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#you can see why its hard for this school to retain teachers
cordria · 10 months
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I work in a school-adjacent field right now, so my job is tied to the school year. I've worked there for about a year, and my contract is up. Had to schedule a meeting with the boss, where I'd either be offered another year-long contract or be released.
I really really wanted another contract. I like this job, it has health insurance for my kids, I get paid really well, and it offers superb vacation time. Me - being me - overthought the hell out of it. I spent weeks curating data as to why I should be retained for another year. I had spreadsheets. I had presentations. I had data at my fingertips for any eventuality.
New contract was the ultimate goal. I was going to ask for a 1-2% raise, depending on how the meeting went, but I was perfectly fine with nothing.
Head into the meeting, and it doesn't take more than a few minutes to realize something is very amiss...
He's got zero desire to look at my data. No asking questions about what I'd been doing. Nothing. He's just... talking about his company. His plans for its future. How I fit into those plans.
And I realize - he's got zero plans on releasing me. He's talking to me about the reasons why I shouldn't leave. Why I shouldn't allow myself to be poached.
Mentally, I sorta check out of the meeting because I hadn't prepared for this. I can't ask for a 2% raise. I'll look like I don't know my worth, and that can be a death-knell for a woman. You'll never again get a great contract if male bosses think you don't know what you're worth and can't stand up for it. I need to be at 3-5% above COLA. And I just saw the COLA numbers, but I can't for the life of me remember them! COLA coulda been anywhere between 1% and like maybe 7%. I can't just guess.
Boss just keeps talking while I'm scrambling. Barely paying attention to him and answering on autopilot. And then he takes a tangent that drags my mind off of numbers. Asks me about my supervisor.
My supervisor is... nice. You know those teachers in school where the system worked well for them, and they like the system, and they can't imagine the system doesn't work for someone else? Those teachers where, if the system isn't serving you, the only logical reason for that is lack of effort on your part? Yeah, she's one of those.
My job is literally to challenge those systems. She's nice, but we butt heads a lot because she doesn't see why I'm so set on changing something that works so well, no matter how many ways I've tried to explain it to her or what research I've handed her.
I'm trying to pussy-foot my way around answering the questions from my boss. I can't throw her under a bus - especially since she's one of the nicest, most generous people at this office - but I also am trying to be honest. She's throwing a monkey wrench in what I'm doing. She's making my work harder, and it's already hard since schools and teachers hate listening to 'your old way of doing things isn't working so well'. So I've totally lost track of trying to figure out COLA. Talking through this puzzle is taking up my brain.
I musta done fine, because eventually he pulls out my contract. Tells me I'm embodying the future of what he wants my department to be. Says he'd like to put me on 'management track'. Preferably to take over my supervisor's position at this point next year. More responsibility. Trying out 'mentoring' some of the other staff I work with.
I'm... not sure how I feel about that. I've never been in the 'boss' track, other than some random shift-lead positions at fast food joints. I'm not exactly management material. I'm one of those people who do best when given a gentle nudge in the direction you'd like me to travel, give me free rein to implement data and research, and stand back to watch the positive chaos unfold. That actually seems like the thing boss likes about me best.
He offered me a good raise. I was very off-foot and didn't argue with it, but probably should have. Looked it up - was 5% above local COLA, so I'm happy. Reasonable contract, but I probably could've snagged another 2-3% for this management track nonsense had my brain been wired right. So I signed it, handed it back.
Now I got 'leadership' training four days over the next two weeks as I learn more about this management track he's wanting me on. I figure it if doesn't work out of me, I can always just say so. Then he can choose to keep me in a regular position or release me at the end of this contract. If nothing else, I'm staring at a binder full of data that I wasted a lot of time on that shows why someone else might want to hire me.
Might as well give this mess a try - right?
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zafirosreverie · 2 years
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Think about it (Geraldine x F!Reader)
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(Not my gif. Found on Google, credits to its owner)
Part 2
_________________
"M-Miss Gullet?"
The redhead sighed and tried not to roll her eyes as she turned to look at you. You were Cackles's new astronomy teacher and her former student.
You used to be the best of your class and although you had shown yourself to be an excellent teacher (Hardbroom being the one to accept you already spoke volumes about your abilities) you were too young in her opinion.
Of course, there was nothing wrong with it. Your age had proven to be an advantage to the academy, as the girls felt more comfortable with you and you worked well as a bridge between them and the rest of the staff. But there were also times, like this, when it was...hard to deal with you.
If she was honest, she had been surprised that you tried to approach her almost immediately, and even more so that you decided to stay after your first week. She wasn't stupid, she knew what the rest of the school thought of her, that she was boring and undesirable, someone they didn't want around other than for class matters. She needed the job, that's why she had put up with it.
But you, you were different. She didn't understand. Sure, she remembered that when you were her student you used to be nicer to her than the rest and she guessed that now that you were back as a teacher, you retained a bit of that niceness to everyone.
But the more time passed, the more determined to seek her out and spend time with her you seemed. It was as if you had decided that she was your new favorite person. And she didn't know what to do.
It was not a familiar situation for her, although deep down she was grateful. So she just did what she always did: wait for you to tire and walk away, ignoring the hint of hope she felt every time you refused to leave her.
"What's it now, Miss Y/L/N?" she asked, trying to sound disinterested "lost your broom again?"
"No" you laughed adorably "I lent it to Mildred"
"Hubble?!"
"Yes" you shrugged "the girl needs a good broom, hers is broken"
"And yours will soon be too"
"At least she will have learned something" you smiled
"...you have a strange way of looking at education, Y/L/N"
"Y/N" you kindly corrected
"I don't usually call my colleagues by their first names" she raised an eyebrow
"And what about your friends?"
The redhead froze in her place. Friends? She had no friends and had never needed one. She was a strong witch, despite what Hardbroom and the other teachers might think, Ada had considered her worthy of being a teacher at her academy for a reason. She didn't need friends.
And she was about to tell you that, but when she looked at you she could see a lovely gleam of hope in your pretty eyes, one that reminded her of herself looking in the mirror as a child and longing to be part of a group of friends back in her days of school. So all she could do was whisper.
"You want to be my friend?"
She felt foolish and small asking such a thing, as if she was betraying all the protections she had built for herself over the years. But her fears faded when you smiled sweetly and leaned in a little, like a little girl about to tell a secret.
"Wasn't it obvious? I want to be more than that" you said "but I can wait. A friendship is the best first step I can think of"
Her breath caught in her throat and she could feel a deep blush creep up her cheeks quickly as she looked at you with wide eyes. She tried to look for any hint of lies or jokes in you, but she only found sincerity in your eyes and that scared her.
"Think about it, Geraldine" you said
Emboldened by the lack of immediate rejection, you gave her a quick peck on the cheek before storming out of there, leaving your former teacher and crush behind confused and heart racing.
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hello i'm so sorry to hear that you have been overwhelmed with asks :( i hope this blog will be able to find new mods who can help ease the workload ^^
that said, i sent an ask and afaik it hasn't been answered, so here goes:
is there a term or something for parentification, but with teachers and school? my school had this peer teaching system where the teacher would only teach the lesson to five smartest students, then we were the ones asked to teach other kids. the rest of the class were separated into five different groups and assigned to one of those five tutors. the system seem good in a glance, bc teaching is one of the best method to retain new lessons (idk if it applies to everyone, but it did help me retain new stuff better). but if theres someone who didnt do well in the assignment given after the tutor session, the tutor's grade would be decreased by the teacher. i feel like it gave us tutors excessive stress, since we had to be responsible for a group of ppl's grades too, and not just ours. besides, it also affected the other students badly. the ones who are considerate but not good at that particular subject will feel on edge and anxious whenever they couldnt understand the lesson no matter how hard they tried, bc if they fail they will feel like a burden that ruins the tutor's grade. meanwhile, the students who werent considerate took us tutors for granted. they used the fact that their grades would affect ours to coerce us into giving them our answers, saying that its a win-win solution for us both, instead of actually trying to pay attention to the tutors' explanation
that system didnt last long, but i think it did affect me for years after that. it made me become easier target to exploit bc deep down i still feel responsible for others' grades and had to help ppl even when i didnt have the bandwidth to do so
Hi anon,
Wow, that system does not sound great at all! There are so many reasons someone may get a low grade that has nothing to do with a tutor, or their willingness to learn.
Your feelings surrounding this are so valid. I can see why that would affect someone for years and I am really glad they did away with the system!
As for a term, I honestly haven't heard of one.
Have any followers?
April
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dailypositivequotes · 6 years
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I might quit.
Honest god after today, I am really thinking about it hard. I know I am not returning next year as we are moving next year (though my school doesn’t know that) but I am not sure I want to stay around till May.
EVERy. SINGLE. WEEK. MULTIPLE. DAYS. DURING. THE. WEEK. I’ve been told by administration I’m “amazing” “above and beyond” “Superb” teacher, that I should win staff member of the week (fun fact: NOPE. EVEN when one week I did my work and 3 other teachers’ work because they were out the ENTIRE week and didn’t have any sub plans or anything so I made some plans and copied them. Took kids who were high fliers from those classes and kept them with my class. LESSENED THE BURDEN ON THE ADMIN BASICALLY)
Yet. Who gets overlooked for staff member of the week? Me (I mean I don’t care /too/ much  because its just a jeans day pass. But I’m of the opinion if you keep telling me i’m doing so much I’m sure to win, and I don’t...what the hell do I need to do more). WHO GOT TOLD TODAY THAT THEY AREN’T DOING ENOUGH? ME. Who got told that they WERE amazing in the beginning of the year but now is slipping? ME. Who got asked to go to the office for a meeting to be informed in said meeting that I am not doing things right as a teacher? ME. Who got told all my issues in my class are because I don’t have a seating chart? Me. After it was explained there IS a seating chart, who got told that fine, they needed to ENFORCE the seating chart? Me. Who got told, after it was explained that seating chart is heavily enforced, that fine, they needed MORE structure in their classroom because if its unstructured then OF COURSE students will act up? Me. Who ALSO got points deducted from their evaluation because their class is “too structured” and not enough “project-based / student centered”? Me.
Who got reprimanded because they put in two referrals the day before? me. 
Why? Oh literally at the end of the day I had two students fist-fight. They were leaving my class to go the bus. And fist fights are office referral worthy actions. SORRY it looks bad that two students out of a class of 32 had to be suspended. Not sure how that impacts my teaching. 
I walked out of the meeting outwardly fine inwardly a mess. Went to my team teacher and basically cried. He was an admin before he stepped down to be a teacher again and warned me never to go to the office meeting again without a union rep because he’s seen these things before and it seems to him like that admin. is trying to set me up to the take the fall for something and I should not be alone with them to allow that. Also he was upset for me because nothing remotely in that meeting was true and he agrees that I’ve grown so much as a teacher since last year and he has seen I don’t make the same mistake twice. And how dare they tell me I am a terrible teacher when every one in the school knows that I’m not. 
I’m probably not going to quit, because I don’t want my students to lose out on a quality education I can give them. And this has basically nothing to do with my students so I don’t want to take it out on them. But if another day like today happens, I just might quit. 
And I know its one act of criticism versus weeks of positive ones. But it angers me so much that it was untrue and the way they put it in the meeting, all those weeks of being great were “undone” by yesterday’s fight so.... to me its like wtf why even be ‘great’ if one thing students do undoes all that. 
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kira-fluff · 2 years
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obnoxious - suna rintarou x fem!reader
you were at your wit's end with your unfortunate acquaintance - a mutual friend between you and osamu - suna. he irritates you more than anyone else has, he can get under your skin quicker than others... but, as they say, there is not a distinctive line between hate and love.
a/n: felt inspired by everyone's support :) really was feeling like writing some suna stuff today! thanks for your continued support :) if you'd like me to write about a character you love, feel free to ask me! p.s. - even though ik kita would be graduated when you and atsumu, osamu and suna are third years but just pretend for the sake of the story aight ty
tw: heavily suggestive, cursing, enemies to lovers, underage drinking (party), no capitalization intentional
pt. 2
you don't even remember how you came to hate him. all that you know is the now -- the fact that he takes every opportunity to poke fun at you. only osamu probably knows the amount of photos suna has saved on his phone of you making embarrassing expressions. in that way it was ironic - he always seemed to capture the worst of you.
you'd had your fair share of acquaintances that you didn't necessarily enjoy being around, but because of a good friend, you endured their presence. suna was one of those acquaintances - bound to each other because of osamu (and atsumu, if you counted him as a friend). you wondered how someone as kind and (seemingly) a good judge of character could have a friend like suna, much less continue to make excuses for him whenever you both would exchange slights. you recalled the first time you met him: you'd felt a sharp poke in your back for the twelfth time that hour. sucking in a breath in an attempt at patience, you slowly turned around, unwittingly giving the brunette the attention he'd been veering for. "what do you want?" you seethed through gritted teeth, eyebrows furrowed in slight annoyance. a sly smile made its way onto suna's face, his hazel-green eyes pooling with mischief and something else you couldn't quite recognize. you raised your eyebrows, waiting for an answer, but you never received one. as your annoyance grew, he couldn't help the sharp exhale out of his nose, hardly containing his amused expression. you rolled your eyes, turning back to face the front of the classroom, thankful that your teacher's wrath wasn't another misery added on top of your already shitty day. from that day forward it seemed to be suna's goal to be as obnoxious as possible. you could feel his eyes boring into the back of your head through each lecture (you honestly wondered how he retained his excelled grades what with his wayward attention). to make matters worse, it seemed osamu's one true goal in life was to properly make you and the fox-eyed man friends. you understood his complaints of your arguing - you tried not to be selfish, understanding that osamu didn't like seeing his two close friends fighting... but why did he have to choose him as a friend? suna clearly lacked maturity, he didn't seem to consider osamu's feelings at all, unlike you, and routinely would flame the fire of your adversarial friendship with his quips and insults. "so, y/n, want to come over? i want you to try some of the new dishes i made," asked osamu. it was hard to resist the offer of free food, so without question, you quickly agreed. osamu's food was the best - you constantly heckled him to become a famous chef, boasting you'd be his number one customer. it was fun to imagine the future like that. - you returned to your home - a small apartment you'd rented - because you sought individuality and freedom as you finished high school (your parents forbade you from living alone your first and second year of high school, but that was probably for the best). you knew the way to the miya twin's house by heart now, but you wanted to give him a little time to prepare, as well as yourself. after the invitation, you'd promptly made the choice to prepare something special as well - a little alcohol you'd gotten stashed away that you'd received from your older brother prior to the news of you moving out and living on your own. since atsumu would almost certainly be home as well, you thought it'd be the perfect thing to bring in order to spice an average friday night up. at last you were just about ready when you considered actually texting the twins to ask who might all be coming to this "get together". sure, 'samu has invited you and you alone over plenty of times, but he also really sucked at giving the details that mattered. - y/n: is it just me coming to this? 'tsumu: nah, kita n the rest of the guys 'll be there n a few friends like kiyoomi y/n: why all the people??? 'tsumu: it's a party?? lmao leave it to 'sumu to give ya shitty details 'samu: stfu piss head 'tsumu: oi say that to my face ya ugly ass inbred mf 'samu: we're twins, dumbass. y/n: ...is suna coming? y/n: because if he's there idk if i wanna go 'samu, 'tsumu: no y/n: k good im bring alcohol - rolling your eyes at the twin's antics, you decided that a more appropriate outfit was in order. you'd been saving a cream-colored satin bodycon dress in your closet for a night like
this. it was ruched on either side of your thighs which a window in the back. it was perfect. after all, stupid 'tsumu made a point to mention that kita would be at this party. you'd been crushing on kita since osamu introduced you when he joined the volleyball team. you were immediately taken by his kind and patient personality. even though he wasn't seen as the star of the team, you still really admired him and found yourself falling for him more and more whenever you got to see his determination on the court. - you made your way to the miya's doorstep - it wasn't like the stereotypical party that the movies boasted of - there wasn't music blasting out of speakers, in fact, it was unusually silent. opening the door, however, you were met with the view of numerous boys all gathered together on the ground, laughing - noticing atsumu's voice (per usual) was the loudest. osamu turned his head at the creaking of the front door, an expression of recognition on his face as you made your way over to the group, "took you long enough, want some onigiri?" you obliged, placing the alcohol on the table, thankful no first years were present (or honestly anyone below your grade). you looked around at the group of guys, but your eyes landed on one in particular. in your attempt to not ruin the gathering, you leaned in to whisper into osamu's ear just as he opened his mouth to speak, "you told me she wouldn't be here." "you told me he wouldn't be here." you missed the little smirk that played on both the twin's lips as they exchanged an expression and osamu answered, "you wouldn't have come. besides, alcohol. not like you'll remember much after this." you hadn't truly considered how much suna truly hated you until you saw his glare pointed scathingly deep into osamu's eyes. you know that the both of you had your differences, but...you didn't hate him hate him. he just annoyed you a little. a lot. but a mysterious twang surfaced in your chest as you stared longer into suna's expression. suddenly alcohol sounded better than anything else. the first shot was rough, almost going down your windpipe, you sputtered a bit as the bitter liquid went down your throat. after that, though, you quickly lost count of the amount of alcohol you were consuming. the more you drank, the easier the burning drink went down your throat. but you didn't care. what mattered is that the drinks were slowly burning away that sickly feeling that had taken over your chest whenever you found your eyes trailing back to suna's. occasionally, you'd even make eye contact, but thankfully the tension made both of you look away. you didn't think you could face him right now anyway. as the night went on, however, your vision began to blur. you nearly tripped over your own feet twice, so you decided it was time to plop yourself down onto the couch, snuggling into the armrest. your eyes felt heavy, but you weren't tired at all. suddenly, you felt the armrest move a little. looking up through the dim lighting (it seemed someone had turned off some of the lights), you realized that your armrest was actually a person. it was osamu. "'samu?" there was a pause before he answered, "..yes?" you grinned, thankful your guess was right as you leaned closer, failing to notice your breasts were pushed up as you leaned further into your best friend. "does suna hate me?" there was another pause before he said, "why would he hate you?" you rolled your eyes, "you know, the whole 'm gonna make your life a perpetual embarrassment' ring a bell?" this time, his answer was quick, "no" "oh, come on! i swear i've complained to you 'bout this like tons of times," you hiccuped as your speech began to slur. there was a dark chuckle as the twin replied, "you're gonna have to be more specific than that, y/n." you squinted, your lip jutting out in a slight pout. it was weird, 'sumu never said "you", he said "ya", like his brother...well, no matter. suddenly, a smirk overtook your face as you adjusted your position, your thighs on either side of his, straddling him. you leaned in close to
his neck, just barely below the shell of his ear to whisper, "stop lying." - i'm an actual idiot, suna thought. here he was, pretending to be osamu, and now you're seated on top of him, ever so comfortably. he never thought you'd do something like this. now that you were here, though, straddling him, he couldn't move. not that he wanted to... but you were drunk. and what's more, you think he hates you.. you think he's osamu. hell, he must be at least a little tipsy, too, to try and play pretend - saying he was his best friend just so that you'd talk to him. it was pathetic. still, that didn't change the fact that he was stuck here with a hard-on, you on top of him. he could feel your breath tingling on his neck, so close he could barely breathe. he was pissed at osamu for his clever omission of your name in the roster of party guests, but in a weird way, suna almost wished that you'd be there. now, he wondered if he was getting what he deserved for hurting you like that. he didn't mean to at first.. he just thought he was flirting -- trying to make it obvious that he was already so deeply in love with you. but when you'd rolled your eyes at him, he felt a twinge of irritation. from there, he'd shaped your relationship into something of a bothersome pest and an annoyed exterminator. it was pretty clear from his first conversations with atumu and osamu that your relationship wasn't going in the direction that he wanted, but he didn't know how to change it. "sometimes i can't tell if ya flirting or fighting," quipped atsumu. osamu couldn't hold back the slight chuckle rising up his throat as he, at last, turned toward suna, "rin, listen, she's kinda annoyed at ya right now. she'll come around once she knows ya care about her." it didn't seem to work, nothing did. every chance suna made to try to patch up your relationship was met with a stubborn defense on your part. so, he gave up trying, and a part of him actually started to dislike you for it. for never giving him a chance to mend your... well, whatever this was. yet here he was, completely and utterly enamored with you. it wasn't hard for him to be reeled back into by your occasional sweet moments. he'd never forgotten the time you'd showed up with atsumu and osamu to celebrate his birthday (since his parents never really seemed to care, anyway). or the time you went with osamu to his house when he was sick - he never forgot the way your cold hands felt against his hot forehead or your soft whisper, "get well, rin". it seemed that you'd both made so much progress in your relationship only for him to say one thing that would shatter the act completely. he was so completely taken by you, nonetheless. suddenly, suna was taken out of his trance-like state by your busy hands. "kita, you're really... so kind.... and strong... and your body feels so nice..." within a blink of an eye, he was kita now? his jaw feathered a bit, watching your eyes dance with mirth as you gazed at him, a soft, yet cheeky smile on your face. he let out a soft groan as your hands grazed lightly over his chest, trailing down his pecks, then his abs, and slowly to... kita is a gentleman, he would've stopped you the moment you'd straddled him...but suna didn't have that kind of restraint, though he supposed it was torture enough with you touching him like this when you think he is kita. he tried to reason with himself - you were drunk, you didn't know what you were doing, if he tried to stop you, you'd probably cry and that'd be more of a pain. "ugh -- fuck..." suna groaned as you grazed your hands over his throbbing member through his pants. he was sweating bullets just trying to control himself enough to stop you. with strained maneuvers, he lightly grabbed your wrist, his eyes hazy and his cheeks flushed as he barely made out as soft, "s-stop it..." you held back the impish grin that was pulling at your lips as you proceeded to subtly lean your hips against his. "rin..." you sighed, "i.. hate you..." he breathed a heaving sigh as you continued, "i hate. that i want you..." suna felt
something in his chest just nearly snap... you never called him rin, much less rintarou, but when you did, god it drove him crazy. but he held back. for you, he would. he just prayed this wasn't a dream, but god if it was, he hoped he'd never wake up. this wasn't the first time he'd had a dream with you in it, but usually, you both had a lot less clothes on in those ones. and you both were sober. he blinked. fuck, he was in this deep. "y/n," suna began, just barely above a whisper, "you need to sleep." you whimpered a little, holding his head in your hands, "but 'm not tired rin... jus' wanna 'ave you..." suna gritted his teeth, but put your arm gently over his shoulder, thankful that it seemed 'samu was too drunk to make it back to his room so you could rest. placing you on the floor, he moved to get up, mainly to alleviate the tension he was feeling in his pants, but you grabbed his hand sighing a shy, "stay..?" how was he supposed to say no to you? so he obliged, despite the fact that he was fairly sure that he'd sobered up and was unbelievably uncomfortable in his nether regions. yet, contrary to his current state, both of you found yourselves asleep in each other's arms, suna's muscular arm loosely hanging over your arm, spooning you. - you awoke to what might possibly be the worst headache you've ever endured, yet surprisingly a lack of urge to puke. however, there was also something poking at your ass. your eyes widened (unfortunately taking in more of the obnoxiously bright light that was shining through the windows) as you realized that the warmth you felt was the source of another human body, a muscular arm draped over yours. steeling yourself to look over your shoulder, thankful it appeared both of your clothing were still on, horror and shock took over your body. a nearly screamed, instead letting out an alarmingly small squeak. the tired eyes of suna-fucking-rintarou flitted a little, but instead moaned and leaned closer to the heat and warmth of your body, still painfully unaware of the current situation. so, you proceeded to shake him a little, whisper-shouting, "suna! why are you sleeping next to me? what happened last night? AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A BONER?!" - mwahahaha! cliff-hanger >:) wanna see a pt. 2? lemme know!
