#yeah i used to post fanarts on this account years ago :) fun fact | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

toplesstopics · 1 year

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First of all, if you're even seeing this, congrats on somehow making it through the broken-ass mess that is Tumblr. Even with "show mature content" enabled, I can't type in my own blog name in the search field and get it to show up. I presume you typed toplesstopics.tumblr.com directly into your browser's URL field--if you actually stumbled in here another way, please let me know!

Basically, years and years ago, I used to use tumblr quite a bit. Then game the great porn-pocalypse, shortly after the Yahoo! merger, when tumblr started to ban everything under the sun as "sexually explicit nudity," even fanart of Pikachu and a photo of a folded-up carpet.

Then in late 2022, Tumblr announced that they're allowing NSFW content again--but with one very large caveat: anything with any hint of "nudity," which of course thanks to the patriarchy includes "female looking nipples" but not "male looking nipples," requires the "Mature - sexual themes" tag (no tag just for nudity...only "sexual themes," because again, America, puritans, patriarchy, etc--"all female nipples are nudity, and all nudity is sexual"

Worse yet, Tumblr has always been a buggy, broken mess, and remains so today. No matter how many times I try, what browser I use, etc, trying to attach the "mature - sexual themes" category to any of my posts DOES NOT WORK, it always reverts back to "for everyone," and once I post it, I get a warning from Tumblr that "They decided my post needed a mature - sexual themes category added," and if I keep trying to post female nipples without this tag, my blog will be suspended--totally ignoring the fact that I'M TRYING TO ATTACH THE CATEGORY, BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN WORK?!

Worst of all, same as on Youtube, Instagram, and all other mainstream pro-patriarchy websites--because I've had so many past posts banned/removed, my account name is on every algorithmic blacklist known to man (specifically man, not just all humans) and so all my posts get shadowbanned--they simply won't show up on timelines, or in search results. The ONLY way to see ANY of my posts, censored or not, even text posts, is to go DIRECTLY to toplesstopics.tumblr.org EVERY TIME.

Thus, I may include posts here now and again for when I start a livestream, post a new video, etc, but I will not actively use it outside of this, because there is no point. Only longtime fans dedicated enough to make a point of going directly to my blog page will ever see them, so why bother?

I invite you to go to my website at www.toplesstopics.org/contact to find the most recent list of as-yet-unbanned social media accounts, listed from least faschy to most. As haters exploit algorithms to false-report everything I post, regardless of what's in that post, I have to constantly remake accounts and start all over. It's super fun and not a waste of time at all, but if I don't do this, then no one can ever find my content. And I ain't spending 20+ hours creating each video just to hear my own self talk.

So yeah if you're seeing this and you actually want to see more of my content, don't just look for it on tumblr. This website is, like all the other patriarchal mainstream websites, a hunk of sexist broken shit, and I would not rely on "the algorithms" to show you content that doesn't make them more money, like advertisements and white nationalist rhetoric. See you elsewhere!

#censorship #tumblr censorship #banned #suspended

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chromorbid · 2 years

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If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not!

i just got so emotional over old ask chains bc of this, god you remember those days????? in 2012-2016 when this was a thing all the time and people had so much fun learning about one another and making friends??? i just happened to be looking at tags on my ollllllld second blog right before seeing this too. that feels a bit serendipitous, dont you think? :')

instead of just "3 random facts" i think i'll use this ask as a springboard prompt for a brief history of my time here on this website, since a lot of folks are returning and it might be nice to come out and see what some of my old lost chums might be up to now.

In mid-2011 i joined tumblr because i realized all my favorite dA artists were posting on dA less and on here more. I didn't do much here until i encountered a piece of fanart of a character from a certain webcomic, got curious about that comic, enjoyed it, and discovered that there was a big community on tumblr who liked it! my first ever URL was.... man i don't really remember! Maybe something reflecting my dA name at the time? But i don't remember what that was then either, having deleted that account ages ago. but i think my second one was "gamzeecryingalonewithpie" or something to that effect because the "laughing alone with salad" stock photo meme was big. It was so silly.

Eventually i trended into making all my urls/handles some sort of pun having to do with death, and some years ago i settled on my current url for a twitter handle because it really hit me in a place. My best friend and currently roommate @mossspores came up with it!

Anyhow, i basically spent all my time on tumblr being comparatively insufferable from 2011 to about 2017 before i migrated the majority of it to twitter. At the moment, I actually keep looking at all my archived posts from my old blog trying to find some old OC stuff and being ridiculously embarrassed at how silly (ignorant? abrasive? entitled?) my young self was. I'm not certain about sharing my olllllld URLs besides the one from before, but probably my most famous one was "ammodramus"--I was bestowed the nickname "Ammo" for the longest time and probably gained the most followers during the run of that one. I think the most followers i ever got up to was somewhere around 700 on my first blog and close to 1,800 on my second one. (funny now, i've had this particular blog probably the longest out of the three and barely have over 100. i like this better, though.)

