#yeah I say shit like I wish I was good at art and get frustrated taht I’m not good even when I haven’t practiced | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tangibletechnomancy · 1 year

Text

The thing is, I 1000% acknowledge and respect that a lot of art communities have damned good reasons to be wary of AI, because a lot of commission economies - especially furry and furry-adjacent communities - are already constantly, CONSTANTLY under fucking siege by assholes who hear of their reputation for being willing to spend a lot on commissions and try to muscle in on the action while actively showing disdain for the communities they're blatantly trying to exploit for that sweet sweet "freak" money. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone who has ZERO respect for furries - thinks they're all a bunch of freaks playing chicken with zoophilia, treats furries as a punchline in that kind of way that sounds like they might be in on the joke but when prodded further you realize no they're really not - say "hmm maybe I should learn to draw furry art, that pays well", well, I would have enough money to commission actual furry artists.

It fucking sucks. It's an eternal frustration to be surrounded by a bunch of fucking assholes trying to milk your community for money while still pointing and laughing at you like you're some kind of sideshow attraction, taking your money and then calling you a freak in the next breath, but they GUESS they could DEIGN to claim to respect you because you pay so very well. It's cruel and shitty and should not be abided, and it's painful that there's no real way to protect a community against that kind of behavior other than essentially playing whack-a-mole as long as you're there and concerned about it - and AI art absolutely does have the power to enable these assclowns, because before AI, these types had to do a lot more work to learn to draw some new subject matter, do studies on what makes it tick and what the community values about it - AI dramatically lowers the skill floor to get a passable result, and while this is a huge positive from most standpoints...well, most of the time, through the process of doing these kinds of studies, your typical greedy asshole will realize that oh shit, there actually IS work involved in this and unique skills and a community that's not just a bunch of gullible freaks but PEOPLE with inner lives as rich as your own and either find some passion for a community they once felt that disdain for, or just balk at having to ACTUALLY work for it and burn out before they even get off the ground; AI is not SO easy as to eliminate this completely but it may make it more likely that these types could get a foot in the door and...essentially Funko Pop-ify even custom art. We already see people trying it in certain adoptable communities and it fucking sucks.

This is why I'm 100% comfortable with, and even tentatively encourage, sites and events geared toward communities frequently targeted by this kind of assholery banning AI art - I have my reservations about it as a long-term solution, as it's only going to get easier and easier for people to just lie (and this is why a huge aspect of my personal approach to keeping things as ethical as possible is to be as transparent as I can be about my processes) and AI is commonly used as an accessibility tool, but at the very least in the short term I see those policies and usually my first thought is "yeah that is absolutely, completely, perfectly fair."

I just wish I was better at finding an appropriate time and place to point out to people who are taking those concerns to the level of outright lying or otherwise blaming the tech more than the assholes, that There Are Many AI Artists Who Hate Those Types As Much As You Do And There Are Many Other Approaches To AI Art. When I started this blog, I, too, thought I was nearly alone in my desire to see AI tech used ethically, for both accessibility and its own unique features as a medium, and I've rarely if ever been happier to find out I was wrong. If there's one emotional skill I wish more people had, it is this - please...learn how to be happy to have been wrong when a situation turns out to not be as bad as you thought it was.

tl;dr: It's not wrong at ALL for people to want to protect their community from people who just see them as a crowd of walking ATMs. If you're looking at AI somewhat favorably because you see it as an easy way into those communities for their commission money, you're a piece of shit and I hope you break your fingers so badly you can't even type anymore, let alone noise paint, which you're gonna have to do if you want to get a result to exact specifications.

Just, if you're in one of those communities...please don't invent, and try to stop spreading misinformation about the tech, because the collateral damage is...A Lot.

#not art

51 notes · View notes

coldresolve · 3 months

Note

let me start this off with i hella respect you and love your art/stories, but all this discussion about torture got me thinking too and i definitely dont wanna come across the wrong way, i agree with you on many points, but i just dont think its that deep.

cause honestly ive been writing torture since i was like 11 so i know its not that serious. not for most people. i get that it could come across the "wrong way" but like... most people literally do not think about this. that being said, ive never written torture in an interrogation setting when it WORKED (i did write interrogation but actually never worked cause then i would have had to stop writing the torture, and, you know, thats what i wanted to write, so the person being tortured never "break").

i wrote (and am writing) torture because i, personally, enjoy it (and get off to it). my characters (the torturers/captors etc) are doing it mostly out of sheer enjoyment/passion. they dont try to get info, dont try to get their victims to be obedient, dont try to brainwash, none of that. i just write what makes ME feel GOOD. i never ever thought about "how would this affect people" or "what deeper meaning does it have", cause, frankly, it doesnt have a deeper meaning for me, all it means is "mmmm torture, i love it".

i. just. enjoy. it. that simple!!

and while im not a fan of the "whump community", i believe lots of people there think like me, in the sense that they just want to write what they enjoy without thinking about it. reflecting to what the other anon said.. like yeah they say it's "fiction only", and it "could be interpreted as torture apologia" (a term i havent even heard before you talked about it), but it really is just that.

it might sound "bad" or "ignorant" but most people dont go digging for info or research studies before they go writing, and that's alright, most people write FOR FUN. as a hobby. not trying to think too hard about things, you know, just let out their thoughts, frustrations, emotions, all that shit. can it come across as ignorant? probably! but at the end of the day, it's just people writing for the sake of writing.

i really, REALLY respect you and your story and how much thought and research goes into it. i dont read all that "whump" shit, im mostly "in the community" for the art and pictures. your story was the only one that captivated me, and it's not for no reason. i WISH i could write the way you do. but... most people wont ever do all that for writing, for something they just do on their freetime as a hobby.

and believe me, ive been writing for 15+ years now. all that time its only ever been a hobby, ive never done research, i do it when i feel good, to feel good. and im not planning to release. most of these people on tumblr, in the "whump community", they dont plan on releasing. they just sharing their little stories with each other. as far as i can tell, there is no harm in it like you say in harry potter or batman, all that. these little stories wont make it out to the public. and im sure most people who write dont even upload their writing! (me included, hahaha.)

just saying. its not that deep:) keep doing you because you and your story is AMAZING, but just dont give too much time of your day to all these random "whump writers" who write shit you wouldnt wanna read anyways:))

serious here if you're this far gone in wilful ignorance i think i would like you to stop reading my content. i mean this genuinely. people like you are not part of the audience i wanna build ykwim

#asks #thats all thats it #quality over quantity

2 notes · View notes

risingshards · 10 months

Text

I'm so tired of spaces in fandom/online/in person/whatever that are so deadset on equating a piece of art's worth to a bunch of data sets that really have very little to do with the art itself.

Like I'll be in discussions online about wrestling. If you can believe it, pro wrestling has an absurd amount of discussion about the biznes data and stats of at all and none of it is about the actual enjoyment of the plots or wacky scenarios of the shows, just like "oh yeah the ratings are up YOY by 14.2% they're so hot right now this is so business when you business money" or "ohhh that wasn't good their ratings are down .03 2/3rd% on RateMyWrestling.gov this is not good for business money business" like DID YOU LIKE THE EPISODE OR DO YOU JUST LIKE TRACKING BUSINESS AND AGGREGATE STATS.