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dirtyoatmeall · 3 years
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Mad Dogs (Kyotani x Reader)
A/N: soft kyotani is on my mind, luv that angry boy. anywayz I'm working on a long Osamu fic to satiate my burning desire for the onigiri man, it'll be out eventually so enjoy this for now :)
Pairing: Kyotani Kentaro x gn!reader
Word Count: ~1.6k
Warnings: None ! My run on sentences
~
Kyotani could count the times he was genuinely confused on one hand. The time he asked his sister if she was being such a bitch because she was on her period and she responded by threatening to push him down the stairs, the time in first-year when the teacher introduced moles during chemistry, and now, you.
Ever since the beginning of second-year, your actions have never failed to leave the spiker in a state of confusion. One day you sat next to him at lunch, smiling kindly before opening your bento, talking about your day while occasionally asking questions. He never answered them, and you just shrugged and continued on.
He didn’t speak to you for the first week, and when he did, he snapped at you, telling you to leave him alone. You just rolled your eyes and told him “Eat your lunch Kyotani-san, you’ll be less cranky afterwards.” (he did feel better, not that he’d ever tell you.) You’d even bring him food every once in a while, usually when he had a game (not that he ever played). Even when he told you that, you’d just shrug and smile softly, “You never know, so you better eat up, just in case.”
He even thought that Yahaba had possibly put you up to it, in some weird attempt to get him to be a better teammate, but when he brought it up to the setter he just looked at Kyotani oddly and asked, “(Y/N)? Is that the person with the earrings? I’ve never talked to them.” So you just apparently just decided one day to befriend him. (Wait, befriend? You’re not actually friends… are you?)
Another odd thing about you, your accessories. While Aoba Johsai is a private school, it is rather lax on its uniform policy. As long as you had some semblance of the uniform on, you were golden. It gave Kyotani the freedom to cut and dye his hair and wear eyeliner, and it gave you the freedom to wear your… earrings? He asked you about them one day, what they were.
You looked at him bemusedly, “Um, they’re earrings Kyo-san.” When he continued to look at you deadpan, you playfully rolled your eyes, “I was joking! I make them myself, see? Today I’m wearing my beetle ones, and I wore my frog ones yesterday! I just get plastic figures and…” He half-listened while you explained your process, but he found himself focusing on you and not your words. He took in the dopey smile on your face, the way your eyes brightened, and how your hands were more animated while talking about your interests. It was… cute. (Wait, cute? When did he think you were cute?) If you saw the slight blush on his face, you didn’t say anything, which he was thankful for.
After months of eating lunch together, and occasionally accompanying you to the train station, Kyotani found himself coming to the confounding conclusion, he liked you. And not in the ‘I tolerate you’ way. He liked you in the ‘almost got in a fight when someone made fun of your hobby’ way or the ‘I get this weird feeling in my chest when I’m not with you, but when I’m with you I get a weird feeling in my stomach’ way. He had no idea what to do, so he turned to one of the only other people he respected, putting his pride aside to ask for help.
“What did you just say?” His sister looked at him like he had just grown another head. He rolled his eyes, patience thinning. “I said, how do I ask someone out?” It took her a few moments to snap out of whatever daze she was in, a Grinch-like smile appearing (at least, that’s how It looked to him), and she leaned forward. “Aww, does Kenta have a crush? Why don’t you tell me about this mystery person and I’ll tell you the best way to ask ‘em out.” He grits his teeth as he begrudgingly obliged.
After a very painful conversation with his older sister that ended with a “Get them something they like, but not something obvious, something that would show you’ve not only listened, but retained what you know about them.” Kyotani grumbled at the memory, he can’t believe he had to go through all that just to be told something he already knows. He shook his head and got back to the task at hand. He looked at the shelf in front of him, pursing his lips as he contemplated on which one to buy. He thought back to what you’ve worn in the past and decided on one, grabbing two packs and going to the checkout.
It took him three days to do it. The first day he forgot them at home, the second day you had a club meeting, and yesterday he just couldn’t do it. He got in his own head and chickened out. But not today. Today as soon as you sat down next to him in the courtyard, in the shade of one of the many trees on campus, Kyotani thrust the packs toward you, refusing to make eye contact as his cheeks dusted pink. You eyed him warily, but took them nonetheless. When you opened them, you gasped softly.
“Kyo! You got these for me?” You took his silence for an answer and he was glad he glanced at your face at that moment. You had the dopiest smile on your face, eyes big and bright, filled with an emotion he knew all too well. His cheeks darkened and he moved his gaze to your earrings, giraffes. You clutched the packs of plastic figurines to your chest before placing them in your bag. He took the moment to take a deep breath, finally able to think with your eyes off of him. He nodded determinedly to himself and when you turned back around you were surprised to find him closer, gaze unwavering.
“(Y/N).” You raised an eyebrow, “That’s me.” He took another deep breath. (Why was this so hard?) “I like you.” Your cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink, to match his own, and your smile this time was softer, yet held more emotion behind it. You stared at him for a moment, and he tried, and failed, to not freak out. (Why weren’t you responding? Oh god did he make a mistake? He was going to kill his sister, why did he think she would have good advice she never dates any-) His spiralling thoughts were cut off by the feeling of soft lips on his cheek. It only lasted a moment, the spot you kissed burning as his gaze snapped to yours, finding your face much, much closer than before, noses almost touching.
You whispered his name, breath fanning across his face as he tried to keep his gaze level with yours, to not look at your lips. Though when your eyes flickered to his own his only thought was, fuck it. And so he closed the very short distance between you two, cupping your cheek gently as he kissed you. Your hand circled his wrist lightly as you reciprocated, tilting your head slightly, deepening the kiss. Your lips moved against each other a little messily at first, but quickly finding the right rhythm. You gripped his wrist a little tighter, moving to scoot closer, wanting to eliminate any and all space between you two when-
“MAD DOG-CHAN IS THAT YOU? OH MY GOD ARE YOU KISSING SOMEONE” You broke apart with a gasp, turning toward the noise to see four figures about fifteen feet away, when your eyes focused you could see they were the third-years from the volleyball team, Oikawa standing with his hands on his hips, wide grin ever-present. Kyotani growled, eyes focused on the third-years. You squeezed his wrist, turning your face to kiss his palm. He looked at you and you smiled. You took his hand from your face and intertwined it with your own before turning to the ones responsible for the interruption. You waved with a big smile and the third-years laughed and waved back before continuing on towards the school. You turned back to Kyotani, kissing him lightly again before pulling away, a playful smirk on your face. “Mad Dog-chan?” He groaned, hand not intertwined coming up to cover his face as you laughed.
BONUS---
Practice was just ending when you walked into the gym, having just finished your own club activities. You waved in greeting as you passed other players, wrapping your arms around your boyfriend as you pecked his lips, pulling away slightly with a smile. His arms wrapped around you as he pulled you closer, smiling softly. You pulled away fully after a few moments, allowing him to pack his bag. Oikawa came over while he was changing shoes, throwing an arm over your shoulder casually. “Ah (Y/N)-chan! I see you finally turned in your manager application! Don’t worry, it was mostly for formalities, not just anyone can calm down Mad Dog-chan like you- wait, what are those!” He gripped your shoulders as he manoeuvred you in front of him, looking intently just below your ear, you smiled mischievously. “Do you like them? I was inspired by your nickname for Kenta!” You cupped your earring gently as you showed Oikawa (and the other third-years who wandered over to see what earrings you had in today). They laughed as they took them in, dangling from your ears was a pair of blonde colored dogs, each with exaggerated eyebrows pulled down into a ‘v’ shape crudely drawn on, making the dogs look comically angry. “They’re mad dogs!”
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Asano/F!Darling: Unconventional Methods (VI)
TW: Noncon/dubcon, unhealthy power dynamic, unhealthy relationship, abuse of authority, spanking
____ didn't mind Asano's smaller outside assignments that much, especially compared to that first lesson. She knew when they would come since he only ever sent them during her breaks or outside of work hours, and having time to write a response was less stressful than being put on the spot and having to look at him. Still...Asano's questions and requests were enough to make her squirm in her seat even when they weren't sexual.
"How many partners have you had, including the ex-boyfriend you mentioned? Were you sexually active with them as well?"
"Have you always lived on your own? Do you ever feel a desire to live with someone or feel intense loneliness at home?"
"Have you ever had a near-death experience?"
"Send a photo of the toy you mentioned using. Describe its function and how often you use it each week."
"Was your family life turbulent growing up?"
"Have you ever been struck during a sexual encounter (eg. Slapping, spanking, scratching) or experienced pain (eg. hair-pulling, biting)? If so, describe the action and how you responded to it."
That last one made her feel especially worried. She'd never done anything rougher than maybe getting her hair pulled and being called a cute little slut by her ex whenever he'd talk dirty to her. And compared to Asano, a black belt who famously defeated his teacher on his third day of class, her ex wasn't much of a fighter.
____ sighed and tried to focus on the papers she was supposed to be grading in 1A's classroom while the instructor taught the students. Principal Asano was just trying to make her uncomfortable by asking her, and probably by making her wonder if he really was planning on hurting her like that during one of his lessons. Speaking of which...it had been one week since her third lesson. The last two weren't as sexual as the first, but they were just as stressful. The second lesson was almost like a regular lecture, aside from the fact that she'd been completely nude the entire time. Asano had given her a small stack of education and psychology textbooks for her to annotate and study in his office while he watched her. Any time she moved the book up or hunched over the small table he'd provided for her to hide her breasts, he'd told her to sit up straight and she reluctantly obeyed.
The third lesson had involved her "shadowing" him while he did his own work; thankfully she got to keep her clothes on for this one, but she spent the entire time in his lap. Occasionally his hands would wander between her thighs to ghost against her panties, and eventually she noticed how he was subtly rocking his hips every so often while a slight bulge nudged her backside. It didn't seem to faze him in the slightest though; whenever he'd show her one of the documents he was working on or made a phonecall, his voice didn't seem tense or strained at all while she sat in his lap.
She understood why he needed to make her so uncomfortable, and he'd patiently explained to her more than once that her personal inexperience was why so many of these lessons were sexual--you're least comfortable when trying something new. But it still felt so wrong to do things like this, even if her boss explicitly said it was okay. Is that why she didn't want to ask any of her coworkers for advice or whether they thought this was an appropriate teaching method? Asano hadn't ever said to keep it secret, after all. Still...she'd have to admit that she and Asano had done all of these things together--on campus, in his office! Even if it was to make her a better teacher--and even if the other faculty members believed that--she could never look them in the eye ever again. ____'s face flushed with heat and she hurriedly made her way down the hall to Asano's office; maybe after this lesson she could ask him if she should discuss his program with any of the other teachers.
____ knocked at Asano's door and waited for him to reply. "Come in." Immediately she stepped inside, closed the door, and locked it from the inside; now that she'd had multiple lessons in his office, she had learned the routine for the start of his lessons. Asano was at his desk and peering at the documents in his hand. "Sit." He hadn't even looked up from his papers.
____ eagerly walked to the chair in front of his desk and sat with her legs crossed. "Um, sir," she began, "Before we start, I wanted to--"
"We've already started today's lesson," Asano interrupted, his voice soft but firm and commanding as ever. "Once we've finished, you can talk to me about your concerns."
____ pressed her lips together in a line and tried not to sound too bothered by him dismissing her so quickly. "What will today's lesson involve?" She prayed over and over in her mind: nothing sexual, nothing sexual, nothing sexual...
Asano finally glanced up from his papers to look her over, and ____ tried her best not to meet his gaze. "I want to see how well you've studied the books I lent to you," he said. "Nothing too exhaustive, just a cursory review with an oral quiz." He moved his seat back and rested his arms on either side of the chair. "Put yourself on my lap, facing down on your stomach."
____ hesitantly rose up and moved around the desk to lay down the way Asano had ordered. The arms of the chair pushed against her chest and upper thighs, but not enough to be anything more than mildly cumbersome. She flinched slightly when she felt his hand move to pull up the bottom of her skirt and expose her rear end to the cool air of his office. "S-sir?"
Asano moved one hand to rest over her back while the other cupped the soft flesh of her backside. "For every question you're unable to answer, you'll get a penalty." He squeezed her ass gently and felt ____ squirm as he toyed with her. "I'll guide you to a proper answer until you manage to discover it for yourself. First: Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences is not a theory applied to most schools in Japan. Tell me why you think that is."
____ shifted in her seat. Were all the questions going to be this open-ended? "Ah...L-let me see," she murmured. It was difficult to think straight when you were upside down and your boss was groping your ass. "Well, Gardner's theory is...u-um, it comes from a Western perspective of intelligence? Kunugigaoka's teaching methods are based heavily off of, of collectivism and group efforts being important. So it may not be applicable here?"
Asano pursed his lips. "Is collectivism solely an Eastern value? Not to mention, you're forgetting one of the cornerstones of our teaching methods is behaviorism--a concept theorized in Europe and the United States."
"Oh. That's true," ____ admitted. "I'm sorry, Asano-sa--"
A sudden smack against her ass startled her followed by a stinging pain made her tear up immediately. She'd never been hit this hard before, and she immediately felt a lump in her throat as she started to cry. "Apologize by considering a better answer," Asano said coldly. "Think carefully about how Gardner's theory contrasts with different policies and standards in Japan."
____ sniffled and cried as he had spoken, and continued to after he'd told her to try again. 'I...u-um, let me...I...A-Asano-san, I..." She tried to think about the question, she really did. "I've never been spanked before, th-this really hurts..."
Asano gently rubbed the place he'd struck her and she let out a small whine; even him comforting her hurt. "It's a new experience, and an effective one," he said. "You're more likely to remember and retain what I say with a physical trigger." He squeezed her ass and felt her squirm again. "Try again."
____ bit the inside of her cheek and tried to ignore the sting and the heat coming from her skin. "Um. Gardner's theories...they imply that each type of intelligence is...a student with one strength does better with a different type of learning method, and a student with a different one would do better with an-another one," she rambled. "But school exams only test the ability to retain a-and apply information. A...a student with high kinetic intelligence, they might struggle on a written exam be-because it tests a different set of skills. R-right?" She looked up at Asano as best as she could for a sign that she had given the right answer.
Asano smiled and tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear. "A much better answer," he confirmed. "A school setting emphasizes and values different types of intelligence over others, and so does society as a whole." Asano squeezed and played with her upper thigh, and ____ felt his fingers coming closer and closer to between her legs until he was pressing against her clothed slit. "At Kunugigaoka however, I've tried to incorporate the needs of students who aren't gifted with the natural intelligence that exams cover. Even if a student's resistant to conventional teaching and study methods, I've found that a forceful approach can work through that rigidity." He smirked and felt ____ squeeze her thighs around his hand as a he played with her clit. "Next question."
____ tried to gather her thoughts as best as she could while being toyed with over Asano's knee. Shouldn't she be answering these questions while NOT being so distracted? How is she supposed to give a proper response when he's touching her and groping her like this? "S-sir, I understand the purpose of being spanked--um, struck? Learning with a physical trigger. But it's distracting me and I can't focus on what I've studied..."
Asano nodded and slipped some of his fingers past her underwear, pulling them down to press directly against her cunt. She gasped through her nose and felt a wave of shame after she felt her body clench around his fingertips. "That's the point," Asano explained patiently. "If you've studied properly then you should be able to recall information easily, even under stress." He could feel a small bit of lubrication around her entrance making it easier to slip the tip of his middle finger inside. "You did study, didn't you?"
"Y-yes," ____ insisted. "I just didn't think it would be this...ah, this..." She trailed off and whimpered at the feeling of his finger rubbing against a sensitive spot; she didn't even realize that she had started to rock her hips back and forth in time with his hand. "Sir, please!"
Asano narrowed his eyes at ____ as he continued to play with her with one hand. He knew she wasn't experienced with this kind of stimulation, but that wasn't any excuse to act so childishly. "Please? Please do what? I can't stop just because you're uncomfortable, you know that. Now, for the next question. The study conducted on adolescents aged 12 and 13 is referenced often in chapter 3 of the textbook on memory I sent you. The two students in the study failed to keep up with the lessons during the experiment and suffered nervous breakdowns from the strain of the coursework. Why do the authors frame this as something positive?"
____ tried to remember the article he was asking about, but her thoughts were clouded and scattered as she felt a creeping feeling of pleasure and tension in her core. What was that article about? Not memory, that was the one in chapter 2...No, it was about the correlation between classroom size, curriculum density, and...and short class periods? "Ah...The students who had breakdowns," she started, not even sure of what she was trying to say. "The authors theorized it was b-because the intensity of the material being covered and the short--ooh...short class periods. U-um, the teaching method focused on parallel thinking and had them all studying multiple things at the same t-time, and the two students couldn't take...couldn't take it anymore..."
____ let out a frustrated groan and tried to move her hips away from Asano's hand. "Please, I can't," she insisted. "I can't do both at the same time, I can't think when you--"
Asano pulled her hips back into place and quickly covered her mouth with one hand before slapping her ass again. She screamed and started to sob against the palm keeping her somewhat quiet. "You aren't answering the question, you're re-stating it," he said irritably. "Not only that, but you're interrupting the lesson by moving away like that." He raised his hand again and ____ instinctively tried to move out of the way and tried to reach up and block him from hitting her; his eyes darkened and in one swift movement, he pushed her over against the desk and gripped her wrists behind her back while keeping his other hand on her mouth.
"You've disrupted my lesson twice now," he said icily. "If you're so eager to act like an unruly child and throw a tantrum, I'm more than happy to put it on hold to correct this." He dug his nails into the flesh of her wrists and she screamed again. "I'm going to let go of your wrists, and you're going to keep your hands on this desk until I tell you to put then behind your back. Do you understand?"
____ clenched her fists and tried her best to nod while her head was turned to the side against his desk while she continued to cry. This already hurt so much, and she couldn't imagine what he'd do if she tried to run out of the room or fight back. "Mm...Mhh-mm." She sniffled and choked back some of her sobs to try and respond. Asano, true to his word, let go of her wrists and she immediately placed them on the edge of the desk. Her knuckles lightened as she gripped the wood as hard as possible, and the ache of her hands distracted her from the sting of her lower thighs and the strain on her neck and upper body being pressed against his desk.
After a few seconds, she felt his hand take one of her wrists; a strip of cloth was in his hand, and she felt it brush against her own skin. "Behind your back," he ordered. ____ complied and put her hands together again. She felt the silk of Asano's tie wrap around her and tighten until it was firmly keeping her wrists bound. He took her by the crook of her arm and moved his other hand to let her breathe more easily through her nose while he kept her mouth covered. "Back in the chair."
Soon she was back in his lap, though this time her hands were in an uncomfortable raised position thanks to his necktie. "Obviously you're not able to continue with the quiz I had in mind today," Asano said, sighing in disappointment. "Still, I'm not going to cut our lesson short just because of your outburst." ____ felt a few more tears well up at just how upset and disappointed he sounded in her. She didn't want to be a brat. She didn't want to disrupt his lesson, but she just couldn't think straight. "Instead, we'll be reviewing something much more elementary to match your attitude." Her heart sank as she felt his hand rest on the curve of her ass again. "The two of us are going to count. I think that ten should be high enough."
