#tw medical discussion
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Currently combing through the Transformers Exodus novel, as I often do.
Some notes, by which I mean, this is going to be long:
Using an Abandoned Hydraulic Mining Facility as a Battle Arena: This Sort Of Happened in Real Life -- Know Your Labour History
The building in Kaon that is used by Megatron for gladiatorial battle is an abandoned hydraulics works, and on the page prior to this it refers to extremely deep slag pits, which indicates this hydraulics facility was almost certainly used for mining. The location is given specifically as "to the south of Kaon's centre".
This makes me wonder if the now-abandoned Orgreave Coking Plant may have been some inspiration to someone somewhere in building the backstory; A coking plant uses massive amounts of hydraulic machinery and components, and the location of this specific facility is to the south of the centre of Rotherham.
Plenty of Brits work on Transformers, and I wonder if any English people who may have been on the team for developing the Aligned Continuity bible/character backstories might have thought of Orgreave as some kind of inspiration.
It's worth noting Orgreave Coking Plant was famously the site of a huge labour dispute which turned into a borderline Battle of Harlan situation, called the Battle of Orgreave in 1984.
Which makes it excellent potential inspiration, both visually and in terms of historical significance in union/labour and working class struggle against the oppressive upper class- A significant theme in Transformers.
Nearby, there is also the abandoned Orgreave Colliery, and while all abandoned collieries would fit the mechanical and dark, heavy design of Kaon, Tarn (the location, not the bot) and so on, it's still worth pointing out that Orgreave has plenty of industrial ghosts (abandoned industrial facilities).
That having been said, hydraulic mining works could also refer to actual hydraulic mining methods rather than just any hydraulic machinery present, which would also explain the large pits that Orion Pax sees at the site in Kaon, and would add another level of horror: Using fluids to carry out this type of mining would be a huge hazard to bots. I'd imagine rusting was a common problem, not to mention gradual armour/frame wear, increased fall/slip hazards for most frame types, etc.
CONTENT WARNING: Here's where some medical conjecture begins, you might want to skip this section if you're sensitive to medical discussions! There is no detailed comparison to any particular real world cases in this segment, however there is brief mention of ableism in a fictional context.
This would also account for the description of optics and audials needing more frequent repair even prior to suffering any gladiatorial damage--
--In some frame types, these components/sensory systems may be more exposed to the environmental pollution as mentioned in the text, but also, would be sensitive to abrasive damage from spray back/high pressure soil/stone/crystal like particulate materials present in Cybertron's surface and sub-surface layers acting essentially as sand paper against their bodies as they worked in any such hydraulic mining sites.
This is the type of shit Kaonite workers in these mining facilities were likely exposed to on a regular basis, because they are Cybertronians and could physically tolerate this kind of thing without dying-- At least, not right away.
A combination of repeated extreme wear, chronic overwork, likely poor medical resources, and complicating factors like questionable access to healthy fuels etc. would have inevitably resulted in a generally very unwell population with high workplace casualty rates.
This was the type of life most low class/caste heavy labour designated frame types were assigned to, under the Functionist system.
I've talked about my headcanons re: hearing disabled Megatron before, and it's kind of interesting to see that canonically here, that's very much possible. Audial damage from mining, audial damage from the fighter's ring.
But in general, the Kaonite population is seriously at risk, especially medically. Same deal with other low class/caste designated regions across Cybertron. Much like many Appalachian mining populations, where COPD is as common as flies in summer, the chronically poor health of this population would be staggering in comparison to better-off polities like Iacon.
Rust in their optics, rotting their optical components from within, likely leaving many workers sightless--
--At which point they were probably deemed "useless" under the ableist Functionist system, as they would then likely be unable to work their prior jobs or would only be able to work in limited or different capacities; Any system that determines worth by perceived functionality is inherently ableist, and Primus knows there were almost certainly no disability accommodations provided or available potential repairs/treatments in places like Kaon on Cybertron.
As a result, these newly disabled bots were likely left unemployed and therefore without any income source for Shanix, therefore left to their deaths via fuel deprivation etc.--
--Unless they fell in with mob-controlled sources of materials or aid, as a last resort...
Apparently Megatron Displaced The Local Kaonite Mafia: Pit Bosses Could Be Mob Bosses Too
This is also a real thing, as a lot of productive industrial facilities (not just mining, but textiles etc.) were often tied into in local black market raw material goods and organised crime shit, owing to less than moral site owners and company bosses. (At least in the USA, it may have varied in other countries or from region to region.)
This is because if you have a productive facility, you can make a fuckload of money bypassing any common sense safety rules or proper waste/product handling or disposal protocols etc. and skip the whole regulated market and just go right to making a fuckzillion moneys from whoever will buy this shit illegally.
(This is part of why a lot of Appalachia is polluted to hell and back-- Even at the time, a lot of these industrial works and companies knew perfectly well that dumping coal ash and other horrible shit into every single river and creek available was a bad idea. They did it anyway. Why? It saved money overall and they didn't have to pay for more long distance drivers to reach actual approved waste sites etc.
For those of you who may not be familiar with this USA specific shit, let me introduce you to the concept of a Superfund Site. It's depressing. Most are former industrial illegal waste dumping sites. These places are so fucked up that even the American Government was forced to acknowledge how bad it is. Some of them are straight up literal nuclear waste sites.)
This has been a huge problem in American industrial history, because America can turn out some very, very productive sites using very, very unsafe and cruel means to force workers to work. Paying in scrip etc. were all methods to ensure a workforce could not leave. And so on.
Not to mention the horrendous impact on Native populations, the poor in general, immigrants in general, etc. who were all subject to the worst possible treatment throughout.
And there are many modern examples too-- Not just in the USA, but in many places around the world, such as Peru. Note that capitalism is often the facilitator of mistreatment, pollution, etc. and serves as the motivating factor for much of this fuckery worldwide. This also includes factors like western companies wanting to appear more "green", so they simply go abroad to abuse people in other nations and exploit their labour and raw labour products instead.
Capitalism is the root problem, on Earth and evidently, likely on Cybertron as well.
