Called five pharmacies to see if they had any adderall which was definitely worse for my mental health than not having any adderall

broke 1,000 followers (the fuck? I don't even make content people), so decided to write up a list of some (but not all, I'll make other lists later) of my favorite Bakugou-centric fic recs. my tastes run towards hurt/comfort, as you'll probably figure from the list. if there are some Baku-centric fics that you've enjoyed that aren't on here, please add them - this is definitely not a complete list of the ones I've read and love, but I'm always up for some recs. <3

fair warning, most of these are wips.

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Social Media 101 by WindsChild8178

Part 1: Survival Guide to Fucking Up

[Solely Bakugou’s point of view]

Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t have a gentle bone in his body. He’s aggressive in everything he does and does everything with 100% of his heart in it. After the Sport’s Festival, Katsuki starts to get harassed by strangers for his unheroic demeanor. It starts with letters but it doesn’t end there. The moment Katsuki realizes the harassment has entered dangerous territory and he needs to tell someone, it’s already too late.

Part 2: Post Traumatic Life Disorder

[Point of View opens up to Bakugou, teachers and classmates]

When the Dorms are finally built, everyone is settling in well, but things become tense as people begin to realize something isn’t right with the recently rescued Bakugou.

[Cannon compliant right up to after the License Exam]

hands down my favorite fic in the fandom right now. it’s the one that converted me into a Bakugou lover. if you have any fondness for Bakugou as a character then it’s likely you’ve read this one already, but if not, I can’t recommend it enough. incredibly depressing, but with the hope that comfort is coming soon in the next few chapters.

The Kids Will Be Alright, Eventually by NotWithThatAttitude

Bakugou is spiraling in the aftermath of Kamino and his friends are starting to notice. He's stubborn, aggressively independent, and less than willing to dig into his past, but after a breakdown that ends with a painful secret revealed, he starts to get help.

Whether he likes it or not.

Meanwhile, a new kind of villain threatens an uneasy peace following the loss of Allmight. Whispers build as a new narrative slowly takes shape:

Hero society needs to change.

Feat. Therapy, Dadzawa, best boy Kirishima, dysfunctional families, healing, growing up, and the mortifying ordeal of being known

guys.. the medical accuracy of this fic is just... *chef’s kiss*

I rarely see mental health genuinely handled well in fics, but this one goes above and beyond. kudos to the author for doing such excellent research into psychology, and making the application of it in here not-boring. also, while this one does have abusive!Mitsuki, it’s done in a way that feels realistic, and how I usually will see it occur in real life, rather than just for the hurt/comfort feels.

fair warning, the fic can be incredibly triggering (themes of severe depression, PTSD, panic attacks, rape survival, abuse survival, suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, among other things), so be safe and heed the tw’s if you decide to read. legitimately one of my Top Favorite fics in this fandom.

Lock and Key by autochorystalize

Bakugou made a choked, gravelly noise before croaking out a low, “You can’t be serious.” His fingers ached to blow up everything in the room.

“I’m sorry, young man, but you can’t change reality! This sometimes happens.” Recovery Girl clicked through his file, adding a new symbol in a previously empty slot.

- - -

A pair of eyes discreetly locked on to an explosive blond plowing his way forward, parting people in his path. He recognized the kid, of course. Anyone in the underbelly of society would recognize him, after the publicity of both UA’s Sports Festival and the events leading up to All Might’s fall. The uniform he was wearing cast away any doubts about the young man’s identity.

It was a bit of a surprise that the little firecracker presented as an omega.

- - - - - - - - -

Or: there are certain types of evil that seemed too distant, archaic violations and perversions that would never actually threaten bright-eyed heroes-in-training in the clean, modern world...but sometimes those evils aren't as distant as one might think.

remember when I said that I love a/b/o fics that are full of plot and world-building and gender-induced tension? that’s this one. the OC’s are fabulous and you love to hate ‘em. also, it’s the fic that made me fall head-over-heels for the TodoBaku dynamic, so it’s got a special place in my cold, dead heart. 

be warned, there are rather explicit non-con scenes between an adult (OC) and a minor (Bakugou) in this one, but the author warns for them in advance, and you could likely skip those parts without missing too much if you need to.

Never and Always, Eventually by Wawa_Boonliang

"Katsuki can remember the exact moment that he and Deku…that he and Midoriya Izuku became friends. He can also remember the moment he and Izuku became fierce rivals, a time when they were almost enemies.

However, what he remembers most clearly about their relationship is the moment that they moved passed rivals and became something more close than mere friends. Something more like brotherhood, something forged in fire and secured in the middle of a battlefield or in the midst of natural disaster where the number of the dead was climbing ever higher. And then it was torn from him."

Katsuki is given a second chance. A chance to save everyone. A chance to change everything.

But should he?

y’all. I’m a slutty, slutty whore for time travel fics. a time travel fic with autistic!coded Bakugou? it was love at first read.

Lessons Learned by Sif (Rosae)

Rather than the police station, Katsuki's friends bring him to a hospital after rescuing him from the villains. His wounds were minor, but it didn't make having them treated any less important. As it would so happen, Best Jeanist was also brought to this hospital after the attack.

Sometimes, small choices have a big impact on how a story plays out.

classic Bakugou hurt/comfort. this fic opened me up to the potential that could be a genuinely good Best Jeanist & Katsuki mentor-mentee relationship, and I kind of dig it and search ravenously for it in other fics now. I’m also a huge fan of the behind-the-scences Pro Hero Chat group.

Slope by sunfleurmoon

“I’m not a hero. Or a good person,” Katsuki says, giving Aizawa a pointed look, “So leave me alone. I don’t care about the League or UA, or you—” The two years he’s been away have been fine, more than fine, fucking fantastic actually if you ignore the bi-monthly near-death experiences. He doesn’t need this place. He doesn’t miss this place.

And yet, longing, a childish desire to tear up, or maybe blow something to bits, they all twist in his chest like a band of traitors regardless. “—I just want to go home.”

Or: the one where Katsuki and Izuku fail the first term exam, Aizawa discovers their pasts, and Katsuki is booted from UA. Featuring questionable descriptions of villain organizations, a slightly illegal moving shop, and your favorite emotionally constipated badass in distress with a newly discovered penchant for collecting strays.

paaaaaaiiiiiiiin. the hurt is ALIVE in this one. lots of tortured, angsty exploding child goodness. the OC’s are excellently crafted, and the Bakugou & Eri relationship? beautiful. definitely deserves a read.

Ground Zero by WindsChild8178

In the wake of Kamino, Katsuki is tested more than anyone could imagine. Bound by a villain’s quirk to keep his silence or die, he lives each day knowing it might very well be his last. He continues to work towards becoming a hero, keeping his secret from his classmates and teachers, focusing on making it through each day and trying not to allow the panic or depression to get the best of him. When the villain finally corners him with demands in exchange for his life, there is really only one answer Katsuki Bakugou can give.

honestly don't know which I want updated more - social media 101 or ground zero. this author's fics are amazing, and I really wasn't expecting the twist in this one. can't wait for windschild to come back to this fic some day.

The Defect by LadyGreenFrisbee

"Why do you want to win the Sports Festival so badly?" 

Because I want to see if the defect could usurp the masterpiece.

(In which Endeavor holds a terrible secret and Bakugo has to suffer since childhood for it.)

a great concept, and I adore the shouto and Katsuki sibling interaction here. hoping the author will come back to this one some day.

A Name That You'll Remember by Heronfem

Kirishima Eijirou is a Hero. Bakugou Katsuki... is not. Trapped in his toxic workplace and increasingly desperate to get out, Red Riot's days are only brightened by a new villain known as Caution, who's not exactly villainous and keeps accidentally doing good deeds. But when a real villain appears, a threat from the past that demands that Red Riot make the ultimate sacrifice to keep the public safe, Bakugou is forced into saving the day... and eventually, Red Riot himself.

sob story good guy villains are my weakness, this fic is a gem, and I'd kill for the sequel.

Our Hero by AnonymousTwit

He felt everything jerk to the side and throw his balance off before he saw anything, dust clouding his vision and irritating his lungs as the earth itself opened up to swallow them whole. For a single moment, in a millisecond's time, his wild eyes locked with Raccoon Eyes', hers alight with fear and adrenaline-fueled desperation. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized that it was the first time she'd looked at him with something other than long-deserved hatred in days.

And then he was free falling.

Or

After a particularly nasty encounter between childhood friends, the class learns about Bakugou and Midoriya's dark history and practically ostracizes Bakugou while trying to defend Midoriya. An earthquake during an outing has all sides regretting their decisions.

just fucking tear apart my self-sacrificing faves in every way imaginable while their loved ones watch on in terror. 💖🥰💖 this one is heavy on the Bakusquad and Class-1A feels, and VERY heavy on the Mina & Bakugou relationship (platonic).

Running back the tape, watching it replay by Faralyne

For someone ripped from their time, ripped from the few but strong relationships built by time and personal development, by self-reflection and swallowed pride, ripped from the one thing that made him feel worthwhile and needed and put-together, and forced to forge everything over again—Katsuki thinks he is handling it pretty fucking well.

Or

A villain’s quirk sends a 29-year-old Bakugou back in time to his middle school days.

am I a sucker for time travel? yes. am I a sucker for vigilante!bakugou? also yes. am I a sucker for this fic? literally refreshing the page in wait for an update as we speak.

Liability by sandelf

After All-Might dies rescuing Bakugou from the League, Bakugou is determined to prove it wasn't for nothing.

But the world is against him, his grief is overwhelming, and his stability is splitting at the edges.

very self-indulgent bakugou angst. tw for harassment, severe depression, and suicidality.

Special Mentions:

How To Win The Sport Festival: A Step By Step Guide by mhwright

Short re-imagining of the Sports Festival Arc if Shinso had planned a little better and worked a little harder to win the Sports Festival and if the match-ups had been slightly different. Self-indulgent fic of watching him succeed.

this is completely Shinsou-centric, not Bakugou-centric, but I love and adore it and am dying for a sequel. Shinsou is Best Boy here and you'll be rooting for him the whole time.

👀couldnt help but notice you talking about hannibal in your billy loomis imagine 👀 also couldnt help but to notice thats in your fandom list 👀 maybe you should shoot your shot with an imagine with hanni 👀

So over on my Naruto blog I did a little fluff piece called Morning Coffee that everyone seemed to enjoy so I thought I'd bring it here. It’s a simple concept, it follows your morning to the start of your cup to the end of it. Hope you enjoy! --- ☕ Morning Coffee ☕

---

written in the mind-frame of a Female!Reader but there are no pronouns mentioned nor gender specific anatomical body parts.  Warnings: None, flirting with the idea of smut but no actual smut. Sexual longing maybe? Word Count: 1,155

--- Hannibal Lecter

   Having coffee with a friend shouldn't have been this stressful, being this stressed in the morning couldn't be good for you but it wasn't like you could help it. How are you supposed to dress for morning coffee with a man who practically lives in three piece suits? Formal? Business casual? Casual casual? Your clothing covered floor seemed to bare no answers as you stared at what you swore was everything you owned...had everything always been this ugly? God! Why did you even propose a breakfast together? Hannibal does dinner but no you had to pitch breakfast to be different and try to impress him, yeah you're sure he'd be impressed by the amount of clothing on the floor. If you'd been like everyone else and just gone for dinner you'd have more time to try on clothes but a look at the clock told you that you had to leave now or you'd be late and that'd be terrible, that'd be rude and Hannibal can't stand people who're rude. However messy your floor was it was worth it for the compliment you got when Hannibal opened his door to greet you. “I don't see you in colour often, red looks lovely on you.”     Well, guess you're wearing red for the rest of your life.     "Oh thank you.” Finds it's way out of your throat as your face is painted the colour that apparently looks lovely on you.     “Please, come in.” He welcomes stepping to the side to allow room.    You never gave much thought to what a foyer could be, yours is technically where you just kick off your shoes and put your keys but this, this was proper foyer. Just the entrance to his house was nice. God it was big too, he could probably rent it out to a poor college kid for like 500 bucks if he wanted not that he looked like he needed the extra money. Did you even know how to say Foyer properly? You bet Hannibal did, without a doubt he knew all those fancy French words--was that word even French? Oh no, what if you were stupid and it wasn't French? What if this wasn't even a foyer? How dumb were you? H-- hands came up to your shoulders jolting you out of your spiral. Hannibal gently pulls the edges of your jacket and you immediately understand. “Thank you.” You repeat once again.    He smiles with a nod as he slides your jacket off of you with your help and hangs it up on a beautiful wood stand you're sure costs more than half your rent. Thinking about how much money was within these walls could make your head spin but that spinning is halted by the soothing tones of his voice. “Lost in thought?” He inquired.    “Uh, just early morning brain fog you know?” You try to bluff.    It's not convincing but he nods anyway. “Perhaps some coffee would help.”     “Sounds good.” You agree.    Following him through his house only furthers your awe, you could spent a lifetime in here just looking at stuff. “I thought it'd be pleasant to make breakfast together instead of having it ready, eating together is one experience but preparing a meal is another entirely.” He explained    The idea of sharing an experience with Hannibal was one that filled you with butterflies, the more you thought about it you didn't think you'd heard of Hannibal cooking with anyone else, maybe the stress of this morning would pay off after all. “I'm not a chef but I'll do my best, what're we making?”     “Uova al purgatorio.” Which leads to a bit of a blank stare on your end, as pretty as it sounds you've got no idea what that means. “It's an Italian dish, eggs in Purgatory.” He explained.    “Sounds interesting.” You quip.    “It is, the name comes from the eggs sitting in a tomato base, the white of the eggs floating within the red sauce giving the illusion of souls trapped within the unknown of Purgatory.” He explains as he prepares the boiling water for your coffee. “Even at breakfast it seems we wonder where our souls go to lay.”     “Well makes sense for Italy home of the Pope, I'm sure there's religious overtones at most meals.”    He smiles a little and nods. “During my time in Italy it truly does surround you, it's an interesting feeling, almost euphoric to be encapsulated by it at every

turn.” He remarked.    “Wow, you spent time in Italy? It looks beautiful there.” You say, trying to stray a little further from the religious aspect, you don't exactly know where Hannibal falls on that spectrum and the last thing you want to do is come across rude or disrespectful to him. “Coffee smells great.” You add as he pours the boiling water into his very fancy looking French Press.    Your attempt to change subjects doesn't go unnoticed at all but he once again nods as he looks at you. “Yes, I traveled quite a bit in my youth, I called Italy my home for some time.” He explains.     “Do you ever miss it?” You ask    “I take with me what I relish in the places I've been, while I may no longer be surrounded by the Primavera or the walls of Santa Maria della Concezione dei Cappuccini they are ever present in my mind, reproduced with the utmost detail.” You could listen to Hannibal talk all day, it wouldn't matter what he said you just like the way he said things, the timbre of his voice. “Have you ever given thought to travelling?” He prodded.    “Course, who doesn't think about travelling? See far off places, experience new people, new things, different cultures.” You reminisce.    “What stops you?”     You shrug a little. “Funds mainly but I'd want to take the time to learn the language of where I'm going, understand the culture so I don't offend anyone. I don't want to be one of those tourists that makes an ass out of themselves.” You said cringing at the end.    “It's considerate to take the time to understand a culture you will not live in, many go on whims like they're visiting amusement parks.” He agreed. “Would Italy be a place you'd like to visit or would you find their taste for religion leaving a sour taste in your mouth?” He asked.    Did you really think you'd get out of a question Hannibal wanted answered? You shrugged a little once again trying to make sure you phrase things that wouldn't step on toes that were in shoes that likely cost more than your rent. “I'm unsure...I don't know if my broader and more open views would be welcome in the narrower scope of such a religious place and I wouldn't want to impose myself or my views upon anyone.” You slowly clamber out as he pours two cups of what smells like incredibly coffee. “Thank you.” You quickly add as you take it from his hands.    “While I do know you enough to welcome you into my home, I'm not sure if I know you well enough to know of the open views you believe would be scrutinized under the gaze of the Church. Do you speak a broader view of all religions? Racial rights? Sexual appetite?”     You stomach almost leaps into your throat at the last question, talking sexual appetites with someone who could feed that said appetite for the rest of your life? How were you supposed to talk about that? You didn't want to impose but you certainly didn't want to miss any chance of feeding that appetite. “All of the above, you know?” You pitch at first. “I'm a big believer in religious freedoms for everyone, from anywhere--just freedom for everyone in general.” You tackle first, that's the more important one and the one that won't get you into any trouble. “And um--yeah I suppose my sexual appetite wouldn't please the Church.” You say with a small laugh breaking your gaze from Hannibal and down at your coffee cup. “Not exactly a born again virgin.” Smooth. Great job. Wow. Fuck. Maybe you could drown yourself in this coffee? You take a sip and to spite being too shy to ask for sugar or milk this coffee is great, actually smooth. Unlike you. “This is great, what is this?” You try.    Why do you try? He always notices, you're luckier than you know that it endlessly amuses him rather than annoys him. “It's Peaberry Coffee from Tanzania, it's a rounder sweeter bean, almost tea like.” He explains, allowing for a moment for you to believe you've somehow fooled him into letting his prior question go thoroughly unanswered. “It can take a more refined palette to taste all the notes.” He remarks.    “I don't know how refined mine is, I just know it's nice.”

You admit with a small laugh.    “Usually our tongues know more than we think, close your eyes and allow the flavours to dance over your tongue.” He instructed.    Hannibal could tell you to jump off a cliff and if he said it nice enough you probably would. You take a small breath and take another sip and try your damnest to impress Hannibal if only even a little but as you swallow you know your guesses are little more than shots in the dark. “It's sweet...kind of like a berry...?” You weakly pitch.    You're not wrong but Hannibal can tell your guess isn't confident. “Do you know you have a habit of coming in on yourself when you're unsure of what you're saying?” He asks letting you know he's been on to you for much longer than you would have hoped. He comes around from his large kitchen island to stand in front of you and you fight the urge to step back and away which only adds to how hard your heart beats in your chest. “Coming in on ones self allows negative neurons to fire, by simply lifting your head you'll allude more confidence and though red looks lovely on you so does that.” That compliment alone made your head spin so his next action of bringing his warm hand up to gently lift your head? Your entire body felt weak. It was laughable that the simple touch of his thumb resting on your chin and his forefinger below it could have such an effect on you, looking up at him him with unsure eyes as to where this went next was laughable to him. You were putty in his hands, vulnerable in every meaning of the word. "Try again, close your eyes and when you take a sip allow it to work around your mouth, to explore every inch of your tongue.”    Was this porn? This could be porn, this might as well be porn as far as your body was concerned apparently. It took you a moment to actually get your limbs to move and grab your coffee again and it felt good to close your eyes, you liked Hannibal but being so close and having him stare back at you was overwhelming. And he knew it, there was something very satisfying about your kind of vulnerability, it was raw and open for him to touch and mold with his hands. You brought the cup to your lips and took another sip and once again tried to find a defined note in this coffee and maybe it was having your head tilted up, maybe it was having him so close but an answer did come from your mouth. “Cedar?”    Opening your eyes you knew you'd gotten it right by the contented look you were rewarded with. "I had a hunch your tongue knew more than you were letting on.” He teased.    He let his thumb trail back and forth on your chin before moving it away and your head felt like it was floating. “What does your tongue taste? I'm sure it's much more experienced than mine.”     You're sure if you didn't feel so floaty such a blatantly flirty question wouldn't have come out of you but it seemed to fly just fine as a small amused breath made it's way out of him. “Your assumption would be correct.” He let you know. “The notes in this coffee I've become very acquainted with over the years so it wouldn't be much of an exercise in taste for me to tell you them all. Perhaps another breakfast we could expand upon both our tongues.” Your entire body clenched and you had to practically drown out your whine of want by taking a sip of your coffee. “For now we'll be expanding on yours, come, wash up I'll show you how to make uova al purgatorio, a taste from my past.” He said walking back around the kitchen island.    You follow him around the island and with one last sip put your empty coffee cup into the sink. --- ~Admin Coral 🍒 Buy Me A Coffee?

