Fic tag game

got tagged by @fangeek-girl ❤️❤️

How many works do you have on Ao3?

I have 7 works but 3 of them are fanfic lol

2. What's your Ao3 word count?

1896 words total. Your girl is definitely one for brevity LOL

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Wednesday, that one drabble I made for The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, and I've been writing for Star Wars (though I haven't posted anything yet) and Mrs maisel (i wrote a whole short fic for that almost a year ago but I forgot about it completely until I found it in my notes apps, I should get around to posting it)  

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I don't have 5 fics total but here's my current count in order:

1-Lies

2-The world's a little blurry

3-Pretend

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes always! the fact that people are READING my stuff and taking time to comment has me 🥺🥺🥺

My writing ao3 isnt linked to my main email adress though so sometimes it takes me a while to respond because I wont see it until I periodically check my fic stats

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

.....Probably The world's a little blurry let's be real (I'm going to fix it it in the next one in the series, I promise!!!)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

akdadhjgsjgd hard to say all my shit is angsty, I guess Pretend?? kind of, it's less of a downer than the other ones. The final part of Come a little closer will have a happy ending though I promise! (already finished writing the end, I just need to write the beginning lol)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No ❤️ I don't think any of my stuff has gotten enough attention for that lol

9. Do you write smut? What kind?

NO my ace ass has no experience with that so I wouldn't know how 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️(I might need to in some future project, fortunately a lot of my friends are perverts (affectionate) so I could probably ask for some guidance if it comes to that LOL)

10. Do you write cross-overs?

No, I'm not a big fans of crossovers in general so certainly have never felt compelled to write one.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No

12. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

No

13. What WIP you would like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

So many ugh I cant even choose, it's more rare for me to actually finish something than the opposite, that's why I'll never post anything unless the whole thing is finished (only exception is my current series, but that's because I felt like each fic making up the series were self-contained enough that they didn't need to follow up immediatly to work? if that makes sense - plus the first one was a one shot and only thought of how to follow it up after posting it)

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

ANIDALA MY BELOVED

15. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm really good at imagery and emotion (being a poetry writer goes brrrrr)

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

DESCRIPTIONS oh god I'm so bad at it. My fic are vibes only lmao, what are they wearing? where are they? what movements are they doing? NOT IMPORTANT how about I offer you 12 metaphors on how this character is feeling instead. (though I'm forcing myself to work on it haha)

I also struggle with any longer story arc... there's a reason all my stuff is so short lol

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

If it's in french it would be pretty fun since it's my ✨first language✨ hehe. For other languages I'd see if one of my friends speak it but otherwise idk if I'd include it bc I don't want to butcher another language, I've seen too many english authors put french through the ringer it's painful 😭

18. First fandom you wrote for?

I guess Julie and the Phantoms? I never posted it but I had a pretty advanced fic for that. unless you count the 13 reasons why fic I posted on wattpas when i was early teen but we dont talk about that

19. Favourite fic you've ever written?

right now it has to be The world's a little blurry, I just love how it came out hehe

20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

none right now.

Anyway tagging @nonamemanga @beri-allen @unlifeira @realmermaid333 @suchaladyy @witchysith @king-crimson-works @theycallme-thejackal and anyone else who might want to do it!

ugh why isnt the read more thing working...had to delete that trauma dump 🫠 back to the notes app i guess

social pressures eating my ass up.......... i freak out about making new irl contacts online, as in adding someone i met in real life ; and im also insecure trying to measure up with my few instagram numbers on my private account. because my numbers are low, its like im elevating the ppl that i do have contact with, like those 20 ppl are my bffs, which is not at all true. its a couple past dating app matches, a really few legit friends, a few of their friends, loose university contacts.

i want everyone to see me quietly, unknowingly, and know that im interesting.

i dont want to make new contacts.

i dont want to be "someone who cares about this".

so many ppl from my major have hundreds of followers, insta baddies, strangely preoccupied with a niche aesthetic, that at the end still feels alien to me. i wanna be like that, but also i havent been collecting contacts since years ago, and i feel like i still dont do it "right" currently, i dont wanna add new contacts... i dont want to look at and care for other people, i want people to care for me, reinforce me!

i feel like i need a token friend in my learnt language (my major). it feels, seems easy for others to do, n i feel like im late again, just like in all my teens about making friends and making steps in socialization. i am at the same time literally running from the exchange student i ended up in contact with. and it makes me feel small that i dont wanna meet her. and if i think about my therapist picking at this and asking why, i get soooo annoyed. ik its telling something, it may be regressive to not engage, but i wont cuz i have a lot on my plate rn, even if i miss this specific opportunity. might be bc of the selfishness of give me x, but i dont wanna give you anything.

reading back, all this seems so juvenile. its not like people have more authentic connections cuz they have instagram contacts.

i hate my therapist for making these problems so everyday in their nature, like what steps can we do to do that simple thing that im insecure about. in my brain i know it, i have the voice telling me it, that its not glorious and not dramatic and not huge, but i dont internalize ngl!!! cuz i hate the ungloriousness of it!! i preemptively feel stupid about them. i take them seriously, but it feels like this sentiment wants to cancel that, emotionally. they are huge things for me, and it feels so dissatisfying that others are incapable of seeing me/it that way, that its just another small thing for them, my big step a dust in their universe..... is that self-centeredness and immaturity? i mean yea. is it also perhaps a wound? i mean it could be?

i have other friends i havent written back to in a year. i have my high school classmates i was never comfortable with. ik its mostly about getting over it. no ones even forcing my hand to be besties with anyone, to go back and befriend my high school class at a reunion. it just comes back exactly because im stressed and insecure ----------

this loneliness sucks so fucking bad!

i hate overindulgent introverts bc this is that side of me! wallowing in own sadness. i wanted to believe i just have to believe in connection with other people, but it doesnt necessarily work just like that. i cant know. i cant decide. i cant just go in and feel fine and connected always. the answer to this particular step isnt "just suck it up and extrovert more". its not "introvert and find yourself cool by yourself" either.

i dont want it to be "stop thinking about yourself so much" either. cuz come on >:( i have to be between people all day everyday, changing situations, how could i stop perceiving my percepted perception! instagram is that perception hyperrealized. its an imitation and caricaturization of that same reality, but also it *is* a part of reality, its not like its not. ugh

Tinsworth fics

Just a long list of tinsworth fics I really enjoyed!

I may add a few to this in the future but for now this is it ~

[[MORE]]

Completed:

Blood by icantwritegood

C.C. Tinsley, a sharp-tongued P.I. with an unwavering focus on justice and a need to give people what they deserve, is contacted by a mystery caller to help solve a murder in a quiet seaside town. His arrival is akin to a very big rock dropping into a very small pond.

The Goldsworths are a rich family with the entire town in their pocket. A stranger in their midst is not welcome, but he seems to refuse to leave, no matter the consequences. Someone was murdered, and he intends to find out who did it, and to give everyone what they deserve along the way.

The consequences come hard and fast. Some people just don't like what they deserve.

Catch me if you can by Chromission

A game of cat and mouse turns into an unexpected union.

How will it all end? Where will their allegiance lie? Who left their fake mustache at a crime scene -again?

Did someone say "slow burn?" -I think so!

There will be shenanigans, jam out sessions, mystery and wheezing. Some cameos from the BFU universe?

After the dust settles by nervous_artist

After Tinsley is abducted by some particularly nasty mob bosses, Ricky has to swoop in to rescue his damsel in distress.

The Ricky Goldsworth case files by luckysam78

a detective falls in love with his best friend, who happens to be a manipulative criminal mastermind but still has room in his heart for love. unfortunately, there are more obstacles separating them from each other than they expected

Ongoing:

Siberian Nights by icantwritegood (hiatus)

Holly Horsley's client is murdered. She hires private detective C.C. Tinsley to find out the who, what, and why of the situation at hand. Tinsley is a liar, a cheater, and a general bad person, who's not afraid of the grittier details in life. This is why she believes he can do it.

But what happens when he comes head-to-head with a wily hitman who is just as determined to come out alive as he is?

Letters left on your desk by Raisans_Grapeon

A series of one-shots in no particular order, detailing the 9 month exchange between detective C.C. Tinsley, and the infamous serial killer, Ricky Goldsworth, who's pseudo-name is "The Golden Killer" or simply "Gold." Almost all of the re-accounts are told via the various, and daily letters exchanged between the two foes, and focuses on the unlikely friendship that seemed to spur.

The Good Lie by icantwritegood

The Hand Of Fate by Greenoctober

C.C. Tinsley did not become a detective to cover up crimes. Certainly not for an asshole named Gold who he'd never even met. By god if he ever met him he'd put him in jail.

Ricky Goldsworth going by the name Gold is a hired killer, working for the Mafia to kill those that try to cheat them, not that he wouldn’t be killing anyways, its just nice to get paid for it.

The first time they meet in person was part of no one’s plan, or was it?

Rogues sleep by nervous_artist

C.C. Tinsley is the sheriff of a dusty western town. Set with the task of stopping a series of train robberies, he runs into a peculiar criminal with the name of “Goldsworth.” This criminal has stolen a lot, and Tinsley’s heart is next on the list.

