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jamietwat · 6 months

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Jamie would be so annoying when Roy’s reading. Like no, he has no interest in reading the same book himself. No, he has no interest in Roy reading to him and wasting that much time on it and trying to pay attention

Instead, he’s out here asking Roy annoying questions every single time he sees him reading. Which wouldn’t be as annoying if Roy wasn’t trying to read while Jamie just sat there and went “What’s that book about?” “That sounds boring” “Okay, that part sounds okay I guess” “Well what’s happening now?” “Why the fuck would anyone do that?” “Wait, what the fuck is that guy’s problem?” “What’s happening now?”

Roy tries to give him short answers in an annoyed tone but Jamie takes no hints and ignores the outright “well if you’d shut the fuck up and let me read, maybe I’d know the answer” kind of responses

But the more Jamie does it and the more often that they’re training and he’s asking about if Roy read more and about what happened, the more this genre of Jamie’s annoyingness starts to grow on him just like every other way Jamie used to annoy him

Roy likes talking about it when he’s not actively trying to read and being interrupted and then fuck him, he’ll never admit it but he starts to like being interrupted and getting to rant about characters’ stupid decisions and being validated in his disbelief by Jamie just soaking up his biased summaries and doubling down on most of his opinions and starting the stupidest fucking debates about the rest (which sometimes ends in Jamie having no fucking idea what he’s talking about and it being amusing for that reason and sometimes Jamie somehow understands a character’s motivations better than he does and Roy has an oh moment and he may or may not admit that to Jamie depending on his mood and how fed up with Jamie he is at that exact moment)

And then every once in a while, Jamie makes some fleeting reference to some book in an interview and it’s always something he hasn’t read himself but that he’s just heard about from Roy and at first it mostly flies under the radar, but eventually the public catches on to the pattern

Jamie makes some reference and later a fan makes some tweet about how he’s read their favourite book and Jamie responds with nah roy did and told me abt it

Later on, Jamie publicly calls a book his favourite despite not having actually read it because it was the most fun to talk about with Roy and he was annoyed when Roy didn’t have time to read more when he wanted to know what happened but he doesn’t give that context so for all the public knows he actually read it

But then later, he makes another comment in another interview about the same book and no one there knows enough about the book to realize he is blatantly missing some information that he would have known if he’d actually read it but later tons of people are commenting about it online and Jamie responds like roy didnt tell me abt that part

He tries to make some reference to the team trying to make some inspiring locker room speech and everyone thinks it’s great until Roy corrects Jamie’s blatant lack of awareness of how that worked out for the characters just for that to be notably less inspiring and more of a downer and now the team is distracted by how sad and unfair the book none of them has read is so Roy just sighs and lies and makes up some new events set after what he’s corrected to try to get the team back to happy and inspired from what Jamie said instead of deflated from what actually happens and they all just believe him until Sam reads the book later on and is devastated to find out that Roy made the whole happy ending up

Jamie publicly talks about another book later on that an interviewer has read and gets asked a question about it and just goes “I don’t think Roy’s gotten to that part yet” and seems completely oblivious to the confused looks he gets

And when people finally notice the pattern from the times he’s referenced something on social media or in interviews they’re like does Jamie Tartt even know how to read??? Why is every single book he ever talks about just something Roy Kent told him about??? And when people ask him about it, Jamie’s just shrugs and is like “I’m far too sexy to waste my time on reading. Roy telling me about whatever he’s reading is much faster. Roy isn’t even surprised by that because that’s one of Jamie’s go to answers he’s given every time Roy has said something like “You do realize you could just read this book yourself instead of pestering me with questions every five seconds, right?”

(Another one of Jamie’s go to answers is “Yeah, I could. But annoying you’s more fun.”)

#Jamie Tartt #Roy Kent #RoyJamie #Ted Lasso #Mine

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softesttangerines · 6 months

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Shanks and mihawk frequent the same gym. It's mostly a boxing club/gym kinda. And really, it was Shanks' gym first, he's been going here since forever. He met Ben, the owner, during college days. They were decent mates and when he moved back to the city and was looking for the local gym, Ben offered him a free trial in his boxing club and that's how he started doing box as a stress relief instead of just your regular gym activities.

He's become quite the name in the gym. For a hobby, he was quite good at it and people from other clubs came to challenge him sometimes and check what's the fuss about. It was safe to say he lived up to the hype.

So really, post work activities were greatly stress relieving. That is untill the new guy came in.

He usually got to know all the new faces even tho he had a specific time where he visited the club. He usually goes in straight after work, so let's say from 6pm to 8pm? (Or something along those lines) so usually newbies, even with different gym time, made sure to visit at least a couple of times during his visiting time just out of curiosity towards red head shanks everyone speaks about, and usually, everyone ends up satisfied even if they get their ass kicked by him, he was just so friendly that you cant resist him even if he hands you your ass back on a platter.

So when he hears about the new arrival that's quite as good as him at kicking ass and he hasn't met him even tho he's been hearing about him for a month now, he's intrigued and miffed. He's not egotistical to the point of being bitter that this new guy didnt visit during shanks' gym time like everyone else, but he couldn't help but take it as a challenge.

So shanks, for once, changes his gym schedule and goes at 9pm (not that he annoyed ben to tell him what time the new guy is around usually..) When he goes in, it's a happy surprise, everyone's going "hey red!" And "What's up man?" And "let's go for a round, red!" And he feels as happy as a king liked by his people which is silly, he reminds himself he's no king, the boxing club is not his kingdom, these are not his people and he's so not here to prove himself as the true boss of the gym, he's just here out of mere curiosity.

So really, he didnt know what to expect but the man in the ring with piercing yellow eyes and dark furrowed brows, skin so pale that the dark moles mapped on it looked like constellation, and curly fluffy hair held in some sort of tiny ponytail with some wild strands sticking to his sweaty forehead just took his breath away as he landed his opponent on his ass with a swift punch.

Ben, who appeared out of nowhere next to him, snorts at his friend's startruck expression and shanks' annoyed because "you didnt tell me he's a pretty boy, ben!!!" And ben's like that's hardly a boy, that's a full grown man in his 40's and shanks' interest is piqued. So it turns out, ben knows the guy, his name is mihawk and he's new around, recently moved in for a job.

Mihawk was an upcoming icon in the ballet world from his teens to his late twenties. The reason he stopped is due to a career ending injury. He was such a big name in the industry tho, his talent couldn't go to waste so he received multiple invites to teach at prestigious schools which he accepted, but at some point in his career ballet instructor, he got tired of the drama and pressure that comes from big named schools, he decided to settle in a smaller caliber establishment instead.

The reason ben knows all this is because his daughter goes to the ballet school mihawk works at, and while getting to know the man and his interests, he invited him to check the club out. To his surprise, the man ended up being great and making up quite the stir among the regulars. He was so sure it would tickle shanks one way or another and he was right.

Shanks is completely amazed that this guy in front of him is actually not a professional boxer and instead a fucking ballerina. Like this man dances in tights for a living instead of punching people in shorts like he's doing right now. Shanks is literally having a whiplash and dont know which is hotter, all he knows is that the guy is fucking hot and he wants to both fight him and get in his pants!

So he enters the ring after mihawk's opponent leaves, and with the intention of being charming and full of rizz, he opens his mouth, except he's still under the whiplash effect so instead of saying smthn normal, his brain to mouth filter disappears and says "I bet you look hotter punching that guy while wearing your pink tutu" (you can totally hear ben facepalming) and mihawk snaps his head at him, one eye twitching then a scowl takes over his face right away and he goes "if you come up here, I'll show you just what i can do in a pink tutu." (Mihawk meant it in a threatening way, shanks got that but it still didn't stop him from popping a boner right there.)

Mihawk has been frequenting this boxing club for a month now after one of his students' parent suggested it and he's been liking it just fine. People dont engage with him unless it's for a match (probably because they tried to talk to him and barely got anything more than grunts back as an answer, so they just assume he's not the most social of lads out there) and even though there's no worthy opponent of his time, he still finds it decent. Untill this red haired jerk appeared out of nowhere, having the audacity to mock his career? How dare he? What does he mean by pink tutu? Mihawk is a fucking male ballet dancer, he wears fucking tights not tutus! He's genuinely offended at this knobhead who's looking at him weirdly (shanks is NOT drooling.)

Mihawk totally intended to kick his ass but the guy is just so good? The best from this place and the best he's had in a while, really. Sooooo, the guy's offensive comment aside, he did enjoy their match tho he wont rest untill he beats him.

+++

Shanks is all happy at the notion of a next time being there, also he's both scared and horny because he barely escaped. The guy was obviously going for his blood! As much as mr.boxer/ballerina is hot, he aint about let his ass get kicked by a pretty boy (lowkey he's trynna impress him by showing he's better and lowkey it's working because each time mihawk is actually more impressed and the more the guy impresses him, the more mihawk is like "wait, that's hot?", conclusion? Show mihawk you can bench him and your chances of actually benching him increase.)

++++

bonus:

Shanks is a horny mf and has this whole fantasy going on about ballerino mihawk in tights (not a fucking tutu) and one evening he annoyed mihawk enough to be invited to the dance studio

for the full experience on, mihawk actually wore his dancing attire, which totally didnt have shanks foaming at the mouth lol

tho all that was forgotten when mihawk danced turned a piece on and danced to it, all graceful and elegant and strong

and shanks was just transfixed, mouth hanging open, like this man putting on a show only for him is magnificent

he's freaking gorgeous and he's giving shanks the honor to see him in his element even tho he no longer dances professionally

and mihawk loves the attention on him it's been so long since he's been on a stage but here in a closed studio

with only shanks as a public, he's never felt more appreciated for the art he makes

they fuck in the dance studio after that lmao

also they fuck in the gym as well and ben is considering kicking them out because he did NOT sign up for his establishment to be defiled this way

everyone at the gym is just annoyed atp at first. it was fun seeing the rivalry between two strong men and everyone had a side

but two months in and their matches were filled with overbearing sexual tension people stopped watching them

boooooo, nobody wants to see two men wrestle half naked as an alternative for sex cz they were two stubborn to do smthn bout it

or worse! they were into some kinky public roleplay typa shit oof!

