can feel my star wars divorce slowly but surely beginning. I can’t do this anymore besties

tagged by the incomparable @briarhips to post nine book recs <3 sorry so many of these are classics im going thru smth

Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen: This is MY Austen of choice. I'm doing a reread atm and it's very Emma in it's social commentary but this is THEE eldest daughter book of all time. Maybe I just like when characters are super repressed but if you want to see a woman (who has spent 200 pages being soooo hinged) have the most cathartic breakdown about it......

Identitti, Mithu Sanyal: For fans of Kuang's Yellowface who want a bit more of an academic lens! Our main character, a 2nd gen Indian-German woman, spends years of her life in the trenches of postcolonial study under a seemingly Indian woman who is then exposed as white. It doesn't give you any easy answers but it provides a lot of scholarly resources and leaves a lot of space to come to your own conclusions. Read it on a plane. Kinda fire.

Eros the Bittersweet, Anne Carson: We all know Carson. But I'm picking a nonfiction essay instead of Autobiography of Red or her translations mostly because this one takes you behind the curtain of a lot of her famous translations when it comes to the aspect of love. I'm not really nonfiction girl in general but this was worth it

Chain Gang All Stars, Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah: Speculative abolitionist fiction! Set in a near future where prisoners can compete in death matches to try and win their freedom. I've honestly read nothing like this...ever, like it's in a league of it's own but if you're a fan of the way footnotes were used in something like Babel you're gonna wanna check this out. Multiple povs (really interesting pov switching from a craft perspective actually) overlap to paint a stark and realistic depiction of American prisons.

The Devourers, Indrapramit Das: This was described to me as "IWTV but with werewolves and in Mughal India and actually really good" and while that's a pretty comprehensive plot summary it does not even begin to cover the shit this novel goes through. This is a book about transformation and stories and what letting a story live in you can do for you. The werewolves are kinda obviously a genderqueer allegory as well (as they often are in sff lmao) but when the interviewer himself starts talking about gender in his experiences you can see how that changes the story he's transcribing and it's just very cool. Heavy trigger warnings on this one though. Don't read if you can't handle a bit of piss (they are wolves). Writing style wise feels very similar to the magical realism of The Hungry Tide if that's ur bag

The Mill on the Floss, George Eliot: In the way that s&s is my Austen, this is MY Eliot. A classic story about women of this era who cannot fit into the boxes society lays out for them. A failed romance brands the main character an outcast in their town in a way that is. Hear me out. Fucking Utenaesque. Follow for some classic tragedy and themes of water....I would compare this more with like Dickens Bleak House than Austen though.

Villette, Charlotte Bronte: Once again. MY Bronte. Maybe it's just cause I read this before Jane Eyre but literally I do not understand why Miss Eyre gets so much more love than my girl Lucy. In broad strokes the story is about an English girl who ends up having to support herself by moving to France and becoming an English teacher at a girls boarding school. She's also plagued by a terrifying apparition of a nun, because this is Charlotte we're talking about and there's a bit of Catholic v Protestant thing going on. I read this during the very early pandemic and let me tell you some of the descriptions of isolation and loneliness are soooooo. yeah.

Monstrous Regiment, Terry Pratchett: Listen. Like, listen. It's that good. I wouldn't put a discworld novel up against fucking chain gang all stars unless it was THAT good. This is a classic 'girl dresses up as a boy and goes to war to find her brother' story. It definitely started as a commentary on folk songs/stories but it is at it's heart a novel long criticism of imperialism, nationalism, and organized religion (there's jokes though it's funny). Also not to be that guy when it comes to LGBTQ book recs but the thing came out in 2002 and it's surprisingly thoughtful when it comes to both gender and sexuality. You do not have to be a fantasy fan or a discworld fan to read this. If you gave Pratchett a try and didn't like it i STILL insist you give MR a shot. It is in a league of it's own.

Wives and Daughters, Elizabeth Gaskell: Do not be scared off by the sheer length of this one. It's fucking silly. This is one of my faaaaaaaave 1800s novels about class. We have juxtaposition between Molly's family (her father is a gentleman but a working doctor) and the landed gentry but also this divide between the uneducated Squire and his Cambridge bound sons and another one with the 'new money' gentry. There's also quite a lot of early science and anthropology documented in this (Gaskell and Darwin were besties) if that's interesting to you. WARNING: SHE DIED BEFORE SHE FINISHED THIS. ITS LIKE 99% DONE THOUGH

This was a hard list to narrow down but I have to include (at least as honorable mentions): Ling Ma's Severance/Bliss Orange, Cixin Liu's Three Body Problem and the SFF POC anthology New Suns

tagging: @weltonreject @bronskibeet @gaymersrights @orchidreign @brechtian + any and all mutuals i know ive forgotten <3

Another tag game

Thanks to @freddykicksasses for tagging me. Same as the last one, I’m not sure who has or hasn’t done it at this stage, so to avoid me tagging people who have already taken part, consider this an open tag to anyone who wants to get involved!

What I usually wear:

Pyjamas, mostly. I work from home so I don’t often actually get dressed. When I do go out, I most often wear a long black dress with some boots. I have a big soft spot for 90s grunge fashion and romantic goths, so I think my personal style is a mish mash of those. 

How tall I am:

5 foot 3 and a half babyyyyyy

My star sign. Do I know any celebrities or historical event that shares it:

I’m a March pisces, so you know, god help us all. I think Matthew Gray Gubler has the same birthday as me?

Do I go by a name or nickname:

I go by Seth online in settings like tumblr, discord, etc, where I have a more anon vibe. If someone wanted to try, they could probably string together a link between my tiktok and my tumblr, but other than that I keep my real name out of spaces where I don’t show my face. I prefer to be unhinged anonymously. 

Did I grow up to be what I wanted to be as a child:

I found an old school workbook when I moved out of my family home a few years back and there was an essay in there that I wrote when I was 7, all about wanting to be a Model slash Vet slash Millionaire when I grew up. Dear reader, I am none of those things.

Something I'm good at vs Something I'm bad at:

I’m a good cook! I can follow a recipe like a motherfucker and I’ve got enough of a foundation that I can mess around with flavours successfully. My husband isn’t vegan like I am, so I had to put a lot of focus into learning how to use my sense of smell more than anything when I cook for him too. It’s fun.

I’m terrible at doing anything in half-measures. If there’s a small, medium, and large drink option, I’ll get the large. I’ll only get the most expensive and biggest thing I can, at any time. If I can’t, I’ll be sad about it. I’ll force myself to finish a full plate even if I’m stuffed. I’m very all or nothing and it definitely comes with it’s own challenges. Especially with money, because I’m not well-off by any stretch of the imagination. I read once that growing up in a poorer situation can lead to not knowing how to manage money as an adult and boy howdy, am I a great example of that. 

If I draw or write, what's my favourite of anything I created this year?

2022 I’m guessing? I’m proud of how crushcrushcrush is turning out, despite everything. I’ve always struggling to write so much dialogue and I’m happy with how I’ve done it in this fic I think. When He Loved Me was a very cathartic thing to write for me as well. I spent a lot of time really thinking through how that mental state can manifest itself and how it can present in certain situations. Honestly though just for the sheer fun factor, I’d have to say Eddie/Hotdude Official Megathread! is my number one. 

I’m trying to work on an original story this new year so hopefully I end up being proud of that too. 

Dogs or cats:

I have three dogs and six cats so I think I have to remain neutral here.

Something I would like to make content for:

Myself! I spent years and years writing what I thought other people wanted to read and it only led to me not writing anything for a very long time. I’ve been using fanfiction to reignite my spark and so far so good!

Something I was excited about that turned out to dissappoint me:

Panic! At The Discos last two albums. They were my absolute favourites right since AFYCSO but I just couldn’t fall in love with Pray For The Wicked or Viva Las Vengeance. 

Hidden talent:

I have double joined toes and can move them like fingers. I used to be able to roll my tongue into two rolls but then I got a load of tongue piercings and can’t do it anymore

💫🍉

From this post.

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

I think every author would say "anything at all" and that's true, but I'll try to be more specific cause "anything" is not really a helpful answer. Mostly I love reading about how my writing affected people, whether that's screaming in the tags of a tumblr post or leaving a borderline incoherent comment on ao3, though the people that leave in-depth long comments are <3333

Commenting can be *hard*, same for any kind of more direct communication with the person who wrote/created the thing, but I promise that I look at it and my brain bluescreens cause I still cannot process that people actually enjoy reading my stuff. Everything counts, even if it's just a comment saying "kudos again <3". I appreciate any and all interactions cause I'm in fandoms exactly to talk to people about the stuff I like.

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

I could write a whole essay on that alone tbh. The short answer is that for a long time it was my only somewhat-productive coping mechanism and the only real outlet I had for all my emotional bullshit. I have more now, including therapy and meds, but writing helps me process heavy emotions and internal concepts I cannot quite put into words otherwise. Having someone else go through them is basically processing by proxy and very cathartic, which is also why I tend to reread my own works to access specific things again.