I was talking to another friend about a movie (one I ended up adoring) and their take on it having not seen it at all was that it was total dogshit because of like it's quantum aggregate on FartCritic or whatever, like why engage with anything when you can just point to some nebulously generated number and go "it good" or "it bad"???

Obviously I'm not immune to any of this too, I'll see the nebulously generated FartCritic scores and go like "oh wow so this is good!" or the opposite based on them sometimes. And because I'm an anxious loser I get way too caught up in these so I'm trying to just disengage from it all, but it do be hard when all the websites blare these numbers everywhere, or when game devs get paid extra by publishers based on their aggregate scores, it's all just exhausting. It feels like so many people just wanna treat entertainment as a series of stat games mostly based around saying how shit something is because [random number] or random financials that say nothing about the works themselves, about the merit in the text, it's all just boring negative data. And it's been this way for a looooong while so I don't think I'm saying anything new here I've just been really frustrated about this lately. My summer goal is to be less terminally online to avoid dealing with things that ain't good for my presently shaky mental health so wish me luck breaking bad habits!

#personal #me being a baby about dumb things #i see it so much in games and movies and wrestling #JUST LEMME HYPERFIXATE ON THINGS I DONT CARE ABOUT AGGREGATES OR FINANCIAL PERFORMANCES #i jsut wanna like or dislike things based on their own merits #i could try and get thicker skin but i think my softness is just part of me tbh

2 notes · View notes

beastofwant · 1 year

Text

I’m just mad and cannot stop being that way tonight

I’m mad and frustrated about a lot of things and my outlets don’t help and nobody even knows what to tell me anymore. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. I’ll just be here, making art I guess because it’s all I can do

I don’t want a wide range of attention but I want some sort of real, genuine recognition and understanding

I’m frustrated and I feel crazy. I miss someone who disappeared months ago, now. At the end of the month I’m going somewhere and I know I’ll be looking for them in the back of my mind the entire weekend. And I’m mad at myself for getting attached or thinking any of it even mattered, and I’m mad at them because why would you make me think any of it mattered if you were going to just disappear, and I’m just. Beside myself. When I’m really, really alone it always comes back to the surface. It’s futile. No amount of messages or calls or prayers will do anything to make them come back, either they will or won’t, and lets be honest with ourselves, they won’t. Everything felt real with them and now nothing does anymore. Again. I’m tired of my options being get jerked around on a chain [until your master leaves], settle for someone you find uninteresting and unappealing but who is also harmless, be alone, or be in love with an absence.

I literally cannot handle it anymore and I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want to think this way, I just wish I were normal. I wish people would listen to me when I say things and not try and say “oh that’s not true” because it doesn’t make me feel better, it feels like you are trying to manipulate me or extort me or just fucking hurt me in some way. Trying to console me “oh you’re not that strange oh there are lots of people out there who want to be with your or be your friend” like okay yeah there ARE lots. there are tons and tons of people who see me and think I’m pretty and want to fuck me. great, fantastic. I’m so glad it’s easy to get laid. maybe finally someone will kill me on an ill-advised hookup and then I won’t have to feel like this anymore. I fucking wish. instead I just get people too pussy to even choke me because I’m so pretty and so small and so sweet and then I feel bad and disgusting about myself but at least I made someone else feel good right. right. everyone in my life, every authority figure in my life, just groomed me into servitude.

And it never used to be this bad but I really just have been through too much at this point & I wish I remembered nothing or that it didn’t fucking happen this way because none of it is my fault and that I lack agency even in my own decline is enough to make me sick!!! I made the right choices and did everything I could but it doesn’t matter. it never does. it’s maddening too because people just try to fucking cognitive behavioral therapy me out of this but that doesn’t work and frankly just makes me want to hurt you!!!!! it isn’t distorted thinking when it is literally my life’s history. it isn’t a cognitive distortion when it literally happened and does keep happening.

and nobody wants to talk about it or hear me talk about it anymore and I get it but what am I supposed to do. I’m trying. I’m writing and drawing and making music and trying to distract myself and going on walks and trying to do wellness shit but it doesn’t ever matter because I am only an individual and my problems are in no small part systemic. so what am I supposed to do!!!

#mad scrawl #I literally feel like people just don't want us to kill ourselves because it would make them feel bad.#there's not any regard for my life or prospects or how I feel #what if your life is really bad and you are repeatedly traumatized because of effectively poverty that u can never escape #and that will continue to traumatize you #like should I just get fucked up and fuck myself up and die fast. is that it. is that the only way any of this matters.

2 notes · View notes

the1975attheirverybest · 1 year

Note

Not only that, but the taking down gn an Adam Friedland/TaFs episode, and statement made by the Japanese organisation against him ams Rinas' comment (which was totally taken out of context btw).

A majority of people think that all coincidence but I'd like to point some things.

1. Being on the board of creative directors is such a huge responsibility, giving that Matty is using his art to pursue other projects it would be logistically impossible to balance the two. Having said that Matty will always be active, albeit in a smaller capacity because it has a special place in heart. Idk why people have suddedecided that he hasn't got a job anymore!!

2. If you knoq Matty you should know that he says a lot of things off the cuff because that's just him. He's been doing it since forever. All of a sudden there's minority who get triggered so easily by things he says in jest/light-hearted way.

Matty is a good natured human bean idk why people are just getting upset/angry etc over something which isn't really that controversial at all. 🤷‍♀️

I hope you understand

Yeah, for sure!!! I definitely get that. And, yeah, this is basically who he is/ what he’s always done.

The jobless jokes on Twitter are getting a bit out of hand HAHA. I mean, they’re funny but also a bit dramatic.

I’m not necessarily upset by the comments or what’s going. I’m more upset that (for whatever reason, whether it’s podcast related or not) he’s left his Director position at Dirty Hit. I think the band will always be the band. That’s one thing we can count on the 1975 for. Nothings gonna change there. BUT, like I said before, I loved knowing that someone like him was formally in a position of power and able to cause influence on the industry through his position. He was in a place where he could translate his values and artistic ethics into real action. As a young person (maybe I’m on the edge of not being young anymore. I mean I’m 28 not 22 lol) who is often frustrated by the state of the world and the fact that the people in charge are often rich men in suits who don’t know shit about anything, it felt refreshing the way he was doing the label stuff. I’m just sad to see him let that go. Whatever the cause may be. Does that make sense? Like I wish he were still doing that cuz it gave me hope in the future.