#mishanks #this is about it lol #i had a tiny plan for zoro and luffy to be involved but i'm too tired maybe next time lol #one piece #opla #mihawk #shanks #dracule mihawk #akagami no shanks

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baby-xemnas · 23 days

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PLEASE TALK ABOUT THE LUZO SABAODY/2 YEAR TIMSEKIP STUFF IM BEGGING YOU

oh its so much....its So cute that u know that panel where they step away to talk like "hey where did the bear guy send you to? 😄" its so casual for what a heavy event it was, and how hard what came after had been.....but i kinda love it you know it's not unrealistic to be like haha its fine NOW so we can laugh and have fun and relax and smile again....just like lawbepo hug on zou - bepo is SO happy to see law that he instantly forgets and forgives all the fear and pain law made him feel, it doesnt matter its over!!!

its the same with luzo at sabaody reunion they are all grins and "i cant wait to rediscover you, I'll enjoy learning how youve changed bit by bit, ill savour it like a good meal" long looks. Because its Safe they are together again and they both, they ALL worked to become stronger so they can stay together, so luzo have that sexy confidence about it and instead of regretting the wasted time they think "nothing can separate us now"

and its CRAZY cuz they've been through so much. from the absolute horror of the initial incident, to the pain of finding out what happened to luffy at marineford and zoro going insane because he isnt there for luffy. luffy going through that and not wanting to live afterwards but being brought back Because he has zoro and the others - no doubt in those tears of love and gratitude there was a mix up of guilt for considering offing himself because it would mean hurting THEM. he is very sorry, it passed.

so reunion is So full of joy and comfort Despite that horrible baggage makes it all the more beautiful for them to feel So Light as they fall into each other like: there you are, my love, my home, isnt it amazing how we sync up so effortlessly again - its pure happiness

not only both of them worked and changed and became so much stronger to be able to stay together, not only did they endure so much pain for each other's sake (others' too but u know. its fucking luzo) they also both discovered a facet of their love that only distance could give so theyve matured with it too

its Nuts

zoros devotion got formed under pressure of kuma fight and his training like a diamond. as ive said i love post ts zoro being a shameless trophy wife/bodyguard who is So openly proud to be a dog its DISTURBING (positive. appreciative)

if luffy was possessive before he somehow becomes Worse much to zoros happiness. But luffys determination to be great to reach his goal is inseparable from his greed and selfishness, and that includes zoro, its crazy really because greed usually implies large quantities but with this its intense greed focused on one person (because zoro is luffys only lover and he wants no other. zoro is the best) which makes it Suffocating. in a way even the fact that "thought of zoro saved me from giving up" kind of = zoro is mine completely, its a batshit logic but thats not unusual for luffy -

luffy doesn't want to become king alone - he wants to do it with zoro and the others, his goal is his life, he is nothing without them and it just so happens that zoro is most important there, not making others disposable just cuz they arent sucking his dick but zoro is zoro, zoro was always different, zoro is the most HIS out of this group of people who will die for him

and they all came back...and zoro came back.. it's like by doing that they signed a second new and expanded unspoken contract between them that yes you are our captain Yes we will see you through the end etc

and luffy is so giddy that zoro is there ..not that luffy doubted him but he really feels like celebrating

😊😊😊

(sorry this ended up being a scattered train of thought and i didnt even talk about them fucking but i did cry typing it up if that helps cuz i love them...)

#one piece #luzo #anonymous

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littledollll · 1 year

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Hello!! I'm a huge fan of your work, your writing is amazing!!!! ❤️ I have a request if that's ok, I was wondering if you could do a lucifer x human reader where r is out walking in the dead gardens and a demon ends up hurting them pretty bad. Luci hears r screams and comes to the rescue and kinda freaks out because r is hurt bad and becomes really protective over r and makes an example of the demon to show what happens when enyone trys to hurt luci's lover. Please and thank you!! 😊

I’ll cover you

Lucifer x mortal!reader

A/n: i didnt rly know how to go about this since I already made this concept in my mini series “little angel” so I apologize for how long it took.

Warnings: injury, vague descriptions of violence

☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾☾

You enjoyed your freedom to roam the kingdom as you wished. Being with the ruler of hell meant that you had a very busy partner, and as expected making friends in hell wasn’t all that easy.

Your favorite place was the dead gardens. Peace in hell was hard to come by, but you always found it there. Most subjects were uninterested in such a place, which made it a perfect place for you.

Maybe you had gotten too comfortable, accustomed to the peace in the gardens, let your guard down a little too low. Big mistake to do so in hell, you quickly learned your lesson.

✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦

You couldn’t understand how it possibly all happened. You swore you were alone, that the gardens were safe, that you would be safe. One second. It took one second for a quiet walk to turn into screams, thrashing and fighting, wounds and blood.

Pinpointing where the pain was coming from seemed impossible, it was everywhere, that sharp stabbing pain, the dull ache all over your body. Dizziness took over any rational thinking, you couldn’t move, much less fight.

You felt so utterly hopeless against the demon. You could see the sadistic smile on their face at the sound of your screams, like your torture was just their entertainment for me evening.

You were free of pain in an instant. Taken into their arms seemingly hiding you, protecting you, from the world. You allowed your eyes to slip shut in the comfort of their warmth, and Lucifer wasted no time carrying you inside.

✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦

When your eyes pealed open you quickly realized you were back in the safety of your shared chambers. Strangely enough you felt well rested, but still a little dazed. You could feel Lucifer’s hand tracing circles on your back as you laid against them.

“He’s been imprisoned and chained, how would you like us to proceed?” Came Mazikeen’s voice, devoid of any formalities, as her eyes quickly darted to you, and back to Lucifer.

“I want him dead. Gutted and presented. Make an example of this, Mazikeen. Make sure they understand very well what happens when they touch what is mine. I want his skull saved and placed as decoration in the throne room.” You could barely focus as they gave demands, you just knew they were filled with wrath, their words were venom.

You heard no reply paired with the sound of her boots fading away. You hid further into Lucifer’s warmth and wordlessly they allowed their wings to wrap around you.

Lucifer refused to leave your side. Not now that you needed them and never again. Lucifer couldn’t get your screams out of their head. In their time in hell they’ve heard plenty, been witness and participant of harsh punishments, they were convinced they’d heard it all, that they were desensitized. Until then.

From now they’d be your personal protection, you wouldn’t move out of a room without them with you and the dead gardens were to be banned from all subjects. Maybe it was a little much but they refused to allow anything like this to happen again.

It was strange, to be able to feel their heart beat so wildly, the usual sticky sweet smile they wore or complete poker face were both gone. For once you could read them clearly without trying. And it only made you hug them closer.

You wanted to calm that thrashing heart. To hear their voice sound calm and sweet once again, you needed them to know they did save you, they haven’t failed. “I’m okay, you have me Lucifer, I’m okay.”

Lucifer sighed with a nod, their hold on you releasing the slightest bit so they could look at you. “From this moment until the end of time, I promise you will never be hurt again, my heart.”

You knew that. You’ve never felt safer than when you’re by their side.

#gwendoline christie #the sandman #lucifer sandman #sandman lucifer x reader #lucifer morningstar the sandman #sandman lucifer morningstar x reader #the sandman lucifer morningstar x reader #lucifer morningstar (the sandman)

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uriekukistan · 4 months

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right so here i am w MORE URIE BALLET HCS

- the first time urie went to a ballet class was against his will

- i wanna say hsiao took the quinx bc the way i see her move in the manga reminds me of a dancer…yeah she probably goes for cross training or smth

- urie was pretty reluctant and not looking forward to it at all. probably thought it was a waste of time

- but he so quickly came to love it. like by the time they were done with tendus (literally the second thing you do in a ballet class)

- i wanna say he was one of those people who didnt think much of ballet and ballet dancers, but after that class he really came to respect the art

- i’ve said before that i think he would appreciate the way it combines all of his fav hobbies - the creativity of art, the athleticism of working out, and ofc we rarely see him not listening to music in his headphones

- but i think what he likes most is the structure and discipline of ballet

- he’s someone who has a lot of thoughts at all times. ballet classes are very predictable and you should be focusing on the technique, so your brain kinda goes quiet. i think he would appreciate that

- anyway after that first class he’d kinda get obsessed w ballet but he would keep it to himself

- his fav company is the bolshoi ballet btw

- after a few weeks of obsessing, he would finally go to another class, but he would figure out when hsiao went and specifically go on different days. or he would straight up find a completely different studio

- idk why he’s so hellbent on hiding this new hobby bc you know the quinxes would be supportive as fuck

- the teacher really likes him because he’s always super focused and looking for corrections

- so the teacher asks him if he’d be interested in performing in the nutcracker with the company they’re part of (omg time for my fav urie ballet hc)

- urie hesitantly accepts because he really does enjoy ballet but he’s worried he’s not good enough and also that the quinxes will find out (again- why???)

