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bookshelfdreams · 2 months

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Hiii I hope this isn't too forward, but your tags re: Ed's evolving reactions to abuse and Izzy as abuse-survivor-wish-fulfillment are incredible and it would lovely as its own post, if you felt comfortable doing so!

Aww thank you! The post in question

Also, tbf, I'm just obsessed with the rule of 3, whenever there's the slightest chance of seeing a pattern like this I'll pound on it with a sledgehammer until it fits.

Anyway. Ed has 3 abusive white men in his life; his father, Hornigold, and Izzy. And all 3 he deals with, to escalating effect.

His father is the one who exerts the most power over him. Ed clearly comes from a violent household, and as a child, he is obviously completely at his fathers non-existent mercy. He beats Ed's mother, throws dishware against the wall, and there was a deleted scene where he yelled at Ed's mother for "turning my son soft" (oh how I wish they'd kept that in. I can understand why they thought this was expendable, but it would have made the connection between Ed's father and Izzy so much more obvious).

Ed cannot protect himself, or his mother, against this violence - up until the moment that he can. The moment he realizes he is no longer weak and helpless, he retaliates in the only way that he has ever seen conflicts be resolved. He knows that he can't intimidate his father into better behaviour, if he wants to end the abuse it has to be permanent. So he just fucking kills the bastard.

This is, of course, Not Ideal. Even 30odd years later, he feels monstrous and unlovable because of this moment. The violence scars him. Not because he was wrong in killing his father, necessarily; the show doesn't judge him for it. But Ed destroyed the life he could have had when he did it, and he wounded himself.

Violent solution? Possible, but he deserved better.

Next up, Hornigold, who is also a mean, abusive bastard. He represents the avoidance solution: Leave and never look back. We do not know what became of Hornigold after Ed left his ship, but 02x03 implies that Ed expects him to still be alive somewhere. Ed clearly suffered horrific abuse at his hands, both physical and emotional, and even though that is years in the past, he clearly never dealt with any of it. Gravybasket!Hornigold tells him "Sorry doesn't rebuild an abdominal wall. You gotta move on.": Don't expect an apology, don't try to make amends, just ignore what happened. Apologies are pointless, you can never expect your abuser to change his behaviour. So just try to get away from him and ignore him.

This also doesn't really work. In the gravy basket, Ed is clearly still desperate for Hornigold's approval - and is refused, as he probably was often when he sailed with him. "You're never good enough" is one of the core mantras of abusers. Hornigold is still living in Ed's head, and heart, and soul; the poison he fed him is still alive and well within him. Ed even tries a violent solution this time, but obviously that can't work.

Still, avoidance is better than violence. Hornigold is left behind, standing on that cliff, while Ed goes back into the light. Ed doesn't have to take him with him. He cannot make Hornigold regret what he did, but he can remove himself from his clutches.

And then there's Izzy. With Izzy, Ed obviously has the most ambivalent relationship. He seems to truly like Izzy, to some extend (why is that would be another post, but as briefly as possible: I think Izzy provides an interpersonal dynamic that is familiar, and therefore, a twisted kind of safe for Ed. Chronic mistreatment will embed in you the idea that there's something wrong with you, and that's something Izzy is all too willing to point out to Ed. Crucially though, Izzy is someone who's approval is actually attainable. Ed keeps around someone who will tear him down, yes, but who it is also possible to impress, and over who he has authority. He's going back to the previous relationships, only now he is in a position of power, and that may feel like he can fix them. Obviously this isn't exactly a healthy dynamic. Izzy, for his part, clearly gets a kick out of the power and status being Blackbeard's first mate gives him, and manipulating Ed into doing what he wants. Just watch how pissed he gets when his control over Ed starts to slip.).

And there's another, crucial difference: Izzy wants to come around. Izzy is the fantasy of the toxic person who realizes how shitty his behaviour is, and who deep down, cares enough to want to fix it. Who recognizes the pain he caused, and who tells Ed the things he most needs to hear: I hurt you, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this. I was wrong; you're fine.

And then - and this is also an important part of the wish fullfilment fantasy! - he dies. Ed doesn't have to deal with him anymore. We remove the possibility that he goes back on his apology, or tries to use that as a wedge to carve out a space for himself in Ed's life, or goes back to manipulating Ed. No. The apology has to be the final note this relationship ends on.

And this fixes it. Ed can look back on Izzy fondly.

He was a fucking nightmare. What a guy.

#of course this isnt too forward anon i love it when ppl notice my tag ramblings <3 #anonymaus #message #our flag means death #edward teach

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morganafata · 2 months

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Thanks for the brain worms, Lovely Runner. Now I have theories

I don't watch a lot of currently airing dramas and when I do, I don't usually post anything aside from 'cuuuuute' or 'paaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn". But because I can no longer be normal about waiting for things, I have let Lovely Runner consume my mind and now I have thoughts about it.

Because the real cool thing about this show (and about kdramas in general) is that it's not just a quirky romcom about two clowns falling in awkward love with each other- it's a murder mystery whodunnit revolving around how Sun Jae died the night he reunited with Im Sol. It's a kdrama but giving '7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hugo' vibes where the protagonist has to figure out who the murderer was in what looks like a suicide while inhabiting a body that's not their's. But in this case, Im Sol has yet to realize that it's a murder. And now I have a Theory.

And it's that Im Sol was the objective the entire time. If not the target, then the focus of the killer. The murderer, whoever it was, just wanted Sun Jae out of the way because he knew that if Sun Jae managed to re-establish a connection with Im Sol again, it would be harder to prey/stalk/possibly murder her.

Because I have watched ep 1 god only knows how many times, and it actually looks as though the phone was deliberately knocked out of her hand. I've seen some theories float around that it might have been a future version of Sun Jae but why would he do that to the woman he loved, knowing what she would endure with her cell phone out of commission (unable to call for help, stranded in the cold with a broken wheelchair). It makes more sense that it was someone with more sinister motives, someone who definitely didn't want her to be able to call for help. It would also make her more willing to get into the most convenient, immediate form of transportation that happened to be passing by. Like...a taxi.

I also think that this stalker/murderer would have been doing this since her high school days because of the fact that someone in a taxi had been following her in episode 4. And what a parallel that would be- just as Im Sol admired to Sun Jae since she was a teenager right into her thirties (and vice versa with Sun Jae having been in love with her from the beginning to the present day) we have another character who has also been obsessed with Im Sol, but not in the sweet, innocent way she was devoted to Sun Jae but in a dangerously obsessed fashion that's more "if I can't have you nobody can''. The night of her accident could have been her stalker's attempt at confessing his "love" only for it to spiral into a kidnapping attempt. Im Sol attempts to run away, Sun Jae thwarts her attacker but it all ends with Im Sol too traumatized to remember that night and resentful of Sun Jae for rescuing her. Sun Jae, full of guilt, keeps his distance and Im Sol is without her protector. And her stalker/Sun Jae's future murderer has been hovering in the margins of her life, satisfied that since she's wheelchair bound and without Sun Jae, she was helpless and 'his'.

But then Sun Jae comes back into her life, Sun Jae who is both a rival and someone who has a habit of saving Im Sol again and again. So, Sun Jae has to be gotten rid of for Im Sol to be truly vulnerable and alone again.

Do I have a theory to who this is? Not really. No one really stands out at this time. Maybe it's a random member from Sun Jae's swim team. Or Sun Jae's swim rival who hates him. But I think he and the CEO guy could just be red herrings for who the actual killer is. I don't think it's Kim Tae Sung. I do think Kim Tae Sung encountered the killer before and the reason he was "expelled" was because he found out the killer's part in Im Sol's accident and was trying to avenge her. It's a little too convenient that he disappeared from the scene after Im Sol's accident because of a 'fight'.

Anyways this could be completely wrong, but I'm having fun guessing. By guessing, I mean suffering waiting for the next ep.

PS Why are 19 year old Sol's bangs so much more cringe when she's not being possessed by her 34 year old self? Kim Tae Sung was telling the truth when he said she got cuter when she became Grandma Sol again.

#lovely runner #kdramas #kim hye yoon #byeon woo seok #it could turn out that sun jae did kill himself #and giving im sol the umbrella was his last kind act before he jumped #but he seemed too happy and hopeful to see her again #he was probably contemplating retiring and making a fresh start with her when the doorbell rang #anyways i love this show

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kit-williams · 5 months

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Automat

Yandere Iron Hands gonna be honest this is my least favorite chapter but the male lead might show up again if we decide to try our hand at Chaos [loyal legion] or Loyal [Chaos legion] boys lol

tw: Body horror, technophilia, dubcon/noncon, abduction, Yandere

She ran the numbers again as the servitor slowly put her arm back on and she all but slapped its hands away as she grabbed her other mechanical limbs. She had little under two hours to get repaired and leave. She silently wept for the machine spirits in her mechadendrites how they buzzed their litany of errors. But he would be back and she was certain she would be punished for singing to a servitor to enter his room and give her her limbs back.

