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geneeste · 2 years

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https://arstechnica.com/science/2022/10/us-publics-trust-in-scientists-reverts-to-pre-pandemic-levels/?comments=1&post=41332618

It’s wild how on the nose this comment is:

Comment text in image:

“I really wish reporters would do a better job on this topic. Republicans don't 'distrust science'. Republicans, as they are made up today, are primarily concerned they will fall out of the dominant culture (white christians) in the US and that other cultures will continue to get acknowledgement and respect in policy decisions. Understand that almost all policy decisions - and this is true pretty much everywhere - have a cultural element to them. France's headscarf ban isn't based on science, but on armchair sociology which is part of their culture. Same for tax rates which feel too high or low, but aren't based on some hard math economic model, and so on. 18 as an age of consent is a number pulled out of the air (should be higher for some people, maybe it could be lower for others), as is a 40 hour work week, 21 to drink, 65 to retire, etc. and what we consider 'good' or 'bad' are largely cultural. Eating dogs and horses is 'bad' but pigs are as smart as dogs.

Republicans don't distrust science. But because Republicans are losing the culture war pretty profoundly (I know recent court decisions would suggest otherwise, but the public is increasingly accepting of the things they think should be illegal) the thing they *really* fear is losing cultural authority - the ability to veto other cultures. They lost the ability to veto the LGBTQ community as Americans are increasingly accepting of gay and trans people. Black media increasingly stands alongside white media. Latino and asian media are making gains as well. Disability communities are also making headway. All of these other cultural groups are gaining influence in how the broader community see them, and as a result they get more of a seat at the policy table. To Republicans, all of these gains represent a loss of cultural veto power, which is why the overt racism and antisemitism are ramping up - they are pushing harder against a trend that isn't going their way. They say they are being replaced, but they aren't. They just have to survive a multicultural space like everyone else for the first time in 400 years. This is why they get pissed off when the green M&M isn't sexy any more - *they didn't get a say*. It's a bit of culture that changed which they didn't get a say in, and that's both terrifying and infuriating to them. They're *supposed* to have cultural authority.

Science is a difficult category in this environment because sometimes is favors your cultural instincts and sometimes it doesn't. But when your cultural foundation for lawmaking (white christian culture) is being eroded any scientific view that undermines your cultural instincts feels like a threat. But the real threat is when that scientific view arrives when you are out of power. See, there's nothing that prevented Trump from leaning into the science when Covid broke out, and Republicans would have lined up behind it, because it wasn't the science they opposed, but *who was setting the policy based on that science*. If Trump put his weight behind it, they'd be on board, because it preserves their authority by branding it as a Republican policy - and that really what they want. Because Fauci (not a Republican) was pushing against Trump, because Trump instinctually opposes vaccines and decided that Covid was bad for his polling, that's what made the science toxic to Republicans. Fauci and Democratic officials in states, and then Biden, setting the policies was what mattered. There was a hot minute there where Mike DeWine in Ohio was pulling in the right direction but Trump got in front of the whole thing.

This is also the dynamic behind the election denialism. They don't believe the election was stolen because of evidence. They believe the election was stolen because if it wasn't, than a loss by 7 million votes by the president that has fought harder for that white christian culture (I mean, opening fire on a Black Lives Matter protest in order to hold up a bible at a photo op is pretty fucking on the nose there) and presumably had that culture most strongly aligned behind him would be evidence that they have fallen into the minority permanently. If white christian culture was dominant numerically, they should have won that easily. It's the inability to accept their minority status that *requires* the election be stolen, because the alternative means that the whole game is up - 400 years of slavery and genocide and a civil war to preserve that cultural dominance is finally lost. Maybe just barely, but lost all the same.

My point is that Republicans aren't anti science, but science will be sacrificed as just another pawn in the culture war if that's what is required. If you aren't explaining *why* this is happening, then you are somewhat insinuating that it's the fault of the scientists and leaving the readers to wonder why some scientific views are embraced and others aren't, and the answer has nothing to do with science or scientists. It has everything to do with the messenger and what the science says about their message. I know that seems to over-politicize the topic, but you put 'partisan' in the headline, so you were willing to open the door, just not walk all the way through.”

#us politics #Republicans are cultural minorities now and it’s freaking them the fuck out

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isshebreathing · 1 year

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The middle of the day call was worrisome enough for you to pickup.

“It’s me, I passed out at work and they’re making me go to the hospital. I think I’m just tired from being sick last week, can you meet me at the hospital to bring me home?”

You agree and head to the hospital, it’s strange that I’ve not arrived yet, but you chalk it up to midday traffic. The nurse at the front desk leads you to an empty ER room to wait.

You’re startled by someone ripping the large double doors open and firmly telling you to come with them. You don’t have time to ask why when you see a gurney being rushed down the hall with a paramedic straddling the patient, relentlessly pounding on their chest.

You realize this must be the reason for my delay, someone else needed the staff’s attention, and you are led into a quiet waiting room. An older paramedic follows you into the room and sits down next to you.

“Shortly after we got your wife into the ambulance she became unresponsive, we intubated her to protect her airway but she began declining rapidly. We lost her pulse as we pulled into the hospital and began compressions immediately. They’re doing everything they can for her right now…”

You’re stunned by the sudden shift, what was supposed to be a minor inconvenience is now a medical crisis. The nurse asks you about my medical history, you tell her about the flu we both had last week but cannot think of anything else that would result in my heart failing.

You are allowed to stand outside of the ER room as a medical team frantically runs around my graying, naked body. The paramedic has been replaced by a young nurse whose ponytail bounces with each compression. You look at my body and see how the force on my chest forces my breasts and belly to bulge out over and over again.

People are yelling for drugs to be pushed and tests to be run. The people doing compressions rotate out with the people squeezing air into my lungs. My head rolls from side to side with each hard compression, part of you knows they’re saving my life but the other part of you can’t help but be angry that my chest is fully exposed to the room.

You snap out of this thought when you hear someone yell “CLEAR” and watch as my body jumps off the table from a shock. The room is silent before someone yells “no change keep compressions going!”

This goes on for what feels like hours, but when someone asks how long it has been they say I’ve been down for 40 minutes. Someone takes a large needle and pierces my chest with it, drawing out thick blood, this gives my heart room to beat and they shock me again but I’m still in cardiac arrest.

