#using tumblr posts like my therapist my beloved
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so in my university you can do this neat thing that lets you display your chosen name on the uni's internal channels like uni email, website profile, myuni app, anything as long as it isnt an official legal document like your graduation certificate. so. after four years and with merely one year left of uni (<- me when i lie and severely overestimate my ability to take one years worth of exams in three months) i am doing this thing right cause im going to therapy and learning that i do not have to hide and cower in shame and beg for peoples forgiveness just for existing, you know how it is. right.
so my uni's website is a black hole hostile to any kind of intelligent life form which means that the steps needed in order to Activate this thing are a total fucking mystery. so i ask the Uni** Trans Council and they tell me to go ask this one professor whos basically in charge of the whole thing, which is a pretty normal occurrence in my university bc my university is held together by a pack of toothpicks and a bestemmia. so i have no choice but to email the man and ask him to help me navigate the dark seas of bureaucracy.
(picard voice) now gentlefags. idk how many emails yall have sent in your lives but i have sent one too many emails to uni professors alright. i have trained reflexes. i open up a gmail tab and my fingers are already instinctively typing Gentile Professore. i have completely lost the ability to write an email that doesnt end in Ringraziandola Per La Cortese Attenzione Le Porgo Cordiali Saluti. but this is different. this is me, a humble idiot, going to this guys house and kneeling on his doorstep begging for help, so virtually not that different from what im usually emailing professors for, but this time i can actually CHOOSE. how i sign the email.
i have two options: i either have to sign my email with my deadname, or with my chosen name. not as easy as it sounds.
my deadname is the obvious professional option, bc it's the name thats displayed in my email, the name youll find on the university records, the name youll find on my id. im obviously sick to all hell and back of having to actually SPELL my birth name like write it down myself as opposed to having to hear it passively from all over, which is not as bad as youd think if you dissociate enough, but writing it? thats the ultimate humiliation isnt it? so obviously id want to avoid doing that, but theres also the added factor of sounding kinda stupid - hi, i want a different name displayed on my stuff, but im not gonna tell you that name! hehe :3
on the other hand, though, theres that part of me with the autocompleted signature in the back of my brain that stops me short of just fucking writing "sam" on the email like a normal person. perhaps it's the part of me that says "like the dog in i am legend" when the barista asks me to repeat my name for the third time at pedros (we dont have starbucks here so we had to make our own brand). in any case, i just cant help but perceiving my own chosen name, the one that i am LITERALLY formally asking to have displayed on my account, as something thats a tad too silly to reveal to Any Public Figure. which is ironic bc bestie clearly that therapy is Not working
and btw, no, there is no third option. bc its a formal email and my uni survival instincts would rather stop the nerves in my hands from working before they let me send an unsigned email (unprofessional! youre gonna fail every exam if you do <- REAL innegociable truth of the universe), so my only choice is to die as a hero and never graduate again (because this is OBVIOUSLY what would happen if i broke the unspoken rules of a professional email to a professor whos not even part of my course), or live as a clown and deadname myself (which im used to, cause i Am a clown).
anyway so this is the story of how ive been staring at the unsigned email on my puter for the past five hours. how have yall been doing
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intro post <3
don't mind me editing this like every single day lol
my dm's and askbox is always open if u want to talk <3
anons are welcome too <3
also if u want to make new friends i am right here pls say hi im fucking lonely😭
anyways
BELOVED MOOTS <33333 (everyone is tagging them and this is fun)
this in no particular order just whoever pops up on my dash or smth idk. not every moots just the ones i actually know lol. ok so
@im-ur-sleep-paralysis-demon THEY'RE MY BESTIE I LOVE THEM SM IF U DON'T FUCK OFF BECAUSE OMG KJHLGJKFJHLKYFJHKJGL
@ma-lan13 HELP MY BESTIE IRL GOT TUMBLR OMG OMG. AND SHES ACTUALLY USING IT WTF?????? ANYWAYS SHES THE BEST <333
@bloophasarrived SHE'S THE SWEETEST AND SO WONDERFUL. HER PERSONALITY SPARKLES AND OMG SHE'S SO FUN AHHH
@marylily-my-beloved I LOVE HERRR WE HAVE THE BEST CONVERSATIONS. SO NICE AND EASY TO TALK TO. AND WHY DOES SHE KNOW ME SO WELL <3333
@im-just-here4853 my vent buddy omg we just vent to each other i love her so much idk what i would do without her <33
@im-on-crack-send-help TWINNING IN LITERALLY EVERYTHING. SAME MUSIC TASTE. SAME TASTE IN FOOD. IN DRINKS. IN THE WAY WE THINK. WTF. ANYWAYS SHE'S MY POOKIE I LOVE HER <333
@the-gay-skeleton-in-ur-closet THEY'RE THE BEST OMGGGGG and they're nice and cool and shit <333333 i'm quoting myself it's fine AND LIKE SO NICE AND GOOFY AND EVERYTHING OMG
@cubemagnet somene i met on a random post and now we occasionally team up to correct grammar lol 🤓🤓🤓 anyways she's amazing :D and everything she says is so iconic like isjflsrijglruhglsuglijrsg
@book-girl4eva SHE'S AMAZINGGGGG. IT'S SO EASY TO GOOF AROUND W HER I LOVE IT. SHE ALWAYS SLAYS HARD. EVERYTHING ABOUT HER SLAYS. idk if you'll see this but this is for u pookie <3
@mil-pinterest-sss-here-i-am ??? questioning why we're moots. but he's literally so nice. literally will be my therapist and help me w maths because that shit is impossible 😭
@dandelionflowery omg literally so kind and everything all the time. so fun fun reading their fics and doing shit together omg
@sweetwarmcookies16 omgg klgdhjdlgjlklghj literally so sweet and so fun to talk to. also literally love playing stardew valley (hopefully we get a chance) and minecraft together :D
idk brain isnt braining ill add ppl as i go along
about me
i'm ari. she/her. nicknames welcome. go wild. dude/bro/girl/literally anything is also fine. i use 'lol' and '<3' too much. straight probably idk. and cis. minor. literally the biggest procrastinator and so disorganised. i dare u to find someone worse than me. i'm indian but i live in australia. bengali/punjabi. band kid. pinterest is here. PLEASE DM ME IF U WANT TO. I NEED FRIENDS
personality/star sign or whatever
according to the mbti test here i am an istp-t. i am also a cancer. i found out my sun, moon and rising signs and the marauders version and i wrote it down and lost it so then i redid it and i lost it again so i can't bother at this point someone help me :(
time zone
Australian Eastern Standard Time (AEST) i think??
my music taste
i love taylor swift, conan gray, olivia rodrigo, lana del rey, sabrina carpenter and i'm probably forgetting some. also love bollywood music.
favourite books and authors
i love reading and i'm usually a really fast reader lol. i love harry potter (fuck jkr tho), kotlc, chetan bhagat books, the twisted series, shatter me, simon vs the homo sapiens agenda and love simon, the book thief, the inheritance games, agggtm, all of karen m. mcmanus's books, the divergent series, lorien legacies, the selection, radio silence, solitaire, powerless and a bunch of other books.
dni
idk the usual?? if u think ppl arent valid or you're literally an asshole. honestly you all can go get stuffed. idgaf
tag games and shit
yes you can absolutely tag me. i love tag games and chain asks. sometimes i may not get to doing it but i usually will and it makes me so happy when i'm tagged lol
tags
i don't post that much original stuff so i don't really have mulitple tags for my posts. anything or any shitposting or thoughts will be tagged #ari's shit. for asks it's #ari gets an ask?
fandoms!
i'm literally obsessed with drarry but i'm mostly part of the marauders fandom. i'm starting to make my way through all of the marauders fics. i love love love hermitcraft. i'm an ethogirl literally who doesn't love etho?? also into the life series. and kinda sometimes also empires. i literally love six of crows so much like omg. i love kotlc sm. (team foster-keefe forever!) i'm low-key in love with keefe sencen cause omg.
all the above photos are not mine, i got them off of pintrest.
my profile pic is obviously from the makowka picrew here
the beautiful dividers are linked here. these are by @saradika-graphics she is a literal star these dividers are so good
IK THIS IS LONG SO IF U ACTUALLY READ TO THE BOTTOM THIS HERE IS FOR U ILY <333333
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I have to apologize Chai, because I don't want to use your askbox as a way to talk to morons who don't understand how badly they just doxxed certain people.
The things I deleted off my blog were personal. Things like, selfies, my professional/private accounts, and whatnot. I'm not deleting my internet history or possible kinks because I do not give a fuck. I also changed my Tumblr name entirely and may or may not have stopped liking Chai's posts because I'm afraid of getting doxxed and harassed.
I've had death threats sent to me before in the past for completely unrelated things, and I've had to call the FBI for people stalking me and my boyfriend in the past. Some whackjob thought movies my partner made were "real" and knew our location and said my partner would "star in a real snuff film." I also have author friends who have been stalked and harassed by crazy fans of theirs.
Fun fact! One of my friends received a letter from the BTK Killer years ago from prison saying how he liked my friend's books. I do NOT fuck around with being doxxed and harassed.
You claim that "You're not dragging anyone into this" while you LITERALLY POSTED A SCREENSHOT OF OUR TUMBLR NAMES and said to "sniff around" our accounts for the crime of *checks notes* liking Chai's posts.
I had to call my therapist yesterday because this brought up bad memories, and this fandom has a bad habit of harassing and doxxing people they don't like, all for a creator who doesn't know or care that they exist.
I'm fine now, but I really wish you would take down that screenshot. It's a complete violation of privacy, and none of us, especially Ken (who you keep misgendering by the way), deserve to be harassed.
And we're not roaches. We're human beings with lives and only want to see justice for the people who Viv has hurt. I could give 2 fucks about her shows. I care more about real people. Chai, myself, and tons of others will never stop fighting for the justice that these people deserve.
And Chai? Unless screenshots of you grooming minors or your internet history comes up with real animal dick, I know you're not a pedo or zoo.
But Viv has tons of characters with animal dicks and named her rapist character after her beloved dead cat.... not mention the long history of pedophilia type shit in her work. Berghaus.
Also if you screenshot this to gloat? Make sure you post the whole thing, okay bud?
I'm so over all this shit, man.
They'd better screenshot the whole thing if they're going to. This fandom needs to realize there's a consequence to their playacting.