The way I write Ellie's trauma in particular is heavily influences by my personal experiences so it's not only accurate to how trauma and PTSD works but also just tied to real-life experiences I can point to as examples and that help me develop plot and conflict. Oh, and Silhouettes is basically what brought me through my break-up, I love that story to pieces.

I love reading your tags and I know we talked about stuff like this on here before, and I think you are absolutely right regarding Finn and her anger towards Russell and even herself for what happened in Seattle and later on for everything she goes through in Vegas. Under A Cloud is one of my favorite episodes for this reason, we get so much more of that angst and hurt from Finn. But even going back to the season 12 finale “Homecoming” Russell tells her he never said she was wrong about the Cooley thing which makes me think he was only angry at her for putting him in the position of having to fire her. And makes things even more complicated in her head. There is so much complexity to their relationship I could write so many essays. Thank you for getting me motivated to think about them more (as if I couldn’t help but keep them in the back of my mind all these years since the show ended 😂) but I really miss it and them and I don’t think I’ve found another dynamic quite like Russell and Finn on TV since then.

Hey!! I'm so glad you don't mind me tag rambling meta and/or idiocy on your content, because it makes me very happy :)

This is INTERESTING because it made me realise I've spent a lot of time thinking about Finn being angry with the job/the system/Russell, but not really at HERSELF and I think that's such a good insight?? Like I think she would HATE feeling like she's disappointed people because she is such a people-pleaser, but /especially/ Russell, and honestly that's probably a good part of the reason she's so resolute and adamant about being right, because if she's the one who's been wronged then it's easier to avoid thinking that she's hurt anyone else??

And the point about Russell not saying she was /wrong/ about Cooley is so key (I'm close to Homecoming on my re-watch and looking forward to it!) - and it touches on something else I've been thinking about lately which is that so often they refer to him firing her / her being fired, and only a couple of times touch on the fact that he actually asked for her resignation. Which feels like a Very Important Distinction in the sense that doing it that way essentially meant she was able to take some time away and then work again, whereas had she actually been /fired/ I don't know if that would have been possible? Like I think from Russell's position, doing things that way probably saved her career in the long run, but 9 times out of 10 she's just like 'u fired me >:(((' which is actually not even TRUE.

Okay this was long but it also felt extremely cathartic so thank you! I totally get what you mean about not finding another dynamic quite like that, because hey, it's a decade later and here I am re-watching :')))

2020 Creator Wrap

2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works

I was tagged by the oh so talented @irolltwenties!

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I’m not a particularly prolific writer (WIPs for days, but completed projects? Not so much). Somehow in this hell year though, I did manage to complete more fics than in any previous year for a total of seven new works (~49k words, all on ao3), plus a chunky chap of a long running WIP (~20k words) so I’m actually pretty damn proud of myself! I also made some new fandom friends in 2020 which has easily been one of the biggest delights of the year & has definitely helped my creative momentum, so ty all for that. <3

Counting down from 5, here are my favs:

5. Downtime

I have endless love for JayRoy and it felt so good to finally finish something for them for once this year! All of my past WIPs primarily focused on them ended up firmly in my graveyard folder, including the fic that this one shot was originally meant to be connected to. I liked the way this turned out well enough to clean it up and post it on its own though, so at least now I can say that I have something published for them at last.

(Also it got me back into the JayRoy headspace enough to outline a whole YJ/Earth16 JayRoy fic that I’m excited to start drafting in 2021, so we’ll see where that goes...)

2.3k NSFW; A mix of playful sweet and roughness, just like them.

4. Mirror Image

Bluepulse Week really saved me this year in terms of forcing me to just write, damn it! Did I finish all the prompts this year? Nope. Did it get me to complete a handful of fics that I ended up really loving? Yes. This was one of them.

This fic zoomed into existence entirely out of necessity as an alt idea to a prompt that I had a much longer idea for, but didn’t have time to complete. It then got a positive enough reception that I decided to turn it from a crack-adjacent, passable one-shot to a slightly more developed two-shot by request of one of my commenters. Really, it was writing that second chapter that ended up endearing the fic to me.

6.3k Humor, time travel shenanigans & accidental dating. This fic is the sweetness of teenage crushes, the confusing mess of discovering your sexuality, & laughter with your best friend.

3. Soft Wesper One Shots

Would you look at that, another nsfw piece. Could it be that I’m starting to get to the point where I can look back at completed nsfw fics without cringing terribly? Love that for me.

This fic took me by surprise, tbh. I wouldn’t consider myself a part of the grisaverse fandom (I’m utterly ambivalent toward the OG trilogy & have no plans to read them), but I did fall deeply in love with the whole Six of Crows gang earlier this year to the point of having quite the book hangover afterward, unable to pick up anything else except related fanfic for a couple weeks straight. These fluffy, nsfw scenes were born out of that, and I was pleasantly surprised to see such a positive response to them in the comments. The whole SoC gang has my heart, but the dynamic between Jesper and Wylan in particular got my writing fingers itching.

3.7k Domestic, post-canon fluff & tender sex with flirty Jesper & blushing Wylan abound.

2. Stick With Me

Ohh, I still get warm fuzzies thinking about this fic! If I’m only low-key proud of the first three on this list, this is one I’m legitimately very proud of. I had this idea on the docket already from a convo with @ivyxwrites early this year (or maybe last year? who knows, time means nothing anymore) but used Bluepulse Week as the excuse to finally get started, and I ended up adoring the process of writing it far more than I anticipated.

As much as I love planning out meticulously crafted, plotty stories, sometimes all you want to do is pick some well-loved tropes out of a hat instead and run with them (in this case: stuck in a cabin, only one bed, & heated argument leading to confession). It was freeing to just mess around and have fun with this fic, knowing pretty much right from the get-go how I wanted it to unfold and seeing it so vividly in my mind. It also probably helped that I was writing it for Ivy; it’s much easier for me to stay motivated when creating directly for my friends.

Finishing this was also such a serotonin-filled burst of pure victory for me since, as previously stated, I’m terrible at finishing projects--particularly multi-chap fics, particularly within a decent timeframe.

25.5k A showcase of the essence of what I love about the best friends-to-lovers dynamic. Part character study, part wires getting crossed & uncrossed, and whole idiots to lovers. This fic is the warmth in the pit of your stomach from a yearning made real & the sudden clarity of realizing what you were looking for had already been there all along.

1. The Rest Pt 1: Delicate (Remember Me Chap 4)

Oh, Remember Me. Of everything I’ve ever written, this story remains the one I’m most proud of and certainly the closest to my heart (not to mention the longest running, whoops). The first iteration of the beginning of this story was actually drafted back in 2017, but I walked away from it for a couple of years before deciding to dust it off and try again. It has spiraled into something far bigger in scope than I originally planned for, but I’ve come to love the path it’s led me down so far, and finishing this whopping 20k chunkster of a chapter was like breathing a huge (if temporary) sigh of relief.

This chap was particularly cathartic to write because it allowed for a number of convos between the boys that had really needed to happen, and was finally the ‘getting together’ moment the fic had been building toward for a while. It’s also so sappy I could die, but I will not be apologizing for that, lol. I was really hoping to get Chap 5 up this year as well, but y’know. Sometimes things just don’t work out like you plan for and that’s okay. 

Chap 5 does have 17k done already (with prob another 5-8k still to go) & I’m itching to share it, but no sense in rushing if the end result would suffer for it. Luckily, everyone in comments has been kind enough to beat me over the head with ‘take your time, we don’t mind/we’ll still be here!!!’ which I’m immensely grateful for. So, at least the pressure to hurry up and get it done is purely self-inflicted.

Of all my works, this fic has not only gotten the most passionate responses, but has also been the main gateway for me to interact with other bluepulse creators, which has been a real joy. Nothing brightens my day like the essays people leave me over there from time to time after discovering the fic. That kind of engagement is the highest praise, & responding is very self indulgent fun for me (bc, clearly, I could go on and on about this fic & YJ in general forever).

54.8k total so far (WIP). Bart & Jaime’s relationship journey from beginning to ‘current day’ (aka the moment the fic begins), using amnesia/memory restoration as a framing device. The high highs and low lows of first love, navigating a 3 yr age difference, and the long, winding road from best friends to lovers as the years roll on. Slow-burn-adjacent (in terms of both the boys’ relationship to each other and reader’s relationship to the fic bc of how long I take between goddamn updates).

