wave on earth

"I think I'll live my whole life wishing my life was as free as someone else's instead of searching for that freedom myself."

"I was just a kid, trying to heal from my trauma while dealing with the pressures of growing older as though I even had a clue of what the fuck I was doing and if I even wanted to make it to tomorrow."

"I've gotten so good at dissociating over the years that it's like pulling a chord from the wall. You don't want to feel pain anymore? No problem. Unplug. I use dissociation as a shield. It's become a morphine drip to cloud fucking nine so I don't have to experience the impact of life and death options being explained to my nana. Which are really just two ways she can go: slow and easy or quick and painful. I let the morphine flow. I tell myself I'm okay. I'm not here. This isn't happening."

"Maturing is realizing your pain doesn't make you one in a million but a million to one."

how are you supposed to feel worthy of something when you have gone your entire life only experiencing the opposite of what you want? i despise and feel enraged when people tell me that i must believe in myself, that this is the key that will open opportunies. maybe i do not think i am unlovable because i have a low self esteem. maybe i really think i'm smart and funny and interesting but when you are unnoticed and your presence seems to not make impact on a single person, you start to wonder. maybe some of us like themselves a whole lot but we feel like we should not do that. a fact is different from an opinion because the former expresses a reality and not a taste, so how can i know for a fact that all the good things within me are real and not a result of pure delusion - pushed by the instinctual human nature to think we are better than what we really are - if no one notices? we can love ourselves all we want but if we are doomed to be these ghosts who are present but not really, it is never going to be enough. at the end of all things, life is an act of showing off. we only exist if someone else looks our way; if they don't we are pure nothingness. and some of us have gone an entire life without that privilege.

"There were moments when I was so angry, I burned with it. But even in those dark moments when I was blinded with hate and violent thoughts, I never took it out on you. It turned inward, blackening my soul and damning my mind. And in the end it was me who bled. Me with my nails bloodied from digging beneath my skin and trying to rip the spoiled parts out of me like stubborn roots clinging to the ground."

"I still think about the night when I wanted to walk down to the sea and the 1am call that almost never happened. The details are still visceral in my mind like a part of me remains there, buried."

What if you leave me and I don't get to say goodbye? What if this lifetime is the only lifetime I get to spend with you? What if I spend the rest of my years wondering whether you knew how much I loved you? What if you leave me before I am ready to say goodbye?

anissa d.

— James Baldwin, They Can’t Turn Back

dolores nemi caldentey

"Sometimes I want to ruin myself all over again. Step through the doors to my past. Rip open old scars. Drench myself in familiar pain and drown in the agony until all I can feel is my heart pounding out the same old tune. Let me go. Let me go. Let me go."

there's laundry to do and a genocide to stop by vinay krishnan

Getting older is a scary thing. Time starts running out. And everything you've dreamed of doing with your life feels as out of reach as the moon and the stars.

I'd spent too much time hanging onto a friendship that I knew wouldn't last. But how do you let go of a friendship you've always wanted, even if there were times when it came at your own expense? When you feel on top of the world with that person ... how do you admit to yourself that they're more toxic than good?

When I'm alone in the dark, my mortality is the loudest.