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good morning beloved mutuals. once again i am using tumblr as my personal dumping grounds for dreams, knick-knacks, obsessive thoughts et cetera. *kissy face*
this time is mostly because i want to remember these dreams so i can give the occasional bone to pick to my therapist (who is really keen on hearing what i dream and walks away disappointed most times because i tend to be unable to remember my dreams. lmao)… also because these dreams have been pretty weird and left me well, not unsettled or uncomfortable but they made me think. (keeping this as short as possible because i have things to do this morning THAT i am forfeiting in favor of writing a tumblr post about Weird Dreams)
okay so! basically. yesterday night i had this dream i only remember one scene of: i was in a park (in my German Erasmus City) and i was cuddling with this guy on a picnic blanket. this guy is a Very Real person some stuff happened with and for whom i ended up getting a fucked up crush on at my lowest in february-march and whose thought made me panicky and sad and want to self-isolate to hell and back. this same guy i ended up seeing during my holiday stint in sicily and the atmosphere between us was GLACIAL… my friends told me he’s got like. super pissed at me because i didn’t come out to say hi before we were leaving German Erasmus City. like we hung out just the two of us a couple times when the others had gone away already and i was always somewhat uncomfortable because the conversation was awkward and i genuinely did not understand why he kept hanging out with me and if he liked my company at all… back then i felt he didn’t behave all that correctly towards me and i still maintain that.
but i’m sorry he was disappointed by the fact i didn’t come out to say goodbye in march. i mean i was probably pissed at him and very depressed and hiding in my room but i’m sorry and i’ve been ruminating ever since my friends told me this… like. text him and tell him. it’s just not my style though. and i don’t think he would take it super well? i wouldn’t even know what to say except i didn’t know it made him feel like it and i’m sorry for it. and so many months have passed and i should just leave it be.
and i dreamt about him yesterday. and my ex boyfriend is coming to town in a matter of days and i am thinking about it, and him, all the time, wondering if i should text him at least to wish him good luck on his phd admission test. which i would gladly do if i wasn’t so afraid of upsetting him by showing up. and i thought that maybe i could just pop by the uni and wish him good luck in person. but then again i wouldn’t want to spring on him like that. and if i don’t text him at all i am going to feel bad anyway because it’s been ages since the last time i saw him and the mere thought makes me want to cry.
tonight i dreamt about the other guy again. last night’s dream surprised me because it was so sweet and tender and i didn’t expect to want that so much - intimacy and silence and being held. and my brain, my subconscious decided to assign him that part? like… i have my ex on my mind most of the time nowadays and he’s like the most plausible pick for tenderness but no. it seems like i can’t even bring myself to face him in the dreamscape. back then, right before everything happened, i used to dream about him all the time.
and in tonight’s dream i was somewhere, in a house with a terrace/garden (like my friend’s sicilian villa) with my friends. he gets there, and instead of acting cold like it actually happened in reality, he takes me by the hand without saying a word and he drags me to the end of the terrace and we just kiss. and there was desire (if you huh. know what i mean. it feels cringe writing it but basically he was… making me feel it) but mostly tenderness.
and then the dream kind of degenerated into a complicated storyline like… buses to take in my city… the same guy, or perhaps another person, transitioning (and i conjured this very articulated monologue by this trans woman who at this point was a different person entirely who still had ties with my erasmus friends… she was talking about freedom of expression and how freeing it was to go to the cinema before the rise of the internet??)… also this party on the beach with my erasmus friend that ended like. really late at night. and i went home, somehow had nicolas maupas there of all people, my parents coming home in the middle of the night and having to shoo him out… also missing a plane to valle d’aosta because i had booked a flight for that same night but with the party and all i forgot, and having these thoughts about when to reschedule the flight… it was all pretty weird.
well. this turned out longer than anticipated but i had fun procrastinating revising catullus 68. i hope you had fun reading about my dreams and real life drama lmao. kissies to all of you mutuals
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Before you i thought i was alone in how crazy i was over my special person. I thought i was the only one that felt this way about someone. But i see your posts about your beloved and how insane you are, and how you stalk him its comforting in a way because now i know that im not alone in what i feel.
I get so crazy over my darling love and sometimes its a lot, i get violent whenever he talks about his boyfriend, it drives me crazy because whenever his boyfriend hurts him im the one to pick up his pieces and put him back together, IM the one that loves him. im insane about him, i would kill and die for him. I swear that we are soul tied. we were meant to be together, we were made for each other.
Me and my love have even promised that if one of us dies that the other will die and find the other in the afterlife. We've sworn to end up together in every life and to spend eternity together <3
but anyways, i appreciate that you put your emotions and thoughts out in the world like you have been, its helped me not feel so bad and alone about my insane thoughts and emotions.
(p.s. you're like actually so sweet, you're such a lovely being)
AHHHH I WILL CRY REAL TEARS RN!
🥺 im so glad i can have this affect on people.
i made a yancore tumblr because like everywhere else i had to be alone in my insanity. there is only so many times you can point at a crazy character and tell your friend "thats me :3" before they get suspisous.
i wanted to talk to like minded people who loved too hard and too social unacceptable. i do wanna stalk my love and i love how hes toxic back and i want us to die together and nobody understood.
you tell a therapist and then send you to a looney bin. you tell your friends and they leave.
i wont judge your for being insane. i welcome you crazies with open arms. and imma keep posting my insanity. if you ever feel like your too much i welcome you to look at me and know it could be alot worse.
hope you and your beloved make it anon! get that persons soul!
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I wonder what it says about a person* when their COMFORT ‘Go-To-When-Feeling-Shitty’ show is a fucking post-apocalyptic drama series that rips your heart out every fucking week and leaves you in shambles and sobbing on the floor for five (six in 24 hours) weeks straight! (Probably a field day for therapists!)
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* me, A PERSON is me
I did NOT expect this. NOT ONE FUCKING BIT!
I mean, I very often trust my Twitter (and Tumblr) when it comes to new stuff, new shows, new films. And I very often check them out - not always when they come out, but often enough (especially when MY shows are on hiatus don’t have an airdate yet).
And the hype was/is HUGE. I do understand that. Taking something that’s so beloved is always tough to get right. So people will love it WHEN they do.
So yeah, I did see the promos and the tweets and since it’s one of the very few shows that are on SKY here at the same time as in the US, I was like, why the hell not.
Monday’s are my day off, so I didn’t think much when I hit ‘play’ on the first episode of The Last Of Us on it’s first day!!!
I knew shit about it, NEVER played the game, and never heard about it before the show started to gain buzz.
Watched the first episode and was like ‘okay, yeah, looks okay enough, maybe a TAD too close to home these days, but hey, we made it more or less so lets see how they fare’
Watched the second one. Did a rewatch of the first one to better understand it. Impressed with how it was made, and I knew I would be sticking with it - if only because it was something to watch on Monday mornings/noons.
And then the third episode came out.
OH BOY!!
I had an INKLING, maybe like wishful thinking when Bill fished Frank out of the hole. But I’m also too traumatized by too many shows to have actual HOPE of a queer episode. I full on expected the usual: some looks, some touches, some ‘im not queer’ excuses when the person is clearly interested/horny.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (And again, this all would give a therapist a fucking FIELD DAY with everyone!)
That was the most beautifully written/executed episode since ‘You wear fine things well’!!! I’ve lost count of the rewatches, and I will root for every fucking award show that episode will be nominated for (yes, the rest deserves some love as well but THIS ONE IS THE FUCKING PINNACLE OF EPISODES!)
After that I started listening to the podcasts going with the show. (I NEVER do that!)
E4 came out and I fell a little more in love with Ellie and Joel - I can’t even say what it was: his NEED to protect her, her softening up beside him…
I just knew it was soo different from what I expected from a show/pairing like that. Easier, maybe? Them opening up (sort of) to each other without all the usual tropes of prying it from their cold hearts and rigid souls?
And then Joel laughs. He tries soo very hard not to, but he can’t help himself. (Sidenote: I was curious as to how they translated that particular pun into German - they didn’t. They used a different one that (naturally) wasn’t as funny as the original one).
It’s dark, it’s scary, it’s not safe. And he lies there in the dark, giggling with all he has about a stupid PUN. Oh my heart (Hell, I'm grinning TYPING this, just thinking about it so yeah…)
Safe to say: I was HOOKED!
(also: EYE CRINKLES. That man has laughed A LOT in his life, and it shows. I leave it up to you whether i mean Joel or Pedro!)
And then there was the sniper scene in E5!!!
ARGH!!! I don’t even know why, but I fucking LOVE that scene soooo freaking much!!!
Ellie, among all those Infected, KNOWING that Joel will have her back after only knowing him for a few days (?).
Joel, watching her like a hawk, not wasting ammunition and only taking out anyone that comes too close to HER!
Her BLIND trust that he watches over her and takes care of her.
His laser focus on HER, not caring what happens to him, the deep NEED to protect her.
GUH!!! If I could give out awards for spectacular SCENES, this 10, 15 minutes would get ALL THE FUCKING AWARDS!!!
So yeah. Now Im sitting here, on this grey, wet Sunday morning, about 14 hours away from episode 6, eagerly awaiting to get my heart ripped out AGAIN, typing away the things I feel about a fucking VIDEO GAME ADAPTATION SHOW!!!
*shakes head at self*
(That happens when MY shows go on hiatus - I fall in love with all the GREAT NEW SHIT that HBO puts out! Soo soo happy that they already got a second season so no need to worry about that! Still miffed that OFMD had to wait and worry for soo long. Ah well.)
And since it’s me, and I don’t do shit by halves, I'm also falling in love with the cast.
Yes, mainly with Pedro because DUH. Have you seen the man’s interviews? His SNL epicness? THAT SMILE??!?! I dare you NOT get all giggly and gooey when he starts cackling out of the blue about his own silly jokes! And I'm not even trying to resist, it's too damn late for that anyways! He's too fucking charming, and these days anything that brightens my days is very welcome!
The love and adoration he has for Bella is adorable. Their chemistry is insane. She’s soo young and yet so mature, and he treats her like an equal which is amazing.
And I can't wait to watch ALL THE INTERVIEWS running up to the show. I’ve got lots of catching up to do.
(I’ve also listened to a few podcasts already, and DAMN, he’s another DAMN GOOD EGG. Humble and funny, VERY down do Earth despite the (quiet) success he’s been having for YEARS now! I’ve been making a list with all the things I need to watch… and I’ve seen him in soo many things already. Just never really noticed. *sighs heavily*
Silly silly me!
POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD
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(Im also slightly [read: HORRIBLY SO] terrified because once you get into the show, you also get spoilers from the game -it’s unavoidable- and even though i do NOT know for sure (and won’t actively look for it) I fear for his fate. I KNOW they deviated before with Bill and Frank, and they may do it again with others, so I still have hopes, but the bits I’ve seen… well.
And i will prepare myself for the worst - just in case. Not that it’ll help much but I can lie to myself for as long as necessary.)
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SPOILERS DONE!
So yeah.
You know the drill by now: New Obsession coming up.
Tags will be on posts so feel free to blacklist.
Or join in. It’ll be heartbreaking and terrifying, beautiful and shocking, and I cannot wait for the last 4 episodes to drop. We’re in for a damn wild ride, so buckle up!!!
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Haha anxiety go brrr but uh you said it was okay to tag ya so @the-enchanted-archivist
Me finally posting on this Tumblr account that I've used just for the art and x reader stuff
And of course it's art of me simping so hard for a blue cheese man that I've started to hyperfixate on him and accounts that give me that juicy coloniser content
Another self insert added to my hoard of them that I use to desperately try and get over trauma/j
And I uh made a doodle page because I am hardcore hyperfixating.
Thing of her head while sleeping is if he made themself a palisman, it's a Manticore. She lives to be the (whitte)bane of everyone's existence. Oh uh they are 5'5 but where shoes that make them 5'7. Love shoes that add a few inches, helps make you feel more superior.
Also funny thing, seeing my therapist tomorrow! No clue what we're gonna talk about, I'll figure it the morning of like always.
I love that fandub so much💖
Uh but definitely expect more from me because currently drawing beloved but it's getting late and I really wanted to just post already
So get ready for having to deal with me for awhile, I legit can't thing of anything else ATM. Brain empty and only Belos who I hate and love, your account make brain happy
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This excellent essay was posted by @goodbyedandelion and reposted on Instagram—however their account sadly seems gone now. But it is in rememberence of their Tumblr spirit that I post a continuation to their essay!
EVEN MORE Reasons Why Carry On is so groundbreaking as a YA Fantasy/Romance
Misconceptions/Character Complexity
A large topic in YA Contemporary is gossip, but I feel like fantasy doesn’t touch on this as much. Think of how others perceive one another in Carry On. Early on we learn that Simon, for example, saw Penny as different because of her race. But of course, we quickly know this isn’t true.
But what about Agatha? In Harry Potter, for example, Lavender Brown and other feminine characters are often looked down upon because of their femininity. We often as a culture perceive beauty as overcompensation for what’s inside. Sometimes Agatha is looked at in the same light in Carry On, but when we see things from her POV, we realize that Agatha is perhaps the smartest one there. Maybe she’s not Penny Bunce-smart, but she has the survival instincts that Penny lacks.
