how rude is it that my cool ideas will require things like "logic" and "obeying the rules of the setting" to work. i should be able to amp up the stakes without the need to explain how someone gets their hands on all the chaos emeralds at a time and place where they absolutely wouldn't be present

i hope this vent doesn’t hurt anyone and that I’m doing this correctly. I’m just feeling very lost and frustrated rn.

I was scrolling through this blog to stop myself from feeling alone in my experience (CSA/COCSA). Really, I’ve been looking a lot for art that expresses how I feel about what happened. this isn’t possible without getting into the debate about what is and is not CEM.

I’m an artist and it’s a huge part of processing for me. always has been. Even before I knew what or why I was drawing what I was. Sharing my art and hearing from people who could see the pain and the struggle made me feel understood and not alone.

But I’m really struggling right now with no outlet. With the way people act around trauma art (especially child abuse stuff), I find it really hard to feel safe posting things anymore. I feel like a monster sometimes for wanting to draw such terrible things happening. drawing stuff that expresses how confusing and awful it feels to go through that stuff. It feels really fake and sanitized to just talk about what happened in “safe” therapy words. I wish I could express myself or find ppl who have been hurt like me and see myself reflected in something.

Right now it just feels like the only thing I’m allowed to talk about is pain and it has to be faceless and vague. I’m not allowed to express the confusion of being too young to understand. twisting things up in your head and repeating what happened onto yourself. I can’t express my raw emotions or thoughts unless they’ve been filtered for people who think that art about CSA is as bad as CP.

it really makes me feel like im not allowed to be messed up inside. That even tho my therapist tells me it’s normal for victims to feel guilty for not saying no or even enjoying parts of what happened, it doesn’t matter cuz I can’t talk to anyone about it. I can’t explain what it felt like without getting death threats for not making myself say No in my own account of what happened.

I feel more alone now than I did before I knew what was wrong with me. Because at least back then, I could show someone and hear back “me too” instead of being told to die.

Personally, we have made some art about CSA that we both have shared and both that we haven’t shared. I wouldn’t say that it is like CEM (child explotation material) at all.

We are very sorry for how you have been treated when posting this stuff.

hahahaha wow that last post is an incoherent mess my brain is scrambled rn i guess. anyway uhhh i mentioned this in the rules section already but i have absolutely no plans to write any ships for season 3 unless it involves an already canon couple like charlie and belinda. and this really isnt anything against the fundamental basis of shipping (aside from certain individual ships that i do not vibe with under any circumstances) its just that sonic was never a franchise about romance and boom is no exception to that. id much rather prefer to write engaging stories about the characters by themselves and their platonic dynamics with each other so if youre expecting season 3 to feature your otp (whatever that may be) i can guarantee you it wont lol youll have to find content for it elsewhere which shouldnt be hard

and again i may poke fun at shipping culture in boom but dont take it to heart and think im crapping on you if youre a shipper i just have a very dry satirical and jackass sense of humor and honestly a part of me doesnt even think i should be explaining myself considering canon boom is already like that. im simply covering all my bases because ship discussions are never not a metaphorical hornets nest and the last thing i want is to be pestered about this

I really need to stop reading. But i feel like if i do, i’m just gonna lose myself

I know it is a way of escaping reality blah blah blah but it just became an obsession. I just saw that i spent 9 hours reading. 9hours. Last year i stopped going to college so I could read more, in my bed. I need to stop but i know that right after this shit im writing, i’m gonna read again, till 10 am. I can’t stop

The stories that i’m looking for are quite weird. If i could rn make up the perfect trope for me it would be: Prostitute meets a violent John in a futuristic or past world. They live an impossible love, filled with toxicity, dramas, and tears. I don’t know if i want a good ending or a bad one. What i know is that as soon as i see the happy ending coming, i leave the story and go look for another without ever finishing it. I stop at the angst. But if the ending is going bad im gonna read it till the end, till the author’s note with face full of tears.

My favorite story is actually something like that. Violence, sex, death, and blood. The couple kill themselves at the end. I read it 4 or 5 times, the author deleted it a few years ago. So idk. Do i like bad endings ? Maybe.

The worst part is probably my eyesight. I am destroying my eyes. And I’m realizing that me possibly becoming unable to see shit doesnt stop me from reading. Which is quite scary. I can’t stop

I need to constantly disassociate. Constantly. I need to be out of this body almost 20/24.

Yesterday (i think?) i was at a friend’s house. Slept there. I felt immensely bad. First because i become insanely self conscious of my appearance when i’m with people, but also because i can’t fucking read.

Talking about my appearance. These days i felt better about myself, mostly my face. I developed this « even if i feel ugly, some people are ugly charming because they look unique. So i coule be that ». I KNOW i am not ugly, im even pretty to most people. Yet i can’t stop feeling that way.

So i felt better about this. I even let people take pictures with me and post them.

Until. Today.

Today i talked with an old friend of mine. From high school that i met irl recently after 4 years of not seeing him. For some reason he felt like he needed to tell me that i looked « disgusting » in high school. Apparently, he meant it to compliment my new appearance. My « glow up » as he said.

Well.

It made me feel like utter shit. Because i remember that during this time, i thought i was very, very pretty.

So is my conception of myself wrong ? If i find myself pretty when im supposed to be « disgusting » doesn’t it mean that when i find myself ugly then i just look monstrous ?

And now i’m asking myself. When do i feel pretty ? The answer is simple: when men makes me understand that i am. I don’t give a fuck if a woman tells me im pretty. Even less a straight one. And that’s what concerns me. I constantly need male’s validation about my appearance. And i think that’s why, when im reading books, i always need to be in the flesh of a prostitute/exotic dancer. Because the character is always VERY wanted by men.

That also explains why i feel uglier than before. Because men were way more interested by me when i was a teenager. Around 16-17 were my « golden era ».

I felt like i lost them, so i filled the gap by wearing insanely slutty clothings. Like, extremely sexy to look like some of the characters i wish to be.

Except that

These characters are all prostitutes! So now, i just give the wrong message, and i feel like i repulse them because who wants « easy girls ».

Even tho im far from being easy. I’ve had lots and lots of demands from men. Never accepted one. I’ve never had a boyfriend because none of them pleased me. I was always too deep in my books. Wanted a violent man driven by blood is simply not possible in this world unless they are a psychopath or a serial killer. And even if such men existed, they would probably hide it because « hey, i’m gonna beat u up, make u cry, fuck you hard but only love you and only you till the day i die » shouldn’t be a catchphrase that works on women. Except it would definitely work on me

I tried to look on the internet what could be the cause of that. Of my obsession with the male’s gaze.

The answer was: Daddy Issues.

Daddy issues is, to make it quick, when a girl didn’t have enough love from her father and compensate this lack of « father love » with men.

Except that i had a hell lot of love from mine. Hell, all my gifts and first memories are with him. I’m a daddy’s girl from head to toes and i’m even his fav.

I also had a hell lot of betrayal in the form of heavy beating. My dad would beat us, me and my siblings, when we did « bad things » according to him. My dad was not someone who could restrain his anger, just like me now. So one day he was my best friend, the other he was the one who hurt me.

That definitely explains my lack of trust for people tho. I don’t trust anyone. I feel like everyone, even my siblings, talk behind my back, secretly hate me and are definitely not loyal.

Every time i get too close to someone i feel dumb, like i’m falling into someone’s trap. A one sided relationship. So then i get mad. Very mad. And i push them. Then i pull, then push. Again and again.

Idk, i wish i was someone’s number 1 in their heart. Even if i have no one in mine because of my lack of trust and the paranoia i have of being taken for a fool. But even if someone tells me that i am their number 1 i’m not gonna trust them. And i’ll become even wary, and just push them.

Anyways. It’s 5h21. I need to read. I hope i will wake up soon so i can do things. Been a month i’m rotting in my bed. I need to go to the post office, applying for a job to do besides University and start doing yoga. Been a year i say that i should start yoga.

Throwing random thoughts, headcanons, and a variety of pasta at the wall (but only those having to do with vessels and/or their biology this time): The Thrilling Third Installment™

...aka pretending i can be dark and dramatic jskhdfd

Thk's larger form is not the standard, but the exception. Thk was cited as being "raised and trained to prime form", which people take to mean pk assisted in the vessel's natural growth. However, that conclusion leaves a lot of unanswered questions, most important of which being “then what about Ghost?” In short, I think that train of thought is backwards. Vessels can't grow- they are ageless, and immortal. We know this due to Ghost, despite living as long if not longer than thk, being completely unchanged over the years. The only thing pk trained into "prime form" was thk’s mind and fighting prowess. Their body... well, I think it was mutated. Most likely either directly by pk, or ordered by him- and with the shenanigans happening over in the sanctum, I wouldn't be surprised if Soul was involved, too. In any case, it was in no means natural. Vessels are corpses reanimated by void; neither corpses nor void tend to make drastic changes on their own all that often. Whether pk predicted the vessel’s “issues” and intended to manually “upgrade” them from the beginning, it's hard to say. But... yeah. Unless Ghost goes out of their way to make themselves grow- if its even possible, now that pk is gone- its fairly safe to say, they never will.

