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red-moon-at-night · 10 months

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Let's talk a little bit about Mahiru's boyfriend

This post is alternatively titled "Mahiru's Boyfriend Probably Had An Eating Disorder And I Am Very Sad About It So Now You Get To Be Sad About It With Me" but that felt a bit much in the bold title font so I'm trying to tone this down at least a little bit :')

So I was reading this wonderful post earlier (you should too btw it has a LOT of interesting information), and as I was going through the food section something clicked in my brain. Pieces of information that were drifting aimlessly before quickly came together for me and I almost wish they hadn’t because oh boy is it depressing.

Now, nothing I’m about to say here is explicitly stated - but I do think it is strongly insinuated, through the MVs of both ‘This Is How To Be In Love With You’ (TIHTBILWY what an acronym wow) and ‘I Love You’. I am aware that the latter video has a lot of metaphorical imagery, but I still think some of this imagery can be taken in a literal sense to reinforce ideas established in TIHTBILWY.

TW/Trigger Warnings: discussion of eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.), discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Please take these into consideration and stay safe!

credit to iaobug’s transcribed images from ‘This Is How To Be In Love With You’ used below btw!

Now I’ve always had an inkling this could be possible, but I didn’t realise until recently there was this much evidence supporting a little idea of mine dancing around in my head.

But First, Some Quick Definitions and Criteria

First things first, I think we should briefly clarify what an eating disorder is and what eating disorder I think Mahiru’s boyfriend most likely had.

Here are some definitions:

Eating disorders are behavioral conditions characterized by severe and persistent disturbance in eating behaviors and associated distressing thoughts and emotions. They can be very serious conditions affecting physical, psychological and social function. (source)

An eating disorder is a mental health condition where you use the control of food to cope with feelings and other situations. (source)

And here are some brief introductions to several types of eating disorders:

The most common eating disorders are:

anorexia nervosa – trying to control your weight by not eating enough food, exercising too much, or doing both bulimia – losing control over how much you eat and then taking drastic action to not put on weight binge eating disorder (BED) – eating large portions of food until you feel uncomfortably full

Other specified feeding or eating disorder (OSFED) – A person may have an OSFED if their symptoms do not exactly fit the expected symptoms for any specific eating disorders.

(source)

Okay, so we have some basic information down, cool! This is not fully comprehensive but it will do for the purposes of this segment.

So what eating disorder do I believe Mahiru’s boyfriend had?

I’m not sure! The information we have is not conclusive enough for me to confidently pick an option. What I will say is most likely, and most common, is OSFED and the concept of the eating disorder cycle. People’s symptoms will often overlap with multiple diagnoses, or shift from one mode of behaviour (e.g. the restrictive eating behaviours found in anorexia) to another (e.g. binge eating and following compensatory behaviours found in bulimia).

Things are often not as clear-cut or black and white as we’d like to imagine.

Let’s move onto looking at the MVs, shall we?

This first music video has a wealth of information hidden in its cute magazine-style annotations and imagery - information that, when you look a little closer and consider the bigger picture, raises all the alarm bells in my mind.

Parts of ‘This Is How To Be In Love With You’ That Make Me Pause In Concern, In Chronological Order:

The Bread

Let's start off with a not very obvious one.

One of the first things we learn about Mahiru’s soon-to-be-boyfriend (which by the way this is literally the 2nd time he’s mentioned) is ‘wow he buys a lot of bread’. Insignificant on its own, I know, but consider this through my lens if you will: my man has bought 5 whole baguettes from a bakery. Not 2 or 3, but 5. Actually, on closer inspection there's even more bread of a different type at the bottom of that bag too. These aren’t store-bought, they’re fresh and will probably go stale in a few days. Pray tell, if the man is not eating baguette for breakfast lunch and dinner over the course of 72 hours... why did he buy so much fucking bread?

What comes to mind when I see this is binge eating. Bread is one of the most common binge foods out there; anything with high carbohydrates or high fat content, in fact, often due to its “unhealthy” or “forbidden” nature.