No No Tears No!

Pairing: (Platonic!) Yang Jeongin x Hwang Hyunjin

Genre: Fluff and Angst

Warnings: Talk of anxiety, desciptive scenes of feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts. Cursing. Self-hatred, self-doubt. Unhealthy coping mechanisms!

A/N: Please be careful when reading. Do NOT read, if you get triggered by these topics. Stay safe!💕

Summary: Jeongin hated crying. He always said to his friends and other people important to him, as advice that if they need to cry, they should. In fact, he often encouraged people to cry, as it kind of releases pent up emotion and can ultimately make you feel better. But Jeongin himself couldn't take his own advice: he just hated crying. So he just avoids it. Not a smart choice.

-------------------

Jeongin hated crying. He always said to his friends and other people important to him, as advice that if they need to cry, they should. In fact, he often encouraged people to cry, as it kind of releases pent up emotion and can ultimately make you feel better. But Jeongin himself couldn't take his own advice: he hated crying. Of course everyone hated crying, but his hatred towards it was on another level. So he wasn't surprised when he often found himself pushing the tears back, swallowing his sobs and feeling awful after it. Still. He just couldn't handle the emotional state that happened when you were crying. The feelings it brought. When his friends asked and sometimes even jokingly called him a hypocrite, he always said something about the messiness of it. The snot running from your nose, your eyes becoming red and irritated. How you're running out of breath, and there was also a danger of getting an eyelash in your eye. How dumb the sobs sounded.

While all this was true, there was another reason too. Another one, that he wasn't particularly fond of sharing. To him, crying felt like the peak of sadness. It felt like everything in chest was getting squeezed and crushed into nothing. All the emotions that had been trapped inside, went through, escaping when he sobbed his heart out. They hurt even worse than they originally did. It just hurted, ached so badly that he thought he was going to break. The maximum point of sadness. To him... It felt like losing. Failure. Failure of trying to keep everything together and composed.

But for some reason, lately he has been crying more than he would like. He doesn't really know what to do with himself. So he doesn't do anything.

It started a few weeks ago. It started with sleeping troubles and self-esteem issues. He couldn't fall asleep easily and when he did, he would wake up a few hours later and would have trouble falling asleep again. Jeongin never had a good self-esteem to begin with, he didn't like looking at himself in the mirror. While he mostly didn't say he was the most awful looking human being on earth, he didn't like himself. He never did. He just didn't think too much. But both his views on himself kept changing as his sleeping schedule kept on getting more and more messed up. It all spiraled into another level of hatred when some spots appeared on his skin. He looked hideous. Although it was only four or three spots, it was awful. He felt ashamed. Usually his skin was clean and smooth looking. Now it wasn't. The weight in his chest just got heavier every day, his appetite disappeared and soon he didn't see any other living soul except his mother's. And that too was only because they lived under the same roof. His weight started dropping and he knew often that he should eat, but he didn't. He ate very little, maybe one meal a day. His weight started dropping. He kept declining his friends' invitations to come outside or other meetups. Jeongin didn't even know why, it wasn't like he did anything important with his time. He felt pathetic. It was the summer break and he was just laying around in his room in the dark, doing nothing else but crying and going through his phone, and making his mom dinner. It didn't take for him to realize that his depression was acting up along with his already active anxiety. And that realization required a bit of a shake for him too...

Jeongin woke up, back aching and he felt like he had been run over with a truck. His chest was heavy, but he didn't pay attention to it because it was a part of his life already. He made the dinner, not eating it yet, deciding to force himself to eat later. Now he just wanted to lie down and sleep more. Jeongin's field of vision started blurring as tears made their way into his eyes. He was snapped out of his thoughts at the familiar stinging sensation that told him about the tears' arrival. He blinked his eyes rapidly, taking deep breaths. Jeongin didn't want to cry. The boy got up from the kitchen chair and walked back to his room, misty eyed. He wanted to cry out of frustration, why would he be crying? He did not want to cry. What part of that very clear statement did his body not understand. He lied on his bed, thoughts running wild, and at one point, he just thought: I don't want to live. And that was all he needed before he was sobbing like a small child. His sobs were raw with emotion and he tried to stop it. He did. The boy couldn't stop it, no matter what, he was there just crying, laying in a fetal position in his bed. He tried to tell himself how sad people close to him would be, how he would never be able to see his favorite band ever again. But to his horror, he didn't care. He couldn't bring himself to care. Nothing mattered.

After his sobs started to quiet down, he felt numb but drained. He was annoyed with himself, that he felt this way. Why was he like this? I guess on the plus side, the crying saved my life. I would have done something stupid if I wasn't busy crying so much that I could barely breathe, let alone move. Jeongin wasn't happy with it. He was so tired that he couldn't even properly think about suicides. That thought alone scared him. If only he would have known that the realization if wanting to die and that his depression was active again, would make his thought world even darker.

For the next few days, Jeongin didn’t get any better. He felt numb to it all, but he also felt like he was close to crying and breaking apart any second now. His friends messaged him, asking if he’s okay. Commenting on his absence, how little he actually responded back to their texts. How dull even his texts were. Honestly Jeongin felt like he wasn’t really there. Like something was missing. Maybe his head wasn’t in the game or he himself was so emotionally drained that he didn’t have anything left. Not enough emotions to actually reply back properly. Write a heartfelt message, apologize for his behviour. When his friends complained about something, the best he could come up with: it will be okay and oof. Which was a big change, since he was usually so composed, always ready to help and give good advice. That was the reason why people even came to him in the first place, because he always had good advice and could provide a new way of looking at things. He felt the need to apologize. To say that this wasn’t him. But that was where the whole thing kind of fell apart. This was him. He was just extremely good at hiding it. Jeongin just shook his head as another text popped up, completely ignoring it. Sorry Seungmin-hyung, he thought and shifted his gaze back onto the wall that he had been staring for a good 30 minutes.

It was 5pm when the doorbell rang, indicating that his mom was home. He felt rage surge inside of him, gritting his teeth, he ran to the door to promptly rip it open. His mom was there smiling and Jeongin had the urge to kick her. Her mother’s smile fell from her lips when she noticed her son’s expression. Jeongin just turned on his heel to go back to his room.

“What’s wrong?” His mom asked, the look of worry on her face.

“You have your own damn house keys, why don’t you use them? Why do you force me to always come and run to open the door for you?” The boy exploded. He bit his lip as he tried to hold himself back from cursing his mother’s whole existense down to Hell. Jeongin didn’t wait for any reply and went back to his room, resisting the urge to slam his door closed like an angry child. He was aware that he was being childish and also knew that this was another symptom. Let’s add: irritation to the list of symptoms, he thought bitterly to himself. He didn’t want to hurt his mother. But now all the emotion was too much to handle and he wasn’t sure what to do with himself.

“Why did you get mad over that?” His mother shouted from the kitchen and Jeongin wanted to cry out of anger.

“Not every fucking day can be a good day!” He screamed back. Oh my God, I’m a fucking child, he scolded himself. Oh no wait, I’m just an edgy teenager. An ungrateful brat, your mom did nothing to deserve that. I have no right to act this way, I have no reason to feel “depressed”. I have no right to feel this, no reason at all. Someone has it worse than me… He was disgusted with himself. Again, he started crying. Then he fell asleep.

The next time he woke up, was to his phone ringing. It scared him so badly that he banged his head against the wall behind him. Jeongin hastily reached for his phone, heart beating wildly in his chest. Hyunjin was calling. He huffed and put his phone down again, letting it ring, not wanting nor daring to pick it up. But what if Hyunjin was in trouble? The ringing made his anxiety make it’s presence known. Hyunjin deserves that I at least answer to him, he guilted himself and grabbed the phone, just about to press answer when the call ended. He stared at the phone, eyes wide. Part of him felt smug, but a part of him was terrified. He just rested his head back against the mattress with a blank face. Well, if Hyunjin had any urgent business, he would text him. And when Jeongin had gathered enough energy, he would reply back to the tall dancer. But right now, that goal was just a hazy dream in his mind, as he was drained after the sudden adrenaline he got from being scared by his phone.

It was maybe about 10pm when Jeongin was somewhat alive enough to grab his phone again to reply to Hyunjin (who had been messaging throughout the day, not spamming, but just dropping a few messages here and there). He read through them and he felt kind of sorry. He took a deep breath and sent a text saying:

DesertFoxie: Hi hyung. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up when you called. I’ve been super busy, you know, doing my summer reading and all that shit. Honestly it took a lot out of me so I kinda may or may not have slept for like 4 hours. What did you want to talk about? Why did you call?

Sent,10:03pm

Waiting for an answer was nerve-wracking, especially when he saw that Hyunjn pretty much went online as his message went through. He swallowed thickly as the older started typing an answer to him. Should he wait for the answer? Or should he ignore it? Or just go offline and watch the window of the text then, so he could read through it without marking it straight away as read. It would give him time to ponder carefully what to answer. Despite his curiousness of his hyung’s reasoning, he did put his phone down and just stared at the oh so interesting wall again, just waiting for Hyunjin’s reply.

Hyunjin-hyungie: Hi. I was just wondering that how have you been doing recently. I’m really worried of you, Innie. It’s been awhile that you’ve been this distant to any of us… Please just know that I’m here. Tell me how are you.

Sent, 10:05pm

Ok, his hyung was the best person ever, Jeongin decided. He weighed his options for a moment, finger drumming against his thigh. Should he be honest or say that he was fine? He was so lonely. And he wanted to talk in a way, but at the same time not. He sent a message asking Hyunjin that did he want an honest answer. Of course, Hyunjin said yes. Jeongin nibbled on his lip and threw his head back in frustration. What to choose.

He decided to say fuck depression and anxiety, pushing himself to reply back and tell the truth, like Hyunjin had requested.

DesertFoxie: You know… The usual depressing bullshit. Actually no. You don't know, because I haven't said anything. I've been hating myself for a few weeks now consistently. Idk why, I just find myself disgusting. So I've been eating less and then I've eaten more and foods that aren't very good for you. But mainly not eaten a lot. Mainly because I don't have an appetite. Like I can't bring myself to care that I'm eating very sugary and chocolaty ice cream, not good for my skin since I'm trying to clear it up. But later, I will be like lol that's your fault, shouldn't have eaten u ugly ass, etc.

DesertFoxie: Oh and I've been isolating myself a lot more than usual. Hence why I'm hard to reach.

DesertFoxie: Aanndd my insomnia is acting up. And apparently, so is my depression.

DesertFoxie: I feel awful because my emotional state is so dumbly depressed and numb that I can't even put a proper thank you text together for you know… Checking on me and listening to me right now… Anyways, that's why all my advice (when people ask) has always sucked and been like oh yeah it will get better, drink water, sleep... I get why people would get frustrated with me.. I usually give good advice and support them (I do but fkalfkd) I just.. then give that bullshit that anyone can say ir figure out by themselves…

DesertFoxie: Like.. I can't.. just give you advice? Something just isn't there. Maybe it's my head. Maybe my emotions.. I don’t know.

DesertFoxie: And it's getting hard to pretend to be fine to my mom. Que me being in my room and avoiding all humans once and for all. We can add to the list of symptoms: irritability… I don't want to snap at mom. Because no. 1. She will most likely get mad at me. 2. Yeah just no that’s a bad idea.

DesertFoxie: It kinda makes your head feel heavy too? You feel so sluggish… I hate depression... It kind of feels like crying. Everything hurts and aches, everything gets squeezed in your chest so badly to the peak of heaviness and sadness and goes away and the next thing you know, you don't feel anything for a week. You hate everything. Nothing matters. I wrote a whole paragraph of how depression feels, yet I feel like that's not nearly enough. Like there is so much more, something so unexplainable. And you just want to sleep…

DesertFoxie: I just want to keep saying this isn't me but it is. I'm just good at hiding it.

Sent, 10:25pm

Jeongin held his breath after writing all that. He started regretting the choice after a minute already. Was that too much? Shit I’m too much, he thought and closed his phone. His heart was hammering in his chest and the familiar stinging of tears returned again.

“Fuck my fucking life, tears, just go away!” He screamed into his pillow. He was so so tired and done with the seemingly endless tears, actually he was done with living overall. If only he could just not exist, living would be so much easier. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do that, so he just settled for waiting Hyunjin’s reply, heart in his throat. The sudden ping from his phone scared him yet again. He glanced over and the text he saw, made his heart stop.

Hyunjin-hyungie: I’m coming over.

Sent, 10:22pm

Jeongin was pacing back and forth his room, biting his finger. Was Hyunjin mad? Was he not? Holy shit, he had probably angered his hyung. He didn’t need to inform his mom about Hyunjin’s arrival, since she had gone to a very long walk. Now he was extremely grateful for his mom’s obsession with long hikes and walks. He could trust that his mom wouldn’t be home, when Hyunjin and him would most likely talk. A lot. This time, Jeongin wasn’t looking forward to talking with him. This time the whole conversation would resolve around him, and honestly he wasn’t quite ready for that, but he knew he owed that much to Hyunjin. Fun. Then he heard the front door open and someone frantically kicking their shoes off and before he had time to move, the hurried steps got close to his room and his room’s door was opened. And there stood Hyunjin. The older boy was a bit sweaty and panting from probably running the apartment complex’s staircase up.

“Jeongin”, he breathed out and took maybe two or three long steps so that he could wrap his arms around the younger. Hyunjin hugged like he was afraid Jeongin was going to disappear from his arms.

“Hyung?” Jeongin asked tentatively, bringing his skinny arms around the tall boy.

“I’m here, hyungie is here. You’re not alone”, Hyunjin whispered.

The two boys sat one the floor, side by side, holding hands. Jeongin wasn’t quite on board with just draping himself over Hyunjin, although he was sure that the older boy wouldn’t mind at all. They had talked. A lot. And now it was silent, it had been for the last 8 minutes. Then Hyunjin broke the silence and asked a question that he had been thinking about since he saw the metaphor in the text messages.

“Why did you compare the feeling of depression with crying?” Hyunjin asked. Jeongin sighed.

“Well… Uhh… I don’t like crying. It feels like… Crying feels like the peak of sadness and it makes it feel like everything in your chest gets crushed. Well.. more like your heart… Like crying sucks.. Your eyes hurt, you get eyelashes in your eyes, your nose is running and your like running out of breath and it just hurts. It feels like the sadness is just squeezing into the maximum level”, he explained with a quiet voice, fiddling with Hyunjin’s long fingers.

“Is that why you always avoid crying?” Hyunjin asked. Jeongin just nodded.

“I guess we have to work on that then”, Hyunjin concluded. Jeongin lifted his gaze to his hyung in confusion.

“We?” he asked, confused.

“Yes we. It’s not like I’m going to let you deal with all this alone, I’m your hyung, you know. I’m here. And I will gladly help.” Jeongin just lowered his eyes to the ground and squeezed Hyunjin’s hand tighter. Perhaps the both boys knew that Jeongin cried silently next to his strong hyung, but they didn’t say anything about it.

Yes, Jeongin hated crying with passion. But now he wasn’t alone with everything, he had Hyunjin by his side.

hiya tumblr

i haven’t done this in.. well quite some time but here goes

just to update anyone who is reading this - hi i’m lisa and i am almost done my first year of law school. it’s gone okay, but the exams are murderous they’re so much harder than i could have ever imagined and i’m really struggling. but i just got a job with the prosecution services in a town just about an hour away for the summer. i’ve always wanted to be a prosecutor like genuinely always since i was like 12 years old. it’s hard to articulate why because it’s kind of shifted after going through a whole undergraduate degree where i learned all about people and society and psychology and criminology and stuff. but i still want to be one and i want to make a difference with my career and hope to make at least a small impact on the criminal justice system. but you see the thing is so many people are doubting me on this. just this past week alone two separate colleagues at school have basically told me that my reasons for wanting to be a prosecutors are stupid and i won’t be able to make any changes as a lawyer and you know i get it maybe being a lawmaker or a politician would be able to make more change. but i think it’s important for prosecutors to make changes from within the criminal justice system you know? by not focusing so much on incarceration and targeting of indigenous canadians and use more meaningful consequences that will decrease criminality. i know that’s idealistic and hopeful and probably naive but that’s what i believe and want to do with my life and it’s all i’ve wanted to do for like over 10 years. i’m also so lonely? i have friends at school but we don’t really hang out outside of class and lunch and school-related functions. i mean a couple times i have been invited out and that’s nice. but my friends pre-law school are not communicating with me. i’m always the one starting the conversation and rarely does it last long. so yeah i’m struggling. a couple weeks ago i had my reading week break and told them to let me know when they were free so we could get together and so one suggested the snow maze and then i immediately said yes that sounds great and it took the others (one of which is like the leader of the other two - they won’t go if the one main one doesn’t) until the day before to finally commit. but then when we got there (i drove because i’m the only one with a car) the three fucked off and did their own thing and left my other friend and i alone. and then you know i had to drive them home and they like didn’t talk to me on the drive back. so i feel like i did something wrong but of course i didn’t but my brain doesn’t let me think otherwise and yeah the depression thing is always fun but it’s really messing me up but i’m too scared to go to the doctor and do anything about it because i know just how expensive it is to get help and how long it takes to get help and i don’t know if i go see my gp if she just give me a prescription for antidepressants because i think i need them. the social anxiety is getting bad again too, and i think it might be merging into general anxiety which is super fun. i’m crying all the time now and i don’t like that it’s not fun and it makes me feel like shit and idk i just don’t feel like i have anyone to really talk to. i feel like no one wants to talk to me and i know i’m not the best person i try to be nice but i’m so fucking weird and awkward and i don’t know i’m not a good talker i don’t say the right thing i say dumb things all the time and idk maybe i can’t do this maybe i can’t do law school it’s so stressful and hard and i feel so dumb in class which is new i’ve always understood the things i’m learning before but now it’s like everyone around me is having no trouble but i’m struggling and i just i hate it i hate my self and how i am and i just want to sleep all the time and i do i go to school for like 10 hours and try and do some studying there and then i come home and i’m just so drained that i end up zoning out and not being able to do anything except watch netflix and sleep and it makes it really hard to keep up with courses and i’m really worried that i’m going to fail everything and that will ruin my life i will never be able to become a lawyer let alone a prosecutor and then what do i do with my life because i didn’t do honours psych because i was told i wasn’t good enough for the program so i woudl have to go back and do the 2 year add on just to be considered for the masters program and then i would have to go get a phd and i would still be in school when i’m 30 and i’m spiralling i’m spiralling hard and who knows if i would even be a good clinical psychologist i’m surely not good or smart enough to be a psychiatrist because med school would actually kill me but my peers are so smart like so smart they talk about their undergrad experiences and most of them never got anything less than an A or A+ whereas I got a mix of everything I’m talking like an even split between B+ A and A+ but i still got a bunch of B’s and one C+ and even on the midterms they’re all sad because they all got B’s and i’m sitting there like fuck really i would die for a B because I actually failed one of them, and got a C and a C+ on two others, and that means i’m very at risk of not doing well overall and holy fuck the finals are worth between 70 and 80% of my grade and that’s terrifying and i just know i’m going to fuck it up and i’m just so scared and worried and in addition to the crying you know when you can actually feel a strain in your heart like you heart is trying to leave your chest because you are just so sad and oh heart yeah still single still a 23 year old virgin who has been on 3 dates and is continually rejected on dating apps and i’ve never even been kissed and how pathetic is that i mean how do you get to be twenty fucking three without having any physical intimacy like i don’t even get hugs because i don’t see my friends because they don’t talk to me anymore and my immediate family are not huggers and i’m worried that i’ll never be able to find a partner because who wants someone so old who has no experience whatsoever and is emotionally and physically stunted in the romance department and oh yeah and questioning sexuality is fun too like that’s just one more thing to be worried about and i’ve been going between over eating and not eating and i’ve gained so much weight i’m so disgusting my body is repulsive to me so i can’t imagine ever showing it to another person and i really yeah i really wish i could just start over like die and start over or at least maybe go back to grade 4 and start over because that’s where it all started to go downhill my dad got laid off and then found a job in edmonton which is two provinces away and my mom was so stressed and i had to step up and help around the house and take out garbage and clean and do things to get the house ready for showings and i started to get acne and started to get self conscious and i’ve never really been the same little girl that i used to be and i just wish i had someone to talk to i really just wish i had some person to talk to me and want to talk to me and isn’t doing it out of some sort of obligation  just a person who genuinely wants to be my friend and do friend things i miss having someone to just be silly around i haven’t had that in like 15 years i just don’t like where i am right now in life as a person i just wish i had a different life 

anyway yeah i’m going to go sleep for probably 12 hours now thanks 

Still Breathing Part 3

Here it finally is, the last part of the story… or not. I kind of lied… Maybe there’s a part 4 coming too. Just very excited about this story, sorry xd. You obviously can also stop with this one as it has a pretty decent ending too, I think. Hope you like it! And please ignore my grammar mistakes, hope I didn’t make too much… 

Read part 1 ; part 2

Alex Danvers x Reader

Word Count: 4,699

Stepping out of the old train station building, you gaze at the clear blue sky and deeply inhale the polluted city air. Around are colossal, grey buildings, probably most of them offices. You feel a gentle breeze on your face as someone in a sharp suit, gripping a briefcase tight, probably a lawyer, rushes by you. Hearing a nearby car honk aggressively, you see some pigeons on the pavement. They don’t even flinch hearing the loud honking sound.

