#where the church isn’t involved at all lol
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i’m gonna be trying to cut down my screentime for the next six weeks so if there’s something cool - fic, art, a funny post - that you see and think i’d like, even if we don’t talk (or even have never talked!), i’d love if you wanted to tag me/dm me/drop me a link to it!! open invitation, it would really make my day
#i’m truly not catholic at all except. for lent somehow#it’s just a tradition that has brought me a lot of growth and peace the way i practice it now#where the church isn’t involved at all lol#so i keep doing it! and this year i’m doing a few things to be more present in my life in the way i would like to be#and less screentime is one of them#but there is SO MUCH beautiful art and fic going around that i would still love to be able to appreciate it!!#so yeah pls hmu if u feel like it id love it
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the things we lost | s.k
A/N: THIS IS SO LONG IM SO SORRY
Synopsis: you’ve spent all your life sheltered and it was hard to find something that gave you any freedom, until you found him
Genre: ANGST, but fluff too lol, SLIGHT smut (It’s not very descriptive I’m not good at it lol)
Warnings: N/A
Word count: 10.8k
Pairings: student!Sakusa x student!reader, timeskip!Sakusa x f!reader, Kuroo x f!reader (kinda not really)
Main Masterlist
There were some secrets you kept close to your heart. You had to, because if they knew, he’d disappear.
You were born into an influential and wealthy family. It was all you really knew. You went to school at a relatively normal place but that was only after begging and promising that you would continue to go to church every Sunday.
That was probably one of your best and worst decisions. It’s where you met him, Sakusa Kiyoomi, star volleyball player and overall introvert.
How you became acquainted to him, you have to give all the credit to your poetry class. Your parents controlled a lot of your life and part of that control was making sure you were kept in the dark of being independent. They needed you more than you knew and while you tried to learn about how to live on your own, it was hard.
Why would the number two high school spiker in the prefecture be in your poetry class? Kiyoomi didn’t have many things to be passionate about, and while poetry was not a passion he had, he enjoyed it more than taking another standard English class.
Your friendship was very slow. By the third week of school you finally talked to him as the teacher paired you to find meaning in the poetry handout. It was simple, as you expected it to be Robert Frost. You rolled your eyes at the text. You knew this class was something people normally took for the hell of it, but you still expected a bit more.
Much to your surprise, your partner snorted behind his mask at the text, shaking his head. “Not a fan of Robert Frost?” You posed.
He stopped to look at you before looking back at the paper. He shook his head again. “I’m a fan, just… have better preferences.”
You nod. “What other poets?”
He sighed before propping his elbows on his thighs. “Maya Angelou for a start. Dickinson. Thoreau. Frost is good, but… I’ve read this poem so many times.”
“Angelou is a good one. I get what you mean. I think there are other Frost poems that we could have looked at.” You smile and extend your hand. “I’m y/n.”
He doesn’t take it, just offers you a nod in response. “Kiyoomi.” You don’t judge, nor do you ask why he doesn’t shake your hand, you just smile.
“Well, I’m glad I have a friend in this class who isn’t completely oblivious.” He nods before peeling his eyes away from you and back onto his paper.
Kiyoomi didn’t have people he would call friends. He had Komori, but he was family. There were his teammates on the VBC but he wouldn’t say they were close. Yet, here you were claiming friendship.
He didn’t know you very well. You weren’t involved in sports throughout high school or any clubs he knew of. Once the school bell rang you always left in a sleek black car. He started paying attention to you.
Your poetry class always offered you solace, and Kiyoomi’s company was always welcomed. He was honest to a fault, it was hard for him to lie. You liked that about him a lot. In return, you were an enigma. You told him everything he wanted to know about you, yet he still felt like he didn’t know you as well as he wished he did.
When you got to school one morning you saw Kiyoomi standing by the gates alone. Once your driver left you walked up to him. “Good morning stranger.”
With hands in his pockets he turned to you. His mask was on, and although you couldn’t see it, he grinned. “Hi y/n.” You smiled and the two of you walked inside together. He always let you talk, listening to anything and everything you had to say to him. It was such a contrast to your home life and you adored his attention. You loved that he let you go on and on without saying a word. But he listened.
You knew he listened to you when he came to school one day with a bar of that candy your parents never let you have. You knew he listened when he bought you a single lily for your birthday after telling him that was your middle name. He also gave you a hug that day and took his mask off to smile at you.
Kiyoomi listened to you always, and after some time, he let you listen to him every now and then. He wasn’t talkative even in private, but he did let you in, and he told you some admittance that he wasn’t really sure what he wanted to do.
“Are you going to pursue volleyball Kiyoomi?” You had asked him one morning on your walk to class.
He shrugged. “Probably. I’m not very good at much else.”
You shook your head, “Don’t say that, you’re very perceptive and intuitive. You have a knack for everything you put your mind to.” A little grin appears on his face, but you don’t comment on it and just smile silently to yourself.
It was hard for the two of you to hang out outside of school. Kiyoomi had volleyball and you were watched over all the time. But one thing you had that was your own for the most part was your phone. You exchanged numbers with the spiker quickly.
Over text was a bit harder to get the hang of Kiyoomi’s naturally quiet front, but after a little bit you started getting a selfie here and there. It was just him looking down at the camera with a small smile on his face.
Kiyoomi: Practice is over, gonna shower and go to sleep
The spiker was always very direct in what he had to say, but you appreciated he always let you know what he was doing.
You: How was it? Are you nervous for the first game?
Kiyoomi: No, I think it’ll be fine.
You smiled, happy he was feeling confident.
Kiyoomi: … Are you okay?
His question caught you off guard. You had told Kiyoomi bits and pieces of your strict family and that they had a lot of political power in East Asia. You would tell him how difficult it was and how even when you’re alone you feel watched.
His question, out of concern, made your heart melt.
You: Everything is okay. Nothing out of the usual.
From the other side of the phone Kiyoomi grimaced. He didn’t love the answer, but he didn’t know what he could do to help.
Kiyoomi: Do you want to come to the game this week?
A smile broke out on your face, but the reality was you couldn’t go. You weren’t sure how you were going to evade your parents’ questions, but Kiyoomi was always ahead of you.
Kiyoomi: You could bring Bee.
Your younger brother was fascinated with volleyball, and you knew your parents would let you take him.
You: I wouldn’t miss it.
Kiyoomi’s mood lifted tenfold and Komori questioned the look in his eye, but he just tried to brush it off.
“You don’t have to lie Kiyoomi, I know who y/n is.” Kiyoomi didn’t say anything to his cousin, he just hummed and continued on. A new and warm feeling as his heart beat a little faster in his chest.
It didn’t take much convincing to get your brother on board. He was only two years younger and he went to an all boys school that didn’t have volleyball in it.
Pretty soon it was time for the game.
“Why do you want to go to the game y/n?” Your brother asked eating a chocolate bar. Although he was your younger brother, he grew almost a foot taller than you already.
“I have a friend playing on the team.” You two rarely ever hid anything from each other, both being denied some normalcy and control over your lives. You had each others’ backs.
But you wanted Kiyoomi to be your own, just for a little while longer.
Bee didn’t push, he trusted you and he was glad you were with him, that you had some relief from your strained lives.
You wore your school colors, some glitter here and there, but when Kiyoomi spotted you, he honed in on the lily pin on your shirt. It was the same lily he gave you. You had it made frozen into a pin. He pinched his side to keep himself from getting overly excited to see you.
However, you had no reservations. It was only you and Bee and Kiyoomi. You waved over at him and had the biggest smile on your face. You mouthed good luck to him and he smiled back at you so you knew he saw you.
“Wow. He’s huge y/n.” Your brother’s eyes widened looking at the senior spiker. He was a bit envious he got to pursue this career, but he still watched him play in awe.
It wasn’t even a close game. You felt bad for the other team, but you also wished the game could have gone on a little longer. Watching Kiyoomi play was a different beast in itself. His normal quiet and reserved aura was gone as he spiked hitting the ball with an incredible amount of force you never knew he had. He was rough and he played hard.
Throughout the game he stole small glances in your direction. Small smiles here and there and you would return them.
Your brother would laugh and elbow you. “I think he likes you.” He would be lying to say he doesn’t want to meet your spiker friend. And you do meet him after everyone has shuffled away. He has a towel hanging around his neck still a little sweaty.
He surprises you by bringing an arm around your shoulder and you put yours around his waist, squeezing his hip to silently tell him he did a great job before letting go.
Bee sticks out his hand and with much internal debate, Kiyoomi shook it. You looked at him in awe. “It’s nice to meet you Sakusa, you were- wow you were all really awesome.” You giggled at how cute your brother was.
“Thanks for coming.” Kiyoomi grinned. “Do you play?”
Bee shakes his head. “No, I wish, but I had a great time watching you guys. Your last dig was insane.”
Komori appeared at Kiyoomi’s side, poking him lightly. “Don’t compliment him too much, he’ll get a big head.”
Your brother’s eyes widened seeing the libero. “You were great too, you saved them so many times.” Kiyoomi rolled his eyes as his cousin relished in the praise.
“You should come by some time after school, we practice almost everyday.” Komori offered and Kiyoomi nodded.
“Are you sure.” You asked Komori, you didn’t want to intrude.
“Positive.” Komori winked.
Komori took your brother to look around the gym and he went excitedly. His cousin winked at the two of you before leaving you in the empty gym. “You were awesome out there today.”
He nods, slowly reaching for your hand, and you let him take his time to get to you. “Thank you for coming… it- it meant a lot.”
You look down at your intertwined hands with a smile before beaming up at him. “I’m so happy I was able to make it.”
You knew your height difference with the spiker was great, but standing so close and looking up at him really put it into perspective for you. He was nervous. More nervous than he’s ever been before, but he works slowly. Kiyoomi leans down till he’s very close to you, watching you to see if there’s any sign that you don’t want to.
“Can I?” He asks softly.
“Please.” You didn’t realize you were holding your breath till you spoke, and its taken from you again when Kiyoomi finally touches his lips to yours, hands still intertwined.
It was slow, and soft, a great contrast to your erratic heart which beat so wildly. Kiyoomi was careful, he kissed you with great care and although this was all new to him, he was becoming impatient with himself. He wanted to move faster, to hold you close. Thoughts like these would at one point repulse him, but it was you. You were anything but.
Begrudgingly, he let you go, leaving a soft kiss on your nose before rising back up to his height. You were blushing hard, he saw your flustered look and chuckled.
He held your other hand and waited for you to look at him. “I want… this. With you. Do-“ he sighed, unsure what to ask from you really.
But you knew. “Yes.” You whispered back. “I want this, with you.”
He smiled. “Okay.”
“Okay.” You giggled.
Your brother and Komori came back right in time and you had to take Bee home. Your driver would be there at any moment.
“Goodnight y/n and Bee.” Kiyoomi waved and tapped your lower back. You waved at the both of them before leaving.
“Thank you for taking me, y/n.” Your brother said getting into the car.
“Thank you, Bee.” You smiled and pursed your lips. You never wanted to forget the feel of Kiyoomi’s lips on yours.
Before you got into bed your phone rang.
“Hello?” You said.
“Hi.” Your heart picked up the pace at the sound of his voice.
“Good evening Kiyoomi.” You giggled. “I’m heading to bed, you should too, it’s late.”
He nodded from the other side. “I just wanted to wish you goodnight, and sweet dreams.”
“Sweet dreams Kiyoomi.” You hung up and slept peacefully, your smile never leaving your face.
You’ve only really known Kiyoomi for almost three months and yet, it feels like a lifetime. He always waited for you at the gate. He held your hand when he could and you loved it. Bee came to practice after school, telling your parents he was just going to spend time with you at the school library.
Christmas break was starting soon and Kiyoomi hated the idea of being away from you even for a few weeks.
In a flash it was your last day before break and you had prepared a gift for Kiyoomi as he had for you. He snuck up behind you an arm on your waist before kissing your cheek. You laughed closing your locker and turning to your boyfriend before kissing his cheek lightly.
“How was your day?” He asked.
“Much better now, I have a gift for you.” You held out the neatly wrapped present. “Open it.” He let go of you and started unwrapping your gift and he found a small necklace along with a small photo book and CDs of songs that remind you of him.
“This is wonderful.” He gives you a hug and places his gifts in his bag and asking you to place the necklace on him. It was small, but it held a picture of the two you on the inside. “Here’s yours, it’s not much, but I hope you like it.”