Agatha isn’t the only one. Baz looks cold and unfeeling from others’ POVs, but we quickly learn that he is a boy with a soft heart that’s been hardened by his past. Everyone thinks he cares about nothing but we know he cares about his mother and how she’d feel about him; his father and step-mother and siblings; Simon, of course; Bunce, in his own way; he even cares about flowered suits and dramatic entrances! We think Bunce is nerdy and perhaps annoying, but we learn she’s very sweet and like a mother to Simon. And the mage. Ugh, the mage. We think he cares about Simon but we learn that for every bit he cares about Simon, he cares about the war more.
Rowell doesn’t allow any character to be simple, stereotypical, or as they appear. My sister, for example, was saying that Baz sounded like a stereotypical gay man in the media. But he’s not, is he? He might love fashion but Rowell does not make him simple or stereotypical. Everyone is so complex, and she uses the multi-POV to not just show us their complexity but also the complexity of how they are viewed by others.
Woman on Woman Drama/Anger
For years and years, only one woman was allowed to have a true seat at the table in films. Take Indiana Jones, the original Avengers, and Star Wars for example. This woman was often made to be the sex appeal or romantic interest, but I’ll save that for another day. Because of there only being one spot, it set a precedent that women in media needed to fight with each other to take that spot, thus depriving us of women getting along!
At first, I was worried Rowell had fallen into this trap. Bunce thinks Agatha is simple and too feminine, Agatha thinks Bunce is a major pain in the ass. Their dislike for one another is complicated in that they’re essentially two different types of feminism battling it out, and half of their fight was about Simon and their roles in his life.
But in the end, Penny and Agatha create a relationship that exists outside of their relationship with Simon. Penny sees Agatha’s strength and resilience; Agatha recognizes Penny’s harsh exterior for what is is. When Agatha moves away, they text without his even knowing. Penny is the one that decides they need to check on and save her. In the end, penny and Agatha fight alongside one another.
Rowell didn’t just give us a feminine friendship—she showed us what we’ve been doing, and how to get from Point A to point B. I think it’s the most underrated part of the series.
True Friendship
It might sound bad, but I truly believe a lot of today’s media ruins the idea of friendship. I just feel like none of the portrayals are realistic. Friends are either joined at the hip and have never fought (toxic) or never get along (also toxic). The fact that Baz and Penny and Simon and Penny and Agatha and Penny can get into fights but still continue to love one another platonically is really heartwarming to me.
Trauma/Mental Illness
I remember getting to the end of Harry Potter and thinking “he went through all of that and we’re just supposed to leave him now?” We see some remnants in the most cursed play ever: The Cursed Child. But more than trauma we see someone who looks back on the days they risked their life everyday with *longing.* While that’s about the most Harry Potter thing Harry Potter has ever done (and the most canonical part of that play) it’s so unrealistic. You’re telling me Harry grew up with nothing and was an amazing father—minus a few spats with his son. You’re telling me Harry was able to hold it together emotionally after fighting for his life from ages 11-18 without a therapists help? You’re telling me Harry lost two father figures in the ministry of magic AND spent 7 years going through what amounted to a lesson titled “the government is corrupt” just to be a part of that government!?
Wayward son isn’t like that. Wayward Son shows us what happened to Simon afterwards, and it’s not peaches and cream. He had therapy, he quit therapy. A lot of us have been Simon on that couch, and we all needed the Baz in our life to drag us across a metaphorical America. Wayward Son is hands-down my favorite book. Realistic depictions of mental illness, check. Subverting our expectations of after the end, check. Reading it feels like taking a road trip, check.
As OP mentioned, Simon is a beloved chosen one because he’s just so wrong for the role. He’s not levelheaded where he should be, he’s bold in all the wrong places, he couldn’t possibly maintain a professional relationship with the coven. Meanwhile his super-hot enemy Baz was the absolute perfect choice to be chosen, but he was completely passed over. And part of this chalks up to how Simon became so powerful—fate isn’t twisting its whims this way and that. Simon is only chosen because he was a Petri dish experiment-gone-wrong baby. When Simon asks the fates why, really he should be asking the mage. There’s something delightful about the fact that Simon was made. The chosen one was made, and in the same process, so was the greatest threat.
De-escalation
I think it’s clear by now that Carry On is a great book, Simon Snow is an amazing series, and Rainbow Rowell sure can write. But I feel the need to point out that the end of Carry On wasn’t well-received by everyone. I recommend the series to everyone I know and some people are really disappointed you don’t get a big magical battle at the end. Some people think Simon filling in the humdrum was a cop out. But I disagree. I felt it was thrilling to witness a book where war was as stupid in fantasy land as it can be in real life. This is the first fantasy I’ve ever read where they find a better way to handle conflict than senseless fighting. It’s emotionally rewarding, to me, to see de-escalation. To see conflicts fixed before they start to be huge problems. It was a risky choice for an end, you have to admit. But Rowell pulls it off amazingly.
Nothing is Wrapped in a Bow
A day will never go by without me thinking about the fact that Simon Snow Salisbury doesn’t know who his parents are. Or how Baz will never know what exactly happened with his mother—whether she really ended herself to avoid vampirism and whether she would’ve done it to her too. We’ll never even quite understand the mage’s plan behind fix the humdrum and get an all powerful boy wizard on his side. Rowell doesn’t wrap everything up. She gives you closure as often as she gives you something to ponder. The ending of Harry Potter was so controversial, I think, because it spelled out so clearly much of what was happening. And what you didn’t learn in that epilogue, Rowling released later through Pottermore and interviews. That’s fine and dandy—but there’s something to be said for ending Simon Snow’s books with questions. Not infuriating questions but rather things that I’ll always ponder—that will shed new light on different situations depending on how I look at them. Rowell sets a precedent that you can fill in Simon’s world with your imagination while also reminding us that life doesn’t have endings. Not really, the way books to. Rowell is one of the few writers of today’s fantasy, I’d argue, who’s okay letting things go unanswered. There’s always a thread of fantasy and magic going. It’s something that will keep Simon alive in my heart for many, many years to come.
So yeah, that’s what I think about when I think about Simon Snow. It’s not nearly as coherent as the original post but I hope you enjoy it.
#carry on rainbow rowell#simon snow#simon snow series#baz grimm pitch#carry on#simon snow salisbury#baz#any way the wind blows#baz pitch supremacy#co/ws#simon snow supremacy#penny#penny bunce#shepard from omaha#shepard#agatha wellbelove#fiona pitch#lucy salisbury#awtwb#carry on wayward son#wayward son
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Marona’s Fantastic Tale (2019) AU where the dog lives and others are happier. Idea bounced with @mushrium a few weeks back; details under cut.
Yes, I am aware that hardly anyone knows of this movie (but maybe more’ll know it now due to the streamer albeit even then this is unlikely to be a proper fandom, maybe, maybe not). Doesn’t matter. This now exists for archiving purposes.
First and foremost: Spoilers abound, don’t seek further if you don’t want them by any means - with that said, also good luck if you aren’t aware of what the movie is but I’ll do my best to give some context as necessary. (Post-edit: No clarification. Very sorry.)
See also: The movie is not for everyone but it can be appreciated artistically for its fluidity and variety of styles. There is also a lot of symbolism and the dog narrator is impeccable. I love Nine. I love her, I do.
Okay! Here we go.
Recall the [Lost Dog Sign] that is posted some scenes after Nine (protagonist, dog) left Manole (red and yellow, acrobat entertainer) and she’s picked up by Istvan beloved (Tumblr nose, big guy). Istvan may be driving and potentially distracted; however, he absolutely sees that sign. And it doesn’t quite click, not yet. He’s worried about his mother, his wife, himself, this dog. Dog... Dog! This doesn’t register until he’s arrived at his ill mother’s home. That dog on the wanted sign looks eerily like the one he just picked up... and come to think of it, it did seem well cared for...
So he fudges around, figures out what the number is.
An answer. And with one thing leading to another, Istvan figured that this guy is sincere: He loves this dog much like he does. (But he believed that Manole loved her more, deserved her more, and it isn’t likely he can bring her quite anywhere...) So. They meet up. Guy really is nice, but Istvan can see it - the acrobat’s nerves are a bit shot after all that worrying and desperation to find this dog again. Ana (dog), was it? (There was an inkling that he should call her Sara but Ana is also quite the nice name. It’s fine. And thank goodness, that he did not name her, since goodbyes would be worse.)
They part, and that is that. Istvan checked on his mother, returned to his choking snake of a wife (yellow skin ostritch, black fluff); Manole reobtained his beloved boy (girl, he knows), managed to get a contract that allowed him to work with her in the La Circe (???) troupe thingamabob since it was either them or nothing. Both of these two keep in touch with each other as Istvan is worried and, admittedly, attached to the dog after those moments in the dumps viva la his loneliness. Plus Manole’s a fun personality. He’s considered going to see one of his acts, once, but his wife’s a bit overbearing.
A bit overbearing, as in a time skip occurs and he still had yet to leave her toxic self, nor could he bear to see his mother but still stuck it through.
Come to think of it though. Manole is obviously happy, and so is the dog. He can’t recall a moment with his wife recently where he felt... happy, sincerely. Perhaps in the past, when he’d strum his guitar and skate around - free and without the exhaustion of judgment and micromanagement? He deserved better. There’s just no right timing, though, as he can’t find the motivation to work himself up and tell his wife they need a divorce for both of their own sakes.
And then his wife gave him the ultimatum: Her, or that stupid acrobat with the dog and his mother.
Well, well. Fine. He doesn’t need to pack much, and he doesn’t need to say anything. He’s rearing to go. The wife? Cocky. All until she realized quite quickly that he was serious, dead serious, and she begged and pleaded and smothered herself all over him trying to get him to obey her every whim just like before. That it was a joke, an act, a test to see where he would be really happy but she needed him and who else would indulge her needs and fluff up her ego with the beefcake of a man?
Too bad! He’s gone, but he’s also an incredible mess and it was incredibly short-notice and maybe he should’ve thought things out better, but he’s free. He’s never felt so relieved. It’s quite cold, dark, and alone, but everything seems so much more colorful and bright now but also he really should find a place to say and strangely, his immediate thought is to call up Manole -- but he’s asleep, isn’t he? Or working? He shouldn’t bother him, he should go to his mother. But...
He called. Decided that if he did not get an answer, he would let him know another time (never, really). And nobody picked up. So as he’s ready to drive out, he gets a call: It’s Manole. He picked up, and he heard the groggy-confused voice of an acrobat ringing out with the delightful barks of Ana in the background to give him the image that oh, she must have woken him up, and oh, he’s smiling. They chat for the night. As in. They meet up again, and the two take a quiet stroll out with Ana, and Istvan gets to vent, tell his story. (His little audience is quite expressive too, he noted. Loose red strings of disbelief and high-pitched barking. Dramatic flailing of arms, a growl.)
In the end, they have to rest. Manole and Ana depart (with Manole insisting that they continue their little interactions and that Istvan finally comes to one of his showings, he swore he’d make it worthwhile - Ana agreeing in her little pip), and Istvan is home. A home of memories. Bad, good, but a place that made him nevertheless and he supposed... he should probably go to that therapist Manole recommended. He gave his word that she was fine; she had helped him back then, too, when things were dire.
Solange was her name. And oh, she was understanding - the best, at least for his circumstances. He revealed his feelings, and she helped him through most of it - enough that he was in better shape than before. Enough that he can lift his head high even with his impressive stature. But - he did ask, out of polite curiosity. What was it that made her want to be a therapist?
