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#want to make it VERY CLEAR i dont think theres anything wrong or bad about drawing someone pre-transition!!

spacexseven · 2 years

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tuna you have nooo idea how many ideas i have about yans falling for their doctors but i will give u something simple: port mafia; ie: chuuya, akutagawa, pm dazai, etc. x good-natured hospital doctor. one day theres a major clamor about how someone turned up outside the hospital with grievous injuries. at first its all hands on deck to help them, but eventually someone figures out that theyre mafia and everyone jumps ship. darling’s colleagues try to persuade them away from the dying mafioso, telling them how getting involved with the mafia in ANY way will turn out bad for them and to just leave them to their fate, but darling keeps to their oath and decides to take over their care.

its tiring work, working round the clock alone to keep this bastard alive, but it’ll all be worth it in the end, right? wrong. yan’s FIRST order of business when waking up and finding themselves in a hospital is to flip out. threats, attacks, the whole shebang. big tantrum. eventually darling reasons with them that theyre far too injured to go anywhere for the time being without like. dying. (this wouldnt work on dazai that well lol) and if they wanted to turn them in or kill them they wouldve done it like 2 days ago. they even agree to submit to the mafia’s retaliation if they find their care insufficient. their patient agrees, albeit very angrily, and darling sets off on the worlds most thankless job.

any of these fuckers will give darling a run for their money. dazai would spend a lot of time trying to intimidate them into letting him out early or goad them into killing him, stealing things to hurt himself with, harassing the nurses, faking symptoms, anything he can think of to make their life harder. chuuya is just NASTY, nothing to say to the person Saving His Life besides threats and insults. can never leave a check up on akutagawa without at least one bruise. so on and so forth. no support from colleagues either, darlings decision to Do Their Job making them a pariah. even so, they offer their testy patient their care and kindness without falter. as soon as theyre well enough to get up and walk out, thats exactly what they do, and darling would be lying if they said they werent glad to wash their hands of the whole thing. they’re, of course, back the next week with a new injury that they INSIST that DARLING SPECIFICALLY must look at and suddenly acting like they’re besties. darling lets them, of course, even as the injuries they come in with are more and more ridiculous, all the while trying to gently steer them away from ever coming back before they get them arrested.

well, if you didnt want them hanging around you maybe you shouldnt have been so sweet. are they supposed to forget about you holding their hand through shockwaves of pain? your soothing voice? the way you stayed up all night to watch over them while they slept? do you think they get THAT at the mafia infirmary? say, why dont you come and work there! they see how your colleagues spurn you, how ungrateful your other patients are for you. doctors are VERY highly regarded among the mafia, itd be a great fit for you! itd also let them personally make it up to you for being so awful before. win-win, right?

- 🩹

i am terribly sorry about how long it took for me to answer this 😭😭😭 i did consider a similar idea but w/ darling doing the underground doctor job for extra money (we need to start raising funds for darling) as well if you're interested!!

im gonna use dazai as a placeholder for this if u want one w chuuya and aku lmk :>

cw: yandere characters, obsessive behavior, jealousy, obsession, injuries, harassment, taking advantage, implied coercion.

injuries aren't uncommon in this line of work, and bleeding out with a terrifyingly gaping wound is not a new sight for port mafioso. usually, though, mori already arranges for other people to come in and take care of the injured, and they steer clear of hospitals and clinics. it's not smart to get civilian doctors involved in this.

usually, things go as planned.

today, it didn't. dazai's subordinates were strewn somewhere else, leaving him wounded and isolated. to make things worse, he was positioned awkwardly close to a busy street. he should have anticipated that the enemy would have some other trick up their sleeve. now what? was he going to die here, like a disgraced dog? he would prefer something less painful and embarrassing, but beggars couldn't be choosers...

maybe he should have accepted mori's offer of even more backup.

he couldn't reach for his phone, and even if it didn't hurt so bad and he could get it, his fingers were trembling so much that he knew he couldn't type out anything. god, how pathetic. death was death. he couldn't be too picky about it, could he? he would welcome the end.

to his surprise, he woke up.

he was sure he was in a hospital. the plain walls, the simple bed. the papers nearby and the person in a white coat gave it away. this was bad news, terrible news. he wasn't supposed to go to any hospitals or clinics unless mori said so, and now he was here, getting treated by any regular civilian doctor.

obviously, dazai decides the best course of action is to kick up a fuss. they wouldn't hold him here against his will, right? he screams and kicks and threatens everyone until he's exhausted and the staff is ready to throw him out themselves, but you stop them. he recognizes you as the person in his room when he woke up, and watches as you defend his behavior by telling everyone how confused and frightened he would have been after waking up with no recollection of what happened in between. confused, frightened? he was mortified by your choice of words, and worse yet, it was working. everyone backed down, turned their backs and went on with their day.

and you have the audacity to turn back and smile at him like you hadn't just embarrassed him, telling him that it was expected he would have reacted so negatively, promising to help make sure his stay was as comfortable as possible. what stay? he wants to get out, but when he voiced this demand with a hoarse throat, you look more shocked and rush off to get him something for his voice instead. you sit down beside him with a hand on his and carefully explain why he has to stay and why it's important he works with you for a speedy recovery. you ask him for who you should contact since he didn't seem to have any existing identity, but he only turns away and tells you he wants to leave.

he does this for as long as he's hospitalized, complaining about everything, reminding you he doesn't have cash and that killing him would be your best course of action, since he couldn't afford the bill anyway. he tries to run away and pull off stupid stunts, but nothing works. it's infuriating how calm you are about everything. you leave and go back to your usual routine, stopping by to check up on him occasionally. the other staff, however, look terrified of him, and he relishes in the trembling hands and rushed exits. during one of their visits to sort out his room, dazai pretends to sleep so they can actually get things done without fearing he will kick them all out the window, and overhears a particularly interesting conversation.

he learns that you were the one who insisted they treat him despite everyone else noticing the signs that he was probably part of some underground organization. some determined line about how it's your job and you need to help everyone regardless of personal feelings. he thinks it's all bullshit, but your determination...is kind of cute. it's only a matter of time before you end up as soulless and exhausted as everyone else in the city, though.

then the long awaited day comes, and you announce that he can leave. he doesn't care to ask for a bill or thank you, running out and disappearing to talk to mori again, but he would be lying if he said he didn't think about you even after that day. for some reason, something about you really stuck with him. it might have had something to do with your relentless insistence to help, your unwavering patience, your calm conduct, or maybe your...voice. your sympathetic tone, your firm hold...your presence.

a week later, dazai shows up to your workplace and demands he get his hand checked out. he whines until they drag you down and then he exaggerates his terrible condition, how important and urgent it was and how he needed to be kept inside the hospital for a few weeks at least this time. it's very serious, you know. you saw through his lie, but you don't bat an eyelid, immediately complying to his outrageous demands. he was a little happy that you hadn't changed. so despite how often he showed up, with a new but small injury, you took it in stride and treated him with all the concern and seriousness he expected. could you blame him if he liked to be fussed over like this?

what he didn't like was the knowledge that you treated all your patients like this. none of them deserved the same meticulous inspections, soothing touches, dedicated service, and warm smiles you gave. it wasn't fair that he came in all beaten up and you could only come in for a quick greeting before rushing out after another patient. and for what? your meager pay? well, if he could talk to mori and get you brought over as a personal doctor for some of the high-ranking members, you'd get paid well and you could be with him all the time while doing what you loved. it was the best of both worlds, wasn't it?

#yandere bsd #yandere x reader #yandere bungo stray dogs #yandere bungou stray dogs #yandere bungo stray dogs x reader #yandere bsd x reader #yandere bungou stray dogs x reader #yandere dazai x reader #yandere dazai #yandere dazai x reader #yandere dazai osamu #dazai x reader #dazai osamu x reader #doctor reader 🐟

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rasshu-benaio · 9 months

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Gyutaro’s Age (decent read share this if you agree plz. I don’t even want credit, just throw it everywhere )

Ive been looking around on tumblr to see if the legendary “Gyutaro is a minor” argument persists here too and it did a year back with little bit of people talking about it here and there. Ive seen many people say that he’s a minor without concrete evidence and instead its “he looks like…” or “daki is this so he has to be this…” similar to Tiktok. so im going to debunk and provide my own evidence that Gyutaro is not a minor. Because i feel slighted when i see others get bashed because of a mistranslation on VIZ’s part.

But i do not blame anyone for accidentally believing that Gyutaro is a minor because well… it was in the English Manga, so it had to be true! Right…? Im just here to defend my Gyutaro peeps thats been fighting out there.

MY PERSONAL VIEWS ON KNY DEMON AGES

Ultimately i do side with the demons do not age after they are turned even if there is evidence to contradict such a statement (unfortunately that is spoiler territory but most people know the reference). But since demons not aging could be referring towards demons not “deteriorating” like a normal humans i don’t have a firm stance so i don’t think bad about others who claim that a character’s actual age is their canonical demon age. Personally i switch between sides; demons don’t deteriorate nor do they mentally grow up after being turnt.

- overall, i do not care for demons that died as kids to be put in lewd situations like Daki or Rui (But i dont care for bashing anyone actively if i see it because its not really doing anything productive for me)

- But i do not like that Gyutaro fans or non Gyutaro fans will automatically label him as a minor because of a rumor started from a manga error. Just to turn around and then use the words “pedophile/cp/etc” to somehow justify your misguided hatred? those words are very serious claims and should never be loosely used. It devalues such claims making it harder for REAL ones to be identified and caught.

- I personally like to view Gyutaro as 20-23 despite his most consistent age being 26 due to his demon age (126). (Which is stated in the Japanese wiki/ the English Wiki is a blood bath between fans even if the admins believe Gyutaro is an adult)

- so i will support my claims by debunking the most prominent “gyutaro is a minor” arguments and then at the end i will add my own/ others evidence to support the Gyutaro is an adult claim

Argument 1: The one that started it all; The VIZ error

Every claim that states that “Gyutaro is a minor” derives from the english manga panel where Gyutaro says something akin to “when I was 13, and you stabbed that samurai” and it played out like Gyutaro was referring to himself as being 13 when he was turned into a demon that day BUT this was actually an error due to the fact that the original Japanese copy was actually written wrong. In the original Japanese copy, when gyutaro was referencing an age, he was referring to no one. From how it’s written, the view could believe either Ume was 13 or he was 13. (Or at least that was the vibe i had gotten from some native Japanese folks i talked to; one doesn’t even look at demon slayer as they said quote “how it was written was strange?”)

Viz Rendition (Do not blame VIZ; it happens every bluemoon, theres an actual list of their mistakes too)

The Original One (From what ive been told, its phrased weirdly and its confusing to translate effectively)

The Fan Edit (Fan edits are popular among the manga portion of anime fans so i wanted to clear up that this IS a fan edit that got popular)

So with that being left up in the air, most fans and non gyutaro fans had to wait until the anime came out and surely enough, the anime confirmed that Ume was the 13 he was referring to and not himself. So that nearly eradicated the most common “Gyutaro is 13” arguments by far (though some who have been misinformed still use that argument) But this still doesn’t confirm he’s an adult just yet as those same people who said he was 13, simply moved it up two years and said he was 15 so heres my next debunk

- And just to add because some kny fans did NOT realize that Gyutaro and Daki/Ume are NOT twins and Gyutaro is canonically the older brother.

The anime rendition (most anime do tend to clear up manga inconsistencies anyway)

Argument 2: the CURRENT META, Gyutaro is 15-16-17 claim.

After the “gyutaro is 13” claim was debunked completely, many people switched up their arguments and said he was 15 due to the age gap in kimetsu academy between him and his sister (16-18) a two year age gap. This one is easy to prove wrong but you would have to know how to process math and comparing skills which everyone SHOULD have; ill attempt to explain it to my best ability regardless. There are a few main points debunking this and its easy to see.

Reason One (KimAcademy ages don’t correlate): Using Gyutaro’s and Ume’s age gap is unreliable due to the fact that everyones ages would have to correlate aswell. Heres a few examples. Ume is canonically 13 but in the AU, she would be 16 to fit into the narrative. But since Gyutaro is 18, people claimed that he would be 15 in canon. Unfortunately that is not true because every character would need to correlate and be aged up 2 years which isnt true (IE: akaza stays the same).

And even if Akaza was the exception, other characters have differing ages like Yushiro, Murata, Kanea (if you buy into the when you die you dont age)

Reason two (Gyutaro was not two when Ume was born): With people saying he was 15 when he died also means that people are willingly to believe that he was only two when Ume was born. (If you believe that, skip forward where i bring logic into this and human development… plus a 2-4 year old taking care of and infant isn’t possible since people want to use realism here)

Reason three (The kimetsu Academy spinoff is a spin off that doesn’t effect canon): like many official spinoffs and alternate universes, these types of media don’t affect the actual canon. Like how all of the demons are reincarnated but the KnY series shows that a demon cant do that, only humans can. Plus, this AU is specifically school based so changing popular characters to fit a notion like that is common and SHOULDNT be cited as concrete proof. (I dont see people claiming that ume is 16 nor that yushiro is a middle schooler.)

- maybe if the official AU was modern themed only and not modern school themed then this claim could be effective but there are huge contradictions that using the AU cant be a realistic source

Argument 3: “he looks…” IE, you don’t understand Gyutaro’s character yet.

This is the MOST infuriating argument and it hurts to see Gyutaro fans use this because this is literally why he acts the way that he does! And this is also where my proof starts to appear because its based off of not Gyutaro’s appearance but Ume’s?! Back to the point, this argument is simple to debunk. When no one has any more proof they base his age off of his looks and there is SO much proof to debunk this that its crazy. I love it when people do this because i gottem in a lock hold and then they get mad.

Reason 1 (thats not a gyutaro exclusive thing, its an art style):

- Basing ages off of looks wont get you ANYWHERE with any demon slayer characters; its literally sounds like “but daki looks like an adult” claims. We know how unreliable looks are.

- better examples of characters looking a different age from their canon age (this is both anime and manga referenced): Yushiro, Daki, Genya, Nezuko (unfortunately her adult demon form causes issues), Shinobu, Sabito, Muzan, Akaza, and even tengen’s wives. These are just a handful of characters that people get confused by because of appearance. Its mainly because of the style that most characters are drawn in (Big forehead, big eyes in the middle point of the head) style which makes everyone look younger. Reading the manga, I even thought Akaza was really young when he died (im good now though)

Reason 2 (Gyutaro is built different)

- I see this argument where people pull up gyutaros flash back screenshots without realizing the key factor in it all. But at first, i didn’t get it either because he barely changes physically but guess who does; Ume shabana. If you pay attention at Gyutaro’s WHOLE flashback, you will see that there are a total of 3 freagin time skips!? I only noticed two but someone pointed out that theres another but its so small that no one bats an eye! Heres the shots in order but this comes with speculation about his exact age in each screenshot, so i will elaborate with logic, biology, and comparisons in the kny art style. The manga actually gives more proof for his age so ill parrot it in this section too.

The first stage ( This is way before ume was even conceived as this is the stage where Gyutaro was alone and was ultimately beaten by his mother in an attempt to kill him. He was unable to defend himself)

- he is the smallest in this scene and to use the “he looks” trend against everyone who uses that argument without thorough analysis; when comparing his body structure to similar structured characters in demon slayer, he resembles Tanjiro’s smallest brother who was 3. (Which immediately debunks the “Gyutaro is 15” completely at this point)

-this was also the stage where he did depend on his mother for food; and unfortunately he wasn’t provided much. He was just the “useless child that shouldn’t be alive”

- So the best age range for this scene and the context given in the manga as well; Gyutaro would be 3-5 years old since this was the stage where his mother beat on him the most

The second stage; the baby Ume era(this is a longer stretch of time since hes referring to it as such; the stage where he was learning how to survive, being picked on by others, and when ume was born etc)

- This was now the longer stretch of time where the manga has more context to help! And now we have a new character to help us understand visually! (And when my preordered book comes in, i will have better visuals too)

- firstly we can see that Gyutaro is older from the start now; hes taller with alittle more defined muscles, though his face is still softer so he isnt an adult here. It would be less likely at this stage anyway as he still lived under his mother and hasn’t been thrown out.

- he was now, becoming independent since he wasnt under the care of his mother completely, or lack there of. Now venturing to hunt for his food like raw snakes, mice and bugs (which isn’t healthy in the slightest)

- due to him not eating like a growing kid should, we already can tell he was malnourished and this will lead to his stunted growth in the next stage

- but before we move on, i HAVE to introduce the most vital piece of evidence; Infant Ume. using the information from the official kny manga; Gyutaro had the strength to fight back his mother when she tried to harm Ume which means hes not the helpless 3-5 year old we saw at first. And adding up everything else we have, we have a rough estimate of him being (10-15 years old) during Umes birth.

- and using the kny power scaling, it isnt too far fetched that Gyutaro could overpower his mother to keep Ume safe. Though he was jobless at this point so he hadn’t had practice to actually “fight” just yet

The last stage (The malnourished part that everyone seems to look past and somehow complete miss an obviously older Ume?)

- this is the ending stage were Gyutaro and Ume get turned into demons but heres the funny thing that tells me that people aren’t paying attention to their claims. So many people will use these pictures in conjunction with the one above claiming that Gyutaro is the same age in both when Ume grows exponentially!? Its hard to see because there isnt a clear difference in gyutaro himself but we can use Ume as the deciding factor!