- so he ends up being the cavalier for the sugar plum pas de deux, which he’s kinda like ???? because other than the nutcracker prince it’s one of the most coveted male roles in the nutcracker

- he’s also never done partnering before so he’s kinda nervous. very shy in rehearsals but also very cooperative with his partner. he wants to do well in everything so he works very hard and always asks for tips and feedback from his teacher and his partner

- he also finally comes clean to the quinxes about where he sneaks off to every night and theyre so excited to come see him dance. he thought they would tease him, but no one does because they can see how much it means to him

- they all come and sit in the front row. saiko also told takeomi and yoriko, and kaneki and touka so they all come too and urie is lowkey mortified

- he slays tho as expected

the dance if u were interested! one of my personal favs! this was so long omg

also his dream role is prince siegfried from swan lake (bc his fav ballet is swan lake), and he kinda wants to do the russian dance from the nutcracker bc of all the jumps

#local ballerina tokyo ghoul stan speaks again #damn i really rambled with this one #i have lots of urie ballet thoughts #urie kuki #tokyo ghoul #tgre #tokyo ghoul :re #kuki urie #tokyo ghoul headcanon

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stateswscarlet · 3 months

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sp and i broke up in 2022. i did a+p and got movement but i switched to states and havent gotten anything since rlly. he got with 3p in nov. i stopped caring and stuff and even ASSUMED they broke up. so my question is, why didn’t they? they posted together and looked happy but i truly believed they broke up. i dont even care that much about him anymore and i dont even practice manifesting him that much anymore because ive had no luck. but why didnt this reflect?

I saw alia already answered you and I fully agree with her advice but I would love to offer another perspective since I also understand how frustrating and annoying this can feel!

My question to you is, if you don’t care about him and aren’t even consciously manifesting him, why are you clinging onto what he’s doing in his life? why does it matter if he’s with someone or not? why be nosy and annoyed for no reason if you aren’t even sure if you want him? make sure you aren’t approaching this from an ego perspective and trying to feel better about yourself by either 1. removing a circumstance (3p) in order to decide if you want him or 2. having hidden resentment and unresolved feelings that manifested as you not wanting him to live his life bc you feel like you didn’t gain closure and he’s out there having fun and seemingly happy w someone else. just some food for thought!

Also, why are you looking AT the 3D (a mirror) and then deciding that “yup! they’re still together = it doesn’t work!” when you know damn well if you understand states that none of this has anything to do with the 3D. how do you know what was unfolding behind the scenes? how do you know ANYTHING beyond what you see on a screen. if you truly were in the state of being with him (I know you said you’re not manifesting him) you wouldn’t give a singular hoot about whats in the 3D bc thats NOT your end goal. your end goal is feeling the feelings you desire without the 3D to show it to you. you deciding something in the shadow world takes away from what YOU, a GOD OF YOUR IMAGINATION experienced shows exactly what state you were operating from this entire time. you were most likely in a state of hoping and wishing and making decisions BASED OFF the 3D (oh they broke up!) which has nothing to do with you anyways. please stop wasting your time and give yourself the relationship if thats what you want. you’re not changing the 3D anyways and will never get “back” the version of sp who is dating someone else so why waste your time on a state you cannot change? simply switch to one that serves you and feels good to you and understand that is COMPLETE as is.

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h0pelessromanticz · 10 months

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((Because i dont see enough of vunrable alhaitham where he breaks so im doing it myself, also note i headcanon alhaithams parents to both struggle with ASPD so they literally only raised alhaitham to act like a machine and that human emostions were treated forgin since alhaitham ended up being autistic, aka his parents werent exactly nice))

Alhaitham had arrived home late, the meeting as the grand sage he had went to had went on for way longer then he wanted. it didnt help that eariler in that week his headphones had been damaged during a fight with some mercenaries in the dessert. Alhaithams whole body felt heavy his headphones were almost a coping mechanism at this point for the poor scribe. It had 2 functions he could alter between the two, one where he'd blast music or audio booklets or the other which would drown out all sound to stop him from having what his parents called chemical imbalance tantrums. Alhaitham could feel that damn nagging in his heart that he hated so much. After all he was raised that these emostions were futile and only hindered progress, he hadn't been rasised to know that emostions were natural and that no matter how much you fight it evenetually the dam wall holding the water could only fill so much before it bursted and this week was definitely testing it. not that alhaitham was aware of that. The scibe was like a knowledge machine but completely oblivious to his own mental needs or emostinal well being.

Any time a smidge of emostion fronted its face he'd shove it right back down into the deepest depths of his subconscious. The only emostion that seemed to ever butt its head that alhaitham wouldn't shove done was the rare temper of his anger. He had learnt his lesson about bottling that up. It would front its fangs threatening to devour him like it did that one night him and his roomate kaveh fought. He had bottled it up and after that night alhaitham had never bottled up anger again. That night scared him. The way his headphones flashed red his eyes blurring into a red cloud. The way his body moved without his control. He never wanted to feel that way ever again. However he would never let anyone know and would lie to himself about it. Groaning the scribe made his way to the kitchen to make some coffee, he still had paper work to do.

In a way alhaithams grandmother was the only one to truly understand him. She saw a small child too scared to show emotions because it was met with gaslighting, dissmisal, and being wrapped up to dumb brain functions and chemicals that he needed to control. Which wasnt humanily possible, she saw a child that had been broken into believing that human nature was a waste of time. alhaithams grandmother realised that his parents before they had passed were attempting to raise a shell of knowledge, something more like a machine, then a human who had a personality and heart, so she tried to make sure that anytime he accidentally let a true human emostion slip or let out what was seen as a childish behavior that she'd express how it was okay. However the damage had already been done and his brain cemetery had already been altered it made her upset to say in the least. Especially knowing how alhaitham had been diagnosed with autism, normal human beings struggled with emostions, nevermind a child and a child with autsim. a part of her feared what alhaithams parents had verbally or mentally done to this child. Knowing how much her son lacked basic empathy and humanity.

Pouring the coffee alhaithams ears rang uncomfortably as a door slammed shut and stomping sounds could be heard. Alhaithams heart sunk but his brain rolled its eyes. The 2 sides of him had been battling it out all week. Pushing and pulling in a endless dance. Alhaitham was usually logical,usually didnt dread when his roommates temper bursted through, however he took into consideration that he also always had his headset and for some reason now that he didnt he was finding it rather difficult to be logical at points, wanting to scream out a strange bubbling feeling in his chest, new sensations were felt this week that he hadn't felt since he was a child or ever. His brain had also started behaving strangly thoughts that werent rational nor practical popped in.

He chalked it up to some chemical imbalance and would get his blood tested to see his levels and take care of it. He wasn't even thinking or processing that maybe it was his subconscious starting to snap and break away, and that his usual machine like self was actually a mask he had worn, worn for so long he had forggoten to be human or at least act himan infront of others. But that was just it ,he was still human and his body was about feed up with the years of neglect and holding every emostion under his skin. So when kaveh started to go off about something as small as him forgetting his clothes on the drying string. Alhaitham sighed tsking. Which only earned a scuff and an explosion from his roommate.

It was strange kaveh was the complete opposite. he was a ball of emostions the furthest thing from a machine or alhaitham. But that was also a dangerous game. Kaveh couldn't believe it alhaitham was ignoring him again with that dumb sigh. Oh he could just ring him a new one, he had been acting different and it threw kaveh off his game. </p>

Alhaitham attempted to leave and head towards his room before this became an argument over nothing but was stopped by an even madder blond head of hair stomping in front of him blocking his path his arms on his waist, rambling off. Alhaitham was to exhausted and his ears had began ringing loudly as he was subconsciously becoming overestimated. Unfamiliar feelings came into play. alhaitham winced a bit his ears were psychically hurting and throbbing now whenever kaveh raised his voice louder. Right he had never not had his headphones available when they had their bickers. He could usually use his headset device to lower kavehs yelling so it was at a normal level. Alhaitham was just about done as he again attempted to leave only to be slightly shoved back into place.

Usually alhaitham would let his temper get the best of him and yell something and shove past his roommate to get kaveh to back. This time it was different the way kavehs touch stung and made his heart cry out scared alhaitham. His eyes widened surprised as he started to drown out kavehs yelling. It was almost like he was teleported to his subconscious who had a younger him shaking looking at him with tear filled eyes " we cant take this anymore its killing us, were not a machine please we cant hold everything in when are you gonna let yourself grieve" alhaitham scuffed at his subconscious younger self as if to downplay and gaslight himself once again in an attempt to remain in control. "Im scared...do we even know how to be human anymore" alhaitham felt his throat tighten a lump forming. He swallows hard "what of course we do!, dont be ridiculous" his younger self morphed into a child alhaitham sobbing as he just chuckled saddly threw the sobs "then why does everyone call us a machine or a robot, why cant i identify what im feeling" alhaithams eyes widened in pure shock his puplis shook as reality set in, he...he didnt know, as if on cue kaveh screams out taking alhaitham out of his transe like state

"GOD YOU REALLY ARE THE WORST YOU KNOW THAT, YOUR IGNORING ME! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING YOU DAMN ROBOT!" kaveh clenched his teeth expecting a snark remark, a scream, something just not what happends next. Alhaitham just stood there and starts shaking. Alhaithams eyes are avoiding him? no eye contact thats not right. A small broken wobble escapes the scribes lips "stop.." kaveh wanted to lash out even more at this. what did he mean! That was until he saw the taller mans bottom lip ever so slightly quiver. This sent a shiver up the blondes spine. What was going on with haitham he had been stranger then normal all week. He gasped as he realised what he had just said looking back at the grey haired man who seemed to be clenching his jaw shut, he could see tears welling up, no that can't be right.

Alhaitham swallows hard. There it was the sentace he hated most, everyone called him a machine, a robot ,emostionless, nonhuman, self centered, psyopathic, odd. The list went on and on, the more alhaitham desperately tried to shove the emostions back down frantically the more they engulfed him pushing back like he was underwater trying to force a floating object to the bottom when all it would do was rise to the surface. Panic was starting to set in Internally. He could feel it that sting in his eyes no..no no no no this was stupid why was this so stupid really seriously now your gonna let what others have said affect you? get your shit together this is pathetic. Alhaithamwanted it to stop but it wouldn't.

