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pity party: attending - 1
declined - none
this can't be right. right? how come i'm always caught in my own pity parties. how come so many men are exactly the same trash replicated over and over again.
sometimes i GENUINELY wonder if the traditional men and women roles are the right way to go. maybe if i wasn't working - i wouldn't be as pissed off about all the shit i do at home.
queue: the waterworks (which, by the way i've been semi successful at holding back all day today, so just fuck off and let me have it, okay? okay).
at this point, i'm in my 8th year of marriage to this man. we've experienced long distance relationship, honeymoon stage, living together, owning together, vacation-ing together, and now parenting together. and i guess even a sort of separation together [read: he left for 2 months to go to pakistan sans wife and 3 yr old kid].
all of these "togethers" could have been rich life experiences. they could have been meaningful and loving and respectful.
but they weren't. i think the thing they were LEAST of all might actually have been together. how can that be? how do i turn my clock back to 0 hour at the time i started this marriage and start over.
or better yet, end it right away.
i don't know what mistake i'm continuing to pay for. but i guess that's not true. it's just a new mistake every single day when i engage him in conversation or when i task him with a chore or when i expect him to show up as a parent. if your partner is meant to "complete" you - then i feel that i am in a marriage where my partner actually manages to take away from me.
our household is toxic. our relationship is toxic. and the person who suffers the absolute fucking most is my kid.
my poor, little, innocent child who is 4 years old - he is so kind and fuck he's PATIENT. i'm 33 still trying to master this but my 4 year old kid has me beat. and maybe because of my own asshole behaviour he's had to become patient this early on in his young life.
i think back so much about all the times when i was asked "hey how could a western minded youth and an eastern minded youth get along and marry each other?" and i thought i had the best answer of all - he's not actually all that "conservative". but now i'm realizing that maybe while not conservative in the traditional and restrictive way - he actually is quite traditional. but also a smidge of modern.
he wants a working wife. but he also wants to not give up any of his own life to raise a fucking family.
and here i'm expected to make decision after decision. sacrifice after sacrifice, even consider the thought of expanding my family (khair ultimately that's in Allah swt's hands of course) all with the thought of how comletely unsupported i'll feel.
more and more i look around and people find themselves not having a lot of friends at my age. don't get me wrong. everyone has friends - but it's a tight group of maybe 2-4 CORE people. and no more. everyone else sort of filters out in the "acquaintance" column. so when i look at my significantly larger group of actual TIGHT friends - multiple groups including my actual family (mama/javaria) - i am so incredibly grateful. but maybe it was because Allah swt was preparing me for an actual life without a present partner. without a partner willing to show interest in our lives. in our families. in our home. in our child.
and again - don't get me wrong. i'm sure he loves us - or at least esa.
but feeling that love and then not showing up in any way with care or consideration or responsibility is so.....so cheap. you know?
and fuck me, i'm still trying to explain this to him. why? i don't know honestly.
in the middle it got better. but of course things have slowly regressed right back to the norm and here i am again. bitching and moaning and fucking frankly irritated that i can't just TAKE THE STEP to leave.
so. that's that.
that's the end of this rant.
the one thing i'll say that's a positive of it all is - every time i'm so triggered and emotional and upset about this stuff - i write. i guess when i'm happy i'm not as.....inspired? morbid, amiriteeee?
so someday, when i discover the audience that absolutely adores the anti self-help read - the bitching and moaning and complaining reads. that day i can compile all my blog posts and become famous.
but until then, here i am. another night of another day of another week of another month of another year - all different then before, but all alarmingly the same.
-k
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let 'em
here's the let 'em philosophy.
if someone does something you don't like - let 'em.
if they criticize you - let 'em.
if they do anything that they're doing that you don't like - you. just. let. 'em.
so i'm trying to implement this in my life.
yasir has changed immensely. he's gotten so much better with handling home responsibilities.
and i am so incredibly happy and grateful for that. but there are still habits and actions of his that bother me. specifically the amount of time he spends outside of the house. and the LACK of time he spends with esa. like actual quality time with the phone down, like time that he plays with him. time that he cherishes with him.
and at this point, given how much yasir has changed....i have to draw the line for myself. i cannot be responsible for my husband's relationship with our son.
so if he doesn't spend time in the home enough with esa or i, but he still completes his responsibilities in the house....that should be enough.
i mean my brain continues to say that it isn't enough and it shouldn't be enough and he should understand....ultimately, it is not a problem i can solve.
i can't change the way yasir behaves or spends his time.
and yes, this is unfair because while i do enjoy spending time with my kid so much, i also deserve to have a partner who is present.
but if i'm given the option between what this evolved version of man is now and hoping to push my luck even further...frankly i don't care for it.
it's been a long fucking struggle getting here. and i'm not in the business of raising grown ass men.
so here's to accepting this behaviour. here's to deciding that if yasir does something dumb or stupid or misses opportunities with his child or wife or in his home or if he doesn't realize the consequences of this missed time....then i. will. LET. HIM.
because his relationships and his time are not my problem as long as he's handling responsibilities at home.
done.
that's my piece. and now i've said it.
good night,
k
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literally a GodSent...maybe an Angel
today was a tough day.
actually, most days are tough these days.
esa is becoming....I don't know even. i don't know what he's becoming but dealing with it day in day out (despite that he's off in daycare for MOST of the day) is getting more and more difficult.
he's becoming spoilt, i guess, if i had to label it anything.
he won't eat, he won't shower, he won't listen, he will tantrum, he will pee himself, he will constantly have accidents. i don't know what is happening and frankly i don't know how to deal with it.
and i remain as calm as possible for as long as possible, but then i eventually and inevitably end up exploding at him. and yelling and screaming and just letting it all out.
which is not okay. so please don't come at me with the whole parenting schpeal, because i promise you won't find anyone else in the world who is as ashamed of herself than i am.
and who is as remorseful as i become the second after it happens.
i don't know what to do. i don't know how to remain firm and i don't know how to let him be and i don't know how to calm myself and i just don't know how to parent. ultimately that's what it is. every time i find myself coming back around to the conclusion that we could or should have another child or at least try for one (Allah swt gives or does not, that's not in anyone's hands but His) - new behaviours show up in esa.
and then i'm angry all over again. angry that i even risked trying. angry about all things yasir because he's my main outlet for all of this anger.
angry angry angry angry at my life.
angry at the one main thing i think i regret to this day which i can't actually put into writing or words.
i'm angry.
and maybe i'm entitled. entitled to believing that i don't deserve this. this life, this trestment, all of this bs.
except that i'm right. i don't deserve this life. this blessing. this child, this home, this spouse, this job, i don't deserve any of it.