- Comparing the lower photos with the upper ones, we can tell that gyutaro has aged up because of his facial structure is now defined instead of soft. His clothes are now new and not tattered, he is actually taller, and Ume is canonically “13” now.

- what does that mean? That means ume has aged 13 years since the last time skip, so gyutaro did too, making him over 18. The mother has died by now so Gyutaro is Umes sole provider other than herself and her line of work. Gyutaro has grown up to become strong enough to beat up other adults in the district like samurai and other strong “men”. He very well is an adult, maybe living on his own making ends meet for him and his sister since he has a canon job. Hes just so fragile looking because he never had enough nourishment to help him grow.

- so Gyutaro’s final age range when he becomes a demon is his mid twenties. Since adding 13 years shoots him past the “gyutaro is 18” claim that ive seen too.

- and before anyone compares his height to douma’s in the last scene. Douma is a behemoth and comparing a malnourished/growth stunted/hunched gyutaro to douma is unrealistic because even akaza(who is pretty healthy) would look up at that man. Gyutaro is actually around the samurai’s height; the one that burned Ume.

Last Arguments: these are the lesser claims ive seen, other takes and extras from other languages manga like Spanish and Japanese manga, sites, and blogs.

The one i use: Gyutaros and Ume’s demon ages were agreed in Japan but i cannot find any English translations. The preordered entertainment district book may contain additional information. Ume’s demon age is 113 and Gyutaro’s is 126 and knowing that Ume and Gyutaro were turned into demons the same day by douma we can infer that Gyutaro is 26. Its not a headcanon as so many claim it to be since its derived from a canonical source.

There is a newer rumor claiming Gyutaro to be 23 and people are citing a book that doesn’t have an English translation yet and i have yet to look into it. Its worth a mention if anyone has links or scans i can use. I am not shy of buying to see if its a real product.

There is an extra explanation for Gyutaro’s small and malnourished stature and that is congenital syphilis. (I will not go into detail but there are many parallels to this disease and Gyutaro’s human AND demon appearances but research at your own risk, pictures can be disturbing)

Ive seen people add on that Gyutaro and Ume are probably Half siblings (same mother different father) due to their mother being a p— in such a intimate career and area. Its less likely that they share the same father yet even know their real fathers (this was just a small thing i wanted to point out, it has nothing to do with the argument)

Gyutaro’s voice aids to his age as in his flash back you can distinctly hear his younger voice in the snowing scene compared to his cries when ume died. In my opinion, he doesnt have a really high nor a really low voice, similar to akaza or douma. But if he was a kid during the end of his flashback, he should’ve sounded like the snow scene where he was around 16-19 from how Ume is depicted.

Gyutaro does NOT act like a child compared to daki and even daki is a stretch. Gyutaro is extremely mature in his mindset but he is very hatred driven. He is very mature as he thinks more about the benefits for his little sister rather than himself. Hes going to be driven by jealousy so he will act selfish it’s mainly for Ume, plus selfishness is not a kid exclusive trait. When he doesnt get his way, he doesnt act out by whining and attempts to deduce a way out of his stressful situation. But he his pretty toxic as a man… toxic masculinity be damned

A thing that i didn’t realize but another pointed out; Gyutaro has no need to alter his demon appearance because hes not in a profession that needs him to, so why does he look so tall as a demon? They theorized that his demon appearance should be similar to how his body shouldve grown up to be like, like his kimetsu academy counterpart that isnt malnourished.

(So yeah, thats a good amount of what i could manage to fit on here, obviously theres more proof but im only limited to 10 photos so i couldn’t show everything i wanted to. This is my magnum opus i guess, so if you are dealing with anyone who claims that “gyutaro is a minor”, show them this, share it everywhere, i dont even WANT credit! I just want my fellow homies to be allowed to love an ugly ass man without some person saying “hes a minor”)

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strawglicks · 1 year

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thinking abt how every spamvil hater ive seen villainizes jevil and victimizes spamton to the moon and back. like their argument against spamvil is ALWAYS, without fail, "it would hurt spamton :(" and then they have nothing to say about jevil or talk abt how jevil would hurt him somehow.

First of all idk where this weirdass villainization of jevil is coming from. People seem to think hes this irredeemable soulless clown who feels nothing and doesnt care abt anyone. Meanwhile, ingame, he literally admits he is lonely and was close to Seam in the past. Yes he needs to learn how to be serious and has a cynical view of the world, but for some reason the fandom doesnt see him as a complex and flawed character. they just decide hes too far gone and would hurt anyone he has a relationship with, including spamton.

And then theres spamton, everyone's favorite innocent angel never did anything wrong bbg apparently!! The fandom doesnt treat spamton anything like they do Jevil. They actually want good things for him, a better future, and feel sorry for him. That's not a bad thing, I feel the same, but these same people will ignore all his flaws and how literally evil he was in the snowgrave route. Spamton is not a good person. I thought this was explicitly clear in the game, but apparently bc he has sad lore spoonfed to the audience this is ignored.

In regards to Jevil, Spamton is extremely bitter and jealous of him. The only things spamton himself has said about jevil is that he wishes to "surpass" him, and that he lost to jevil's games in the past. He even admits he cheated in many of these games. Spamton is not a trustworthy person. if you havent noticed his character is literally based on scam emails. Spamton is just jealous of Jevil's happiness despite the situation theyre both in, which is understandable in a way. Still, it doesnt mean spamton is in the right for being bitter and resentful. There's no real evidence Jevil has actively hurt spamton in any way, esp not on purpose. He literally just beat him at games and is way happier than he is and he's angry about it.

People consume all this shit at SURFACE LEVEL- reminder that this is an unfinished game MADE TO BE ANALYZED- and dont look any deeper into these very complex and interesting characters. All these spamvil haters assume Jevil is just irredeemable and too far gone and find spamtons backstory depressing but dont think about what these two NEED to heal from their experiences. Having gone through similar shit, they're really the only people who could understand each other to such an extent. They both need to let their guard down and listen to each other because they can offer each other a different point of view on a similar situation, which is what the both of them NEED more than anything. Yes it would take a lot of time; these are very flawed people. But you cant just. leave them where they are right now and expect either of them to heal completely on their own. Being alone is the LAST thing either of them needs. Jevil literally admits to being lonely and spamton ACTIVELY gets worse the longer he is alone. Yes he has trust issues, but he needs to be able to open up if he ever wants to get better.

Theres also the argument of "spamton is afraid of clowns" which isnt valid anyway because i just got done explaining how even if hes afraid of opening up and being close to people, spamton NEEDS it if he wants any chance at getting better. Sometimes you have to face your fears to make any progress. Plus spamton himself has never shown any sign of fearing jevil. He's only ever regarded him with bitterness and jealousy.

idk how to conclude this fuck you

#imagine consuming an UNFINISHED GAME at surface level #look deeper ffs #spamvil #spamvil analysis #spamton #jevil #deltarune #deltarune analysis

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vyladromeave · 10 months

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If MCD gets turned into a book I am almost certain the autism ghosts will possess me again and I’ll have to making a 5 hour long rant with a conspiracy style string chart on my wall

GOD mcd as a book genuinely makes me both so excited and terrified at the same time. I've had this ask sitting in my inbox for like a day now because idk entirely how to voice all the opinions i have about this. AT THE VERY LEAST: It's cool that Jess hasn't forgotten entirely about MCD, and while it sounds like the plans to continue myst are more clear/doable (its the same format she's always done, all it takes is for her to write a conclusion she feels satisfied with. which is definitely a large feat but it feels more in-reach than expanding on mcd right now), its cool that theres still an interest for MCD as well.

SORRY THIS POST IS ABOUT TO GET LONG TURNS OUT IM VERY MENTALLY ILL ABOUT THIS SERIES WHO COULDVE GUESSED. SORRY. HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO ESCAPE PLEASE TAKE IT NOW.

CONTINUING: MCD continuation sounds like it is not in reach right now, and not entirely a priority either. It's not even in pre-production yet, it sounds like she hasn't even decided on a format to release it as, which means relatively zero work has gone into making that yet. (Beyond the guideline that has already been written for it in the form of the existing MCD story that we know and are familiar with.) We don't even know if it would be a book!! JESS doesn't even know if it would be a book!! I don't know how I'd feel about it if it WAS a book! She's been vocal about wanting something akin to an anime or animated series before iirc (though i dont remember the source for this so correct me if im wrong), so it could be that thats still something she wants to pursue with and getting a whole animated show at a good quality is hard! I don't know!!! Nobody knows!!!! (And I don't know if she's ever even produced anything aside from Youtube Video Storytelling/RP series. Sure she has a very successful toy line, but that's not really a writing/storytelling medium. And I guess there's the music videos, but those are... um......... bad........ And we know she's no stranger to fanfic, thanks to the fucklist if nothing else, but i've literally never SEEN her writing go towards something that wasnt a Minecraft Youtube Video. On this note, if anyone is familiar with work Jess/the team has done for something that ISNT the medium of things she posts to her youtube channel, please send it my way I'd be very interested in checking it out.)

I think I'm glad that at the very least, it wont be produced in the same style as her modern rps (the style used for mcds3 + modern mystreet content + Rebirth too actually...) because I really don't enjoy that style... to me a big part of MCD honestly is the fact that things are for the most part kept in Aphmau's POV of things, something they ditch alot in modern rp content. But switching that format to something else might not lend to telling it the same way. Which is scary to me!! (honestly I personally think mcd would function really well as a first person visual novel or something along those lines. but if anything, that might require more writing than a book would, since there'd be choices and paths...) And obviously ppl HAVE attempted things similar to retelling mcd as a book before, there might be more MCD rewrites out there than MCD fanfics at this point tbh im not blind. But there's still the difficulty of being able to tell that story well in a medium it was not originally produced in/arguably meant for.

There's also the point of: I don't really Like a lot of the more recent choices Jess has made with MCD's story somewhat recently. The stuff with Irene in Mystreet just feels like a mess, I don't like the idea of the two having crossover. And while Rebirth for the most part was pretty good, there are still some things I have gripes with, mostly with how Aphmau is presented as a character and agency problems she's had since all the way back in mcd s2. There's a very real possibility that I just wont enjoy MCD as the way Jess wants to tell it now. And thats like fine, obviously, but it is also a little disheartening.

and then there's the point of: still knowing that i probably won't like how it ends, WE WILL LIKELY GET AN ACTUAL END. can you imagine that. MCD with an ending. a canon ending. I doubt it would be in the first installment of whatever MCD gets published as (if it gets published at all), seeing as even in Rebirth jess was planning on it having 2 seasons, but still. Even if I don't like the ending, the idea that there will BE ONE OUT THERE for me to bounce off of is incredible to me.

when it comes down to it: i honestly don't have much hopes of MCD ever being officially finished in any capacity. I hate to be a downer about it so soon after news that Should be Good. But the fact that she doesn't even know what MEDIUM she wants it to be in is not a good sign. If it Will ever be officially published in some form, it's likely it won't be for a very very long time. Not like mcd fans are strangers to waiting, but still. As a professional MCD Waiter, I would not be surprised if we are left waiting forever. It happened with original mcd, it happened with rebirth, i do not doubt it will continue happening for a very long time. I'm scared to get my hopes up for a finished story of any kind, because it's never approached Finished before. Its very hard for me to get excited over something I know will likely be abandoned, possibly before it's even been started.

but yeah if we get mcd book ill read it probably. ya know. whatever or something. <guy who is trying not to look like he cares about this a lot

#ask #long post #big post #THIS GOT LONG JESUS CHRIST. RUN WHILE YOU CAN. SORRY.

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ghostys-originals · 1 year

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RKZ Fandom Boundaries/ Consent

Ive seen some creators make these boundary lists as of late and although I’ve accepted that I cannot control what a fandom does, I believe its at least important to vocalize my boundaries so there is no confusion in the future.

This is mainly about Roadkillerz, but can be extended to apply to whatever else I make in the future!

[CW: Brief mentions of nsfw topics, p*dophillia, and other problematic subjects common in fandom, will also briefly mention hate speech]

1. Fan Merch/art/fic/etc

- Although I would prefer if you financially supported me first, I do not mind the creating and selling of fan merch such as art prints, stickers, etc!

- With that said, I will discuss what I am personally comfortable with seeing depicted:

1a. Hate Speech

- I do not encourage the promotion of hate speech such as lgbtq+ phobia, racism, sexism, anti semitism, etc using my work/characters as the face for that. Not only does it directly go against my own values, but for RKZ specifically, goes against the intended themes of the series (nazi “punks” are posers)

- On the topic of politics, I dont mind the promotion of, love speech? I guess? I dont know how the groups affected would feel about fandomifying important issues, but if you want to use RKZ characters for political stances that dont fall under hate speech go for it. Pro-lgbtq fan works for example is fair game.

1b. NSFW

- To be super blunt: I do not mind NSFW content as a concept, majority of my characters are of age (18+) unless stated otherwise.

- I, however, will expect some very basic criteria:

One, I do not feel comfortable with ships between family members, adult/children, etc. I dont want to encourage ship discourse since anything can be considered abusive, but as long as its NEITHER of those two things I do not care.

Two, Please be a responsible ADULT (no minors are permitted to publicly post nsfw content of my work) and keep any nsfw art/fanfiction out of the main tags. I understand minors will still seek out content not meant for them, but there are also people (not just minors either) who want to be able to scroll through a tag without seeing something they dont want to. Sex is about consent, and if your work doesnt include at LEAST a warning of some kind that aint good.

Overall just have some common sense, and if you do see people doing these things please dont debate them- just block and move on. I hate it too but getting into flamewars isnt productive and you’ll just be angry and you’ll never change their minds. Bonus thing: love yourself, care for yourself

Ok I think thats the most i’ll put for that? Now for things unrelated to content

2. Staff interactions

2a. I am alright with having a casual back and forth with fans, however I highly discourage developing parasocial relationships. If you wish to be my friend, you HAVE to treat me like a person. I do not respond well to idol-worship or lovebombing. I’ve had many bad experiences with people being super weird with that. I am not saying this to be rude, but I can and will block you if you make me feel uncomfortable, spam my DMs, or do anything else that I believe oversteps my comfort. I prefer to not befriend fans anyway since that promotes power dynamics, plus the before mentioned idol-worship which just makes me feel inhuman, so do not get your hopes up

EDIT: ALSO THIS SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING, But do not attempt to block evade/cyberstalk either. It WILL not end well for you. (if you want to know what counts as cyberstalking, it should be at the point where you dedicate your life to finding out literally everything about a person- casually checking my socials is fine as long as it doesnt absorb your life)

Cyberstalking and block evading are a clear rejection of established boundaries and if you participate in that, then you are just scum. Theres no woke twist you can put on it to justify it. Its wrong no matter how you feel about somebody.

2b. With that said, please do not harass anybody involved with the production of Roadkillerz/Other works including VAs, friends, friend of friends, etc. Please remember that they are humans too and have the right to privacy and healthy relations like anybody else.

2c. Fetish mining/sharing nsfw content/etc: Even though I said I dont mind NSFW content, I still do not consent to receiving sexual messages from strangers that includes but are not limited to sexting/flirting, sending nsfw art/fics, irl photos in a sexual manner, requesting I draw fetish material like Sam wearing a straight jacket (TRUE STORY, BY THE WAY.), etc.

If i think of anything else I’ll add to this but for now I believe this should be enough.

#important

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ca1e70 · 1 year

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daverose indie rock house show au chapter........ 1.5?

"so like i didn't write this song or anything, but i mean technically i should be on the credits because i DID come up with one of the drum fills and i totally deserve credit. don't let them tell you any differently" the first few words came out echoey through the shitty speakers stacked around the living room and kitchen. at least until the blond guy with the shades fiddles with with the microphone while still giving his little spiel. he also manages to kick the "pedalboard" by his feet and nearly sends the cracked skateboard housing questionable equipment clear into the kitchen. he doesn't, though, but the mic picks up his worried curses anyway. back to the situation at hand. "our regularly scheduled lead is on vocal rest because of... what was it?"

hes turning back from the only slightly attentive crowd to look at the bassist. she has rubber bands youd expect to see on a set of extensive braces adorning her fingers while she mines a line and makes a face at him. she doesn't know. shes not even the regularly scheduled bassist.