3 notes · View notes

temporarymoods · 7 months

Text

perpetual novice

hey blog, i've thought about you every day since i made you, and i couldn't quite settle on what to feed you next, but like, whatever!

at this moment in our arena, please welcome me and my haircut (!!) and the girls on tinder and jane: an abortion service, plus the sophie lewis book on my nightstand I could practically draw "z"s above, (that's my bad.)

blog, I'd like to take the time to say that I've been feeling vulnerable when it comes to queer dating! because obviously, but also because of perceived external judgement from within the community, ow. looked in the mirror my therapist held up for me and saw that I'm much more comfortable with my gender than my sexuality, after being asked to spell it all out. this is, not in terms of definition-- we're solid there-- but praxis. and i think this is because gender is something you can do more fully alone in your bedroom. sexuality is too, but at least people can demand more than your word for it. right? haha

yeah, been falling in love with this unreal image of a gay relationship i have in my head. eye contact and shit, you know. and more 'equal' stuff, including but not limited to a kind of greater understanding and intentional kindness. still really mad about the patriarchy, who would've guessed? bunch of guys were talking with my one man professor, who is great, in class today and i started thinking about barnard, lmao. and i think that's fair--- not that i should be concerning myself with the look of the opposite*, but worth saying, i guess. it's fair to be feeling done! rahhhh (there's obviously so much more going on here re. my anger with men but I will not [yet] divulge to my baby blog) *i.e., worrying about looking like a feminist that's "unfair"

anyway, if i could make a mood board, which i cannot without getting frustrated, for my current passionspace, it would contain the following: lots of soft pinks, purples, and dark grey-blue, the end of "parachute" by caroline polachek {starting at "closing in"} (what a mother figure), splashed puddles of water, this specific capricorn-themed mug with hot tea, 'full surrogacy now', BLÅHAJ, my noise-cancelling headphones, masculine clothing, flowers of the wild variety, tissues, PLL (got such a crush on spencer), the quote "finally there's a way to be both free and safe", 'bottoms' promo art, and other elements to ensure cohesiveness.

so it's almost sweater season, team. i've gotta take my winter stuff out from under my bed-- an event which i'm already planning catering and lighting for. figured out that i'm the type of person that needs to remind themself to light candles, etc. an entailment of the great bath bomb revelation from years past. <- solid me lore

on a similar note of control: craving leadership of late. i want to run shit so bad. god i'd be so good. the dog sits in me, unbarking and chained. looked into theatre production opportunities, ended up feeling that thing i haven't quite found the right way to express yet... degrounded? fucking sucks is what it is. when you go too far up the imagination slide; a kind of altitude sickness. so maybe i won't be doing tech exactly but soon i'll have another full-time job. lol. that'll be cool. hopefully i can make shit happen. feel myself have an effect on the world.

🎶 it's time to be a big girl now 🎶

i wish i could better articulate my current thoughts on "'girl' stuff," especially as its been coming up in the dumb discourse recently... i think i'm too online. well, now I have to go finish typing up my geometry homework in an itsy bitsy coding language I've caught onto-- for extra credit!

the door? the gate? no, just kate 9/18/2023

p.s. god i fucking love caroline polachek's music

#pang #pretty little liars #desire #biggirlsdontcry #autumn #women

0 notes

dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

3/13/23

I made up for 4+ hours of conflict yesterday with 6+ hours of streaming today.

I can't even explain how... delusional it feels... to stream a story game that is intentionally being streamed as essentially a set of dynamic prompts for me to tell a story... to no listeners... The traits, characters, setting, plot tools, all that... they're all delivered by the game. Select choices and making all the pieces fit together? That's up to me. And it's very difficult to... bring your 100% when you're telling a story to a handful of bots. When no one shows up. For hours.

I switched over to art after about 3 hours. I opened Krita and just started drawing this organic abstract stuff I've been doing lately. The work I did on the prayer beads, and the Be Here Now sign. Kinda like an organic membrane with voids or like... cell pockets. It's a type of design I've been doing for like 20 years. I did that and listened to the entirety of Periphery's new album. It's fucking good, really weird, really out there, really pushing their limits. Super different from anything I've heard from them. Very impressed.

So I did a live album review - to no one. At some point someone came by and said "long time no see"... and then nothing else. I engaged with them immediately... crickets. I looked at their profile, they followed me when I drew the owl (my profile picture) back in 2021, but I guess never came back since. And just went silent or left. People are so odd. Then someone new came in, and... same story. Just said hello, and I tried to strike up a conversation... crickets. It's so frustrating.

Honestly, it feels really sad. It feels like I'm just pretending to have friends, which really doesn't make the idea of actually making friends more real. It makes it feel farther away. I just... I fucking suck at this.

Daylight savings really fucked me up. I didn't get up and moving until like 4. That shit is so fucked up. Because I didn't get to sleep until like... 7! I'm genuinely surprised I'm getting this journaling done at such an early hour.

So... I missed the mixer at the board game shop. Never showed up, it got late too quick. I got yoga done. I skated up to the gas station up by the highway and got some food and snacks. The woman who worked there was laughing about some guy who came in twice saying that he got his turban stuck in the tire air pump thing, like it got sucked in or something... and she was just scoffing at him and laughing him off. And... I just kinda laughed at the absurdity of it, because I had this Looney Tunes cartoon of it happening in my head and it was pretty slapstick funny. But... inside... I was like... that's a religious garment, that's like... he's gotta feel really panicked that he doesn't have it. That's a big deal to some people, like real big. Like "lost a wedding ring" big. And they didn't even try to take him seriously and help him, they just laughed him off and told him to leave, they just said "it doesn't work like that, it blows air, I don't know what happened to your turban but our machine didn't suck it in" or something. And... yeah, in hindsight... poor guy, you know? I wish I had been a bit more present, I could've probably offered to help him.

I seriously... I hate how scared of people I am here. Just... in general, I guess. Like... crossing paths with a homeless person who was just yelling out loud in the street the other day. It's hard to really... empathize with that. It confuses me. It's alien. I'm super self conscious, it's like... the complete opposite, just like... ultimate not giving a fuck. Hard to put myself in those shoes. And that kinda freaks me out, I guess. Encountering people from different cultures at the gas station, it made me feel bad. Like... it made me feel like a bad person. Because I just... didn't know what to expect, really. Like... I didn't know what they were thinking, because I didn't know how I appear in their eyes. If that makes sense, I'm finding this hard to articulate clearly. Like... 3/4 of the people I run into I'm scared are going to try to steal my skateboard. Which is fucking stupid, because it's like 35 lbs and the controller for it is strapped firmly to my wrist and I'm going at least 8mph at the time... But my anxiety just tells me I'm gonna get a knife or a gun pulled on me and they're taking the board, my earbuds and my phone. And I just... I guess it's because I'm alone.

It's weird. It's most people. I just... assume I'm pissing them off, they're going to yell at me, they're going to call the cops on me, they think I'm stalking them, they think I'm creepy, they think I'm dangerous, they think I'm annoying or making a lot of noise (the board can be a bit loud on brick, but it's a really fun texture to ride on), they think I'm a hipster dad trying to reconnect with a lost youth (not far off, minus the dad part...). I have no idea what others see when they look at me. And I clearly assume the worst.

And over the past few years, I've heard some nasty things. Nasty things that people think of me. And... I'm afraid a lot of that might've gotten beaten into my head?

