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Long Gone - Bucky Barnes x Reader

After weeks of a strained relationship, one fight and a surprise is enough for Y/N to run away and not look back.

By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be long gone. Don’t look for me, you won’t find anything.

You suck in a deep breath and tuck the note into the door. No turning back now.

Sure, you and Buck had your ups and downs but last night was different.

You were dealing with a depressive episode when he came home to the compound. You tried not to bother him with your sour feelings and it worked. He didn’t notice, though you weren’t sure how he could have when he didn’t wander in until well past midnight and smelt like cheap rum.

Then he had the nerve to try and crawl into your bed without a word.

“Are you joking?” You finally muttered.

“What?”

“Are you that drunk or just that clueless?” You demanded. “You left a shitty note about going to check out a terrorist threat and then ignored my texts all day. And then followed it with a trip to the bar before letting you fiancée know you’re alive? I’ve been worried sick for hours!”

He stopped pulling on the covers and rolled his eyes, “Sorry I didn't text you back, doll. I was busy saving the world. And who cares if I went for a drink?”

You knew it sounded like an over reaction but it went much deeper than that. You’d been having panic attacks left and right the past weeks over his job and he knew that. He had sat on the floor with you in his arms and assured you he’d check in when possible. Told you how he’d call you after every fight to tell you he was okay. You came to find there was no substance behind his words. They were just sweet nothings to calm you down.

“Why would Steve be returning my calls before you? I’m not worried about a stupid night at the bar! I feel like I’m losing you and you don’t care!”

A part of you knew you were looking to start a fight, to feel something from him other than indifference and annoyance. It had been a couple weeks since he’d shown any sign of giving a shit about you. You needed to know if there was anything left before you told him the latest news. You didn’t want Bucky if it was just for the baby. Sure, you knew he would step up but you didn’t know if that was for the best. An avenger for a father and parents that didn’t want to be together? You were pretty sure the baby inside you would be better off raised by a single mother in the middle of nowhere, far from the long list of enemies Bucky had.

He glared for a long second before snatching a pillow, “I’m not dealing with this tonight. I’ll be on the couch if that overbearing urge to check up on me gets to strong.” He slammed the door behind him and you broke into sobs.

You allowed yourself five minutes to be upset before wiping your tears and setting off to pack a bag. You didn’t grab much, only a weeks worth of clothes, a gun, and the running away back pack Tony had made for you. You tucked the duffel and the back pack underneath the bed.

You were faking it when Buck crept in the next morning to get ready for the job of the day. He hesitated in front of you and for a moment you were ready to throw your plans out the door. He shook his head and moved on and your resolve grew. You were leaving and it would be for the best.

Once he was gone you scribbled out the note and fiddled with the engagement ring on your finger. You knew you should leave it but you couldn’t bring yourself to take it off. You still loved him even if he didn’t love you. It wouldn’t hurt to bring one part of him with you. You glanced at your still small stomach, well, two.

Pepper didn’t bat an eye at your request to borrow a car. You snagged the keys to one of the nondescript SUVs and took off. About a mile down the road you pulled over and ripped out the tracking software on the car. You threw it in the dumpster behind a 7-11 along with your cell phone.

You drove, only stopping for gas, until you hit a small town in Virginia. You knew the town well but no one would know you. Every summer from the ages of 5 to 15 was enough to make an impact on you but not the town. You pulled into the drive of your grandmother’s old house. You had inherited the place when she died a couple years ago but due to working with the Avengers you didn’t have a need for it. The key slipped right into the deadbolt. The place looked just how you remembered it, only with more dust. The furniture was still there but you found what was all. The small knick knacks and mementoes were gone, likely claimed by other family members after her passing. 

The old clock on the wall said it was 5. Plenty of time to get started on cleaning the place up.

It was a long and hard pregnancy. The super soldier serum running through your son added a couple complications. He grew fast and was much stronger than he should be. He did a number on your body from the inside but it was all worth it when you held him in your arms. You cursed your luck when he came out with a head full of dark hair and winter blue eyes. 

You found work at a diner, making a living in tips. The great thing about tips is they tend to be paid in cash and it’s hard to trace cash. You were careful. No one was going to find you or your son. Andrew became the light of your life

Life was peaceful, a bit repetitive but safe. The biggest threat was your neighbor Travis. You would take a borderline stalker over Nazis any day. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” You mutter to yourself when Travis saunters into the diner. He was your typical tool. Peaked in high school playing football. Can’t handle rejection. Full of himself. 

“Good afternoon, table for one?” You put on a sweet smile.

“Just me, babygirl.” A chill runs down your spine but you shake it off and lead him to an empty booth. 

“I’ll give you a minute to decide what you want but can I get you a drink?” You hand over the laminated menu.

“I already know exactly what I want and I think you do too.” He gives you a smirk and you have to resist the urge to jam your pen into his eye. 

“Bacon cheeseburger?” You ask innocently.

He laughs it off but hands you his menu so you turn to put his order into the kitchen. You can feel his eyes on you as he walks away. 

The day drags on and Travis sticks around. First for an order of fries. Then a shake. By the time that’s gone it’s late enough for a couple beers. He finally pays his tab and leaves ten minutes before closing. You’re relieved until you notice his Honda still in the parking lot when you leave. 

You pat the holster in the waistband of your pants before making your way to the SUV in the back of the parking lot. The silver car tails you and it takes four right turns before you could go to pick up Andrew from his sitter. 

Travis was back home when you finally pulled in. You double checked that the door was locked behind you before you went upstairs with Andy. He toddled around your room while you got ready for bed. Tonight you didn’t feel like fighting him on sleeping in the crib so you tucked him in you arms in your own bed. 

Around two in the morning you woke up to the sound of glass shattering. You jumped out of bed with Andrew in your arms and grabbed the gun next to your bed. 

Creeping down the stair you hear someone in the kitchen. You’re only ten feet from the front door. You take a deep breath, set Andrew at your feet, and bring the gun up. You were trained by Avengers. You wouldn’t miss the shot as long as you didn’t hesitate. You wait for the figure to come into view and pull the trigger. The deafening bang goes off and he hits the ground. You snatch up Andrew and run for the door. Travis is next to you before you can get in your car. 

“What’s going on? I heard a gun?” He’s half naked and more alert than he was when he left the diner. 

You’re scrambling for your keys when your front door flies off the hinges and the man you just shot steps out. 

“This isn’t happening! How is it still following me?” You’re breaths are struggling to come and go. You push Andrew into Travis’ arms and aim at the man again. It doesn’t seem to do any damage. It just pisses him off. You take another shot and get the same result. You’re about to try again when a blur of a figure tackles the man. The moonlight catches on one of his arms and you’re frozen in place. 

You grab the toddler and turn to run but Travis is a little too ready to play hero. He picks you up bridal style and runs.

He doesn’t make it fifty feet before a blond wall of muscle stops him. “Y/N?” Steve mutters after pulling you out of his arms. “What, what are you doing here?” Andrew begins crying louder and clinging to you. Steve finally looks down and has to take a step back. 

“I can explain,” You start. Suddenly, you’re pushed to the pavement and Travis is throwing a punch at Captain America. Steve’s head turns with the force but his body stays planted. You kick yourself at the satisfaction you feel when Steve shoves Travis back. He crouches down in front of you and offers a hand.

“Let’s try that explanation now.” 

You hear Bucky scoff behind him, “This will be good.” He freezes in his tracks when he takes in the site. You’re wearing a silk slip on the ground clutching a child that can’t be much more than a year old. 

He stares for a long moment before shaking himself out of it and shrugging off his jacket. He wraps it around your shoulders before helping you to your feet. 

You’re caught off guard by the rush of emotions when you look at him and hot tears well in your eyes, “I am so sorry Buck.”

He tries to be mad but can’t stop himself from pulling you into his arms. He buries his face in the crook of your neck, relishing in the feeling of you in his arms again. Andrew reaches his arms up and around your neck protectively, finally catching Bucky’s attention. 

He steps back suddenly, “Who’s this?”

You swallow hard, knowing the storm that’s coming. “This is your son. Andrew James Barnes.”

“My what?” He looks at you in disbelief then back to Andrew.

“Let’s go inside?” You suggest.

Bucky stops inside the doorway and admires the wall of pictures. The majority of them Andrew at every stage so far. You were in a few with him but there was only a handful of just you. They’re different stages of your pregnancy. He swallows hard when he takes in the sight of you in the third month. That’s when the toll started being taken. He broke the first rib kicking right around that time. He was delivered at six months, the serum making him grow much faster. As the pictures got closer to delivery you looked more and more like a corpse. Bucky hated that he wasn’t there for you for any of it, that he didn’t even know you were dealing with it. 

“He definitely takes after you. The serum is in his DNA.” You say quietly. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? How could you just leave and take my child with you?” You can hear the emotion behind each of his words.

“You didn’t want to be with me and I wasn’t going to make you feel obligated to.” You knew it sounded pathetic, “And you have enough enemies to worry about. I didn’t want that for our son.”

“Our son,” He repeats quietly. “How is he so big? You’ve only been gone for a year.”

You rub and hand over his cropped hair, “His development is a lot faster than  a normal childs. He’s only about seven months old but he compares to children almost twice that, but even then he’s much stronger.” 

“Can I hold him?” He seems unsure of himself but you happily hand him over.

Bucky extends his fingers to Andrew in his lap. Andy curiously takes two in his small hands and you flinch, knowing how tight his grip can get. Bucky watches him, unfazed by the ridiculous strength. He holds Andrew close to him for a few minutes before Andrew tries to climb back to you.

“You’re both coming back to the compound.” Bucky stands up.

“Like hell we are! This is our home. This is where we’re safe. And I won’t let you feel obligated to take me back because we have a baby.”

He gives you a serious look, “Bullshit. That ring on your finger says you’re still mine. And in what world is this safer than the compound? An alien broke in tonight!”

Before you knew it you were in the quinjet headed back to the base. Bucky never let you out of his sight. On the bright side, the ride provided plenty of time for apologies. Neither of you were happy with the others choices but you could understand them and move past them.

What would a spider man: life story look like for the shadow?

Now that I've actually read Spider-Man: Life Story I can give this one a response. I'm gonna obsess about this question for a while because man what a ride Life Story was.

To those not in the know, the premise of Spider-Man: Life Story is: "In 1962, in AMAZING FANTASY #15, 15-year-old Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and became the Amazing Spider-Man! Fifty-seven years have passed in the real world since that event — so what would have happened if the same amount of time passed for Peter as well?" and basically it tells the story of Spider-Man as one continuous narrative spanning 57 years, from his beginnings to a potential future, allowing Peter Parker and his cast and world to age in real time and factor in elements from the character's major stories over the decades.

And it's got a lot into it that the premise doesn't convey and there is no way I can even begin tackling a project like this for the 90 goddamn years of The Shadow's history without seriously just writing an entirely different fanfic continuity (and I already have 5, plus multiverses, possibly more) and tipping off way too much about my own plans for the character. Even I have my limits.

So instead, what I'm gonna do is go over the broad strokes of The Shadow's history as it would look like if you could try and condense it all under a consistent narrative, if you could focus on each decade's highs and lows, what kind of story would arise if a deranged Shadow maniac like me were to try and build a basic skeleton for a The Shadow: Life Story story.

Basic rules first: I'm sticking to the idea of Life Story and spanning every decade from the beginning of the character's life to the end of it. The aging and death parts are important so I’m sticking to those. The character's canonical birth date is 1892, so he's not making it intact to the 2000s. We're capping this off in the 90s, although it doesn't mean no further stories can be told. I will avoid mentioning specific historical events like Vietnam and 9/11 for this post to instead focus on The Shadow's trajectory. I will also not be including other characters, only somewhat referencing whatever aspects I deem relevant. I'm not sticking to any continuity, I'm pulling literally everything I can for this one

And putting this one below the cut

The 1930s: The golden years. In 1930, after a long line of life experiences in the Great War and traveling around the world under dozens of names, the man formerly known as Kent Allard has taken to fighting crime in the Great Depression. This chapter would be more of a standard narrative showcasing the trajectory of The Shadow's 30s career, how he's started off as a urban myth fighting gangsters and then progressed to urban avenger with dozens of allies fighting spies and supervillains. Despite being in his home element, he is restless. Another war is on the horizon. We gotta know where he starts, to get a clue of where he's going.

The 1940s: Despite it being the "family friendly American hero" Shadow era, shit gets very, very chaotic in the 40s, way more so than The Shadow could have anticipated. The pulps were relatively tame for this period, by this point instead you have the radio with it's constantly rotating writers and sensibilities, and comics that had far less reservations about either being really boring or really wacky. Far more encounters with the supernatural than before and with supervillains like Devil Kyoti and Monstradamus and Solaris, plus Khan is still around. The Shadow is forced to spend a lot more time traveling the world to deal with the war, spending a prolonged period establishing headquarters in Japan to aid Japanese underground organizations opposing the military. The agents perform rescue missions on concentration camps, and this is the period where you could have the "real" Lamont Cranston start filling in for The Shadow a bit while he's overseas.

There's a particular blurb that got released during this period that explains The Shadow acquired the power to cloud men's minds not by training, but by journeying to Tibet in an unrecorded adventure that forced him to beg the monks to grant him assistance in saving the world. I have some very mixed feelings on this whole backstory but I think there's something to this idea. Some shit went down in the 40s that was way beyond what The Shadow could have anticipated, and to protect the world from it he had to tap into forces that perhaps should have been left untouched.

The 1950s: The Shadow has dissappeared from America alltogether. He gathered up his agents and announced he wouldn't return for at least a decade, and left them with enough money to last a lifetime and retire should they feel like it. Burbank and Cliff Marsland dissappeared with him, and this chapter would probably be told from the Agents's perspective as they face the 50s while we get snippets from Marsland on what The Shadow's been up to. Some of it involves The Shadow helping protect Tibet after Mao's takeover of China. The real Lamont Cranston doesn't put on the costume anymore and instead operates as a fairly regular detective, although he's training on the skills and powers he's picked up overseas. Whatever fantasy madness haunted the 1940s is all but gone.

The 50s had basically nothing in Shadow content other than the last legs of the radio show, which are 200 episodes from 1950 to 1954 that currently don't exist anymore outside of a few scripts. During this time, The Shadow's sole appearence in US content was a parody in MAD Magazine. Overseas however, there were original Shadow novels published in Norway (a story for another day), as well as a Mexican radio and film series, which also featured Cliff Marsland. I have little information on either.

The 1960s: The OG Shadow is still embroiled in conflicts overseas, but the rise of the criminal organization CYPHER forces him to mobilize Burbank and agents old and new alike to deflect CYPHER away from where he's at, although most of them have retired by now. He still cannot return, but he has been secretly instructing Lamont Cranston on furthering along his own latent abilities if he intends to take over in his stead, and Cranston's powers have grown and developed to a point that, although he is pushing 60, he is able to do things even the original Shadow could not. He also invests a lot in merchandising and costume changes, which...doesn't pan out. Nothing in this era really pans out. It's just a really, really frustrating period of bad luck and supervillains that the aging superpowered detective Cranston is able to stop. Lamont Cranston seems to die in this decade.

The 1970s: Inspired by The Shadow's DC series, and most importantly Michael Kaluta's spiffy redesign.

The original Shadow returns to a crime-torn America, intent on starting anew, and sets to rebuilding his network. But something is off about him. He's leaner, meaner, less compassionate and trusting. Just as what happened the first time he returned to America following years abroad, what happened in his sojourns overseas has fostered something inhuman in him, another sacrifice of his own identity for the sake of a world where the weed of crime has only proven more insidiuous. His powers have grown and so have his resources, but despite that, he's bordering on 80 years old by now, and cumulative trauma deep within his bones hampers his effectiveness. He's doing a lot better than he should, by any rights, but he can't keep this up and he knows it. And so, as before, he starts planning for it.

The 1980s: This was the decade where Walter Gibson died with his final Shadow story incomplete, all the movie plans from the 70s were canned, and Howard Chaykin happened, plus the other DC runs. It's the SHIT decade, basically, where everything goes to hell. Whatever plans The Shadow had blew up, dipshit copycats start ruining everything, his network crumbles, and this is probably the ideal decade to kill off Kent Allard.

But this is also the decade where something weird started happening outside of the story: The Ghost of Gay Street hauntings, where visitors on the hotel Gibson wrote the stories in repeteadly claimed to see a ghostly visitor looking exactly like Lamont Cranston, and Gibson himself claimed that to be a tulpa he created by accident.

Kent Allard may have died. But death can never claim The Shadow.

The 1990s-onwards: Somehow, The Shadow is still active. Still elderly, in a much more limited fashion, but still as sharp as ever if not more so. His powers have grown more so than ever before, even blossoming into a limited form of telekinesis. Is he a ghost? Did he somehow survive the events of the previous decade? Somehow, both Lamont Cranston and The Shadow linger on, but is it Kent Allard or Lamont Cranston? Is it someone else?

Who knows?

This is the decade in particular where he's going to be interacting with more prominently with a new generation, whether it's descendants of the original agents, or new heroes that have found themselves in his orbit. Inspired mainly by the Dark Horse Shadow comics, Ghost and The Shadow, and Peter Straub's Mystery and modern takes on the character like Batman x Shadow and the 2017 mini that play up the miserable immortal and ghost teacher aspects, also inspired by my recent realization that The Shadow's ideal future in-universe may be getting to age and mentor the next generation in some capacity.

Anything beyond that, only The Shadow Knows.

Top 20 Animated Episodes of 2020 Part 1 (#20-#11)

Hello Hello Hello animation fans! And welcome to something i’ve wanted to since last year. See I had the idea for a best episodes list back in 2019: rather than do a best shows list, which would be only about half of 20+ shows anyway, I thought i’d do a best episode lists: to give as many shows a possiblitiy to shine as possible while still honoring the best of the year. But my own natural foibles got the better of me: I INSISSITED on watching everything I missed.. then just kept putting THAT off until it was was spring, shows were coming back and I just threw up my hands. I’ve regretted it ever since and vowed, especially since in the interim animation went from just being something I analyized for fun to my analyzing it for fun AND profit, to get it done this year.  So I had to make a few caveats. First I gave myself at first till the 31st of the year and then due to covid and everything that happened, until the end of the first week or so of the year, i.e. today, to watch as much as I could. So several shows are missing. Some I REALLY got behind on and don’t have an excuse for (Craig of the Creek and Big City Greens), others I also really liked but my depression made it really hard to watch (F is for Family and very nearly Bojack), some I just kept putting off ever starting or forgot to start entirely (Hilda, yes even since season 1, Kipo: Age of the Wonderbeasts and It’s Pony) and some.. I gave up because as you can tell I sit on shows way too often (Ilve action wise I still need to get back to Doom Patrol), and I realized i’d rather watch stuff old and new I care about than waste time with something that I just stopped liking, i.e. Rick and Morty and Big Mouth which i’m guaranteed some flack for saying but I dont’ care. I have my reasons, and while I originally GAVE those reasons I decided to leave them out: this list is not about me bitching about why I quit certain shows. I’m a grown ass man, I can quit a show anytime, and given last year was such a craphole, I think we could use less piss and vinegar and more sugar.  So before we begin, a bit about the state of animation last year: It was in flux. WIth a new decade dawning we got great new shows like Owl House, Close Enough, which in a year full of terrible suprises not only FINALLY got released but did so with a second season order, Solar Opposities, the Midnight Gospel and Kipo: Age of Wonderbeasts. Ducktales returned for it’s best season ever. Amphibia returned for a pretty good season. Disney brought back the wonderful mickey mouse shorts towards the end of the year, FINALLY given D+ some non-movie animated content. The Casagrandes got better as it went and just barely didn’t make this list and the Loud House kept on trucking and shows no signs of stopping with a season renewal and a movie coming out. And Adventure Time staged a comeback a few years after it died and while I haven’t seen BMO yet, Obsidian was fantastic and only barely didn’t make the list. 