He shouldn't have gone for a spirit singer if he didn't wish to run the risk of this... a variable he should have known. She whimpered as her leg wasn't connecting right... the abuse her connectors suffered under his hands but she managed. It would make escaping harder but she still had time.

She pulled her red robes over her form as what bit of flesh she had of her body was bruised and marked up for improvements that he wanted to make to her. Oh she felt so dirty as she looked over herself in the mirror, her skin slick from ungence and oil... her connectors overly tuned and sending jolts up her spine and to her core. She felt sick as she would have to adjust her settings to not be trained to expect what was coming next. It was logical for her body to be dreading and equally aroused for what usually happened after he would overclock her connector ports and adjust the sensitivities to be too high.

She didn't have time! She pushed her way out of his room and looked around before quickly moving. She went to the right after seeing that he always entered the door from the left... having learned what the sound of his bootsteps were. The cold sanitized air slipped through the slits on the back of her robes where her mechadendrites would be but she had to go. She was terrified of what Marlos Vauth would do to her if she dallied too long.

She had to warn someone of the malfunction! He was malfunctioning! That's what it had to be. She engaged his curiosity and desire to copulate a few times when the time allowed it. It was hard to not be aroused by the bionic specimen that Iron Hands were and they normally espoused the weakness of flesh the impracticality of emotions. But Brother Vauth kept coming back to her seeking out to crudely "plug and play" but she happily sucked on those usb ports he placed into her mouth... feeling the electronic tingle on her tongue as she was flooded with data streams. Hormone pumps were adjusted and her limbs would spasm occasionally but there was a trust she had put into Vauth when she would give him control over her limbs and their sensitivities.

Several things had blown out or overly stimulated her at once during one of these sessions and soon she found herself in his room. Her limbs on a repair table... her mechadendrites were still operational then but her insistence on repairing her limbs and logical desire to leave aroused the illogical response from him to break her mechadendrites leaving her fully helpless. No way of moving herself or interacting with the world around her. Marlos seemed to derive more pleasure from that fact and she truly felt like a toy from those trashy noosphere pleasure sites. It was all some disturbing plot from one of those too... helpless and at his mercy.

<<Byte where are you>> His message slammed into her skull as she turned off more and more systems to keep him from tracking her. Her breathing became more rapid as she tried to not arouse suspicions weaving through the menials and servitors on her way to escape.

<<BYTE WHERE ARE YOU>> She physically winced and held her head for a moment as his message hurt her mind. <<There you are my little Byte>> Her head whipped over her shoulder seeing Brother Marlos' mass make its way toward her. She would have like to say she reacted logically... that this nightmare would have ended with her messaging the right people... but she would weep until the end of her days as she reacted oh so very much human like... she ran.

It hurt to run due to how overly sensitive her limbs were still registered at but she had to get away! <<BYTE! If you keep running you're only going to be punished more>> She could feel the anger rolling off of that message.

<<LEAVE ME ALONE>> She slammed her message back into him, breaking her self imposed 'silent treatment' of him. She turned a corner a bit too quickly and that loose connector gave out. Her body slammed into the metal floors making her feel so dizzy as her overly sensitive body sent the wrong message to her core and she sobbed out an orgasm.

<<I can smell the mess you've made Byte>> She looks over her shoulder and holds in her binaric scream as he is kneeling right there. She only can pull her body once before his mechadendrite shoves its connector spike into its proper port on her shoulder... too big... to much data flow.

She falls to the ground helpless as she is trying to process the sudden amount of data overwhelming her. Her eye looks to him as she lays there helpless as his mechadendrites move over her form in the same way a close lover may gently caress their partner... reach for their mechadendrites to interlock with each other to increase proximity with each other. << I would beg... but those processes have no bearing on your actions>> She sends to him as she can hear the way his eye zooms on her form.

<<Correct. You have been trouble. Punishments will be doled out to an extent I deem appropriate.>>

<<Statement: You are a monster>>

<<Incorrect Statement. Corrected Statement: I am an Angel of the Emperor>>

<<Defiant jab: I hope you Rust and you malfunction>>

She could hear him 'chuckle' as he grabbed her and pulled her close. <<We will be leaving this location soon. To meet with more appropriate individuals>>

<<Why bother telling me?>>

<<Due to disagreements you might have with them>> Is all he said to her before her world went dark once more.

#tw: body horror #tw: yandere #tw: abduction #tw: dubcon #tw: noncon #tw: abuse #Yandere #Yandere Space Marine #Yandere Iron Hand #Iron Hands #Space Marine #warhammer 40k

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merrycrisis-if · 11 months

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okokokokkAYHSAHAHJA i had to turn off my notifs for your blogs for a few days to avoid all the spoilers bc i was literally so so excited for this update shsjsksjs

BUT before i talk about qiu i just wanna talk about shay for a sec because PleajsjeksSksja they’re the sweetest 😭😭 when they gave mc their band merch and said “you can have it for free because i like you so much” THAT WAS SO CUTE SHAY IS SO CUTE 🥰🥰🥰 also i love the irony in the breakfast scene of shay being the neighbor mc just met and the first meal they make for them is the closest thing that reminds mc of their grandma ugh i love shay’s spouse potential <33

NOW. QIU. THAT NERD HAS ME BY THE NECK!!!!!!!! i waited for this very update for so long and it cost me my emotional stability. i’m genuinely emotionally drained but it was so So worth it. that flashback took all of my energy. i wasn’t already feeling good about the grades scene and qiu unintentionally insinuating “we have the same grades but i need to do better” but when they almost said the L word i gasped SHDJSJ but yeah i was stupidly hoping that was just the incident

i thought i was prepared for it because i already knew it was gonna be sad. but mannnnn my heart was not spared from the heartbreak. qiu saying “we’re just friends” without stuttering <////3 but no matter how justified it is to be upset with them i just can’t pick the angry options because i Get it. i relate to them being a helpless kid incapable of making their own choices because of the pressure their parents placed on them. and their mom being so harsh like i know they’re all fictional but her words felt personal 😭 also qiu holding back their tears when they asked mc to leave………. pain

and the breakup. my god. when qiu was begging mc to not let them choose and said “please i can’t” istg i wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. i played both the breakup variation and pretending the whole thing with their mom never happened <//3 when qiu was like “so this is it?” and kissed mc’s forehead before walking away :((((( pls it truly fucked me up how they never had any labels but had to go through an actual breakup. but also the scene before the little going away party where qiu was like “do you want me to cry and beg you to stay?” :((((((( EVERYTHING HURTS! qiumancers are put on this earth to suffer

but qiu finally saying i love you and then the love scene before the goodbye :((( them being less calculated about it and just fully giving into their feelings really felt like a goodbye 💔 and when they were like “if we’re both still single let’s give this another shot” like qiu pls don’t make this harder for me and my mc 😪✋🏼

Omg HELLOOOOO ngl I re-read your ask (and your second one) like, at least 20 times. Thank you for sticking by merry crisis, and your messages truly never fail to singlehandedly make writing this IF worth it :P

I know you love Qiu but the fact that you enjoyed Shay's scenes too makes me so happy. Absolutely 1000% spouse material. Like excuse me they'd water the plants and cook and probably dance in the kitchen with ya.