so what the fuck man,
what. the. fuck.
that's all. good night.
k
PS l o l o l i wrote this whole thing, posted it, left the page, and then 10 minutes later came back to my blog page only to realize i completely forgot to tell the story that i've titled this post for!
today was tough because i took esa to his (last) t-ball lesson and he just sat there and was pissed about wearing the shoes he was wearing and we basically spent 20 minutes not doing anything except me asking him to decide on what to do and him saying he wants to go to t-ball, but no he wants to go home, but he wants to wear the shoes, and he wants to be the best, and he wants to not wear the shoes.
i was THIS close to losing my shit with him in public and dragging him to the car to just fuck off and go home and skip his last goddamn lesson.
even as i'm writing this out, maybe it's visible too with my harsh fucking language, that i'm pissed. i'm feeling the anger that i was feeling back then.
and that was when a literal Godsent Angel walked by. this woman - i don't know how much of the 20 minute circus she had seen (i don't think much, because she was just walking in from the entrance) - but i assume it to be very little. but something compelled her to just interject.
she said she has a 2 and 4 year old and they're the same way. and then she asked esa to put on his shoes and showed him a loonie. and said she would give it to him if he listened. which of course. he finally did. and he went in. and she....i think she might have been there actually for esa because i was so near tears and all out humiliation that i don't know what i would have done if she hadn't come by.
but she did. subhanallah. shukar alhumdulillah. for this woman. she was so supportive and kind. and she saved me in so many ways.
yasir had a doctor's appointment tonight so he couldn't be there with me. and Allah swt answered a prayer i didn't even ask of Him. and i should be more grateful for that. it's true that He only gives us trials that we can handle. because i was not able to handle what was happening in that moment.
subhanallah.
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sigh.
how do you teach responsibility?
or if you are a responsible person yourself - how were you taught it?
i consider myself fairly responsible. but i can't seem to pinpoint which part of my nurturing brings about that trait for me.
and what if it was no part of my nurturing? what if it's just in my nature? but i don't truly believe that.
because when i don't want to be, i can convince myself i have no reason to be responsible for something. but it is the voice that fights back - that claims responsibility. that is the real thing that i could say is "responsibility" in my mind.
so how do i transfer that voice along? first and foremost to my kid, as a parent. but also, how do i transfer it along to yasir?
how can i impress upon him the importance of completing his tasks in a timely manner....of completing them with care and integrity.
how can i do that without accidentally making myself crazy?
i mean, don't get me wrong. he's changed and is changing a LOT. so i guess maybe i should just suck it up and be patient - rome wasn't built in a day.
maybe that's the best thing for me to do right now.
so here i go. i'm shutting up.
and i'm praying to Allah swt - that this man be blessed with a similar inner voice. calling him out to be responsible.
much love,
k
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MEXICO 2024
feb 21st - 26th, 2024 - we went to mexico. we stayed at an all inclusive which isn't new for yasir or i (read: dominican republic and cuba), but this WAS the first time we went with a big family group!
so who was it?
mama and my khala
my sister, bil, and my niece
my cousin, bil, and my nephew and niece
my cousin, and sil
us (esa, yasir, and i)
so that's a total of 4 kids and 10 adults!
and it was basically perfect!
we booked our air transat package back in november (or maybe end of october?) 2023 and have been planning and looking forward to it ever since.
here's a breakdown of our activities by day!
FEB 21ST, 2024 - WED - DAY 1
our flight was at 6:30 AM in the morning and so of course we arrived at the airport by about 4:30 AM
we had checked in previously, got our baggage sent in, and then went in to wait for the flight
we (my cousin, sister, and sil) had planned matching outfits for each of our "subgroups" - the women, the men, and the kids
so our first matching day was the day of our arrival - the women all wore shirts (designed and made by javaria) that said "moms, minis, and mocktails - mexico 2024"
side note: my guy cousin and sil were late additions to our plans since they originally hadn't booked with us, so my sil's shirt actually said "mami's, minis, and mocktails" (they don't have kids) - it was perfect and javaria literally handed it to her at the airport
we arrived in mexico and got into our private transfer (normally included in the package from airport to resort, however we decided since it was a big group it would just make sense to skip over the transfer that would stop at all the other resorts and go straight to our resort
we arrived at our resort - bahia principe grand coba in riviera maya at about 1:15-ish. unfortunately, check in was at 4 pm so our rooms weren't ready yet - so we got our bracelets and headed straight to the buffet for lunch :p (pait pooja, y'know :p)
our room was one of the first ones to be ready for us, so we went to our room and i changed and then back to the buffet
after the buffet i took esa to the kiddie pool with the slides et al
the first day since everyone was tired, we sort of just settled in, then had dinner all together at the buffet again and had an early night
FEB 22ND, 2024 - THU - DAY 2
the following day we woke up early, got ready for the day and headed to the buffet for breakfast
every day for breakfast, we'd usually be the first to arrive and grab the big family size table
then we'd sit and eat and slowly but surely everyone would trickle in
i think in total breakfast was usually our longest meal clocking in at probably around 2 hours from the start of the very first person to the end of the very last person LOL
while we waited for everyone to prepare for the next portion of the day, esa, yasir, and i went to the little kids area and esa played in the sand and swings and slide
after that we all piled into a trolley and went to the beach
there we played in the water and sand
the guys brought over snorkel equipment and we did that (hashtag RAGRETS for not taking my phone clear cover because i couldn't make any videos of the sea urchins and little fishies i saw URGH)
also got a bunch of bruises because the beach was quite rocky - but that was also the reason it was filled with sea life, i assume so definitely enjoyed that
then around lunchtime we went to the resorts' in-house dolphin entertainment and each of us got to play with the dolphins
it was the coolest experience, dolphins are such intelligent animals and so kind and gentle...i felt also pretty bad because they're kept in such a small enclosure.
there were 3 dolphins - atlantis, nautica, and i can't recall the name of the third one unfortunately
we did things like high five them, hold them up sort of up in the water, have them kiss our cheeks....it was adorable
then we bargained and bargained and managed to bring down the price of the digital pictures to a ridiculously low $40 USD per person for the FULL digital album which was only the best thing in the world and we purchased them
after that we had a quick lunch and then went back to wash up in our rooms - it was already early supper time
once we were all showered and cleaned up, we went back to meet the family for dinner at the buffet
after we spent a couple hours having dinner, we went out and the resort was hosting a fire show entertainment thing so we went and watched that - esa danced through a lot of it lol
the night time pictures came out like....magic.