And it was an easy answer, the way she’d told it. A deadbeat father, a single mother with a cat and her father - her own grandfather. She had been... rebellious, in a sense, and she was a menace to her family. They had financial issues, relationship issues, the works. It was only until they’d discovered the (grand)father dead that things really started to change. Viva la insurance money, they were able to handle most of the debt and loans. She felt more inclined to... help, seeing as how badly-shapen her mother was, mourning and all. And during that - she realized it was something she wanted to pursue wholeheartedly.
Overall, they’re happy. Istvan and Manole eventually get together (after a long amount of time, only when Istvan was ready to open himself up again - easier, when he’d started acting as accompaniment as (a tech) crew and occasional musical act in the streets and they realized how well they clicked). Ana thrives (with a few other secret nicknames that the others gave to her; well. She doesn’t mind.) Solange occasionally helped out in using her artistic skills with some of the advertisements.
They’re all comfortable. They’re living.
That is all.
SUMMARY:
・[Overall] The canon diverges with Istvan actually noticing and recognizing the missing dog poster Manole put up. Manole and Ana are reunited. Istvan eventually divorces his wife and gets therapy from Solange, and Istvan is later friends (or more than that, ah-heem) with Manole.
・[Manole] Acrobat for that dreamy circus, but with a dog.
・[Ana] Dog! Beloved! Living! Happy! SO Happy. Maybe gets to meet her old litter of siblings again.
・[Istvan] No more toxic wife that tries to control and restrain him with false affections and silly desires built on creating a dumb image! Musical fun time! Also lifts and flexes.
・[Solange] On good terms with mother now! Grandpa is deader than dead but it’s for the better, promise. Insurance money and her mother made her realize she’d wanted to be a therapist. Occasionally does art for Manole’s circus thing.
No I did not proofread this. I do not care. I have self love, and this is, in fact, indulgent.
#[ watched it a second time earlier ahehe ]#[ ''I bet there's an au about this!'' -> The fandom does not exist therefore no. The AU doesn't. ]#[ (hashes out a whole verse after the movie like clowns) :handshake: ]#mushrium
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I posted 354 times in 2021
55 posts created (16%)
299 posts reblogged (84%)
For every post I created, I reblogged 5.4 posts.
Top 3 People
@dualfuel
@nonobadcat
@leportraitducadavre
I added 79 tags in 2021
#bnha - 19 posts
#bnha meta - 14 posts
#shigaraki tomura - 13 posts
#mha - 11 posts
#shigaraki tomura my beloved - 6 posts
#lady nagant - 4 posts
#real life meta - 4 posts
#all for one - 3 posts
#midoriya izuku - 3 posts
#dad for one - 2 posts
Longest Tag: 102 characters
#who can't recognize the radical problems even when it's their own narrative staring right back at them
My Top Posts in 2021
#5
This is the last thing you see before your wedding gets blown up.
43 notes • Posted 2021-09-30 05:24:53 GMT
#4
My thoughts on how Bones can improve the MVA Arc
One, Shigaraki Tomura needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Shigaraki Tomura is not on screen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Shigaraki"? Thr--
49 notes • Posted 2021-08-12 06:31:20 GMT
#3
Obito’s Ostracism
I think it’s very telling that it’s not the Uchiha who are shown degrading Obito for his lack of Sharingan. Why would they? The Uchiha rite of passage is the Grand Fireball jutsu, which he could cast. The Sharingan is not a universally activated characteristic; the clan wouldn’t consider its lack shameful (unless my Madara theory below is true, but even then it would likely be expected, yet its lack would still be not shameful). It’s a person like Kakashi, who likely thinks of Obito’s worth in terms of his military value to the village, who insults him on that basis.
Then why is Obito considered the black sheep among his clan? Two theories:
He’s disliked for the same reasons that Naruto was: he never studied, was annoying, was late, etc. The Uchiha clan was a proud clan + discriminated against & desperate to not let their status slip further. In this scenario, he’s not only not living up to the values of his society, but casting a negative light on his clan.
He’s the direct descendant of Uchiha Madara and is being ostracized on that basis. In the cave, when Madara tells Obito of his identity, Obito’s response is very specific and telling (”The Uchiha Madara of my ancestor?” = his ancestor, not just of his clan). Keep in mind that the Uchiha are a diverse ethnic group, not just a clan (Shisui and Sasuke could be first cousins, or they could have only a single common ancestor in Indra), so Madara being referred to as his direct ancestor is interesting.
52 notes • Posted 2021-06-13 18:37:05 GMT
#2
Do you think Lady Nagant's arm grew as she did? Like, it manifested as a peashooter, was a bolt action during puberty, and is now a .50 cal?
55 notes • Posted 2021-10-10 14:56:19 GMT
#1
A Personal Gripe
Less Dad for One fics/tropes and more good Shigaraki-centric stuff, IMO. The guy is exactly what Sasuke was to the Naruto manga (the narrative only exists because of him, he drives the plot almost single-handedly, he encapsulates almost every relevant theme of the manga, etc (oh, and he gets ridiculous hate from nowhere)) and yet ... and yet the amount of fics with a decent portrayal of him that aren’t also E-rated Tomura/Reader smut is criminally low.
Dad for One smacks of the legions of ‘BAMF Haruno Sakura’ Naruto fanfics that tried to make her interesting/relevant in a major way ... but ended up giving her Sasuke’s backstory/motivations/intrigue/personality etc etc in some way, while also being ridiculously uncharitable to the male antagonist they’re aping in the first place. Midoriya Izuku is a standard Happy Warrior Therapist trope, relatively fewer manga themes are reflected in him, and those that are get handled much worse in comparison to the villains (quirklessness, maladaptive quirks, the pressures of a mentor/father figure, etc). I want to hear much less about the guy! Tomura is standing right there! Ready to be used!
511 notes • Posted 2021-07-27 04:00:02 GMT
Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →
#my 2021 tumblr year in review#your tumblr year in review#only started in september#mostly posting this for my Top Posts
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hey so I don't usually like to spread negativity relating to anything other than my personal life on my Tumblr, and idk if I should judge a show before watching it but my therapist said me using 'shoulds' all the time is contributing for my mental illness so y'know what, I'll judge a show as much as I please before watching it because I fucking feel like it
I'm like. So mad at the Loki show.
I don't even know what it is about it??? Is it that the character doesn't seem recognizable to me in his current iteration? Is it that the time travel/alternate universes plot sounds so fucking shark-jumpy and bottom-barrel-scraping, out of all the possible stories you could tell about a character? Am I being petty that after mostly moving on from my once-beloved fandom, I can now never return to it again because (if I do ever make the trek back) it will now have a landscape full of Variants and Sylkis and Lobiuses and whatever the fuck is out there now, akin to walking on an alien landscape? Is it another agonizing reminder that I can never be fully Up To Date with anything culturally, no matter how much I wish I could? Am I just in the tired-of-this-on-my-blog-feed stage of observing a cycle of fandom hype?
Probably a bit of all of those, and me just turning into a curmudgeon more and more each passing day. But fuck it.
(And don't even get me started on Thor 4. I'm resolutely shoving those not-happy feelings into a shoebox and burying them under a pile of old sweatshirts in my closet, thank you very much)
I'm just. Not having a good time. For some reason I wanted to tell this little corner of the internet about it. Please scroll past this post, it's not worth reading
#personal#in which kitcat doesnt like much of anything at the moment#and takes it out on the recent target of her ennui
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you keep complaining that alex, kelly, and nia don't have storylines and i don't mean to sound rude or anything i'm genuinely curious what you would have them do?
Well, I wouldn’t really consider it “complaining” since it’s just stating a fact about supposed series regulars (and Alex supposedly being the #2 star). But to answer you question, here’s what I’d do if I had control over 5b:
Alex: I would still have Alex leave the DEO, since it’s under Lex’s thumb. She’d join J’onn in his PI stuff for a bit while she’s trying to find her footing, but after an episode Alex would realize that 1. being an alien PI is more J’onn’s passion 2. it doesn’t quite pay the bills 3. she needs something more stable and with healthcare benefits if she’s going to adopt (yes, I would actually remember that plotline). So, Alex would decide to try going back to her roots in the science field. She would attend a bio-med convention looking for a job opening at a lab and run into Lena (who is less unhinged in my version of post-Crisis, yet still emotionally at odds with Kara). Their conversation would start out filled with tension, but one of them would crack a joke about how Lex ruling this Earth sucks and Alex would reveal that she quit her DEO job. As a peace offering and show of goodwill, Lena would offer Alex a job in her own R&D labs at LuthorCorp, a branch that Lex doesn’t have a part in. Alex would agree, initially using the job to keep an eye on Lena (and have some steady income), but would slowly start to see how Lena isn’t evil, she’s just deeply hurting. Lena even allows Alex to work on technology for Supergirl, since they don’t have the DEO’s resources anymore. By the end of the season, they’d be working together on some cool biotech that helps Supergirl defeat Leviathan. Throughout the season, Alex would still team up with Supergirl when needed, J’onn would have still given her that cool Martian weapon, and she’d play a key role during the final Leviathan battle. Additionally, she’d end the season on a happy note with Kelly, finding out that an adoption is finally coming through. They’d celebrate together and Kelly, a little tipsy, would say something like “I can’t wait to raise a kid with you,” implying that we may see a Dansen engagement/wedding in season 6.
Kelly: After Crisis, Alex would have updated Kelly on everything that went down between Kara and Lena. Kelly, being the compassionate, smart therapist that she is, would immediately think “Lena isn’t a villain. That woman needs help.” At first, Alex would be against Kelly going to visit Lena, causing some tension, trying to give Kelly the same head vs. heart talk she gave Kara. But Kelly would say that it’s her job as a therapist and friend to use both her head and heart (side note: technically it’s against APA code of ethics to give therapy to friends, family, etc., but this is a show with aliens that suspends disbelief, so screw the APA for this situation). Kelly would show Lena the genuine kindness she’s been lacking. They’d work through some of Lena’s childhood trauma and then Kara’s double identities, eventually bringing Kara into a session when Lena’s ready (this would all be during the phase where Alex worked for Lena but still didn’t trust her). Meanwhile, Kelly would still be working at Obsidian, but would interact with Andrea a little more, tying in that plot line. Kelly would still find the lens glitch and she’d continue working there, despite the Superfriends realizing that something is wrong, either due to Leviathan or Lex. It would cause more tension between Kelly and Alex in an episode, but ending with some of their great healthy communication and Alex’s confidence that Kelly is smart and strong enough to protect herself. During the final Leviathan battle, Kelly would be at Dreamer’s side, using the Gaurdian shield to help protect civilians, but not donning the full Guardian outfit because that’s not what she wants (yet?).
Nia: She’d be investigating Leviathan with Kara. William’s story would’ve been wrapped up in 5a, because...well it literally was wrapped up (now he only exists to scream “LEX DID IT” 24/7 and effectively distract Team Super from Leviathan). So we’d see Nia grow as a reporter and continue the mentor/mentee relationship with Kara. As Dreamer, she would continue to improve her powers, driven not just by her desire to be a hero, but also by her guilt for her inability to see Crisis coming. Talking through some of that guilt would be a great chance for her to bond with Kelly on an emotional level, and bond with Kara on a superhero level, letting Nia know that they’re all just doing the best they can and no hero is perfect. Nia would want to help Supergirl be ready for any huge future threats (i.e. Leviathan), yet while practicing, she’d still be slightly distracted by her feelings for Brainy and at one point she’d accidentally discover what he’s been up to with Lex. Nia would struggle with what to do: does she alert Supergirl? Does she confront him? Does she try to pry further with her dream energy and figure out why? But whatever she chooses, it would connect the Lex-Leviathan-Supergirl plot in a much better way and would actually utilize a powerful hero who’s been missing for no reason. We’d also see her bond more with Kelly and the Danvers sisters during a girls night, and her 5x15 episode would 100% still happen because that was important af. Nia would end the season as a more powerful and beloved hero, an accomplished journalist (publishing a piece on Leviathan with Kara), and attempting to reconnect with a very apologetic Brainy.