Now for the BIGGEST thing i was part of....i was really into the whole once-ler fandom craze. yeah. i was there on the ground floor, and basically became one of the biggest enablers of the ask-blog phenomenon. i even tried really hard to make my own of the "personification" blogs eventually, but it fell down flat because i was in a dark place mentally on the side while also dealing with the gradual degradation of my physical ability to draw (aka painful arthritis). But i had the most fun i had ever had online before in the thick of it. i made toooons of friends and i even still keep in touch with a few of them. There were a lot of mistakes and upsetting blunders made by myself and a lot of people i knew, but these days i think i'm generally okay outing myself as having been a part of it. i mean, it's been ten goddamn years since that kicked off after all. lmfao. i was also an ignorant teenager.

Now you'll just see me skulking about on here vaguely while reblogging posts in short bursts because i still never took to figuring out how queuing posts works best. For a long-ass time i had a tagging system i took VERY seriously and trigger-tagged religiously. when i remade to my third and current blog, i gave that up and BOY did my mental health suddenly improve or WHAT. i realized i'd been absolutely running myself ragged with caring about appearances and making sure as often as possible to upset NO ONE with my posts. Basically, the way that simply analyzing every single post i shared and making sure to cover ALL my bases to make sure no one felt irked by my sharing of a post, was, uh. To put it mildly, fucking exhausting. And i posted A LOT. I can guarantee i had to have cumulatively reblogged nearly half a million posts between those two accounts. Last i checked on just my second blog, the pages went back into the 10,000s.

so yeah! hi to anyone who read through this whole thing who i knew way back when! I'm doing much better than i used to be, thanks to a lot of therapy and medication. i made it out of the house i grew up in, even the State i grew up in, and feel a lot less like i'm gonna die before 30! :') i've been chilling, playing final fantasy xiv, and eating lots of rice and vegetables. o/

thanks for the ask! <3

#combaticus #ask #wormds #ammodramus

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iaintyourbro · 4 years

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Shipping Makes Me Question My Sanity

I learned about the FFVII waifu wars after playing the remake. I played the OG many moons ago, replayed it a few years ago, but really got interested in the character dynamics after playing FFVIIR.

I foolishly looked up “Is the remake pushing Cloud and Tifa more?” I found the shipping wars... That I never knew existed.

You see, I played the OG and it was pretty clear to me that the story went a certain way. In fact, I didn’t even associate FFVII to romance.

FFVII was a story about a villain who was pissed off that a grunt killed him, so he finds a way to come back from the dead through clones that his father made to fuck with said grunt and get revenge on all the humans that wronged his Mother.

(This is my explanation in as few words as possible, because we all know explaining FFVII would take multiple posts).

So why did I look up my question about Cloud and Tifa? Well, I was shocked at how they presented them. I didn’t remember this from the OG. Like I said, I didn’t associate FFVII to romance like I did with VIII, IX, and X. Those were clear. FFVII didn’t have this as a main theme. FFVIIR created extreme sexual tension between Cloud and Tifa.

I remember when you finally found out Cloud wasn’t a SOLDIER, that he actually DID kill Sephiroth 5 years ago, and that he did come to save Tifa - he fulfilled his promise. The part when the main theme plays and he takes his helmet off... chills. Even now, I love that part. Still, I associated this with us finally getting answers to some of the weird shit that happens earlier in the game. And I was way too young and dense to understand the Under the Highwind scene.

Needless to say, I wanted to see if others had the same impression. It seems they did, and those posts were then overpowered by the other side. “Yeah, I used to ship Cloti, but the remake made me see that it’s clearly Aerith.” What? What did I miss?

So I questioned my sanity a bit. I played every quest - I did both Tifa and Aerith’s discovery quests. Until the point we get back to Tifa in Wall Market, I still was kind of iffy on how they were presenting Aerith and Cloud. They removed a lot of stuff from the OG that was a bit more direct from Cloud’s end. They also removed a lot of the jealousy scenes between Tifa and Aerith. Seems they gave all the jealousy to Cloud in other scenes.

Cloud clearly is soft with Tifa. He remembers The Promise, he calls her beautiful, you have no choice but to give her the flower. No matter what choices you make with Aerith. He still gives her the flower. He gets jealous whenever he even thinks a guy is talking about her in a romantic/sexual way.

Then I see things like “Cloud was so emotionless and mean until Chapter 8″. HOW? And this goes beyond Tifa. Cloud had a ton of character growth during the first 3 chapters, and it continued on until Chapter 8. This was not something where he suddenly turned nice to Aerith. He had a ton of people help him out before.