"actually fuck it who gives a shit but i'm not changing the lyrics so just bear with me while i butcher some sapphic undertones" and their fill-in for the fill-in drummer is coming in early.

this is the second time rose lalonde has come across the man currently fumbling his way through a guitar riff like he'd never picked one up before. she would be none the wiser if it wasn't for the fact she knew the stand-in bassist, and she had heard plenty of talk about the stand-in drummer turned lead guitar and singer. this place did a lot of stand-ins. you'd think by now they would have created at least ONE set band, and maybe they did, but rose couldn't care less about the semantics of indie bands and their makeup of artists. she knows she heard one girl on her way to the bathroom talk about a different guitarist sending an unsolicited dick pic, and decided she didn't really want to be involved in the politics of 'local musicians'.

she was here, once again, at the request of her dear friend blowing everyone away with her ability to jump around the small dining room area and still hit every note. every time it looked like her hair had obscured her vision enough to send her tumbling into the guy not only wearing shades inside, but at night, jade managed to keep her balance up right. it's the only reason she stayed firmly planted on the kitchen counter in the background. it's also the only reason rose came again, because jade promised to "make it up to her by actually showing up and performing".

no one said anything about dave strider being front and center, though. she had half the mind to turn around and walk out the second she saw him tinkering with a power outlet. jade had already spotted her, though, and the escape plan went out the window. which is why she is once again stuck watching performances from what seems like a messier counter than last time, but i digress.

dont get her wrong. dave isnt half bad! if he had some training, maybe a better grasp on guitar work in general he would be good. if he had some more practice with the song he is, as he said, butchering. it isnt until he picks up in on the lyrics that she takes a second to really pay attention.

he isnt anything special. the southern accent he tries desperately to cover up makes its way out on certain words, he manages to keep in pitch and tone well enough she doesnt have to cover her ears, and theres a couple girls in the living room that yell when he starts singing. they scream, is more like it, and one of them is giggling at the other and theres a slight twinge in rose’s stomach that makes her want to run out of this house and never stop running until she makes it to antarctica.

she wants the girl to leave. she wants the guy in the shades to shut the fuck up and stop singing in front of everyone here. she wants jade to leave her bassist post and come over here right this very second so she can slap rose and tell her shes going insane. instead of any of that happening, rose hops off the counter again and starts to fill up a red solo cup with sink water. the physical act helps her keep her mind off of dave and how she feels her heart rate picking up at the idea that another girl could think he was cute. or that his voice was nice. or want to do something like go on a date with him when rose has already done that, ruined that, and ghosted him.

well, she didnt ghost him. itd only been a week and she just hadnt replied to his messages because she was busy with school. just because he and jade had school together and talked every day, and jade said that dave asked about her and was worried, and she never replied back, does not mean shes ghosting him.

if she was ghosting him the nickels wouldnt be still sitting on her bedside table, like a memento of something that happened with a weird boy in a bathroom.

rose manages to overfill the cup and continue overfilling it until the song is over. when silence hits the room (just before scattered applause) she turns the faucet off and stares at the ripple of the water in her cup. she would never drink something like this, but it had given her something to do, so she dumps it back into the sink and crushes the cup to let loose a little bit of self contained anger.

she should have waited because theres a rather jazzy little guitar fill – not bass, guitar – and she has to walk around the wall in the kitchen just to make sure she isnt hallucinating. it must be a cover, one he’s worked on before, because the audience goes a little crazy and when he starts singing again they sing along. its one shes never heard, but it isnt as if shes all that up to date on the scene shes currently swathed in. dave had sent her a playlist of music to listen to, ones that would help her out if she ever came back, and she wondered if this one was on it. she wondered if she could have been singing along with him like the girls stationed right in front of his microphone. she wonders if she could have been cheering him on like he deserved.

no, he didnt deserve it. hes just a boy. hes just a boy with a kind of good voice that can apparently play the guitar well enough and supposedly plays the drums like a god. something rose has only heard rumors of and yet to see, and theres the smallest part of her that hopes she does one day, but she shoves that down quickly in favor of staring into the back of those girls heads like shes going to make them explode.

this is jealousy and she doesnt like it. she didnt even know she was capable of jealousy. she wants to never feel jealous again, and jade is gearing up for a bass solo and sees rose in the actual ‘audience’. her name is yelled into the microphone and rose can feel her face turning red when dave’s face appears between the two witches he has as fans. the witches turn around as well. the entire house turns around to look at rose right as jade starts playing and rose just… stands there. still as a caught mouse. a truly dead possum. caught in the fact dave smiled when he caught sight of her and went back to messing with the pedalboard. she wants to run away and disappear right then and there.

she does, to be fair, once jade has finished her solo and looks back at rose for approval shes back to trying to find an escape route for the time being. somewhere that she doesnt have to look at a stupid little blond boy or feel emotions she hasnt felt since her mother smiled wider at a wine shipment than the carefully crafted scarf she had made her for christmas one year as a kid. she wanted to break every bottle in that crate just like she wanted to break every bone in those girls bodies, so she takes her rage up the stairs and into a bedroom she can find unlocked. theres shockingly no one in there, but it doesnt take her long to realize why.

above the bed is an entire shelf of preserved animals. there are cords across the floor like nobodys business, the entire room is a tripping hazard, and the sheets on the bed look rumpled and unchanged and the entire room smells of formalin and teenage boy.

no one is going to come in here, though, so its safe. its safe enough she shuts the door behind her and carefully crosses the room to open a window for airflow. the fan in the corner doesnt really do the room much help, so this should make it less stuffy. her head is sticking out and her hands are on the ledge of the window and she can still hear dave singing underneath her but its muffled. far away. just like her house, and yet, last friday he walked her all the way there. it had to have been forty minutes. she took a cab here again, no idea how she would get home. she fully hoped jade would give her a ride back so she didnt have to walk or be walked by a man who probably went way out of his way for that.

she doesn't even know where he lives, after all.

#writing tag #daverose indie rock house show au

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tearsonthepage · 8 months

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hi, so i wanted to ask you a question.

i know that you are very protective of charlie's mother and i understand why and i fully agree that comparing her to aled's mother doesn't make sense. i agree that jane isn't abusive.

but, i also want to hear your opinion about her as a mother without bringing up all the people who call her worse than she actually is, i want to hear your opinion without putting you in a situation in which you have to protect her. so, my questions are:

do you think that she is a good mother?

do you think that she made mistakes in the series? if you do think so, what were the mistakes?

is there anything in general that you have against her as a mother?

i also just wanted to say that i'm so so sorry if it comes out as offensive or agressive, i don't want to fight, i just want to know your opinion, because when i read the books (especially solitaire and this winter) i thought about her as not the best mother in this world and even though i don't think that she was abusive or anything like it or actively hurt her kids on purpose i also think that she made some mistakes and i feel like your opinion might be very interesting because you always have great takes

~ the 💎anon

oooo i love this one, okok so

i do think she is a good mother, i think (like everyone else) she makes mistakes and she says the wrong thing because she doesn’t understand why her kids are upset with her when she’s just trying to protect them, but i don’t think that makes her a bad mother overall.

i think that when (in the show) she used banning her kid (charlie) from seeing the person they love (nick) as a punishment wasn’t exactly a great move. i understand where she could be coming from, that he spends too much time js hanging out and he ignores his work, but if that was something she wanted to teach was wrong she could’ve spoken with him abt time management, or getting work out of the way before going out. just flat out going “you cant see nick until its done” wasnt the way to go, maybe she could’ve said “i understand that you care abt him, but holding him as your number one priority, even above your schoolwork and future, isn’t healthy for you two. you need to understand that you need to manage your time better, and maybe get the boring stuff out of the way before hanging out with friends or your boyfriend.” but, if she did say that, theres no guarantee he actually wouldve learned anything. theres more but i feel like that needs to be its own post, and this one is js an example on the tip of the iceberg.

i dont necessarily have anything against her as a mother, being a parent is hard and theres no one way to do it, so you probably feel a little lost and overwhelmed at times. that being said, its pretty clear that her kids feel ignored or flat out hated by her pretty frequently, and that is DEFINITELY not what you want as a mom. i think she js tries so hard to care for them and protect them it can be overwhelming/overbearing and if shes not doing that, it seems to them like she’s ignoring them or doesnt care. she cares so much she tends to get a lot of things wrong, but when push comes to shove, she loves her kids and she can be good for them (letting charlie and nick have a sleepover, for example), she just worries too much and tries a little too hard to not be like her mom (the flashback of her mom hitting her when she was a teen).

sorry if this doesnt make too much sense lol, i tried ❤️

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goremet-chef · 10 months

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being friends with me sucks because i will never ever send the first message unless ive like. slept in the same bed as you (AND EVEN THEN ITS HARD ive known these bitches for 10 years why am i still nervous to send them dms specifically KSJFS)

(ramble)

i think dms naturally just make me anxious because then i have to do smalltalk in a private setting? god i hope not, im really awful at carrying a conversation. ive done my best to like... get better but its hard to keep track of things. im the kind of loser who looks shit up like "how to keep a conversation going" its real bad

but oh man, do i wanna talk to someone? absolutely. bouncing my leg biting my nails type shit the urge inside of me to reach out, the urge is strong but the anxiety is stronger SKFJSF

like many things it sorta comes from bpd too? ive got such a crippling fear of rejection, of not being wanted or not being welcome, that shit will keep me away from ANYTHING i dont care we could be roleplaying hot gay sex every day if i get the idea that there could be some reason im not wanted at that moment i CLING to it and i will never speak to you again unless you start it. its. humiliating and EMBARRASSING but.. its just how my brain works.

it makes me feel awful too, cuz i dont like.... there is a very real chance that if you tell me something and its not clear what you mean, or its blunt, short etc. ive heard people with trauma often take neutral cues and negative and that is so fucking true for me my brain immediately is like "oh you pissed them off lol" and im just. sat with dread because I KNOW ITS NOT REAL, i know trust me i know. i know my brain is making it up and everything is fine,

i used to ask for clarifications, but i learned to stop doing that because it makes me sound even crazier. they mean shit normally, so i cant ask "are you mad at me, did i do something wrong?" cuz it freaks em out like??? no nothing is wrong tf (and even that reaction alone could cause my brain to double down. its EXHAUSTING).

THAT ALONE will keep me away as well, i hate feeling like a burden, and big surprise lots of people think of borderlines as burdens. yippee. this is technically fine though? i dont make many friends to begin with, or well. i dont MAINTAIN them i think i make them a decent amount but i guess.. in my head, if you are my friend, yr my friend forever. like unless we specifically part ways, i will always think of you fondly. doesnt matter if we havent talked for weeks, months, years. ill think of you and go "oh yeah, that person is my buddy :]"

UNFORTUNATELY i dont know anyone else who thinks this besides me, which means theres probably lots of "friendships" in my head that are now one sided, bummer. idk it sucks, i have dreams about that kinda shit, where like... my friends from middleschool, id come home and theyd be happy to see me again and tell me how much they missed me, but thats just fantasy 😔

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satellite-slickers · 1 year

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okay thats it time to clear house there are fucking too many of you now. survival of the fittest those of you who are strong enough will die off and my notifications wont be filling with hundreds of them every day

the internet left is straight up canibalistic and impotent. you talk about a revolution and killing billionaires but the thought of giving up chick fillet or something else equally trivial is completely beyond you. how am i supposed to take you seriously anout wanting to go through the painful and potentially devastating concequences of forcibly changing society if you don't have the conviction to even give up your creature comforts. until you so called leftists grow a spine and actualy do the basics like get q long term strategy in place i am not going to believe that you have what it takes.

on the same note. yall are so fucking dramatic and love drama to the point that you will gladly tear into each other and try to paint other leftists as villains for not being ideologically pure as you think you are. you cant build a colelition or a movement if you arent willing to join with people you dont agree 100% with. and you cant do shit if youre more concerned with looking like the wokest person in the room than you are actually affecting systemic change

the harry potter game thing is a microcosm. i do not care qbout the harry potter game. as a trans person. i dont care. you're shadow boxing in platos cave trying to win a symbolic victory against a single terf. meanwhile our rights are being stripped away from us while you are focused on bullying people into not playing a videp game like thats actually going to fix anything. someone streaming that fucking terrible game and raising money to donate to a trans charity is doing infinitely more good for me and the rest of the trans community than the rest of you fuckers combined

ai art is fine actually. and while there needs to ne regulation about how datasets qre compiled. it is not plageriam and is not art theft and is not copying your art style the devil and is actualy good and cool you just have a fundumental misunderstanding of how the technology works. the exploitation and undervaluation of artists in our society is not new and is not because of ai art. you want to help artists? stop shadow boxing in platos cave and actually support artists and create networks with the aim of making sure that artists actually get paid and get credit for the work they do

people can ship or write or he off too whatever the hell they like its none of my business

i am not proship, not because i dont share their views about fiction. but because i dont believe that they go far enough. the anti anti movement had it right but the proship comunity is very much "fuck you i got mine" they want to play with their fanfic and read their stories and dont want to actually explore thought or principles beyond that. things dont matter and arent bad if they arent hurting real people? okay then. in that case pedophiles and zoophiles dont deserve harasment if they arent actually hurting anykne. incest is fine as long as its consentual and using mental health problems (hes insane, theyre psychotic, theyre a narcasist, they lack empathy conservatism appeals to the mentaly ill, trying to say that mass murderers or child molesters or corrupt politicians are that way because there is something mentally wrong with them) as a way to condem their character means that YOU are the terrible person. claiming that only people who aren't neurotypical can be monsters is abelist. theres no other way about it

some of you straight up dont have principles, you call yourself progressive but you are still working on that gut level "it makes me feel weird pr gross to think about and upsets me and therefor it must be evil" like a five year old, you never actually examined your beliefs and your feelings and developed a moral code that you stick to even when it is hard and it shows

#hopefully this will scare at least some of you off #looking forward to my notes being managable again and not a source of stress #hopefully i dont lose any of my mutuals over this

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curedeity · 2 years

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For the bingo: kyoko and/or mami?

While i may have surprisingly few boxes for kyoko colored in, its not from a lack of love. Kyoko, imo, is the best redeemed villain character ive ever seen. Its not about her apologizing to sayaka or whatever, its about her slowly understanding sayakas worldview and growing closer to her, how their differing philosophies intertwine as the world slowly beats them down. Kyokos redemption arc is just her choosing to change and try to help sayaka, such a simple thing and yet masterfully executed. Its even more impressive when kyoko really only had 4 episodes in the show to execute all that. Saying she didnt have enough screentime is a bit tough, especially considering what a short and tightly plotted show pmmm is, but i really think kyoko couldve used a few more scenes to show what she does when shes alone, shes normally only with another character.

She does work very well off of whatever character shes paired with though. She and sayaka have (imo) the best dynamic in the entire show, what with how much they impact each other and how their dynamic builds up over time. Kyoko also has great chemistry with madoka despite having only one episode together. I know theres a manga of her and mami somewhere which i really want to read. (Rebellion spoilers for the rest of the paragraph) I also love how she and homura get to grow close in rebellion. I just wish rebellion had given time to kyoko and madoka, and kyoko and mami, but it isnt a huge problem.

Basically, i love kyoko a lot and what she means in the series. Her arc is incredible and she works well off of anyone she comes in contact with. The only problem is that i think the show doesnt give her a chance to show off what she can be like solo.

Mami. Gosh, this feels lkke payback for me giving you her. Shes such a hard character to describe.

First off minor point not everyone is wrong about mami im mostly joking bc i really hc her as aroace. Shes got so many aroace vibes. Shes the character through which i truly understood what relationship envy was. But i dunno if i wanna say all her ships are bad or anything yknow. They just dont work for me. So mostly that point is kinda a joke.

Also ghsjfnnsks so hard to choose whether shes wasted potential and not enough screentime. To say those things would i think imply something in the writing wasted her, and i dont think so. She is a character with very little of an arc, very little time, but she dows a lot in that time and is incredibly important to how the rest of the show plays out. Plotwise, i think shes used perfectly. I think what redeems her short tome is that they strongly characterize her in short moments. That scene in episode 10 reveals so much about how mami views the world, and makes so much sense. Not to mention how much they let mami do in rebellion. Its clear they have a strong characterization of mami and show it off whenever possible.

She did get done dirty by the creators though, she did not need to be fanserviced in rebellion. Shes a middle schooler.

Other than that i find her very interesting to think about but i will admit she is my lest favorite magical girl in pmmm. Which means shes still an incredible character, but the weakest in her cast.

EDIT: i forgot to mention i love her dynamic with madoka but idk if thats necessarily where she works best. Its just fun.

#puella magi madoka magica #pmmm #madoka magica #i love pmmm characters so much they have so much going on and then you realize they were only around for three episodes

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self-h-rmageddon · 2 months

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i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

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littlemisslipbalm · 4 years

Text

“it’s not that important”

Summary: Y/N is in Harry’s band and one night they have a drunken hook up. One thing leads to another and they find themselves engaging in a friend’s with benefits type of situation. spoiler: it is important

AKA: A friends with benefits to lovers story :) with some angst in there

This is for @stylesharrys fallinharry10k celebration so my trope is friends with benefits! prompt is “you have no goddamn idea what you do to me. when i’m around you, i have no control of my emotions or my thoughts” and the tenth picture ^ i kinda just used it in the beginning to descripe what he was wearing - i got really carried away with this story but the prompt is in there !! lol, not proofread tho but would love your feedback !!!! :) love y’all very much

oh boy i’ve had this done for agesss but i hadn’t written the smut until today so now we’re here i dont even remember what happens - i vaguely remember not loving the end but I hope yall enjoy

Word Count: 15.4k (longest fic to date) | Warnings: smut, angst, fluff, alcohol consumption? i dont remember but i dont think theres anything too heavy in here.

“Hey Harold!” You smile as you easily hop over the side of the couch and settle beside your bandmate.

Harry groans, yet can’t keep the small smile off of his face when he sees it’s you. “How many times have I told you to never call me that?”

Your eyes narrow at his faux glare. “And how many times have I told you, I simply do not care?”

