inadequate as a human in my ability to interact with another human.Ā
BUT...the one thing that stuck out to me about my research, and let me tell you, this was multiple hours of reading my friends, is that flirting isnāt about how I feel, itās about making the other person feel good.Ā
Holy shit! Iāve spent so much time worried about what the response was going to be, I have likely been coming across like Iām constipated. Iām barely getting out two sentences, then wincing like a puppy about to get smacked with a newspaper. My focus has almost never been to focus on the target of my flirt.Ā
First of all, I have to remember that Iām a catch. Iām not being braggy, but like I have my shit together, so if Iām flirting with someone they should be glad about it. I wonāt go so far as to say grateful, Iām not Beyonce, but at least glad.Ā
Second of all, who the fuck cares. Iām learning that rejection isnāt that big of a deal. I literally get rejected most of the time on most of the dating apps. And guess what, Iām still alive and thriving.Ā
So if I get real awkward around you...look out...Iām probably doing my best.Ā
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Sheās at it again
In 2016 I was single by choice for one year. I spent that year focused on myself and my growth. It was intentional, every month I read something new about relationships, I uncovered some deep rooted misbeliefs about relationships, I discovered that I have operated under pretenses that have kept me from experiencing true intimacy and partnership.Ā
Then I got married in 2018.
Then I got divorced in 2020.Ā
What have we learned friends?Ā
Too much. And at some point Iād like the learning to stop. My experience tells me though, that the learning will stop when the lesson sinks in about what is needed to refrain from repeating the same mistakes with different skin sacks.Ā
Like any beginning, it started with best feet forward, best clothes, hair, grooming, tidy home, eating like a lady, no poop jokes or talking about tricky things like money. Then the reality sets in, and you see how they deal with a home and grooming, and poop jokes and money. You learn how you will handle yourself in front of them when shit gets too real or uncomfortable. You see how you can be a muted version of yourself, but not your whole self. Your whole self would hurt their feelings. You resort back to the pretenses that you operated under for 3 decades that worked well enough.Ā
Rather than turn back, you turn a blind eye. You say you can handle someone who is miserly, someone who canāt clean up after themselves, someone who is so insecure they question every friendship outside of your very small married social circle as though they are preying on you. Itās okay when you ask them to read a book with you about communicating and they roll their eyes. When you ask them to come to a meeting on your birthday with those who have helped you get and stay sober they ādonāt really feel like itā. They schedule work for days when family gatherings are taking place and then complain that they feel left out.
And you turn a blind eye until all of these things chip away and who you are and what you value. And you get tired. And you get sick, physically and mentally. You lay in bed for a week under a dark cloud of depression and your sole focus when you can muster the courage to not be fake sleeping is to assure him that your depression is not his fault. You quietly try to plan and execute conversations with your children that are private to conserve his ego, he doesnāt understand how mother and daughter and son might need some quiet conversation. This dance, this egg-shell waltz, was a welcomed challenge at first, but now itās painful and exhausting.
You forget that you like to learn to play instruments and sing, that you like movies that donāt star Adam Sandler or Will Ferrell, that a date night isnāt sitting on opposite pieces of furniture staring at reality tv until itās time to say goodnight. You forget that when that dark cloud of depression sits on you, suffocating you, your only job is to get well. You try to focus on the good, but youāre still picking egg shells out of your calloused, sore soles.
Now, in the quiet, with the assets divided, the cats fed, the morning light pouring in with no plan pushing your participation in this gray Sunday, you sit. You wonder what you should do with all of this time. Time that would have been spent being small enough to allow their extra-large personality fill the room is now reclaimed. But youāve forgotten what it was that you wanted to do in the first place.
Time to start again. With new learning, a renewed appreciation for who you are and what you have to offer. Itās hard, itās scary, and itās epically different than it was just a few years ago. As a human, being hardwired for connection means seeking partnership, even it this shit time in the world. Iām told itāll be worth it. We shall see.Ā
#creative writing#writing#prose#journal#growth#relationships#feminist#strong women#my single 365#self growth#dating
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