Can you imagine the amount of Shanix these fucking Kaonite mob bosses were making, possibly from selling raw materials and energon crystals mined in Kaon to other polities with fewer natural resources, arranging illicit under the table deals with large energy distributors etc. in other regions? Depriving Kaon of its own natural goods and stealing the near-entirety of their labour, constantly, endlessly?
(If this all reminds you a bit of Marx's Theory of Alienation, you are correct.)
Much of Kaon is, essentially, a Superfund Site. Dangerous industrial waste, materials, and abandoned facilities, all affecting the population in all sorts of ways into perpetuity even long after one industry dies and another rises-- Or a new industry never comes along, and you end up with even worse off sections of an already brutally deprived area, living in the remnants of an equally hellish past that was just marginally better enough to make some bots yearn for the good old days of having a job to be worked to death at.
If this is relatable or frustrating to you, you are correct. These are all real world problems. It's easy to relate to the plight of the Kaonites-- Megatron, at this time, is still largely a sympathetic figure to many.
Because of course, even from the outside, it is clear that this degree of suffering cannot be sustained. Even Orion Pax recognises this, despite his own total lack of exposure and lack of class awareness at the time in which he initially starts speaking with Megatron.
Anyway. Briefly back to our real world example, because it's important here:
All of this capitalist corruption is another example of systemic level rot; A lot of the time regulators knew that facilities were engaging in illegal dumping and worker rights abuses etc. but couldn't do anything about it due to a lack of federal involvement and lack of means or resources to raise a larger case or investigation on the scale that would be needed.
And of course, some regulators and investigators were paid off. Sigh.
It's genuinely impressive that Megatron was able to run off an industrial crime syndicate, because that shit goes very deep and has lots of tendrils that tie into pretty much everything else going on in a given area, especially in towns or regions where only one or two industries make up the entirety of everything.
It doesn't surprise me at all that Megatron gained such a large following so quickly.
Nobody else in Cybertron was willing or able to acknowledge (let alone try to address) the horrible abuses going on in Kaon.
Endless, brutal labour, often resulting in horrible deaths. No reward for any of their work, with much of their meagre pay going to the mob and likely to companies based in other polities around Cybertron, so none of the materials or money ever stayed local. No care was put into their living conditions or standard of living, with most bots being used up and worn down with nothing to show for it but the industrial hell that consumed their own region.
And by getting the organised crime rings out of the local industries and community, by turning this abandoned facility into a gladiatorial ring, that provided both a more personally rewarding use of their physical skills developed through hard manual labour and gives an opportunity to gain legitimate funds and potentially fame-- Granting a social status previously completely unattainable to Kaonites, while clearly being built up on the legacy of all of their prior labour.
No wonder the appeal to follow Megatron was so strong, even in the early days.
Not even Primus helped these people, none of the Primes helped these people--- But Megatron did.
And that is powerful, to be liberated by one of your own, someone you know truly understands the difficulty and suffering and misery of a cruel, unending grind.
All that most of these bots could ever look forward to previously was dying in a hopefully not-as-painful way.
Now, there is potential for a genuinely tangibly better future, quite possibly for the first time in Kaon's history. Certainly for the first time within living memory.
Megatron turned an immiserated local population with no hope and no prospects beyond being worked to death into up-and-coming athletic stars with a burgeoning sports industry, using their local culture and previously disparaged frame types to prove the inherent wrongness of the class/caste system to a literal mass audience.
Megatron essentially took waste from the Cybertronian equivalent of colliery spoil tips and used it to forcibly create some kind of real hope and better future for every Kaonite, both individually and gradually on a larger regional scale, while living under an oppressive system that was just as likely to kill him in the same way as it had been killing everyone else around him his entire existence.
Megatron turned an industrial hell into a revolutionary city-state.
And he started local, he started with the injustices closest to him, what was visible rot to him in the environment he grew up in. Start small, strategize, your morals are your fuel-- In part because they keep stealing the fuel we mine. Does that seem fair? Does that seem just? What sense does it make, to have a system in which your most important workers are kept deprived and struggling into perpetuity?
He is the perfect Cybertronian revolutionary, he is the figurehead the people of Kaon needed, and his words were heard planet-wide from an arena he facilitated the building of himself, that he reclaimed from decay and loss.
From the bare frame structure of an abandoned mining pit, Megatron spoke words that inspired the downtrodden and lifted up countless impoverished populations through solidarity, the collective power of the working class, the low caste bots, the low class frame types.
The people that were previously discarded, were now using their means and their frames for their own purposes, gradually weakening the grip of the Council, gradually proving to more and more bots that this system is broken and this world can be better and we deserve better, and by any means, we will obtain better. We will make it better, with or without your permission.
No wonder Megatron became so powerful, so quickly.
He appealed perfectly to his people and others in similar living conditions, he articulated perfectly the flaws in oppressive Cybertronian society, he showed that different frame types can and do have multiple uses beyond the classist interpretation of their build schematics--
--All Megatron did, fundamentally, was care.
He cared about what was happening around him, he did not buy into the idea that life has to be miserable and this is the way things are and it can never change or get better, he saw and lived the awful conditions and suffered discrimination and understood that working together for each other would improve things for all.
And he acted on this understanding. There is always someone who is first to act, because there must be.
And Megatron does not act in half-measures.
I like that they mention him getting rid of the crime syndicates, here; It gives you a good idea of his morality pre-war.
It would have been easy to collaborate with these crime syndicates for some time, to secure funds for a new gladiatorial ring.
But instead, he took out the crime syndicates entirely and opted to build his arena inside an abandoned facility.
No capitulation to capital.
No money was exchanged, not a single Shanix, no deals made. No fucking around. This is Kaon, and you are no longer powerful here.
Megatron is increasingly powerful, however, because he embodied to the people the collective power of the people; He reflected themselves and their experiences back at them. But actions like this also played a large part in gaining that trust, in proving his skills and worth as a revolutionary and potential leader. It's not enough to be like everyone else. You have to prove you're not just another asshole looking to exploit everyone for influence or other personal benefit.
If you want a collective movement, it has to be about the collective. And for Megatron, it very much was. And things like this helped him prove that from very early on.
The Council and the mobs effectively have no authority anymore; They are losing control. Megatron, very quickly, becomes the accepted authority. Kaon becomes a freed city-state, it escapes the grasp of Functionism.
