Maybe spurning the entire concept of love is a bit juvenile. But trusting people? Getting attached? That shits a liability

it’s kinda funny to me how that dumb scene in kiwami 1 of majima getting shot and left for dead in the harbor was basically just added as a half-assed way to explain majima not being around for a bit of the plot, but they accidentally(?) just made it seem like start of a chain reaction where majima ended up feeling slighted and heartbroken after being abandoned like that and then lashed out about it via smashing a big truck into the building kiryu was in. and yeah that isn’t inherently a romantic thing as-is but then they go and add the part where majima grabs a hostess and performatively hits on her as in-kiryu’s-face as possible, she says she’s already in love with someone, and majima lets her go immediately, no questions asked, making a big fucking point of it just to say see THAT kiryu? I appreciate when people are HONEST about their FEELINGS. people who won’t just BACKSTAB someone who CARES about them to save themselves. is that so crazy kiryu?? huh??? anyway make it up to me get down here and fight me right fucking now

The one time I agree with a Br*t; he’s right!

Was thinking about “meet the spy” again, yknow because I’m normal, and I realized two things.

First one is not a realization so much as it is an observation, but it’s the language that spy uses when he’s disguised as scout. It’s all the same cadence, lingo, and verbiage that he uses and I find that extremely funny. Because like. Not only does he know modern slang but he knows how to use it also. Do you think he ever uses them outside of work 💀 like “uhg… this sucks total balls.”

Second is that Oh My God? Spy must be riddled with anxiety. This man is anxious as all hell twenty four seven. Imagine it. You’re feet, sometimes inches away from the enemy all day. And he was alone in there too, there wasn’t any backup if things went wrong. It was either, you do this perfectly on the first try, or you die. That’s a Lot.

every day someone irritates the living shit out of me with a take like this

yes that’s what the show tells us. but is the show right??? (hint: ABSOLUTELY NOT)

what if. Amy “fix-it” because hallucifer makes sam so paranoid about dean leaving for no reason that sam gives in and follows him and is witness to the whole thing

Outside of all of… that happening to Gojo, and finishing Snowfall the other day, eek……..

Does anyone have any recommendations for (audio)books where the characters are nice to each other and the protagonists win in the end without being traumatized beyond recognition? The last four or five books I’ve listened to have been real downers and I need a palette cleanser. Don’t care what genre as long as it’s fiction, preferably aimed at adults

i need you all to know that if a post of mine has a typo in it and you reblog it without informing me i consider you my enemy

;

saw a post from someone about how using q//r is good or whatever bc “you should be banding together with your fellow freaks!” NO!!! NO!!! I DONT WANT TO BE A FREAK. HOW DO YOU NOT GET THAT. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I WANT TO TELL PPL I LOVE MEN AND WOMEN AND HAVE NO ONE BAT AN EYE. I WANT MY LGBT FAMILY TO LIVE HOW THEY WANT TO AND FEEL SAFE!!! IM NOT A FREAK. THEYRE NOT FREAKS. BEING LABELED A “FREAK” IS EXACTLY WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SUICIDES AND SO MUCH VIOLENCE AGAINST LGBT PEOPLE. IDC IF YOURE “DEI” TRAINED OR WHATEVER, DONT FUCKING CALL US FREAKS!!!!

This is the order of my reactions to the s t u f f

Hey in case anyone is struggling with the same thing, here’s something I worked out recently while journaling.

tw for threatening/shaming about dental hygiene, mention of self harm, vaguely mentioned privacy violations, and medical procedure/anesthesia mentions, and me doing a LOT of trauma dumping

I have mental and physical disabilities which I am continually avoiding getting care for and most urgently out of that I’ve had untreated cavities and a root canal that I’ve known about for over a year plus rapidly moving teeth plus impacted wisdom teeth that need to come out, and that’s a problem. I KNOW it’s bad to keep putting it off but I can’t ask for help and I can’t get it done BECAUSE

- I am terrified of what medical people will say and do

- I have zero trust that I won’t feel things while numbed because I always did before after a while

- my sensory issues are so high sometimes I repeatedly gag just while trying to brush my teeth, not even get super far back

- my jaw is prone to pain and strains and partial dislocation and my teeth are prone to feeling wobbly and bruised and I hate both

- I was shamed and guilted and threatened about oral hygiene for a long time

- I was lectured by medical people even after trying to explain that I was so depressed and adhd and scared about that a i wasn’t even sleeping or eating or doing hobbies or doing school/work a lot of the time, so it was really difficult for me to even remember I should do hygiene for teeth because I was forgetting that I even need food or water or time outside of a building and that made me feel even more ashamed

- the one time I went to talk to the endodontist about getting the root canal, he didn’t let me chat, he didn’t take my nerves and guilt seriously, he pressed a cold thing to my teeth until it got to the the root canal one and hurt like crazy—without telling me why he was doing it or warning me it would hurt if I needed a root canal, and didn’t sympathize when I started crying involuntarily after he told me they’d need to do a root canal and I needed to just have better brushing and flossing that was the only answer, and then tossed me out to the front desk and left