We make quite a team by notmadejsbian

C.C. Tinsley isn't the biggest fan of Ricky Goldsworth, but when it comes down to tracking down a new notorious criminal, he's his best chance at catching this crook.

While following this case, the two learn more about each other's pasts, each other's feelings for each other and how fucked up the malicious Dr. Fear really is.

The art of murder and romance by henloamhere

C.C. Tinsley—a detective struggling to keep his head above the rising waters of San Francisco crime.

Assigned with the Golden State Killer, he investigates day and night. Each investigation leads to a dead end.

Ricky Goldsworth—a billionaire and playboy extraordinaire.

No one can say anything to incriminate him, whether it is because there is nothing to incriminate him with or plain fear of him, yet many are smitten at the Golden heartthrob.

Theories and enemies by justabagel

When Detective Charles C. Tinsley decided on this whole detective gig, he never thought that his vast knowledge of crime and murder would backfire on him. Now accused of arson, murder, and kidnapping, Tinsley is thrown into a whole new world of trouble. That’s when he meets Ricky Goldsworth, a serial killer with too much charm for his 5’10 body. The flirty killer offers to get the detective out of his jam in exchange for... what? Tinsley doesn’t know.

Death and all his friends by Chromission

C.C. Tinsley and Ricky Goldsworth haven't seen each other since Ricky dropped out of university without a word.

In 1967, the private investigator finds the chance to reconnect with an old flame he hasn't seen in 6 years.

As always, situations are rarely ideal or legal. At this point you can't tell if the Turkish cotton sheets are stained by blood or red wine.

The ongoing case of Ricky Goldsworth by hentailobster

*Old York is usually not a remarkable town in any sense of the word, but as if to make up for lack of activity it suddenly brings upon its citizens a double murder, a mysterious stranger and a lanky detective. Of course, he's been there for some time.

The tinman and the devil by snapdragonpop007

Tinsley had never wanted to go back home--he had closed that chapter of his life and burned it and started an entirely new book.

And then a case brings him back to Fayetteville, and as hard as Tinsley tries to leave, he finds himself stuck there, caught up in old cases and old blood and a man named Ricky Goldsworth.

wandering the roads of love by blowmedemons

decided to get all my tinsworth works in one place. for, yknow, easy access.

There’s no tranquility in death by killmongerrrr

“Is it peaceful?” He asks one night, sad eyes watching the jerky movements of his ceiling fan.

The bed dips as the spirit lies beside him. “No, it isn’t.”

___

CC Tinsley, along with his partner Francesca Norris, is a detective investigating a string of vigilante murders where victims are found disemboweled. Ricky Goldsworth is a medium who’s haunted by spirits. He kills their killers to help them pass on, but in turn is haunted by those he murders.

Killer on repeat by tinsworthisunderrated

My name is Richard James Goldsworth and I was a serial killer. This is the story of my life, well at least the crucial details. I’m telling you this because I need you to know my story. I am one of many stories that you need to find. This story begins in the winter of 1922.

Oneshots:

The very thought of you by notmadejsbian

In a world where Ricky Goldsworth is a detective and C.C. Tinsley is a serial killer, there's still an unspoken affection C.C. desperately wants to address.

Bang! by Greenoctober

Bang!

A look of shock crossed the face inches from Tinsley’s. The knife that had been held to his throat dropping as the man stumbled backwards.

Bang!

The man fell forward as a second gunshot echoed through the room. Tinsley looked up. Standing in the door to their apartment was his Ricky.

Alternatively by rydellon

He says “his ticket” with a loose tongue, because the ticket originally belonged to one Hamlet Christianson, who Ricky had borrowed the ticket from the night before. The man wouldn’t be needing it anymore, in fact, he would never need anything again in his life.

But the people on this train didn’t need to know that.

You talk too much, detective by Ourladyofresurrection

Prompt! From dogsareradical on tumblr: “Tinsworth for ‘are you drunk’ or ‘I’m fine.’”

In which Tinsley talks sweet to Ricky and Ricky pretends like he’s not flustered over it.

For what it’s worth (I’m desperate) by emptyswimmingpools

Tinsley doesn't like Goldsworth, but he's quite literally the lesser of two evils.

Or: a detective and a mobster must work together to defeat a much greater threat.

Wait for it by Agf

"I have you bang to rights and you know it. Just admit it," C. C. repeated for what could only have been the fourth time, but which felt like the hundredth.

"Your 'evidence' is purely circumstantial. You can't pin a thing on me," Ricky said, "Which makes sense, seeing as I'm innocent."

Then he winked.

Private Investigator C. C. Tinsley is certain that Ricky Goldsworth is the Sunset Killer. Ricky Goldsworth is certain that spending 24 hours messing with the PI is going to be a lot of fun.

The mysterious vanishing of C.C. Tinsley by Bergarahoe (flannelfeelings)

It's been a wonder for decades- puzzling the nation and all who encounter the story of the Sodder Family.

What happened to detective C.C. Tinsley?

bts smut recs | theme: manipulation

there is something so alluring about the subtle naivety that comes with manipulation. from a reader’s perspective, seeing the character get manipulated/coerced/lured is super interesting to me. watching how they fall for the tactics of the person doing the manipulating. the way they use power, guilt, words and actions to twist the readers minds. here are some fics that do this so fucking well & why im literally obsessed with them. tw: yandere, manipulation, gaslighting, SMUT. 18+ nsfw. i will be adding to this as i find more!

—little lamb so pure let me taint you by @voidswan | this, and its sequel, both loss-of-innocence, manipulative masterpieces. CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. i read this multiple times a week because i can never get over it. taehyungs a lil sneaky bitch and is fucked up. its so well written how he plots and gets her to becoming willing. making her watch p*rn. confusing her. reader goes to him like ~can we do those things brother n sisters do~ fuck. bye. im deceased. | taehyung x reader

—happenstance by @chimoona | this is in my hall of fame of best fics ever. like the concept is super niche, ive never read anything like it. jimin lures oc with how he stalks her on twitter and promises her a manic vinyl. its done so well. the smut is extremelyyyyy hot. unparalleled. rough. this jimin has me weakkkkkk idk what it is like he just goes for it and its dizzying and brilliant. they have a little text exchange too and oc is hot for him and he teases her over it and the way his dialogue is im just - its just - really hot ok | jimin x reader —honey & milk by @cosmostae | im sure yall have already read this but i cannot understate how brilliant it is. the way tae just keeps going and oc has no idea whats going on but she feels so good aw byEEEE. a key manipulative action is to be like- let me do this- and push aside the consequences after. and he does this. and i love it. lol. | taehyung x reader —daddy 2 by @voidswan | if it isnt obvious already, i really like voidswan’s work. fucking AMAZING. literally one of the reasons i even got on this app. this story, the way jungkook just gets in her head ughhhh. and taehyung just rolls up like oh hey. looool. part 1 is awesome too, i like how jk doesnt expect her to be willing but he’s bossy and shameless and hot | jungkook x reader —loose ends by @scribblemetae | this was one of the very first yandere fics i ever read. and this is some of the best smut i have ever read in my existence as a breathing human. this is WILD and i fucking love it. jimin goes crazyyyyyy on oc and she takes it as she fucking should. they way he lures her in. she has no idea who he is from her past at first. amazing. | jimin x reader —a thriller film by @taechaos | i respect authors who are able to give adequate buildup in a oneshot, and this is a PRIME example. the plot sucks you in, its vindictive, thrilling, subtle but so sexy. again jungkook lures her in subtely. also the character (reader) is so interesting and unique in this idk. LOL its good go read it | jungkook x reader —let the villain win by @lemonjoonah | same thing- the build up is IMMACULATE. this joon. sinister. sexy. this is also a full ass thriller. very creatively done. the use of the book and how she reads it and the end while it happens is so fucking cool. i get goosebumps.  | namjoon x reader —cut by @deepdarkdelights | this is a yandere masterpiece. read that again. like this is the sort of yandere type i vibe with a lot. power dynamic manipulation. also my exhibitionist ass loves that they’re literally being watched by a room full of people and she just takes it and she likes it and ugh this actor!taehyung is sexy ok and like how the movie plot is his obsession too love that | taehyung x reader —allegiance by @taequois | i cant even put into words why i love this so much but its so good. the smut is fantastic. he just fucks her like, idk if this makes sense- but just how unexpected and surprised she is like contributes to why its hot. and then possessive!kook is a wholeeee mood in itself | jungkook x reader

if you know of any other fics that fit this subgenre // niche please feel free to send them in!! im always looking for new reads :) i will be posting more rec lists following other oddly specific tropes so that you can find fics you like :))))))))))) sorry if my comments are chaotic. lmao. have a wonderful day <3

Drunk Texting Is(n’t) Bad for Your Health- Chapter One

Series Summary: Talk about your unconventional meet-cute! Bucky receives a text by mistake requesting he prove he's not Reader's sister. The easy dialogue between Reader and Bucky sparks a natural friendship, but could it lead to more? Bucky still deems himself unworthy of any form of affection or love. Reader is hellbent to prove him wrong. With the help of some (meddling) friends along the way, Bucky may get his happily-ever-after after all.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 2101

Chapter Warning: Bad Language Words, tiny bit of angst

A/N: I started this on AO3 awhile ago. Now that I have a blog dedicated primarily to just Marvel/Bucky, I thought I’d add it here, too. Enjoy!