You smile and grab your present. It’s a notebook and on the inside it reads: “To: y/n l/n. Love came down at Christmas, / Love all lovely, Love Divine; … / Love shall be our token, / Love be yours and love be mine, -Christina Rossetti”
You looked up at Kiyoomi to see that shy look on his face. “I love you y/n.” He said softly. Immediately, you crush him to you and he doesn’t mind, he wraps his arms around you holding you tight.
“I love you Kiyoomi. I do.” He’s happier than he’s ever been before and places a small kiss on your lips.
“I’ll see you soon my pretty lily.”
The two of you talked all throughout your winter break, unable to visit each other, but you talked all the time. Pretty soon you were back at school and seeing the rustic gates never made you happier.
Spring came very soon and you worried about Kiyoomi’s spring tournament. You hoped he could win for his last year.
However, when you got home one day, you faced more pressing matters. Bee had a gloomy look on his face. “What’s going on?” You questioned walking into the room seeing your parents seated together on the sofa.
“Sit y/n.” They motioned and you did so. “In order to maintain status in the Tokyo region you’re going to have an engagement to Kuroo Tetsuro.” Your eyes widen.
“No.” You shook your head. “I’m 18 I don’t have to- I- no.” Your lips trembled as you swallowed harshly. Bee placed his hand on your back to try to console you.
“There’s nothing you can do y/n. Where else will you go?” They stated pointedly. “You’ll be married to him and have a son, the sooner the better.” You were in terrible shock, and pure fear.
“I have to go I can’t-“ You rushed out of the door without your phone. Bee called for you pleadingly. “I’m going to a friend’s house.” Your parents worriedly went out to try to stop you but you were gone.
Bee covered for you, he always would. He knew you went to Kiyoomi’s but called his girlfriend and pretended you were with her. Your parents let you stay for the night, but they expected you back the next day. Bee texted Kiyoomi and he saw the text right before you knocked on his door. Worried, he rushed to open it and you were quick to squeeze him to you. Relief consuming you as he held you while you cried.
“Please tell me what’s wrong y/n.” He pleaded picking you up and bringing him to his room. He laid down next to you on his bed and just held you.
“My parents-“ you didn’t want to tell him. To burden him to running away with you and leaving everything behind. “They’re saying I can’t go to college.” It was a half lie.
He rubbed your back soothingly, kissing the top of your head letting you know you were okay. After your cries had dwindled you looked up at him. HIs beautiful curly hair laid out beside you and his two moles which you always found adorable made him look perfect.
You kissed his moles then his nose and his eyes. His heart was beating so fast and it was hard to keep to himself when all he wanted to do was to touch you. You leaned in and kissed him harshly, and by then all ration flew out the window.
He maneuvered on top of you, his hair falling down towards you and you tangled your hands in it pushing up into him. He groaned at your sudden movements and pulled away painstakingly. “Y/n, I don’t- If you don’t want to, we don’t have to, you were upset and-“
You sat up and kissed him again. “I want to. I promise.” You brought his hand to your heart. “I love you.”
He took it slow with you. Slowly removed your clothes and his, he slowly loved every single part of you. He felt his heart would burst from just looking at you. “I don’t have- um.”
“It’s okay, we can just be careful.” While rationally, he knew that would not be the best bet, he was willing to take the chance because he wanted you. He wanted all of you as selfish as that may be. “Just… slow. I’ve never-“
“Me either.” He chuckled kissing your cheek. “Just look at me.” You nodded biting your lip as he made his way in slowly. Your breath got caught in your throat from the discomfort. “You tell me okay my love? Are you okay?”
You nod. “Slow.” You breathed out. And eventually, there you were, connected completely holding still. His head was buried in the crook of your neck as you both held onto each other for comfort. “You can move, Kiyoomi.”
He brought his head up and did as you asked. Although he had the urge to be fast with you, he didn’t want to. He was slow and watched you from above, how you moved, how you responded, and the way you smiled lovingly at him. “You’re beautiful y/n. I love you, so much.”
You replied with the same notion and kissed him till you were both spent.
You always thought that sex was an animalistic type of interaction, and maybe sometimes it was. Not that that was a bad thing, but this… this was happiness. It was two people who loved each other more than life itself, and more than anyone could really comprehend. It was love in the purest form.
Kiyoomi cleaned everything up and he promised to buy you medicine tomorrow before settling in bed, holding you close. His parents were out, they usually went on long stretches of trips leaving Kiyoomi alone, but for the first time ever, he wasn’t alone, and you were comforted for the first time by someone’s gaze on you.
The next day you woke up early and Kiyoomi had you take the plan b and made you a lovely breakfast. Bee was there to pick you up and you tearfully said goodbye to Kiyoomi who had just as hard of a time letting you go.
He thought about a lot of things after you left. He wanted to take care of you and to be there in every way he could be, and he came to less than lovely conclusions.
It was your graduation. You’d planned on asking him to run away with you, and hopefully although it was crazy, he’d say yes.
When you went up to him he looked distant and you knew something was wrong. “Kiyoomi? Are you okay?”
“I have to leave y/n.” Your heart dropped. “I can’t give you a good life like this, I need to make something of myself before I can.”
You shook your head. “I don’t want anything lavish, I just- I just want a life- with you.” His heart broke to see how distraught you looked and he had to look away to prevent his eyes from betraying him.
“You should stay with your parents, they’ll take care of you, much better than I could right now.”
“No, you take such good care of me, please don’t leave me- Kiyoomi please my love.” You sobbed reaching for him and he let you grab onto him. He crushed you against him, his shoulders shaking from how hard he was trying not to cry.
He kissed the top of your head. He wanted to take care of you, give you a good life, but he didn’t have any of that. His parents wanted him out as soon as he graduated, and he couldn’t ask you to live couch to couch with him. “I love you.”
“Then why are you doing this.” His chest hurt, terribly. He wanted to scratch at it until it stopped.
“You deserve much better than what I am right now.”
“But you’re all I want Kiyoomi.” You cried, your tears staining his dress shirt. He kissed the top of your head again and said he loved you. He pulled himself away from you and walking away listening to you cry was perhaps the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. But he knew, you needed him just as much as he needed you. He wanted to give you the world, and he would come back when he could do that.
When he let go you crumbled onto the grass, your pillar, your best friend, the love of your life was gone. And you screamed, you screamed until it felt like your lungs were bleeding. You were in pure anguish. You didn’t care who heard, you didn’t care who watched, there was a hole in your chest that left you in pure agony. You couldn’t bear it. You slammed your hands on the ground as it began to rain and you hoped it would wash away all of your hurt.
But it didn’t.
Bee found you and he was horrified to see you shaking in the rain. He carried you to the car and you sniffled the whole way home, feeling more alone than you have since you met Sakusa Kiyoomi.
After you bathed and you got into bed you tried calling him and texting, but it was no use. He was gone.
You met the man you were to marry soon after. The state you were in was not one made to meet your future husband.
The two of you were seated on a bench and you were looking everywhere else but at him. “I know I’m not your first choice, or a choice at all, I too have… my heart elsewhere so I think we can come to understand each other.”
You tilted your head to the side. “We still have to have a son.” You mumbled.
“We can do IVF of sorts, I don’t think they’ll find out about that. I’m sorry you have to endure a pregnancy you might not want, but they will know if you don’t.” You nod and listen to him tell you about his lover. It was a man who passed away and his parents did not know, perhaps he had as much of a backbone as you did, therefore none at all.
Kuroo was kind. He allowed you the freedom to roam as you pleased and he never denied you anything. He even allowed you to see the man you loved, but that only caused your heart to ache and you cried all over him. He comforted you as you tried to explain your first love and how he inevitably became your first heartbreak.
Your fiancé became your most trusted partner and you adored him in a brotherly sisterly way. The wedding came by and you were dazed for most of it. You then went on your honeymoon and soon enough you were pregnant.
The pregnancy was perhaps the happiest part. You were in love with a child you didn’t even know yet. You prayed to any god who would listen that they would be a boy. You didn’t want to go through that again.
You would speak lovingly to your pregnant belly, telling them how much you loved them and how much their father loved them. You promised to protect them and make sure they had a different life to yours. They would not be told what to do and they will be able to take care of themselves no matter what.
“Mommy and Daddy love you so much my angel. I can’t wait to see you.” You would write in your journal everyday, writing about how happy you were with your little bean and how excited you were to be a mother. Although at first, you had suffered with the notion. You were freshly 18 and barely married.
It was scary, but Tetsuro had become a confidant for you, a friend in your time of need. He understood you better than you would think and you understood him. In different circumstances, the both of you think you could really love each other romantically, but you weren’t Kenma, and he wasn’t Kiyoomi. Simple as that.
No matter what, he loved you as best as he could and you loved him, your friend and your partner till the foreseeable future.
When you son was born, he was there, holding your hand and telling you how amazing you are for doing this and how strong you were. You cried looking at your son. Your tears fell and they kept falling. He was beautiful, love in its purest form, something you’ve felt once before. You cried for the joy and for the sadness of not having Kiyoomi there to hold your hand, to tell you he loved you and he was so proud of you.
Your son was named Kota and he truly was your whole world. If you couldn’t do anything else you did your damndest to be a good mother. And you were. You were an amazing mother given the circumstances.
Kuroo took care of the two of you, his parents and yours obviously financially helping as Kuroo went to school and works for the Japan Volleyball Association Sports Promotion Division.
The two of you celebrated Kota’s first birthday with Bee and both your parents. Then his second, his third, and his fourth. Your son’s hair was a dark color that fell in waves and his eyes mimicked your own.
Sending him to school was hard, he was very confused, but he took it head on and he ended up loving it. Kuroo would always pick him up on Wednesdays, but this time you went together. The school had some famous players come by to teach the older students, but your son had managed to sneak in. He was a bit taller than most kids his age, so you can see how he may have been confused.
The two of you stepped into the gym and you spotted your son immediately. “Kota, my love. Come here.” Your son turns and a smile stretches on his face, his father’s smile.
“Mommy!” He runs and wraps his little arms around your legs. You laughed picking him up and he looked to Kuroo. “Hi Daddy.” Kuroo tickles his neck and giggles erupt from him. “Mommy, I learned how to spike.”
“Wow, you’re going to have to show me when we get home my love.” You kissed his cheek.
“This sensei showed me.” He points to the man only a few feet from you. He saw you way before you even noticed he was there. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, you were here, in an elementary school with a kid… your son.
Your breath hitched and you felt like you were 18 again. The pain and the hurt from his absence returning to you and you couldn’t stay there any longer. You turned to leave and Kuroo noticed your whole demeanor change. He was confused, but he looked to the man ahead of you. He looked familiar, when he tilted his head and the moles on his temple shown through, he knew. His son had those exact same birth marks and the same frumpy hair.
Kuroo stepped forward and went up to him extending his hand. “Hello Sakusa-san.” Kiyoomi didn’t shake his hand, he couldn’t. He was looking at your husband, the father of your child. Kuroo doesn’t miss a beat and takes back his hand. “I believe you know my wife?” It stings, Kuroo did that on purpose, to see if Kiyoomi was worth it, if he still cared about you. And he did. His breathing was uneven and he was pale. Kuroo took out a paper and scribbled a number on it before handing it to Kiyoomi. “This is Bee’s number, y/n’s brother. I assume you know him.” Kiyoomi nods slowly. “Tell him I gave his number to you, and he’ll talk to you.” Kuroo sighs putting his hands in his pockets. “I’m going to ask you just be mindful when you talk to her.”
Kiyoomi had tried to find you. He had been looking for you for a year now, but your parents moved and everyone’s numbers were changed. He didn’t know what to do. You didn’t have any socials and it was so hard. He finally made a good life for the two of you and you were gone.
Once Kiyoomi was done with the camp the boys bothered him to ask what was wrong but he couldn’t deal with them, not today of all days and he left without a word. He called the number immediately when he got home and he heard Bee’s voice, older and more serious. “Hello?”
“Kuroo told me to call. It’s Kiyoomi.” Bee sighs into the phone nodding.
“Been a long time Sakusa-san.”
Kiyoomi was nervous and he didn’t know what was going on or why he was talking to your brother. “I’m not sure why he told me to call you.”
“Can you meet up tomorrow, around noon?” Kiyoomi hums in agreement and jots down the location before hanging up.