Take Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. Cloud was a dick to them. I mean, he really was. I was sad for Wedge, cuz I think he’s so nice, and Cloud was just mean to him. By the end of Chapter 4, he’s much nicer to them. He’s left out of their celebration, and I think maybe this was a reference to him as a child. He thought he was better than the other kids (except Tifa). He treated everybody like shit (except Tifa) in the first three chapters and Barret told him to gtfo.

Jessie made sure to let him know she wanted him there. Now, I’m not a fan of how thirsty Jessie is. I mean they REALLY slam it on you how bad she wants to get with Cloud. Cloud then says what I was thinking “Are you seriously that desperate?!” Yes, she is, and it’s obnoxious, but I think it’s a hilarious addition to the story. However, I think it was a light bulb moment that he would be included if he was a bit nicer to people.

Cloud and Barret start getting along more as time goes on as well. This is all before Chapter 8. So I actually have commented on these posts... “Did you play the first 7 chapters? Did you play the rest of the game?” There’s so many points during FFVIIR where Cloud clearly has character development outside of what Tifa and Aerith do.

They ignore this. That’s my issue. The ignore everything else in the story. They ignore reality, so that makes people like me question themselves.

It reminds me of a personal situation with my job. We had a really bad leader. Like, cruel, mean. And he got away with it for a long time. You can say, “just leave”, but I think anybody with a family knows that’s not as easy as it sounds. Not when you rely on your job for not only income, but benefits, retirement, and stability. Not when changing buildings causes months of legit mental breakdowns (imagine changing companies completely?). So, it wasn’t really an option.

The worst part during all of that was knowing and seeing the reality of what was going on and having people flat out try to tell me that what I was seeing wasn’t true. I had conversations with other co-workers who started to question their sanity. Is it us? Are we the problem? Are we wrong? What are we missing? And that’s tough, especially when it goes on for so long.

In the real life example, there was a resolution earlier this year, where finally the guy was fired. And a lot of people were fighting him. More than you’d think. But they were scared, so they had to be careful. This is real life, not a game, so the stakes were much higher. The truth all comes out after this type of thing, and it was actually worse than we thought. There was a lot we missed, and a lot we just weren’t aware of. We weren’t crazy - there was just a group of his followers trying to brainwash us in to thinking he was great.

The shipping wars give me the same feelings I had during that. I question my sanity and don’t get what I’m missing. This is beyond how you interpret the LTD. This is legit ignoring parts of the story as it’s presented. SE put these Cloti moments throughout the Remake to make a point. They have Aerith say things to make a point. They even have Aerith stop making moves on Cloud after Tifa comes back and she sees the obvious “thing” between them.

There are tons of analysis on multiple scenes and how Cloud reacts. Facial expressions tell a lot, so does voice acting. There are reasons they put these scenes in. There are reasons they are part of the main story and not part of side quests. There are reasons that the devs responded the way they did in interviews.

The Ultimania clearly talks about Cloud’s feelings. The OG talks about them.

So why do I still feel upset when I see these? Well, for one, the posters that say “I was a Cloti until..” in most cases are probably shipping the other side, but this is a great way to make people question themselves. It may make new fans not enjoy the story as much.

Then you have Twitter. And it’s a shame, because there’s some great fanart on Twitter. But, you can’t search for “tifa” without seeing some really bad posts. And it’s the same accounts over and over. There isn’t a large amount.

The entire goal of these posters is to fight people who don’t agree with them. They also start posting similar complaints about a week after the Cloti side makes them.

The most recent being that Cloti fans are going after Nojima and it’s not going to change anything. What? I saw a similar post about the C////erith side about a week or two ago. Why are Cloti’s going after Nojima? So I went through some of his posts. I found one where he posted about FF7R. The only Cloti posts I saw were thanking him. The C///erith ones were over the top trying to say how it was all C///erith and there was no Cloti in the remake. One even said that “millions of fans want Aerith to survive.” No, I’d say the majority of fans want the original plot points to stay.

Nojima himself liked a fanart of himself... where they called him the Cloti king.

So where are the Cloti’s going after Nojima? I only saw praise...

The next new one is that C///eriths aren’t racist and Cloti’s are. I’ve seen this argument in reverse as well. It seems they scope out some things and repost them in the opposite argument.

I just don’t understand the extreme nature. You can ship who you want, but you can’t erase parts of the story to make it work. Why even bother playing the game? The romance aspect is SO SMALL in the OG.

In the remake its a bit heavier, but it’s different times. Sex sells. Let’s add some spice to the game, and they did. I felt no sexual tension between Cloud and Aerith. Jessie tried HARD. The only mutual tension felt was between Cloud and Tifa. That deep, dear lord please do something to release this tension, feeling. Cloud and Aerith had cute little moments similar to a Disney movie or a kids movie. Tifa and Cloud had the moments you see in more mature things.