Tagging @ivyxwrites, @incorrectbatfam, @paintingwithdarkness, @bluepulsebluepulse

YGO Questionnaire Part 2 Electric Boogaloo

So, my gf/bf @howaboutalittlehelpneos tagged me to do this again a... good long while ago, and I had wanted to wait until I'd finished my GX rewatch before trying this again. But ouch oof I accidentally also got through all of 5Ds again before getting to this lol

But the 5Ds rewatch definitely reshaped a lot of my thoughts, so... cracks knuckles. This won't be spoiler free, fair warning~

Favorite Series: ugh the formatting killed my original essay on this but okay GX and 5Ds are pretty tied in my book, now-- I love them equally, but in different ways! GX fulfills my love for subversive coming-of-age stories with a heartwarming, humorous, and also soulcrushing touch, and I love how each season brings a new story and new characters-- it's like reading installments of a novel series, and I think the formatting works wonders for it as a whole. It has some absolutely phenomenal character writing, too-- even the characters I dislike are ones I can appreciate for what they introduce to the story! And honestly, not enough people give the first two seasons of GX the credit it deserves: they're half the charm, really. How are you going to feel the full impact of the heartbreaking content in seasons 3 and 4 if you aren't properly attached to the characters?

But on 5Ds's side of things... it fulfills my love for stories with time loops, found family, human nature, and of course, love and death and how they intertwine. I love how the leading characters are just a bunch of broken kids from broken circumstances who all find a home with each other, and of course, how it highlights class disparity and how fucked up the prison/"justice" systems are. Yea, sure, maybe it underwent executive meddling and all, but I genuinely love it for what it is and I wish more people appreciated it... my only problem with 5Ds is the untwist with Z-ONE and then the ending s m h I adore it overall and I could go off for a long while on it. Overall, these are my two instinctive recommendations for anyone getting into Yugioh!

(look at these boys they're so important) Favorite Protagonist: Oh, believe me, absolutely nothing has changed here-- Yusei Fudo is and always will be my favorite protagonist, and my rewatch only solidified that.

I just... love him so much? He's seen so much hell in his life and carries so much guilt on his shoulders, but he still has room in his heart to believe in others and to believe that anyone can defy fate and find hope even at rock bottom. I love that he's initially introduced as this quiet, brooding figure when he really just turns out to be a huge softie who wears his heart on his sleeve half the time and wants to bring about change for Satellite and its people. Plus I just really love that his greatest flaw is something that would ordinarily be a positive trait-- he's Overly self-sacrificial, to the point where he's basically setting himself on fire to keep others warm, and that's not really framed as something Heroic

Just... he makes me so happy. I have two Yusei charms that I ordinarily keep on my keys (one was a gift from Zenzen) and they're a constant source of serotonin for me. He's Peak comfort character for me. Best protag in my book Favorite Rival: Same deal here-- still Manjoume!

look at him he's so important

While he spends a lot of the anime getting the good old damsel in distress treatment (getting suckered into a cult, getting knocked into a coma, becoming a zombie, getting fucking Killed, etc), I still think his character arc is really well-written overall and I only appreciated it even more when I watched GX again. I love the fact that he's got a soft heart he buries beneath the edgy facade, and that he's simultaneously really sharp and also kind of dense lol. He's just a fun character and watching how he evolves from episode one to episode one hundred eighty is such a satisfying journey.

Plus, props to him for being such a versatile duelist-- 50 wins in a row is HARD as is, let alone with a deck full of cards he just found laying around in the Arctic. Three ace monsters, three different archetypes... he's a really good duelist and I'm proud of him for it

Oh, but honestly, I don't really dislike any of the rivals-- I'm neutral towards Revolver and Reiji, but the remaining four (Kaiba, Manjoume, Jack, and Shark) compel me. yes I accidentally wound up liking Jack Atlas shhh Favorite BFF: Honestly, I really like most of the characters who fit this archetype-- Joey, Crow, Gongenzaka, Soulburner... I still lean a little bit more towards Joey, but I really appreciate all four of them. I'm gonna say Joey again, just because I find his evolution as a character the most compelling, but I appreciate the other three a lot. Soulburner has the best design though Favorite GFF: Oh absolutely still Aki, but I honestly... really love most female Yugioh characters? I'm assuming this is lead girls only, but like. I'm dumb and gay and I love Girls so this is naturally the most difficult one for me to answer lol

Aki just resonates with me the most because she's the prime example of how trauma doesn't always manifest in palatable ways-- when we first meet her, she's angry and lashes out at anyone and anything just because she wants the world to suffer in the same ways she's suffered, and then... we get to watch her grow from that, once she's free from Divine and able to heal the way she needs to heal. I know the second half of 5Ds didn't give her character the attention it deserved, but I'm still proud of her for winding up on the path she did-- seeing her channel her power and energy into wanting to heal and help others was just so good and was one of the few things I really Loved about the 5Ds ending.

oh, but like. Asuka Tenjoin and Aoi Zaizen are very close seconds for me!!! Aki just has a vice grip on my heart Favorite Villain: Okay, it's still technically Vector-- I think he's the most entertaining, well-written, and effective villain out of all of the ones we've seen so far, but... I also want to add Takuma Saiou and then all of Yliaster as honorable mentions?

As someone fond of tarot myself, I was naturally pretty intrigued by Saiou the first time I watched GX, but my attachment to him only grew the second time around where I actually got the chance to understand his character better. Plus, like... the visuals with him are fucking astounding and he's always so interesting to watch.

As for Yliaster, I just... really love how the big bad of 5Ds turned out to just essentially be a broken man desperate to save anyone and anything and three robotic reconstructions of the friends he'd lost. I still think the untwist with Z-ONE was stupid and I much prefer the idea of him and Yusei being the same person, but I'm still compelled by the other three-- well. Paradox less so, because we don't get a lot of Paradox lore, but. Aporia and Antinomy for sure.

ugh Yugioh has some damn good villains

Favorite Card: now that I actually play the TCG game...

Stardust is always going to be my favorite of all cards because it checks every box for me (my favorite YGO character's ace monster, space theme, what more could I want), but Aromaseraphy Rosemary has really become one of my aces in my best TCG deck! I'm still mastering irl plays, but I'm happy with my progress and I love my plant gang...

Favorite Episode: alright, here's where there's actually been a Lot of change, so...

Season 0: Episode 16: "Turnabout by a Hair's Breadth - The White-Robed Crisis" -- The more I think about this one, the more I love it; there's a... lot of corruption in the medical industry, and I've seen a lot of it firsthand, so just. Seeing a corrupt doctor get what he deserved at the end was cathartic, in a way? Plus, a Jounouchi-centric episode is always a good time.

Duel Monsters: Episodes 96-97: "Darkness vs. Darkness/One Turn Kill" -- this hasn't changed, I still love seeing Marik and Bakura bitch at each other for two whole episodes LMAO

GX: Episode 152: "Activate Super-Fusion! Rainbow Neos" -- This one hasn't changed and it likely never will-- I take so much pride in seeing Judai push forward, past the fear and guilt he's carrying, all to save Johan... it's cathartic and I never get sick of watching it.

5Ds: sweats. still all of Crash Town, but also episodes 137-147-- the Ark Cradle is one of my favorite parts of 5Ds and one of my favorite YGO arcs period, and even though each duel is a fucking gut punch, I love the emotional intensity and weight in each episode... It hurts but in a mostly good way

Zexal: Episode 143: "The Aloof Duelist 'Nasch': The Destined Final Duel" -- this one hasn't changed! Still hurts, still love it, I still weep over Ryouga Shark Kamishiro on a daily basis

Arc-V: Episodes 81-82: "Our Respective Battlefields/The Ultimate Falcon VS The Black-Feathered Thunder" -- Okay, honestly, this was hard because I... genuinely. really don't like Arc-V very much at all lol (it's just not my cup of tea, but more power to those who do like it!), but I thought this duel was a lot of fun! Shun is my absolute favorite from Arc-V and I really like the friendship he struck up with Crow a lot, so here we are

VRAINS (so far): Episode 25-26: "Virus Deck Operation/Three Draws Leading to Hope" -- honestly I am so biased because I just really love Blue Angel and I loved seeing her get a well-deserved victory like this lol. I'm not done with VRAINS, so this is probably gonna change, but anytime Blue Angel or Soulburner are on screen, I'm happy

Favorite Decks to Use: Aromages will always have my heart, but I adore Cyber Angels too! I'm building my Trickstar deck, my Synchron/Stardust deck (just waiting on Dawn of Majesty...), and my Magician Girls deck, too! Fusion, Ritual, Synchro, XYZ, Pendulum, or Link?: Synchros my beloved... but also Ritual Years in fandom: I've been here for just a little over one year now! and I wuv it... I'm never looking back Who am I tagging: no one I'm too shy

fic recs (part 1?)

hi!!! so @n3tn0b0dy sent me an ask about fic recs, and i am stupid so it took me a few mins to like. compose myself and figure out what this is. i am definitely absolutely going to miss a few fics here, which is why it is a part one. i will probably keep this short-ish??? maybe go into more detailed ones later :eyes: 

(i am realizing i am going to write essays for these and for that i am very sorry)

something close to domestic, maybe by @mystxmomo (hi!)

definitely one of my favorite danganronpa fics, currently and (probably) forever. it’s a mature rated kamukoma fic, following an AU in which, instead of the remnants being captured and taken to jabberwock, despair sort of... fizzles out on its own, leaving the remnants of despair-- and the rest of the world-- to sort of heal with it. it’s in a series with another fic, that is in the same universe but following a different narrative with different central characters, and though it only has one chapter rn i highly rec that too. 

i like this fic for many reasons and to avoid prattling on, i will bullet point it.