"emostions are pathetic", "what are you crying about i could list some real reasons to cry or give you one" "stop this embarrassing display", "this is hindering your study sesson are you just about done now?" His parents words vibrated as they danced within his head. He was drowning, drowning silently for years and years and he hadn't relised it until he had hit rock bottom. Alhaitham walked past a shocked kaveh who seemed to be proccessing his own thoughts either way alhaitham wasnt in the state to handle it. Alhaitham made sure his pace was hurried as a feeling of dread filled him he wanted to run in that moment ,run from his emostional self because it scared him he didnt understand anything that he was feeling, other then it hurt, it hurt so bad, it wasn't enjoyable and it wouldn't stop no matter how much logic he threw at it.

Alhaitham slams his bedroom door. as he begins hyperventilating, clenching the fabic of his shirt over his heart. As he closed his eyes tightly clenching his jaw to try and stop it, anything, just make it stop. No he needed his headphones but they were getting repaired. alhaitham hit the back of his head against the door a few times in defeat he wasnt getting out of this. Oh god his parents would be so disappointed, calling him pathetic and overreactive. Alhaithams legs wobbled as he slid down the door, dropping down like a ragdoll. His lips quivered as his breathing hitched. The walls of the damn had smashed open and his vunrable nature had kicked him in the guts angery that he had neglected it that he had treated himself so poorly. His inner child screamed with raw emostions. And the only thing he could do was finally whimper out a pained noise and sobb. The rare time he did ever cry he had his grandmother, he had held it off way longer then ever before bottling things up until his body physically couldn't. But now he didnt have her by his side and god did he wish he did. His whole body racked with shakes as if holding 10 years of bottled emostions wouldn't effect him? As if constantly shoving his trauma down and childhood neglect wouldn't cause him anguish.

He desperately tried to make his way to his bed, as the world around him started to distort and feel dizzy. he honestly felt pathetic. he had managed to make it to the foot rest of his bed on the floor and pull down the blanket to cover himself with it. The floor felt so cold on the scribes bare feet that he shivered slightly. Was it actually cold or was it the panic attack he was going threw causing this. Sighing threw soft sobs he wrapped his arms around his knees hugging himself like a small child who had just had a nightmare.

"this isn't fair" he muttered to himself.

Kaveh blinked as he realised alhaitham was gone a strange feeling drawed itself up from his gut why did he want to puke why was he so anxious out of no were. Why did alhaitham look like that, his eyes why did they shine with so much pain he'd never seen on the scribes face. It scared kaveh something was wrong! very wrong he didnt fight back? he slammed the door? But him slamming a door but not appearing angry had kavehs head spinning in loops. He was shaking, alhaitham was shaking? And he swore he saw tears in the stoics eyes. Anxiously Kaveh found himself making some dinner for the scribe he felt guilty and bad for lashing out on him the moment he had came home not even asking how his roommate was fairing. Kaveh sighed as his brain let a thought escape "especially with how the man reacted this time around." He muttered to himself. Kaveh was scared he hurt the man if that was even possible.

No! kaveh shook his head alhaitham is still human and he knew that. alhaitham did have emostions. The softness of his gaze when kaveh would lay on his chest, while alhaitham read, or whenever kaveh had a hangover his gentle backrubs, the way he would get his favorite whine whenever kaveh had,had a rough week. The way..alhaitham let him live with him for practically nothing. The way alhaitham had been so busy he wasnt joining the architect to dinner or even sleeping he saw how exhausted the other look not only was he the new sage until they could find a replacement he was also still the scribe and with the accosha system being destroyed alhaithams job had become more difficult. The only thing kaveh had been doing was racking into the man all week with his own emotional bagade and lashing out on him this whole time.

Kaveh bit his lip fighting back the urge to cry himself from the guilt. Though he had come to figure out over the years that alhaitham would often get flustered, almost embarrassed any time he showed a slightly more emostional side to himself or natural behavior as if it wasnt normal. Humming in deep thought kaveh placed the food on a plate and put it on the counter. he'd just let...no he had to check up on the scribe it had been 20 minutes and it was to quite. Plus he still didnt feel right just leaving this time, usually alhaitham would get mad they'd both storm off and then both come talk to each other in the living room. Kaveh took a few steps out of the kitchen and when he walked down the hall his ears picked up on a gut wrenching sound. Sobbs, gasping breaths that were hitching. Kaveh swore his heart shattered and fell into the deepest part of his stomach he had only ever heard of alhaitham crying, a rumor, he didnt truely belive the man could cry. he wasnt there to witness it but it was after his grandmother died, which made sense but also was hard to digest for the architect.

but now standing outside his door and hearing it with his own 2 ears, made the blond nauseous with concern. He debated and fought with himself to knock, finally getting up the corage to. On one hand he wanted to run away to his room on the other hand kaveh wanted to burst the door down and hold alhaitham close. Groaning to himself in his brain he finally just does it.

3 gentle knocks were heard. "haitham?" A little pause "...hey are you okay?" It was so gentle and soft that alhaitham couldn't help but sobb harder as if being asked if he was okay broke him more. subconsciously he'd had wanted someone to care enough to ask. Kaveh heard the younger one break more. "Im...im coming in okay?" Kaveh couldn't take it he had to see the man and make sure he was okay. Alhaitham shot up as if his logical side was really trying to punt its way forth right now. Scrambling slightly to stand but his legs gave out "No! Wait!". There was a pause "haitham..you havent ate today im bringing you food" the scribe cursed to himself digging his nails into the wooden floor as his body wouldnt stop shaking. alhaitham could hear the footsteps leave his door only to retrun shortly after. the door knob rattled as the large wood chunk slowly opened. Alhaithams heart already racing from the current state he was in started to beat faster but it hurt it stung with fear.

Oh god he was going to see how pathetic he was, how childish and immature he was behaving. He was going to see him vunrable and not professional. His inner child screamed at him to shut up that this wasnt his fault and that he needed someone, asking why he was being so cruel to himself. Growling Alhaitham clenched his teeth baring them like a threatend dog as he grabbed his head pulling on his hair. This was bad he was getting that werid uncontrollable urge to become self destructive, everything was starting to spin, any sound that was made started to blast in his ears and cause constant ringing and become all just to much for him to process. His whole bodys nevres were shit and burning. Alhaitham was losing himself.

it happened alot as a kid when he had thouse meltdowns his grandmother told him it was autistic meltdowns and that he'd have them because he denied that part of himself or it often happened when the neighborhood kids bullied him or took his headset away. And here he was at its mercy as he continued to pant subconsciously trying to grasp for headphone that werent there. frantically clawing at his ears to try and bring himself back down. His body was against him now and all he could do was whimper over and over as kaveh entered the room only for the scribe to hear a soft surpised gasp as he heard the older one put the plate down on his dresser. Almost scrambling to his side.

Kaveh couldn't believe his eyes the scene in front of him tugged at heartstrings he didnt even think existed. The scribe was in complete disarray shaking and sobbing hestarically, trying to claw at himself. Kaveh found himself at the scribes side in no time. He wanted to protect alhaitham but he had no idea what was wrong. This was all foreign for him. Alhaitham wasnt the crying type or emostinal type at all. He grabbed the scribes wrist which only earned him a paniced yelp and kavehs eyes widened at just how much the other was trembling.

Kaveh cupped the scribes cheek with his other hand his thumb petting just under his eye. As he coooed out reasuring words "hey..hey its okay look at me.. your okay...sh shshshsh" alhaitham just made a heartbroken sound his head lowering as he almost curled into himself "hey hey hey, whats going on?" Kaveh made sure his voice was as gentle and soft as he could manage. The other didnt reply his eyes looked so scared, and his body wouldn't stop shaking. kaveh pulled the other closer to him his hands gripping alhaithams arms pushing them to alhaithams side as he looked at him worried fear painted on his face.

In that moment as soon as kaveh touched alhaitham the scribe broke and bursted out painful sobbs "im sorry...im sorry" kaveh obviously was shocked and panicked a little "hey hey hey nonono haitham you dont need to apologize okay" he was confused why was haitham apologizing he was the one who was trying to egg him on in an argument and called him a machine.

Alhaitham looked up at kaveh a emostion that shouldnt never be on anyones face painted the scribes nevermind the new sages face.

" i..im sorry i dont mean to act like...to be a emostinonless, heartless bastard..i didnt ask to be this way...i im sorry for being like a robot ....im sorry.. i dont know!" He yelled out shaking his head his voice cracked and his bangs falling in front of his face as the architect held his wrists " i dont know what im feeling! ,i dont know whats going on! and its hurting i..it hurts so much dammit and it wont stop!..im scared" alhaitham had almost whispered out that last part as kavehs lips quivered at the sight infront of him " i dont know whats happening, i cant breath, i cant think straight, and the only thing my body wants to do is cry and shake" the scribe stuttered out in broken sobbs his wobbled voice uneven. Kaveh pulled alhaitham into a hug tightly placing his chin on the grey set of hair as if protecting alhaitham from the world. "Shshshsh your not a machine, im so sorry i said that i thought... you were ignoring me..or that you were just grumpy and im so sorry, your not heartless you have a big heart, i dont care if anyone thinks differently i know you. Im sorry if i had looked harder i could have noticed that you weren't okay this week and im sorry i never noticed. Im sorry i lashed out on you". Alhaitham shook and gripped onto his senoirs clothes hiding his face in shame into the others shoulder.