Finally… you’re back in National City again. It feels familiar. As if nothing has changed.

You were not able to get your old apartment back, but luckily another one in the same building was free. What a coincidence right? All your stuff was still stored away safely. It didn’t take too long moving it into your new place. Especially having your bad-ass motorcycle back made you glow of happiness.

Now that you were settled in again, you had to figure out your future plans. A job at the DEO again? Reconnect with friends? Go by Alex’ place to finally see her? Questions spiraling through your mind constantly. You decided to carry out the latter first, or at least try it.

Standing at the edge of the pavement, still seated on your bike, you stare at the building entrance of Alex’ place for what seems to be hours.

“Do I go inside? Or come back later? Like… tomorrow? I will do it tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow”

At that exact moment you see a woman with gorgeous red hair, one side cut shorter than the other, walk out of the building. You had already put your helmet back on and had slipped on your black leather gloves, because you were just planning on leaving. Opening the helmet cap and gazing at her perfect figure as she somewhat runs down a small flight of stairs like she’s in a big hurry.

“Wow, I really look like a creepy stalker right now”, you say to yourself. “This was a bad idea, maybe I should just go. I’ll bet she doesn’t even want to see me again.’’

You start to self-reflect. Why do you always do this? Have fun and make jokes as these are easy, but when it comes to real feelings and raw emotions you back out. Your mind wanders to Alex again. Remembering her beautiful, sometimes goofy, smile. You even remember what it sounds like. Also what her voice sounds like. You can even hear her soft, tender voice, calling your name gently.

”(Y/N)“

And again:

”(Y/N)?”

Abruptly you were pulled from your dreamy thoughts, looking a bit disoriented.

“(Y/N)?!”

“Yes?”

“You looked a little lost out there”, Alex states after repeating your name over and over again, eyes now locked with yours. “I know you had a rough day, or you want to go home?”

As Alex spoke these last few, caring words, you had an epiphany.

“Wait- How did you even know about my new address in the first place?”, slightly tilting your head, looking at Alex confused. You did not tell her about your new place she unexpectedly visited last week, seeing her for the first time in ages again. Well- okay, honestly it was just two months, but she doesn’t know that you’d seen her in front of her apartment building, watching from a short distance, almost immediately after your return.  

“Well… you do know I’m the Director of a secret government organization, right?”, Alex sarcastically grins, glad that you came back to work again.

You laugh subtly, “True Danvers”, when suddenly some sad mood hits you, thinking about the events that happened earlier today.

///

[Earlier today]

Back at the DEO, never thinking you would set a foot inside this place ever again, you wait for Alex, well-, Director Danvers. Should be getting used to calling her that by now. Gazing around, still in doubt, thinking if this was the right choice, you observe how much the building has changed since the last time you were here. The first step is always the hardest, it will get better you assume. As Alex walks up to you, she makes a hand gesture to follow her.

“Let’s go, we need to be in the locker room”, she instructs a bit mysteriously and cautious while she is looking over her shoulder at the same time. Apparently you came back in the midst of some crisis.

“Okay…?”, you question, but also oblige, and start to follow her rapid pace.

As you’re walking towards the lockers, a women intercepts you and Alex.

“Who is this?”, she asks with a strict tone, frowning at you.

“This is Agent (Y/L/N). Back to work here again after being on a leave of absence”, Alex confidently responds, standing in a pose with her arms crossed behind her back.

“Why haven’t you discussed this with me?”, she expresses with a downgrading tone and look. She now turns to you and introduces herself. “Colonel Lauren Haley” while shaking your hand firmly. “Now, get Agent (Y/L/N) a uniform and get back to work”, she barks at Director Danvers. You see Alex keeping her expression blank, but you know she has ‘less pleasant’ emotions on the inside. Alex is glad that she’s off the hook whereas you and her actively continue your course.

Gathered with a dozen Agents in the locker room, Alex speaks to all:

“As you know, Colonel Haley wants to uncover Supergirl’s secret identity. Only the agents in this room know it. So… what I’m really asking you is to lie to a superior officer. I know this is a lot to ask, but-”. An agent standing in this small space with you suddenly interrupts and states: “I’ll do whatever I can to protect you and Supergirl, Director Danvers.’’. Several other Agents agree and confirm not shortly after, causing Alex to somewhat relax. But not everyone. You see one Agent in serious doubt, his face overtaken by resentment.

“No.. NO! I can’t, I won’t!”, he bursts out in anger. “I won’t risk my job and reputation for Supergirl!”. You feel your body fuel with rage as you powerfully clench your fists. Alex tries to calm him down when he suddenly becomes jumpy, very close to hurting Alex. You don’t hesitate for a moment. Reaching for his upper arms to grab him, placing yourself next to Alex to protect her. Only now he punches you. Right in the face. You taste blood, something that you haven’t tasted in a while.

“Quite a punch”, you say to him, smirking, while touching the corner of your mouth with your finger tips, wiping the red liquid off. You don’t falter and hit him accurately back on the nose, causing it to break. He miserably falls to the ground due to the forceful blow. Landing flat on his back. Something snapped inside of you as you now powerfully jump on him and keep the punches rapidly flowing. Bruising your knuckles badly. Before being violently broken up by Alex and some other Agents, he finally manages to land a nasty right hook behind your eye using his last portion of energy. That’s definitely gonna leave a mark. But you’re not the one in the worst condition. I mean- you should see the other guy…

Alex is furious at you. You can see the flames in her eyes, but also a faint concern arises. “Help him out of here. I’ll deal with him later”, she states, pointing to the other Agents, who escort the wounded man away. Now turning to you, she tells with a disappointed sigh:

“Come on, let’s clean you up”.  

Sitting in the examination room on a cold, metal table, Alex dabs the blood from the corner of your mouth and your cracked lip gently. Keeping an ice pack on the edge of your left eye to suppress the swelling. You groan which makes Alex look up at you. She breaks the utter silence, not having spoken a word since the incident.

“Why did you do that? That was totally out of line. You know what I have to do now, right?, she says to you with a dreadful serious tone. You look at her with guilty eyes and stay silent, still holding the ice-pack to your head.

“I’m the Director now, so I have to suspend you for this behaviour”, she admits, breaking eye contact with you.

“I-I know. It was stupid”, you exclaim, knowing that you made a complete, terrible mess. “I’ll go home”, you say ashamed. You already want to get up from the steel table when she pushes you back with her hand now placed on your chest. Your bruised, blood red hands need cleaning as well. Alex grabs a cloth, soaked in alcohol to disinfect and clean the wounds as she sits on a stool. She takes your left hand while she begins to clean it delicately.

“Sit down. This might sting a little.”, she announced, gaze now fixed on the damaged skin of your knuckles.

As soon as the strongly scented stuff touches the wounds, you flinch, making Alex grip your hand tighter. You stay silent, clenching your teeth while she finishes up and declares:

“All Done”.

Alex swiftly stands up and walks away, probably still furious, when she suddenly calls at you.

“Hey, you want to grab a drink after I’m done here?”, standing at the doorway, turning back to face you. “Kara and J’onn will also be there’, she adds.

You answer with a faint smile, ignoring the pain for a moment:

“Sure Danvers, I’d love to”.

///

[Back to current time]

As Kara, J’onn and Alex are laughing and enjoying their time, you stare silently at your drink. Still having a sad puppy look on your face. Kara, who’s seated next to you, notices it and caringly asks, looking you in the eyes, concerned:

“Something’s bothering you, what is it? You can tell me.”

During your past time in National City, Kara had become a bit of a sister to you. Caring and looking out for you, also as Supergirl of course. Now that you’re back, it seems like she has picked up that role again.

“Nothing’s wrong”, you grunt at her, shrugging, not wanting to talk about the matter in question.

As you keep your mouth shut, Alex swoops in and explains what happened today. Not liking the way she tells the story, you turn your head away. But honestly, you didn’t want to talk about it yourself, so it’s kind of your own wrongdoing.

“Why did you even pick that fight?!”, Kara asks, feeling somewhat responsible, because it was about her secret identity. But she delivers it with a slightly different tone than anticipated which makes you feel a little bitter.

True reason was that the Agent was threatening Alex. And indirectly Kara. You couldn’t take that. Your mood begins to darken. Being real annoyed about the questions Alex and Kara are throwing your way. You just wanted to protect the Danvers sisters. Alex is obviously still pissed at you, which clearly presented itself on how she was telling the story some minutes ago. Of course she didn’t like having to suspend you on your first day back, but you left her no other choice. Knowing damn well she could have fired you for this behaviour. As Alex and Kara want to interrogate you further, you’ve had enough. You can’t take it anymore. Aggressively standing up and sprinting out of the crowded bar. Not looking back at them. It’s all becoming too much. Too many emotions cropped up inside of you.

///

[The day you left National City]

Walking into the apartment building where Alex lives, you go straight to the mailboxes to search for the correct number. Once found, you pull a letter out of your jacket. It has written ‘Alex’ on the white envelope. Just as you want to put the envelope in Alex her mailbox, you hear someone brightly calling your name. You lift your head up and close your eyes because you unmistakably recognize the voice.

“Could the timing be any worse..”, you sigh quietly. This was something you were trying to avoid, by far. It’s of course Alex who was just coming down the stairs and saw you standing in front of the mailboxes.

“Everything okay? Why are you here?”, she asks while you turn around to face her, quickly hiding the letter you had written.

You look like you’ve been caught red handed and hesitate.

“I-I’ve cleared out my apartment and terminated my lease”, you explain to Alex, who is looking extremely confused.

“What did you do with all your stuff?”, she speaks, as it’s probably the first thing that popped in her mind.

“I’ve rented a storage box, you know, those from the TV programs and all. Where they open it and sell-”.

Your rambling is interrupted by Alex, who is still not really understanding what is happening right now, but immediately asks a more obvious question: 

“So… so you were going to leave without saying goodbye?”

“Well… I’m not good at goodbyes”, you softly admit, averting your gaze to the ground.

“It’s not that I don’t understand why you’re leaving”, Alex reveals, when she pulls you in for an unexpected hug, arms wrapped around you tight. You feel a pain surge originating from your bruised chest, caused by the accident that made you decide to leave. But also a warmth, rushing through your body, induced by Alex her touch.

Maybe the hug was timed perfectly, since your eyes started to become watery. But you can contain yourself. Still holding you she declares:

“When you’re ready you can always come back”.

You pull away from her touch, already missing it, and say: "I know. I guess this is goodbye then”, already turning half around towards the exit.

“Goodbye (Y/N)”, she softly utters, noticing her voice crack.

You try to quickly walk away, limping from your unhealed gunshot wound as the water in your eyes becomes uncontainable. Still holding the letter in your hand. I guess she’s never going to know what you’ve written to her. You drive away, not knowing when you will be back or if you’ll ever see Alex again.

///

[Present]

Alex rushes behind you, following, as you were obviously not okay. Kara also wanted to follow, but J’onn grabbed her arm as he gave her a gesture that it would be better if she stayed inside.

Once outside the bar, still running, you hear Alex calling your name. Also hearing some cars passing by, engines revving. It’s cold and drizzling, as you feel tiny raindrops touching your face. A small fluorescent lamp just above the entrance of the bar lights up the limited area in front of the building. You inhale that pleasant petrichor aroma. The scent of rain falling on dry ground. 

“(Y/N)! Stop. Wait!”

You had come to an abrupt halt and turn around, trying to control your breathing. You see Alex standing there, looking a bit shocked because of your ‘dramatic’ exit.

“Where are you going and what the hell are you doing?”, she bursts out, slightly using the wrong tone and fiercely crossing her arms after. You stare at her in silence, frowning, not knowing what to say now that a ton of emotions are rushing through your body. You still can’t seem to get your breathing under control as she expresses the following, causing your heart rate to accelerate while trying to suppress the rage. 

“You can’t just run away and hide from your problems every time. Running away does not fix things.”

Standing there outside in front of the bar, feeling a cold shiver, still not able to open your mouth whilst Alex continues.

“Just as the reason you left National City. You can’t fix everything by disappearing!”, she loudly snaps as the underlying topic of the fierce discussion is subtly shifted.

“I know I left”, you grunt with resentment, mostly being mad at yourself, finally able to answer. At the same moment you ball your fists intensely, making the unhealed skin on your knuckles crack.

Alex exclaims with an annoyed, harsh tone: “Have you even found what you were searching for while you were away?!”. Averting your eyes away from Alex, becoming more and more angry now that this little fight is heating up.

“Are you not going to say anything?? Like, did you even think about it? How we would feel. How I would feel?”, she shouts, fiercely frowning and lecturing at you with a temper. You don’t speak, as your silence says it all, knowing Alex is completely right.

“I didn’t even want you to go, I wanted you to stay!” she now bursts out. Feeling a light scare about what she just admitted to you while she flinches.

“Y- you wanted me to stay?” you recite with a crackling, now softer voice as you just froze. Rage rapidly leaving your body while also processing what she confessed to you.

“Well, when you put it like that, I sound really selfish”, Alex murmurs, tilting her head towards the wet, concrete ground.

“No. You’re not selfish… It’s my fault. I- I left… Of course only thinking about myself. I- I was…”, you can’t seem to produce any words, eyes becoming a bit watery.

“I thought I lost you again”, Alex reveals while stepping slowly towards you because you both started speaking with a softer voice. You relax a bit. Maybe this was the push that you needed, because before you can even realize you admit: 

“I- I came back for you”. Alex stops breathing and looks at you with lost bubbly eyes.

“What did you just say?”, she asks delicately. And you repeat:

“I came back to National City for you. I will always come back for you.”

///

[Day of the accident at DEO that made you leave]

You open your locker and put the shiny new motorcycle helmet inside. This day feels different than usual, you don’t know why, but it’s a gut feeling you have. You quickly change into your uniform as of course you were a little late. Again.

“J'onn is not going to like it”, you think, while rushing to the briefing.

Seeing the other agents gathered, all listening to Director J'onzz, you swiftly slip into the back, pretending you were there the entire time. Looking at J’onn, listening to his words, you sense someone else watching you. It’s Alex. As you avert your eyes to her, you notice a slight grin appear on her face. She probably knows you were not standing here a couple of seconds ago. You smile back a bit awkwardly, because you don’t want J’onn finding out you were not on time.

As you had missed a great part of what J’onn said to the Agents, you still know what the topic of the briefing was. Nowadays it’s mainly about the rogue military group that is after everything alien, as long as it can be turned into a weapon.

At the time J’onn is finished, Supergirl, aka Kara Danvers as you know, flies into the building and walks with Alex to the screens and computers. You follow but walk towards Winn instead.

“Still working on tracking their location?”, you ask Winn, interested if he has found more information or not.

“They cover their tracks Pretty. Damn. Good”, Winn answers, eyes still focused on the screen. Not wanting to disturb him any further, you turn around, having no clue what to do next. You see Alex, still discussing something with Supergirl. Staring at her for some time when you suddenly hear Winn, jumping out off his chair:

“Yes! Finally! They made a mistake! I traced them to this abandoned warehouse!”, he proudly states, pointing at the map that is shown on the large screen. Alex quickly looks up and caught you gloating at her. But there is no time to act back, because there is critical work to be done. Winn is now rambling on about how he’s found them, words you don’t understand. You ignore his mumbling and stare silently at the screen in doubt.

“Is this right? Did he really found their location? Why slip-up now?”

J’onn already reacted on the newly given information and assigns a whole team of Agents to gear up and move out. Supergirl also proceeded and left with her super-speed to fly there to scout the area beforehand. Still standing in front of the large screen, with a puzzled look, Alex has now joined you.  

“Something wrong?”, she asks as you’re still staring at the map with the suggested location marked, frowning.

“I think I’ll sit this one out”, you reply, having a strange feeling about this.

“Good, then you can help me coordinate the operation”, she offers delightfully, pointing at a chair for you to sit on. Guess Alex also decided to stay.

///

You’re currently speaking with the Agents and Supergirl on comms, as they’ve arrived at the huge, decayed warehouse. Supergirl has spotted a large shaped area covered in lead. This obviously screams ‘secret hideout’. Communicating with Supergirl and the Agents, commanding them to cautiously enter the recently build, lead hideout, you hear a massive amount of glass shattering to pieces. At the same time everything becomes pitch black at the DEO. A power outage. The comms also shut down. Not being able to communicate with the Agents and Kara anymore. Due to an EMP maybe?

It’s the rogue military group. Currently breaching DEO headquarters through the destroyed windows and enter, guns blazing, while the area becomes filled with smoke. They likely want to weaponize the aliens currently in holding, so they’ll without a doubt try to free and take them. The warehouse obviously was a decoy, to lure Supergirl and a great amount of the Agents away. You and Alex are now with half the manpower left. Everything is happening so fast. Adrenaline flooding your veins. Making your hands a little shaky. While taking cover, you automatically reach for your firearm in the holster attached to your leg. But it’s not there. “F*ck”. Guess you forgot it in the morning due to your haste. You don’t hesitate for a second and rush towards the armory. Hearing Alex scream at you to stay put. But you don’t listen.