then we went back to our rooms and fell asleep
FEB 23RD, 2024 - FRI - DAY 3
as per the usual, we all met up for breakfast
then yasir sprung on me that him and my guy cousin had made plans to go to the beach
which angered me - big fight # 1 lol
so i made him take esa to the kiddie water park after breakfast and they hung out there for a while
i went back to the room to lay down but also ended up cleaning up, taking out outfits, and just doing general sorting - it helps me to get through my frustrations if i clean or sort of organize any part of my life that is an easy quick win for me at the time
once they came back, yasir gave esa a quick shower and we had lunch - after lunch, we came back to the room and took a little afternoon nap
this was the day we had booked our FULL FAMILY a la carte dinner at the indian place at the sister resort - tulum :p
the name of the restaurant was thali
after the nap, we woke up - i prettied up with makeup et al (was feeling myself this day, because i loved my makeup and dress) and we made our way to the lobby
this was the day we'd picked for all the MEN to coordinate in the same shirts - they of course didn't know this was going to happen but i'm sure guessed :p lol
we had also decided to have a quick visit to the in-resort "hacienda" (market place) called donna isabel
again we piled into a trolley and went to the hacienda
also at the hacienda, immediately esa decided he wanted a magnet with a fish or shark on it which yasir purchased for him
then he went into the next store up and saw another magnet that he fell in love with, that yasir again purchased for him lol
then we walked around, took a big group picture with the "viva mexico sign", had some snacks and mocktails, and it was time for dinner
at the thali restaurant, all the women and kids sat at the large table and then the men sat at their own table because their largest table wasn't large enough for our whole group (that's kind of a humble brag, i won't lie lol)
we ordered thali, there were samosas, aloo tikkis, vadda pav (all with raisins in them lol)
after dinner at tulum, we came back to coba and did a 360 dance reel (which i have been wanting to do since NYC 2023 :p)
we then watched the nighttime show in the theatre which was pretty awesome
we didn't watch the whole thing because it had been a long day and the kids especially needed to go to bed (my nephew also got bird-pooped on lol) so we went to sleep
FEB 24TH, 2024 - SAT - DAY 4
on this day we (yasir, esa, and i) had booked our excursion! we woke up and went for breakfast at the buffet per usual
then we went to the lobby to be picked up at about 9 AM to go to a cenote (called HUBIKO) where we got to swim in the water and have lunch
it was such a gorgeous place, the water was about 65 ft deep (so obviously didn't dare go in without life jackets)
also at the cenote, we had esa's mayan calendar made which was so cute; it had kind of a "horoscope" type feel of what esa might be like as a person - obviously i don't believe in horoscopes but it was a fun read
the most entertaining thing from his calendar was the accuracy (it talked about how he would start off rebellious as a child - which is v true lol) and then in the future he would go on to become kind and empathetic (inshallah this is true!). however, he might have difficulty connecting his passion for serving humankind with earning income LOL which is a-okay by me. i'm saving now so he can have what he needs and inshallah he is able to afford a basic lifestyle when he grows up....but if his main purpose in life to serve others and look out for humankind won't earn him money, then it doesn't matter so much because it will earn him sawaab and what greater knowledge for a parent to know that their child is inshallah khair destined for jannat is there.
again, obviously, i don't believe in horoscopes - it obviously could be completely the opposite of what esa actually ends up becoming but there you have it.
after the cenote, at lunch, we saw some traditional mexican couple dancing which was really cool!
then we headed back to the bus to go to chichen itza
chichen itza was a city built by the mayans way back in the day and it is currently part of the "new" 7 wonders of the world and is a registered UNESCO world heritage site
over there we saw the mayan temples and ruins that exist and have been preserved
there was some really cool history that we learned about...we learned about how mayans built their calendars around a woman's natural cycle and how every number holds significance to the body and number of limbs etc - it was very cool!
also at chichen itza, i purchased a floppy sun hat which i loved
and last we piled back into the bus to go and visit the city of valladolid (pronounced baayaa-doe-leed)
the significance of this city was that it was the first to be colonized by spanish inquisitors and it was built on top of a mayan city similar to chichen itza - however where chichen itza was preserved, that mayan city was unfortunately broken down and re-built upon :(
valladolid also houses the first catholic churches in mexico which was super cool
this was the part that i expected yasir would have enjoyed the most - and truly he would have, except unfortunately we had EXTREMELY little time to actually see this place so it was great but also kind of super rushed :(
we got back to the resort at about 8 PM that night and headed straight to dinner
FEB 25TH, 2024 - SUN - DAY 5
on this day, of course, started off our day as usual at the breakfast buffet
then we did a bike tour with the resort (it was included as part of the activities at the resort)
then we went to the pool for the first time that week
at the pool we played with my sister and bil and niece
then we got out and had lunch at the snack bar next to the pool (first time eating there)
after lunch, we got back to our room and bathed and again took a nap
i think this was our second big fight lol because there was some foam party happening that all of a sudden yasir wanted to go to
that night we had decided to coordinate all the kids outfits - we got them shirts that said "cousin crew"
esa of course gave me a super hard time and didn't actually end up wearing it until my cousin and my sister and my mom basically begged him to -_-
and we were able to get the pictures in the lobby
i think this might be the first vacation that esa will remember and for us to have been able to capture that picture made me so happy!
we had dinner with all the family at about 6:00 PM to 7:1t5 PM-ish - but we didn't actually eat much because i had booked our a la carte dinner that night at tulum
and at 7:30 PM there was a family night happening at hacienda - luckily it worked out HUGELY in our favour that our dinner rezzos were at 8:30 PM (it was later than i would have ever preferred) and hacienda party started at 7:30 PM because i still managed to get some food into esa at the buffet
at the kids party, esa got some face painting done, and then there was a clown show that they all watched while having cookies and popcorn - it was lovely
after that we headed to our rezzos and had a nice dinner
after dinner, we got back to our room and slept
FEB 26TH, 2024 - MON - DAY 6
this was our last day and probably the day i will always regret the MOST
the rest of the family had opted to do an excursion on the last day of doing buggy riding through a forest-y area and then go swimming in a cenote that was done by about noon
however we had to check out at noon
we requested late check outs (at 3 PM) however only 2 of our rooms ended up actually being able to get late checkouts unfortunately
and this made me feel a bit overwhelmed and i just got inside my head and had opted against doing the excursion altoghether
i should have just sucked it up and done it, because again, #RAGRETS amiriteeeee?