Not only that but we got   great new series announced for the next two years: Lumberjanes is FINALLY getting adapted and by Noelle Stevenson herself. Gendy Tarkovsky is not only returning to children’s animation but with a wonderously weird concept about immortal unicorns turned into teens> There’s a promising show about a ghost and a plucky tween coming this summer. The Rise of the TMNT movie is still happening. Craig McCracken is also coming back.  But naturally given this was 2020 the news wasn’t all good as we said goodbye to a lot of shows.. and this was after 2019 already took several from us, OK KO still being the hardest loss to this day and Star Vs very disapointing finale still leaving a bad taste in my mouth: Most gutpunchingly, the two frontrunners of animation at the time, shows that truly changed the game and probably gave other shows a chance at life they never would’ve had, including some on this list, ended. 

Steven Universe took it’s final bow after we got one last trip to beach city with the Future miniseries, with the show ending gracefully and beautifully, and having pulled off it’s third succesive possible ending for the franchise and it’s defntive ending for steven’s story. Bojack did the same not long before, ending on a bittersweet but beautiful note and with a one two punch of the series best episode and i’ts second best episode, a satsifying but bittersweet finale we’ll get to. Both shows as I said have set hte standards and tones for most animation after them, and both’s absence is felt.  She Ra suprisingly ended, though with a beautiful and wonderful finale we’ll, again, get to, and on i’ts own terms, but given it was the most likely to take up the shield from steven, it was another punch. Less peacefully was the ending of Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a show I caught up on after it’s demise which was screwed by the network over toy sales because that’s.. still.. a thing. 

There is a light of hope, as the movie is somehow still in production and if it does well we may get season 3, but it’s dim and given the show, despite it’s flaws, had found itself and the finale, which they were given weeks to put together, was spectacular and, say it with me now “we’ll get to that”, I really hope it does. And that nick learns how to run an animation company for fuck’s sake. 

Infnity Train while not dead, is on life support despite having it’s best season in season 2 and an okay season that still tackeled racisim very well even if story wise the season faltered, at a time when we REALLY need to tackle racisim in our entertaiment period. Venture Bros meanwihle was just flat out canceled for no given reason despite both having as eason renewal order and you know, being Adult Swim’s highest rated and best show for over a decade. Like Infinity Train and Rise there’s a SCRAP of hope, both adult swim and hbo max are apparently looking into ways to bring it back so a finale movie or a season 6 comic are propable, but given the show ended on two big cliffhangers, and given 2020 already had pushed back a LOT of things I’d looked forward to for good reason, and had now just outright killed a show, it was a massive shattering blow and easily the biggest of the year.  But coming VERY close was finding out Ducktales was ending. While the finale would serve as a proper finale, I feel the show easily could’ve had more seasons.. Disney just dosen’t let shows go on forever, or sometimes not even for a reasonable amount.. or put those shows it didn’t let go on a resonable amount on Disney Plus.. and I will be bringing that last part up until Wonder Over Yonder is FINALLY put on the platform, along with MANy other shows. Figure it out.  But yeah that was ANOTHER show I thought would lead the way and like Gravity Falls lead to Ducktales, Ducktales will probably lead to more shows including HOPEFULLY a frank and matt lead Darkwing Duck.. and even that’s in jeapordy since instead it might be done by Seth Rogan’s company who while not bad people and if their working on Frakn’s reboot great.. are not the people who spent three seasons setitng up a reboot in a unvierse they already spent three seasons deftly crafting. I DOUBT Frank won’t be involved since Let’s Get Dangerous was promoted to hell and back, but again given this is disney.. it worries me and I won’t be settled on this till we get conformation of a proper reboot with frank and matt at the helm. 

Point is it was a rough year for animatoin even without covid taken into account pushing back seasons and forcing a change in work habits. But as this list attests even in the worst year in recenet memory, here’s hoping 2021 dosen’t say hold my beer, there was some damn fine animation, including some of the best i’ve ever seen and the shows that did leave or are getting ready to gave us one hell of a show. Before we get started one last bit of buisness for transparency: As I said i missed some shows and others I did watch but given despite this list’s sheer size it was still VERY tight, for the record each show got four nominees a piece, and some had even more episodes considered before widdling it down, and even at the 40 episode mark there were some tough cuts and by the end it was brutal. So here’s the show’s considered. 

Shows Watched: Steven Universe Future, Infinity Train, Close Enough, She Ra, Ducktales, Amphibia, The Loud House, The Casagrandes, Rise of the TMNT, Animaniacs, Wonderful World of Mickey Mouse, Adventure Time: Distant Lands, Solar Opposites, Bojack Horseman, The Owl House, The Midnight Gospel Shows That Did Not Make the Final List: The Loud House, The Casagrandes, Animaniacs, The Wonderful World of Mickey Mouse, Adventure Time: Distant Lands, and Solar Opposites.  Final note: all episode’s i’ve done reviews of at the time of this list will have links in the title to said reviews in case your curious So with that in mind , here’s my top 20 list, part 1.. becasue these posts are going to be long as hell so I needed to split up gang. On with the show after the cut as this is a really damn long one

20. Fragments (Steven Universe Future) “I bow to your strength.. my Diamond”  Steven Unvierse’s final act was a masterstroke. The show ended with every major conflict resolved as the Diamonds decided , if only for Steven’s sake at first, to change their ways and helped him restore the corrupted gems, while Lars made it home. Our heroes were FINALLY, after seasons and almost two in-story years, as Steven “Finally Done, Finally Us, Finally Me”, the last part being especially pogniant since, while done thanks to a horrifying action on whites part, his breif seperation PROVED there was nothing of rose left; She’s gone.  So Future uses this cleverly: With the conlfict of the movie resolved things were still very nice.. but eventually Steven started breaking down piece by piece: As the series went on it became clear what it was: A deconstuction of some of the less healthy part of the mostly fairly healthy and wonderful main show. It showed just what happen when someone whose put his identity into having some kind of destiny, someone whose felt their purpose in life is to make other people’s better and solve their problems and be a good person.. has no issues to solve. Oh sure there’s an antagonist here and there and Jasper refuses to change or admit no third great gem war is coming and that peace really has come.. but his family are finally happy with who they are, and are moving on with their lives. As someone whose had people move on without them and whose clunt to people this hits close to home.. hits close to home a lot. 

So as the season went on Steven clung to everything, taking it VERY badly when Lars and Sadie not only revealed their attempt at a relationship failed after years of build up, and never told steven because they thought it wasn’t his buisness, which is true to a point as them breaking up isn’t anything to do with him but someone should’ve told him it was amicable given the amount of shit he’s seen between you two, just saying. But it still meant a good chunk of his friends leaving town, and him, behind. Attempts to fillt his gap with tv watching or gardneing, aka what the crew amazingly dubbed “Depression Hobbies:”, a term that hits close to home, failed and then a far WORSE attempt to fill the void in his life by proposing to connie failed.. she turned him down firmly, but gently recognizing this was a terrible idea, they were too young, and he was clearly going through some stuff. As garnet put it “Your partner is your compliment, not your missing piece”. Another beautiful term to stick in my brain. 

So as if this wasn’t bad enough his body started mutatating and it turned out the pink form he’d gained was actually supposed to just be his body’s version of adrenline, but since he’d spent years in constnat struggle, his body was treating his emotinal stress like do or die situations with predictable results. We’ll get to that more in a bit but needless to say steven’s family were concerned and Greg returned from managing Sadie to TRY and help his son.. only to drive a wedge between them as Greg’s Smothering Parents seemed like the life Steven never had, instead of obnoxious people who refused to reconcile with their son even decades later despite plenty of effort on greg’s end and Greg having to raise a child alone with only marginal support from the gems at best at first. But Greg’s tragic inablity to see his son was hurting, as with everyone elses lead to him nearly getting them hurt in a car accident and thus this episode.  After getting chewed out by the gems, who tragically simply don’t realize what’s wrong with steven, can’t figure out why themselves and he refuses to tell them, Steven runs off, to the one person who would never tell the gems where he is and the last place they’d expect him to go at his lowest: Jasper. And thus we get one of the darkest and moodiest episodes of the show’s long history. 

After having lost a lot of his sense of peace of mind: his best friends are gone, his girlfriend is next, his parents and sister are constantly busy, there’s no one for him to turn to. Steven NEEDS someone like him and while his family is trying they just don’t know how to reach him and deep down he dosen’t WANT them to. Like me at times, shocker I know, he fears deeply that if they knew some of the flaws about him, some of the problems he’s had, they’d hate him. When as time would bear out for both of us, as my first stint of therapy near the end of colllege proved, it just means they understand you better and can HELP YOU. 

So instead he turns to Jasper, and he does so for good reason: He wants to control his power and emotions.. the problem is Jasper dosen’t WANT what Steven wants. Steven wants to feel godo again and feel healthy and be the person people want him to be. Jasper.. wants a fight. She wants a diamond, someone to serve, someone stronger than her who will LET her be what she feels she’s meant to be: a warrior, a destroyer, a breaker of worlds. So she slams that steven shaped peg into a round hole, and it’s horrifying and uncomfortable to see our hero turned from a loveable hero.. to a power obssed, almost vegeta-esque asshole .. in short she’s made him into the very thing he spent years fighting against, all because he’s so scared of himself he can’t face himself. It shows just how bad things have gotten: that steven’s hates himself SO MUCH, that he’d rather become something worse than face the truth and let his family help him. So convinced they don’t need him that he needs to be something ELSE. 

And so tons of training, abuse and hard labor lead to the moment Jasper and fans had been waiting for: a rematch between the two. And.. it’s easily one of the series best fights. For a series that’s at it’s core about ending the cycle of violence and often big exchanges of words and someone emotinally healing are treated as big as victories in combat.. the show has some of the best fight scenes in cartoons period, and this being the penultimate one, we’ll get to the last one next time, it’s a brutal, dbz style slugfest, something unlike the other fights in the show, with two opponents full of rage and hate going at it with everything they have.. ending in Steven, for one breif terrifying moment having BECOME what his grandmothers and mother used to be: A sadstic monster drunk on their own power “Your right jasper, I WAS holding back”

But when we next see Steven, running into the house and ingoring his rightfully concerned family..... he’s not that guy anymore. He’s back to who he was at the start of the episode: A scared teenager who deeply hates himself and who wants to be better but is ironically shutting out the only people who can help him. And one.. whose committed murder. This was a VERY bold move to make: Steven KILLED SOMEONE. Sure it was  shattering so it got past censors, but in his lowest moment.. steven did the one thing that to someone who treasures all life, is anthemia to him: he killed, did what his mother did before she changed, did what his aunts have done countless times to countless worlds. And it horrifes him, with him desperate to bring jasper back and using everything he has, his powers and his aunts essences, to try and fix his mistake.  And unlike anyone else in his postion he succeeds.. and Jasper, ignoring steven’s attempts to apologize is surprised at first at being shattered, knowing what happened.. befor bowing proudly, FINALLY getting what she was REALLY after: A diamond to serve. And steven can only gaze in horror at what he’d become and at the realization he can’t go back from this and he has no idea what to do now. An utterly grippling, utterly terrifying character piece with some of Zach Callistons best character work in the show’s storied history, with Steven shifting from being drunk on his power to utterly broken at having broken jasper. One of the series finest moments.. only topped by some things the series proper did.. and some more on this list. 

19. Perils of Peekablue (She Ra and the Princesses of Power) 

“They are my people. Which means most of them have sworn revenge against me at some point “  She Ra was easily one of the best shows of the 2010′s. While it started out excellent, and pretty gay, it ended being a masterpiece, and fabulously gay, as is befitting something related to He Man in some way. 

A masterful space opera, She Ra had some great bones in a thrilling love story, great humor, great action and wonderful characters most of them main and supporting going through some form of development. It was a wonderful, magical show and I look forward to Noelle giving Lumberjanes the series treatment, both because the series concept is frankly better built for an ongoing tv series than a monthly comic, and because after this series she has my utmost faith in whatever she does. Also her story about how she both came to terms with her sexuality and met her partner was VERY lovely.  Seriously check it out. Also her partner was the one who co wrote another entry on this list, just a fun fact. Point is this show was awesome.  But as I said part of the show’s strength was it’s character and that shines on this day in the limelight episode covering what’s going with the rebellion since She Ra shot off into space to rescue her best friend. We do get to see the best friends squad breifly, but their simply heading home: With Catra rescued and on the path to being a better person, and firmly in adora’s lap because again this show is wonderously gay and because it annoys her and Catra gets off on that, our heroes are wondering how everyone else is fairing.  So we see that, as with the Rebellion not doing so good against Horde Prime, our heroes seek the solution to their problems with the same solution homer simpson always uses:

Well okay less starting a new life and more getting the help of the mysterious prince peekablue, who I now realize is where the whole pikablue name for merril probbaly came from.. or maybe nerds making things up in the 90′s werne’t that creative. You decide!

So we get the ragtag team of Mermista, Seahawk, Scorpia and Perfuma, as the quartet try to bluff their way to the prince for help. Naturally we get Seahawk being seahawk, i.e. an awesome ham with a voice way older than he looks, Mermista being annoyed by that and being forced to admit she tried out pyromania to see what it’s like, which naturally is the most romantic thing Seahawk’s heard in his whole life.. as well as some VERY charming ship tease between Scorpia and Perfuma as Scorpia enrouages her the two bond and Scorpia finally likes someone who both likes her back and isn’t so obssed with her sorta ex and tied up in her own issues a relationship is impossible. Look I was suprised she found someone else as everyone here, but i’m happys for her. She’s the nicest person on this show and is now dating the second nicest person on this show. It’s nice okay. 2020 didn’t give me much nice, it gave me the emotoinal equilvent of being constnatly stung by hornets.

We also get a lovely musical number from Scorpia about being a spy.. and the revelation Peekablue.. is just Double Trouble. THEIR BACK BABY. It was nice for them to make a comeback for one last apperance and they do provid vallid information.. but prove to not be too useful despite this both due to their habit of being only out for themselves, hence setting up an elaborate cabaret act under the ocean.. and because Mermista got chipped by the crowd, so now our heroes are stuck in a giant coffin surronded by the thing she can manipulate. It’s only through a harrowing sacrifice by scorpia that Perfuma and Seahawk escape but with their sorta partners now brainwahsed to the other side.  To amp up the tension back home.. things are even worse as Spinerlla, whose been brainwashed for several episodes and seriously worrying her wife Netossa... has made her move and with the rest of the rebellion’s leadership gone, chipped everyone but Frosta and King Micah, who dosen’t last long, meaning not only do our two remaning heroes BARELY escape, but the horde now has, between both plot lines, four really heavy hitters, as later episodes would bear out that Spinerlla is basically the red tornado when it comes to wind powers. Point is perils is a fun, breather episode... that then turns into a still fun but also heartbreaking episode as our heroes loose and loose bad and their only hope is in our ohter heroes making it back to htem in one piece. 

18. 100% No Stress Day (Close Enough) “Long story short I owe them three grand”  Close Enough.. has not had the easiest existence. It was greenlit in 2017, used it’s pitch reel as the trailer meaning everyone thought it was MUCH farther along, was meant for TBS but got shelved because the show it was to be paired with, The Cops, was created by sexual predator Louis CK. And since he came up and h’es primarily responsible for this show getting shelved for so long... Louis CK is a bastard. He harassed women, literally and metaphorically waved his dick around to show his superiority, knew he could get away with it, and ACTED contrite when caught and rightfuly punished for it by loosing everything.. then has spent the last year or so TRYING to mount a come back, with the help of Dave Chapelle who I lost ALLLLL respect for in recent years, despite not having apologized or done anything that resembles him having actually learned his fucking lesson or tells me that, could he get away with it, he wouldn’t just do it again. I’m taking time out of this unrelated thing ot make sure he does not get ANY power back, as too often preadatory or abusive assholes get away with this and get right back to doing stuff, like say Doug Walker, who I only bring up to remind people he’s a bad person who enabled worst people and abused a lot of innocent critics, and let htem lovingly euologize a man he knew was a preadator in life without telling any of them about said behavior, which he coudl’ve done without outing the victim to the world against her wishes. Because as another episode we’ll get to next time briliantly put it 

But now i’m done reminding people of assholes, I can get back to what’s really important: The fact this show is a goddamn miracle. Not only is it as good as I hoped, which let’s face it in this year it was just as likely the show would be the video equilvent of scabies, but it got RENEWED. Turns out it’s being delayed.. was a blessing in disguise as it sidestepped being part of a failed animation block, and instead go to be the first adult animated show on HBO Max with tons of promotion. And judging by the future lineup of adult animated programming.. it’s probably going to be the ONLY good one for a while as other offering includes the prince, about life with the royal family, and a show about a 12 year old whose constantlly going thorugh trauma because they apparently did not get the irony when watching moral orel and also skipped the entire third season. And possibly got some brain damage I dunno. Hopefully will lead to much better shows down the line and actually gets a second chance at life, and even if it clocks in at only two seasons, it’s still a damn miracle and I will acknolwedge it. 

So yeah as I said the show is fantastic and was one of my faviorites this year. The show treads some familiar terroitory as it does use the formula from Quintel’s “Regular Show”: Normal problems that spiral into bizzare chaos that still has it’s own effed up internal logic. The thing that honestly makes it BETTER in my opinon, is the passage of time. Quintel is no longer the brighted eyed fresh out of college and menial job guy he was: he’s married with a kid, and that fully informed this project, as instead of being about doofing around in your 20′s, it’s about the pressures of hitting your 30′s: from aging to keeping your relationship fresh to all the perils that come with parenting, to missed opportunities you deeply regret. There’s a lot of good stuff they dig into here, but it never overdies the comedy, simply ads a bit of depth to it. And regular show wasn’t LACKING that by any means, i’m not bashing the show.. i’m just saying Close Enough is starting at the level Regular Show was at at it’s best.. and could easily and handily suprasss it with time it now has. 

And I was first given a good and proper introduction via this episode, as it leaked beforehand due to a french animation festival and I couldn’t help reviewing it, as i’d waited quite some time. But honestly while I like the first episode in the all in the show proper, quilty pleasures.. I feel this is a WAY better first episode and shoudl’ve been swapped with Quilty, as it introduces things even better and lets the whole cast shine, and thus is one of two close enough episodes on this list.  The episode starts with Emily, the stable but stressed and anxious half our our main couple at the doctors office where we get a great barrage of jokes off the bat, from the laundry setting a blaze leading to one of the series best lines

Naturally this has lead to her body constnatly sleep fighting .. while she’s awake, so Josh, her husband and loveable doofus, offers to take care of errands so she dosen’t implode from the stress. This also displays one of the series best assets: While Josh and Emily are an optimistic and impulsive idiot and a stressed out, often voice of reason.. they actually LOVE each other. It’s like a far more healthy of early seasons homer and marge, where BOTH get in over their head but  both clearly love and respect each other, and while Josh CAN be irresponsible.. he still holds down a decent job (Though Emily is more of the breadwinner and her job provides the insurance), is attentive to their daughter candace, and WANTS to be repsonsible. Trust me after countless dom coms where i’ve had to restrain from yelling “GET A DIVORCE” at the screen, it’s nice the tide is turning and Bob’s Burgers has become more of the norm couple wise than the exception.  But yeah so the main group splits up: Josh takes candace and his best friend and local weirdo played by Jason Mantzokus every series needs, and easily my favoirite character, Alex to do errands while Bridgette, Alex’s ex husband, Emily’s best friend and both the bbay of the bunch and the most irresponsible one.. gets her high to help her relax. 

Both plots are really great: The boys and candace run into a ham shortage, a joke that actually plays better in the pandemic age, and stripper clowns because in the series best gag so far, Alex explains via flashback he bet them they couldn’t make a dog, and one did so.. using his dick. 