Rushing into the dark hallway like a warrior, you encounter a soldier. You run towards him through the smoke. Sprinting top speed, you slide yourself onto the ground. Guard up high. Aiming with the heels of your boots on his shins. You kick him hard, making him lose balance and crash to the ground. Harshly. While he is lying on the cold, dirty floor, you swiftly kick him again. Hard on the head, knocking him completely out. You quickly stand up again, lightly coughing from the smoke, continuing your course.  

///

The rogue soldiers have spread like a virus throughout the building. Smoke and dust everywhere. Running back from the armory, in formation. Shooting at the targets with a couple of other Agents, who obviously were thinking the same as you. You overhear:

“GRENADE!”, followed by a loud explosion noise which made you cover your head defensively with your arms as sharp fragments scatter around. Leaving you slightly disoriented with a nasty ringing noise in your ears you look up.

It’s absolute chaos at the DEO.

Your breathing frequency is rising and you’re gasping for air. But you keep running. Running as fast as you can. So fast, that you eventually don’t feel your muscles anymore.

Suddenly four precise gunshots are fired in your direction. Bullets slicing rapidly through the air contaminated with white-grey smoke.

Of course you were wearing a bulletproof vest, I mean that’s an obvious choice right? But still… being struck by 3 bullets on the chest from close range does hurt, like a lot. You have fallen to the ground, now pouting. Feeling a severe pressure on the chest due to those slugs that hit you. It’s a feeling you’ve had before. You feel like you’re suffocating. Trying to catch your breath. Gasping for air. At the same time you feel a horrific stabbing pain in your right thigh, quickly radiating through the rest of your body. 

“Well that’s probably where that fourth bullet went”. You think, hating yourself for not evading the shots in time.

Unable to get up, still lying down on the floor in excruciating pain. But then you feel a pull on your back, making you to move backwards and groan in agony. Alex had grabbed you by your vest and is dragging you away from the crossfire. Your whole body hurts, but you try to suppress the pain.

You jokingly mumble to Alex, finding the strength to speak: “Damn… n-now I can’t make game night… at.. at your sisters place.”, still feeling that compression on the chest. But this is not the time to make jokes. And you know it. You grab your leg with your hands to search where the flesh wound is and feel warm blood seeping out. You try to completely cover it to prevent more blood gushing out of your injured body. Alex has reached the concrete wall, and sits you down in some dark corner.

“Listen, you keep pressure on that leg, I’ll be back for you, okay? Just keep breathing”, she asserts, while already running towards the danger again. Disappearing in the thick fog. “I’ll always keep breathing for you…”, you weakly whispered back to Alex, who could not hear you anymore, while leaning your pale head against the wall. Unwillingly closing your eyes.

What Alex doesn’t know is that, by the time she will be back, you will already be unconscious. Not being able to stop the bleeding from your gunshot wound anymore, still fighting for your life.

///

[Present]

Raindrops falling from the sky with less and less pause in between. It’s not drizzling anymore as it started to rain profoundly harder outside. As a result, puddles of water start to form in front of the bar. But you don’t care because your mind is somewhere else. Staring at each other for a couple of seconds in silence, which seemed like forever, you didn’t notice that the distance between you two had vanished. Heartbeat pounding in your chest, you have difficulty breathing. You’re lost in Alex her beautiful, hazel brown eyes while she slowly leans in. Giving a gentle, lingering kiss. You melt as you feel your lips touch, forgetting the pain of your injuries. Eyes closed, you bring your arms to her waist smoothly while you feel her tender hands touch your cheeks. As icy water drops keep falling from the sky, you feel the warmth of your bodies exchange and your muscles relaxing.

Never ever wanting this moment to end, Alex eventually pulls back still holding you. A soft smile appears on her face. You stare into her eyes again, completely speechless and lightly dazzled. You also smile, somewhat relieved now that you’ve finally faced and shown your long-lasting emotions towards Alex. But, of course, this is just the beginning. You try to speak, slightly stuttering:

“S-sorry… Sorry I left you”, while you tilt your head downwards, feeling the utter guilt of leaving Alex at that time.

“Shh… It’s okay”, she softly whispers, still holding you close. “Can’t change the past anymore. It doesn’t matter”, while she gently puts her forehead against yours.  You’re both standing there quietly for a couple of minutes. Embracing each other as if you’ve waited an eternity for this moment.

It’s currently pouring as you hesitantly mention, with soaking wet clothes: “Can we maybe, like, go somewhere else? I don’t want to go back inside the bar”. Worrying what the others might think about you.

“We can go to my place”, Alex comfortingly suggests, also soaked. “Come on, you can ride with me.”

You hop onto the bike, sitting closely behind Alex. You wrap your arms around her hips tightly. Breathing in this magical moment which not even the cold rain can ruin. You drive off into the city, together. You lean your head gently on Alex her back and think, feeling the happiest you’ve ever been, ”I’m still breathing…“

Continue with part 4

call now for a free gift! [part ii/iii]

Six years after Rey’s first Christmas with Ben and his family, unexpected gifts abound at the annual Organa-Solo-Skywalker(-Kenobi?) Christmas celebration.

Featuring: Organa-Solo-Skywalker shenanigans, a ton of major surprises, and fluff. Again with the fluff. It’s always the damn fluff.

Here we go again! Buckle up, friends, because it’s about to get fluffier than ever before. Leia and Rey have their annual Christmas breakfast, and Rey and Ben receive an unexpected gift from the twins.

Part I Also available on AO3.

“Where are you going?” Ben mumbles as Rey gets out of bed, barely awake enough to look up at her as she cards a hand through his hair.

“Christmas breakfast with your mother,” she reminds him, leaning in for a quick kiss before she drags herself out of bed and over to her bag in search of a sweater. “Don’t worry, you can keep sleeping.” It’s a longstanding tradition between the two women at this point, to enjoy a quiet Christmas morning while everyone else sleeps in. Sometimes Rey wonders just how her teenaged self would have reacted to the news that she would one day share a Christmas tradition with the Leia Organa, and it never fails to put a smile on her face.

Ben turns on his side to track her movements, and his lips are pursed in a distinctly pout-like manner – not that he’ll ever admit to it. “It’s our first morning as an engaged couple, and you’re leaving me in bed to go have breakfast with my mother?”

“Maybe you should’ve timed your proposal better,” Rey teases, voice muffled as she pulls a sweater over her thin camisole. “Besides,” she sits next to Ben, gives him a placating smile as her hand curves around his cheek, “we had a rather eventful first night as an engaged couple. That should tide you over for now.”

And with one final kiss – shorter than Ben would like, judging by the way he tries to reach for her and whines when she steps away –, Rey disappears into the bathroom down the hall to freshen up before breakfast with her future mother-in-law.

She walks into the kitchen to find Leia already comfortably settled at the breakfast table as always, two mugs of Irish coffee keeping her company as she waits for Rey.

“Merry Christmas,” Rey says as she reaches for the coffee out of habit. At the last minute she abruptly changes course and picks up some toast instead, but she knows there’s no way Leia didn’t catch that.

The other woman’s eyes twinkle. “Merry Christmas indeed,” she murmurs over the lip of her mug, and Rey busies herself with spreading butter and jam over two slices of toast while she gathers up the nerve to ask Leia a question that’s been on her mind since yesterday.

“Leia?” she finally calls, setting down her toast.

“Hmm?”

Rey smiles at the knowing look Leia gives her. “What made you propose to Han?”

“Oh,” Leia blinks, the slightest bit taken aback. “Well, there’s the short version: I saw him building a crib and my hormones got the best of me. And then there’s the truth: up until that exact moment, I wasn’t sure about anything. I never told anyone but god, I was so scared. I’d known Han for three years by then, but we’d spent the entirety of that time being outlaws, being rebels, always doing reckless and exciting stuff. It’s easy to form a connection, when you’re living a life like that, but I always knew in the back of my mind that it was a whirlwind of a thing, that it might not work in a real world setting.” There’s no hiding the sadness in her eyes at the prospect, even all these years later.

“And then things finally calmed down, and before we could even really get to know each other, suddenly I was pregnant. Han stuck around, I always knew he would, but I had no way of knowing if this was something he wanted or if he was just doing the right thing. My noble scoundrel, I’d call him in my head sometimes,” Leia shakes her head with a fond smile. “I knew he’d stay, knew he’d try his best, but… to see him there in the garage, first thing in the morning, building a crib for this baby he couldn’t have seen coming, this baby that had ostensibly ruined his whole lone wolf bachelor life… I knew then that we’d be okay. I didn’t know how we were going to make things work, exactly, but I knew that he loved the baby already and that was enough for me.”

“That’s all you need, really,” Leia tells her, that knowing look back in her eyes. “Just love them, and you can figure it out from there.” And then, before Rey can even think to act dumb, she asks, “So, how far along?”

Rey sighs, gives in with a tiny smile. “Five weeks.”

Leia hums, a small little thing in the back of her throat indicating consideration. Rey takes a bite of her toast as she watches the other woman get up and retrieve a bottle of orange juice from the fridge.

“I’ll take this,” Leia says as she trades Rey’s untouched Irish coffee for the orange juice and an empty glass. “So, does Ben know yet? Don’t worry - he asked for the ring ages ago, so I know it’s not a shotgun wedding.”

“No,” Rey whispers as she fiddles with said ring, wonders how something can feel so foreign yet so right. She’ll get used to it, she supposes; has all the time in the world to do so. “I haven’t told him. I just don’t know if we’re ready for this,” she admits quietly, letting all of her fear and doubt seep into her voice. This is Leia, after all – if there’s anyone who can help Rey through this (aside from Ben, who isn’t exactly an option right now), it’s her. “I mean, we’ve talked about it, of course, but it’s always been one of those someday things, you know? And now he’s just finished his PhD, and we’re both starting new jobs soon, and there’s still the move–”

“Rey,” Leia reaches across the table to still her shaking hand. It works almost as well as when Ben does the same thing to calm her down and keep her from spiraling. “There’s only one thing you need to consider right now. Do you want this?”

“I…” She lets her free hand drift down to her stomach, thinks of how every single vision of hers for their future had immediately started to change the second she’d found out, an automatic and instant instinct to accommodate this tiny new life. It’s only been four days, but Rey can’t imagine going back to any of those plans from before. So she tells Leia, confident and scared at the same time, “Yes. I do.”

Leia gives her a brilliant smile, squeezes her hand in reassurance. “Then you’ll be just fine, as long as you and Ben are there for each other.”

A sense of calm settles over her. Leia always makes things so simple, strips all of her worries and insecurities away until the bare truth remains: as long as they have each other, she and Ben will be fine. She can already picture it: the two of them as a team, taking on unexpected pregnancy challenges and the uncharted territory that is parenthood. She’ll worry about not being a good mom since she didn’t have one, and he’ll actively fear repeating his parents’ mistakes, but together they’ll guide each other and figure it out and–

The sense of comfort and peace lasts for all of five seconds before Rey remembers– “Oh god, I still haven’t told him.”

Leia pats her hand, gives Rey a gentle smile before she picks up her coffee. “You should probably do that.”

Christmas lunch is a quiet affair this year, just the five of them since all of the usual suspects are otherwise occupied.

“So,” Han says after a few minutes of comfortable silence, a novelty at this table, “what’s this new job about, kid?”

By the time Rey looks up, he’s already focused on his food, and so there’s no telling which of them the question had been addressed to. She and Ben share a look before he asks, “Which one?”

Han stares at them, a forkful of roast hovering just beyond his mouth. He looks almost confused for a moment, as if he himself hadn’t thought that through. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s blurted out the first thing to come to mind just because Leia gave him a gentle nudge to say something. “Both of them, I guess.”

“I’ve got a job teaching poli-sci and maybe another related class or two,” Ben shrugs between bites. “That’s about it, really. But Rey’s new job–”

“Hey,” Rey turns to him, “don’t downplay it. You’ve been offered tenure at the University of Theed pretty much right out of the gate, with only a few years of teaching experience in Coruscant. That’s amazing,” she tells the rest of the table.

“It is very impressive, Ben,” Luke chimes in supportively. “To be tenured in this day and age, especially with less than five years of experience – you’ve done well, Dr. Solo.”

“We’re very proud of you,” Leia tells her son, and to everyone’s surprise–

“Yeah, what she said, kid,” Han adds, with no trace of sarcasm and no sign of Leia having given him a slight kick under the table to say so.

He’s even smiling, and Rey’s heart warms to see Ben slowly smiling back at his father. “Thanks,” he tells the table, but looks directly at Han.

“Yeah, yeah,” his father says after a while, not quite able to hide his smile behind his usual gruff demeanor. “What about you, kid?” he asks Rey.

“It’s, um, it’s pretty exciting, actually,” Rey says hesitantly, weighs how much detail she can get into without boring everyone else. Luke, she knows, is always happy to talk shop – though a physicist by profession, he’s proven more than capable of keeping up with her aeronautical engineering tangents –, but she decides to just give everyone the highlights. “The government of Naboo and the University of Theed are setting up a new lab to look into more fuel-efficient crafts, and they somehow found out about me and decided to bring me in. It’s going to be a lot of actual engineering and research, which will be fun after two years of mostly technical trouble-shooting and paperwork.”

Luke looks just as proud of her as he was of Ben, and Leia and Han beam at her even if they don’t quite get the magnitude of what this offer means for her career. But Ben – “They didn’t just somehow find out about you,” he shakes his head at Rey with a patient smile, turns to his family with bright eyes. “Rey wrote this amazing thesis for her master’s about alternative fuel options she experimented with back in Jakku. It’s become sort of infamous in the right circles, and Theed has been keeping track of her ever since. She was one of the first people they contacted about the new lab, and they’re making her part of an elite team of eight engineers heading up the whole thing.”

She almost wants to contradict Ben and tell everyone it’s not as impressive as he makes it out to be, but then he turns to smile at her, all proud and supportive, and god, Rey loves this man. So she decides to just smile back at him and duck her head for a bit until her cheeks don’t feel that warm anymore.

“Sounds about right,” Han shrugs after a moment. “Always knew you two were pretty damn impressive.”

Luke seconds that, and Leia proposes a toast to the two of them and new beginnings. If Han or Luke notice that Rey doesn’t actually drink from her glass – the way she didn’t drink from any of her glasses at the party last night, simply handing them over to Ben whenever he needed a refill –, they’re tactful enough not to hint at anything that hasn’t been announced.

Rey eyes Ben as he sets down his half-empty glass and instantly gets roped into a conversation with Han about recent upgrades on the Falcon. After a while his hand reaches out for hers, but he doesn’t look her way, doesn’t catch her switching their glasses.

Still. Rey knows she can only keep this from him for so long.

After lunch she and Ben help Luke with the dishes while Han and Leia take a walk, and it takes them a little longer than usual to get everything washed and dried because they’re too caught up in reminiscing about life in Coruscant U.

“So when are you moving?” Luke asks almost reluctantly, having expressed for the tenth time how weird it’ll be not to run into either of them around campus anymore.

“End of January, most likely,” Ben says as he returns dried dishes to their rightful places. “They’re bringing me in after midterms as a mid-semester replacement, and Rey’s job doesn’t start till March. Figure that’ll give us enough time to get properly unpacked and moved in before work starts.”

Luke nods along to his nephew’s explanation. “Have you found a place yet?”

Rey sighs. “Not yet. Everything is either too far, too expensive, or too small. And we don’t want to sign a lease on a place we’re not happy with.”

“Housing in Theed is a fucking nightmare,” Ben grumbles to his uncle. “I know it’s been a while and it’s a major city, but I don’t remember it being anywhere near this awful back when we used to go there for the summer.”

“Well, things change,” Luke shrugs, and Rey thinks she catches the slightest hint of a grin before he turns back to the dishes with a forced and telling casualness. “But I wouldn’t be too worried if I were you two. I think Leia has an idea.”

Ben squints at his uncle’s back, and turns to Rey with a suspicious look. She simply nods in agreement and goes back to drying the dishes.

It isn’t until much later, towards the end of the night, that they find out just what Luke had been hinting at.

“So,” Leia announces once they’re all food-sleepy and eggnog-drowsy, “Luke and I have a surprise for you two.”

Luke’s entire face lights up as he claps his hands together gleefully. “Finally! I’ve been waiting all day for this.”

“Don’t ruin it,” his sister shoots him an admonishing look before she gets up and walks over to the Christmas tree in the corner, all twinkling lights and tasteful ornaments and not a single present under the tree, as per Organa-Skywalker-Solo tradition.

Rey and Ben watch Leia retrieve one single gift from the tree, nestled amongst its lower branches rather than placed under it. It’s a small box, all glossy red paper and classy silver ribbon, and upon spotting it last night Rey had mistaken it for a slightly-oversized ornament.

Now Leia holds the gift out to them, and Ben slowly reaches out to take it. “I thought this was a gift-free household,” he reminds his mother.

“Open it,” Leia simply tells him, returning to her seat between Han and Luke, both of whom appear to be leaning forward in anticipation.

Ben nudges her with his shoulder and holds the box out on one palm, and Rey carefully slips off the ribbon before she lifts the lid off the box and fishes out a set of keys.

It takes her a while to recognize them – Ben always uses his own set when they visit – but as soon as her eyes land upon the familiar address carved into the small wooden keychain, recognition dawns upon her. Ben too, if his tiny gasp is any indication.

“Mom, this is…”

Rey looks up at the twins. “You’re giving us…?”

Leia nods, a huge smile on her face. “Varykino, yes. I know it’s all the way out in Lake Country but honestly, given the traffic in Theed, this will make for a much more pleasant commute. The road from Lake Country into Theed leads right to the university, since it’s on the edge of the city anyway. And from there Rey should be able to easily take the train or a shuttle to work. So really, it’s not even that much of a drive.”

“You can either sit in Theed traffic for an hour,” Luke adds, looking horrified just by the idea of it, “or you can start your days with a scenic, traffic-free forty-minute drive.”

Rey and Ben turn to look at each other. It’s a wonderful idea, and they love Varykino, but…

“We can’t possibly accept this,” Rey tells the twins.

“It’s too much,” Ben agrees. “This is a whole house. This is your mother’s house. You can’t just–”

“Ben,” Leia interrupts him with a patient tone. “It was always going to be yours, anyway. And when you two got together, Luke and I agreed that it would be your wedding present. Now you’re engaged – so close enough, we figure – and you’re in need of a house in Naboo. So here you are.”

“Merry Christmas, happy wedding, and just don’t ever expect another gift from us for the rest of your lives,” Luke says with a grin.

They hesitate for a moment more, until Han decides to pipe up. “Just take it, kids. No one ever offered me a fancy house when I got engaged, but there’s no way I would’ve turned that down.”

So they accept the house, with a million thanks and tight hugs.

A little while later, as they’re all saying their good-nights and heading to bed, Leia suggests, “You two should take off for a while, spend the rest of your week in Varykino.”

“But we just got here–” Rey protests weakly.

Leia smirks at them. “Just go. I was young and newly engaged once too, you know. You need some privacy.”

From upstairs, Han calls down, “And we need some space from your celebrating!”

“Please,” Luke decides to chime in from the top of the stairs. “Please spare us from your celebrating.”

“Bunch of prudes,” Leia rolls her eyes at the men. “Just… stay for lunch, okay?” she tells Ben and Rey. “And after that you can go have a pre-honeymoon honeymoon or whatever it is you want to call it.”