anyway, the rest of the family went for their excursion and we headed back to our room to finish packing up
after we were done we put our luggage into one of the rooms that did get the late check outs and then had lunch at the food truck - also their soft serve ice cream
after that, the rest of the family got back and we joined them at the buffet
then my guy cousin and his wife went to sian kaan (sister resort - since they joined the whole plan a bit later, they were unable to book at coba) and i went with them just to walk around a little bit and see an in-resort cenote
that was pretty cool - also had some coffee cake at their buffet
oh ya and before i went with them, yasir and i had fight # 3 in front of my cousin and his wife which was just peachy keen lol
when we got back to coba, it was about 3 PM and the remainder of the rooms had to check out - so we all hung out at the lobby and had some drinks before our transfer arrived at about 4:30 PM
the transfer took us to the airport, where we had some dinner and then boarded our flight at 6:30 PM to come home
got home at about 2:10 AM in the night and headed straight to bed
and that was the end of our mexico trip.
when i write it out like this, it feels like there wasn't a lot to it. but all the memories and happinesses and pictures swimming around in my head beg to differ. nay, DEMAND to differ.
it was such a good experience and family trip. it made me feel so much closer to my family. and overall i had an excellent time.
and that's all!
much love homies,
-k
#mexico 2024#riviera maya#bahia principe grand coba#hubiku cenote#chichen itza#valladolid#family all inclusive vacation#food#drink#sleep
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the laughs are coming easier, the anger is getting calmer
i want to throw all my caution to the wind with this post and just write.
i pledge to not do any disclaimers, any explanations, any ANYTHING. i picture all my vulnerabilities and hopes and happinesses flying out of my finger tips on to this page tonight and i want to let them free because fuck it i deserve this happiness and this moment.
and you know what? i am. i am happy.
i am so content in this moment.
it doesn't feel fragile. it doesn't feel like glass that could break any second. it doesn't feel like egg shells. and despite all that, it doesn't feel manufactured. it feels natural and real and tangible like i'm touching it.
i'm not sure what's happened. i'm not sure if yasir has changed more than he had ever before or if i've evolved to truly not give as many fucks as i did.
i believe it's a bit of both, but i am also consistently seeing growth and change from him. he's listening. he's respecting. he's becoming aware of his actions and how they effect me.
he is giving me consideration and thought and attention and time.
and not only me. he is giving it to esa.
and for my part, i am letting go easier. i'm moving past easier. i'm allowing distance and space and time to do their part. i'm letting go of any control i thought i had on time or yasir or of the world reacts to me and my actions.
i am more conscious in my actions. i am more conscious in my decisions. and i am a LOT more respectful towards yasir.
and for the first time in a long time i'm seeing that my marriage is actually sustainable.
by me. by yasir.
for esa. for anyone new that comes along. (this is my way of saying we're not trying not to :p)
and that's all.
i've opened myself up and put my heart on my sleeve. and it maybe feels a bit scary, but mostly it feels good.
much love,
k
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this. goddamn. month.
never fucking ends!
i swear we've been in january for the past year and even just january 31st has last TEN FREAKING DAYS at this point.
but anyway.
things are....as they are.
i'm so confused about so much in my life.
i've been riding on the wave of sympathy situated on my high horse for so long that now i feel like i'm falling. maybe the problems between yasir and i are not....real problems. maybe i've manufactured them because i'm unwavering in my stubborn behaviour!?
i don't honestly even know how to move forward from this potential realization.
but i think that's not it.
i mean, that's not it in its entirety.
my feelings for resentment and lack of contentment from yasir are valid too.
but my petty behaviour and disrespect are also extreme and should be curbed.
i'm just so tired though.
overall i'm just tired. of having these problems. of feeling this way.
of being so weighed down all the time.
i wish i weren't me.
i wish i were someone who could handle this.
i'm trying so hard to change but the resentment just finds its way back to my heart and i don't know how to move forward from it.
that's all.
much love,
k
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the past few days
over the past few days i've been wanting to crack open my laptop and start typing out the cacophony happening in my brain. (i understand the definition of this word, i can only half guess that my use of it is correct, so if it's wrong - shut up).
but of course, now that i've finally pulled the motivation out, nothing is coming to mind. even though i've experienced some big feelings all i can recall are as follows:
wanted to spend a full post talking about how a whole year begins, middles, and ends within the month of january at the pace that this month goes through. and i'm rigtht on this, so don't fight me.
wanted to have a full fledged pity party for myself as i do so often and title it "the path to hell is paved with good intentions". i would have started it off with "...and i think i'm walking that very path right now". it was going to be such a fun, self loathing sesh. but that's out of my system in the current moment. if summoned with even a little bit of effort, it would come running back, but WE ARE ADULTS AND WE ARE MOVING PAST IT.
so yasir is coming back tomorrow.
and i'm happy about it.
let's sit with that for a moment. i want to be brutally and totally honest with myself and I don't know if that brutality lies in the "fact" that i'm genuinely happy for myself that my husband is returning or that i'm overjoyed that i won't have to see esa hurting anymore.
frankly, if either of those are true....it would be a brutal honest thing. why couldn't i just be normal and have both of them be true, you ask?
maybe [queue gasp] I AM NORMAL and both of those ARE TRUE.
but to get to the bottom of that....i'm going to take a pause. you won't obviously experience it as you read it, but future komal, i want you to know that you stopped typing, closed your eyes, and TRULY contemplated which of those 3 scenarios were the most true for you. now.
okay. i've sat with my feelings and my truth and i've thought about it. and here it is:
as people have been asking how i'm feeling and if i'm excited for yasir to be coming back tomorrow, i've been responding with "yes!", "so ecstatic", general happiness and merriment.
i've even given thought to how i will greet him. will i run up to him and give him a kiss on his forehead? but that will of course break my heart because he will immediately pull away and push me away since that's probably the most embarassing scenario that could happen to him.
will i walk up non chalantly and give him a fist bump? to spite his family because supposedly they would make so much fun of his stupid wife's pda-ing ways so that will give them something to talk about?
as you can see, the crazy juices have been running on full gear.
i think....truly, and honestly, i haven't decided. maybe there will be a lot of commotion at the airport and i'll be generally handling esa so i won't be able to react much to him returning.
but the fact is....i think i want to kiss him. and hug him. and feel him reciprocate it. i want to action these things that i know will return in sort of a heartbreak for me, because....because what? i think i'm seeking validation? i think, most of all....i'm seeking his love.
i'm seeking a feeling of knowing that he will hug me back despite how embarrassed he might feel. that he will give me the love the way i want to receive it despite that giving me something the way i want goes against every single principle that he upholds in his adult life.
so i guess the question becomes - do i really want him to hug me and kiss me back? or do i want to see that he could? am i seeking the wrong sort of love? am i seeking it for the wrong intentions?
i don't know. all i know is...i would like to experience it.
but i think 2 months - the duration of him being away - is not really a long enough time for him to show me love as if he's just seeing us against after years and years of separation.
so....here's my resolution for tomorrow. i will respectfully and happily welcome him back. i will be happy about it. but i will not show my happiness at the cost of my heartache. i will not hug him or kiss him (unless he initiates it, but do i even need to say that bit out loud?) because i don't know how much more i can continue to make myself open and vulnerable to this man who...cares for so much more beyond me and his consideration of me.
and that might sound like it's coming off resentful - and maybe it was 2 months ago when i was living it. but now, it's really just fact.
that's not to say that it won't become resentment again tomorrow or the day after or the day after.
the heart is a fickle fickle thing.