We'll just have a quick look at Mahiru's comment again:

"I thought to buy the same bread he did, but this is far too much for me to eat... ><

I forgot to ask how many calories there are..."

If it hasn't been established by now with the MV's aesthetic, Mahiru cares about her appearance. A lot. Her self-image and beauty directly ties into looking 'good' enough for others, so she can find the love of her life and please him with her looks.

If Mahiru is also calorie counting, this does not bode well for their relationship. I should probably speak in past tense, actually... Mahiru's own self-image behaviours made her blind to her boyfriend's self-image behaviours. There we go.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

So, We have an indication of binge eating behaviours. Remind me again what comes after binging?

The Jogging Hobby

Oh, that’s right - purging.

Excessive exercise is an indirect method of purging/compensatory behaviour found in bulimia. A more commonly known purging method is self-induced vomiting, but that's certainly not the only way to counteract excess calories.

So the jogging, while harmless in isolation, is starting to paint an ever-so-slightly worrying picture.

Again, let's take a look at Mahiru's comment:

"I had a chance to chat with him today, and he mentioned his hobby was jogging. ... I haven't exercised this much in ages... I'm totally exhausted..."

The only hobby (not hobbies but hobby, singular) that we learn the boyfriend has is this. Sure, there's one movie that he also likes... but that's it. There's not much else to him! So when the two most prevalent ideas attached to this guy are 'food' (in excess) and 'exercise' (in excess)... you can see where I'm going with this.

And by the way, the post I linked at the very beginning? Well, they worked out the location of where this running loop is, and judging by Mahiru’s position and direction it would suggest she’s already jogged about 5km and beginning another loop. So we’re looking at a jog ranging from 5-10km (or more)...

The Alcohol

Okay, here's a quick pop quiz question for you. Who is more likely to get drunk on the same volume of alcohol: a 5"1 woman, or an average height (5"7 in Japan) man?

In theory, it should be the 5"7 man on the basis of his height and size. Alcohol tolerance goes up the bigger you are.

So why is it that the boyfriend ended up blackout drunk, and Mahiru... didn't?

Let’s take a look at the comment:

“My first date at a bar, how heartpounding!

Here is where I learned he’s the biggest lightweight I’ve ever met! ...or maybe I’m just really good at holding alcohol?

Whatever the case, blackout drunk him is so cute!”

Three possible options:

Mahiru really can 'hold her liquor'. Judging by her sheltered home life and general lack of adult life experience though, I'm gonna press x to doubt here sorry mappi.

The boyfriend drunk more alcohol than Mahiru. Also unlikely, as she calls him a 'lightweight' and I think she would've highlighted this in her comment.

He drank on an empty stomach. Alcohol absorbs way faster if you haven't had anything to eat beforehand. This, I think is the most likely scenario.

Here's a little more on the subject that I found interesting:

You absorb 20 per cent of alcohol into your bloodstream through your stomach and the rest into your bloodstream through your small intestine.

Drinking a small amount of alcohol stimulates your appetite because it increases the flow of stomach juices. A large amount of alcohol dulls your appetite and can cause malnutrition. (source)

What have we learnt so far?

So we’ve established some concerning behaviours here.

He eats in excess

He exercises in excess

He drinks in excess (on an empty stomach)

I’m actually going to move onto material from the ‘I Love You’ MV, but intertwine it with some of the remaining points from TIHTBILWY.

At this point the relationship has progressed, we’re moving into winter which brings with it the holiday season! Yay! Except not yay, because things are starting to look really bad for Mahiru’s boyfriend. We've gone from this:

To this:

The carousel was fine at first but now it’s taking its toll on him. Both of them have tattered clothes but Mahiru looks optimistic, whilst the boyfriend looks very distraught. His cheekbones are visible and overall he looks a lot less healthy. I guess this is a good time to point out how distinct and visible his collarbone has been this entire time by the way? He’s even bonier than before. Not great.