Ben reaches out to pull his mom into a hug. “Thanks, Mom. For this, and the house, and just… everything.”

Leia leans into her son with a smile. “You’re welcome. Now, off to bed. You two have a long drive ahead of you tomorrow.”

They trade their good-nights, thank Leia one last time, and head upstairs. In bed, while Ben traces squiggly lines up and down her arm, he muses out loud, “We could have the wedding in Varykino.”

Rey, half-asleep already, lifts her head from its perch on Ben’s chest. “Hmm?”

“The wedding. Our wedding,” Ben smiles. “We could have it in Varykino, if you’d like. I know you don’t want anything big and flashy, but this should give us enough room to invite all of our closest friends and even house some of them overnight if we have to, and it’s got a great view, you love the lake–”

“Okay,” Rey yawns, presses a kiss to the hollow of his neck before she allows her eyes to close. “That sounds perfect. Let’s get married in Varykino.”

Distantly she hears Ben chuckle, feels his chest rise and fall as he stops caressing her arm and drops his hand to curl around her waist. “We’ll talk about it again when you’re not dozing off. Good night, sweetheart.”

“Good night, Ben,” she mumbles, and allows herself to drift off in his arms.

So the plan was to keep each chapter at about two-thousand words.

This is a little over three-thousand. Whoops, I did it again. There were bits and pieces in this chapter that I really debated taking out, but at the end of the day I want you guys to know what's going on with their lives, every tiny detail. Because that's the only satisfying goodbye I can give these two, I think - one where we know where they're headed and how their lives will play out. (And yes, this fic is really just one long goodbye to this 'verse. It's like a three-chapter epilogue, basically.)

Tune in tomorrow for the last chapter! Will Rey finally tell Ben her secret? Will they christen every surface of Varykino?? What if they - GASP - decide to elope right there and then??? (Spoiler alert: they don't.)

Anyway, see you then. As always, thanks for reading and feel free to like/reblog/comment/etc.!

Waverly’s See It To Be It Moment

I may be turning into a bit of a one trick pony here but, yep, I’m writing about Waverly again. On the other hand, her kiss with Rosita is only incidental to what I’m thinking about so hopefully I’m not just rehashing what others have already said.

There was so much that happened in episode nine. Initially, I had a hard time settling on where to focus. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find the thing that brought me into those weeds I’m so fond of (yes, I’m aware of how that sounds and I’m going with it anyway). But after chatting with other Earpers about the episode and rewatching it, I realized I kept coming back to Waverly’s state of mind. I think there are many valid interpretations of what was going on with Waverly’s in this episode, and I think there’s truth in most. A pretty compelling argument can be made that she was feeling betrayed and blindsided by someone she trusted, or that people are always hardest on the ones they love the most. I certainly believe that confirming she isn’t genetically an Earp threw her and was a big part the choices she made in 209. I think all of it played a part. But, as I thought about it I decided there was yet another thing weighing on Waverly throughout the episode. Waverly isn’t just coming to terms with not being an Earp, she is processing the belief that she might be part revenant (full disclosure, I have yet to be convinced this is true) which I think is particularly terrifying for Waverly. In a theme that compliments Wynonna’s season long struggle with fate vs. choice, she is struggling with ideas of nature vs. nurture that play into all the feelings of inadequacy she had growing up thanks to Ward and Willa (I mean, fuck Willa).

Let’s step back and think about Waverly’s history and what she’s known her whole life. Until her conversations with Bobo at the end of season one, Waverly defined herself as an Earp first and for most. She was the most categorical in her views of the curse and the most excited to take it on. While she seemed to know she had a special relationship with Bobo specifically, there was very little gray for her about whether revenants were good or bad. She spent her whole life listening to what the curse meant and being told that her family were the heroes and revenants were monsters they were meant to hunt (some day I’m going to have a lot to say about Wyatt Earp the “hero”, but that’s likely a conversation for Season 3). Unlike Wynonna, Waverly didn’t have any personal experiences with revenants that would complicate to her view of them beyond Bobo, who she still assessed as a pretty bad dude. She could show mercy or pity them because she’s a kind person, she could be indifferent to the ones that were less dangerous because they weren’t worth her time, but whether they were inherently good or evil was never really a question Waverly grappled with in a serious way. It was something she just took for granted. Remember it was Waverly who thought the obvious thing to do was kill Jonas in episode 7, even before she saw just how awful he was.

Then add to the mix that her mom seemingly abandoned her and her dad and one of her older sisters treated her like an unwelcomed intrusion. To quote Nicole from season one she “spent whole life tailoring who she is to the people she’s with” perhaps looking to earn the approval she never got from her father, and never would after he died. A whole life of trying to be what others wanted and expected her to be, which was often the ray of light and positivity that earned her the title nicest person in Purgatory (I have thoughts on Waverly’s niceness too, for another day). Then she not only finds out she isn’t an Earp, she comes to believe she may actually be part revenant? How does one even process that at all, let alone process it in a healthy way? Her identity was not only taken from her but replaced with a belief that played to all her feelings of being unworthy and proved Willa and Ward right (of course they weren’t, and seriously, fuck Willa. And Ward). If revenants were monsters, and by nature evil, what does that make her? Didn’t Bobo and Goonnoa tell her she had unexplored darkness? Worse than that, if revenants are the “sworn enemies” of the person she loves most, Wynonna, what does that mean for their relationship? Wynonna has repeatedly expressed how amazing she thinks Waverly is, if she’s a revenant will Wynonna see her differently? All of these questions would have been swirling in her head with the anger she felt towards Nicole and everyone who lied to her about being an Earp.

So what does all this have to do with the choices she made in episode 9? Well, my interpretation of Waverly is that she is not as good at dealing with her own negative feelings as she is talking to others about theirs. In other words, Waverly is incredibly empathetic and compassionate to others but is more inconsistent when it comes to doing that for herself. Feeling angry is a lot less scary than the more complicated feelings she must be having about maybe being part revenant on top of not being an Earp. I think Waverly is wrapping all of those feelings into her anger at Nicole and holding on to it tightly, just like Nicole held tight at her identity as a protector when she felt insecure (you can read all about that in what I wrote last week about Nicole & WayHaught).

There is something that Brené Brown says about our instinct to blame that feels relevant here. Brown says that when something bad happens the first thing we look for is who’s at fault, even if we decide it’s our own fault. She says it gives us a sense of control, and of course, right now things feel very out of control for Waverly. Brown goes on to say that blaming people for things that go wrong is the discharging of pain and discomfort, citing research that says it actually has an inverse relationship to accountability. So when people focus on who’s fault it is and who they should be angry at, they aren’t actually doing anything to address the hurt that person caused. We use blame like a shield that allows us to distance ourselves from more difficult conversations and more vulnerable feelings. For Waverly, a conversation like that with Nicole would have been difficult enough. There is no discounting that what Nicole did hurt her and crossed a line. That alone means addressing some really uncomfortable truths. But in her case, the conversation would also lead to a discussion of what they learned from the DNA test, what she believes to be true, how that makes her feel, as well as risking Nicole seeing her the way she’s seeing herself right now. All of which sounds pretty brutal and scary particularly with a person who, at the moment, she is less inclined to trust.

Instead what we see her doing in the first part of episode nine is going out of her way to be, essentially, cruel to Nicole by taking shots at her in front of Dolls and Jeremy. There’s no reason for her to do that. Under normal circumstances her reaction, while understandable, seem almost out of character. People have done things that hurt Waverly before, and I’ll acknowledge it’s different because it’s Nicole, but this feels like a more pointed anger than we’ve ever seen in Waverly. We’ve seen Waverly turn inward when she’s hurt and on occasion express her anger, but we’ve never seen her be intentionally nasty (not that I can remember anyway). Later she shuts down a chance to have that needed conversation with Nicole when they’re at the police station after Beth leaves. This particular interaction might be more because Nicole used the phrase “trust me” when that is exactly the thing Nicole broke in the last episode, but whatever the cause, at this point Waverly is continuing to wear that anger like a badge of honor and is not ready to let Nicole make amends. @beep33TV points out, there is no "in character" when your whole world has been turned upside down. And that’s really the point. This is about more than being upset with Nicole, it's about everything she thought she knew being upended and made uglier than she could have imagined. It’s about feeling like there is something wrong with her and, to paraphrase Brené Brown again (I mean if I’m going to be a one trick pony I might as well own it), letting her shame gremlins, the things that whisper in your ear that you aren't worthy, cloud her judgement.

But it’s not just in her interactions with Nicole that indicate there’s more going on with Waverly than anger. This episode was also the most we’ve seen Waverly respond to positive feed back since probably season one. First with widowed (although not technically widowed) Beth of all people. Lady in black Beth portends kindness to Waverly and tells her how exceptional and lovely she is and Waverly responds with the same smile she gave Doc back in season one when he told her how impressive her research on the curse was. Then she does it again when Rosita tells her she has backbone in the hot tub. Right before she defiantly sends that epic train wreck of a text to Nicole. Waverly seems to be regressing in this episode, looking for other people to validate her just like she did before finding her voice in season one. Frankly, before she started a relationship with Nicole and reconnected with Wynonna, the two people she feels least able to trust with her insecurities right now.

Enter Rosita, who ends up offering Waverly some perspective that no one else could and helps pull her out of her spiral of self-doubt. I think she does this in three ways. Three ways that had to occur in the order they did to be effective. First, Rosita is more or less a neutral third party. Before they go to the spa together, Rosita is someone Waverly likes but has no serious emotional investment in. Rosita also has no expectations for Waverly to live up to. That immediately relieves some of the pressure Waverly must be feeling and makes her less protective of herself and thus more open to what Rosita has to say.

More specifically to Rosita, the second important thing she offers is her speech about champagne and perfection. I know that in the moment Rosita was referring to Waverly’s relationship with Nicole, but at least in part, Waverly seemed to internalize some of that to be about her. Waverly has always been a people pleaser and as a result, I think put a tremendous amount of pressure on herself to be a perfect. Now she’s a perfectionist who thinks she has proof she is an imposter and somehow inherently defective because of where she might have come from. It’s important for her to hear, that perfection shouldn’t be the goal and that imperfection is what creates the magic in life. The look on Waverly’s face hearing that seemed to me to be one of relief. She takes that breath right before deciding to kiss Rosita, and it felt like at least in that moment she let go and allowed herself the compassion she often only gives to others. It makes a lot more sense that she would respond to Rosita by kissing her if she heard “YOU are amazing because you’re imperfect” and not “your RELATIONSHIP is amazing because it’s imperfect.” The other important part of all of their interactions before the reveal that Rosita is a revenant is that Rosita gained Waverly’s trust and good will. Before Waverly has time to judge Rosita as a revenant she has established herself as a good person and allowed Waverly to see her kindness, courage, and humanity.

And then comes the big one, Rosita reveals herself to be a revenant and Waverly is given a chance to see that revenant doesn’t mean inherently evil. She is allowed to see herself in Rosita which opens her up to new possibilities for what all this might mean for her. To borrow a phrase about representation, "you have to see it to be it". Waverly up until that point wasn’t really capable of accepting that being part revenant didn’t change who she was or dictate who she could be because she had no concept of it. Despite being a revenant, Rosita seems to remain the person she was as a human (as far as we know) and didn’t “lose her soul.” If Rosita, a full revenant, wasn’t defined by that, then why would Waverly be. It’s clear that as weird as Waverly thought it all was, she isn’t upset about it. There was no distrust or anger that Rosita has been a revenant this whole time, hiding in plain sight. Not even a moment of hesitation in accepting that Rosita was still her friend. You can see the almost delight in her eyes when she stares at Rosita at Shorty’s. Waverly’s whole demeanor is different after the reveal. Some of her natural lightness and looseness is back when she talks to Rosita in the bar because a little of her burden has been lifted. And even though it started after she sent that awful text, it’s really at Shorty’s that we see Waverly begin to think more clearly about Nicole and open up to the idea doing what needs to be done to repair their relationship.

It’s doubtful that this one afternoon is enough to undo years of learned behavior or magically make her forget all the things she grew up knowing as unquestioned truths. It’s also clear from the promo that Waverly isn’t going to have much time to dwell on her feelings about being a revenant in episode 10. But I think this was the opening Waverly needed. This is the moment, the turning point, that moves her perspective just enough to stop from spinning out into that cycle of blame and anger. Rosita saved Waverly from Tucker, but perhaps she also saved her from the ghosts of Willa and Ward (did I mention, fuck Willa, and fuck Ward) and from her own gremlins. I mean least until it’s actually revealed she’s not a revenant and this whole conversation becomes moot.

Brene Brown on Blame: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8

Listening to Shame: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

Postpartum Body Image: Primal Perspective http://bit.ly/2VriNox

Today’s post was inspired by a question that came in from a reader who is struggling with depression and body image issues after having children. I asked my colleague Dr. Lindsay Taylor, being a psychologist and a mother herself, to step in.

Having witnessed all the wondrous changes that women’s bodies go through during and after pregnancy with my wife Carrie, I’d like to add my support and encouragement to my readers who struggle with these issues.

This post is for all the mamas and mamas-to-be who are struggling with the ways in which their bodies have changed, grown, stretched, and been marked by pregnancy. For you mothers who have suffered a loss, I see you, and you are included here.

It’s really a shame, but not a surprise, that so many women are plagued by negative body image around pregnancy. A strong predictor of negative body image during and after pregnancy is negative body image before pregnancy. Body image is, of course, something so many people struggle with every day, women in particular. Volumes have been written about the ways in which our cultural standards of attractiveness, media and social media, and social factors conspire to make us feel unattractive, unworthy, and dissatisfied with our bodies. That doesn’t need to be rehashed here.

Then when you’re pregnant, you and everyone around you is hyper-focused on your body. Are you gaining the “right” amount of weight? Eating the right things? Moving in the right way? Strangers are commenting on your size and shape, and probably touching you too. (PSA: Don’t do this.)

Some women love this time and revel in the changes their bodies undergo. Other women feel completely alienated from and even disgusted by their bodies. Probably many women feel different and conflicting emotions at different times. No matter what your experience has been, let me assure you that it’s normal. The whole gamut of experiences is normal and valid.

If you feel confused, conflicted, sad, disappointed, or discouraged about the ways your body has changed because of pregnancy, it’s OK. Your body is different, your relationship to it is different. There is no right or wrong here. My goal for today is to help if you do feel distressed by persistent feelings of negative body image and self-worth after pregnancy. It needs to be addressed. Poor body image correlates with symptoms of postpartum depression (it’s not clear that one necessarily causes the other, but some data suggest that poor body image predicts later depression). This can interfere with your relationships with others, including your partner and, very importantly, your baby.

Sometimes when we talk about this, the first reaction is, “Great, I already feel like &%$! about myself, and now I feel worse because my feelings are going to mess up everything.” That’s not it. Most of all, you simply deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to have peace with your body. You don’t need to waste your precious mental energy on tearing yourself down. For many women, their postpartum body image issues are extensions of lifelong feelings of insecurity. Let’s interrupt the cycle now.

Accepting Your Postpartum Body

Most people who want to change how they feel about their bodies take the approach of trying to change their bodies. This rarely works. Postpartum bodies (and bodies in general) often don’t respond how we want, and anyway many of us have constructed ideal body images in our minds that aren’t realistic.

If you want to change how you feel about your body, you should be working on how you feel about your body. There is a lot of well-meaning messaging in the meme-o-sphere about how you should love your body, but I prefer to start with appreciating your body and practicing self-compassion and self-care. If you’re ready to jump right to self-love, by all means go for it! However, this can feel daunting for some women who are stuck in a cycle of self-deprecation and even self-loathing.

The first step in all this is acceptance: accepting the fact that you probably can’t control the size and shape of your body right now, not like diet culture tells you that you can. Yes, there are some women who “bounce back” and flash their postpartum abs in magazines and on Instagram, but they aren’t the norm. Your body is in recovery. If you’re nursing, it’s focused on continuing to keep another human alive. You probably aren’t sleeping, and you might be finding the transition more stressful than you anticipated. Even months or longer down the road, these can still apply. This is hardly the ideal scenario for controlled weight loss.

Moreover, the truth is that your body probably won’t look the same ever again. Even if you go back to wearing your pre-pregnancy clothes, your shape will likely be different. You’ll probably be sporting some new stretch marks. The idea that you can and should “get your body back” is unrealistic and unfair for most women. (Health is something different here.) Your body has done something new and fabulous. It’s not the same body it was.

It’s O.K. to feel sad about that at first. It’s O.K. to mourn the loss of your pre-baby body even while you also appreciate and respect the hell out of your body for growing another human. Denying those feelings or, worse, feeling guilty for them and spiraling into self-criticism and shame doesn’t help. Be open and honest with yourself, and talk to other people who will listen non-judgmentally.

I can’t stress enough that you should ask for help if you need it. If your partner or your friends can’t give you the support you need, or you just feel like you need an impartial ear, find a therapist who specializes in body acceptance and postpartum issues (including depression, even if you don’t think you are depressed, since they are so often linked).

I hear some of you saying, “There is just no way I could ever get to a place where I accept, let alone like, this body.” If you’re feeling too mired down in self-negativity to believe that this is for you, consider this: Self-acceptance allows you to care for yourself and the other people in your life. Imagine if you could model a healthy, happy self-image for your baby as he or she grows. Which of your friends would benefit from someone who speaks in body-positive language and who models self-compassion? How would your partner respond if you could believe that you are sexy and deserving of physical affection?

You don’t owe it to other people to work on yourself if you’re not ready, but sometimes a little outside motivation is what gets the gears turning when the inner motivation is hidden under layers of fear, shame, or self-doubt.

Steps You Can Take

Have I mentioned that I strongly advise anyone who is struggling with mental health and well-being to seek professional help? Good, and I’m saying it again for the record. Therapy rocks.

Self-appreciation, self-compassion, and self-care are things we all deserve and we can actively cultivate. I recommend checking out the book Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, Ph.D., as a starting point.

Quit Negative Self-talk: As I’m sure you know, we are usually our own worst critics. We say hateful, belittling things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else. If you want to deal with negative body image, this has to stop.

When you find your inner voice saying something self-critical, interrupt it and replace the disparaging comment with one that expresses kindness and compassion. Mantras and affirmations can be helpful here. (If you think they’re cheesy, humor me and give it a try.) The trick is to find one that feels authentic to you. One that I like, which I found here, is: I will accept that my body may never be exactly the same as it was before I had the baby, just as my heart will never be the same. Some others you might try are: I deserve to treat myself with kindness and respect, I am learning to be gentle with myself, or My body is beautiful and deserves all the love I can give it. It’s O.K. if you don’t quite believe it yet; still say it whenever a negative thought intrudes.

You can also actively redirect your attention from how your body looks to how it feels. Maybe you actually enjoy the feeling of softness is new places. Maybe pregnancy and childbirth made you feel powerful. When a negative thought appears, crowd it out with Hell yes, this body is strong and capable and awesome.

Again, if this feels forced at the beginning, that’s all right! Body positivity and self-acceptance take work. Many things feel awkward when they’re new, but over time they become second nature.

Negative Body Talk with Others: As a veteran member of multiple moms’ groups, I know that when a group of moms gets together, more often than not we end up kvetching about our bodies. I think social support from other moms is hugely important, but if I could go back in time to when my kids were babies, I’d really try to shut down the self-deprecating body talk.