ANYWAY. that's that. now onto true and genuine feelings that i can express and i won't be broken hearted or vulnerable in expressing.
but even as i'm about to type this out, there is doubt creeping into my mind about the truthfulness of my belief. anyway. i was going to say....i will be so happy to have esa see his father tomorrow.
i've not done right by esa i think. when i got mad at him and yelled any time during the past 2 months - he asked for his baba. and how come i'm still the person carrying this guilt? i was there, i was present, i was an asshole parent who yelled at her kid but i was there goddammit. so how come this guilt isn't going away?
anyway. i'm just a big open wound over here.
i'm going to stop. i should get some sleep tonight otherwise who's going to overthink all of this tomorrow.
goodnight.
-k
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asking too much
sometimes i feel like i'm being asked too much.
and i get it. of all the problems in all the world - i can't possibly be actually being asked too much. i just have to say it because i'm feeling a lot of guilt of my own to be even complaining about this.
but sometimes, i do feel it. like i'm being shown a lot of disrespect and frankly a complete lack or care or consideration and i'm asked in every scenario to rise above.
it's fucking hard.
i don't want to rise above. i don't want to be the bigger person.
i want to take the piling steam of resentment in my heart and shove it in everyone's face who makes me feel the way i do.
and often times i do shove it, right into my husband's face. but he is not the only person i resent.
i resent so much and so often and with such a fierce vigour.
i think something essential inside me might be broken because i can't seem to LET. THINGS. GO.
but then i think the things i'm asking myself to let go are REALLY FUCKING SHITTY.
WHY SHOULD I LET GO.
why does my pain or my hurt not count. why do i have to shove my shit under every single rug i can find?
what is this broken thing inside me that refuses to mend itself and if it's truly broken and shattered how can the person holding the broken piece be asked to fix it themselves. how can i diagnose and heal my own shit when i'm suffering from it simultaneously.
it's not fair. and it's too much to ask.
i'm just one person.
welcome to my shitty asshole fucking dispicable personality. i am feeling lower than dirt right now and i hate it.
fuck this.
-k
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the good place - SPOILER ALERT
i'm currently binging this show. i started watching it a while ago when it first came out but lost momentum when i had to wait for next seasons etc. so this time i've started right back at the beginning.
i am sincerely enjoying this show and in light of the "veil" that's been lifted from my own eyes since oct 7th , 2023 (#freepalestine), it has started to feel like this show has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
the premise of the show is that 4 humans die and wake up in the afterlife and are led to the "good place" ie the general understanding of a "heaven". but [IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW AND DO NOT WANT SPOILERS, STOP READING HERE] what ends up being revealed is that those 4 people have actually been sent to the BAD place ("hell") but have been led to believe that they were in the good place!
and have had to experience subtle tortures in the bad place that completely ruins their "good place" experience.
and i just feel like is there a more perfect metaphor or anecdote for our lives these days. especially for those of us living in the "civilized western world".
the world that gives us all the comforts we need, but always leaves us either wanting for more or else completely stretched out in order to afford the stuff we do have?
one of the things that i think is such a PERFECT plot point in the good place is the fact that instead of ice cream, the place is filled with frozen yogurt places. in the scene where the "architect" is trying to come up with this idea, he asks his assistant "janet, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?".
to which janet responds "frozen yogurt".
have we not been led to believe how much we will enjoy our worldly possessions. how much we need the houses that we spend our money mortgaging, how much we need that designer LITERALLY ANYTHING in our lives? in the world of massive multinational corporations driving our demand towards whatever they're supplying, have we not been brainwashed into believing that they will solve our problems? when....in actual reality....we might not actually HAVE problems!?
URGH.
life out west is exactly this; it's a life people think they enjoy, people strive to achieve, but it's also kind of a bummer. we work all the time, we live for the weekends. we purchase devices to engage with other human beings and make connections and lo and behold those same devices are the things that drive us away from those SUPER NATURAL experiences!
we earn money to have food, then we earn money to have a car, then we earn money to have shelter. but it's not enough. we need the best food. we need another car. we need a mortgage over a rental. and after the mortgage, we need a cottage and an airbnb. we need these things that we don't actually need in order to sustain a life that perhaps, if someday, we had the balls to be honest with ourselves...we don't actually want!
and i get it, i'm the biggest victim of capitalism and the "American dream" that i know. i refused to even consider having a child until i had signed off on a mortgage. WHY? would a rental not have sufficed for esa who yearns so badly to sleep in his parents' room, in his parents' bed?
we needed a car and then we needed another car because we were just going to our jobs and both of us work and yasir has a side business all for what? so that we could afford our home?
and now we want a bigger home so that we can continue to work and not actually spend any time in said home!? what are these weird toxic circles that we're building for ourselves!?
when Allah swt has asked us for none of this. He has not asked us to build houses. He's asked us to build families. He has not asked us to buy cars. He's not asked us to have iphones or teslas or guccis or pradas. He's asked us for faith and tawakkul and worship. and He has promised us reward in return.
and yet we walk about our daily lives as if we have control over these things!? i'm planning my family as if i have any control over actually having a child!? i'm planning my career as if i have any control over receiving a promotion!?
obviously, i still understand, the control we do have lies in our hard work and Allah swt rewards honest hard work. but i mean....if it's not meant for us, it will not be for us. and if it is meant for us, nothing will stop it from us. so how do we go around with the audacity to believe we have any semblance of control.
anyway. i have just gone through some pretty big life realizations since this past october and i just....i guess i feel jilted. i feel like i've been lied to. i've been brainwashed and pushed into wanting a certain life for myself that i didn't ever really need. but here i am...fulfilling it's demands.
when perhaps my purpose on this earth was not any of that.
anyway. before i become incomprehensible, i'm going to end this post.
much love,
goodnight.