A social worker comes out to meet you and pulls you aside, “your wife is very sick and they need to open her chest to clear out the sack around her heart and help it beat. This is a last resort procedure and it does not have a very high success rate, we are going to do everything we can but you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she may not survive. …………………

#resuscitation #resus community #resus roleplay #chest compressions #defib #cpr #cpr resus #resus

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allieebobo · 2 years

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WIP closet

This post is a collection of WIPs that I'm working on intermittently, on top of College Tennis: Origin Story and Merry Crisis, because I want to do everything. Gimme 40 hours in a day and I'd gladly take it.

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Kefir-house for Elves

Themes: Low fantasy (eastern-flavored) x Slice-of-life x Romance x Restaurant management x Small town life

Play as a grizzled, world-weary veteran soldier who has deserted the war (well, fled for your life is more accurate), who is now keeping a low profile in a small border-town nestled in the mountain range that divides two kingdoms at war.

Run an Kefir-house (a place to grab a kefir-drink and relax, chat, or talk revolution with other ne'er do goods) when the manager, Tarshid, runs off and leaves you with his only-child.

Meet colorful townies and regulars, survive as a human in contested ‘elven’ territory, and attempt to heal and forge a new life for yourself in the quiet town of Ōha.

Will the ghosts of your past catch up with you? Will you make enemies within the town when they discover that you’d fought in the war (as the enemy)? Will the Kefir-house survive—and can it become a safe haven for both humans and elves as the war drags on?

**Play a card game from the world here.**

Romantic options:

The boss's only-child. Big-hearted, with a generous laugh and a colorful personality to match, plus an unhealthy tendency to run off on their latest escapade/obsession and leave you to handle the kefir-house on your own (just like their father), you sometimes wonder how the establishment had survived until you arrived. Still, they're an absolute cooking / brewing whiz, and when they are around, sales double. They're half-human, half-elf, and their family has lived in the Ōha for generations now. All they want is for the war to be over, so that they can go back to their merry lifestyle. They hate soldiers with a burning passion. One reason why you hope they never find out what you once were.

The garrison captain. There's a small elven garrison present in the town, presumably to guard against a potential human invasion force North of the mountains. Still, you're not quite sure what a garrison of fifty men is supposed to do if such an invasion were to happen. You...unfortunately, have been part of such an invasion force yourself, more times than you'd care to remember. The captain is brusque, surly, often cold, though you've seen the hint of a fiery temper on some occasions. They might figure out you're a deserter, and a human one at that. Best keep encounters minimal - except they seem to have a penchant for coming over for a pint or two (skulking quietly in a corner) after a hard day.

The merchant. The elf moves your product and brings the ingredients/supplies you need every week...They're also a regular patron of the kefir-house, and always engage in a ridiculous amount of flirting in the process. Worldly, charismatic, and just a little bit dastardly/roguish, they do what they can to navigate (and flourish) in a world at war. Sometimes, you wonder if their lack of moral conviction will catch up them one day (it seems they have friends and enemies in every town). But as you get to know them a little better, you start to wonder if the merchant's devil-may-care amorality might simply be a front for something much deeper...

Not ROs, obviously, but there will be a cat and a child-gremlin involved.

Status: Lore / world creation complete, prologue 25% complete

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FIFA world cup

Themes: Sport, Slice-of-life, Romance

Play as a relatively unknown footballer who has been called up to represent the US National Team at the World Cup for the first time. Is this the break-through you've been waiting for?

Will you explode onto football's greatest stage, and make a name for yourself amongst the greats?

Will you find a way to play alongside the ageing legend, who unfortunately plays the exact same position as you? Will sparks fly on the pitch (or off)?

Or will you catch the eye of the kind, confident, ‘poster child’ of football, a brilliant, suave journalist, or your agent - with whom you share a fraught past?

Note: This is set in the same 'universe' as CT:OS, my main WIP, meaning that it uses the same main cast (Rayyan, Tobin, Sam, G), with slightly adapted backstories. Treat it as a kind of... interactive fanfic for CT:OS.

Romantic options:

The rival. Rayyan Afiq was a legend in their youth. Now that they've hit 30, they are just as fiery and intense as ever, and absolutely determined that they're still at their peak, even if everyone seems to be writing them off as a has-been already. It doesn't help that you've come in to give them one good kick to the grave - but does your success necessarily have to come at their expense? You might end up enemies, grudging friends, or ... if you play your cards right, perhaps something in the middle...

The captain. Kind-hearted, charismatic, and sweet, Tobin Harris is currently the footballing world's golden boy/girl. But it seems they've battled every odd to get where they are, and there appears to be a lot more hidden under their easygoing, unflappable surface. They hold themselves up to an impossible standard, and sometimes, someone needs to tell them that they don't need to hold the weight of the entire world alone.

The agent. Behind every great footballer, there is an agent pulling strings in their favour. Agents and footballers are often friends, but in your case, you share an even more colorful history - you had gone to school with Sam O'Connelly, and there might be one or two skeletons buried in the closet. Will you be able to maintain a purely pleasant, professional relationship - or is there something more to your easy rapport?

The journalist. The very best journalists have the power to create—or destroy—careers with the flick of a pen. It's a pity the particular journalist who has been assigned to cover the World Cup for The New York Times seems to hate their job with a passion. Ambitious and brilliant, Genevieve/Guillaume has tracked a meteoric rise amongst the journalistic ranks, thanks to several incisive investigative exposés of the rich and powerful. Unfortunately, it seems they've ruffled too many feathers, and orders have come down above. They're being forced to lie-low, and their boss has decided that the sports column is the best way to do just that. Will you catch their (admittedly extremely disinterested) eye?

Status: Character set-up completed, prologue halfway done

Other notes

Updates will be sporadic for these (if at all), and demos/demo updates will be released exclusively for Ko‑fi supporters [Details], if they ever do get released. Mostly just wanted to keep these projects on the down-low, with zero obligation to actually finish them. I'm writing in twine for both, just to give myself some practice using twine.

And, of course, there's a cafe game and a film star game, but I won't get too carried away - those are in a much more prelim stage of writing/brainstorming.