Kaveh frowned. "Your having a breakdown, have you had one this bad before?" alhaitham shook his head. " kaveh then thought to ask "did you even know you were having one?" Alhaitham shook his head "...the fact you dont know that....do you not allow yourself to feel things?" Alhaitham shook his head again and it made kaveh tear up as he ran his hand threw the youngers grey hair. What the hell what normal human being would...then again alhaitham wasnt normal.

"haitham...why? I know your not typically the emostional type but...didnt you ever cry as a child?".

Alhaitham tsked and cleared his throat. "i dont know how to express myself...i was never allowed to...it wasn't correct...if i did it was not becoming if i cry it was called pathetic". Kaveh bit his bottom lip all this time he never knew alhaithams story. "My grandmother was the only one who let me feel things, but even then i was already older...i only knew one thing basic surival and studying..i only know how to hold knowledge yet i lack basic human skills" kavehs heartbroke again hearing alhaitham saddly chuckle and just sobb. he pulled the scribe even closer almost cradling him as he just rocked alhaitham in his arms kissing his head gently over and over again.

"Im so sorry, your allowed to express yourself with me i wont judge ever again i promise, im here." Kaveh cupped the scribes face his nose nuzzeling into the grey hair.

"Im here for you my little grey dove". Alhaitham stopped crying for a split second a small gasp escaping him as if that nickname broke away the chains that binded him oh so tightly. Alhaitham started wailing into his roommates chest. Shutting his eyes tightly.

Kaveh had also began crying, he had no idea just how much this man was hiding. So he wasn't like this on purpose this whole time he had his roomate plauged out so wrong. Kaveh held alhaitham tightly that night and let the man sobb years of bottled up shit out of his system. Petting and playing with alhaithams hair in a means to comfort him. eventually the scribe had exhausted himself sobbing himself to sleep and kaveh sighed, he'd put the food away and he could have it once he woke up. When kaveh came back he picked up alhaitham bridal style and placed alhaitham in the bed. he noted that he was lighter then normal. So he really hadn't been doing good this week, he's lost weight. Tsking he goes to leave only for a weak voice to beg him to stay and stay he did holding the vunrable alhaitham in his arms as they both drifted to sleep. That night kaveh promised himself he'd never call alhaitham a robot or a machine ever again.

#alhaitham #kavehtham #kaveh #haikaveh #fanfic #genshin fic #haikavehfic #kavehthamfic #angst #writers on tumblr #fanfiction writer #genshin impact #genshin

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cowvboyenema · 4 months

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==> you take a second to think about the kid without a dad

you hate thinking about a kid without a dad because frankly you have your own kid without a dad who fucking resents you for it man

you struggle with his resentment and you struggle with his desire for you to be exactly what you god damned are

the end of the world is kind of sick in the way where every so often instead of having to work yourself to death it slows down and leaves you putting your head in your hands at your desk, forced to do jack fucking shit

and wait

there are four daves snapping out of existence, without you being aware of them existing in the first place, and there is a pile of completed paperwork on your desk youre kind of hazy about that the throbbing in your head and stuffy nose that sort of smells like blood wont allow you to think about

instead you have to think about yourself without dirk again

its an easy game to put all your feelings on a shelf and pat some younger version of you on the back and call him champ but when they start extolling shit about their Bro or your brother it sort of weighs on you

you hadnt considered any of this when you invited dirk to stay around you for a while, and how it would kind of make you flinch having to see his expectantly skittish eyes working really fucking hard not to linger. dirk is a connoisseur of hiding his feelings but you are a god damned artiste at it

if you have to actually face them youll talk yourself into a circle until nobodies quite sure what soul crushing truth you just exposed that will leave you feeling bared and humiliated, which is one of the few merits to actually doing the damn thing

but otherwise with your general nature of just going with the flow, getting a pin on whats true and whats just a boldly made up metaphor or some one off joke you thought would be funny is hard

and even after ditching the shades you make sure your eyes dont linger

or if they do nobody can see you

you died man

youve thought a lot about your death

you planned it several times

youve gone on three missions in your life with the sole intent to die on the battlefield, the fourth was supposed to succeed and you chickened out

you resent that youre a little jealous of the alt of you that got to take the out

who didnt stand there battling a fleet thinking about letting his sword falter and this guys mace bludgeon the responsibility away

he got to slip just a little once and then stop moving and you were there too but you had to brace your arm and take a hit that would have you removed from battle service it feels like indefinitely

you didnt even like the battlefield but going home to a starry eyed brother and a john who would gnaw his lip when he thought your eyes were ever off him, and who would pat your head and tell you good job and to be safe and whatever else he worried about

it was nice

you miss his hand being so big

you wish you didnt resent being a guardian a little bit

you love your brother but you really cant help but feel like youre dragging a story out that should have just been finished already

every life saved, troll housed, tea party attended, every measure taken is just wasted time where you should just be able to die off and let the world crumble

this is, decidedly, NOT the mindset of a hero

its why youve always hated that title

youre a fighter for sure but a hero does it for a reason other than fuck man im just doing my job

you suspect they put you here because rose is worse about these things, you both have a ruthless streak in you but rose tends to take it a little too far

you grab a book a lob it at my face

==> stop being the camera

you look at the shattered remains of a camera you always knew was there and grumble about how you could feel it doing some dumb shit and call desiree in to come clean this shit up

you dont think you can wait much longer, youll need to find something to put in your schedule

#dave watch #ooc post etc etc #suicidal ideation #of a sort #i guess #i havent done a dave watch in forever hes my little meow meow

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kosheraspirations · 1 year

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hey I'm converting right now and I just wanted to say that I had the exact same experience, I reached out to my Rabbi at the tail end of the intro to Judaism class and had to wait about a year for the next one to start, I'm not sure if you know but they might be hesitant to talk with you about conversion because it's custom to turn down potential converts 3 times before letting them even begin converting so if they seem like they aren't giving you a chance just keep trying and keep in mind that rabbis are really busy, I would recommend reading some Jewish books and listening to Jewish podcasts in the time between now and your intro to Judaism class starting, it's a great way to get more involved in Judaism and go ahead and start learning more about it formally while waiting, I'm a big fan of Living a Jewish life by Anita Diamont and her other book Choosing a Jewish life, but I'd be more than happy to send you the list of books from my Rabbi sponsoring my conversion if you want! It's definitely a frustrating wait while waiting for the class but it's absolutely worth it once you get here

hi! i'm definitley well aware of the 3x rejection tradition, but that wasn't what was going on. i didn't go into too much detail about the conversations i had with each of the rabbis so i dont blame you for assuming that might be it, but it was more of a dismissal than a rejection. especially since i kept going back to one of them after being "rejected"/dismissed and if anything it felt like he was actually bothered by me rather than like, paying attention to my persistence, like how i imagine he would have been had it been tradition. i'm not sure how to describe how we talked without trying to flat-out quote them directly which feels a little strange to me lol

several other people have also recommended reading books and doing research in my own time and trust me i have been!! i have seven or eight books that i own that i'm getting to one by one, and "choosing a jewish life" is actually my current read (although i do have Opinions about it that i'll share later once i'm finished with it). one of the shuls i visited when i was trying to meet with the rabbis also has a reading list and i've chosen several books off it it already, too, even if i don't end up converting there. i definitely thought that was a smart idea for them to have (you have to pick a certain number of both fiction and non-fiction books off their approved list in order to complete conversion)

i will say though (and i'm not sure if anyone else has had a similar experience), one of the rabbis actually advised me against doing my own research about judaism of any kind. he said he believed most of the things people discuss on the internet are false (although he didnt really specify what things, which is...annoying, to say the least), and that without the guidance of a rabbi i was wasting my time. which....felt a little unkind, almost? but he was the one i liked the least, so who knows.

but part of my post was also that it almost feels like half-assing it to read jewish literature and continue learning, but not actually do anything to begin the conversion process. that was why i said if the next rabbi i speak to does the same thing,* i'm going to consider fully putting *everything* on pause, including reading, until i can actually take the class. that way it won't feel like a constant reminder of what i could be doing instead, had things worked out differently. yknow?

*which he may not!! i checked his shul's website and they aren't affiliated with the same board of rabbis that the other ones were, so he may not even require the class to convert at all?? i do think the class would be beneficial and provide a sense of structure, but time-wise (also money and location-wise. as someone who relies on a shitty public transit system to get around, the class meetings changing location every week to a different shul on the complete other side of town is going to be absolutely horrendous), it's not "optimal" (not sure what other word to use). i definitely have both questions and concerns about it but i'll be able to ask the rabbi if everything goes well :)

#asks

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hanasaku-shijin · 2 years

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I hadn't wanted to say details for fear of sounding too much like a bitch, but I really need to rid myself of the negative truth of the fact that I was dumped on our 8-month anniversary via text in a fucking Walmart parking lot.

I spent a long time trying to defend her cuz like, she didnt know where I was when she sent that text but like goddamn. Goddammit, y'know? That's the story of my life right there. That's my luck. Incredible.

Still bitter, still sadder than ever, still heartbroken. Yet I still wish the best for her. I just want what I deserve, too. I want my happy ending. Where is it.

And like? The real kicker? I stayed closeted my whole fucking life. I didn’t date anyone unless I was really damn sure it had a chance of working out. And even when I did date those very few people, I didn’t tell anyone about it for months in case it ended up falling through. I didn’t wanna come out and tell people “I have a gf!” just for it to end and then everyone saw it as a phase/joke.

I date my first gf in secrecy and to this day no one in my real life knows about that. My second real gf I dated for weeks before I told only my mother, but didn’t tell anyone else, and lo and behold 2 months later she broke up with me. Same with the next one I dated, she broke up with me after a few months, glad I never told anyone about her either.

But Mel? I dated her with my whole heart and soul. I waited until I was sure we could work out before I invited her to my house, to meet my parents, which no one I’d ever dated before had gotten to. I waited half a year before officially coming out to everyone else in my life and revealing that I had a gf and was happier than I’d ever been in my life. I waited 6 fucking months.