Just in case you were wondering if JG was enjoying the fact he could use adult humor now, though another part of the series charm is while it freely makes more adult jokes, it dosen’t ever get into gross or dudebro territory. It just means the censors are down and they don’t have to hide beer as soda anymore. They also have to tangle with some hamburgalers who are reselling the meat at rock bottom prices and creating the shortage.. and who deny being hamburgalers despite their tactics being backing up into houses with a large van and stealing hams. OUr heros avoid becmonig meat and naturally end up both in a car chase and then a bet for their lives in a game of Ladder World, josh’s latest game.  Meanwhile Emily blazes it and we get a great getting high montage, as it shows BRidgette’s idea does genuinely help a bit.. until they run into Timothy, the teacher at cadance’s school who I hope gets an increased roll as he’s always a delight and this is his best apperance. Depsite the understandable awkwarndess and paranoia of running into your kids teacher while high, being an open minded guy Timothy offers them wine and then weed and even takes Emily punching him when her trip takes a bad turn, giving her a stern but fair “bitch use your words!” before the next seen has him helping her through her issues with some solid advice, allowing her to arrive in home just in time to save her husband and the cave goblin who lives in her house from clown strippers and meat gangsters.. which sounds like one hell of a gay porno. All in all a solid, always hilarous, always charming ep that shows the series off at it’s best. 

17. How Santa Stole Christmas! (Ducktales)

“No, no.. Christmas is a SAD story?” 

This is my third and hopefully FINAL time talking about this one, though given it has a high chance of showing up on the series best of list, probably not. Not that I mind, this is a VERY good episode, I just don’t have anytihing new left to say. It’s a heartwarming, fresh, engaging christmas special that uses the characters perfectly and for once actually strips down the cast effectively instead of making you wonder where everyone else is, while still giving everyone an apperance. It also has Webby giving Lena (And Violet) an adorable cheek smooch when delivering her parents and I will never not find that fucking precious. Plus it’s gay as hell with plenty of gay subtext between Scrooge and Santa, a sentence I never thought i’d say but i’m so glad i’ts my job to get to type things like that, and said kiss so that helps. But even besides that it’s just REALLY damn good. Again i’m leaving this short both because i’ve talked about this twice now, once when it came out as I do regularly for ducktales and again for my best christmas specials list, but it’s really that good and made it damn high on my bet christmas specials list and is only so low here.. because despite being a terrible year in every other respect we got some REALLY good episodes this year. So yeah this one’s a classic, I love it but i’m tired of talking about it till at least next december. Moving on. 

16. Finale (E-Turtle Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Shreddy or Not,  Anatawa Hitorijanai, and Rise) Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “Oh and Blue your leader now”  As I mentioned in the intro. Rise of the TMNT was unjustly canceled this year and even worse got it’s season order chopped in half and was given just weeks to throw together a finale. So it’s remakrable that not only was the season pretty damn good, having the series usual problems of sometimes overdipping into the boys stupidity hence the episode where everyone but Raph keeps eating poison, but also had both great character arcs in Baron Draxum’s reformation and Splinter getting more and more fleshed out and more screne time, and great laughs. Seriously Clothes Don’t Make The Turtle, aka that episode where our heroes end up trapped in an 80′s dress up montage, BARELY didn’t make the list. 

And as a longtime fan of the franchise I couldn’t be happier this fresh take, which I was aprhensive about at first because it looked like yet another dumbed down teen titans go ripoff, and given it was dumb to begin with... but instead was a fun action comedy with a lot of really unique and intresting ideas. And despite the rush to finish.. they delivered one hell of a finale and on the high chance season 3 dosen’t happen... it’s a hell of a note to go out on.  First things first: yes i’m counting multi parters as one episode. Not more seralized shows like SU Future or Infinity Train, where events can flow in and out, but stories that are clearly one big story, in pieces like the old days. Since hour long episodes of shows are fair game, I felt it only fair that multi parters around the same length as an hourlong special be given the same treatment. Not that any hourlongs made it this year, sorry fans of Obsidian and “Let’s Get Dangerous”, though both are throughly EXCELLENT episodes this was just a tight list. 

Okay good. So yeah the finale, split over four episodes, is an epic: taking plot threads from all season and series and weaving them into a well paced, emotoinal, finale. Like previous more serious episode the comedy’s downplayed.. but it doesen’t feel like an entirley diffrent show and works well, and the always great fluid animation was kicked up to 11 for this one.  So to make a long story short: in this series shredder is a demonic set of armor, but came back wrong at the end of last season when the food clan revivied him, so while the clan now has him back, they can’t really use him. And current head Foot Recurit, a spunky foot recruit whose failed to rank up despite being tough and ambitious and worthy of it, is at a loss how to reviive her master.  The turltes, naturally, end up accidently blundering into the solution as they head into Splinter’s head to find the info to beat Shredder. The show gives splinter easily one of , if not the best, backstories he’s ever had: While at the start the character was highly annoying, being a lazy asshole who didn’t train the boys and did nothing.. the show eventually give us valid reasons WHY he’s like this: he didn’t like being turned into a rat by big bad of season 1 Baron Draxum and thus has depresion over that, had quit fighting since he’d been forced to be a cage fighter by his ex for a while,  his ex being a giant spider just in case you thought this would be remotely normal an forgot what show we were talking about and genrally just had no horse in the tight training he usually does in most continuties. 

This episode adds another, heartbreaking lair: We find out back when he was Hamato Yoshi, Splinter’s mom left to ward off shredder when he was a boy.. and thus never came back and presumibly died. Understandably he had no time for the clan at that point, constantly defying his grandfather.. and why should he have time for them? They took his mom away for a thankless duty sacrificing herself to stop something he had no way of knowing was real, another reason he never trained the boys. And his grandfather rather than be AT all apologetic clearly, via his actions, thought of this as some great honor and was baffled why Yoshi would have no intrest in repeating his mother’s actions or have any sense of honor, duty or even love for a man who as far as he could tell, threw his mom to the wolves and had no regrets about it. So we see Yoshi as both a rebellious teen and as a movie star throwing out his grandpa.. we see those in reverse of course, but the later scenes give context to those showing why Yoshi was so rude.. because he lost his mom and it still hurts him.  HOwever helping her frees the shredder.. but also Karai who bizarely, in this continuity is not only an aincent ancestor of theres but a firm ally instead of either a deadly enemy or a fremeny of sorts. Or Splinter’s dang daughter, one of 2012′s best plot elements.. that was then wasted by turning her into a snek for a while because that show really went off the rails. So it quickly turns from a heartwarming and awkard family reunion.. to our heroes and karai barely escaping with their lives as shredder demolishes the lair, and Draxum, now a good guy after a season’s worth of wonderful chracter development, and Splinter stay behind, with Draxum cleverly bluffing and pretending ot be evil again.. only to try and take out shredder. 

Meanwhile we get this series take on “the turtles going to teh woods to retreat” as Raph beats himself up for being a bad leader and our heroes learn to tap into their hamato nimpo.. which basically means super magic ninja powers which allows them to bring back their classic weapons and enhances their magic, as it was never in teh weapons but in them all along. Also April gets Karai in her, phrasing, and a glowing boost to her bat.  The result.. is one of the best fights of both the year and the franchise PERIOD, which is what got me to catch up to see the finale because I saw a fan video synching it up to “Spin and Burst”.. and while not a naruto fan.. that song is fucking awesome and that video showed off an utterly marvelous fight. See for yourself

Seriously I wasn’t kidding. I’ve been a fan of this franchise since 2003. This is one of the best sequences in it’s history with or without the added soundtrack: The fighting is fast, frentic, beautfully animated and cool to watch and perfectly combines the series humor, with our heroes giving out quips and callbacks at the right times, with it’s fast paced and wonderous action. It also shows how far our heroes have come: while PART of it is them having super mystic powers unlocked.. they both had to work to reach those powers, and spirtually rather than phsycially,in the third part, but each power is merly an upgraded versoin of their old weapon powers, ablities they’ve spent the entire series mastering, paticuarlly leo who went from BARELY being able to work his portals to using teleport spam here. While they did pull a power BOOST out of their ass, it would’ve meant nothing had they not been anymore skileld than when they started and it makes the fight feel rewarding and impactful. And it ends with the hamot clan as a whole, with new ally foot recurit aka cassandra jones ina great last minute reveal that they CLEARLY didn’t have time to build up better, and smoke that bitch. Also Leo’s leader now bye. It’s just a damn good finale and I dind’t even get into all the great character stuff, including the great payoff of Casey’s face turn after seeing just how much of a monster the man she always wanted to serve is, and how he’s hurting Splinter, who ACTUALLY cares about her well being despite being an enemy. It’s just good stuff that fits the franchise like a glove but iwth the series own unique stamp on it. Nuff said. 

15. Toadcatcher (Amphibia)  “Your not upset because you lost the fight, your upset because you lost your friend! Your upset that Anne stood up to you and things between you will never be the same again.”  Amphibia was one of the first shows I covered reguarlly and along with Ducktales one of the most popular.. so yeah it’s weird it not only is low on the list, but this is the only represtintive. But this was a high volume year for quality and while the show had other standout episodes like gravity falls tribute “Wax Museum”, Marcy’s introduction “Marcy at the Gates” and noir patische “Little Frogtown”, as this list already shows it was a really tight race. It dosen’t help that while Season 2 isn’t terrible.. it’s a bit more uneven, and unlike season 1 it’s weaker stretches of episodes weren’t as easily covered, as instead of airing every weekday, it was a weekly release. Which I prefer, as it means they aren’t being dumped out en masse and are given room to breathe and the passage of time feels more warranted when it’s spread out over a few months intead of a few weeks. It just meant the weaker episodes stood out more and drained on me more.. but it also meant the stronger ones were all the more a breath of fresh air. And nowhere was this more apparent as teh worst episode of the season, and series, thus far, Quarallers Pass.. was paired with Toadcatcher, an utterly marvelous episode and followup to ironically the series best so far, Reunion. 

This episode catches us up with Sasha, Anne’s former best friend who tried to kill her in a sword fight, one where the entirety of wartwood including her adopted grandpa was at sake and Sasha knew this and did not care. She then followed it up by letting go when Anne was depseratley holding on, with the help of her new family, to save Sashsa’s life.. and Sasha let go. I discussed the full implications in the review so I will avoid trigggering anyone, and I mean tha tin the medical sense anyone using it ironiclaly or to mock people using it as it’s intended can get fucked, but she clearly didn’t intend to make it, but Grime saved her and spirted her off.  So we catch up with both licking their wounds from the ordeal: Sasha has decided to take the Jasper route of horrible coping mechanisms and is training constnatly, readily kiling dolls of the plantars but still unable to truly hurt Anne, burying her feelings over her guilt and her best friend rightfully turning on her and then trying to save her anyway despite Sasha trying to gut her. Grime.. is binging on the wonderfully terrible teen soap Supscion Island, coming back this january on the cw, that was intorduced last season and generally not carring the king has his best men, women and nonbinary folks out for his head. 

So both issues come to a head as General Yuaan, scourge of the Sand Wars, defeater of Ragnar the Wretched, and the youngest newt to ever achieve the rank of general in the great Newtopian Army, and she’ll never miss a chance to say that, has come for Grime whose in no condition and has no will to fight back. He also finally confronts Sasha when she snaps at him for it, pointing out she’s simply burying the fact that she lost Anne, things won’t be the same, and she won’t deal with it.  The episode adds real depth to grime, going from an intresting but semeingly just evil overlord.. to someone who worked his way out of a fighting pit to be given a thankfless if cushy job by the same people who threw him in in the first place, someone who to my shock at the time.. CARES about his protege. While allowing Sasha in was simply to their mutual advantage at first.. he’s grown to genuinely care about her as his friend and offers to let Yuaan have him so she can be free. but Sasha refuses. Despite her issues.. she CARES about the old toad and together, and using Yaan’s ham against her, they beat her, and decide to rebuild their army... after Grime finishes his soaps of course. Can.. relate. A thorughly good, throughly emotinally episode that dosen’t lack the series humor but does have a depth and rhthym to it that the series has at i’ts best. 

14. Quack Pack! (Ducktales)  Jesus I was so tired when making this I nearly forgot an entry. And shame on me as this was one of the best episodes of an already amazing Season. Season 3 is easily ducktales best and i’ve been proud to cover it. It’s been my most popular feature and while not every episodes been GREAT, only one’s really not been very good, and none have been out and out bad. While it may be the end of the shows run and not without problems, they still have trouble ballancing the adults at times if not nearly as bad as before, to the point Launchpad just sorta vanishes after Let’s Get Dangerous outside of the Christmas Specail that takes place before the season anyway, and Louie is often written VERY badly.. but i’ve talked about these things all season in my reviews.

Point is those faults are overwhelmed by the strengths; The character ballance is better, several side characters have gotten tons of payoff to their arcs and more development, and the main plot is easily the best in the series history: By having essentially one main plot with two focuses, before they merge at the halfway marker, it allows the season to be far more streamlined after the really messy way season 2′s plots were handled. It just shows the show at it’s best and has produced amazing episode after amazing episode and it was really hard to widdle it down to the ones that got selected here and even then one got left out. 

But one boost I haven’t mentioned is their wilingness to take risk. While past seasons had flashback episodes and what not this one, in hindsight, has some of the more risky episodes of the series, ones you really COULDN’T do in seasons 1 and 2: a whole episode flashback to the twins, basically taking our present day kids out for the whole season, an hour long special focusing on what, to fans not familiar with darkwing duck, is simply a very engaging side character and his new sidekick.. and launchpad (The ducks aren’t OUT of the special, but they aren’t the focus and aren’t around for most of the climax). An episode with really dark emotional moments.. which isn’t unsuaul for a disney show, see next time, but for one so close to their chest it was a lot. They were settled in enough to take plenty of risks and it’s paid off. It’s not to community levels of experimentation, but it’s still nice, intresting breaks from the usual adventures. 

And one of the best and boldest of these was Quack Pack. Taking our heroes and plopping them into a TGIF sitcom. Of which this plot not only happened TWICE this year, three times if you count the entirety of beef house, which I do so let’s call it three, but both cartoon examples are on this list. But both tackle it in diffrent and intresting ways so both got on here.  IN this case.. during a stock plot about a family photo, complete with Donald having his Don Cheadle voice back, we get some great parodies of convetions of les.s. good sitcomes nad even some of the greats: there’s the constnat catcphrases (ranging from a sticomy version of Della’s “On the moon”, to Beakly’s “I’m not a spy.. which sh’es understandably inscnesed to find out is her catchphrase) ,and even the wacky neighbor with our lord and savior Goofy showing up in the roll, as a nice nod to the more sitcom side of the Disney Afternoon. We just get a lot of good gags.. until Huey becomes aware, starting to realize things are off, with his guidebook being empty and things just not adding up. We even get a great bit of him being forced to do a disney channel/that 70′s show dance transtion only to react with exesntial horror.  Naturally, given their lives,a  genie did it, Gene, played by Jaleel White in a pefect bit of casting. Having been imprisoned in his lamp since the 90′s. Gene’s a bit behind on how sticoms work, but was just granting a wish, Donald’s wish, which the family figures out by trigggiring a flashback, Goofy VERY MUCH included. where we find out it was, unsuprisngly Donald’s fault.. though in his defense, and in the best line of the episode, when confronted about wishing for a normal life “I wish for that 30 times a day. How was I supposed to know a lamp was under me this time?”

And we find out why and it’s heartbreaking: Donald just wants a normal family, where everyone’s safe and, most tellningly “No one gets lost.”. It’s the climax of a series long HATRED of going on these adventures. For everyone else it’s fun, thriling, good stuff.. to him.. it’s not only a reminder of what cost him 10 years with his sister and his adopted sons their mom for that time, but a reminder of a lot of pain and humilation. To him he just wants the normal life he used to have back, despite that not being an option and his kids to be safe and his sister not to leave again. Granted his refusal to undo the wish is selfish.. but i’ts understandable. And while the rest of them try to break the wish, and end up fighting the horrifying audience it’s GOOFY who gets donald to see all families are diffrent and that there is no normal: just what you make and enjoy. It makes donald realize that as hectic as his life is.. it’s his life, his family.. and maybe. it’s not so bad. After years of denying how much he used to love adventuering.. he realizes part of him stilld oes and no amount of turning against it will fix what he lost... he just has to enjoy NOW. It’s good solid character development for my favioriote member of the cast, and overall a fun, genre spoofing episode that pokes fun at the genre but reallyg ets how it works. 

13. Growing Pains (Steven Universe Future)

“ What do I do? How do I move on from all the stuff I've been through? How do I live life if it always feels like I'm about to die?! “ So yeah big recap of steven’s emotional well being to get into future earlier, but rewinding a bit, this one takes place with our hero at a low point. Not “oh god I comitted murder what am I now oh god” low as we got to earlier and the series itself wold get to later, these lists make time warped and space bendeble, but still pretty damn bad.  As mentioned before Steven tried proposing to connie, not helped by Ruby and Sapphire both being fully on board, as both are hopeless romantics seprate but when combined as a Garnet their shared braincell can get working properly and has settings other than “emotoinal pain, peppy (ruby), a bit distant but kind (Sapphire) and horny”. While it was as beautiful a propsal as you’d expect from Steven.. Connie gently rejected it since you know, he also wanted to be permafused and their not even legal marrying age left. He’s 17.. despite what this episode claims. She’s 15 or 16. They aren’t ready and she knew it not even ruling it out entirely, just saying “not now”.  But as this episode bears out.. Steven really isn’t an emotinal state where he could properly process that way and after shooing her away, even though she WANTED to talk it over and genuiely make sure he was okay as she damn well knew this wasn’t easy on him, but also knew it’d probably be bad to press him while he was clearly in pain. So like everyone else she made the mistake of leaving.  So Steven’s binging on junk food, and bemoaning the fact that even dogcopter is getting married.. also Dogcopter is gay. Given the show he’s a fictional character in, you THINK i’d of been less suprised but you’d be wrong. Point is steven isn’t dealing well and is going pink and with the gems gone for the weekend, and Greg unavaliable due to being busy as a manager, Steven is getting worse and his body is starting to warp. Thanfkully connie comes to check up on him and insits he see a doctor.. and since her mother’s a doctor and thankfully had a cancelation. Unthankfully it turns out, to Prianka’s understandable frustration.. Steven’s never been to a doctor. Which does make sense, Greg taking him in might’ve alreted authorties to his lack of schooling or his injuries from age 13 onward, plus he had no idea of knowing how his body would react to tests. That being said given by this point in the series Gems are well accepted and known around town and everyone loves and adores steven, Greg had no real excuse by this age especially after the second gem war.  And that’s proven by the fact it turns out steven’s body has tons of internal scars which, due to him turning out to have a wolverine style healing factor, mean h’es alive and without brain damage, but still has plenty of internal scars. It’s a godo metaphor for his mental trauma: he came out of his various happenings ALIVE.. but not mentally okay and with PLENTY of ptsd. When Prianka asks him to list his traumas.. he dosen’t even get past season 1 before she’s understandably horrified, though she’s figured out exactly what’s causing his pink mode: as mentioned before his contstant life of danger and having the threat of a fight at any moment over his head for 2 solid years, maybe 3 given the third light game shows he still had a lot of work to do before the movie and future, and honestly still does at times during both, mean his flight or fight response has been shot so the adrenline charged pink form, meant to protect him from danger.. is triggering for EMOTIONAL pain and suffering. 

Steven dosen’t take it well and keeps enlarging when pressed.. and accidently spills the beans about the proposal... and understandably, even if she was FULLY in the right can’t be around Connie: while she had every right to reject him, it dosen’t mean it hurts any less. Sometimes even when you do the absolute right thing.. it can still hurt to be on the receiving end of that. But Connie is still Connie, aka the most emotinally  stable and mature person in the main cast very much including the sentient space rocks who are centuries older than her, so she called Greg who naturally dropped everything because his son needed him. It shows the genuine conflict, one, again that I’ve grappled with: Steven is so obssed with not boterhing those he loves, he fails to see they’ll help him when he needs it without a second thought. So Greg thankfully calms him down and taks over the failed proposal with no judgement or anything just support. Sadly things go downhill from here but it’s a good episode that turns the entire series on it’s head with some damn good character work. 