He meets Bee at a small cafe and he’s already there waiting for him, which is very odd since Kiyoomi was already 15 minutes early. He took a seat across from Bee, he was older and not the kid he met all that time ago.
“Nice to see you Kiyoomi.” He grins.
“You too.” Kiyoomi mumbled softly before sitting down. “What’s- what’s going on?”
Bee sighed and took a sip of his coffee. “Do you have time?” Kiyoomi nods and allows Bee to start. “Our parents, well- you know they’re important in the political world of Japan. These people… they’re old fashioned, so, to keep ties so to speak they marry off their children- the girls.” His heart drops to the ground, it was hard to breathe, hard to keep his composure and not lose it. “We tried so hard for her not- to not get married. But our parents are nothing if not relentless.” Bee’s shoulders slump from the memory. “That night she stayed with you, that’s when we found out.”
Kiyoomi shook his head. “No. She said they wouldn’t let her go to college.”
Your brother chuckles humorlessly and shakes his head. “She didn’t want you to know cause she loved you.” Kiyoomi’s chest is tight and he clenches his fist from the anxiety. “We couldn’t think of anything to help her, but she eventually said she would tell you and maybe the two of you could run away together and she would call me to give me her address and all that.” His world falls for the third time and he’s not sure there was anything he could have done to prevent the stray tear from falling. His head hurt and he wanted to crawl into a ball and never leave his room. “But then… well I’m not sure what happened. All she ever told me was you wanted to get ahead and work on your career. She got married. And she loves him.” A punch to the gut is what it was. “Not in the way you’re probably thinking. Kuroo had a lover that passed and I assume it’s the same way she feels about you. They’re happy being friends and co-parents, and my sister… they made her have a kid, a son.” While he’s only slightly relieved from knowing you were taken care of, he’s devastated you had to endure all this alone. “She was pregnant pretty much following the wedding, Kuroo said you saw him.”
“Kota.” He croaked out. He learned your sons name when he proudly came up to him and told Kiyoomi he was going to be an amazing volleyball player. “He’s a good kid.”
Bee nods. “He’s the best. You… did you see him Sakusa?” The spiker nods sadly and solemnly. “Are you sure?” Kiyoomi’s face scrunches up, confused as to what Bee was telling him. “You’re telling me that you really believe that Kota, the kid who’s too tall for his own good with curly black hair and two moles on his temple is Kuroo and my sister’s kid? I thought you were smart Kiyoomi.”
Just as all this new information was settling he was hit again with another whirlwind of news. “He’s- he’s my son?” He choked out and Bee nodded. Now that he thinks about it he can see it. If he had stopped to look at Kota for more than two seconds he would have realized that. But it hit him harder when he realized you were alone, he left you alone to love your son by yourself. He squeezed his eyes shut praying this was a nightmare and to not cry in a cafe of all places.
“My sister and her husband have been raising him, and the only ones who know you’re his biological dad are me, Kuroo and my sister.” Bee finishes the last of his coffee and places the mug down. “Kuroo and I planned what to do if we ever found you, we all were trying to find you for a while, but we stopped. This is my sister’s number.” He slides him a small piece of paper. “From here on out it’s her decision what to do and what she wants from you, I hope you’ll do good on it.” Bee then gets up and pats Kiyoomi on the back before leaving the cafe.
Kiyoomi waited a week to call you.
He was scared that you wouldn’t want him anymore, that you would tell him to screw off and never talk to you again. Unfortunately, the reality would prove to be worse than he imagined.
You answer the phone confused. “Hello?”
“Y/n.” He breathes out. You answered. He just hopes you don’t hang up. But you don’t say anything. You’re afraid if you open your mouth you’ll spill and fall all over again. All your hard work to get over him, or at the very least not think about him every second of the day. “… pretty lily.” He whispers and wonders if you heard it.
It’s proven to be true when he hears you breath out, your hand over your mouth sobbing silently. It’s been years since you heard his voice and it was different. You cried because you didn’t know his new voice, it had remnants of the boy you loved, but this was more mature, he was a man now. You cried because you didn’t know what else changed, and you were scared to know.
“I’m sorry.” He choked out. “I’m so sorry y/n. I’m sorry I’m sorry- fuck, I’m sorry.” Kiyoomi kept chanting apologies to you, as if it would help. As if your heart wasn’t breaking at the seams because you couldn’t remember his voice.
The two of you sobbed on the phone for what felt like hours. You were angry and sad because he took himself away from you.
Kiyoomi breathed in before speaking again. “You can say no, but if you could -maybe- meet with me whenever you can?”
You nod slowly, but he can’t see you and you seem to forget. “Okay.” You mumble. “Where?”
“My apartment?” Kiyoomi’s eyes widen realizing you might not feel comfortable going to his. “Or- you know, somewhere public - a restaurant or-“
“Send me your address.” You respond quickly. “I-“
“Mommy! Is it bath time?” Kota’s voice brings you back to the present. You’re not a teenager anymore, you have bigger responsibilities now.
You smile and squint your eyes so he doesn’t see how red they are. “Yes my love. Go to the bathroom and I’ll be there in a moment.” Kota skips happily towards the bathroom, he was the best behaved little boy you ever met. “I have to go.”
Kiyoomi nods, choked up from hearing his son’s voice and yours. “Okay, I’ll see you soon.” You hum before hanging up. It’s hard to breathe, hard to collect your thoughts and scramble back to being a mother and not just a girl in love.
You got your son in his jammies after his shower and you had shower with your husband, tucking your son into bed after reading him a story.
Kuroo and you are sitting in your room watching a show, but you’re obviously elsewhere and he can tell. He’s your best friend. “Sweetheart,” he mumbles. “Are you alright?”
You shake your head closing your eyes trying desperately not to cry again. Your breathing is uneven again and you calm down before any tears could spill. “He called.” You said lowly.
Tetsuro nods in understanding. “Are you meeting with him?” You nod. “Do you not want to?”
“I do. That’s my problem.” He grabs your hand and waits for you to continue. “I don’t know- I hate him but I don’t. But I do and it’s- it’s so confusing.”
He just rubs his thumb on your hand while you stare at your lap sadly. “Just be open minded okay?” You turn to him with an incredulous look. “I couldn’t tell you how much I wish I could argue with him one more time y/n. I wish he was here and that I was angry with him because then- at least he’d be here.” Your tenseness melts at his words; you get it. You really do, you’d be inconsolable if anything ever happened to Kiyoomi, no matter what. “That being said, you have a right to be upset with him, and you don’t have to fall back to step with him immediately, but just listen to him too.”
You nod, and lay your head on his shoulder. “Thank you for listening to me.”
“Always.” He kisses your head before turning off the lights to get some rest. He doesn’t bring forth his biggest fear: what you’re going to do in terms of Kota. He knows he isn’t his biological son, but he’s raised him as his own, and to lose him breaks his heart in more ways than he thought possible. Kota saved the both of you by giving you something so pure and innocent to love together. He doesn’t want to stress you out more, so he’ll wait until the time to bring it up.
The morning rolls around and you grab your phone to see a text.
XXX-XXX-XXXX: XX Roma Dr. Is dinner at 7 okay? I have work today till six.
You: That’s fine.
Kiyoomi: I’ll see you then.
You didn’t want to talk over the phone, because if you did it would spoil everything you had to say to him in person. Instead, you took Kota to school and picked him up, read with him and watched some shows until Kuroo showed up.
His little eyes twinkled at the sight of his father and ran to him. “Daddy are we going to see uncle Kenma today?” Your eyes widened, you can’t believe you forgot it was Kenya’s birthday.
Kuroo looked down at his son and smiled. “Yes of course, go change.”
You give your husband a hug, guilty that you forgot. “I’m sorry… I can cancel and we can-“
He holds up a hand to stop you, a grin on his face. “I would feel better if you talked with him, for your sake.” You thanked your best friend before saying bye to your son and heading out.
One of the things your parents denied you was learning how to drive, but Kuroo taught you and it was a freedom you never knew you were missing out on. The resentment towards your parents never dwindled, but you saw how much they loved your son and vice versa, so you could stomach it for now.
You were punctual and got to his apartment at 7, but he was already there waiting for you. He was nervous and he should be. You got out of the car and walked up to him. “Hi.” He held a somber look but you didn’t address it.
It was the first time in five years that you were face to face with him again. It was overwhelming. “Hello.” You nod and he ushers you in.
Food is prepared and on the table, but you’re so anxious you don’t know if you can eat. His apartment is simple just like him, but there are a few picture frames around. One is with Komori after they won Inter High, another is with three men you don’t recognize, this being more recent, he looks older like he does now. Then your eyes fall on the photo book. It didn’t have a picture of you on it but you knew there were photos of the two of you in there and he still had it.
That made you turn around and look at his neck where the necklace sat swinging as Kiyoomi took small steps towards you. He went to the couch and waited for you to sit before sitting with you.
“Why did you leave.” You asked without looking at him. “Why couldn’t- why couldn’t we have stayed together? That’s always bothered me. Why you thought that we- that we couldn’t make it?”
Kiyoomi’s heart fell, but if it did he didn’t show it. He just looked at you waiting for you to look at him. “Because after high school my family left me alone to work and fend for myself. I didn’t- I never wanted you to suffer through that it was… so difficult.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Your voice was still even so far. “Did I not deserve to make that choice? You left me, I loved you and you left me.”
Kiyoomi shook his head. “Why didn’t you tell me the night you came over what your parents said to you. You never told me.” He was sad that you felt like you couldn’t tell him your troubles in a similar way to his.
Your shoulders slump. “Because I was scared. I was scared I would lose you and that-“ you swallowed the lump in your throat, “that I was ashamed I couldn’t do anything about it.” Kiyoomi grazes your hand and its a miracle you don’t pull away, he leaves his on top of yours. “But I was going to at graduation all I wanted was to run away with you.” You huff and Kiyoomi’s jaw clenches, trying to hold himself together. “But then… I couldn’t.”
“I love you.” He blurts out causing you to finally look at him, tears glossing over your eyes. “I’ve loved you since the very moment you stepped into my life. I still… love you. The same way I did all those years ago, probably more. More than my own being. If you had asked me- if you ask me to throw away everything and leave with you I would.” Your tears fall and the lump in his throat is hard to ignore.
“I hated you.” You say and he physically aches. “I hated that you left me alone, I hated that I couldn’t call you to tell you I was expecting, I hated that you weren’t marrying me, I hated that you weren’t there to hold my hand when I had Kota, I hated that you didn’t hear his first words, I hated that you weren’t there to celebrate birthdays, I hated that you weren’t with me. I- I wanted you there with me.” You sobbed leaning on the couch. “And despite how long you’ve been gone- against my better judgement I love you.”
Your lip trembles as you get the last few words out and Kiyoomi’s heart breaks not wasting anymore time and pulling you close to him. The both of you cry, and he was silent and tried not to let any sounds slip but you did. You cried into him clutching on his shirt and putting your head in the crook of his neck. It wasn’t different, he was all the same, still the man you loved. “I’m sorry pretty lily. I should have taken you with me had I known-“
You twitched in his hold and pursed your lips. “We could have gotten a really crappy apartment we could have called home.” You mutter.
He chuckles sadly, indulging you. “I could’ve given you a paper ring from a page in your poetry book.”
It was hard to keep thinking on what could have been, but you kept it up, the tears falling from both of your faces. “We could have gotten married with Komori officiating and Bee would be our witness. I could have gotten a small receptionist job, simple, but a start.” You laugh solemnly.
He kisses the top of your head. “My career would have progressed so I could take care of you and our baby.” You cry out when he mentions Kota, your heart breaking all over again from the fact that he doesn’t know his own son. “We would’ve- would’ve been happy.” He stutters.
“So happy.” You agree squeezing him to you. Grieving a life neither of you got to live with each other. He cries harder for the emptiness he feels from not knowing his son and that you did it on your own.
“I love you I’m sorry, I love you.” He kisses the top of your head again and again.
You look up and kiss his cheek. “I love you, I forgive you.” He holds you tighter and for the first time in five years he can breathe easily.
Once you’ve both calmed down you pull apart, not really wanting to, but you wanted to see his face. He was still ridiculously handsome and to him you were still painfully beautiful. “Will I be able to meet him?” He asks hopeful.