Standing up to one crime syndicate may not seem significant in the grander scheme of things, knowing how things occur in the story from this point onward.
But it is hugely significant-- It is a very important thing to highlight.
Because it is "smaller" things like this which are actually massively important and impactful.
And each "smaller" thing built up, and improved things for people to the point where Kaon could function entirely independently with a better off population of previously severely oppressed peoples.
Every "smaller" thing counts. Every "smaller" thing is the entire world to someone, or to a lot of someones.
How many lives were saved and debts erased, when Megatron took out this one crime syndicate?
How immediately did that improve a lot of lives, how quickly did that endear those people to him, to his ideology, to his plans for their collective future? How fast did they start listening, when he started speaking?
This is how revolution happens.
--
Anyway, thank you as always if you read any of this-- I know this got very long and it is nearly 2 AM now where I'm at, so it may have lost a bit of coherency here and there.
tl;dr labour history is important, fuck capitalism (this includes fictional capitalism), and intersectional solidarity is key to collective survival in general but especially among the working class and all groups subject to systemic oppression/discrimination in various forms
#megatron#megatronus#orion pax#tfp#transformers prime#aligned continuity#transformers exodus#transformers novel#maccadam#maccadams#transformers#tfp megatron#kaon#cybertron#long post#tw medical discussion#I try to tag medical talk even fictional stuff in posts that aren't explicitly medical discussion focused#just because I know some people are not into the medical talk stuff#tw ableism
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I was wondering- with the clans more advanced nature and ability to deal with more serious conditions, how would a clan deal with a cat who had been declawed? Would they try and change some things to make things like hunting more accessible for that cat, and if so, what would they do? Would they use something like a clawed gauntlet or claw implants?
Absolutely adore your content by the way
Being declawed is a very serious disability for a Clan cat to have. "Accommodation" for a cat that is declawed is completely concerned with reducing the serious pain that this procedure would put them in; there is almost no way to help make hunting more accessible.
Just to repeat that; Declawing is a disability for a Clan cat. I'll be treating it as such.
I'm gonna be using a medical diagram below the cut to show you the problem!! So TW: DECLAWING IS A FINGER AMPUTATION, please do not hit "read more" if seeing anatomy and hearing of a cat in pain would upset you!
[ID: A diagram of cat paw anatomy, showing how a cat's claw is like a "shoe" around the end of a bone and displaying how the muscles connect.]
"Declawing" means removing a weight-bearing bone from the foot of the animal. The final digit of the finger is meant to be in-contact with the ground. For a crude analogy, imagine if someone removed a bone from your foot and made you walk on your tibia and heel-meat.
So from the VERY offset, a declawed cat in the wild would not be able to patrol very far without pain. In addition, they don't have a way to "grab" things anymore. Bringing this cat on a hunting patrol would be unhelpful at best and actively destructive at worst. They can't hunt, not enough to "pull their weight".
Gloves don't fix this, and there is no claw to put an extender on. BB!Cats have slightly beefier hand anatomy than irl cats, but they only have TWO digits. Declawing reduces them to just one.
Quick drawing;
A declawed paw is not a hand that can hold a struggling animal; they don't even have the digit to make a good pincer grasp. Hunting is so hard it's nearly impossible.
For the cat's health, so they can enjoy their Clan's territory as is their right, they might want to make "shoes," or, crude booties. Unlike humans, cats don't have a "wrist" that a glove can easily rest on, so shoes would need to be tied to the leg.
[ID: A cat wearing booties. Note the straps above the paw.]
This could be made out of leather or flax, with some sort of sole for padding. This is an accessibility device, though, so keep in mind this is something you'd need a craftsman like BB!Jessy for.
So generally, a declawed cat is the type that spends a lot of time in camp! With a little extra time, it's possible to modify the tools that Kitchen Patrol uses for this individual. A spoon's handle can be curled so it rests on the wrist. Instead of skinning an animal with claws, they could fasten a knife to the paw.
[ID: BB!Cat paws drawn with the accessibility tools mentioned above.]
So, if the cat enjoys helping out around camp, there's still ways that they can contribute if they would like to.
And lastly, Clan cats think this is the ultimate symbol of human cruelty. Sharpening one's claws (karrurrska) is EXTREMELY important to the mental health of a cat. It feels good, it exercises your whole arm to get up there and sccrrraaaatch, there's tendons, bones, and scent glands on that final digit.
Hearing that a kittypet has been declawed is evil to Clan cats. Beyond mwyrgna. The cuckoo kills its kin to get more food from its parents, the rat kills its young out of fear. What purpose could humans possibly have to mutilate a cat like this, besides delight in seeing them suffer?
It's the kind of concept that would invoke a lot of emotion out of Clan cats.
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do you have any odd symptoms of covid?
Some could probably be considered odd.
My voice turned very deep and rough due to the coughing and mucus in my throat, and I sounded like the dragon from The Hobbit for a few days. Although @consultjohnwatson found that quite amusing and kept making voice recordings while I was spitting and threatening like a fire breathing reptile. My temperature for sure made me feel as if I could breathe fire.
On a less amusing note, I now got stomach issues and nausea, probably a gastritis, due to the medication and the stress of the disease and fast.
My nose was completely blocked and congested for a few days, and no matter how long I blew my nose it just wouldn't stop, with results of various shades of colours including bright neon yellow to orange (probably a popped blood vessel). I was very light sensitive as well and no don't mention the vampire thing again.
Also suffered from headaches and melalgia, which still sometimes occur now as well as exhaustion. I still don't operate at optimal capacity yet, but it's much better.
#roleplay#rp#sherlock roleplay#sherlock rp#tw covid#tw disease#tw medical discussion#Smauglock#Smaug sherlock
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Here’s something I need people to understand about hormone replacement therapy (HRT):
It is already the standard of care for so, so many other conditions. Cis women who undergo menopause often need HRT because their bodies can’t make enough estrogen on their own, and they need it for quality of life in addition to physical survival, ie, you can die without enough. Some cis men need HRT for the same reason as they age, because their bodies don’t make enough of a hormone they need to survive with a quality of life they have a right to expect.
People with diabetes who take insulin are also participating in HRT, because insulin is a hormone and their bodies stop producing it or don’t produce enough, and without insulin, they’ll die.