____ caught a glimpse of his hand as he raised it up and bit her lower lip to try and steel herself before he spanked her again. The harsh slap of skin against skin followed by a new rush of aching pain left her sobbing pathetically underneath him. His voice was soft and eerily cheery as he brushed a few fingers over where he'd hit her. "One."
Slap. "Two."
Slap. "Three."
____ heard the rush of blood roaring in her ears until she could hear nothing else, not even the spankings or her own crying. It sounded so far away, just like Asano's voice. "Four...five..."
The breaks in between each spanking grew longer and longer, and Asano could hear her wails become less and less loud and obnoxious until they died down to short whimpers after each slap. Her lips were slightly parted behind his hand, but she wasn't pouting and wincing anymore; it seemed that she'd spent all of her energy and her tantrum had finally subsided. He peered down at her slightly-tilted head and noted the glazed-over look in her visibly reddened eyes as she stared off into space. Dissociation was a common side effect when it came to his students, a clear sign that they were at their limit and--even better--their minds were much easier to mould now that their subconscious was preoccupied elsewhere. For ____ in particular, it was a key step in training her. Right now she had learned she couldn't resist him, and with the right positive and negative reinforcement she'd learn to love his guiding hand.
"Six." Smack.
"Mm..."
"Seven." Smack.
"Mmm."
An impulsive part of him, specifically the part responsible for the slight tent in his pants as he watched her stare blankly and become more and more compliant and complacent with each strike. She clearly wasn't cut out to teach, not with how well she fit in his lap and how satisfying it was to hear her soft moans. He imagined how much better it would be to see her transition from resistant and defiant, to blank and defeated, and finally to eager and adoring once he'd finally finished grooming her into his ideal "protégé."
"Eight...Nine...Ten."
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A Crown to Adorn
Starting off #sokaiweek2021 with a fluffy one-shot! 
Wrote a little fluffy one-shot for Day 1 of @sokaiweek Prompt: King and Queen. Childhood memories for #sokai and a cute flower date! A time of healing and reminiscence, adorned with flowers fit for a King and Queen.
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A03:   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32511775 
Fanfiction. net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13918369/1/A-Crown-to-Adorn
A Crown to Adorn
*.*.*.*
“Wear a crown of flowers on your head, let its roots reach your heart.” – Kabir
*.*.*.*
The smell of the grass, the warmth of the sun on their faces, and the slight scent of honeysuckle wafting through the canopy above was the perfect complement to an otherwise ordinary day. Ordinary, that word seemed to slip into her mind with a lithe bump, nestling into her heart but leaving behind a tinge of anxiety. Was it good to cherish something even if you knew it wouldn’t last? Those words danced within her mind as warm rays of light kissed her cheeks.
Living in the moment. Cherishing those small moments of reprieve-sometimes Kairi had to keep reminding herself to do that. Whether it be taking in deep breaths of the salty air or cherishing the soft sensation of sand squished between her toes- those small insignificant moments she needed to hold close. The way the wind hit her face as Sora and Riku rushed past her in one of their many races or the sensation of cold droplets hitting her face during one of their many water fights. Those moments, they would rush back at her all at once during those times she was alone, listless, and longing for their company.
Somehow, Kairi knew that today would be one of those many moments she held close to her heart. She took in a deep breath, savoring the crisp air hitting her lungs.
The Kingdom of Corona was as beautiful as Sora had claimed it would be. Filled with flora and fauna, clean air, and warm bathes in sunshine. Even the few heartless around were, she had to admit, cute in their own way. Made her almost sad to pummel them, but once she found herself attacking in unison alongside Sora- every thought she had just melted away. He always seemed to do that, make her feel as if she could do anything, be anything. It sounded silly but- his light made hers stronger somehow. It radiated within her a warmth that felt so comforting she never wanted it to leave.  
After clearing the area, they had decided to take a quick swim in the spring nearby and were now sunning themselves like a couple of lizards on the forest floor. They had taken off their shoes and fully let themselves relax for what felt like an eternity. Peaceful, it was so peaceful that Kairi felt she could fall into a sleep here without a care in the world.  
“I’m glad you brought me here. It’s so pretty.” Kairi turned to Sora, her eyes welling with shimmering light. After hours of training, Sora had dropped by unannounced, unattended by the other two little half-pints, to whisk her away for a “well-deserved break” as he put it. At the time he had a shy grin on his face, letting her know that really, he had just wanted to see her. Not that she minded. She wanted to see him too.
“I had to! I mean you love flowers and well the beach back home isn’t as green as this. Heck, I hadn’t even seen some of the plants here before. It’s really something- all those worlds we wanted to see- just there’s always something new.” Sora blurted out, his excitement burgeoning behind an uncontrollable grin. He rubbed the back of his neck and leaned forward. “Sorry, I’m getting a bit too excited. I’ve been wanting to show you all these new things for so long. Every time I see something I think, “Kairi and Riku need to see this!”
Kairi giggled. Sora did seem to be holding in boundless energy every time she saw him. “I want to see it all with you. I mean, we always wanted to travel and learn everything we could. Even just seeing this world makes me want to go to all kinds of places with you- and Riku too…” Kairi tucked a stray piece of hair from her face. She felt almost embarrassed to say anything more- to tell him that really, she wanted to just run away with him right now. Leave it all behind. But that would be selfish, wouldn’t it? They had to face Xehanort. Even if that meant risking their lives. Still, that incredible wanderlust creaked within her bones. Even now her heart began to beat faster at the thought of Sora whisking her away to world after world. She could just picture it-brisk walks on stardust touched beaches, huddling close in frigid snow-kissed air, or dancing on the tips of their toes across warm cobblestones-
Everything. Just experience it all-together- hand in hand in a world all their own.
Kairi felt something lightly fall on her head. A light gasp escaped her lips at the sensation. It tickled her eyelashes as she looked up to greet Sora’s impish grin. Her hand reached up to touch the delicate petals of a ring of flowers he had placed on her head. Her eyes widened. “When did you…”
“Oh just while you were humming to yourself earlier. Did I do a good job? I mean I’m not as good at connecting them together as you…but I did have a good teacher.” Sora winked.
Tears pricked the edges of her eyes. When they were children, Kairi often spent her time near the shore picking small wildflowers and clover. One of the few things she remembered about her grandmother was her love of flowers and the way she used to weave together flower crowns. It used to make her feel like she was almost home again, weaving the flowers together, creating something from nothing. It was cathartic. For hours she would lose herself in the action- maybe that was why piecing shells together also soon became second nature. Once, Sora sat down next to her, and watched intently as she connected each stem of clover flower without asking any questions. When she was done, he told her how pretty it was and how “he wanted one too.”
For a few days after school, they would go down to the shore, make flower crowns, and pretend they were a King and Queen of the flower people. Well, the last part was entirely Sora’s idea. When she thought back on it- Kairi wondered if Sora did that to help her feel better about being homesick. She had missed her grandmother so badly back then. Every day she felt so alone. But then…Sora was there. And Riku…and the three of them found new things to do together.
Back then, Kairi hadn’t paid a second thought to the idea that most boys wouldn’t find what she was doing that interesting. Thinking about it now, Sora probably only said he wanted one too so she wouldn’t feel lonely- after all…she wasn’t the fastest runner or could hold her own at the time in a mock sword fight. What she was good at was making things, connecting flowers, shells, and bits of shattered sea glass into stars shapes or crowns. Her room back home was filled with makeshift stars, unfinished and marred imitations of the charm Sora now held close as an oath to her. Her childish fantasies of an unbreakable connection, made real and whole through a brush of their fingers as she passed the charm to him. Her fingertips warmed as she recalled his touch.
Now, with the newly coronated flower crown atop her reddened locks-Kairi felt that same bubbling joy well up inside her.
Kairi couldn’t believe Sora had still remembered that time or well had even retained his “flower-tying skills” as he used to call it. Sora had remembered a time that even she had pushed back deep into the depths of her heart. “I think that you retained some skill.” Kairi puffed out her chest. “But I think I’m still the master. So, I’m going to work my magic! It’s only fair that you have one to match.”
Sora chuckled and placed both hands behind his head. “Well, I guess we’re off flower picking then huh?” His hips swayed from side to side, his legs acting listless as if they hadn’t moved in hours.
Kairi bounced up on her heels, feeling a renewed vigor in her veins. “Yep! Lead the way, King!”
“King?” Sora’s jaw slacked. “Gosh, when you say it like that it only reminds me of “the King.”
Kairi lightly patted Sora on the shoulder. “Now, now.” Kairi chided. “There can be more than one King and Kings of different things. He may be “the King” but you- you’re my Flower King right?” An impish grin filled her cheeks. Sora blinked a few times before averting his eyes. She could swear a tinge of red was on the tips of his ears.
“Geez flower King? Don’t tell Riku, or Donald or Goofy- I’ll never live that down.”
“But I’m the flower Queen- we have to match!”  Kairi pointed an accusatory finger at him. Sora jumped back a beat, his deep blue eyes tinged with uncertainty. Soon, his eyes swirled with glimmering sunshine, his smile so subtle she found herself itching to gently brush her fingers across his lips. Her cheeks heated at the thought.
“Okay, I mean if you are I have to be then.” Sora put a hand over his mouth to muffle a laugh. Though clearly uncomfortable, there was a hint of joy in those words. Poking fun at him like this was almost too nostalgic. With ease, she slid her hand into his and gave it a tight squeeze. He recoiled slightly before sheepishly squeezing her hand back. His eyes wouldn’t meet hers, but she knew- he was just a tad shy still.
Hand in hand they traversed the woods searching for violet, azure, and fuchsia hues. Their still bare feet brushing against rough patches of dirt and slick grass, staining their toes a light green as they went. The morning dew, still kissing the tips of their hair, kept them cool against the ever-rising sun. Every flower they came across seemed more beautiful than the rest- they gathered until they were spilling out onto the ground beneath them. Sora sneezed a few times, sending them flying much more than he would have liked. The air filled with laughter as they collected them all again, each time regretting having over-prepared their bounty.
They returned to the clearing in no time at all-and she set about her work. Connecting the flowers together wasn’t hard- but choosing which flowers suited Sora best- well that took some thinking. Baby’s breath, delicate and kind, hydrangeas as blue and calming as the sea, red carnations brandishing the passionate courage in his heart, and yellow calla lilies to represent his happy disposition. When she was done- it was a crown only befitting him. When she held it up against the light, the shadows cast across her face danced- truly she could think of it as her best work yet. Smirking and a bit too proud, Kairi stood up and delicately laid the crown atop her “King’s” head.
“I, Flower Queen Kairi dub thee- Sora- Flower King.” In a grand bow, Kairi placed a hand over her heart, glancing up at him with mischief and mirth.
Sora’s wide toothy grin greeted her. “It’s an honor!” He paused, searching his mind before snapping his fingers in the realization of something important. “Does it look Kingly?”
“I think it suits you, just as mine suits me.” Kairi spun on her heels, dancing as she delicately brushed the petals she adorned. She gave Sora a taunting wink as she thrust out her hand. “I’d say a dance is in order, sire.”
A deep laugh escaped his chest as Sora jumped up to grab her hand and pull her close. Their eyes connected as if a thread between them became taught, sure, and certain that the entire world around them could just melt away into nothing, and it would all be alright. One step, then two, a sway and a swish, he even threw in a twirl or two as they danced to the bubbling brook and twilling birds. The melody in their hearts flowed and swirled at a tempo that pulled her into a sense of weightlessness. The countless times she dreamed of the two of them, blissfully dancing, suddenly made it real.
It was real, him, her, this moment. It was a sensation, a scent, a feeling she wanted to bottle up and keep close- like an herbarium filled with preserved flowers. Bright, opulent, and ever so warm. As their dance slowed, and her heart settled, Kairi leaned her head on Sora’s shoulder, letting herself melt into his rising chest. It was then Kairi knew that home wasn’t ever far anymore. That homesickness had long flitted away like petals in the wind once she let Sora into her heart. Now, every time she thought of their memories, these moments, the rise and fall of his chest, his heartbeat…Kairi knew somehow she was always closer to home.
 Years Before
*.*.*.*
The bluff at the edge of town was filled with clover flowers. Though she had been warned with a stern shake of the mayor’s finger, and a disapproving huff or two from the town elders, Kairi always found herself foraging for flowers here. The wind blowing through her hair, and the misty salt air gently caressing her chubby cheeks made her feel more at home here than anywhere else on the island.  In the afternoon quiet, only the rumbling low roar of the waves had been keeping her company. Lightly and carefully, she hummed a melody as she worked, losing herself in knot after knot.
*.*.*.*
“What do you think she’s doing?” Sora muttered in a hushed tone, trying to keep his usually loud voice as quiet as possible. He was huddled on his haunches behind a large hedge, practically wiggling to keep himself from falling over. He and Riku had followed Kairi from a distance like two ducks up the winding hillside. When they had seen her leaving the Mayor’s house she had been stomping and letting out a long-winded sigh or two. Riku had said that she was “probably angry” and that it mostly had to do with her going off alone. Sora, being extremely curious about Kairi ever since she had arrived on the beach, had never not kept watch over her. So, Riku being Riku had suggested they follow her, knowing well that Sora would have found himself trailing after her absentmindedly.
Riku let out a sigh and shook his head. “She’s going to make something again. The last time she came back down from here she had a crown of flowers in her hands. That’s probably what she plans on doing.”
“Hmm, that seems more lonely than fun. She’s all by herself.” Sora pursed his lips, his nose scrunching up. He crossed his arms and readjusted his drooping bum with a light hop. “Seems like it’d be better to do with more people.”
Riku raised a brow, then smirked as he realized something important. “You know, if you want to join her nothing’s stopping you. We can go back to the play island any old time.”
“But it feels like if I go over now, I’d be like- I don’t know- I’d um make her mad…”
“Mad?”
“You always say I talk too much. Kairi seems a bit scared when I do that.” Sora looked down at his fidgeting toes. “Still, I think she’s lonely.”
“She just doesn’t know much about us yet. And well you do talk a lot. My dad says sometimes though that just being near someone without saying anything is enough.” Riku crossed his arms, and nodded, certain his father’s words were true.
“Really Riku?”
“Yeah, Really.” Riku put a hand on Sora’s head and gave his hair a quick ruffle. “Now, no more waiting!” Riku placed both hands on Sora’s back and pushed him forward- not even worried if he would fall over on his face. Usually, he did, and Sora had to brace himself for a fall that didn’t come. Instead, he found himself balancing on one foot and staring into the wide cerulean eyes of a frightened girl.
*.*.*.*
When a rustling bounded behind her Kairi gasped and found herself on her feet, her hands clutched close to her chest. A familiar head of spikes was what first caught her eyes, then the twigs and leaves sticking out every-which-way, followed by the shy grin of a boy caught doing something he shouldn’t.
“Geez, Sora! You scared me!” Kairi tucked her hair behind her ear as if she were suddenly aware of her own messy mop.
“Sorry, Kairi! Me and Riku were just…” Sora paused to look behind him. Not a soul was in sight. “Aw man, where’d he go? We were just talking about…ugh never mind.” Sora stood up straight and puffed out his chest as he shook the stray twigs and leaves from his head. Once he was done, he placed both hands behind his head. “So…what-cha doing?”
“Making flower crowns…” Kairi mumbled under her breath, feeling herself carefully enunciate each word. Sora was nice, after all, he was the one who found her on the beach that day. But a part of her felt scared, nervous, and a bit rumbly in her tummy when she talked to him. He was always so bright, and his grin was wider than his face. Kairi didn’t know how to be around him. Kairi turned her back to him and smoothed the ends of her dress.
“Okay.” Sora uttered. He continued to stare at her, unmoved until she decided to sit back down among her work. As she picked more flowers, she began to take more glances over at Sora. He watched her intently, swaying from side to side on the edges of his sandals. He stayed that way for a beat then promptly plopped down next to her. Kairi’s breath hitched in her throat at the sudden invasion in her little bubble. But Sora didn’t say anything, although his face was twisted into an unnatural frown, alerting her he really did want to say something.
Kairi tried her best to get back to her crown, but she fumbled with shaky fingers as she tied the tiny stems together. Her lips moved into a fine line, her teeth biting down into the corners of her cheeks. Again, soon she became lost in the motions, not even noticing Sora get up and go look around. Moments later he dropped back down next to her, this time, with a handful of clovers.
“It’s really pretty.” Sora blurted out. His eyes were wide, expectant.
A shivering jolt went through her back, and Kairi shyly looked back down at her completed crown. He said it was pretty, what she made. A slight hint of pride wafted through her chest. “Thanks…”
“I-I want one too!” Sora’s voice was louder than he intended, for Kairi almost fell back at the sudden noise. She made sure to quickly put on a smile for the boy looked almost as if he would cry if he knew she was scared.
“Okay, I’ll teach you.” Kairi found a new strength in her voice. She was more confident now. A voice inside her heart, but from where she didn’t know, whispered caressing words.
Whenever you feel lonely, look to the flowers. Surround yourself with them, let them take root in your heart. Every moment may seem small, but you can make them bigger and more beautiful. For those moments when you’re alone, the flowers will remind you of me and of those who love you. That light in your heart will continue to bloom and grow, as long as you let it. Adorn your head with a crown of flowers, my dear. Adorn the head of the one you love. Find that light, never lose sight of it.
  Notes:
Thank you for reading! This fic was inspired by the prompt King and Queen for SoKai Week 2021. Visiting Sora and Kairi's childhood and what they meant to each other during that time was pure joy. I hope that this little bundle of fluff reminds you of the wonder of picking flowers as a child, and how even the smallest acts of kindness can mean the world to someone else. I tried to add in some of Sora's flowers from his herbarium by super groupies as well as flowers that spoke to his personality. Fun fact: Clover flowers were something that I would gather when I was a child, and luckily they do grow at least in Hawaii at high elevations, so it's possible they could be on the mainland in Destiny Islands!
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pinapple-qween · 4 years
Text
Too Good to be True
Relationship: Batfam x Reader, Tim Drake x Reader
Summary: hey, i saw that you take requests and thought could you maybe (only when you feel like it, no pressure or something) write something sad where reader is good friends with the Batkids maybe is in tims age (and in love with him) but one day she is not with them anymore like she lost her scholarship on Gotham Academy but didn’t tell anybody because she doesn’t want to bother them because they always habe their batstuff to do ?
Key: Y/N= your name, L/N= your last name, italics= phone text
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“Tim, hey!” You adjusted the backpack on your back and ran across the quad to your best friend Tim Drake. 
“Y/N, what’s up?”
“I need your help,” you watched as Tim began to groan. “Before you ‘uughh’ you promised you’d help me with your super research skills for my super boring research paper.”
“Oh yeah, I did.” You watched as Tim’s face fell and you knew right away he was going to come up with an excuse. “I would love to-”
“But,” you interrupted, “you have to ‘work’ with your family tonight. Again.” You shook your head and laughed to yourself. It wasn’t unusual for Tim to have to excuse himself from hanging out with you to be with his family. Well, you knew what he did at night.
“I’m really, really sorry. I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Tim wrapped his arm around you and gave you a side hug. The touch made your heart flutter, but you forced yourself to not react.
“Yeah, yeah,” you pulled away and started backwards walking in front of him, “how about you buy me lunch and we’ll see if that fixes things.”
Tim chuckled, “Okay, but Damian’s gonna be joining us.”
“Yes! Damian is hilarious!”
“Damian would kill you if you said that to his face.”
You sat at your desk after school and stared at a blank computer screen. The cursor flashed, awaiting your words, and all you could do was spin your pen in your fingers. You sighed and closed out the window. Maybe if you took a break, you’d come back with fresh eyes.
You pulled up Twitter and scrolled through your feed. It wasn’t all too exciting, but then you pulled up the “Batman” tag and scrolled through its recent posts.
Just saw Red Robin on Killer Croc’s back riding him like a bull #onlyingotham #batman
You laughed at the image of Tim being bucked around on Croc’s back that formed in your head. You saw a couple similar posts and then some talking about spotting Dick and Damian before you closed out the tab.
It wasn’t that you were jealous of Tim, you thought it was amazing that he was a superhero, but it was frustrating that he never had time to hang out with you anymore. You used to go over to Wayne Manor every day after school to do homework with Tim and you loved it. Wayne Manor was always full of life with all of his brother. All of whom had taken to you and basically claimed you as a sister. Recently, however, Tim and his brothers were busier than ever and he didn’t tell you why, beyond “Bat things”. 
You pulled up your blank research report and began to write.
“Miss L/N, I need you to stay after class.” Your teacher caught you just before you left the classroom. You groan internally and turned around to face him.
“Yes, Mr. Toffer?” 
He gestured to the desk in front of his and you sat across from him. After you sat down, he handed you your paper. 
“A ‘C’?” You couldn’t believe it. 
“Yes Miss L/N, a ‘C’. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you are in danger of losing your scholarship. If you keep slipping in my class, the board will have no choice but to pull it.” He said it all so matter of fact-ly, but his eyes gave him away. You saw the sadness and the slight regret as he told you about this.
“Is-is there anything I can do? Could I rewrite this paper? Or do extra credit?”
“You know my extra credit policy. It would be disingenuous to the other students I have to give you what I don’t extend to them.” You could feel the disappointment burrow onto your face. “All I can say is you need to study hard for the upcoming final and if you get anything less than a 90%, your scholarship will be revoked.” 