You sigh and look down. “I want you to meet him, but… he doesn’t know- he thinks Kuroo is his dad, and he is you know. He’s taken care of him like his own, but- god he’s so much like you.” A smile makes its way to your face thinking about your son. It causes Kiyoomi to smile back as well. “He keeps his room nice and clean, always. He was never fussy, he loves volleyball, but he also likes reading. He’s so smart and very independent, he’s amazing.”
It’s hard on Kiyoomi, knowing he has a son that doesn’t have any idea he’s his dad. It hurts, really.
“And oh my god he looks just like you.” You say. “He’s so handsome, just like you.”
Kiyoomi’s face flushes at your comment. “You’re one to talk y/n.” You get shy, but your face falls.
“I’m still married, Kiyoomi.” You speak out. “Not in a typical marriage, but married nonetheless.” He nods and take ahold of your hand. “I can’t jump back and be with you, there’s still some things I need to work out and get over.”
He nods. “I’ll wait, or I’ll help, whatever it is I’ll do it.”
“Give me some time.” You ask.
“I’d give you the stars if I could.”
When you got back home Kuroo and your son awaited you, giving you a big hug which relieved you for a bit. You had talked to your husband about what the two of you could do, and at first you couldn’t think of anything, but then you came up with a perfect plan.
Kuroo bursted through the doors of your parents’ living room where his parents sat along with Bee and his girlfriend.
“Kuroo, please, my love-“
“Shut. Up.” He grits. Your parents are confused because for the longest time you two put up a united front. “I want a divorce.” Both of your parents are taken aback, but Bee and his girlfriend try their best not to giggle.
Your dad stammers. “What- what- why?”
Kuroo slams down papers on the coffee table. They open them slowly and gasp. “My son is not mine, and I was deceived to think my wife was untouched when we married.”
You stood to the side and played the role of deer-caught-in-the-headlights. Your father looked to you. “Who’s the father?”
You look away. “You don’t know them-“
“Who’s the father?” He booms.
“My high school boyfriend.”
There was a lot of back and forth, a lot of pleading on your father’s part, but eventually, a divorce was granted and Kuroo left with his parents.
He would still visit you and Kota, he loved the kid and he would hate to not see him after all those years he spent as his father.
“I don’t even know what to say to you y/n.” Your father mumbled.
After so many years, you finally grew some backbone and you shrugged. “It’s over now. It was never meant to happen in the first place. You’re my parents, you’re supposed to love me unconditionally not sell me to some family for political ties. I would never do that to my son. Ever.” You pick up your bag and head towards the door. “I’m leaving, if you want to see Kota, you may, but if you mistreat him I will never speak to you again.”
Bee smiles as you walk out and get into the car with Kota waiting for you. “Hi mommy, where are we going?”
“We’re going to see someone very important.” You drive to Kiyoomi’s and once you arrive you hold your bags and Kota’s hand. “Knock on the door my love.”
He does as you ask and Kiyoomi opens it soon after. He’s surprised to see you there, but he’s more than happy to see you. His smile is immediate as he leans down to kiss you and you let him, but step back when your son tugs on your hand confused.
Kiyoomi takes your bags and let’s you inside. He already had a room decorated for Kota and he hoped he liked it.
“Hi sensei.” Kota waves but is skeptical because he just saw him kiss his mother.
You pick your son up and put him in the middle of the couch with you and Kiyoomi on either side. “Can I tell you a story my love?” He nods. “When mommy was younger she met this very handsome boy and she loved him and he loved her. Then the boy had to go away for a while so mommy spent time with her best friend and she had a baby. That’s you. And the boy that mommy loved, that’s Kiyoomi.” You tilt your head in his direction. “I know Papa has taken care of you since you were a baby, but your Daddy, the one who made you look so handsome is Kiyoomi.”
Kiyoomi looks worried like Kota didn’t want him as his father. The kid looks up at him with his pretty eyes, your pretty eyes. “Does this mean I have to Papas?”
He nods. “Yea.” Kota moves over to Kiyoomi and gives him a hug. “I’m sorry I was gone for so long bud. I wish I could have been here with you.” He tries really hard not to cry but it proves to be impossible when he glances at you to see you smiling with tears falling.
“It’s okay,” Kota smiles. “I was never lonely.”
Kiyoomi’s let’s out a relieved sigh. “I’m so happy bud. So happy.” Kiyoomi then grabs you and the three of you are engulfed in a hug.
The transition was hard on everyone. Kota struggled to life without Kuroo as a constant and it broke your heart. He still visited every weekend and you had dinner, but it wasn’t the same. You could tell how much the two of them struggled, so you suggested sleepovers and that seemed to help the new change.
It took Kota time to get used to calling Kiyoomi Dad, but the two of them fell intro step with one another fairly quick.
On the other hand, while you did live with Kiyoomi now, you too were awkward at first. It had been so long without seeing one another, things were tense. You argued sometimes, but it only really stemmed from fear and the sad memories that were hard to let go of.
Sometimes you had dreams where he was gone and he would hold you while you cried and it weighed on him. Just how much you loved him and how difficult it was for you.
After you two settled you never spoke of the specifics of your relationship, but you didn’t have to.
He woke up first, always, kissed your cheek every time, made breakfast, went on a run and came back in time to eat with you and your son. It was a ritual and he never broke it.
Kiyoomi and Kota would wash the dishes while you would start on laundry and then Kiyoomi would get ready to go to work and take Kota to school. He would kiss you every time before he left. He never forgot.
Eventually, Kiyoomi’s friends asked questions, but he wasn’t a talkative person so he gave pretty minimal responses.
“Who’s the kid on your phone Omi-Omi?” Atsumu would ask looking over the spiker’s shoulder.
“My son.” Kiyoomi muttered and the other two whipped their heads around to listen.
Atsumu’s eyes were wide. The child on his phone was in elementary school five or six and Kiyoomi was 24. “But- he’s kinda- kinda old.”
Kiyoomi nods, smiling at his phone. “He’s five.”
“Kiyoomi-san, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” Hinata posed to his friend.
“Umm.” Kiyoomi rings his hands together, unsure of what to say. “We’re together, we met in high school, but uh- it’s a bit complicated.”
The rest of them see he’s getting nervous so they drop it. Not without begging to meet you though.
And while Kiyoomi doesn’t want to pressure you, he would really like you to meet his second family even if he refuses to admit it out loud.
He brings it up at dinner peaking at your face. “Okay.” You say cheerfully. “That sounds fun!” You smile and grab Kiyoomi’s hand squeezing it.
His shoulders relaxed and he was excited, especially after seeing Kota so excited too.
The three of you knocked on Atsumu’s apartment where his teammates were gathering along with Osamu. Kiyoomi carried Kota, he said it was because it was raining, but you knew he just liked having an excuse to be close to his son. He also stood behind hunching over you to try to block you from the rain as much as he could. You noticed, you always do.
Atsumu opened the door and a smile reached his face. “Come in!” He ushered you in taking your coat and you thanked him while Kiyoomi took his and Kota’s coats off. “We’re all in the living room right now. There’s snacks- do you like chips little guy?” Kota nods enthusiastically. “Awesome.”
You giggle and three other men come into view. The one with grey and black hair stands up and holds out his arms hugging you tight. “Oh!” You laugh and pat his back.
“I’m Bokuto, it’s so nice to meet you.”
“I’m y/n.” You smile. “It’s great to meet you guys. Kiyoomi talks about you a lot.” The three of them smile while Kiyoomi looks away trying not to make it a big deal.
Then Hinata introduces himself along with Osamu and the three of you sit on the couch together. Hinata and Kota talk, both of them thoroughly invested in their conversation. Kiyoomi places his hand on yours and you turn your hand to squeeze his.
“How did you guys meet?” Atsumu asks fidgeting in his seat.
You let out a small laugh and look at Kiyoomi. “We met in high school and we dated for a while. Some things happened and we got separated.” You turn to look back at the guys and give a small smile to make it seem a little less heavy. “My family is a bit complicated and I was married. My ex-husband works with the volleyball association I’m not sure if you know him?” You ask.
“Is it- is it Kuroo Tetsuro?” Bokuto asks, eyes wide.
“Yea! He’s the best.” You smile and Bokuto gets so excited he asks how he’s doing and you promise to tell him to visit his friend. “He was a very good friend to me.”
They didn’t press anymore, knowing that even though Kiyoomi was always silent, he was deathly still when you were explaining and his expression looked pained. Instead they shared stories with you about Kiyoomi and you ate them up laughing and resting your head on Kiyoomi when you were overcome with laughter.
He kept his eyes on you, a small smile always gracing his face. He was in love with you, he knew it, his friends knew it, and you knew it.
Once it turned dark Kiyoomi got up to grab your coats, Kota was starting to get tired which Kiyoomi noticed and immediately stated you two were leaving. You laugh at how careful he is with Kota’s routine, but you also admire the stability he’s trying to keep in his life.
You bid your goodbyes to his friends and drive home. Kota falls asleep on the way and Kiyoomi carries him to his room to tuck him in bed.
He comes back to join you on the couch where you drink some water. “It was nice meeting your friends.”
He’s glad you had fun, he was nervous that maybe you wouldn’t like them, but he’s come to find that a lot of his fears are unwarranted. “I’m glad you had a good time.”
You lean over and kiss his cheek to try to break some of the walls the two of you unknowingly put between you. That’s all it takes to break his resolve because he cups your face in his hands and kisses you. Desperate to be close to you because god had he missed you.
He underestimated how eager you were as well. You crawled closer to him and situated on his lap, hands on his shoulders as you hovered above him pushing into his kiss.
He breaks it to look at you, to admire you, to love you in the silence.
“What are you thinking of Kiyoomi?” You ask brushing your fingers through his hair.
“You.” He says. “I’m always thinking of you.” A smile breaks out on both of your faces and you rest your head on his. “I want you, I want us.”
You nod. “I want everything with you.” You whisper. “Everything we lost.”
He lets out a shaky breath and closes his eyes. “I love- the way you love me.”
“I love you just the same way you love me, Kiyoomi. Unconditionally, endlessly, and beautifully.” He kisses your nose, a sign that he was overwhelmed with emotion and you just held him to you, the two of you eventually falling asleep on the couch. Hopeful for a future you never knew you’d have.
.
.
.
You held Kota’s hand in your right as you pushed the stroller to get to your seats. You spotted Kuroo waiting for you and waved you down. Kota ran to him and Kuroo lifted him up in the air.
“Uncle!” He shrieked and giggled with joy.
Over time, Kota shifted what he called Kuroo, and it wasn’t something he was told. If he wanted to call Kuroo his father for the rest of his life you and Kiyoomi would not complain. “How’s my favorite boy?” He giggled again and Kuroo placed him down. “Hi sweetheart,” he kisses your cheek and kneels down to the stroller. “Hello Miss Mai.” He cooed at your 10 month old. “She’s so beautiful, but I hate to break it to you she is also a copy of your husband.”
He was right. She had the beautiful waves, but they were brown like your hair, and a cute mole under her eye. You laugh brushing it off. “Hopefully this next one will look like me.” You pat the top of your small belly.
“Come sit, I saved these for you, Akashi and Bee will be sitting with you soon. I gotta go but I’ll see you after the game.”
“Get to work big guy.” Kuroo rubbed Kota’s hair before kissing your cheek and leaving.
Eventually Bee his girlfriend and Akashi joined you right as the players were coming out. It was the olympics and you could not be prouder that your husband was on the team. It was given he would get on, he was too talented not to.
Kiyoomi immediately looked for you in the crowd, and once he found you his face lifted and he smiled. The boys pat his back and wave frantically at you.
You laugh and wave back to greet them. Kiyoomi’s eyes dart to the pin, the same pin you wore to his very first game and his heart swelled. He was deliriously happy. He loved you. He loved that you were his wife, the mother of his two kids soon to be three, he loved loving you.
He was overcome with emotion and the only thing he could do to convey any of it was mouth a small I love you. Not that that did his feelings any justice.
It was more than enough and you were so happy. ‘I love you, always’ you mouthed back to him. And that alone got him through the five rounds of the game.
The two of you finally got that happy ending.
A/N: THANK YOU IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR. This was a labor of love. I LOVE SAKUSA KIYOOMI SM
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another rant lol
“there is a strong chance that Claude will ally with Edelgard to save the Alliance” except no there isn’t. That is one of the major problems of Hopes!Claude siding with Edelgard, because there’s no point in 3H where Claude ever even considers siding with her at any point.