You reach a hand out and tousle his already disheveled, unstyled brown hair. Despite his lack of styling, his hair still looked perfect. His chestnut hair fell into a middle part when he did nothing to it and you found it endearing. It made him look far younger than he truly was, like a boy you might have pursued when you were in your early days at college. The waves slightly framed his prominent cheekbones and chiseled jaw that was sporting a tiny amount of stubble.

He moves his arm from around the back of the couch to pat at his hair, trying to put it back in its nondescript position you had just messed with. After he’s satisfied, he uses the same hand to push up his glasses on the bridge of his nose. They’re chestnut brown Gucci frames that match the natural highlights in his hair. You can safely assume that’s why he bought them. The lenses are clear, but you know they don’t hold any prescription. He looks incredulously at you from behind them still.

“Nice glasses,” you mention offhandedly as you reach out to the coffee table to grab the drink you had left there earlier.

Before Harry had arrived, you had been taking up residence on the couch, in the spot he had actually taken up. You had ventured to the restroom for a moment and gotten held up in a conversation when asked your preference for the Beatles. Having to defend your staunch stance for the Beatles and against the Rolling Stones, you had gotten swept up into an argument with Adam. He believed that because the Rolling Stones toured for longer warranted them the title of best rock band. While you countered that despite their long touring and production of music, the Stones had a rotation of members. The Beatles maintained the four of them and held such a large impact even though they were barely together for a decade. They were one of a kind, or at least the first of their kind, you’d allow. You weren’t really in the mood for intellectual conversation tonight, so upon seeing Harry taking up your seat, you had told Adam you’d continue the discussion at a later date and returned to your spot.

“Thanks,” Harry mumbles as his gaze flits around the room. He wasn’t sure if you were actually complimenting him, but he would take it as one either way.

The rest of your friends are all up and about, drinking, talking, dancing. It was the usual house party scene: a relatively intimate gathering, music you all actually liked, some friends of friends feeling slightly out of place. There was no pressure in this type of gathering but still Harry wasn’t necessarily in the party mood tonight. Usually, Harry was the one instigating these types of get-togethers with his friends and bandmates. He liked to be the life of the party, but as the tour loomed closer and closer, he felt some tinge of longing for quiet and solitude. He knew he wouldn’t have much quiet while on the road, which mostly didn’t scare him. He loved the stage and the high he received from performing and the gratification he felt from all the people in the room being there to see him. But there was also that other part of him that liked the quiet, the privacy. As the lack of alone time nudged itself around the corner, he had been hoping to enjoy solitude, or at the very least peace before he was on the road. Some sort of blissful state before technical chaos ensued. When Charlotte, the host of tonight’s soiree, had texted their group chat about tonight, Harry had politely declined. Then came the slew of private texts from Charlotte giving him all the reasons he should come tonight. He tried to say no again, but had shown up after the continued begging from her.

His appearance mirrored his expression, choosing a not perfectly fitted white t-shirt and random trousers rather than picking something he really loved, like usual. You could tell something was up and as his friend you were wondering what was wrong with him.

“Don’t sound so excited, Harry, someone might mistake you for somebody who’s happy to be here.” You stick your tongue into the side of your cheek, gauging his reaction.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re not very funny?” He quips, green eyes flashing to meet yours.

Your banter is probably how the pair of you communicated the best, never really falling into the whole serious side of friendship. You never shared those late night talks about the future or your fears. It was a fun friendship, so you didn’t fancy yourself one of his closest confidants. When it came to music, you and Harry were a bit more serious which formed a sort of paradox because the music you would share with each other gave a far greater insight into your souls than you probably realized. As a member of his band, you would discuss his music and what was going on with that sort of business part. But the sharing and discussion of other music that you did was part of your friendship, even if you didn’t see it like that. Because of the countless albums you had recommended to each other and the specific songs you had made note of, Harry and you knew each other much better than you thought you did. Music connects to something deep inside yourself and you have to like it enough and know the other person well enough to believe that they will also enjoy it to recommend it. As much tongue and cheek that you partook in with Harry, deep down, unbeknownst to either of you, you were that friend he shared his hopes and fears with, through the way he knew best, music.

“No, most people find me hilarious...”

You take a sip of your drink, trying to cover up the sting that his remark actually left. Most of the time you were great at keeping up with anyone’s banter, especially Harry’s, but tonight you weren’t feeling it. His tone had sounded so harsh it almost sounded like he meant it. His features soften when he sees the way your face falls, despite your sarcastic tone.

“‘M sorry. I’m just not in the best mood tonight. Didn’t want to come, but Charlotte…” He shifts to face you, arm retracting slightly around the couch, landing his hand at the edge of your shoulder. His fingers fiddle with themselves absentmindedly, he turns his rings around his fingers and they ever so slightly brush against your shoulder. You don’t mind, you know its his nervous tick that he did whenever he didn’t have something to clink them against.

“Yeah, same here, actually.” Your tuck an out of place hair behind your ear, returning your gaze to Harry, who’s tilting his head at you curiously. “But might as well make the most of it, though. After all, this is our last week before tour starts.” You raise your glass and tilt it towards him before taking a sip.

You really didn’t have a plan, you were just trying to make him feel a little better. It was seldom you saw him so solemn at this type of gathering. He usually was the one bouncing from group to group, entertaining everyone with his dazzling charm and quick wit. Sometimes he would bring a date and spend the night with them in the corner, but that was usually at bigger parties than this. At these types of gatherings you often found yourself talking with Charlotte for most of the night. You were both new additions in the band and you had clicked immediately. You would travel in a pair between different groups and talk with everyone. Sometimes you would tell a humorous anecdote about your life and everyone would laugh wholeheartedly. Your ability to retell a story and make it hilarious every time seemed to be your secret talent. You could make any experience into a ten-minute retelling and it always sounds like the funniest moment of your life. It ranged from your embarrassing audition for Grease as a tween to your supermarket run in with an old acquaintance or B-list celebrity the day before. It didn’t matter what it was, it just always had the entire circle of people laughing and wiping their eyes with joy. You’d laugh a little with themselves, but usually you just had a triumphant smile on your lips for the rest of the night.

He nods, sipping his own drink for the first time since you had settled down beside him. “Well, I’m all ears.”

“What?”

“Give me your suggestions on how to make the most of tonight.”

“Drinking, mostly, was my plan,” you laugh nervously as Harry continues to stare at you intently.

“Mostly?”

“I mean, what do you want me to say? I didn’t think to pack my bouncy castle, my bad.”

He bites back a laugh but lets some air escape his defined nose, before staring with a deadpan face at you.

You like to tease him. You simply liked him. Harry was different from other men you knew. You were pretty sure most people could say that though. Harry was just different. It seemed like no one could not have some sort of affection for him. With the playful friendship the pair of you had, you always skirted the edge of flirtation. But you also didn’t particularly ever want to cross any lines with him. He was the employer of you, technically. He had brought you into his backing band and you wouldn’t do anything to harm that position. As well, at the end of the day you knew Harry. His tendencies and the choices he made.

When you were around him at parties like this, you had to try really hard to keep him at an arm’s length. Because on one hand, you would drink and suddenly the boundaries you put up didn’t seem that important, instead his lips started to look rather inviting, but on the other, you knew that he was extremely emotionally closed off to any relationship that was more than either friendship or a one night stand.

Harry doesn’t give you a response, just swings back his drink. The pair of you sit and drink in silence. Before you know it, Harry and you are five drinks in, finally talking after the second. The pair of you decide to move to the balcony outside and continue your conversation there after the third. After the fourth, you're getting really handsy and by the end of the fifth, Harry’s arm is wrapped tightly around your waist and you're laughing breathlessly into his neck. It looks like he’s just shielding you from the cold night air, but both of you seemed to be enjoying each other’s embrace for other reasons.

Finally catching your breath, you lean back and pant softly as you meet eyes with Harry. His pupils have blown out from the alcohol and dark light. The emerald green barely surrounds the black and you swear there’s flecks of gold or maybe brown in them. Your brows scrunch at the revelation and Harry asks what you’re thinking. You don’t respond, too entranced and drunk to even hear him.

“Oi,” he bops your nose, “What is goin’ on in there, little lady?”

Your hand reaches up and widens Harry’s eye manually. His inebriated state has no qualms about you doing such an odd thing. “Why’s your green not actually green?”

“What?” He asks before moving your hand away from his face, it instead falls to his chest. The pair of you shift until your caged between his body and the balcony’s ledge. You pout as you stare up at him. His skin looks soft and taught over every inch of his face and neck. The urge to kiss him keeps nagging at the back of your mind. The idea keeps creeping up closer and closer and the drunker you are the less likely you are to suppress it.

“Do you want to fuck me?” You blurt out.

“Sure.” Harry isn’t taken aback. He had been thinking about asking for a while, so he was glad you had asked first, made it easier for him.

“Okay, let’s go.”

He takes you back to your place, the pair of you catching a cab the short distance between yours and Charlotte’s flats. No one blinks an eye at the pair of you leaving together. Everyone watched the pair of you sulk all night about being there and only enjoying the other’s company, so they weren’t keen on either of you staying. Charlotte was simply glad the pair of you had stayed for as long as you did.

The two of you walk casually until you’re inside your bedroom. Once inside, Harry throws you on the bed and fucks you. Hard. He’s got you spread out in more ways than you had ever thought possible. He’s got you saying things you had never even dreamed of saying. And he’s got you cumming and screaming more than you could have ever wanted. He enjoys himself as well. He loves the way you feel around him and the way your eyes look up at him while he fucks you straight into the bed. He loves the way you sound whispering dirty things and screaming his name. He loves the feel of your soft skin all over your body as he pushes deep inside you. He loves the way you’re able to rip a guttural moan from him every time he cums. And he cums three times that night. While it wasn’t quiet, he did find that blissful state he had been in desperate need of.

After the third round, Harry feels spent. He brings himself into a sitting position, legs hanging off the edge of your bed. You’re lying in your bed, completely overstimulated, cumming at least twice as many times as Harry. He scratches at the top of his head, his bicep bulging as he folds his arms around himself.

“That was fucking good, Y/N. Just what I needed.”

You can only hum in response.

Then he takes your blanket and lays it over you. After that he begins to stand up, getting ready to grab his things and go.

“You don’t have to go…” your voice raises when you realize what he’s doing.

“Yeah, I do. This was just a one time thing, yeah? I enjoyed it, but you know...”

“Erm, I guess?” You rolled to fully look at him, he was pulling his t-shirt back on now, his marked chest disappearing beneath the white fabric. “Do you really not stay over at your one night stands?”

He thinks about it as he begins with his shoes and his glasses at the same time. “Yes? Usually I don’t know the person and I don’t particularly want to sign an autograph when I leave in the morning. Best to leave immediately afterwards.”

“That was exactly why I wanted you to stay...Shit! No chance you’ll give me an autograph now? Could sign my tit, right next to your hickies.”

He laughs, automatically in a better mood after the catharsis of having sex. It was also a relief for him that you didn’t seem to be weird about the hook up. “Shut up!”

“You’re a twat, Harold.” He groans instinctively at the annoying nickname, not caring about the ‘twat’ part. “But be my guest, you can freeze your arse off while waiting for your cab outside at this hour.”

“Rude..” He mutters, standing in your doorway now. “You wouldn’t actually make your employer stand out in the cold at this time of night. I haven’t even got a jumper. Could get a cold and ruin my voice. ”

“You’re the one who says it’s best to leave immediately. Get on it, mister.”

Your hand makes a shooing movement, but he doesn’t budge. You sigh as he makes a puppy dog face - eyes wide and a puckered pout with his flushed cheeks and lips - playing into your actual kindness, that he knows is somewhere. Your sweetness that you were keeping hidden from Harry right now. Nothing was serious between you so it made sense that you were trying not to let your innate ability to care show as he’s about to walk out on you.

“Ugh, fine. Stop looking at me like that. Just grab one of my coats from the bottom right, they’re all oversized so one should fit.” He doesn’t relent on the face. “And you can stay inside until your cab comes.” You sigh and throw one of your pillows at him. He catches it easily and throws it back, much softer than your throw. “Also never pull the employer card on me again when I’m naked in the bed you just fucked me in,” you call as he looks through your closet.

Returning with a patchwork coat you had thrifted tight over his shoulders, he looks at you seriously, “Yeah sorry about that part. Definitely wasn’t trying to exert my power over you, it sounded better in my head. Meant more like you could ruin my voice and both of our jobs.”

You nod and chuckle slightly, finding how inarticulate Harry could be as an endearing trait. His explanation didn’t actually make it sound better. “The jacket fits.” You say, choosing to move forward from Harry’s weirdness, knowing he didn’t mean any harm from his initial statement.

“Yeah, thanks. I think my cab is here,” He glances at his phone, “So I’ll go...See you?”

“I’m sure.” You smile, “We do in fact work together and will soon be touring the world. Would be a bit weird if I didn’t see you.”

“Right.” He nods and adds a peace sign before he walks out of your sight. You know he’s gone when you hear the door click shut. What an interesting night.

Love on Tour had just started and Harry couldn’t lie. He couldn’t keep his mind off of you. You were both his most recent partner and the best he had had in a while. He found himself rubbing over the spots on his neck and clavicle that you had given particular attention to during the night you had shared together. When he went to bed it was your body he pictured to get himself off. So, after the first show he’s beelining to you at the beginning of the after party. He’s got an adrenaline high and he needs a release. You’re the solution. He’s whispering in your ear, asking if you’d like to meet him in his dressing room. Your eyes study his face when he pulls back and they widen slightly when the realization of what he’s implying dawns on you. Then you’re nodding and excusing yourself from a random conversation five minutes later.

Inside Harry’s dressing room, you find Harry already unbuttoning his shirt. He grabs your face and shoves his lips onto yours once you lock the door. As he kisses you he tries to make one thing very clear, “This doesn’t mean anything.”

“Got it.” You begin to finish Harry’s job of taking off his shirt.

He pulls back to look you in the eye, “Are you okay with that?”

“Jesus fuck, yes, Harry, just shut up and fuck me senseless again!”

He listens to you and begins to kiss down your jaw and neck. His open-mouth kisses leave a searing trail across your skin. He settles on a spot at the base of your neck and begins to suck and nip at it with vigor. You set to work on finishing his job of unbuttoning his shirt. Then you pull off your own shirt, reaching behind you to untie the bows at the back. The new skin exposed grabs Harry’s attention and he moves down to suck over the cleavage of your tits. He’s happy to be back with his ‘bosom friends’. You smack his head when he says it and he chuckles darkly, only sucking harder on them causing you to moan louder than you would like.

Once you’re both in only your underwear, you find your back pressed up against the mirror behind the dressing room counter. Harry’s body is nestled between your spread legs as he kisses down your skin. His fingers dance along the line of your thong as he looks up from beneath his lashes for position, you only push his head closer to your heat in response. He laughs mischievously before tugging them down off your hips.

“Missed this pretty little cunt...All I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout,” He mutters as he begins to latch onto your dripping core.

Your brows shoot up at the thought that Harry’s mind has been stuck on you for the past week. You definitely had thought about your drunken hook up a bit, but hadn’t thought it had left a lasting impression on Harry, you assumed he had that lovely of a night with every person he chose to spend intimate time with. These thoughts are forgotten when Harry’s warm tongue is lapping at your swollen bud. You’re already panting for Harry and now you’re heaving with moans and whimpers leaving your mouth with every lick and nip of his expert mouth.

“Fuck Harry, feels so good,” you whine as his tongue travels down your folds and swirls and dips into your hole.

He moans at your words and the way your legs squeeze at his head. His hands move to spread you open wide to maintain his control and he smirks at the way your body rolls due to the friction of his voice against your pussy.

“Be a good girl f’me,” he growls still pressed against your wet heat.

Your body rolls again as you get closer and closer to your first release. Your bite your lip trying to contain all of the sounds that are trying to escape your mouth. Harry notices the new silence and glances up seeing how you’re trying to behave. As much as he likes you obeying his words, he also wanted to hear how he was pleasuring you.

“Tell me how you feel, princess,” he demands.

“So-so good,” you hiccup as his fingers caress over your folds now as he looks you in the eyes, his lips wet with your slick. He kisses you hard, his tongue diving into your mouth and you kiss back passionately, loving your taste on his tongue.

He pulls back and your hands trail down his chest, swirling around his familiar tattoos and hair that grace his lower torso as you move. He grins, enjoying the feeling of you on him and how he was affecting you.

Soon enough, his cock is finding its way back to your glistening folds, wet with your own liquids as well as his saliva. His mouth waters at the sight. He only pushes into you a few times like this. Then he catches sight of himself in the mirror in front of him and can’t resist. He pulls out and flips you over, your squeal leaving your mouth before you can stop yourself. His dick finds your entrance once again, not wanting to be without the wonderful warmth for any longer than he must.

“Ahhh,” Harry groans when he slips back inside.

Your head throws back on your neck, the feeling of him as well as the sight of him gripping your hair in one hand and your fleshy hip in the other. His rings dig into the skin as he’s able to slam more forcefully in this position. You gasp and whine at his motions. The sounds coming from between your legs are turning you on even more and they seem to make Harry happy too. He picks up the pace and drops the grasp of your hair for a second. Your head falls down as you try to keep yourself up on your elbows.

Gripping both of your hips, Harry growls, “Look at me while I fuck you. C’mon now.”