Some of these moments are optional - the resolution scene you can technically avoid every time you play if you choose to. The Clotiscrew tunnel roll is a bit harder unless you KNOW you can avoid it and/or are terrible at the game. You literally have to try hard to mess up to not get that scene.

The Clotiscrew tunnel scene is also hilarious to watch people react to. Cuz you do feel like you need to take a quick walk to cool off from that heat. Even my husband who doesn’t give a shit was like “wow, yeah, okay, that’s... intense.”

It didn’t have to be, it could have been a roll and release, but he holds her and says “You okay?” in that soft af voice THAT HE ONLY USES ON HER. Her response is equally sexy. Then they get up and stare. Once again, not necessary.

All the “unnecessary” touching that goes on is fun to point out. People are still finding moments, I think. During battles, in the background during other scenes. They’re making this a point. They make it a point to show shots of those two during other scenes in the game. They aren’t being subtle anymore.

So I don’t understand how you can erase all of that.

The other side has a small group that is completely shitting on Tifa to do it. I don’t see that as much on the Cloti side towards Aerith. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, I bet it does, but it’s not as easy to find. Almost EVERY shipping fight has something about Tifa’s boobs, Tifa not telling Cloud about his past, something. They make stuff up in some cases.

All of this is a way to recruit people to their side. To “convert” them. I feel bad for the streamers who like Tifa and you see a group come in to try and “correct” that thought. Why do they care so much?

Maximillian Dood doesn’t seem affected by those opinions - he’s a great supporter of Tifa as a character. He was very happy with the way they handled the remake, and that says a lot. He also has some great reactions to parts of the game. He also is a more experienced streamer, it seems.

My thoughts are... the Remake has blown expectations on how it was supposed to go. Probably a lot of fans assumed they’d make a point to build up Aerith as the love interest... but they didn’t. Tifa is in almost every chapter (2 is the exception). She is referenced multiple times in Wall Market - especially if you actually listen to the lyrics for Midgar Blues. Why place that song in during that part?

So we go to the attack mode of survival here. They’re going to change as many opinions as possible. They’re going to make people question themselves. Make people feel bad.

The reality is, there’s a clear cut story - they’re making it that way. There’s multiple hints that there isn’t going to be a love triangle. There’s multiple hints that Zack is going to be a thing in the Remake. They’ve definitely put it on more heavy that Aerith still loves Zack.

I can only hope that things are made clear. That this can stop. I still say people should ship who they want. Hell, I ship Vincent and Lucrecia (this was my only romantic love in the OG back then...). However, canon is that Hojo and Lucrecia married and had a child. I wanted Vincent to secretly be the father so bad, but he’s not. That doesn’t ruin the game for me, at all.

It would ruin the game for me, in a sense, if they completely pull a 180 in Part 2 and try to “remove” all of the stuff from Part 1 from a character dynamics perspective. It would feel wrong for Aerith to tell Cloud not to fall in love with her, tell him that everything isn’t real if he does, and also have her back off completely after Tifa is back, and then all of a sudden throw herself at him. It would erase all the friendship scenes between Tifa and Aerith.

And how could you just “turn off” Cloud’s attentive nature to Tifa? It wouldn’t make sense. It would ruin it for me because that is legit trying to erase parts of the story.

I don’t think that will happen. But I still get anxious when I see shit on the internet.

#cloti #clotif #ff7r #ff7r thoughts #shipping wars #cloud x tifa #tifa lockhart #ltd #final fantasy 7 remake #final fantasy 7 #cloud strife #ff7 spoilers #ff7r spoilers

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moomin-toons · 4 years

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Yeah, I've been feeling that way ever since I started posting drawings for my BBS AU. Which I know is pretty stupid, but I can't help it. It's not like I'm doing anything wrong or taboo I literally just made a snufkinverse au. Ever since my first drawing for it, I thought people were going to hate it. Or at the very least, call me weird or "cringy" for even wanting to draw something like that. Which again is stupid, and I'm overreacting about it, but that's just how I feel whenever I post a drawing for this AU. And another thing that makes me self conscious about it is cause of my age. Am I too old to be making crossover AUs like mine? I've always liked crossovers where the newer versions of characters meet their earlier incarnations, and that's especially heightened because most of my favorite shows right now are reboots. I don't know, I've liked those types of things since I was a kid and it just never left. I still find them interesting. I know age doesn't matter, and I'm definitely not too old to draw any of the things I do draw, but- I'm going to be a legal adult in less than a year now. Like am I just gonna be called a cringy kid on the internet and be called immature one day for it? I don't know how to explain it properly. It's not even only my Moomin AU that I get fidgety about; I had to make a new Instagram account cause too many of my classmates from school were following me, and I got really self-conscious about them seeing my fanart. I shouldn't feel bad about this cause drawing my BBS AU, OCs, and just fanart, in general, make me happy. All I've gotten is a lot of sweet comments, really cute art, and an actual fanfic of this little thing that I thought I would be made fun of for. A little thing that let me meet some of my most amazing and wonderful friends ever. All I've gotten is a lot of positivity from something I was so self-conscious about posting. So if you feel this way about any of your work, don't worry, it's completely normal. I know for a fact that I'm the only artist that gets these kinds of thoughts before posting their art. All I'm saying is go for it. If you're having fun and not causing any harm, then enjoy yourself! There's a reason why cringe culture died long ago. Just have fun with your work and have fun in your fandom! You may even meet some great people while because of it.^v^