I'm having trouble wording this right, I think. I don't trust the people around me... because I don't know what they think of me, I don't know how they perceive me. Because I very rarely get social feedback, and the overwhelming majority of it is either avoidance or conflict. So it sorta stands to reason that the most likely perception of me is... negative. Or suspicious. Which means people will be guarded around me. Which means... I'm not safe.

God... what a mess. What a mess my brain has devolved into. Looking at this, no shit I don't go out in public. And all I've been begging for, for years now... is someone to just wingman. So it's safe for me to meet new people and branch out. Ugh.

How many times do I need to have this panic attack, good lord, I'm such a broken record on this! Every anxiety response I have - "I went to the store and I ran into people that must have been suspicious of me because I'm a white dude with a shaved head in his mid-30's wearing black" - and it always catastrophizes and then resolves at the same damn lament... "if only I had a friend. Someone to have my back."

I hate living like this.

Last time I'm hitting this point, I promise. Just... picture this. Instead of me going skating alone with earbuds in trying to ignore the thoughts of people staring at me and judging... or the cops pulling up and ticketing me for riding on the sidewalk or some dumb shit... Instead, me meeting up with a friend to go cruise and explore with. Exploring my new city, with another person, so it's... you know... fucking safer. So if I crash, I'm not fucking stranded alone. So if I get mugged, I at least have someone to help me out after the fact. Someone who knows where I am and can get help. Someone to just... keep me company, and tell me I'm doing a great job, and laugh at my jokes and shit.

Oh, and since we're basically sending wishes to the gods here, might as well ask for my flexibility back in my hips, and whatever weird shit is going on with my neck, if we could get that straightened out, that'd be dank. Thanks Lumbyx, God of Spines, love your work. Praise be.

Welp. That was like... my whole day. Didn't even shower. Just wake up. Grababrush putonalittlemakeup. Yoga. Skate to the shop, hit the riverside and see geese (which was cool) and head home. Watch youtube and eat and... stall. Then stream for 6+ hours.

And here I am.

I'm upset because... it didn't feel like an accomplishment. It was, there were several large accomplishments today. But they didn't feel like accomplishments. I have that feeling where I'm going "man, I want a cigarette" and I just came back inside from smoking a cigarette. Like a hunger. Dissatisfied. Discontent. Uneasy. Wanting. Longing. Craving. It really is like a hunger. I mean that. Like I could easily see others (myself even) trying to sate this hunger with... food, or water, or alcohol, or nicotine, or benzos, or pain pills, or weed, or sex, or like... anything, really. It's a very generic hunger. A very general, deep hunger. So vague and general that I really can't define what it is or where it is.

This, in the past, was why I made those Rimworld-style "Needs meters". Right now: Food - 7/10? Rest - 2/10 Recreation - 9/10 Beauty (of immediate environment) - 5/10 Comfort - 5/10 Outdoors - 7/10

(7+2+9+5+5+7)/6 = 35/6 = 5.8/10 total Mood

So... why am I in such a shitty mood then? Why am I so upset? 5.8 is really not that bad! What's the hunger about? Welp, in Rimworld, that would be one of the Mood modifiers. Not a biophysical thing... like base human needs, the stuff above. It's more of a... thought kinda thing. Psychological effects.

Which is what has brought me to this revision lately where like... I feel like Rimworld should have a need bar for Social. Because it really does feel like a basic survival need. And shit gets really fucky in your life if social just... disappears, or is all bad.

This is where I randomly and suddenly end the journal entry because I'm tired and I notice it's getting a bit late. I wish I had something useful to do with this Rimworld RPG self-help method. It really fucking upsets me that like... I presented this specifically to 3 professional licensed psychologists, one the head of a psychology department at a college, and all of them nodded and smiled and rolled their eyes and tuned out like I was a 5 year old telling them how I was going to be an astronaut someday. Because I found this game mechanic that, in staggering detail, not only maps out both the human psyche and Mazlow's hierarchy of needs, but creates a simulation of that system in a simulated environment. You can see it functioning in real-time. You can alter it. You can see the effects it has on mood and health and relationships and shit, you can see where mental breaks hit and what causes them. It's like... the foundation of the entire game. It's like... it's fucking psychology and self care in a nutshell. It's like a roadmap for self-therapy. And I made a 45 minute video breaking this down in painstaking detail for these people and they didn't even fucking watch it. YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF IN RIMWORLD, IN PREPARE CAREFULLY. I fucking did it myself to show them! Not even kidding, I made myself in Rimworld, my house, my cat, my dog, and screenshotted the needs tab with the bars and the thoughts list and everything. And I gave them the screenshot to show them, on fucking paper, precisely every goddamn moving piece of what was going wrong in my life. And they did that whole move that shitty parents do when they go "oh wow, that's a wonderful dog you've drawn, let's put it on the fridge a little later" and then the slip it into the trash.

I swear to god, this system helped me immeasurably in being able to get out of my head and actually identify my problems specifically. Like... look what I did here! Up above. Like, my problem is clearly not a base human need. I'm tired, but the rest is doing surprisingly well. It's a craving for social contact, or a craving for... emotional comfort? I'm sure if I tallied out my big mood modifiers, it'd paint a much more detailed picture. But identifying that this hunger is not a biological component is a really important factor for me, because it really feels like a biological factor... and that can be enough for someone to start binge eating or drinking or smoking or whatever, just to make that mysterious hunger go away.

I would love, more than anything, to share this tool with others. This could like... really help people. This could be the kind of tool that people in my generation that just... struggle to connect with therapy... they can do as homework. In an approachable context. Imagine this as an app. And you plug in your stats, and your modifiers. And if you hover over negative modifiers, it can give you suggestions of common remedies to help ease them and boost mood. Shit like that. I mean... come on... Just as a day-to-day self-care kind of thing.

Maybe someone will listen to me someday and see the value of stuff like this. This idea has lasted over 4 years now and I still hold the value of it, its value to me has increased. All because some phenomenally talented indie game developers wanted to make a game that simulates the function of human mood/psychology/biology in a survival scenario. What fool would not use such an advanced and well-crafted tool?

Okay. This is where I end the journal entry. But reset the vibes first.

The highlight of the day was... seeing the geese by the river. There was a guy filming them, no idea what for but it made me so happy to see it! And the river was beautiful, my first time down by the riverside at that part of the river, above the waterfall. And the light was beautiful, and the ancient brick mill buildings at the side of the river just looked really striking. I took a picture, even. That's a memory that will stick with me. I love nature. :)

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

0 notes

negansbackdoorwhore · 2 years

Text

Art of Pursuasion

Warnings: rough smut, teasing, dirty talk, swearing

Negan woke you up when he tried to be careful by pulling his arm away from your sleeping body. You groaned as you leaned on your arm and watched him getting dressed.

“Go back to sleep Y/N.”

“Don’t leave yet.” You whined and stood with the sheet wrapped around your nude body. You made your way to him trying to put his shirt on, he laughed as your arms wrapped around his stomach and kissed at his shoulder tattoo.

“I wish I could stay but I have shit to handle baby.”

“Pretty please don’t go.”