12. Annhilation of Joy (The Midnight Gospel) 

“Again? How Many times is this guy gonna die?” “Until he learns”  The Midnight Gospel was a plesant suprise. Penndelton Ward’s return to animation after leaving Adventure Time, the show is a collberation between him and podcaster Duncan Trussel. It was a suprise both in how quickly it came together, and in how it’s real nature wasn’t properly expressed in the trailers: while the series does tell us the trippy adventures of Clancy, a 40 something “Spacecaster” who uses an illegal simulator to visit worlds to interview various people.. said interviews are expercts from Trusseul’s own podcast, the Duncan Trussel Family Hour, something this series has badly made me want to listen to. As such while dealing with zombie apocalypses, a quest to avenge a dead lover, being processed as meat and meeting death herself while looking for his hose, Clancy interviews his subjects, including Death herself, and talks on various subjects related to medation and spirutality, throughly fascenating interviews greatly woven into trippy visuals. Hopefully the show will be back for round 2 at some point as both Ward and Trussel are game, but for now the first season stands on it’s own as a throughly trippy, throughly wonderful blend of Trussel’s words and insight and Ward’s boundless imagination.  And the best of these, narrowly beating out the final epsiode which uses an interview with Truseel’s late mother to inform clancy’s own actions, as Clancy’s Mom is dying from cancer same as Trussels tragically did. But I like this one slightly better due to it’s great blend of the subject with the plot. Once again Clancy is ignoring his pain, and his sister’s calls, by diving into the space vagina of his simulator, taking a weird form, and easily my faviorite of his shapeshifted forms of the season: a living rainbow that wouldn’t be out of palce in a pbs kids show, complete with the fact he makes musuical chimes when touched not unlike a children’s toy and has chosen this form to enter the simulator’s jail.  It’s there he gets engagled, literally, with Bob and Jason. Bob is an angry, upset prisoner who chewed his own tounge out years ago, and Jason is his soul bird, a represntation of his pain bound to him by blue rope that Clancy got tangled in. So Clancy is taken along for the ride with them as every time Bob dies, the celestial beings in charge of the prison put him through weird emtional torment, pluck out his heard and weigh it against  a feather plucked from jason. 

Thus while Clancy and Jason have a spirited conversation about Buddishm and about not treaing spirutality like a game with levels and having to earn progress but as an emotinal journey, Bob goes through a buddishm inspried journey of his own, mixed with a bit of edge of tommorow. He dies, gets tourtured then resets.. but slowly learns to empathize, to let go of his anger and violence and help those around him. It’s an utterly mesmering journey to watch this angry green big headed man go from a violet convict who will gladly shoot and stab.. to a pacfisit eager to help those around him. And it’s thorughly convincing and backed wonderfully by the interview and easily a sign of what this weird and unconveintonal series can do at all cyllnders. Seriously Netflix you’ve been on a loosing streak decisionmaking wise. Make. More. Of. This. 

11. Save the Cat (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power) "C'mon Catra. You're not done. Not yet..."

God that image is unsettling. Anywho back to She-Ra, and somehow this is the second time i’ve had to rewind the progress of a season by about an episoide. Weird. Point is saved the cat is one of the most tightly packed and thrilling episodes of the series.. and the crux of Catra’s character arc.  Before this Catra had hit her lowest point, having lost ..j well everything. She pushed everyone from adora, to the nonambigiously a couple trio, to her own best friends away through her shitty behavior and inferoirty complex and somenoe she THOUGHT was her friend.. turned on her for money. Oh and as an added stomp on the tail all that betryal, all the blood spilled in her name.. was for nothing. Horde Prime made her irrelvant: she couldnt’ manipualte him because a combination of a god complex and an army of loyal drones meant he had nothing to hide and eyes everywhere. She had nothing. Eveyrthing she did every sacrifice she made every worse and worse turn she made a s a person... amounted to NOTHING.  So it was at this point she and glimmer, despite you know killing Glimmer’s mother, were forced to work together.. and Catra sacrificed herself both to get Glimmer safe and because for once.. she wanted to do something right. Her self loathing, some of it warranted, a lot of it already there from an abusive childhood, left her with one option: sacrifice herself and HOPE, something good can come of it, Apologize to Adora, hte one person she ever loved and hope she can at least surivive this.  Naturally, Adora having seen her friend/love of her life has not only REALIZED what she become, but sacrifice herself.. isn’t having this, and after an episode of repairs both on the ship and emotinally, our heroes are naturally, despite any personal hangups with her ready to save Catra. Naturally this hits snags. On Bow and Entrapta’s end, they accidently free a horde clone she mistakes for hordak and, having no other real option and with the guy being useful, Wrong Hordak is born! I love me some Wrong Hordak. What a guy, makes you cry, und I did. 

The main issue though is Adora let herslef be captured.. only to find Horde Prime is a sadstic bastard and has not only chipped Catra, but is using her newfound peace of mind to play with adora’s head, using Catra’s heartbreak from the past to manipulate Adora in the present.. and force them to fight because hey he’s a sadistic jackass with a god complex. They make their own fun.  But Adora gets through to her .. only for Prime to decide fuck it and try killing her with Adora BARELY saving her with her power, and Catra, as she fades, wondering why Adora even bothered. And the why is simple.. as a wise fictional version of a wise president once said “Dying is easy young man, living is harder”. Not the last time that quote will be relevant in this top 20 list, but the point, and it was delebrate on Noelle Stevenon’s part, was to subvert this kind of thing> The bad guy gets redemption but then dies seconds later. Instead.. Catra has to LIVE with what she did and make up for it, become a better person and work for redepmtion, instead of just getting to end in some big blaze of glory. But at the same time.. it’s the better route. The harder one sure.. but she gets to have a life and to undo the damage and maybe for once.. actually live instead of just trying to surivive. IT was the right call in a series full of them. 

But yeah the day is saved, our heroes have two new roomates and Catra weakly greats Adora.. but with genuine warmth for the first time in .. years I guess? I don’t know this series time span. Point is the healing and the ship tease for our finale can begin and this episode is a tense, well put together masterwork. The pacing really is what put it up this far, as it really ratchets up the tension, and being the last season, meant there was no guarantee anyone, including catra, was going to make it. Excellent stuff all around. 

So that’s where we leave off for now. i’ll be PUTTING PART 2 HERE WITH A LINK. once i’ts finished For now watch this space and..

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2020

it’s that time of year again! *saddest toot from the party horn*

for those of you just joining us: it’s a “consume a different content every week for 48 weeks of the year” challenge. for a longer explanation, check out last year’s write-up here, and as always, feel free to pop in and ask questions about any and all of this content.

(same disclaimer as last year too: content for this project ONLY here, and not certain...*looks at my billion Sad Cop Lady posts*...hyperfixations.)

(man remember when i was big into X-Men comics earlier this year? better times than these, if only because no one's discoursing about Emma Frost’s woobie/war criminal ratio anymore--her w/w, if you will)

(...i swear at one point i didn’t exclusively like platinum blondes but alas)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 issue finished 1/1/2020): still very cool on a basic concept level, but runs into the Image Comics problem of just not having enough content to keep my interest beyond that. part of that is on me, for picking it up again BEFORE the second arc rolled out, but the first five issues didn’t really follow (or resolve) any cohesive story either, so...meh.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 3 trades finished 1/17/2020): still not gonna be something i care deeply about (maybe one of Bruce’s Hulksonas dyed his hair???), but i do want to give kudos to Al Ewing for sheer consistency in terms of sustaining this level of quality storytelling month by month for more than two years now. working with the dense archive of the Hulk mythos and managing to make it interesting and thoughtful is impressive even if i personally would not expend the same effort.

Disco Elysium (game, finished 1/18/2020): honestly i should have twigged onto what this year was gonna be like when the third thing i drew from the barrel was pure uncut Eastern European flavored depression. i faintly recall people ragging on it for being pretentiously cynical, but i actually thought its core slid more towards idealism than people give it credit for. also gratified that i haven’t heard anything about Robert Kurvitz using slave labor to finish it, which is a thing we have to say about our video games now!!! fun.

Watchmen (TV, 7 episodes finished 1/27/2020): i am a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof and I WAS RIGHT!!! honestly still cannot believe that he pulled off this highwire act with such deft aplomb. might be my favorite TV this year, which is a pretty high bar given how much TV i ended up watching.

On a Sunbeam (comic, finished 2/1/2020): Tillie Walden rightly deserves all the praise for inventive queer storytelling, but i will say that on reread--since i first read this as a webcomic--there ARE some issues with pacing here that clearly come from the foibles of its original intended medium. still just excellent, even if after some plot significant haircuts i was having trouble telling a few folks apart.

Lazarus (comic, 1 trade finished 2/8/2020): it’s so good and i want moooooorrrreee--though obviously Rucka and Lark have the right to take all the time they need. the newer longer issues work really well with the epic prestige drama vibes of the story! i’m into it.

The Good Place (TV, 4 seasons finished 2/18/2020): i’m gonna be super honest: i actually wasn’t a big fan of the finale, nor the last season as a whole. it felt like all of Eleanor’s flaws vanished for a majority of the season, and the Chidi-centric episode where they tried to give a legible justification for why he’s Like This was...i didn’t care for it. still, it’s so good and unique on the WHOLE that we’ll literally never get anything like this ever again, and that counts for a lot.

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/21/2020): it’s an MMO so it will never actually Be Finished so long as the servers aren’t shut down, but i caught up on the content i’d missed in the intervening months. Onslaught thus far has mostly been...kinda bland tbh; going back to Imps vs. Rebs after all the shakeups in the previous expansions feels like a waste.

High Road (album, finished 2/22/2020): someone should tell Kesha not to say that word!! otherwise i was very happy with this album, and happy FOR her even though we don’t know each other. being able to find joy again in the same genre of music you made while you were being horrifically exploited is very cool.

Young Justice (TV, 13 episodes finished 2/28/2020): given how much the middle stuff dragged--STOP KILLING YOUR HIJABI CHARACTER IN HORRIFIC WAYS--i was...actually kinda mad by how the end managed to stick the landing anyway. the day being saved by Vic’s self-acceptance and Violet’s sublime compassion was A+, and even the Brion/Tara switchup was a pleasant surprise, though it relied on me caring about Brion MUCH MORE than i actually did.

Manic (album, finished 2/29/2020): do people still care for/about Halsey? i feel like even That One Song that was on every tumblr gifset ever has kinda faded into obscurity at this point. this album was...okay. i feel like people give Halsey a pass for extremely obvious lyrical turns that they wouldn’t for other folks because of her subject material--which is fine. not really my cup of tea, but i also listened to lots of Relient K this year, so that’s probably a good thing.

Jade Empire (game, 3/10/2020): the only 3D-era Bioware game that didn’t franchise out, and for good fucking reason!!! the Orientalism and appropriation really haven’t aged well, and even beyond that the story was...standard Bioware faire. even my usual “my wife’s a bitch i love her” Bioware type didn’t do it for me, and i just ended up romancing no one. it did make me think a lot about what level of cultural borrowing is accepted nowadays, and why: people still look fondly at Avatar and talk about how ~accurate and respectful it was, for example, despite it being staffed almost entirely by white folks, and the Orientalism ALL OVER the monk class in DND is still fine for some reason.

Alif the Unseen (book, finished 3/31/2020): interesting to have read this AFTER reading The Bird King last year, because it highlights how the intervening years have shifted G. Willow Wilson’s thematic interest and improved her craft. i’m actually quite fond of how her characterization work is rougher here--Alif is extremely flawed to the point of being insufferable, but it makes his development by the end more satisfying. Dina is also just good and i love her

Baldur’s Gate (2 games, finished 5/31/2020): well, having finally finished the series i’m happy to say that it...still doesn’t really do it for me, sorry. any awesome story moments were overshadowed by the EXCRUCIATING inventory management system and the combat (i still don’t know what a THAC0 is and at this point i’m afraid to find out). these games crucially lack the Home Base that later Bioware games were so good about, and that (coupled with the huge cast of characters you can drop off and never see again) really hurts the intimacy for me. by the time we finally did get one it was the Hell Dimension in Throne of Bhaal, and i was just...trying to get through it. (yes, i did just say that about one of the most beloved expansions ever to one of the most beloved games ever.) THIS particular iteration of “my wife’s a bitch i love her” was very good, but the game wouldn’t let me romance her :(

The Underground Railroad (book, finished 6/19/2020): honestly what is there even left to say at this point! it was exactly as good as every critic on the planet said it was, even with my usual aversion to hype. draining and horrifying in turns but still insistent upon a future for Black folks.

Steven Universe (6 seasons and a mooooooviiieeee, finished 7/11/2020): yes, i DID finish the show and almost immediately begin a rewatch. this series is now one of my top five most formative things, and the amount of love and respect i have for it is incalculable. that said: i once again did not love how the central conflict of Future was resolved (just the resolution--i loved the finale just fine). for all of Steven’s breakdown was built up, resolving it with “EVERYONE HUG HIM UNTIL HE CRIES” felt...cheap, especially since up until this point the show had been so good about treating trauma and mental illness with the respect and nuance it deserves. it made me wish some of the earlier, less substantial episodes had been cut so we could spend more time at the end.

What It Is (comic, finished 8/19/2020): y’all i love Lynda Barry SO MUCH. for the longest time i was worried that One Hundred Demons was more a lightning in a bottle situation but every book of hers i pick up makes me feel obscure emotions i didn’t even realize existed. the compassionate way she’s able to describe her child self and how weird and fucked up she was (and still is) is honestly aspirational.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (TV, 5 seasons finished 9/26/2020): so here’s a reversal of what i’ve been complaining about with other shows: i was mostly lukewarm-to-warm about She-Ra, but the later seasons and the finale made me much more into it as a whole. more shows should improve in stakes and overall quality as they age tbh!! i still don’t actively love Catradora (my sole quibble with season 5 actually has to do with the way Adora kept backsliding as a character to make certain Plot/Relationship things happen), but i’m very happy for them nonetheless. i can certainly appreciate a show that will go for High Feeling over tight plot. dark horse standout moments: trees growing everywhere proving that Perfuma Was Right, and Hordak and Adora seeing each other--that weirdly intimate moment of recognition.

Fetch the Bolt Cutters (album, finished 10/7/2020): again i find myself not having much to say that no one else has said. it’s good! once again love it when an artist reclaims something they’d attached with negative affect (anxiety, depression, disordered eating) for better and brighter things.

Solutions and Other Problems (comic, finished 10/25/2020): i was very into Allie Brosh’s ambition with this book, which feels weird to say but i stand by it. it’s cool to see an artist try to make a new medium work for them instead of just sticking to what already works. not all the experimentation was 100% effective, but it was still delightful and occasionally devastating to read, so.

Legend of Zelda (3 games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Link Between Worlds, finished 11/1/2020): this was the third time i’d played Ocarina of Time, which made it the nice, comforting groove i settled into before Majora’s Mask blatted me in the face. i’m not usually a completionist Zelda person because...the gameplay in Zelda is bad, do not at me it just is, but i really felt like i HAD to be one for Majora’s Mask since the whole point is to get attached to the banalities of the town. i’m sure nobody’s surprised that i loved it, even if it gave me an existential crisis about how life goes on in the game for NPCs when you’re not there to save them from it, and there’s not enough time to save them all all the time (also not a surprise to anyone: Romani and Cremia gave Personal Feelings). Link Between Worlds...bad. not like in a “this is a bad story by every measurable gauge” way, but i was already struggling with the 2D playstyle shift enough that for the whole story to end with some “yes it’s v sad that Lorule is Like This but trying to steal Hyrule’s privilege is Even Worse Actually” noblesse oblige bullshit left a VERY poor taste in my mouth, this year of all years. i did audibly gasp when Ravio took off his mask, though. i’m currently playing Breath of the Wild in cautious increments; it’s the first time i’ve enjoyed early Zelda gameplay, but if they wanted fully voiced cutscenes i wish they got voice actors who...knew what words sound like.

folklore (album, finished 11/6/2020): my belief that Taylor Swift is Just Fine continues, i’m afraid. i LIKED this album, don’t get me wrong, and respect her constant drive to innovate, but i didn’t love it substantially more or less than any other Taylor Swift album. mostly i’m just tickled by how she thinks leaning into the indie aesthetic means borrowing Vita Sackville-West’s entire wardrobe, though i will admit to feeling Something when she swore in a song. i think it was like. savage vindication?? you go ahead and swear, Taylor Swift. you deserve it.

Shore (album, finished 11/19/2020): do people still care about the Fleet Foxes? i think there was some Drama with Josh Tillman a while back but i don’t remember where the discourse landed with who was being more problematic. it was nostalgic for me to listen to their new album--made me remember being an undergrad who exclusively listened to men who mumbled and played acoustic guitar all over again.

Star Wars (3 movies: original trilogy, finished 11/27/2020): there is So Much bad Star Wars these days that every time i rewatch the original trilogy i’m afraid that they will suddenly be bad, but guess what! they’re not. i love these children and their hot mess stories, i love that Lando doesn’t know how to say his best friend’s name. what stood out to me this time was the way Obi-Wan described the Force in A New Hope, which strongly implied that ANYONE can be Force Sensitive; that obviously faded with each subsequent movie, but part of me does wish they’d kept it.

X of Swords (comics, 22 issues finished 12/5/2020): i am enjoying Hickman’s X-lines!!! not so much here for the Grand Conspiracy or whatever, but the character work and highkey weirdness is fabulous--they FEEL like X-Men, despite all the shakeups in-universe. this crossover is a nice microcosm of all that: grandiloquently all over the place, but still full of cool standout moments and genuine hilarity. ILLYANA DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MAGIC.

Fire Emblem (4 games: Sacred Stones, Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, Awakening, finished 12/14/2020): this was the thing that i was closest to giving up early on, but i ended up hyperfixating on it instead. that’s a credit to what the gameplay does to my lizard brain more than anything else, because the story and character writing is...insipid. it was very bizarre to witness this franchise blunder around with its animal-people racism allegory around the same time i was getting back into RWBY, and ITS animal-people racism allegory blunders. Awakening was the first time i felt anything for the franchise beyond “teehee red units disappear make exp bar go up and brain go ding,” so i’m excited for more mature storytelling in subsequent games (they MUST get better. they MUST). the child husbandry thing is...very bad tho, and Apotheosis being “challenging” entirely through the game changing all the rules is also bad.

once again no vidya games that came out this year--i’ll probably pick up Spiritfarer or Hades after the New Year, though (or maybe TLOU II! but probably not. sry Laura and Ashley). more TV and franchises this year, which made me feel In Touch with the Children but was also kinda exhausting. nothing was so egregiously terrible i dropped it without finishing! in a year like this that feels almost like an accomplishment

S1E6: My Fair Gretchen/Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

Me, literally one recap ago: “When are we gonna get a good Gretchen episode?”

Me, today, looking at the title of the next episode and refusing to be embarrassed: “WELL, FINALLY”

My Fair Gretchen

The most pressing revelation here is that “Recess” apparently takes place in Arkansas, as the episode begins with Miss Finster handing out the Arkansas Standard Achievement Test.

Beyond that, this is a lovely ~ironic subversion~ of the “My Fair Lady” trope. Let me explain: “My Fair Lady” is all about turning Eliza Doolittle into a more acceptable member of high society, right? Turning her from Cockney to, well, refined?

Here, we’ve got Gretchen, who’s by no means a member of high society, but the goal isn’t to get her there either. See, Gretchen is smart — very smart — to the point that she gets a perfect score on the ASAT. She’s called into Principal Prickly’s office, where she learns that she has the opportunity to go to Oppenheimer Elementary for the Incredibly, Extremely Gifted. (Of course, Prickly has a vested interest in this too. If two more of his kids go there, he gets that job at Spiro Agnew Middle School!)