You walked out that room dazed. You couldn’t believe you were in danger of losing your scholarship. Your mom was so proud of you for getting into Gotham Academy, especially on academic scholarship. You couldn’t bare to think about telling her you might lose it.
While mulling this over, you literally ran into Tim. “Woah there! Y/N, you good?”
“Uh, yeah. Just a little distracted,” you put on a smile and looked up at Tim. “Homework party tonight?”
“I’d love to, but...”
You sighed, “Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“Oh yeah, by the way, Dick wants to know if you still had his CD player. He needs it for sometime that I wasn’t paying attention to.”
You perked up, “I can bring it over sometime this week?”
“Nah, if you just bring it here, I’ll take it home after school.” He obviously didn’t see how much that hurt to hear, but you just nodded and the two of you walked the halls till you got to your next class.
One last night before your test and studying was getting you nowhere. You couldn’t focus. You were so afraid of failing this test, of losing your scholarship, and the fact that you seemed to be losing Tim. You looked at you phone and thought about texting him, even though you knew fully well that he was on patrol.
Hey, Tim. We good?
You sent it with no expectation of a response, but you needed to get at least one thing off your chest tonight. You set down your phone and looked back at your textbook, hoping to actually retain some information. You barely read one paragraph before you saw your phone light up.
Yeah! Why? Is something up?
You were shocked to see it was from Tim. You were so unprepared to get a response you didn’t know how to respond.
No! Nothing. Just wondering if Damian knew I called him hilarious and was getting back at me through keeping you busy.
You knew that wasn’t the truth, but you couldn’t tell him that it was because you thought he didn’t like you anymore. That you thought his family didn’t want to see you again.
Haha, no Damian still likes you, which is an amazing feat
I gotta go, Joker ou t, t al k l8r
And with that you knew he was gone. You turned back to your textbook, but you knew there was no way you’d be able to focus.
The next time you looked at your phone, it was 6 am and you hadn’t slept all night.
The next week flew by. Tim started ditching you at school, not just after. That made it easier when you got a 88% on your final and you had to meet with the board about your scholarship. They confirmed what Mr. Toffer had told you and revoked your scholarship. They politely informed you that you would not be returning the next semester.
You couldn’t face any of your friends. You closed yourself off, started finding all kinds of ways to avoid Tim and Damian, and waited out the end of the semester. 
As you walked out on your last day, you decided to pretend Gotham Academy was a dream. A wonderful dream. You walked away, ready to forget Tim and your feelings. You knew it all had to be too good to be true.
---------------------------------------------------
The winter break came and went. Tim walked into the Gotham Academy quad, Damian hot on his heels.
“Drake! You have yet to tell me why Y/N didn’t come over during our break.” Damian demanded as he finally caught up. 
Tim didn’t want to respond, mostly because he didn’t even know. He waited all break to get a message from you, but it never came. It didn’t help the Mr. Freeze was incredibly problematic for most of the break and Tim was a little too distracted.
“She was probably busy Damian. Don’t worry, you’ll see her today I’m sure.”
“It’s already been ten minutes past eight, she’s never this late.”
Damian was right, Y/N was never late to meet them. “Damian, please. I have to get to homeroom. I’ll text you the moment I see her okay?” Tim looked Damian in the eyes as he said this, to reassure him that he was being honest.
“Tt-tt, okay. I will see you at lunch.” Damian walked off towards his class.
Tim nodded, then his head shot up after, “Wait what.”
The end of the school day came and went. Tim never saw you once. Damian approached him as they waited for Alfred to pick them up. Tim was grateful for the 31 seconds of peace before Damian spoke.
“You never saw Y/N today, did you?”
It wasn’t accusatory. Damian actually sounded...sad. Tim didn’t know how to react at first. He opened his mouth and closed it a couple times, looking for the words. Eventually, he just said, “No.”
Damian looked up at him. “Will you text her?”
Tim looked into the boy’s sad eyes, an unusual sight, and sighed while pulling out his phone.
Hey Y/N, you good? Didn’t see you at school today
Tim didn’t have to wait long until his phone buzzed.
We’re sorry but the number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
Tim stared at his phone dumbfounded.
Damian cut through his daze with his voice, “Well? Anything?”
Just then, Alfred pulled up, waiting for the two boys get in. “Uh, no. Don’t worry about it.”
When Tim got back to his room, he tried various ways to get in contact with Y/N. Everything failed. Eventually he gave up on conventional means and started using his hacking skills.
“...no”
The first thing he found was the removal of her scholarship eligibility. The next was her enrollment in the Gotham public school system. 
“God, no.” 
When did this happen? Why did this happen?
Why didn’t he ever reach out to you?
203 notes · View notes
wheresmynaya · 4 years
Text
Lost in the Lights Ch.2 | Brittana
Okay so I’m breaking routine here by posting another chapter so soon but I’m just blown away by the response so far and I got excited. LIKE WOAH, I really thought I wasn’t going to reach many people with this bc like...sports. Guess we all just really love Brittana, huh?
Also, 9-0 baby! 😘
Available on ff.net (x) ao3 (x) 
No one is more surprised by the discovery of the Titans’ new quarterback than Santana. Actually, surprised doesn’t even begin to cover it. Santana’s flat out dumbfounded by the news.
Is it the fact that they’ve never had a female Titan, let alone a female QB? Is it the fact that she’s actually really good? Is it the fact that it’s Brittany?
Santana’s at a loss.
The blonde just didn’t strike her as the type to play such a rough sport. She’s like this walking ray of sunshine that irks Santana to no end and she’s only had to deal with her for like a week! No one would’ve ever guessed that Brittany was the one to lead the Titans to their first win but maybe that’s because there’s apparently this side of her that Santana just hadn’t seen yet?
Judging by the way Brittany dominated on the field, Santana had her all wrong.
Santana spends her entire weekend trying to stay on top of her tan before the Autumn chill sets in, but in between sips of cold sweet tea and scrolling through her social media feeds there’s Brittany. Again, she doesn’t know why the quarterback keeps disrupting her thoughts, but it seems like she can’t outrun the girl.
At the moment, Brittany’s everywhere Santana looks! Mainly on social media; one minute Santana’s liking a picture Quinn posted of them before the game on Friday and the next she’s being bombarded by shots of Brittany posing with her teammates. Mike and Sam basically make the same exact post with the whole New Year New QB, but what surprises her is that even Puck is on her feed doing the same thing!
To think that the guys would even allow having a female quarterback is beyond her, because the last time she checked they were all a bunch of sexist pigs. Then again, maybe Coach Beiste has finally taught them all a thing or two about respecting women enough to be okay with playing alongside them?
Santana has no idea.
It’s just crazy how this girl seems to have popped up out of nowhere and now Santana can’t get away even when she’s not at school. The weekends are sacred to her, it’s her time to relax and reset before having to deal with all the McKinley High imbeciles but seeing so much of Brittany has her thoughts running nonstop.
What’s worse is that Santana can’t describe why she’s so annoyed by it all!
\\
It isn’t until Monday rolls around that things finally start to come to a head.
The Titans’ recent win still seems to be the only thing anyone at McKinley wants to talk about, but Santana manages to evade all those conversations. She doesn’t know anything about the game other than the Titans have sucked for most of her high school career but she’s still obligated to cheer for them.
It’s a small price to pay when you’re a real winner. The Cheerios have way more titles and that’s really the only thing Santana cares about.
It’s all apart of her master plan to get the hell out of Lima once she graduates. With several National Championship wins under her belt, along with being Co-Captain since Sophomore year, Santana’s hoping it’ll help to expand her university options.
Although, she knows her future is practically mapped out for her – deep down she still has hope for a miracle. Until then, she just wants to make sure she’s well-prepared for anything which means retaining her position on the squad and making good grades.  
\\
Santana goes through the motions of the school day as usual, and as usual she fights the inescapable feeling of giddiness as she makes her way towards her final class of the day. She doesn’t actually mind the class – Miss Holliday is secretly one of her favorite teachers at McKinley – but she’s not the blonde that’s making her stomach fill with fluttery things.
She’s barely taken two steps into the room when she spots Brittany already sitting at their shared desk. She had been resting her chin in her palm looking bored as ever until Santana walked in. That’s when Brittany perked up and turned on her signature mega-watt smile.
It was getting harder and harder for Santana to scowl at the sight of it.
“Hi!” Brittany greeted happily as Santana took a seat next to her, “How was your weekend?”
It was always the same with Brittany, no matter what kind of look Santana threw her way. Brittany never seemed to be fazed by her grumpiness. She just took it in stride and continued to try and make conversation even if Santana never gave her much to work with.
Maybe that’s why Santana’s drawn to the blonde? She doesn’t scare easily unlike most at the school who wouldn’t dare be so persistent.
“Fine,” Santana answered with a sigh of indifference while she got settled and took out her binder and pen.
“Awesome,” Brittany nodded and picked up her own pen to start doodling, “I had good weekend too. I went to the park, did some chores around the house, hung out with some guys from the team and – “
The team caused a crack in Santana’s façade.
She looked to Brittany, trying to figure out how the girl sitting next to her was the same fierce player she saw Friday night. With the confusion and curiosity that’s been building ever since, the words just came tumbling out of her before she could catch them.
“You’re our new QB,” Santana stated but it sounded more like an accusation than an observation.
Brittany’s brows rose and a coy smile began to spread across her lips, “So you can say more than two words?”
Santana rolled her eyes at the sarcasm but even more so at how that smile made her stomach flip. She really needed to get her shit together.
“But yeah,” Brittany added coolly, “Seems like I am.”
Santana looked down at her binder, “You didn’t say.”
“You didn’t ask,” Brittany replied just as quickly.
Before Santana could get wrapped up in that giddy feeling again, she hardened herself. She was starting to see how Brittany could keep up with the guys on the team, the girl was quick and she had confidence.
Santana liked that…or whatever.
“Sup dudes!” Miss Holliday greeted the class as she strolled in just after the bell, “Is this Monday dragging or what?”
Some kids grunted in agreement. Brittany chuckled away and Miss Holliday smirked up at her.
“Awesome game, Chica!” Miss Holliday complimented as she walked down their row closest to Brittany. She held out her fist for Brittany to bump, “You kicked butt out there.”
“Thanks,” Brittany replied sweetly as their fists connected, “It was a team effort.”
“Spoken like a true leader. About time we got a little girl power in this school,” Miss Holliday nodded approvingly before moving down the row.
Santana watched Brittany giggle then get swept up in listening to Miss Holliday’s instructions for the warm-up activity. Again, Santana found herself in awe of how Brittany was the same girl who could break tackles and fire a football downfield. Brittany was friendly and soft and diplomatic, nothing like any of the guys on the team.
“You’re staring,” Brittany pointed out although her gaze remained on Miss Holliday now standing at the front of the class setting up the projector.
Santana doesn’t know why, but Brittany’s comment makes her cheeks burn.
She was glad when one of the kids closest to the door was asked to turn off the lights. In the darkness, she found some comfort and a little confidence. She was able to get a grip and act like a normal person.
“We’ve never had a female QB before,” Santana whispered. She had her pen in hand, trying to follow along with everyone else by doing the activity but her focus was elsewhere.
“So I’ve heard,” Brittany replied just as softly.
Santana didn’t know what to say next; this was the most they’ve spoken to each other thus far and she really didn’t know where the conversation was going.
What she didn’t anticipate though was fucking it all up with one sentence.
“Girls,” Santana breathed out and for some reason the word made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. She didn’t realize she hadn’t said it in awhile, maybe not since seeing…  
Santana swallows hard at the memory trying to worm its way in. She pushes it to the back of her mind; now isn’t the time for it.  
“Girls,” She repeats herself with a steadier voice, “They aren’t supposed to play football.”
When Brittany looks at her, the friendly smile is gone and her pretty blue eyes are darker and fill with disbelief.
Santana knows she said the wrong thing the second the words leave her lips. It’s not exactly what she meant, but it’s too late to take it back now. Her words have already done the damage.  
“Huh,” Brittany scoffs and averts her eyes back to her work, “Didn’t expect to hear that coming from you.”
Santana frowns – mostly out of guilt – but her instincts have her on the defense, “What’s that suppose to mean?”
She watches Brittany’s jaw tighten before she’s turning to look at Santana again. Her brows knit together, “It means I didn’t think you were the small-minded type.”
Santana feels winded.
She’s been called many things in her life and has heard some creative insults aimed at her, but never has she ever been called small-minded. She’s surprised by how much that one actually hurts. After everything she went through last year, after all the backlash, after having to deal with real small-minded people she feels a little offended. She can’t be lumped in with them. It’s not possible, because she’s…
The word gets trapped her throat and Santana has to swallow hard again to steady herself.
She isn’t like everyone else.
On second thought, maybe she is if she’s still saying something like that?
“I’ve always been told that those who can play the game well should,” Brittany tells her firmly, “I think I’m someone that can and judging by your team’s standings for the past three years, you could use someone like me on that field.”
Santana gulps. She can’t remember the last time someone at this school spoke to her the way Brittany is. It’s not a tone she’s familiar with, but she knows she deserves it.
“I don’t know you very well, but I thought – I don’t know – I thought you’d at least be a little more accepting than the hicks I’ve come across in this town,” Brittany continues, “I guess I was wrong.”
Santana’s lips part to defend herself, but nothing comes out.
Brittany doesn’t notice, “It shouldn’t matter if I’m a girl or a boy or a damn alien from outer space. If you can play – if you want to play – then you should, no matter what the sport is. Anyone that thinks otherwise is just…well, they’re stupid.”
The last word has Brittany’s voice cracking and the sound finally has Santana sputtering for an explanations, “I – I didn’t mean to – “
“You should probably just pay attention to the board, Santana.”
Santana bites her lip at Brittany’s clipped tone – that might’ve been the first time she’s ever heard Brittany say her name. She does as she’s told though. It’s best if she doesn’t dig herself a deeper hole.
\\
Santana spends the rest of the day mulling over Brittany's words. Even through Cheerios practice after school, Santana can’t seem to get her head on right.
Maybe she really has become a product of her environment? Maybe all the small-minded people she's surrounded by have somehow managed to rub off on her after all of these years?
That can’t be the case, can it?
She hates that she has to ask herself that. Usually, Santana’s not one to have any regrets or remorse once she spits out her vicious words but this time she finds herself backpedaling when it comes to Brittany. She wasn’t trying to be a bitch, it just sort of happened and for once in her life she feels kind of horrible about it.
\\
“You okay?” Quinn asks hesitantly after she dismissed the squad for a water break. Santana was meant to lead warm-ups today but Quinn seemed more eager to take over and Santana didn’t mind considering she’s so distracted.
“Yeah,” Santana shrugs, “I’m fine.”
“You’re quiet today,” Quinn notes, “You didn’t even laugh when Bec accidentally called Coach Sylvester sir.”
Santana tries to mask her worries and shrugs again, “She’s not that far off, have you seen Coach lately? Very mannish.”
Quinn smirks, pleased to seemingly have her best friend back, “So true.”
Just then Coach Sylvester blows her whistle and barks orders at the squad. Santana’s reluctant to move, but she pushes herself up anyway.
“God,” She groans as they walk over to the others, “I’m over this year and it hasn’t even started.”
“Same,” Quinn chuckles, “Let’s go make fun of the JV squad later? I hear they need a ton of work and their practices runs longer than ours because they suck so much.”
If it were any other day, that suggestion would have Santana eager to get a front row seat but even that doesn’t help. Still, she has to retain some sort of normalcy even if thoughts of Brittany are trying their hardest to disrupt that.
“I can’t wait to see that train wreck,” Santana quips and together, she and her best friend fall in line with the rest of the squad.
\\
The remainder of the week is more of the same: class, Cheerios practice, homework then repeat. The only thing that’s out of the ordinary for Santana is the icy, cold shoulder Brittany’s giving her now.
Or maybe Santana’s the one avoiding her?
It’s all minor details. What’s important is that they aren’t speaking to each other anymore and Santana’s starting to miss Brittany’s usual cheerful greetings.
She knows what she needs to do to fix this. It doesn’t make it any easier for her to actually do it though. To admit that she was wrong, to apologize for her words, to accept responsibility for her actions? Santana’s not use to most of that!
It’s a weird kind of tension though between her and Brittany, so Santana’s not sure how much more she can take. Instead, she steals sideways glances in the dark and hopes Brittany takes pity on her and makes the first move.
Brittany doesn’t and soon one week’s worth of silence ends up turning into two.
\\
Santana had every intention of making amends by last Friday’s game, but things just kept coming up. There’s class and Cheerios practice, but now she actually has to study for upcoming quizzes and assignments. She can’t fall behind again so once practice ends, Santana usually gets changed right away and heads straight for her car without even glancing in the Titans’ direction.
Is she using schoolwork as a lame excuse to avoid dealing with her shit? Of course, she’s a teenager. Procrastination comes naturally to her!
\\
Later that night, Santana sits with both of her parents at the table for dinner. It’s a rare occasion to have Maribel and Hector home at the same time, but that quickly loses its novelty when Hector starts to grill Santana on her studies.
“Papi, it’s only the third week,” Santana gently reasons.
“And?” Hector gives her a stern look, “You need to stay on top of things, Santana.”
It’s a simple sentence, but Santana feels like there’s way more beneath the surface. Sometimes it’s hard being the daughter of a successful doctor whose father was also a doctor and his father before him. There is a long line of them in the Lopez legacy and that looms over Santana like a dark cloud, especially now that she’s in her Senior year.
It’s gone without saying whose footsteps Santana will follow, but it’s still a lot of pressure for her. It’s only a matter of time before her dad begins to lecture her again about college and the importance of good grades and extracurriculars while her mom tries to elevate some of that stress.
She’s never met two people who show their love for someone so differently.
“Don’t put too much pressure on her,” Maribel says and squeezes Santana’s hand from across the table lovingly, “You’re doing fine, mija.”
Hector frowns at his wife, “Fine isn’t enough. You think any of these Ivy League schools care about fine? Of course not. They’re going through thousands of applicants a year and fine doesn’t stand out. Fine doesn’t get into Harvard.”
Maribel narrows her eyes at his rambling.
“Don’t give me that look,” Hector huffs but his voice softens as he looks to Santana, “You know what I’m talking about.”
Santana can already guess what he’s about to say. She’s heard it so many times before.
“You can’t get complacent, Santana. You have a lot to make up for,” Hector adds just as Santana knew he would, “Especially after the year you’ve had.”
“That’s an understatement,” Santana mumbles as she pushes food around on her plate.
“What was that?” Hector raises a challenging brow.
“It’s nothing,” Santana dismisses and smiles reassuringly at her dad, “I’m on top of everything this year, Papi. I promise, you don’t have to worry. I won’t disappoint you.”
When Hector matches her smile, Santana feels a little relief even if it only lasts for a moment.
\\
It isn’t until they’re nearing the end of the third week of school when things on the Brittany-front begin to shift for Santana. They still aren’t speaking to each other, but the blonde practically pops up everywhere she goes – if not physically, then someone’s bound to be talking about her.
After securing a second win for the Titans, Brittany has quickly climbed the ranks on the popularity ladder. The buzz around her grows, but what’s odd is that despite her obvious talents and annoyingly charming smile the students of McKinley have mixed feelings about her.
More importantly, about having a female quarterback.
On her walks to class, Santana has overheard the murmurs of doubt in Brittany’s abilities. Some are frustrated at how a new kid was able to dethrone Finn Hudson who has been leading the team all of her high school career. Some think Coach Beiste is getting soft. Some think it’s all a hoax, but Santana doesn’t really understand that one.
Regardless of how they feel about her though, Brittany’s still able to part crowds any time she walks down the hall. It doesn’t look like she pays them any mind, but Santana’s been wrong about her before.
But with popularity comes the irritating gossip mongers and Santana happens to overhear Brittany’s first encounter with McKinley’s most annoying: Jacob Ben Israel.
\\\\\
Between her morning runs, class, football practice, weight training, homework and helping out with Pete, Brittany’s having a hard time finding a moment to relax. She should be use to the hectic schedule by now, but making the change from her old school’s system to Lima’s is throwing her off a little. The school days start earlier, football practices run later and the work is a little harder than she use to.
Then there’s everything going on with Santana and that might be the most frustrating.
For nearly two weeks, they’ve kept this thing between them going. Did Brittany overreact by saying what she said? She doesn’t think so. Maybe Santana didn’t think what she said to her was a big deal, but to Brittany it was. The things people say to her in Lima aren’t anything knew, but that doesn’t mean she’s immune to their sting.
Most times, she’s able to ignore them but it just hits differently when she hears the utter disbelief coming from a fellow female. It’s like, whatever happened to empowering and uplifting each other? Did Santana not grow up listening to the Spice Girls? Has she never watched She’s the Man? Bend it like Beckham? A League of their own?
It’s so irritating because she can’t even ask Santana, the girl avoids her like the plague! The only time they’re ever close enough is in English class and that’s only because they have to share a table.
\\
Brittany’s tired and achy and she’s so wrapped up in her thoughts as shuffles through her locker for her textbook for next class that she doesn’t notice she is no longer alone.
“Brittany Pierce!” Brittany hears someone say and the sound makes her flinch, “You’ve become quite the celebrity.”
She leans back slowly and peeks around her locker door to find a rather dorky looking guy with a huge cloud of hair. She notices the mic in his hand next and is instantly confused.
Is she on tv?
“Who are you?” She asks and glances around unsurely for a camera.