- easy to follow. there are not overly complex structures-- not that that is inherently a bad thing, i also tend to love that style-- which makes it easy to digest.

- strong emotional impact. this fic has made me cry very, very often.

- really good characterization. mystxmomo is very good with characterization overall, especially with kamukura and servant, and that really shows with this fic.

- a compelling plot that still retains a slice-of-life format. i don’t really know how else to elaborate here.

- an idiosyncratic look into their dynamic. this fic explores kamukoma in the process of them healing, which is pretty distinctively different to a lot of kamukoma fics. obviously, this is not to shade those other fics, but, yeah. i really like it. 

okay sorry for rambling very much there, i really highly recommend it, it is a ongoing multichapter (i should have said that earlier i apologize) and the writer is also very cool. 

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postscript by zombiekittiez

this is actually a series. it currently has three fics-- one that is fully completed (defy you stars), one that is a completed oneshot (supersonic man outta you), and an ongoing multichapter with pretty frequent updates (prince of a thousand). this follows a post-SDR2 storyline, with a lot of ships and dynamics within it, but heaviest emphasis on komahina. 

more bullet points! yay 

- the characterization is god-fucking-tier. this author is very, very good at characterizing these characters and i will not shut up about it ever actually. they feel real, and distinct, and flawed, and alive, and i love everything about it.

- good exploration of dynamics! i think the latter two fics especially shows this off really well. the friendships and relationships built are all pretty different from each other, but all feel like a pretty natural progression, sticking true to the characters, and feels very... real. which i like a whole hell of a lot.

- there are so many literature references and i am happy about it. there are also sparknotes-ish things at the ending notes of each chapter, which translates the quote, explains the significance within its own text, and applies it to the fanfiction. they are used in ways that make sense, too-- they don’t feel forced.

- the plot and plot building is SO fucking good. prince of a thousand has so many cliffhangers and i am very happy but also dying.

anyway, i really rec this series! be mindful of the tags and the ratings on some of the fics, but they are really, really good reads. 

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absent mind by galaxyaqua

okay. this is a v3 oneshot rec, exploring pregame rantaro, as well as his relationship with tsumugi shirogane. it’s rated “teen and up audiences”, and. holy shit, okay.

- the writing style of this is GORGEOUS. i don’t know what it is about the writing style, but it feels so much like rantaro is talking, which is so fucking cool, and i love that so fucking much??? i can’t even explain it, but it is seriously super neat. 

- the EMOTIONS. this fic is so fucking emotional, honestly? it shows you this realistic, flawed, you could consider broken, character, shows them finding some hope, and shows the loss that comes with that. it’s so fucking incredible, and the lines have stuck with me even now, and it’s been a bit since i’ve last read. i think about the last couple lines especially a lot.

- these impactful one liners. holy shit. every line means something in this fic, and it’s so fucking cool and incredible, and i just??? holy shit??? i really love this fic???

i will say that this fic is sort of depressing in places, but i highly, and i mean highly, recommend. it is not a super difficult read, and it’s super, super fucking good. so i really recommend it. 

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this sickness will save us by starrylitme // i believe this is @magioftheseas i am super sorry if it isn’t

okay. super, super fucking big content warning. this fic is a yikes, and the tags can sum it up a LOT better, but yeah. just keep that in mind. 

that being said, this is a really gorgeously written oneshot centered around soulmate au kamukoma, exploring the sort of... unhealthy aspects of their relationship. and i. Wow. okay.

- these fucking one liners. holy SHIT. i remember some of these scenes and lines so very well, and it does live in my head rent free. 

- the tone of this. the tone, and the mood created, is so fucking... i don’t even know how to describe it. terrifying? eerie? super fucking intriguing? it shows this shitty situation in an appropriately terrifying light, and it inflects so much emotion and connotation into the scenes, and holy shit. like, if i wanted to do a case study of incredible tonal work and diction and all, i would absolutely grab this fic.

- the characterization. while kamukura and komaeda are placed in a very interesting predicament, they still manage to stay pretty damn close to being in character, which i personally think is super remarkable. it almost enhances the circumstances too, ngl. 

- their dynamic. their dynamic in this fic is NOT healthy, and that is shown in full “glory”, in a very messy and dysfunctional and terrifying way, and i absolutely love it. it has a kind of realism to it, almost a cautionary tale but not quite, a sort of “this isn’t very good but it still feels grounded in realism”. and wow. Wow. it’s so fucking good.

mind the tags, but definitely rec this one. 

-- 

some scattered accounts i will gush about and if they have a tumblr account i will do my best to tag it. 

@kidcarma, same name on ao3. 

- okay, cam is just super fucking talented with characterization, and i adore all of their fics so fucking much? the way they characterize komaeda, kamukura, and hinata resonate super hard, and i just. really love their stuff. they are also absolutely wonderful so please support them do it why aren’t you doing it just kidding haha unle

@celestial-nova, celestial_nova on ao3

- nova is my best friend and i fucking love her, also her writing is fucking art. does a lot of naegiri and some stuff out of this fandom, but i seriously recommend her stuff. she’s really fucking talented and absolutely incredible and i adore her so very much. 

sinnohremaker on ao3

- their stuff is MAJORLY cathartic to me and they are also super sweet, love them a lot.

shutupnerd on ao3

- SHE IS REALLY TALENTED, I LOVE HER WORKS!! they are also super cool and i just appreciate her a lot fksdc,mxv, her fic “an account of events” is really good

@whatsupscythia, hinataisnothim on ao3

- i fucking love her writing, does some really good hinata prose, highly recommend it

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i am ABSOLUTELY forgetting people, i am ABSOLUTELY forgetting fics, and i am ABSOLUTELY going to bash my head into a wall when i realize i have forgotten people, but uhm here is an impromptu list. i hope this was good? idk how to do fic recs. uhm yes support all these people they are dope

A/B/O, r*ape fantasy, and subverting ones fears

Ok so, I know there's been poor media compression cancel culture takes that any fan work that depicts abusive toxic or dark situations or themes is evil and an endorsement of those behaviours. I'm gonna call total bs on that for a few reasons, and get some analysis in while in at it. Strap in folks! In this essay I will,talk about my take on the subtext and role of the a/b/o universe as a specific breed (ha) of a wider phenomenon that humans just kinda have.

So, people of all backgrounds write and create dark unhealthy works for a even wider variety of justifications, and that's totaly valid (as long as their are proper tags and tw, be polite yall). But a huge through line I've noticed as a nerd of questionable taste is that dubious concent and overblown power dynamics show up pretty much everywhere. It's almost like that type of fictional scenario is hot and intriguing to people for a reason.

Theirs actually science and historical validation for this concept, here's a whole book about it: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/My-Secret-Garden/Nancy-Friday/9781416567011

Theirs something about the fear of living in a society(tm) and dealing with the preyhood of a woman under patriarchy, or the othered deviancecy that clings to queer identitys. This pressure and anxiety is really satisfying to twist and invert on itself, or even just explore in a detached way, through erotic fantasy. Theirs a reclaiming of power that comes with finding these things hot when removed a degree from reality.

This definitely is a large component of the apeal of a/b/o content. The distinct class system that puts omegas either subhuman or prized pets is a overblown way to satarize and express personal angst around gender roles and misogyny. When omega characters are degraded or denyed agency because of the omega status it can be cathartic because it confirms that the experience, or fear of experiencing, gender based violence are felt by others, and can be put through the horny reimagination process to louse it's power over you, at least on a personal level.

The focus on mpreg and breeding is also intresting, I myself have some angst about my personhood sometimes being secondary to my fertility, (American Dr's are shitty sometimes) and have confronted and exorcised that angst through pregnancy focused fiction from time to time. With real world reproductive atomny being in contention, exploring this or sidestepping it with exaggerated contrast can be fun and satisfying.

I'm not saying reading smut that explores these themes is good therapy or anything, but that it's a normal human thing that should not be a source of shame or ridicule.

2019 fic writing round up!!