But...Gretchen doesn’t really want to go to Oppenheimer. Her mom is excited to hear the news, but it just makes Gretchen sad. And when she tells her friends she’s on the fence about what she’s learned, they decide to take action.

After Gretchen takes one last walk around the school, saying goodbye to the swingset, the graffiti, and the rancid fish sticks in the dumpster, she gets home to find...the gang! And they’ve got a plan to de-smart her so that when she goes in front of the Oppenheimer review board the next day, they’ll have no choice but to turn her down.

“I’ve been trying to dumb myself down ever since kindergarten,” Gretchen says, to which TJ replies, “This time, you’ve got experts on your side.”

“Yo, Prickly,” New Gretchen says as she walks into the gym for her review. After a whirlwind day of trying new looks (courtesy of the Diggers, the Ashleys, the kindergarteners), she shows up in, um, I’m not a fashion person but she’s coming off as very...not this decade? Wow, helpful.

So yeah, instead of going for “refined,” we get, well, the opposite of that. But here, it’s also the socially acceptable landing point. Instead of being a super-genius who aces standardized tests, Gretchen is now...just like any other kid.

The board, pictured above, asks Gretchen a handful of trivia questions, and she gets them all spectacularly wrong (“Who was the 14th president of the United States?” “Dennis Rodman?”). From outside, the gang celebrates her achievement...until the plan backfires.

A humiliated Principal Prickly accuses Gretchen of cheating on the exam, and Gretchen can’t help but recite all of the correct answers to their questions, in order, with perfect accuracy. Albert Einstein (you see him, come on) asks why she was hiding her intelligence, and she explains she doesn’t want to go to the new school. The board banishes Prickly to the hallway, where he and the gang await Gretchen’s fate.

When they emerge, Einstein explains that Gretchen convinced the board that there's more to education than book-learnin’ (which sort of reminds me of “Bart the Genius,” where Bart initially tries to convince the gifted school he has cheated his way into to let him go back to his old school undercover, “to see what makes ‘em tick”).

The board suggests the school instead implement a tutorial program, and the episode ends with Gretchen teaching...a room full of teachers. As it should be.

Takeaway: Every time I see an episode about a gifted kid/genius kid, I think about all the memes that go, like, “if you were ever a ‘gifted kid’ in school, you’re depressed now,” and...yeah. Imagine having all this pressure to succeed in fourth grade, you know?

Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

(Today in “trying something new on the blog,” I want to share something I wrote a few years ago that pretty much says what I would have written here anyway. The episode is about the class hamster, Speedy, dying, and how the kids react to it.)

In middle school, I had two opportunities to take part in Challenge Day, a day-long anti-bullying program meant to bring to the forefront all the deeply personal things that participants have in common, all while celebrating their diversity and inspiring them to dismantle the structure that causes these differences to drive them apart.

Being middle schoolers — 11-, 12-, and 13-year-olds in the thick of maintaining childhood friendships, facing new encounters, and experiencing puberty — there was a wide range of expectations for the event and the reactions throughout it. Many students saw the day solely as an opportunity to be able to skip school, while several of us read the material given to us with our permission slips and at least vaguely understood that our emotions — and our beliefs — would be tested.

The first time I did Challenge Day was in sixth grade, and at first, my primary concern was that my best friend and had been separated, relegated to participating on different days. But when the 100 or so of us entered the gym, whose windows had been blacked out to avoid any interruptions from the other 300 students on campus, the specially-trained Challenge Day leaders made every opportunity to pull us out of our comfort zones right away. Suddenly, we were sprinting within a massive circle of chairs, instructed to find a new seat, and found ourselves sitting between two people we’d never met to whom we would then have to introduce ourselves.

Eventually, we split into small groups of 6 or 7 — similarly randomly assigned, paired with a parent volunteer — and talked more candidly about our worries, how we truly felt going to school every day, and even our personal tragedies. The point here was to prove that we were able to open up to a group of strangers following all of the icebreaker activities we’d completed. And, from what my friend had told me after completing her Challenge Day the previous day, this portion of the day was where everyone started crying. While a good number of the students who were just happy to have the day off from school didn’t take this part seriously, I really wanted to – and luckily, both times, my group was just as keen.

I don’t much remember what I shared at that first Challenge Day, but in eighth grade I was dealing with both that friend’s sudden move to a school two hours away and the death of my hamster, my first real pet, and I felt I had a lot to talk about. The students in my group were very receptive to what I had to say, and one even took me aside after we moved on from the small group activities and complimented my candidness, saying I was very brave to cry for my friend and my pet.

Unfortunately, the parent volunteer in our group was less sympathetic. On the Challenge Day website, it states that volunteers receive a quick overview of the day before students arrive, and that’s it. Sadly, you can’t teach sympathy in half an hour. When I almost immediately starting sobbing about my troubles and was met with kindness by my fellow middle school-aged group members, this woman promptly interrupted me.

“Are you sure you’re not just getting caught up in the emotions, sweetheart?” she asked, her attempted pleasantness pierced by skepticism. “At your age, you’re too old to be crying about hamsters and one lost friend. There are more hamsters, and there are more friends.”

What could I do? I was a shy, insecure 13-year-old who was clearly overwhelmed by my own hardships — albeit comparatively minute to what some members of the group had shared — and all this woman could do was point out my perceived weaknesses and trivialize feelings I thought were legitimate and sincere. So I gave in. I nodded.

“Mm-hmm,” she confirmed, her face lit up in victory. “You need to learn to be stronger. That’s what today is all about. Let’s move on to someone else.”

Of course, because of the quiet, non-confrontational person I was — and still, only 13, barely beginning to emotionally mature — I let her words sink in. I entirely believed that what I had shared was completely out of line, and rebuked myself for crying at all. Since early childhood, I was the type of person who cried whenever I felt worried or insecure, and this woman, in just a few sentences, had made me so worried and so insecure that I didn’t want to cry anymore.

For me, Challenge Day in sixth grade was exciting. Because my school had only opened that year, even the seventh- and eighth-graders who transferred from the middle school across town were open to making new friends, and it was a wholly positive experience. But after Challenge Day in eighth grade, I wondered if I’d become too comfortable being openly emotional two years before. And, not to place the entirety of the blame on this one woman’s speech, since I clearly had many reasons to feel down, eighth grade was when I first recognized that I might be depressed. Even still, I don’t think I should have had to say, “Look, lady, I appreciate your fake concern, but I’m clinically depressed” to avoid any further insult.

I know so many people whose feelings were invalidated as kids simply because, as kids, many of them just hadn’t been alive long enough to experience the type of pain that adults have. (And even if they have, the emotional differences inherent in both parties for the exact same tragedy or other life change can be profound.) When adults don’t understand that comparing the plights of a single 13-year-old to their own — or anyone’s — is completely unfair, their words and actions can quickly devolve into invalidation and, sometimes, abuse.

During that second Challenge Day, the main message conveyed by the leaders was beyond my attention. I thought I’d come away with the advice to not cry unless it was about something really important, and to “be stronger” — which was completely abstract to me at the time. (It still is, honestly. Is there a checklist I have to fill out to determine if I’m “strong” enough to…what? Be a living, appropriately emotional person? I mean, evidently not.)

I don’t want adults to be rude to kids who are expressing emotions of any kind, even if it’s about something they don’t think is worth expending energy to worry about. Children and teenagers have vastly different capacities to internalize the world around them compared to adults, and that doesn’t make their reactions to hardships wrong or invalid. We should all know this, having been kids ourselves, but obviously we don’t.

When adults can’t understand a world in which a hamster’s death is, for one day, the most important thing, perhaps the sole hardship on a child’s mind, then we don’t deserve their innocent happiness at learning on their own that there are, in fact, more hamsters.

If we can’t handle children’s emotions at their worst — the worst “worst” they’ve ever experienced — to what fate are we dooming them when the things they don’t talk about, their depression and abuse and appropriately hard hardships that are allowed to challenge their strength, get bad enough for us to care?

Takeaway: Let kids feel their feelings when they’re kids so they have a healthy relationship with their emotions as adults. (Please.)

Warning!! Long post ahead (LOL)

I’ve been meaning to do one of these for a while now. Quite a few friends and followers have asked me ‘what big influences can you think of that have inspired you as an artist/creator?’

A lot of movies, games, books, tv series, artists, and writers have influenced my drawing style and storytelling - some of them more so than others. (As represented by the larger squares in the image)

So here we go!! The numbers for each inspiration were chosen at random, the order doesn’t have any significance lol

1. Cardcaptor Sakura - (and the works of CLAMP in general I suppose because I read them all) Cardcaptor Sakura wasn’t my first manga but it holds a really special place in my heart because it’s lore and depictions of love has influenced my storytelling a LOT. I was obsessed with CLAMP and their art style when I was young to the point I would trace their drawings to learn and emulate their style.  To this day I feel like it left a big impact on my art style especially.

2. Cyborg 009 - When I was a kid my parents told me and my brother that we couldn’t afford cable TV and reduced our service to the news channels and public broadcasting.  We didn’t have cable TV for several years and when we finally got it back when I was 12, one of the FIRST TV programs I saw was Cyborg 009. I was just beginning to understand what anime was, since the only anime I’d seen was before our cable got cut, and I was so young I didn’t know it WAS anime. I immediately fell in love with Cyborg 009. I  loved the characters, the story, everything - and I still do! It was the beginning of my exploration of the anime genre as a whole haha

3. ‘The Twelve Kingdoms’ book series  - Around the same time I started watching Cyborg 009, I began getting into manga. While browsing the section in the bookstore one day I came across the first novel in The Twelve Kingdoms series. I was surprised to find a novel in the manga section and decided to browse through it. I couldn’t put it down! The rich world building and storytelling pulled me in and left me wanting more. I devoured the entire book series and the way the world was brought to life really stuck with me and influenced my own world building.

4. Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles - my very first Final Fantasy game, and it was a spinoff title to boot! I was drawn in by the dark, melancholic world and cute graphics. I played this game a lot with my friends and even though multiplayer was a nightmare to set up, we had so much fun. I wasn’t able to beat it until I was 16, and the story left me in tears. The Crystal Chronicles games as  whole have left a HUGE impact on me, but the first one especially so.

5. Sonic the Hedgehog - My first game ever! My brother and I first played Sonic the Hedgehog 2 when we were around 3 or 4 years old. We were hooked on our parent’s Sega Genesis system and Sonic was our favorite! When we’d get home from school we’d fight over who got to play first in single player, eventually we settled on a system, My brother would play sonic, and since Tails couldn’t die even if he ran out of rings, I would fight all the boss battles as Tails while my brother tried to keep Sonic out of the way. Using this system we made it all the way up to Metal Sonic but could never beat him. We’d have 99 lives too because we knew ALL the secrets of the game LOL. I’ve played most of the Sonic titles since then, including my favorite, Sonic Adventure 2: Battle.  

6. Sailor Moon - my ‘first’ anime. I was very young when I first saw this anime. I didn’t even know what anime was! But the portrayal of girl power and how strong all the female characters were really stuck out to me, raised as I was in a women-are-inferior-and-should-serve-their-husbands religious household. Sailor Jupiter was my favorite because she was a tomboy and wore ponytails just like me haha

7. Fullmetal Alchemist - I think I’ve touched on this before, but I have had really weak bones since I was a little kid. In middle school I was constantly on and off of crutches or in and out of wheelchairs with broken bones and such. (I blame being a huge clutz) It got to the point my classmates started calling me ‘calamity Jane’ and making fun of me. To that dorky middle school girl with crutches and leg braces, Edward Elric was my HERO. Disability representation matters folks! It certainly helped me through a rough time in my life.

8. The works of Studio Ghibli - My first Ghibli movie was My Neighbor Totoro, and I’ve been hooked ever since. I actually managed to get my mom into them too, so now we can have mother/daughter quality bonding time over new Ghibli movies when they come out. It gives us a lot of fond memories together and I enjoy those times I get to spend with her. Mom and I may not see eye to eye all the time, but I truly treasure the memories I have of watching Ghibli films with her.

9. Odin Sphere - This one is more recent, and one I blame @heebiejeebiejade for. I love everything about it. The story, the art, the characters!   It tore my heart out and the writing is just superb I love it so much. and the ART my god it’s so beautiful.

10. Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles the Crystal Bearers - I decided I needed to make this one separate from the earlier Crystal Chronicles section. Mostly because this game HEAVILY influenced and changed my life. Not only is it my favorite game ever, it brought me to many of my current friendships! If not for this game I never would have met @heebiejeebiejade @killerkitty4 @indestructiblemoog @shadyfolk @ninjamonkeystudios and SOOOOO many others. These friendships mean a great deal to me. They’ve changed and shaped who I am today and I’m truly grateful for them, and they never would have been possible without Crystal Bearers.

11. Dragonball - Another one of those I never knew it was Anime cartoons I watched as a young child. I loved Dragonball and later Dragonball Z. The characters, the storytelling, the fight scenes, I loved it all because it was so different from what I was used to seeing in American cartoons. My brother and I would have Super Saiyan battles in our backyard throwing Kamehamehas at each other and laughing and generally annoying our neighbors XD

12. Over the Garden Wall - Another more recent influence. Over the Garden Wall was one of the first new cartoons that grabbed my attention due to it’s great pacing and creepy Americana storytelling. Mysteries, ghosts, the afterlife, purgatory, this show dealt with a lot of creepy things while simultaneously making it funny and endearing. I rewatch it often and it’s one of my favorites.

13. Legend of Mana and the Seiken Densetsu Series - Again, I blame @heebiejeebiejade entirely for this. She sent me a huge box with every game in the Seiken Densetsu series in it along with the guidebooks saying “you HAVE to play these.” I knew she liked them so I gave them a try and YEP as per usual with anything Jade introduces me to, they COMPLETELY DESTROYED ME. Love, sacrifice, life, death, and rebirth, are a huge part of these title’s storytelling and they drew me in completely. Legend of Mana and Dawn of Mana especially. Their world building and plot devices may or may not have heavily influence my own XD

14. The ‘Stravaganza’ book series - The first time I picked up a Stravaganza book title was when I was twelve and found this really shiny book in a used bookstore for $3. It featured a picture of Venice, and a pair of violet eyes staring at you from behind a shiny silver mask on the cover. I’m not sure why It spoke to me, it just did. I bought it and finished it within a day. That book was titled City of Masks and I loved it a lot! And then I found out there were more! An entire series! The books featured time travel and dimensional travel, espionage and intrigue! I read and devoured them all and to this day I hold out hope for a final volume to finish the series.

15. Avatar: the Last Airbender - At age 12 I dismissed Avatar as a kid show originally. I scoffed at it and laughed at my little brother for being so into it. Then I saw the first episode. And it was then that I knew what a mistake I had made. I know a LOT of people love Avatar, and for good reason! I don’t have to go super in-depth here because I’m sure most of you already know how great it is. It’s definitely influenced both my art style and my storytelling.

16. Hikaru no Go - This one’s special. When I was in high school I was bullied a LOT. Like, people writing DIE YOU WHORE in my textbooks and putting thumb tacks in my gym shoes kind of bullying. They’d touch me and then pretended that they’d die of the plague. That if anyone had a crush on me they were worse than trash. The kind of bullying that made me a bit suicidal in my teen years. Lucky for me my mother had bought me a copy of Monthly Shonen Jump in early 2005, She knew that I liked manga and thought it would be the perfect magazine gift for me for valentine’s day. Boy was she right and one of the manga featured in it was Hikaru no Go. I loved the art style, and the storytelling. I was instantly captivated by the characters and I wanted to know what happened next. I soon subscribed to SJ monthly and eagerly awaited the next installment each month. What this meant was that whenever I was feeling like I wanted to end it all, I’d remember that I didn't’ know what happened next and would wait. I honestly believe that Hikaru no Go is at least partially responsible for me making it out of high school alive, and I treasure it to this day. (Also I’m on anti-depressants now so don’t worry about me y’all okay? XD) There was another manga like this, but I'mnot sure how to feel about that one anymore :(

17. Magic Knight Rayearth - I know I’ve already listed CLAMP as a heavy influence on me, but I felt Magic Knight Rayearth deserved it’s own place because it was my first manga ever! I’d seen the commercial for the anime on one of my old DVDs way back when, and I was already intereseted in it when I happened to find the manga in a bookstore! I bought it and reread the first volume a dozen times before I even found the second ahaha. I must have read the complete set a hundred times now and let me tell you the twist ending of the first part kills me every time! The first of my manga obsession ahaha

18. Tales of the Abyss and The ‘Tales of’ game series - Tales of the Abyss was my first (and still my favorite) Tales game, and since then I’ve played almost all of them! They definitely influenced my character designs, most of my friends comment on how Tales-like my costumes are ahaha

19. The 'Riyria’ book series - The most recent novel series I’ve read. It’s got everything I’d ever want to see in a novel, it’s so great and the story is so deep and intriguing! I recommend everyone to read it, it’s a MUST READ for sure!

20. Journey - The first time I played this game I cried for three hours. I felt like I’d just had a religious and spiritual experience far beyond what I’d ever experienced in a video game before. It was just something so… beyond me. I recommend everyone to play this game at least once in their lifetime. I can’t really form the words to express what it means to me. It’s just something you’d have to experience for yourself.

21. Ico: Castle in the Mist and Shadow of the Colossus - Another famous one lol a LOT of people love these games but In particular I want to bring attention to the Ico novelization, Ico: Castle in the Mist. I really enjoyed the novel and it’s worldbuilding. The games will always be special to me, but that novel man. That novel.

22. Yu Yu Hakusho - One of my guilty favorites! I first saw Yu Yu Hakusho when I was 16 and I’ve loved it ever since! I’ve always been fascinated with spirits and the occult, but I definitely had to hide this one from my religious parents.

23. Black Cat - Honestly this one surprises me. I love those secret identity and hidden horrible past animes and this one definitely fits that bill. I think this one established my favorite tropes in my life more than anything else.

24. A Bride’s Story - Two words. THE ART. MY GOD THE ART. This manga, in addtion to being a really great read, has some of the most detailed artwork I’ve ever seen. It’s influenced me greatly and I encourage everyone to read it.

25. Bravely Default - Bravely Default definitely influenced my story building and characters, it was one of the first 3DS games that really captivated me and drew me into its world!

26. Yu-Gi-Oh!! - Another series I had to hide from my parents ahah This anime was something I really loved in my childhood. Again, I really love ghosts and spirits and things like that so this anime was probably what started it all!

27. Fire Emblem Awakening and the Fire Emblem Series - Awakening was my first Fire Emblem game (Cue whining from the FE purists LOL) but since then I’ve played them all! (Including the JP only ones don’t start with me haters ahahahaha) The storytelling and bonds between the characters really resonated with me and it’s become one of my favorite game series!

28. The ‘Legend of Zelda’ game series - The repeating themes of good vs evil throughout the Legend of Zelda games really struck a chord with me, especially when I was young. Twilight Princess and Wind Waker especially influenced me. “A Sword has no strength unless the hand that wields it has courage.” Is something that has suck with me for a long time, and something that encourages me and helps me get through my everyday life.

29. The Final Fantasy Series - Final Fantasy has had a HUGE impact on my life. I already gave Crystal Chronicles it’s due, now it’s the numbered titles turn! Final Fantasy has influenced my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined ten years ago even! I’ve played them all (Except 11, curse having no internet as a teenager!) and they’ve definitely shaped my lore and world building skills!

30. Naruto - Okay I’ll admit it! I was Naruto weeboo trash in highschool!!! Oh woe is me!! Just kidding! I honestly still love Naruto, and it’s something that really stuck with me for a long time, since it’s one of the first anime I saw (after learning what anime was ahaha)

31. Gravity Falls - How can I put this… Hmmmm. Gravity Falls has heavily influenced my character building. I love it’s characters. Don’t get me wrong I love the story too! But the characters are honestly what kept me coming back for more! Not to mention that epic foreshadowing in season one. Yep.