But even if we ignore him saying that her bloody methods aren’t ones he stands for, and how he believes no one could stand behind them and thus they can’t enact true change, and how he says that Edelgard’s bloody methods almost ruins his ambitions - do you know what Claude actually says and does in CF in response to Edelgard’s invasion? Backed into a corner, feeling as though he either can’t or shouldn’t go to the Kingdom/Church for help, having lost the Great Bridge, Judith, and the support of any pro-Imperialist lords (which include Gloucester and Ordelia, two out of five Roundtable Houses)?
He makes a stand. He’s insulted at the idea that he would run away from this, knowing that people are depending on him to keep them safe. He even privately goads the player to take him on, completely determined and ready to fight back. He gathers what resources he can - in this case, some Almyran troops - to do this. He prepares for the chance that he could lose so that he mitigates damage to the Alliance and its people as much as possible - so much so that multiple people on CF will commend him for this.
Does that sound anything like a guy who was at the cusp of shaking hands with Edelgard? When at the end of his rope he does his best to take one last swing at her to make sure he can keep the Alliance safe from her conquest - and even when planning for if he fails, doesn’t have that plan involve siding with her, but leaving Fodlan entirely? Because if he stayed, he knew people would keep fighting back against Edelgard and possibly put themselves in danger? Meaning that even his people knew that he’d keep fighting back against Edelgard and would help him in doing so, that’s how hard he fought back against her? Meaning that even his people knew that a Claude von Riegan that stays in Fodlan is a Claude von Riegan that would not side with Edelgard?
And this is how he acts without thinking he can turn to the Kingdom and Church for any help in warding off the Empire. In a position worse than the one he is ever put in in Hopes, where he DOESN’T have win after win after win against them under his belt and DOESN’T have the support of damn near everyone around him - in fact, even having potentially every GD friend he could have barring Hilda actively fight against him.
Despite all that, he always stands against Edelgard. Because he would never side with Edelgard. There was no “strong chance that Claude [would] ally with Edelgard” when even at his most vulnerable he makes a stand against her. That’s why Hopes is so fuckin’ bullshit for trying to pull the “he thinks he has to side with her under duress” card, because he literally wouldn’t even in way worse conditions in 3H.
And, like, even for the sake of argument we do take Hopes!Claude to be completely in character - my stance on that idea is, um, more than clear, but yeah - people keep makin’ a stink about how “oh well Hopes and 3H have Claude go through different things, so of course he acts differently” but suddenly he would’ve acted exactly like he would’ve in Hopes in this one regard? Despite all of these different experiences he’d have gone through making him act completely differently otherwise?
And also, they got Dimitri wrong too. He does not - repeat, does not - have a “polite façade.” That is such a reductionist take on Dimitri’s character that even the game itself rebukes as false, in more than one area. Taking his attitude and behavior at the beginning of AM and seeing that as his “true self” with his politeness being seen as fake is literally completely wrong. So cool, there’s that too.
madge
#Clyde discourse#Fire Emblem Warriors Three Hopes spoilers#Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes spoilers#love being at work and seeing shit that annoys me lmao rip
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Longpost about chapter 142 (a bit late lol) I am so hyped to see where the story is going!!!!! I have some thoughts and predictions and words to yell at the author because this manga is crazy and i love it!!!!!!! Typical warnings for spoilers and canon-typical themes
Ok first off I LOVE that Denji and Nayuta are having wholesome outing time, Nayuta just being able to do regular kid stuff! And Denji is now the responsible one, instead of misbehaving. I think he has become a lot more like Aki in terms of responsibility and just how… mature he has become. He’s still Denji but his goals and priorities have shifted from stay alive, eat good food, be useful to makima/be chainsaw man, and touch boobs; to stay alive, keep nayuta alive, give nayuta a happy life.
Barem/Flamethrower hints at the plan to kill as many people as possible, and also that he wants to see chainsaw man “suffering and struggling and getting killed… and despite it all, returning to life and getting back up again”. Which is quite a lot? Some thoughts:
>Barem/Flamethrower seems to “worship” chainsaw man in a way very similar to Makima, in that he wants to see him suffer. How much of makima’s mind control remains? Was he even controlled in the first place? Maybe he joined with her of his free will because he agreed with her.
>Why is Miri/the sword hybrid working with Barem/flamethrower… He seemed to get along with Denji somewhat, or at least he seems to see him as a peer rather than a devil or a god. He looks like denji and honestly just seems like a Denji parallel
>Goddamnit they see Denji as a christ figure!!!!!!!! Not surprising for an organization calling themselves the “Chainsaw Man Church”, but still disappointing.
I don’t think that Denji will go to save them though. As long as Nayuta isn’t in danger, he has no real reason to. If he goes, he risks getting injured/dying/leaving Nayuta alone, and as far as he knows Public Safety will hurt Nayuta if he leaves. I think he would want to prevent people from dying, but he wants to keep Nayuta and himself alive more. Barem/flamethrower would probably have to take Nayuta hostage or something for Denji to become chainsaw man again, and based on his character so far he probably isn’t opposed to kidnapping or torture to get what he wants.
Fumi is being. Herself, I guess? We get some more backstory for her, which is cool though! And she is at least up front about how she feels about denji (does not try to deny that she hates him a bit) and emphasizes that she is a fan of Denji, not chainsaw man.
The weapon humans all assembled, ecxept for Katana man, Reze, and Quanxi. They are all probably alive, but it is understandable that Reze and Quanxi wouldn't want to get involved with the church. Quanxi is probably mourning her gfs, and doesn't care about csm in general. She only went after him because that was her job. I think Reze might care about Denji but I don't think she cares enough to try to find him or join a church dedicated to his devil form. No clue whats up with Katana though. I think itd be cool if they returned but i doubt they will.
#csm#csm spoilers#csm part 2#chainsaw man#cube reads: csm#csm manga#chainsawman manga#chainsawman spoilers#denji hayakawa
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im curious, how does being punk affect your feeling of religion? are you still a practicing catholic/go to church?
Hahahahahaha oh boy, buckle in cause this is gonna be a fun ride. I’ll put a cut cause this is gonna be long simply due to the amount of context that is needed to understand how I’ve managed to mash these two things together in my life. I hope this answers your question anon! (And thank you for asking nicely, that usually isn’t the reaction I get).
So, for reference, I am Catholic born and raised. My mom is Catholic, my dad is only recently exploring being religious. My brother has remained a Catholic good boy throughout his life, my sister has denounced religion. I’m somewhere between them. I don’t go to church often, but I still feel at home there when I do (most of the time). So technically, I’m not a ‘Practicing Catholic’ because of that, but I’m following my faith to the best of my ability (explained below).
I 100% believe there is a god, and because of that my faith has had some rough intersections with other parts of my life, such as being punk, the communities Im a part of, and being heavily involved in STEM. And those are things that took me years to figure out for myself. When just looking at being punk though, I think where it really clicked that punk wasn’t against my religion, but actually supports it, was in my freshman year of college. Like I’ve said before, I go to a Protestant school so every class has to somehow have at least one connection to religion (as a chemistry major this can get extremely annoying). But that year, I had a history class as a gen ed, Western Civ to 1450, and an absolutely kick ass professor to go with it.
This class was the game changer for 18 year old me (oh my god that was 5 years ago). We spent a lot of time in this class talking about religions of ancient civilizations, and of course we talked about Christianity. And this man went absolutely feral. He was the man that introduced me to the concept of ‘Jesus was a punk’. And when you ignore all the random bull shit that comes out of people’s mouths at church and just look at the bible... yeah, he was right. Jesus flipped tables, he ate with societal outcasts like prostitutes and the homeless, and god did he hate the Roman government that controlled so much of the world at that time.
And I think that’s when I really felt free to embrace the punk culture. The one thing that was holding me back was gone. I also later learned that professor had a metal band (I’m now going to have to try to find his youtube again lol - its been years).
But yeah, being punk and religious in 2022 is hard. Its hard because the people who claim to be Christians are ignorant, refuse to learn, don’t know the context of the book they call holy, refuse to understand where Christianity stems from and our roots in Judaism, and keep trying to interpret the bible in a modern world (the bible can’t tell you shit about the evils of the internet man). I don’t particularly like going to church because I often find that its a snake pit disguised as a hospital. Though, that’s nothing new, if you ever take the time to read Romans (my favorite part of the bible), its full of Paul just absolutely loosing his ever loving shit because of how corrupt the churches are.
So instead of going to church once every seven days and conforming to the rest of the vipers there, I try to live my life by Jesus’ standards for interacting with others. Be kind and forgiving, try to understand other points of view, don’t discriminate based on job, color, socioeconomic status, gender, how many kids, ect. Moral of the story, in my opinion, to be a good Christian, you need to treat people as people, and welcome them with open arms. You need to give back to your community. You need to fight for a better world. You need to push back against oppressive and authoritarian governments. And those are all punk values as well.
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hello! I just found your page because I was planning on writing Peaky Blinders fanfic and I wanted to incorporate a more accurate depiction of the Shelby’s Roma heritage, but I was a bit of a loss as a non-Roma. I’m essentially writing a “Grace lives” fic which naturally has me thinking about the sapphire necklace, which the Duchess claims is cursed, and I was wondering your thoughts on how accurate Tommy’s treatment/reaction of the curse is? Assuming Grace takes it off, would he have given her a Black Madonna like he did for Ruby?
I would also love your opinion on the more prevalent Roma beliefs in the show, particularly regarding the depiction of curses and ghosts. I know you’ve mentioned that the Shelby’s are in no place to be haunted, and I get that you mean they have methods to preventing ghosts from haunting them, but I was wondering if you could elaborate that, particularly in regards to their religious background?
(I also have more questions but I don’t wanna overwhelm you on the first ask lol)
Hi! I’m so sorry it took me a while to reply to this, I’ve had such a week with my baby haha.
The ruby necklace is a bit of tricky one really, as it’s more “old folk” type of talk, and it isn’t really something new-generation Rrom are involved with. It’s more of that great-grandparent superstition.
Running with the fantasy side of Peaky Blinders, I doubt Tommy would’ve given Grace anything to protect her afterward, as while she is his wife, she wasn’t a child or anyone who “needed” the backup of protection if that makes sense. However, for fanfiction / fantasy purposes, it could definitely be manipulated that way! :)
The same sort of goes for the second part of your question. While I don’t believe the writers would’ve ever put the Shelby’s as candidates for anything to do with the “spiritual” world with ghosts, spirits and auras, there’s definitely a way it could be manipulated that was for fictional purposes.
In Roma culture, religion can often override that. We know that Arthur was old-testament Catholic, and Polly “dabbled” in religion when it came to the war. However, they all relied on the Church | Tommy when exposing Grace for who she really was, Polly when she had troubles, Arthur with Linda, Tommy with his daughter when answering with the Devil.
While they are Romani, they are also British citizens who still follow the ideals of the century and do seem to be quite disconnected from their culture in that way - bar Aunt Pol.
All of it is truly up for manipulation - if you wish to go for a more cultural root in your fanfiction, it could be expected for Tommy to give Grace protection, wether that is the Black Madonna or if it’s a family heirloom like (for example: an old family jewellery piece he believes to be protected, a clothing article etc). For the same reasons, you could also manipulate it where the Shelby’s would be haunted with spirits or ghosts in the same way and how they deal with that could either be with religion or seeking help from older people in the “clan”.
If you have any more questions feel free to ask as I have really enjoyed answering this!!
Much love ❤️
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100% agree w the Irish thing. That being said I think a big part of the Irish loathing is them not understanding American immigration culture. Them calling themselves Irish isn’t saying they’re actually Irish, they have a very thick Boston accent, and are aware of where they were born and raised. They’re talking abt ethnicity, and they think that’s obvious to the point where they don’t need to point it out.