@quinnmorgendorffer tagged me to do this yesterday (or the day before maybe i don't know i'm exhausted) thank you alex ily

can you believe i actually started adding up all the words and kudos on all my individual fics before i remembered ao3 has a stats feature l m a o)

total 2019 word count: 42,178

total 2019 hits: 2,121

other ao3 stats: 254 kudos, 57 comment threads, 28 bookmarks, 46 subscriptions

total 2018 word count: 32,013

total 2018 hits: 2,865

other ao3 stats: 282 kudos, 62 comment threads, 44 bookmarks, 32 subscriptions

titles of and links to 2019 fics

in order of hits:

i believe in angels (something good in everything i see) (good omens, 4,822 words, WIP, 3/? chapters) - all the music in aziraphale's bookshop mutates into q copy of ABBA Gold. aziraphale starts to question his faith, friendships, and loyalties, to a soundtrack of 70s europop. i do plan to finish this one day but i can't make any promises.

An Abnormal Defect of Moral Control (IT, 2,722 words, one-shot) - eddie unknowingly stops taking his adhd medication. my favourite thing i've ever written.

Arresto Momentum (arrested development, 8,165 words, WIP, 4/? chapters) - an arrested development hogwarts au, featuring buster's first year blues, michael's anxiety, lindsay being a Gryffindor quidditch star, and gob gay panicking. i'm so sorry to the commenters asking when this is gonna update bc i don't think it ever will. i'm so sorry and i feel your pain.

Your Own Personal Jesus (good omens, 4,120 words, WIP, 1/? chapters) - a Catholic high school au, this time soundtracked by 80s new wave. i had big plans for this one but i really doubt i'll ever finish it.

you're in a hammock with a beautiful boy (IT, 600 words, one-shot) - a richard siken-inspired short prose thing featuring richie, eddie, and a hammock.

driving all night chasing some mirage (IT, 9,546 words, one-shot) - eddie and richie run away from derry and end up in asbury park, new jersey. 9,000 words of road tripping, pining, and me stanning bruce springsteen.

TBA (arrested development, 7,748 words, WIP, 4/? chapters) - band au!! the bluth siblings are in a band, their drummer (buster) loses a hand in a freak seal accident, and gob has many strong feelings about his replacement, tony wonder. part of the GG4EEADFU and the piano!gob cinematic universe. i really love this fic and i swear to god i will finish it someday.

Big Girls Don't Cry (arrested development, 4,455 words, WIP, 3/6 chapters) - it's 1959, lucille has her heart set on being prom queen, and she's willing to do anything to get it. i've got this one all mapped out and i really want to finish it at some point.

favourite fic: An Abnormal Defect of Moral Control. i was just diagnosed with adhd a few months ago and a lot of it just comes from my experiences growing up and just knowing that there's something wrong and your brain isn't functioning how it's supposed to but having no idea why or how to fix it. so it's very personal and it was really fucking cathartic to write and it's like actually pretty cathartic to re-read too?? i reckon a good chunk of those hits are just me re-reading it and crying a little bit.

hardest fic: driving all night chasing some mirage, mostly because i completely retooled it like halfway through. it started out as just the running away in the middle of the night and then breaking down and coming back idea, with a lot of flashbacks, mainly to do with eddie's car (there was one about him buying the car and it barely works so he spends a whole summer fixing it) and the mixtape (which i think gets a passing mention in the finished fic) was originally a really important part of it, and then i looked at google maps and realised that they were gonna pass by asbury park and i thought well shit that's definitely happening and it turned into a springsteen fic. and the title was originally gonna be from fast car by tracy chapman. the playlist i made was so long. i spent so many fucking hours researching cars for nothing. (if anyone cares, eddie's car is a blue 1968 plymouth roadrunner. the horn makes the roadrunner 'beep-beep' sound. imagine the comedic potential of eddie and richie in a car that goes 'beep-beep'.)

do you plan to take prompts in 2020? honestly, probably not. i never actually finish prompts so there's really no point.

what was the best thing about 2019? i had so many ideas!! i have google docs and memos full of ideas, and i think some of them are pretty good and i hope i can get around to writing them at some point.

what was the worst thing about 2019? i had so. many. ideas. i have google docs and memos full of ideas, and i think some of them are pretty good and i doubt i'll get around to writing them.

any last thoughts for 2019? all in all this was a pretty good year for my writing and i think i improved from last year, which is all i really want. that and the fleeting sense of self-worth i get when i get that '[someone] left a comment on [fic]!' email.

goals for 2020:

finish my WIPs

learn to finish things before i start on new things

hopefully write at least part of that one idea i have that i can't stop thinking about

look i'm very tired and i'm technically supposed to be writing an essay rn and i can't think of anyone to tag SO i'm tagging everyone who wants to do it.

Uncertainties - Tales of the Past Flashback 1

Tales of the Past Flashback 1 - Flashback to the group during Spring Term at USC

AU Summary - Career life is busy for a group of six friends when they meet a captivating woman with a beautiful soul. New friendships are forged and new romances revealed. All the while hearts are torn and closets are cleared of skeletons. True love always wins in the end, right?

AU Warnings - This Stand Alone will include the following 18+ subjects: Language, NS*W, Verbal Abuse, and Abortion. If ANY of these subjects will cause pain or hardship in reading, please skip reading Uncertainties. That being said, each chapter will include its own specific warnings.

AU Uncertainties Pairings and Characters: Drake x Riley /  Liam x Riley  /  Liam x Olivia  / Drake x Olivia / Maxwell x Savannah, including Hana, and Madeleine, and OCs

Tags @client-327 @dcbbw @carabeth @drakesensworld @purplegreyshrimp

Tales of the Past Flashback 1 Summary - Take a look back at memories the group share from their Spring Term, Freshman Year at the University of South California 

Tales of the Past Flashback 1 Warnings - NS*W, Language 18+. By reading this you consent that you are 18+

Chapter Word Count: 5,000 give or take

**All characters from the Choices Book: The Royal Romance are owned by Pixelberry Studios (Any other characters are the product of my brain…I probably should apologize now. 🙃😉)

Olivia and Liam are sitting out on the grass in the quad, soaking in the sunshine, while studying for their Spring midterms. Well, she's studying for her last exam while Liam is writing an essay. “I can't fucking believe for a History course your midterm is not an exam but writing an essay.” Liam gives her a wry smile. “Not my fault you chose to take Hell- manities, aka Humanities, this semester. You know that prof’s intention is to make as many of his students fail as he can.” Olivia scoffs. “My guess is the old man takes it out on us because he’s not getting any. His cringe worthiness is like a 20 out of 10, while his sexual attraction is so low it can't even be measured. Liam is lost in a sea of laughter while he falls backward onto the grass. “True enough, Olivia. From what I’ve heard from Drake he hates the prof as much as you do.” “Walker is a dumb ass, but for once he is correct in his description of the prof as the ‘Professor of Rapacious Evil’. I would feel sorry for the prof’s wife, but I don't have it in me. Her choice after all.” Liam looks up at the blue sky. “You know Olivia, we really can be big assholes.” “Meh,” Olivia shrugs, “It’s all apart of the college experience.”

It's quiet between them for awhile, campus life swirling around them, when finally Olivia clears her throat causing Liam to look up into her deep emerald eyes. “So Liam. I kinda need to tell you something and I’m not sure how you’ll react.” She takes a breath. “During the Midterm party at your guy’s frat house I slept with someone.” She looks trying to read his expression but gets nothing. After a moment Liam does a very tiny shrug. “Well I’m not saying I’m thrilled, but we have agreed not to be exclusive, and we’ve only been together since a few days before Thanksgiving Break. And come on, Olivia, it was a frat party after all.” Liam quirks a brow and chuckles, but she lowers her eyes. “Well, there's a bit more. The rest of the story is it was with Drake. I really fucked up Liam.” She pauses. “Ok, maybe that was the wrong phrase to use. Anyway Liam, how pissed are you?” Liam does swallow hard before answering, “Ok, so now I’m really beyond not thrilled at this point, but I know you two were…active most of last semester.” He looks back up the sky for a minute.

“Olivia, the six of us have only known each other since the beginning of the year, which obviously isn't that long, yet we all have become rather close quickly. We do spend all of our free time together. Hell, I think Maxwell and Savannah may actually be very serious already. If we were in a different stage in our relationship then this conversation is quite different. Right now you're not leading me on and Drake and I aren't in some backstabbing competition.” Liam leans up and gives her a sweet kiss on the cheek. She can finally look him in the eyes. “You know Liam, I’ve honestly come to hate him over these last couple months. He's an egotistical jerk who acts like it pains him to be around, I guess, anything.” 

She looks out over the quad with a frown on her face. “I can see your point,” Liam lays back on the ground again as he plucks a blade of grass turning it over in his fingers, “but as Maxwell and I are getting to know him more it seems that it might not be his ego so much that holds him back. There may be something else.” She gives him an over exaggerated sigh. “Well think what you want, I’ll just keep on hating him, a lot.” He laughs at her matter of fact tone. “What's so funny over there, Rys?” “Olivia, you find so much joy in pushing all of Drake's buttons. You really are a certain brand of evil when it comes to him, and if I wasn't getting to know you better, I’d be scared.” She flops down on the grass next to him and takes his hand, he chuckles as their eyes meet and gives her hand a gentle squeeze. “"No matter, Liam, I blame what happened during party on alcohol. Lots, and lots of alcohol.”