- I have to be minimally sedated for the root canal because otherwise I will literally fuck up my vitals and jaw joints guaranteed but I can’t afford even light sedation much less anything useful

- but also, most importantly, what I just realized this week:

I was in hospitals with family members for years watching them get procedures and surgeries and from age 8 onward seeing people helpless and out of their usual minds after surgeries and saying stuff. And I lived in FEAR for SEVERAL years of ever having to get twilight or full sedation not because of needing it or of pain but because I felt that if I woke up from it:

- my mom at least would be there no matter what because that’s how things go it’s what we do

- I didn’t know what my brain would think about after sedation

- I know people talk about things after sedation

- I had a lot of secrets that i felt sure would get me in massive trouble at best and months to years of lectures, “spiritual direction”, and punishments/restrictions at best

- and I felt like there was no protection from me saying something after sedation that implicated me in liking stories I shouldn’t or saying a cuss word or mentioning I knew someone who was lgbt or something about self harming or something about sneaking on the internet in different ways to read the U by Kotex website articles and tumblr and stuff when I was supposed to only have access to school things

- etc etc

So basically, my brain trained for years that “any medical sedation could lead to you not only being helpless but also lead to you ruining your life and doing the emotional and mental equivalent of being murdered and having the only remaining not-miserable things taken away and having everyone disgusted with you and being constantly a target forever after that”

and so on top of the 1) previous painful cavity filling experiences, 2) my complete lack of privacy or autonomy (including preemptive warnings, explanations, or asking if something was okay) during doctor visits till after age 18, 3) uncomfortable scenarios with not being warned about things medically until they were happening partway through a treatment or exam, 4) lots of times seeing family members have scary altered consciousness or bad complications after procedures, 5) being shamed and terrified into hating my own teeth and avoiding dental hygiene from the stress, and 6) being taught I didn’t own my body and it was a threat and a dangerous temptation so I stopped identifying with it and hated having it and tried to just not care about it, I’m actually so conditioned to feel like after-procedure-times are actually a risk to my life and safety that it only makes sense some really desperate versions of me are trying to make sure this doesn’t happen no matter how extra ashamed I get or how much I’m risking dental and other health and how much worse I’m making everything by letting the tooth rot grow.

I don’t know what to DO about this yet, since I haven’t gotten to a place where I can tell or trust any adult or friend enough to ask them to help or anything, and I’m an adult so I HAVE to handle things myself legally, and I can’t even convince myself to get a psychiatrist or a physical therapist or even tell my new PCP anything that’s wrong with me EVEN THOUGH I DID THE NEW PATIENT VISIT SPECIFICALLY SO I COULD START GETTING MEDICAL CARE…

…but I’m going to not allow myself to be angry with myself and I’m going to try to be ready to jump on the chance when I do feel able to take a leap about this and just get it done no matter how much debt I have to add on to my pile

oh yes you were at court! i forgot that was at the start of that post lmao. i've been to court twice when i was super young for drinking underage and then smoking lool it was so boring and long and shit but thankfully you were just there for moral support, i hope it wasen't such a bad thing your friend had to deal with! I remember seeing you post about moving but i forget if it was TO or AWAY from your parents but that clears it up. I totally get you on that though, i'm living at home right now and i feel kind of similar about not feeling comfortable in your own home. Its a bit different for me, but similar enough. Hell my stepdad even sleeps in the living room too! hes always done that so ive always felt like i had to be on eggshells when night time hit. I used to sneak smoking in the backyard back in the day myself, i got caught once when i was in highschool he made me throw all my pieces out which sucked big time. ahhh i love that, art! you should totally show more stuff on here too, at least if you're comfortable and its not stuff you'd wanna sell, i would absolutely love to see any of it 🖤i've dabbled in writing poems and things i planned to make songs, although only recently. I've always wanted to be a musician but my attempts at learning guitar over the years have never ended up lasting long and i try to learn singing but i just dont really think i can. plus i was always afraid of self expression so i never wrote until a few years ago. i still do, because music is so important to me (which is why i did pick 🎤!) and it makes me so happy but yeah. i have 2 shows im headed to in a few months even so im so excited 🥰my day though has been so boring, i mostly played video games and watched youtube videos. watched another episode of a show i've been watching called Silo, which i absolutely love. im so surprised you had room in your tags still after myself lmao, but i do that same thing i always talk in the tags! also i'm giving you tons of hugs and kisses 😘🥰 - 🎤

Hi hi hi ☺️ how are you doing lovely? 🥰

love understanding myself, but gently… not in the harsh, judgmental, over-analytical way i did as a teenager… just being like “oh huh, my enjoyment of this and my enjoyment of that actually have the same root if you trace it back far enough… isn’t that something?” it’s fun! i sure am a Little Creacher.

gonna be blunt and just say that people make me feel like I’m not worth any effort or that I’m just a joke and I’m really sick of it