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alhumdulillah
i want to say that this post is a post for gratitude. but my gratitude in one breath is guilt in the next.
yesterday it rained here a lot. it rained and rained. the day started off clear but then it snowed and because the temperatures weren't low it, it rained. through the afternoon all the way to the night time and i'm not sure how long after i had gone to sleep.
and as i was in bed, listening to the rain outside, listening to the wind, listening to things rattle and move with the elements...i was acutely aware of my immense gratitude.
my ability to experience concern about some noise i was hearing outside but to almost let it go and will myself to ignore it because i was indoors, and dry, and clean, sleeping safely in bed next to my kid brought on so much gratitude in my heart for all the blessings i have been given.
it also brought on that one reel i saw from bisan from gaza. the reel in which she talks about how she's living in a makeshift tent outdoors, and it's cold, and it's raining, and she's not okay. and the millions of others displaced right alongside her are also not okay.
and...that brought on a lot of guilt. guilt because what's so special about me? why do i get to deserve this life of comfort and ease and wealth (though we are not wealthy by any means if you're counting strictly by monetary standards, i still believe we are wealthy in every other way).
and the answer is - i don't. or rather, i do deserve this life. just like how bisan deserves this life. like how motaz and plestia deserve this life. and these are just the names i know. the names i don't know of real people, real humans, with real lives and souls that are constantly in danger.....they all deserve this life. they all deserve the chance to try and make something of their lives. they deserve a free land. they deserve their birthrights.
we are living in a cruel world and a cruel time where humans can make ourselves believe that just because some folks are born in one part of the world they deserve to be villainized and de-humanized. and that belief allows us to commit HUGE atrocities against these equally HUMAN people.
it is mind BOGGLING to me that i'm sitting here peacefully writing this post about my health in my home, with every comfort afforded to me, and yet i am unable to do anything for those millions more exactly like me having their homes stripped away from them. having their lives ruined or ended.
may Allah swt have rahem on the people of falasteen. may Allah swt elevate their ranks in jannat ul firdous for the injustices that are being committed against them by their own fellow species.
may Allah swt bring softness in all our hearts. may we never stop speaking about falasteen, about the people, about their suffering, may we never ever forget their pain and the violence that they are experiencing.
i am grateful and i am guilty and my inaction makes me complicit in this terrible violence and may Allah swt forgive me for this. may Allah swt forgive me forgive me forgive me.
maybe in the duniya, i have been given this life that i am constantly grateful for....but in the akhirah, i just don't know. Allah knows best.
goodnight, or in my case, good morning.
-k
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cravings
i recently learned that the urdu word for "crave" or "craving" can be translated to "talab" (unless i am mistranslating - in which case, really too bad, i love this word under this context) and i think it's such an elegant word.
such an elegant word that's soft on the tongue; talab (not pronounced the way it would be phonetically in english, but with a "soft" t? is that a thing?). but with such a big definition.
mujhe sakoon ke lamhon ki talab hai.
mujhe khamoshi ki talab hai.
i don't know why, maybe it's age, but i've become the person that has started to look forward to quiet moments on my own.
quiet moments to do nothing at all. which isn't new if i'm talking historically, but the difference is, now i want my "peace" even over the things i generally enjoy. like spending time with family or friends.
like as an example - i'm sick at the moment. and of course mama is worried sick about me since i'm also solo parenting and i have to go into the office every week. so she keeps saying she'll come over.
but since pre-new years, the long weekend holiday time was quite full of activity. and then when i got home i got sick, of course. and now its the weekend and i'm still sick (but on the mend, hopefully, finally got some medicine) and esa is home. which, don't get me wrong, i love that. esa is growing independent day by day and it's so good to be home with him just enjoying our space together.
my little baby is not a little baby anymore and....well i mean i could go on this tangent for the rest of my life. but let's focus.
so anyway, i'm on the mend and my cleaning lady is coming on monday and she'll do a deep clean. and that means, i will get to enjoy a clean home. a deep cleaned home. with esa at daycare. and sure, i'll be working on monday, but STILL. i will get to enjoy some peace in my clean home. and while i love it when my mother comes, and she does SO MUCH for me....my talab for that moment of sitting silently in my clean home...taking a shower and feeling refreshed was so great....i pushed really hard on the whole "i'm fine" bit, to hopefully ensure my mom didn't end up coming.
which i think she sensed. and i think she was upset about (rightfully so, i think my own heart might break too).
but this talab for quiet. for clean. for peace is SO GREAT in me that i risked hurting my mother's feelings.
and frankly, probably did it.
so i am asking why. kyun mujhe itna ziyada sakoon ka aur safayi ka talab hai.
jab ke esa ke saath time guzaar ke, mama ke saath time guzaar ke, family aur doston ke saath time guzaar ke bhi mujhe bohat khushi milti hai. aur main un waqton ke liye bhi shadeed shukar guzar hoon.
lekin apne ghar mein sakoon se chup chaap baith ker ek ajeeb sa gratitude dil mein baith jaata hai. ek aisa ehsaas - woh asal cheese jiski mujhe talab hai. shayad sakoon nahin, chup chaap nahin, sirf woh ehsaas jisme main....sakoon mein hoon.
that moment of complete bliss and happiness and contentness in my life. that moment of complete satisfaction.
in a clean and quiet home, when i have showered, food is prepared, beds are made....i want for nothing.
i wish i could freeze that moment. it's the moment in which i...i'm not sure what it is. i think it's the moment i can feel God. truly. the moment in which i can feel his immense presence and i can feel the immense gratitude for all that i have been given. especially in light of what is happening in the world during this time.
it is the moment in which i don't want to move for fear of shifting the balance and the same moment in which i recognize just how fragile this balance might even be.
it is the moment of true and pure happiness for me. is that wild? crazy? psychotic? normal?
i don't know.
all i know is that it IS. and i crave it. i have talab for it. my body looks for those nooks and crannies of quiet and peace. my brain revels in the feeling. and i haven't ever experienced it long enough to experience boredom in it YET (but you never honestly know, the heart is a fickle thing) so my craving for it only grows.
so there you have it.
that's all i've got for tonight.
much love,
k
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GOLD
genuinely and sincerely, can someone please explain to me WHAT GIVES ABOUT GOLD?
gold is something given to girls in south asian culture when they get married. it is meant to be the "woman's asset" that she may use as she wills in order to "assist" with finances or as a means to finance her own wishes.
the key point is - it is given to her. it should therefore technically BELONG TO HER.
and when times are rough she is or SHOULD BE allowed to do with said gold whatever the FUCK SHE WANTS.
so as an example, let's say she wants to sell this useless gold (jewelry that she does not wear now nor ever plans on wearing) - why is she told from EVERY SINGLE AVENUE that it is not advisable?