Hehe I'm so happy that you enjoyed (ok maybe enjoyed is the wrong word) the "please I can't" moment, and the "so this is it" moment and the "do you want me to cry and beg you to stay" moment (OH and the last love scene!). Those were definitely the highlights of writing the flashback for me.

qiumancers are put on this earth to suffer

HAHAHA. Yes. But also.... a semi happy ending is possible, I promise :)

#if #merry crisis #interactive fiction #asks #tumblr friendo #<3 #Qiu

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tojisun · 4 months

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Yes, he was a terrible father. Despite his love for his wife, he didn't heed her words to take care of Megumi

!! jjk spoilers

mmm but who said he didnt

toji is a complicated man but wouldnt that be expected? he was raised in a sorcerer family that threw him to the pit full of captured curses to kill him off because toji was the black sheep, born with no cursed technique. his son, on the other hand, has the revered ten shadows cursed technique.

in a world full of curses, him selling megumi back to the zenins could be read (if not, the only way it is read) as him protecting his son in the only way he knows. because for all that the zenins hurt toji, they are still one of the strongest sorcerer families and megumi will fare better when raised by them.

that is not to say that toji isnt a selfish man. he still abandoned megumi and pawned him off but again, is there no bridging here of selfishness and helplessness?

oh but it doesnt end there!! toji hates the zenins. despite his agreement with naobito, he still tells gojo about megumi.

toji, from what ive seen, doesnt just throw away information like this just because (especially after the fact that he’s been thinking about his wife just prior to this little interaction he has with gojo about megumi). so i wondered: why would he tell gojo this? what was the purpose?

then we see this:

for all that toji sold megumi to the zenins, he really didnt want him to end up there. so it brings me to the question: why did he even come to an agreement with naobito about megumi?

because toji wasn’t expecting to meet gojo. so he thought that megumi’s fair chance at having a better life than whatever toji has given to him is by being raised and backed by a wealthy, powerful sorcerer family.

also: toji remarried again (tsumiki’s mom — she is ‘fushiguro’). its not stated explicitly but toji leaves megumi to them whenever hes out on a mission; it just so happened that upon toji’s death, mrs. fushiguro upped and left tsumiki and megumi, thereby abandoning the kids (again, in megumi’s case).

so truly a part of me thinks that yes toji isnt a good dad but he isnt that terrible too. not after knowing these.

im so sorry this turned out long but its just that toji is such a fascinating character for me (beyond the fact that i like him)!! he is so infuriating and then you get his backstory and it re-shifts everything you’ve known about him, his story, his motivations.

god what a good storyline.

#anon #ask

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tsudelune · 2 years

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Ooh can I request Akito and Toya with a s/o who gets into physical fights a lot? Just a pretty unhinged reader tbh

'' in order to protect everything we love ,,

- akito shinonome x reader, touya aoyagi x reader

a/n : hopefully this is good enough. i accidently deleted the first draft so i re-wrote it...i’m not sure about the unhinged part, if you want you can send me another ask with more details, and i’ll be glad to write it.

warnings : violence, bandages, mentions of fighting.

style : hc style (bullets)

- he has no words. like none.

- akito does get into fights once in a while, but not as much as you.

- he’d scold you to stop fighting others when it’s not necessary trust me it’s just akito worrying over you

- i can imagine akito “softly” yelling at you to stop fighting others...he probably offends you a little bit sometimes and has started an argument between you two.

- akito being the softie he is...he probably apologizes first.

- you’d just come to school with new bandages and he’d be confused...did he miss out on a chapter??

- AKITO BANDAGING YOU WOULD BE THE MOST AWKWARD THING EVER.

- he’d probably feel guilty for not protecting you in that moment, you can see him regret not being there.

- he’s so quiet when he helps you bandage.

- then, he rubs your hands saying sorry that he wasn’t there for you.

- i think he’s a little too cute to not accept his apology...

- if you were to tease him right then and there, he’d start a wildfire, denying that he worried about you. (shut up akito. we all know)

- he truly loves you with all his heart, and wants to be there for you <3

- touya is slightly terrified of you. just a little!

- he’s always worried whenever you get into a fight, he’d tell you to reduce the amount of times you resort to violent actions...never works.

- oh well, he tried.

- he’s likely not a fan of fights/violence, so he feels a little helpless when he can’t help you. but, he tries his best to heal you.

- he’d probably be actually good at wrapping bandages for you, since as a child he suffered injuries from practicing too much.

- he’d keep looking at your injuries making sure you’re okay, always asking if it hurts or not.

- he’d give you a big hug, telling you how much he is at unease whenever you’re hurt, so touya doesn’t want you to be in too many fights <3

- an absolute sweetheart tbh!

- maybe once in a while, his presence will scare those who fight you off, but most of the time that probably wouldn’t happen.

- he just wishes there’s something that he could do to help you, anything really.

- yet, he will always love you no matter what <3

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paperstorm · 10 months

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Re the TK and Owen gifset, I really think this is something that deserves to be talked about more. I can tell you that watching someone you love go through addiction is the most painful thing. I can't imagine how it would be for a parent. And for someone like Owen especially who's already gone through so much loss and tragedy and who we all know hates feeling helpless and out of control (much like Carlos) and so for him to have to see his son like that and have to be in a position where he needs to ask him if he was trying to kill himself (and I don't think Owen fully believed TK when he said no) and for all of that to happen so suddenly when he thought everything was fine and right after he's found out he has cancer from the same event that already haunts him and led to him losing even more. I really think we as a fandom need to acknowledge more just how hard all of this would be on Owen and I'd also really like for his pov on TK's addiction to be explored more and to see their relationship explored more that way

Owen's trauma in general gets dismissed a lot and I think it makes him such a fascinating and sympathetic character. He has spent his entire life pinned down with the heaviest survivor's guilt I can even imagine. He blames himself for the death of his brother when he was a child, he blames himself for his parents splitting up, he lost his entire crew in one of the largest and most violent tragedies in human history, he lost the love of his life because of it, he put on a brave face through the pain of watching his only child go down the path of addiction and mental illness and watched that resilient kid pull himself out of that black hole only to have to walk into an apartment and find him flatlining on the floor. Owen has truly been through more than most people would be able to cope with and he hasn't handled any of it textbook perfectly because he's a human and none of us handle hard things perfectly but he's come out of it smiling and strong and unafraid of loving people. He saved TK's life. He brought Marjan and Paul to Austin because he saw past things that maybe other people wouldn't have, to the amazing people they are at their core. He didn't give up on Judd when he was going through his own PTSD. HE identified that Mateo had a learning disability and created a situation where he could thrive when others would have dismissed him. He saw pain in his son's new boyfriend and a need to be shown that it's possible to be masculine while still being soft and he gave that to Carlos. I really do love Owen. He can be frustrating at times but he doesn't get the love he deserves and his lifetime of trauma is constantly minimized because it's easier to dislike him if you don't have to consider his humanity.

#911ls asks

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goosedoes-fics · 1 year

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Closet

Bim Trimmer x Reader

Content warnings: blood mention, death mention, gender neutral reader, use of y/n, use of title Mx.

Notes: ohhh God I wrote this. ages ago. and since I just made this blog I thought I'd re-upload a few old oneshots. huge cringe warning I'm so sorry