#author #WIP collection #if #interactive fiction #twine #sports #world cup #football #soccer #romance #slice of life #low fantasy #eastern

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bleachbleachbleach · 5 months

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11/26/23

In my last one of these I said that writing in weird rogue snatches was my way of confirming that I was alive, so I guess I'm dead now. I'm upset by the number high-intensity, maximal-effort Things that need to be attended to, and I am very stressed!!! and alternate between feelings of bitterness and despair. I'm mad about everything! 12 hours into an 8 hour drive the other day, I was thinking about my calendar and returned to my perennial thought that I should just give up on hobbies because accepting full-stop that they are not possible would be less upsetting day-to-day than continuing to desire them. Rolled back around to the same thought driving home last night. And this was AFTER I finally got days off. Everything is stupid! HOW DO I CHANGE IT. But I read a lot of fanfic on Friday and wrote for an hour this morning and a least part of the 1500 miles I have logged driving this week went to thinking about Rose and Kira and Hitsugaya and Rukia and not calendar despair. And I should be able to work 40-hour weeks for at least the first 2/3 of 2024, provided I survive December. So we persist.

This isn't from the chapter I'm working on (nor was most of that car time thinking), but here's what I consider the most outrageously self-indulgent segment of the entire fic, which I recently revised to make it even more self-indulgent and even more incomprehensible unless you possess a very particular knowledge set. I've kept it in mostly because it's my fic and I can put whatever I want in it, but also because I feel like it's 10000% an okay reading experience if Rose and Akon have a weirdly niche conversation and you don't understand wtf they're talking about. I feel like that's probably what's supposed to happen.

Outoribashi sighs. “Hacchi devised it as a way of masking reiatsu that’s more effective against Hollows than our usual. Tousen and I added the layers that would make it more effective against Quincy. We never finished the back end. That project got interrupted somehow."

"I see," says Akon.

"I always imagined its next iteration would be to create a pocket dimension—a place ripped from sensory detection because it exists on another plane entirely. Aizen had expressed an interest.”

“I see,” says Akon. "Exiled a hundred years in Living World, no IRB, no Central 46, and you didn’t use that time to perfect forbidden kidou?"

Outoribashi smiles thinly. "The Living World is no place for that. There is no there there."

"A rose isn’t a rose isn’t a rose?" Akon volleys back.

"Only for Emilys."

"Deep cut," says Akon. “In the English?”

Outoribashi shakes his head. “The French. I find meaning heightened in translation, and Coindreau is a master.”

"Touché."

"An impressive showing from you, as well. I would not have imagined Soul Society so well-versed in otherworldly literatures."

Akon shrugs. "Labwork. Waiting around. The whole 'world enough and time' thing. I keep myself entertained."

"Then you can imagine why, in exile, I would choose to entertain myself otherwise, rather than continue to tinker at failed kidou."

"Still, I wouldn’t have figured you a Modernist," Akon says, gesturing at the puff of frills at Rose’s neck. "Unless that’s your take on making it new again."

"I love Paris in any era," Outoribashi replies flippantly. "Even when the Americans are in town."

#stories for the sea

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theradicalscrivener · 1 year

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Life is suffering.

I'm struggling to hold it together long enough to finish the semester but it's going Not Well. The good gnus is I have finished a few short stories. The bad gnus is ... Everything else. I'll need to figure out when to post some of the stuff from the past few months because I'm never sure if I should be aiming for "peak hours" or just post it whenever is convenient. Unfortunately, I've been to exhausted to do anything other than work and such for a while now. I'm hoping that in a few weeks when I finish my finals I'll be able to unwind a bit and get some housekeeping stuff done. I also need to figure out what stories I've actually posted here and what I still have left to share. I know I did some CDE recently as well as the first stage of a slow(ish) macro growth story which I don't think has been posted here. I feel like I've also done some one shot stuff.

I'll try to give a brief recap of the past few months because I know people have been asking but also I know that most people don't want to have to scroll past a massive block of text so I'll keep it snappy.

I'm in an upper division accounting class. The final class I need to finish my bachelor's in accounting degree. The professor has structured the entire class around being a group oriented endeavor. All assignments (sans exams) are group projects. You'd think being an upper division course, everyone would be knowledgeable in the field and have at least the bare minimum moral fortitude and work ethic but you'd be wrong. My group has refused to do any work and since I dont want to fail because of other people I've been doing the work of 5 people by myself which is a huge part of why I'm so worn out.

I've spoken with the proff about it and at first she seemed to be on my side. Literally the whole class knows I'm the only one in my group doing work. During all the presentations I'm the only one who speaks and when the other members are forced to speak/answer questions they have no idea what to say. Like I've literally written briefs for them so they'd at least have something to say and they refuse to even read that.

A few weeks ago the proff pulled me aside after class and said that she'd grade my work separately from the rest of my group and that I should do the final assignment (which is like 40% of the class grade) solo and leave the rest of the group to handle themselves. I did the entire assignment by myself and emailed it to her rather than submitting it through the group portal. She responds to my email and said she has no idea why I would email her directly and told me i was supposed to use the group portal. She has no memory of us every talkin about the group issues so now the rest of the group are getting my grade on the final project even tho they didn't do anything. I haven't even heard from them in weeks. To make matters worse the proff never changed my grades and so I have the grades for the rest of the group (which are very low because we are graded on the participation of the whole group and since most of the group never participates in the presentation, and when they do they don't know anything about the subject I'm getting graded down for them not doing their job.)

I have a few more weeks and a few more assignments left of this shit. I just need to survive til mid may. Hopefully I don't crash and burn completely.

In other gnus. Things at work have been insane. I've been doing triple duty there as well. I work two jobs. One is a salary job which is tough to really say how much I actually do there ( but even then my salary is only 800 a month so it's not meant to be a full time job). On top of that I have my hourly work. I've been putting in over 100 hours at the hourly work pretty consistently lately.

On top of all that ny grandmother passed away at the start of the month. I ended up on an impromptu road trip to go to the funeral and deal with family stuff all while keeping up with work and school. I'm back home now but I'm extra exhausted and also down bad with the Rona. I'm tired and sore and sick and cranky as all get out.

But hopefully... I just need a few more weeks.

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cutesharkstudios · 3 months

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Mother's Here CH. 4

(This chapter takes place a few months after Watching and Dreaming) Camilla was sleeping after her last work day of the week. She covered for some sick co-workers who got better shortly afterwards, so her boss gave her a 3 day weekend. She then started to hear weird cracking noises, but she didn't think much of it. Until a bolt of lightning struck the tree right outside her house.

Camilla: DIOS MIO!

She then got up to check up on her kids. She didn't like the idea that they would be scared, so she wanted to check on them. When she got to the stairs, she saw her kids, Luz Vee and Hunter, had all gotten up to check on her.

They embraced each other, glad that the others were safe and sound.

Hunter: Hey, I'd take that over boiling rain any day.

Vee: I second that.