maybe, in olden times, when women didn't work and had sources of their own income - it made sense to hoard gold and sit on it and pay zakaat on it. but now, when i have other sources of income and places where i am actively saving - WHY DO I NEED TO KEEP THIS GOLD?
it's just infuriating to me, because my mindset is that the money i have/earn should work for me and provide me ease in life. there's no use in storing it away and sitting on it and giving myself problems.
the current disagreement that i'm having is that i would like my cleanng lady that comes once every two weeks, to come on a weekly basis.
i've tried explaining to my husband that when the house is clean it gives me PEACE. it is a source of my actual HAPPINESS. and it allows me to free up my own time to tend to more important things like my kid or my work or what have you if cleaning or the mess or the dirt isn't constantly on my mind.
however, i'm unable to currently afford it.
he is. but he is refusing to because he believes it's a "faltu" (useless) expense. i've yelled and screamed and cried and LITERALLY BEGGED him to understand that it will give me happiness and to help out, but he refuses.
so fine, i turn to my own devices.
my gold is sitting there.
if i can sell one set to use it on this thing that will give me happiness in life WHY SHOULDN'T I?
i understand the value of saving for the sake of your children. i AM doing that. in many other ways. e.g. the only reason we're in a house that's our own right now is LITERALLY BECAUSE I WANTED TO GIVE MY KID A HOME THAT WAS HIS OWN.
living is our BIGGEST EXPENSE. or i guess i should say shelter (ie mortgage). i've also got multiple savings accounts with work and on my own set up to help my kid with his education and getting him started in life.
but if it's ONE THING i want to have my money do for me, why can't i!? i just don't get it. and then to have to store gold like a frigging hoarder when my disposable income leaves me INCAPABLE of paying the zakaat - so i'm simultaneously SINNING.
the logic. is not. logic-ing. and i hate it.
and i wish we would let go of this age old hoarding of "wealth".
i may be wrong. i may be misguided. maybe tomorrow i'll wake up and realize that i don't actually feel this way. and that's fine because i'm human.
but for now this particular part of my "wealth" feels a bit suffocating to me.
and that's all.
good night.
-k
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i want to write, but i don't want to write, but i really want to write.
that's my headspace right now - not sure what level of word vomit is about to come out. consider this a fair warning.
so i guess let's start with that - yasir's gone to pakistan for a few months! so i'm flying solo as far as parenting goes these days. he left last saturday (today marks exactly one week) and will return at the end of january.
i gotta say, it's actually been really great!
i have the capacity and i'm capable of doing all the tasks i need to have done on a daily basis and it's really really FUN to "play house" for real actually. even the accomplishment or happiness of taking out the trash.
it's been peaceful and nice, minus esa's tantrums but all within reason.
the thing that has SUCKED though is watching esa search for his baba on a daily basis many times a day.
today the doorbell rang and esa said "it must be baba".
last night he came into my room and the comforter was squished up to one side and he thought it was yasir sleeping under there.
the first monday and tuesday he came home from daycare, came in the door and yelled "babaaaa"
today he made like 3 pieces of art works and came and showed every single one to me and told me "this is for dad". and i said i love it baby, and baba will love it too.
at the third one, he said "i know baba is in pakistan".
it's so weird to feel truly truly empathetic for someone. i am an empathetic person, but it is so weird to have absolutely no freaking idea what sort of pain esa must be feeling while at the same time feel the same exact soul crushing pain that he must be feeling.
it takes my breath away a little every single time.
my kid is in a pain i cannot relate to, and yet i can feel his pain in my being. i can see the momentary hope and happiness fly away from his eyes when the thing he thought was his baba is actually not his baba.
leading up to when yasir left, we had a lot of fights between us. and on the last day i guess they sort of dissipated and while he was in the plane, i asked him to forgive me for the grief i gave him. and he asked me to forgive him for the two hard months.
it's not hard. and if it is, i forgive yasir in an instant. i can handle my kid being a kid. i can handle whatever tantrum, lack of sleep, diva behaviour he will throw my way.
there is nothing to forgive in my brain for any of that stuff because i'm parenting and i want to do it. it's tough and hard and i would love a break here and there, but i'm okay and i'm handling it.
but i don't know that i'll ever be able to forgive seeing esa so sad for two months straight. i won't ever want to forgive it, and i won't likely forget it anytime soon. or ever.
and these moments will stew in my brain until they fully tenderize and i start to protect esa from his own father.
even now, i have half a mind to cut off calling yasir cold turkey so that i can shield esa from later pain and just get him used to yasir not being physically around.
because frankly even when he's physically present, what good is it when he is never mentally present. having a physically present parent be absorbed in his device 24/7 is not much better than having a physically absent parent.
but i won't do that. i will continue to receive his calls and call him when esa wants to speak with him. i'm just praying and hoping to GOD that yasir realizes what he's done. and how he's making his own child feel.
and that's all i want to say on that.
good night.
-k
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i've said this a few times out loud and when i say it out loud it doesn't feel right to say it. but given specific context...i think you'll understand what i mean.
specifically i have said (and i genuinely aim to do this) that i will try to raise esa like a woman. not in the sense of genders or his natural biological identity. i never have meant it like that. i have always meant it the way in which we bring up girls.
because women understand responsibility and sacrifice and men just seem to have missed that memo. and perhaps it is because they were never sent that memo.
in ANY case. recently i read this statement on some social media outlet that i can't recall.
we raise our girls, and we love our boys.
and now i finally understand how to explain the context behind this idea that i've expressed out loud. because that is it. my aim as a parent is to raise AND love my child. and those two things are not mutually exclusive to each other depending on my offspring. i would like to believe that if i had been so blessed as to have a daughter, i would have been raising her in the exact same way as i am tryng to do with my son today.
but i am also only 3 years into this whole parenting gig .
still, i guess, you could say my overall objective in rearing my child is to ensure that i raise him the way all these strong and powerful and responsible women around me were raised.
i will do what i can to instill a sense of responsibility and a strong work ethic in him. but never ever at the expense of his emotional well being. or his knowledge that he is oh-so-loved by his parents.
will report back in 15 years to let you know the resulting outcome - or even if i would consider myself successful!
much love,
k
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curtains from eyes - lifted
since oct 7, 2023 to now, i feel like i've changed SO MUCH. of course, oct 7th, 2023 marked the attack on isNotreal and following that began the gen0c1de of the falasteeni people.
there is SO MUCH to which i had previously been ignorant that i've learned in this past month and a half and it feels like there are propoganda curtails that have FINALLY been lifted from my eyes. i can see and i can see light.