(Btw please don't use this as a way to validate any nasty incest or pedo shit. Please for everything good and holy in this world DON'T)

#this whole sounded better in my head #Im sorry if none of this makes sense #Im absolutely terrible at explaining things #my art #comic #comics #art #moominvalley #moominvalley 2019 #moomin au #moomin #moomins #vent

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lesbiancarat · 3 years

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Book anon here to say today is a happy day because it is dk and vernon day ^0^ the fact they share bdays makes my heart so big like djakdnaks that's the best thing really! (I say this as I don't like celebrating my own birthday lol but that shiz makes me soft) like how can it not get better than sharing a birthday with your fellow bandmate who is also your buddy :'))

Back on topic, I am happy that in the fandoms I'm in, update blogs or accounts are well loved so no drama there but I agree on cc peeps, my gosh the decline of them is obvious for the past 2 years =/ I remember 2018 the carat fandom here was HUGE with creators and lots of notes but now...its hard to see more than 200 for some and while numbers don't matter because you should ALWAYS be doing this for fun, its so shocking to see the interaction go so low and its more likes. I do have a theory as to why this is the case and it might be due to nowadays, people on Tumblr find reblogging alot to be "too much" akaspamming. I would know because some told me I do this and I'm like ??? I am simply reblogging content I like and if it means hitting the rbelog limit so be it djajdjw. Legit idk why its seen as bad nowadays when everyone used to reblog alot and no one complained so maybe this could be why? Again a theory but it would make sense and its a shame if this is the case :c I admit I like stuff because I sometimes do reblog it for a color theme but mostly I hit the reblog limit so I want to reblog it later xD

But let's not get into people that take others work as their own -.- now I get giving credit for say icons (I do this for icons and headers I use because its the least I can do. I would link it but idk how to do it on Tumblr lol) but taking someone's say gif and just posting it on twitter to share is like ??? You do know there is a share button that SHARES THE ORIGINAL LINK BACK RIGHT? Smh i can't with people. That's why I try to make sure for icons at least I know its not a repost and try to stay away from pintrest as best as I can (also svt on pintrest? Are they making moodboards or smth? I leave Tumblr for a bit and this is what I come back to lol)

Oof I wrote too much again sjamdna I'm living up to my emoji huh? XD but yes my tooth is better! It hurt again last night but today we are good!

I'm late answering this but yeah the fact that dk and vernon share a Birthday is super sweet! it's fun that they get to do their birthday live together as well ^^

but yeah i joined carat tumblr around late 2017/early 2018 (i made this side blog during oh my era but I'd been reblogging svt stuff on main before then) and I'm p sure most if not all the cc's i originally followed are inactive now :( obviously like you said content creators should make content for fun and bc they want to and not for the notes, but it's understandably disheartening when less people are interacting with it and even the people who do still see your content are (at least seemingly) less enthusiastic about it (ie liking but not reblogging it, less ppl writing things in the tags or replies, etc.)

but that's so wild to me? I've never heard anyone say someone is reblogging too many things like... how do you expect to see posts if people don't reblog stuff?? id welcome that extra content on my dash dhfjfh. i guess you can go in specific tags but like. idk reblogging is the main function of tumblr i don't know why there are people sort of against it/not as willing to use it (i mean... i suspect at least one factor is other social media platforms relying more on algorithms and likes to show people new content and ppl are just more used to that maybe?)

i feel like to some extent people feel entitled to have every or any gif or fanart or fan content on their platform of choice, but like if an artist posts something on tumblr but not on twt or instagram it doesn't HAVE to be on twt or insta. people can make a tumblr (or whatever platform) account if that's the only place a creator is active and they really want to see their content. and if people want to share something cool to another platform it is not hard to just post a link to the original post and tell people to check it out. like i do that every once in a while if there's a translation that doesn't allow reposts, but i still want ppl to know that trans exists if they wouldn't normally. and yeah!! you're gonna get less engagement that way!! but that's when you need to question whether your intention is really to share something cool w people who wouldn't normally see it or if you just want clout from this cool thing for yourself

and obviously not everyone who reposts things wo credit or permission has such innocent intentions as "i want to share this cool thing" but i think in a lot of cases it is something similar to that where ppl see something and they want to use it or share it for whatever reason and they just forget that it's something an actual person took the time to create and chose to share it. fan creations, unless otherwise specified, are not like memes in that they're intended to be shared and edited and copied to hell and back