A few days later Olivia and Liam are in the dining halll for lunch. “Olivia,” Liam said over the chatter of the dining hall. “The Humanities exam is only three days away. You're going to have to put your pride aside and ask him to help you study for this exam. Only you two, out of the six of us, are in Humanities this semester. It could be, ummmm, let me think a moment.” he shoots her a devilish grin. “It could be a very….cathartic experience for you and this certain Humanities classmate.” As he finishes her eyes spit daggers into his soul and she hisses, “You know, you’ve been finding way too much joy in toying with me about all this.” Liam cocks his head, “Well, my minx, can you blame me? You have to admit we both benefit immensely when you’re all riled up.” He wiggles his brows at her. “Fine. Yes it is hot and amazing when I’m riled up.” He kisses her with a growl while those around their table look up and stare. “It seems, Liam, we agree on our stance when it comes to PDA, but back to the matter at hand. It's not all about pride in needing help for the exam. Around our small group of friends he’s using innuendo as his ammo to push my buttons all the time now, and it sucks.” With her arms crossed, and jaw clenched she looks expectedly at Liam for his response. “Well Olivia, what can I say? Karma’s a bitch. Look, just study together and pass your exam, okay. You need your GPA this semester to be better than last, or my little minx won't still be on campus with me Sophomore year.” His kisses her on the cheek and spots Drake, he waves him over.

“Hey Drake, we were just talking about you. Come on over and sit with us.” Olivia kicks Liam hard under table as Drake looks at them both, shrugging, while turning his eyes to Olivia menacingly.  “Heh, sure, thanks. So what's up with you two on this fine afternoon?” Drake asks as he sits. Liam glances at Olivia out of the corner of his eye as he answers, “Oh not much. We’re just sitting hear eating lunch and talking about midterms, especially Olivia's Humanities exam.” She would have Liam incinerated into ash that very second, just by one look, if at all possible. “Thank god all I have left that Hell-manities exam.” Drake looks at the textbook next to him and winces.

“Yeah, Olivia was talking about needing a study partner for that one, thinking two classmates getting ready for the exam would help out both.” Her eyes bore into Liam while Drake gives him a smirk as he replies, “Why the hell not? It's going to be a bitch of an exam, so sharing notes sounds good. My night class tomorrow doesn't get out until after the library and Student Union close. We can study in the lounge of our frat house. Those sorority girls in your house can't ever stop squealing or squeeing or whatever the hell you all call it.” Drake takes a bite of his burger and Liam slaps him on his shoulder. “Sounds like you and Olivia have a plan. Well, we’re off. See you later Drake.” When Liam and Olivia reach her sorority house she grabs him by the arm yanking him to halt. “So help me Liam, if you weren't so sexy and good in bed I’d wrap my hands around your neck and choke you hard right here.” Liam chuckles. “Oh Olivia, promises, promises.

The next night she is sitting in the lounge of the guy’s frat house simmering heading quickly into full on fuming. All the pool tables are being used by drunken guys and girls, liquor flowing, and couples are making out everywhere. Included Maxwell and Savannah which causes Olivia to visibly cringe. Finally Drake shows up finishing off some fries. “You went on a stroll for food after class while I’ve been sitting here in an ocean of morons?!” “Hey, the body and brain need fuel. So, shall we?” “Fine,” she sighs. “Let's just get this over with as fast as possible.” “Well, well, Olivia,” he pauses for effect, “I’ve never heard you say that to me, ever.” He raises an eyebrow and smirks. ‘I so want to slap you right now’. She stands to leave when she remembers, ‘I have to pass this exam, it’s almost fifty percent of the entire semester grade. Fuck.’ “Walker, just shut the fuck up and study.” 

With that she takes a seat again while they pull out their notes. Not long after Olivia realizes that Drake is actually smarter than she had originally pegged him to be. Definitely takes better, more detailed notes. ‘Shit, I really am going to need his damn notes and explanations for this exam.’ After about a half an hour later they can't even hear each other thanks to the college night life buzzing around them.  So Drake nods to upstairs with Olivia shaking her head vehemently. ‘But…Shit, I really need to pass this course. My GPA has to be better to stay in the Sorority House next year. Fuck.’ They reach Drake's room. “Door.stays.open. Walker.” Drake throws his hands up in surrender. “That was my plan.”

Studying for about forty-minutes the antics out in the hall are just as bad as they are downstairs. Drake gets up to shut the door but before he latches it closed he turns to her, “Would you rather leave?” ‘I so hate myself right now.’ “No. I’ve noticed how shit my notes are.” He shuts the door and she eyes his every move suspiciously. “For gods sake I’m not a jackoff. I never have nor ever will take advantage or force something on anyone. You even told me you remember your ‘yes’ this past party.” Drake says wholeheartedly meaning it all,  and she knows it's true. He wouldn't ever. “I know it, Drake.” But he does decide, however, to use this time to pay her back for the comment she made about him yesterday loudly in the crowded Student Union. “You just forgot I know how act appropriately with ladies because you never, ever told me ‘no’. You only screamed ‘yes’.” Her jaw clamped. “Is it not true, Miss?” ‘Oh I hate him.’ “That was low. I really do hate you Drake Walker. Actually I hate you even more.” “Guess that answers my question.” ‘After what she had said yesterday and the look on her face right now, yep. Worth it.’

She takes a few minutes to string together sentences of all curse words she can think up directing them at him, then sits back down. ‘Oh so totally worth it. Epic win. Put one the scoreboard board far Drake Walker.’ It takes her a bit, but she finally listens as he describes various art techniques and their major time periods. ‘How does remember all this?!’ “When in the nine hells did you actually get smart, Walker?” It has to be some sort of accident. Did you get your head pounded by another frat guy and it resulted in this miracle?!” Seething, “I’m not just a dumb piece of shit, you know Olivia!” ‘Hmmm, his intelligence, that was a fun button to push. I’ll remember that one.’ “Oh just shut up Olivia. Let's finish the art section and skip the western culture section. Then you can show yourself out.” “Fine.” She yelled. “Fine.” He yelled back. And before either knew it their lips were crashing together with Olivia’s hands grasping his shaggy brown hair. Like so many times before he slid her onto his lap first, as their tongues danced, his hands sliding up her thighs landing on her waist. And like every time before he stopped to asked her. And like every time before she answered with a yes.

He trails kisses from her shoulder blade, up her neck, across her jaw and their lips met again. She runs her tongue along his bottom lip, and as he opens his mouth his hands started to wander under her shirt moving up her stomach going up to… and then she goes tense and completely froze. Drake immediately stops looking at her for an answer. ‘I will not be some girl flitting between men. Especially when I actually care about a really good man. Done. Over.’ “No more. Not tonight, not ever Walker. I’m done. So many months wasted on you. Those months were all about living the freedom of college in my first semester. But that's it. That's all it was and ever will be, nothing.” Olivia gets up and gathers her things. ‘Fuck. Ouch Olivia. That was all it was? Damn.’ “Whatever Olivia. Whatever makes yourself feel better. Funny how it meant nothing, oh how many months later!” Drake is yelling while Olivia walks to the door. With her hand on the door nob she looks back. “What the hell has been wrong with me all these months.” ‘Oh no, you don't get walk out the door with that being the last words.’ Drake shrugs. “Great sex is great sex, friends with benefits?” They both look at each other for a long time, having an unspoken escalating argument. Finally Drake spits out, “See you Friday night when the group celebrates the end of midterms.” Olivia rubs her temples and answers in complete frustration. “Yes. See you then. We both care about all of our friends, Drake.” ‘Unfortunately, Walker, you have to be there.’ One last glare at each other. “But you and I, Drake, we will never be friends.” ‘Couldn't agree more.’ “Neither one of us would want to. Now get out of my room.” Olivia stomps out and slams the door.

As soon as she's out of Drake's room she heads down the hall to Liam's and pounds on the door. He opens it and she shoves him hard back into the room. He can't help but laugh at the look on her face. “I take it the study session went well?” Not saying a word she drops her things to the floor and slams the door shut. Liam quirks an eyebrow and before he can move she pushes him down on the bed crawling on top of him, straddling him as she immediately starts to unbutton his shirt tugging on it until she unfastens the last button. Liam sits up to shrug it off while Olivia grabs the hem of his undershirt pulling it off before he's even gotten the first shirt off. She pushes him back down, while he starts to speak, “Trust me, I’m not complaining but wh-“ Her lips are on his before he can finish. Her nails dig into his shoulders while his tongue runs over her bottom lip. She invites him in, soon tongues wrestling for dominance. Liam grabs her ass squeezing hard enough she yelps into his mouth. He loves that. His hands travel slowly up her hips, up her stomach and cup her breast while she begins to grind her hips on his. She pulls herself back up and throws her shirt to ground while he unfastens her bra which hits the ground as well.