it also feels like i'm truman - i've finally left my bubble along with the feeling of safety and security that it came with. the ideologies i hold and value for myself that i previously THOUGHT aligned with the part of the world that i am currently living in are...still that! i still hold those values and i am still a liberal person. i still believe in the abso fucking lute sanctity of each and every single human life on earth. i still believe humanity exists. i still believe all of it.
the difference is, i no longer believe that my values are aligned with the values of the leadership in the western world.
it's made me feel like people are actually monsters in high high high places!
they're accepting money to k1ll falasteenis. these people have made us (yes ALL of us non caucasian folks even those of us living in these countries) look like animals. they feel we are barbaric and they dehumanize to be as such and then go on and believe their own bull shit.
it's amazing how much i'm realizing the power of words in terms of re-wiring our brains.
literally, LITERALLY if you say or hear something enough you WILL eventually believe it and then you will start to subtly, subconsciously start ACTING on your beliefs. and then you will start to build CONFIRMATION BIASES.
urgh.
nuts right.
it is so so so so easy at this time of feeling dis-ingenuined with such a large group of folks (namely the "superpower" country to the south of me but also the canadian leadership) and start to feel like fighting hate and propoganda with hate and propoganda is the correct response.
but here i feel like my faith is strengthening.
because the falasteeni people have no powerful support backing them. no human in power and able to make a difference is doing ANYTHING for them.
and so they're being forced now (and for the past 74 years) that humans are not where we should be putting our faith. humans are not our God. Allah swt is the only one deserving of our faith because he is the ONLY one ever to be sufficient for us. for all of us.
in the face of such extreme adversity as faced by the falasteeni people - there is a freedom. no one thinks or cares for them so they see all the realities of the world. and they continue. they say shukar alhumdulillah. they say allah hu akbar. they believe that this life that they suffer through is not in vain. and i finally understand the freedom in truly being motivated by what is to come in the hereafter.
this life is temporary. do good. be good. (these are lessons to ME here - i am not in the business of giving advice, i'd be frankly quite shit at it - i already am). collect the goodness in your deeds. raise your children to be fair and equitable. raise them to understand the freedom that comes in accepting the believe that we are human and the ONLY one worth our trust and tawwakkul is Allah swt.
this life is temporary. live it, enjoy it. but don't forget that this is not the be-all, end-all. see through the eyes of the falasteeni people. see through the eyes of the congoan people. see through the eyes of the afghani people. see through the eyes of the people of pakistan and all over the world living in poverty. see through the eyes of th esyrian people.
do not make one race or ethnicity or religion superior to another.
there is nothing that makes me as a human more worth saving that any of my brothers or sisters around the world. don't get caught in that trap.
be kind. be good. be honest. live this life. and be done.
much love,
k
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apologies
what do you think is the appropriate response to someone when they apologize to you?
i used to think the only appropriate response to an apology was embarrassment/shame/guilt. and frankly, it's the only way i genuinely felt whenever someone apologized to me about anything.
but why? why was i ashamed that someone was apologizing to me for something that probably did (in all honesty) upset me? because it has/had been ingrained in me that i am/was the world's...punching bag.
perhaps punching bag is too harsh an image.
but i am the receiver of the world. i am very rarely meant to be the giver. i am not meant to take space in the world. i am not meant to make my presence known or heard.
if someone made me feel bad or upset about something, i used to (and still do, but am actively trying to stop) internalize the hurt.
what do i mean by that? let me illustrate using an example.
for example; let's say someone was snarky with me. and as a result, i was upset by it. later when i tried to examine why i was upset, my brain told me and reassured me one or both of these things:
i was at fault for their behaviour.
OR (but usually AND)
2. i might have perceived snarkiness but actually my perception was totally off.
but as i grow older and go to therapy and understand adulthood - i'm finding that this method never gives me any sort of closure over the thing that happened. and actually internalizing my hurt just makes me grow more and more upset and resentful.
and that's not healthy.
so now i am re-evaluating the correct response for someone to apologize to me. and the first step, i'm finding, in stopping myself for feeling guilt or shame or embarassment when someone does apologize is...actually nothing to do with anyone else.
it's to do with me.
now, i am taking up space in the world. consciously. purposefully.
if i find myself getting upset, instead of trying to convince myself of either of the two things i stated above - i allow myself to be upset.
i convince myself i AM upset. and that my feelings are in fact VALID. and that's okay.
and this next part, i know i should be doing, but i'm not there yet....i need to learn to validate my feelings and move on from them without any expectation of external validation. i need to accept that something i experienced with someone else made me feel a certain way. and that's okay and i'm human. and really, i can decide to continue to be with that person without saying anything and actively choose to brush off these scenarios or i can address my hurt with the person.
if i choose the former, it's no ones fault but my own that i continue to actively accept their behaviour. i have made a conscious choice to do so and if the behaviour continues and/or gets worse....well maybe someday i can grow a pair and address it.
if i choose the latter...i also still have to grow a pair and decide after i address it with the person and understand their reaction (which i SHOULD believe), whether it was acceptable for me. if it was, great! if it wasn't...i need to move on from the person/relationship etc - simple. as. that.
except not simple. probably a super tough thing to do. but on paper - simple. as. that.
in any case, bringing the whole point back to the beginning.
IF i am hurt, and i acknowledge my pain, and i choose to go the route of bringing up my hurt with the offender AND they have the appropriate reaction of also validating my feelings and acknowledging that they have caused me pain and they APOLOGIZE - THEN what are the appropriate reactions to that apology?
well, for starters - it is no longer shame or embarassment or guilt. now, i'm forcing myself to look that person in the eyes and thank them. because my self respect won't allow me to be ashamed for my feelings anymore.
it is not necessary, i feel, for me to accept their apology, or force myself to feel better, or act as if everything is fixed just as a result of them apologizing. however, i do think it is necessary to thank them.
the first couple of times this happened, the thank you came automatically because it felt right. but afterwards i always wondered why i was saying thank you? is that appropriate?
and now i'm understanding - yes. it is appropriate. i'm not thanking them for apologizing - ACTUALLY, i'm thanking them for acknowledging. acknowledging that my feelings were hurt and that i was upset.
so what is the only appropriate and necessary response to a sincere apology (you be the judge of that for yourself)?
a thank you.
give yourself grace to feel your feelings. ride out your wave of anger or upset or hurt or sadness. choose to accept the apology and continue with this person or choose to reject the apology and steer clear of them. do whatever you want. but remember still to thank them for acknowleding your feelings and validating your hurt.
because you'd be surprised just how many of us don't even give ourselves the same grace. so go on and have some self respect. take your space in the world. allow whatever discomfort it might cause anyone else to happen because you're making your place.
and say thank you for the apology that you know you deserved.
much love,
k
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