Oh yeah, that's basically it. a lot of Americans say that they're Irish as shorthand for 'I'm descended from members of the Irish diaspora,' and I think that just gets misinterpreted. I think what also happens is Ireland is generally pretty homogeneous so the Irish look at identity in a completely different way, so you get into the whole 'cultural appropriation or immigrant culture' argument. and then the term 'plastic paddy' makes what starts as a cultural/linguistic misunderstanding into a political and personal issue as well, but the political part is lost on the Americans so you have a situation where an American says their family is of Irish heritage or any such variant and the response they get is a personal insult that is, to them, coming out of nowhere, whereas to the Irish person involved, the whole conversation was inherently personal and political from the start.
but just to make it even more complicated, there's the religious aspect too. the Feast Day of Saint Patrick is observed by the Roman Catholic church, the Anglican Communion, the Eastern Orthodox, and the Lutheran church. the US is typically more strongly religious than Western Europe. like yeah a lot of Americans celebrate St. Patrick's in a purely secular sense but I think the amount of people who celebrate the liturgical holiday is very very very underestimated. eg this year DFW had a local public announcement - public announcement as in a NBCDFW news headline* - that all Roman Catholics were allowed to eat meat last Friday despite it being Lent, because the bishops of both dioceses made an exception for St. Patrick's. that was local news because there are a ton of Roman Catholics here so it was genuinely relevant. ironically enough, this means the majority of people in DFW who observed St. Patrick's as a religious holiday were actually Latino lol.
in any case, tldr is that no one is even having the same conversation but there sure are strong feelings about it.
*Sorry, tumblr mobile sucks ass so I can't just use a hyperlink but I refuse to name a specific article and not link it.
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https://movieweb.com/what-the-castlevania-adaptation-got-right/
Babe wake up. It’s time for the regular Netflixvania dick sucking
Reply:
Oh, this is a recent one. Usually dick sucking articles were mostly written around S2. Nice.
Castlevania is from Warren Ellis. Ellis is a prolific comic book writer known for his dark, gritty, and violent stories.
... do I need to add what else he’s famous for?
and the beginning of a beautifully crafted love story
Bro, the games did not do a stellar job either, but Lisa literally appears for a whole minute before dying c’mon
As the series progresses, the audience is introduced to the idea that Dracula is not some crazed madman interested in destroying all life but is instead merely a lover whose heart has been broken. Dracula is still the monster audiences know him to be, terrifying and powerful, but his motivations are now deeply rooted in relatable human emotions.
True. But this is straight from the games. We see Dracula’s sorrow for Lisa’s death way back in SoTN. The difference is that Dracula in the games isn’t shown angsting on a chair.
One of the best character arcs in the series is from Alucard, son of Dracula. Alucard is a half-vampire, half-human, born from Dracula and his human wife, Lisa. Alucard's story is that of loss, grief, and pressing forward. Alucard begins his arc by losing his mother, a moment shared with his father, Dracula. The character's reactions are completely opposite to one another and show how grief affects people differently. Some lash out at the world, like Dracula, and some bottle it up as a burden, like Alucard. Alucard never fully gets over his loss, and, despite recognizing how hard it would be for him, he joins Belnades and Belmont to kill his own father. Eventually, Belnades and Belmont leave Alucard behind. Alucard is then forced to live alone in the place he once called home. The loss of his family haunts him, and his psyche begins to break down as phantoms from his past bring him to tears.
oh my god you’re just praising SoTN the idea of Alucard reacting in the opposite way as Dracula comes from SoTN just admit you’re praising SoTN
even the pain that comes at killing his own father is something mentioned in CV3! this is the bare minimum an adaptation that includes Alucard should do!!
As for the rest of his arc, lol and lmao. ah yes, peak character arc, Alucard’s friends ditch him, he gets so lonely that he becomes ripe for manipulation, he gets raped, and he shows trauma for a whole two episodes before reverting to his old self. writing.doc
its melancholy portrayal of the effects of grief
yeah i sure was grieving what good writing could have been instead of endless CHURCH BAD and HUMANITY SUCKS and PISS JOKES and rape apologism
Castlevania's ability to adapt its source material from an action platformer with little dialogue to a four-season-long story-driven epic filled with brilliant character moments and jaw-dropping action
Yeah, which is why the show stopped pretending to be a CV adaptation halfway through before shifting into a generic Game of Thrones clone.
Also I need to see those brilliant character moments. Perhaps they’re in the same version of the show where Trevor, Sypha and Alucard have polyamorous chemistry, instead of being Trevor, Sypha and that asshole no one likes
I’ll give one point though: this guy does not need to shit on the games to suck the show’s dick. But this is clearly because he never played them in the first place - the only mention is this one:
Castlevania is an adaptation of 1990's Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse. Dracula’s Curse and 2005's Castlevania: Curse of Darkness. It featured a simple singular story that involved the player moving throughout the country of Wallachia recruiting allies to kill Dracula.
which to me implies that this is yet another case of “dude who may have heard of CV3 when it came out and then never revisited it” - he mentioned CoD but didn’t even bring up its elements, and SoTN is nowhere to be seen despite being a huge influence on Dracula and Alucard’s portrayals
anyway tl;dr: yeah the action’s cool but that’s about it
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IMO Lonato is a symptom of the fact that the plot of 3H only works if communication does not exist. Lonato doesn't believe Christophe was involved in the tragedy of Duscur or involved with a plot to assassinate Rhea. But instead of really trying to discover the truth, he unilaterally assumes Christophe cannot be in the wrong therefore Rhea BAD therefore let's raise an army of civilians and march on the church. He's basically a mini Edelgard in his actions (no truth, only violence). Part 1/2
That's probably why 3H Edelgard even says she'd "do the same thing as Lonato" aka raise an army of civilians she doesn't care about sacrificing just to fight against Rhea/the church. And in Hopes, Edelgard legit saves Lonato unlike in 3H where she kills Lonato (as everyone does in 3H chapter 3). If you hate the church, that's really all it takes for Edelgard to think your life has value. Disagree? Then she believes you're an easy sacrifice to her goals too, just like with Lonato. Part 2/2
I think it really depends what part of the plot, since you’d still have things like TWS and Edelgard’s personal issues with the Church or what have you. To a point there’s still plot going on (and in Hopes Edelgard doesn’t hide that Thales killed Dimitri’s father from him and just outright mentions it). It’s usually when people are more in gung ho mode that there’s a lack of communication, like how even Dimitri was like that for a while until Rodrigue died.
There are definitely a lot of communication plots involved in the game though and ironically I think that’s what frustrates people. A lot of them are such extreme circumstances to not be making sure of what you’re (the characters are) getting into.
I’m not sure if Lonato did or didn’t care about the people he brought with him, but Edelgard makes it pretty clear that she’s completely willing to sacrifice the populace and commoners. For Lonato it’s possible he just didn’t care what the truth was and wanted revenge for his son regardless (because it was his son regardless of the facts).
I do wish they gave him more than they did even just a bit more because for him to be an important part of Ashe’s story, and in Hopes Catherine says Christophe was a classmate of hers. It feels like it should’ve been more in depth than what we got, but unfortunately Lonato was a black and white case of like... there’s no refuting his intentions. I feel like in that way communication for him was a matter of him not even caring by the time he made the decision to raise a militia. In theory it should be important, but... well, it’s Three Houses lol. Dimitri and Claude like communication but most people just... don’t really consider it (Rhea also isn’t really one for communication. Even if I like her, I mean, I can’t say she was willing to give people a fair trial even if they implicated that they were lied to by someone and acted out of believing what ended up being a lie).
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A4 C3 F2 for the Maw Walker
J3 R5 X2 for Renathal
Ok I did these for AU Ren/MW (all the song ones for Renathal did better in AU)
A4. what things are they bad at?
Lol a lot of things? I suppose a plot relevant one would be the Maw Walker is not good a very good student. She’s not a natural academic. Things she considers important she can pick up quickly, but the realm of the theoretic means little to her and she has no head for facts and dates that aren’t applicable to her day to day life.
C3. what is their ideal comfort day?
Before the story, this would be a difficult question because she is also not good at relaxing. A comfort day would be one where she got work done that she thought was important (made advances on a case). After she’s dating Renathal, she would actually very much appreciate a day off of work where the two of them didn’t have to do anything involved with the school.
F2. what is their ideal party?
One she doesn’t have to plan. She’s good at it but she gets tired of doing it, and she would never bother to plan a party unless it was important to someone else.
J3. are there any songs that bring them joy?
That bring him joy? Not exactly. Renathal isn’t not musical, but music isn’t the most inspiring thing to him. Music accompanies his day, he has a little playlist for his regular chores, for cooking, for studying, working out, etc. But if he’s feeling down, he wouldn’t turn to music to feel better. He’d be more likely to indulge in a more fully immerse media (a book, or a film if he was really desperate).
R5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous?
Oh, plenty. Renathal has his own sense of virtue morality, but he’s not at all a stickler for what he considers pointless administrative rules that aren’t set up to protect anyone and he will happily circumvent(read:ignore) school rules he personally doesn’t see any purpose to.
X2. do they have a favorite song?
Renathal would tell people his favourite song is the Danse Macabre as recorded by Louis Fremaux and the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra on vinyl but that’s because he’s more than a little pretentious. His secret favourite song he indulges in when he’s melancholy (and he’s sure no one can hear him) is Under the Milky Way by The Church
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My thoughts on Episode 19, Variant
So. I didn’t realize I hadn’t done one of these for this episode until just now and there’s a reason for that.
Any episode missing Carol just fails to really grab my attention and I’m much more apt to get bored AF. Which I basically did with this episode, despite liking most of the players in it.
I essentially forgot to really pay attention, lol.
Much like I have for all of the Carol-less episodes this season. Which, considering how many the dumbasses over at AMC decided to leave her out of this season? Let’s try to play nice here and simply say there’s been more than a few.
Okay. Moving on.
I get that they have gutted the cast of its *mains* and Eugene is tiptoeing that line by default but I am still struggling to understand why in the world he’s had such a prominent story when they’ve treated Carol like a glorified guest star. He and Max are sweet in their nerdy way but I could take or leave them. Basically what I’m saying is I want them to be happy but I don’t care if I see them being happy onscreen or not.
You know you’re not invested in an episode when you can’t even immerse yourself in the storyline due to trying to figure out why the setting--that place Aaron, Jerry, Lydia, and Elijah take refuge for the night--seems familiar to you.
Love Lydia. Love the idea of her being happy with someone. Wish they would have done more than having her suddenly staying with Maggie so that Elijah’s crush on her doesn’t come 100% out of nowhere. It’s just come 99% out of nowhere instead.
Cassady tugging hardcore at my heartstrings as Lydia is half the battle but Ross made Aaron’s regrets about Eric feel genuine and heartfelt in their scene together. Maybe that’s because we got to see the love they felt for each other onscreen and yeah, maybe it was an insta-romance because it was already established when we met them but that’s different than TWD’s usual formula of time jump pairings a la Rosita/Gabriel, Lydia/Elijah, etc.
Did they really need Daryl for this episode? I mean, they could have just as easily had Carol there with Eugene in that church instead. Had him ask the same questions of her with similar results. Plus, it would have been a good callback to their scene last season where Eugene was supportive and concerned for Carol.
Princess is a real one. I love how she’s dug deep and found her own strength and worth. Wish she’d give my girl Carol some pointers on the worth thing, though.
I wanted to love Princess and Mercer. They certainly had the potential. But this damn show did what this damn show does. It skipped right over the good parts, these two falling for each other and their quirks and hang ups, then bam--they were an established couple. Like I know this show isn’t a soap opera but the reason I, personally, loved the early seasons so much was the emphasis on the characters over the plot and we just don’t have that anymore.
Just remembered my other reason for not doing this little write up--the so-called variant, “fast” Walkers. They stupid AF. Like I know they’re *supposed* to be scary and maybe they would have been had Team Family had real run ins with them in the past. But their introduction, or “reintroduction” to hear some members of TPTB talk about them, feels like a cheap, jump-the-shark ploy, and I don’t know about any of you lovelies, but I’m embarrassed for everybody involved.
Forgot to add. There was something borderline obscene happening just beneath the surface between Lance and Pamela in that jail scene. They giving off filthy vibes, lol, and I find it fascinating AF.
Who knew Eugene and Rosita would evolve so much and have such a sweet friendship? I mean, consider where they started with him playing peeping Tom while she and Abraham had sex. I certainly never thought I’d ever come to appreciate their scenes together so much.
Next week’s episode looks so much better already because my babies are actually sharing scenes together.
Spoiler alert: It was much, much better. One of the best episodes of the season, IMHO.