DO NOT copy or replicate without my permission.  

Bucky heard his phone buzz as he was tugging a butter-soft tee over his head. He glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand next to his bed as he worked his arms into their respective holes.

9:36

Steve was long in bed already, so the text most likely wasn’t from him. Sam was on a me me kick-- No, what did he call them? Memes!-- of a disgruntled cat which he swore reminded him of the super soldier. He wouldn’t be surprised if it were him. Or possibly Nat. She picked up the new issue of Guns & Ammo the other day and was sending him pictures of a Mossberg MC1sc 9mm she was drooling over.

Smoothing the body of the shirt over his torso, Bucky ambled over to his bed. He snatched up the phone from the navy blue comforter and flipped it over. To his amazement, the text wasn’t from Sam or Nat. Or even Steve.

(917) 460-5480 work thing boring af. kinda tied one on. might be late meeting you tomorrow

He blinked several times at the message, uncertain how to respond. It was a wrong number, right? Bucky hadn’t made plans with anyone for tomorrow that he could remember. Plus, everyone he knew had the same work thing. And it was rarely boring.

Definitely a wrong number.

He set the phone down near the clock, choosing to ignore the text. Hopefully, whoever this person was, figured out quickly they were texting the wrong number and moved on.

Bucky pulled back the covers before climbing into bed. His body melted into the mattress, muscles relaxing for the first time since breakfast. Training had been non-stop all day today. It felt good to just be, for once.

He grabbed the book he was reading off the nightstand and opened it to the spot he left off. He cleared his mind, as best he could, and concentrated on the words on the page.

A few pages in, his phone vibrated alive again. Another text message.

(917) 460-5480 sis dont be mad youd be drinking too if you had to sit thru one of these business dinners

Bucky sighed. He had hoped his radio silence would have clued this person into their mistake. Wishful thinking. Before he could punch out a reply, another text came through.

(917) 460-5480 timmons is droning on about this new client. kill me now

He quickly typed out a reply:

(917) 308-3117 I think you sent this to me by mistake.

Bucky watched the text indicator pulse as this unknown person worked out their response.

(917) 460-5480 haha very funny sis

Bucky huffed at this person’s disbelief, thumbs working on typing out his next message.

(917) 308-3117 I’m not trying to be funny. I can’t be someone’s sister when I’m a man.

He set the phone down on the nightstand again, hoping this person finally took a hint. He opened his book back up to the current page, taking a deep breath.

The room’s silence was broken again by the loud thrumming of his phone skittering across the surface of the black wood veneer.

(917) 460-5480 how does kevin feel about this so close to the wedding???

(917)460-5480 will you still need a wedding dress or will you just get a tux???

(917) 460-5480 am i still your maid of honor???

Bucky chuckled at this girl (no, young woman) asking the essential questions.

(917) 308-3117 Your sister did not get a sex change. Yes, she will still need a wedding dress. Yes, you are still her maid of honor. Like I said before, wrong number.

An almost immediate reply came through.

(917) 460-5480 prove it

Bucky grew slightly irritated at the insinuation. Why couldn’t she take his word for it? He exhaled loudly through his nose.

(917) 308-3117 How?

A few moments passed before the device juddered in the palm of his large hand.

(917) 460-5480 selfie

Bucky blanched at the request. He could feel the color drain from his face, only to immediately heat with a blush. A selfie? That is the last thing he wanted to do.

Although he’d been exonerated for his crimes as The Winter Soldier, he still knew about the dislike people felt about him as a person, in general. They couldn’t get past the brainwashing or other persona. God knows he still struggled with it.

He couldn’t go broadcasting his face through texts to a stranger. What if she was one of those who didn’t understand he had no say in what he did or what happened to him under Hydra’s control?

What if he ignored the solicitation? He could do that. Maybe even turn off his phone.

She did seem the type to be very persistent until she got what she wanted.

True to form, another text rang through.

(917) 460-5480 i will keep texting until i see your manly face

One corner of his lips quirked higher. Yup, persistent.

He navigated to the camera app on his phone and switched it to selfie mode. He stared at the damp locks falling to his shoulders. His beard would require a trim soon, but it wasn’t scraggly. Luckily, he’d had the hindsight to shave his neckbeard in the shower earlier.

Was he considering this? Some girl says jump, and he asks how high?

He combed metal fingers through his hair, blowing out a breath.

(917) 460-5480 im waiting

Bucky growled at the text, running a hand over his face. “Okay, okay. Give me a second,” he said to his phone. He held it up to head height, half an arm’s length away.

Click!

He previewed the picture, assuring himself it didn’t reveal too much. It was, somehow, off-center, containing a bearded chin and half a smirked mouth, one nostril, and a half-lidded eye.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Bucky pulled the messaging app back up and then sent off the picture. He tossed the phone aside, not wanting to watch the taunting blinking dots as he waited for a reply.

The picture was barely recognizable, but someone like Steve or Nat could tell it was him. It would be okay. No one would know.

His phone vibrated violently near him on the bed. Bucky cautiously plucked the device up, debating whether he wanted to read her reply. What if it said, “Holy shit! You’re The Winter Soldier!”? The hope of this woman thinking he was just some regular guy knotted up his stomach. He didn’t know why he cared so much about whether this stranger thought he was The Soldier or not. He had no control over who believed the lies perpetrated as truth through the media. He could only wish for the best.

He blew out the breath he was holding in and eyed the phone’s screen.

(917) 460-5480 is it fair to say men shouldnt be allowed to have long eyelashes??

Bucky laughed and immediately thought of poor Steve.

(917) 308-3117 You should see my buddy’s. The girls swoon and complain at the same time.

He quickly added to the message thread:

(917) 308-3117 Am I correct to assume you believe I’m a man and not your sister?

The response was swift.

(917) 460-5480 oh shit ur not my sister

(917) 460-5480 this isnt 9173083447?

Bucky laughed again, the tension in his chest slowly unfurling.

(917) 308-3117 Unfortunately for you-- no.

(917) 460-5480 ugh im such an idiot sorry for the shit i said

(917) 308-3117 Don’t worry about it. I had a good laugh at your expense.

(917) 460-5480 oh god now i feel like a bigger ass

Bucky suddenly felt like backpedaling. He hadn’t meant for her to feel bad about her mistake. It was cute in a roundabout way.

(917) 308-3117 Please don’t be embarrassed. It was the highlight of my night.

(917) 460-5480 me forcing u to prove ur a man was the best part of ur night??

Bucky thought for a moment. Was it the best part? The training sessions had become monotonous lately, even with the new agents. The team hadn’t been on any missions in a few weeks, so it was pretty accurate to say he was bored around the compound.

(917) 308-3117 I suppose it was. Work’s been a little slow, and there’s only so much training you can do before it becomes tedious.

(917) 460-5480 training? r u in the military? ooh, r u an athlete??

A laugh bubbled up from his chest. It was comical to see her try to guess his profession. His selfie hadn’t announced who he was to her after all.

(917) 308-3117 Something like that.

(917) 460-5480 so mysterious! r u some assassin who needs to keep his identity secret? is that y ur selfie only showed a quarter of ur face??

He paled at the implication. Maybe she did know and was yanking his chain. How did he block numbers again?

Another text came through from the mystery woman:

(917) 460-5480 not that i mind u have a luscious mouth

Bucky guffawed at the comment as flames rose beneath the skin of his cheeks. He hadn’t remembered blushing this much in such a short amount of time in decades.

(917) 308-3117 How much have you had to drink tonight, doll?

(917) 460-5480 doll?? what r u my grandpa??

He chuckled again. God, he was old enough and then some.

(917) 460-5480 enough to not want to shoot my brains out but not enough to know this dinner isnt a party

(917) 308-3117 Maybe you should get back to your dinner? I don’t want to get you into trouble.

He regretted the text the second he pressed send. Was he trying to get rid of her? No. Or was he looking out for her? This person he knew nothing about. She was more entertaining than the recurring nightmare he’d been having for the last week, that's for sure. He'd cling to this unknown to avoid slipping into that black abyss.

(917) 460-5480 aww does the military-trained assassin athlete mchottie not want to talk with me anymore?? 🙁

(917) 308-3117 No!! I’m honestly concerned you’ll be reprimanded if you pay more attention to your phone than Timmons.

The last thing Bucky needed was to feel more guilt, especially if it was at the expense of someone’s livelihood. His shoulders were already heavy enough.

(917) 460-5480 thats sweet but dont worry ur pretty little head over me timmons wouldnt last a day w/o me

(917) 460-5480 timmons may be the boss but i run that office

He simpered at her swagger. He could only imagine what kind of office she worked in because, again, a total stranger. Did he want to get to know her more, or was this a one and done thing? Would she wake up tomorrow and want to continue the conversation or blow him off for the drunken mistake her first text had been?

Bucky stared at his phone for several more minutes, pondering precisely what he was doing and what his expectations of the night were. It’s not like he was going to meet her in person, right? Was he that delusional? He was an Avenger now. He didn’t get a social life. Not that he had one before but still.

He was startled from his reverie as the phone shook in his hand.

(917) 460-5480 did i scare you away??

(917) 308-3117 No. Just thinking about tomorrow.