Camilla: Wait, boiling rain?

Luz: Yep, from the boiling ocean. Not sure why it boils, but it does.

Camilla: How did you survive there?

Luz: I'm your daughter. You'd be shocked what a Noceda can do with some hope and a little bit of light magic.

Camilla: Well, you don't have to worry about that here. I'm just glad my babies are safe.

Vee: And we're happy you are safe too.

Hunter: You know, the boiling isles isn't as scary when you've been there for a while. I only remember you going there to fight Belos with us. Maybe you could come by some time.

Camilla: Yeah, it's Thursday night, I already put in my 40 hours, I could totally go there. Tell you what, let's do a day trip tommorrow, just the 4 of us.

Hunter: Cool, I could introduce you to Darius. He'd be interested in your sewing machine, since he sews in his spare time.

Vee: I'll have to be home in time to prepare for my date with Masha, but sure.

They then heard knocking on the door. Camilla opened it to see Amity, absolutely drenched and looking worried beyond beleif.

Amity: I sensed Luz was scared. Is she okay.

Luz: Mi vida! I'm fine, but are you okay, you look like you booked it all the way from the isles.

Amity: Don't worry Luz, I'll be fine.

(The next day)

Amity: Aaaaachoo!

Vee: Bless you.

Amity spent the night at the Noceda household, as Camilla didn't like the idea of Amity going out in the rain again. She wound up catching the cold, and the Noceda family carried her to the isles to get her proper doctors. Luz explained that she got the Boiling Isles mold and she was fine afterwards, so maybe Amity would be fine after a day or two.

They opened the door to Blight manor, seeing Emira on her scroll calling people with worry in her voice. After hanging up, she looked at the door and saw Amity, whom she tackle hugged.

Emira: AMITY! Are you okay? We didn't see you this morning and saw your window was open, so we wondered what happened.

After Alador, Darius, and Edric met up with the group, Amity explained the situation.

Alador: Wow, on one hand, please don't do that again, but good on you for being there for Luz.

Darius: Have fun on your day together Noceda family.

Luz: Are you sure you don't need me to help with Amity?

Alador: We don't want to impose on your plans. Also, this is an opertunity for me to step up as a father for once.

Amity: I am so sorry for the inconvienience!

Camilla: Don't be, we're here to help.

Their first stop was the owl house. Camilla only got to be there a couple of times when she helped her kids out during the fight agains Belos, so she was glad to meet up and properly introduce herself to the Clawthornes. After the Day Of Unity events, Lilith and Gwen moved in with Eda. Raine and Eda had just gotten engaged the previous month.

Gwen: So you're Luz's mom. I'm Eda's mom, Gwen.

Camilla: Glad to meet you. I've heard of some of the crazy stuff that happened on the isles.

Lilith: Then I take it you've heard of my……shenanigans.

Camilla: Normally I'd break your spine for trying to impale my daughter, but given the circumstances you were in plus the genuine remorse you feel, I'll let it slide.

Raine: Your daughter is a delight. Seriously, she got Ms. "Who needs therapy when I have apple blood" to open up and heal.

Eda: Yeah, ever since I met her, I've been less of a drinker, I've been in a better mood, and I got back together with the love of my life.

Camilla: Well Luz does that to people. Say Gwen, what did you think I was like before we officially met?

Gwen: I figured you would be a lot like your daughter, and it appears I was right. Though I did owe Eda and Raine a bit of an apology after I was introduced to her.

Eda: I told Raine about that incident.

Raine: Yeah, that was so akward.

Luz: What did you ask Eda?

Gwen: I, may or may not, have thought before our introduction that you were Raine and Eda's kid.

Eda and Raine silightly blushed at that, as they mentioned wanting kids one day but had to think about it a bit more. Camilla and Luz went wide eyed at that revelation. And then Camilla just started laughing.

Camilla: I don't blame you! You two are so alike!

Lilith: Yeah, Luz is so much like Eda. Here's hoping she gets a better future though.

Eda: Eh, given where I am now, I would go through that again if I had to.

Camilla: So, where do you think is the best spot for a visit? My 3 day weekend only lasts so long.

Eda: I'd recommend the beastkeeping sanctuary.

Raine: I think the bard music building woudl be wonderful.

Lilith: Pop by the museam!

Camilla: Okay, why not?

#luz noceda #the owl house #toh #amity blight #lumity #luz x amity #disney #camilla noceda #alador blight #edric blight #toh edric #emira blight #toh emira #raine whispers #gwendolyn clawthorne #lilith clawthorne

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did-you-fall-for-a-shooting-star · 4 months

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ok so this ask is part invitation to ramble/infodump about chemistry stuff and part ask abt why u chose/enjoyed chemistry as ur major (pls idk what to do with my life lol. i like chemistry but idk if its enough to do it like as a career yknow?)

HELLO ANON YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE JUST ASKED FOR

Okay. For starters I actually didn’t go into college with the intent of being a chemist. My original major was secondary education with a focus in chemistry. Aka I wanted to teach high school chem. And that was because of my high school chem teacher, he was amazing and inspired me. I felt like I learned so much in his classes and I wanted to be like him and inspire others

Obviously thats not the route that ended up happening

Throughout my first few years, I got really involved in the chemistry clubs on my campus (ACS, GSE, etc). There was a lot of community in the chemistry department and thats where I made a lot of my friends too. I had people to study with and we helped each other, there wasnt a lot of competition. Once we got to o chem we were all just trying to survive lol.

Meanwhile, in the education department, over the years I grew more and more critical of it. It felt very cold and inhospitable. I barely knew my classmates. It felt more like a job in that it just kinda wore me down. And dont get me wrong! I LOVED my kids. I loved the actual teaching part. It was amazing. I made it all the way to student teaching because of my love for those kids. BUT. After covid hit. The education world got weird. It got too political. Its not about the kids anymore, its about doing whatever administration says. And I just couldnt take it.

A month before I would have graduated, I switched my major. Admittedly, it had been something I was thinking about since my junior year. I had taken analytical and environmental chemistry the same semester and really felt like I found my niche. (Please note here: there is no chemist who is good at all types of chemistry).