but yeah pinterest is the worst in terms of reposts. like very little if any of the content on there (at least that's fandom related) is original content. the vast majority is reposts from other platforms without credit. a few weeks ago i saw someone on twt post like an old SVT photo or something and someone asked where it was from and they were like 'idk i saw it on pinterest' and when i tell u my blood boiled dhfkfj like!! ok!! so you're reposting a repost and u have no idea what the original source is... great

but yeah i have no idea what SVT is gonna do with pinterest... guessing it's just gonna be pledis posting official/behind photos that they also post on twt anyway. it really looks like it's something bh made them create given other bhl artists also have pinterests they're all following each other. also pledis didn't even officially announce the new account opening anywhere as far as I've seen so like. i think they really don't care dhfkfj

i really don't know what bh thinks they're gonna gain though like. ik there are active fandom pinterest users but i think most of them also have other social media like twt or insta. like they're not cracking open a huge new market, and LITERALLY NO ONE expects any musician or celeb to have an official Pinterest so. it's just so unnecessary dhfkgj

I'm glad your tooth is feeling better!!!

#melia.ask #ask #📖 anon #oof prime example of me getting carried away and writing too much #this was meant to be a quick break from studying #theres another ask in my inbox which is short anyway but i really have to get back to hw and studying ;-;#long post

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working-on-becoming-a-better-me · 3 years

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Day 253—Mar. 23, 2021

Okay, so the numbers for my previous consecutive posts were off by a day (like a day ahead) and February 7′s math was way off, but I googled this! so from here on out, we will be accurate! let’s go bois!

BIG UPDATE BOIS! Essentially? I’VE GOTTEN BETTER! Mental health is better, habits are better, outlook on life is better, productivity... isn’t as high as it was when I first started the blog, but it’s doing MUCH better than November and even January.

coping with minecraft:

So, I’m still addicted to the dream smp minecraft fandom. my friend got me a dream hoodie, bucket hat, and a georgenotfound hoodie for my birthday. but! I’m coping better. I’m behind on streams, and am now catching up during Spring Break. For a while, I was pushing back school work to watch and catch up on streams. I promised myself that during free periods I would work since I was catching up on streams at home, and then... yeah. ANYWAY! I’ve gotten a lot better at that recently by noticing that even fanart accounts (accounts dedicated to mcyt-ers) were talking about how they didn’t watch a phasmaphobia stream because they weren’t interested in it, or talking about how they were behind on streams... it really helped me accept the fact that I can be a real fan and not watch every single stream.

cultural convention:

My international school does events with other international schools but because of covid, we can’t travel. I act and made varsity drama (we call it a different name, but yeah!) and we had virtual conferences. I was incredibly friendly and loud and there were tons of zoom calls. Our schools kinda known for being... uh, stuck up? and kinda elitist. Not like I was being fake, but I was making an effort to talk during calls and be active on group chats made. I joke-flirt a lot and focused my attention on one person. A whole thing ensued, but some of the other actors in my school (there were only 11 of us) were joking abut sending me to “horny jail” and one girl kept apologizing for me. During “lounge sessions” I would interject with what I thought were funny comments and she’d say “again, I’d like to apologize for her behavior” and... uh... I cried at school. Cuz I’ve heard way too many times from too many different people about how I’m embarrassing... BUT.

What really helped was the fact that there were late night zoom calls and I was one of only three kids from my school the first night on a call with around 25 people. Other people said I helped give them a really good first impression of our school, especially considering all the things they’d heard previously. The guy I joke-flirted with (I previously dmed him asking if he was okay with it and he said he was) said on a call that I was one of the funniest people he’d met in a while. It was a huge confidence booster in knowing that the efforts I was making were paying off :)

confidence:

Since starting this blog, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve been practicing more positive self speak and have recently realized the difference between the way I speak about and to myself and how some other people do. Being nicer to myself out loud has helped a lot in feeling better and more comfortable.

I wanted to try wearing black masks, but my mom bought the wrong kind. They had patterns and I was really nervous because I didn’t really want to stand out. I used to not care, but... I dunno. Teenagehood and whatnot. We wear uniforms too, so the only differences are in accessories, hair, etc. I’m not sure why, but I was really nervous to wear the new mask patterns to school. But I told myself it was an experiment, to force me to be more confident. I actually forgot I was wearing it until I saw myself. And since I’d posted on my private story saying I was doing this to try and be more comfortable, some of my friends came up to me and told me it was actually cute. Shows that I really had nothing to stress for. Not that it was really self-expression, but for me, and anyone else who needs to hear this, no one cares. Maybe they even wish they had the courage to wear different things as well.

mcyt mantra:

I have a mantra now! adapted from something drunk Wilbur Soot said during Quackity’s livestream, I think. I repeat it when I’m happy and when I’m nervous or scared and I guess... I dunno, I’m like classically conditioning myself? Except not really since I’m doing it out of order. But yeah! get yourself a mantra!!!

character day:

more with confidence! spirit week is just an excuse for kids to not wear their uniforms, but I put a lot of effort into an Ace Ventura outfit I put together. I only saw around two or three other people actually dressed up as characters, but I had so much fun and thought I looked amazing. I was proud that I wasn’t a normie ;]

Also... it’s so humid in this country and the rubber bottoms of my boots actually stuck to the pavement and fell off. I spent the day without the bottoms of my shoes and it was so funny. Even my mom laughed after (she laughed for so long, it was adorable) and she said only I could pull it off and that the friend I walk to school with everyday is lucky to have me as a friend. My mom was telling me about how she never had a friend like me growing up, just so weird and goofy. And it made me happy to think that I can bring so much... zaniness to people’s lives

ao3:

been writing a lot more recently! haven’t been posting on my writing blog since it’s all fanfiction, but it’s helping me write! I update one of my stories every two weeks. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, it’s a nice reminder that I actually can be consistent. I may be getting better... who knows :)

nehs:

been editing lots of papers even though I don’t need to anymore since I made vp of my school’s nehs chapter. but it’s helping me learn too! I’m very instinctual when writing, but obviously when I’m editing I can’t just ask them to change something because “it doesn’t sound right”. So I google explanations and then tell the people who’s papers I’m editing. It helps both them and me!

ipad/drawing:

got a new ipad for my birthday. been messing around with procreate. been doodling in class (only dream team characters so far lol). might be getting better... hopefully I am!

also have a sticky notes app on my ipad and been creating to-do lists! yay!

teaching:

been teaching students in cambodia! last year I had a teaching partner who guided lessons mostly. this year I’m the leading teacher. It’s helping with my fear of leadership and responsibility.

social:

still not the most social, but more active on snapchat now with keeping in contact with some of the cultural convention kids. covids made it harder to keep in contact, and I’ve been trying to reach out more to my closest friend who I’ve not hung out with in a while. not that we don’t see each other at lunch every other day, but I walk to school with, share a class and after school study hall with another friend. so comparably, I’ve spent less time with my closest friend.

recently had a spa day with my small neighborhood gang! my friend painted my other guy friend’s nails! yes! we used face masks as well :)

general update:

- went to the pool the other day and now I’m hecka burnt

- yesterday I wrote letters for honor society points, caught up on math hw, wrote a reflection and plan for a class, reviewed chinese with my mom, met up with my “mentor” for a class

- have been helping a lot of people! am currently a part of two people’s pieces for their theater class and I have a rehearsal later today!

- was doing a lot of work as an officer of thespian honor society—I’m likely going to be on the officer team again next year and, until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t felt like I’d been doing much and was feeling unworthy. but then I was proactive about something and updated our sponser (school’s drama director) on what we as officers decided. felt... prettyyy goooodddd :)

- !!! yesterday I went on a walk and brought money and my student ID, ready to buy bubble tea, but then... I mustered up what little willpower I had and then didn’t buy it. Instead, I bought surprise lilies for my mom (and some groceries she asked me to get) - been trying to cut out unnecessary sugars and foods. if I’m not hungry, I shouldn’t eat, but also... I listen to my body and if I’m feeling really snacky, I’ll indulge - recently been craving ice cream, but not the flavors in my fridge so instead I’m just not eating ice cream at all and ate an apple once as a substitute :D

- not sure if I’ve been sleeping more, but it kinda feels like I have been?

- started taking pictures of the world when I think it’s pretty one sunny afternoon when I was laughing lots with a friend... especially right after cul con, I was taking a lot more pictures...

- just been more active (not physically... though occasionally, when bored, I’ll stretch some... but I should try and get more active (I mean... the walk yesterday?))... creatively speaking (ao3, with art), socially online (cul con kids), in person (making plans over spring break!)...

- I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into life

of course, there are the down bits, like for one project based class where the end product is due in May-ish and it focuses on the “process”... I’m just... not... process-ing. I chose a writing project (why). I’m focusing a lot on my side projects, but not my class writing one :/ as well as that, when assignments pick up, I do too, but when I get down time I feel like I deserve it (which I do!) but I don’t work ahead. I’ve been really busy though. Teaching got cancelled because the school in Cambodia shut down unfortunately due to covid. But before spring break, I was teaching, editing papers, writing my own for lang, doing cul con and then catching up on work I missed because of cul con, studying for tests, attending rehearsals... there’s a lot going on and I need to recognize that I am doing so well, especially compared with a few months prior when I was in a much darker place.

mostly stress has been my plague, but yeah! also in the span of one week, two classes bumped up a grade (or half a grade... we have letters and + system (no -)) so my previously low gpa became slightly less low! It gave me confidence that I can end the semester strong!

procrastination: another plague. I keep delaying setting up college counseling meetings and have delayed this update for a while now... and the project-class...

also have babysitting jobs again so we gon get some monnaayyyyy! (job is not from people we met at the pool, but we did meet people at the pool and their kids liked me so much they asked me mom to get me to babysit them... another boost to confidence! yay :) I’m a likeable person :] )

thanks for sticking around! I’m glad I’m getting this update in because I’m doing... really well :D hope you guys are also doing well or that it gets better!