People with adrenal problems are routinely prescribed hydrocortisone/prednisone/dexamethasone, which is HRT for cortisol, another hormone the body requires to survive. Without sufficient cortisol circulating in your blood, you can be dead in a matter of hours.
None of these hormones do just one thing. Estrogen and testosterone have multiple functions in the body, some of which have nothing to do with reproduction, sex, or gender, and the wrong balance of them can lead to long-term and sometimes fatal complications. Without insulin, your cells can’t access blood sugar (which they need to survive), and you’ll die. There isn’t a single system in your body that cortisol doesn’t touch, and without it, you’ll die.
Needing HRT because of being transgender isn’t different: the body isn’t producing enough of a hormone it needs to survive, and trans people have the right to expect it as a standard of care just like everyone else who needs HRT does. There are even doctors who already specialise in exactly this kind of care; they’re called endocrinologists. This is not some sort of new and untested treatment, humans have been regularly using HRT as a therapy for over 70 years now. It predates the MMR vaccines by at least two decades.
There is nothing different about trans HRT versus any other kind. It’s just as safe as the hormones we give others, because it’s exactly the same hormones. It is heavily supervised by an individual who specialises in the body’s hormones. It’s not dangerous, it’s not untested, and above all, it is not new.
It’s time for trans people to have the same level of access to a standard of care we extend to literally everyone else.
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umm i found this blog for the sibverse stuff but noticed your reader stories. what is diabetes exactly? i never heard of it before.
Oh hey I get to infodump
Diabetes is actually a fairly common chronic illness in the West (I have absolutely no idea about the actual statistics outside of the US though). It is an endocrine (hormone) condition connected to the pancreas, specifically involving insulin production. Insulin is a key hormone in taking sugars and carbohydrates to convert into anything useful for the body, and without it one will die an excruciatingly slow, painful death. Type 1 Diabetes specifically is a condition that generally develops in childhood where the body permanently destroys all insulin producing cells in the pancreas. This was a death sentence until synthetic insulin was invented in the 1920s. Even still it meant a decreased life expectancy (my dad who was diagnosed in the 80s is the only one still alive today of a dozen or so diabetics he grew up with)
The amount of glucose in the blood needs to be kept balanced. Too little causes hypoglycemia, which can cause erratic heartbeat, muscle and limb weakness/shakiness, anxiety, and cognitive delays. If hypoglycemia can get bad enough loss of consciousness and death are possible. Too much glucose, or hyperglycemia, can cause vision issues, irritability, muscle pain and headaches, and lethargy. Severe hyperglycemia can cause DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) in which one's blood literally becomes acidic as the body begins cannibalizing itself for survival. Even more severe can cause coma and death.
Literally everything can effect glucose levels. What you eat, how much insulin you dose for, but also other hormone levels, stress levels, exercise, and other medical conditions. Insulin needs to be delivered via injections, although an insulin pump (I joke its a robotic pancreas) can be used for continuous insulin dosage and allows better control. Glucose levels can be measured via pricking a fingertip to give to a glucose meter or by wearing a cgm which has a constant sensor to monitor glucose levels. Insulin pumps and cgms have increased the life expectancy and quality of life by leaps and bounds in recent years. There are no cures for diabetes available to the public in the US/UK/Canada (although stem cell research is my favorite possible cure)
In addition to this, other potential complications of diabetes can be renal failure, neuropathy (nerve cell death, very painful), retinopathy (death of the cells in your retina or eyeballs), immune compromised (the number of times I've been told Covid will kill me...), and digestive issues. Being immune compromised also means severe infections, sepsis, and gang grene are much easier to develop. Not everyone develops all of these though, and some diabetics have made it to old age with no or mild complications.
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Timeline of my life wip
Links direct to my YouTube videos.
Birth - 1995
I was born in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania to a 20 year old alcoholic divorced nursing student and stripper, and a 31 year old divorced construction worker, mechanic, and dirt track race car driver who held antivaxxer and anti medical beliefs. I had twin older siblings who were 5 years older than me from my dad's ex wife. My parents were on and off and finally broke up when I was 6 months old, at which point my mom and I moved in with her parents.
As a baby, it was noted that I had very sensitive skin and often got eczema, I had a sensitive stomach and could throw up easily, and I struggled to learn how to walk. It was also noted that I learned how to talk very early.
Age 1- 1996
My mom is going to nursing school and drinking, her mother and father are mostly raising me. There is an incident during this time in which I am left unsupervised by my grandmother and I end up with hot potpourri oil in my eyes. My grandmother refused to take me to the hospital until after my mother got home several hours later and as a result I have permanent scarring on the surface of my eyes and I wear a very high glasses prescription as an adult. During this time my mom began her diagnostic process for late onset type 1 diabetes and psoriatic arthritis.
During this time I am still struggling to learn how to walk properly. I am still struggling with lots of skin issues and it is noticed by several people that I engaged in activities such as head banging, rocking, and other stims.
Age 2- 1997
Still being raised by mostly my grandparents while my mother is in school. Around this point my mom's older sister who was in school to become a child psychologist began taking interest in me.
At this point I could walk but I could not bend my knees. At one point during this time, I fell through a glass table at my dad's house and ended up with scarring above my right eye and on the side of my face.
Age 3- 1998
This year, I was the flower girl in my aunt's wedding, which she claims I ruined. Otherwise, I was still being raised mostly by my grandparents while my mom and I lived with them.
I have vague memories around this point of possible physical or sexual abuse, but it is very hard to remember specifics besides that it was a very tall white man with very large hands.
At this point I could walk but I could not bend my knees. and people began to notice that I had very strange looking, elongated digits and that I bruised very easily and my mom began asking my pediatrician if they thought I might have an autoimmune disorder or juvenile arthritis.
Age 4- 1999
My mom graduates nursing school at this point and we move to the Carlisle/Harrisburg area with her boyfriend. My mom begins working as a home nurse and I begin going to daycare. I experienced an incident in which my mother mixed alcohol with Ambien and I was woken up by a paramedic as she was rushed to the ER. There was an incident during this time in which I fell down a flight of steps and hit my head against a wall at the bottom which I believe caused a head injury, though my mother refused to take me to the hospital.