You say with a pout as Negan turned to see you looking adorable in his eyes. He leaned down to kiss you softly and grabbed his boots. You still frowned as he continued dressing himself, you decided he needed a reason to stay.

You dropped the sheets to fully show your naked body and he ignored you. Before he could slip his boots on you kneeled in front of his legs. He watched you as your hands went to spread his thighs apart. His hand tried to stop you but you stood and took his wrists to have his palms covered your tits. Negan’s breath hitched as he began to massage them and moaned as you kissed him.

“Fuck, I really have to go baby.”

“Are you sure about that cowboy?”

His eyes shut as your hand palmed him at the zipper of his jeans.

“Baby c’mon the guys are going to pissed off if I’m late.”

“So what? I thought you were the boss around here.”

You say in his ear and move back to your knees and undo his zipper. He bit his lip as you pulled his cock out of his tight boxers. At first you stroked him and heard let out a frustrated groan with his impatience to use your mouth.

“If you don’t put that pretty mouth on my fucking dick already.” He moaned when you put him between your lips and fully took him. His fingers going into your hair and guided you along his shaft. You mouth watering at the taste of him and giving enough lubrication to make him slick. Negan lifted his shirt above his head to toss across the floor, his breath getting heavy and he leaned back on his elbows and his head thrown back.

“I fucking love that dirty mouth of yours baby. Oh yeah, take me deeper, I wanna feel your throat.”

You did as he wanted and deep throated him while cupping his balls to massage them. He bit his lip and groaned as you looked up at him to lick his tip.

“Shit. You look so good like that. C’mere.” He motioned with his hand and you crawled onto his lap to have him pull you into a sloppy kiss. His hands cupping your ass before giving a hard slap causing you to gasp between kisses. He smirked and moved his hands to pull his jeans off before kicking them off his ankles. He went back to kissing you and you wanted to continue sucking him off.

“Here baby, I wanna feel that mouth around me again. But not like that, move thar pretty ass over my face.”

You felt your clit throbbing at the image you put in your head. Negan moved toward the center of the bed and you situated over his body as your ass was in his face. His hands caressed your ass as he admired the sight while you were taking him into your mouth again. He held your hips and lowered your pussy onto his tongue. Your moans vibrated on him, his tongue running from your entrance to your clit. You pulled away from him as he took your clit in between your lips to suck. It felt so good and you continued giving him pleasure as well.

You both stayed like this for a while and Negan then moved his hips away from your mouth. You whined out as he stopped and looked at him over your shoulder.

“Move down so that I can fuck this pussy baby.”

His body sitting up straight and your hips hovered over his wet cock. Your back against his chest and you both moan as you take him fully. His lips kissing your shoulders and letting out a shaky breath as your hips grinded on him.

You moved to knees and moved your hips on his cock, Negan watched you closely and dug his fingers into your waist.

“Yeah baby. Keep that good shit up, your pussy feels fucking amazing.”

He whispered against your neck and you whimpered as your body began taking over when you slamming onto him.

“Fuck yes. I bet you’re loving that dick inside you. Yeah you are babycakes.”

He began sucking hickies along your shoulder and neck and your hand reached to hold onto his hair. He lifted you off him for a second so you could turn to face him. His eyes watching himself disappear into your cunt again. Negan lowered his head to suck one of your tits and your legs feeling like they were going give out. Your orgasm was approaching and his tongue moving into your cleavage as his nails scratched your thighs.

“Oh baby. I’m almost there, you better fucking come with me. Or fucking else.”

He growled into chest and holding your middle tightly by his arms. You whimpered as you held onto his shoulders and his teeth biting on your throat. Your orgasm hit hard and you cried out his name. He growled as he came inside you and his hot breath against your neck. Your body trembling at the after shock when he pulled out ans his arms held you securely.

“Oh yeah. That’s it ride that shit.” He whispered as your body convulsed in the afterglow. He wore that sexy smile and you looked up at him with sweat covering each other’s bodies.

“You know you’re fucking hot as shit like this.”

He kissed your forehead and laid on his back and pulled you down with him. You giggled as your fingers scratched at his beard.

“So are you staying?”

“Fuck yeah I am, wait here a minute while I go talk to Simon. He’ll take over for the day.”

“Okay, hurry back.”

Negan stood up to put on a his shirt and sweatpants while he covered you with a blanket.

“Don’t want anyone seeing my goodies.”

You just rolled your eyes before leaning down to kiss you one last time.

“Stay like this, I’ll be ready for round two when I get back.”

Taglist:

@iluvneganandjamie

#jeffrey dean morgan x reader #jeffrey dean morgan #jeffreys thirst squad #negan x reader #negan x you #the walking dead negan #negan smith #jeffrey dean morgan x you #jdm fanfiction #twd negan #negan smith x reader #negans thirst squad #negan smut

895 notes · View notes

225s · 2 years

Note

for jude i think it would be cute if you could write something based off one of his recent matches where he went off on a teammate and just consoling him and understanding that he’s young and carries a lot of the weight so the pressure gets to be a lot

bad patch (jude bellingham)

For the first time since you started going to Jude's games, you find yourself counting down the minutes until the final whistle blows - even wishing the game would somehow be finished earlier, praying for a sudden snowstorm that'll make the field unplayable. You feel bad for thinking this way, but the scenes playing out in front of you are simply unbearable to watch, and you're clearly not the only one who's had enough of it. A handful of home fans around you makes their way up the stairs, walking away from the disaster on the field while the opponents celebrate their fifth goal of the evening, as if the first four weren't enough yet.

Your eyes wander from the cringy, badly choreographed celebrations to your tired boyfriend who's yelling at his teammates, frustration written all over his face and posture. It's become a familiar sight in the last couple of weeks, every loss only adding to the sour mood. You can't say you're looking forward to the rest of the evening, knowing Jude won't be a sunshine and will probably barely even say anything, and even after all this time of dating, you haven't fully mastered the art of comforting him yet.

When they finally leave the pitch, heads hanging low, you decide to wait for Jude in your car, feeling a bit awkward about seeing the other players' girlfriends as your boyfriend spent the last thirty minutes yelling at their lovers.

It doesn't take long till you're joined by Jude, the car door slamming shut behind him a good indication of his current mood. He doesn't even acknowledge you, eyes fluttering closed as he sighs, head falling back against the chair. You both just sit there for a while, trying to collect your thoughts and looking for words to say. Jude's the first one to succeed at this, tiredness evident in his voice as he speaks. "I'm sorry you had to see that disaster of a game, I know you've got better things to do than watching us lose every damn time."

"Hey now, you don't need to apologize." You reach out to cup his cheek, trying to get him to meet your eyes when you talk. "You know I'll always come to your games, even when you play in the worst sunday league team that gets relegated every single year, I'll still be on the sideline screaming your name. There's no better thing to do than watch you do something you love."

You feel a little sense of achievement when you see his frown subside just the tiniest bit, but there's still a sadness in his eyes that makes your heart hurt. "You do still love it, right? Football?"

"Yeah, of course." He nods decisively, his body melting into the passenger seat. "Just wonder whether the rest of our team does, too. Sure doesn't seem like it sometimes."