And what happened anyway? The very same thing I’d been trying so hard to avoid. She dumped me a few weeks later. Just like that. Like those 8 months had meant nothing at all. So I ended up coming out to everyone just to get tossed aside. To put that relationship status from “in a gay relationship” to “single again” within the course of a few weeks. My whole damn life I walked on eggshells trying to avoid humiliation and heartbreak like that. I waited half a year of dating her to finally make that revelation.

And what ended up happening anyway? The exact thing I was trying to avoid. Years and years of being closeted because I didn’t wanna come out with a gf who’d just end up dumping me anyway. And that’s exactly what I got. Even though I waited so long, and made fucking sure we had something real. Even though I waited until we said “I love you.” Even though I did literally everything within my fucking power to ensure it would be my happy ending.

Gone. Completely gone. Wasted. Over.

#personal #this year is hell

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8000000cherries · 1 month

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thinking.. if i stayed w my bf freshman yr we wouldve been tgt for 2 yrs at this point which is so weird to think i feel like a completely diff person from 2 yrs ago and also what my life wouldve been like if i didnt break up w him like we werent even tgt that long maybe 2-3 months but still wonder how my life would be if i stayed in that bc i remember seeing the red flags and being like i need to end this toward the last 2 weeks but what if i hadnt and convinced myself it would work out also he has a new gf hes been with for a year so im like wondering what she thinks of him bc im like honestly i wouldve stayed if he wasnt so condescending and actually miserable to be around after a while bc the first month or so was great and so what does she even see in him that made them stay togehter that long lmao but also i think im really easily influenced by ppls opinions esp of romantic partners like if my friends dont like someone im dating i wouldnt see a future and i dont think most of my friends even liked him like i could feel the awkwardness and tension and im thinking now too of telling the new girl i was talking to i just wanna be friends bc 1. she ghosted me for a week and 2. i dont think most of my friends like her that much and bc of that i dont wanna waste anyones time anymore also its ok i think i just need to be alone for a while im not very caught up in anyone anymore and independence is nice/not expecting anything from anyone

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thekingofwinterblog · 3 years

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It’s all for his sake - Endeavor and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

My hero academia 301 is a pretty interesting chapter, but for me, the most notable piece of it was how Endeavour reacted to the realization that Touya couldnt surpass All Might.

upon realizing that his son might not be able to do it because of inborn physical limitations, he immediatly stopped his training, which frankly was the responsible and adult thing to do.

This stint of real parenthood did not last long however.

After taking the matter to a doctor, he is flat out told that not only cant Touya achive what endeavor wants, but it is a direct result of his incredibly selfish and irresponsible attempt to play god, by trying to breed the “perfect” hero into being.

It is how you react when you lose however, that shows who you really are, and endeavor illustrates that very, very well.

Upon being told in no uncertain terms that his attempts at Breeding an heir failed magnificently, producing a child that was not capable of resisting his own immense power, but also admonished by his doctor for even attempting it, and adviced not to try again, Endeavor instead doubled down, while focusing on the child he screwed over from the start with his attempt at genetic manipulation.

It was all for him you see. Endeavor doesnt use those words, but that is how he spins it here. it was all for Touya, all for his sake. if i stop now, then Touya was all for nothing, a mistake, im doing this for my son.

if im doing this for my son, then im not responsible for any of this.

his wife however, calls him out on it, as she understands Touya much, much more than endeavor does. or rather, she sees him fully as a human being, instead of as a thing, a weapon, a failed attempt at an heir.

Unlike Endeavor, Rei is able to see the way this all is affecting her son. She is able to see, and understand that Touya has fully accepted what Endeavor wanted him to be. a stronger, and better version of himself. however, unlike Endeavor, she only cares about him as a person.

Endeavour by comparison isnt completely uncaring about Touya. like most abusive parents, he does possess love for his offspring, but it is forever tainted by the fact that however much he might care, or not care about Touya, any familial love he has for his son is tainted by the fact that to Endeavor, he is a failed experiment, a failed heir, not his child.

He is the golden child that Endeavor was building up as his true and only heir, who he breed, trained, and molded to for that single purpose, and now that he’s reached a point where he cant continue that legacy.

so, its time to abandon him, and start over new, despite literarily having just learned how stupid this plan was, and that it can, in fact, go completely wrong, with a quirk that will fuck over the person he brings into the world.

Of course, Endeavor doesnt use those words to frame it. there is no way to pretend to be a hero, if you phrase it like that after all. Intead, this is the words he uses.

this is a very important series of panels for a great number of reasons, some that can be debated, argued, and we will probably never know the full truth to the questions because this is a series published in 2020′s shonen jump, and there are things that probably wasnt gonna fly with Hori’s editors, if it was the case.

but lets start with what can not be debated. Endeavor’s words here.

“If we want him to give it up, then we have no choice... Touya... Cant surpass him.”

These are very telling words, and however you believe The third and fourth children of the Todoroki family was concieved, there is not denying the meaning of what he’s saying here.

The only way that my son will stop being an idiot and fall into line, is if we have another baby. that is the only Right way to move forward. it is morally right, because if we dont do this, then he’s going to destroy himself.

there are two ways to interpret this scene.

The charitable way is to read it as the fact that he used Rei’s oldest son’s mental state as a justification of guilting his wife to have a third child, to give this attempt at a superpowered breeding project another shot, despite the fact that they now know that this can lead to a child who is essentially born crippled from his own powers, and despite the fact that Rei obviously understands the effect of them continuing this insanity will have on their oldest son.

the uncharitable way to look at it, is that he used this as justification for flat out raping her, and forcing a third, and then later a fourth child on her.

I personally believe the last one, given a number of factors shown in this chapter(the way this page is framed, the fact Rei obviously didnt want a third child, given she predicted exactly how touya would react, the way her eyes would latet turn when she looks at who is presumably touya which really brings to mind how she would later react to her youngest son’s face after her mental breakdown, etc.), but i’ll frankly admitt that withouth a direct quote from Hori, its impossible to know for sure one way or another.

either way however, this is a very good example of Endeavor both being influenced by, and using Sunk Cost Fallacy to justify bringing another potentially crippled child into the world for his own, selfish goals.

sunk cost Fallacy, is a mental reaction to when you invest more time and resources into a project, that you becomes so emotionally invested into said project that you will continue to invest into it, even if it reaches a point that it becomes clear that the resources you put into it, far, far outweighs the potential gains you can achieve.

because if you give up after having invested years, and years of effort to breed, raise, and train a kid, and then all that effort was absolutely wasted. hence he choose to keep going, despite having learned what a terrible idea this is.

He doesnt care about the fact that his next child might be even more crippled than his firstborn, he doesnt care about his son’s actual wellbeing. he cares about the fact that if he doesnt continue this insanity, then not only will he not achieve his dreams, but everything he did to get to this point was for absolutely nothing.

and endeavor cannot accept that. and so long as he can justify breeding more children into the world, and there being any chance they might inherit both quirks perfectly, he doesnt care about anything else.

and the moment he realised that this kid wasnt gonna cut it either, he did it again. it is not a coincidence, that the age gap between Endeavor’s second, third, and fourth children were all 3-4 years apart. because thats the age where you can usually tell when a quirk will manifest or not, as established earlier in the series.

While she isnt brought up directly by Endeavor as a justification, it is very telling that Endeavor decided on having a third child, only after his second child was old enough that he could tell that that there was no chance she could take the place as his heir instead.

So, he had his third child, and as time passed and it became obvious that he wasn’t gonna be able to fulfill Endeavor’s goals either, he dumped him, and instead breed a fourth child into existence.

and finally, he struck gold. he did it. he produced Shoto.

everything was finally worth it, and now, everything would be absolutely fine. the cost fallacy had reached its end, and it was now all full sails ahead.

except of course it wasnt.

His oldest son, now in middle school, had been raised from birth to believe he would surpass his father, only to be thrown away, and getting to see his father try to replace him, not once, but twice.

frankly, this scene is probably my favorite in the chapter, because it goes to show Endeavor’s mindset. Natsuo made a point that their father completely ignored his older children. and he did... from Natsuo’s perspective. however, having a more thourough picture of things, we can clearly see that this wasnt the case with Touya.

Endeavor genuinly cared for Touya, enough that once he got that child he tried to breed into existence 4 times, he genuinly wanted him to just abandon trying to be a hero. he genuinly thinks of himself as a good dad here, wanting his son to abandon the mission he set out for him before he was born. of course, with context, this heartwarming scene is incredibly sad and insidious, because we understand why Endeavor got so attached to his oldest child. because he WAS the golden child. he was the child Endeavor genuinly cared about, and invested in, and trained personally with great warmth and enthusiasm.

And not only did he abandon him as a failed project the moment he realized he wasnt gonna live up to his ridiculous standards, but he literarily created 2 more kids to try and replace him, just as his oldest son was old enough to understand what exactly his dad was doing. over the course of this chapter, we get to see Touya’s start as a 5-8 year old, his deteriorating mental state over the years, until he finally seemed to reach the breaking point with Shoto’s birth sometime in his middle school years 12-15.

Endeavor is in this scene, just not capable of understanding why Touya so desperately wants to become a hero, when obviously he isnt physically able to do so. he isnt able to understand that he is 100% to blame for the fact that his son is having a full emotional breakdown after literaly being replaced by his siblings.

In other words, Endeavor genuinly think’s he’s a good person. a person who has made a few mistakes along the way sure, but a person who was always justified in the end, and now that he’s having to face the fact that as dabi would later say “The past never dies” and has to face the aftermath of his inane attempt to play god for the pettiest of reasons, things simply arent going to work out.