So that’s my outline of what I’d do with Alex, Kelly, and Nia this season. But hey, I’m just a random person on tumblr who wrote this in maybe 15min. I’m not a professional tv producer so what do I know?🤷♀️
#obviously i have a lot to say about lena too. but apparently I don't 'complain' about her enough lmao.#alex danvers#kelly olsen#nia nal#supergirl analysis#asks
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Why Bucky Barnes Isn’t Damaged Goods, Take Two
Since tumblr is a big ol butthead and ate my first post on the subject, and I apparently write essays on Bucky Barnes for fun, here is take two on why Bucky Barnes isn’t damaged goods. Why should I care enough to spend another several hours re-writing this? Because it is not ok to call survivors of traumatic events damaged. Period. End of story. It was a lousy choice of words that could easily be misinterpreted, and I would have been willing to leave it at that, if the writers and directors didn’t keep talking and digging that hole a little deeper. So...here we go. Again. I’m on my soapbox and the view is great.
In less than an hour of screen time over seven films, the Marvel Cinematic Universe gave us a complex, beloved character that walks the line between victim and villain with a murder-strut swagger. Bucky Barnes is as lonesome and dangerous as he is charming and sarcastic. Many fans have fallen in love or seen themselves reflected in Bucky’s trials and triumphs; he’s truly an awesome, multi-faceted character, but unfortunately, fans seem to be of the few who realize this.
Recent comments made by both MCU directors and writers regarding Bucky’s mental state have…bothered me and I thought, well, let’s examine the evidence that Bucky is damaged, shall we?
Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional; I have PTSD and use these strategies myself, but nothing I’ve written should preclude you from seeking a professional opinion if you need it. Talking with a therapist about my PTSD helped me get light years ahead in terms of recovery. Whatever path you choose, take care of you.
What is PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it.
Does Bucky Barnes have PTSD?
By definition, Bucky has experienced or witnessed the following traumatic events:
WWII. Bucky served as an active soldier during WWII, in the trenches and on the battlefields. He was a distinguished sniper and a Sergeant, which means he witnessed and contributed to the war effort to an even further degree. Many soldiers had “battle fatigue” or “shell shock” during the war; it is not unlikely that Bucky would have experienced this from WWII alone if he had survived and returned home.
Prisoner of War. Bucky was captured and tortured as a prisoner of war, not once, but twice. He was experimented on in his time in Azzano, before he was captured again by Zola/Hydra.
The Fall. Bucky shouldn’t have survived the fall from the train in the Alps. He watched as Steve tried to save him and failed, and he was cognizant as he fell to his presumed death and as he was then captured.
Disability. As established in flashback scenes, Bucky was conscious when he fell from the train and as he was being pulled through the snow by his captors (who he may have assumed were saviors at that point, double ouch). He woke up to his arm being removed and replaced. This kind of permanent change to his body would be difficult enough to work through in a peaceful recovery environment. We know that Bucky didn’t get that luxury.
Hydra/The Winter Soldier decades. The cryochamber. Being strapped to a table and experimented on. The chair. Having no control over your own mind or body. Being forced to murder; being trapped in a continuous war. This torture lasted for 70 years.
Civil War. Free from Hydra, Bucky is trying to live the good life, keep his head down, and stay out of trouble. Then boom, he’s blamed for a bombing that kills how many people? And he’s right in the middle of Tony and Steve’s fallout? Oh, and he loses his arm, again? And then he willingly goes back into cryofreeze? Ok. That’s like 16 traumatic events in the space of 24-48 hours, also known as Bucky Barnes and the No Good Very Bad Day.
Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 1. Just as Bucky gets to the point where he’s living the good live and recovering from the trauma that has been pretty much his entire life, Thanos shows up, and Bucky is off to another battlefield. Then, he dies. Sort of. Again. How many times is this now?
Battle Against Thanos and The Snapture, Part 2. Bucky gets unsnapped and has approximately two seconds of “yay!” before he is again fighting on a battlefield for his life and the lives of those he cares about and oh, for the entire world.
A common thread here is that all of these traumatic experiences included a near brush with death or a near constant threat to his person. We don’t even really know the extent of the trauma Bucky endured when he was captured by Hydra. Regardless, I just listed eight different traumatic events that Bucky has experienced or witnessed. I think, yes, it’s safe to say that poor Bucky has PTSD, big-time.
So, is Bucky Barnes damaged?
No. Bucky Barnes is an individual who have survived more than his fair share of traumatic events, and as such, his brain has had to compensate for how he thinks, processes, and responds to stimuli. He does, at one point, suffer from literal brain damage from the chair, but we are shown in Black Panther that Shuri has healed the physical damage to his brain.
If Bucky experienced permanent damage from his trauma, he would be incapable of living his life. Literally. If he suffered from PTSD and did not actively try to take measures to cope with it, he would not be able to function; his brain wouldn’t let him. (In my opinion, he still would not be “damaged” because people with mental health issues are still people who deserve respect and shouldn’t be talked about like feral animals, but hey, moving past ableist language is apparently too much to ask and I digress).
Anyways, my point is that Bucky is not only aware of his condition, but actively takes steps to treat it, therefore, he cannot be of a damaged mind. And I’m gonna prove it.
Bucky Barnes: PTSD Symptoms and Coping Strategies
Bucky exhibits both positive and negative coping strategies throughout the films as his journey to recovery progresses, sometimes back to back, which is a great, realistic choice, because it shows that recovery is not linear.
Avoidance
Avoidance occurs when a person avoids thoughts or feelings about a traumatic event; it can interfere with emotional recovery and healing and is a common reaction to trauma.
The first step in treating any illness is recognizing the need for treatment. In Captain America: The First Avenger we see Bucky actively avoid recognizing his trauma after being rescued from Azzano. He’s putting on a strong face in the name of avoidance (“Let’s hear it for Captain America!”) but he’s also suffering.
Source: https://cogentranting.tumblr.com/post/174225812218/comic-bucky-phdna-bluandorange-edgebug
There’s an additional scene in this film that, while played for laughs and parallels between Bucky and Steve, has always meant more to me. When the Howlies are all gathered in a bar, drinking, laughing, and having a good time, Bucky is by himself in the back room (avoiding friends) where it’s quiet (avoiding loud disturbances that could rock him) and he can keep an eye on his surroundings (being overly alert). His uniform is disheveled and he’s lost that cocky Sergeant Barnes signature look. When Peggy walks in and completely ignores him, this is Bucky’s reaction:
Source: https://steviebarnes.tumblr.com/post/181821865007/steve-little-shit-rogers
I don’t think Bucky was exaggerating here. Everything he’s been through lately is a horrible dream. We don’t talk about this scene enough in terms of how it shows Bucky’s vulnerability; it’s really the first hint we have that Bucky has lost a part of himself during this war.
Engaging in Dangerous Behavior/Overworking
In Captain America: The First Avenger, we witness Bucky deploying a negative coping strategy for the first time: over dedication to his work that suggests he’s overcompensating as a way of avoiding thinking about his trauma. Engaging in reckless or dangerous behavior also is a symptom of PTSD. Bucky continuously experiences new stressful situations, which ultimately will extend his healing time. For example, he willingly goes on a mission to capture Zola, the man who strapped him to a lab table and pumped him full of knock-off super soldier serum. Seeing the doctor again would be enough to trigger Bucky into an episode but he goes anyways because his dedication to the mission is more important to him than his mental stability.
Source: https://n-barnes.tumblr.com/post/170542194046/bucky-with-the-guns
Now, this is still an active war zone. The necessity of the Howling Commando missions to win the war means that Bucky doesn’t really have time to process what’s happened to him; he’s incapable of coping in a healthy way at this point and charging forward, continuing to work, is the only way he knows how to survive.
Bucky has a bad habit of not avoiding his triggers when he feels the mission is more important than his mental health. A common theme throughout every film is that Bucky is put into one dangerous situation right after another, usually immediately following a five minute breather.
In Captain America: The Winter Soldier, we see glimpses of Bucky Winter being pulled in and out of cryofreeze, placed on mission after mission. The one time we begin to see that there’s more to Winter than they’d have us believe is when Bucky’s memories surface for a hot minute in the bank vault. He has about 30 seconds of downtime where he’s aware and then…wipe him. Back on the mission to kill Captain America. Everything about his time as the Winter Soldier was dangerous; it’s not like Hydra really cared about his physical or mental health. All those years of trauma and overworking probably crashed down on Bucky, hard, the moment he was in control of his own mind again and able to rest. And his brain was in physical shambles on top of it. Poor Bucky.
Source: https://mishasteaparty.tumblr.com/post/93678343244/prep-him
Similarly, in Captain America: Civil War, we get this amazing scene:
Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest
And another in Avengers: Infinity War:
Source: https://mackievanstan.tumblr.com/post/176453875698/let-him-rest
Once again, Bucky keeps getting thrown back into the middle of a fight when he needs to be resting. This is a very, very bad idea. Super bad. Could really fuck with Bucky’s mental health permanently, bad. This is pretty much the definition of overworking to a detrimental degree.
But what I really love about his reactions in both of these scenes is that he knows exactly how poor of an idea it is. He knows continuing to fight isn’t good for him and he’s exhausted. He goes willingly anyways, but he has this amazing control over himself at this point. Every single fight could have Bucky experiencing an episode and losing himself to the trauma; he doesn’t. (To be fair, I think this is what the Russos were hinting at but they could have worded it so much better). Bucky could have walked away. He could have surrendered in Bucharest, he could have hidden in Wakanda. He fought anyways.
This shows just how complex Bucky’s PTSD really is and how well he’s coping with it: he’s engaging in dangerous behaviors which could trigger him, but he’s doing so with awareness and self-actualization. He’s got a handle on himself. These coping behaviors directly contradict the Russos’ statement that you “don’t want to give another weapon to that guy, it could end up being used the wrong way.” With the exception of being literally triggered with the Winter Soldier code words (which are no longer a threat because good job, Shuri), Bucky fights the good fight every single time. He doesn’t go rogue. He doesn’t lose himself.
Yeah, if that doesn’t make him a hero, I don’t know what further proof I can provide, because he does this in literally every single film.
Active Coping
Active coping means accepting the impact of trauma on your life, taking direct action to improve things, and creating habits that help you respond to everyday life in a positive manner. Avoiding triggers - people, places, anniversaries, or other reminders of the traumatic event - can be a healthy coping strategy.
The first time we see Bucky take a step toward positive active coping is in Captain America: The Winter Soldier:
Source: https://thatpleasantnightmare.tumblr.com/post/147118407198
Bucky just escaped being a prisoner, was injured in a gruesome fight with his best friend, and is now on the run. What’s one of the first things he does? Research. More than that, in this scene, Bucky is clean, in civilian clothing of his choosing, and appears to have treated his injuries from the fight on the carriers. His eyes are clear and although he is in a public (read: dangerous) setting, he’s aware of his surroundings, has a calm grip on reality, and is processing information. This is Bucky taking the first step to actively reclaiming his identity. This is when we see him begin to heal and he’s doing it on his own. He’s on step one of learning to actively cope: accepting the impact of the trauma on your life.
Bucky continues to exhibit positive coping strategies on his own as time moves forward, as we see in Captain America: Civil War. By the time we meet up with Bucky in Romania, he’s already taken direct action to improve his situation. When we first see Bucky, he’s at a local market, smiling and engaging in conversation with a vendor while he buys produce. He looks good; is physically fit, is practicing hygiene, and is in clean clothes that protect his identity.