(917) 460-5480 shit a military-trained assassin athlete mchottie must have a lot to prepare for mentally ill let u get ur rest

He smiled at the gesture. If only she knew.

(917) 308-3117 Send me a text when you get home. I want to make sure you arrived okay.

(917) 460-5480 such a gentleman! i don’t want to wake u if ur asleep tho

(917) 308-3117 I doubt I’ll be sleeping, but it’ll help ease my mind.

(917) 460-5480 alright ill shoot a text ttfn

(917) 308-3117 ttfn?

(917) 460-5480 ta ta for now god u r a grandpa

(917) 308-3117 Yeah, yeah

Bucky’s mouth split into yet, another grin as he set his phone down once again on the nightstand. He picked up his discarded book and found his place on the page. After a few minutes of re-reading the same paragraph over and over, he slipped the bookmark into the gutter of the book. His mind was too preoccupied with the thought of some random girl in the city at a boring work dinner. He realized he hadn’t stopped smiling since they temporarily said goodbye.

Maybe there was a good chance this conversation would carry into tomorrow.

CHAPTER TWO

exes au part 10

post directory

obsetress:

obsetress: this is actually exes au owen and viola and i. hate it

obsetress: i think exes au owen and vi actually really get along like

obsetress: same w hannah and vi

obsetress: like hannah and owen just… water off a ducks back yknow

obsetress: hannah side eyes her a lil more than owen but they always enjoy joining dani n jamie when they go to vi and beccas sometimes

em: big dumb family

obsetress: my big dumb found family

em: i think owen and vi realise they have a mutual passion for: annoying the shit out of jamie

obsetress: rip jamie taylor

em: one day i will stop bullying jamie taylor but its not today!

obsetress: interesting how

obsetress: jamie no parents dani no parents viola no parents

em: (holds back tears) fascinating

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: viola late to brunch, coming from therapy: so have you all heard of reparenting

em: viola is um. peak ‘i don’t do small talk’ she just goes straight into. tell me about ur trauma

em: she doesn’t have time!

obsetress: which honestly tracks for all of them. jamie first date mum woz looez taylor

obsetress: but yeah viola like. all the time more so, can't be assed

em: damie taking the time to make a space for these nice little earnest heavy convos god bless and then violas like (slams take away coffee on table, startling damie, rebecca unphased) so. today in therapy

obsetress: yeah and like she says she's late because she's coming straight out of therapy but she had time to get her $12 cappuccino?

---

obsetress: vi walking into isabel's room n seeing her curled up w rebecca while rebecca reads her a bedtime story

em: ah

em: AH

em: Ahhhhh

obsetress: rebecca looks up n sees her looking and smiles softly back

obsetress: rebecca kisses isabel's forehead and pulls her covers up and slips out to meet vi in the hallway and then just. rests her palms against her chest and beams up at her

obsetress:viola's just kinda staring yk

em: i think a lot about how like, as a woman of her status viola was absolutely sharp as a razor

em: knew like five languages, a lady and a scholar type deal

em: like the closest we get to that mentioned is her insane business n strategy savvy but

em: idk! viola talk dirty to me in middle french

obsetress: all of the above

obsetress: exes au viola speaks french (because duh) n portuguese n mandarin i think

obsetress: yknow business and globalization and all that

em: beautiful

em: oh my god the horses i forgot abt the horses

obsetress: THE HORSES

em: idk enough about horse girl culture but she has that crop for a reason

em: and not just to make me flustered

em: exes au viola has a country mansion or a stable or whatever and an obscene flat

obsetress: her family home

obsetress: LONG WEEKENDS AT HER FAMILY HOME

obsetress: so much potential

em: she’s walking the grounds and she’s pointing out all of the history and violas face lights up for exactly two things

em: destroying a competitor and family

---

obsetress: idk if you've ever watched dead to me

obsetress: different context but, all i could think was

obsetress: vi and rebecca stay over at dani and jamie's once in a blue moon and dani's still asleep and rebecca's working out or smth and jamie wanders into the kitchen and viola's making a french press

----

em: maybe a little buzzed but perhaps. post break up toxic danvi

[spotify link to love me dead by ludo]

obsetress: now i’m thinking about how dani and vi def hook up after they break up and how it def happens multiple times :/

obsetress: dani tops vi every time :/

em: posts danvi post breakup hookup and falls asleep... a cage of my own making bc now I’m thinking about it

obsetress: it’s what you deserve

obsetress: i hope you think about it all day with no outlet because that’s definitely what i’ve been doing

em: i have an outlet i’m gonna draw horny art

obsetress: viola like. inviting dani to a meal post breakup for closure or whatever and dani knows better but she does it ANYWAY because part of her still feels..... y’know. there’s always gonna be something there

obsetress: and viola tells her she’s found a therapist and working on herself and dani just like

obsetress: they finish dinner and dani kinda looks at her and she’s like “can i come home with you?” all matter of fact

em: olivia rodrigo voice i guess that therapist i found for you she really helped (now you can be a better woman for your brand new girl)

obsetress: and then like. dani keeps leaving stuff or viola will be like oh i found another thing of yours and the second dani comes in every time they’re both just. all over each other

obsetress: anyway um dani likes it because she doesn’t have to worry about emotionally regulating viola and can grow and be her own person but then finally they’re in bed one night and vi’s like “what if you just... moved back in”

obsetress: and dani’s just like

obsetress: she YEETS

obsetress: and then they don’t talk for however long and live their lives and never see each other again until the video store

em: i love like um. messy constant on and off danvi

em: actually dani maybe you SHOULD stop fucking your ex

obsetress: honestly SAME idk how we didn’t think of this sooner

---

obsetress: also. remembered i came up with a bunch of stuff for kmd in my notes app when i was tryna fall asleep last night so i opened it up and

[Hannah Notes App Transcription:

Danvi exes - dani actually thinks shes v empowered hooking up with her ex lmfao she’s proud of herself for not getting emotionally involved and doing something for her and thinks thats growth fjdndnkdkf]

obsetress: dani after breaking up with viola, on her way to hook up with viola

em: dani is all my mutuals that are constantly rt things about growth and cutting off toxic ppl in her life n putting out good energy

em: like i um agree w the sentiment but ur not gonna catch me rting it

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: i love her

obsetress: she's so dumb

em: danis severe astrology phase

em: brief but severe

obsetress: her crystal collection

obsetress: i can't stop thinking about the whole. dani hooking up w vi after theyre broken up

obsetress: literally have not been able to stop thinking about it since

obsetress: ugh

em: drunk em is like

em: i dont know where that came from

em: i am terrified of where that came from

obsetress: just absolutely

obsetress: unhinged and so enlightened all at once

em: i cannot stop thinking abt it

obsetress: cannot! stop!

em: i think if dani isnt gonna necessarily be stuck w eddie for like. 2 decades she can get her fix of dumb bitch elsewhere

----

em: more damie vibecca parallels: phat ass gf and lean (well. scrawny mothefucker jamie taylor) gf

obsetress: jamie why are all the women around me always so hot taylor

dani and rebecca and viola: well, actually, you’re—

jamie: wot

em: a truck or a train or whatever goes past n blares its horn every time someone’s abt to reveal to jamie shes Hot

a very very genuine question: so its bad to repost art but no one says anything when people repost things from the source material/creator's sketches.....why?like sure everyone who likes it may recognize the style but there are plenty of fan artists i recognize immediately, new or old art, with or without. to me it just feels the same, like either dont repost art or people should be able to repost stuff, i dont see how they can work at the same time. and this isnt me saying people should be allowed to repost and all that bc i do understand the theory of why reposting hurts artists, just that the logic doesnt seem to fit once it extends to famous artists/creators. just bc its official and easily recognizable makes it okay? how does that work? again, there are plenty of fanartists who are easily recognizable and lose no money when people repost their work (bc they posted it for free) and from my own observation, it seems it just, somehow, makes them want to do art less (from what i have read from artists themselves). why do we not consider that when it comes to official creators? wouldnt they also feasibly be less motivated seeing their hard work plastered across the internet for free when thats the sole way they make their income? and its not a system where its solely sticking it to the man bc it hurts the artists income, as well. but if it makes them happy to see people enjoying and sharing their work with others, drawing interest, why isnt it the same with fan artists? people often repost art, not out of malice or intent to claim credit, but bc they enjoy it + want to share it, esp on social media where sharing isnt a feature (instagram, for example) again im not trying to justify reposting, just confused about the contradiction

First of all instagram does have a form of sharing posts- stories. Which yes they are temporary by default, but you can use the highlight feature to collect your favorite things you’ve shared from people right there on your own profile AND it links back to the original post and can permanently be on your profile as long as you keep it there. You can even label them and everything! But then moving on to answering more of your actual questions

To start: this is a very complicated thing. And I feel everyone trying to answer it might have slightly varied opinions. 