He isnt going to have a happy family, who can now put the awful early years behind them, he put way too much effort, caused too much suffering and sacrificed too many years of his life for this not to work out as he wants.

after all, if he walks away from this project now, and lets Shoto have a normal childhood, and decide for himself, with no pressure from him, wheter or not to become a hero, then the sunk cost fallacy will have reached a negative end. it will all have been for nothing.

and we know he did eventually double down on this mentality, literarily beating into Shoto that he WAS going to become a hero, and there was not but’s or no’s about it.

there was no way that Endeavor was EVER going to let things be for nothing. His treatment of his older children could not be for nothing. His treatment of his wife could not be for nothing. His treatment of Shoto, and the way he beat him black and blue to train him, could not be for nothing.

Because if it all was for nothing, if everything he feels guilty about was for absolutely nothing, then he was in fact, a bad, bad person, who had no justification for anything he ever did.

#my hero academia #touya todoroki #dabi #endeavor #endeavour #enji todoroki #rei todoroki #character study #301 #meta

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rommahh · 3 years

Text

I Carry Your Heart

Harry Styles x Reader

Word Count: 4k

{Ahhhh ok so this is my first work like ever. There will definitely be a second part because ive got more to say and it needs a second part. I hope whoever sees and reads this imagine enjoys it. I appreciate comments, likes, reblogs, ideas on what could go into the story, and any form of help and redirection as to how i should write things. Much love, R.}.

Part two

All Y/N wanted tonight was to hang out with her boyfriend, eat a mass amount of junk food, and watch a marvel movie or two. That was all she wanted and that was all she asked of her boyfriend. Instead of any of that happening, she found herself sitting on the nasty kitchen island of her boyfriend's frat at a party that she was trying to avoid going to.

This party was supposedly ‘the party of the year.’ The last rager before finals and then christmas break. Y/N had spent the whole week studying and finishing up end of semester projects hence the want for a chill night. When Harry came to her saying his frat was throwing a party tonight and that he just HAD to be here, Y/N didn't feel like she had a choice but to let him go. She came because she thought this would be the only time she would be able to have some time with Harry after a long week of barely seeing each other. With two vastly different majors, the couple wasnt able to find a lot of time in the middle of school work to make time for just the two of them. Obviously her hopes of quality time with her man were futile because here she was sitting by herself in the kitchen of the frat while Harry drank and got high with his friends in other parts of the house.

Of course she was disappointed. She felt a knot in her throat and a weight on her chest just sitting there in that kitchen. Her white claw was warm now- not that it was any cold when she opened it. She was starting to form a small headache from the too loud music and the ache in her heart was growing.

She stood from the countertop on the search for her boyfriend, hoping he wasn't too far gone from sober. Wiping the back of her jeans from anything that was left on the island, she began walking around the house. She doesn't remember the last time the two of them spent time together by themselves. Of course they occasionally ate dinner together in the dining hall but they were normally surrounded by friends. Y/N wanted to be alone with her boyfriend to talk and bask in his presence.

After pushing through groups of partying humans, she found Harry and at least ten other people sitting around playing some sort of drinking game.

“Y/N! Where have you been?” Luca, one of Harry's frat brothers yelled out to her from the circle. Luca was cool, he was one of the only tolerable boys in this frat aside from Harry. Hearing his girlfriend's name, Harry turned around from where he sat on the ground and reached out for his girlfriend to sit beside him. Much to Y/N’s dismay, Harry was wasted. His eyes were half mass and his words bumped and slurred together. “We are playing truth or dare, wanna play?” Luca asked.

“I don't wanna play but Ill sit and watch.” Sitting next to her boyfriend, she grabbed one of his hands holding it in her lap. She was annoyed at him but it did her no good to show it when he was this drunk.

This game of truth or dare was childish. Dares of licking people's shoes and taking multiple shots had been done and truths about money and relationships were being spilled among the group. It had finally become Harry’s turn to do something, making Y/N tense.

“Ok Harry, I dare you to…” One drunk frat boy started looking around the room trying to come up with something clever. His eyes landed on a pretty girl in the room, Yara, a stuck up girl who for sure got her way no matter what. “I dare you to kiss the hottest girl in the room- obviously not your girlfriend because that defeats the purpose.” The frat boy smirked knowing what his intentions were. Everyone in the group giggles and gasped shocked by the dare but ready to see what was going to go down. Y/N’s brows furrowed as she became angry with the stupid dare.

The ache in her chest seemed to tip over the edge when she felt her boyfriend in the room move to stand up. She grabbed at the bottom of his shirt as a way of stopping him. Harry halted his movements to look down at his girlfriend. He giggled a little.

“You’re not actually going to do this right?” She asked Harry with wide eyes of shock. Harry laughed at her like she made a joke, making her heart hurt even more.”Harry I do not want you to do this just take the shot and lose the dare.” Her tone held warning.

“Don't be silly of course I'm going to. It's just a dare, nothing serious. Don't be so clingy.” He stood walking over to Yara and planted a wet kiss on her mouth. Yara gripped Harry’s shirt and kissed him harder. The kiss went on for a few more seconds, the room absolutely silent out of shock. Harry stepped back from Yara slightly sobering up from his actions. Yara smirked at Y/N, hand gliding down the front of Harry's shirt.

Y/N stood from the seat she was in and scoffed. Scoffed because she should've known Harry would do something like this. Scoffed because it hurt to see her boyfriend do something so careless without any regard for his girl's feelings. She pulled herself together, feeling her throat tighten once again. She was quick to leave the room and down the hall of the frat.

Harry's clumsy steps could be heard from behind her as he mumbled her name. Or at least he tried to. He was still so out of it, his words not making much sense. Y/N was crying now, the strength that she had slowly dissolving as she walked further away from her boyfriend.

“Y/N wait. P-please wait. I cant-” Harry stumbled over his legs behind her falling into the grass of the front yard. The girl couldn't help but turn around looking at her stupid boyfriend. She was choking on sobs now. She wasn't crying over a measly little kiss but over an extreme amount of burnout from school and exhaustion from simply existing. She was crying because her boyfriend ignored her boundaries, crushing and erasing the boundaries she had set in their relationship. Harry tried reaching for her once she had stopped walking. His hand clasped around her wrist, he laid his head down on her shoulder. He hated seeing her cry even if he was too drunk to see why.

“Baby don't leave, Im-Im Sorry.” He hiccuped and burped due to the alcohol. Y/N felt her rage build. Shoving Harry off of her, she crossed her arms across her chest as a way to shield herself from Harry physically. He was hurt by her distance and the wall she put up around her.

“You're an idiot Harry. An idiot!” her sobs grew louder, some stray party goers watching in amusement- some even snapchatting it for shits and giggles. “I didnt want you to kiss her and you did. What provoked you to think that was ok? All I wanted was for us to hang out tonight and just be us and you did this!” She was yelling now. Her hurt is beyond her now. Anger and rage simmered throughout her body making her head dizzy and her fingers curl within themselves. She didnt like being angry. It wasn't an emotion she liked acting on, it felt impersonal.

“Baby I don't under-” Before Harry could finish his sentence he was barfing at his feet. Y/N stepped back disgusted with her boyfriend. She couldn't even feel remorseful because of how angry she was. Luca, the frat brother from earlier, caught up with Harry and his girl only to find Harry doubled over heaving. Luca wrapped his arms around Harry's shoulders.

“I'm sorry Luca but I can't do this tonight. Can you please make sure he gets some water and goes to bed. I-I can't do it tonight, I wish I could but I can't.” Y/N didn't want to leave her boyfriend in this state but she didn't deserve this. She wasn't going to care for her drunk boyfriend when all she wanted to do was care for herself. Selfishly, she enjoyed seeing him this way because of the anger he caused her.

Luca shook his head in understandment. “Of course, I'm really sorry for tonight. He's going to seriously regret this in the morning, especially since it will be circulating all over snapchat in the morning.” Luca waved to Y/N then proceeded to pull Harry into the house. Harry called out for Y/N not wanting to be away from her but Luca pulled him harder.

Harry woke up the next morning feeling like the bottom of a dumpster. He wasn't shocked by that. He knew he got trashed last night, he had planned to. He, just like Y/N, spent all week studying and completing projects while also fulfilling certain responsibilities for his frat. He wanted one night to be a normal teen. So he drank and drank and drank and maybe even smoked some weed. As he tried to recall last night's events he came up with nothing. He didn't understand why Y/N wasn't here with him like she normally would after a party on the weekend. They were normally always together during the weekend. A bad feeling loomed over him. He could tell something wasn't right but decided to put his feelings to the side.

He saw a bottle of water beside his bed making him think she was probably here and left early. Chugging the water he started to go through his socials to see if anyone had posted about the party. He had multiple tagged pics and videos in his notifications from snapchat. Way more than he normally would.

The first video he saw was a video of him and Y/N standing in the front yard of the frat house. Turning the volume all the way up he could hear Y/N yelling, it shocked him. She doesn't normally raise her voice, especially not at him. The angle changed showing her face which was red with anger, eyes filled with unshed tears. He could hear her yelling about him kissing someone else. He felt his heart stop. He had kissed someone else? On the next snap was a picture of him keeled over vomiting on his shoes with the caption saying, ‘are yall seeing this shit?’ Harry was embarrassed but he was more concerned than anything.

His head was hurting but it didn't stop him from rolling out of bed, washing up, and putting on a fresh set of clothes. He checked his phone hoping Y/N had messaged him but nothing was there. He walked into the kitchen only to see luca sitting at the counter eating cereal.

“Hey Harry….” Luca said warily. Luca pushed the cereal around his bowl feeling the tension begin to rise in the room. He felt horrible about his friends.