...with that in mind, we are promptly gonna ignore that for the rest of this post lmaooo

Grown-up vessels wouldn't look like thk; while they are described as being raised into "prime form"... prime form, to whom? Rather than looking like an idealized pk soldier, it sounds much more fitting that they’d have an entirely different, natural adult form. Consider: their cloaks being longer and fuller, perhaps filling out into something with a more practical use to their “species”. Better yet, they could even grow up to be more beast-like. Feral vessels, YEhaW

The black egg temple is cited as being "built to sustain [vessels]", yet it can't be their lifespan that is sustained. Rather, it seems the egg is specifically designed to keep the radiance from tearing thk apart, physically and/or mentally. Ngl its p obvious, but worth noting.

Sorta-au where Ghost’s shade has 8 eyes, and/or is generally all-around more cryptid-looking.

@ the sharpshadow charm and the strange, 6-eyed creature their shade turns into: kudos to this post, they bring up something super interesting- the creature not only resembles the Shade Lord, but the lord outright becomes it during the Embrace the Void cutscene.

makes me respect the ol’ civilization a whole lot more if a single charm can turn a baby shade into a baby lord.

The concept of finding ghosts unconscious body, laying next to a corpse, while they battle in their dreams. Alt: when ghost enters the dream realm, their shade leaves their shell... And protects their body from harm.

If steel soul mode is taken as canon, just how did ghost and the shade meet? Alt: Ghost may never have “met” it at all, as it technically doesn’t exist in that mode- instead, its more of a metaphor than an actual entity.

What the vessels looked like- or were supposed to look like- before the void. Alt: a story following a child, alive and untouched, that somehow managed to be spared. They could even have a gender. Alt alt: the void intentionally spared them for some purpose, or even out of simple kindness- or at least, something that resembles kindness.

Re: the shade inexplicably having a nail: all the vessel's swords are crafted from “will-bearing rock”- of which i’ve come to lovingly call living stone- and as such, are of void themselves. That's how the shade seems to conjure up its own copy; it merely shapes it, from the ground, using void. And, while more of a stretch, Ghost’s nail being some sort of living stone/pale ore alloy could explain just how Ghost can do seemingly pretty crazy things with an otherwise ordinary nail. Better, while 100% a baseless hc, its material might actually enable Ghost to build it up and modify it to suite their size as they grow older. finally, a logical reason adult Ghost has an adult-sized nail-claymore. hdsfghjfghdsjf

On that same thought: Ghost outright invented the "art" of manipulating- or creating- living stone to make their nail. ...gimme a sec. The other escaped vessels have nails, too, right? Either meaning they also discovered this ability... or that theres some legitimate ground for the “vessel gang” hc. Or, yanno, i’m reading too much into Ari’s sprites but sHHhh

How did all the vessels know to race to the top? They seemed to be falling merely because they had just been born and had literal, actual baby strength; yet not only did they inexplicably risk everything competing to the top, they somehow knew death was waiting if they lost. Alt: pk just, bringing a fucking megaphone and telling them like a sports announcer.

What if Ghost made it, and instead of falling, they managed to joined thk at the lip? What would pk do? Push them off the edge??? Or just adopt them both?? Oh fuck au where they're raised as twin sacrifices. Or worse yet, they’re raised unequally, and one is trained only as an afterthought. As a backup.

Alternatively, pk keeps all the vessels au, only a few years later when they're grown. Pk now has a literal army of pure knights. Radiance is fucked.

Hm. If vessels were fully coherent entities from the moment of birth, why was there a crib in the white palace? Did... did they use it? I have a feeling team cherry made that asset before the abyss scene lmaooo alt: they did, uh, use the crib. Cue a very awkward scene of thk, clearly not a normal baby, staring at wl with like... idk, the poofy baby hat and pacifier. I can’t tell if the image is more funny or more sad rn shdfgfjsdgg

The og notes that inspired this post, in case my rambling makes more sense (and w/o the awful comic hjsfgjsdfhj): Oh oh OH i GET it now. The void is all about "will" and whatnot, right? And shades are "fragments of a lingering will"- will, like the one you leave after your death, but instead of inheritance its the vessels' desires...last regrets.... DAMN team cherry, that symbolism is clever as heck. That took me a while. Kinda funny how a will is, technically, a person's last regrets Like I knew they were last regrets but I didn't understand WHY. Duh, it's because they're literally Made Of Will. They are the vessel's "wills". I'm so stupid.

Ghost, walking thru the abyss, getting increasingly fed up / freaked out, ducking into a crack in the wall. They follow the crack into the Scream Chamber, pause, then exhale in relief that this was EXACTLY what they needed.

Ghost's shade rolling up its void-sleeves like “fuck it, ima defeat thk myself”

Why was thk's sword there? Was its pedestal decayed? Did it fall from their body? Was it place there as an afterthought, or hurriedly? alt: taking thk's sword before freeing them, but doing the mom thing like you're grounding them hdhfjchjch

I can’t believe it just occured to me now, but... as objectivley stupid as the vessel’s test was, Ghost... technically came in second place. What if that whole scene was a metaphor? Because really, it’s just too silly to take seriously. To do so isn’t too far fetched, either; many other elements in the game’s story are better taken as symbolic or metaphorical, anyways. Take the PoP cutscene- while it could’ve been a literal moment, where they just happened to find themselves standing around and took the moment to appreciate each other... imo it makes much more sense to read it as the concept of their faint ~forbidden love~ and parental pride itself. Or, better yet, the scene at the end of the 4th pantheon. Sorry, but I severely doubt that was an actual event. What I’m trying to get at is the significance of “second place” in the cutscene. My brain is too fried to chase down any other possible connections to this theme rn (if thats even what the theme is), but even without proof, the theory smooths out a few interesting tidbits related to just how Ghost could tough it out when all others failed. All except for #1, anyway. Either way I’m just happy to take this as an excuse to pretend that cutscene didn’t literally happen because like, l m a o

The story of a small group of vessels as they work together to escape hallownest. (aka the aforementioned vessel gang hc... im sure theres a more formal name but you get the idea). Its impossible to tell how long it took them to discover that near-invisible hole, the last exit remaining after the king ordered the abyss to be sealed up. Once they did, however, the remaining vessels were quick to make a desperate scramble to escape- only for the entrance to suddenly crumble shut, far, far too soon. The remaining 8 slowly made their way through deepnest, their numbers quickly dwindling as the jouney started to take its toll. The group was nearly wiped out by those terrible, spiney-legged creatures that used their own kinship against them. Only three finally escaped the deep, yet only two made it through the basin- the third, largest sibling, left to fight alone againt a hopeless battle, just to buy the others time. It was in greenpath, so close yet so far to their goal, that the second succumbed to the infection. It was a mercy killing, that nail through the heart. The last, after all of that, finally made their way to the very precipice of howling cliffs, hesitating for just a moment to gaze out upon the still-fresh ruins of hallownest. But only for a moment, before Ghost jumps down to begin their journey beyond this wretched place.

A vessel running from its shade as it tirelessly pursues them, the vessel refusing to put it to rest.

tw: suicide, + personal on main

Ugh ugh ugh ugh Either thk was fully conscious and in terrible pain for all those years... or they couldn’t feel anything at all. The former is horrible, but imagining thk waking up, chained, unable to do anything but wait for Ghost to heed their call? Did they turn their nail on themselves to help Ghost, end the pain, or some awful mix of both? For someone who has personally dealt with close friends and family that struggled with suicide themselves, hollowknight is one of the worst horror stories I've ever seen. And the fact that the story is so personal, so open to interpretation? The fact that each character is so genuine yet vague enough to be read completely differently to someone else’s biases? Its why hollow knight- the game, and the character- will forever be one of the most powerful stories to me.

in short, good LORD THIS GAME IS SO FUCKING SAD

K lemme clear some stuff up since some of you cant read, and yes im gunna be aggressive as hell in this because none of you listen

First few things, i am not suicidal, i did not say i was going to off myself, i do not know who that anon was but because of everyone saying that anon was me, that anon is not getting the help they deserve from you people so maybe instead of looking for another petty reason to justify your actions against me, think for a second how ignorant your actions are to someone who is legitimately struggling with life right now. How do you think that anon feels? To have posted that as an attempt to seek help or something or to vent, and then see everyone going “omg vlixxie did this to guilt trip deku!!1!” Yeah, please use your brains thank you