A lot of events occur at this time of year, such as Christmas (celebrated between couples in Japan as more of a lovers holiday) and new years. What happens a lot during that period of time? Food. Lots of it. This point in the year is not ideal for someone suffering from a worsening eating disorder. This is a period of time which someone would want to move very quickly from because they can’t see the end of it.

I think it’s time to read Mahiru’s comment from day 15:

“Happy new years! To celebrate, we went to a shrine.

Predictably, I already have my wish in mind.

May we stay like this until the end of time.

May nobody stand in my way”

She, on the other hand, is very happy for things to remain as they are.

Day 16 - AKA, Oh No Things Have Gone Terribly Wrong

This is where the narrative hits its climax and everything starts to snowball.

Now, we reach this scene where the boyfriend stops walking and breaks down. He kneels on the ground, digs his nails into it, and pleads for... something. Help? An intervention? A stop to this carousel that’s doing him no good and only making his health (physical and mental) worse?

He never speaks. It is a silent plea.

One that Mahiru misses.

Saying I love you but doing what I did, I know I have no right, crossed and covered in sin

My love, it scored an own goal, destroyed my love and me with its weight

Tell me, oh tell me why, can’t I just do it right

What did you do, Mahiru?

I believe that this scene and response:

Is directly parallel to this event:

As in, they’re the same thing.

One more comment to read:

He’ll be in for a big, delicious surprise once he gets home!

I’ve made SO many notes about his favorite foods, and practiced my butt off!

I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he sees it all.

Her love - her surprise buffet to cheer him up - scored an own goal, so to speak.

I don’t think I need to say much about this picture, or this scene. She’s giving him excess but that excess is literally driving him over the edge. The nuance is lost between them, and they both need different things from each other and they’re not getting it. Cake to rats, rats to cake.

They’re back on the carousel, spinning around and around with things never changing, no end in sight.

I want to end on this frame of the MV. You see the pole behind the boyfriend? It’s reminding me of rope, and of a certain visual at the end of the video. The juxtaposition of Mahiru forcing her ‘love’ onto him, and of suicidal ideation being the only way off this ride and his problems.

#milgram #mahiru shiina #analysis #long post #eating disorder tw #anorexia tw #bulimia tw #this is how to be in love with you #ai nan desu yo #I love you #daisuki #I DID THE THING and it's... long. and sad :(#this was a really interesting interpretation to write! it's certainly not bulletproof but I truly believe this guy had problems in life #and mahiru couldn't have changed that fact. did she help? not really! did things get bad bad? y. yeah. but! ...#...I have nothing uplifting to say here. her love was plentiful and well meaning but woefully misguided </3 #I genuinely care about this nameless character now... he looks so happy at the start embracing her and im certain in better--#--days between them they were having a great lovey dovey time!! ugH my heart it hurts.....#if there's typos it's because it's late and I'm tired LMAO

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theflyingfeeling · 2 days

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so we went to the Nokia Arena show and it looked so cool and it sounded so cool and I was dancing and singing and screaming and Niko played a medley on the piano and brb I'm gonna paint red BC logos on my piano too and he also rapped in Finnish ("kun mä huudan havuja te huudatte PERKELE") and they dressed in white and played the Backstreet Boys cover and it was so much fun and we went to the offical after party and they came to say hi there too (minus Niko) and Samy was there and I talked to him and Tommi walked right past us when we were about to leave and I said "hi" and he said "yeah pls leave me alone" and a lot of fun was had in the form of laughing and dancing and singing and I love you all can we do this again immediately pls pls pls I don't wanna go back to living my boring life 😭

#gig reports by theflyingfeeling #i had so much fun but idk the majority of the crowd on the floor was so...passive? that's the only complaint i have 💀#i only took one video bc i just wanted to exit the fuck out of my emotions and i find it easier to do without a phone in my hand these days #i wish i did have more videos though but i trust in the tiktok kids to post a whole lot of them soon #(i mean they better lol what else were you standing so still for)#i also noticed i never wrote anything about the show in gdansk but it was amazing as well and we had the best fun there too had great spots #(i posted one video from there but i'm shadowbanned apparently so you can only view it on my blog)#the city it was so pretty as well?? i can't wait to go back there again some day