32. Spiral: The Bonds of Reasoning - Another one of my favorite manga in Highschool that oddly helped me through my depression. The main character’s struggles sort of resonated with me and helped my healing process in my late teens and early twenties.

33. Final Fantasy XII - Okay WORLDBUILDING. Let’s talk about worldbuilding because MY GOD has Final Fantasy XII have it. I love the Ivalice games in general, but the amount of effort put into 12 having a world that feels like it’s alive is astounding to be honest. The world truly feels like it’s alive, and it drew me in for over 400 hours of gameplay on Playstation 2. To this day it’s the game I have logged the most hours into.

34. Radiant Historia - What drew me in here was TIME TRAVEL and STORY AND WORLDBUILDING. This game is a hidden gem in the Nintendo DS’s extensive library. It doesn’t have the best graphics or even the best gameplay mechanics, but it didn’t matter to me because the story kept me coming back for more! By far one of my favorite games ever. (Pssst go play it, it got a remake for 3DS)

35. Final Fanasy XIV - This one is a favorite, not just because of it’s story and world building - both of which are excellent btw - but because of the connections I’ve made through it. I have made so many friends online through this game, friends that make me feel better about myself as a person, and who’ve stuck with me through the hard times along with the good.

36. Mushishi - We’ve established that I love ghosts and spirits and things, but this series made me love connecting it with nature, something that has heavily influenced my writing and my own webcomic!

37. Voltron - Mostly the first two seasons. Beast King Golion was one of my first super sentai anime as a child, and I loved seeing it remade! It was like getting to revisit my childhood

38. Gundam SEED and the Gundam Series - Okay Gundam has influenced me throughout my life, starting with Gundam Wing when I was six years old, and continuing on to this day. The one I’ve watched the most times though, is Gundam SEED, and it’s influenced my characters and storytelling a lot!

Wow, congrats to whoever manged to read this far. You’re really determined I’ll give you that! Thanks for reading!

Wednesday Roundup 29.11.18

Another week another grab bag of comics in what might be one of the highest rated weeks of the Roundup since I started over a year ago! But how does everyone hold up? How do they all compare? I’m asking for dramatizing’s sake but genuinely there’s nothing in this week that isn’t immensely enjoyable if they even remotely pique your interests. GREAT week for comics, everyone. GG.

Tesladyne’s Atomic Robo, Image’s Black Magick, DC’s Super Sons, IDW’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Ghostbusters II, IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light

Tesladyne’s Atomic Robo and the Spectre of Tomorrow #2 Brian Clevinger, Scott Wegener, Anthony Clark, Jeff Powell

There is a certain amount of dry wit and scientific community knowledge that is instrumental to getting the full experience out of the clever writing and deceptively simplistic design of Atomic Robo, and for the past few months I’ve been making a solid attempt to evaluate these comics and Robo himself based on the entertainment received without much of that. And, in all honesty, the more I’ve looked into this the more I wonder if that’s the wrong approach for “unbiased” evaluation to begin with. 

For example, I’ve been very firm on my description of Usagi Yojimbo as being one of those great comics that only gets more and more enriching as you grow a personal interest in history, Japanese culture, and mythologizing -- it’s far enough removed from our actual realities and accessible enough that I recommend it to people who don’t have those interests, but I find that those interests add so much more to the experience. The simple designs, the consistency, the way the narrative is built in episodic spurts more than long form narrative -- those are all reasons I can in good faith recommend these comics to people outside of niche interests, but those niche interests add so much to any reading that it’s difficult to really express why anyone would want to read without so much as acknowledging it. 

That all said, this particular issue continues that same level of quality and intrigue, but also rewards the emotional investment you may have in the characters involved. PersonallyI relate a lot more to Robo’s sense of self-exile and reclusive depression which only causes more and more problems to pile up far more than I’d have ever thought I would, and I don’t think I’d be alone in that. There’s also the long time readers’ reward in seeing consequences to that stollen crystal from Doctor Dinosaur’s island ages ago. All great stuff which is only more greatly emphasized by the creative use of familiar real world scientific organizations and entities wrapped up in this bizarre and surreal reality of Atomic Robo.

Image’s Black Magick (2015-present) #9 Greg Rucka, Nicola Scott

Sometimes the real value of storytelling lies less in identifying the complete package and more in being able to identify the way it weaves multiple elements and even genres at once to provide a new kind of satisfying narrative. And it’s in that way that I think Black Magick has so quickly become not only one of my favorite Greg Rucka and Nicola Scott comics, but one of my favorite recent publications in general. 

Black Magick follows a noir-style crime drama in structure, but its embrace of the supernatural and, especially, in witching stories provide the sort of edge that makes the tiredness of the former genre feel fresh even in the heavily saturated market for procedurals we have currently, while the latter feels completely reborn from that small but influential boom we felt in the 90s. I have never been closer to re-marathoning The Craft, Practical Magic and Charmed outside of the Halloween season. But each new issue of Black Magick brings me that step closer.

This issue also happens to follow the very specific to this week trend of leaning heavily on emotional stakes to really pull itself and its characters above even the thickest of genre settings however, and Black Magick specifically manages that while maintaining an incredibly tight hold on Rowan’s perspective. Which is fascinating because on reread you really realize how much the POV shifts away from Rowan and onto the other characters and their subplots but in reflection it all feels like it’s only in service to Rowan’s main story more than anything else. 

Nicola Scott continues to prove she is perhaps the most gifted and, really, the most prolific of comic book artists in the modern era and I maintain that seeing the true extent of her talents is best assessed by reading this comic and just allowing yourself to be blown away by it all.

This issue also gets major props for introducing a familiar. Good, comic. Perhaps not as action filled or breathtaking as the last issue which was a nail biter from start to finish, but most certainly deserving of those 4/5 stars. 

DC’s Super Sons (2017-present) Annual #1 Peter J. Tomasi, Paul Pelletier, Cam Smith, HI-FI

If you’re one of those people -- and let me absolutely clear that it is more than understandable to be one of these people -- who find super pets and the absolute general ridiculousness of a storyline that involves super animals in any capacity with a timeline that makes no sense and the only real dialogue that matters being literal growls barks and yips, this is not an issue worth your $4.99, you’ll hate it and be annoyed with people like me screaming from the rooftops that you should buy it and read it and love it. And that is completely and utterly fine and reasonable.

I am not fine or reasonable, however, and this is literally the most rewarding $4.99 I’ve spent on a comic in ages. Because no joke there were several times while I was liveblogging this issue both on my main blog and to my friends in PMs that I was literally in tears crying with laughter because

because

Holy shit guys.

In recent years a continued criticism I have carried for superhero comics is that there is a huge tone problem, in that there is a genre’s worth of tones and atmospheres that could be played off of to give at least each individual book if not each individual issue its own feeling and its own intrigue that would set it apart from the rest of the line that given week. DC, especially, has contributed greatly to this tone problem because as I’ve said many times, there was about five years there where even the color palettes for their comics had no variation between them. And it was maddening. 

So to have something goofy, to have something different, and to have it be fun, enjoyable, full of twists and turns, and not so damn determined to take itself beyond seriously, it makes this comic throwback feel like a breath of fresh air in the most necessary of ways. 

And I should be clear, I don’t mean that this comic is for everyone, or that Super Sons as a comic in general doesn’t manage to strike that cord a lot since it really is one of the most enjoyable comics DC has put out in years, but this really felt like a treat, an additional, ridiculous, hilarious story set so far apart from what’s come before. It’s greatly enjoyable. Genuinely deserve of my coveted 5/5 stars. 

IDW’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Ghostbusters II (2017) #5 (of 5) Erik Burnham, Tom Waltz, Dan Shoening, Charles Paul Wilson III, Luis Antonio Delgado

We finally come to an end of this second giant mashup of Ghostbusters and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, truly the sort of framework and pairing that is as old as time, and I get to reward everyone’s patience with me reviewing these for a month an a half straight with some final thoughts of sorts. 

I compliment both of these writers quite a bit for their respective contributions and the absolute mastery they both have shown for the voices of their respective franchises, but as this week is pretty well summed up with Rena Waxes Philosophically And Is Old, I think both of our times are better spent here by pointing out something a bit different that really came together with this issue. And that’s that for how pitch perfect these writers are for capturing the long expected voices of these beloved characters, the real remarkable compliment I can give them is how they have uniquely captured and redefined these voices to really make them their own.

Despite how much my childhood might have desired these team ups (and believe me, it so did) the fact is that these interactions and these relationships are utterly a modern invention, and what could easily fail outside of the concept states instead flourishes with us here specifically because they are sticking to their guns and not always angling for the obvious route with these interactions. That’s what makes all of this so fascinating and so rewarding as a fan.

In comparison to the predecessor, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Ghostbusters II does not have as tight of a storyline with a steady but consistent pacing and understanding of where it’s going. But I think because that set up was taking care of in the original these five issues allowed for more experimentation and more concentration on character development and fun scenarios. So if you’re far more invested in character interactions and in comics taking full advantage of the outrageous and unique tone of its medium, there’s probably all the more for you to enjoy with this compared to the first. But at the same time, it would be lying to say that the main driving plot and stakes, with Darius Dun’s ghost and the Fast Forward Evil Turtles-lite trying to harvest souls in a complicated and underused concept didn’t come off as overall a bit weaker than the original.

All that said, ultimately this comic is a joy for fans and it seems to be aimed quite specifically at that audience either way. And in that case I have to give it my highest regards.

IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light (2016-present) #11 James Roberts, Jack Lawrence, Joana Lafuente

Ever since the last arc of James Robert’s parent series, More Than Meets the eye, there’s been a few gaps in the concept of what happened on the Lost Light during and after the mutiny, whether or not the crew saw the Rod Squad’s las message, and especially curious to people like me who can’t help themselves but love our affable and entirely flawed co-Captain Rodimus, what was his final request for his burial and what not since we saw the rest of the crew’s.

And in the second part of this “Mutineer Trilogy” that we have for Lost Light, we are at long last getting our answers to many of those questions. And for a reveal that was a year coming, the Lost Light manages to pack all the twists, turns, and punches that we could hope to expect! 

It’s fascinating to see Getaway’s sense of grandeur when it comes to himself, his plans, and really the whole driving force with the mutiny, but I really find that where Roberts’ writing and where we as readers get the most out of is the interesting and very layered sense that Roberts has for the lore of the Transformers. It feels like every subtle piece of dialogue, whether it concerns lore and mythology of the universe or not, is really weaved throughout with a submersion in this fictional culture. And that, especially, is really revealing here. It’s a very rewarding way to handle lore and I greatly appreciate it. 

One that does make me apprehensive with the turns Lost Light has taken most recently, however, is that moral grayness sometimes feels really blurred with a light take or even somewhat forgiving light given to what are undeniably and outright stated as fascist and genocidal elements of the Transformers’ past, especially Megatron. Having this issue completely dedicated to Getaway’s perspective while tackling these themes doesn’t really help because he is most egregiously one of the most villainous and traitorous characters the series has tackled, but while it feels like he’s only using the aghast feelings of the crew toward Megatron, ultimately he’s the only one who gives a speech against Megatron’s past of genocide and fascism while also taking over in the most truly reprehensible and fascist ways possible himself. This is further blurred by having some very topical buzz words like “fake news” uttered by Getaway in a... lbr pretty nonsensical way in-universe, but then have him going around imprisoning or hideously killing all of the crew which doesn’t agree with him.

I’m basically waiting for Roberts to fully address all of this in the story but right now it feels very much like “both sides are extreme and bad” mentality that, given Roberts’ politics and statements irl, I don’t think is what he ultimately wants this story to be coming away as, but I’m nervous and would like for things to tread lightly considering the current environment. 

ALL of my apprehensions and concerns out of the way, this is still a fascinating and ultimately fantastic comic that I really truly enjoy and would love to see more of because if Roberts’ Transformers is guilty of anything it’s definitely guilty of raising my expectations and setting that bar so high because of how good and how complicated and interesting all of it ca be in the right hands.

Hey there! We finish up another pretty fun, if not quick, week in comics with lots of stories and characters, and another pretty great time from yours truly. And if you enjoy these write-ups or anything else I do whether it be the Roundups, my Rambles, my personal creative projects, or you’re interested in my upcoming podcast, you can help contribute through donations to my Ko-Fi, Patreon, or PayPal. For as little as $1 per project, you make all of this possible.

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I Miss The Old Me

In my final year of college, aged 17/18 I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. Going to university is what you’re pushed towards these days, pushed by staff at college and in my case by my family. My parents pushed me not on purpose, but it was clearly the future for me that they wanted, I also felt some pressure coming from the fact my two older siblings had been to large universities and gained top degrees. I applied to a number of universities in the North of England despite home being far away in the South West. I ended up with an unconditional offer for one of the uni’s I had really liked the look of and found myself incredibly excited.

Fresher’s week rolled around and it seemed I’d hit the jackpot, I had six flatmates and they seemed like lovely people and the flat next door where also keen to join in. I’m in my third year now and can confirm that two of the guys from my flat and the flat next door have become my best friends. We all went out for every night of fresher’s week and many nights for the next few weeks after that, I can’t remember specifically if it was at the end of fresher’s week or sometime the week after that things became a little strange. I’ve had what I now know to have been small episodes of depression before, but what hit me in those first few weeks was something very new to me. During college I had self-harmed, not majorly or very often, just small scratches in places usually well hidden. It’s not that I wasn’t happy, I was, I loved my college years and I think back on them as the greatest years of my life so far. This episode that hit me early in first year made me long to hurt myself like nothing else. So I did. I’d go on a night out, have a good time and then return to my room and pull out my pen knife and cut across my wrist. The reason why was quite terrifying for me, it is a fairly long story but I feel the need to explain it all so please bear with it. When I finished secondary school I got my first major taste of how cruel life could be, I’d just finished my year 11 exams and felt positively about how I’d done in them, I was looking forward to the summer ahead in which I was going to a music festival with a huge group of friends and my then girlfriend, I was also going away on holiday with ‘the lads’ and looking forward to many parties followed by the exciting prospect of starting college. It was just a few days before the festival and a day or two after my final exam that my parents broke the news to me that my mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer and would be going to hospital whilst I was away on my lads holiday. I can’t explain the feeling that came over me the evening I found out. I did what I often do when I felt down and went for a walk, I’m lucky to live in the middle of the countryside surrounded by farmland, forests and rivers, it was on this walk that I made the realisation that I believe triggered my first episode of depression and has never quite let me free ever since. My mum’s cancer was my fault. This sounds impossible I know and I am also aware that there is no way that what I’m about to say makes it my fault but I still blame myself. A few months before the news about my mum I liked school very much and had a number of great friends but I just existed in that school, I wanted to stand out, be more noticeable or special in some way, maybe in a way that made me more interesting. Then I considered that if something horrible happened to me, or my family, like it does in many films, there would be a happy ending for me as those people in films always go through something terrible and end up being noticed. I was instantly ashamed by this thought, I wouldn’t dream of seeing anyone I love suffer, having now had therapy I’ve been told passing thoughts like this aren’t unnatural. But anyway, I blamed myself and that’s a lot to carry. Importantly, my mum pulled through and has regular check-ups and passes clear every time but that summer was a lonely time, I wasn’t myself at the festival, lost my girlfriend but managed to hold it together for the holiday with my friends. The rest of the summer I isolated myself, for some reason I couldn’t tell my friends what had happened and rather than pretending to be happy and listening to their petty troubles I kept it all to myself. When I  got back from my holiday and my mum was in hospital I’d sneak out of my house in the middle of the night, walk through fields in pitch black and lie down under the stars, it was my first taste of true loneliness. During that time and throughout college I had some nightmares of myself with cancer, I’d dream about staring at myself in a mirror, just a few strands of hair left on my head, skin grey and clinging to my thin and fragile body, eyes empty and as grey as my skin. This is the image that came to life when I started uni and it drove me mad. Instead it wasn’t just there in my dreams; I could see it, this ghostly image of myself right before my eyes everywhere I went. It brought back the guilt of my mum’s cancer and made me feel even more guilty thinking I was more worried for me than her, and so I hurt myself, several times. One night, when completely drunk, a flat mate of mine noticed my wrist and had a chat with me, as drunk as I was I let her into a few details and so she took my pen knife and I promised I wouldn’t hurt myself again, the second she left my room I put my fist through a photo frame smashing the glass and tearing up my knuckles, I then grabbed a shard and drove it into my wrist. For one of the first times in years I cried properly, scared of what had happened to me, convinced it wouldn’t end and seeing no solution. I had barely cried when I had found out about my mother, my grief was real but crying wasn’t my solution, that night at uni was terrifying. The next night we went out again and someone had heard that there was a great view of the city at the top of a public car park, so after the club we went up there, I strolled around the edge of the roof by myself and leant over the edge and looked at the drop to the solid tarmac below, I don’t think I need to specify the thought that went through my mind at that moment and, admittedly being drunk didn’t help, but I don’t think I’ve even admitted to myself how close I came to doing the last thing I would have ever done in my life that night. That night I cried again, all night, I spent the next few days alone and knew things had to change. Eventually they did, they improved a bit, truthfully I think I’ve just learnt to live with the thoughts I have.

When university itself started it certainly wasn’t what I thought it would be, I find it very difficult to explain this because I didn’t have a specific idea of what uni would be like in the first place. In a way it just felt no different to me than college, work was presented on presentations and the lecturers would talk about it in more detail than was shown on screen. Assignments were just longer versions of essays I’d already written at college and field trips were managed by staff with clip boards and registers like I’d seen through my whole life. What I’m saying is university itself disappointed me; you’re not treated like an adult any more than a college student is. Obviously the living situation is completely different to what most teenagers have ever experienced, living with people your age, buying your own food and doing everything for yourself came as a bit of a shock to me as I’m sure it does to all first year students.

By Christmas time I realised that university wasn’t making me happy and I really didn’t enjoy my course at all, my attendance was incredibly low because my sleeping pattern was completely ruined and my depression kept me locked in my room and in my bed for hours each day. If you’ve had depression you might understand what I’m saying, everyone’s depression is different but it’s more incapacitating than I could ever explain. It appears as pure laziness but it feels like you’re not in control of your own actions, you wake up in the middle of the day and even if you’re in pain from hunger, desperately thirsty and keen to get up and make something of the day it’s the one thing you can’t seem to do. It’s not like I spent this time on my phone or watching TV, I simply lay there, alone with my own thoughts, listening in on the sounds of the city and envying the lives of those who occupy it with me. Depression is draining, you feel tired despite doing nothing and the thoughts that pass through your mind are truly horrible. I can’t remember a day when a thought hasn’t gone through my head telling myself that I’m useless, worthless, ugly, horrible, boring, and selfish or a day I’ve not felt numb, cold, frustrated, despaired, overwhelmed and empty.

I went through the early stages of dropping out of university and by February was almost a signature away from doing so, not that I’d told my parents anything. The day I went in to uni to make the final decision a rainbow shone over my university building and something felt different that day, a positivity I’d almost forgotten was possible and in that moment something made me stay, at least until the end of the year to give me a chance to discuss it with my parents and let myself get into a better state of mind to make a better decision. So I stayed, passed all my assignments and exams (just), spoke to my parents over Easter (who certainly weren’t pleased) and got ready and excited to be home for the summer. Again something had to go wrong.

I was unwell for a few days before I went home at the end of first year, it was getting progressively worse and by the time my parents came to collect me I wasn’t in a good state. The next day, back at home I went to the doctors who, after a few tests, told me I needed to go to hospital very soon as my right kidney simply wasn’t functioning properly. I spent a terrifying five nights in hospital during which many tests were carried out to specify the cause of my problem, they couldn’t find one from the basic tests and so I convinced myself my nightmare had come true, that I had kidney cancer and soon the ghostly image of myself would become a reality. However I improved, and when I was told I was fine and certainly well enough to go home I was delighted. The pain persisted over that summer so my cancer doubts took months to fade. But it was my time in hospital where I had a weird sort of epiphany that I should continue with university, things could be a lot worse clearly, besides I had no backup plan and no job I wanted to dive straight in to.  