If you have friends who do this, speak up! Honestly, this is a gift to the other women as well. Complaining about our mom bods is such a common form of bonding, sometimes we need permission to break the cycle. Try, “I’ve noticed we spend a lot of time criticizing ourselves, but I think we are all strong and beautiful rockstar moms. I’ve started a personal project to try to stop negative self-talk and replace it with compliments. What if we tried that here?”

And by all means, if there are other people in your life—family, your partner, co-workers—who try to engage you in body or diet/exercise talk that perpetuates your bad feelings, shut it down. Boundaries are fantastic; draw them often.  

Of course, I’m not suggesting you suppress your emotions. Find a friend or counselor you can talk to about your feelings, one who won’t respond with, “Ugh, I know! My belly button looks like a Shar Pei too, I hate it. That’s why I started this new diet, have you heard of it?” Processing and dealing with your feelings is one thing. Using language that keeps you stuck in a cycle of body hatred is something else altogether. You can tell the difference.

Curate Your Social Media: Think about the images you see on your social media. Are they mostly #fitspo accounts that depict a narrow range of what it means to be “healthy” and “fit?” If so, consider seeking out the many people who are spreading the word that bodies of different sizes and shapes can be strong, healthy, and attractive. Find other women who are at your stage of motherhood and who are also promoting positive self-image.

Move Your Body: Your body is so much more than what it looks like! Move for the joy of movement and to connect with your body on a physical level. Exercise to feel strong and powerful, not to try to force your body to “lose the baby weight.” Movement should be self-care, not punishment.

Wear Clothes That Fit: Dress up your body in clothes that fit rather than hiding in too-big clothes or squeezing into uncomfortably small clothes.

Step Off the Scale: I know this is a hard one for a lot of people, but if your daily mood depends on the number on the scale each morning, this is bad for your well-being. You don’t need to be aware of the daily fluctuations in order to take care of yourself.

Other Forms of Self-care: The sky’s the limit here! Let someone watch the baby while you take a nap or go for a coffee date with your partner. Get a pedicure. Ignore the laundry and watch a TV show. Taking care of your emotional well-being and feeling more positive overall can help you avoid the negative self-talk trap.

How You Can Help Support a Mom

If there’s a mom in your life whom you want to support, a good way to start is by not commenting on her body, period. (This is a good policy in general.) “You’ve lost weight!” is generally considered a compliment, but sometimes people lose weight because they’re ill or depressed. Plus, it draws attention to her body and reinforces the notion that she must be hoping and trying to lose weight. Better ways to engage her in conversation: Ask how she is feeling, and express excitement about the baby. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Offer to bring her coffee or a meal, go for a walk together, or watch the baby so she can shower or run to the store.

Resources for Finding Help and Support

If you feel like you could use help or support in this area, please don’t be afraid to ask. Below are some resources that cater to postpartum women specifically. There are also some great individuals and organizations that promote body positivity and self-care more generally.

Postpartum Health Alliance

Postpartum Support International

Pacific Postpartum Society

After the Baby is Born: A Postpartum Series — A collection of photos and commentary from new moms as part of The Honest Body Project.

“It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now… with its aches and it pleasures… is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” – Pema Chödrön

“Treat yourself as if you already are enough. Walk as if you are enough. Eat as if you are enough. See, look, listen as if you are enough. Because it’s true.” – Geneen Roth

Thanks for stopping in today, everybody. Comments, questions, experiences to share? Include them on the comment board below, and have a great end to the week. Take care.

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A Suicidal Rant.

♪ Currently listening to: Playlist: Café montréalais by Spotify ♪ 📚 Currently reading: A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki 📚 

Writing about suicide has never come easy for me.  

Or maybe it has, since every time I sit myself down to write about something, that’s the first thing that comes to mind.  Perhaps I’m fascinated with death and the idea of the paradoxical “life-after-death” belief so many people possess.  But, who hasn’t thought about death once in their lifetime?  I’m no exception.

I’ve been really thinking about this topic, whether to post it up on this blog (dalhousiediaries) or whether to start up a new blog entirely, a new personal blog to post content with topics like this, whenever I feel the urge to write about something philosophical or I guess, whenever I feel the powerful urge to write the deep thoughts that linger in my mind.  The unspeakable content that rests only in the deepest and untampered portions of my brain.

Personally speaking, as a child I never really thought about the afterlife, or what would happen to me after death.  It seemed so laid out to me, almost mechanical.  People would mourn, a funeral would be held, a celebration of life that has passed, and then I guess, people would get over the fact that I was no longer breathing on this planet, in this world, living in this time. However, as I grew older, that changed.  Not the actual process aforementioned, but the sociological and the emotional process of “getting over someone”.  I say this because I’ve felt this firsthand.  

Living in Halifax, being separated from my family and friends back home was basically like dying socially.  I was no longer present to take part in hangouts, physically be there to make new memories and the only way people could interact with me was through the Internet.  You’d think a lot of people would contact me and at least, try to keep in touch, but when everyone’s busy getting their own life together and amid their own worries, I don’t particularly blame anyone for growing distant.   It’s just interesting, in the beginning of the semester, so many people missed me, talked to me, and even cried about my departure – just like a real death had occurred.  It really made me think “is this what would happen if I died?”.  Of course, time stops for no one, and as the months went on, perchance my friends had realized I would be back soon enough or had gotten swamped by the amount of work they had to do in their respective programs, I had stopped receiving such messages and contact from friends back in BC.

I’m not upset about that at all.  Despite what it seems like.  It’s just interesting from my point of view, almost like a simulation of life on earth after my death – only on a much, much, smaller scale.

Why am I writing about this? Did something happen to make me contemplate my own death? Am I suicidal? No, I am not.

I’m currently reading a novel called A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki (a tantalizing read, might I add).  The novel talks quite a lot about one’s inevitable demise, whether it be intentionally sparked or a natural one.  The setting is partially set in Japan around the 1940s(?), and the other half set in modern-day Whaletown, BC, a very real place on the Cortes Island.  The novelist, Ruth Ozeki, encounters a Hello Kitty lunchbox that acts as a safe keep for the diary of a Japanese girl, Naoko Yasutani, who narrates her daily life through purple gel pen ink and a DIY diary.

The perspective switch between Ruth and Naoko is not only well done, but gives a different insight and contrast between the two characters, and their very different lives, despite the same ethnic heritage.  The reader follows Ruth as she reads the log of Naoko, following her life page by page, discovering information at the same time as the audience.  It’s as if Naoko’s reaching out from the right side, while Ruth and the audience are reaching towards Naoko from the left – hoping to collide in the middle.

Okay so, why did this book spark my interest in death and suicide again?

It’s a topic that Naoko toys with a lot in the novel, or I guess, in her diary.  She writes about her and her family’s experience moving from Japan to Silicon Valley in the States due to her father being a computer science programmer or some sort like that, settling down in Sunnyvale, California, where she spent the majority of her life there.  Her family dynamic is drastically flipped on its head when her father gets laid off, and Nao (as she’s commonly referred to) and her family emigrate back to Japan.

Nao gets bullied relentlessly by her classmates. Her mother spends all her days watching the jellyfish in the aquarium before getting an office job. Her father becomes a hikikomori (ひきこもり), spending his days in the park, feeding the crows.  Feigning work in the early days of returning to the Land of the Rising Sun.

Nao’s father, Haruki as his name is revealed, decides to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, the Chuo Rapid Express, which apparently; is one of the more popular methods of self-execution according to a self account Ruth finds whilst searching for the history and the current whereabouts of the Yasutani’s.

I had understood why Haruki Yasutani would want to commit suicide, his shame from lying to his family about finding a new job, the fact that he had fallen from such a successful position and left with nothing, the stripping of all pride and dignity spending his days feeding the crows at the nearby park, feeling sorry for his wife and daughter especially for not being able to support them.  I guess you could say, he was spiraling into a deep depression.

I, unfortunately, could tie this with the current situation with my father.

I now realize why this topic has been on my mind for so long, why this situation with Nao and her father captivated my interest and cultivated my thoughts to yield this fruit of epiphany.  I suppose I can conclude that I’m writing this, and have been writing about this topic for months because it’s a very real situation that I simply cannot ignore anymore.  Am I venting? Yeah, I think I can say that I am.

Though I’m frustrated, I know someone who’s even more frustrated with themselves – my father.

He’s not dead, readers.

But there’s something that tugs at my heartstrings and some evil spirit that puts in unfavourable thoughts in my daily life.  What if he had died?

It’s natural to see your parents or guardians suffer, to struggle through with the adulty-responsibilities we all have to one day face.  Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with suffering a little bit, to have a bit of hardship in your life to harden yourself into a better person.  The more experience one accumulates over their lifetime, more often than naught, they are more valued, wiser, knowledgeable and so on.  I don’t doubt that at all.

I strongly believe in strength acquired by difficult situations and times.  After all, I have had my fair share of disturbing moments in life, times that have disrupted my, at the time, established rhythmic pattern that made up my daily (mundane) life.  It’s like an iron sword in the making.  The more you forge and burn it in fire, the more strengthened it becomes, or it could take on a different shape entirely and the blacksmith may decide in last minute haste, to produce a sickle or a dagger instead.  Of course I’m no ironworker or familiar with blacksmithing, but there’s my poor attempt at creating a relatable metaphor.

I can confidently say that my parents have seen their fair share of difficult times, for Heaven’s sake, they immigrated to a foreign land with no family other than themselves and me, little to no money and what connections do you think a middle aged Korean couple would have overseas in the land of the maple leaf, hockey, and apparently endless winters, the land Koreans called Kenada (캐나다) rather than the rounder sound that native English speakers called, Canada? I’ll tell you that they had no connections.

I’ve always appreciated the work my parents have put in their life here in Canada.  I’ve always admired the strength they’ve showed over the past 18-19 years, or maybe it was feigned strength in hopes that their only daughter doesn’t catch on to their fears and sense the very real struggles and hardship that living as immigrants unfortunately brings to the table.

Recently, and mayhap this is just me putting up my father’s dirty laundry for all to see, but my father has been acting drastically different – even he’s saying he’s “no longer the same dad as [he] was in the past”, which of course I’ve noticed the change as the years flew by – living with the man for 18-19 years, one would hope I noticed the changes.  He’s a man that would do anything for me, well not anymore I guess but back in the earlier days, I suppose.

The whole reason why we have Sien (my dog) now is because I’ve pestered him for years to get a dog, to which he promised we would when our family became homeowners – a promise that seemed farfetched now, but in 7-8 years we had become just that, homeowners. Along came the dog in another 3 years or so.  Initially against the idea, he gave in just to see me happy, and perchance he noticed my own change in personality, he wanted to see me change positively, secretly praying the dog would aid in my transition back to the positive daughter I once was.

But anyway, my father explained to me the other day, in blind rage, a firm voice with an angry tone yet one can sense the slightest bit of tremble at the back of his throat, that he was changing, like an adolescent in the middle of puberty, like how my mother would one day go through menopause. This is a phenomena I’d like to dub as manopause.

Over the years, I’ve heard some pretty unsettling things fly from my father’s mouth.  Like him asking me whether I’d approve of him dating other women, getting a divorce with mum, or what would happen if he had enlisted in the possible war that might occur between South and North Korea, and if he had died.  He had asked me about the matter of his demise on numerous occasions, each with different executions – from his death in the war, to him killing himself, and how.

I always knew what to say to his questions; his life was his own and if he wanted to get a divorce with mum because he’s had enough, that’s good on him and he can go for it, if he wanted to date other women, sure – only except that I had to pre-approve of my potential step-mother before their relationship escalates.  But when it came to his death, I never knew what to say.  Or more like, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing that could possibly, even if there was a slight chance, intensify his desire to carry out the action.

Anyway, I’m pretty content with what I’ve written and though it wasn’t originally what I had intended to write about suicide and my unruly fascination with it, I feel like this took priority.  If this triggered anyone, I’m sorry – but it really needed to get off my mind and keeping it private or unpublished seemed to defeat the purpose of writing it down in the first place.  Maybe, this is my silent cry for help.  That maybe God is reading this, and can restore peace into my father.

He had told me, again in blind fury; “At least you’re gone in Halifax.  At least you have somewhere else to go here.  I have no where to go.  I’m stuck, stressed.  But it makes me feel better knowing that you’re over there”.

In the odd chance my dad is reading this, because occasionally my mum will read my posts and share them with my father;

Sorry Dad, I love you.

The results we experience in our lives are as a direct result of the thoughts we think and the words we speak to ourselves and to others.

I’m sure many of you will have heard about the benefits of using ‘positive affirmations’ and yet often, we think we’re being ‘positive’, when in reality we are reinforcing a ‘negative’ belief and therefore we emit a negative vibration, which produces the opposite effect of what we’re trying to achieve.

Let me explain….

The words we use directly link to our emotions. This is the case for both our ‘internal’ and ‘external’ conversations.

Have you ever asked someone how they feel and where they seemed ok before you asked the question, as they started talking about themselves, they either become animated and enthusiastic – their words and their body language are full of excitement and hope, because things are going great in their life. On the other hand, they seem to become ‘sad’ before your very eyes and the more they talk about what’s going wrong in their life, the more depressed they seem to become and their words are reflected in their body language… their shoulders sag, their eyes look dull and their words are downright depressing?

At the end of the conversation, with the person who is feeling ‘on top of the world’ and uses lots of positive language like great, brilliant, I’ve achieved…. It’s amazing etc. etc., it’s likely that you feel ‘lifted’ by their positive vibe. I’m sure you’ve come across people who have that ‘great vibe’ i.e. they are emitting a positive vibration out into the World.

How do you feel though at the end of a conversation with someone who is ‘down and depressed’… do you feel full of the joys of spring or do you pick up on their ‘negative vibe’?

What we talk about to ourselves and others and the language that we use, will either help the Law of Attraction deliver your dreams or it will ensure that you get more of the same crap that you may have experienced previously.

Therefore, it makes sense that by pro-actively changing and controlling our language and our conversations, will change the vibration that we are sending out and as a result, will change the outcome.

First though, you need to become aware of your language and conversations.. you need to listen to yourself and notice the words that you’re using both internally and externally.

Have you ever had a ‘friend’ who supports you when you’re down and encourages you to talk about everything that’s going wrong in your life? That friend or family member who backs you up when you’re telling them how bad your relationship is or how terrible your boss is or how naughty your children are… and that ‘friend’ agrees with you all the way….

Until things start to go right in your life.. things are looking up, you’ve turned a corner in your relationship, you’ve been promoted at work and your kids are a joy to be with….. and then suddenly that ‘friend’ seems to disappear and isn’t interested in hearing how positive things are in your life right now?

Your negative language will attract negative people and positive language…. well it repels the naysayers in your life and attracts positive people into your life instead.

What you ‘speak’ impacts on your ‘vibe’ and therefore on your Law of Attraction Results!

Now I’m not saying that you have to become ‘happy clappy’ – brilliant if that works for you, but it may not feel comfortable and natural for everyone.

It is possible however, to make small changes to your words, that will have a phenomenal impact on your behaviour, your ‘vibe’ and therefore what you attract into your life…

Therefore the language we use and how it connects with our emotions impacts significantly on whether our dreams become our reality and whether or not the Law of Attraction can ‘deliver’ positive or negative results.

  Have you ever said to a child ‘Be careful.. don’t fall’ and yet the child immediately falls over? That is because the brain doesn’t recognise a ‘negative’ word.. and therefore doesn’t register the ‘don’t’ and only registers the ‘fall’. So when you say to a child ‘don’t fall’, the child’s subconscious brain will focus on ‘fall’.

In effect, you are literally instructing the child to ‘fall’. This wasn’t your intention, you were simply trying to protect your child and instead, the language you used, probably focussed their intent on ‘fall’ and therefore that’s exactly what happens.. the child falls.

I’m guessing that your intention was that you wanted the child to ‘stay safe’ and yet the outcome was the opposite of your intention, in many instances, as a result of the language you used.

This also happens when we use negative ‘internal dialogue’ when we say to ourselves things like: “I don’t want to be fat”; “I’m not going to smoke”; “I’m not going to eat unhealthy food”… and then we become or remain ‘fat’, we continue to smoke and we continue to eat unhealthy food.

This is because our subconscious mind is responding to our instruction.

Our subconscious mind doesn’t recognise the words ‘not or don’t and therefore it receives the instruction: I want to be fat, I’m going to smoke, I’m going to eat unhealthy food….. and simply carries out the instruction it has received..

It’s the same with the Law of Attraction…

If we use ‘negative’ language, we are focussing on the ‘negative’ and therefore we emit a ‘negative’ vibration and we increase the likelihood of a ‘negative delivery’ from the Universe… more ‘crap’ lands at your door….

Have you ever added something onto your Vision Board or had a goal in your life, that New Year Resolution for example and then a while later when you haven’t achieved your ‘vision or goal’, you say something like: “I haven’t lost weight yet” “I’m still smoking” “I still haven’t been on that dream holiday” ….. These are all statements that emit ‘negativity’ and cast doubt on the original vision or goal that you had.

Then what happens?

You start to lose the positive momentum of adding the picture to your Vision Board and create ‘doubt’ in your mind that these things are achievable.

Doubt reinforces a ‘fear based belief’…. maybe you start thinking that these things aren’t possible for you… “they only happen to other people” ….. don’t they?

At this point, do you think you are sending out a positive or negative vibration?

Of course you’re emitting a ‘negative vibration’ and ‘What you Focus On is what you get!’

And it seems to just get worse, because instead of noticing all the ‘positive signs’ that the Law of Attraction is sending out, you start to focus on the ‘negative signs’… and then what do you think you notice?  Oh Yep – it’s more ‘negative signs’…..

Oh dear – yes your back in a vicious circle and the negative spiral down back to your not so comfortable comfort zone, which is familiar to you…

So now what do you do?

You start to add more negative language.. “Oh – it’s rubbish – these things never happen for me”, “It’s impossible – what was I even thinking adding that picture onto my board”…..

Now what do you think would happen if you changed the words you use to yourself and to others?

What if, instead of using words like ‘don’t, can’t, haven’t, won’t’ etc. you flip it and start to use language that inspires hope and opens your mind up to the possibility of experiencing something new and better in your life – do you think it might make a difference to how you feel? Do you think emotionally you may feel more positive and therefore do you think you may emit a more positive vibration?

Let me give you a couple of comparison examples:

“I hate being 14 stone and don’t want to be fat anymore” becomes “I’m enjoying my journey towards my ideal weight of 10 stone”

“I don’t want to smoke anymore” becomes “I’m becoming healthier and I’m enjoying filling my lungs with fresh air”

Which statements do you think are likely to send out a more positive vibration into the world and also a more positive instruction to your subconscious brain?

Clearly it’s the RED statements as these provide a sense of ‘hope’ and emotionally, you feel better and more optimistic, because you are focussing on your vision of what you want to achieve i.e. ‘my ideal weight’, rather than ‘being fat’.

Then of course there’s the other words… “Should” and “But”… yep – in most circumstances that you use these, they have a negative connotation to them.

Has someone ever given you ‘positive feedback’ that actually makes you feel useless, worthless and lessens your self esteem….

“Hey Wendy, it was great when you did that BUT maybe next time you could do this as well….”  Do you hear anything ‘positive’ in that feedback? Probably not, because you focus on all the words after the ‘BUT’.. in other words, the positive feedback is lost and you feel that everything you’ve done is wrong because of the use of the BUT word….