To clarify, what i said was that i have struggled with suicidal thoughts and tendancies in the past, im getting help and im getting better, but i still struggle with heavy depression, i did not intend for this to be a guit trip, i realized how aggressive i was towards deku and i attempted to explain why i got so angry at them, receiving vivid violence threats like that really can trigger memories of when i was struggling with life, it can trigger a lot of dissociation and anger and hard shit to deal with, please do not take my words out of context if your going to go off on me for that, no one likes a hypocrite

K second thing, can you FUCK OFF with the ableist autism comments what the actual fuck is wrong with you anons. Seriously? You think people are defending me because im uwu autistic cant do shit? Yeah i have autism, yeah its a disorder thats hard af to deal with, but you know what? I fucking deal with it because life doesnt go soft on you because yoy have more trouble navigating it. I know how to control myself, i know how to form words, i can function as a human being and implying that i cant and that thats the only reason people are defending me is sickening and dehumanizing. Stop minimalizing me and the autistic community as a fucking whole just because you want reasons for me to be at fault

Next point, the slurs, oh the slurs, deku used the R slur against me. Deku did not know i was autistic, i did not ever expect them to have known that as i didnt tell them so i’d appreciate it if you dropped that whole “how could deku know!!” Im not mad because deku used a specific slur against autistic people against me. Im mad because deku used a slur as an insult. As i have been informed, deku also has some kind of disorder, but thats none of my business so i wont ask. The point is, deku has a disorder so in technicality he is likely eligable to reclaim the R slur. The issue with how deku used the slur was they used it as an insult, thats not how reclaiming works, reclaiming a slur is a process used by the minority to slowly take the edge away, to take away its power, so it cant be used against them anymore. When you “reclaim” a slur by using it as an insult, your giving it more power, your using it to descriminate, your doing literally the oposite of reclaiming. So dont come at me with the “deku can use the slur” because while thats true, using a slur to belittle or insult someone takes away any rights you might have and makes you just as discriminatory as anyone else using a slur as an insult

My triggers, so as i gave mentioned in this and as i have mentioned in notes and past posts, violence indicators and threats in general are pretty triggering for me, i dont know why ya’ll started saying “how could deku know??” Because i never said i expected them to know, newsflash, i really dont. Im not open about most of my triggers because most are centered around trauma or are embarrassing to talk about, ya’ll think i wanna be out here talking about how i used to wanna off myself? Ya’ll think im enjoying that? Nah not one bit i’d rather shut my damn mouth on that but it’d just give you people yet another reason to come at me so here we are. Deku did not know those two things would especially set me off, but the fact of the matter is that deku used a slur against me, and deku threatened me. Wether those two things are triggers for me or not they’re disgusting behavior and sick. The reason i brought up the triggers was like i said earlier, to try and explain why i got so aggressive at deku in addition to the original nature of the threats and insults

I legitimately dont know what “evidence” ya’ll have against me but your claiming you got screenshots of me doing/saying something that apparently warrants you to attack me, before ya’ll start sending those screens out like u claim your gunna do, maybe you should dm me and ask for my side, instead of furthering the one sided nature of this shitshow. I do have beef with endo rn, i have had beef with endo for a while now, but i kept it all in private, i didnt say anyting, i vented to my friends a few times because it was stressful as fuck and it was eating me up inside, i gave them screenshots when they asked but i literally never took this public. So before you try to attack me for “publicly” shaming endo, maybe consider that you are literally the people who made this a public affair and literally publicly shamed *me* for nothing

You had no reason to make this public, you had no reason to attack me, you’re grasping at straws trying to find a way to justify your actions, your trying to use me as a scape goat to take the blame off you, but you know what? I own up to my actions, i apologize when necessary, i genuinely want to better myself when i fuck up. And i dont use my mental health or my disorders as a sheild, i explain them when it’s necessary to the situation so dont twist that against me because it’ll only make you more of an asshole

Finally, people arent defending me because i have autism, people arent defending me because im “helpless” people are not defending me because i cant control myself or for any reason your describing, people are defending me because someone blatantly publicly threatened me with no basis and continued to harrass me and bully me into submission. To keep saying people are defending me because i have autism is not only offensive to me as a person with autism, its offensive to the whole ass community, we can take care of ourselves, just because we’re different doesnt mean you can pick our strengths and weaknesses apart and force an identity upon us

So before you make another post trying to further pin everything on me and make more shitty comments against me to justify yourself, consider that maybe you actually fucked up

And for the record, you keep saying i fucked up and im deflecting and i got called out, no one has told me how i fucked up, no one has told me why i apparently deserve this, so how the fuck do you expect me to apologize for actions i did that you wont tell me about. I cant apologize for things i didnt know offended or hurt you, not unless you downright tell me that it hurt you, im not a mind reader, and publicly shaming me isnt going to change that

Thank you.

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Boca”

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG HAD THE F UCKING NERVE THE AUDACITY THE GUMPTION AND THE GALL TO BE AS BOMB AS IT IS literally the moment i heard that rain and thunder i was f cukity F CIKED the way that they just know how to work with more gentle verse parts and theN PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE WITH THE CHORUS ITSELF SPEAKING OF THE CHORUS ITS F UCKING CRAZY??????????? THAT????????? GODDAMN GUITAR????????????? OWNS MY ASS??????????? OH MY F UCKING GOD JUST THE WAY GAHYEON STARTS IT OFF TO EASE US INTO IT HMMMMMMMMMM- THE ABSOLUTE POWER IN DAMIS FIRST RAP........... SHES SICK™ FOR THAT!!!!!! ‘HOLD UP’ YEAH HOLD UP I WASNT READY DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN DAMIS AND GAHYEONS RAPS IN THE SECOND VERSE YOU CANT EXPECT TO BE OKAY AFTER THAT™ ARE YOU SERIOUS- just all of their voices............ the way theyre just so powerful and emotional and you can tell............. siyeon pls your high notes holy f uck-

WHAT IM SAYING Is this song was such a good follow up to scream like F UCK i literally ask after every comeback ‘will they top this’ and tHEN THEY DO

i was so boo boo the fool like i really thought since diamond and breaking out fell into the same genre that it wouldnt be intense like This im 🤡

SO I WILL BE USING THE COMEBACK SHOWCASE TO TALK ABOUT THE DANCE BC OH MY GOD- so they all said that this song was their hardest dance yet................. queens of dance I F UCJUNG SWEAR

FIRST OF ALL THE BEGINNING POSE IS EVERYTHING™

THE PART AFTER THAT WITH DAMI PULLING YOOHYEON INTO HER SINGING PART....................... i just like it a lot

HONESTLY DAMIS ENTIRE PART

YOOHYEONS PART BEFORE THE CHORUS

THE ACTUAL CHORUS

both the upside down triangle hand symbol AND then for ‘boca’ where they make their hands like a mouth................... Iconic™

GAHYEON WITH THE FLAGS?????????? HELLO????????

and then dami................................. i-

the flags............... sua and jiu and yoohyeon.......... Thinking A Lot™

this part with jius bridge lives rent free in my brain

sua sitting on the dancers shoulders and singing the most hard hitting lyrics in the song thats it thats the bullet point

just................. the WHOLE ENDING

shouldve really just put the entire damn video here but i already wrote it out

THEY NEVER PLAY AROUND WITH THE VISUALS EVER!!!!!!!!!!! THE COLORS ARE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS AND VIBRANT THE SETS ARE SO DREAMLIKE???????? I WISH I CAN FULLY EXPLAIN IT BUT ALL I COULD REALLY DO IS DESCRIBE THEM AS THEY ARE- THE PINK SET THEY DANCE IN IS SO COOL TO ME THE PLACE WITH THE TREES AND GRASS AND THEYRE DANCING IN THE F UCKING WATER AND WHERE GAHYEON HURTED US WITH HER RAP AND WHEN THEYRE ALL JUST STANDING AROUND LIKE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESSES AND WHERE YOOHYEON SAT AMAZINGLY- AND WHERE SIYEON STANDS WITH ALL THE BUSTS WITH TAPE OVER THEIR MOUTHS THE SYMBOLISM™!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN WHEREVER DAMI WAS IN GENERAL.................. [REST]

TIME TO SHOW WHICH SCENES I LIKED

THE WHOLE F UCKING THING MOVING ON-

T H E M

okay................................ everyone who follows me KNOWS that im just so whipped for all these women if i was a Brave Bicth™ id tell them they were all beautiful every day to their faces but if this is your first time seeing this CHAOTIC AS F UCK series of posts then-

LOOKATTHEMBEINGBEAUTIFULANDETHEREALPRINCESSESINONESCENETHENBADBITCHESINTHENEXTAREYOUKIDDINGMEICANTBELIEVETHEYREALLYOUTHERELOOKINGLIKETHIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JIU