“Jacob Ben Israel,” He says and holds out his hand for her to shake, “Some call me JBI for short. I’m McKinley’s #1 source for news and the hottest gossip.”
Brittany shakes his hand; it’s grossly warm and sweaty as hell but she’s not surprised judging by the look of him. He certainty isn’t dressed like a journalist or one of those news reporters she has seen on tv.
She can hear her dad’s voice in her head chastising her for judging a book by its cover so she gives JBI a polite smile, “Oh okay. Nice to meet you.”
She goes to turn back to her locker, but JBI is quick to start the questions.
“So you’re the first female QB here at McKinley High. You’re new to the school and you’re the first to ever bench Finn Hudson and you’ve already led the Titans to their second victory this year. Hoping for a third this Friday?” JBI pauses and holds out the mic for Brittany.
She clears her throat, she’s not sure where the camera is so she just looks at him, “Of course. There are a lot of really great players on the team and I’m confident we can win a lot more games this season.”  
“Awesome,” JBI replies enthusiastically, “A winning streak isn’t something a lot of the students here have experienced. You’re off to a great start this year. You’re bound to be nominated for Homecoming Court!”
Brittany almost laughs at that.
She’s been nominated at her old school before – even won a couple times – but that’s because she was voted for by her peers, peers who have known her for years. She doesn’t expect any nomination this year, the only reason anyone knows her is because she plays football. If she were to be nominated, it wouldn’t be because she’s well-liked or something like that. It would be because she sticks out like a sore thumb.
“Sounds cool,” Brittany replies despite disagreeing with him.
“So tell us,” JBI’s voice takes a dip. It’s sneaky, almost mischievous, “Would you rather be crowned the King or the Queen?”
Brittany’s stomach flips. She doesn’t like this interview thing anymore.
“What?” She asks because the question confuses her but she finds him wearing this sly grin like he’s just found her weak spot.
He hasn’t, but Brittany’s guard instantly goes up.
“Don’t be shy,” He coaxes with the wag of his brow, “You know what I’m talking about. You’re a female QB, no way you’re strai – “
“Hey!” Suddenly Santana’s there, of all people, and there’s fury in her eyes as she shoves JBI’s mic to his chest, “Fuck off.”
Brittany blinks like she’s caught in a daydream. Her eyes shift from Santana to JBI whose grin widens upon seeing the Co-Captain.
“Now this is a pairing I’m sure everyone would love to see,” He says as he talks into the mic again like nothing’s happened, like Santana isn’t about to beat him over the head with it. He looks to the camera – the kid’s been lingering over Brittany’s right shoulder thus far – and says, “It’s the infamous Santana Lopez, gracing us with her presence.”
Santana rolls her eyes, “I’m not gracing you with shit. Your little show sucks.”
“That’s not what my viewer count says. I’m sure you remember,” JBI quips as he turns back to the pair, “So Brittany, you didn’t answer the question.”
Brittany feels like a deer caught in the headlights; she can’t even remember what the question was, but thankfully Santana interrupts again.
“I said beat it, loser, before I shove that camera so far up your dumb ass you’ll be spitting out polaroids,” Santana snaps.
To Brittany’s surprise though, JBI doesn’t move right away.
“That doesn’t make sense, we’re not even using that kind of cam – “
Santana grits her jaw and takes a threatening step forward. Her voice dips low and gravely, “Try me, Jewfro. Please. I’ve been itching to kick you square in the nuts.”
That threat has JBI reaching to protect his crotch before he turns and runs down the hall with his camera-friend following him.  
Brittany watches Santana smirk like she’s so proud of herself for being able to instill the fear of God in someone before she’s averting her gaze. When her stormy brown eyes land on Brittany, the blonde feels a cold chill.
The smirk’s gone and in it’s place is a familiar scowl. Brick by brick, her wall goes up.
“I know you’re new here, Pierce, so a little word of advice,” Santana warns as she turns to the lockers, “Don’t talk to him. He’s a wannabe journalist that reports nothing but bullshit. He’ll twist your words if you let him, trust me. I’ve seen it happen many times and I don’t want you to get caught up in his shit.”
Brittany’s at a loss for words.
Santana hasn’t spoken to her all this time and now all of sudden this? Why would it matter to Santana what she did or said or who she spoke to? Why would she care, she doesn’t even know Brittany?
There’s so many questions beginning to swarm her, but none make it out of her head.
“Thanks,” Is the only word Brittany ends up saying around a shy grin.
There’s a hint of smile on Santana’s lips when their eyes catch for a quick second, but it disappears just as fast.
“It’s whatever,” She says and Brittany hears a locker door slam, “I’ll see you in class.”
It isn’t until Santana’s halfway down the hall that Brittany finally realizes that their lockers are right next to each other’s. She can do nothing but laugh at the small coincidence.
\\
The second time Santana speaks to her, it’s because Brittany accidentally scared the crap out of her.
It’s Thursday now – the last day of practice before the Week 3 game – so Brittany wants to get a jump on warm-ups. She knows there’s a thirty minute buffer between Cheerios and Titans practice, but she has to account for the extra time it takes to pick up her gear from Coach Beiste’s office first since everything’s stored in the boys’ locker room.
Usually, she gets the whole room to herself and plays a little music from her phone to get amped up. This time though, there’s one Cheerio that’s already there and this particular Cheerio surprisingly has a beautiful singing voice.
Brittany feels like she’s being lured in by one of those sirens she has read about in Greek mythology. She thinks she should probably make her presence known because creeping around a locker room is kind of weird, but she’s so in awe of the girl’s voice.
More importantly, the owner of that voice.
“Jesus!” Santana gasps when she rounds the corner to find Brittany lingering by the hampers. Her hand flies to chest to steady her beating heart, “What the hell are you doing, Pierce? Trying to give a girl a heart attack?”
Brittany thanks the heavens when she finds that Santana’s fully clothed already.
“I’m sorry!” Brittany blushes, “I didn’t think anyone would be here.”
Santana just shakes her head before eyeing Brittany again. There’s a flash of concern when Santana says, “You look like shit, worse than yesterday when I saw you with JBI.”
Brittany’s not sure how to take that. She hasn’t been sleeping well, that’s for sure, but it worries her that her tiredness is beginning to show. At least, that’s what she hopes Santana is talking about.
“I’ve been super busy lately. Guess I’m just ready for the weekend,” She says instead as she fumbles with the shoulder pads in her hands, “Sorry for interrupting you.”
“Interrupting me?”
“Yeah, you were singing. It sounded really pretty.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Santana brushes off before crossing her arms over her chest, “Why are you in here so early? Doesn’t your practice start at 4?”
“Why are you in here so late?” Brittany challenges, “Didn’t your practice start at 3:30?”
Santana cocks her head to the side, “I had to talk to Ms. Pillsbury about something.”
“Who?”
“She’s the guidance counselor. You’ll probably meet her soon, she’s on all the Seniors about their college application due dates. Figures, she’d want to start off with me.”
Brittany wants to know more. Afterall, she’s naturally curious when it comes to getting to know new people so the questions build but she doesn’t voice any of them. Not that Santana would give her any answers anyway.
Santana’s looking at all the gear Brittany’s toting along with her duffle bag and her brows furrow, “Did you carry all of that here?”
Brittany looks down at her gear and nods.
“Why?” Santana scrunches her nose, “Don’t you have a locker or something?”
Brittany shakes her head, “I was never given one. Coach Beiste said Coach Sylvester is meant to assign one to me, but I guess she’s been busy.”
“Doubt it. She hates Coach Beiste so in turn, she hates you.”
Brittany frowns; what’d she do?
“She’s probably just giving you a hard time because you’re a Titan instead of a Cheerio,” Santana answers then walks off. She goes to grab the clipboard that hangs above the hampers, dangling from it is a key, “I can assign you one, it’s part of my Co-Captain privileges. This side is reserved for the squad, obviously, but the set by the showers are all free. You can leave your football stuff there too, doubt anyone in here is going to want to steal it.”
Brittany’s taken aback by Santana’s random act of kindness for a second time that week. She let’s her smile shine, “Thanks. It really helps having everyting in one place. I don’t have to waste so much time walking back and forth.”
Santana nods and there’s that hint of a smile again before she’s leading the way over to the section of lockers that’s now become Brittany’s.
“Top or bottom?” Santana asks as she scans the list attached to the clipboard. Brittany smirks and notices the moment Santana realizes what she has said, “As in locker preference.”
“Duh,” Brittany jokes with a straight face, “What else would you mean?”
Santana’s face is flushed now and Brittany tries her hardest not to laugh. She’s kind of cute when she’s flustered like that.
“I’ll put you down for top,” Santana answers stiffly. Now her eyes are solely glued to the clipboard in her hands, “I guess I can unlock the bottom one too though so you can have the entire segment. You can – uh – decide which you want to use or whatever.”
“That works for me,” Brittany replies casually before she starts to undress.
Santana practically runs into a wall when she sees Brittany pull her top up over her head and let it drop onto her open duffle bag.
“I’ll just leave you to it then,” Santana calls over her shoulder as she scurries off.
Brittany watches the whole thing curiously. Has Santana never changed in front of other girls before or something? That’s the only explanation she comes to for how awkward she’s being.
Brittany doesn’t dwell on it, just continues getting dressed.
\\
By the time Brittany’s got her practice gear on, Santana appears again. She looks a little shier than before and she’s fiddling with her hands.
Brittany just smiles and reaches down for her helmet, “You going now?”
“Yeah,” Santana answers, “Just trying to enjoy the last bit of A.C.”
“It’s not that hot out,” Brittany chuckles and motions to her pads, “At least you don’t have to wear all this.”
“True,” Santana smirks, “Now that would suck.”
Brittany chuckles again. She likes this version of Santana, she hopes she can see her more often but there’s still a giant pink elephant in the room so Brittany doesn’t get too excited.
“I’ll see you out there I guess,” Brittany says.
Santana nods and turns to leave, but then stops and turns back to face Brittany again.
“Actually, I just wanted to say,” Santana starts.
Brittany wonders if this is it. If she’s finally going to get an apology after what Santana said to her the other week, or at least the start of a conversation about her opinion? Anything would suffice by this point.
Brittany waits.
“I just wanted to say,” Santana repeats and her voice is so shaky. It’s completely unlike the confidence she possessed when she told off JBI, “Have a good practice.”
It’s not what Brittany was anticipating her to say – and judging by the uncertainty on Santana’s face, it wasn’t what she was anticipating to say either – but she’ll take it.
“Thanks,” Brittany grins as she walks by her to leave, “You too.”
\\
By Friday night, Brittany’s feeling better than she has all week. Although they’ve yet to acknowledge Santana’s misjudgments, baby steps in the right direction have been taken.
Kind of.
First Santana defended her against JBI then on Thursday she assigned Brittany a locker and today? Today Santana brought her a drink from the Cheerios special lounge while Brittany was getting ready for the game.
“What is it?” Brittany asked hesitantly as she eyed the color of it. She’s sitting on the benches in the locker room completely dressed now in her uniform. All that’s left are the final touches like a quick dance party to get her pumped and applying a little Game Day eye make up.
“It’s a bunch of healthy stuff like fruits and veggies. All fresh so that explains the color, no preservatives. There’s some vitamin supplements in there too,” Santana explains like it’s all a bother.
Brittany’s beginning to see through that though.
“I don’t take drugs,” Brittany replies and tries to give the bottle back.
Santana rolls her eyes and there’s that hint of a smile again, “Does Vitamin D count as a drug? If so, then Puckerman is definitely on something stronger.”
Brittany frowns at the accusation, “Wait, seriously? The team can get in a lot of troub – “
“Easy, Pierce, I’m sure he’s just all-talk,” Santana amends, “I wouldn’t open an investigation on him or anything.” Then there’s a pause and for a second she looks a little shy as she motions to the bottle in Brittany’s hands. Her voice comes out softer, “Drink that. It’ll help with the tiredness and it’s good for your immune system too incase you’re about to come down with something.”
“You think I’m getting sick?” Brittany chuckles and turns back to apply thick black stripes to the apples of her cheeks.
Santana lifts a shoulder casually before standing, “You almost fell asleep in class today.”
Brittany blushes. Did she really? She’s so tired, she can’t even remember.
“What does that have to do with getting sick?” Brittany wonders.
“It’s almost that time of the year and bugs move quick,” Santana explains, “A lot quicker if you’re not taking care of yourself…for example, not getting enough sleep.”
That takes Brittany by surprise. Santana caring about her? Why? But despite the surprise, Brittany feels warm and fuzzy all over.
“Alright Doc, I’ll drink it,” Brittany jokes as she finishes up drawing on the left stripe. She turns to Santana as she twists off the lid and makes a show of taking a long drink.
Santana actually laughs this time before she shakes her head.
“I feel better already,” Brittany beams as she stands. They’re close now and it’s then that Brittany really notices the height difference, “Thanks for this. What do I owe you? Pressed juices like these probably cost an arm and a leg here.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Santana dismisses and takes a step back to put some distance between them, “Just bring home another win.”
“You got it,” Brittany winks and goes to take another swig while she watches Santana leave the locker room.
\\
Unfortunately, it’s a rocky start this time for the Titans. It’s not that Brittany isn’t playing at her best because she always brings 110% to the field no matter how she’s feeling. It’s actually her teammates who aren’t as focused as she is for some reason. There’s still a lot of work to be done when it comes to being a cohesive unit, but today they’ve really taken a step back.
They’re down by 17 points when the half is called.
\\
“Alright, what’s going on out there?” Coach Beiste questions. She’s fuming as she eyes everyone for an answer, “What I’m seeing is that Pierce is the only one here that’s come to play.”
Karofsky scoffs and folds up his arms, “I’m so over hearing about her!”
“Me too!” Azimio chimes in, “First we let in Hummel and now her? What’s next? She gonna join the Puck Heads in the off season and change the game for them too? The rest of us are chopped liver now. It’s not good for my reputation!”
“Your reputation? You were a loser just like the rest of us before Brittany came,” Mike replies but the two don’t take kindly to being called a loser and start shoving at him.
“Cut it out!” Sam tries to breaking it up.
Brittany looks over at them and grimaces. Dave and Azimio both have been a pain in her ass since she’s joined the team, but she thought they were past this by now? They’ve got a winning record, they’re actually improving on being a better team, so what’s the issue all of a sudden?
Coach Beiste shakes her head at them, “Give me a break! One person doesn’t win games. You don’t have to like Pierce but you’re going to give her your respect if you want to play on my field. It’s as simple as that. You work together, you listen and respect each other. That’s what it means to be a team, is it not?”
Brittany eyes her teammates. Aside from the select handful that actually like her, the guys look at her like she’s the enemy. It makes Brittany feel really unsettled.
“Is it not?” Coach Beiste presses.
There are mumbles amongst the squad but it’s not enough for Coach Beiste.
“Louder!”
“Yes, Coach!” They say in unison.
“Okay then, let’s starting acting like a team out there and win this game!” She says with the clap of her hands.
\\
They’re in the fourth quarter now and the Titans have managed to make it a close game despite their rough start. Coach Beiste’s pep talk must’ve worked because the team is playing harder than the first half, but Brittany still senses the undertones of resentment.
She packs it away for now and just focuses on making plays. Afterall, she’s meant to be winning this one for Santana. Well not for Santana; it’s more like paying her back for the drink earlier.
Brittany nods resolutely and looks to the sidelines to see the Co-Captain shaking her pompoms. She does a high kick and yells out a cheer in time with the others, but the smile she’s wearing is what catches Brittany’s eye.
She shakes her head and focuses on the snap.
“Down!” Brittany calls out. She catches the other team’s Line Backer’s movement from the corner of her eye. The defense looks hungry, but so are they. She smirks and braces herself, “Hut!”
The ball is snapped and Brittany quickly hands it off to Puckerman. So far their run game has been pretty weak tonight, but Puckerman surprises everyone and kicks into gear. He plows through the defense at full speed, breaking tackle after tackle, until he crosses over for a first down and steps out of bounds.
He spikes down the ball and makes a sawing motion with his arm while the crowd goes wild. Matt runs up to congratulate him with a hard pat on the back.
“Yes!” Brittany jumps up and down as she cheers.
Over on the sidelines, the Cheerios are just as excited as they chant:
“First and ten, first and ten! First and ten, let’s do it again!”
Brittany sees Santana watching her with a huge grin and it makes her feel warm all over again. She knows it’s silly to think that Santana’s cheers are just for her – same goes for that smile – but she can’t help but dream.  
Yeah, she’s decided. She’s really going to win this game just for her.
Brittany quickly runs up to their new line of scrimmage and everyone starts to take their position. She smacks Puckerman on the back when he jogs up next to her to get in formation.
“Nice carry, Puckerman!” She compliments.
“Sawed right through them!” Puckerman shouted excitedly back.
“Let’s keep up that energy,” Brittany praised and called out another play. They were in field goal range now, but like always – Brittany wasn’t here to play it safe especially with the new set of downs.
This time she wanted to try another play-action route since it worked pretty well in the pre-season game. Mike and Sam have proved to her that they have great hands, but they needed to work on their speed and timing. Now was a perfect time to test that. With Puckerman on a roll, the defense was sure to up their coverage on him rather than the receivers which would work perfectly in Brittany’s favor.
“Blue 82!” Brittany repeats and looks to her sides for confirmation that they’ve picked up the slight change.
Mike and Sam give her the barest nod before they’re glaring at their defenders. Brittany kicks up her foot and Mike quickly changes position so that he’s next to Sam now on the right side of the field.
“Blue 82!” Brittany calls out again and readies herself for the snap, “Down…Hut!”
The ball is hiked and she fakes the hand off to Puckerman so smoothly that the defense follows after him just as planned. While they chase him down to the left side of the field, Mike and Same cut up the right. Brittany holds onto the ball longer than she likes, making sure she gives her receivers enough time to breakaway from their defenders.
The other team’s Line Backer is trying his hardest to break through her O-Line though. Thankfully, Matt ends up making a key block for Mike and Brittany’s able to step up in the pocket and fire down a quick pass. It’s a little lower than Brittany wanted, but Mike makes the catch and pushes past a defender for another first down!  
Everyone went wild, but the play clock was still going since Mike hadn’t made it out of bounds.
Brittany motioned for everyone to hurry into position – this time she was going for a slant route with Matt being the intended receiver. She kept her eye on the seconds ticking away, but the team was able to make it in time to get set.
“OG 30!” She called out. She was really starting to feel that adrenaline kick in but she kept her cool and held out her hands, “Down…Hut!”
Again, Brittany caught the ball and dropped back as everyone began to move. Despite the grumpiness during half time, the guys that made up her O-Line – mostly Dave and Azimio – did their jobs correctly and held the line. Brittany looked to her right and faked a throw before turning to her left and firing at Matt.
He juggled the ball in the air, but ultimately was able to secure possession of it and ran up the side of the field for an easy touchdown!
“Let’s go!” Brittany pumped her fist in the air. That was their best drive all game and now with the new points on the board, they’re finally up by 6! With just a little over ten minutes left in the final quarter, Brittany’s feeling good about their odds in coming away with another win.
\\
She was right to feel confident; Titans end up winning the game 27 – 21. When the final whistle was blown, everyone was cheering and some of her teammates rushed to congratulate her efforts. She happily returned the sentiments, but she couldn’t help but glance over at the sidelines to see if Santana was watching her again too.
And she was, alongside Quinn and the rest of the Cheerios.
Brittany just grinned as she pulled off her helmet and let down her hair, happy that she was able to make good on her promise to Santana.
\\
Despite how great she felt after Friday’s win, Monday morning was a different story.
Everything hurts and she was so exhausted that she didn’t even go for her usual morning run which is telling because she’s one of those rare people that actually works well with routine exercising. She guesses all those late nights studying combined with her patchy sleep schedule have finally taken its toll on her body.
She thinks back to what Santana said Friday about getting enough rest. God, she hopes she isn’t coming down with anything. Getting sick is just not what she needs right now.
“Hey mom?” Brittany taps on Whitney’s bedroom door. The curtains are already drawn and welcome in the morning sun so she knows her mom’s awake already. Whitney appears in the doorway of the master bath in her work uniform and instantly looks worried.
“You feeling okay, kiddo?” She asks as she crosses the room to press at Brittany’s forehead.
“I don’t think I’m sick, but I feel horrible,” Brittany explains.
“Yeah, you don’t have a fever. Have you been getting enough sleep?” Whitney asks.
Brittany shakes her head. Whitney eyes her with concern.
“It’s not the dreams again, is it?”
Brittany shakes her head again, “No. I haven’t had one since the last time I told you. I think I’m just worn out.”
“You’re a busy girl,” Whitney nods.
“Is it okay if I stay home today?” Brittany asks hesitantly, “It’s the only day of the week that I don’t really need to be at practice. I think I can access most of my schoolwork online so – “
“It’s okay, Britt. Just rest today,” Whitney says, “Missing a day isn’t going to break you and I know you’ll catch up when you’re feeling better.”
Brittany fills with relief and gives her mom a weak smile. She’s so happy that Whitney’s so understanding, but she guesses that’s come from experience with everything that happened at the beginning of the year with her dad’s passing. Many mental health days were taken, but Whitney never made her feel bad for it. If anything, she always encouraged them.
“Thanks mom,” Brittany says before taking herself back to bed. She’s able to fall asleep fast for once and she doesn’t wake again until she has to use the bathroom.
\\
When she wakes up the third time, it’s just after three. She sees a text from her mom saying that Gran has Pete and she’ll pick him up once she gets off of work so that Brittany can continue resting.