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 7 months

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"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"

#tw suicide #i wish i was joking #i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me??#said something to the emergency room psych #she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended #she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds'#i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i #could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence #is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts?#this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he #could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs #i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the #boy. i have confided in her before she's great)#she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m #to see the psych and escalate care #but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly #it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan #i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access #i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't #there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that #makes sense #ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD #personal #puddleglum hours

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keeps-ache · 6 days

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wink blink look !!

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital art #sona #ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhgghhhh #am i RIGHT guys hfhvs #:33 #//not many thoughts recently #not many thoughts for a while actually lol #must've talked myself weary! huh!#/let me try at this though - i feel like i have some little part of my brain that's all stopped up #it's been like that for a minute !#/ah but a question - do you ever stand by a bit of forest and hear what are distinctly Whispers ?#i know it's definitely the wind but it's fun to think it's anything else lol :>>#ghosts or fairies or the road down the hill for whatever reason #/oh and speaking of hearing i got a weird + shrill + loud tone in my ear the other day and it just didn't happen again #a sudden EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and then it stopped lmao #funky stuff man. wonder what's up with that hfhs #//anyway i'm working on my artfight references rn lol :)#i've finished one! what a miracle!! hfsh-#it looks a lot better than the one last year like Wow. don't think the same person made these you know what i mean hfh #//ah i've also started using padlet for realsies this time :>#it's a neat spot - it's gonna be great to just have the palettes i need on another device loll #that's the biggest problem i have on this planet! having to scroll my blog for palettes is not the most fun thing hfsh #/anyway gonna get back to it!!#i'm sort of tired but i Really wanna make kira and hid's this yearrr #they are very ~+~+~ <3 ~+~+~ to me lol :>>#so toodles ! here i go again hfhsv

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leafy-m · 11 days

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I got Witch Hat Atelier Kitchen volume 3 a little early and guys.... GUYS!! THIS is what Kitchen in English should be like! 💥💝💖

If you like Orufrey, you have got to get volume 3!

#I don't know if the homophobic supervisor or whoever got moved to another project or what... BUT THANK YOU! 💝💝💝#FINALLY! SOME GOOD FOOD!#I mean I am still side-eyeing the end of chapter 30 because Olruggio's line Should be about how they're finally living under the same roof.#BUT OH MY GOD what a difference everything else makes #They mention alcohol! They admit the loop chalices are usually for wine!!#The word choices for how delicious the food is is so great!#I'm gonna have to look up wtf the bananas are named after but aside from that!!!#Qifrey and Olruggio can actually say each others names and they're so friggin adorable!!! 😤💝 Mr I can go all day!!#I'm so happy ya'll I can't believe it 😭💝#I feel so hopeful for volume 4 now #Also I'm half-way wondering if maybe they could revisit the translations for volumes 1 and 2 and maybe release an updated version maybe?#because I would absolutely buy those again if it were less censored and had better word choices. Just putting it out there! ❤#Like maybe after volume 5 do a box-set with a little bonus item maybe and secretly slide-in the more accurate and better translated version #I'd buy it! I'd be first in line!!#Just sayin!#Witch Hat Atelier Kitchen #Witch Hat Kitchen #Orufrey #Witch Hat Atelier #Also there's some REALLY cute moments with the girls #(I say; as a total afterthought; sorry I'm so transparent lmao)#Jade talks WHA

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void-chara · 1 year

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holy SHIT eclipse federation is so cool oh my gosh. this zam stream is SO GOOD. hes their sun their guide he keeps them grounded and reminds them what they fight for and what is right. AAAAAAA. vitalasy and subz could be gods and zam is mortal and hes there to question them they WANT him to question them AAAAAAAA. gay people. i NEED to draw fanart.