“Luca...what's up?” Harry was confused by Lucas' wariness.

“So do you remember anything about last night?” Luca asked, setting his cereal down in the sink behind him. Harry started playing with the frayed edges of a bracelet Y/N made for him. It had little beads with her name on it. They made them together at an event on campus.

“I don't, I only saw the videos of Y/N screaming at me. I think I fucked up but I- I don't know what happened.” Harry's cheek flushed with even more embarrassment. Luca awkwardly chuckled scratching the back of his neck.

“You got dared to kiss the hottest girl in the room and um actually did it in front of Y/N...even though she didn't want you to. Which led you guys outside and yeah you know the rest...Im sorry dude, I wish I had stopped you.”

“Who- who did I kiss?” Harrys stomach lurched when he heard Yara’s name come out of Lucas' name. Y/N didn't like Yara and it was understandable. Yara has been pining after Harry since their first year of college. Harry couldn't breathe. He felt disgusted with himself. He could only imagine how Y/N was feeling.

Y/N woke up the same morning, eyes puffy and crusty from tears and head hurting. She probably cried herself into dehydration. She was lucky enough to have no roommate because she wouldn't have wanted someone else to see her breakdown. She still couldn't believe last night went down the way it went down. She couldn't tell if she was just being overdramatic or if her emotions were in the right place. She didn't want to be mad at Harry. He was everything to her, she had an odd connection to him. Meeting him during their freshman welcome week they quickly became best friends with a growing romantic connection in the mix. They started dating before Christmas break. They had grown close so fast that he even came home with her to meet her family for the first few days of break. Even though they were in their junior year of college, Y/N could see them beyond college. She's imagined them getting married, travelling, sharing a home. She saw the whole future with him. She had her doubts though. He was immature just like every other boy in college. He was dumb with his actions and tended to only do things if they benefited him. He had a lot of growing to do as a person, so did she but she wanted to grow with him.

She heard a knock on her door hesitating to answer it because one, it could be Harry, and two, she looked like a wreck. Answering anyways, she was met with a very sorry looking Harry holding a small coffee and bagel from their cafe.

“Hi baby…” He sheepishly said holding out the items. She silently let him through the door not once looking him in the eye. He stepped into her room, setting her treats on her desk. He could see that her bed was messy meaning she recently woke up. Y/N never went about her day without making her bed. He turned back to her and finally their eyes met. He took in all of her facial features, from her puffy eyes, to her downturned lips that looked chapped, to her flushed cheeks that longed to be held for warmth. He hated to see her like this, the last time he saw her so upset was when her parents moved out of her childhood home. It took alot to make Y/N this upset. She was normally really headstrong and vigilant. She knew how to ease her way out of problematic situations and could talk her way through anything.

Harry opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Y/N holding her hand up in front of his face. “Don't talk. I'm really hurt Harry, so if your plan was to come over here and apologize over bagels- think again.” She snapped, backing up to put space between the two of them. She sat down on her bed while Harry pulled the desk chair out and sat down. He much preferred to be on the bed with her holding her tight but he didn't want to overstep boundaries.

“Love, I don't know where to begin. I'm really sorry for what happened last night. I was really drunk and obviously wasn't in the right headspace.” Harry reached out and touched the tips of her fingers with his. She wanted to move but it felt good to be touched by Harry.

“I told you that a measly little apology won't do Harry. I didn't want you to kiss Yara and you did anyway. You know how Yara feels about you and you just let it happen!” She pulled her hand away remembering the prior night's events. Harry felt himself getting angry too. He felt like he needed to defend himself- even though it would be a very bad idea.

“I think you're being over dramatic.” Wrong move Harry. “It wasn't like I was making out with her!”

“You're joking right?” She scoffed and scooted further up her bed to create more distance. “Harry it's the simple fact that you did something that made me uncomfortable that shouldn't have even happened. I see myself getting married to you and it makes me worry that right now in our relationship you can't respect my boundaries!” She yelled. Harry’s eyes widened as he laughed sarcastically.

“Married? What the fuck are you on about? I'm a junior in college. In what world would it make sense for me to be prepping a relationship for marriage? Once again I think you're being over dramatic.” Her eyes watered hearing Harry's statement.

“I- I guess I'm the only one in this relationship thinking about the future? I thought we were on the same page. I'm not planning our marriage now, obviously. I'm thinking about how elements of our relationship now could play out in the future when we do want to get married. You cheated on me last night. I went to a party you begged ME to go to only to be there for you. I wanted to be here cuddling with you, pigging out on fast food but I was at a party with you and got cheated on!” Her volume rises once again, making Harry shove his chair from underneath him when he stands up.

“You're doing too much right now. I'm not planning a future right now because I don't want this future! I want to be myself without thinking about how to appease my girlfriend. I invited you to the party so you could lighten the fuck up. I love you, I do, but I'm not thinking of marriage and futures. I'm thinking about my life right now and having fun.” Harry snapped right back at her. Her chin wobbled. Obviously her and Harry were on different pages. It hurt so much to hear him say that he didn't want a future with her. Harry didn't mean it though.

“Ok, well I guess that's my fault for assuming we were thinking along the same lines. Um, I don't want to hold you back from being yourself so with that being said, you are a free man Harry.” She pushed herself up from her bed walking to the door ready to escort Harry out.

“Huh? Love, what?” Harry was confused on how they got to this point. Just a few days ago they were in love, meeting in the library to share a lunch and exchanging sweet words determined by their love.

“Listen I have a day full of exams tomorrow so if you could just leave that would be best. You don't really want this so I'm letting you go, Harry.” She had tears rolling down her face, falling from her eyes down to her chin where they fell to the ground in droplets. Harry’s eyes welled up watching his love cry before him.

“I don't-”

“Harry, leave, please.” She opened the door making room for him to go through. He walked through the door turning to look at her. She turned her face away from him whispering a small goodbye before shutting the door. Harry was left in the silent hallway, so silent he could hear his thoughts and the tears hitting the tile floor beneath him. He thinks he stood there for at least thirty more minutes before accepting what had happened and walking away.

Leaving Y/N in her room sobbing like she had never done before. Her tears coated her face and she thought her head could explode right then and there. She didn't want to accept what had happened but she had priorities. She composed herself enough to start studying for her exams.

The week rolled by quickly, Monday meeting Friday in a flash. Exams were done and Christmas break was on the horizon. Students were piling off of campus in a hurry ready to get home to their loved ones. People were outside by cars loading up their winter necessaries and saying their goodbyes to their close friends.

Harry cried everyday this week. He wasn't normally a crier. He hated crying, he hated the feeling of crying and the headache that came from it. He cried because he realized how wrong he was. He missed Y/N. He missed finals week dinner together where they tried to get off campus at least once and be alone for a moment. He missed watching her relax while eating food that wasn't from their school's cafeteria. He would pay for their meal just so she could have one less thing to worry about. They would normally get frozen yogurt right after too, Y/N getting as many toppings as she wanted because Harry would be the one paying. He missed her tight after exam hugs. She would squeeze his shoulders tight, smiling into his neck, telling him how proud she was of him. She would bring him tea in the morning when they met for breakfast. Sometimes they would spend the night in one or the others room so they could have time together to destress and just talk.

Y/N wasn't doing any better. She normally went into exam week feeling confident. She studied too hard not to. But this week she felt like shit. Her heart hurt and she kept thinking about the fight. She feels like she overreacted but hearing Harry talk about their lack of a future hurt nonetheless. She really assumed that they did have a future that included marriage and a life together. She didn't understand where his sudden lack of commitment came from. She regretted dumping him but at the same time she wished he did more to get them back together but he was silent. He hasn't contacted her at all and avoided all of their spots on campus all together.

She stood by her car prepping for her six hours car ride back home. Packing away her clothes and some essentials in the trunk of her car, she heard light footsteps behind her. Closing her trunk she turned to see Harry standing with his hands in his pockets.

“Hi.” He said. She looked at him, putting her own hands in her pockets. It was cold outside, the nippy air hinting at a possibility of snow.

“Hi Harry.” They shared a moment of silence together. Just staring at each other. It felt good to be near each other again. They felt like they could breathe again.

“I had to see you before you left. I know the break is only a month but I didn't want to leave without seeing you.” He replied quietly. She made him feel so shy. Her beauty always made him awestruck. Even in a hoodie with their college's logo and some large sweatpants and some fuzzy crocs, she was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

“I don't know what to say harry.”

“It's ok. I don't deserve anything from you after what I said. I just wanted to apologize and wish you a good break before you left. I also wanted to give you this.” He pulled a small box and envelope out of the front pocket of his backpack. “I know we agreed on no presents but I think thats a dumb rule and I love you too much to not get you something.” She smiled at his words, taking the gift from his hands.

“Thank you Harry, it means a lot to me. So what are your plans for a break?” She asked him, the tension that was in the air slowly dissipating.

“I couldn't get a flight home until next wednesday so i'll stay here on campus until then.” He shrugged.

“Oh ok. Well tell Anne I said hi. I have to go Harry but I'll see you after the break, ok?” She didn't want to leave him but she didn't want to drive through the dark.

“Ok, love. Drive safe. I lov- I mean have a good break.” Her chest tightened at his hesitation. She wants to hear him say the words but she knows he won't.

“Have a good break Harry.” She whispered. Before getting in her car she stood on her toes placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Rubbing her thumb across his cheek and turning away and into her car.

She drove away knowing that her heart was left in that parking lot in the hands of someone she loves way too much.

Harry stood in the parking lot watching his heart drive away for winter wanting nothing more than to be with her.

Part two

#harry styles x reader #frat!harry #i carry your heart #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles #harry styles x y/n #college!harry #part 2 coming soon #harry styles smut #fratrry #boyfriend!harry

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