You moan in response and tear your eyes open to see your reflections in the mirror. One hand goes up to hold onto the mirror to give yourself more traction, causing your back to arch even more. The new position has Harry’s cock slamming into you deeper.

“Fuck!” Harry practically yells and can’t keep himself from landing a harsh slap on your ass. You jump forward at the sting but his other hand keeps the pace steady. He keeps burying himself into you all the way to his base, his balls slapping at your now slick spread thighs. He rubs over the red handprint he had just left on your ass. You whimper and bite your lip, truly enjoying the sensation.

Still staring into the mirror as Harry commanded, your eyes water slightly and Harry makes eye contact with you through the mirror. You smile widely and he grins back. “This feels so fucking good. Your pussy takes me so well. Fuck…” Harry babbles, still pistoning into you. You had noticed how vocal he was the first time you had fucked, but thought it had just been the alcohol. Apparently not. But you didn’t mind, you much preferred it to partners who barely spoke or didn’t even moan. Like how were you supposed to know what was going on in their minds? With Harry, you knew he was having a good time.

A few more heavy thrusts and you felt yourself nearing the edge. Your panting was getting faster, exceeding the speed of Harry’s thrusts and he could also feel you were close. Your cunt began squeezing him tighter so he hooked a hand under your knee and brought it onto the table. He hunched over you slightly and snaked his hand to your clit. “C’mon darling, I know you're close. Can feel that little cunt putting a choke hold on my cock.” He rubs at your clit with the vigor of strumming a quick paced song on the guitar. It’s enough to overtake your senses and the laugh that had bubbled from his words turns into your orgasm moan. You try to muffle it into the arm that is holding you against the mirror to avoid a full on scream because it feels that good. You felt like you were having your first ever orgasm, it felt that new to you.

A few more thrusts and you’ve come down from it, but Harry still hasn’t finished. It’s your turn to be the partner coaxing the other to get off. “Faster, Har. Want you to cum too.” He grunts, picking back up the pace. He had slowed to let you ride out your stay. “That’s it...want you to cum in me. Your cock feels so fucking good.” You whine, meaning every word. He smiles again at you and closes his eyes, focusing on chasing his high. You watch as his smile widens to that open mouth grin, “Fuck,” he almost whispers. And there it is. There’s a twitch in his hips that mirrors his expression and then he’s pulling out and cumming on your back. His voice is now even lower and raspier than before as he babbles how good that was and how tight your pussy was. It was sweet nothings, but extremely explicit and you sighed heavily, feeling a small orgasm wash over you again. His final thrusts and voice pushing you off the cliff again easily.

The two of you take a minute to bring your breathing back to normal and Harry goes to clean your back off.

“So..how do you feel about maybe doing this regularly?” Harry asks sheepishly as he begins to pull his pants back on.

“Like a friends with benefits kind of thing? Or bandmates with benefits, rather.” You laugh breathlessly at your not really funny joke, but you’re now truly exhausted. From the show and the fuck, you felt thouroughly worked out.

“I guess that’s what it is, yeah.”

“Yeah, sure. Sounds good.”

“You’re honestly so chill, Y/N. It’s fuckin’ hot.”

You laugh and flip your hair dramatically. You’re only in your bra and panties right now and Harry licks his lips, finding your playfulness to be a turn on. “What can I say?” You laugh.

“But like I said before...it’s just sex.” He’s buttoning up his shirt and looking at your reflection through the mirror now. He watches you slip the pants you had been wearing back on.

“Oh, Harold, I know.” On cue, he groans and turns around to face you after fixing his mused hair in the mirror. Interrupting yourself, you turn your back to Harry, “Can you tie this, sorry it’s hard for me to get the -” Harry walks to you without any hesitation and begins tying the silk ribbons on the back of your shirt. “Thanks. Anyway,” you turn to face him when he’s finished and you place both of your palms on his chest. “Trust me, I know you’ve got your issues and I’m not looking to be the girl that tries to change you. I know what this is. I only ask that you let me know when you sleep with other people, because once you do, you won’t need me.” Harry nods and you pat your hands against him. You both smile and go your separate ways when you leave the dressing room.

Harry and you fucked almost every night on tour. Sometimes it was right after, on the counter in his dressing rooms. Sometimes it was later in the evening in his hotel room or yours. He stopped leaving immediately after your hook ups. He never kicked you out of his room so he decided it was fine for him to stay in yours. Especially because you weren’t a stranger who would be weird with him in the morning. He also didn’t like trekking through the hotel halls late at night.

The first few times you stayed in the same bed, the two of you stayed on opposite sides of the bed, not touching after you were finished engaging in your sexual endeavours. Rigid bodies against the edges of the mattress. Then one particularly long night, filled with multiple rounds, Harry was so exhausted from his performance on stage and off that he collapsed on top of you. He fell asleep there and you didn’t particularly mind. It felt nice to be slightly compressed and held. He shifted in his sleep and when he woke up he wasn’t upset to find you nestled into his side with his arms wrapped around you. After that, cuddling sort of became part of the routine. After you were done having sex, Harry or you would get up to clean up and bring back waters. Then you would settle in his arms. Sometimes in a spooning position and sometimes you cradled softly into his chest. You didn’t talk about it, it just happened.

One night it was your head directly on top of his butterfly tattoo, one leg thrown over his lower torso and your arm snuggly wrapped around his middle. He liked to pet your hair when you laid against his chest in that way. His fingers would fiddle with the strands and you liked it because he usually took off his rings before he would do it and his hands felt so soft and delicate against you. Harry liked the way he felt when he would hold you afterwards. It was calming to fall asleep against your soft skin and feel your fingertips trace lyrics to songs he wasn’t sure the name of against his own.

No one knew about how your friendship with Harry worked. To the rest of the world, you seemed to be someone who had become another close friend in the band. You were similar to Mitch in many respects. Except for when Harry winked at you during a show, it wasn’t a friendly wink, it was a ‘this song makes me horny and I can’t wait to relieve the pressure by fucking you later’ kind of wink. You knew this because Harry had gone over and whispered it in your ear during a quick break, when you had only looked at him weirdly after he did it.

Before the show tonight, you pulled Harry aside, “So what are we thinking tonight? I feel like I might want to ride you...Haven’t been on top in a while.” In the darkness of the backstage, you crane your neck to take Harry’s earlobe between your teeth. He groans softly and grips your hips to guide them against his for a second. “Sounds fuckin’ fantastic, love.” You twitch back, releasing him immediately at the word. You always told him not to call you that and he tried to reason with you, that it was just something he called people. But you disliked it a lot, adding it to the growing list of rules the pair of you had for the do’s and don'ts of being friends with benefits with each other.

“Harold,” you groan and he steps back at that pet name. While he hated this, you refused to let him put it on the list because it didn’t cross any lines with your physical arrangement. Not that there was any physical list to put it on, it was more of a theoretical list that the two of you would speak of occasionally.

“Sorry.” He says eventually, “Didn’t mean it.” You both laugh.

You think about how other relationships were sometimes desperate to hear their partner express their love for them and you believe you’re grateful for the simplicity of your arrangement. The term relationship regarding what you and Harry were doing was also in the ‘don’t’ category on the list. If either of you were being honest, there should be no need for a list and you should be questioning yourselves why you felt the need to set boundaries if one part of it was physical and the other part was your friendship and job. If it truly was just physical why were boundaries constantly needing to be set and followed? But right now honesty was not in the cards.

After the show Harry gets delayed with press or fans or something that you don’t really care about. You barely read the text that he sends, only caring about the ‘sorry got held up’ and the ‘be there in thirty’.

You let yourself into his room and wait on the bed, flipping through your phone, completely unbothered by the rest of the world. When you hear a knock on the door, you don’t think twice about getting up and opening the door. You only realize your terrible mistake when it’s Mitch and not Harry standing at what you’re also just realizing isn’t your door, but instead Harry’s.

“Shit!” you say under your breath as Mitch looks at you confused.

The room is dark behind you because Harry would have just entered and gotten down to business. He might turn on a side lamp, but you hadn’t felt the need to have light on while you waited. Forgetting all of that, you had just gone to the door and opened it.

Mitch tucks some of his hair behind his ear as he stares at you. “Is Harry here?”

“Er..No?” It comes out as a question. You rub the back of your ankle with your foot, feeling nervous.

“Is he actually not here or?” Mitch trails off, narrowing his eyes at you.

“No, no he’s really not here. I’m waiting for him, too.” You rush your words, but try to remain calm.

“You have a key to his room. And you’re waiting in the dark.” He says. They’re not questions and you’re not sure just how guilty you look.

“Yeah!” You try to come up with a non suspicious response, hoping there’s a way to still salvage your’s and Harry’s secret, “He gave me his key because he wanted to talk about something and I kept it dark because my eyes always hurt after shows. Kind of like a migraine.” You scratch at your head and smile, trying to convince Mitch. He seems to believe you as he nods slowly and opens his eyes more.

There’s a little bit of an awkward silence and Mitch shifts his weight between his feet, looking at you still. Just as you're about to invite Mitch to come wait inside with you, Harry steps out of the elevator and begins to walk down the hall. His key card is already in hand and your eyes widen. Harry’s expression mirrors yours when he realizes Mitch is standing outside of his door and that you are standing with him. “Mitch!” Harry says, placing his hand on Mitch’s shoulder and sliding his key card into his back pocket with the other. Mitch turns to Harry without seeing him put away the other key card and you look at the pair of them.

“I was just telling Mitch how you gave me your key card so we could talk about...that thing.” You interject, flicking the lights on in Harry’s room as casually as possible. Harry shoots you a look about how you couldn’t come up with an actual reason for being there. You shrug your shoulders helplessly.

Mitch looks between the two of you and feels some weird tension and he’s not sure if it's always there and he’s just noticing or if something is going on right now.

“Yeah, well, I came to stop by to talk about the riff in Canyon Moon. Something is wonky with it.”

“Oh! Sure,” Harry nods to Mitch and then glances at you, “Y/N, we can talk about that other thing later. It’s not that important anyway.” His tone is so casual and nonchalant. You stare at him, thinking he can’t be serious. You had been almost sure he would send Mitch away, but instead you were being kicked to the curb. When he doesn’t say sike or anything of the sort, you nod. “Okay,” then you mumble a ‘good luck’ with figuring out the problem with the song. Mitch walks in the door, but Harry’s eyes stay fixed on your figure retreating down the hallway. He watches you disappear and is only pulled from his thoughts when Mitch calls his name from the couch in the room.

After reaching your floor, you key into your room and get ready for bed. Just as you’re about to drift off to sleep, completely alone for once in a long time, there’s another knock. This time you check the peephole, a habit you realized you were going to have to get better at. It’s Harry. You open the door and walk away immediately once he’s entered the room.

“Why are you here?”

“Thought we could still...” He follows you into the room, trying to make out your face in the darkness.

“I’m not in the mood anymore.” Your tone gives away your annoyance. You couldn’t hide that you were mad at Harry for sending you away. It made you feel weird. The way he did it so easily made you feel like you were extremely disposable and unwanted.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs as he lays down beside you. You turn to face him when he places a hand on the small of your back. You’re face to face and your noses are almost brushing. It’s not really possible to see each other’s features, but after months of hooking up you knew each other’s faces pretty well. You could reach out and pinpoint all of Harry’s freckles and moles on his face and neck right now and be correct. He could likely do the same. The theory is proven correct when he reaches out and his hand dances down your cheek. “Just thought it would be less suspicious if I didn’t get rid of him. Couldn’t make him wait either…”

“I know,” your voice is small and soft, just above a whisper, “I forgive you.” You scoot closer to him and Harry instinctively wraps his arm around you, bringing you tightly into him. You sigh into his neck and he shivers at your warm breath on his slightly clammy skin. When you lick your lips, they brush lightly against his skin. He laughs at the feeling, so you decide to press an intentional kiss to the hollow in his neck. In response, he presses a kiss to your hairline, his lips slightly chapped after the concert.

The kisses are tender, filled with that thing neither of you dare attribute to anything the two of you did in the dark. The word you told him time and time again to not call you. So is just about every touch and word that has been exchanged in this room since Harry entered it. You fall asleep wrapped up in his arms, a soft smile resting on both of your faces. Neither of you seem to mind that you didn’t actually have sex tonight or anything even close to it.

When you wake up you feel especially well rested. You shift around and realize your bed is empty besides you. It depended on the day, but it was always a toss up between Harry being there when you woke up or not. However, lately, you had found it was usually the former. You would linger longer and so would Harry in each other’s rooms, lounging in each other’s embrace under the soft glow of the morning light peaking through whatever windows the room had. Today you were cold at his absence. Then you look up and realize you aren’t completely alone. Harry is standing at the end of your bed, staring down at his phone, smiling.

“Hey.”

You wait for his reply, but he doesn’t look up from his phone. “Hey, Harold,” you repeat. His head snaps up, a grimace on his face at the name. He slips his phone in his pocket and ruffles his hair. “Hey.” He finally responds. “I’m gonna head out.”

“Okay.”

Neither of you seem to find it necessary to talk about what happened last night. Harry definitely seemed a little off to you this morning, but you try to shake it from your thoughts. There was no reason to be upset with him being quiet. He didn’t owe you anything, you hadn’t even slept together last night, so if anything it was weird he stayed as long as he did.

It was the second night at the Forum in Los Angeles. This means no travelling necessary. No day off either, tomorrow you’d have a day off before the third and final show at the venue though.

Harry and you were talking normally at the venue, mostly about the setlist - him and Mitch had changed something for whatever reason last night, which was fine. Your banter was to a minimum, but you were trying to convince yourself that nothing was off. Even though it felt like something was different, you couldn’t place your finger on what it was, so you thought it was best to ignore it.

When Harry is about to go out on stage, you don’t pull him aside and when he introduces the members of the band to the audience, he doesn’t say anything fun or silly about you. He doesn’t wink or come up to you at any point in the performance. It’s so unusual the rest of your bandmates are giving you funny looks. Charlotte looks at you from across your keyboard in a way that she’s asking if you’re okay. You shake your head at everyone trying to signal that you’re fine.

Mitch goes over to Harry and whispers in his ear to check in with him, Harry looks at him with a bright smile on his face and says “of course, why wouldn’t I be?” Mitch looks between the pair of you, thinking back to last night and how weird the pair of you were being then. Maybe it dawns on him then what might be going on between the two of you, but if he did, he wouldn’t mention it for a long time.

You falter a bit on your back up vocals tonight. You’re trying to give it your all, like always, but for some reason your voice isn’t sounding the way you want it. About halfway through the show, when your voice comes out the exact opposite of how you would like, Harry finally gives you a second glance. His face practically emotionless, save for the single arched brow. He’s concerned, but not concerned enough where he would go over to you. He just doesn’t understand why you keep missing the right note tonight. You make a shake of your hand to say I don’t know either. He just shrugs and turns back around to continue the show, his lively smile returning while he turns his head.

After the show, Charlotte, Sarah, and you are all checking in, going over what had happened during the show in general. They’re both worried about your voice and you’re simply trying to tell them that it was just an off night. Nothing was wrong. As long as you told everyone else that, then it might turn out to be true.

“It’s fine, maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night,” you fib, having gotten more sleep last night than most other nights on this tour. They both nod, seeming to take that as a reasonable answer.

Then Charlotte gets quieter as she whispers to the three of you, “Did you guys notice anything weird with Harry? He was super lively, but he barely interacted with you, Y/N, which is so unlike him...”

Sarah nods while you look skeptically on. Sarah adds, “He kept looking up to the boxes, too. More than usual at least. I don’t know though…” She trails off and you cross your arms over your chest, not really enjoying the conversation topic. “I mean, what do you think, Y/N?” Sarah adds.

Your eyes dance between the two women, your fellow bandmates, your friends. You sometimes wished you could share with them what you were doing with Harry. The secret was fun, but it’s also nice to be able to share with your girlfriends about the guy you’re seeing, even if it is a casual thing. The friendly gossip of it all is something fun to share, but sadly that was another thing you couldn’t do. You sigh, “You never really know what’s going on in his mind, y’know. He’s just Harry.” Your response is half-assed at best. You figure they’ll both give you shit for the non-answer you just supplied, but instead someone else speaks for them.

“I am in fact, just Harry.” He says and you swivel around to find yourself almost chest to chest with him. Charlotte laughs while Sarah simply smiles. Your eyes are huge as you stare up at him and you hope your blush doesn’t come out too strongly after being caught talking about Harry by himself. “Enlighten me on when I was being ‘just Harry’ though?” You bite your lip and take a step back from him, forming more of a line with the other women. He shrugs when no one offers a response, laughing lightly.

“Oh and Y/N, I can’t talk about that thing again tonight, I’ve got-”

“A date?” Charlotte asks, trying to understand why Harry was acting a little different tonight still. The part that Sarah had mentioned about him looking up into the boxes had given her the idea that he might have plans with someone after the show. Harry scratches his head, his hair slightly wet with sweat right after the show. He’s taken off his coat so he’s just in the almost completely unbuttoned, sweat soaked shirt he had been wearing underneath. It sticks tight to his skin and you can make out all the muscle lines that hide beneath the fabric that you usually get to caress. Your eyes flit from his body back to his face when he speaks again.