#The Walking Dead#The Walking Dead spoilers#Shae's thinky thoughts#things that make me smile and cry#for reasons
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thank you for your genuine answer! i’ve been finding hard to communicate with the fandom because people are either hating the situation or eating it up so it’s always both opposite extremes. a lot of people say stas is hated but from what i’ve seen, especially on twitter and instagram, she’s actually more loved than kat? she gets drowned in compliments, people worship her, they kiss her ass and hype her up for the most mediocre or mundane things (and i don’t mean that as hate) ever, some even call her “bestie” and have constant interactions with her. you did bring up shea being in group chats (i only recently found out about that while getting in the tea loop but didn’t pay a lot of attention to that particular fact) and it now is making me wonder, giving the similarities and another fact i just found out (stas willingly sharing personal information abt the group, such as their location), if stas isn’t on group chats as well, but ones that are more lowkey and with people that kiss her ass? it could make sense, but i digress.
i’m just finding this weird overall, like it started out of nowhere and now both of them are making this bigger and bigger and bigger by only posting each other and so on? like doesn’t that feel… weird to you, in a way? their posts have always been more “group” focused, group pictures, etc and now all of a sudden we’re being slammed left and right with those two only?
Of course!
There are a lot of extreme reactions to this whole situation, and let's be honest- it's all down to Colby. Stas is involved with Colby in a way that is supposedly "open to interpretation." That's a hair trigger for a good chunk of the fandom, lol.
Stas does get some pretty polarizing things said about her a result- I've seen some brutal hate, thanks to her association with Colby, and I've seen some idolization that they could build churches around. Some of that love stems from the fans that just really, really, really want to see Colby in a wedding tux lol, but some of it does stem from how she treats the fans themselves. She engages with them quite a bit, encourages them...and I said it the other day, but that's a BIG thing with the social media stans. They are looking for someone to see them, and for someone who they can connect to. They're almost looking for a supportive older sibling type, and they're finding it in the most random of social media types- Stas included.
I know she is indirectly the reason that some of their whereabouts have been leaked, which is not cool and is something that snc should definitely deal with at some point. I don't know if she is active in any gc's, but I wouldn't be surprised. I'm hoping she isn't pulling a Shea and giving out private information that isn't hers to give out- and honestly, I don't think she is, because that information would've been leaked by now (if there is one thing I've learned about fandoms over the years, its that nobody can keep a secret lmao)....but who knows, at this point.
As far as her and Colby posting a lot of content of the two of them...eh. They do spend 90% of their days hanging out with Kat and Sam, who are an actual couple who have been together for like 300 years now. They're bound to be spending a lot more time paired off together as a result of that. 🤷♀️
I do think they know people enjoy Stas and Colby content, that it gets people talking, and so they aren't shy about posting content of the two of them together anymore, for that reason. That would be totally fine, except when they step over the line, throw gasoline on a fire on purpose, get everyone all in a tizzy, and then skidaddle. That's where they lose me in this whole thing.
Amber and Colby, imo, have perfected the whole "posting content that playfully encourages the shipping while simultaneously making sure everyone knows its all in good fun and not to be taken seriously or used to start fandom wars or get everyone all riled up" thing. That's the kind of pot stirring I can appreciate.
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questioned about my tattoos by a 9 year old via /r/atheism
questioned about my tattoos by a 9 year old
Saturday afternoon I was visiting some family and their 9 year old grandson was over when i got there, almost immediately he was questioning my tattoos.
“What is that one, an owl?”
i said “yep” really not engaging at all.
“what about the one under your arm there?”
i say “yeah it’s a tiger” he then proceeds to look at all the rest and tell me that i have so many. like ok kid where are you goin with this?
Then this kid tells me how he won’t get any tattoos when he’s older and that it’s wrong. and i said “oh really? why would that be?” oooo i could feel my annoyance swelling lol.
“Well, because it’s marking your body and your body isn’t your body”
So then i understood why he was questioning me. Lol Immediately i was pissed the fuck off. I have not seen this child since he was a toddler so to say i was extremely annoyed by the questions was an understatement. For context, his parents are HUGE jesus lovers and church goers. But not surprisingly they’re the biggest judgmental, rude, stuck up people you will ever meet. i eventually asked him “dosent your mother have tattoos?” to which he replied “Well, yeah she has one on her lower back (😵💫🙄💀) but that was before she came to know god”
All i said was “Oh ok” and didn’t engage anymore at this point, i really just wanted him to stop with the questions 😤😫😫😫 BUT THEN he asks me “what age were you when you came to know god?” I told him flat out that i don’t believe in that and he stopped asking me anything. He’s never known a world without a christian influence. school, family, parents, you name it he’s been brought up that way with “jesus” involved. I don’t think he understands “not believing” he’s literally never been around it before. Makes me really sad and angry about the brainwashing of kids in todays society. I wanted to say so much more TRUST ME.
Submitted September 25, 2023 at 12:44PM by Future-Equivalent-36
(From Reddit https://ift.tt/BRQamcg)
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Awakening
Today I want to talk about where all this started (yes, I’m aware it’s been a LONG time since I started this blog haha SORRY!!). I wrote this a while ago but it’s just been sitting in my drafts.
I’ve always been a very spiritual person but there was a point in my life that I strayed from it in a formal sense. My relationships with people weren’t doing well as I kept surrounding myself with more and more people who just weren’t good for me. They themselves were not bad people, just not people I meshed well with.
I kept to myself a lot in high school, then in college, I was blessed to find a few wonderful people who kept me sane, but ended up in another group of people who were toxic for me. I let myself believe their opinions of me defined me. That, somehow, popularity meant their way was the best. It really broke & wore me down. I let it steal my identity & confidence for a while.
Shortly after graduation, I started working at my current company where a similar pattern was emerging. I was involved in a group of people that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. One person in particular essentially chose me as a friend and we ended up really close. We hung out often, talked on the phone, etc. But then a few “more popular” girls came into the picture and suddenly I felt like I wasn’t worth her time. Almost like she made it a point to avoid me so she didn’t lose any “cool points” lol
At this same time, I was dating a guy in our group. He’s a great guy, but we did not work well as a couple. We fought constantly. In retrospect, I think it’s because we brought out each other’s insecurities, which I actually see as a blessing. He unintentionally saved me from my own chains and I’m forever grateful.
I was getting to the point of feeling the most lost I had ever felt as these relationships grew more painful. I placed more and more blame on myself for not being good enough. For not being knowledgeable of the “mainstream” stuff.
Then, in October of 2014, I was at brunch with some of these girls and ended up being the topic of conversation upon leaving the table for a few minutes. Gossip. It’s such a hurtful, empty thing. A mode of filling a void with dead air (AKA unfulfilling lol). The girl who I had previously been so close to informed me of this hours later but would not tell me who spoke about me because her friendship to me wasn’t worth losing her popularity with the ones who talking behind my back. I confronted those involved which turned into a big mess but also a blessing. Not too long after, the core girls of that group had a HUGE falling out because of - you guessed it - gossip. I’ve since found way better friends and maintained friendships with those wonderful people from college I mentioned a little bit ago :)
Here’s where everything changed. A few weeks later, my roommate asked me if I’d be her friend’s date at a wedding. It was a Catholic ceremony, which is the religion I grew up with (more on that later), so it was refreshing to get into a church.
I’ve been to countless masses, but this mass in particular was different. When the priest said “Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again,” I instantly had a revelation. These words meant something SO different in that moment. To me, it was a realization that Jesus isn’t going to come back as an individual... no no no. He was coming back through each individual. He comes back through us when we realize our own internal strength, power, divinity, and light. That WE carry the answers to peace through eternal, unconditional love. It’s generally referred to as Christ Consciousness.
This realization has changed my life. And on that note, To Be Continued lol
A few topics to come:
Christ Consciousness without Blasphemy & the current Perversion of Spirituality today through the mainstream
The Nature of Satan, His Demons, and Hell (it’s not what you think, and no, this isn’t about Satanism or Satanic Worship... I promise it’s Christian Friendly lol)
My relationship with organized religion and how it shaped my beliefs today and strengthened my relationship with God
My Twin Flame Journey & How/Why I moved on without throwing it all away
How this is all playing out in the world today (I can really only speak to the United States because it’s my direct experience & culture)
Whew... I’ve had a LOT on my mind hahah but these are a couple things you can expect
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Ok I have to know, what kind of wedding would each of the LI's have? Quiet? Over the top? Impulsive and out of the blue??
talked about this on discord a few weeks ago so forgive me if it’s completely incoherent xoxoxo
Adegoke: is a very traditional guy with this sort of thing – he’d want a religious ceremony, IDEALLY at his family church but that part is negotiable. would be all over the idea of a backyard wedding kind of vibe?? it’s just important to him that his family and friends are all there so it would inevitably be Big but like. also very chill and informal i think. lots of food.
Arthur: would really want to have a perfect traditional wedding as a big fuck you to his family (because arthur’s idea of “a big fuck you to his family” is for some reason often Doing Exactly What They Would Want Him To) but i also think he would just have a horrible fucking time lmao so he would rly need his SO to be like arthur. no. let’s Do Something Else and he would probably be a bit pissy about it and then later have to reluctantly acknowledge that it was a Good Idea.
Atticus: basically just plugs his ears and goes lalalala throughout the whole wedding planning process he just agrees to whatever and tries not to think about it too much. if his SO is ever like :/ shall we just elope he’s like OH THANK GOD YES LETS and feels an Immense Sense Of Relief.
Avery: whatever happens, avery will be driving herself to distraction planning Every Tiny Detail and just completely losing all perspective of what matters. would love to have a destination wedding, I think, and would be Much More Relaxed the moment that they arrived wherever they were doing the weddinging.
Charlie: i think charlie would actually just want something pretty small because he would absolutely want to write his own vows and the less people there are there the greater the chance of him actually getting through it without totally going to pieces (although he would ABSOLUTELY tear up at the ceremony lmao). absolutely not tacky enough to want a star wars wedding but it would still be packed with inside jokes at every opportunity.
Ellis: honestly would just love something low key and intimate – just them and their SO and a couple of witnesses and then like maybe an outdoor movie screening and a nice meal??? would love getting all dressed up and fancy and would like to have a photographer to take lots of great arty pictures that they’d put ALL over the house
Florrie: would absolutely want a big huge ridiculous wedding with glitter on everything and a fun upbeat first dance (not a slow one) and that bit where you smush the cake into each other’s faces and fireworks!! (okay maybe not fireworks they’re expensive but like. she would Love Them. rich MCs only please).
Griff: lichrully does not care, will do whatever his SO wants he’s just jazzed to be married to them. his family would kill him if they weren’t there, though, so that’d be the only thing he’d be keen on if asked (and he would Love if his niblings got to Do A Thing like ring bearing or flower childing or w/e so that’d be cool).
Imogen: would Love a big wedding and the idea of it but also like. who would she invite LOL so she would basically be down for whatever as long as she gets to wear a big nice dress and get to do a sweeping romantic waltz and have cute pictures of it that she can treasure forever. would Absolutely cry listening to her SO’s vows.
Nyra: would immediately become stressed the moment Actually Planning A Wedding became a thing because her parents would make her do something huge that she would hate hahaha. she would maybe suggest doing like a really small intimate private ceremony for Just Them and then the horror of the huge wedding her parents throws would be more manageable in the knowledge that they have already had their moment the way they wanted it.
Syd: would Absolutely be down for a vegas wedding situation, just the tackiest and most ridiculous and most fun shit. or like one of those things where people get married mid skydive or whatever. the actual ~wedding~ isn’t really that important to them, it’s just an excuse for a good time. they would Resist a big white wedding but like as long as there was a big party involved they could probs be talked round (as long as they didn’t have to wear a penguin suit).
#rowan and vinh aren't here cause they aren't getting married and their ideal wedding is no wedding xoxo#ch: adegoke#ch: arthur#ch: atticus#ch: avery#ch: charlie#ch: ellis#ch: florrie#ch: griff#ch: imogen#ch: nyra#ch: syd#ye that's right i'm just Drowning the tl in content today#felt guilty about not posting in a while lmaooo
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this theory on reddit mostly lists things I’ve been losing m’mind over since like 2017 already (to the point of having a dedicated tag about What Is Up With The Celt And Norse Gods but i kinda stopped talking about it after lb2 bc it gave zero answers lol) or things that further underline that Something Is Up but imo while odin’s involvement in caster cu’s saint graph is guaranteed at this point I’m also certain that it’s not a case of odin masquerading as cu like the theory implies, he genuinely is cu chulainn. in fact, I will say it’s the opposite
rather than odin using caster cu to manifest as a servant, it is cu chulainn who takes odin’s place
now this one will take a while so make yourself comfortable. there’s no reason to believe caster cu isn’t cu chulainn, his ingame and material profile both underline he and lancer are the same person. the way cascu talks to archer in first order would make no damn sense whatsoever if he weren’t legitimately cu chulainn, they blatantly reference their fight in front of the church in ubw. caster cu is undoubtedly the same person as every other cu chulainn.