Now by simply changing the BUT to AND, the ‘feedback’ has a much more positive feel to it.. That’s because ‘AND’ adds to what your already doing to help you improve and grow whereas the ‘BUT’ simply takes away from the good things you’ve done.

Start to notice the language you are using, particularly words like:

Don’t

Can’t

Haven’t

Wont

Doesn’t

But

Should

Notice the context you are using them and try the ‘Flip It’ technique. Instead of “I don’t want to be fat, smoke etc. ” say “I’m becoming… healthier, slimmer, fitter” etc.

I talk a bit more about how to ‘flip it’ in a previous post – check it out via the link below: https://brilliancewithin.com/2016/09/27/do-you-know-what-you-want/

Another small ‘shift’ you can make with your language, is the ‘tense’ that you are using..

Often we add something onto our Vision Board or our Goals and we say things like:

“It will be great if this happens” or “How amazing would it be if I got that ‘dream job’ or “my life would change if I had more money”……

Statements like this may initially seem ‘positive’, however, they are all casting ‘doubt’ on the ‘dream’. They put the dream into the ‘future tense’ with words like ‘will’ and ‘would’ and also create doubt that the dream is possible by the use of the word ‘if’… IF means it may or may not happen…

With the Law of Attraction, we need to use words that make it feel like our journey has already begun as this opens our minds to the possibility of our dreams becoming reality and opens the pathway to even greater things arriving, because we start to notice the ‘signs’…

What about if you changed the words and said something like…

“It’s great that this is starting to happen” – the use of ‘it’s’, puts the action into the present tense… or “I’m working toward getting my dream job by upskilling myself with this great ‘on line training’ 

It’s always possible to make a start on ‘doing something’ that means the journey has already started and therefore it is believable to your subconscious brain that you are already changing and your subconscious brain will then be looking out for more ‘positive signs’ to shove under your nose..

It gets you ready to receive bigger and better things that are ‘en route’ for delivery from the Universe…

To summarise:

Change the ‘I can’t’ to ‘I can’

Change the ‘aren’t to ‘am’

Change the ‘If’ to ‘It’s’

Change the ‘But’ to ‘And’

Change the ‘I Should’ to ‘I am’

Listen to yourself and what you are saying to yourself and to other people

STOP discussing the ‘negatives’ and focus on the ‘positives’ (make sure you listen to your internal dialogue as well as your external dialogue)

Avoid the ‘naysayers’ and look for people who emit a ‘positive vibe’ and spend time with them instead.

Your dreams are waiting for you to open up the route for them to arrive…

Change your language to Change your life!

      Law of Attraction Part 5: How To Change Your Language To Change Your Life… The results we experience in our lives are as a direct result of the thoughts we think and the words we speak to ourselves and to others.

Postpartum Body Image: Primal Perspective

Today’s post was inspired by a question that came in from a reader who is struggling with depression and body image issues after having children. I asked my colleague Dr. Lindsay Taylor, being a psychologist and a mother herself, to step in.

Having witnessed all the wondrous changes that women’s bodies go through during and after pregnancy with my wife Carrie, I’d like to add my support and encouragement to my readers who struggle with these issues.

This post is for all the mamas and mamas-to-be who are struggling with the ways in which their bodies have changed, grown, stretched, and been marked by pregnancy. For you mothers who have suffered a loss, I see you, and you are included here.

It’s really a shame, but not a surprise, that so many women are plagued by negative body image around pregnancy. A strong predictor of negative body image during and after pregnancy is negative body image before pregnancy. Body image is, of course, something so many people struggle with every day, women in particular. Volumes have been written about the ways in which our cultural standards of attractiveness, media and social media, and social factors conspire to make us feel unattractive, unworthy, and dissatisfied with our bodies. That doesn’t need to be rehashed here.

Then when you’re pregnant, you and everyone around you is hyper-focused on your body. Are you gaining the “right” amount of weight? Eating the right things? Moving in the right way? Strangers are commenting on your size and shape, and probably touching you too. (PSA: Don’t do this.)

Some women love this time and revel in the changes their bodies undergo. Other women feel completely alienated from and even disgusted by their bodies. Probably many women feel different and conflicting emotions at different times. No matter what your experience has been, let me assure you that it’s normal. The whole gamut of experiences is normal and valid.

If you feel confused, conflicted, sad, disappointed, or discouraged about the ways your body has changed because of pregnancy, it’s OK. Your body is different, your relationship to it is different. There is no right or wrong here. My goal for today is to help if you do feel distressed by persistent feelings of negative body image and self-worth after pregnancy. It needs to be addressed. Poor body image correlates with symptoms of postpartum depression (it’s not clear that one necessarily causes the other, but some data suggest that poor body image predicts later depression). This can interfere with your relationships with others, including your partner and, very importantly, your baby.

Sometimes when we talk about this, the first reaction is, “Great, I already feel like &%$! about myself, and now I feel worse because my feelings are going to mess up everything.” That’s not it. Most of all, you simply deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to have peace with your body. You don’t need to waste your precious mental energy on tearing yourself down. For many women, their postpartum body image issues are extensions of lifelong feelings of insecurity. Let’s interrupt the cycle now.

Accepting Your Postpartum Body

Most people who want to change how they feel about their bodies take the approach of trying to change their bodies. This rarely works. Postpartum bodies (and bodies in general) often don’t respond how we want, and anyway many of us have constructed ideal body images in our minds that aren’t realistic.

If you want to change how you feel about your body, you should be working on how you feel about your body. There is a lot of well-meaning messaging in the meme-o-sphere about how you should love your body, but I prefer to start with appreciating your body and practicing self-compassion and self-care. If you’re ready to jump right to self-love, by all means go for it! However, this can feel daunting for some women who are stuck in a cycle of self-deprecation and even self-loathing.

The first step in all this is acceptance: accepting the fact that you probably can’t control the size and shape of your body right now, not like diet culture tells you that you can. Yes, there are some women who “bounce back” and flash their postpartum abs in magazines and on Instagram, but they aren’t the norm. Your body is in recovery. If you’re nursing, it’s focused on continuing to keep another human alive. You probably aren’t sleeping, and you might be finding the transition more stressful than you anticipated. Even months or longer down the road, these can still apply. This is hardly the ideal scenario for controlled weight loss.

Moreover, the truth is that your body probably won’t look the same ever again. Even if you go back to wearing your pre-pregnancy clothes, your shape will likely be different. You’ll probably be sporting some new stretch marks. The idea that you can and should “get your body back” is unrealistic and unfair for most women. (Health is something different here.) Your body has done something new and fabulous. It’s not the same body it was.

It’s O.K. to feel sad about that at first. It’s O.K. to mourn the loss of your pre-baby body even while you also appreciate and respect the hell out of your body for growing another human. Denying those feelings or, worse, feeling guilty for them and spiraling into self-criticism and shame doesn’t help. Be open and honest with yourself, and talk to other people who will listen non-judgmentally.

I can’t stress enough that you should ask for help if you need it. If your partner or your friends can’t give you the support you need, or you just feel like you need an impartial ear, find a therapist who specializes in body acceptance and postpartum issues (including depression, even if you don’t think you are depressed, since they are so often linked).

I hear some of you saying, “There is just no way I could ever get to a place where I accept, let alone like, this body.” If you’re feeling too mired down in self-negativity to believe that this is for you, consider this: Self-acceptance allows you to care for yourself and the other people in your life. Imagine if you could model a healthy, happy self-image for your baby as he or she grows. Which of your friends would benefit from someone who speaks in body-positive language and who models self-compassion? How would your partner respond if you could believe that you are sexy and deserving of physical affection?

You don’t owe it to other people to work on yourself if you’re not ready, but sometimes a little outside motivation is what gets the gears turning when the inner motivation is hidden under layers of fear, shame, or self-doubt.

Steps You Can Take

Have I mentioned that I strongly advise anyone who is struggling with mental health and well-being to seek professional help? Good, and I’m saying it again for the record. Therapy rocks.

Self-appreciation, self-compassion, and self-care are things we all deserve and we can actively cultivate. I recommend checking out the book Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, Ph.D., as a starting point.

Quit Negative Self-talk: As I’m sure you know, we are usually our own worst critics. We say hateful, belittling things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else. If you want to deal with negative body image, this has to stop.

When you find your inner voice saying something self-critical, interrupt it and replace the disparaging comment with one that expresses kindness and compassion. Mantras and affirmations can be helpful here. (If you think they’re cheesy, humor me and give it a try.) The trick is to find one that feels authentic to you. One that I like, which I found here, is: I will accept that my body may never be exactly the same as it was before I had the baby, just as my heart will never be the same. Some others you might try are: I deserve to treat myself with kindness and respect, I am learning to be gentle with myself, or My body is beautiful and deserves all the love I can give it. It’s O.K. if you don’t quite believe it yet; still say it whenever a negative thought intrudes.

You can also actively redirect your attention from how your body looks to how it feels. Maybe you actually enjoy the feeling of softness is new places. Maybe pregnancy and childbirth made you feel powerful. When a negative thought appears, crowd it out with Hell yes, this body is strong and capable and awesome.

Again, if this feels forced at the beginning, that’s all right! Body positivity and self-acceptance take work. Many things feel awkward when they’re new, but over time they become second nature.

Negative Body Talk with Others: As a veteran member of multiple moms’ groups, I know that when a group of moms gets together, more often than not we end up kvetching about our bodies. I think social support from other moms is hugely important, but if I could go back in time to when my kids were babies, I’d really try to shut down the self-deprecating body talk.

If you have friends who do this, speak up! Honestly, this is a gift to the other women as well. Complaining about our mom bods is such a common form of bonding, sometimes we need permission to break the cycle. Try, “I’ve noticed we spend a lot of time criticizing ourselves, but I think we are all strong and beautiful rockstar moms. I’ve started a personal project to try to stop negative self-talk and replace it with compliments. What if we tried that here?”

And by all means, if there are other people in your life—family, your partner, co-workers—who try to engage you in body or diet/exercise talk that perpetuates your bad feelings, shut it down. Boundaries are fantastic; draw them often.  

Of course, I’m not suggesting you suppress your emotions. Find a friend or counselor you can talk to about your feelings, one who won’t respond with, “Ugh, I know! My belly button looks like a Shar Pei too, I hate it. That’s why I started this new diet, have you heard of it?” Processing and dealing with your feelings is one thing. Using language that keeps you stuck in a cycle of body hatred is something else altogether. You can tell the difference.

Curate Your Social Media: Think about the images you see on your social media. Are they mostly #fitspo accounts that depict a narrow range of what it means to be “healthy” and “fit?” If so, consider seeking out the many people who are spreading the word that bodies of different sizes and shapes can be strong, healthy, and attractive. Find other women who are at your stage of motherhood and who are also promoting positive self-image.

Move Your Body: Your body is so much more than what it looks like! Move for the joy of movement and to connect with your body on a physical level. Exercise to feel strong and powerful, not to try to force your body to “lose the baby weight.” Movement should be self-care, not punishment.

Wear Clothes That Fit: Dress up your body in clothes that fit rather than hiding in too-big clothes or squeezing into uncomfortably small clothes.

Step Off the Scale: I know this is a hard one for a lot of people, but if your daily mood depends on the number on the scale each morning, this is bad for your well-being. You don’t need to be aware of the daily fluctuations in order to take care of yourself.

Other Forms of Self-care: The sky’s the limit here! Let someone watch the baby while you take a nap or go for a coffee date with your partner. Get a pedicure. Ignore the laundry and watch a TV show. Taking care of your emotional well-being and feeling more positive overall can help you avoid the negative self-talk trap.

How You Can Help Support a Mom

If there’s a mom in your life whom you want to support, a good way to start is by not commenting on her body, period. (This is a good policy in general.) “You’ve lost weight!” is generally considered a compliment, but sometimes people lose weight because they’re ill or depressed. Plus, it draws attention to her body and reinforces the notion that she must be hoping and trying to lose weight. Better ways to engage her in conversation: Ask how she is feeling, and express excitement about the baby. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Offer to bring her coffee or a meal, go for a walk together, or watch the baby so she can shower or run to the store.

Resources for Finding Help and Support

If you feel like you could use help or support in this area, please don’t be afraid to ask. Below are some resources that cater to postpartum women specifically. There are also some great individuals and organizations that promote body positivity and self-care more generally.

Postpartum Health Alliance

Postpartum Support International

Pacific Postpartum Society

After the Baby is Born: A Postpartum Series — A collection of photos and commentary from new moms as part of The Honest Body Project.

“It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now… with its aches and it pleasures… is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” – Pema Chödrön

“Treat yourself as if you already are enough. Walk as if you are enough. Eat as if you are enough. See, look, listen as if you are enough. Because it’s true.” – Geneen Roth

Thanks for stopping in today, everybody. Comments, questions, experiences to share? Include them on the comment board below, and have a great end to the week. Take care.

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Postpartum Body Image: Primal Perspective

Today’s post was inspired by a question that came in from a reader who is struggling with depression and body image issues after having children. I asked my colleague Dr. Lindsay Taylor, being a psychologist and a mother herself, to step in.

Having witnessed all the wondrous changes that women’s bodies go through during and after pregnancy with my wife Carrie, I’d like to add my support and encouragement to my readers who struggle with these issues.

This post is for all the mamas and mamas-to-be who are struggling with the ways in which their bodies have changed, grown, stretched, and been marked by pregnancy. For you mothers who have suffered a loss, I see you, and you are included here.

It’s really a shame, but not a surprise, that so many women are plagued by negative body image around pregnancy. A strong predictor of negative body image during and after pregnancy is negative body image before pregnancy. Body image is, of course, something so many people struggle with every day, women in particular. Volumes have been written about the ways in which our cultural standards of attractiveness, media and social media, and social factors conspire to make us feel unattractive, unworthy, and dissatisfied with our bodies. That doesn’t need to be rehashed here.

Then when you’re pregnant, you and everyone around you is hyper-focused on your body. Are you gaining the “right” amount of weight? Eating the right things? Moving in the right way? Strangers are commenting on your size and shape, and probably touching you too. (PSA: Don’t do this.)

Some women love this time and revel in the changes their bodies undergo. Other women feel completely alienated from and even disgusted by their bodies. Probably many women feel different and conflicting emotions at different times. No matter what your experience has been, let me assure you that it’s normal. The whole gamut of experiences is normal and valid.

If you feel confused, conflicted, sad, disappointed, or discouraged about the ways your body has changed because of pregnancy, it’s OK. Your body is different, your relationship to it is different. There is no right or wrong here. My goal for today is to help if you do feel distressed by persistent feelings of negative body image and self-worth after pregnancy. It needs to be addressed. Poor body image correlates with symptoms of postpartum depression (it’s not clear that one necessarily causes the other, but some data suggest that poor body image predicts later depression). This can interfere with your relationships with others, including your partner and, very importantly, your baby.

Sometimes when we talk about this, the first reaction is, “Great, I already feel like &%$! about myself, and now I feel worse because my feelings are going to mess up everything.” That’s not it. Most of all, you simply deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to have peace with your body. You don’t need to waste your precious mental energy on tearing yourself down. For many women, their postpartum body image issues are extensions of lifelong feelings of insecurity. Let’s interrupt the cycle now.

Accepting Your Postpartum Body

Most people who want to change how they feel about their bodies take the approach of trying to change their bodies. This rarely works. Postpartum bodies (and bodies in general) often don’t respond how we want, and anyway many of us have constructed ideal body images in our minds that aren’t realistic.

If you want to change how you feel about your body, you should be working on how you feel about your body. There is a lot of well-meaning messaging in the meme-o-sphere about how you should love your body, but I prefer to start with appreciating your body and practicing self-compassion and self-care. If you’re ready to jump right to self-love, by all means go for it! However, this can feel daunting for some women who are stuck in a cycle of self-deprecation and even self-loathing.

The first step in all this is acceptance: accepting the fact that you probably can’t control the size and shape of your body right now, not like diet culture tells you that you can. Yes, there are some women who “bounce back” and flash their postpartum abs in magazines and on Instagram, but they aren’t the norm. Your body is in recovery. If you’re nursing, it’s focused on continuing to keep another human alive. You probably aren’t sleeping, and you might be finding the transition more stressful than you anticipated. Even months or longer down the road, these can still apply. This is hardly the ideal scenario for controlled weight loss.

Moreover, the truth is that your body probably won’t look the same ever again. Even if you go back to wearing your pre-pregnancy clothes, your shape will likely be different. You’ll probably be sporting some new stretch marks. The idea that you can and should “get your body back” is unrealistic and unfair for most women. (Health is something different here.) Your body has done something new and fabulous. It’s not the same body it was.

It’s O.K. to feel sad about that at first. It’s O.K. to mourn the loss of your pre-baby body even while you also appreciate and respect the hell out of your body for growing another human. Denying those feelings or, worse, feeling guilty for them and spiraling into self-criticism and shame doesn’t help. Be open and honest with yourself, and talk to other people who will listen non-judgmentally.

I can’t stress enough that you should ask for help if you need it. If your partner or your friends can’t give you the support you need, or you just feel like you need an impartial ear, find a therapist who specializes in body acceptance and postpartum issues (including depression, even if you don’t think you are depressed, since they are so often linked).

I hear some of you saying, “There is just no way I could ever get to a place where I accept, let alone like, this body.” If you’re feeling too mired down in self-negativity to believe that this is for you, consider this: Self-acceptance allows you to care for yourself and the other people in your life. Imagine if you could model a healthy, happy self-image for your baby as he or she grows. Which of your friends would benefit from someone who speaks in body-positive language and who models self-compassion? How would your partner respond if you could believe that you are sexy and deserving of physical affection?

You don’t owe it to other people to work on yourself if you’re not ready, but sometimes a little outside motivation is what gets the gears turning when the inner motivation is hidden under layers of fear, shame, or self-doubt.

Steps You Can Take

Have I mentioned that I strongly advise anyone who is struggling with mental health and well-being to seek professional help? Good, and I’m saying it again for the record. Therapy rocks.

Self-appreciation, self-compassion, and self-care are things we all deserve and we can actively cultivate. I recommend checking out the book Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, Ph.D., as a starting point.

Quit Negative Self-talk: As I’m sure you know, we are usually our own worst critics. We say hateful, belittling things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else. If you want to deal with negative body image, this has to stop.

When you find your inner voice saying something self-critical, interrupt it and replace the disparaging comment with one that expresses kindness and compassion. Mantras and affirmations can be helpful here. (If you think they’re cheesy, humor me and give it a try.) The trick is to find one that feels authentic to you. One that I like, which I found here, is: I will accept that my body may never be exactly the same as it was before I had the baby, just as my heart will never be the same. Some others you might try are: I deserve to treat myself with kindness and respect, I am learning to be gentle with myself, or My body is beautiful and deserves all the love I can give it. It’s O.K. if you don’t quite believe it yet; still say it whenever a negative thought intrudes.

You can also actively redirect your attention from how your body looks to how it feels. Maybe you actually enjoy the feeling of softness is new places. Maybe pregnancy and childbirth made you feel powerful. When a negative thought appears, crowd it out with Hell yes, this body is strong and capable and awesome.

Again, if this feels forced at the beginning, that’s all right! Body positivity and self-acceptance take work. Many things feel awkward when they’re new, but over time they become second nature.

Negative Body Talk with Others: As a veteran member of multiple moms’ groups, I know that when a group of moms gets together, more often than not we end up kvetching about our bodies. I think social support from other moms is hugely important, but if I could go back in time to when my kids were babies, I’d really try to shut down the self-deprecating body talk.