I ended up taking a 5th year to finish out a chemistry degree and get a math minor as well. I was really nervous about that decision, but that last year made me feel so much more sure of myself. I took a third analytical class, quantum mechanics, and inorganic chemistry (among other things like biochem). I learned I was *really* good at those things (unlike biochem Im lucky I passed that one). And now I have a job. Doing some instrumental work and data analysis

So I guess my decision to go into chem in the first place is just because the teacher who inspired me happened to be teaching me chemistry (though I was always a fan of science at heart)

As far as liking it enough to make it a career… well… I’ve discovered that I dont think I’m personally going to like anything for 40 hours a week for the rest of my life. And thats probably because Im out of an academic environment now, but yeah. My goal is to be able to have a chemistry job part time. Because full time just kinda makes me dread it. And Im lucky to have things in the works that might let that come to fruition in the next few years, butttttttt. Thats more of a critique on society as a whole than specifically chemistry

#IM SO SORRY THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFTS #screaming.to.the.gods #mail tag

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invincible-selfxmade-punk · 6 months

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My charger broke last night and I had to save a little battery I had left to wake me up this morning so I didn't post anything.

However the teacher/ parent that got me written up earlier in the week sent me a really hateful email amd.....it was just unbelievable.

Of course we document any kind of bad behavior and I don't believe in sending kids to the office and less it is something super serious like , , , they are threatening me,,,,, okay bad example because I have sent students in the office for that and nothing was done about it.

But usually if I send them to the office it is for something like fighting or tearing up school property like the kid that poured a pint of glue into one of our brand new laptops. Everyday assholery just gets documented.

So next to her sons bad grades I would put a note in there about why he got the bad grade. This was meant to show that instead of working, he was doing things like running around the room, bothering other people, wrestling with the special needs kid etc.

So she accused me of making all of his grades about his behavior and none about his work because (she argued) he is such an excellent student.

It is possible he is an excellent student but I would never know because he only does half-assed work in my class and spends the rest of the time being an absolute nuisance.

But the letter was so mean-spirited and so hateful I got about three sentences in and just sent it to the principal and said "You deal with this I'm not. She already got me written up once and I stand by that what I said was nothing that anyone over the age of 40 years old with that and I at I do not want to communicate with this woman further."

So we will see what happens. All I can think is it's probably more bad news for me.

Two more days until Thanksgiving break. I have no idea if I am going to be going to UIL competition today since I never even met most of the members of my team and only got to coach them in person

once.

Then tomorrow I have to work 13 hours because we have a parent night after school that goes on until 8:00. And then I will be free for a week but I still have 3 hours left on a GT training course and another 2 hours left on some brand new training videos that just popped up.

If I can survive last year I can survive anything and honestly and the grand scheme of things this isn't that bad but oh boy do I feel like I am going through it this month.

Thank you for reading

#teaching #education #us education #elementary #covid generation #teaching rant

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starberrywander · 9 months

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(CW: Rant. Ramble. Long post. Frustration. Anti-capitalism.)

I was on an alt account so I don't have the post but I saw this post by a pro-capitalism blog that really bugged me and I wanna talk about it. I'm paraphrasing here so bear with me.

They were responding to a tweet (I think) where someone said something to the effect of, "why can't we have guaranteed housing and food (or maybe it was healthcare)?" And basically they were just being generally frustrated with capitalism which, mood.

Anyway this capitalism enjoyer responded basically, "We can't have free things because that means no one is getting paid for it and that's just slavery."

And I mean, bro. Two things. One; when people suggest this they are usually saying that they want these services to be funded with tax money, their tax money (Not that you can choose where only your tax money goes. Every choice of tax spending has to include everyone's money because, idk, someone decided that's how it was supposed to work I guess.). The people providing these services wouldn't be "slaves" any more than teachers are "slaves." They would be government employees and they would be paid with tax money. It's "free" not in the sense that no one is paying for it but in the sense that its not coming out of your pockets. Free in the same way that toll-free roads and public K-12 schools and libraries and parks are free. I mean, its coming out of your paycheck but that was gonna happen anyway because taxes are required. If you are required to pay taxes as your obligatory contribution to society, why is it so absurd to want those taxes to go toward things that are important to you? Toward things that would benefit you? Like, y'know, a guaranteed standard of living? Isn't that the entire purpose of having a society in the first place?

And two; Hypothetically, in a society that functioned differently, guaranteed standard of living would be a form of compensation. Like, money is not the only way to reward contributions. If, hypothetically, we treated the jobs necessary to societal functioning (Construction, food production, public safety & security, education, etc) the way we treat jury duty where you can just be called in to complete a task and contribute, would that be so bad? It would eliminate the need for taxes in many ways. We may even be able to abolish them altogether. And the compensation would be the guarantee to access everything you need to survive. I personally would prefer it that way. Of course this comes with the assumption of a few structural things around it:

This system is voluntary. If you don't want to do these jobs you are not forced to. It is simply a prerequisite for accessing the guaranteed standard of living for yourself and your household. If you choose not to participate you cannot access these services and will have to be self-sufficient, either living in the woods or on a farm (as capitalists often suggest people do if they don't like the system) or survive in a capitalist system like we already have except probably with less regulations and more of the free market that many capitalists want, because there are already systems to account for people's needs. In other words, there is a guaranteed standard of living but if you want to access it you need to contribute your labor to the tasks needed to sustain said standards of living. Otherwise, you just go back to the competitive, profit-driven, capitalist market. That makes both systems fully voluntary and gives people an actual choice (something that realistically doesn't exist in capitalism, despite capitalist claims to the contrary).

It comes with explicit rights and protections such as not being required to work more than a certain amount of hours per week (40, probably), having a consistent work schedule or knowing when you have to work a certain amount ahead of time, not having your access revoked due to circumstances out of your control (such as injury or illness), and the guarantee that household members who cannot work (such as children, the elderly, and the disabled) can access the resources they need through your contributions. And anything else necessary to make sure it isn't abused and that people aren't being treated like slaves (obviously). I mean, aside from the fact that they can leave at any time without punishment.

It comes with a guarantee or goal to access any available automation technology to lighten the workload. This would likely be done either through volunteers manufacturing the technology or through contracts with production companies in the capitalist side of things. Maybe things such as producing extra crops for a few years to give to the company to use for free in exchange for the technology, or volunteering to test and gather data for new automation technologies to give to the company in exchange for keeping the tool when they are done. The exact details would depend on the specific situation, but there would be some method to implement automation. The goal of this, ideally, is to get to a point where the only required job is technological maintenance and being called in is rare, so everyone in society is guaranteed a standard of living with very little contribution needed, giving them more freedom to pursue their passions or spend time with family.