Around this summer is the first time whenever I remember being sexually abused by my next door neighbor/classmate/friend and his parents.
Around this point I was given my first x-ray of my legs in which it was determined that my knees had never been broken and the issue that I was having it seemed to be a soft tissue problem rather than a skeletal problem. At this point I was prescribed knee braces and crutches as needed. I experienced a very severe beesting allergy around this time, resulting in hospitalization.
Around this point I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type and ODD, as well as pica, an eating disorder which caused me to compulsively eat plastic, metal, and other inedible objects.
Age 5- 2000
I am still living with my mom and her boyfriend next door to my classmate in kindergarten and his parents, who are abusing me. My mom is still drinking heavily despite it causing problems with her blood sugars. I begin acting out in kindergarten, including hitting another child with a Barbie doll and purposely annoying the crap out of a boy in my class who is the son of a local dairy Farmer (Kyle Yorlets of the band Carverton).
I start experiencing severe joint pain on top of having my knees and ankles constantly pop out of socket. My doctors start suggesting and testing for juvenile arthritis but it comes back negative.
Age 6- 2001
At the end of my kindergarten year, we move. During the summer before my first grade year started, I was put on a stimulant for my ADHD and I began experiencing rapid cycling between severe suicidal depression and severely violent mania. At this point I began being tested and evaluated for bipolar disorder. My mom and one of her sisters were also diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my mom switched from insulin injections to an insulin pump for her type 1 diabetes, and my mom and I both began taking psychiatric medication for bipolar disorder. Around this time my mom broke up with the person she had been dating while I was in kindergarten and she began visiting my aunt in California, and during one of those vacations she met a friend of my uncle's and they began dating long distance.
By the time that 9/11 happened, I was dealing with my first psychosis and I was actively hallucinating on a daily basis and had attempted to take my life for the first time by jumping out of a third story window. Despite the fact that my dad was extremely against me being on psychiatric medication, I began being prescribed mood stabilizers and antidepressants, as well as atypical antipsychotics.
Age 7- 2002
My mom was still struggling with alcoholism. Around this time I was able to find a combination of medications that cleared up the majority of my mental health symptoms with the exception of depression and anxiety. My mom's long distance boyfriend moved in with us and began abusing my mom in front of me.
During my second grade school year, I was repeatedly and severely sexually abused by a classmate and friend who was expiriencing multiple forms of abuse at home. When I tried to tell my mom, she physically lashed out at me. When I told my special education teacher, he misunderstood and thought I was accusing him and yelled at me.
I was not getting physical health care at this time.
Age 8- 2003
In early 2003, prior to my 8th birthday, my mom's boyfriend forced us to move to Norfolk/Virginia Beach, VA. While there, I witnessed my mom being severely abused, I was neglected, and we lived in an unfinished house that had lice, fleas, and bedbugs. After 3 months there, my mom and I fled back to Pennsylvania, at which point I returned to the same school and my sexual abuse continued. At this point it escalated to being raped with a pocket knife, resulting in permanent internal scarring and vaginismus.
After moving back from Virginia my mom's ex-boyfriend broke into our house with a gun given to him by my aunt in California. I stopped him and made him sit down on our stairs while my mom called the police, during which point he told me his intention was to kill my mother in front of me. Afterwards I watched the police tase him while we were sitting in the back of a squad car.
The stress of being stalked and being in a domestic violence situation convinced my Mom finally to start attending alcoholics anonymous meetings so she could attempt to get sober, and she began making many friends in alcoholics anonymous and dating people who she met there as well.
Around this time, my school psychologist aunt began obsessing over me. I was over at her house constantly, she got me into piano lessons, and I began helping care for her dogs. I remember them giving me my first glass of wine during this time. I found out later that she was trying to get my mom to take me out of psychiatric care because she was friends with my psychiatrist and was afraid of the embarrassment of her friends and colleagues finding out she had family members who were mentally ill. I have more vague memories of abuse at this time with the same large man with large hands. I don't think it's a coincidence that my aunt and her 6'4" ex-military husband are always around and extremely involved around these foggy abuse incidents.
Age 9- 2004
I was living with my mom and her boyfriend and they quickly got engaged. My mom was not drinking. She was still being stalked and began working with advocacy organizations. She began working at a local emergency room.
I was acting out at school. I was found to have a high IQ and was put in the gifted program, but I heavily relied on the special education program as well.
I began menstruating and started expiriencing what I now understand to be dysphoria. I began self harming. I started trauma therapy. I began receiving treatment for my chronic joint pain, migraines, and muscle spasms/tics.
Age 10- 2005
My mom and her fiance broke up and she began talking to an EMT she met in AA. Around this time, my mom was still dealing with her ex stalking her, and she decided to go to law school to become a domestic violence advocate and began applying for law school programs.
Around this time I stopped going to daycare and I was expected to take care of myself after school. I began acting as a crossing guard at school and I began babysitting.
I started expiriencing severe muscle spasms and tics, ovarian cysts, and I began having symptoms of digestive bleeding.
Age 11- 2006
Around this time or shortly before, my mom let her EMT boyfriend move in with us and he began using my AOL account to look up CP and other illegal material, often showing it to me. I told my dad what was happening and he called child protection, but they did nothing. My mom punished me for the call to CYS but didn't kick her boyfriend out until she found the searches herself, at which point she kicked him out and got rid of the computer to avoid consequences, telling me that people finding out what he did would make her lose her nursing license and would prevent her from becoming a lawyer.
During this time, I began running away and my mom began kicking me out as well. I would often sleep in my local park, outside my school, or on the floor of friends' houses, but sometimes I would just walk around all night and sleep during school. I got my first long distance online boyfriend at this point.
I had my first seizure this year, resulting in a spinal tap procedure that went wrong and caused me to have a spinal cord injury, which resulted in mobility problems and nerve damage. My cysts and migraines got worse as well. I began taking opiate pain pills and drug seeking at local emergency rooms and quickly became addicted. I began physical therapy. I had my first endoscopy and colonoscopy this year.