Liam lavishes one breast nibbling and sucking on its bud until it's a hard peak, while he massages and twists the other. A moan rolls off her lips and he takes it as a sign to move to her other breast. Her taste drives him to wanting so.much.more. In an instant Liam is making quick work of the button and zipper of her jeans, sliding a hand down her pants rubbing her folds trough her panties. “You are so fucking wet for me.” Her eyes meet his as she responds in authoritative tone, “Up now. Time to get these pants off.” They stand and he slides her jeans and panties down while she uses his shoulder for balance kicking them off. She unbuttons and unzips his jeans then stands back, watching him pull them and his boxer briefs off.

Liam’s eyes rake her up and down, “Damn you're sexy. I can never get tired of seeing you like this.” Olivia just gives him a wicked grin as she slowly drops to her knees in front of him placing her hand around his hardened length, stroking it a few times before taking him into her mouth. “Shit.” Liam's head falls back as her tongue circles around his tip tasting the little bit that's already escaped him. He grabs a hold of her hair as her lips firmly surround him while moving him in and out. She lets out a deep moan against him as she moves. “Fuck, babe!” Liam begins to buck his hips while she takes him in fully. He feels himself hitting the back of her throat, while in his mind cursing and thanking at the time. ‘Not going to make it much longer if she doesn't stop this.’ He looks down and barely gets out with a husky voice. “Olivia, I,” he moans “You have to stop.” She looks up at him trough hooded eyes and he knows she isn't planning on stopping.

He gently starts pulling her back. She sighs against him one last time and lets go with a pop. “Liam, if you're stopping me from this you better do one hell of a job.” He whispers back, “I accept your challenge.” He grabs a condom while Olivia makes the decision to rest on her knees with her elbows down on the mattress. Liam turns and lets out a primal growl as his tongue meets her folds. Her breath hitches as he licks up to her nub while pushing a finger into her dripping wetness. He nibbles the sensitive spot with gentle pressure and circles it with his tongue. He slides in a second finger and moves them both back and forth. “Shit Liam, more! Now!” He sucks her harder as his slides in the third finger curling them just right reaching that spot which makes her knees weak. She arches her back and pushes herself into him. “Fuck! I’m…C…“ She yells his name and it's the best sound in his life. He gives her a moment while rubbing soft circles on her back. “Enjoy, a breath for a minute baby. We’re not finished.”

Waiting he licks and sucks his fingers clean as he strokes himself a few times before grabbing her hips sliding in his solid length. He waits a second as they adjust saying each other's name then he immediately starts with a hard thrust. He hears her throaty voice, “My, my. Impatient aren't we?” That’s all it takes for him to grab her hips firmly and thrust harder rocking back and forth as she moans his name over and over. They hit their rhythm and she pants “Harder Liam! Give me hard now! I need more of you!” ‘Shit, I’m barely hanging on as it is.’ Their skin slaps together as he reaches one hand around to wet his finger drawing tantalizing circles around her nub as he continues to thrust harder and harder. “Fuck Liam! Just…a…little…more...I’m, I’m-“ he begins to feel her grip around him start to tighten. “Liam, oh fuck. YES!” He sloppily thrusts twice more while she completely unravels. He stops holding himself back finding his own release. He smirks proudly as Olivia screams his name once more while they both ride out their waves of passion.

Soon they are falling onto the bed. Olivia grabs him close and lays her head on his chest as they work to slower their breaths while laying in their euphoria. “So, did I do one hell of a job? Enough to win your challenge?” Liam chuckles kissing the top of her head. “My god yes! I’ll happily lose that challenge to mind blowing sex any day. But, I don't lose other challenges.” He laughs as she kisses his chest and begins mindlessly running circles around his strong abs, while he looks at the ceiling twirling a piece of her long vibrant red hair around his fingers. Suddenly Olivia remembers the words she heard earlier “…Great sex is great sex. Friends with benefits?…” She raises to an elbow looking deep into Liam’s crystal sea blue eyes. “You know Liam, mind blowing is far superior to great.” He looks at her completely confused. “Just trust me here, babe. Mind blowing is so fucking superior to just great.” She smirks as she lays back down again resting her head on his chest. “Liam” she says into his chest with a kiss. “Yes babe?” “I think we should start seeing each other exclusively.” A few seconds later he kisses the top of her head and she can feel his smile. “Mmmmm, I like this decision of yours. A lot.”

A few weeks later after Spring Break, Maxwell, Olivia, and Drake are sitting in the Student Union waiting for Hana, Savannah, and Liam to show for their night out to celebrate the group’s reunion. While hanging out there Maxwell tilts his head to Olivia and wiggles his eyebrows, “I hear you and Liam are officially exclusive. Awesomeness!!! Now you guys can double with me and Savannah!” Olivia rolls eyes and flatly responds, “Oh, yay.” Maxwell smiles, “I know, right? It will be epic!” Drake sits back somewhat amused by the interaction. “Yeah, you four should start planning your first double date tonight.” Then he mumbles something about someone under his breath as quietly as he can, but Olivia notices. “Why Drake, are you jealous?” He is completely unfazed knowing she's just trying to push his buttons. Maxwell, on the other hand, grins from ear to ear. “Oh trust me Olivia, and let me assure you, he is most certainly not jealous. If Drake was actually under any kind of spell of your’s it's been bro-“ Drake snaps at him, “Beaumont! Why the hell are we celebrating tonight being back here for just more classes? Only you would think of something so ridiculous.” Maxwell looks over shaking his head, “This is about the six of us being back together after spring break, man. We gotta catch up.” Drake tilts his head backwards and shuts his eyes. “It was only a little over a week for gods sake.”

Olivia catches the extra sour tone in Drake’s voice. “I didn't know you could get any grumpier, Walker. What exactly is your extra problem? Are you going to continue to be such an ass all night? Staying away while radiating your extra bit of chilly venom.” Drake doesn't answer, but yet again Maxwell does. “He’s just pissed on an missed opportunity. Possibly a chance of a lifetime.” Maxwell is so focused on Olivia he doesn't register the rising anger on Drake’s face. “Ok, Olivia, so check this out. So you know how Drake stayed here over break and I got back a little earlier than the rest of you? We were in one of campus books stores, you know this campus has way too many all over the-,” “Focus Maxwell, and get this Walker story over with as fast as possible.” Olivia crosses her arms. ‘Ok, focusing and speed talking initiated. So me and Drake we’re chilling out in the book store when I see my old pal here intently staring off to something a few aisles over. I follow his line of sight and saw what he was checking out. His eyes were completely locked on this girl. I mean not blinking, breath hitching sort of thing. Anyway, while we all know that I have the lady love of my life, I’ll admit she was quite stunning. Long raven black hair, porcelain white skin, and these really deep piercing blue eyes. Drake's feet were glued to the floor when she moved to us and starts to look at the books next to him. I of course step out of the way, but not Drake here, he still can't move. So he’s standing like crazy still as she looks up to him to say excuse me or probably something like that, except she stops and stares at him. Complete radio silence. Eventually, I clear my throat and they snap out of their trance while I smoothly walk away, as you know how I do. So I buy my stuff and head outside to wait for Drake. While waiting I see the girl walkout with this huge smile and this dreamy look in those piercing blues. Suddenly, though, she stops in her tracks looking back to the store bewildered. I thought maybe she just forgot something, and I didn't even really think much about it as she leaves. She's gone when Drake walks out and I see he has nothing in his hands, totally forgotten to get what he needed to buy. Except Drake had a gigantic smile on his face. For real, Olivia, I had no idea a shit-eating grin was possible for our guy here. I figure he at least he found something in there, even if he forgot what he needed to buy.” Maxwell winks, “So I asked him to spill. And get this Olivia, come to find out he was so lost in her beauty he totally choked, like in the worst way. No name, no phone number, no dorm or sorority information. He was so lost in loveydovey-land all functioning abilities went out of his mind. He’s been extra grumpy, brooding, and not going anywhere or talking anyone since. He’s got it bad for her, but we have no idea who she is. But he did tell me that they’d talked the whole time after I left, feeling like there was mutual interest, and from what I saw when she walked out that store I’d completely agree. I’m a believer in love at first sight, enter my lady love into the story again, but if this girl had just stood there like a minute longer or if he had walked out a minute sooner, bam. He’d have a different story to tell right now.”