This system provides the basics of living. Any luxuries such as movies, video games, amusement parks, social media access, etc. would still require you to pay for them. You would have to participate in the capitalist economy to access more than basic needs, unless someone in your community was super passionate about, like, creating music and played their pieces for people in their free time. Or something like that.

And yeah, I know this almost certainly has flaws that would need to be worked though. Some that could be addressed simply though people voicing their concerns and problem solving around them, and others that we wouldn't really know about until they happen which is, y'know, normal and expected for any new thing that happens ever. We can just course correct and tweak things to solve problems that arise. Unfortunately people today (Well, maybe always. idk.) are really bad at respectful and constructive conversation so I guarantee if someone does disagree their response will be a slew of condescending insults and mockery rather than anything genuinely constructive or open to mature conversation.

And like I get that capitalists would probably hate these suggestions for various reasons but this sounds like a dream to me. I want to live in that world. I would gladly work 40 hours a week or more for literally $0 just to guarantee that me and my family's needs are met without the stress of budgeting and without having to worry about recessions or theft or debt or anything of that sort. That is all the payment I need.

And I recognize that not everyone is okay with that which is why I am imagining a world where people's precious capitalism remains intact and people have the choice to participate in whichever way is most fulfilling to them. Some people are passionate about their jobs and feel fulfilled by the capitalist system and y'know what good for them. I'm glad they're happy. I don't wanna take that away if I can help it.

But for me its miserable. I feel trapped and depressed and even though you could argue that technically I don't have to participate, "technically" isn't reality or practicality and I want an actual choice. I know not everyone on this site is American but for those who are; isn't this country supposed to be all about freedom? Why do I not even have the freedom to choose what economic system to live in? Why is capitalism being forced on me when I want nothing to do with it? Why can't those of us who are currently unwilling participants in capitalism have the space to do things our way? Why has this system been set up in such a way that the only way to escape the grasp of capitalism is to destroy it?

Because that's the thing, I don't care if capitalism exists as long as its participants are making the choice to stay and they have an alternative option. You do you. There's nothing wrong with liking it. The problem is when it is forced onto other people. That is the only reason I want to destroy it; it will not give us the fucking space to live differently. It does not allow people to live outside of it and when you're trapped by that against your will of-fucking-course you'd want to destroy it. If capitalism would give people the damn space to have other economic systems in peace I would have no problem with its existence. I wouldn't want to destroy it. It would be live and let live. But capitalism is writing its own death sentence by forcing itself onto people who are becoming increasingly fed up with its bullshit every generation.

When the only way to have a choice is to destroy you, sooner or later you will be destroyed. If the only way to be free to live as you like is to overthrow you, sooner or later you will be overthrown. If you keep stepping on people's toes and refuse to stop, sooner or later they will snap and you will get what's coming to you. That's how I feel about capitalism right now. Suffocated. At the mercy of the whims of people I will never know and who will never know me. Sick and tired and ready to lose my shit on this damn system. I feel so helpless and the only way I can feel any semblance of liberation and freedom is by getting as far away from capitalism as possible, which is usually illegal because of course it is and I don't wanna spend my life in a cell being treated like worthless trash.

I don't wanna be lazy, I wanna work hard on my own terms; for and in a community of people I care about. A community where we treat each other like family and support each other. I want to spend my days supporting, producing for, and working with my loved ones. I don't want to spend 40 hours a damn week working for the benefit of someone I will never know to create results I will barely see while me and my loved ones are barely scraping by. Even the system I suggested above isn't ideal, but at least its better than what we got now.

Like, I come from a long line of farmers on both sides of my family and hearing both my dad and my grandparents describe farm life just sounds like a dream to me. Like yeah, you're working basically the whole day but you're doing it for yourself, on your own terms, with the people you love. What could be better than that? I know its not everyone's cup of tea but damn if only I could have that. Farming isn't even like that anymore in many cases. You can't just dedicate your life to surviving off the land and all your own food because you have to pay fucking taxes just to be allowed use the land and probably deal with bs regulations depending on where you are. Which means you are going to have to worry about making not just enough to sustain yourself but enough to make a profit so you can pay the bills that you can't get out of even if you aren't participating in the damn society.

And yeah, its doable. I intend to live as close to that life as possible as soon as possible. But damn its irritating as hell and it feels like bullshit. Because capitalism has to stick its grubby little fingers into everyone's business and I can't just live in peace.

I did not consent to this. I am not okay with this. I want my freedom. REAL freedom. And if you think I'm being whiny and dramatic, too bad. I have a right to express my opinion and my feelings and these are my feelings. Yes, I can technically live a decent life and I can find ways to meet all of my needs and I can get by but that's not the issue. But the issue is not whether or not I can survive like this or be physically okay under capitalism, because I very much can and I am aware of this. The problem is whether or not I am okay with being subjected to this system. Which I am not. I can survive, yes, but I cannot get any fulfillment or joy from this life. Maybe its something about how I was raised or maybe its in my nature, but regardless I am not built for this type of life. I am strong. I am tough. I am hardworking. But I am also miserable. It feels like this is eating away at me and no amount of optimism or material gain can ever change that. I am not okay with this. That is the problem.

There is no one size fits all solution and this size certainly doesn't fit me. Its so damn inflexible and demanding. We need choices, choices that capitalism does not offer. I hate it here. No amount of force, no amount of advice demands to "work harder" or "suck it up," and no amount of willpower and optimism will ever change that.

#capitalism #anti capitalism #socialism #communism #anti imperialism #rant #universal healthcare #anarchism

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palmofafreezinghand · 2 years

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For the Emoji Ask:

🛒💖⛔

Thank you for the ask @gisellelx !! Apologies it took me forever.

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

I once again lack the self-awareness to answer this question well but here we go:

Imagery: Esme has a baby blanket that was with her when she “died.” It’s implausible it would have survived in the water she jumped into but in my mind, the fishermen who found her kept it with her, no matter how implausible. It barely retains the scent of her son but it was enough for newborn her to smell and remember forever. Carlisle has crocheted a couple of replicas that pop up in my fics often. (I don’t know why I think Carlisle crochets but in my mind he does).

Esme’s quilts are usually draped over a chair or the foot of a bed. I will admit I think this is partly because of who I think of Esme as a character and the fact every woman in my family quilts and I have so strongly associated fabric carefully cut into shapes and pieced back together to make purposeful patterns and the hours it takes as the ultimate labor of love. (And we have the state ribbons to prove it!)