I personally see a pretty clear distinction between ‘Officially published/released’ works (like comic book [as like you’ve probably seen I frequently post comic panels] or other materials that may have been released in creator guides, official video game art, promotional art for things, etc etc) as opposed to like, personal work and fanart. Because with official works:

There’s usually a source to buy it and you should if you’re referencing it a ton (while I don’t own every comic I’ve ever read I do have a lot and if I did read something first through illegal means [because some comics are just straight up hard to find due to age/being out of print] and enjoyed it I try to seek out a physical copy after if possible)

There is a level of far wider recognition (I know you personally might find fanartists’ styles recognizable but like, things that are in mainstream media.. have just such a higher profile. it’s not really comparable) 

If you’re not supporting the official release you’re harming the big company that published it far more than the individual artist (like, the individual artist probably also wouldn’t appreciate it, because it can effect them for sure as well, but they’re not gonna be taking the brunt of the damage unless it was entirely self-published work, which I’d definitely categorize differently from what I’m mainly talking about here.)  

Often fanartists/professional artists who aren’t that well known, in addition to wanting to just create work for the sake of it, also want to build their own platform, to have an audience that they interact with. Or like, if they’re offering commissions, a bigger platform puts you in a position where people will actually see the art and want to commission you. When you say reposts of smaller artists’ fanart doesn’t ‘loose them money’ because they didn’t charge to post it, you’re missing the fact that it makes them loose out on proper linked-back-to-them exposure. Especially like, when a repost account on insta or something says ‘ah yes credit to [username] on tumblr’ the vast majority of people who see it aren’t going to then open up a whole different website and look for the artist. Some people might! but if there’s anything i’ve learned from working professionally in arts marketing it’s that people want things that are convenient and directly in front of them. Someone who wants to see more works because they liked one is significantly more likely to click on the username of someone who posted it rather than opening up a browser or a different app and searching a separate name put in the caption. 

Then honestly, I do feel weird about reposts of professional artists’ more personal works unless the artist has stated they’re fine with people reposting with credit. It should be about the comfort level of the artist. I think a lot of professional artists who aren’t in a position where they’re as worried about building a platform, because they already have one and might have professional connections/opportunities already lined up, might not really care about reposts especially on a website they don’t use. (Like tumblr. I’m coming at this mostly from a comics artist perspective here, but most professional artists I see are waaaay more active on twitter and instagram than tumblr) If it’s a website they don’t use, it’s not taking away from the platform they had been building there for themselves. And also, some artists really just don’t give a shit, which is their choice they can make with their work! But that’s not a universal thing. One artist being fine with their personal art being reposted =/= all artists being fine with it. 

In my own experience as a fanartist, when I see my art reposted without credit, especially when it’s art I’ve also already posted on the same platform... it’s definitely disheartening. Even worse is when the repost gets even more attention than my original post. (something that has happened to me multiple times!) Like, it can get so upsetting!  Because it lets me know that someone else was using my art to build their platform and I got exactly zero benefit out of it. Then when it’s reposted with credit it’s a little less annoying, but I still don’t... get much out of it. Especially if it’s an instagram repost and they credit my tumblr not my account on there, since insta captions don’t actually do links unless it’s to other insta accounts. Also with insta for example, I have a 'business’ account set up so I can look at and track popularity of my posts and see how they’re doing as something to keep in mind when considering posting times, etc etc. When other people repost my art there I have no control over it. That sucks a lot! Also, when I quite literally ask people not to repost my art (it is IN! MY! DESCRIPTION!) and they still do, it’s just straight up disrespectful. I asked for a boundary to be respected with my work and people have just completely ignored it. That doesn’t feel good at all.

But, conversely, I’m gonna talk about my more professional irl work for a sec. I’m a graphic designer, so I do things like posters, logos, etc, When I design a poster for a client that is meant to be advertising something, even if it’s got my own original illustration or something as part of it, I know my name isn’t necessarily going to be attached to it the same way as it is with my personal work. I get a credit line somewhere, but that’s in a fine print probably not even on the poster itself at all, but that’s like, part of what I signed up for. I already get paid separately, I am giving permission for my work to be out of my own hands in that way. Professional work for a client is often setup in some way similar to this. I don’t get mad when I walk down the street and see a poster I made up somewhere without it directly ‘linking’/referencing back to me (aside from maybe my signature if it had an illustration), in fact I go ‘OMG ITS THERE ugh wait i see one pixel is off oh noooooo” and then move on with my day. It’s just an entirely different situation because that kind of work has a different arrangement from the start, where you know it’s going to be put in a different type of circulation.

So yeah, my word isn’t god here, but I definitely see official releases as having a different set of permissions based on the fact that they are published in an entirely different situation. And I think reposts of personal art aren’t cool if the artist isn’t okay with them, no matter how big a platform they have. Other people probably approach this with a slightly different perspective, but that’s mine!

so.. i’m not quite sure how to begin this. i guess i really just need to get something out there regarding my past relationship (well relationships kinda?) and my gender and sexual identity. this is something i need to get off my chest i think and something that, hopefully, will help someone else out?? at least to not make the mistake i made/could have made. i know many people have similar experiences, so i’m not alone in this but.. yeah anyway. everything under the cut

some cw before hand: misgendering, deadnaming, possibly some dubious ???? things around sex ??? done to me (idk how to class it but i just wasnt comfortable w it) though i DO NOT go into any detail. most of this shit i discuss is very vague in how i talk about it but it is mentioned.  

so for the past year about i was in a relationship with this guy. we’ll call him A for convenience sake. before we ever really started dating i came out to A though.... honestly not fully. i just said i was nonbinary and that i dont like being called a girl etc etc. i never REALLY went into how i kinda??? am but really i identify as a guy. i prefer male pronouns etc etc. we spent that night crying together and even after i thought things were good, we hit another rocky patch at the start of our relationship where he didn’t know WHAT to do. after that though it was pretty smooth sailing. A kinda... idk like he would sometimes make shit more awkward than it had to be???? lots of “idk what to call you in this situation” but he TRIED and for that i was grateful. i lied to my friends, and yall im sorry but mostly im sorry to myself, and said yeah no!! he treats me like a boy/like i should be treated etc etc. but this man is STRAIGHT and.... yeah. idk im also sorry to him a bit because i didnt just.. tell him hey no this isnt going to work. clearly you dont like guys like that. im a GUY no matter how i look or what i let other ppl call me bc im not OUT out. but i let this shit happen.

i was thrilled that when i wanted to cut my hair short and shit he was excited and said i’d look great. i was thrilled about a lot of things. i think shit started out okay though i shouldnt have started a relationship with someone who was so out of his own depth and who... wasnt going to be able to love and respect me like i needed. anyway shit continued though and i stopped trying to correct him with any female pronouns or whatever. i... kinda gave into that side of things. it’s not that i DONT like putting on makeup. it’s not that i dont sometimes actually love how i look (i’ve come more to terms with my looks actually) idk im not really gender conforming anyway so yeah.. but i REALLY gave in. when talking to him i even referred to myself as a girl and so on to which he was surprised and i tried to act nonchalant about. i was just really doing myself a disservice. god i even like... cut myself off from my own friends which.. that’s a whole other thing but at that point i had NO ONE who would call me by my NAME not my dead name. who would love and respect me for me. and when i came back to it god it was so fucking refreshing to hear it. 

i apologize if some of this shit seems a bit all over the place. anyway so not only was i fucking myself over and hurting myself but... he honestly didnt.. idk A was kinda a shithead with things!! ngl!!! im still furious that i was like.. okay you can call me THIS nickname and this nickname ONLY. bc it was comfortable enough and wasnt my full deadname yknow?? and at first it was cool but.. he refuses to do that now!! and i just never had the energy to argue with him because i would look like the bad guy. i always looked like the bad guy when i expressed that something made me upset (and that’s a whole other topic of why it’s sooo fucking good i got my heart broken and im no longer dating him.. god he wanted to get MARRIED yall i could have been SO trapped in something SO bad) anyway the thing that pisses me off the most about the name thing though is that he doesnt like his full first name. like he just doesnt like it. and like wants to be called by a nickname. so fine yes god i respect that and call him as such. but why does HE get the respect of a nickname he’s fine with and I do not???? makes NO fucking sense right??

i dont really know where i’m going with this anymore.. anyway i kinda just convinced myself that things would be fine. that i was faking it. that i WAS cis. that i was 1000% okay with all of this!! that if i just got used to it i could love it. that if he touched me in ways i didnt fully like or if he called me things that i didnt like either that.. i would get used to it. that it would be good!! we could be happy!!! honestly i did this with everything in our relationship. be it the small disagreements, the sex, or whatever. ugh.. i was so wrong i was so fucking.. in my own head about it. convinced that like.. NO ONE will love me how i want. no one will see me as i am. so i’ll take this one slight (not at all) victory. i’ll take the fact that i’m loved here and pretty happy for the most part and i’ll run with it. because how WILL i meet someone who likes me like i want and need??? i CANNOT come out. i cant go on dating apps with my actual gender. i cant just.. do any of that. and i met him. he was okay with some shit and he loved me and i loved him and yknow what i’ve GOTTA take it and run. i’m still scared i’ll never really be loved like i should. this is the SECOND time i started a relationship with a probably/def straight guy and came out. first time it was okay but i didnt really like him. he is ?? bi ??? now idk. and then he like misgendered me the second we broke up so lol. 