also like. the glitch?? WOW. flying like creative mode flying in SURVIVAL. and vitalasy is ALSO responsible for poopies along with spoke? wow!! AND THE PLAN. the plan! wowww. i need to draw some fucking fanart of like full godmode subz and vitalasy with zam. woww. minecrafters are sooo gay.

and like! its so good! theyve been thinking about him for so long and when zam brought up his anxieties they were so receptive and told him so much they literally. they. they care! about him! so much!! they wanted him there specifically so that his worries will keep them grounded and remind them of what the normal players of the server want!

and like. theyre trusting each other! they communicated! communication!! theyre all opening up to each other mcyts are SO gay fr. and zams got his Issues still be hes tryign hes trying to communicate with them and theyre being sooo receptive and AAAAAA. and and and. i just.

gay people. i need to create fanart i need to draw them i need to read fanfic i need to TALK ABOUT THEM . but noneee of my usual friends i go to to info dump watch lifesteal aaaaa.

WAIT WHAT. i just switched over to the vitalasy stream and he said if he wanted he could literally use this glitch to shut down hypixel?? oh my gosh

and like. also going back a bit WHY was that sign labeled lifesteal season 5?? and also what was in the other 64 pages of the journal?? and theres another book too??

i just. AAAAAAAAAAAA. i need to draw them. i am sooo incoherent except not really bc i just wrote a lot of words actually. um. WOW. wow. i am experiencing a catagory 5 autDHD moment right now. oh my gosh. i fucking love minecrafters this is so cool

#lifesteal smp #liveblogging #eclipse federation #princezam #vitalasy #itzsubz #hoooolly shit i am shaking rn #been having an awful day and these streams are making me feel so much better #oh gosh you know that post where its about people worrying when they info dump about fave characters bc what if they misinterpreted them #thats me rn. i am not having a great time for unrelated reasons and i also have memory problems and issues interpreting peoples meanings #sometimes. so like i am soooo anxious what if i am accidentally spreading misinformation right now that would suck i would cry #i already almost cried earlier bc wisdom teeeth are causing pain i dont wanna cry again

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giggly-squiggily · 8 months

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Heyo 👋 (Hiatus Update)

Hey! I'm still on my hiatus and probably won't be back for another week or so- no real dates or promises but more a vibe-but I wanted to pop in and give y'all a little update since my hiatus post.

I'm better, though not great- but I'm getting there. To be honest, it's kinda difficult to make this little update, and I'm not even going into details about anything, hehe.

The biggest thing I wanted to say is a huge, huge thank you to everyone. Your condolences and messages really helped me get through this, and while I'm still processing it all, I'm beyond grateful to y'all. My heart goes out to those who've lost someone beloved as well; be it a pet or a person- my heart goes out to you and your loved ones through these difficult times.

(God, and I thought 2020 was bad! /hj)

I think I'm gonna try coming back sometime in September/October? No promises but I think I'll be okay enough to return around then. How I feel upon posting this will be my deciding factor lols. I did finish the last few days of Tickletober (yay! :D) so that's something to look forward to, and I updated my Fluffy Forecast (even if I'm not on, I'll still update it for y'all- it gives me something to do, you know?)

Writing wise is still...hesitant. Some fandoms like Spy x Family and Buddy Daddies might be on the backburner due to recent events (that said, please don't be afraid to send prompts/requests in for them; I just likely won't be touching them for a hot minute), but besides that I'm slowly getting back into writing and creating again. My dad wouldn't want me to give up on my passions and life in his passing; he raised me to be strong, and I'm gonna do that for him.

Thank you for reading! Talk to you later! <3

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martyrbat · 1 year

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true strength — batman secret files (2018) #1

(ID below cut!)

[ID: A short story with a guiding narration:

His knuckles ache with each blow, bone grinding into bone. The criminals shout what they always shout. And Superman comes from above. — We're shown Batman fighting against several men that are trying to overpower him. He blocks an attack as he strikes another man. Above him, in the far distance, Superman is soaring through the air to get to him and help.