You had to get away. That's the only thing you knew. You had run backstage. The stench of fresh blood still hung in the air, choking you with its visceral aroma. The adrenaline was still pumping through your veins when you managed to reach the old closet where you now resided.

~~~

A game show. A simple old game show. That's all it was supposed to be. You had nothing to be concerned about. And yet, a deep part of your mind wasn't truly surprised by the blood now lightly splattered where a fellow contestant had previously stood.

You let yourself take a deep breath. Your heart threatened to beat out of your chest.

I've seen this show thousands of times, you thought to yourself in shock. This has never happened. The contestants were always just hidden offstage, there was never any blood.

Of course with your luck, this had happened. Someone was dead. In an attempt to gain more points for the show, they had ended their own life. This was your fault, wasn't it? Somehow, you told yourself, this was all your doing.

Voices echoed through the halls outside. They were looking for you. They couldn't let you get away. They had never let a contestant get away before.

Of course, a contestant had never seen a death before, either. Some machinery malfunctioned, causing the death to be visible to those in the studio. Thank god the show wasn't filmed live.

Footsteps. Drawing nearer. Someone knew you were here.

The knob turned. Fate would decide what these people would do to you. You had witnessed too much. Far too much to be kept alive.

The closet door opened with a creak, a sound that was eerily similar to the sound of very faint screaming. A well-dressed man stepped inside the spacious closet, closing the door behind him and flipping the light switch to see you better. You could clearly see the man's face. It was the host of the show himself. A certain Bim Trimmer.

"I was under the impression that you would be a bit better at hiding." His smirk was crooked and a bit too playful for the situation you were in.

You tried to get further away from him, to no avail. Your back pressed against the shelves of the closet, and you could feel the wooden boards threatening to bruise your skin if you pushed back much further.

"We haven't had an incident such as this in quite some time," Trimmer lamented, shaking his head with faux shame. "You're now the single outlier in our perfect record."

You tried to respond. Maybe to reprimand such a twisted man, maybe to apologise despite your innocence. Unfortunately, the words caught in your throat like a fly in a web.

Bim could sense your weakness. He knew he had the power in this situation. He had you in the palm of his hand.

"What are you afraid of, Mx. L/n?" The host stepped closer to you. You had nowhere to go, and you both knew it.

He stepped closer once more. "Are you afraid of death, perhaps?"

At his next step, he was now uncomfortably close to you. "Are you afraid of being alone, abandoned?"

Bim rested his hand on your shoulder, leaning in to whisper in your ear. You were painfully aware of the sound of your heartbeat ringing in your ears.

"Or maybe," he murmured, his warm breath heating your exposed skin, "Are you afraid of me?"

You wanted to speak up. You wanted to say no, or try to run, or do anything other than stand there, helpless and intimidated. But every cell in your body was fighting against your better judgement. All you could muster was a shaky breath.

The fancily-dressed man pulled his head away enough to look you in the eyes. The way he gazed at you gave you the feeling that he could read every little thought in your head.

"I'm not going to harm you, Mx. [L/n]. You intrigue me. More so than any ordinary contestant." He smiled, a smile sweet as honey but equally as sinister. "However, you can't just waltz off, what with all of the things you've seen."

Bim carefully cupped your face in his hands. The adrenaline previously running through you was running low, and you felt drowsy. Despite everything, you couldn't help but notice how gently he held you. It felt nice, in a way. The host smiled at you again, though this smile seemed more sincere.

"If you truly are afraid of me, dear, you'll have to face your fears a lot more from now on."

#bim trimmer #markiplier ego #markiplier egos #bim trimmer x reader #markiplier egos x reader #markiplier ego x reader #x reader #markiplier #hire my ass

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cangelgifs · 2 years

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it’s been ages since I’ve seen Angel and I have suddenly thought about Cangel and my heart missed them oh so much.

Do you keep up with the comics? Is she ever mentioned again? Is there any crumbs for cangel? I wish she would be brought back somehow, but I guess that’s what fanfiction is for 😩

Speaking of, do you have any fic recs of cordy coming back to life?

Is cangel still heavily hated? Ik when I was in the fandom years ago it had somewhat mixed feelings

Anyways thanks and have a lovely day ☺️

Hello, thank you for the ask. <3

Re: the comics - the 'canon' comics that took place directly following the show had a few Cangel crumbs. There is a really good Cangel scene in After The Fall. The Angel & Faith comics had a few more crumbs.

They are talking about bringing Giles back from the dead and Faith mentions that if bringing someone back safely/properly was possible, Angel would've done it with Cordy. <3

Angel is hallucinating here and he mentions Cordy.

Dark Horse (they published After the Fall & Angel and Faith) no longer own the rights to BTVS/ATS and Boom now does.

Boom have published a Cordy and Angel mini series that has a Cangel endgame.

You can read Angel (2022) HERE but make sure you've got an ad blocker.

There are quite a few cute CA moments scattered through out the non-canon comics. I'm making my way through them and will be sharing them on cangelgifs as I come across them. :)

A few so far:

Re: fic recs where Cordy comes back to life. I also included some of her waking from her coma because there aren't a lot of fics about her coming back from the dead (at least that I know of).

I haven't read all these personally - I got help from the cangel discord. :)

This Time It’s Real Anneb Rating: NC-17 Challenge: Issued by Muff Cordelia dies Buffy and Angel get back together but Angel is not happy Cordelia comes back from the dead ^This one is a fave of mine

Welcome Back by Helen RATING: R/NC-17 SUMMARY: Cordy gets an offer and makes a choice to try and gain back her life.

Kyrumption by moonlittides Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Summary: When Cordelia awakes from her coma, she and Angel are provided with a second chance at love. Will they be able to overcome their fears and admit how they truly feel in order to be together or are they doomed to repeat their past mistakes? Re-write for 'You're Welcome' (s5 e12) with a happier ending.

ANGEL 2035 by Lysa RATING: R Summary: It’s the year 2035. Los Angeles needs Angel’s brand of heroism as he continues to help the helpless. Cordelia returns to reveal his new mission.

Alcohol and Ice by Marie Rating: NC-17 Summary: Angel wants Cordelia in his life always. Cordelia has other plans for her life and they do not include Angel. Cue a possessive; jealous Angel not willing to let her go. Warning: As the summary states, this fic contains very possessive behavior.

Rooks and Pawns by DamnSkippy Rating: PG-13 Summary: Cordy is still in a coma but the PTBs send her a vision. She must communicate the vision to the FG somehow to save the victim who is somehow connected to how she can be brought back.

Lost and Found by Helen Rating: NC-17 Summary: This is set in season 5. A little back history is Cordy woke up and Angel helped her get over what happened to her, but then she took off, now she’s back.

Angel Season Six by brownsbros3 Rating: TV-14 Summary: Due to the numerous e-mail requests that I have received, I have decided to repost my original four episodes of Angel's fantasy sixth season.

Insurrection by LaLa247 Rating: R Summary: Cordelia awakes from her coma in a new, different world.

we are by buries Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Summary: Cordelia comes back for Angel.

i've looked at you with the focus i gave to my birthday candles by thecarlysutra Rating: General Audiences Summary: "Make a wish,” they say at the end of the world.

As for CA hate, I've found it has died down in recent years and support has grown. The haters have calmed down after 20+ years. It still varies from site to site, though. Some sites (Tumblr, Twitter) are quite pro-Cangel, and some sites are not.

-- whatisyourchildhoodtrauma

#ask #media: fanfiction #media: comics

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lesucremygic · 11 months

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The Moon, PMS-ing and Us

There are times when you’re almost on your period or during it, you’d always feel like trash, a sad excuse of a human being, unworthy of anything good or the world just really tiring.

You want to cry from the sheer frustration for not being able to stop feeling like that even though you knew, positive things still do exist in your world.

Even though you understand and realize being grateful is important in times like that.

Actually, letting the emotion happen, is way more important than hating yourself for not being able to stop all of that from happening.

But, you have no idea how to brush off the weight of helplessness everytime those feelings grace your presence, because it’s almost impossible to not feel them sometimes.

Ever since I got my period, more than a decade ago, I have never been prepared for these huge changes in my emotional state, or even physiological beings. I’m way too underprepared and it made me all over the place.

I think a lot of us women and girls still feel extremely frustrated whenever we’re at a loss when something is happening to our body and there’s very limited information about what to do when those things happen.

Most of the time, we almost always find countless baseless misinformation which are actually harmless for us instead.

That is, foul, to be honest.

It always makes me wonder, how exactly does the world view us women?

I didn’t know that my emotional state is going to be so… wildly untamed when I’m PMS-ing. No women in my family told me that I’m going to experience that every month, that I’m going to be irritated with everything, even my own self.

But overtime, later in life, once I somehow slowly let go of misogynistic views about myself, women and girls in general, re-learning and re-educating myself on my own biological condition and needs, I understand that these things better to be felt.

Those irritations are, I think, a byproduct of bottling everything up everyday. Thinking that you’ll handle those emotions later because you don’t want to be seen as overly sensitive by people, or that you’re weak for not being able to handle them and not being able to smile every time inconvenience occurs.

The burden of smiling.

The burden of always appearing pretty and collected.

The ridiculousness makes me want to rip my hair out. Everytime.

Despite all that however, I’m slowly making peace with them even though it’s still difficult for me not to take my anger out on people who irritate me so much when I’m in that period of time. Because even when I tell them I'm sensitive and trying to regulate my emotions, they will mostly take that as a challenge to be so annoying.