“Erm, I wasn’t going to phrase it like that...but yes, I suppose, it’s a date.” He says finally, he avoids your eye contact and you look at him very confused, trying to hide the hurt. He shoves his hands in his pockets trying to look and sound as casual as possible and ignore the strain he sees on your face. Is that what had held him up yesterday? Making plans with someone else? And he hadn’t told you until now? The past twenty four hours stung a little bit more now that you knew why Harry was being so distant. It simply felt icky finding out this way and it didn’t even seem like he was going to tell you it was a date.

“Okay,” you say simply and walk away. You hear Charlotte asking him details about his date, but you try actively not to hear any of it. Sarah watches you walk away and sees the way you wrap your arms around yourself to comfort you. She feels a twinge of sadness as she watches the scene unfold, seeing something she hadn’t realized was there before.

Harry doesn’t text or call you that night. You hang out with everyone else for a little while in Charlotte’s room before heading to bed, saying you think you need an early night tonight. Before you’re able to walk out of the door, Mitch stops you. “I heard Harry blew off whatever conversation the two of you have been trying to have again. Just wanted to tell you I’m sorry.” You try to smile but it comes out as more of a grimace. There is no conversation Harry is blowing off, it’s simply you. “It’s fine. Like he said yesterday, it’s not important.” Mitch nods, but still looks at you with concern. What he had seen last night, then on stage today, and what Sarah had told him about your interaction after the show it all strung together in his mind. It didn’t seem unimportant at all. But he didn’t know how he could tell you that. He felt like he should talk to Harry about the way you looked when you left Charlotte’s room tonight, but he didn’t know how to bring it up to him either.

You don’t realize you’re crying until you're in the elevator, and it’s slowly rising to your floor of the hotel. You’re only one level up, but it feels like an eternity in there. You already weren’t a fan of elevators, but this ride felt impossibly worse. The walls are all made up of mirrors and you see yourself in the reflection, but you don’t exactly recognize the girl in there. Your eyes are tired from the show, dark circles already formed. Your hands are aching, clenching and unclenching on their own accord. Your body is slumped against the back wall, likely leaving a slight imprint from the smoke residue and dust on your clothes. Worst of all are the tears running down your face, smudging at your makeup, the black mascara you had applied dripping down in sinister raindrops against your skin. The sad girl stares back at you as you sniffle slightly, confused at what you’re seeing. “Why are you crying?” you ask yourself, your voice creaking and then breaking at the end as you struggle to get out the word ‘crying’ before a sob wracks through you. You roll your eyes when your reflection offers no explanation for itself. You laugh at your own patheticness and try to shake the feelings you’re experiencing.

Inside your room now, you flop on the bed and stare straight up at the ceiling. Your arms spread to your sides and your legs lay limply below you. You think about every night before last, every night since the tour started. Every night where you weren’t alone, where you were with Harry. Your mind flits to last night, how Harry’s lips had ghosted over your skin after his apology. How you had told him you forgave him and it had felt so peaceful, so simple. It was all so easy. Thinking about him and the things the two of you did together brought a smile to your face, unbeknownst to you. When you realize it’s there, your face drops immediately, deciding not to think about Harry.

But trying to not think about Harry makes you only think about him more and what you think about him now most definitely doesn’t bring a smile to your face. You’re thinking about him out on his date with some person you chose to learn nothing about. Maybe out of fear of what is happening right now. By knowing nothing about the person, you can’t compare yourself to them. Can’t see what’s different about them that would make Harry go out on a date with them. But it doesn’t matter who they are or what they look like because at the end of it all you know one thing for certain. They’re not you. You correct yourself, you know two things actually, because you also know that Harry chose to be with them instead of you tonight.

You fall asleep with tear stained cheeks that night and absolutely nothing positive on your mind. You want to sleep but know it only brings whatever is bound to happen tomorrow, which doesn’t seem very promising.

It’s noon when you wake up and you wake to a knocking on your door. You grumble and throw a sweatshirt over your body to hide the underwear you slept in. Not remembering your new habit, you swing the door open without any hesitation to find Harry. He looks wide awake and happy, the way he almost always looks, a fresh beautiful flower of a man. You look at him groggily, “What are you doing here?”

“You weren’t answering your phone.”

“Because I was asleep?” You tilt your head and look at him incredulously. “What about this,” you gesture to your appearance, “looks like I just went for a 3 mile jog for fun and I love the morning?”

“Can I come in?” He ignores everything you just said and enters the room when you leave the door to get back in bed. You often did that with him, you don’t know why, but when he asked to come in the room it was just simpler to let him in then say anything. He knew what you meant.

He sits at the edge of the bed as you reclaim your spot in the middle of it, tucked slightly under the covers, but still sitting up. “How was your date?” You try to sound nonchalant and it seems to work. Harry doesn’t notice your tense figure, but you notice how he tenses up when you ask.

“Good…Her name was-” You don’t let him finish, you already know the answer to this next question and you don’t need her name in order to ask it, “Did you fuck her?”

He’s silent, green eyes staring straight at you. You meet his gaze, your eyes almost burning holes into him. His eyes are begging you to not make him answer the question, he doesn’t want this to end, even if he also didn’t want the commitment he had felt himself exhibiting the other night.

When he had come to your room the other night after Mitch had almost caught you, he knew he shouldn’t have stayed. He didn’t want you to feel bad so he had come to apologize, but when the pair of you didn’t have sex, he should have left. But he didn’t, he stayed and it wasn’t for you, it was for himself. It was for him to hold you in his arms because he liked to. But when he woke up the next morning he knew he needed to leave. Solely cuddling wasn’t part of your arrangement together. It’s probably on the list of don'ts that the pair of you had. So after he realized the line he had willingly crossed with you, he quickly sent a text to Jeff who had tried to set him up with a model they were acquaintances with the night before - the reason he had gotten held up. Harry had initially declined, not very interested in seeing anyone else but you. But looking back on that choice in the light of day seemed to solidify what this relationship was - a relationship - and Harry didn’t like that. The commitment wasn’t part of the plan, so he told Jeff to set that date up for after the second show at the Forum and give the woman a ticket. That’s why he was smiling at his phone the morning after only cuddling with you, that’s why he didn’t joke around with you during the show, and that’s why he wasn’t in your bed last night.

You watch him expectantly, silently waiting for his answer, your veins cold as ice. He finally starts his answer and he wants to make it clear that it wasn’t as good with the other woman, but he’s not sure how to work that part in. He’s not sure how to explain to you it meant nothing if your arrangement also apparently meant nothing. You barely even let him get in a sentence. “Yes, but it was just a one time-”

“Alright.”

“What?” He doesn’t understand what you mean when you nod your head and cut him off.

“I told you at the beginning, Harry. Tell me when you sleep with someone else because when you do this is over. It doesn’t matter if she’s the love of your life or a one night stand. I will not be a backup plan, so if you’re able to find other people to sleep with, you don’t need to be sleeping with me.”

He sits in silence for a moment, his jaw dropped open slightly. He’s unable to keep it shut as his mind races about what to say. “Are you mad with me?”

“No, I’m fine. This was just sex. Charlotte will be happy that I’ll be going out with her more.”

Harry’s brow furrows as you shift away from him on the bed, grabbing your phone and beginning to flick through it. You feel numb and you’d like to not think about why.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asks because he does care about you, worry is written all over his face. He just can’t commit, not now.

“What would I be mad about, Harry?” You look up and your eyes widen at him, silently asking him to truthfully say why you should be so upset about this revelation. You always knew it would eventually come to an end, you just hadn’t expected so soon. You hadn’t known the last time would be the last time and it broke your heart even if you knew it shouldn’t.

He shifts to reach his hand out to touch your exposed knee. You move away from him and he sighs, looking exasperated. “I- I don’t know. It just seems like we should talk about this.”

“You didn’t even think it was necessary to tell me you were going on a date last night, so I think it’s best if we just left it at ‘it’s fine, see you around’.”

He spreads his hands out across the sheets, examining his rings and painted nails thoroughly. You’re right, he doesn’t really want to talk about this. Well, more so, he’s conflicted. He would like to talk enough that you want to continue your arrangement but he doesn’t want to talk about feelings or emotions. Even if he has those feelings and emotions, they’re just not part of the things he’d like to talk about. “But-” You set your phone down at his first word, “Were you even going to tell me you fucked someone else today if Charlotte hadn’t asked you if it was a date last night? Would you just have come to my room tonight and acted like nothing had changed?”

“I would have told you.”

“Sure.”

“I swear I would’ve. I would never break a promise to you.”

“But you would make a decision that affects the both of us without telling me until afterwards?” Your voice breaks a little and you beg yourself not to cry right now.

“I thought you said this was just sex?”

You laugh humorlessly, in disbelief, “Of course it’s not, Harry! And it hasn’t been for a long time and that’s why you got scared and went and fucked someone else.” He looks at you blankly, unsure what to say, knowing you’re right. You continue, “But I also told you at the beginning of this, that I wasn’t going to try to change you. So this is me not trying to change you.” You sigh when he still says nothing, his expression completely unreadable, even to you. “Why couldn’t you have left it at ‘it’s fine’?” You say finally, barely above a whisper.

He blinks a few times after your final question. He flexes his hand one more time and then stands up from the bed. He adjusts his clothes and stares at you. You feel helpless, but you’re still trying to look pulled together, even after your outburst. You stare back. A thousand words floating through your heads, all the things you want to say and likely never will.

“I know, I’m…” he pauses, trying to get himself to say it, but he can’t. He can’t admit that he’s completely ruined whatever messed up paradise you had created together. “I’ll see you later.”

The apology or lack there of hangs in the air as he walks silently out your door. You don’t move, you barely even blink, still staring at the spot he had just occupied. Your breath finally escapes you, a large sigh. Then some nervous laughter. It was over...just like that. But things like this, left like this are never really over.

It’s awkward for a good amount of the rest of the tour. You hang out with your bandmates more and Harry rarely ever comes out with them after the shows. He either hangs out with Mitch on his own or is going out with random people he knows on the road. You and him speak, but it’s never a lot or about anything relatively meaningful. It’s not the fun back and forth of before or the fiery heat of sneaking around. You try to be normal with him, act like his casual friend and bandmate.

He does his best to do the same, but it’s difficult for him. He doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore. He misses being with you, but can’t bring himself to fix it. He doesn’t do much to right his wrongs with you. He also doesn’t even know what he would want if he did apologize. It scared him to think about the step that came after ‘sorry’ so he saved himself the trouble and never did that part either. One night he texts you: “I’m trying, it’s just hard.” and that’s it. You don’t give him a response, he doesn’t need one. You know he’s trying and he knows you know.

Near the end of the tour, he comes out with the rest of you for drinks one night. Only Mitch is between the two of you in the booth, so you feel closer to Harry than you’ve felt in a long time. The group of you are chatting and having a good time. You somehow get onto a story from when you were still in college. You explain how you had narrowly avoided getting Chlamydia right before your Christmas break junior year. You act out the conversations you imagined would have happened at all your Christmas events if you had indeed gotten it. Your impressions of your mother, father, and sister have everyone laughing the most. Harry is shaking with laughter from your story and you smile at him in appreciation when he says, “That is the funniest story I’ve heard in a long fucking time.”

The rest of the night goes really well, for the most part. No one bickers or is short with each other. Everyone is laughing and drinks are flowing. Eventually Mitch gets up to go to the bathroom and you feel Harry slide back into the booth closer to you after letting Mitch out. Your hand had taken up residence next to your thigh, resting on the vinyl of the booth. You sense something next to it now and notice Harry’s hand is resting close beside it. He shifts his hand closer when he sees that you’re looking down at it. He’s almost touching you and you look up to his eyes, wondering if he’ll close the distance. He makes an imperceptible shake of his head, but you know what he means. As you’re about to shift your hand so that your pinky connects with his, Mitch returns and your head shoots up to his figure. You instantly remove your hand from the vinyl and shift closer to Charlotte. Harry gets up, but doesn’t sit back down once Mitch is settled. He instead walks off to get another drink, risking one last look at the table where he makes eye contact with you, but he doesn’t come back. Mitch informs everyone that Harry went back to the hotel because “he was tired” after Harry doesn’t return and Mitch gets a text. You roll your eyes, sure that you saw him slip out of the side door with a woman he found at the bar after he had gotten his drink. If that’s what ‘tired’ looked like on Harry, it was fine.

You start to speak to Harry on a more regular basis after that night out. It’s not funny or lighthearted. It’s just ‘I saw this song the other day, thought you might like to listen’. It went back and forth, it wasn’t everyday but it was something. The last text between the two of you before you began sharing songs again was his ‘I’m trying it’s just hard’ text that he had sent randomly one night. Then after one of you would listen, you would see each other at sound check and mention the song and what you thought about it. It can be noted that it was Harry who sent the first song.

For Harryween, Adam couldn’t be there. He has some family emergency the day of and doesn’t come with the rest of you to Madison Square Garden or the hotel you were staying at. Thankfully, Charlotte also plays keys and you can play bass. The band had to shift around some things on stage and make minimal changes to the setlist since you weren’t rehearsed on the covers Harry was doing. You spent the whole day running through the chords of those songs with Mitch, trying to memorize them so you didn’t mess it up during the show.

It was weird because for Harryween the setlist was switched up a little from the regular set for Love On Tour. Harry was playing the entire new album as well as half of the first album, Medicine, some of his other unreleased stuff, and about six covers, including old One Direction songs. It was going to be a long show and a challenge for you.

Before the show, Harry pulls you aside, to a dark corner backstage, and your mind flits back to the last time you had been in this type of position. The last time he had called you ‘love’, the last time you bit his earlobe - which always drove him crazy, the last time he ground his hips against yours, those and more and you had no idea that it was the last. By then you had already had sex with Harry for the last time, kissed his lips for the last time. It made your heart race to be so close to him and so alone once again. But it’s nowhere near the same as it once was. You shake the memories from your mind and look up expectantly at him.

“Have you got this?” He asks seriously, tone concerned. Of course it’s a music question, nothing more. Like it always was now.

“Yeah, of course.” His stare is unwavering and you try not to falter from it.

“I can get someone else to cover tomorrow, it was just such a short notice today. You know bass really well too, it made sense.”

“I’ve got this. Seriously, don’t worry, Harold.” You pat his chest lightly and for once Harry smiles at the sound of your nickname for him. You had stopped using it after the end of your arrangement. It never felt right to use when you were talking about music, and that was about the only time you had been talking. In this moment though, it felt right. His warm, large hands held your upper arms as you stared up into his big eyes. You missed staring into them, the shimmering emerald of his irises were constantly intriguing. You instinctively reach up to move back a curl that has fallen onto his forehead. He doesn’t shy away from your touch and continues to smile down at you.

“Y’haven’t called me that in forever.” He grins, his lips a shiny pink from the lip balm he had on.

“No, I suppose I haven’t. But where was the groan? The whole point is to annoy you.” You smile coyly. He tips his head back and laughs, releasing your arms from his grasp as he laughs wholeheartedly.

Then he does a soft groan, a playful sound, “How was that?”

“Eh. I’ll give you a four out of ten. Not enough emotion behind it.” You slide from the area the two of you have been occupying and make your way onto the stage to start dealing with the bass you would be playing. You hear Harry call out to you, “I think I deserve at least a five, maybe even a six!” You turn back for a second to look at him with an unimpressed expression and shake your head no. He laughs again and you hear him even when you walk out onto the stage. You smile to yourself as you pick up the bass.

When he introduces the band, he waits to talk about you last. “And sadly this evening Mr. Adam Prentergest, our usual fabulous bassist, was unable to attend our fancy dress party! However! Our lovely Y/N L/N is also a superb bassist and was kind enough to step into his place. - Anything to add?” He saunters across the stage to you and you laugh kindly, feeling at ease in this part of the stage even though you were usually on the opposite side and further back from the crowd. You nod at Harry and he leans his portable mic towards your lips. You wet them quickly and eye Harry before turning out to the crowd. “Just please go easy on me if the bass sounds a bit wonky. It wasn’t on the job description that I’d be playing songs I didn’t know, with a few hours notice, on not my main instrument.” You say this in a kind of list format, holding up your fingers as you tick off all the ways that this was out of your comfort zone. You scratch your head dramatically after you’re finished and the whole crowd laughs and cheers. The rest of your bandmates chuckle along and Harry nods and smiles at you.

“You’ll do great, love.” He leans into your ear and says without the microphone. Then he winks and turns to go back to the center of the stage. You press your lips together to contain your smile, both happy and concerned about the flip your stomach just did.

The show is going great. Harry is killing it with the crowd. Everything is electric. You’re entirely focussed on your bass playing, but Harry has been coming over every so often to do something fun or have you tell a joke.

“She’s truly the funniest person I know! And I know a fair amount of people I think.” Harry says as he walks over to you have you tell another joke. Mitch has been looking at you and Harry interacting all night and he’s sure that it isn’t your different position that has him coming over and talking to you so much tonight. Something has definitely changed once again. First the pair of you were always together and having fun, then it was silence and stolen glances that neither of you realized you were taking, now it was back to the beginning.