If you have friends who do this, speak up! Honestly, this is a gift to the other women as well. Complaining about our mom bods is such a common form of bonding, sometimes we need permission to break the cycle. Try, “I’ve noticed we spend a lot of time criticizing ourselves, but I think we are all strong and beautiful rockstar moms. I’ve started a personal project to try to stop negative self-talk and replace it with compliments. What if we tried that here?”

And by all means, if there are other people in your life—family, your partner, co-workers—who try to engage you in body or diet/exercise talk that perpetuates your bad feelings, shut it down. Boundaries are fantastic; draw them often.  

Of course, I’m not suggesting you suppress your emotions. Find a friend or counselor you can talk to about your feelings, one who won’t respond with, “Ugh, I know! My belly button looks like a Shar Pei too, I hate it. That’s why I started this new diet, have you heard of it?” Processing and dealing with your feelings is one thing. Using language that keeps you stuck in a cycle of body hatred is something else altogether. You can tell the difference.

Curate Your Social Media: Think about the images you see on your social media. Are they mostly #fitspo accounts that depict a narrow range of what it means to be “healthy” and “fit?” If so, consider seeking out the many people who are spreading the word that bodies of different sizes and shapes can be strong, healthy, and attractive. Find other women who are at your stage of motherhood and who are also promoting positive self-image.

Move Your Body: Your body is so much more than what it looks like! Move for the joy of movement and to connect with your body on a physical level. Exercise to feel strong and powerful, not to try to force your body to “lose the baby weight.” Movement should be self-care, not punishment.

Wear Clothes That Fit: Dress up your body in clothes that fit rather than hiding in too-big clothes or squeezing into uncomfortably small clothes.

Step Off the Scale: I know this is a hard one for a lot of people, but if your daily mood depends on the number on the scale each morning, this is bad for your well-being. You don’t need to be aware of the daily fluctuations in order to take care of yourself.

Other Forms of Self-care: The sky’s the limit here! Let someone watch the baby while you take a nap or go for a coffee date with your partner. Get a pedicure. Ignore the laundry and watch a TV show. Taking care of your emotional well-being and feeling more positive overall can help you avoid the negative self-talk trap.

How You Can Help Support a Mom

If there’s a mom in your life whom you want to support, a good way to start is by not commenting on her body, period. (This is a good policy in general.) “You’ve lost weight!” is generally considered a compliment, but sometimes people lose weight because they’re ill or depressed. Plus, it draws attention to her body and reinforces the notion that she must be hoping and trying to lose weight. Better ways to engage her in conversation: Ask how she is feeling, and express excitement about the baby. Ask her if there is anything she needs. Offer to bring her coffee or a meal, go for a walk together, or watch the baby so she can shower or run to the store.

Resources for Finding Help and Support

If you feel like you could use help or support in this area, please don’t be afraid to ask. Below are some resources that cater to postpartum women specifically. There are also some great individuals and organizations that promote body positivity and self-care more generally.

Postpartum Health Alliance

Postpartum Support International

Pacific Postpartum Society

After the Baby is Born: A Postpartum Series — A collection of photos and commentary from new moms as part of The Honest Body Project.

“It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now… with its aches and it pleasures… is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” – Pema Chödrön

“Treat yourself as if you already are enough. Walk as if you are enough. Eat as if you are enough. See, look, listen as if you are enough. Because it’s true.” – Geneen Roth

Thanks for stopping in today, everybody. Comments, questions, experiences to share? Include them on the comment board below, and have a great end to the week. Take care.

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Revealed The Strategies Top Coaches Use To Become Successful & Financially Free

Stop dreaming about a wonderfully profitable (and amazingly fun) business and make the mental changes you need to achieve results! It’s easy…

Hey there fellow coach,

Entrepreneurship isn’t always what you dreamed it would be, is it?

Spending your days in an office of one with no one to talk to but the dog can take a toll on your sanity.

Worse, those less-than-supportive voices in your head (we all have them, you’re not crazy) keep telling you that you’ll never live up to your dream of being that coach, the one everyone turns to for help, and who’s paid really well for simply offering her opinions.

Pretty soon you begin to believe it.

You won’t ever earn a 6-figure salary, and never mind even dreaming about 7 figures.

No one will ever pay top dollar just to hear what you have to say.

You really aren’t that special—there are a million other coaches just like you.

Sound familiar?

We’ve all had these moments of self-doubt, and for the most part we push through them. After all, we’re entrepreneurs!

But even though we pick ourselves up each and every day and continue to carry on and yes, even make a respectable living, there’s something missing.

Negative Self-Talk About Money Undermines Our Self Confidence

And it continues to do so long after you tune that voice out and get back to work.

It’s not just today’s thoughts that are holding you back, either. Money blocks work their way into our psyche and hang out there for years, wreaking havoc on our lives and happiness, and you probably don’t even know it’s happening.

Maybe your parents instilled a scarcity mindset in you as a child, and you simply can’t shake it now that you’re a successful adult.

Maybe an ex-partner made you feel selfish for “spending too much” on clothes or vacations (even though you didn’t).

Or maybe a high-school teacher’s offhand remark about your potential (or lack of it) is still rattling around in your head.

Whatever your situation, one thing is certain:

Your Attitude About Money Directly Effects Your Balance Sheet

For many would-be entrepreneurs—especially women—money is a huge stumbling block. We believe that small but insistent voice that says, “Your market won’t pay more” or “You don’t know enough to charge that” or even “You don’t have what it takes to earn a 6-figure income.”

And when we believe it, it becomes true.

You attract an audience in search of freebies (because that’s the “vibe” you put out there).

You keep your rates low (way, way too low).

And you never quite reach that sales goal you so desperately want and need to reach.

There’s a simple solution, and it starts with a mindset shift. Introducing…

Money Mindset to Help You Soar!

I’m going to take you by the hand and walk you through the steps you need to take to change your beliefs around money once and for all, so you can finally…

Gain the confidence you need to charge what you’re really worth (it’s probably at least double what you’re currently charging)

Set—and achieve—those really BIG goals that you see so many other coaches making (Travel more? Yes! Speaking engagements? Absolutely! Time for charity work? You better believe it!)

Let go of the scarcity mindset so you can reach for your dreams with confidence and determination (rather than shrinking back in fear).

Sound good? Here’s what’s in store for you in this 4 module, self-paced course…

Module 1: Change Your Money Story

For most of us, the story we tell ourselves about money is the root of all our issues. It takes more than just a little self-talk to change these long-held beliefs though, so in module 1 we’re going to dig in with…

The two most common money stories—you’ll very likely recognize yourself in one (or even both)—and the first steps to overcoming these lies.

Where your money story likely originated—and why it’s so hard to shake (even if you think you already have)

10 ways your money story can have a negative affect on your life and your business—and how these turn into an endless feedback loop that continues to grow

Where your “shrink to fit” mindset comes from—and how to combat it

7 symptoms of a serious money block—and 3 ways to change the story

The “secret saboteurs” who continue to hold you back—and what to do about them

The one word that can instantly derail a secret saboteur—and I’ll give you permission to say it without guilt or further explanation

I won’t lie to you—this is a tough module for a lot of people to tackle. The stories we tell ourselves about money are powerful, and they live deep in our psyche, but once you’ve learned to recognize them for what they are, your world will change. I promise you that.

Module 2: Let Go of Money Stress

Money stress is common in life and in business. After all, without money, you’ll have a hard time just keeping the lights on, let alone paying for college or going on vacation or financing that conference trip you’re dying to take. But stress begets stress, and you can quickly find yourself in a downward spiral that—rather than helping you bring in more money—actually hurts your finances even more.

Module 2 is all about putting the systems in place to end money stress once and for all:

The number one mistake small business owners make when it comes to money—and the unbelievably easy way you can fix it today!

The scary-sounding tool you should be using every day in your business (and no, it’s not a budget)

How to know what your time is really worth—without this in mind, how will you know if you’re charging enough?

Why blaming your financial struggles on “luck” is another lie we tell ourselves—and what the real culprit is (hint: it’s easy to fix!)

Why you must stop treating your business like a hobby—and one sure-fire way to do that starting right now

How to use money as the tool it is, so you can easily generate more of it.

7 common outsourcing mistakes that will cost you money—and what to do instead

Getting past your money stress will make you feel as if a huge burden has been lifted from your shoulders—because it has! You’ll finally be able to see the real potential in your business, now that you’re not worrying all the time where the next client or check will come from. With these systems in place, you can finally concentrate on growth instead of survival, and that’s a great place to be!

Module 3: Bust Through Your Money Blocks

We all have them, and sometimes even reframing our negative self-talk (like we did in module 1) or putting systems in place to reduce the stress (in module 2) can’t completely clear them. In module 3, we’ll bring out the big guns to finally be rid of the blocks that are preventing you from reaching your dreams.

The 5 favorite “money block banishers” of today’s top coaches—we’re tapping into the expertise of people who have “been there and done that,” and bringing you their best ideas!

Why it takes time to “retrain your brain”—and how to put your natural creativity (we all have it) to work on it

4 powerful books to add to your reading list—if you take nothing else away from this module, these books are a must read

Why it pays to open even the most skeptical mind about alternative ways to manage your mindset

The simple, 3-step process for changing negative thoughts to positive—plus a worksheet to help you practice

Why your personality type is a critical consideration when it comes to money—and how to use your unique type to your advantage

Money blocks are tough. You may need to return to this module again and again, and try several of the various techniques before finding the one that suits you best (and works). But don’t give up! Consistent action is the key to finally getting past the blocks that are holding you back, and once you do, you’ll be more than ready for…

Module 4: Love Your Money

Learning to love money is really the ultimate goal. Rather than feeling shame or guilt about having it, when you can instead love money and what it can do for you and others, you’ll finally be able to enjoy the financial freedom you’ve worked so hard to achieve. And best of all, you’ll be a lot less likely to revert back to those negative beliefs that held you back for so long.

In module 4, we’ll cover…

How small changes in your daily routine can foster massive growth—and why it’s critical to not try to do “too much, too soon”

5 things to add to your day that encourage change—including one that might surprise you

Why knowing your optimal, peak performance time can make all the difference—and how to find it

How different styles and types of exercise effect different personalities—and which ones might be right for you

How to use a journal in your day-to-day life to identify negative habits and patterns—and 9 types of journaling to try

Two critical things to keep in mind as you journal, regardless of your journaling style

How to effectively remove guilt and self-blame from your life, so you can keep those money blocks away forever

How to find support when you need it—and why it’s ok (even critical) to ask for and receive support from others

  Change the Way You Think and Act About Money, and Change Your Life—and Your Business—Forever

Listen, I get it. You’ve struggled with money for years. You’ve always been “broke” and you’ve never felt deserving of more. I’ve been there, too.

But you CAN change your future. And that starts by changing your mindset when it comes to money. Is it easy? No.

But it is so, so worth it. Imagine being able to…

Finally take that vacation you’ve been promising the kids

Take an afternoon off once a week to volunteer at the local animal shelter

Buy a bigger house (with a dedicated office just for you!)

Support a charity that’s near and dear to your heart

Or just stop stressing over money so much. Whatever your financial goals are, they are within your reach. All you have to do is take this first step.

    I can’t promise that you’ll make a million dollars. But I can promise that if you do the work, you’ll have less stress and a far better relationship with money than when you began. You’ll find the confidence to charge more, and finally stop sabotaging your own success (you know you do it—we all do).

How much is that worth to you?

Click the button below now and discover how to become successful and financially Free

  The post Revealed The Strategies Top Coaches Use To Become Successful & Financially Free appeared first on Digital Marketing Kickstart.

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The Process Worked, Obviously

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  It would have been nice for the Sixers to clinch that playoff berth with Saturday’s win, an opportunity for fans to cheer the home team while also providing a celebratory locker room moment.

Instead, by virtue of a goofy tiebreaker scenario, the franchise had to wait until Sunday, when the Pacers knocked off Miami in overtime to send your team, your town, your 76ers to the playoffs for the first time since the 2011/2012 lockout-shortened season.

Of course, we all know this means more than the 35-31 finish back then, an 8th seed triumph only made possible by a Derrick Rose ACL tear that leveled the first round matchup and allowed the Sixers to slide past Carlos Boozer and a bunch of role players. The conference semifinals didn’t require an asterisk, but an entertaining seven game series came to an end at the TD Garden with Rajon Rondo throwing up a triple-double against Andre Iguodala and company.

Everybody knows that this team is ten times better than the Doug Collins squad that went to the playoffs, and that the 2018 Sixers are well-positioned for the future with an infinitely higher ceiling. No disrespect to Jrue Holiday and Evan Turner and Spencer Hawes, but this is different.

They’re over the hump at 42 wins and 30 losses with 10 games left to play. They will likely finish with the most victories in an 82-game season since Larry Brown’s final squad went 48-34 back in 2002/2003 before losing in the second round to the Detroit Pistons.

I don’t need to remind you how bad it’s been since then. The Sixers have been to the playoffs just five times in the past 14 seasons, losing in the first round four times:

If you started your Sixers fandom after the Larry Brown years or you’re somewhere in your early twenties, that chart above is probably the only thing you know.

They’ve turned the corner and will probably stay well beyond that corner for some time thanks to the Sam Hinkie-induced rebuild that netted a pair of generational superstars. He wanted to zig while others zagged, and here we are.

I asked Brett Brown after Saturday’s win if he experienced self-doubt at any moment during the Process era, the fear that his team might not get over that hump, or that he might not be here to see it.

He gave a pretty honest answer:

“Sure. You know, I live in reality. I’m the son of a coach and I’ve been doing this a long time and so did my father. From the day I was born, save four years ago, I’m the son of a coach. He’s 81 years old. So, I feel very much at peace with what we’re trying to do as an organization. We all come in here and you win or you lose but it’s way deeper than that to me. You’ve heard me say this all the time. And there’s an element of peace and grounding when you feel like the underbelly is moving in the direction you want. It gets a little bit rickety when you win 10 games or you lose 26 in a row, and every year I’ve coached here our first player chosen doesn’t play (due to injury). At some level, well, that’s a little bit of a juggling act.

But I’m proud of the locker room; the locker room has always been, for the most part, a tight locker room. The organization, behind (the scenes) stuff with our ownership, Scott (O’Neil), Bryan (Colangelo) has come in, Sam (Hinkie) did a hell of a job. I like what we’re doing. I like the direction we’re headed. There were some fragile moments, for sure. But never did I feel like we weren’t doing the right thing. To be validated a little bit – only because we’re winning – there’s some comfort there. There’s some comfort there.”

So the Process worked, but I think we had pretty much established that a few months ago. Sunday night’s playoff-clinching scenario only provided more ammunition for an argument that was already very easy to win.

The Sixers are in the playoffs with a pair of superstars, a #1 overall draft pick rehabbing for next season, and enough cap room to add a max free agent in the summer. Whether or not you agreed with the Process, I don’t think there’s any argument anyone can make to say this team was better off in 2012 or 2003, or the black hole of the Mo Cheeks and Eddie Jordan years. There just isn’t.

On the other hand, of course the Process worked. How could it not? When you purposefully hit rock bottom, the only direction you can really go is up. You can’t fall any further than 10 wins and 72 losses.

Give it enough time and you’ll stumble upon generational talent, which they did. Not every selection was a slam dunk. Jahlil Okafor, Nerlens Noel, and Michael Carter-Williams weren’t the guys. The reason the Process worked is because Hinkie embraced the tank and didn’t half-ass his way through it. The Sixers were all-in from the start, willing to part with guys who they knew just weren’t going to be good enough. And that’s the difference between the Sixers’ rebuild and the Orlando or New York rebuilds – one team really went for it while the others are still fumbling around in the dark, stuck in hardwood purgatory.

To that point, the Process really wasn’t anything more than a well-executed rebuild. Philly had the right person running the show, and four years of shit basketball was a drop in the bucket for Sixer fans that watched years of atrocious play long before Hinkie became the patron saint of bearded white hipsters.

Case in point, it was something like 2009 or 2010 when I started in the CBS 3 sports department, and I remember editing highlights of Jason Kapono and Sam Dalembert for our 10 p.m. and 11 p.m. broadcasts. Talk about the halcyon days of Sixer hoops. Before that, it was Billie King and Ed Stefanski and Matt Geiger and Derrick Coleman. It was Chris Webber and John Salmons and years of trying to put the right pieces around Allen Iverson.

And before the good A.I. years, it was my dad watching on TV at home, frustrated with basically the entire decade of the 90s, a stretch that saw the Sixers miss the playoffs seven years in a row. He watched Armen Gilliam and Shawn Bradley and Trevor Ruffin and usually turned the game off in the 4th quarter.

That’s the thing with the Process; I don’t think you can judge it in a vacuum. I think you have to take into account everything that happened in the nonviable years leading up to it. It was necessary. This franchise needed to implode because other stuff just wasn’t working. Andrew Bynum didn’t work. Evan Turner didn’t work. Building around 28-year-old Andre Iguodala wasn’t going to work. This franchise needed to go four steps backward to take five steps forward.

That doesn’t mean that crotchety older fans don’t have a right to get back on the bandwagon. Like I said, bad basketball wasn’t exclusive to the Process era. Older Sixer fans have suffered just as much as millennials and for far longer. And don’t worry about the lazy national writers and dinosaur journos who had bad takes from five years ago; some actually did have a semblance of a point, I think… It’s not like tanking is the only path to becoming competitive in the NBA. Some teams stumble upon superstars without spiraling down the toilet. Hinkie correctly diagnosed the Sixers’ malaise and installed a custom-designed plan that fit this franchise perfectly.

Ultimately, the Process should be judged by the time period required to bring the Sixers to prominence. I don’t think four or five years is unreasonable for a total rebuild. If they missed on Joel Embiid or he never got healthy, or they kept kicking the can down the road without terminus, then yeah, maybe you could say the whole thing failed. But five years to go from utterly pedestrian to wildly enjoyable? Most people are gonna do that deal. The anti-Process people made it seem like Hinkie supporters were selling their souls to Mephistopheles or something similarly off-base and/or exaggerated. The neutrals among us just sort of sat there observing from afar.

The fact of the matter is that the Sixers are in the best position they’ve been in since the 1980s. That’s simply indisputable. And the reason they’re here is because they took the risk, identified what needed to be done, and blew it all to hell. In a city that just saw the Eagles win the Super Bowl for the first time ever (or the Phillies in 2008), I think everyone now understands the meaning of a championship, and Hinkie’s rebuild was crafted with that in mind. It wasn’t crafted to get the team into the playoffs. They could have kept Michael Carter-Williams and Nerlens Noel and cruised to a first-round 2/7 series loss.

No risk, no reward. That was the story of the Sixers from 1991 to 1998 and from 2003 to 2012. Same with the Eagles, who decided to gamble on a potential franchise quarterback and made a bunch of shrewd moves en route to the Lombardi Trophy. Not sure about you, but I admire the team that takes a chance and fails, much more than a team that doesn’t “need a fresh perspective,” like your Philadelphia Flyers.

I guess the point of all that rambling is this:

Whether you agreed or disagreed with the Process should be ultimately irrelevant. I think every Sixers fan has watched enough sad basketball to earn an automatic seat on the bandwagon.

This team is fun to watch, they’ve got tons of talent, and the ceiling is sky-high. It’s a hell of a time to be a fan, and I think everyone can at least agree on that.

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