Coming out of hospital I had new lease of life, I found enjoyment in so many things that normally go unnoticed, the warmth of the sun, the simple beauty of green fields and blue sky and the sound of birds. I started running and cycling, worked every day I could and I met up with my friends and girlfriend at every opportunity I got. I prayed that things would stay so sweet and I did manage to sustain the optimism into the start of my second year. I arrived at our lovely new house and tried to continue being healthy and happy. I ate well, joined a gym, slept and woke up at regular times and attended almost every lecture and seminar, which was a huge improvement for me. Things were going well and carried on like this for a few months, and although the content of my course still wasn’t exactly lighting my fire I knew that I was getting enough enjoyment out of my life to carry on and get through it successfully. It was then that I was reminded that life could be cruel, not that it was clear how cruel it was being for quite a while, but it turned out that everything was about to change.

I was ten minutes into a lecture and a horrible sensation came over me, light headed, heart pounding, shaking and a feeling of incredibly intense sickness that started in the pit of my stomach and quickly grew, occupying my entire abdomen and then pushed up my throat as if I was going to throw up, I stood up, pushed past people to get to the isle and ran up the steps and out of the lecture doors straight to the toilet where, to my shock I wasn’t actually sick. Being sick has never bothered me at all, apologies for the details but I’ve made myself be sick before when it needed to be done. Confused, still feeling very sick, I stayed in the toilet until the lecture was over, and not wanting to make a scene walking back into the lecture, let alone possibly having to walk out again. Afterwards, my friend brought out my things for me, and I went home, deciding to miss the next lecture and get into bed as clearly I had some kind of bug. I can’t remember specifically what order it happened in, but this feeling of sickness or feelings similar began spreading to other aspects of my life, eating out, the gym, any shop I went to, the cinema, pubs. Everything. This happened over a period of a few months, firstly it occurred in all lectures and by January I practically gave up going, it wasn’t worth putting myself through, I wasn’t paying attention if I managed to stay in the lecture and every time it happened I just felt crap in every way for the rest of the day.

During this time I had another cancer scare, feeling generally unwell for weeks, I’d had a cough for months, I got easily out of breath, felt continually tired and a pain had developed in my shoulder. Rule number one of any illness should be to never search for your symptoms online but stupidly I did and everything I was experiencing seemed to correlate with lung cancer. I was a heavy smoker throughout my first year at uni but had quit shortly into second year so with this history I was only more convinced that once again I was on the path to the ghostly figure of myself I’ve long feared. I went to the doctors and he practically laughed at me when I asked if I may have lung cancer, a response that didn’t fully convince me but certainly made me realise I’m far too hasty to make assumptions. It was then he asked if I had any other issues with my health and I mentioned the sickness feeling I was experiencing in an ever increasing number of situations. It was then I was referred to a mental health professional, deep down I had already figured out this was what was going on with me. The wait to be seen was long as the waiting list to see any mental health worker in this country always seems to be. But to cut a long story short by the time my meeting with her came around I was already aware of what she was going to tell me, I have developed some quite severe form of anxiety and of course there is the depression alongside that. No offence to her but she wasn’t much help, she wasn’t trained for therapy and the waiting list for CBT on the NHS was at least 9 months. Apart from signing me up to an online course there wasn’t a lot that she could do for me, especially with second year only having a few months left.

I slipped back into my old ways, sleep didn’t come easily to me so my sleeping pattern was destroyed I didn’t eat particularly healthily and certainly not regularly. I don’t know if I’m alone in this way but I have an ability to completely hide what I’m going through from others, I could be lying in my room blankly staring at my TV with no hopes of achieving anything that day and then someone could walk into my room and I’d chat enthusiastically and laugh and smile, then they’d leave my room and my face would drop and I’d sink back down into my bed and hide from the world around me. The scary thing is I’m not sure if any of that laughter and smiling was ever real. Near the end of second year I was virtually incapable of eating out, could barely enter any kind of shop without walking out feeling sick, hadn’t been to a lecture or the gym in months or really done anything. There was a month without lectures (not that I was going) at the end of the year where things did improve a little, I forced myself to do a few things like join my friends at the pub and go into shops. I got my assignments done but unfortunately had an exam coming up, I hadn’t tried to get help from university for my problems which was stupid as I could’ve got deadline extensions and possibly a different style of exam. The night before my exam I felt as sick as I ever had and didn’t sleep for one second. Not a problem I’ve ever had before, people used to tell me I was way too relaxed about exams in previous years. I was seated at the very back of the exam hall which helped for some reason as I felt if I had to leave I could do so more inconspicuously. The exam was just an hour long and when writing I was slightly distracted from the feeling I was imminently about to throw up. When the exam was over I had a feeling of pride, I’d done it, if I could get through that surely I can conquer the feeling altogether in all aspects of my life.  

  A week later came the thing I’d been dreading the most, a week long field trip to the Czech Republic. Once again I didn’t sleep at all the night before but in the morning I felt a bit better, I was okay on the day of travelling which included long coach journeys, the airport and being on the plane itself, all things I had assumed would really be a problem for me, the night we arrived I even at some food in the hall with everyone else on my course. I couldn’t believe how well it was going, the next morning I ate breakfast in the hall again along with everyone else and almost felt excited for the next five days. Then we all had to sit and listen to a lecturer walk us through the details of the days excursions, five minutes in the feeling that I was going to be sick came out of nowhere and felt so incredibly real once again I couldn’t resist getting out of that room. Rather than walk you through all the details I can confirm that I didn’t stop feeling sick for a significant amount of time at all for the entire week. I assumed I must surely be genuinely ill; normally I could eventually get comfortable in situations to the point where I could just about manage. However, as soon as we got home and I had a meal in my own house I felt fine. That week in the Czech Republic my anxiety meant I missed out on all of the education each day and all of the fun in the evenings, I barely ate, barely slept and felt utterly miserable. I never knew that it was possible for anxiety to take hold of someone for an entire week, this sent me to the worst point my anxiety has ever been. I couldn’t do anything, I was going home for summer soon and hoped that wouldn’t be so bad as anxiety wasn’t something I associated with life at home but within days it was clear I was wrong. If I was in my girlfriend’s house and one of her parents came to stand in her bedroom door to have a chat I’d feel sick, feel trapped and helpless. We went into town to go shopping and I felt sick before we’d even left the house, I couldn’t go into the smallest shop without feeling sick. I couldn’t eat at my own dinner table if my parents had friends over.

This is what university has done to me, I’m not saying it’s fully universities fault as clearly this isn’t a problem faced by most students but certainly the whole university environment had something to do with it. In school and college I was never the most popular but I was always up for doing anything, especially if it was a laugh, I wasn’t afraid to make a fool of myself in front of people. I could make jokes in class and talk to anyone, go anywhere even if I knew nobody, now I can’t even go to a small and quiet pub with my friends.

As I said, I’m in my third year now, wishing I could go back in time and drop out half way through first year to potentially avoid any of this anxiety rubbish. I haven’t fully enjoyed anything I’ve done for almost an entire year now as I’ve either had a full on anxiety attack, mild panic feeling or I’ve at least had it nagging away in my mind, never letting me be free. It controlled me completely for a little while, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully free. I told my parents about my anxiety early during the summer, they were great and got me to go to a therapist and I made real improvement over the summer, I could go and eat in certain small places, go into shops and pubs and never feel fine but I could usually cope, as great as this is as I’ve missed it so much it’s so far from where I want to be. For the majority of the summer I was quite positive, getting to do things again was great and I got back into routines. I returned to uni in quite high spirits, after everything I’ve started to overcome maybe I can get through this year reasonably well. Lectures have been running almost 2 months and I’m afraid to say I haven’t attended a single one. I really did try, but I’ve never even got past the door. I’m just living with one other person, my best friend, who is very motivated for his course and spends much of his time on his work, I don’t blame him for this at all, it’s just a shame as it leaves me with many hours spent alone each day. I’m feeling very low, thankfully I’ve gained the strength not to hurt myself despite quite a strong longing to do so sometimes. But the scars on my wrist will be a constant reminder throughout my whole life that I didn’t always have this strength and that I do have the ability to hurt myself.  The main reason I refuse to do it again isn’t for me, it’s for others, hardly anyone has spotted my scars as I’m incredibly careful but those who have are more hurt by them than I ever was, and hurting other people only makes me feel worse about myself.

Why do I feel so bad about myself I’ve been asked? I’m spending £9,000 a year on uni fees to stay in my room and do nothing, I’ve received lots of help now and haven’t really made much important progress, so I’ve let the people who have tried helping me down, including my parents who paid for my therapy at home. I feel like somehow I brought all of this upon myself, it took me a while to figure out how, but during my therapy over summer I was subjected to some hypnotherapy where my counsellor tried to make contact with my subconscious thoughts, ultimately she was trying to figure out what caused all of this, when speaking to me there was supposed to be a voice in my head telling me the answers to her questions. No matter what she asked me or said to me all that little voice in my head ever said was “because you deserve this”. Why I subconsciously think I deserve to suffer in this way I’m not entirely sure but I assume it’s punishment for my mums cancer which I hold responsibility for and seeing as I don’t have cancer myself, despite my regular scares, this is the format of punishment I’m getting.

One of the most annoying parts about my anxiety is that I know I’m not going to be sick, of the dozens of times I’ve had the feeling I’ve never been sick, so people have said to me well if you know you’re not going to be sick what’s the problem? Well the problem is they’ll never understand quite how horrible the feeling is and the body and the brains instincts when you feel like you’re imminently about to throw up is to get out of there. Besides it’s not just the sickness, it’s the racing heartbeat, the sweating, the shivering, the light headedness and the ringing in my ears that make it all the more difficult.

Undoubtedly though what scares me most is the thought that I may never get the old me back. I don’t believe I’ll ever completely budge my depression, but right now I would do anything just to be free from my anxiety. When it was just depression I could go out and get some relief from it, escape from it even if just briefly and came in waves meaning there were times I was free. My anxiety hasn’t loosened its hold for one second since it became severe.

meme/tag game

tagged by: @wingslovesfiction rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people... but 20 feels like a lot tagging: I can never remember who actually enjoys these tag games.  I’m gonna try @sabath68 @mskatthestrange @capricorn-child @superfuckingextra @cheshirehuntergirl @invincibella @spangelbanger @krypter-krypter  If you like doing meme/tag games and I didn’t tag you let me know and I’ll try to remember to tag you going forward.

(I wrote these answers a few days ago, but this was the first time I was able to get to a computer.)

the last 1. drink: a barrel aged Martinez cocktail 2. phone call: a call for work 3. text message: Suggesting to my husband that my perfect my perfect Maui vacation might be "Eating fresh papaya & mango while listening to the nerd-sexy voice of Grover Gardener telling us cool shit." 4. song you listened to: Tthhee Ppaarrttyy by Justice (it's one of my writing themes for Stacy Chen from the Uncomfortable Adventures of Sam in Law School series).

5. time you cried: about 10 days ago.  My thyroid levels were off, which made one of my semiannual depressive periods manifest outwardly. 6. dated someone twice: I've been dating my husband for almost twelve years. 7. kissed someone and regretted it: never. 8. been cheated on: never. 9. lost someone special: my classmate & friend who is/was one of the main inspirations for Sam in UASLS. 10. been depressed: a week ago I got out of a roughly month long depressive period 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: a little over a year ago.  It was the most drunk I've ever been and since then I've been a one drink kinda girl.

3 favorite colors 12. Red 13. Purple 14. Black

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: no.  I've never fallen out of love with anyone, friend or lover, though I have practiced self-preservation through distance. 17. laughed until you cried: yes.  I laugh until I cry & snort at least once a week.  I keep humorous company and I love absurdity. 18. found out someone was talking about you: negatively?  no. 19. met someone who changed you: yes, at least I hope so. 20. found out who your friends are: I can't tell if this is a positive or negative.  I've had a lot of friends reaffirm themselves to me in the last year. 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: About three of them.

general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them except for my international gishwhes teammates and a spn fandom friend. 23. do you have any pets: not currently 24. do you want to change your name: no, I really like my name. 25. what did you do for your last birthday: I had a fucking final exam, then went out on a dinner date with my husband. 26. what time did you wake up: too early no matter the hour 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Playing the computer game Don't Starve Together with my husband. 28. name something you can’t wait for: In December I'll be done with 4.5 years of law school (taken in the evenings after work) and then in February I'll take the bar exam.  I'm super looking forward to having this long 5 years over with. 29. when was the last time you saw your mum: this morning 31. what are you listening to right now: Chamberlain's defense of Little Round Top in the movie Gettysburg (1993).  My husband & I are celebrating the anniversary of the battle with cocktails & the movie.  I'm a minor American Civil War buff. 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Not as far as I can remember. 33. something that is getting on your nerves: The current state of the world and also my health. 34. most visited website: AO3, Facebook, & Tumblr. 35. hair colour: My hair is naturally dark brown, but I dye it every 6-8 weeks.  It's currently platinum blonde/silver. 36. long or short hair: 100% short.  The shorter the better.  The only reason I didn't stick with a buzz was because I was a bit too androgynous for my husband.  (He's very understanding/supportive of me being genderqueer, but I try to accommodate his heterosexuality in this respect.) 37. do you have a crush on someone: Maybe?  I find a lot of my friends attractive because I'm attracted to personality, but that being said I'm completely in love with/devoted to my husband.  He's the Sam to my Job & Family Ruby. 38. what do you like about yourself: I used to prize my intelligence the most, but as I've grown older I think resilience might be more important.  I like that I generally exist in the intersection of positivity & pragmatism. 39. piercings: three piercings on my ears.  I'd like to get my septum pierced, but I can't for medical reasons. 40. blood type: AB+ 41. nickname:  Love (my husband & my pet names for each other) and Echidna (it a slant rhyme with a mispronunciation of my name). 42. relationship status: Married (for 5 years) 43. zodiac: Sagittarius & rabbit 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show:  Supernatural (big surprise) and Star Trek 46. tattoos: not yet, but I'm casually designing a tribute tattoo for my late mother-in-law 47. right or left handed: right. 48. surgery: Five so far. 1x full spinal fusion, 3x gastrointestinal (a three part non-laparoscopic colectomy), 1x sinus. 49. piercing: The question seems duplicative 50. sport: I'm not really prone to sports since my Graves Disease makes my pulse jumpy.  The closest thing is billiards (mostly pool).  My grandpa was great at it and took pride in turning his innocent little granddaughter into a shark.  I don't practice nearly enough anymore, but I used consistently pull off trick shots & combinations, and could run the table on good days. 51. vacation: I'm perfectly happy to spend my free time relaxing at home, but my next vacation is going to be New Orleans. 52. pair of trainers: I don't exercise, so I don't have trainers.  I mostly wear black combat style boots or sandals. 53. eating: Pickled deviled eggs, salt & vinegar chips, & sea salt caramel macarons. 54. drinking: I've been working on this so long I've now most recently had water. 55. i’m about to:  I'll probably work on the next four episodes of UASLS as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. 56. waiting for:  In two weeks I can redo my blood labs and find out how my new antithyroid meds are doing.  I'm particularly eager for this because the new meds can cause a whole host of serious problems and I want to make sure my liver, platelets, white blood cell count are all holding steady.  I feel like a hypochondriac every time I sit in yellow light, bruise, or cough nowadays. 57. want: To have a kid when I finish school, but that's a whole long messy situation with my health problems. 58. get married: I already am. 59. career: I'd like to be a transactional attorney for a municipality by day and write in my spare time. 60. hugs or kisses: A kiss for passion, an embrace for love. 61. lips or eyes: Eyes tell more than lips ever could. 62. shorter or taller: I'm somewhere between short & average and I have no physical preference for partners. 63. older or younger: I don't understand the question, but I don't have opinions on age anyway. 64. nice arms or nice stomach: No physical preference for partners. 65. hook up or relationship: Relationship. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: I don't like trouble.

have you ever 67. kissed a stranger: No. 68. drank hard liquor: Yes, moutai & aquavit are my go to hard liquors. 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: No. 70. turned someone down: Romantically?  No, but I've only been asked out by three people. 71. sex on the first date: No. 72. broken someone’s heart: I broke up with both of my previous boyfriends.  I'm still good friends with one. 73. had your heart broken: My heart broke a little bit when I broke up with my first boyfriend.  No regrets though. 74. been arrested: No. 75. cried when someone died: Every time. 76. fallen for a friend: Ever time I've fallen.

do you believe in 77. yourself: Yes, despite the whispers of doubt & depression- but I know the sound of their voices from my own. 78. miracles: Not in some metaphysical sense, but I believe in improbable occurrences. 79. love at first sight: No. 80. santa claus: Not even as a child. 81. kiss on the first date: Whatever floats your boat. 82. angels: I don't believe in supernatural or metaphysical things.

other 83. current best friend’s name: I'm not posting my husband's name, but I assure you both of our names would fit in some regency era romantic novel. 84. eye color: blue/green/grey 85. favorite movie: too many to choose from: Hero, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Snatch, Shadow of a Doubt, For a Few Dollars More, Infernal Affairs

(PotDA 11) The Professional Patient

   It has been a year since my upper teeth were ripped out. While some of the updates to my life are good, there are plenty more issues that rise up. Specifically in how much I feel I need to do before and while I continue to try and get my teeth removed. Though, at this point, it is bringing myself to actually make the appointment. The machismo from the adrenaline has worn off, and I find myself terrified of another go. While the pain was not spread over a weak like the torment I am used to, the agony of the removal of my teeth sticks with me. While I can take comfort in it as inspiration for horror plots and ponderings that hopefully will become the horror stories to define my legacy one day, but the terror of another go holds me back. Like it did in writing this.  

   I suppose, at this point, you could clearly call my focus on the health care system a bit of an obsession. Though, I personally do not know how I should otherwise approach a situation as I have experienced. The years go by, and still, I have more to write and ramble about. Still, I have more that makes my mind throb with conflicting emotions of manic outrage and debilitating depression. All the while the buzz of anxiety add to the haze, while the ADHD warps me completely. Fuels the fire of the rest by being the name for a peculiarity in my mind I had since I was born, I’d imagine, as I was diagnosed with it at the age of 5. However, I’ll get to the bumblefuck that was my ADHD treatment (or lack thereof for the past decade) in the next ramble. This one is to bridge the gap I mentioned in the last one.

   As a brief recap, on March 23, 2018, I went in to have all of my teeth removed. This was required as a lifetime of one of my disease’s flare-ups mixed with a decade (around 16-20 to a week ago. More on that later.) of the issues of suddenly taken off medicine for your ADHD and forced to stay off it no matter how many damn doctors/shrinks/pill-shrinks you see explaining your symptoms causing the stress to increase and the flare-ups to become more frequent. The constant vomiting exacerbated an issue a sugary diet may have caused and utterly demolished my teeth little by little. However, thanks to complications from how infected these teeth had become (having been unable to do anything due to co-pay costs, then not having insurance, then Medicaid being a headache to find anyone to be able to get it fixed) which lead to a few hours of pulling, waiting, pulling, blah blah… I was referred to an oral surgeon.

   Which is where the Health Insurance Shenanigans begins. I am quite familiar with these shenanigans, as they have been happening since I started. You see, the many different Nevada Medicaid healthcare providers who have insured me will have a list of the different doctors that will take your insurance. It sometimes might even claim to be able to tell you if they accept patients. This would be highly convenient if it did as it said. Instead, whenever I wanted to find a doctor, I would have to go down the list and call them one at a time. The moment Medicaid is mentioned, their tone sours ever so slightly. They tell you that, regardless of what the list on my provider’s own list says, they do not take Medicaid. The other constant was that if they DID, they were full on patients. If the did and they had openings, it is months down the line. When you need to find multiple specialists to deal with multiple issues caused by the same illness, this gets highly agitating. Frustrating as the ones I believed I could complain to like to assure me they understand it as. Why I do not believe them is they also seem surprised at how FUCKING PISSED OFF fucking up my health makes me.