She smiles and sends a text back to thank her before getting up. After a quick snack and a big glass of OJ, Brittany heads to the couch for another nap.
This time, sleep doesn’t find her as easily as it did the other times so she turns on the tv and tries to find something to watch. She decides to put on something she considers boring in hopes that maybe it’ll bore her right to sleep.
Miraculously, her plan works and she settles in for another nap.
An hour or so goes by when Brittany begins to stir because Pete’s trying to squeeze onto the couch next to her. His cold feel touch her bare ankles beneath her blanket and she flinches at the feel.
“Honey, what did I say in the car?” Whitney whispers, “Let your sister rest.”
“I am,” Pete pouts, “I just wanted to sit with her.”
“How about you come help me with – “
“It’s okay, mom,” Brittany pushes to sit up. Pete instantly beams at her, “I’ve slept enough I think.”
“Feeling better?” Whitney asks and brushes her hand over Brittany’s wild hair.
She nods and does a little stretch, “Much better.”
“Good to hear,” Whitney says and bends down to press kisses to Brittany and Pete’s head, “I’m going to make dinner then. Just leftovers so it shouldn’t take long.”
When she heads off for the kitchen, Pete snuggles in closer to Brittany.
“Did you get to watch cartoons all day?” He asks curiously.
Brittany shakes her head, “Nope, but I did take many naps.”
“Nice!”
“Totally.”
\\
Brittany and Pete are watching tv together a moment later when Brittany hears a knock at the front door. Pete jumps up at the sound and rushes to see who it is.
“Don’t open that door, Peter!” Whitney calls out from the kitchen, “Let your sister get it.”
Pete pouts and hangs back as Brittany moves to get up. She chuckles and ruffles up his hair as she passes by. When Brittany takes a peek, she’s shocked by what she sees and quickly opens the door.
“Santana?” Brittany greets. She’s both confused and pleasantly surprised.
“Who are you?” Pete asks curiously with his head tilted up at the Co-Captain.
“Hi,” Santana smiles kind of nervously as she glances between the two. She’s dressed in her Cheerios warm-up gear – she must’ve just finished practice – and has her binder tucked under her arm.
“Uh…I’m Santana,” She answers softly, “And you are?”
“I’m Peter!” Brittany’s brother holds out his hand to shake, “Everyone calls me Pete though, so you can too if you want.”
Santana quirks a brow at him but smiles as she shakes his hand anyway, “Nice to meet you, Pete.”
“Pete, can you go help mom?” Brittany instructs. She waits until he’s run off then asks Santana out of disbelief, “What are you doing here?”
“You weren’t in class today,” She says.
“Yeah…I didn’t feel well.”
“Didn’t I say you were going to get sick?” Santana smirks.
“I’m not sick,” Brittany sighs, “I was just tired.”
“Right,” Santana keeps the smirk and motions to her binder, “Well, I brought you the work you missed. It’s kind of important for the paper due in a few weeks.”
Brittany just blinks. Maybe she’s still asleep and this is all a dream?
“Here,” Santana offers and goes to flip through her binder for a couple handouts to give to Brittany.
The blonde accepts them although she’s still trying to grasp the fact that Santana’s standing on her doorstep, “Thanks.”
“Sure,” Santana nods and it looks like she’s about to turn away.
“Wait. How’d you know where I lived?” Brittany quickly asks before she can run off.
“Mike told me,” Santana shrugs, “Actually, Mike told Quinn and Quinn told me. Apparently you two are neighbors?”
“Yeah, he likes to tell everyone that,” Brittany chuckles before she gets a sudden burst of confidence and asks, “Did you…want to come in?”
“Uhhh,” Santana looks unsure but then she gives Brittany a small smile, “Okay.”
Brittany opens the door a little wider and leads Santana into the living room. She pushes the blanket she brought down from her room to the side so they can both sit on the couch. Brittany starts to flip through the packet Santana gave her and she’s already dreading the assignment.
“Woah,” Brittany gasps, “This is a lot.”
“Yeah,” Santana nods, “I can help you with it though if you want? Miss Holliday said we can work in groups if we wanted, but we’ll be graded individually.”
Brittany blinks blankly again, “Huh, that’s funny.”
“What?”
Brittany just shakes her head and shrugs, “Just the other week you were insulting me then you stopped talking to me for awhile and now you’re being super helpful. I just can’t get a read on you.”
Brittany wasn’t trying to make Santana feel cornered, she just wanted to open up the conversation. She was over ignoring the obvious, so she went straight for the kill and brought it up head on.
Santana’s shoulders dropped, “Look, I’m…I’m really sorry about that. I was so out of line.”
“Yeah, you really were,” Brittany replies but she isn’t trying to rile Santana up by being argumentative, “You know how many times I’ve heard something similar over the years? Ever since I started playing sports it’s always been: you run like a girl, you throw like a girl, you’re pretty good…for a girl.”
Santana looks apologetically at Brittany and goes to fiddle with her hands in her lap. Brittany notes the familiar motion and decides its something she does when she’s nervous.
Brittany adds, “Like being a girl that plays sports is somehow less than, like it’s a bad thing. I’ve never understood it. I’m just as good as they are.”
Santana shakes her head, “No. I’ve seen you play. You’re so much better.”
“Thanks,” Brittany chuckles weakly, “You know, when I first started I wasn't trying to make some big statement. I didn't want the pressure of being the first female whatever, I just wanted to play. And my family, they've always been super supportive no matter the sport, especially my dad.”
Brittany feels the lump in her throat slowly start to form at his mention and takes a deep breath before speaking again.
“He use to come to every game. But people are so stuck on how I've disrupted their precious norms and it makes things harder than they need to be. No matter where I go, the people will either love me or hate me for this. It's crazy. I'm just a girl who loves playing football, why's that so odd?”
“It’s not,” Santana reasons, “You’re a good different, a kind of different a place like this needs.”
Brittany smiles fondly at Santana’s kind words, “Then why did you say what you did?”
Santana pauses for awhile trying to find the right words but in the end she just shakes her head and sighs, “Probably because I’m a bitch?”
Brittany flinches, she doesn’t think that’s the case.
“You’re just…you’re not what I imagined. I thought football players were rough and you’re not like that at all. You’re soft, delicate. You treat with kindness.”
“So does Kurt,” Brittany offers kindly, “And Mike, Sam too.”
“You know what I mean,” Santana replies.
“Yeah, I do. It’s called a stereotype,” Brittany smirks, “Football players happen to come in all shapes and sizes though. Some are soft and delicate like you say I am and some aren’t, but out on the field we’re all the same. We’re one team.”
Santana nods, “I’m sorry about what I said. You have every right to be on that field, same as the guys. I’m sorry if I made you feel otherwise. I guess I’m still trying to adjust too. It’s not really something you see here…”
“I accept your apology,” Brittany grins.
Santana lets out a deep sigh, “This town can be so old school sometimes and it sucks how there are younger generations out here that don’t know any different. They don’t see how wrong it is to have such a shit mentality. I guess I forgot what progression looks like until you came.”
Brittany knows Santana’s being genuine now and it makes the wait for this conversation worth it. She goes to joke, “Well it’s a learning process. Now you know for the next time you come across someone who doesn’t fit the status quo.”
“Yeah,” Santana matches Brittany’s grin, “I really do.”
“Well hello,” Whitney greets as she enters the living room. She glances between Brittany and Santana as Santana rises to her feet. She stands up straight and proper, “You going to introduce me to your friend, Britt?”
Brittany gulps at the label. She doesn’t know if she’d call Santana a friend just yet.
“This is my mom Whitney. Mom, this is Santana,” Brittany says while Santana gives a polite smile, “We have class together. She was just bringing me some work I missed today.”
“That’s so kind of you,” Whitney compliments Santana.
“It was nothing,” Santana replied and glanced to Brittany, “I tried to warn her about the risks of over-doing it. I can’t imagine having a schedule like hers.”
Brittany’s brow rises at the overly polite tone. Who knew Santana was a little suck up when it came to parents. She smirks as she watches it unfold.
“Stubbornness, she gets that from her dad’s side,” Whitney jokes, “Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re just having leftovers but there’s plenty to go around.”
“Lasagna!” Pete cheers as he runs in from the kitchen.
Santana chuckles but shakes her head, “Thank you, but I should probably get home before my mom starts to worry.”
Whitney nods, “Of course. Well, it was lovely meeting you. Come on Petey, let’s make our plates.”
When they both wander off, Brittany’s again standing alone with Santana in the living room.
“So you’re a kiss-ass,” Brittany jokes, “Never would’ve guessed it.”
Santana rolls her eyes despite smiling, “I have a thing with parents. They love me, okay?”
“Sure, sure,” Brittany giggles, “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone that you’re secretly kind. Wouldn’t want to ruin your rep.”
“I appreciate it,” Santana quips playfully before gathering her things, “Well, I really should head off before my mom starts blowing up my phone.”
“Cool,” Brittany nods and leads the way over to the front door to walk Santana out, “Well. Thanks again for bringing over the work I missed.”
“No biggie,” Santana waved off as she turned to leave, “Glad you’re feeling better. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Brittany waved and watched Santana make her way over to her little red Mazda with a pleased smile.
Maybe they weren’t exactly friends yet, but compared to the downward spiral they’ve been experiencing…they weren’t enemies either.
And in football terms, that’s called forward progress.
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mybeloved73 · 4 years
Text
My name is Chelsea and I’m a ITU Nurse.
I’m also a newly qualified nurse - I literally left Uni last year and began my job in the September.
My background - I didn’t always want to be a nurse. I wasn’t cut out for that sort of compassion or care. I dreamt of being a PT, an athlete, anything that was sports driven.
Until my boyfriend had a bike accident, that then left him in ITU. He later succumb to his injuries and passed away. The nurses looking after him, changed my life. Shining light kind of moment - I want to be just like them kind of thing.
Granted it took me 4 years to build up the courage, battling my PTSD, severe depression and anxiety to even apply to uni. But I did it - and Sept 2019 I got my Pin as a registered nurse.
Now, if you 1) think covid19 was made up, a conspiracy or the numbers have been made up as a scare tactic or 2) you actually believe wearing a face covering will cause ‘respiratory arrests’ ‘acidosis’ blah... stop reading. Because this isn’t for you. Or even 3) you have the view of ‘its their job’ - back away from your screen.
You’ve seen in the news about the public sector pay rise? That nurses aren’t included, nor the junior doctors, physio’s etc (I use etc as there are so many people being forgotten in all this and it is used lovingly and not to cause offence)? Honestly, Im so glad that others are being recognised for their input and help during this - the teachers who put in extra work for children of key workers, who sacrificed their home life to entertain little ones every day and try give them the education they need and deserve, to the police, military - anyone receiving this recognition. Honestly you deserve it. And the NHS will not shadow that or take it away from you.
We agree’d to a 3 year pay deal, that had the options of being reconsidered earlier than the final date if there was a change in circumstances. Covid19 should really be considered as a change in circumstances. I mean being told that you’re already ‘unskilled’ and watching people clap to STOP pay rises... was hard enough. But to have everyone else recognised for their vital contributions and lay something that was agreed in 2018 - is inexcusable.
You realise that most nurses didn’t get to see your claps on a Thursday? That’s handover time. And due to covid19 if their handover time was earlier - they were usually late because of how busy it was and still missed it.
I saw one. Because it so happened I had come off of nights the night prior.
So! My life during covid19 starts off with the busiest winter that my hospital has seen in ITU. We have 10 beds. We are funded for 7/8? We had to open an escalation centre that we stole from our day surgery unit to give us a further 3 beds.
Which in itself is hard - looking after seriously sick patients away from your actual designated and designed ward and without the continuous presence of doctors.
That wasn’t enough.
We had to then stole half of the recovery room, which usually houses patients post surgery whilst they wake up.
Going up to 16 patients. Remember - at this point. I’m THREE MONTHS qualified.
Learning is hard, steep, and in-depth. You’re suppose to be trained over the course of a year as a newly qualified, with study days and help from mentors etc. I couldn’t attend some of those days because we didn’t have the staff to look after the most patients our ITU had ever seen.
Now I know ITU is hard. I picked it.
I knew what it entailed, well partly.
I have to maintain my patients artificial airway. They either have a tube in their mouth or in their throat.
They’re then connected to a ventilator.
Every single setting on that machine, every button - changes something drastically.
From the fio2, PEEP, PS, PC, TV, MVE, PEAK, RR, PF ratio, ... one button, one alteration or mistake... literally can stop this person breathing. Cause respiratory distress, arrest.. trauma? anything.
Did you know I have to move that tube in their mouth every hour to stop pressure sores developing in their mouth? And I still have to brush their teeth and give oral care?
I have to suction down their throat and clear their lungs? Or suction their actual mouth for extra secretions?
And record all this data hourly.
To ensure that this patient is comfortable with this tube... I have to medicate this patient.
I have to keep them in an artificial coma.
Titrating the drugs to their optimum levels.
Some are measured mg/hr, mcg/hr, mcg/kg/min..
some have limits on maximum dose per hour you can use.
Some have really severe side effects.
Such as noradrenaline. Which can literally cause your fingers and toes to become necrotic.
I have to monitor someone’s glucose - whether you’re diabetic or not, and correct it if needed with insulin or dextrose.
I have to give diuretics but not allow your body to become too negative, I have to give fluid challenges to ensure you’re not vascular depleted.
I can help your kidneys with the use of a dialysis machine. Literally filter your blood of toxins your body can no longer remove without help of a machine. This requires constant blood tests to ensure that you aren’t collecting dangerous toxins or you need additional support from the machine.
I can use a machine to check your cardiac output and interpret it to make sure that you have enough fluid vs a drug that’ll help squeeze your heart instead.
I can read an ECG and tell if you need additional supplements such as potassium. Do further tests for magnesium, phosphates etc. And deliver those.
I can feed you through a tube down your nose, and ensure you absorb it. But it’s okay I can give you medication to also help that - these require me to do daily ECGs though, and interpret the data of your QTC to make sure it’s not affecting your heart.
Now. If that’s not enough. Covid happens.
Now remember our record was 16 patients?
Try doubling that.
We worked in our ITU,
Escalation centre
Recovery - we took the whole thing.
Next - we took over operating theatres.
3 patients in theatre 6
3 in 5
3 in 4
2 in 3
We stole theatre staff, recovery nurses, ODPS, ward nurses, retired nurses, health visitor nurses, anyone we could relocate to help us.
March - I’m 6 months qualified.
I’m now the most qualified ITU nurse in my theatre.
I have people who have never looked after a ventilated patients before asking me for help. Please don’t silence my alarm if you don’t know why it’s alarming. I know it’s loud and annoying but it’s telling me everything I need to know with enough time before I need to panic.
Now - covid patients weren’t just sick. Weren’t just needing help to breathe. These patients were all sorts of ‘new’. Nothing made sense!
These patients COULDNT be ventilated. We needed to paralyse them to literally be able to take over their breathing properly! No amount of sedation worked! Their lungs were fibrous and acting like elastic under tension.
Side note - if your patient wasn’t sedated enough compared to paralysis - they could be silently awake, but completely paralysed. Knowing everything happening to them. But unable to do anything - not even breathe. Every time you start rocuronium you need to remember that. If you’re withdrawing treatment - TURN THE ROC OFF FIRST. And wait before you do anything else.
Back to it. They were so unstable that you try roll them, which we usually do 4 hourly to prevent pressure sores - they desaturated to numbers so low that you would usually see some hypoxia brain injury after.
We couldn’t roll these patients without risking that. So you know what. You don’t roll.
So we couldn’t protect their skin integrity. You just watch them, and feel guilty.
Nursing school 101 - pressure sores are PREVENTABLE. Roll your patient. Skin care and hygiene is your best friend.
Now covid went against everything a nurse knows and holds dear.
Our ITU never had pressure sores. Until covid. Some had grade 4’s.
Maggot therapy.
Vacuum dressings.
These patients were also clotting, and sending off clots to their kidneys, liver, heart, brain. Covid made your blood super sticky!!!!
People were having strokes whilst being sedated, going from fit to multi organ failure in days. I’m trying to save these people, knowing they could possibly wake up with complete left side paralysis? Never talk again? Never be them again?
Now you know about these past medical histories etc?
You realise what that is?
that it could be Type 2 diabetes?
Hypertension?
That was it for some.
None of this thinking they were super sick, with lists longer than my arm, and that’s why they didn’t make it. No.
Literally things that happen with age. Poor diet? That 120/80 you’re happy you got - THATS PREHYPERTENSION.
I was probably hypertensive the entire time with anxiety.
Did you know We had to use the old anaesthetic ventilators. None of us had used those before. Those big bellows you see in films going up and down rhythmically. Those.
That was scary.
I’m use to a single touch screen button (hello modern technology) to deliver 100% o2 if my patient needs it. This has a switch to a bag, a button, dials to titrate o2 with normal air. And if I didn’t monitor the crystals in the bottom my patient would retain their own co2 and I wouldn’t know why.
New found love for anaesthetists and ODPS - these machines are NOT designed for prolonged use. But they helped us keep our patients alive. By literally guiding us and helping us look after the machines so we could do our job.
Now. All of this is made worse by PPE.
I’m hot.
It’s hot.
And intense and I’m working hard because tonight, I have 3 ventilated patients. By myself.
I have a gown on.
2 sets of gloves
An apron
An FFP3 mask
A hat
A visor
And no air con.
But I’ve got this. I can’t do my hourly checks because I am one person.
My super sick patients now have 2 hourly because it is physically impossible.
Where are the other staff?
Sick.
You’re watching these people struggle to breathe on machines and then being told your close friends at work, your mentors, your seniors are spiking temperatures. Some being admitted to hospital. Some not being able to come back to work for weeks.
Some ending up on your ventilators. It’s okay. I’ve got this.
I’m an ITU nurse right?
CPR wearing that get up. Is TOUGH. 27mins. I cried that day.
We lost 3 patients in 12 hours.
I held the hand of so many people as I turned off their ventilators because their families couldn’t be with them and no one should die alone. No one. I tried my best.. and then once my day had finished, I had to come home to my dad who is immunosuppressed. Who doesn’t understand boundaries. “Kevin stay in the other part of the house!”
*knocks on bedroom door with dinner*.
Proning. What an experience that is. And doing it Daily. The complications of that were scary before you even approach the patient.
So I’m going to flip my patient - who has a tube down their mouth to help breath, who is on medication for sedation, paralysis, to keep their blood pressure up.. from laying on their back - to laying on their front.
Seems easy?
Well it’s not. And requires like 8 people.
8 people.
We don’t have enough people as it is. So we now develop a proning team made up of everyone.
There are consultants, there are experts in their fields, there are physios and then I don’t know who else.
Honestly I couldn’t thank these people enough. More people would have died if we didn’t have a proning team. But now, people spent 23 hours laying on their front. Pressure sores on their faces. Potential of going blind? New complications of not being able to breathe we never expected.
We are finally back into one unit now. I’m still less than a year qualified. And I’m still running on adrenaline expecting this second wave. Those still reading, I know you’re thinking that she picked this job.
She knew what it meant.
And you’re right! Give me those complex drug calculations and ventilators. Oh and the scrubs!
But a pandemic? I didn’t pick that. The world didn’t pick that.
Honestly thank you, to the ward nurses - your lives got flipped upside down.
The physios who became best friends.
Consultants who literally got down and dirty with us.
To the domestics who cleaned furiously for us.
OT’s To literally orientate our patients when they’re waking up like 70 days later.
Every
Single
Person
Who
Helped.
Oh communication team made up of medical students, who updated the families because... I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave my patient. Not like this!
Matron who literally had to facilitate all this, with people who knew nothing about ITU. Being in ITU. Looking after ITU patients. Whilst her own ITU staff were sick, in hospital, or newly qualified, or working to the point they broke.
To the countless companies sending food, goodies, moral support !! Oh my god that was incredible to come to after not having a break for 6+ hours ... mmm... food!!
Did you know they’re offering support for the nurses to stop PTSD, or anxiety or just to help up digest what we saw? Psychological support for just doing your job?
But it’s okay.
We got a deal in 2018 for the pay.
We got clapped thursdays.
We all know that’s not enough, but we will still turn up for work.
We can’t leave our patients.
We can’t strike.
They’ll always mean more to us than pay. And the government knows that. Abuses that.
540 NHS staff lost their life doing ‘just their job’ - today the NHS staff walked through London protesting, to be heard. To be listened to. To be acknowledged. To be paid fair.
Sign the petition for us. Because we aren’t just here for covid. We’re here for life.
https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/316307
And just put your mask on - please - for that hour you go shopping.
I’ve been wearing mine since March 6th. 13+ hour days. Developed a nice grade one on my nose, my friends faces bleeding from using a rubber respirator....
And We’ll be like this for the foreseeable future.
Now that we have the stocks to do so anyways.
Oh and I’m pissed my graduation was cancelled! All that and I don’t get to wear the hat and gown. Bastard virus. (I understand there was more lost but humour me).
Signed, your registered ITU nurse. We will always continue to monitor.
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acrobaticcatfeline · 4 years
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Ok!!! Adhd tip, learned from a person who has been diagnosed for almost her entire life!!!
Instead of seeing adhd as cant sit still disorder, try to see it as chronically understimulated disorder. Its why stim toys are so so important!!! Because if I'm sitting in class listening to a lecture, odds are I won't be taking notes the whole time and then, theres a chance I'll get bored.