anyway this doesnt have a happy ending (yet) but i hope it will... and even if it doesnt i hope that if someone reads this and they’re in a similar situation that ur honest with yourself and your partner or whoever. i cant say i wont be an idiot again but i really hope not. this whole experience was much longer and much harder on me than the first guy i dated for like a few weeks in high school. i never want to go through this again.. but yeah i mean i’m still so fucking scared. i’m fine being single for now. i also wont just jump into a relationship anymore but... honestly i do want to be loved. i want to be loved the way i should be. i want someone who will accept me not being OUT out. someone who will love the way i look even if it doesnt look like a guy or someone super androgynous. and someone who will call me danny. who will refer to me by the right pronouns and such. idk who that’ll be or when i’ll meet that person but god.. i need it. i need to stop falling for straight boys lol

Ugh. So apparently by simply being in my bag and getting jostled around a little, my Kindle managed to reset itself to factory settings without my permission. Which means I have to redownload all my apps, and that my entire saved reading list that I meticulously transferred by hand from my old device just to be cautious is gone forever because the stupid thing also lost every backup newer than early 2019. Really guys? You're making me reconsider my decision to not spring for an iPad mini. Also, the Tumblr app isnt available for this device, not even in the backwards way I got it last timd. And it doesn't want to load anything with more than a few images. And some ordinary websites ads suspiciously slow compared to my previous kindle. 2/10, worked ok for a while and might work ok again once I finish re setting up the whole device, but overall an unsatisfying experience that I really don't feel like dealing with. Ugh.

a god’s menu hater?! 😾 jk, i understand. it wasn’t something i liked at first too. then it kept popping up as an ad before left and right by svt played (i was streaming it at the time) but i couldn’t bring myself to skip it? then i couldn’t stop singing it. i actually recall streaming both mvs during finals week instead of studying 😅

this is your sign to dive into wayv but ofc take your time. they’ll always be there if you need a good laugh. and i hope i’ll get into cpop someday, feels like i’m missing out on good music. 😕

shotaro really is up there huh? hope sm revives the nct dance channel and give the man a platform to post on. also have you watched shotaro’s relay cam episode?

yep it’s probably because of the sexual connotation : D i wanna go back to the time when ice cream was just ice cream. and ice cream cake gave me diarrhea once 😭 i still love it but i’m always hesitant bc there’s the slim chance i might suffer through that whole thing again.

i, too, abandon my ult groups when i start stanning new ones. but then again, my ults are an active bunch. with chan going live every week and an nct unit coming back every other month, it’s hard to totally get distant 😂 i used to not watch variety shows because my attention span couldn’t handle it 🤣 also ik you mentioned the groups that you stanned before but who are your ults? (but i think it’s listed somewhere on your blog tho i’ll check it out after i send this)

maybe they don’t read because these are lengthyyyyyy but if they do then 😃🤚🏼AAAAAAA i look forward to these exchanges too úwù

ah yes. those three bring in a lot of fans 🤣 maybe thats why sm put them in the first unit that promoted for nct 2020. strategy worked tho, felt the fandom grow bigger. shotaro edits devastate me whenever they pop up on the tl but i don’t see them often. and come to think of it, i have never seen a soft johnny edit.

spicy genres 😭 i am definitely NOT worthy of that title. but if there’s a specific type of nct fic that you would want to read, i might be able to give you recommendations. oh why would you want to wipe them ☹️☹️ save a copy somewhere at least, you might regret completely erasing them.

and SEUNGMIN. the biggest threat to my loyalty to bang chan. that man just devastates me every. single. time. something about him just makes me go all soft 😔 i had a whole rollercoaster seungmin phase last december bc i subscribed to his bubble and he was active as hell EXCEPT on christmas week. and i got sad bc he didn’t send a greeting..? care to share how it became seungmin for you?

also i have a finished seungmin drabble jailed in my docs based on this devastating gif. want me to tag you when i drop it? 🤣

also yes that show 😭 i watched that bc i missed dream a lot but i haven’t got around to finishing it. i hope you’re enjoying it tho! they truly are a hilarious bunch. i saw a twt abt them though. that dream is a group of 20-year olds with 35 years of experience 🤣 they aren’t 4th gen but their ages make it seem like they are.

ah repetition both made us fall for gods menu and its glory. i still cant believe it didnt get one single win :( i personally preferred gods menu over back door but at least back door's music wins gave its sibling some justice. ugh same, i tend to stream mvs while studying but i usually end up watching the mv and the people in it instead haha.

also yes! get into cpop. i personally don't find their '4th gen' music (basically the new generation of kpop knockoffs) good because of its horrendous english grammar, but their music isn't mind blowing or anything anyways. i would recommend some ballads though, chinese ballads will remain superior forever.shotaro supremacy! i fell for him before i even started stanning nct, that says so much. and yes, ive watched his relay cam and fan cams multiple times, way before i stanned too haha. hes honestly so likeable.

lmao are you lactose intolerant? /g ice cream doesnt do much to me besides make me feel bloated. nowadays i prefer smoothies over it.

speaking of nct units coming back and skz, hot sauce just happened but we already have a 127 drop. i didnt think id see hyuck and mork in there D': give them a break sm. once again, title track isnt my taste at all, but maybe ill grow to like it after a few listens. ive surprisingly become a fan of hot sauce though. the hook and jaemins intro are super addicitng. 

stray kids world domination too! i didnt watch kingdom because im not available during the airing time but i streamed and looked at their performances and i have to say, no personal bias or anything, skz deserved that win :3 its all in good fun though, atz and tbz caught my eye and i might try getting into them in the near future hehe.

my ults are izone, skz, txt and enha! (i think you probably saw them already haha). my bias ults are jake and wonyoung. to be honest, with the amount of dream content im consuming daily, i think they might become one of my ults soon. argh i really want to write for them though.

no no your fics look so unique and spicy grrr. im really excited to read them! theyre different from typical fanfiction and im a sucker for that. hmm for recommendations, honestly anything sfw and fluffy is fine, i tend to love writing angst but im a sucker for reading fluff. ive been binging on lvdsc's works actually, so amazing argh. as for my works, ill probably private them...or move blogs? im still thinking about it.

skz bubbles! ah theyre always so fun on the app, did seungmin say anything interesting? as for how he became my bias, the memory's hazy but i think it was because i was looking at those september celebration videos (for han, seungmin and lix all together (?)) and just kind of fell for his gahs and his vlives. seungmin vlives are always so fun and relaxing, i like to do homework to them. especially that one vlive where he sang for 4 hours, that just made me fall in love with him more.

based on that gif, im assuming that the drabble is about nose booping? which i absolutely LOVE! YES! in fact, tag me in anything seungmin. anything. literally anything. that boy is my secret ult lmao.

Alrighty. EFF IT- LIFE UPDATE POST!

Soooo a lot of good things have been happening in my life. I know from my posts I sound bitter, sad, heartbroken, blah blah but its been a rough time in my life and I’m finally understanding and accepting my life, my lessons, my blessings, my mistakes and experiences. *Someone told me recently my blog is very raw* but I like to keep it real and what not, plus no one knows me on here lol i have followers from all over the US to international countries as well. Also I feel like I haven’t done an “intro” about myself in a long time.. I think since I’ve started blogging so what the hell…. this is going to be long but hey whatever!

Intro!-

Hey guys! Im Salia Sheikh, 25 (old af, jk!), I look younger than my age (thanks to good genes lol), I am still in school, pursuing a career in Business. I love to read, write (duh I have a blog for a reason!), paint, work out, try new food, BIG FOOD JUNKIE, binge watch amazing shows on Netflix (bae for life), I love the color purple and blue. If school wasnt so damn expensive and I didnt have a timelime (being brown aint fun… sometimes) I would definitely get a degree in business of course, dermatology and psychology. I love learning new things and expanding my mind. I come off as a bitch sometimes to people because of the way my face can be… AKA RESTING BITCH FACE. But honestly its just me observing and understanding how people think and work. I know I am a weirdo but whatever! Humans are so freaking interesting. Oh did I mention I live in PNW!? Seattle. <3 Rain city lol. If I could live anywhere else it would be California, Chicago or New York. Anywho enough about me… lets get into the juicy stuff right?

This summer I had a lot going on! I was at the doctors a lot, i went through a lot exams for my breast cancer and it was a very rough time… but I got through it. Alhumdulillah I have such amazing friends and family to support me and were there for me. Along with that,  I went through a very harsh break up and I know that a few posts below this one I went off on my ex FJ, but in this post Im not going to bash on him or anything. Honestly…. my tumblr isnt made to bash on anyone. I wouldnt want to be talked about on the internet but sadly… it happens. So anyways, I went through a rough heart break that honestly I dont blame anyone but myself and because of this heartbreak I am beyond hard on myself with a lot of things but especially guarding my heart, my feelings and letting anyone in. I was told by someone that I wore my heart on my sleeve and that I took this relationship too seriously. Its true, I was madly and crazy in love with him but he wasnt. I would push and force him to make it work but when the other person doesnt see any solution or anything to fix it, you should really just back off Sally. One person cant do all the work, it becomes so draining. I literally have so much love to give but at the same time Im just kind of tired, exhausted, bitter and numb. Its weird because I just said Im full of love but at the same time a heart break really gets you guarded. But you know this was a lesson for myself, to not get ahead of yourself, dont have expectations and if you arent getting what you deserve please walk the fuck away, like ASAP. Just abort lol. Because at the end of the day as hurt as I was, I made myself go through hell because I chose to be like very stupid, LIKE VERY. But at the same time, I take it as a blessing in disguise in many ways and a lesson I would love to teach my daughters and possibly sons. Anywho… along with this I was in school UGH, but because I have a goal and I am so motivated I didnt let it affect my school at all. One thing I did do in the past was let such little things like this get in the way of my focus in school and at the end of the day my dreams and career will be right next to me but the person whos temporary will not be. I will not sacrifice my school for anything. This summer I went to Atlanta with all of my cousins and we had so much fun! And then I came back and attended another wedding. It was a lot of chaos but a lot of fun. I come from a very huge family on both sides, and if youre brown you know three day weddings are HECTIC AS HELL! But I gotta say it was a roller coaster type summer.