Blaming me in the end for being overly sensitive when I blew up.

I always warn them before they challenge themselves and be stubborn. But alas, they brought it upon themselves.

Periods are difficult for me. Even with the constant diet change, being more active in windows where I’m supposed to be active and resting when I’m supposed to be resting, period will always make me feel like a total shit.

Dealing with emotional ups and downs is one thing, dealing with the pain, cramps, and headache that will always follow after is another.

That’s how sometimes I envy girls who barely feel pain in their body whenever they’re having periods, or that it’s easier for them to navigate through life.

Good for them, truly, because if I could, I want all girls to have it easier dealing with periods.

It’s just sometimes, I’m envious that I can never feel light for a long time when periods are coming.

Being girls with a built-in pain inside their body is not easy, it’s too hard to make men understand the great burden we have to endure every single month. It’s too hard to make them understand that we will never get used to it. We will never get used to the pain. So most of our irritations are totally valid to begin with.

There are those who were raised by their parents right and could empathize with us, I’ll always appreciate those men, even though that’s a total bare minimum… but the ratio of those who understand and can empathize with those who will always think it’s natural for us to be like that and to just suck it all, is way too phenomenal.

Not to mention when they already have a sticky false upbringing about women and menses in Islam, a religion that I believe in, women and menstruating somehow became a really taboo topic for a discourse in most Islamic communities, which is another horrendous foul thing to ever occur.

So it sucks.

Period is sucks, not having periods also sucks…

It’s just how we’re built, I understand that.

What frustrates me the most is when the society gaslighted and guilt-trips me to not feel any of these irritations even though we have to endure a long excruciating 7 days with pain and being stuck in discombobulation.

I just want them to be more understanding, if they can’t empathize that is…and more discourse about it so a wide range of people, women and men alike, can understand more about healthier approaches and education about menstruation.

In the hope that in the end, it would make them kinder…

In short, I just want a break.

---

Dedicated to all women and those who menses, because sometimes, we just want a freaking break.

#periods #period problems #menstrual cycle #i hate pms #moon goddess #period rant #emotional

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jillvalcntines-archive · 2 years

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5 SONG PAIRING PLAYLIST !!

i was tagged by @aartyom, @denerims & @arklay to make the five song playlist for a ship of mine! thank you so much, and i am so sorry this took me so long!

tagging: @mandalhoerian @aelyosos @girlbosselrond @cultistbase @morvaris && everyone who hasn't done and wants to do this !!

1. iris — DIAMANTHE & breaking benjamin

and i'd give up forever to touch you / 'cause i know that you feel me somehow / you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be / and i don't want to go home right now [...] and i don't want the world to see me / 'cause i don't think that they'd understand / when everythings' meant to be broken / i just want you to know who i am

Considering this song got out in the year they both met, and definitely won't have an official cameo in Saints & Sinners, it explains so well, how they think of each other and yet don't dare to go any further... first. especially carmen has a "people will keep on judging me for having belonged to umbrella... but you know who i truly am".

2. i'll be good — jaymes young

i thought i saw the devil this morning / looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue / with the warning to help me see myself clearer / i never meant to start a fire / i never meant to make you bleed / i'll be a better man today / and i'll love the world, like i should / for all of the times that i never could

it's the song about the times they have both been depressed, lost hope and were about to give up, and yet kept going because of each other. "better man" in this context is meant as in human. the two last highlighted phrases are foreshadowing of what is to come or in one way, already happened, still i don't want to give away too many spoilers...

3. let me down slowly — alec benjamin & alessia cara

don't cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste / i once was a man/girl with dignity and grace / now i'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace [...] a little sympathy, i hope you can show me / if you wanna go then i'll be so lonely / if you're leaving baby let me down slowly

it's an overall song about how they are dealing with trauma and the emotional wounds over the years. carmen deals with depression and guilt mostly before raccoon city's destruction and "loses" most of her "dignity & grace", when she is at the low point shown in chapter one... chris goes through that during resident evil 6 and both of them think the other might leave, even though that would never be the case

4. someone to stay — vancouver sleep clinic

you were alone, left out in the cold / clinging to the ruin of your broken home / too lost and hurting to carry your load / we all need someone to hold / you've been fighting the memory, all on your own / nothing worsens, nothing grows / i know how it feels being by yourself in the rain / we all need someone to stay [...] will you fix me up? will you show me hope? / at the end of the day you were helpless / can you keep me close? can you love me most?

this song just screams another "getting over trauma together". you've been fighting the memory, all on your own actually shows how similiar carmen and chris are, because they don't share their trauma with anyone... at first, even not with each other, which is something they have to (re)learn over the years

5. chasing cars — tommee profitt & fleurie

we'll do it all, everything on our own / we don't need anything or anyone / if i lay here, if i just lay here / would you lie with me and just forget the world? / i don't quite know how to say how i feel / those three words are said too much, they're not enough [...] forget what we're told, before we get too old / show me a garden that's bursting into life / all that i am, all that i ever was / is here in your perfect eyes, they're all i can see

this is their ride or die song (no pun intended). those three words are said too much, they're not enough is 100% carmen's pov. carmen has a big problem with the infamous three words and struggles to say them to chris. not because she doesn't, but because she has kind of a phobia saying them, considering everyone she has told them died shortly after it. she was also never a very sentimental person, until chris came along. the last phrases perfectly shows how they both see each other.

you can find chris & carmen's playlist here, if you are interested!

#misc: tag games #ship: carmen x chris #oc: carmen lopez #( all those things make me very emotional and shuffle function said 'i'll make deunan cry today' )

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teanderthalrex · 30 days

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I finished reading the ARC given to me of Children of Anguish and Anarchy, the third and final installment of the Orisha trilogy, by Tomi Adeyemi.

It's no secret that I was disappointed by book two. I thought a lot of Zélie's actions seemed out of character from who we met in the Children of Blood and Bone. I also didn't like Amari's storyline but I was willing to go with it in hopes it would have some kind of redemption or doubling down or some kind of payoff in this book. That cliffhanger was not something I thought we'd have to wait this long to have not-really-resolved.

So, was all that waiting worth it? Sadly, not for me. I loved parts of the world-building in Children of Anguish and Anarchy. I did. But other aspects, which I will discuss below, left me underwhelmed. The final book gets a 3/5 (2/5 really but one star because I love these characters and I was just happy to see them again.)

Content warnings: Obviously, the usual violence, abuse, and death but also specifically at the beginning there's a lot of this Atlantic slave trade allegory and imagery, so be ready for that.

Tomi Adeyemi has a strong writing style when it comes to creating compelling fight scenes or describing new locations with gorgeous and lush visuals. And because so much of this book is spent outside of Orisha, battling a new enemy, you get a lot of that. We get introduced to two new empires in this book, that of the skulls and King Baldr, vaguely based on vikings, and New Gaia, which is based on South America and Indigenous peoples (although I think they are speaking Spanish or something close to Spanish and that's the colonizer's language and that kind of bugged me but it's also true to real life current South America so idk). And we meet a LOT of new characters. Amari finally gets to be gay, so that's a win. There's a background thing going on with her and the hierophant of New Gaia. So there's a queer relationship in this book if you squint. And honestly that's the extent of what Amari does in this book.

I wanted more interpersonal stories between the characters we already had and to deal with the outcome of the civil war from book two. So much of what happened in Children of Virtue and Vengeance is brushed aside in this book to make room for a new epic tale spanning three different empires. Zélie and Amari do NOT actually talk about what Amari did in book two, Amari and Tzain don't really talk either. Zélie and Inan are the only two that still vaguely kept the tension they had in CoVaV but again, it barely has the time it needs between everything else going on. We never find out what happened to Roen, nor do we really get any true discussions about how Orisha is going to recover from the political repercussions of the civil war. At the end of the book it's treated like people forgot all the prejudices they held for decades just because the skulls tried to invade and now that the skulls were defeated, everything is great and perfect and wonderful.

I truly believe we could have pared down the slave boat thing at the beginning and replaced it with Zélie and Amari really talking to each other and maybe Nehanda and Inan making amends publicly or something. Then we could have seen the healing get started and I could have at least liked this book.

I will say I did like Tzain's story. His chapters were the highlight of the entire book. He gets his hands on one of the skull's weapons, which use blood magic and essentially make warriors into dnd barbarians, rage and all. Tzain uses that weapon to help save his people but he comes to realize he hate and rage aren't how he wants to fight, that it doesn't make him strong really, and he finds a new source of energy for the battles ahead. You really see him dealing with the death of his mother, which he always felt helpless and guilty about, and accepting he couldn't have saved her.