Drake was sitting with arms crossed, jaw clenched, and his lips pressed in a hard thin line. Finally he spoke, “You know I’ve actually been sitting here the whole time Maxwell. And furthermore, Beaumont, do you ever take a breath when talking, or even better yet, do you ever shut the fuck up?!” Olivia looks at Drake shaking her head. “Way to go dipshit. Try to find her again on a campus with around 20,000 undergrads, and that doesn't account for the number of graduate students either. Good luck with what sounds like the screwup of lifetime. She's the one that got away before you were close enough for her to get away.” Maxwell cuts in with, “Well, with what I saw, I’d venture to say he stared long enough he could definitely pick her out of a lineup, or better yet work with one of those sketch artist for a ‘Have you seen this girl?’ poster.” Olivia can't stop herself, doubled over in wild laughter, while Drake stands up with a force so intense the big bulky armchair he was sitting in moved a bit across the floor. Then shoving his hands in his pockets he picks a wall to sulk against.

Finally Liam, Savannah, and Hana show up; along with another girl. Hugs and kisses were given all around, except for Drake. They all felt an aura of something between rage, frustration, and “leave me the hell alone” radiating strongly off him. Hana introduced everyone to Allison, who she was set up with for a blind date over break. With everyone finally there Maxwell directs the group onward to his club of choice, and once there the couples hit the dance floor as Drake finds a table in a corner for the night. He never was one that went out of his way to dance, but he definitely would with any girl that caught is eye. Uncharacteristically, though, this night he wasn't looking for any random girls to dancing with, and he wasn't there too long before he let his friends know he was heading back to campus calling it a night. Which of course Olivia took advantage of and starting to call him “grandpa” at every chance she got everyday afte

A few months later, Spring Term is finished, bringing the group the end of their Freshman year. They all decide to stay on campus together for the Summer Semester to have a stellar time doing everything college kids can think up to do. And damn did they make the most of their freedom. Liam and Olivia had taken a short trip right after exams were over, but back in a few days. Maxwell and Savannah basically lived together most of the summer, while Liam and Olivia out right lived with each other. Hana and Allison were adorable together and Alli fit in with the group extremely well. Most surprising to everyone though was that Liam and Olivia actually enjoyed spending time with Maxwell and Savannah. Savannah was so much fun and just lovely, but if Maxwell were to survive the summer, Olivia could only take meeting up with them in small doses.

Drake, however, chose to take a course over the summer which everyone else thought was crazy, but it kept him busy. With his course work he wasn't around the group as much, but he did join them for their antics when he could. They all noticed, though, that he hadn't gotten out of that funk he’d been in since spring break; but honestly he had always been the curmudgeon of the group.

And like that, Sophomore Year found them.

hey you don’t mind if i unload a fuck ton of shit on u do you?

good thanks i didn’t think so. today i’m talking about shit friends and the reasons i am one of those. this is gonna be a long ass essay so buckle in

right so i guess writing is cathartic and the entire idea of a therapist is to have someone to unload your shit onto. This is like, free therapy. so thanks in advance, or whatever.  this is going to be a long, rambling essay on Why Im A Shit Friend, and i’m going to start by diving right into the deep end with the shit that went down around Caitlyn. Next up will be Lyssa and why i don’t deserve such a great best friend, and then so on, and finally my conclusion. i don’t really give a shit who reads this right now, so if ur curious go the fuck right ahead

a lot of shit went down with Caitlyn in grade 12. she’s... she was one of my best friends, from 12 to 18, and i miss her. i also tried to call her today, but i think she still hates me. What happened was this: there was a boy. i know how that sounds, at first, but neither of us had any romantic interest in him. he’d been our friend since grade 7, and was closer to Caitlyn than me. I guess he’d decided he liked her sometime while i was away at private school (i was gone for five years), and instead of being a normal human and respecting her refusal he decided to pester her until she said yes. She never said yes, but she did cut him out of her life as much as she could. And then I walked back in, not knowing why they weren’t talking. I asked so many times, and neither of them would answer. Caitlyn told me i shouldn’t be friends with him, and that just made me confused. I didn’t take her seriously, because i didn’t know what had happened. so i kept talking to him, and she drifted away from me.

i suppose she cut me out of her life as well because she felt hurt that i didn’t listen to her. i should have, but how could i have known when she wouldn’t tell me what he’d done? For all I knew they could have had a disagreement about which zelda game was the best or something. Caitlyn was both stubborn and dramatic, after all, and Jory behaved as though whatever happened wasn’t a big deal. so I didn’t listen to her, she cut me out of her life, and then Jory got a crush on me. And again, instead of being a normal human, he tried to trick me into saying yes. I endured months of this, because i am nothing if not loyal to my friends, but it came to the point where everything was soured by him. So I did what I had to do and cut him out of my life. It was hard. We’d grown close over that year, because neither of us had other friends who weren’t busy or hiding from us. 

But I cut him out of my life, and i called Caitlyn, because she had done the same thing and i wanted to complain about him and tell her that she was right. she was.. very cold on the phone, though i didn’t know why at the time, and that was the last time she answered a call from me in over a year. I didn’t realize she was purposefully ignoring me at first. it took me about eight months to realize, actually, because we rarely called each other but when we did we would talk for hours. I figured I was just calling at the wrong times. 

I got in contact eventually, having accidentally embarrassed her into accepting my call by trying to fix things in public. I don’t regret it much, because we needed to have a talk. I missed her friendship so much. And i called that night, and found out she was angry at me, because i didn’t listen to her warning. i hadn’t once considered this might be the case, had just assumed she was avoiding me because i kept talking about him. we had a talk. I cried, i wanted us to try to be friends. She was more than a little reluctant. I can understand why, but nothing that happened was anything i wanted. if i could go back in time and heed that warning, i would.

it’s been half a year since that phone call, in which she eventually said that yes, she would let me try to fix our friendship. Today’s call was the first since then. I was kind of upset with her, too, for being willing to cut me out of her life over this. I didn’t want to call until I could forgive her, and she never called me. I don’t know if we’ll ever manage to fix our friendship, which was once one of the closest i’ve ever had.

i contacted Jory after eight months of silence on my end because i wanted to show him i didn’t need him in my life. I wanted him to know I was moving on. But i kept contact, and while i haven’t forgiven him for what he did to Caitlyn and I, he is my friend. And I don’t treat him well. He is the sort of friend who will go along with whatever you say, for the most part. And I boss him around a lot, i think. I never want to hang out in person. Sometimes i feel like i am using him as some sort of placeholder friend, like i’m waiting for someone better to come and take his place in my life. And whatever he has done, that’s not fair to him. And i hate doing it, i hate feeling like i’m doing it, but i don’t know what else there is. This is how our friendship has been for a long time, all teasing and banter and me bossing him around, and sometimes it feels wrong but I don’t know what to do about it. I tell him close to everything, i am more open with him than i am with any other friend, he probably knows me better than my best friend does. But he isn’t my best friend. I tell him these things because, quite simply, he’s there to listen to it. 

My best friend is always busy, it seems. I love her, but we rarely hang out, and we never talk about important stuff. I wish we could. I want to tell her about the scars i inflicted on myself when i was younger, and the empty feeling i get when my depression hits, and i want to talk to her about the things that interest me. And i want her to do the same in return. We’ve been friends since we were six years old, but there have been years in which we didn’t talk at all. I think the entirety of middle school went by without contact between us, and I am truly only in contact with her now because our moms were friends, and our sisters. I remember being in grade four, asking if we could play sometime else because i was in the middle of a book. I wish i’d put the book down instead. It’s seemed like she has been busy ever since then. I don’t think I even know what her favourite colour is. She knows mine is blue.

I am gratified by the fact that Lyssa’s anxiety doesn’t stop her from letting me see her at her worst, but I can’t help but wonder how I could possibly deserve that. I didn’t try to keep in touch or make time for her when we were younger. I should’ve. God, i should’ve. I wasn’t there for her when her dad started being a worse asshole than before. I Wasn’t there when her parents split, or when her dad left town, or when she broke up with her boyfriend for the first time. I didn’t even know he existed until they’d been dating on and off for a few years. But she says I will be their child’s uncle one day, and I will be her man of honour, and I don’t know how i could possibly deserve this.

In grade 9 i dated a boy. He was just like me, only (i thought) the opposite gender, and maybe with a few mental problems I didn’t have. We were good friends, but I didn’t like him romantically. It was my first experience with anyone liking me, and i didn’t know what to do, so I agreed to be his girlfriend and wished the feelings would grow from there. They didn’t. A year after that his tics got so bad he switched schools, and i haven’t spoken to him much since. I regret that. We were so similar, and i believe it’s rare to find someone like that. We could have known each other as well as we knew ourselves, if we had time and talked about important things instead of playing tag or whatever we did.

To summarize... I’ve managed to fuck up all of my close friendships in some way or another and god i hate it. i wish i could go back to before things went wrong with anyone. Maybe some things can be fixed, but the lost time can never be regained. And if i could only say these things out loud, if everyone i’ve wronged understood that i didn’t mean to, if they could forgive me for being so shit? well. i’d still not deserve them. And maybe that’s depression or insecurity talking, but does it really matter? It’s true.

glad we had this talk, or something. bye

5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at