"You guys are just going through a bad patch, it'll get better, I swear." You just hope it'll be sooner rather than later - you can't stand seeing your boyfriend like this, so defeated and exhausted. You miss his smile after a win, lighting up the stadium and warming the heart of every supporter, you miss dancing in the living room to celebrate his goal, you miss him.

"I really wanted to score for you," he mumbles softly, his words barely audible, "Hate disappointing you. And the fans."

"Hold up." Your other hand moves to his cheeks as well, holding his face so that he stops staring through the window and looks at you instead. "You're not disappointing anyone, okay? Not me, not the fans, no one. Every time you step onto that pitch, you give it your all and that's everything we ask for and more. You're so young, you shouldn't feel like you've got to fix all of this shit. Don't be so hard on yourself."

Your thumbs are quick to wipe away the tears slipping from his eyes, lips following suit, placing tender kisses all over his damp cheeks until a small smile breaks through on his face.

"Thank you," he whispers and lets his forehead rest against yours, "I really needed to hear that. You might have to repeat it a couple of times though."

"I'll make it a part of my morning routine," you smile and place another kiss on his lips. "Speaking of routines, I was thinking of a pamper night? You know, ice cream, face masks, bubble baths and stuff, to destress?"

"I can think of something else to destress." Jude wiggles his eyebrows at you, a cheeky grin on his face that soon turns into a pout when you softly slack his arm, murmuring a 'perv' under your breath. "I meant a massage! You're the pervert here, babe. Gee, seriously, get your mind out of the gutter."

"I swear to God, next time you lose I'll just make fun of you."

#hope you like it!#jude bellingham #jude bellingham blurbs #jude bellingham imagine #jude bellingham imagines #jude bellingham blurb #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham fluff #jude bellingham one shot #footballer imagines

437 notes · View notes

arvinsescape · 3 years

Text

Too busy.

A/N: I am so sorry this took a while to get out, but here it is! I hope you all enjoy, it is based off a request that @tomhollandlol sent me and I hope you also enjoy and thanks again for your patience. I did change a couple of things but stuck to the basic concept, I hope you don’t mind 💕

Request: Angst one shot, they have 2 kids together, different scenarios, he never pays attention and does something else and is always too busy.

Warnings: Bit of swearing, mentions of sex.

W/C: 4.2K

This last six months had been the hardest she’d ever had to go through, in her entire six years of marriage to Tom, this had been the hardest. Having two kids on top of that didn’t make it any easier, she felt alone, more alone than she had in her life, she was bringing up two children, seemingly on her own. Their eldest was almost four and their youngest was nine months old and teething, which meant she cried a lot.

Tom had been there for most of their journey, he shared the work load and it made life easier but this last six months haven’t ben the case. He became busier, he had two projects going at once and whilst she would happily make allowances for his career it was becoming too much for her. She hated the assumption that things should be easy because she was a stay-at-home mum but that was far from the truth. The children were so young that they needed her constant and undivided attention.

She was struggling to give two children her undivided attention and recently she’s become run down, completely running of fumes. She lives her life in a constant state of tired, she barely does a thing for herself, hell even a shower seemed like a hard task half of the time and Tom? Well half of the time she wasn’t a hundred per cent sure exactly what it was he was doing. She wondered how he hadn’t noticed, how he hadn’t seen the tiredness she constantly displayed.

Half of the mums at school had noticed, she saw it in their looks of pity when she arrived with her son, looking run down and disheveled because she couldn’t make herself look presentable. She didn’t have the time because either her baby would need something or her four-year-old which left no time for herself in a morning.

“Tom?” She shouted as she bounced Ava on her hip.

“Yeah?” He shouted back from where ever he was in the house.

“Can I get your help please?”

“Y/N, I’m busy.”

“You’re always busy.” She muttered to herself as she gave up and tried to soothe Ava on her own whilst making Noah’s lunch.

“Tom, I’ve just cleaned there.” She spoke, almost in disbelief as she watched her husband place his golf clubs in the middle of the hall.

“I’ll move them in a bit.” He shrugged. “I need to read over some stuff.” He said as he wandered down the hall and into his office. She couldn’t help herself as she flipped him off on his way, thankful he couldn’t see.

“Tom? Is there any chance you can take Noah to school tomorrow? I need to take Ava to an appointment and I don’t wanna be late again.”

“I can’t darling, I’m busy.” He answered, eyes on his laptop.

“Tom, please? I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.” She tried and Tom looked up at her.

“Y/N/N, I am really busy right now. Just take Noah into school earlier and then you won’t be late.” He said and she looked at him in disbelief.

“Right, yeah, okay.” She huffed and left his office, shutting the door with enough force to let him know she was upset with him.

“Daddy! Look what I did.” Noah screamed as he made his way through the door.

“I’ll have a look in a bit my love, I’m busy at the moment.” Tom answered and their son huffed in response.

“Daddy!” Noah shouted as he ran into his father’s open arms. “Can we go for ice-cream?” He asked excitedly.

“Ask mummy, I have some work to do.” Tom said and Noah visibly deflated.

“She already said no, she’s too tired.” Noah mocked his mother’s voice.

“Well I expect she is tired.” Tom said, they never bad mouthed each other in front of the children. It wasn’t something either of them did.

“Why? She doesn’t work.” Noah folded his arms over his chest and Tom looked at him in a scalding manner.

“That’s not nice. Your mummy works really hard to make sure everything and everyone is okay. Don’t talk about her like that.”

“But she doesn’t do anything. She looks after us, my friends mummy works and she’s fine. Everyone at school has said it, she has nothing to be tired about, that’s what my friend’s mummy’s say.” Noah huffed, he had a bit of a temper streak. Tom’s heart plummeted, where people really shit talking his wife? To the point his son had become subject to it.

“That’s enough now Noah.” Tom said as he set his son down.

“Whatever. You’re always too busy and mummy’s always too tired. You’re both boring.” He snapped before running into his bedroom and slamming the door. This made Tom’s heart shatter, they were both trying to do the right thing. Tom really contemplated his life choices and in hind sight he wished he’d done something sooner, especially with the conversation he was about to have that evening.

“Tom, you are never here.” She exclaimed, a small comment having sparked an argument that had her struggling to keep her voice down.

“I’m busy. Look in a couple of months I’ll be here.” He said and she huffed folding her arms over her chest.

“You’re always busy Tom. I can’t remember the last time you put us first.”

“I’m doing this so I can take some more time off, Y/N, I don’t wanna be that guy but I earn the money, I can’t just stop working.” He snapped and she felt her anger rise in response.

“That’s bullshit,” she hissed out and he was taken aback by her tone. “You were in some of the biggest movies going a few years back. We are not struggling for money, that is some bullshit excuse for the fact that you’re not around.” She hissed, voice laced in nothing but venom.

“Look, I have a week off starting tomorrow, I don’t need to be anywhere and I won’t have any responsibilities, I can help.” He offered and she sighed, anger leaving her with nothing but defeat.