The villain of this book, King Baldr, felt a tad cartoonish to me. He had this textbook skivvy-ness about him that just reminded me of a crappy MCU villain. I don't have much to say about him. For being the primary motivator of nearly every action the main protagonists make in this book, he is devastatingly underwhelming. It sucks we really had to wait until the last ten or so pages for Zélie to get her reaper powers back. That man could've easily been taken out by book one Zélie.

Despite Children of Anguish and Anarchy disappointing me, I would still recommend the entire trilogy. The world-building is phenomenal and its a great addition to any Young Adult collection. I do think that every single book in the series feels like we've started a completely different series entirely but what can I say? The first book got me attached to the characters and part of me will read anything with them in it.

#tomi adeyemi #children of anguish and anarchy #book review #spoilers below #In a way I'm glad it's over because it was kind of a mess #It's giving me Once Upon a Time vibes which is... something #Like I love the characters but maybe we could've stopped while we were ahead

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tetrisfinished · 2 years

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tough days

before i type my day out (today was a tough one), i want you to know (future komal) that i fully recognize my privilege and acknowledge that none of the problems i face today are in any way "the end of the world" level issues. and having lived through this day, i can attest that i did in fact get through this stuff.

but while it was happening, it was tough as butts, hard as nails.

anywho, it actually started on several high notes. one (perhaps the most highest of the notes) of which was knowing that my cleaning lady was going to come today and that both esa and yasir would be out of the house. so after the cleaning lady leaves, i would get a solid 3-4 hours of CLEAN HOME. and god help me, i am a sucker for an empty, super clean home, toilet, bed, tub, KITCHEN.

so of course, the first disappointment (very timely) was when my cleaning lady messaged to let me know she would have to reschedule :( which made me sad, but ah well, i could do more or less my own cleaning (not up to par with her level, but still something to feel good about) and be satisfied until she came.

then, about an hour before lunch, my daycare called.

you know when you receive certain calls and no matter what they're about, just having to pick up that phone feels like a moment out of a horror movie? that was my moment.

that call or a call from pakistan at a really odd time of day (when they should really all be asleep based on their timezone) - those have the same chilling effect on me.

and i guess my gut was right. my daycare called to tell me esa was sick! he threw up a LOT and was warm and feverish and upset and crying. so i left work for 20 minutes to go pick him up. when i got there he was still crying and upset and his outfit of course had been changed but i was happy to have him in my arms and he was happy to be there.

isn't it weird, we feel as if we are actually able to protect our kids from the things that could happen to them if we just hold on to them tight enough? when really and truly and ultimately, we are all so helpless in the way of anyone's pain - let alone our childrens'...it's kind of the worst realization to have and i'm having it now.

anyway, we came home, esa was in high spirits and played and watched tv. i tried fruitlessly to continue to work and of course during one of our busiest times, i just wasn't able to.

oh and since he threw up and most likely it was a stomach bug (that is what the daycare thinks) esa cannot return until 48 hours later to daycare. so while i love to have him home with me, one of my absolute busiest work weeks is just going to be completed after hours because i'm truly unable to do much...

in any case. such is life.

when i brought esa home, i of course messaged yasir to let him know of the situation and i asked him to come home as soon as he was able from work. so that we could split the parent time and i could attempt to get some work done.

a few hours later, i received a call from yasir. i thought he was probably just calling to let me know he was able to come back earlier and asking what there is to eat (as he does a lot lol).

but unfortunately, the day continued. i picked up and it was a clearly frazzled yasir telling me that a rock or something fell off the truck he was driving directly behind and hit the tire on the car and the tire went flat!

then i called our roadside assistance number, they came and replaced the flat (took quite a while) so roughly a couple hours later, yasir was ready to be on his way back home.

a few minutes after that i received another yasir call and in this one he said how he had started to drive but then after a while there was more sounds that didn't sound right and he had to stop on the side of the road only to see that the other tire had gotten a flat as well and we did not have any more spares in the car.

SO of course we re-called our roadside assistance and this time they took even longer! but they finally came and towed the car to a mechanic address that yasir knows/works with. and yasir took an uber home.

between all this madness at home, esa woke up from his afternoon nap ready for some food so i had an instant soup packet that my SiL had given to me a while ago. i took it out along with my measuring cup to measure how much water i needed for it.

and lo and behold i dropped my largest (4 cup capacity) measuring cup. and it crashed and smashed glass ALL OVER THE KITCHEN.

that was basically my tipping point. i had to stop and cry.

then i had to figure out how to clean it all up so that my sock-wearing kid wouldn't walk in and accidentally hurt himself.

all just about 15 minutes prior to my 3 pm meeting with my team.

so between the span of 11:00 am to 3:00 pm it was just one thing after another after another after another. all just perfect storm-ing it up on the same day.

i can't say i'm super proud of how i dealt with my day today, but i do hope to GOD that tomorrow is better.

and that's all. we are currently car-less because of course the car needs to be serviced/repaired. we are currently daycare-less because inshallah esa needs time to recover at home. and i am currently at the end of my rope for being awake and functioning during this - the curs-ed 12th of october.

may all your days be going better than mine!

much love,

-k

#tough days #overwhelmed #need to vent #now i sleep

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beccascribbles · 4 years

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It angst time bby!🤪 Could you maybe pls do a Iwa,Tendou and Tsuki x reader/manager scenario where their s/o gets bullied because they are the manager of the team. Also it goes that far that the girls threaten them to leave the vb club/ end their relationship bevor it will be much worse for them. ( a fluffy end would be nice because I saw lots of angsty fics today kndjsjsna)

a/n - you asked and i shall deliver. sometimes we just have a craving for angst. i’m a little bit obsessed with it myself (think a large part of my blog is angst tbh). and don’t worry, they are fluffy endings i think... hope you enjoy!

"i can't do this anymore," you sobbed, finally letting the tears fall. iwaizumi reached out for you desperately, hand curling around your waist and pulling you into his chest. his arm, corded with muscle, wrapped around your waist protectively, holding you close to him. his other hand held the back of your head. “i can’t, haji. they won’t stop. it won’t stop.”

“shh,” he murmured, stroking the back of your head as your tears dampened his shirt. part of him was confused, the other part focused entirely on offering you support. he had no idea who this mysterious they was. it wasn’t surprising that he didn’t know, the girls choosing moments when iwaizumi (and anyone who might inform him of what was happening) was gone to be their cruellest. “who’s they?”

you stiffened slightly against him then, mind pulling their most recent assault to the forefront of your mind. taloned fingernails had dug into your shoulders before pushing you harshly, your back hitting the brick wall behind you harshly. rough brick had dug into your back, the pain not enough to distract you from the words they spat at you. you had flinched away, looked for an escape, but there was nowhere to go. one girl, clearly the ringleader, had yanked at your hair, pulling your face towards her.

“you stupid little whore,” she had hissed, letting out a cold laugh at the wince that escaped your lips. “if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop managing the team and leave iwaizumi while you’re at it. you don’t deserve him and he sure as hell doesn’t need you.”

her words had been echoed by the other girls with her, and when the tears had finally began to prick at your eyes, they had decided their needs had been satisfied for today. she had turned back to look at you one last time before leaving you with her parting words. “remember what i said. if you want it to stop, you know what to do.”

“y/n?” iwaizumi questioned, his voice cutting through the memory. worry laced his tone, and he had pulled you away from his chest to be able to see your face. you blinked up at him, a dreadful realisation coming over you. you knew how to make it stop. it was simple. you just had to force out the words.

the texture of his skin was rough against yours, his hands calloused from a childhood spent playing volleyball. you wanted to surrender to his warmth, to downplay everything you were feeling, to blame it on some simple reason such as school, anything to be with him for just a little longer. but you couldn’t. it needed to be done.

“i want to break up,” you said, forcing the words out, fresh tears beginning to fall from your eyes. the weight you had expected to be lifted was not. instead, remorse crushed you. for a moment, you struggled to breath, the air trapped in your throat. it was only iwaizumi’s gentle nudging, the way he guided you through your breathing, that helped you regain a semblance of calm.

“no you don’t,” he said calmly, seeing right through you. there was never any point in lying to him. he could see right through any lies that slipped from your lips. “i also won’t let you.”

your eyes widened in fear, her face flashing to life in your brain. your scalped tingled in remembrance of the way she had yanked your hair. suddenly, you began to shake, wrapping your arms around yourself. you let out a wretched sob. “hajime... please.”

“no,” he said, rubbing your arm soothingly in an attempt to calm you. “you need to tell me what the fuck is going on. no hiding from me. we’re sorting this out and i’m going to find out who put such stupid ideas into your head and they’re going to pay.”

you shook your head weakly, but his hands were quick to stop your movements, thumb reaching out to brush away the tears collecting in the corner of your eye. he leant forward, resting his forehead against yours. “we’re sorting this out, okay?”

“okay.”