And we all know that understimulated disorder makes boredom physically painful. So what do you do to stop it? Entertain your brain with something you can do on autopilot but is still an active thing. It's why I like clicking pens!!! My brain can be entertained by the noise and motion so that what my teacher is saying actually sinks in. You can do lots of different things, fidget spinners and cubes, buttons, doodling, theres many ways to get your brain to be focused enough to retain information.
Now to explain, first, I'm not a doctor or anyone of the sort, im just a nearly 19 year old girl who's been diagnosed for 16 of them explaining how it feels.
So as far as I see it, if I am bored, things around me have a layer of static over them, making it hard to remember. Things people say to me dont really register because I am not actually fully attentive. When I'm doing something my mind sees as simple enough to be on autopilot, the static fades, the sensors making the static are now entertained, so I'm able to really remember being told things. I still have a crappy memory tho lol.
But anyways it's what really sucks about stim toys becoming mainstream, cuz now several schools have them banned and there are kids who are suffering because of it.
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thepoeticfirefly · 4 years
Text
Always You (Chanyeol x Reader// Baekhyun x Reader) Five
Summary: She never intended to fall in love with her best friend knowing that doing so will hurt what they already have. But what she never wanted was to hurt them both in expense of her feelings (to edit if i think of a better summary than this crap)
Genre: Angst/Fluff; high school to college au; chanyeol & baekhyun x fem!reader
Disclaimer: this story is mine and any stories with a similar plot is a coincidence. this is story is purely my imagination; moodboard is mine, i really worked hard doing it and I know it’s not that good but it was my first time doing one but it was fun😆
Warnings: angst
Word Count: 3.6k+
A/N: HAPPY BAEKHYUN DAY!!!
part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7
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Months passed, Chanyeol's birthday passed, Christmas and New Year passed, and not once did Chanyeol and Y/N spoke a word to each other. They had accepted that they were not friends anymore and that they would graduate without each other by their side (though the thought of it still tugged at their heartstrings).
With each passing day, Y/N did her best to move on. But whenever her eyes would fall on Chanyeol, Y/N would feel sorrow course through her body, missing the unusually tall boy and the times they spent together. She would miss when they would smile and laugh together, when they were inseparable and when their bond was the strongest. But not everyone would stick with you in your life, not even the ones you thought would be there with you till the end, and Y/N learned to accept that.
Chanyeol and Mi Soo were still together, the strongest since they started going out. But deep down Chanyeol’s heart, there’s a gap that not even Mi Soo was able to heal. He would find himself missing Y/N but every time he thought to make amends with her, he’ll be reminded of Mi Soo and thought of it as wrong. He would brush off thoughts of Y/N and fill them with Mi Soo’s presence. But Chanyeol felt undeniably empty. For years, he would be with Baekhyun and Y/N all the time. But these days, even hanging out with Baekhyun was becoming scarce.
Baekhyun stayed friends with both Chanyeol and Y/N, hanging out with them separately which made him sad. All he wanted was for them to be together again. He couldn’t help but blame Mi Soo for separating Chanyeol and Y/N though she did not take part on their decision to break their friendship. Mi Soo was ready to accept whatever Chanyeol decided to do. If he would still be friends with Y/N or not, it was his decision and Mi Soo told herself to accept it.
Mi Soo did feel guilty when she learned that the two decided to end their friendship but she also felt relieved. It was evil in her part but she was glad because she didn’t need to act as if she was okay if her boyfriend still hanged around with his former best friend who was very much in love with him.
The more time Mi Soo and Chanyeol hang out, the less Baekhyun found himself hanging out with Chanyeol. At times, Baekhyun would find himself with Chanyeol and Mi Soo and when he realize that Y/N was missing, he felt wrong that it was as if Mi Soo suddenly replaced Y/N in their group. And at those times, Baekhyun would excuse himself, feeling that he was betraying Y/N.
And because of that, Baekhyun hanged around Y/N more, and before anyone even realized it, Baekhyun and Chanyeol were growing apart. Though they would still talk to each other, it wasn’t like before where they would tell each other everything. Now, they would just have casual conversations before going off to be with Mi Soo and Y/N.
As their friendship slowly dissipate, the day of their graduation slowly etched its way to their batch. Everyone in their year found themselves focusing on what course they would take and what university they would go to. All their conversations revolved around what university they want to be in and if they already had their entrance examinations. These sudden talks of courses took a toll on Y/N who had no idea as to what she wanted to become.
Baekhyun was already set on studying for a game development course and Y/N was glad for him, happy that he would be studying somethings he had always had a passion on. She would reminisce the times the three of them would play video games and how passionate Baekhyun was about it. Y/N would laugh at the thought, realizing the times Baekhyun would spend all of his time playing games would actually be beneficial to him.
Chanyeol, as Y/N has always knew, would probably be studying music. Chanyeol is undeniably talented in music and Y/N had always supported him about it. But since they aren’t talking anymore, Y/N doesn’t know what Chanyeol would be studying for college.
All of Y/N’s classmates already had their goals set on a course and Y/N felt pressured, even more because of her parents who had been firing every course they knew, suggesting this and that that ultimately didn’t help Y/N decide on what path she would take.
With a month away from graduation, Y/N focused more on her studies to prepare for her finals. She thought that if she didn’t think about it, she would feel less pressured. But the thoughts of what course she would take did not leave her mind as it bothered her every second of everyday. Y/N was scared. She didn’t want to switch courses in case she didn’t enjoy the one she picked. She wanted to only have one course she would stick with. But the fact that her life depends on what course she would take scared Y/N to the bones. She felt herself not wanting to graduate yet, to stop time and stay at the moment and be young forever away from the responsibilities of adulthood.
All of these worries clouded her mind until one Thursday night when her older sister called her, asking if she had set her mind on what course she would take. Her older sister lived overseas, in the US to be exact, working as a Physical Therapist in a public hospital. She lived with her husband and has been living there for a little over 3 years now.
“You should try Physical Therapy, if you want” Her sister suggested and Y/N gulped, remembering the times her sister did not sleep but studied all through out the night and asked
“But didn’t you say that course is difficult?” Y/N could practically hear her sister roll her eyes when she replied “All courses are difficult, Y/N. It’s just different if you enjoy what you’re doing”
“Is it nice, being a Physical Therapist?”
“It’s fulfilling” Her sister replied, her voice laced with the smile on her face “You get to help patients retain abilities they lost and watching them improve, is just so” She sighed
“So fulfilling” Y/N smiled, feeling proud of her sister “But Physical Therapy is more about physical. There’s another course that helps patients retain their abilities”
“What’s that?” Y/N probed, curious.
“Occupational Therapy, and it’s more like, when patients forget how to chew, you teach them how again. While mine is if they can’t walk anymore, you can help them slowly walk again”
After some more talking, Y/N was about to end the call when her sister stopped her and said “By the way, if you do end up wanting to study in the medical field, if you want, you can follow me here” Y/N felt a lump on her throat and her sister continued
“There are excellent universities here and I’ll be here to help you, my husband too. And I’m the one who’s gonna pay for your studies anyway so why not study here? We can be together again!” Her sister beamed and Y/N was unable to respond until she heard her sister call her name
“I-I’m gonna think about it” Y/N said and immediately ended the call, dropping her phone on her bed as she collapsed into her pillows. Y/N gulped, hesitant.
Going overseas to study is indeed, very very beneficial on her part as she would be able to get quality education. And she would be overseas and she would be able to see her sister after so many years. But, she wasn’t so sure about leaving her parents behind. About leaving her friends and her life behind.
Y/N was barely able to sleep that night, unsure about what she should do. She arrived late to class, her first time in her whole senior year. Fortunately, it was self study time so she wasn’t reprimanded that much.
Baekhyun noticed her out-of-it state and after the their teacher left the room, he scooted closer to her, asking “Hey, you okay? You seem to be distracted”
Y/N stared at Baekhyun, already missing him even though she hasn’t even decided if she would leave yet “Baekhyun-ah” She whined, putting her head on his shoulders, flustering the boy “Y-yeah?”
And so she told him everything, from her worries to what her sister proposed to her last night and her inner conflict of wanting to take her sister’s suggestion to wanting to stay. Baekhyun kept quiet the entire time, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him, afraid that she would disappear and he won’t remember what it felt like when she was with him.
“What do you think?” She asked, getting off his shoulder to look him in the eye. Baekhyun gulped, saddened though her decision wasn’t final yet.
“You should do what you want. It’s your life after all, so you should do what you think would be beneficial for you” He smiled, though it did not reach his eyes, his mind screaming ‘Stay’ 
Y/N nodded, focusing back to her books to study again. Baekhyun’s eyes did not leave her, already missing her. Baekhyun hated this, he hated that everyone is suddenly going away. He hated that even Y/N is gradually slipping away and he can’t stop it.
Their finals came and everyone studied, not speaking to anyone as they crammed, eyes flying like bullets through their notes as the minutes ticked by closer to the start of their exams. When finals officially started, hours passed by in a blur, their necks hanging low as they took in every question and answered it with what they think is right. As fast as the finals started, the end unknowingly came and the students rejoiced, ecstatic that their final high school examination is done.
Dismissal came quickly and students filed out their classrooms, flocking with their group of friends as they took off home or to wherever they decided to hang out. Baekhyun and Y/N walked together, chatting about how they’ve done and how relieved they are that they won’t be studying anymore for the meantime.
Baekhyun took a hold of their ice cream from the vendor and handed Y/N hers, thanking him in the process. They sat down on the table by the glass window, sitting across from each other as they ate their ice creams.
“So, have you decided yet?” Baekhyun asked cooly, though his eyes wavered, unsure if he was ready to hear her decision. Y/N didn’t fail to notice this and smiled, chuckling under her breath.
“Yeah...After some talking with my family, we came to an agreement” Baekhyun hummed in response, staring outside the shop, avoiding eye contact. Y/N smiled sadly “Baekhyun-ah...”
He hummed again, but did not look at her “Baekhyun” She called, sighing. Baekhyun sighed too, finally turning to look at her to see her sad eyes, his stomach dropping, already knowing the answer yet holding on to the thin line of hope that she would stay ‘Stay’ He thought as she began to speak
“I decided to go”
Baekhyun’s eyes began to water and seeing this made Y/N’s eyes water too “B-but...” He stammered, his voice cracking as he continued “C-can’t you stay?”
His voice was pleading and her heart broke when a tear fell down his cheeks. Y/N didn’t reply and Baekhyun harshly ate his ice cream then spoke again “I hate this”
“I fucking hate this” He repeated “I hate that everyone is suddenly going to who knows where and I-” He paused, wiping his cheeks as tears fell down his eyes “I hate that even you’re starting to get farther away” He sobbed.
Y/N transferred from her seat and sat beside Baekhyun, her ice cream forgotten as she enveloped him in a hug. Baekhyun set his ice cream down and hugged her back. He tightened his grip around her, not wanting to let her go.
“I’ll miss you” Y/N cracked, also hugging him tight. “We’ll still talk everyday, okay?” Y/N told him and he nodded, leaning away from her. He took her hand and held it, the both of them chuckling at their crying selves.
After taking Y/N home, Baekhyun dashed off to Chanyeol’s house, much to the latter’s surprise “Baekhyun?” Chanyeol asked, confused at Baekhyun’s sudden appearance after not talking for a while.
“You!” Baekhyun bellowed, stomping towards Chanyeol who backed away “W-what?”
“Y/N is-! Y/N is-!”
“Y/N is what?” Chanyeol asked, confused.
“Y/N is leaving” Baekhyun said, his voice sad as he took steps backwards away from Chanyeol “Leaving?”
“She’s going overseas to study after graduation” Baekhyun sat on Chanyeol’s bed, looking down. Chanyeol gulped, taking in the information.
“Her sister is taking Y/N with her so...” Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol “Are you still not going to talk to her?”
Chanyeol’s mouth hanged open, unable to reply. Baekhyun scoffed, standing up and left Chanyeol’s room. He had said enough and so he left Chanyeol to his thoughts, hoping that he would come to his senses and talk to Y/N.
The Monday after their finals came and it was the last week of their classes and after that, their graduation will be held. Y/N came in early and as usual, slept until their teacher came.
Chanyeol was startled to see Y/N, but moved on and sat on his seat, glancing at her every now and then, hesitant if he should approach her and ask about her going overseas. After some minutes of arguing with himself, Chanyeol stood up, a sudden surge of courage surging through his veins. Just as he was gonna walk towards her, the door opened and 4 of his classmates entered the room, startling him. Embarrassed, he exited the room and found himself walking towards Mi Soo’s section, sighing.
The next time he found a chance to approach Y/N was the next morning, and it was only him and Y/N again. Gulping, he walked towards her sleeping figure. He stood in front of her and tapped her shoulder causing her to stir awake. They froze when they made eye contact, Y/N’s mind going dizzy at his sudden presence.
Y/N was about to speak but Chanyeol suddenly turned away and exited the room, confusing Y/N “What the-?” Y/N exclaimed, her heart still beating uncontrollably, still surprised that Chanyeol approached her for the first time in months. Y/N told Baekhyun about this and the boy couldn’t stop smiling, shooting Chanyeol smiles throughout the day.
The next morning, Y/N stayed awake in case Chanyeol decide to finally talk to her. She felt giddy knowing that Chanyeol knew that she’s going away for college after Baekhyun told her that he told him. She felt happy that Chanyeol was trying to talk to her, wondering if maybe he still cared enough to ask her about it. She wondered if he miss her like she miss him. Y/N suddenly felt sad again at the thought.
Startled, Y/N turned around to look at the door open and revealed Chanyeol. They made eye contact and Chanyeol looked away awkwardly, clearing his throat at the process.
“Chanyeol” Her soft voice turned him to stone. Y/N stood up and walked towards Chanyeol who stood frozen on the ground.
“Chan- Chanyeol!” Chanyeol came to his senses and freaked out when he noticed Y/N walking towards him and surprised both of them as he ran away, opening the door and slamming it shut.
Y/N ran after him, opening the door but stopped at the hallway, screaming “PARK CHANYEOL YOU FUCKING COWARD!” Y/N huffed as she watched him run, turning to Mi Soo’s section.
Y/N ignored him for the next few days much to his relief, though he grew annoyed at himself for being the coward as Y/N had described him to be. Their last day came as fast as the weekend passed and finally, it was time to say goodbye, though they will still meet each other at their graduation. But nonetheless, they felt nostalgic as they reminisced the times they’ve spent in this school, the good and the bad, laughing about it as they let go of their past.
Baekhyun and Y/N gazed longingly at Chanyeol who stared back at them, beside him was Mi Soo with her friends. Mi Soo noticed Chanyeol and followed his gaze to found he was staring at Baekhyun and Y/N who has now looked away from him. Mi Soo clutched his arm “Chanyeo-”
“Let’s go” He smiled at her, cutting her off. Chanyeol bid goodbye to her friends and laced his hand with hers as he lead her away from her friends. Mi Soo glanced back at Baekhyun and Y/N to see them staring at them. Mi Soo looked away and gazed at Chanyeol, her heart trembling with guilt.
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Y/N gazed dreamily at her batch mates in their graduation robes. Y/N looked down on her own and smiled, feeling nostalgic. It was just like yesterday when they were freshmen and now, it’s their last day to be together gathered like this.
Y/N turned to Baekhyun who rambled beside her, chatting aimlessly, trying to set his sad feelings aside and enjoy this day that was only a far imagination in their minds but has now come true.
Y/N smiled widely, thinking back to the first time she met Baekhyun. He was a sickly, thin and skinny loud boy that Y/N promised to never associate herself with, but funnily enough became her best friend. Together with the other boisterous tall boy, the three of them became inseparable. But years passed and people were bound to drift away and their three became two, though in their hearts they remained as three.
“For you” Baekhyun shyly said, giving Y/N a bouquet of flowers “Congrats”
Y/N bellowed in laughed “What the-?” She laughed and his cheeks turned pink “Stop laughing! Or I’ll get that back!”
“Okay! Okay! Sorry. Thank you” Y/N stopped laughing, though still grinning.
“How sweet” Y/N ruffled his hair, making Baekhyun huff out in embarrassment.
Their graduation ceremony was already done a few minutes ago and students flocked outside the ceremony hall, taking pictures together, refusing to part ways from each other.
Baekhyun dragged Y/N everywhere, taking pictures with only them and others, trying to stall time as later that night, Y/N would officially go overseas. Y/N and Baekhyun’s parents waited patiently, letting the two go around as much as they can together, knowing that they won’t be together for a long time.
Watching Y/N and Baekhyun, Chanyeol made a fist, his feet aching to go to his best friends, if they would still call him that. Beside him, Mi Soo watched him battle with himself. Sighing, Mi Soo took his hand, getting his attention.
“Go to them, Chan. Go” Chanyeol searched her eyes and she nodded, smiling at him softly. His eyes shined, taking Mi Soo in his arms, hugging her before running off.
Y/N jumped in surprise when she saw Chanyeol behind them, his hands on his knees as he breathed harshly “Chanyeol?”
“I-” He paused, taking a deep breath “I- umh” He stammered, his eyes locking with Y/N’s.
“Yes?” Baekhyun gazed intensely at Chanyeol, on edge.
“I-I heard you’re going away t-tonight?” Chanyeol asked, Baekhyun furrowing his eyebrows.
“Y-yeah” Y/N awkwardly replied. Chanyeol nodded, though it seemed more like to himself.
“H-have a safe trip” 
‘No, that’s not what you want to say, Chanyeol!’ He thought, but the words won’t come out of his mouth.
“Is that all?” Y/N asked timidly, looking at Chanyeol, hopeful. Chanyeol didn’t reply and Y/N sulked in disappointment, sending him a small smile before walking away.
Baekhyun took a step closer to Chanyeol and whispered “Why are you being like this? What are you so afraid of?”
Baekhyun was confused. He can see through Chanyeol’s eyes that there are words and feelings that just won’t come out of his mouth. Baekhyun was confused and irked. What was he afraid of? Why is he not speaking out his feelings? Why is he being like this?
When Chanyeol didn’t reply, Baekhyun shook his head, disappointment in his eyes. He turned away from Chanyeol and ran after Y/N, hooking his arm with hers. And the sight broke Chanyeol’s heart. But why? He did not understand.
“Y/N, it’s time to go” Her mother called, and instinctively, Baekhyun tightened his grip on Y/N’s arm. Y/N stopped and faced Baekhyun whose eyes screamed ‘Don’t go’ 
“Byun Baekhyun, good bye” She smiled sadly, tears starting to form in her eyes.
“Don’t go” Baekhyun voiced out. Y/N chuckled under her breath, wiping her eyes with her free hand
“I can’t do that Baekhyun-ah” She said, her voice sad. Baekhyun pulled her to him, hugging her with all her might. His eyes tearing up, wetting Y/N’s clothes. They heard someone clear their throat but they did not let go, knowing that this would be the last time they would see each other, at least for a while.
“Y/N...” She heard her mother trail off. Y/N pulled away from Baekhyun’s arms reluctantly, instantly feeling empty at the lack of proximity. Y/N chuckled, wiping Baekhyun’s eyes and cheeks “Don’t cry, Baekhyun-ah”
“But I’ll miss you” His voice cracked, holding both her hands “And you’re crying too!” They laughed, Baekhyun wiping away her tears.
“Let’s not cry, okay? We’ll still see each other, okay?” Y/N comforted, her eyes comforting Baekhyun’s sad ones. He nodded, pulling her for one last hug.
They pulled away, and Y/N began to walk away, their hands still in each others. Y/N glanced at him for the last time before letting go of his hand. She got on the car and Baekhyun felt himself panic that that was the last time he’d see her.
The car erupted to life and before it run and get further away from him, the window lowered and Y/N sent him a smile “I’ll call you later” And with that, the car left and for the first time in his whole life, Baekhyun had never felt so lonely.
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enbycalicocat · 3 years
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Day 27: 24th of February, 2021
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TW! +Mentioned bullying (doesn’t happen in the story) +Maybe a bit of mentioned violence (but nothing too bad, and it doesn’t happen in the story) . That said, this story seeks to portray what I consider is very good advice on how to deal with bullying (from personal experience) and it is over all very positive. Don’t let the trigger warnings scare you and keep you away.
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"I swear you could convince anyone of anything." Matie stared at me, eyes slightly awed but also amused. "I'm sure if you could meet a dead man, you would be able to talk him into thinking he's alive."
 "Ah, well, from what I've read, the dead don't really understand what happened to them and find it hard to believe they're not living anymore, so that would be really easy," I said with a smile.
 Matie laughed and we kept on eating, silence settling around us. Then, Matie looked up at me with a glint in their eyes and a playful smile.
 "I thought of a fun exercise for you."
 Chuckling through the food in my mouth, I waited to swallow before putting down my fork and knife and answering.
 "Let's see what you thought of."
 Matie smiled even more when they saw I was willing to join the game.
 "Okay so, you have to convincingly argument in favor and push the worse advice you've ever been given."
 I laughed because that was a very interesting proposal indeed.
 "Alright, let me think."
 We kept on eating as I turned and turned the gears in my mind, trying to remember the worst advice someone had ever given me. At first, I couldn't remember anything that was specially bad. But then a lightbulb turned on in my brain.
 "Well, you know, the thing with advice, is that no matter what, it would always sound very logical. Short of saying, «Yes, you should indeed jump off the top of this building and try to fly» or something along those lines, there's really nothing that would be really hard to argument for. So, I don't think this game will end up being much fun."