Superman gives a speech. They've been friends for so long. Colleagues. Soldiers in the fight. Superman knows his soul, he says. He knows he's a good man, he says. — Now, in the safety of the Batcave, Batman sits in front of his computer desk. He's facing Superman, who's standing in front of him with his hand outstretched. He opens his fist to reveal what he's brought.

Inside the Phantom Zone there is an impossible universe. Inside the impossible universe is an impossible planet. On the impossible planet is a small, impossible rock. Platinum Kryptonite. — Bruce pushes his cowl off as Superman presents the radiant silver rock to him.

It gives you powers. Powers like Superman's. Superman tells him to touch it. “Just touch it, Bruce, just once, and it lasts a lifetime. Then you can fight as I fight, as you should fight. With true strength.” A smile. A whoosh. Superman leaves. — Superman leaves the Kryptonite on the desk before he departs. Bruce doesn't move any closer. He stares at it somberly, deep in thought.

He looks at the gift. His mind wanders. — A red-tinted multipanel sequence shows Bruce imagining a scenario if he did gain Superman's powers. A woman is being held hostage by the Joker. She has a gun pressed to her temple as she stares at Batman with fear. Silently begging him to help and to save her like how he's saved countless others. The Joker pulls the trigger. But before she can be another person he couldn't possibly save, Batman's eyes glow with red electricity. He vaporizes the bullet with heat vision before it can even finish leaving the barrel.

He keeps his hands at his side. His knuckles ache. At least two of them are broken. Footsteps echoing down the stairs. The smell of stirred milk and white sugar. A polite clearing of the throat. Alfred says nothing. Their routines are well established, words are unnecessary. — Bruce continues to stare intensely at the well-intended present as Alfred approaches him with a tray. Bruce finally tears his gaze away from the Kryptonite to look at his lifelong friend before looking down at the steaming teacup that Alfred hands him.

His hand shakes. His loose knuckles stab into his skin. He can’t hold on. He always has before. But now he can’t. — His hand continues to tremble and before he can take a single sip of the hot drink, the cup is shattering against the ground.

The pain is not great. Not as great as it has been. Not as great as a bullet burrowing, or a back breaking, or a knife sinking into his throat. This is nothing. But still. His knuckles ache. — Bruce grabs his own gloved hand, cradling the back of his broken knuckles. He looks up and quietly asks, “Alfred. Am I enough?”

END ID]

#happy sad boy sunday !!!#here's your reminder that imposter syndrome is something very real and something anyone can experience.#there'll always be those fears that you arent enough or capable of something. that others are better and you're a fraud #but those fears arent reality. you're where youre at and you're capable of doing these things #(rather it be art to writing to academia to saving a cursed city) because YOU put in the effort and made it possible.#just because you may struggle doesnt mean youre incapable of these things or you dont belong suddenly. it just means youre human.#its okay to struggle. its okay to have bad days even with things you been capable of doing flawlessly before. youre not suddenly #a failure. youre not lying to anyone or yourself. it just means you have to treat yourself with more patience and kindness and #remember to take a breath. remember to allow yourself to learn and grow or to approach something difficult with the wisdom that it wont #always be & that its okay to have an off day/week/month/year. youre human. these moments are going to happen. its inevitable.#you're still doing great and im proud of you for just being here. try to be proud of yourself too; u deserve it.#c: batman secret files (2018) | i: 1 #crypt's panels #transcrypts #posts from the crypt #bruce wayne #batman #superman #there's something to be said about clark trusting bruce enough to give him this opportunity but.... thats another post jdofhc

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munamania · 4 months

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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there

#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru #but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days #and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing #i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail #i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time #not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me #im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me #anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early #i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great #and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most #expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth #but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans #but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated #about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like #u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends #w yall. things happen #abby talks #and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw #a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes #OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it #was years ago but also like christ!