BELLE????????????? BELLE IS THAT YOU???????????? why does Miss JiU over here just got to be one of the most beautiful women in the GODDAMN UNIVERSE I CANT STAND THIS LOOK AT THIS PICTURE!!!!!! i wont lie to yall but it was gonna be this one or the one kinda at the beginning where shes wearing red..................... and....................... her neck- THE RED IS FIRE BY THE WAY AND THE SAME OUTFIT BUT IN LIKE R.o.S.E BLUE WITH THE CHAIN STEP ON ME- and the black one that we dont really see a lot of.................. the sheer of it............ bicth-

SUA

yes it was absolutely necessary for me to use this shot

OFC MY BICTH ASS NEARLY FELL OFF HIS F CUKING BED WHEN SHE SHOWED UP IN THE TEASER JUST COVERED IN WATER I SWEAR I COULDNT BREATHE FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! first of all the red and blue ones just one sleeve and those shorts and all those belts I DUNNO JUST THIS WOMAN AND CROP TOPS OKAY IM LOSING IT IM THIS 👌 CLOSE and then the white dress i cant stand her i really cant-

SIYEON

HOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO MISS LEE SIYEON OUT FOR MY NECK I SEE- i just wanna point out first that i love her love for pants like the rest of the outfits are gonna be worn for performing and they all have those baggy pants she loves so much pls shes everything im 🥺🥺🥺 tho the braids and the high ponytail without and yknow what WITH BANGS TOO im........................ i cant stop staring at this picture-

YOOHYEON

SHE IS NOW A LARGE AND SCARY DOG-

this specific hairstyle in the screenshot........ the braids the safety pins with the brown and pink or whatever it was like three different colors just the Serve™ she is serving in that with that outfit and the back of her skirt is long than the front im weak in the knees for you maam- oH THAT F UCKING RED ONE GRABBED MY NECK NAILS INTO MY SKIN AND ALL AND ENDED ME HONESTLY and that chain necklace.......................... keeping words to myself-

DAMI

SHES SO HOT AND FOR WHAT my god this blue hair she is WORKING IT- i had such a difficult time even finding a good screenshot of her and i know the moment i just decided with this one that i was just gonna keep getting distracted by it and i am rn as i type this GOD- the all black outfit she shows up in the very first time in the mv..................... [REST] the blue one with the thing on her thigh with the low ponytail................. [REST x2] herself....................... [D*AD]

GAHYEON

POPULAR OPINION: THIS IS HER ERA

THE MOMENT SHE JUST SHOWS UP RIGHT AT THE START SHE GRABBED US BY THE NECKS AND LET US KNOW SHES KILLING IT LIKE THIS this pink hair is doing her like two million favors like the space bun look right here???????? STUNNING just left long and straight??????? BEAUTIFUL the fit with the beige(?) sweater and skirt and that black outfit during her rap verse the pink dress iM D*AD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BONUS TIME: B-SIDE TRACKS (short thoughts and parts i liked)

Intro

A SLAPPER WE LOVE TO HEAR IT-

Break the Wall

oH BICTH the way this song took me back to my edgy middle school years listening to music like this MY GOD THEIR VOICES SOUND SO COOL ON IT like they were using megaphones and s hit THE CHORUS IS SO GOOD IM GOING FERAL™ I FEEL LIKE I CAN CONQUER THE WORLD WITH THIS-

Can’t Get You Out Of My Mind

ALL ENGLISH SONG BICTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its all about the yearning its so catchy and good i was literally already singing it randomly right after the highlight medley like honestly this and break the wall are so nostalgic highkey- their pronunciation is so so SO good!!!!

Dear

JIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭 IM SO SOFT DONT LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she wrote this herself and its just so full of love and thankfulness and gratefulness and appreciation for insomnias SOMEONE PROTECT HER- and then the rest of the members singing so gently and beautifully there are real tears in my eyes...............

LIKE im just gonna say it every comeback now i guess THEY👏NEVER👏DISAPPOINT👏EVER👏 i love being an insomnia so much yknow??? love them as people love them for always providing content and always showing that they love and appreciate their fans and how they always make me laugh and feel better and most importantly of all is THEIR MUSIC not implying anything with capitalizing and bolding that............... unless they are so incredibly talented and show how versatile they are in so many different genres AND THEYVE GROWN SO MUCH IN POPULARITY THIS YEAR AND ARE NOW BEATING THEIR OWN GOALS im so happy to be their fan 😊😊😊 this just became a paragraph of me and how much i love them ANYWAY-

IN CONCLUSION: WHERE IS THE LOVE?????????? ITS BEING DIRECTED AT THIS ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and AS TRADITION:

i had a crying fit because my dad and brother were arguing but my brother kept telling me i needed to get a job AND go to school for these two semesters because im moving out of my dad’s house in the spring and i lost my student loan for a few semesters because i failed my classes due to being mentally ill, (moving out is being forced upon me, its not truly my choice and its making me lose my mind from anxiety.....just one of the many things causing me to have panic attacks lol) and i keep trying to explain to him that im applying for disability assistance because my therapist thinks i’d qualify because i have such debilitating anxiety i have panic attacks almost every day (i have had a lot less since being put on the new medication when i went to the hospital, so i dont get them every day but i get them often enough) and sometimes cant even go outside because im too scared/anxious, and then my dad tried to tell my older brother that i CANT work and get disability payments at the same time, and it made them argue even more and i got so overwhelmed that i started crying.....my brother just wanted to rag on the government for not helping disabled people, i dont think he really cared if i was going to be poor or not, and he seems to romanticize being poor and working class and keeps telling me i have to work AND go to school, even though i cant do that because it causes me so much stress and anxiety that i end up doing poorly at school and i cant afford to do poorly at school anymore!!!!! like i fucked up my grades so bad at the last school i went to and i need to do better at school to get my student loan back!!!!! and my dad was frustrated with me because i dont have a lot of life skills and because im mentally ill, but i’ve been doing a lot better with my mental health since being put on seroquel, but i do get anxious about starting tasks and so i put them off because idk how to start and i get overwhelmed, but my therapist gave me coping skills for when i get overwhelmed by trying to start a task and its to do the task in small chunks and eventually i will have it all done!! i also told my dad that i find it helpful if he gives me a time frame to do the tasks in, like yesterday i had to phone the doctor to make an appointment, and he told me to do it before he got back from walking the dog and so i did it, and so idk having a specific time frame to do something in helps me get started.....idk where im going with this, im just kind of stressed out and overwhelmed rn and my family doesnt really seem to care lol.....im almost 24, like next month i’ll be 24 and i feel like such a fuck up because i have problems doing every day tasks and managing my money (i am doing better at that though! i am trying really hard to budget and show my dad that i can manage my money by myself!!) and idk how to cook things like meat unless its in a stir fry or like ground beef in a pan for spaghetti sauce, and that sometimes i get so anxious i cant even go outside because im so scared of getting the coronavirus..... i am trying to be better though, but no one in my family seems to acknowledge it, like i basically am recovering from anorexia with minimal support because i can only afford to see my therapist once every month and a half, i also weight restored myself because i used to be dangerously underweight from the anorexia, the coronavirus situation is hard for EVERYONE too, like everyone is having a hard time coping with it and i have predisposition  to having severe anxiety and panic attacks, and i wasnt even on the proper meds for my bipolar disorder until last month, like i was only on a low dose of an antipsychotic and like prozac, and i was literally just put on a mood stabilizer in december after i had a psychotic episode and had to go to the hospital, but i have found the new medication to be really helpful, im doing a lot better with my depression since being on it, and im not having psychotic symptoms anymore, and its even helping with my anxiety, but today i got overwhelmed because my dad and my brother were like yelling at each other in front of me while my brother tried to be incredibly negative and berate me under the guise of “looking out for me” and then my dad got mad at me because he was mad at my brother and so i started crying, but my dad stopped yelling at me and we talked about it in a constructive way and came up with ideas on how to help me do better and get some skills, and then i went and did some things for starting classes tomorrow which was really good and made me feel better because i was doing something productive and a task i needed to do (putting all the important upcoming dates and assignment due dates from the course outline for my forensic anthropology class in my little planner!!) and then i had a snack and talked to one of my friends, and now i guess im just writing this to get it off my chest because i just needed to vent but i didnt want to like vent to anyone in particular or in the vent channel in the server i mode for so im just making this post and i dont really expect anyone to read it but i just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head to feel better!!!  

Hey, i'm an 18 yr old brown girl. I've been dating a guy online for a year now and we're very close, he's 19.i really want to meet him and i told my parents about him and they went crazy. they stole my bank passwords and passport and they're really trying to control me. it's very hard already bc our relationship is long distance. anyone have any advice or tips on what I can do? I love parents but they're really toxic. if anyone can talk to me pls comment and ill pm my ig.