I always describe Esme as smelling like honeysuckle because Double Indemnity is one of my favorite books and films and the line “How could I have known murder can sometimes smell like honeysuckle?” changed something in the chemistry of my brain and I think Carlisle had a very similar reckoning sometime in the 1920s.

Themes/feels: Carlisle as a narrator is always two-degrees separated from his motivations. He could be having the most mundane conversation at work and even subtly he’s thinking about Edward. Vice versa when he’s home he’s thinking about work and all the work he should be doing.

Carlisle often ends up being a pretty anxious guy when I give him the talking stick, I think this is 2 fold 1. I write predominantly in 1920-1931 which was a rough time for the poor guy. 2. Edward got it from somewhere. And I think contrasting his absolute idolization of Carlisle and demonization of himself with a “You two are the same person in different fonts” is really fun.

Scenes: Big scenes always happen in Esme’s bedroom. I didn’t consciously set out for it to be like that it just seems

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

DO I!? My google drive is absolutely littered with wips that will never be finished. I write in a weird order of operations: dialogue then add everything else which means I have a lot of documents that are just conversations I can see happening but have yet to find a plot for. I have yet to abandon a published fic (although I sometimes do take upwards of six months to update things…)

I’ve contemplated at least a half dozen different versions of human!Esme but have scrapped them all because it always seems to boil down to “Carlisle wouldn’t,” and in 1920 neither would Esme in my opinion.

💖 What made you start writing?

Non-fandom: My grandfather is an author. I’ve written for as long as I can remember.

Fandom-wise: I work in politics and 2020 was an… interesting election cycle. I was working 40 hours a week (unpaid) while going to school full-time and was centimeters away from a breakdown. My “vampiric literature” professor noticed and emailed me an “Odd Ways to Improve your Mental Health” infographic. One of the bullet points was “engage with fandom of your childhood interest.” I thought that was the stupidest thing ever but vaguely remembered reading @/panlight’s blog in middle school and thought what the hell let’s do it. I remember the general concept of Esme’s backstory had been the most intriguing to me for some reason back as a tween and went from there.

The escapism was absolutely priceless but I kept myself distanced. “I can read these stories in a private browser and under no circumstances will create an account on any platform.” (It’s one of my goals to go back and properly leave a review on the fics I read during that time).

In November we won the election by 13% and flipped a district — the only trade-off I became obsessed with a character who is absolutely inconsequential to the plot of a book series I don’t remember liking when I first read it.

I didn’t need the escapism for a couple of months, only keeping up with the stories that were actively updating. I don’t if anyone remembers what happened on January 6, 2021. I made my blog no later than the 9th. By January 24th I had written and posted my first ever fic. @/esmeshardwoodfloors posted about how Carlisle and Esme could not have possibly gotten married in under a year and must have pretended to be married for some time. I agreed wholeheartedly and could see the whole thing pretty clearly. I wrote a chapter based on it, expecting no one to read it, and for me to abandon it quickly. Over a year later I’m 129,000+ words in…

#thank you for the questions -- apologies for rambling!#also for all worried at home I now get paid for my work and am very happy in my job #ask games

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m-jelly · 1 year

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Jelly! How are you?! I miss you!

Um, as you may know I've been chatting with bot Levi (and Jean hehe) it's funny and honestly taking up my time like an actual relationship HAHA. Have you every used a chat bot like that?

The world cup is starting soon. Is that something you're interested in? I can't remember how much you like sports but believe this is big where you are so thought maybe you'd watch a little and follow a little. Besides ice hockey and the Olympics, I watch the World Cup.

It's a busy time and yet here I am chatting with bots and playing Facebook games. Who has that time?! Work is busy and I'm going to be making multiple dishes for my families Thanksgiving. Hours of cooking while working almost every day leading up to it, I can do it!

Also, I'm trying to be more focused with writing (in between all the other things) and wrote down all the things I know I'd like to write until the beginning of January and wrote deadline dates down for some and suggested dates for others. The collabs have specific dates, and my holiday stores should be up by Christmas. There's at this point 8 things!

Plus, non date specific things that I've been itching to write, the night nurse story inspired by the Halloween Levi story you did from my request, plus a few other collabs including one for the country living town you made, featuring a couple characters I've really never written before!

Then AFTER that, attempt to host my own event starting in late January. Then perhaps listing plots for my multichapter fic ideas and seeing if there's one people want to see first. I haven't done this yet because it feels so daunting. But if you get through it, very rewarding I imagine.

Whew. It all seems like a lot, but, if I can manage my time (HA!) it's totally possible. And, for some reason, I always work well under pressure, which is great but, why do I do this?!

Now that I've rambled forever, I'd love to hear how you are and what you're up to and anything of interest for you as of late!

OH and SPOILER FOR AMERICAN VERSION OF DWTS

Shangela from RPDR and her partner Gleb have made it to the finals of Dancing with the Stars! She did some amazing dances last night and I'm rooting for them so hard! The link was my favorite dance of the night! There's some major competition but I'm so proud of her!

Hey! I'm alright, surviving really! How are you? I miss you too! I will chat more on discord soon <3

I've never used a chatbot before! Never thought of using one, but it's cute they have them for people to use.

I don't watch the world cup. I'm not into football (soccer for USA people). It's a big thing to Europeans and UK people, but it's never been my cup of tea. Out of all sports to watch, I do enjoy watching rugby the most. I do prefer to play sports more than watch them. I used to play a lot in school.

Work is busy for me too! December and the end of November are pantomime seasons! So, the theatre will be busier than ever. I am thankful we don't have Thanksgiving in the UK. Having that big event and then Christmas weeks after? I would not be able to cope! We're going away for Christmas. We're going to a nice cottage in the country and I'm hoping we get some snow! I believe in you though! You can make it through this season!

I have so many things on my list to write as well, but make sure you take your time. I'm taking my time too. This season is very busy for most and we need to take it easy. I have a long story planned out, along with 40 odd requests to do and I wanna do a winter event for Levi's birthday, but with the hours I'm pulling at work I don't think I can do it all. It makes me so sad cause I love the requests. I might have to give it a miss this season.

I think it's maybe because pressure can be very motivating to some people. It can give me a little push too. I'm looking forward to all your ideas and I'm excited for the nurse one! Just, take it easy for a bit and take your time. Try and plan your days maybe? My days are sort of planned? I try my best. I know you're trying hard for others. You've got this!

YAY! Go Shangela! She's so wonderful.