Age 12- 2007
My behavior began getting worse in 6th grade. I was put in a different class than all my friends, and I was put in the same locker row as the guy who raped me with a knife in second grade. He attempted to grab my butt and chest without my consent, so I beat the crap out him, which caused me to be put in full time special education. He and his friends bullied me violently and relentlessly. I got my first in person boyfriend at that point.
I began developing binge eating and starvation tendencies. I began self harming daily. I began sneaking opiates into school so I could use when I was stressed out or after dealing with my former abuser and his friends. I came out as bisexual this year which caused more severe bullying.
I was expelled and put in an alternative school in a classroom with students aged 12-18. I was the youngest student in the whole school.
In February, I was admitted to a mental hospital for the first time, and on the way there, an EMT forced me to watch 2 girls 1 cup and I was left alone in an ambulance for an extended period at a rest stop. The EMTs from that transport were from the same agency as my mom's ex. During this time, my mom temporarily revoked her parental rights, but she took them back to avoid paying child support.
At one point during this time, I agreed to preforming sexual actions with my drug dealer in exchange for a bunch of Vicodin, but things went wrong and I ended up in the emergency room needing treatment for the aftermath of the incident. During this exam and treatment, the attending ER doctor discovered that I had extreme internal vaginal scarring and vaginismus, making it almost impossible to use a speculum and to treat the injury I was dealing with. Because I was taken to the ER my mom worked at, the incident wasn't reported to the authorities and I was punished by my mom before I could even try to explain what happened. I was kicked out of my house for a week without my phone.
On the last day of the school year, I went back to my old school and I sat down with the assistant principal and I told him why I had been fighting the kids who had bullied me. I admitted for the first time what my classmate did to me in second grade, and that I thought the boy involved was a danger to other students and he needed therapy. I was told that it wasn't the school or district's job to help me, him, or any other student who was expiriencing sexual abuse and that I needed to leave school grounds or I would be arrested for trespassing. I was told that I would be permanently banned from all schools in the district, meaning I could never transition back to normal school and I would never be allowed to go to prom with my friends. Doing so would get me arrested. This rule was maintained until I dropped out.
My boyfriend and I broke up and I began dating a boy I met online.
I was officially diagnosed with PTSD. I began expressing a desire to present androgynously, but I was convinced to lean into feminity instead, and I began experiencing extreme dysphoria.
Age 13- 2008
My mom took me to Disney World for my 13th birthday as a way to apologize for making me go to the hospital. I was hospitalized while there due to opioid withdrawal and a UTI. Our relationship did not improve.
Shortly after turning 13, my in person boyfriend broke up with me and I started dating a girl from my school, along with the guy I was seeing long distance. My girlfriend was a bit older than me and was also addicted to opiates and also self harmed, so we were very bad influences on each other. She was the first person I had consensual sex with.
On the fourth of July, my girlfriend told me she had been raped, so I attempted to walk 11 miles in the middle of the night to go see her. I ended up having a breakdown while walking past some cow pastures due to my PTSD and agoraphobia, and I curled up in a ball and called my dad for help. He came and got me, but he was extremely upset to learn that my boyfriend wasn't white and that I was also dating a girl. He called my mom and my boyfriend racist slurs and physically hit me. My mom later came and got me and he called her a racial slur to her face. I decided that I didn't want anything to do with my dad anymore.
I stopped taking my medication and I continued to get worse. I was hospitalized twice for self harm, and when I was told there would be a third time, I responded by splatter painting OPI I'm Not Really A Waitress red nail polish all over our bathroom before running out of the house barefoot and hiding in a tree. This resulted in a 4 month long mental hospital stay, after which I was put in a residential treatment facility in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. During this time, my mom again revoked her rights and put me in state custody for about 6 months.
Age 14- 2009
I stayed in the RTF from January 2009 to January 2010. During this time, I successfully hid my bulimia and opiate addiction. I was severely abused. I witnessed severe abuse. I witnessed human rights violations. I was physically attacked by a staff member.
I had so little respect for most of the staff and clients that I used this time to practice lying to people who would compulsively lie themselves to see what it took to be convincing. With the few people I was honest with, I found the best friends I could ever have.
My relationship with my mom worsened. I was extremely isolated during my home passes. I lost all my friends and my mom became obsessively controlling over me. I was not allowed to talk to anyone outside our family, with the exception being my long distance boyfriend. My mom began talking to me and him about us getting married when I turned 16 as a way for me to move out.
I left placement underweight, with pneumonia and influenza due to the horrible conditions there and my untreated ED. I had extremely low iron and potassium, and I was briefly hospitalized.
On my first day back to school, I was high on heroin after having been clean for several months and I reacted horribly. I refused to go back out of embarrassment. I tried another day at a different school, but the same thing happened. I was high, I flipped out, I refused to go back.
I spent 4 months in my house, only leaving to get drugs. I started My ex girlfriend and I got back together and she came over to my house several times. We used together a lot. I came out as a biromantic lesbian.
I self harmed daily and my ED was rampant. I began obsessing over my left leg, left pinky finger, breasts, and nose and I hyperfixed on the idea of amputating my leg and finger, getting top surgery, and getting a nose job. I began allowing myself to be sexually exploited, making art, doing online gig work , and selling stolen items to pay for my addiction. My ex and I eventually broke up due to her and her sister being abusive towards me and stalking me online. Around this time, I first messaged "Dick", my oldest child's biological father, on myspace after meeting him through an older classmate. He is 8 years older than me, making him around 22 when we began talking online, but we weren't close at this point.
I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, OCD, sensory processing disorder, BIID, bulimia, BDD and c-PTSD. My doctors thought I had an autoimmune disorder and told me that "between addiction and illness, you won't live to see 18."
Age 15- May 2010
On my 15th birthday, my mobile therapists and my mom screamed in my face that I was useless and they hated me, so I attempted to take my own life. I ended up having my heart stop temporarily, I received a blood transfusion, and I received a type of skin graft called a strata graph. I experienced a NDE while my heart was stopped.
During the 3 weeks in which I bounced between the mental hospital and CHOP, my mom revoked her parental rights. My dad didn't want to take me, so I was put in a juvenile detention center under the guise of "shelter placement". I was attacked by staff and they destroyed my skin grafts. After being rehospitalized, I spent time in two additional youth shelters and temporary foster homes before being placed with an older black couple who were originally from Philly.