“I hope so.” She shrugged and Tom looked at her carefully.

“What do you mean?” He asked, there was something in her tone that scared him.

“I mean,” she sighed. “I can’t keep doing this, I’m tired and I need more from you.” She didn’t sound angry just tired and Tom felt his heart drop.

“Meaning?” He asked tentatively.

“Meaning, I can’t carry on doing this and next time it’s going to be a very different conversation. A conversation about us that I really don’t want to have but it’s come to that.” She sighed out before turning on her heel and leaving Tom with his thoughts. His heart shattered, had he really been so neglectful?

Tom was free for a week, which helped slightly because their son was always itching to spend time with his father. She thought this would mean that she got a little respite after their conversation the previous night but that’s not how it panned out.

“Y/N?” Her husbands voice echoed through the halls and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes at his tone. She shouted back her location within the house and few seconds later he appeared. “I need you to look after Noah.” He said, their son hot on his heels, she furrowed her brows.

“Why?” She couldn’t help but asked and Tom gave her a sympathetic look.

“I need to get some of this work done and as much as I love him he’s distracting me.” Tom spoke and she couldn’t help but huff, it was always something.

“I thought you were off this week?” She couldn’t help but ask, tone clipped and she instantly regretted using it in front of Noah.

“I was but then my agent emailed this morning and I now have a load of work to do.” He said, there was a sadness laced in his tone but she didn’t care. She passed him feeling bad about it, she needed him to put them first and recently he hasn’t.

“Fine, whatever.” She grumbled out a response and Tom felt awful, he could see how tired she was, he wouldn’t deny that. But these two projects were taking over and he felt just as tired trying to keep up. To anyone else looking in they would have said the couple needed to sit down and have a chat but of course relationships are more complex than that and the couple were still waiting to have said chat.

“Baby, I’m sorry.” Tom spoke and she sighed.

“It’s whatever Tom. He has some schoolwork he should be doing anyway.” She said, tone defeated and Tom sighed before nodding and making his way back into his office. He wanted to say something but he was afraid to start an argument in front of the children, the two had agreed that their arguments would be kept private, the children didn’t need to know about them.

She spent the afternoon trying to split herself between helping Noah with his math’s work and Ava with her teething. Noah was a bright child when it came to English and Art but Math’s? He was no good at and required a lot of help. She found herself growing frustrated the more she went through the work, she felt guilty but she was so tired she couldn’t help it.

“No, Noah. I’ve shown you this now. Come on, you need to work with me.” She said and instantly regretted the words.

“Mummy, I am trying but I don’t get it.” Noah said back as Ava burst into another flood of tears. She jumped up from her seat, Noah making a noise of annoyance at her actions. She scooped Ava into her arms and rocked her, it was making no difference, the ache in the child’s gum causing ample discomfort.

“Ava come on, shh, it’s okay. Calm down.” She said as she hastily scanned the living room in search of her teething ring. Her eyes landing on the object and she hastily picked it up before handing it to her daughter. She placed the ring in her mouth and instantly her screams calmed to small cries. Once she was settled enough, Y/N placed her back in her high chair and proceeded to help Noah.

She was tired by the end of the evening, her only job being left was to put Noah to bed and he just wouldn’t settle either. He wasn’t great at bed times, he was an alert child who found it hard to switch off for the day.

“Mummy, can we please have another story?” He asked and she felt herself deflate, all she wanted was to have a bath and go to bed.

“But sweetheart, I’ve already read two.” She tried to reason and Noah threw his book onto the floor which made her sigh out as she retrieved it.

“Please mummy? I’m not even tired, can’t I just play with my toys?” He asked, arms folded across his chest and she wasn’t prepared for what was to come next, signs of his temper tantrum approaching and fast.

“No sweetheart, you have school tomorrow.” She sighed out and she watched as her sons face turned into a rather sour expression.

“So? I’m not tired. How can I sleep if I’m not tired? You’re supposed to read to me.” He said and she sighed.

“Baby, mummy’s tired herself okay.” She said, she really didn’t have it in her to stay awake much longer.

“Then get daddy to read to me.” He huffed and she nodded before standing up and making her way into her husbands office, a soft knock pulling him from his work.

“Come in.” Tom’s voice spoke, eyes still trained on his emails.

“Tom? Can you read to Noah please?” She asked, hopefulness lacing her voice, her husbands eyes finding her tired ones. There was something about the way she looked tonight, the way she looked like she was struggling to keep herself stood that reality hit the man hard.

“Of course baby.” Tom said as he stood and he didn’t miss the flash of shock grace his wife’s face. He felt immensely guilty, he hadn’t been there for past six months and he could see what that was doing to her. “Have you eaten?” Tom asked and she shrugged.

“Bits but I’m not hungry.” She said as she rubbed at her red and tired eyes. Tom felt like an utter dick, he’d taken on too much and left his wife to pick up the pieces.

“You should eat.” Tom said and she shrugged.

“I just want to go to bed Tom.” She whispered out and he nodded in response before making his way over to her and kissing her forehead before pulling her into a hug.

“Then go sleep love. I’ve got Noah.” He spoke and she felt relieved, completely and utterly relieved, she didn’t even want the bath anymore, that could wait until tomorrow. She didn’t miss the excitement in her sons voice as Tom made his way into his room and she smiled before practically face planting the bed and falling asleep.

It was eight o clock in the morning when she woke, she felt sluggish as she grabbed for her phone and looked at the time. Heart beat picking up far too quickly for her bodies tired state.

“Shit.” She exclaimed as she rushed out of bed and into Noah’s room, only to find the bed empty. “Noah?” She shouted as she ran down the stairs, her mind was racing, she was running late. How had she slept for so many hours? And how had it gone interrupted?

“In here mummy.” Noah shouted back as she raced into the living room.

“I’m sorry, I’m up, I just need to get changed and then we can set off for school.” She rambled as ran into the kitchen to sort out his breakfast.

“Darling, slow down.” She heard Tom’s voice and she spun around to look at her husband, he had bags under his eyes and his hair was a slight mess. How could he still look so good? She wished she could look as good as he did, even tired.

“What?” She looked around the kitchen, evidence that Noah had already had his breakfast. His school bag filled with the books for the day and his packed lunch.

“I’m gonna take him in. Go and chill out.” He spoke as he pulled her into his chest and kissed the top of her head.

“Thank you.” She sighed and Tom nodded.

“I’ll take Ava and then you can get some rest if you need it, I’ll be back soon. I’ll do the shopping, should be an hour or so.” Tom spoke and her heart soared at his words.

“Did Ava sleep through?” She asked, realizing she’d not been woken up by her crying last night.

“Yeah, a few times. I slept in there, wanted you to catch up on some sleep.” He admitted and she could have cried with the happiness the revelation brought her. “We need to talk when I get home.” He spoke and she nodded. “Okay, well I’ll see you in an hour.” He said and she nodded before kissing her son good bye and making him promise to behave.