Once all of the wedding shenanigans were over and all of my cousins flew back to the East Coast and I started school again. After my break up I really started focusing on my mental health, focusing on school, having a better relationship with my parents (its been a rough road but alhumdulillah I am so blessed with such amazing parents. esp my mom helping me a lot through my break up and all .) I didnt even think about talking to any guys or whatever it was literally not even in my head because I was so focused on myself. But a little birdie out of the blue and into my life for a short time but a sweet time. HA is literally every brown girls dream man. A little white wash (EDM LOVER), knows urdu, deen, open minded, handsome as hell… and family orientated. OH AND TREATS A WOMAN RIGHT! Honestly my first impression was like “fuck boy. STRAIGHT UP F BOY! Cocky, too into himself, thinks hes better than anyone…” OH ALSO- didnt meet him off of dating apps lol, its called IG thats the new hook up spot jk! But when you actually talk to him and stuff omg… he is so different. I dont think I have laughed this much while talking to someone, he is so hilarious. He opened my mind to a lot of things that I didnt know about or he pushed me to see things differently, which I loved. When we started talking I was very upfront and blunt with him. As a brown girl I dont have the freedom to just get up and leave for a guy. Period. He understood that and accepted it. He told me he had no expectations. What I really liked about him was that he would always communicate, he was very honest and he was really respectful. When I say REALLY RESPECTFUL, like super. We were talking about our exes (no I didnt say bad shit lol) and he brought it up and he told me that his ex would everyday for six months since they were together would ask, “when are we getting engaged?” Not once did he say, omg shes bat shit crazy.. or annoying or whatever. He just said that much and he was like “you know I felt pressured and I wanted to explain myself why I broke up with her.” I mean if he wanted too he could made her the victim… but damn. Very kind. Not just that when he came here he was showing me a convo with this girl who was kind of mentally not there, and she would act weird its really hard to explain but he talked to her respectfully and was like “hey listen if you want to make friends you have – “ something along those lines. He was just really nice to her because he knew that something wasnt right with that girl at all. I mean I know a lot of people who would straight up just cuss her out… like without a doubt. I remember one time he asked me over FaceTime, “why are you waiting after you get your degree to get married?” I kind of just ignored it lol. But then one night he was with his cousins and cousin’s wife in DC and he FT’d me and all I heard was a girl yelling, “Who are you talking too!? Who is this bitch!?” And he goes “oh this is bae”, and after she saw me (without make up and my raspy voice at 12am lol) she was like “OMG SHES SO PRETTY and her voice is so cute! Shes such a good girl  being at home lol.” Then he goes, “Hani, ask her why she wont get married while being in school?” And she said, “look Im 23, still in CC and Im married, you can too.” I wasnt going to put anyone under the bus and be like “well arent you going to be rolling the dice on me!?” - (because someone said that once to me…) like I said, I dont bash on my ex at all. Even after that, he asked me again lol, “IF we were to get married why wont you get married, transfer your credits and stuff? You can work if you like but even if you dont its okay… just go to school. I gotchu bae.” Im just like “uhh…. wouldnt you want someone who has everything set?” He literally probably wanted to slap me for saying that and he was like “No… what am I here for?” Honestly he was so accepting of me, my past, my dreams, my goals, honestly everything. Even when he came here it was like I knew him from a long time ago, it wasnt causing me to have anxiety or feel scared. We laughed so much, watched so many shows and ate such amazing food. OMG. It was so good to be true, i mean we trusted each other, communication was there. He told me some things that really made me realize wow he is so freaking amazing… His brother doesnt have his AA or degree, his sister in law has her AA but he helps a lot around the house. Hes such a good son and omg, when I say more guys should be like him I MEAN IT.  He was suppose to be a police man lol but then he went back to school and took a few classes and became a consultant. He didnt have a stable job until he came back to VA. I mean he was on contract to contract and even jobless for a few months but he was so positive and happy, which is why I loved being around him. Whenever he would FT me, he would be around his cousins and they would always say, “H is so loyal and faithful, family orientated and he will treat you right.” like as if I didnt know that lol. But you know after he left something really unexpected happened and it wasnt in our control to save it. But it was no ones fault either, sometimes life does a plot twist on you when you least expect it but I had accepted the unexpected and like someone wise said (Jatin, this is your shoutout), “you cant compete with history.” It took me a while to understand but I definitely knew that he was always honest, communicated with me and he was amazing. We didnt really need closure but trust me the way we had closure was like I dont even need to talk about this again. Not every situation needs it but sometimes you need it. But you know, this was Gods way of showing me and saying, “Salia… dont lose faith in guys. There are good guys out there.” And you know, there are. But I dont want anyone right now. Im perfectly fine being single. Plus I am already a brat, sassy mc sassy… with me being a little numb sometimes… I think I have a lot to say sometimes and I have a strong personality lol, it would drive someone nuts. But Idk everytime I talk about HA my heart melts just a little because I was treated with so much respect and he would always tell me that I was a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. But sometimes good things dont last forever. I accepted it.

Along with losing him, I chose to cut off a friend who meant the world to me. She was like a little sister and a best friend. After going through so much in just a few months I realized what I want, who I want in my life and what Im going to do about it. I cant handle negativity… like AT ALL. Friends are suppose to support you, be happy for you and be there for you. This friend lol.. she wasnt there for me at all during my break up, i get it YOU DONT LIKE FJ but I need my girl to be there for me.. shit. I felt like she was jealous and trust me I aint hot shit… Im very like normal, pakistani, short girl… living life. But the vibe and the way she started acting about HA was weird. None of my best friends asked me questions like, “Did he kiss you?” like what…. thats not why he flew here for from VA…. But either way she was asking weird questions like, “was it just fun and games”- PAUSE! So I know Im 25, brown girls get the pressure once theyre in their 20s… But I am in no rush to get married and that is not because I dont have a degree- TO HELL WITH THAT. I can burn that shit and I would still be amazing. But like you dont talk to a guy and jump into the marriage topic, wth? HA and I had a very clear understanding that we are going to take baby steps, no telling parents, siblings, whatever… no labels. TAKE IT SLOW. But either way she was just a total bitch. She loves saying, “I told you so.” Either way I had enough of her, her nazar (evil eye) and negativity. Like I dont need that… I need to be around people who support me, love me and dont bash on my ass. I love my circle small and ever since I cut her off of my life, I am doing so much better because I dont have a gun to my head. It wasn’t even over a guy that I ended our friendship… it was because she wasn’t a good friend and she was jealous. She was never truly happy for me about anything. She envied the relationship I have with my mom and would always be like oh your mom was okay with that? Isk just very weird vibes…. I really wish that she changes her way of approach and what not. No guy is going to love a girl who expects so much and no girl is going to be with a friend who is so judgemental as fuck. Period. I never cuss any of my girlfriends out ever. But she really pissed me off and I felt judged and like a hoe. I really dont need that, thanks anyways.

Now that I got that out of my way, like I said earlier… I have been working on myself. I started going to the gym but its been a while because of school and working a ton of hours. But now that I am on break I am going to go back to the gym, start reading my book- EVERYONE MUST READ “You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life“- literally eye opening and so funny! It has changed my life. Reading really does help with your knowledge and growing as a person. If anyone knows any good reads, please drop me a message! :) Im also going to start reading the Quran but in English translation because I really want to know what Im reading and what the Quran is saying, I just want to self educate myself and know about my religion, I am not religious at all… but one thing I do want to start doing is praying and being connected with Allah. I think having a spiritual connection is so good for the mind and soul.

As I was turning 25 I was thinking a lot about myself, my past and my future. I am a thinker but I also love testing myself. When I was 23 going to 24 I was a very weak person. I was fragile and sensitive to a lot of things. I didnt have thick skin at all. I will admit that and I was little a push over. I lost myself at the age of 23, I had a stalker who ruined my life. I never had anxiety my whole life… I took everything like it was nothing. But after dealing with that… it made me weak. I wasnt the Salia that everyone knew. But now that Im past it, I went through some tough stuff in 2017… it made me wiser, smarter, grateful and stronger.  I dont get affected by anything lately… and I was very hesitant to post this but its my blog, my page and I will do whatever to it. Plus I love to write. I feel like a lot has happened but I have been just writing bits and pieces here and there. But I guess I thought I would write something its been a while. lol.