They were the best parents I could ever ask for and I really thrived, attempting repeatedly to get clean, until they found out that I had slept with girls before, at which point they became homophobic and abusive and I relapsed a final time. My biological mother regained her rights and we began reunification. I began attempting to get a piercing apprenticeship.
I broke up with my long distance boyfriend and started dating a boy from my school, "Johnny". He cheated on me our entire short relationship, and he was also struggling with an addiction, albeit to inhalants. I tried to have sex with him, but I was unable to due to my vaginismus. I gave him permission to lie that I took his virginity so neither of us would be embarrassed, and we broke up.
During this time, I was still using heroin and I was struggling to afford my habit. In April 2011, I owed my dealer $150 and I begged him for another IOU, and he offered me a free sample of a "new kind of heroin", and I accepted. I shot up in the kitchen, with him next to me, and I blacked out. I woke up on his bedroom floor with various bodily fluids on me and I realized it had been 4 hours. I walked out and there were 5 or 6 guys smoking and playing video games in the living room, and they were acting weird. I was told that my debt was settled. That was the last time I abused opiates, because I didn't have another dealer and I was afraid of it happening again, and I was afraid he would kill me.
A few days before my 16th birthday, I went to planned Parenthood to get my depo shot and discovered that I was pregnant. I went into shock and left, lying to my foster mom that I had to reschedule my shot because they had accidentally scheduled me for a different type of appointment and couldn't do it.
I told my ex and friends I was pregnant and "Johnny" immediately accused me of lying to try to trap him. He reacted very badly and didn't let me explain, so out of spite and because I didn't want to admit the reality of the situation, I started saying it was his to piss him off more.
At this point I came out as pansexual and came out to myself as non-binary, though I did not come out publicly due to my safety.
Age 16- 2011
I chose to hide my pregnancy from my family and foster family and I started saving money for an abortion, thinking that telling someone about it would ruin my chances of reunification. During this time my mom got a new boyfriend from AA, so I was being extremely careful to stay on her good side.
I went to planned Parenthood in June, having to walk past protestors who screamed at me. When I got into the appointment, they did an ultrasound and discovered that I was about 10 weeks pregnant with identical twins, and there was evidence of twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I was told that the pregnancy wasn't viable, it was too late for a medication abortion, and that I would need to travel to Reading and pay almost double for a surgical procedure.
I decided to let the pregnancy progress and continue to hide it, hoping that I would miscarry without issues. I was struggling with withdrawal since stopping heroin cold turkey, and I was still actively struggling with bulimia, so I wasn't gaining weight. I had bleeding and clotting about a week and a half after the appointment and I assumed I was no longer pregnant.
I transitioned home, but by the end of the summer I realized that I was still not menstruating and I was gaining weight. I went to an emergency room in September, and I was told that I was still pregnant.
In mid September, my mom and her boyfriend went on a vacation and I didn't have a working phone. I purged after dinner, and I began feeling sharp pains in my stomach and my water broke. I tried to take a shower but ended up going into active labor in the tub. I was in labor for over 12 hours, but at the end, there was no chance of viability. I managed to get a friend to take me to the hospital the next day, and I brought the remains with me and asked the doctors how to go about getting it cremated. The doctors called me "disgusting" and were really horrible towards me.
I told my mom what happened when she came home a few days after and showed her my hospital discharge papers but she didn't believe me. I attempted to take my own life and was hospitalized.
After leaving the hospital, I discovered that my best friend had taken her own life while I was in the hospital. I responded by taking 30 sleeping pills and being hospitalized again.
After that, I was home a week before my mom had me involuntarily committed out of the blue despite me finally trying to get to a better place, so she and her boyfriend could elope without leaving me home alone. She called me after their wedding and thanked me for "going along with the plan". I wasn't aware there was a plan.
After that, I began abusing sleeping pills and I eventually accidentally overdosed again, and my mom used this opportunity to revoke her parental rights while I was in the hospital. I was referred to rehab, but my dad chose to take me home instead despite us not having a relationship and me not wanting to go with him.
I moved in with my dad, getting to know my older brother and his wife and step kids. I discovered that my brother and my dad were taking cocaine on a regular basis to keep up with their job schedule. My dad behaved very erratically and made my life a living hell because of this. He would get high and get physically abusive, he made comments about wanting to have a threesome with me and one of his female friends because he knew that I was openly pansexual, he forced me to stop taking my mental health medication and then abused me as punishment for the symptoms that I could not control, and he beat the shit out of me whenever he found out that I had been up to date on all of my vaccinations, especially HPV. He also very closely controlled what I was allowed to wear including how I was allowed to do my hair and jewelry, and what parts of my body I was allowed to shave and how I was allowed to shave certain areas.
I only live there a few months before my dad got high on cocaine and punched me in the face, breaking my glasses. I left and walked to the local Walmart to ask if they would fix my glasses and I began crying, so they called my mom and the police.
My mom and her husband came and got me and it was decided that I would stop school and focus on getting a more consistent piercing apprenticeship and my GED. My GED prep instructor was one of the first people to suggest I get evaluated for a mathematics disorder and autism spectrum disorder. I started smoking cigarettes.
Age 17- 2012
My mom and her husband started treating me like an adult. I was doing well in treatment and I regained my social life. I began coming out to friends as non-binary.
I reconnected with a friend from Elementary school ("Andy") who I'd always had a crush on and we went on a date. I took a Klonopin beforehand, and even though I was in recovery and I had never smoked cannabis before, I smoked it with him and his friends. I had a really bad reaction to taking both of these together, but I remember what happened.
I was all over him and I had sex with him, making it the first time I was able to have consensual vaginal sex, but one of my internal scars reopened and I began hemorrhaging on my walk home.
My phone wasn't working, but my mom eventually found me and took me to the hospital, demanding they do a rape kit. The first hospital refused so we went to a second, at which point a rape kit was done without my consent and my mom threatened to give up her parental rights again before being talked out of it. I had to receive internal stitches. Andy was arrested, not for the supposed rape but because he was on the run and avoiding placement. While in placement, he revealed that he was diagnosed with POCD or pedophilic obsessive compulsive disorder, and I was naively supportive because I believed that his diagnosis wasn't the same thing as him being an actual pedophile.