Hi, so sorry it took me forever to respond to you! Funnily enough, I’m visiting my own parents rn, and it’s very hard to find time for myself without them interrupting.

I definitely understand your pain. So often, brown parents go absolutely ballistic and cite “concern” as the reason they’re holding you hostage. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, having to deal with not only with the obstacles that come with an LDR but also your parents being unreasonable.

Followers, if you have any advice or comfort you could offer, please feel free to share, whether via replying to this post, sending an ask, reblogging with advice, etc! And anon, if you’d like to talk about this more with me, you’re welcome to IM me; all messages and info will be kept private.

Having been in similar situations, I would offer you the following advice. Placing this under a readmore cut to avoid clogging dashboards:

First and most importantly, work to become independent from your parents. If you’re 18, you should be to close your account without needing your parents to sign off on it. Meaning, go to the bank, open a new account where you’re the sole owner, transfer all your money from your joint account to the new one, then close the old one. And then, don’t give your parents the new bank account info at any cost. They might threaten you, or tell you you’re irresponsible, or shout at you, or say all kinds of hurtful things. It will hurt a lot, but you need to say “I won’t give you access to my account.” Don’t try to explain or justify; just say that and nothing more. If the money in your account is technically theirs and you aren’t comfortable cutting off their access to it, open a new account anyway, and start directing as much of your own money into it as you can. Can you pick up a job or side hustle, like tutoring or freelance writing/editing/drawing? If you’re in college/university, can you get a work/study job without telling your parents? 

It is possible to replace your passport and any other documents your parents have stolen. If you’re in the United States, this website offers instructions on how to replace all your vital documents, including birth certificate, passport, SSN card, etc. (If you’re in a different country, let me know, and I’ll do my best to see if there are similar resources for you). It will take some digging to figure out all places you need to call or make appointments with. And it will unfortunately cost money, but you may be able to call your local passport facility or vital records office to ask if they have fee waivers or payment plans you could qualify for. I know it’s scary for your parents to hold your documents hostage, but unless you’re traveling internationally in the next month, this isn’t as big of a threat as they want it to be.

Unfortunately, you may have to accept that your parents just won’t support you meeting or dating your bf. Maybe they think you’re too young, or he doesn’t meet their standards, or they don’t trust the internet; regardless of the reason, it is deep-rooted, and they’re unlikely to change their minds no matter how much you reason or plead with them. This is really hard pill to swallow! It is so incredibly painful to realize that your parents’ love is conditional, and your happiness often isn’t a good enough reason for them to challenge their own beliefs. But you can’t control their reactions, nor can you force them to change their minds. Living your best life means determining what is and isn’t under your control, focusing on changing what you can, and not blaming yourself for the things you can’t change.

If you want to meet up with your bf, it will have to be on your own dime and your own time. This may mean you can’t meet up until you’re able to extricate yourself from your parents’ toxicity. You have to put your own safety and well-being first. This also means you need to have a difficult conversation with your bf: Are the two of you willing to wait until you’re able to meet him without your parents punishing you? Is he okay with you lying to your parents about him if you need to in order to avoid punishment? If he has fewer restrictions than you, is he okay with doing more of the legwork for meeting up (whether financially or by accommodating your restrictions) right now?

Though this is probably the furthest thing from what you want to hear, patience is your best friend right now. I promise there will come a time when you won’t have to worry about how your parents will react and how their reactions will limit your own happiness. I promise eventually you’ll be able to meet your bf whenever you want (global pandemics permitting). But that time is not right now, and you have still have some hurdles in your way. So be patient, and work toward clearing those hurdles. I hope you’re able to meet up with your bf sooner rather than later, and that you find a way to distance yourself from your parents’ toxicity. You deserve to seek happiness without first having to seek their approval and permission.

Help!

So I've just received this weird message on wattpad, has anyone else had this?

More under cut

the first thing I want to say is that I am not the best person at all the person I’m about to talk about I cared about so so much but clearly she didn’t like I did even though I thought she did after all this stuff happend I said some stuff that I won’t repeat to her friend and I regret it but you have to understand what truly happend. Also btw this isn’t apart of it at all but if we are going to be ibfs I want to talk as much as possible. I’m truly hoping we can be ibfs and it can last for months BC I’ve had horrible experiences .  By the way i wrote this so long ago but that girl is old news but now i did find someone new it lasted till January then she just started ignoring me. it’s all just so hard. Also we can talk more about this on Thursday. My mom just says sometimes like my heart is really big and I get attached to easily and it always bites me in the ass. anyways I’m gonna get to the story now and btw random fun facts about me my brother and sister have autisum I’m a triplet and I’m suppsed to be a senior rn but I got held back in kindergarten so I’m in 11th grade I’m now a senior but I’m homeschooled Rn ANYWAYS irrelevant. so I started messaging this girl and we figured out we were going to the same Niall show and we instantly became close. And I was so excited BC I recently had lost a ibf ... anyways . We ended up saying we were gonna be ibfs and I met her at the Niall show. I loved her even more in person. And we kept in contact . There’s more to the story but I’ll get to it anyways so we kept in contact meaning we lit talked everyday. When we had free time. I thought she was the coolest I was so happy BC she loved Niall just as much as me which is not healthy. Anyways shdhdhhf. Like I was gonna send her a gift and evreything . And we would talk on the phone late nights too. Like talk about all this personal shit there wasn’t anything we wouldn’t say to eachother. Long story short we were doing this one thing which I will explain inin the next Paragrah . But . We would fight sometimes but I think it’s BC we were so comfty around eachother and she’s blocked me. before - but we talked it out and I thought she would never ever again. But u have to understand I got so attached to her and I love twitter and my irl friends but she was special but weeks ago  she blocked me for the last time lit right after we made up and she blocked me BC we were arguing how tall Niall was- Now to the important part I mean it was all important but :( I said there was this one thing we did and I’m gonna explain it to u Rn and after I explain it all I just want you to :( ... like I’ve tried this with a few ppl and it always goes well but the ppl end up like hurting me or som or som goes wrong so it dosent work . But I want you to at least try :( I promise if u don’t like it we don’t have to but if u love Niall I really think that u will :( IK I sound crazy but all this stuff is really important to me . So I thank you for reading this. I really just want you to try and I think you really will like it if u love Niall So basically what it is is like ugh I just pray you say yes . And we would only do it when you are free and I am free trust me it’s not all the time and we would do it in the iG dms x anyways so like it’s not that complicated so like its basically like we would act out concepts with Niall but like realistic ones. And we can come up with them together, after we build the characters foundations. Like it’s kinda about like if Niall had a gf what would it be like . Now the girl in it I’ll tell u her name we just use her as the gf but like IK this girl and she’s so pretty and she loves Niall and I’m a visual person so like when I act this stuff out I like to imagine what the girl would look like. And I have a few pics of her and I wanted to send some to u and u can be 100000% honest if u think she’s nialls type and then follow her on iG a few other Niall stans follow her so it’s not weird. But ya we just use her for her looks but I would act out the personality in the Rp I Gusse I could go ahead and say it her name is well we can pick....  but that’s not her name irl and then you would play Niall :) and u know just try to act like him as much as possible it takes a bit to get used to but IK u can do it BC IK u love him. And u can’t even do a bad job even if u do I don’t care the fact that u are trying is all that matters. AND we would only do this when we’re both free idk if I said that already. Even if are free time is limited. And I swear im not a weirdo I just it’s hard to explain I just want all this to work out I just I’ve been let down so many times and I’m sick of it. And then also some of them have a little bit of sexual stuff in there but like we would never ever cross the line of having full on sex unless in months time u become comfortable . And when I did it with her for those parts she always told me if she was uncomftable and I respect that and never ever go to hard. That’s pretty much all I had to say but like IK I sound crazy . If u say yes which I pray to god u will I can talk more about it and we can start like soon.  U seem amazing. Sorry FOR THE TYPOS :( IK it sounds confusing as hell but love can u just try  if u love him I swear you will love this and we won’t do it all the time only when we both are free even if it’s not a lot..  and I’ve also been searching for so so long to find the right person ,, and I think u are. Also when I say Rp it’s more of like cute lovey concepts it’s not like sexual scary crap sgsfsgfgg and I promise we can make it fun and only do it when we are free even if that’s not a lot . X I reread this bc I wrote it so long ago I hate that I’m repeating myself.... a lot lol. But ya if u say yes we can discuss everything.

This message was weird right?!

This was my reply:

Yeah this is making me really uncomfortable. I'm not sure on what world you think it's acceptable to message someone with a crazy idea like this but you should know it's not ok. I'm not surprised people have blocked you. You sound like you need to get offline and go outside and into the real world. I like Niall a normal amount, I am a regular fan who enjoys writing. You are too young to be getting lost in the world of the internet. I'm in my 30s and married and have kids, the whole idea of pretending to be a girl and Niall messaging is weird and creepy. I suggest you speak to someone, an adult, a teacher, a parent and get some support.