BUT, interestingly enough, that fight at the church is also where archer says that cu’s gae bolg is stronger than gungnir. in fate/side material it says that gae bolg’s ability to always strike the heart is not an original function of the weapon, but rather something cu made himself. in fate/extra material it is further specified that this ability is one step below being classified as a divine authority. in fsn itself it says that this makes it closer in function to gungnir than his own father’s brionac.
let me repeat that: gae bolg has functions that cu made himself, that are one step below a divine authority, that make it similar in function to gungnir, and gae bolg is the stronger weapon between the two.
a connection between cu and odin that the reddit post doesn’t mention is that in fate/extella, altera can smell the norse gods on cu. lugh isn’t a norse god, but cu stil assumed it was about his father. while easy to dismiss as some kind of translation error in a vacuum, in the greater context of all of cu’s ties to odin over lugh it’s sus as fuck
in scathach’s interlude, it’s brought up cu’s power might be getting split between his lancer and caster versions, although this isn’t an apparent issue with any other servant with multiple versions. however, cu chulainn was cut in half in fate/hollow ataraxia by lugh’s noble phantasm wielded by bazett, and this is reflected in caster cu’s design. his hair came loose and stayed that way, the spear he leans on to stay upright becomes a staff, and the third earring that prompted this fight dangles off it. a cu chulainn without gae bolg as noble phantasm or setanta’s “gae bolg user in training” skill is not possible because the spear is symbolic of his heroic and tragic fate, but fragarach is “a sword that severs fate.” if something like that were to cut him in half, a portion of cu chulainn unbound by that fate should become possible to manifest, right?
which brings me to something else I believe is very important here: cu chulainn’s heroic fate. because the thing about that is, he may have had that prophecy to ensure the result, but cu chulainn is a hero by choice, not by fate. he’s a demigod and a monster and was prophesied to great glory and untimely death, but his bond ce confirms that long before any of that was relevant he independently decided that he wanted to become a hero, and he continued to make that choice time and time again as he was repeatedly made to prove himself. even cu alter, the most monstrous we’ve seen him so far, insists on maintaining the dignity of a hero. he has aspects of gods and monsters alike but regardless of what his origins are, cu chulainn is the result of choosing the side of humans as a hero. his tragic fate is his own choice, and gae bolg’s ability to always hit the heart that represents this fate is a feature he made himself. as long as cu chulainn has gae bolg he will always be a hero, even if that weapon puts him on the level of a god, even if the bones it was made of make him look the part of monster, because it embodies his choice to be a hero.
the reddit post mentions it’s extremely likely that cascu will appear in lb6 and I agree, so let’s make a short detour to talk about someone else with a god level spear who is related to a camelot chapter. that’s right, I’m talking about lancer arturia alter! she noticed rhongomyniad elevating her to godhood and forcibly turned herself alter in order to remain human, even if it leaves her clinging to existeence with bleeding fingertips. notably, she appeared in the kara no kyoukai event where she is assumed to be an empty suit of armor, the same event where caster cu insists there’s no cu chulainn here. cu alter is a monster king but chooses the pride of a hero even so, a chapter later lancer artoria is a divine king who didn’t make the choice her alter did, saber alter is the person guarding the grail back in singularity F where we first meet caster cu, various forms of saber and cu keep circling each other in this “once is a fluke, twice is coincidence, thrice is a pattern” kind of way. lartoria alter is also one of the leaders of the wild hunt, same as odin, so there’s dots to connect there as well.
what am I getting at, you ask? I’ll tell you what I’m getting at. cu chulainn inherently has the capacity to be(come) the god odin, but chooses to be the hero cu chulainn instead.
here’s where the proof gets tricky and I have to veer off a little further into speculation rather than simply listing what’s right there in the text, because the missing puzzle piece is the reason why scathach is skadi. it seems the game is purposely vague about that in how it handwaves it as “they share a similar origin” without any further specifics or bringing it up in story, even though there’s plenty other heroic spirits with similar origins who don’t take each other’s names, like siegfried and his scandinavian counterpart sigurd (who are arguably much closer connected than scathach and skadi). even if the truth is indeed that their origin is simply similar and they blended together, it’s strange that scathach-skadi’s profile so strongly insists that she’s predominantly skadi when her noble phantasm is scathach’s gate of skye. a similar case is actually clytie van gogh, who is said to be predominantly clytie but even so her two noble phantasms are both van gogh’s, and curiously enough scathach-skadi featured in van gogh’s event as well.
what is the reason for skadi being skadi and scathach being scathach even though skadi uses scathach’s gate and scathach uses skadi’s runes? if their origin is similar enough that their true names are getting combined, why are they still different? this is where it becomes theory instead of simply fact: the key lies in their decision to be either scathach or skadi. this mysterious shared origin of theirs at some point made a choice between siding with humans, gods or monsters, and the difference in that choice is the difference in their person.
scathach is an immortal witch from the land of shadows but before that she was, as far as we know, simply a human who worked her ass off until the world itself was like “wow hold up, one human can’t do that much in their lifetime, you have to be immortal for this to make sense.” scathach HATES being immortal. as far as she’s concerned she’d much rather have died as a human, because all her human achievements became void now that she has infinite time to achieve them. her disposition as a teacher is a natural extension of this mindset: what scathach values the most of all is humanity’s potential to achieve impossible things in their limited lifespans. she is no longer human herself but she can still choose humanity’s side, and therefore she is scathach the godslayer.
skadi on the other hand is a goddess inherently superior to humans, who cares for them from a place of taking responsibility for them rather than guiding them to achieve their potential. she lacks scathach’s skill or drive to improve as a warrior, and it seems that as “shining bride of the gods” she was more preoccupied with the happenings of other gods than those of humans. the skadi we meet had a lot of her options taken away as only survivor of ragnarok but she decided to live on as scandinavia’s divine guide and insisted on treating all of existence equally. skadi’s material profile notes that if she were to use her full authority as skadi, to choose the side of gods, the part of her that is scathach would shatter. but lostbelt skadi couldn’t pick the side of gods anymore now that she was the only god left. as someone with the aspect of giants she could have chosen the side of monsters as well, but instead she kept a careful balance between humans, monsters, and the one goddess left and therefore she is scathach-skadi, an existence somewhere between the scathach that unequivocally chose humanity and the skadi that unequivocally chose divinity.
the situation is again similar to van gogh, whose existence is suspended between van gogh as human, clytie as monster, and the foreign god as divinity, and each of her ascension stages reflects one of those aspects. this would imply a third scathach(-skadi) who chose monsters, wouldn’t it? conveniently for my theory there does indeed seem to be a third one; skadi’s material profile mentions that summoning a scathach-skadi with a disposition closer to panhuman scathach is possible, and scathach’s material profile mentions that her body has another “stage” to it, which caster cu also mentions in the knk event. clytie van gogh’s noble phantasms are van gogh’s because she chose to side with humans, likewise scathach-skadi’s noble phantasm is scathach’s because, in letting herself be summoned to chaldea, she implicitly chose the side of humanity as well.
now, back to cu chulainn and odin. cu and scathach are deeply tied as “the one who gets to kill you/me”, scathach and skadi share an origin, skadi and odin share a connection as norse gods and possibly lovers, cu chulainn and odin share an unspecified connection, and skadi feels poignant but unspecified emotions when she sees cu. caster cu’s first noble phantasm is a druid technique that never actually existed to match a cu chulainn who isn’t supposed to exist either, and his second noble phantasm is the full power of odin’s runes, unused by him because odin supposedly placed some kind of use restrictions on it. meanwhile cu’s personal modifications of gae bolg make it a spear similar to but more powerful than gungnir and altera reads him as norse rather than celtic, so it’s not only caster who suddenly has ties to odin, this is something inherent to all cu chulainns.
remember what I keep saying about choice? scathach and cu chulainn are both heroes of the human order because that is the choice they made, regardless of their origins. extrapolating from the relationship between scathach, skadi, and cu to fill the gap odin leaves, what we can conclude is this:
cu chulainn and odin share an origin similar to the way scathach and skadi do, cu is simply the one that chose humanity while odin chose divinity
what this means for their exact relationship I can’t say, because it’s super vague what “origin” even means in this context. is it the origin of their literary tradition? is it their character concept? digging through the material books with my limited jp knowledge it seems the kanji used differ from those of the nasuverse magic concept “origin”, but even so it’s interesting that so many of the clues tie into the apartment complex that souren araya used to research origins.
scathach and skadi aren’t directly related nor are they plausibly the same person, although skadi refers to scathach as her “other self” there is no indication that scathach does the same. what is notable is that “scathach” comes first in their combined name, skadi prefers “scathach-skadi” or “scathach-sama” over simply “skadi”, and skadi respects and fears scathach for her outrageous competence, confidence, and dependability. likewise, even if cu chulainn indeed shares an origin with odin, it’s explicitly stated that his gae bolg is more powerful than odin’s gungnir. cu could beat odin in a fight, scathach can snap skadi over her knee like a twig. those that chose the side of humanity are the more powerful and respectable ones, because this is fate and we will always choose humanity above anything else. that is why I say it is cu chulainn who takes odin’s place rather than the other way around.
right now the biggest mystery with no way to solve it yet is actually lugh’s identity, and by extension the identities of the whole celtic pantheon. as much as we’ve gone into various pantheons, the norse and celt gods are still a suspiciously large mystery. it's not unlikely that lugh and odin are the one with the shared origin instead, and it carries over into cu as lugh’s son. it could be that nasu read the same bit of old academia I remember reading and plays it as cu being an incarnation of lugh as well as his son. with the new valentines event a fha collab that brings up bazett’s ties to lugh is more likely every day. whether I’m right, and what the specifics of the situation are in case I’m indeed right, are something only time can tell.
honestly though, if it turns out all of this is wrong and caster cu WAS in fact odin all along I’ll still feel vindicated for how my first reaction upon seeing him back in 2015 was “hold on, this doesn’t seem very cu-like of him.”
that’s all I got for theory directly extrapolated from fact, to wrap it up it’s time for some speculation and wishful thinking based on vibes alone.
lb6 as a whole seems to strongly be about “who you are meant to be”, about your destined potential. miss castoria is so different from OG saber that she lacks the name pendragon and it’s even possible to argue that she’s outright an artificial construct made by miss merlin, but even so she is “the once and future king that will come to britain’s aid”. its assigned crypter beryl is a beast in human clothing, and he is openly disdainful of the idea of living up to his potential. “becoming my best self is something I’d never want.” he says as he kills kirschtaria for trying to elevate humanity to godhood. beryl delights in failing to live up to his potential, in not being what he could or was meant to be.
caster arturia’s bond ce says “not a single thing is different. not a single thing is the same. for you have already met your other self.” which will no doubt smack me in the face with what it actually means hard enough to crack skulls once lb6 actually comes around. lb6 no longer has a fantasy tree and is maintained with rhongomyniad, the divine lance that forced arturia to choose between humans and gods. the lostbelt itself is a world of fairies rather than humans.
nothing is different. nothing is the same. you have already met your other self. your origin, your potential, is realized through a choice. you can be a god. you can be a monster or fairy. you can be human. all of those are the same, all of those are completely different. the only difference is the choice, and that choice makes all the difference.
gae bolg is the symbol of cu’s heroic ideal. it’s his choice to side with humans. and while caster cu’s materials state that getting his spear back isn’t his primary goal and he’s assigned himself the role of guide for now, he still misses it a lot. he doesn’t feel right not being a hero, he’s just acting the way he thinks a caster should, and possibly the only reason he even manifested like this is because this part of him was forcibly split off.
the god level lance that maintains lb6. the god level spear made through his own choices. the fairies that he as druid has a stronger connection with than usual. his existence on the interstice between human god and monster, different in every form yet always exactly the same person. and, the use restrictions on ochd deug odin.
sooner or later caster cu is going to get his hands on a spear. it is going to be gungnir. the restrictions on ochd deug odin will be lifted and he is going to unleash the full force of odin’s magic. and he will still be cu chulainn.
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