Source: https://buckybgrnes.tumblr.com/post/174829011372
I love this scene and specifically the way Sebastian played it, because we see Bucky exhibit positive and negative coping strategies nearly back to back. As he’s trying for normal, he’s also hyper aware of his surroundings, unwilling to let his guard down. He’s scanning for anything that could trigger him or endanger his health, but he is aware. Staying alert and on guard is a classic symptom of PTSD.
Source: https://kittyseb.tumblr.com/post/144559460240/this-whole-scene-of-bucky-on-the-streets-of
However, we have to understand that Bucky’s situation requires this sort of hyper vigilance. He’s a wanted man, both by Hydra and the CIA, and he’s actively being hunted. So although Bucky is displaying a classic symptom of PTSD, what we see here is him deploying a positive strategy for coping. By staying aware to his surroundings, he’s protecting himself. This is opposite to the kind of harmful behavior we should expect from him at this point in his recovery. He’s by himself, without any support, and has to look over his shoulder every block to make sure that he’s safe. Extreme hyper vigilance would show being Bucky afraid to leave his apartment altogether. Again, while he is suffering and displaying symptoms of active post traumatic stress, he’s also actively coping by taking direct action to improve his circumstances and creating habits that improve his daily life.
Through the entirety of the Romania scene in Captain America: Civil War, we catch glimpses of other healthy habits and positive coping strategies Bucky has developed.
Practicing Mindfulness
One really great blink-and-you-miss-it detail from the film is the existence of Bucky’s journals. As Steve goes through Bucky’s stuff (really, Steve?), you see him pick up a journal from the top of Bucky’s fridge. Inside are notes, memories, and references, categorized and marked by tabs. This is one of my favorite examples of Bucky using another strategy for coping with PTSD: mindfulness.
Source: a shitty screenshot I took from the movie.
Mindfulness: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Mindfulness may help people get back in touch with the present moment, as well as reduce the extent with which they feel controlled by unpleasant thoughts and memories.
This is an extremely positive practice for Bucky, because at this point in the films, he’s still suffering from brain damage and memory loss. We see several examples of Bucky shaking his head, blinking, and losing himself to possible memories throughout the films. Journaling, as a way to capture those memories, categorize them, and begin rebuilding a timeline of his life, can help Bucky identify his triggers, work through episodes, and ultimately distinguish between past memories and the present, enabling him to regain control of his mind.
Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle
When Bucky appears on screen, we see that he’s physically fit and obviously taking care of himself. We can assume that during his time as the Winter Soldier, Hydra kept Bucky in peak physical condition in order to succeed in every mission. Whether that was through training, supplements, drugs, the super soldier serum, etc., we don’t know. We don’t see Bucky continuing this training, but we do see the results of it. He’s capable of fighting, obviously maintaining his strength, and he’s able to run away.
Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation
We also witness Bucky making healthy choices in terms of food. He’s got energy/protein bars in his apartment, snacks readily available, pots and pans which would imply he has been cooking, and even a thermos to keep himself hydrated. He’s doing his best to maintain his physical health, which in and of itself is a very positive coping method. He could be depressed, lost in his own mind, never getting out of bed. But Bucky wants to survive, he wants to be better, and so he takes care of himself. This is a good thing.
If you haven’t seen it, please read this post about Bucky’s apartment, because it hits on so many great points about how Bucky is taking care of himself.
Recognizing and Avoiding Triggers
Now for as many positive steps Bucky has taken to actively cope with having PTSD, he’s got awful luck when it comes to avoiding his triggers. It’s two steps forward, one step back, every time.
At the beginning of Captain America: Civil War, Bucky is trying his damndest to avoid being caught. But stupid Zemo has other plans.
Look, it’s hard for me to describe what happens next in the film. The way that Sebastian played these scenes will never not give me chills. We get an up close and personal view of Bucky’s PTSD in ways we’ve only caught glimpses of up until now; I don’t know what Sebastian researched in order to create this performance, but it is so spot on that it’s difficult to watch. I wish he got more credit for his acting and it’s a damn waste that he only had 30 seconds of screen time in subsequent movies. *sigh*
Anyways...
We see the acceptance and the fear in Bucky’s eyes as the CIA takes him into custody. He’s maintaining his composure, more than he should be capable of doing at this point, and he’s also letting himself slip into a safe zone (“I don’t want to talk about it.”). Until Zemo begins reading the trigger words.
Source: https://cvssian.tumblr.com/
Good grief, y’all. Look at him struggling. Bucky literally tried to fight his way out of being triggered, but he failed. Every fear he’s had for the past several years is happening. He’s losing control of his mind, of everything he’s worked so hard for up to this point. I don’t want to look too far into this as a commentary on Bucky’s character, because I don’t think the writers meant for it to be the deep - it serves more as a plot point to get us to the war part of Civil War - but if you stop and examine it for just a second, this scene is an absolute outrage. I can’t believe this happened to Bucky’s mind. They turned him into a weapon, again. They stripped him of years of hard work and recovery.
Source: https://brolinjosh.tumblr.com/
Thankfully - thankfully - one quick hit to the head later, and Bucky’s back. Not only is he aware of his surroundings, he’s cognizant enough to try playing dumb to Sam and Steve at first. I like the conversation that takes place between Bucky and Steve here, because Bucky was smart enough to give Steve exactly what he needed to hear to prove that Bucky was no longer a threat. We don’t talk about Bucky’s raw intelligence enough, likely because we’re always talking about his grief, and this scene gives us one of the rare moments in the film where we get to witness Bucky strategizing. He was just triggered, his brain is mush, he just lost control of himself, and then immediately after, he’s back on mission. We’re back to avoidance/no time to process. Bucky tucks being triggered as Winter into his back pocket to be dealt with on another day.
Remember how I said Bucky keeps getting thrown into fights, one after another? Guess what.
Source: https://captaincentenarian.tumblr.com/post/149852437382/bucky-running-majestic-hair-appreciation
There are a lot of significant, interesting parallels happening between Captain America: The First Avenger and Captain America: Civil War. The plot goes like this: Bucky was captured and actively tortured; Steve rescued him; they have no time to discuss what’s just happened and deal with it; and then Bucky is forced into another fight before he’s ready.
We can draw a lot of comparisons between the Howlies and Team Cap here and I wish that they had made the effort to explore this more in the film. This is the first time Bucky and Steve are fighting on the same team again since the war. Bucky is following Steve’s lead, even though he doesn’t know the people he’s fighting with/against, and he’s doing it because it’s for the greater good. They have to stop the other winter soldiers; the mission always comes first.
The biggest difference between the two films - and Bucky’s current state of mind - is that in The First Avenger, Bucky was actively avoiding recognizing his trauma after very similar events occurred, and in Civil War, not only does Bucky acknowledge what happened to him, we get this very poignant scene that’s both beautiful and devastating:
Source: https://bifelicitys.tumblr.com/post/182734674220/what-you-did-all-those-years-it-wasnt-you-you
This is a healthy outlook of acceptance and Bucky arrived there with nearly no outside assistance up to this point. This man has been through hell and back in the past 24 hours, on top of a hundred years of tragedy, and instead of breaking down as any reasonable person would, he fights. He has a long way to go in his recovery, but look how far he’s gotten on his own. And this is before Shuri’s help. Bucky’s willpower, tenacity, and depth of character never ceases to amaze me.
This is especially true with what happens next. You know how I said Bucky has awful luck in avoiding his triggers? Well...does walking back into the base of your own free volition where you were held prisoner and tortured for decades, count as maybe, oh I dunno, an event that should be avoided at all costs?
I’m being sarcastic but the depth of this moment shouldn’t be overlooked. Bucky going back to Siberia after everything he’s been through is a huge step backwards for his recovery. Siberia is crawling with triggers, from the threat of the other soldiers, to the cryo chambers, to the chair that wiped his memories and turned him into the Winter Soldier. The amount of bravery it took for Bucky Barnes to walk back into this place can’t be measured. He’s looking his history dead in the eyes with a shaky finger on a trigger and the fact that he doesn’t crack is astounding.
But then...this happens.
Source: https://tonystark.co/post/165333715841/buckys-facial-expressions-as-tonys-watches-the
I can barely stand to watch this because we are seeing Bucky actively having a PTSD episode. As the tape plays, Bucky is dissociating; he’s not there in the room with Steve and Tony, he’s back on the country road where he killed the Starks. The fear and the tears in his eyes, the recognition of what’s playing on the tape, and the knowledge of what’s about to happen are too much. His reaction here shows that he’s barely in control. He immediately responds to Tony lunging at him by raising his gun, an instinctive response, only to lower his weapon seconds later because of the acceptance of what he’s done. This is brutal and heartbreaking and very real.
It gets worse.
Source: https://itsawkwardfanboi.tumblr.com/post/176703555531/breaks-my-heart-seeing-him-about-to-pass-out
Bucky snapped in desperation and we witness him lose control in his battle with PTSD. It is very common for fight or flight to kick in under extreme circumstances and pressure; Bucky tried to escape, to avoid this outcome, but he couldn’t. The only thing he had left was to fight. We see Bucky lose control, not as Tony is threatening him, but because Steve is threatened. Bucky was fighting Tony, not to harm him, but to stop him, and not to protect himself, but to protect Steve. It’s an entirely different fighting style than Winter; it’s meant to disarm, not to destroy. Even though Bucky just experienced multiple triggers and traumatic events in a short timeframe, even though he is smack dab right in the middle of a traumatic episode, he still only wants to stop the fight, not kill. This is another example of how the Russos’ comments were unfair and incorrect. Bucky doesn’t go on murderous rampages; he tries to do what’s right. And what happens to him because of it?
He loses. Every single time.
Source: https://marvelworlduniverse.tumblr.com/post/172306346232
I will never forgive the writers for making Bucky lose his arm twice. Bucky has a real disability and it has always bothered me that his arm is only ever discussed as a weapon. The trauma from losing his arm the first time was never properly dealt with and here we are again, recycling that awful, painful, horrible plot point. There comes a certain point where you’ve hurt the characters enough and it does nothing for their character development. The grief, pain, and acceptance we see in Bucky’s eyes as he’s lying there wrecks me. He didn’t need to experience this. He’s been through enough. I don’t know how he’s still physically alive or not mentally lost without hope of recovery. But he is. He gets back up. And you know what he does next?
He asks for help.
Asking for Support
An important part of recovery is having a team of people around you to support you when times are tough. It is amazing to me that Bucky got as far as he did in his recovery, finding positive coping strategies and habits on his own while on the run.
Source: https://juliastiles.tumblr.com/post/178049225734/captain-america-civil-war-2016-dir-anthony
The acknowledgement of Bucky’s trauma in this scene was poignant and bittersweet and I’m very glad they included it, although I feel Steve here. It was sad to see Bucky go back into cryo, but it was necessary until the triggers could be safely removed.
And they were. This is my biggest issue with what the Russos said - they seemed to have either forgotten or refused to acknowledge what happened in Black Panther, when Shuri successfully removed the triggers and healed Bucky’s brain damage (cough, I know which one I’m placing my bets on, cough). We don’t disrespect Shuri like that in this house.
Source: http://stevechoosesbucky.tumblr.com/post/173521604559
From this point forward, Bucky’s brain is no longer damaged. He is no longer experiencing memory loss, nor is he capable of being triggered into Winter Soldier mode. Yes, he still has PTSD. Yes, he will need to continue to work on his recovery, just like Steve, just like Sam. And he does.
Speaking of Sam, this tidbit from Avengers: Endgame is really satisfying.