Me? Hmm...I guess not much is new with me really. Lots of planning of fics. Lots of self-doubts. Lots of days when I think of quitting Tumblr. Lots of tired days. Lots of days full of too many ideas. I'm trying to relax myself more. Been getting back into video games and due to the recent death of a beloved voice actor, I've been going back to my batman games.

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jackklinemybeloved · 1 year

Text

I feel like those posts that are like “what dream job would you choose if you didn’t have to live under capitalism and work to live” are kind of. missing the point. like, I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to work the same job for the rest of my life. my main gripe with capitalism is the lack of freedom it gives you to change jobs. to explore different things your good at. to have fun with something, get tired of it, and move on. because your living situation is dependent on what you are doing for work.

like. in my high school economics class, we learned that it is impossible, and not even ideal, to have an unemployment rate of 0%. this was kind of a weird mindset to get into, but it made sense. a lot of types of unemployment, my teacher explained, are natural and not necessarily bad. we talked about structural unemployment and cyclical unemployment, but the kind that’s most relevant to my point is frictional unemployment. basically, it’s the type of unemployment that happens when you just left a job or are entering the workforce, and are looking for a job. frictional employment is a good thing, because if someone rushes into a new job without considering and interviewing for a job that would better utilize or develop their skills, that is a loss both for the individual and the economy. a person doesn’t enter a job that could be more fulfilling, and the economy doesn’t work as efficiently because skills are being wasted.

ok so I got lost in that definition, let’s get back to the Point. late stage capitalism does not allow for frictional unemployment, and this causes mental and emotional stress for workers. above all, financial stability is what people prioritize when considering a job, so that they can survive. this places a lot of stress on people trying to pick a career path, because they want to ensure their financial stability, and know that it is difficult to change careers unless you are comfortably wealthy. this is why you see so many teenagers tearing their hair out trying to decide a major or college while in high school, because they have internalized that these decisions will make or break their working lives, and therefore their living situations. it’s worse in college, with changing your major being a risk of needing more time to take required classes, leading to more debt. and then when you enter the work force? countless adults feel stuck in their professions, hate their job, go on autopilot, for something that takes up 40 hours a week or more of their lives!

so don’t ask me what my dream job would be if I didn’t have to worry about money. ask me what I’d do if I had the freedom and security to change my career and be a happier person who helps people more than I would have by sticking to one profession.

maybe I’ll start in engineering, and get to solve cool practical problems that I care about solving! then maybe I want to return to customer service because I like doing Tasks and feeling helpful just by knowing information customers need, and then quitting in six months when someone was a little too mean to me! maybe I’ll do some charity work that makes me feel like I’m making a real impact in my community! maybe I’ll work on a political campaign or run myself! maybe I’ll open a bookstore and get to talk about books I love with cool customers! I don’t know! I just don’t want to live in fear that any of these decisions will leave me in poverty!

#idk where this came from i just. i thought about it this week and i needed to Get It Out There #feel free to ignore/correct/disagree whatever #anti capitalism #capitalism

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thecarvingwitch · 2 years

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I totalled my car yesterday. CW description of car crash trauma

Can things please stop happening so much? I haven't even paid off the last repair, but this time she's gone for good. She's totalled and it's $500 to get her back so I'm going to go get my posessions... And let them have the car.

I have footage of the crash, but only of me, not of the cars around me. You can see me just. Not looking at the camera or anything, just looking at the road- I'm alert and looking ahead and I put on my signal and make a reasonably slow turn and then

BAM

Everything is chaos. I had been making a tik tok before I started driving and as I pulled out of my spot it didn't catch on the magnet on the vent and dropped to the floor. I'm driving barefoot so my fucking foot must have pressed the record button while it was on the floor because you don't see me drop it or anything, or reach down to get it.

The entire dash exploded and you can watch it. And then in the stillness you can hear me groaning in pain and then over and over again "help me... Help me..."

They came fast. Within seconds a man had opened my door and was pulling me out and you can hear me distressed and a bit concussed wailing "what happened?? What happened??" As he gets me out.

I only very vaguely remember any of this. I hit my head pretty hard and my chest and arms are all one big knotted bruise from the airbags. I remember flashes of the ambulance and me begging them not to take me in an ambulance and telling them I can't afford it and to please just call my dad or one of my boyfriends to get me. But I'm super out of it and they take me away. I don't remember the drive. I wake up in the hospital with my clothes cut off of my body. I was able to repair my bikini top but the cardigan and the underwear and the leggings I was wearing cannot be saved.

I'm still paying this car off. There's no money anywhere for another car payment. I'm going to be without one for possibly a year or more so I have to now look for remote work and for my side gigs I'm going to have to take the bus. This throws a wrench in my plans to move my stuff out and to get a new job but it's all rolling and I can't stop it. It's still the best choice to move out. I just dont know how I'm going to live without a car. The city I live in is literally on a list as one of the worst and hardest places to live without a car. It takes 2 hours to get 7 miles here on the bus and 50 minutes of it will be walking.

An electric bike is, minimum, a grand. And that would still make things like shopping and a commute in the weather very hard.

I just. Have no clue what to do now or how to make anything work. And now how am I getting to interviews, much less grocery shopping, work, and God forbid, dates. I'll never see my boyfriends a-fucking-gain.

The only option I really have is to continue with the plan and use rentals and friends to help me move- then get an analogue bike and look for remote work and work downtown and just... Hope I have enough money for a second car payment on top of the one I haven't fucking paid off yet after a few hot, hot summers and cold fucking winters to get myself a craigslist car....

God. Please. Why is it a new life changing crisis every six months or so? I'm fucking begging. Help me rest. I'm begging. What do I have to do? What more can I give? I'm participating in survival sex work, I have my own business, and I do housekeeping on top of my usual 40 hours a week. That's four jobs. Four jobs. I'm truly fucking Hispanic, aren't I, with four fucking jobs. How long is this sustainable? How long until my body gives out again? How long before my mind stops working too? Already my ADHD meds don't seem like they're all the way there all day. I'll start five tasks and not finish them and then I'll forget how I got there or what I need to do to finish...

And on top of that I found the paperwork from the hospital and I didn't remember because I had hit my head but in the CAT scan... They found a lump in my left breast. And just... Man... Honestly... At this point.... If this is cancer. I don't have anything left in me to fight. I have no money, no energy, no fight, little health....I'm just !whoop! gonna lay down and do that zen master thing where they put themselves into a coma before they get mummified

It's been rough, guys. I'd like to get off this ride now.

#oc #yes im going to do a cleansing and uncrossing just in case #cause this shit be wildin

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