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heavyyhearts-blog · 7 years

Text

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long. another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

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upthehillask · 7 years

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Where did you first start posting your amazing art?? Was it hard to get noticed, how long did it take for people to notice your talents? How did you come up with your artist signature/name? I apologise if this is to many questions it's just that you inspire me so much that I want to start my own art blog but I don't know where or how to start more importantly find my own style and artist name.

Questions that I can answer are cool with me! :D It’s been a while since anyone asked me this stuff, so it’s good to refresh my memory!

I pretty much wrote an essay so that’s why it’s under the cut haha

I first started posting my art on deviantArt almost exactly two years ago. dA is where I discovered fanart as a thing people do, I loved it so so much, and I wanted to see more of Dramione, so I decided to give digital art a try myself! I started learning and practicing, and dA is where I posted my first drawings. Since I always made sure to tag my drawings appropriately, all Dramione and other shippers who search, say, the Dramione tag would find my drawings there and like them! And as people learned that I am consistent with the content I produce (Harry Potter fanart), HP fans followed me because they knew what to expect! :) So while being consistent with what you put out is not necessary, especially if it won’t make you happy (and being excited about what you produce should be your top priority), consistency still definitely helps gain attention because you target a specific audience.

Over the period of a few months I gained a small group of followers on dA and also decided to start a Tumblr blog so I could engage in fandom activities, so on April 2016 I created my blog and posted a bunch of my HP fanart from dA with appropriate tags. I don’t know what it was, perhaps the fact that right from the beginning of my blog I already had multiple art posts was what gained me immediate attention. I don’t think it even took me three days to reach 100 followers. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that I was posting often (because I was both publishing all the finished stuff from the dA and also drawing new art frequently too) and I was posting HP fanart only. If you put a lot of content out, more people will see it, and if they see that they can expect more of the same content frequently, they will follow you. So it didn’t take very long to get noticed for me personally, only a few months on dA and a few weeks on Tumblr, so I was very fortunate!! :) But do remember that if you make art that you don’t love making, you ARE going to get tired of it, it WILL become a chore, and you will stop doing it, so in this case what’s the point to even start, you know? And people can tell when you’re doing something for attention and when you’re doing something that you genuinely love. So just make sure you’re having fun, this is the most important thing!!!! For me, I always make sure that I am a fangirl first, an artist second. I draw art not because I like drawing art, but because I like to see my favorite ships and characters come to life! :> So I guess you should try finding your niche too – why do you draw, and why do you draw what you draw?

And for my name, I think I will direct you to this post right here for the long answer, but the short answer is, I don’t know :) When I created my dA first, I didn’t think I’d be actually drawing, I just created the most random username without any thought put into it. And when I started drawing, I just maintained it because again, didn’t think it would become more known across the fandom :D And now it’s sort of too late to change it :’D But I don’t really care, I’m used to it! I wouldn’t know what to change it to anyway lol

As for the signature, again, zero thought when into it. Zero. I just signed my username in my usual handwriting, nothing fancy whatsoever, I also decided to add the year just for my own reference. For a year or so I would write my signature on every drawing myself, now I just copy paste the best version of it so it’s more consistent. I also added “@upthehillart Tumblr | Instagram” below the signature as a way to make uncredited reposts less painful :’) lol

But yeah, looking at my own personal experience, what name you choose and how you write your signature make no difference to gaining attention whatsoever. Just make sure it’s easy to remember I suppose! :) That’s always nice!

Anyway. Basically, I’d suggest starting out on Tumblr, dA is old, it’s not worth it, so just have a blog here, and try to post as much as you can if you want people to see your stuff! Instagram is also a good place for art because it has more users than Tumblr. I created my Instagram later than Tumblr, but I have more followers there just because of that. I still prefer Tumblr as a medium, you can see the drawings better, you can navigate it, organize it, you can do things that Instagram doesn’t offer. And people on Instagram are also more rude from my experience, but idk if it would be an issue for you. Oh and it’s also hard to start out on Instagram at first, but at some point the follower flow becomes constant and steady. For me, I had a bigger account shoutout me, and that was extremely helpful! So look out for shoutout opportunities, Instagram or Tumblr.

Anywayyyyyy yeah, not sure if any of this is useful, I hope so! Good luck!!!

#Q&A #tips #anonymous #upthehillask

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