Was I too harsh?

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

hii!

manifesting xiao for you!!!!! it surely will be worth it after all that wait and all those rolls shsjdhsj <3 you’ll probably upgrade him and his weapons and talents and all that right away too, huh? spilling all your recourses on one stotic lil boy 👅 (can’t say i blame ya he deserves it) FUNNY YOU MENTION THAT when i did the guiding light seal puzzle before the stormterror battle i accidentally forgot to change kaeya’s weapon to the ones i’ve upgraded so he was stuck with the dull sword and i was like why the FUCK doesn’t he do any damage and then it hit me . yikes 😬 Lmao has that ever happened to you?

oh really? reading all of that makes it seem like we’re in the bad end of the stick dhdhdjdjfh but you made me curious to try it out tbh... now where could i get a hold on a pc..... hm

yeah omg you’ve gotten so far now i can’t imagine how bizarre it would be to revert back to giving like 10 dmg and facing level 3 villains lmao still sometimes even i find myself missing the early days things weren’t as stressful then ): do you?

school did start which is why haikyuu is perfect!! it’s been keeping me very warm and happy tbh... 🥺 you know something i noticed this time watching is that kagehina are Always around each other. i honestly don’t remember them doing that but watching now it’s like at almost every scene they are either standing next to each other or showing up to the other’s scene and it’s like??? damn???? y’all live like this? idk if that changes in future eps but right now it’s Constant. i love it.

dude i’m such a nostalgia person i’m always up for a trip to the good ol’ days bc sometimes you just gotta go back to things for your own sake. but fun Fact i started watching voltron after it ended so i missed so much of the hype while it was ongoing.. literally came into it while it was a goddamn mess. i knew that klance wouldn’t be canon but watching i couldn’t help but hope... how was it stanning while it was ongoing?

(you saying that reminds me of the what if we kissed meme..... what if we kissed in the genshin co-op mode 😳 anyway you’re at such a high level idk how much i could help you... i suppose we could just run around but yeah i do play in europe... 😭)

RED AND BLUE GAYS!!!!!! RED AND BLUE GAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the purple light were mega gay like hello????? especially since lance is bi and it was Him that said the line and hfjdhdhsjdjdhdj fuck ! i’m so sad now ever since we started talking about them i’ve just been missing them sooooo much it’s crazy... KEITH DESERVES THE UNIVERSE he’s so sweet and caring in his own way and he grew so much like compare s8 keith with s1 keith and see!!!! he matured so much and god . at least he’s helping the galaxy with his lesbians now

dude i wanted to say that but i was scared it was an unpopular opinion.... hunk and pidge could be so mean to him sometimes for no reason or just shoo him aside and no??? don’t do that to your friend????? it irked me sometimes bc you could see that he got upset about it but he felt like he had no one to turn to 😭😭😭😭😭 kms but keith. keith is good.

THE I LOVE YOU SCENE did it also take you sooo much by surprise like i remember watching and just going AAAAAA??????!!!??!!?? and the art???? mister anime keith kogane?????? it was so beautiful and so perfect and so sad ughhhhhhh funny how keith has 2 out of the three i love you scenes on voltron even tho he’s the stotic type .

i’m thinking but honestly all i want is some fluffy angst... a punch in the gut with some final kissing . i love fics that rewrite the sunset scene always chefs kiss... or you know how in season 7 for some reason they always called out for each other first? like when lance has his crashing scene keith yells out lance come in twice??? or when they are stuck in the galra prison and they yell out each other’s names???? idk something about that would be amazing to read???? ok i rambled idk rewritten canon klance is just Mwah... OH IM SO EXCITED TO READ THOSE SNIPPETS EEEEEEE :DDDDDD TY FOR SENDING THAT

i’m soooo glad you liked the fanart when i saw it i HAD to send it your way... it’s the little bois in their animal hats 😭😭🥺 i love them so much it’s soooooo cute 😭😭 i’ve been stalking the original tweet and there’s some other version and they’re super adorable too 😭😭😭😭😭😭

hope you had a wonderful day today + yesterday... take care <333

hey heyyyy~

actually i don’t think i have many resources to give him bc im focusing on levelling up my team for the ascension rn FJKHDSKFHSDKJFHSDK but for sure i will do it... anything for him 😩 AHAHAH nooooo but yes ! during the chalk prince dragon event i used festering desire in dragonspine but my higher levelled sword everywhere else, but sometiems i forgot to switch back and was stuck with shit damage 💀

yeah actually i see a lot of poeple complain about not being able to do missions on mobile either (or having a really hard time with it) fskjhfksj but there are for sure people who would think mobile is better so 🤷‍♀️ to each their own! ahah does anyone in your family have a windows laptop/pc? steal borrow it 🤪

i definitely miss the easier days!! it’s fun going to an area with lower level enemies bc i defeat them so easily.. but then again their drops also aren’t as good so you trade one thing for another i guess lol

ikr?!?!?? like we get it you’re inseparable omg.. it’s so cute when they go seek out asahi as well and hinata hides behind kageyama and then points and at him like he’s showing him off.. lives in my mind rent free 😌

oh i see!!! that’s so brave of you omg you knew all that and still decided to give it a shot? fshfkdsjf. it was. insane. like talking about the positives only, it was just everyone going crazy every time there was a single hint of klance is canon king and just ugh. it was all so exciting and hype and like the energy you know?? especially when there were conventions where they were revealing trailers or new info wow tumblr was buzzing.. (reminds me of when klance was top ship.......) i miss that kinda environment tbh! but also now that i’m in uni i don’t think i’d have the energy to keep up fhskfjds

(WHAT IF WE KISSED!! IN GENSHIN CO-OP!! HAHA JK... UNLESS?! that’s so funny fskdj but i wish 😔😩 makes a second reroll account just for this? HAHAAH. and noooo even if we didn’t do anything i feel like it’d be so fun just running around hfkdsjs. and maybe i could carry you w your quests it’s always been my dream to help someone out like my brother can just come into my world and one-shot enemies 😩 but maybe some day!! cross-server will happen)

:((((((((((( S1 KEITH AND S8 KEITH THE GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT 😭😭😭😭 keith went from being a lone wolf expelled from the garrison to finding his MOTHER!! AND THE BESTEST SPACE WOLF DOGGO!! AND LEADING A FKN ITNERGALACTIC ORGANISATION!~!!!eASKJDHSAFHEHFSDIUHSAZODUQWEQWYRHIASKJDNCSOUADHB. marmora!keith............. both a blessing and a curse.... but that uniform tho 🥵

i cried!!! so much watching that scene lmao!!! can’t remember how i felt at the time but i was probably also surpirsed.. and ikr? that’s poetry in its own tbh we love that keith said the most ‘expressive’ and ‘emotional’ lines the most

sunset scene... sunset scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg yeah them just calling out for each other’s names first like??? explain please?? omg also remember when keith chose lance in the quiz.. AND LANCE CALLED KEITH THE FUTURE? FUCKING EXPLAIN???????? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! there is no heterosexual explanation. okay but now that you’ve put sunset scene in my head... either rewrite where lance was looking for keith to confess to him bc they were going back to space and he wanted to get it out or.. in the future where klance are together and lance has a dream about it and suddenly realises wait. did keith already like me back then. and then they talk about it ... hmmmmm . AND WOOOO NO PROBLEM!! HOPE YOU ENJOY <33

i def have to look at the other versions!!! honestly this meme is kinda the best thing out there rn so many cute baby renditions of charas.. blessed!! i love them all sm...

thank you!! hope yours have been great too, and school is treating you well :**

ANYWAYSBSJS (i cant stop thinking abt the minor detail of the mutual pining and driving everyone insane bc of it THATS SO ME IIII- and then semi putting an arm around- hhhhh AND THEN US INTERACTING AAAA we’re so chaotic pls THATS SO US- HDBAJbsshsbsj)

goodmorning!! i hope today treats you well! 💝💕💓 i just took my AP gov midterm exam and it was surprisingly easy? im not confident in the written portion but ITS FINE I HAVE AN A IN THAT CLASS ITS FINE- three exams down,,, five to go HDJSJ-

and yeah i totally get what ur saying about being social!! i miss seeing ppl too,, but im kinda glad? i had a beeeeeg friend group before quarantine and now i barely talk to ppl from school (that friend group was toxic LMAO) but i’m way more confident? like i know how to stand my ground now and be more of who i am rather than a shadow of who i am- idek my brain is on government rn still 🤡🤡 AND AAAAAA take ur time!! i usually study tutorials and look at other ppl’s art and if i see smth i like, i take it and make it my own w a twist!! AND YEAH?? colors are so hard to do!!??!!? my palettes are yikes... if u ever wanna see my art lmk bc i will just link my instagram HAHSBS-