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sailor-aviator · 7 months

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#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point #i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one #i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit #and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair #and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again #i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl #and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it #and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill #and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with #and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own #i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person #and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks #also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me #and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now #and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do #and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this #but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me #and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end #anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down

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mar64ds · 1 year

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getting closer to february, remember that if someone that is aro says they don't like valentine's day they can just not like it, you don't need to convince them otherwise, you can still enjoy it, and a lot of aro people can enjoy it as well and that's awesome! just don't make the ones that don't like it feel bad, it's already a bad day for a lot of us

#someone that isnt aro can not like the day as well but this is about aros #me personally it doesnt affect me that much but thats just my experience #what does affect me is seeing aro people that day get treated like crap #I know you mean well with the 'it doesnt have to be about romance'#and to a lot of people this is true and they celebrate platonic love that day and thats great!#but trust me. it doesnt make everyone feel better. if anything it makes a lot of people feel worse #anyway just. be kind

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microfeelings · 8 months

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I just had a rant (with myself) about the character of Mama Jones in 2003 and how she was reduced to "haha, she babies her son and is basically looking for a babysitter for him lol" and how much I HATED that! She lost her husband to a very violent attack (implied), Casey was involved in this (also implied but for the life of me I cant get the timeline straight), the store her husband had got burned. This woman should have heeps of trauma that she most likely buried deep because SHE HAD TO RAISE CASEY ON HER OWN (I guess its implied theres an uncle or auntie bc of cousin sid, but theres no mention of them so I can only imagined they fucked right off), and she got reduced to that?? Come on 2003 you can do better. I KNOW you can do better

(Extra info on the notes bc its mostly ranting and it wouldnt make sense on the main post)

#tmnt #tmnt 2003 #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2003 casey jones #tmnt 2k3 #i hope this reaches the right audience #sometimes you have to leech onto an incredibly background character and say 'I can do better than them'#if theres one thing about me is I WONT LET A WOMAN LET ALONE A MOTHER GET DISRESPECTED LIKE THAT #add to that the possibility that casey has a traumatic brain injury? her attitude makes way more sense #shes incredibly overprotective of her bc hes the last thing she has #i mean casey probably got his ass kicked to next tuesday that day too #great now I need Splinter to have an extensive talk with her about the fact her overprotectiveness is just hurting his son #bc hes not the child that lost a father and probably had to spend time in the hospital (and everything that comes with a brain injury)#hes an adult thats actually doing pretty good independently and she needs to see that and let go to start healing her own trauma #man im emotional over this woman Ive fabricated in my mind LMAO #i would say i might write this but that would require me knowing how to do that so 👍#oh man i make some pronouns mistakes in the tags lmao (he/him she/her casey and mama jones for the win i guess)

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finexbright · 1 year

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instead of listening to a banger of a no skip album, you all are out here having a discourse about something that's not even valid in this case. just listen to the album and enjoy how hard it slaps

#like sorry but i'm honestly fucking tired of seeing ''his team isn't doing enough''#honestly his team is doing great in terms of rolling out promo and everything around it #just because his style of promo isn't the kind that other artists do doesn't mean they're not doing it correctly #like. louis' music and genre appeals to a completely different crowd and he's doing promo according to that #i don't know what you expect but his ''team'' has actually done a lot #like trying to get his music picked up on tiktok and all the twitter/ig promo all of it has been great #i know louis was sabotaged before but i do truly think he has much much more control over his music and promo this time around #so when you all say ''louis' team isn't doing promo'' you really want to say that they aren't doing YOUR standard level of promo #like. he did listening parties. he did appearances and performances. he was active on social media #and then he broke his hand and couldn't do the signings and his shows and STILL they're pushing the album hard on social media #i know we all love him and love this album but there needs to be strategies in place to get it off the ground #and it has!! the album is doing great numbers #the day you all stop comparing louis' success to other artists' success is the day you'll actually be free #you're all being so fucking irrelevant by saying all of this and doing the open letter bullshit #stop acting like you know better than louis and his actual team when it comes to things #like i know we have loads of people in the fandom who actually do know things because they work in actual marketing/promotional careers #but even then. NONE of us know louis or his team or anything about their plans. stop acting like you know better #stop acting like they're not doing things correctly #and i don't want to be rude but i KNOW this is coming from people who weren't around during walls promo and are just basing this off of #other artists promo strategies #when you compare walls promo and success to this you will realise how much active effort his team is putting into it #so yeah. just shut up and enjoy the album