 Matie's face fell as they probably thought I had decided not to play.
 "That said, I still think it's a very interesting exercise."
 Smile curling right back up, Matie's eyes began to twinkle as they stared at me, waiting with baited breath.
 "I'll be very honest with you here. The very worst advice I've ever been given is ignoring my bullies at school."
 The face in front of me changed yet again and Mat watched me with curiosity and confusion.
 "And it's something still being said today. Kids out there are still receiving this 'great' piece of advice from teachers and friends and parents around them.
"I could sit and tell you all the reasons why it's such a very bad thing to suggest. But, that's not what the game's about. Hence, I'm gonna argue in its favor first. And then I'll explain why it's all crap."
 Pausing for a bit, I tried to get my ideas in order and plan the things I would say.
 "Mat, like, I don't even need to strain my mind to come up with ways to defend and push this. No matter who it is that gives you this jewel, they always make it sound really convincing.
"For one, the bullied person typically would be perceived by the people close to them as 'superior' or 'above' the bullies. Thus, one of the main arguments is that if you begin answering the things bullies say, if you take revenge, or start doing things back to them, and that type of thing, you're lowering yourself to their level. Basically, engaging them reduces your everything, intelligence, morality, ethics, dignity, you name it.
"Because bullying often stems from envy, from you having some attribute the bully wishes they had but they don't, or wants but can't be bothered to get, or had but isn't brave enough to show it like you. Also, it's a way for people to make themselves feel like they have more power than they actually do. So, it's all based on the lacking of something, and using cheapskate easy methods to deal with it instead of bothering to put in some effort. But you did put in the hard work, and that makes you better.
"The second most important argument is that if you ignore them and keep yourself from reacting long enough, the bullies will get bored and leave you alone. Think of children. When a kid doesn't feel like whatever they're doing or watching is engaging or interesting enough, they get bored and go do something else. As we grow, people are the same, we often find things that call our attention, and become obsessed with them; but then after a while, they lose their shine or whatever drew us to them, and we turn away from them, in search of something new.
"Same thing should happen with bullies. If you're not interesting enough, after a while, they should leave in search of something else.
"I'm just gonna use those two arguments, because they're the most convincing, and because I really can't think of any other logical sounding thing to say. Not to a bully victim anyway.
"But so far, so good, right? Everything sounds very plausible and convincing?"
 Matie nodded with a thoughtful face, probably considering everything I said.
 "To be honest Kate, if I had a kid or knew of someone who was bullied, ignoring them is what I would've recommended."
 I smiled at Matie, as the next words dropped from my mouth.
 "The thing is that everything I just said is a load of crap. It's all lies. The bases are true. But the buildings on top of them are all made of flimsy poker cards."
 A frown clouded Matie's forehead.
 "I don't see how."
 "Marina Abramović once, for one of her performances, stood still for six hours and insisted that she wouldn't move no matter what was done to her. In a nearby table, she placed seventy-two objects, some threatening and some non-threatening: feathers, flowers, parfumes, a knife, and a loaded gun, among others. Then she invited the audience to use these things on her however they wanted. The conclusion was that at first the people were very peaceful and shy, but they quickly scaled to violence. They cut her clothes, they pressed rose thorns onto her stomach, and one even pointed the gun at her, but another person from the public interfered before the first could do anything drastic."
 A gasp involuntarily came out of Matie's throat, their hands covering their mouth in horror. Meanwhile, I continued to smile pleasantly.
 "When the six hours where over, Marina begun moving and walked among the public, looking everyone in the eye. But the people that were so brave before, now could not look at her, they avoided her eyes and ran away, escaping the confrontation that her gaze represented.
"We may not want to believe it, but in these type of situations, where there is someone unwilling or unable to fight back and there is someone else with more power or stronger, and given other right circumstances, humans will become mere animals. At that point, the bully, will easily dehumanize their victim. Because they're not fighting back, because they're not defending themselves, they're not reacting like humans are supposed to do. Instead, they become objects, and are treated like so.
"You can also think of it like preys and predators. As long as the prey doesn't fight and the predator can easily get what they want, they'll keep on coming back. Because the food is quickly to gained through this method. And so, there will be no stopping until the whole species or race is extinct.
"Thus, bullies won't stop if you ignore them. They won't lose interest. And if you don't fight back, you are, in fact, becoming something even 'lower' than them: an inanimate and unfeeling object. You're willingly taking away your humanity, while the bully still retains theirs.
"If you blindly and without caution leave your integrity and life up to the public, they could very well kill you, as Marina demonstrated. You can entrust yourself to people, there is no need to doubt the whole world and fear everyone might kill you. But not without being healthily skeptical, not without testing first, not without being prepared to fight in case it's needed.
"To sum things up, the fighting, the reacting, the standing up for yourself, the seeking help, is what keeps you human, and what will ultimately, be good advice against bullying."
 Matie smiled at me brightly but with tearful eyes.
 "I said it before, and I'll say it again. Kate, you can certainly convince anyone of anything."
 Tilting my head, my smile turned that much brighter at the compliment. I just hoped this ability, this power of mine that Matie so admired, would stay with me in the future. Just like I convinced Matie today, I wanted to be able to convince the victims of bullying, other kids, parents, teachers, and everyone in every case I ever work with, of the same thing: ignoring bullies and bullying was not and would never be a solution.
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Referenced Marina Abramovic performance
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Prompt: 27. Write a compelling argument pushing the worst advice you’ve ever been given.
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rigelmejo · 4 years
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random notes about drawbacks/positives of mia:
My biggest incompatibility with the massive immersion approach (and in general a lot of good modern study methods) is I hate flashcards. It’s not that I dislike them as a concept - I am just super bad at concentrating on them. I am NOT good at doing the following: focusing on small bits of information, studying for short periods but Regularly, Reviewing Regularly, and sometimes I just genuinely can’t retain small concentrated reading sentences to the point it takes me 10 MINUTES a flashcard in order to understand/study it. As you can imagine, that last part is NOT efficient, and ends up making flashcards even slower for me as a study method then they’re ever meant to be. I can’t control when I’m unable to figure out/concentrate on small bits of information, so some months flashcards work as intended for me (I can review 10-20 in 10 minutes), but other months suddenly 10 flashcards takes me an hour. So I am not good at sticking to flashcards consistently - once the hard months hit, I don’t keep up with reviews, because they suddenly take way more time then they ‘should.’ However, when I can focus I try to make up the difference - and do 20-100 cards a day while I have the ability to do flashcards at a regular pace. On the upside, I’m proof you can do the SRS flashcard reviews, in a very chaotic way, and still get benefits. How I’ve done flashcards: cram 300-1000 in a couple weeks to a month, including whatever reviews I need. 2nd month - review if I can still focus, and do a few new cards (like 5-15 a day at most). By the time I can’t focus, most words are relatively-known and I only would need to review them once a week or every few weeks - if I COULD focus on reviews. However, I only actually review once a month or less at this point - and I’ll only review 20ish cards usually in that rare instance, unless I have a good day. I will not usually review the majority of those cards until my next burst of can-focus-on-flashcards usually in 2-3 more months. I have done all my flashcards THIS INCONSISTENTLY, and I’ve still retained a lot of what I studied. What I think helps: immersing in other content when you can’t do flashcards, so that you’re often still being exposed to words you studied (so they’re easier to not forget even though you stopped doing flashcards). So yeah... inconsistent flashcards, and some immersion exposure, and I was able to keep some of the gains SRS flashcards generally provide people. I can’t do flashcards consistently, and I usually have to do them in big-chunks then abandon them, but they do help me boost up how much I know when I DO use them.
More regarding my incompatibility with mia. The big thing is: I’m just not a flashcard person, not a consistent person. I have to vary what I’m doing regularly, or I burn out/struggle to focus. When I was in school, I would do the following to study: take notes/focus intently when being taught, then read the textbook/materials if I needed more help. Before tests, or to ‘review’ I would reread my notes from beginning to end of what I needed to remember. This would refresh my memory. If I still forgot/did not understand anything, I’d pinpoint that info in the book/ask my teacher/go online etc and try to just focus most of my ‘harder’ studying on those parts I was struggling with. Usually just taking notes/focusing, then reviewing everything in bulk right before I needed it (so maybe once every few weeks), was enough. When I couldn’t take notes, I would instead skim through book chapter summaries, and rewatch lecture videos if there was a digital copy - focusing most on the videos when info I forgot/sounded like key information was mentioned. Basically - notes, summaries, short cheat sheets, were all my friends. For tests like math and physics, I would read my notes AND make mini-sheets of all key formulas and how to do them/what I needed for them (usually I already had a sheet I just kept adding to over time/rereading). I could not use flashcards back then - I couldn’t focus, not consistently, not the way they’re meant to be used. It took me too long to even make them to warrant them being useful to me (I take SO long to make flashcards, its also a focus issues - also why when I do SRS flashcards I usually just grab some premade deck cause it keeps me MOVING and actually STUDYING instead of getting frozen in a task). 
This has always been my go-to study method. When I started chinese, this is how I learned 400 characters/basic words.  I bought a reference book with mnemonics, and would make myself read through it (as if it were notes I took). Occasionally I’d flip through old pages again, just to see if I still recognized old stuff, but mostly I just kept moving forward. So like - flip back every couple weeks to skim old pages, but read forward every day. I got through half the book before I burned out (because... reference books with their short entries of information? a lot like flashcards in structure, except thankfully I don’t regularly review afterwards like I would with flashcards).  It still took me 10-20 minutes for 10 entries in the book, but unlike flashcards it was a one-time task. When I got done, I had learned them pretty well - and I didn’t do anything to review them. They were just reviewed with immersion naturally, and eventually when I started studying common words these characters came up again (so if I forgot any, I relearned them easier then). This approach is roughly how I learned all words not in my premade-flashcard decks. I’ll read a chinese book - just start reading through it, looking up words I want to learn. I don’t review them, I don’t look them up again. Sometimes, maybe once a month, I’ll reread an old chapter to see what progress I’ve made - and then lookup unknown words then, as review since I didn’t remember them the first time. It sucks in a way... that SRS flashcard style study methods just.... do not work consistently for me. They are still beneficial, because in short month bursts I can quickly learn 500-1000 things with SRS (which is faster than some classes introduce words). But overall I have to rely on other study methods. Which for me feel inconsistent in progress since I can’t measure it as easy lol!  Even with no SRS, doing ‘bursts’ of this read-intensively note-like materials, then very occasionally skim old material again, does seem to work out okay for me. Back when I learned to read french, I did no flashcards. I looked up a common words list (and used my class vocabulary lists). I read through them once. Before tests (if for class), or every few weeks, I re-read/skimmed the word lists. By 3-4 months I learned the first 500 words. Then, since french has a lot of ‘similar’ sort of words, I just sort of dived into reading and then picked up words mostly that way - just checking a word list every month or so to review known words and make sure I didn’t have some big gap of missing vocabulary. 
So I guess: for me the biggest positive in mia is the suggestion to immerse often, frequently, and with a variety of materials. So that you practice different skills, learn a variety of things - and so you can move to something you like, if you get bored/unable to focus on one specific type of material. With mia you can read novels for a month, then get sick of reading and just watch shows/listen to podcasts when you walk, then if you’re burnt out from that you can just browse social media and check out fanfics/manhua/friends posts in the language for a few days or weeks before picking up longer materials again. The point is just to find ways to immerse, and do it. Simple advice. SUPER simple advice. But incredibly useful - every single time I add more immersion, I notice a boost in my comprehension. I notice actual improvement over time. I can’t pinpoint ‘why’ it happens, so unfortunately I’m not sure which complementary study methods or ways of immersing are helping me precisely with improvement in which skills. But I can tell that I am improving. I would 100% agree that immersing more is worth trying, at any language learning stage, as much as you want to. I immersed in the first months in both french and chinese, and I did much better than with japanese (where I did not immerse for 2 years and so my level stayed A1 beginner for like 2 years...). My French last time it was tested was around B1, which is fine since I just wanted to read and guess where my skills are closer to A2 and dragging it down? (Yes. Yes of course its speaking ability, of course). My chinese as far as I can pinpoint it is around HSK 4, as far as material I can easily read/listen to, as far as the practice tests I can take online. (Which, again, I’d self evaluate and say my comprehension is at HSK 4 or higher - I definitely can rely on good ability to guess meanings with hanzi and my comfort following grammar easily to boost comprehension a bit higher, but my speaking/writing is lower and I definitely only feel totally comfortable discussing topics that are manageable at HSK 3 - and my production grammar-wise is understandable but SO full of ‘this is the wrong way, use this instead’ which I’m working on...). So like... I got much farther in a year with each language I immersed in - even with the limited immersion I do actually do! So more immersion - better.  While I’m on the topic of immersion: if you like reading, read often and early. I am better off for telling myself “its not hard to read” and just diving in the deep end. Was it hard? ahahaha yes. ;w; But, I realize if I’d put off reading until say HSK 4 or HSK 5 knowledge in chinese, reading would be EVEN HARDER because I’d be so much worse at quickly reading through grammar/gathering context clues. Reading is a mix of actual reading skill, and vocab. I built up a lot of the actual reading skill by starting to try to read super early. So now my main struggle is generally just lack of vocabulary - and since I understand all surrounding grammar very well, its easier for me to roughly-guess at unknown words function and still follow the gist of what’s going on. Reading early also means, for words and hanzi I DO already know, I learned to recognize the many contexts/phrases they show up in and the various words they combine into earlier. So again, when I’m looking at a new text the hardest words are new vocab made of ALL unknown hanzi - if I know one hanzi in the word, it’s something I can often approximately guess the meaning of especially when I understand the entire rest of the sentence. If a new word is spelled with all known hanzi, I can look it up once or twice and generally remember it very fast - since its connected to what I already know. If I had waited to read until I’d learned more vocab, I would have less of a reading skill foundation to rely on right now. And based on what I’ve read of at least some people’s experiences on chinese-forums.com, many readers will go through a STEEP uncomfortable period when starting to read chinese. Something vocab does not totally mitigate. I think it just takes many hours, of the reading skills getting less and less hard, and then eventually things get more comfortable. There is also the issue of ‘comprehensible’ reading material - depending on your tolerance for ambiguity, chinese can be painfully incomprehensible for a long time. Generally people feel comfortable once they comprehend 98% of a material. But in chinese, even once you learn thousands of vocab, depending on your reading skills and abilities to ‘guess from context clues’, you will not be at 98% yet. Even if you can guess from context clues, that isn’t solid comprehension its still ambiguously understood material. So to get used to reading chinese as a learner, you have to start getting used to how it feels to read stuff only 80% comprehensible. Only 90% comprehensible. And if you get good and learn a lot of vocab and grammar and understand it better when you see it - 95%. Which is still not the range of ‘comfort’ yet. The quicker you learn to not be stressed by the ambiguity, the less painful reading becomes. And the more tolerable it is, the more you can read, and the quicker you can learn more, and the quicker you’ll REACH 95% to 98% comprehensibility. But if its so painful you refuse to keep reading, to keep using reading to push comprehensibility up... it is going to be a long way until you hit 98%... Graded readers are great, and give you stepping stones to transition this experience. Graded readers are MADE to be 98% comprehensible at different learning levels, so they will FEEL comfortable. And if they do feel uncomfortable (because you don’t have high enough comprehension), then they will at least drag your comprehension up - and still be more tolerable than the alternative of even LESS comprehensible native speaker chinese language materials. Basically though... find a way to force yourself through the harder ‘intolerable’ early parts. It happens whether you know 500 words or 2000. So you’ll have to do it eventually. I get demotivated if I’ve ‘studied a lot and still understand nothing’ so my foolish self dived off the deep end at 500 words, then at 1000, then at 1500, then at 2000. Cause I kept trying to read, being frustrated at its difficulty and stopping after a few weeks, then trying again once I’d learned more! But wow did that early trying pay off. Now that I DO know more words, if nothing else the comparison of how NICE it feels to read now in comparison to in the past, motivates me a ton. If I just started reading recently, and all I knew was it felt ‘this hard’ then I might want to give up. But like... when I started, and knew 500 words, my graded readers were PAINFUL. Genuinely intimidating. Once I pushed through one? They felt easy as pie, and graded readers at that vocab-level felt so easy they got boring. Now I find graded HSK 4 material and usually read through it super fast or don’t even bother. So I can 1. read more comfortably. And 2. because I’ve BUILT up a higher tolerance to ‘ambiguity discomfort’ I can allow myself to read harder materials if I do want to - because I can still TELL it feels easier than it used to. 
Finally, about MIA the study method as a concept. So... either because the site is long and people don’t like to finish reading, or maybe the writer is not good at summaries - but people often get confused about how to do it. Particular detail questions about how to do ‘this specific suggested activity’ make sense. But there’s a lot of people who ask “do I just turn on the language shows, and?? How do I learn?” Which, fair enough. So, as I understand it, here’s a summary: You want to learn a language. Find yourself a grammar guide - a free website, a book, whatever. Read the summary/guide, or skim it, whatever gives you a ‘preview’ of the language’s structure and what you’ll be getting used to over time. You will use this guide to reference later in the future, whenever grammar in stuff you see confuses you. You can use multiple guides later to reference. Right now, just zoom through a guide and get a general sense of the language you’re abut to learn. You can also wait to do this step until later, whenever you want. The sooner you do it, the sooner grammar will be less mysterious to you. Find yourself a pronunciation guide. Go through it, you don’t have to be a perfectionist about ANYTHING you do before or after this. Just go through, listen to it all, try to notice how its different from your own language. Notice if there’s any major differences like tones, sounds or patterns your own language doesn’t have. You don’t need to memorize, you’re just becoming aware that these aspects exists and are different. Again, this is to get you used to the language you’re about to dive into. This should probably be done early on. Look up some info about the writing system, if it is different from your own language’s. You will probably find some explanation introductory articles for beginners. If there’s any explanations about how it works, or why it’s like it is, read through it. This will help you understand the system better. You don’t need to memorize - although you may want to save a couple hundred common words, or a copy of all the letters, or a copy of a couple hundred common characters, or a copy of the radicals that combine to make characters. Read over this copied info a few times every once in a while, as you’ll see these things a TON once you start immersing.  You find yourself a premade deck of SRS flashcards (use Memrise app, Anki program/website, some alternative) of common words in that language - ideally in sentences, but single-words work if that’s all you can find. Ideally with audio - but again, whatever you can find. You may also find an SRS deck of characters (like Heisig Remember the Kanji)/writing system specific info, if you want, to go through that deck early on to help you more with recognizing the writing system as you encounter it.  Whatever decks you get, you will study those for 10-30 minutes a day. You can start doing this from day 1. (Or be like me and be inconsistent about it - just try to keep progressing forward and learning new material, even if you don’t always study. For me it was better always to move onto new stuff, instead of review, if I only had time to do one out of the two things.) Find yourself stuff to immerse with - shows, stories, audios, comics, social media, whatever. You will try to immerse every day, and try to immerse as much as you enjoy. Do this from day 1. When immersing: use either the language you are studying’s subtitles or else none at all. When watching/listening - look up words as desired, mainly though focus on context and trying to understand as much of the gist of what’s going on as you can. Over time you will pick things up. For reading - look up words as desired, and in the beginning you may look up a TON of words because you need to look up at least enough to follow the Bare Minimum Gist of What The Main Plot is. You NEED to understand at least basic context, with whatever your immersion material is, in order to learn new words from context. So: you might start with reading simple graded readers. You might use shows/books/audio of things you’ve already experienced in english, so the context is clearer to you. You might read summaries in english ahead of time. If you need more context in order to use immersion to learn any new things - then go ahead and give yourself more context. Immersion will feel difficult at first, the joy is watching you start to just ‘naturally’ pick up more. Audio immersion - for some of this, you do not need to attempt to ‘understand the gist of the plot’, you can just use it to attempt to pick out all the specific words in the language, the language’s rhythm, and get used to the language. If you’re only using an audio to learn the sounds of a language, you can probably use it as ‘background sound’ while doing other daily things, since it won’t require as constant focus as it would if you were trying to catch every single word you knew as you listened. There you go. You’re all set. Do this for a year and see where your progress is at. Quit doing this if you aren’t seeing some improvements, since if that’s the case a different study method may be better for you. Don’t do this method if you don’t like it - whatever gets you to study, is the right methods for you. No point doing something that doesn’t work for you. Eventually, as you make progress, you will decide on goals and notice mistakes/shortcomings in your skills. When that happens, add additional study materials/tasks as needed to focus specifically on those things as desired. For example - if you notice your pronunciation sucks, you may start using audio-focused flashcards, or go through a pronunciation guide again more carefully-thoroughly this time. Or - you realize your writing is bad, so you go through a grammar guide again and do the exercises, and get language partners and write to them regularly so that you get corrections. Eventually, you finish a common word flashcard deck - find a new deck, or make one, with new words you want to learn or need to based on your goals. The massive immersion approach is a basic plan of immerse-while-paying-attention+study new words/review words regularly, it doesn’t include every single thing you might do or want to do. 
Anyway, mm. tldr: massive immersion approach suggests doing immersion of all kinds, from day 1. I couldn’t agree more, every time I add more immersion when studying a language it helps so significantly and over time. however, mia also has half of it’s study method based on SRS flashcards - if you are not a flashcard person like me, my alternative study ‘method’ above works. It’s not perfect, its probably not as effective. But it works if you can’t focus on SRS flashcards reliably. Finally, I summarize mia a little. 
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