   Remember these shenanigans, I will be bringing them up often.

   On March 6th, 2018 I received a letter from the allergist, who had been (poorly) helping me with my HAE care, that my care with them has suddenly been terminated. Now, I had only a few months prior FINALLY received from this doctor a pair of highly useful medications. In between the belittling, lecturing, and talking down to I got more than treatment, I finally was prescribed HAEGARDA and FIRAZYR. The first being a medication I WAS taking twice a week. It was rather painful for 15 minutes upon injection, but that cleared up quickly. The other was to be used in the event of swelling, injected like an Epipen (WHICH IT GOD DAMN ISN’T) might be at the moment of attack. With these two medicines, I had been comfortable enough to make my appointment with the dentist in the first place, which after a few appointments before I received the letter had been set for March 23rd.

   Suddenly I received that letter, which was soon followed by the provider of the two medicines telling me my YEAR LONG PRESCRIPTIONS with them had suddenly been pulled. Something they were confused about, MUCH LIKE IS WAS. Upon calling my allergist’s office, I learned that the reason had been APPARENTLY I wasn’t taking it. Which is confusing, as I had been, and had only missed the one appointment before the letter thanks to the INFECTION IN MY GUMS I NEEDED REMOVED along with all the other damn issues I was having and trying to mix making me have troubles sleeping and making an early morning appointment. Something that I apparently need to suck up.

   This reasoning SHOULD have been easily refuted by the constant deliveries of the medicine TO MY DOOR. The nurse that had come and taught me to use these medicines, THEIR APPROVAL THAT I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. As well me having sharps container with plenty of the injection needles I used. They did not wish for any of this, and after angry demands given I HAD A SURGERY APPOINTMENT for my teeth which has a DAMN HISTORY of causing swelling of the throat. So they extended it for 30 days, a bridge period, after constant calls that now just sit in my head like an angry flurry. Mixing them up, but the point is I had to FIGHT to make sure I  had enough of the medicine for my blood disease so I could go through the dental procedure with the lost chance of a POSSIBLY FATAL flare-up. Fun.

   So, once I was healed up after the dental appointment so I could start calling and get the bottoms removed… The Healthcare Shuffle appeared! This is when  I tried to call the Oral Surgeon I was referred to, they said they never received it. I call the Dentist who sent it and they said they sent it to my insurance. I call my insurance and they first said they haven’t received it. Later say they do and sent it but the Oral Surgeon never got it. WHILE all this was happening, a far more problematic issue arose. Keep in mind, this is all happening as I am still getting over the fact I now have these annoying dentures that I am STILL angry over.

   The medicine ran out. So, of course, I had to find someone new to prescribe me it. This had the issue of me needing to FIND someone who would do this. The Primary Care Physician that I had was uncertain himself and kept telling me he knew nothing about the disease. After explaining, he referred me to a Hematologist and Allergist… IN VEGAS. (This is 8 hours away from me on a good day or requires an hour and a half plane trip for something I likely need to do multiple times. I live in a city, not a small town. That has MANY ALLERGISTS AND HEMATOLOGISTS.)

   Annoyed by this, and after Medicaid Shenanigans, I eventually got an Allergist and a Hematologist referral. Upon calling the Hematologist, they refused! I was highly confused, as they kept repeating that I should go to an allergist. They don’t treat allergies. Hereditary Angioedema is a blood disease. NOT an allergy. Apparently, nothing can be done and I have still yet to see a hematologist. Joy. The reason? Even though I explained extensively this was a genetic blood disease and the symptoms only could be COMPARED to an allergy to stress. IT DOES NOT REACT TO ALLERGY MEDS. An epipen makes the area I inject just swell up yet give me the energy for my skeleton to feel like it wants to run around the block without the rest of me.

So, not surprising, this caused a lot of issues with swelling. Inevitably, I had an episode involving my gastrointestinal system. This time, it was bad enough I couldn’t seem to use medical marijuana to cover the symptoms until I was well and had water in me. So one Ambulance ride later I am in a hospital bed… Oh, wait, no, I am at the front desk of the emergency room waiting for a bed for a bit. Until I puke enough to be a disturbance. However it still takes quite a while before I get the main thing I want and have been kept from thanks to my body violently puking it up. I wanted an IV with something to hydrate me. The drugs could wait untiul the doctor, but as time went by and it felt like an eternity, I kept being told by all the people checking on me that I had to wait for a doctor to get my damn liquid.

All the while my fiance and my father are both helping explain that this was, without any doubt, an attack from my blood disease. It was an hereditary angioedema attack, blah blah… My discharge papers (useful in tracking my disorder and proving problems.) instead say it is some ‘unspecified vomiting type’ instead of maybe ‘blood disease triggered vomiting’ or ‘HAE triggered vomiting’, ‘genetic disorder triggered vomiting’. Think you get the point, more something that proved the medical staff were actually listening to my concerns. Attempts to fix this so I had proof with disability was met with them saying once that is written down it is permanent.

Then, five months later, it happened again.

   Luckily, the Allergist I eventually found turned out to actually have heard and seen a couple others who had this disorder. He knew of medicines and, instead of feeling like I needed to teach my doctors… I was given hope! I was given a vial of Firazyr. He said it was extending an olive branch, and I feel this will be what I remember when I try to think of the emotions needed to write a scene similar. I have never felt hope like I have then. Hope that likes to come and go, but at least I have one doctor at-bat for me.

Until a couple of months ago as of March 20th, 2019, I FINALLY was put on a new medication. Tahkzyro which I take twice a month. HOWEVER, I am still getting push back when it comes to getting the Firazyr, which would help me with my anxiety over the next surgery to remove my bottoms. Which, now that I have Tahkzyro, I once more have to take on HealthCare shenanigans to try and figure out who gets the god damned honor of removing my teeth. As the ones I was referred to HAVE the damn referral… But they don’t take Medicaid. SEEMS THE INFECTION IN MY BOTTOM TEETH GETS TO STAY! Just get to keep draining that thing myself. GUESS WE ARE FRIENDS FOREVER, ME AND THIS INFECTED TOOTH! Though it is crumbling away like the rest. It is down to the gums now. Though, I would like the Firazyr so I can inject myself IMMEDIATELY upon noticing my throat swelling. Never been asphyxiated but something tells me it ISN’T ALL THE FUN AN END! Especially at twenty fucking eight. So you can see my troubles. That doctor is still great, and makes a good point, I just think I need to make myself a bit clearer.

The years feel like they become less and less about me finding my place in this world, healing, and learning but instead more and more about me working as quality control for a broken system with no desire to fix itself. With every passing event involving them, I feel less like a patient and more like the data point I clearly am. With articles full of professionals professionally talking about diseases and medicines without much mention or care for the patients. The ones who that was made for.

For patients like me to heal. Not for people to make money. That is a side-effect of the job they signed up for. To fucking CARE for your goddamn patients. Not be coerced into giving meds left and right (or taking them away as a debate on whether or not ADHD FUCKING EXISTS goes on) or whether you believe the name given to the collection of symptoms I show. My disorders are not Cryptids. I have blood tests, medical papers, and diagnoses. Not blurry pictures of my blood viewed through a slide where fragments of the disease are seen peeking over their shoulder as they rush into a forest of red blood cells.

My particular disorders that I had since birth (ADHD and HAE) were caused by my body’s INABILITY to produce something. So if someone who CAN produce it takes it (least in the sense of ADHD as I doubt anyone else will benefit from a c1-inhibitor. No more than insulin if they aren’t in need of it like a diabetic) then of COURSE something different will happen. Of course, they might get high. That is not my fault as the patient it was made for.

As the point I am trying to make is that I do not feel I have been treated as a patient, I feel I am given more paperwork and calls than a cubicle worker. I feel I have to study more about the laws and practices to keep myself from being further burned. In between the Madness. The Pain. The Suffering that ALL OF THIS has inflicted on me. In between the new disorders this has caused me, particularly my obsession.

All I can think of is how to fix this. How I keep seeing articles, posts, and websites full of cries for help at a broken system. Of people fucked over, lacking their medicine, and the only ones getting the fucking attention are the dipshits who thought that taking someone else’s necessity would be a good way to get high. A good way to ‘focus’. To ‘relax’. While you use that as a fucking excuse to let people like me suffer, and further excuse it by brushing us into a group of people who just ‘slipped through the cracks’.

This obsession has grown now. Especially from the subject of the next article, ADHD meds from the perspective of someone who was one them from the age of 5, had them taken somewhere between the ages of 16 and 20 (my memory is incredibly hazy in this period thanks to the damn medicine being taken away) and getting only mild relief from marijuana replenishing my Dopamine… But that isn’t all Marijuana does nor all ADHD needs. I FINALLY am being treated, though it is just beginning. Still need to find MY medicine. It only took a decade for them to admit they were screwing with me. The lengths of my rage, again, is the subject of the next article.

This one was about how this madness turned me into someone who believes his job is to be a Professional Patient. Being talked into long commutes, long waits waiting for a doctor who will drop you for being late when they are constantly 45 to an hour late. Constantly filling out paperwork and debating about the fact my problems EXIST. Being treated as too young to be suffering. To the point, I don’t know what else to do. When you are too fucked up to work, explained in an earlier article, too fucked around for college, and the only thing you can apparently do is smash your rage against a keyboard and hope spreading your story around for no one to read will get something done.

If not? Then no matter what happens. If I die from malpractice or my disease, if I am killed, if I am silenced. My words on how this bullshit has made me feel will be, hopefully, somewhere.

The internet is notorious for being difficult to clean thoroughly, after all. If you do a little light digital legwork with the intention of being annoying as all hell. Especially since I got denied for disability again. Next time, I have to go to federal court apparently. JOLLY GEE GOODIE.

Film Diary 2017: January

Now that my 2016 film diary is FINALLY published, I wanted to try something different with my 2017 version. With this blog now up, I wanted to post this year’s entries in monthly installments as opposed to one massive list. Since it won’t be a single post I wanted to do something I wish I had done more with my 2016 list, which is detail my thoughts a bit more on the entries involved. Some admittedly may warrant their own separate post because I feel so passionately about said film, but at least a monthly breakdown now will allow for a more detailed film diary going forward.

If you’d like to see them as the year progresses, however, each installment will be given the tag “Film Diary 2017” so feel free to follow along!

That being said, here is the list of films I saw in the month of January 2017 - including how each feature was primarily seen and an asterisk which denotes that viewing was the first time I’ve seen that movie in its entirety, despite possibly having seen pieces of the film previously or having a general knowledge of it. All reactions are strictly MY OPINION:

January 4th: 1) Into The Woods* - DVD (Rental - Library); As a fan of movie musicals, I have to admit this one kind of disappointed me. I really like the other fellow Sondheim adaptation of Sweeney Todd, but this one fell flat in my eyes because it doesn’t quite take advantage of its capabilities. Though it does revamp the stage version with some solid visuals and an impressive cast, it’s in the third act where there are multiple scenes that don’t quite take the liberty of being transformed, ultimately feeling like they’re more or less the carbon copy from the original and don’t expand given that they have the capability to. Not to mention, the cast at times feels so large and we spend time jumping around between all of them, it doesn’t really allow us the time to grow overwhelmingly connected to some of the characters.

2) I Am Big Bird: The Carol Spinney Story* - Streaming (Amazon Prime); Not the best documentary I’ve seen, but still an interesting and emotional one. Worth a look.

3) Edward Scissorhands* - DVD (Rental - Library); Yes, yes – it’s my first time seeing this and to be quite honest it’s not my favorite Burton movie. Knocking it off my film lover’s bucket list, it was good! Funnier than I thought it would be; an intriguing story with plenty of fun elements. But at the same time, it certainly doesn’t knock Beetlejuice off its top spot in my eyes.

January 9th: 4) Scouts Guide To the Zombie Apocalypse - Streaming (Amazon Prime); While the opening scene set up a Zombieland-like tone and actually had me excited for a bit, this flick crosses a point midway through where it never quite exceeds its B-movie status. Mindless fun, entertaining but nothing over the top to gush over. It may surprise some out there; still, just an ok watch.

January 12th: 5) Alice Through The Looking Glass* - Streaming (Netflix); Having enjoyed the odd tone I’ve come to expect from Alice in Wonderland, the live action remake from 2010 lands in a solid spot for me. This sequel, however? Well it depends on your suspension of disbelief as the movie goes on. Alice as a ship captain? Actually cool. Time travel? …sure, why not. It elevates the supporting character of the Hatter and admittedly adds some backstory to it all. The play on whether or not Alice truly has been imagining this or not in the real world is an intriguing piece for the few minutes it’s presented, but that’s never quite driven home as we’re whisked away more in the Wonderland journey and everything is wrapped up in an all too neat bow. At the very least, its heart is in the right place and the moral undertones drive home. At the same time, it’s an additional voyage that perhaps didn’t need to set sail.

January 13th: 6) Dr. Strangelove* - Blu-Ray; In this….let’s say INTERESTING…political climate, there certainly have been a number of media entries listed by people to reflect the present day events. If anything, this classic satire has something for everyone to love. Peter Sellers is fantastic in multiple roles, the scenes range from tense to intriguing, and if you’ve never become acquainted with the work of George C. Scott then this is the perfect introductory. While not my favorite classic feature from decades passed, it’s one that has stood the test of time for good reasons.

January 14th: 7) Big Trouble in Little China* - Streaming (Netflix); I think i finally understand the obsession with Jack Burton. Besides being a total badass, Jack was easily the most relatable in all of BTILC as he is more the audience perspective than anything else. Like us, Jack is swept away in something way larger than he may understand and at times it can be confusing as the story grows to ridiculous size. While a cult classic, I’ll admit BTILC didn’t really grab me. Perhaps it’s one of those films you need to check out in your age of development to have a love for, but really I’ll pass. I adored Jack, but the rest was a crazy visually-strong jumble that I’m glad I at least crossed off my list.

January 15th: 8) Patriots Day* - Theater; Maybe it’s because I’m from New England, but man was this an emotional rollercoaster. While you’ll know the story pretty well given how closely followed this tragic story was when it happened years ago, Patriots Day does a great job of taking that and adding the real world heart, perspectives and details beyond whatever CNN could give you. With visually memorable scenes and strong performances filled throughout, definitely give Patriots Day a watch when you can.

9) Short Term 12* - Streaming (Netflix); I put off seeing this indie for years and after the credits started rolling I was kicking myself for not doing so sooner. It’s rare when I have the urge to see a movie again after having just seen it, but my god Short Term 12 was one of those exceptions. An emotional character driven story revolving around themes of depression, abuse, trying to embrace love in spite of it all, mixed with surprises, genuinely funny moments, heartstring pulling sequences and all pulled together with an outstanding performance by Brie Larson, I absolutely loved it all.

10) Pocahontas - Blu-Ray; It had been awhile since I’ve seen this Disney animated film that has always felt middle tier for me. And rewatching it as an adult, yeah I can see why. There are some plot devices that don’t make sense while the romance is really what needs to be embraced regardless of the shortcomings. Visually stunning, but further cemented as not in my top five favorite Disney films.

January 16th: 11) Hardcore Henry* - DVD (Rental - Library); I went in expecting a fun mindless action movie that played like a videogame and that’s exactly what I received. Sure the plot is a little convoluted. Sure the ending is rather abrupt. But man if Sharlto Copley doesn’t steal the entire show. As questions build up about his character, it all pays off in a fantastic scene that just further drives home the comedic elements of the movie. If you can deal with the videogame campaign first-person POV of it all, give it a chance.

January 18th: 12) Little Sister* - Streaming (Netflix); My least favorite entry this month. An indie flick on Netflix that’s a gothic….let’s go with dark comedy? Though I’d say more family drama. The concept sounded interesting, but I kinda walked away from this one bummed out.

January 20th: 13) The Hustler* - Streaming (Netflix); Turning it back to the black and white classics, The Hustler skyrocketed up my list and landed firmly in a top spot of one of my favorite old movies. Paul Newman is charming as ever while the action is so incredibly tense in the best way. While the movie is a bit long and may drag in the middle, George C. Scott once again emerges with an interesting supporting role and has compelled me within two movies to further explore his filmography.

January 21st: 14) The Color of Money* - Streaming (HBO GO); Well if you watch the aforementioned original, you HAVE to see the sequel the next day, right? What I thought was going to be a shift where Newman plays the supporting character turned into a different sort of film where he’s actually the main character yet again. Not nearly as good as its predecessor, it’s a worthwhile expansion of the themes from the first film.

January 25th: 15) Ghost in the Shell* - Blu-Ray; An inspirational anime feature to many creators, this isn’t exactly my first exposure to the franchise (I caught some of the Arise chapter when it was broken up across Netflix, and Stand Alone Complex was around when I was younger). While it wasn’t my favorite film of the genre, it was certainly intriguing to watch. I wanted to experience the original in all its influential glory before the U.S. remake with Scarlett Johansson came along and I’m glad I did.

January 27th: 16) Star Trek Beyond* - Blu-Ray; The second film in the rebooted Star Trek franchise, Into Darkness, left me quite disappointed upon its release because besides the super obvious Khan concealment prior to release, the story to me just felt like a bunch of event sequences loosely strung together. Here, the heart and character is thrust back into the plot while additionally feeling a bit like a traditional Star Trek episode as a majority of the action takes place on a single planet. Even though the opening box office didn’t sound too confident, I’m glad there are plans in motion for another Star Trek film because I felt this was a great course correction that stands strong next to the 2009 reboot.

17) Trainspotting* - Streaming (Netflix); Another film I put off for awhile, its impending removal from Netflix quickly moved this one up the list. And yes, i finally understand the praise. There’s something so simple and yet so interesting about it all. A character driven look at addiction, told in a visually impressive package of comedy, tragedy, heartbreak and growing up.

January 28th: 18) There Will Be Blood* - Streaming (Netflix); Yet another viewing influenced by an impending Netflix departure, I was swept away the second Daniel Day Lewis began to deliver his lines as Daniel Plainview. As the man of science vs. man of faith story moves along the tracks, there are so many layers in this film to attach yourself to and love at least some aspect of. The greed, the wealth, the confrontation, the father and son tale, the flexing of ego and so much more. I finally understand not only why people have praised this film for a decade but why it’s remained in conversation for all that time as well.

January 29th: 19) Don’t Breathe* - Streaming (Flixster); One of the many acclaimed horror films from 2016, thankfully I finally had the chance to see this one after picking it up via a short-lived Blu-Ray sale on Amazon. Not nearly as gory as Fede Alvarez’s previous directorial effort in the Evil Dead remake, Alvarez does a great job of establishing a closed space (which I’ve always been a fan of in others such as Die Hard or 10 Cloverfield Lane) and unleashing a number of anxious possibilities that continue to surprise. Relying on an incredibly small cast, the performances count just as much despite not even our protagonists being morally virtuous along with a few secrets up its sleeves.

January 30th: 20) Blair Witch (2016)* - Blu-Ray; Extended thoughts here, but long story short – I don’t believe this one deserved as much hate as it received.

21) No Country for Old Men* - Streaming (Netflix); My final film of the month actually came as a welcome surprise for me. When it comes to Coen Brothers films, I am that rare outcast who kind of feels disappointed because I don’t feel most live up to the hype (well, except for Fargo at least). Thankfully, NCFOM lands on the positive side of my personal preference as it’s a visually incredible movie alongside a story that expands into an edge of your seat showdown the more it goes on. Admittedly, I had to rewatch the third act to really fathom the message driven home as things shift in order to relay a central message and subvert expectations. But at the same time, it’s a bold approach that never takes away from the other two acts while allowing you to sit & think afterwards about what transpired and what is stated.

Furthermore, Best Picture winner No Country for Old Men has prematurely kicked off a successful string of films in February’s 2017 listing that have all been nominated and/or won Academy Awards. But more on that later…

What movies did you see in January 2017? Are there any movies you’d highly recommend that I should add to my watchlist? Feel free to drop me an ask or a reply!