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nerdie-faerie · 11 hours

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Yeah sure I'll wake up 3 hours before I need to to book a doctors appointment in person only to be told they only have one slot available and I'll have to come back again tomorrow cus they can't prebook

#ace is a grumpy bean #what do you mean appointments can only be booked at 8am same day? what happened to booking in advance #i went after class yesterday to get it sorted cus i have some health forms that need signing for summer work cus the gp is next to uni #and they were like youll have to book a double appointment at 8am tomorrow its best to do it in person cus we give out phone appointments #after weve filled in person requests so i was like fine whatever its not like i have an 11am class for once and was gonna be able to sleepin #and i only live a half hour walk away yeah sure thats exactly how i want to start my day off great #the only slot they had was at 2 which is when my afternoon class starts so im gonna have to try again tomorrow #but i dont have to be at uni tomorrow and i have a 4pm deadline that i should be focusing on so better get that done now #i still have 2 hours until class im so annoyed

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cuteniaarts · 18 days

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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl

17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019

#my art #artists on tumblr #I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already #I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that #exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together #not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know #and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again #I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly #instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her #feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time #well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system #and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her #and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result #but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind #which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever #never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor #but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself #she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret #there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end #even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again #I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing #it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day #she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much #when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was #well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed #I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home #and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me #spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure #and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes

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girlscience · 23 days

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People who don't restart/replay video games I will never understand you.

I am on my tenth? playing of SWtOR and I just figured out how stronghold design layouts work, how dye module previews work, what veteran means for the flashpoints (hint. it doesn't mean you've played it a lot so you can skip the cutscenes and just do the battle... I did have to abandon that one lol), how to properly use legacy storage, and how to successfully utilize crew skills with multiple characters. I was doing zero percent of this my first several plays. This makes my most recent two characters the best characters I have ever made. I haven't finished any of my play throughs yet, but my first several I really didn't know what the hell I was doing so they weren't good characters anyway! And I know as I get farther into these two's games I will probably learn even more things to apply to later characters. All this means I am enjoying the game significantly more now than I did when I started playing 4 years ago (jesus. I did not realize it'd been that long).

Personally, I think this is how games were meant to be played. This is exactly how I played Dragon Age Inquisition, and my only finished play through was probably something like my 15th character. I just think games were meant to be started and stopped a few hours in and restarted over and over again until you have the beginning memorized and completely understand the game mechanics, and then you can go through and play the whole game (though you should probably restart again around the middle of the game a few times just to be sure lol).

#I just don't get why you would play a game you don't want to memorize? seems wack to me #why would you want a character to start lame and get better as you learn more #rather than restarting and getting a sick character from the beginning who becomes a complete badass #why would you want to play a character where you missed things???#this is why I think I probably dislike bg3 a bit. seems too open ended #how do you optimize your character and game play when you can completely change the game every single time you play???#how can you memorize the game when you can change that much about the game every time????#seems terrible and stressful #I like a game with big world maps #a pointed main storyline that is mostly unchangeable by player actions #and a lot of side quests that you can prioritize finishing over the main storyline #in order to 100% the game and also OP your character before finishing the main storyline quests rendering them super easy #......game difficulty leveling was made for me I think now that I'm thinking about it.#play on story/easy mode till I memorize the game and then up it to normal and then hard #that is what I did with dai. played on story a Lot and now anytime I play I am on normal #I've been considering doing a hard play through but I am worried that would mean I need to use tactics and fuck that #any way. I played swtor from like 9 until about 3:30 am last night and it was great and I am having a great time #and everyone should play video games this way I think. it rocks

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