“That’s because you think puns are part of the top tier levels of comedy.” You say easily, “Here, I can guarantee Harry will love this and the rest of you will likely groan.” Then you stop and act as if you’re thinking for a little, everyone’s waiting expectantly. “Sorry, thinking...Well, I’ve got some skeleton puns I could do, they’re very humerus or y’know classic vampire ones..eh but those ones kind of suck. What do you think, Harry?” You look out at the crowd, face deadpan, as Harry laughs beside you. You roll your eyes playfully and push him back to the center of the stage. Leaning into your own mic now, you say, “I told you.” That’s when everyone laughs. Harry throws another look at you over his shoulder and laughs a little more, his smile wide and eyes bright.

A little over half way through the night, it’s time for ‘to be so lonely’. You already knew the bass chords for it before today and you were confident in yourself by now. It wasn’t as hard a song so you were happy for the little break. This song allowed you to not be looking down at the notes you had stuck to the floor in front of you. Harry’s voice comes in after Mitch’s intro and you watch the way his lips move against his mic. You laugh a little as you watch the crowd yell the first “arrogant son of a bitch” line. You used to not particularly like when people did that, but after it had ended with Harry you had started to enjoy it a bit more. Having those people yell the words you couldn’t, but truly felt about him sometimes, was cathartic. Tonight you weren’t angry with him, but you enjoyed the energy in the room when everyone said it. We’ve all got our own ‘arrogant son of a bitch’ that we want to scream at sometimes. Tonight yours wasn’t Harry for the first time in a long time. The song moves along and Harry takes the microphone off its stand, he walks towards your side of the stage. When the lyrics get to:

“I miss the shape of your lips, your wit, it’s just a trick, this is it so I’m sorry”

Harry isn’t looking at the crowd, he’s looking straight at you. You don’t understand the way he’s looking at you. Or maybe you don’t want to understand it. This song, its lyrics, explains Harry really well. You saw the relationship you had with him in the words. Maybe not precisely, but a part of it was in it. Harry had unknowingly foretold your lives with his words. You know he has trouble connecting and committing, you know his issues, and you accept them. But you knew what had happened between the two of you was far more serious than meaningless sex and you knew Harry couldn’t bring himself to be that serious. He ran off and that was fine, but the face that he couldn’t even apologize hurt you the most. But the song lays it all out for you, he’s not one to be able to apologize quickly. The fact that he looks at you and means the apology he sings in the song for you, it’s a big step, but it’s not enough. The banter, the technical apology, it was all a good start, but it’s just that - the beginning. If Harry wants to make things better with you, a lot more needs to be discussed. So when you sing backing vocals for the following chorus you mean the words for Harry completely.

“Don’t call me baby again, you got your reasons, I know that you’re trying to be friends. I know you mean it, but don’t call me baby again it’s hard for me to go home and be so lonely”

His eyes flick to you again and see your lips moving around the words as you play the bass. He sees the emotion in your face and understands what you’re saying. It’s hard for you to go to your room at night and be alone while he’s out with someone else. It’s hard for him to act like everything’s all fine and perfect, back to normal, because for you it isn’t really. He can’t call you ‘love’ and tell the world you’re funny and expect it to be enough. He can’t sing his sorry that was initially for someone else to you and expect you to accept it. And he knows it, too.

After the show everyone decides they’re exhausted and need to rest before tomorrow. You all planned to celebrate the whole day and you knew it was going to be a wicked Halloween. Knowing this, you’re surprised with the knock on your door after about an hour of being back at the hotel. You’ve given up the habit you had once hoped to cultivate and swing the door open haplessly. Truly having no idea who to expect, you are still surprised to find the man standing before you.

“Mitch.”

“We need to talk.” He stares down at you, his shoulders slumped from tiredness.

“Come in,” you usher him in when you hear the urgency of his voice. He saunters in before you and you close the door. You move to the small couch in the room and sit down. Your hands gesture for him to sit as well, but he shakes his head. He stays standing and brings a hand up to smooth his hair back on the right side. His eyes staying on the floor and flickering up to you every so often.

“What is going on with you and Harry?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh come on Y/N. You’re seemingly best friends with him for a good portion of tour, then you’re barely on speaking terms for the second half, now you’re joking around again. What is going on?”

You sit there in a stunned silence, “I don’t know what to say.” Your arms go to hug your body, feeling anxious about being confronted about this topic.

“Were you seeing each other?” His voice is soft, eyes taking in your body language and knowing it’s a difficult topic.

“I wouldn’t put it like that…”

He holds back the ‘I knew it’ statement because of how sullen you look, b..ut in his mind all of the pieces he had watched unfold came to fit in a perfect puzzle. He decides to sit beside you when you don’t say anything else.

“We were having sex,” it felt weird to say it out loud, no one but you and Harry had actually known, “But it ended. I don’t know what today was...but it felt different than how it’s been.”

“Why are you so sad if it was just sex?” He places a hand on your shoulder and your tear-filled eyes meet his. “Oh…” He knows why.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” You sob at his apology because he’s not the one who should be at your door apologizing. You sniffle and lean your head into his chest. He takes you into his arms and holds you as your cries become muffled sounds in his shirt.

You cry without words for a few minutes, Mitch coos some soothing words, his voice soft and kind. He was always a good shoulder to cry on for all of your bandmates, he was extremely strong and you made a mental note to thank him thoroughly when you actually were capable of forming coherent thoughts. “I’ve never told anyone before. It feels so weird even saying it out loud,” you say as you pull back from Mitch’s embrace. You're thankful his shirt is black, no tear stains can be made out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks gently, gauging your reaction. You wipe at your eyes and nod.

Taking a deep breath, you decide to start from the beginning. “Do you remember the party Charlotte had a week before we left for tour?”

Mitch nods and his eyes widen at what you’re saying as he remembers the night. “It started back then?” He’s unable to contain his incredulous question. He had suspected something, but hadn’t thought it had been going on for that long. He was truly astounded. You nod, “Well sort of,” then you go on to recount the last couple of months. All the way up until the Forum shows. “That night, when I opened Harry’s door and it was you standing there...Harry and I didn’t have anything to discuss. It was just…” Mitch nods again. He hadn’t spoken much since you had gotten into the story, wanting to let you be in charge of what you were saying and believing he could probably ask questions at the end. “Then the next night he blew me off for his date with that model and I cried in the elevator because I knew what was going to happen next.”

“So that’s when it ended?” Mitch asks when you don’t speak for a rather extended period of time.

“Yeah, the next morning he came over and I asked if they had sex and he said yes so I told him it was over.”

“But I don’t get why he went out with that model. He had told me she wasn’t his type the night before…” Your eyes shot up and looked at Mitch. His eyes widened when he realized what he said.

“What?”

“When we were talking about Canyon Moon, he mentioned that Jeff had tried to set him up with some woman but he had declined. Said he wasn’t interested. I don’t get what changed between then and the next morning.” He figured it was best to put all the cards out on the table right now. You’d be going your separate ways for a while, now that the tour was over and he had seen how unhappy both you and Harry had been over the last part of the tour.

You shift your leg to have it folded beneath you as you continue to stare at Mitch. “He came over after you and him had your meeting,” you say quietly. Mitch hums, waiting for you to continue this time.

“He apologized for choosing you over me to talk to. Then we slept together, but we didn’t have sex...I think that’s what wigged him. It had felt too real, sleeping in the same bed with me without having sex beforehand made it feel like something more than just two people fulfilling needs.” Mitch nods and sighs heavily. He looks around the room and then back to you, taking in your full appearance. Again he feels terrible for you, how he had felt the second night at the Forum even though he hadn’t known the full story yet. “Now we’re here.”

“Tonight, it felt like he was trying,” Mitch finally said and you smiled sweetly, thinking back to Harry’s behavior. No matter how far from him you were, all those good feelings you associated with him never went away.

“Yeah, it’s been getting better. He texted me once saying he was trying. Then he came out with us one night and it almost seemed like that would be the night he’d apologize, but then he didn’t. Then we started sharing music with each other again. Then tonight… was tonight. It’s just confusing. He’s confusing.”

Mitch smiles sadly and brings you in for another hug and you’re actually so thankful he

showed up at your door. It was your first time telling anyone all of this, because Harry didn’t even know how you felt about some of these things. It felt amazing to be heard and to be told it was okay to be feeling like this.

Pulling back, Mitch says, “He’s definitely different. But his differences are what make him special and that’s why I think he clings to them even if they sometimes can hurt other people. The fact that he’s trying is a good sign. I hope he can find it in himself to make it right between you two because I had never seen either of you happier than when you were apparently together. Especially those few weeks leading up to Los Angeles. Sarah had kept asking me why Harry was so smiley back then. When I had asked him, he had just said “have you ever found something and realized you wanted to keep it with you forever?” I had no idea what he had meant, but I feel like he meant you now.”

Your awestruck at what Mitch has just told you. He was right about the first part about Harry trying to change, but the last bit, that’s what had left you speechless. You turn your body to face the rest of the room and put your chin against your hand as you think.

“Mitch...I have to go.”

He understands what you mean and you walk out of the door with him. He walks down the hall to his room and you walk quickly past the elevator and opt for the stairs. Before you know it you’re running up the stairs, taking two at a time even though you’re not the most athletically inclined. You can’t stand to wait for the elevator and your mind is racing.

You knock on the door that is Harry’s after reaching his floor. It swings open and reveals a confused and sleepy Harry. Thankfully he’s still fully dressed because that would have been a whole other problem you would have if he hadn’t been. You push past him and walk straight into his room without any invitation. He follows behind you, still unsure of why you’ve come here.

“Have you ever found something and realized you want to keep it forever?” You ask him, repeating the words Mitch had just told you.

“Pardon?”

“You told Mitch that about me before we ended things. If that’s how you felt, why didn’t you do what you said?”

Harry sighs as the words register in his mind. The memory of when he had smiled at Mitch so giddily and asked the vague question, his thoughts only of you as he asked it. The shit-eating grin he had plastered on his face after Mitch had looked at him confusedly flitted across his mind. As well as the way he had gone to his dressing room and had a quickie with you after that conversation.

“It’s not that simple…”

“It is, Harry! Why can’t you just be honest with me for once?”

“Okay, fine. You want me to be honest?” you nod at his harsh tone. The two of you standing only a few feet apart. “You have no goddamn idea what you do to me, when I’m around you, I have no control of my emotions or of my thoughts. I pushed you away because I didn’t like feeling out of control. I got out because what had started as a fun time had turned into me longing to be with you every waking hour. I found myself not caring what we did as long as I got to hold you and be around you, but that wasn’t part of the plan.”

“Plans can change, Harry.”

You step closer to him and he meets your eyes. He had left his music playing softly on his phone before he had opened the door so now as the two of you stared at each other, he must have been playing his Etta James playlist because her voice faded out of the song “I’d Rather Go Blind” and straight into “A Sunday Kind of Love”. Harry had shared her At Last album with you over the Christmas holiday of last year and you had decided to listen to her entire discography afterwards, so you knew the songs. The transition was a little too on the nose and you wondered if Spotify ever listened to your conversations.

His emerald eyes examine your face and take inventory of your features, measuring whether anything had changed since he had looked at you this close up. Your hand goes up to cup his cheek and he nuzzles into it, dropping his head closer to you ever so slightly and closing his eyes at the feeling of you.

“I am sorry,” he whispers earnestly as he reopens his eyes.

You can’t take your eyes off of him even if you tried. He looks so soft in the moment, so vulnerable in this light as the music swells in the corner of the room. Etta sings about how she needs a love that is going to last as the pair of you inch yourselves closer together.

“I forgive you, Harry,” you whisper back.

He nudges his head further down and your lips finally press together, slotting back together after months apart. Your lips are eager to press back against their favorite companion. You oblige them, but pull back for a second, just far enough to say, “I will always forgive you, so long as you tell me when you’re scared so we can work through it together.”

He nods, “I promise to never let you go again.” Before taking you back against his lips and gathering your body up in his arms. His lips missing yours just as much.

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shoezuki · 3 years

Text

ok so like i been Thinkin a lot on that stream techno had today and i may be Thinkin Too Much cuz i was doing psychology while watching but im going to say Words Now

the entire idea and Plot of tommy going from only interacting/being manipulated by dream to only interacting with techno is a Lot. theres a lot here. and i am feasting like a fucking king on the potential of it and what this could all Mean

I think we’re building up the idea of how techno and dream differ and how they house both similarities and extreme differences in their ideals.

So if we considered how Tommy’s arcs have changed theres a very, VERY clear juxtaposition between the exile arc to.... raccoon arc? whatever the fuck is goin on

Tommy Was manipulated, isolated, and gaslit by dream. that was the only guy he really had interacted with and that was Intentional entirely. Its very obvious this will have and currently has an affect on tommy.

Now, he’s with technoblade. theres a lot of shit that can be read in this simply as considered right now. I feel we’re clearly supposed to at least somehow compare dream and technoblade because their positions are somewhat similar concerning how they are interacting with tommy.

Tommy can only really interact with techno, only techno really has the ability to see him (although ranboo, ghostbur, and phil could see him but theres obvious difficulties in their case), and how tommy regards technoblade is.... complicated. like how he regards dream at the moment.

but theres some really, really important and clear differences in this that i think will show a lot about techno’s character and what’s to come

first of all, there’s a question of why techno is seemingly ‘letting’ tommy live with him. No joke, i’ve discussed this a LOT in the technocord and it’s made me realize it from a different perspective since many of those people in there are from Before techno joined the smp.

so, there’s no clear ‘rational’ reason why techno would benefit from teaming with tommy. there’s some arguments that could be made; tommy’s position with people and especially tubbo, using tommy as a bargaining chip with dream, and something else i cant remember. but the technocord hardcore ppl feel tommy is a liability in the long term. techno doesn’t really have much to gain beyond a distraction. the idea of using tommy in order to convince him he’s getting the disks and then to destroy lmanberg is kinda.... its jus more trouble to techno. In fact, it wouldve been defendable for techno to kick him out; he stole his stuff, and we saw how he reacted to his cows being killed, his previous base being pillaged. You’d have thought techno wouldve been angrier.

but like. that aside. there’s little reason for techno to open up to tommy. and thats the point.

there’s no necessity on techno’s part. he doesnt need tommy. he could kick him out easily. but he won’t.

I imagine technoblade sees the trauma and hardship tommy went through and he sympathizes with him. Its been made clear that techno doesnt know the full extent of what happened, but he doesnt need to. he knows enough.

Now, back to the happenings of the last stream,

it wasnt plot heavy at all. (mostly because techno’s fuckign glasses are held together with SCOTCH TAPE the guy couldnt even fucking use ducttape i hate that) but there were a Few interesting things, including the Plot Stream a bit;

the ‘box’ techno made with the idea of hiding tommy from dream. (perhaps a joke but it still shows something i feel)

how he’s been giving tommy a Lot of stuff. he hasnt Genuinely been upset at his golden apples being taken; in fact, techno gave him more food in protest of him eating all the gapples instead of.... demanding them back

went mining in the nether with the intention of getting tommy better stuff

he replaced the log he accidentally stripped. extremely funny considering he got the wrong type of wood but he tried

expending more resources on tommy with invisibility potions so that he wasnt in danger of being seen

Repeatedly would assure tommy that dream Is Not His Friend.

at the idea of tommy being ‘banned’ from the nether and being attacked in lmanberg, techno laughed at the idea of him being ‘attacked’ and killed even when tommy worried that he’d die for the Last Time

implicated that techno WOULD defend him. and the idea of someone killing Either him or tommy was funny because of that

okay so slight comparison to dream; techno is instead GIVING tommy resources instead of blowing them up, he’s obviously intent on protecting him in some way, and he assures tommy that dream is No Good (rather than how dream was telling tommy no one cared about him)

But there’s one instance that was really, really important to me

the control room had a very bad impact on tommy. most likely a panic attack (the shaking, heavy breathing, scattered speech/thought is something i know so intimately lmao) and techno’s reaction to it was extremely interesting.

first, techno said he was ‘freaking out for no reason’ which could be a) techno is horrific at emotions and vulnerability lmao and b) to Him, it Is nothing. he has no clue what tommy had been through.

He repeatedly asked what was wrong. what had happened in that room. He pressed Slightly. but as soon as tommy said he didnt want to talk about that, techno instantly backed off and said its alright. specifically, he said:

“It’s fine, no one recovers in a day tommy. Healing is a long process, it’s fine.”

that shit hit me like a freight train. Mostly i didnt expect anything to come from this stream like that but FUCK LMAO.

The biggest thing is, i think technoblade is going to help tommy heal from the dream shit and get back on his feet.

but also, even though im not entirely sure i need to see more, tommy will get techno to be more caring. We know philza is the only one techno is really close to, and ghostbur as well. both of which either weren’t involved in betraying techno, or doesnt remember it. i see it pointed out that techno is going at tubbo and his government rather than dream, but i think it makes sense.

dream technically hasnt challenged techno’s ideals or what he wants; while tubbo stole from him, used him as a weapon, and reinstated a government despite everything techno was saying.