really, you should’ve known he would understand. you should have known that of anyone who would understand how helpless you were feeling, how truly you believed leaving the team was your only escape from their torment, was tendou. he had opened up to you, told you about his childhood, his experience with bullies. yet, you couldn’t open up to him, couldn’t tell him what was happening to you.

“why weren’t you at practice today?” questioned tendou, the first words out of his mouth when you opened your dorm room to him. the second thing he did was press a kiss to your lips, his hands going up to hold your face tenderly. “you’re not sick, are you? i hope not, otherwise i shouldn’t have kissed you. i guess we can be ill together though.”

“i quit,” you said, moving away from him and collapsing onto your bed, picking up the magazine you had discarded moments before. you opened it, using it as a shield to protect you from tendou’s gaze. his eyes narrowed as he looked at you.

“why would you do that?” he asked, moving over to the bed and sitting opposite you, reaching over to remove the magazine from in front of your face. you let out a grumble, though did little to actually resist.

“i didn’t feel like doing it anymore,” you lied, studying the wall behind him. it was painfully obvious you were avoiding his gaze, just further proof that you were lying to him. “it wasn’t fun anymore. besides, i need to focus on school.”

“tut tut,” he admonished, waggling his finger at you. him reprimanding you caused a small smile to tug at your lips, one that quickly vanished when he persisted. “why would you really quit?”

you crossed your arms over your chest, physically turning your body away from him. the quiet rejection did little to discourage him. instead, he reached for your hand.

“i saw you with some girls yesterday,” he admitted, taking careful note of the way your whole body suddenly stiffened. he chose his next words carefully, not wanting you to pull away, to refuse to confirm the suspicions he already had. “you looked upset. are you okay now?”

it was at those words that you finally turned to look at him, fresh tears making your eyes seem to shimmer. it was an oddly beautiful sight, mused tendou, reaching out with care to brush a finger along your jaw. sudden anger twisted your features, shattering the illusion and causing him to jerk his hand away.

“of course i’m not fucking okay,” you spat, yanking your hand from his landing a solid hit the mattress you were both sitting on. “it’s fucking pathetic that i let them have their way just because i was scared.”

you pushed up from the bed, turning around wildly, looking for something, anything, that would ease the emotions currently rushing through you. they were hard to distinguish, coming together to leave you craving for a release. tendou stood up to join you, holding his hands out in front of him.

“punch me,” he stated, stance adjusting so he was properly balanced. you didn’t even question it, balling your hands into fists and launching a fist into his palm. the crack of skin on skin echoed around the room, and you felt the release. he praised you, “solid hit. need to go again?”

you shook your head, stepping forward and leaning your head against his chest, fingers curling into the flimsy material of his shirt. his arms wrapped around you, holding you tight.

“what am i going to do?” you sighed. tendou shuffled backwards, pulling you along with him until he was sat on the bed, your legs either side of his own as you sat on his lap. he took your chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your face up to look at him.

“you’re going to re-join the team,” he explained, before a smirk twisted his features, “and i’m going to enlist some help to go and confront some bullies.”

he doesn’t say anything to you, doesn’t really do much to acknowledge the tears rolling down your cheeks other than to wrap his arm around your shoulder. you are tugged into his lean body, and are quick to turn your head into his chest to hide your tears from view. admittedly, it was a bit late at this point, the majority of the team having already passed you on their way into the gym. you had simply waved away their concerns, not thinking you could find the words to explain, to tell them you were leaving.

“so,” mused tsukishima, letting your bury your face into his chest, your hands clutching onto the material of his top. ordinarily, he would have told you to stop stretching the fabric. however, you had been off for a couple of days, more withdrawn, and he figured he was close to finding out the reason why. “what happened?”

you let out a stifle, finally looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes. “i left the team.”

“that doesn’t really answer my question though, does it?” he prodded. something told you he had an inclination at the cause behind it. there was no solid evidence to prove his suspicions, however. all he could go off was the look of trepidation in your eyes, the way you body would tense when certain people approached.

you shook your head, fists clenching tighter. he let out a soft sigh, his other arm coming around your body to hold you more securely against his chest. he reprimanded you softly, “you could have told me, or at least someone else on the team if you didn’t want me to know. i wouldn’t think any less of you because you’re being bullied.”

“they said it would get worse if i told anyone, if i didn’t do what they said,” you hiccupped, relaxing in his firm hold, soothed by the steady rise and fall of his chest.

“y/n,” he sighed, tilting his head down to look at you, “they’re just pathetic nobodies who are jealous of you. do you honestly think they could actually hurt you more if you told someone? i’d like to see them try.”

his hold brought you comfort, and you found yourself calming down. he released you, reaching down to take your hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, dropping a kiss to the top of your head in the process. as he walked back with you towards the gym, he murmured darkly, “i might just give them a small taste of their own medicine.”

“kei,” you warned, hand tightening on his, “don’t.”

“i’m still going to talk to them.”

“you don’t even know who they are.”

“i can guess, or you can tell me.”

you just shook your head, his words bringing a distraction from the emotions still just beneath the surface just as he knew they would.

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writingwithcolor · 3 years

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I'm writing an AU of a movie that takes place in the 1880s USA, where a travelling white character and a Jewish character are waylaid by Native Americans, who they befriend. Probably because it was written by and about PoC (Jews) the scene actually avoids the stuff on your Native American Masterpost, but I'd still like to do better than a movie made in the 1980's, and I feel weird cutting them from the plot entirely. I have a Jewish woman reading it for that, but are there any things you (1/1)

2/2 1880s western movie ask--are there things you'd LIKE to see in a movie where a white man and a Jewish man run into Native Americans in the 1880s? I do plan to base them on a real tribe (Ute, probably) and have proper housing/clothes and so forth, but right now I'm just trying to avoid or subvert awful cowboy movie tropes. Any ideas?

White and Jewish Men, Native American interactions in 1880s

I am vaguely concerned with how you only cite one of our posts about Native Americans, that was not written by a Native person, and do not cite any of the posts relating to this time period, or any posts relating to representation in media.

Sidenote: if you want us to give accurate reflections of the media you’re discussing, please tell us the NAME. I cannot go look up this movie based off this description to give you an idea of what my issues are with this scene, and must instead trust that the representation is good based off your judgement. I cannot make my own judgement. This is a problem. Especially since your whole question boils down to “this scene is good but not great and I want it to be great. How can I do that?”

Your baseline for “good” could very well be my baseline for “terrible hack job”. I can’t give you the proper education required for you to be able to accurately evaluate the media you’re watching for racist stereotypes if you don’t tell me what you’re even working with.

When you’re writing fanfic where the media is directly relevant to the question, please tell us the name of the media. We will not judge your tastes. We need this information in order to properly help you.

Moving on.

I bring up my concern for you citing that one—exceptionally old—post because it is lacking in many of the tropes that don’t exist in the media critique field but exist in the real world. This is an issue I have run into countless times on WWC (hence further concern you did not cite any other posts) and have spoken about at length.

People look at the media critique world exclusively, assume it is a complete evaluation of how Native Americans are seen in society, and as a result end up ignoring some really toxic stereotypes and then come to the inbox with “these characters aren’t abc trope, so they’re fine, but I want to rubber stamp them anyway. Anything wrong here?”. The answer is pretty much always yes.

Issue one: “Waylaid” by Native Americans

This wording is extremely loaded for one reason: Native American people are seen as tricksters, liars, and predators. This is the #1 trope that shows up in the real world that does not show up in media critique. It’s also the trope I have talked about the most when it comes to media representation, so you not knowing the trope is a sign you haven’t read the entirety of the Native tag—which is in the FAQ as something we would really prefer you did before coming at us to answer questions. It avoids us having to re-explain ourselves.

Now, hostility is honestly to be expected for the time period the movie is set in. This is in the beginnings (or ramping up) of residential schools in America* and Canada, we have generations upon generations of stolen or killed children, reserves being allocated perhaps hundreds of miles from sacred sites, and various wars with Plains and Southwest peoples are in full force (Wounded Knee would have happened in 1890, in December, and the Dakoa’s mass execution would have been in 1862. Those are just the big-name wars. There absolutely were others).

*America covers up its residential schools abuse extremely thoroughly, so if you try to research them in the American context you will come up empty. Please research Canada’s schools and apply the same abuse to America, as Canada has had a Truth and Reconciliation Commission about residential schools and therefore is more (but not completely) transparent about the abuse that happened. Please note that America’s history with residential schools is longer than Canada’s history. There is an extremely large trigger warning for mass child death when you do this research.

But just because the hostility is expected does not mean that this hostility would be treated well in the movie. Especially when you consider the sheer amount of tension between any Native actors and white actors, for how Sacheen Littlefeather had just been nearly beaten up by white actors at the 1973 Academy Awards for mentioning Wounded Knee, and the American Indian Religious Freedom Act had only been passed two years prior in 1978.