ALSO- Im flying out to Arizona next week for the weekend and I am so excited! to celebrate and have a vacation and to be not dealing with school for a month! Hell yaaaaaa. *THIS WAS MY FAV LIFE UPDATE IN THIS LONGGGGGG POST*

Okay guys… its 1246am here! Im off to bed. Have fun reading this, judging this, whatever you want :D

Top Financial Mistakes Under 25

These are a combination of the biggest financial mistakes that I have my myself and that a lot of young adults have made and some tips on how to fix them.

1. Not Saving or INVESTING This is kind of obvious and definitely easier said than done, but so vital to adulting. Up until this past year, my saving account has always been extremely turbulent. I would save a little then deplete time, save a little then deplete it.

About a year ago, I got serious about saving because I had goals I wanted to reach and soon. I saved 60% of my net income (after-taxes) and put it in a high yield online savings account. Online savings accounts can provide higher interest rates because they have lower overhead (cost associated with operation) due to not having to pay rent for the building, employee salaries, electricity, and other associated costs. Also, having an online savings account prevents you from constantly moving money back and forth between accounts which is a lot easier when your checking and savings are at the same bank.

Onto investing. It sounds like a scary and complicated notion and it kinda is because you’re betting and gambling with a lot of your money which could fluctuate a lot. It’s not actually that scary. Since the market has rebounded it has been a really good time to invest. I have always had a 401K set up with the jobs i’ve had and the tip is to save the same percentage that your company matches to optimize the amount that is going in. Since I get taxed a lot, I decided to save 10% and my company matched up to 6% so I could pay slightly less in taxes (we pay more of our paycheck in taxes than other age groups generally.) Putting money into your 401k adds up. Just check on it periodically and if you want to put more in CDs or more in the money market, you can adjust the percentage that is invested in each category.

One option that is really popular now is low cost index funds. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for Vanguard who started this. These index funds are diversified (invested in varies categories) and you can get in with as low as $300. I invested in a fund with $6000 and in the first quarter this year I yielded 7% growth which is greater than the market. The idea was that bankers who charge fees and get commission from managing your portfolio does not do any better than if you randomly picked stocks to invest in and they RARELY do better than the market. I should check my account more frequently than i care to admit. Investing in many individual stocks is a lot riskier because together they may not be diversified into different industries and you’d constantly have to watch it all day, every day and do so much more research, which I kind of do anyway because Im a great and on top of my life (kidding). But index funds are a great way to enter the investing realm.

2. Upgrading Too Soon (depreciating assets) A lot of people get a new job or get promotion and decide to #treatyoself by upgrading their car, buying a new gadget or upgrading their current tech items. If you buy a car without a heavy down payment, you’ll be sucked into this monthly debt you may not be able to afford. Just because you got approved for the loan, doesn’t mean you can afford it. I know a lot of people like to trade in cars but if you own a car that does not have a good resale value, don’t trade it in. Drive it until it dies. Growing up, my parents always said, “if you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.” They hated the idea of pay interest, so they would not buy a new car unless: it crashed, or died. My mom actually still drives her 1998 Toyota Sienna which my brother and I dubbed “Bertha”. They also paid for all their cars in cash. This idea is nice but, this isn’t as realistic these days. I would put in 35%-50% and finance the rest. I also love tech and gadgets. When I saw Brookstone had begun commercialize drones, I wanted one, bad. I read a million reviews on different drones and to be honest in like 2013 the drones at $400, sucked. They were flimsy, faulty and did not have a great camera, great dodge there. Going back on topic, wait out on large purchases like Laptops and tech toys. The general advise is if you have one that is functioning, dont get sucked in by marketing ploys of the new and flashy.

3. Budgeting- Not being realistic or not having one at all. Budgeting is so important because a lot of us don’t even know how much we spend or need to spend each month. In order to save, invest, and create fluidity, you have to budget. I don’t follow the 40, 30, 20, 10 rule that most financial blogs and institutions suggest. This is because we all live differently. I love food and cannot cook to save my life therefore, my food expenditure would be significantly higher than someone who is competent in the kitchen. I am a little crazy because initially I put all my expenses each month in an excel spread sheet and use that to adjust my spending and plan for future events like wedding and trips. My credit card also does this but i have multiple ones for different purposes and this spreadsheet just allows me to make graphs and see trends a lot better. I am not saying people need to do this because it is an extreme measure and I love spreadsheets but some sort of tracking is important. There are so many apps out there like Mint, Wallaby, Wally that you can input CC info and are able to track your spending. 

I put in my core and fixed expenses that don’t change: rent, student loans, car payments, electric, gym memberships, etc. Then I personally put aside how much I wanted to save. Whatever was left over was what i had to to work with for leisure because at the time, my main focus was saving. This did not allot me with much because I’m young and working in the city making, not a ton of money. I soon realized i didn’t need to spend $500 on clothing each month or rationalize going to NY every weekend or even small things like grabbing Starbucks everyday even though my office has a Starbucks machine #notsoychaithough...

Adjust your budget frequently. I adjust each quarter. I had a speadsheet for the year with a planned budget then at the beginning and end of each quarter go in an see how i’ve done and change things for the next quarter to see what i can improve on. Things change and events come up. My friends and i like traveling so when we plan a trip I incorporate it into my budget. 

Be flexible. I can never understand people who don’t like change, as it is the only thing that is constant, (haha so cliche). It true though, you have to be able to say “ok, this month, I cannot got to Starbucks at all because I have a trip coming up or because I had to replace my brakes the previous month.” 

Get rid of non-utilized memberships and expenses. A friend of mine was paying for 3 different gyms at one time. Take a look at everything you pay for and get rid of non-core expenses. Some people have issues parting with things but if there is no value greater than its cost, get rid of it. I had a similar kerfuffle when I thought, oh i can get rid of my gym membership because my job has a gym in the basement, easy expense to nix. I then visited my company gym, and it just wasn’t for me. It didn’t motivate me to work out, it was cramped and I had to workout with my coworkers next to me, ugh, kidding. So i decided to keep my gym membership but i did nix my yoga membership because I just cannot wake up at 5AM and Chaturanga at 6. I also combined a lot of my memberships with my brother and parents to reduce monthly costs like Netflix, Hulu, Spotify, Tidal, and AmazonPrime and pay annually so there isnt that monthly conversation of. “Hey, you havent paid me the $5 for Netflix” and think well it’s only $5, i’ll let it go. These expenses add up. The people you choose have to be reliable or you have to be reliable. Cancellation can be a bitch if communication is not clear.

One big problem I used to have with budgeting was that I was not realistic. I would say I would save $1000 a month with only $2000 coming in monthly, but I would do it by running up my credit card on things i did not need and pretend like those expenses did not exist. I just was not strict enough on myself. If you create a budget take it month by month or week by week and keep yourself on track.

4. Yes Man - Social life & Overspending This ties into budgeting but more of the social aspect. Living in a city, there are so many things to do. There are events every weekend or even during the week. You gotta stick to your budget and know how much leg room you have to for fun. I am one who always says yes, because I don’t like disappointing and i like doing things. As one of my coworkers, Elliott had described as an “activities based” person. I am definitely one of those. DC is conveniently located where less an hour out in any direction, you will get a completely different but very capitalistic environments.  Happy Hours and company events were the bane of my existence. I have to say, a lot of people I know go out drinking 3 days a week. This adds up and no one is paying me enough to be drunk 3 days a week. You can’t say yes, when your bank account is screaming “NO.”

5. Credit Cards

At last, these evil little things can be so easily misused and you can get yourself into a lot of trouble. I have a couple but only use 2 of them. There are so many articles I used to read about the best ones or the credit cards with the best perks but they’re all quite comparative. I’ve had a line of credit since I was 16 because my parents mistakenly decided to allow me to have one under their account. My first real credit card was a travel card from the bank i have my accounts in, which was not terrible because If i spend $3000, i got 40,000 points which equated to a free flight to Cali which I was planning for anyway. This card, got in into a lot of trouble and took way too long to eventually pay off. I then got a Discover card, which was my trojan horse. The limit was $500 and this really allowed me to control my spending. I actually still use this card for most of my purchases because there is no reason for my to spend more than $500 each month on miscellaneous purchases. They also had better cash back offers which I enjoyed the quarterly divisions. It is a great card for college students and young adults. I still use my travel card solely and immediately pay it off. I still live by the rule of putting everything on credit first then paying it off because i now have that control and not overspend for the most part. If you dont have that self control i would say just, pay everything in cash. You cannot go down a hole by overspending and think, “well i’ll get 5% or 2% back.” I also have not been interested in cards that have an annual fee though they have slightly better cash back offers or perks. Find one that suits your needs. If you drive a lot, get one with better cash back offer for gas purchases. If you travel often, getting a card with an airline has better perks than the generic travel cards for the most part. Its hard if you fly all over the place and don’t stick with one specific airline. But a travel card would be beneficial in that aspect. The rule of thumb is pay it off immediately. Don’t just pay the minimum because after your initial promotional no interest period, those rates are upward of 20% usually. If you put off full payments, you’ll balloon up your monthly payments after that introductory period. Having credit card will build up your credit but mismanaging will also ruin you. If you have plans for a big purchase like a car or home in the future, it may not be an option if you dig yourself a hole in debt.

This was a long post but, hopefully you got something out of it. I definitely have made many money mistakes but I’m here learning and trying to help at the same time. Happy adulting!