Source: https://paper-storm.tumblr.com/post/184537376766/can-we-talk-for-a-second-about-how-bucky-was-a
This moment is important because it shows that 1) Bucky is still very vulnerable and dealing with a lot of grief; the last time he saw Tony wasn’t exactly on the best of terms and now Bucky can never make up for what he did, and 2) Sam is an invaluable person to have at your side and a very, very good friend.
It’s hard to tell where we will go from here in the series/the next round of films, but I have a suggestion for a direction: get Bucky back to his positive coping strategies. Such as...
Spending Time Outdoors/With Animals
Before the battle in Avengers: Infinity War, we catch up with Bucky doing something seemingly very out of character: farming. Look, my blog name is Bucky the Farmer, it should tell you all you need to know about how much this tickled me when I first saw it. But upon further reflection, I realized how important this activity actually is.
Source: https://steverogersnotebook.tumblr.com/post/179505503935/bucky-in-wakanda-initial-recovery-vs-settled
It’s been shown that spending time in nature and around animals can have positive soothing effects on people who are recovering from trauma. Have you ever gone on a nice walk after a bad day to calm your mind, or spent a few minutes petting a dog? Do you exercise as a form of stress relief? It’s the same thing.
But what we’re also seeing here is Bucky taking responsibility for living beings beyond himself. He’s also interacting with children, an innocent and safe way to re-socialize himself. At this point, Bucky is past the stages of recovery where he needs to avoid, acknowledge, or actively cope with his trauma. He’s healing. He’s moving forward and learning how to live again, not just surviving day by day.
What happens next?
Prior to The Snapture, Bucky’s life was in Wakanda. Avengers: Endgame left quite a few stones unturned when it comes to Bucky’s future; we know that he’s in New York, that he won’t carry the shield, and seemingly, he and Sam are friends. He might hang out with Old Steve every now and again, visit his home in Brooklyn, or get a few goats. Maybe he’ll go back to Wakanda. Maybe he’ll be a part of the Avengers. We don’t know what Bucky will do next.
Regardless as to what happens, Bucky is in a good place. He’s experienced loads of trauma, but the physical and mental effects have been treated. His brain is not damaged and he’s continuing to recover. And when he’s ready, which I believe will be sooner than we think, he’s going to kick utter ass.
Bucky is still one of the most badass characters to ever be created; he’s efficiently deadly, a skilled fighter, the world’s best assassin. Those skills haven’t disappeared because he’s now in control of himself (and, some of those skills he had before he was the Winter Soldier; they were what made him a prime candidate in the first place. Remember, the Winter Soldier was supposed to be an equal foe to Captain America).
But he’s also so much more. Bucky has chosen to be morally good. A man who knows he can be the deadliest person in the room but chooses not to be is powerful. Is this not a direct callback to Erskine’s conversation with Steve in The First Avenger? Remember, Captain America is not a perfect soldier. He is a good man.
Bucky Barnes is a good man, no matter what trauma he’s experienced. So is Sam Wilson.
I absolutely believe it was the right choice for Sam to take up the shield at this moment in time. Let’s just get that out of the way, no Sam hate here. But I have a problem with the idea that Bucky couldn’t take up the shield because “he’s damaged” and that’s why it went to Sam instead. The Russos’ statements were insulting to both characters. Sam didn’t get the shield because Bucky wasn’t ready to carry it; Sam got the shield because it was right and he earned it. Sam deserves to be Cap just as much as Bucky deserves to take a damn nap. They don’t need to knock Bucky down in order to lift Sam up. It was a deliberate choice of words and it was wrong.
On some level, I understand what the writers and directors were trying to say: Bucky simply isn’t ready. And yet, they continue to speak about Bucky as if he’s weak, a villain, and permanently broken; I don’t think they can truly grasp how much of a complex and compelling character he really is. They had years to prepare a wise, thoughtful answer to the question of Bucky’s future and instead, they spouted off some ableist bullshit. They could take this character that embodies so much of what’s good and evil, right and wrong, fearful and hopeful, and use him to speak to hundreds if not thousands of individuals about the importance of never giving up and letting yourself find peace. They do this perfectly with Steve (“I can do this all day”) and Sam (“Are you going to carry it in a big suitcase or little man-purse?”) but why not with Bucky?
We just don’t know. But Bucky Barnes surely deserves better.
Source: https://captain-flint.tumblr.com/post/184564356218/bucky-barnes-in-avengers-endgame-looking-like-a
Recovering from trauma is an ongoing, nonlinear process. All Marvel characters have gone through some form of traumatic events and recovery. Bucky has experienced more than his fair share, but he will always survive, because that’s what he does. Now, he has the opportunity to thrive, if only the writers and directors will let him.
Sources:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/index.asp
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/gethelp/selfhelp_coping.asp
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-symptoms-self-help-treatment.htm/
#bucky barnes deserves better#bucky barnes#avengers: endgame#endgame#russo brothers#tw: ptsd#the unknown future of james buchanan barnes
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Bound Together
A Sanders Sides One-Shot
Warnings: None (If I need to add anything, let me know!)
Pairings: LAMP/CALM (Virgil, Roman and Patton are all in a romantic relationship, Logan is QPP’s with all of them), Background Remile
Description: Our favorite friends just finished junior year and are celebrating at Patton's house!
Word Count: 1,260
A/N 1: Patton: FTM trans, he/him - Roman: Genderfluid, ze/zir - Virgil: Non-Binary, xe/xem - Logan: Agender, they/them
You can also find this story here on ao3
I wrote this for @gayzelley
“Last day of school! We’re seniors now, can you believe it?” Patton was practically vibrating with excitement, jumping up and down. Roman grinned at the sight and picked up zir boyfriend, spinning him around.
“How are you so cute? I thought it was impossible for someone to be so adorable, but here you are!” Roman set down a giggling Patton and kissed his cheek.
“No, stop, you’re the cutest one around! Especially in that amazing skirt of yours!” Patton stood on his tiptoes to kiss Roman’s nose, causing zir to blush. “Aw, Roro, you’re even more cute when you blush! My lovely non-binary royalty!” The two of them held hands and made their way to the student parking lot, flirting and laughing all the while.
“Hey, lovebirds! Come on, let’s get out of here!” a voice called out. Roman looked to see zir two other partners across the lot. Virgil was leaning against a black minivan, headphones around xyr neck. Logan was standing next to xem, shoulders touching and hands intertwined. Patton grinned and started running towards them, Roman following close behind.
“About time you two got here. I’m so ready-” Virgil was cut off by Patton launching himself into xyr arms. Virgil caught him effortlessly and held him close. “-to leave,” xe finished, laughing and kissing Patton’s face before setting him back down.
Roman had gone to Logan, hugging them close. Logan blushed as they pulled away. “Xe said if you two weren’t here soon we were going to leave without you.” Roman held a hand to zir chest, looking offended, and Patton let out a “Hey!”
Virgil rolled xyr eyes and gave Logan a playful shove. “That was supposed to be our secret, traitor.” Logan only laughed as they all clambered into Virgil’s car.
“Alright, so where are we heading? Patton’s place first or does anyone need to go home to pick up anything?” Virgil glanced in the mirror, then turned around to see if everyone was buckled up before pulling out of the parking lot.
“I dropped off my things at Pat’s this morning,” Roman replied. “Logan did too, since this lucky duck-” Roman punctuated the remark by poking Logan’s nose, causing them to smile and pull their head away. “-lives right next door to our beloved sunshine boy.”
“Okay, so then the store? Or are we doing that later? I kinda need to know before we get to this next light.”
Patton nodded and exclaimed “My house! I already bought everything! Well, my dads did. And they’ll be out of town cause Papa is going to be a key speaker at that big therapist’s conference in Austin, and Dad went with him for moral support and to also see the sights.”
“Nice! Whole house all to our gay-ass selves!” Roman threw a fist in the air in triumph. All four of them burst into laughter, which eventually faded into a soft silence.
“Hey, um, could we listen to the radio? I can’t- I don’t-” Logan stumbled over their words. They hated that they did this, even in the car with people they trusted. But even the silence between words was too much.
“Yeah, of course, starshine. I got ya.” Patton turned on the radio, hooked up his phone to the aux cord, and Girls/Girls/Boys began to play. Virgil and Roman immediately started singing. Patton giggled and turned it up.
“Is that too loud back there?” Logan shook their head and hummed happily, feeling themself relax as they listened to their partners sing along.
Girls love girls and boys/Girls love girls and boys/And never did I think that I/Would be caught in the way you got me/But girls love girls and boys/And love is not a choice
Virgil pulled into the driveway and parked. Once all four of them were out of the car, Virgil locked and double locked it. “You know doing that isn’t strictly necessary, right, V?” Logan commented, readjusting their glasses. Virgil just shrugged and grabbed their hand as they all headed inside. “Yeah, but it just makes me feel better.” Patton and Roman were already in the living room, backpacks thrown haphazardly onto the floor.
“Okay so, quick show and tell!” Patton declared. He was practically vibrating with excitement as he led them into the dining room. The dining room table was laden with sweets and presents. Roman’s eyes lit up and immediately went to reach for one but Patton held out a hand.
“No, hold on, you gotta wait!” Roman pouted but stepped back. “I got everyone’s favorite candy for our movie marathon! Chocolates for me, sour gummy worms for Virgil, Werther’s Original Candies for Logan, and a bag of cherry flavored Blow Pops for Roman! Also, I got each of you a graduation gift! We’ll open those first.”
Patton handed each of them a present. Roman tore into zirs the moment it was handed to zir. “Patton, you didn’t!” Ze was beaming in delight as ze held up a pack of colored pencils and a hardback sketchbook.
“Well you’d said you wanted some new ones so I got you this fancy pack! Prisma Premier is supposed to be a super good brand. And I figured you’d also need a new sketchbook to break things in.” He hugged Roman and kissed zir before going over to Virgil. “Okay stormcloud, your turn!”
Virgil opened xyr present and got two books. “Whoa, Patt, these are really cool! I’ve heard so much about The Illuminae Files series, thank you so much.”
Patton nodded enthusiastically. “I remember you posting about them a lot on Tumblr.” He went to Virgil and hugged xem. “Okay, last but not least, starshine’s turn!” He motioned for Logan to open their present. Inside was a puzzle book, a dotted journal and a pack of Zebra Midliner pens. Logan smiled and went to give Patton a tight hug.
“Thank you so much, Patton. I’m almost out of room in my current bullet journal; how did you know?”
“I just remembered! Okay, so let’s get ready to swim!” Patton turned to leave but Logan caught hold of his shirt sleeve. “Oh, is something the matter, Lolo?”
“You haven’t opened your present yet.”
Patton gave his partners a confused look. “My present? You got me something?” He glanced at Virgil, who held up xyr keys, then headed back out to xyr car.
“Of course we did, sunshine! How could we not? We all chipped in for it, and I just know you’re gonna love it!” Virgil came back in holding a yellow wrapped box with a silver ribbon. Patton blushed and gently took it from xyr hands and began unwrapping it. He gasped as he saw what was inside the box.
“Is this…” He looked up to see all three of them smiling at him, Logan stepped forward a bit.
“It’s a binder made especially for swimming. This way you won’t have to use your regular binder, and you can actually come swim with us! You’ll have to take it easy the first few times, to make sure you can breathe okay but- oh!” Patton lunged into Logan’s arms, cutting them off mid-sentence.
“Thank you so, so much. All of you. Each of you are so important to me and I’m glad to be partners with all three of you.”
Virgil and Roman both joined in on the hug. Roman let out a giggle before saying “This is so gay.”
As if on cue, Logan, Patton and Virgil chimed in: “Uh yeah, I sure hope it is!”
A/N 2: I hope you all enjoyed this story! Feel free to reblog and tell me what you think! If you’d like to be added to (or removed from) my taglist, please let me know by sending me an ask. You can find me on ao3 at Storytelling_Sparrow. Thank you so much for your continued support!