NOOO PLS IM SO TALL >:( i am the tallest person here istg. fear me. i love hugging ppl bc they usually place their chins on my head or on my shoulder and it just makes me :D NDJSJDDK YOU TACKLING SUGA OUT OF NO W H E R E that’s such a funny mental image for me HDJSKDK and no. no u

OOOOO that sounds so interesting?? a natural born leader to me tbh. you could be a producer and help people’s dreams come true!! >:O that sounds to me like it would suit you well tbh,,, a teacher and a producer. :O and im actually taking comp sci this year! i like it,, it’s honestly pretty fun — i just wish my teacher wasn’t so confusing? she’s nice but doesn’t explain v well, i think it would be better to learn from her in person. but w the pharmacy thing i already know i don’t wanna go into that bc i’m struggling a lot w chem already :// and u really thought i had the braincell? im honored but also.. no BDJSNS -🧸

<33333 IM GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT THO ;-; HEHEH i had fun heh

ur so cute, good morning to you too!!! and OOF, I did not take ap gov in hs whoops. I’M GLAD YOU FOUND IT EASY THO. and it’s okay!!! you got this I believe in you <3 

OOO no I totally get that, i’m assuming you’re a senior in high school and this is just based off of my experiences and a lot of others and i’m sure pandemic really nailed it in, but by my junior and senior year in hs that was when I found my more, uh, reliable friends? but I also broke off from my group once I hit college and that’s when you really find the people you can rely on! i have a smol lil group now but it’s all really tight knit and I talk to each person at least like once a week, some more than others but that’s just how the other person works too yk? SO i’m really happy you parted from the toxicity!! don’t need that!!! and i’m glad you’re more confident too!! that’s really good. YOU’LL FIND MORE PEOPLE YOU VIBE WITH AND WORTH YOUR TIME SOON ENOUGH. there will be moments you feel alone and if you do, just remember you got me and the other lovely anons <3 

side note but omg if you are a senior in high school that means when I was a senior, you were a freshman and I was friends with a few back in high school since I was in band and a lot of them latched onto me alsdjflajsdf. i still talk to a few of them here and there and they also reach out to me occasionally so like owo

HNNG i follow a lot of artists on Instagram that i’m like wow, I love that art style and that art style and that art sty- BUT OMG I would love to see your Instagram,,, 

SURE WHATEVER YOU SAY ASDKFHASKDJF. i love it when people place their head on top of mine AHHH. that’s what I do to my shorter friends too and i’m like, wow I understand what it’s like to be tall and to hug people shorter than me. 

DSAJFDASFJ ITS funny cus I feel like I'm so LAZY LMAO. i always describe myself as “ah well if no one else will I guess I will” unless it’s something i’m really passionate about (like i loved band so I went for that section leader position ADSFJAD). but it’s also cus I like fucking around but i’ll get my shit together if I need to aSDFJDASKJF 

OOOO COMP SCI?? is it one of the AP classes? i’m glad that’s becoming more popular across schools,,, i think what saved me when I took CS in high school was just,,, lots of googling. also I guess kinda codeacademy??? 

IT’S OKAY. you’ll fine a way to forge your own path I believe in you!!! 

YOU NEED THE BRAINCELLS THO FOR YOUR TESTS SADLFJASDFJ

Having a hard time w depression rn suddenly.

I Think the hyperfocus/special interest obsessive glee was sort of covering it up and I realize I cant make final decisions abt which things to buy for some things without talking to someone at a pet store (for example I want to find the cheapest good quality tank heater, I dont want to risk overheating or under heating the tank water, but $16 is the max I'd like to spend on it unless I can get everything else on my list for less $ than I'm finding rn) and or going to a store (for example I cant find any pricing for single small terra cotta pots online, I dont need 20 of them) and idk. Depression brain is making talking to people or going places seem like a huge amount of effort, especially for something like this frog tank that I might not actually end up doing, but also in general. I had a good like, 3 weeks or so? Of my mood being like, really fucking good, neutral to positive consistently, even when i had negative thoughts i was able to push through and get up and challenge myself to enjoy things and I felt good. And I put off talking to ppl and now i feel just numb-empty-negative-unhappy and everything seems like too much work and I cant do it and then I feel worse and i dont know why im like this. Why cant I be excited without being afraid and overthinking and making a small action seem like climbing a mountain, why cant I just manage to float mood wise instead of sinking, why was I able to last week and suddenly im just sitting in a pit looking out at the world. The day is sunny and bright and I sit inside and feel frustrated with my own brain and inability to explain any of this to anyone, it doesnt make sense. I used to talk to people all the time and replying to messages or whatever was nbd, and now the idea of having to open up a message and respond has something inside me twisting with fear and exhaustion and I dont understand why. I dont want it to be this way. I cant figure out how to go from cringing away from the idea of answering a text (why???) To being able to text and chat and stuff. This is a really fucked up intersection of anxiety and depression, idek. I can say my response in my head! I cant open an app and type it. Or say it. I cant call my sister's friend who owns a aquatic pet store to ask about stuff I have questions about, or for recommendations/if they have certain products or the frogs. I know sort of what I want to say. But I couldnt actually do it. The idea of picking up the phone and doing so fills me with fear. Why??? Theres no reason. I dont know. Im tired. I want to go back to sleep. I dont function. I can pretend to, I did for work, I used to for school, without either im just floating. And feeling empty. And stupid.

NSFW Ask Game. Here we go ^^ 12 14 and 15 I know for sure but you can make it a list as if you were hashtagging 22. Kinda random but interesting XD 33. Non-conventional things are always intriguing. Especially in this case since you both write smut, half of which that may involve your kinks 48 72 76 Always a "fun" experience lol 93 INTERESTING 94 A bit heavy but I like that it's honest on a personal level 96 My questions may be a bit boring compared to the rest. Thanks anyway ^^

S:

12. Have you ever been fisted (anally or vaginally)

No; I’ve come close a few times, and I’ve always wanted to try it, but I feel like there’d be more working up to that than me and most of my partners have ever been willing to really put into it. :s Maybe someday, lmao.

14. Do you have any kinks?

Nope. None at all. No kinks. I’m soft and innocent uwu.

15. Are you into anything under the BDSM umbrella?

I mean, like…. Most of them? I’m Not a sadist, and my masochism only goes to a certain extent, but like… Everything else, yes good pls.

22. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve done nude?

Uhm…. ??? I honestly don’t know? I’m not super comfortable just casually walking around naked? Like, if I’m ‘nude’ i’m usually either showering or having sex, so like… I guess one time I was probably walked around ‘naked’ at one of the dungeons I used to frequent? I don’t remember honestly, but that was probably the case.

33. Describe your masturbation routine, technique, etc.

Uhm… Honestly I have toys, so if I’m by myself, it’s very little teasing? I’m going to basically either fuck myself or else just hold a vibrator to my clit. Sometimes I’ll turn on porn, but a lot of times it’s more… functional than that? I don’t masturbate a lot unless it’s just to let off tension. I much prefer sex with other people.

48. Are you turned on or off by foreskin, or don’t care?

I’m 100% ambivalent. It’s just a thing?? I don’t think it matters to me either way?

72. How many rooms of your house/apartment/etc. have you had sex in?

The current house, just the one. Our old apartment, probably like… 3? It’s very hard when you share living space, lmao.

76. Have you ever been caught masturbating/having sex?

Listen, I will never Stop apologizing to Ashly for having sex in her bed? But mostly no? I’ve been caught making out or groping a couple of times, but never during actual sex or masturbating.

93. If you had the opposite set of genitals for a day, name 5 things you would do.

Uhm… probably freak out a bit, honestly? Like, let’s be real, it’s a cool thing to think about but also my body randomly changing shape during the night? Super freaky. After I chilled a little though, like… jack off, figure out how a prostate works, probably see about finding a way to fulfill some of the fantasies I’ve talked about with an actual penis instead of a strap on… That’s four, I think? Idk, what do people with dicks do?? Glory hole, maybe??

94. What’s something you like about your body?

Hoo buddy, that is not a good question for me rn. I’ve been having some, uh… body issues lately,, :s So I don’t really… Yeah.

96. What body parts do you find the sexiest?

On other people?? Uhm… I think it depends on the person? I mean I’m pretty stereotypically attracted to like… chest, legs, etc. But also, like… collarbone/neck areas sometimes, and sometimes it’s just little things? Idk how to explain it, but I’ve always been one of those people who just like… once I care about my partner I think they’re gorgeous, like… always.