Tommy took part in betraying him, thats without a doubt. but tommy was also screwed over by the government in place. so techno empathizes with him. maybe they dont fully trust each other, but thats a work in progress. and it will progress to technoblade trusting tommy despite their past, and realizing that dream is in a position of power over Everyone.

tl:dr: tommy is going to heal with techno’s help and full come to terms with/realize what dream did to him, and techno is going to realize he CAN trust people and that dream has been the one pulling the strings all along

#mcyt #dream smp #technoblade #tommyinnit #long post #THIS IS A LOT OF WORDS I COULD TECHNICALLY SAY MORE BUT #i feel bad putting a MASSIVE wall of text on ppls dash lmoa #like. i could continue on with what their 'alliance' could mean from techno's perspective #because looking now it looks more like tommy is going to 'use' techno again. as a means of getting his discs back #although yeah it kinda is but i think that will change #i want it too #and i want techno to go towards being TRULY anarchist like cmon ur close buddy but not quite #hes got the 'screw the goverment let us people be our own ruling bodies of ourselves' which is right #but the idea of 'the powerful live above all' is NOT right. at all #like its the opposite #but technoblade acknowledges he wasnt really 'that anarchist' and has said in the past he doesnt have like. a specific idealogy #that he follows beyond 'an anarchist'#ok im stopping talking in the tags but technoblade please. please. become a real anarchist cmon

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jennrypan · 3 years

Text

Ok this wont happen but imagine--

During the dumbass wedding-

While its happening. Bens staring out at the crowd, staring at the decorations..just staring. He looks happy, he supposes he feel..happy but then he looks at Mal and he doesnt feel as happy as he should..because hes realizing somethings..missing or something isnt right.

The decorations look too much like Mal, this is suppose to be a union of two people- hes fantasized about his wedding since he was a kid and yeah thinga change but this isnt anything like he thought, he felt like a guest in his own wedding, and he finds himself hesitating.

Theres a lot more he wants to do, yeah his parents got married young and so did almost everyone elses parents in Auradon but why does..he??

He knows he asked her but it feels..strange, because he felt he had to marry her but..hes recalling the events that led to this..he shouldve thought this through, all the problems he had to experience because Mal couldnt..talk it out, because Mal was..selfish, she put her needs before everyones and hes looking out in the crowd again..just a quick glance..

Audreys not there..neither is Uma, Harry or Gil..and he couldnt blame them- they had nothing against him but Mal..they had every right to not wish to attend..to stay away from the event, because even if Mal assumed they would forgive and forget they didnt and he understood why- he wanted so bad to unite everyone but...they had let the major villains in Auradon and all he wanted to do was let in the kids who didnt deserve to suffer for their crimes..sure some villains changed but not all of them, and he tried to explain this..tried to make his concerns known but it was brushed off.

What he wanted was always brushed off by his supposed wife--

So Ben takes a breath..its shakey and hes hesitating again, he looks worried almost as if hes about to be sick and he steps away from the alter as Fairy Godmother begins to speak.

Everyones eyes are on him and hes use to this but for some reason this makes him queasy, makes the pits of his stomach turn, Mals staring at him- visibly confused..everyones confused.

"Ben is something wrong?"

Mal asks, and he just nods.

"I..cant do this." He utters.

And theres surprised gasps from the peanut gallery, shocked murmurs and exclamations.

"What? What do you mean?"

F.G questions and Ben repeats himself..this time firmer,

"I cant do this, I thought I was ready to be married..because thats how we all grew up but..I cant..I dont think Im ready to be king, Im not ready to make decisions that'll just be ignored."

He cant stop that slight tone of bitterness from making its way in his voice..and he sees the way his parents shift..they had been the ones to so readily take Mals side, to turn to her for decision making.

Mals just staring at him as if hes grown two heads.

"Are you under a spell? Ben did Uma-"

She asks and he almost scoffs, almost..the irony wasnt lost on him, but he quickly cuts her off before she could even begin to accuse the young woman that wasnt even here of doing what shes done to him for so long.

"No..Im not under a spell, I can make choices out of the norm without being spelled."

He points out, maybe hes being rude..but hes tired..tired of the expectations and tired of no one ever asking what he thought and how he felt, it was all about Mal and the green and purple of his wedding was a clear sign of that.

Mal had the gall to appear affronted but he continued before he lost the nerve;

"I jumped into this..and I was thinking about this, about us..and we arent good together, I thought we were, I wanted us to be so bad because I loved you, but..I cant tell if that was actually me or just a spell anymore."

Theres more gasps and Mal looks offended,

"I thought you forgave me!"

She exclaims, and he just blinks for minute

"I never said I didnt, look- this right now..All of this! I dont want to do this, I dont want to be forced into something I have no experience in, we're young! Im sorry for all of this..sorry for all the work Evie and Jane put into this..and everyone else, Its very..Mal."

He speaks with a sad smile, and he just steps away, bowing his head- he doesnt know what else to do but he doesnt stick around to be yelled and glared at, the silence is deafening..Ben just leaves.

Goes to be in peace for a while..where no one bothers him..no ones trying to spell him, no ones invalidating his feelings and talking over him..he doesnt realize hes crying until he finds himself wiping away a tear with his sleeve.. All the anxiety finally crashing over him.

He doesnt notice a small group of people slowly approaching him until he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder and he tenses up.

"Hey Ben..its okay."

Evies voice is surprisingly gentle and he quickly snaps his attention towards her-surprised to see her here instead of comforting Mal..though he noticed Jay and Carlos were with her as well..along with Audrey, Uma..Harry and Gil- the sea trio didnt get too close but they were close enough to show they cared and they were in deed worried about him, Audrey gave him a comforting smile which he hesitantly returned.

"What about Mal?"

He asked lowly, even still he was worried about her.

"She stormed off..but I know she'll be fine..we're worried about you now." Evie replies, kneeling down besides him.

"More worried than his parents are."

Uma comments seeming annoyed at Adam and Belles incompetence but Audrey simply nudges her as if to signal now wasnt the time so Uma simply rolls her eyes.

Ben couldnt help but snort at the exchange..decidedly ignoring the jab at his parents..one problem at a time..and he looks back at Evie, then at Carlos and Jay who give him small smiles and without warning Dude wiggled from Carlos grasp, plopping to the floor before immediately walking towards Ben and nuzzling his small head against his arm, tail wagging.

And for once..Ben actually feels at peace..he could tell this wasnt some trick from Mal- they genuinely cared for him..and he found himself sniffling again but this time because he was overwhelming happy.

And they just hug him because he needs to be held and comforted for once with no expectations and no spells.

FIN.

#j.p speaks #j.p headcanons #descendants #anti mal #anti bal #bal wedding #descedants fanfic #prince ben #descedants ben #bevie #if you squint #descendants audrey #uma #harry hook #ben deserves love #and mal needs to take a hike #disney descendants #disney

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atlabeth · 3 years

Text

transferred part 20 - atla smau

part 19 | masterlist | epilogue

summary: trying to run from your past is hard, but falling for your brother’s roommate is even harder. little do you know that he’s falling for you as well.

a/n: me when i have to write more than 5 words in a series thats supposed to be a smau

anywho! basically the last chapter?? which is crazy?? filled with heartfelt emotions and the moment that you've all been waiting for, it's a wild ride. so strap in and enjoy. the epilogue will be posted later today so i can finally wrap this series up!! and dont worry theres a super long sappy authors note on the epilogue. LETS GET INTO IT

wc: 2.3k

warning(s): cursing, mentions of alcohol, hurt/comfort, one suggestive comment, mentions of toxic relationships, reader talking about her self sabotaging behavior and burnout, Bad Coping Methods (dont disappear kids)

“You haven’t seen her?” Zuko sighed as the same words he had heard on repeat for the past hour played through his ears again. “It’s alright, thank you. Have a good night.”

He shook his head at his friends, their defeated expressions mirroring his own as he leaned against the kitchen island. He ran an exhausted hand through his hair, and he couldn’t help but think of the countless times you had done it for him.

“Your sister doesn’t play when it comes to theatrics,” Aang lamented as he plopped on the couch next to Sokka.

“Tell me about it,” he muttered. “I mean, she doesn’t pull stuff like this. Sometimes she went over the top when she was younger, staying out a little too late or doing something stupid, but she never just… she never just tried to disappear like this. I.. I guess she was too worried about Katara and me to do anything like that, but still.” He knocked back the rest of the seltzer and tossed the can on the table — alcohol was tempting, but none of them wanted to be any less than completely aware tonight.

“We all knew she was hurting,” Sokka continued. “Not even she could be fine after everything that happened with Hahn, especially the day after, but I— I guess I thought that she would open up before just dropping off the radar completely!

“No news from the girls,” Aang announced, prompting a collective sigh from the other two boys. “I gotta give it to her, she’s been very thorough with this.”

“Of course she has. It’s classic Y/N — she can disappear without a trace, sure, but she can’t put enough effort into picking up some supplies for my project on her way home.” It was a lame attempt to lighten the mood, and though he got a weak chuckle out of Aang, it was radio silence on Zuko’s part.

“Hey, buddy.” It didn’t snap him out of his reverie, and Sokka seriously contemplated throwing his empty soda can at him. “You okay?”

“She didn’t even say anything to me,” he finally murmured, eyes trained on his phone screen. “She said she would tell me if she was having a hard time, but she didn’t say anything to me. Just suffered in silence until it got so bad she just up and left. She just… left. Without a single word to anyone. To me.”

Aang’s eyes softened and he let out a loose exhale. “Zuko, she didn’t mean to hurt you — I know that much. She’s just been under a lot of stress lately, and… I guess it didn’t manifest in the best way.”

“Stress...” he muttered, trying to piece it together. There was something nagging at the back of his skull, something on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn’t get it. “And you guys are sure she hasn’t put anything anywhere? No texts that you missed, nothing?”

“Believe me,” Sokka said. “I’ve refreshed her pages a thousand times by now. It’s radio silence on her side. God, I wish I was more invasive and put like, a tracking device on her car or something! For all we know, she could be back to Kyoshi.”

Kyoshi. Stress. This whole thing, your disappearing act.

And suddenly, it clicked.

Zuko stood up abruptly, nearly knocking over the stool in the process and warranting puzzled looks from both of his friends as he grabbed his keys off the table and practically ran to the door.

“Zuko, where are you going?” Aang questioned.

He tugged the door open and shot a glance back at them, tension having noticeably dissolved from his shoulders.

“I know where she is.”

Zuko tapped idly against the steering wheel, once again glancing down at his phone screen but to no avail. His relationship with you had become infinitely more complicated since the kiss through fault of both of them — he supposed that was what happened when two people who didn’t know how to talk about their emotions caught feelings for each other. Zuko was very skilled at sticking his foot in his mouth whenever he tried to talk about anything like this, and

But you had accepted his offer to talk on the way home, so that meant something.

He had originally suggested just talking on the way home like he had proposed earlier, but you had a different idea. ‘Trust me,’ you had told him. ‘It has a good track record with making people feel better.’

Your proposition was a wildflower field on the outskirts of the city, just out of the way that someone would go en route to the university. Far enough from the city to emanate an aura of peace, but close enough to be a feasible trip.

“I found this place when I was missing home,” you smiled as he parked the car. “I love it here, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I just feel homesick for Kyoshi. You passed a field like this on the way into town, and when I stumbled here, it just kinda felt like fate. So now whenever I’m stressed, or overwhelmed, or just need a break, I come out here. And I think this is the perfect place to talk about… well, whatever’s going on with us.”

“Sounds good.” He returned the sentiment then cleared his throat. “As long as we don’t go in there. I can admire it from afar, but just looking at that field is making my skin itch.”

You laughed and nodded amiably. “Deal.”

One hand was splayed against your chest, the other trailing lazy circles with the pads of your fingers against the metal as you gazed up at the sky. You had the best and only seat of the view, the flora drifting softly in the night breeze as the stars twinkled from above.

You didn’t know what you were thinking, being here. The past couple of weeks had just been… crushing you. It was like your heart was stuck in a vice and no matter what you did, it just got tighter and tighter.

You had been treating everyone you knew horribly, but you couldn’t stop. It felt like a game — how terribly could you act towards them until they snapped too? Until your friends, your siblings, Zuko, recognized that they had made a mistake by trying to help you?

And you didn’t know what it was about today, but… something inside of you just broke after that morning with your roommates. So you did what you were best at, and you ran. Skipped class, skipped work, just drove around aimlessly until even that was starting to feel like too much of a trap.

And then you ended up here.

It would’ve been laughable if you weren’t on the verge of breaking down.

You had been here, just laying on the hood of your car parked a few feet away from the field on an off road path, for the better part of an hour. If you were going to drown underneath the weight of your thoughts, it was better to do it alone.

But as you heard the crunching of gravel underneath car tires, your eyes instinctively shot towards the noise — so much for being alone — and you sat up. Your brows furrowed in recognition, you knew that car, and it felt like your heart was going to beat out of your chest when Zuko stepped out.

“You remembered,” you breathed after a moment of silence. “You’re here.”

“Always.” He said it so obviously, so easily — why wouldn’t he remember? Why wouldn’t he be here?

You scooted over to make space on the hood and patted the space next to you softly, pulling your knees up to your chest in a moment of shame as he walked around to the front and pushed himself up next to you. What were you going to say to him? What could you say?

“I’m sorry,” you said out of the blue, your words pouring out of you like an emotional waterfall. “I’m sorry for just— for just leaving, I know it was stupid and I know they’re all probably worried out of their minds, but I couldn’t do it, Zuko. I-it was like I was trapped, and I know it was irrational, but I had to get out of there—”

“You didn’t have to,” he said quietly, effectively stopping your rant. “If you really had to get out, you could’ve at least said something to one of us. I don’t know what things were like back at Kyoshi, but here— here, you can’t throw yourself back onto the knife every time something goes wrong, because— you just can’t do that anymore.”

“I’m not mad, believe me, I’m relieved that you’re okay. I just..” he sighed and glanced up at the night sky, the light of the moon illuminating his features as he faced you once more. “I know you’ve felt alone before, but you’re not. You have Katara, and Sokka, Suki, Toph— you have me, Y/N! And I’m not going anywhere, trust me, but— but you can’t keep doing this to yourself, because they care about you, and I care about you.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat and chose to concentrate on the hood of the car, tapping your fingers against the metal as a way to use up your nervous energy. “You’re… you’re right,” you said after a long moment of silence, the beginnings of a mirthless smile on your lips.

“After that night at the party, I just— I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened. There was a part of me that just wanted to lock myself in my room and never come out, but I— I told myself I was better than that, and I refused to let myself fall back onto any of it. So I worked. I took extra shifts, I helped out my professors, I did anything and everything I could to try and keep my mind off of Hahn. But I wasn’t helping anything, I was just… I was destroying myself. It was just like you said. I was a candle burning at both ends but still convinced that I was doing the right thing, and eventually.. I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I ran.”

“And— there’s always been this… this voice in my head that pops up after things in my life are going good, and it tells me that something is going to go wrong. A-and it tells me that if I’m the one that ruins it, then I don’t have to ask myself what I did wrong, if I could’ve stopped it from happening— if it’s inevitable, then I should be the one to ruin it. It’s how most of my relationships ended, and— well, the only thing it’s succeeded in is making me miserable.”

You don’t even notice your hands are shaking until you feel Zuko placing his own over yours — a simple gesture asking an unsaid question, one you answer by intertwining his fingers with your own.

“That same voice popped up again once I started getting close to you,” you admitted quietly. “And this whole time, I’ve been so terrified of falling that I never considered you would catch me. But I’m tired, Zuko. I’m tired of constantly looking over the edge.”

As you turned your head to meet his eyes again, your breath caught in your throat at his close proximity. You were sure that no matter how much time you spent with him, your heart would never stop beating out of your chest for Zuko.

“I will always be there to catch you,” he affirmed softly. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

And just like before, he brought his hand to the side of your face and tenderly brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear. His hand, slightly calloused but emanating comfort all the same, lingered on your cheek for a moment before he posed the question.

“Can I kiss you?”

You nodded, and his lips captured your own immediately. You reciprocated with an almost desperate fervor and— and it just felt so right. You had grown so accustomed to the constant warmth he carried with him that it had become a part of you, he had become a part of you, and now a life without Zuko was just unimaginable.

He was right — he already was there to catch you, each and every time. Giving you endless rides when your car broke down, sitting through the world’s most boring anthro projects, letting you bare your soul to him, telling you it was all going to be okay when nothing felt okay, and managing to find you when you had gone out of your way to not be found. And all of it— it all made you realize.

You didn’t want to keep running. And you didn’t have to. Not anymore.

Zuko pulled away and pressed his forehead to yours, breathing slightly labored as the two of you sat in comfortable silence. That is, until you broke it.

“So,” you started, a nervous chuckle following. “Are we… are we a thing now?”

You could tell that caught him by surprise by the laugh that escaped him, a sound of unfiltered joy. “I’d say that we are.”

You could feel the heat rushing to your cheeks once more as he slid off of the hood of the car and held out his hand, an offering you took happily. “We should get home,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. “It’s past midnight, and—” Zuko glanced at his phone and grimaced. “They’re all still worried out of their minds.”

“Right,” you muttered. “I’m gonna get the lecture of my life from Sokka and Katara.”

“Probably,” he chuckled. “But they’re just doing their job as concerned siblings.” He pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead and glanced back at his own car. “I’ll see you back at the apartment?”

You nodded, an uncontrollable smile pulling at your lips. “Thank you, Zuko. For this, and— for everything.”

He returned the sentiment, golden eyes filled with adoration.

“Always.”

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