These Native actors would not have had the ability to truly consent to how they were shown, and this power dynamic has to be in your mind when you watch this scene over. I don’t care that the writers were from a discriminated-against background. This does not always result in being respectful, and I’ve also spoken about this power imbalance at length (primarily in the cowboy tag).

Documentaries and history specials made in the 2010s (with some degree of academic muster) will still fall into wording that harkens Indigenous people to wolves and settlers as frightened prey animals getting picked off by the mean animalistic Natives. This is not neutral, or good. This is perpetuating the myth that the settlers were helpless, just doing their own thing completely unobtrusively, and then the evil territorial Native Americans didn’t want to share.

To paraphrase Batman: if I had a week I couldn’t explain all the reasons that’s wrong.

How were these characters waylaid by the Native population? Because that answer—which I cannot get because you did not name the media—will determine how good the framing is. But based on the time period this movie was made alone, I do not trust it was done respectfully.

Issue 2: “Befriending”

I mentioned this was in an intense period of residential schools and land wars all in that area. The Ute themselves had just been massacred by Mormons in the Grass Valley Massacre in 1865, with ten men and an unknown number of women and children killed thanks to a case of assumed association with a war chief (Antonga Black Hawk) currently at war with Utah. The Paiute had been massacred in 1866. Over 100 Timpanogo men had been killed, with an unknown number of women and children enslaved by Brigham Young in Salt Lake City in 1850, with many of the enslaved people dying in captivity (those numbers were not tracked, but I would assume at least two hundred were enslaved— that’s simply assuming one woman/wife and one child for every man, and the numbers could have very well been higher if any war-widows and their children were in the group, not to mention families with multiple children). This is after an unknown group of Indigenous people had been killed by Governor Brigham Young the year prior, to “permanently stop cattle theft” from settlers.

The number of Native Americans killed in Utah in the 1800s—just the number of dead counted (since women and children weren’t counted)—in massacres not tied to war (because there was at least one war) is over 130. The actual number of random murders is much higher; between the uncounted deaths and how the Governor had issued orders to “deal with” the problem of cattle theft permanently. I doubt you would have been tried or convicted if you murdered Indigenous peoples on “your” land. This is why it’s called state sanctioned genocide.

This is not counting the Black Hawk War in Utah (1865-1872), which the Ute were absolutely a part of (the wiki articles I read were contradictory if Antonga Black Hawk was Ute or Timpanogo, but the Ute were part of it). The first official massacre tied to the war—the Bear River Massacre, ordered by the US Military—places the death count of just that singular massacre at over five hundred Shoshone, including elders, women, and children. It would not be unreasonable to assume that the number of Indigenous people killed in Utah from 1850, onward, is over a thousand, perhaps two or three.

Pardon me for not reading beyond that point to list more massacres and simply ballparking a number; the source will be linked for you to get an accurate number of dead.

So how did they befriend the Native population? Let alone see them as fully human considering the racism of the time period? Natives were absolutely not seen as fully human so long as they were tied to their culture, and assimilation equalling some sliver of respect was already a stick being waved around as a threat. This lack of humanity continues to the present day.

I’m not saying friendship is impossible. I am saying the sheer levels of mistrust that would exist between random wandering groups of white/pale men and Indigenous communities wouldn’t exactly make that friendship easy. Having the scene end be a genuine friendship feels ignorant and hollow and flattening of ongoing genocide, because settlers lied about their intentions and then lined you up for slauther (that’s how the Timpanogo were killed and enslaved).

Utah had already done most of its mass killing by this point. The era of trusting them was over. There was an active open hunting season, and the acceptable targets were the Indigenous populations of Utah.

(sources for the numbers:

List of Indian Massacres in North America Black Hawk War (1865-1872))

Issue 3: “Proper housing/clothes and so forth”

Do you mean Western style settlements and jeans? If yes, congratulations you have written a reservation which means the land-ripped-away wounds are going to be fresh, painful, and sore.

You do not codify what you mean by “proper”, and proper is another one of those deeply loaded colonial words that can mean “like a white man” or “appropriate for their tribe.” For the time period, it would be the former. Without specifying which direction you’re going for, I have no idea what you’re imagining. And without the name of the media, I don’t know what the basis of this is.

The reservation history of this time period seems to maybe have some wiggle room; there were two reservations allocated for the Ute at this time, one made in 1861 and another made in 1882 (they were combined into the Uintah and Ouray Indian Reservation in 1886). This is all at the surface level of a google and wikipedia search, so I have no idea how many lived in the bush and how many lived on the reserve.

There were certainly land defenders trying to tell Utah the land did not belong to them, so holdouts that avoided getting rounded up were certainly possible. But these holdouts would be far, far more hostile to anyone non-Native.

The Ute seemed to be some degree of lucky in that the reserve is on some of their ancestral territory, but any loss of land that large is going to leave huge scars.

It should be noted that reserves would mean the traditional clothing and housing would likely be forbidden, because assimilation logic was in full force and absolutely vicious at this time.

It’s a large reserve, so the possibility exists they could have accidentally ended up within the borders of it. I’m not sure how hostile the state government was for rounding up all the Ute, so I don’t know if there would have been pockets of them hiding out. In present day, half of the Ute tribe lives on the reserve, but this wasn’t necessarily true historically—it could have been a much higher percentage in either direction.

It’s up to you if you want to make them be reservation-bound or not. Regardless, the above mentioned genocide would have been pretty fresh, the land theft in negotiations or already having happened, and generally, the Ute would be well on their way to every assimilation attempt made from either residential schools, missionaries, and/or the forced settlement and pre-fab homes.

To Answer Your Question

I don’t want another flattened, sanitized portrayal of genocide.

Look at the number of dead above, the amount of land lost above, the amount of executive orders above. And try to tell me that these people would be anything less than completely and totally devastated. Beyond traumatized. Beyond broken hearted. Absolutely grief stricken with almost no soul left.

Their religion would have been illegal. Their children would have been stolen. Their land was taken away. A saying about post-apocalyptic fiction is how settler-based it is, because Indigenous people have already lived through their own apocalypse.

It would have all just happened at the time period this story is set in. All of the grief you feel now at the environment changing so drastically that you aren’t sure how you’ll survive? Take that, magnify it by an exponential amount because it happened, and you have the mindset of these Native characters.

This is not a topic to tread lightly. This is not a topic to read one masterpost and treat it as a golden rule when there is too much history buried in unmarked, overfull graves of school grounds and cities and battlefields. I doubt the movie you’re using is good representation if it doesn’t even hint at the amount of trauma these Native characters would have been through in thirty years.

A single generation, and the life that they had spent millennia living was gone. Despite massive losses of life trying to fight to preserve their culture and land.

Learn some history. That’s all I can tell you. Learn it, process it, and look outside of checklists. Look outside of media.

And let us have our grief.

~ Mod Lesya

On Question Framing

Please allow me the opportunity to comment on “are there things you'd LIKE to see in a movie where a white man and a Jewish man run into Native Americans in the 1880s?” That strikes me as the same type of question as asking what color food I’d like for lunch. I don’t see how the cultural backgrounds of characters I have literally no other information about is supposed to make me want anything in particular about them. I don’t know anything about their personalities or if they have anything in common.

Compare the following questions:

“Are there things you’d like to see in a movie where two American women, one from a Nordic background and one Jewish, are interacting?” I struggle to see how our backgrounds are going to yield any further inspiration. It certainly doesn’t tell you that we’re both queer and cling to each other’s support in a scary world; it doesn’t tell you that we uplift each other through mental illness; it doesn’t go into our 30 years of endless bizarre inside jokes related to everything from mustelids to bad subtitles.

Because: “white”, “Jewish”, and “Native American” aren’t personality words. You can ask me what kind of interaction I’d like to see from a high-strung overachieving woman and a happy-go-lucky Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and I’ll tell you I’d want fluffy f/f romance. Someone else might want conflict ultimately resolving in friendship. A third person might want them slowly getting on each other’s nerves more and more until one becomes a supervillain and the other must thwart her. But the same question about a cultural demographic? That told me nothing about the people involved.

Also, the first time I meet a new person from a very different culture, it might take weeks before discussion of our specific cultural differences comes up. As a consequence, my first deep conversations with a Costa Rican American gentile friend were not about Costa Rica or my Jewishness but about things we had in common: classical music and coping with breakups--which are obviously conversations I could have had if we were both Jewish, both Costa Rican gentiles, or both something else. So in other words, I’m having trouble seeing how knowing so little about these characters is supposed to give me something to want to see on the page.

Thank you for understanding.

(And yes, I agree with Lesya, what’s with this trend of people trying to explain their fandom in a roundabout way instead of mentioning it by name? It makes it harder to give meaningful help….)

--Shira

#platypan #genocide #native american #North America #america #history #american history #media #representation #asks

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