On like… strangers/celebrities and stuff, I go pretty stereotypical though. I really like nice thighs, I guess?

b

12. Have you ever been fisted (anally or vaginally)no,,m Rlly rlly tight like..even one finger hurts dgkhjf but the Thought is #nice

14. Do you have any kinks?ur resident innocent boy has only (3) main kinks !! daddy kink, praise n petplay........also i guess u could call it size kink? just im rlly small n i like Being small? pidked up n put in laps n just,,like being small otl also petnames make me weak..esp kitten n baby (boy)

15. Are you into anything under the BDSM umbrella?im....the biggest sub fsdjkh i dont like pain or anything though fgkjdh im just..A Big Soft Sub

22. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve done nude?uhhhh nothing? i hate...the way i look so i try not to be naked Ever skfdjhfdskj except when showering ofc

33. Describe your masturbation routine, technique, etc.uhhhhh there is None bc i dont masturbate fsdkhj

48. Are you turned on or off by foreskin, or don’t care?i dont think id care? ive never seen A Live Dick so ill let u know if that changes sdfkh

72. How many rooms of your house/apartment/etc. have you had sex in?none and immmmm not rlly planning on changing that dfjkh

76. Have you ever been caught masturbating/having sex?uhhhh kind of got caught fingering my friend so hkfjsd thats a thing

93. If you had the opposite set of genitals for a day, name 5 things you would do.o Wow okay id jerk off a lot.......thats probably it jfkhfgd

94. What’s something you like about your body?i like how small i am dfkjsh everything about me is just Small like im 5′1 n barely 100 lbs n my hands are tiny tiny tiny too fdfjkhg its nice

96. What body parts do you find the sexiest?stereotypically....chest n arms sfdhjk lips and tongue are nice aesthetically n so are necks/collarbones

My notes cause I don't need them anymore (not a hail Mary attempt)

To the girl I've spent countless hours and days with I still love you more than life itself even though I may not need you i want you in my life your cute little smile when you fuck something up or when you can't reach something and you need my help your laugh and smile is euphoric and your character as a whole is amazing i love spending every waking moment with you you have been so helpful and kind to me hell you got me through many tough times and I'm sorry I am so inactive and don't like going out much I'll try to work on that but i just wnant to hold you in my arms forever and keep you close to me and safe you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous you will make a wonderful mother one day to our children or otherwise and I envy whoever you end up choosing if it's not me there's a couple of things i want to do again with you like another concert where it feels like just you and me or another round at the fair itd be wonderful i love you Rebekah so much I hope you know that and I miss you a lot too its 2 am so im gonna go to sleep goodnight  i promise if i have anymore to say ill come back and add on sleep well my beautiful angel <3 funny thing is im typing this to make myself feel better like im talking to you even though you probably won't ever see this i pray that you will find what you need in life you mean so much to me i told my new coworker about you and how gorgeous and smart you are i really wish i could just tell you all of this but you want me to stay away  i really hope we find our happily ever after whether it be together or apart but you will always be so many of my firsts and so many of my fondest memories <3 today I told my new coworker how proud I was of you getting your car and how you bought it yourself i really miss hugging you and cuddling you and seeing your gorgeous ass self you are really amazing and i love you so much I'd die/take a bullet for you in a heartbeat but today i really came to a realization you probably won't like to hear if you get back together with me i realized that even though im a little chubby and should really work out more i am the whole package I will be a great husband and have a great future and whomever decides to come along for that ride would really enjoy it i feel so if you weren't to come back you're missing out on a guaranteed great husband and great future which yes i know confidence much maybe almost downright cocky but I'm happy with what the future holds for me and whomever decides to come with me and if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times i wish it could be you i really do cause despite my being scared of you potentially cheating I have faith and deep down i know you won't cause you are honest and real with me (unless you weren't in which case awwwkwaaarrrdd) but yeah you'd be a great mother and whoever you marry will be lucky and happy they have you and same thing for me :) you know the funniest thing anytime i text anyone and so ok i love you too your name pops up first in my next word choice box cause that's what I did i loved you hell i definitely still do and for some reason if you asked me to marry you there would be no hesitation no i need time to think just one word yes cause that's who i am and that's how head over heels i am for you i want to hug you bad hell I'd give away my paycheck to fucking see and talk to you again and make you fall in love all over again you did something no one and nothing could do you made me truly happy like true true happiness i love you so much Rebekah sleep well baby girl I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow you are the bestest ever forever <3 lol today was my first ever college football tailgate with my church college group in Greenville today was also one of those days I was sad but i wasn't at first i was fine just felt a little out of place but quickly threw myself in and i got away from everyone for a bit and checked snapchat and saw that you finally got your tattoo and I was so happy for you but sad at the same time cause I wanted to be with you maybe get one with you but sadly i missed that milestone

Im sorry for missing your first tattoo I wish i couldve been there for you and with you im so proud of you cause your tattoo couldn't be truer you are coming from nothing and making big strides that's a big accomplishment I love you hell maybe I'll get a tattoo soon you never know i saw the flirting posts that i "liked" so i unfollowed you on everything cause it hurt so much i like instantly started crying and what do they have i don't you are killing me it broke me all over again i did everything I could to make you happy i tried so hard and it feels like you're really not fighting or trying to better yourself it feels like you just want to get with someone else cause I wasn't enough for you my efforts meant nothing today a Sunday night i was with my small group and you "accidentally sent me a video of you showing off your new tattoo the day or so after i removed you from all social media since i found out unfriending doesn't make me disappear on your end so i blocked you sorry but i have to thank you for understanding and being respectful so recently I've really been going after God and it came to my attention that i was wanting you to be something you can't be and weren't designed to be aka i wanted you to satisfy me completely which is impossible only God can do that also i lusted after you so much even though i had so much love for you aswell but my lust being me using you for my benefit aka my happiness and stuff was wrong i should've been more loving aka sacrificial of myself to benefit or help you and I'm so very sorry about that i wish i couldve been a better leader for you sadly for right now at least it seems i am too late hey i just wanted to say even if we don't get back together I'm really glad i met you you were a wonderful first also you'd be proud of me i was gogogo for 17/18 hours from 4:50am to 9:53pm thats kinda insane for me lol I'm so happy today like i feel hella blessed and loved and it's not necessarily from a person i just feel so in touch with God rn i know ur probably like smh but for real im like on fire its awesome but i just wanted to let you know even though you might never see this and if you do its been a hot minute lol but it's not to hurt you it's to show you i guess my self improvement slash progression of life in general i suppose  also just wanted you to know but im sure u already do you are a really beautiful woman and I am saying that cause i can appreciate a beautiful woman you don't have priority anymore but i just wanted to let you know that god bless that was hard to explain but even that is obscure IM NOT HITTING ON YOU IM JUST APPRECIATING GOD'S CRAFTSMANSHIP BAM there we go ok so just looked at pictures of us on my phone and hot damn you fine lol (still appreciating the craftsmanship) hey its been a bit i went on a retreat with fuse and it was amazing i met a lot of guys and girls and am continuing to talk with some of the girls but the more i talk with them the more i miss talking with you i really wish we could at least be friends again but i guess not :( I'm glad I met you Rebekah you were a fantastic first girlfriend I just want you to know im not mad with you i respect your decision wholeheartedly you were great and hell I'll say it I miss you you were really fun to hang with i wish to tell you this but alas I'm here and you're nowhere to be seen in my life and I can almost guarantee you're not as affected and definitely not to the degree I am (it's not so bad for you you have to  journal your experience of life without me) part of my heart is with you and always will be because the sex we had same thing with you part of your heart will always be with me and im sorry for that today i thought about you and when you told me that you imagined us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and it kinda made me think and i was like you probably gonna come back and I hope you do but if you don't that's highly unfortunate  it's felt like months since we saw eachother last but it's only been like 1 and a half  longest month of my life tbh

Its 9/23/19 I'm gonna talk to your mom tomorrow after i get off work to check up on how everyone is doing you will probably hear a little or everything that's going on with me it may not attract you in fact it's very possible it'll repel you but hey it really doesn't matter you're an awesome girl and I'm a pretty cool dude lol if you decide to go separate ways that is your choice and I'll respect it even if it saddens me because I'm moving forward  which is something else I never thought I'd be where i am today this early but I hope you you do come back you did make my life happier but now I'm happy even without you which is awesome I swear to never rely on you for my happiness I will look more towards the Lord and walk towards him with you by my side and no more big mistakes oh btw I talked with your mom and I'm glad I did your mom is a good mom I really miss you and your family and I keep praying for you guys and for clarity of who I'm meant to be with or if im not supposed to be with you at all and last night I dreamed about you so I think that was God telling me i need to be with you but I don't know I want to be with you don't het me wrong but I don't want to misinterpret my dreams it's now 9/27/19 and it hurt me to hear you were dating someone tbh but I'm glad you are getting out there and I'm happy for you regarding how well you are doing at church what I don't think is good is that you're dating someone that doesn't know the lord he has someone for you that knows and loves him thus you shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion but as i said I just want the best for you

" we do bible shit"