Taglist: @theresneverenoughfandoms @galaxywitchwolf13 @magicallygrimmwiccan @daring-elm @creativity-killed-thekitten @007ardra @princeyssash @demigodnamedathena @khadij-al-kubra @thisis-theroad-toruin @sawyer-saucee @iwritegayshit @it-me-the-phi @elfarmyenby @sparkedawg @ironwoman359 @today-only-happens-once @areyousirius-noheisdead @madly-handsome @milomeepit @princelogical @silversmith-91 @xxladystarlightxx @poisonedapples @romanamongthestars @ab-artist @ninjago2020 @anuninspiredpoet @justanormalfoot @eggheadinthemaking @gemini-the-kitsune-rp @justcallmepancake
#sparrow writes#sanders sides fanfiction#lamp/calm#patton sanders#roman sanders#logan sanders#virgil sanders#pure fluff#high school!au#feel free to reblog#let me know what you think
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So I don’t think I ever really fully explained what’s been going on my life lately, and I need to word vomit it somewhere because I’m having a night so...
You’ll remember back in July I took a job with an airline. Things did not go great there to say the least and my mental health spiraled out incredibly quickly. My supervisor was incredible and I still feel horrific for letting her down because she went out of her way to try to make things work for me, but it just wasn’t something she could fix. I unfortunately had to quit back in September.
I also turned 26 in the middle of that mess, which meant I lost my health insurance. While I had my job, I was able to pay for a plan through the marketplace. After that, though, I was put on Medicaid - which I am incredibly grateful for because it makes everything affordable - but I lost my therapist because of it.
Prior to leaving her, she (and another therapist) recommended I start an intensive outpatient program. I’ve been describing it to people who’ve seen CXG as the equivalent of Rebecca’s therapy bubble - 3 group days a week, 3 hours each day, plus one-on-one therapy and medication management. I was put on the wait list for that in August and finally got in on October 22nd. Tomorrow starts my third (full - I missed two days for Dallas) week and I have incredibly mixed emotions about it. I’m getting handouts on handouts and work pages that would make Rebecca Bunch green with envy, but I don’t feel like I’m getting the practical help that I need. I’m also very afraid to speak up in the limited opportunities we have to do so for a few reasons... one, there is one person in the group with incredibly violent tendencies who makes me very uncomfortable, so there’s that complication. Secondly, I feel incredibly guilty talking about what I’m dealing with when there are people in the group who are in custody battles over their children. One woman can’t afford non-slip work shoes. It’s hard for me not to feel like I’m just wasting time with my first world problems because I have parents who love me, I have a roof over my head and food to eat and nothing really to worry about financially. I’m trying to keep in mind that it’s still early in the process. I’m trying to keep an open mind. But it’s so hard. I want to give up already even though I know I can’t... because I don’t have any other options. No plans for my life. I’ve been hoping this program would help give me a tiny bit of clarity on that front, but absolutely nothing yet.
And as many of you know, in the midst of all this, I sustained a vestibular concussion at my first night back in the gym post-nationals. Since September 19th, I’ve been dealing with chronic headaches, dizziness, balance issues, memory fog, and basically every other concussion symptom you could possibly think of. I am thankfully working with an INCREDIBLE team of doctors and therapists (they work with the Pittsburgh Penguins and my doctor in particular treated Sidney Crosby’s second concussion) and things are slowly starting to get better. Today, we figured out it’s my right eye specifically that is the problem child, and so we’re focusing on retraining my eyes to stay in alignment. It’s been absolutely fascinating to learn about how the human body compensates when injured, I will say that, but the recovery is unbelievably slow moving and I’m naturally frustrated and ready to get back into the gym as soon as I’m given the all clear.
Between IOP and therapy and med management and concussion specialists and vestibular therapy and PCP appointments and dentist appointments and OBGYN appointments and GI specialists, my health has become my full time job. It is overwhelming and some days I just want to say fuck it and roll back over and pray that I wake up in a different, normal, healthy body. So far, no luck on that front. So I trudge on.
I also got the news a week ago today that my beloved Nana most likely has an internal GI bleed caused by some form of cancer. She left us a living will that she created when she was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s stating that she didn’t want any kind of medical testing or intervention, so we can’t know for sure, but she has been moved to hospice. I’m devastated and frustrated that we have no way of knowing what’s happening, but I do know my Nana has been fighting this disease for close to ten years now and is tired. I’m trying to take peace in knowing that years ago when we would sit on her patio and drink iced tea, she’d say the lord could take her then and there and she’d be happy to go home because she lived a good life. It doesn’t make letting go any easier though, especially when you don’t know when that last goodbye will be.
So... that’s everything in a very large nutshell. Naturally, my mood has been in the shitter. The seasonal affective disorder hits me hard as it is, and all of this on top of it has made for an incredibly difficult few months... probably the worst few months of my life. I have relapsed. The panic attacks have lessened but not dissipated. I have had passive ideations. But I am still here. I am still trying to plow ahead and be strong. It is so hard some days, but I’m doing it. No matter what, I’m doing it. I am trying. I’m trying to get better. Maybe someday I will.
So many of you have sent encouragements or little notes of love without knowing any of this and I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Most of you are Crazy Ex fans and get the mental health side of things, and it’s just so comforting to know I’m not alone in the struggles I sometimes face. Some of you aren’t from that fandom and send your love anyway... and to know that someone is going out of their way to send a little heart or note of encouragement when it would be just as easy to keep scrolling? That’s so special. Thank you. Thank all of you so much. I save it all and look back on it on bad days.
And as always... I wouldn’t be here without my absolute rocks. @faith-trust-magic-pixie-dust, who has inspired me endlessly with her strength in the past few months, my tumblr-less friend Lindsay who is constantly texting to check in on me despite me being the world’s worst human at responding to texts, and @heartbash and @itsme-ashley-marie - my gurl group, same size burritos, my sisters. You all deserve the world and I can’t emphasize enough how much your unwavering support and love and faith in my abilities when I have absolutely none have meant to me.
If you read this far, you deserve a cookie. Thank you for reading my spewing of emotions - it feels good to get this all off my heart and into writing. ❤️
#ramblings#loooooooooong ramblings#life update#spoiler alert: things have not been good#but hopefully we’re getting there#if you believe in prayer or vibes or good energy and could send any of that stuff my way#i would greatly appreciate it#❤️
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playlist ~ crash & burn
This fic has been finished for a long time, but I finally got around to putting the playlist together, so enjoy~
crash & burn
When Gray’s therapist insists that he attend the ‘Creative Expressions’ program, Gray hates the idea. Talking about his emotions isn’t going to help - he already knows how he feels. He’s angry, betrayed, bitter and in constant pain, and no amount of painting or poetry is going to change that.
Then he meets Natsu - a charismatic boy with pink hair and piercings who’s larger than life - and Gray can’t help but fall for him. Natsu is like the sun, blindingly bright and warm in all the cold parts of Gray’s life. But Natsu has his own reasons for being in the program, and when the dark parts of his past start to catch up with him, it’s up to Gray to try and pick up the pieces.
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Rogue Cheney/Sting Eucliffe, Laxus Dreyar/Freed Justine, Levy McGarden/Gajeel Redfox
Characters: Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster, Lucy Heartfilia, Erza Scarlet, Gajeel Redfox, Ultear Milkovich, Cana Alberona, Laxus Dreyar, Freed Justine, Lyon Vastia, Bickslow (Fairy Tail), Rogue Cheney, Levy McGarden, Evergreen (Fairy Tail), Makarov Dreyar, Mirajane Strauss
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - High School, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Bipolar Disorder, Self-Harm, Childhood Trauma, Foster Care, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Friends to Lovers, Families of Choice, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Abuse
Series: Part 1 of the only hope for me is you, Part 1 of if you jump i'll break your fall
crash & burn
playlist
1. half of my heart - john mayer
i was born in the arms of imaginary friends
free to roam, made a home out of everywhere i’ve been
then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
2. shimmer - fuel
she says that love is for fools that fall behind
and i’m somewhere between
i never really know a killer from a savior
3. zero - imagine dragons
let me show you what it’s like to never feel
like i'm good enough for anything that’s real
4. fuckin’ perfect - pink
you’re so mean when you talk
about yourself, you were wrong
change the voices in your head
make them like you instead
5. beloved freak - garbage
you’re not certain when you feel
hurt yet violent when you deal
with how the world drags you along
but you’re not alone
6. manic - coleman hell
oh no, here we go again, the bad thoughts are creeping in
when i feel crazy, i hide it, then fall apart in private
where my mirror’s the only one who sees my tears
7. who do you love - marianas trench
god it’s been so long (wide awake)
that i feel like someone else
i miss the way that you saw me or
maybe the way i saw myself
8. unwell - matchbox twenty
i’m not crazy, i’m just a little unwell
i know right now you can’t tell
but stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
a different side of me
9. there is - boxcar racer
do you care if i don’t know what to say?
will you sleep tonight, will you think of me?
will i shake this off, pretend it’s all okay
that there’s someone out there who feels just like me?
there is
10. skin & bones - marianas trench
it only hurt a bit, but i still feel like shit
i think you won’t be able to recognize me now
it’s easier to quit, it’s harder to admit
and you’re pushing me, you’re fucking pushing me
11. innocent - our lady peace
i remember feeling low and i remember losing hope
and i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
12. savior - rise against
i don’t hate you, boy, i just want to save you
while there’s still something left to save
13. crash & burn - savage garden
if you need to fall apart, i can mend a broken heart
if you need to crash, then crash and burn, you’re not alone
14. swing life away - rise against
i’ll show you mine if you show me yours first
let’s compare scars, i’ll tell you whose is worse
15. secrets - one republic
i’m gonna give all my secrets away
this time i don’t need another perfect lie
16. not enough - our lady peace
there’s nothing left to prove, there’s nothing i won’t do
there’s nothing like the pain i feel for you
17. iris - goo goo dolls
i don’t want the world to see me
‘cause i don’t think that they’d understand
when everything’s made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
18. the only hope for me is you - my chemical romance
if we can’t find where we belong
we’ll have to make it on our own
face all the pain and take it on
because the only hope for me is you alone
19. warrior - paradise fears
i let you in but i’m so scared of what you’ll see
just skin and bones hiding this monster inside of me
20. battle scars - paradise fears
i’ll carry you home, no you’re not alone
keep marching on, this is worth fighting for
you know we’ve all got battle scars
21. ho hey - the lumineers
i belong with you, you belong with me
you’re my sweetheart
22. keep me crazy - sheppard
you grab my hand without any warning
i’m on the edge, you pull me away
23. gone gone gone - philip phillips
when life leaves you high and dry
i’ll be at your door tonight if you need help
24. you’re my best friend - queen
you’re the best friend that i’ve ever had
i’ve been with you such a long time, you’re my sunshine
and i want you to know that my feelings are true
i really love you
25. like i’m gonna lose you - meghan trainor & john legend
i’m gonna love you like i’m gonna lose you
and i’m gonna hold you like i’m saying goodbye
26. we are unbreakable - hedley
shipwrecked by a sea so stormy
i’m lost but i’m never lonely
i can see it now, that you were my way out
27. life - our lady peace
How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high? Is everyone afraid?
And how many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?
28. i won’t give up - jason mraz
we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
i had to learn what i got, and what i’m not, and who i am
29. all of me - john legend
my head’s underwater but i’m breathing fine
you’re crazy and i’m out of my mind
30. count on me - bruno mars
if you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the see
i’ll sail the world to find you
if you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see
i’ll be the light to guide you
31. closing time - semisonic
every new beginning comes
from some other beginning’s end
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