An hour and a half later and she’d had a relaxing bath, one that she was more than thankful and ready for. She’d even managed to have a hot cup of tea, a stark difference to the cold ones she was used to. She’d even managed to read a chapter of her new book, she still felt like she could sleep for a while but overall relaxed and content.

“Hey.” Tom said as he leant against the doorway to their bedroom. She placed her book down and looked at him.

“Hey,” she said somewhat awkwardly, she wasn’t sure how this conversation was about to go.

“I’ve just put Ava down, will probably give us a good hour or so.” He spoke and she nodded. “So,” he sighed. “We should talk.” He continued and she nodded again, words not being able to find her, she needed to know how he feeling, what he was going to say first.

“I’m sorry, I want you to know that. I’ve been so wrapped up in what I’ve been doing that I haven’t noticed what I was doing to you. I’m so used to you being the one who has everything together, who know exactly what to do that I thought you didn’t need my help as much as you do.” He started and she opened her mouth to speak but no words came out before he beat her to it.

“I know that’s not an excuse, it’s poor on my behalf and I’m sorry. You and the children, you mean everything to me. All I want in life is for you guys to get everything you want and need and I’m sorry that I’ve been the way that I have, there are no excuses.” He said and she felt her heart lift, the two could fix this, fix what has been happened. “But I need something from you.” He spoke and she furrowed her brows as she waited for him to continue.

“I need you to be honest, I need you to tell me what it’s been like to be you. I don’t want you to spare my feelings, I want you to let it all out. I’m listening now, darling, I need to know what this has done to you, how I can make it right.” He said and she nodded slightly before sitting up in bed properly, her back against the head board as she carefully played with her wedding ring. Tom sat carefully on the edge of the bed, he needed to hear what she was about to say.

“Tom, you’ve just not been here.” She started with her biggest problem. “Even when you are in the house it’s like you just expect me to do everything. You expect your clothes to be washed, dried and ironed, you expect your dinner on the table and I never used to mind. You would always say thank you but recently you haven’t and it made me wonder whether or not you just expect it of me, that it’s my job.” She started and Tom kept quiet, he wanted her to continue.

“Tom, you used to be so attentive.” She said as she reached over and took his hand in her own. “You always used to be here, know when I needed help without having to ask. I don’t mind doing all of those things for you, I really don’t but when you don’t get a thanks it feels a little like you’re being used.” She continued and his heart shattered, he would never intentionally use her, he loved her, loved his family.

“That brings me onto the kids, Tom they need so much attention. They want me to split myself in two half of the time and I can’t, it’s impossible. They both need so much from me and given Ava teething I don’t even get a full night’s sleep. I am constantly trying to run off energy that I just don’t have. It wasn’t so bad when Noah was a baby, we took shifts, you helped. Recently though Tom, it’s been me that gets up and tends to her, me that sacrifices sleep.”

“I know that might sound selfish but when you have a partner, a husband who’s supposed to help with all that it gets tiresome. I found myself getting so angry with you, I wanted to be you, I wanted to bury my head in paperwork and think of nothing else. There were days when I honestly wanted nothing to do with you, I didn’t want to be around you because everything little thing you did angered me.”

“I’ve been so tired, my mind is never where it should be. I’m always doing stupid things because I’m so tired. I never feel like I get anything back from you. I’m too tired to have an evening to myself when they have gone to sleep, I just want to sleep myself. I’m always running around after them, something you barely do anymore, sure you play with them but when was the last time you had to deal with one of Noah’s meltdowns?”

“I get that you have a lot on, I get that two projects keep you busy and if we didn’t have kids it wouldn’t affect me as much but we do and it does. I need you to be there for me Tom, I can’t keep doing this alone, I can’t.” She ended her rant and Tom felt awful, he was so angry with himself, she didn’t even sound angry anymore. She sounded like she’d accepted it and she was just tired with the situation, somehow he wishes she was screaming at him right now.

“I’m sorry princess. There are no words, no excuses for what I’ve done. I’m sorry I made you feel like that, it was never my intention. You mean the world to me, you and the kids. Things are gonna change, I promise.” Tom said, he knew now that actions spoke louder than words, it wasn’t what she wanted him to say it was what she wanted him to do.

“On top of all of that Tom, I can’t remember the last time we did anything as a couple. Most of the time I’m asleep when you get to bed, I can’t remember the last time we touched each other, it’s just draining. It all adds up.”

“I know darling. I promise things are gonna change. Why don’t you pick a film and I’ll be back in a minute?” He said and she nodded as she flicked the TV on and got herself comfortable in bed. She couldn’t remember the last time she had a day in bed. Tom returned almost ten minutes later and she wondered where he had gotten to.

“Where did you end up?” She asked as he made his way into the bedroom, two bottles of water in hand.

“Well, I grabbed these, I made sure Ava was still okay and the baby monitor is working properly and I had to send a couple of emails.” He admitted and her heart dropped, after everything she’d just said? He took in her expression as he placed the water down and jumped into bed with her. “Not like that darling, I’ve passed one of my projects onto Harrison and Harry, they’re gonna finish it up.” He said and she relaxed. “I promised things will change and they will.”

“Daddy!” Noah shouted as he ran to his father, who was there at the school gate to pick him up, Y/N right there next to him. It had been a while since they both picked him up. Ava was a little more settled today which made things a little easier.

“How was school?” Tom asked enthusiastically and then almost cried when he realised how long it had been since he asked that question.

“Amazing!” Noah gushed as he looked at his mother. “Mummy, you look so pretty.” He spoke and she laughed.

“She always looks pretty.” Tom defended her and Noah nodded.

“Yeah, but she looks extra pretty today.” Noah said. It had been a while since she was able to put effort into her appearance and she felt better for doing it. Even if it was only a nicely picked out outfit and tamed hair. “Can we go for ice cream?”

“You my boy have an obsession.” Tom laughed as he poked his son playfully. “But yeah, I think that’ll be a good idea.” Tom said as he looked to his wife who nodded in response. She didn’t miss the looks of jealousy thrown her way when they saw her with Tom.

“So what did you do this afternoon?” Noah asked his parents as he was being strapped into the back of the car.

“We watched a film.” Tom stated, it was an absolute lie, they’d gotten half an hour into the film before Tom had his head between his wife’s legs. It had been a while since they’d done anything like that and when they both realised that fact. When they both realised how long it had truly been since they’d done anything, they spent most of the afternoon catching up with each other’s bodies. In between tending to their baby of course, they both felt energized after their endeavors between the sheets.

“Was it good?”

“Absolutely amazing.” Y/N answered as Tom slipped into the driver’s seat, she took his hand in hers as she held it in her lap.

“Can we watch another film when we get home?” Noah asked excitedly.

“Sure, how about we go and spend the afternoon doing something fun and then we can go out for tea, go home and watch a film?” Tom suggested and Noah fist bumped the air.

“Yes! Does this mean you two aren’t going to be boring now?” Noah asked and Y/N and Tom found themselves laughing.

“Yes, this means we aren’t going to be boring anymore.”

#tom holland x reader #tom holland angst #tom holland fluff #tom holland x y/n #tom holland one shot #tom holland x female reader

266 notes · View notes