Around this time I began planning to run away to Italy with someone I met online to marry her friend, and I began dating a 27 year old behind my Andy's back, though we didn't sleep together before Andy came home from placement and I focused on him. I was just looking for a way to get out of my situation.
On the anniversary of my best friend's suicide, I tattooed her initials on my own wrist. I got my first professional tattoo shortly after.
In December of 2012, my dad died from a heart attack. He was found next to cocaine and paraphernalia for shooting up. I temporarily moved in with family and I reconnected with my extended family and my brother and sister. After my dad's funeral, I really tried to become friends with my sister despite her being extremely abusive, but eventually I was forced to cut her off after she and her girlfriends jumped me and forced me to stay up for 24 hours straight after they believed I had stolen my sister's pills, despite the medication being something that I'm allergic to and if I had taken them, I would have had anaphylaxis.
Andy got home from placement and we started dating on and off in person, but he treated me really badly. With him, and while talking with a therapist, I started discovering how I was able to be physically intimate with people.
Age 18- 2013
I got my GED shortly after turning 18. I scored a 99% in all subjects except math, in which I barely passed.
Shortly after turning 18, while Andy and I were broken up, I found out I was pregnant again. I begged for him to take me back but he wouldn't, and shortly after we discovered that I had a missed miscarriage, which resulted in an infection. I needed a surgical procedure to remove the remnants of the pregnancy because I was unable to dilate due to previous damage.
Around this time, I lost my insurance and my mom started kicking me out for short periods. I began doing fetish modeling and other sex work for money. I was repeatedly sexually assaulted during this time. I would couch hop or sleep outside.
I lost 60% of my hearing in my left ear due to an infection. I was bit by a tick while on a walk with "Dick", with whom I'd begun casually sleeping with. I later discovered this tick infected me with Lyme disease.
Once winter hit, my mother decided to kick me out permanently and arranged for me to go to a homeless shelter. The day before I was supposed to go, I found out that I was expiriencing another miscarriage, despite not knowing I'd been pregnant. I responded by attempting to take my own life, but I still went to the shelter the next day.
I was in the shelter and dating Andy, "Johnny", and Dick on and off for awhile until Andy was arrested for raping his nieces, aged 11 and 13. I responded by getting into a fight with him and biting a chunk out of his arm. "Johnny" and I reconnected for a little while but he was still involved with an older woman who was extremely controlling of him and who encouraged his addictions in order to keep him around, so I eventually just stopped talking to him.
Age 19- May 2014
I agreed to move into a 4th story apartment above the homeless shelter that I was living in, despite it not having an elevator and my motor skills and mobility noticably worsening. I spent many nights with friends to avoid going up the stairs to my apartment.
My apartment building was full of black mold, so I was hospitalized for a week with pneumonia after a few months of being there. During this time, my sister and I reconnected after she heard from our grandmother that I was in the hospital. Upon returning from the hospital, I was talking to my sister on the phone while going up through the building to my apartment, and during that conversation I had come out to her as non-binary and pansexual. Several minutes after I got off the phone with her and I was changing my clothes, my landlords used their keys to open my door and immediately started yelling about my genitalia and making transphobic comments. Apparently they had heard my conversation with my sister from their office on the second floor, and they decided to use it against me. Upon leaving my doorway, they went down the hallway to the door of my neighbor, who was a trans woman, and they treated her in a similar manner. This happened on a regular basis the entire time I lived there.
Towards wintertime, an incident happened in which a friend of mine backed over my right ankle with a motorized shopping cart at Walmart and tore the majority of the tendons in my right ankle. I was put in a boot for 8 weeks and discussions about surgery were had, but before we could decide anything, I became unilaterally paralyzed on my right side and I was hospitalized. At first everyone thought I had a stroke, but I was diagnosed with Lyme disease, which caused a kind of Bell's Palsy. I was put on IV antibiotics and began physical therapy in the hospital, which I continued for a year after. It took a week for me to move well enough to be discharged but I was in a wheelchair for awhile and I wasn't able to completely walk again for a few months, and to this day I have some difficulties with my right side (it affects my facial expressions, speech, motor skills, and ability to write and type).
After being discharged and beginning treatment for everything related to the Lyme disease I started seeing a neurologist who looked at my history and realized that I had something else going on besides Lyme disease. During her first meeting with me she had me take off my shoes and she looked at my hands and feet, she had me look to the side and she looked at the whites of my eyes, and she had me do the Beighton test. That was the first point that I ever heard the term Ehlers-danlos syndrome, which began opening up a new level of understanding of all of my health issues throughout my entire life.
"Dick" and I began dating a little more exclusively, but he was physically and sexually abusive when I was recovering from paralysis, and I eventually realized he was cheating on me with his best friend's girlfriend, so I attempted to take my own life. At the hospital after this happened, I was told that I was pregnant and it was more than likely unviable. I miscarried a few weeks later, right before Christmas.
I spent New Years having sex with a married man I met that day, who a girl friend of mine had introduced me to that day. I truly stopped giving a fuck and began just dating around and sleeping around outside of my job as a sex worker. I began drinking heavily and helping my friends plan parties. I basically was just so tired and freaked out by all of the events of the past year that I just was acting as though I wasn't going to have another day.
Shortly before my 20th birthday, "Dick" and his new girlfriend went to a party that I had planned at a mutual friend's house, and during the party it became very clear that things were very close to ending with the girl that he had cheated on me with. She was behaving absolutely horribly towards him and was making everyone there very uncomfortable. Meanwhile, he and I began talking and I gave him the understanding that if we got back together we would be exclusive and he would not be messing around behind my back, and that any and all abusive behavior would cause me to leave. He agreed and we got back together.
Age 20- May 2015
Age 21- May 2016
Age 22- May 2017
Age 23- May 2018
Age 24- May 2019
Age 25- May 2020
Age 26- May 2021
#trauma#childhood trauma#ptsd#cptsd#wip#trauma timeline#timeline#life timeline#tw violence#tw abuse#tw cp mention#tw death#tw infant death#tw pregnancy loss#tw sa#tw drugs#tw sui attempt#tw ed mention#tw inc*st#tw medical discussion#tw child abuse#physical disability#mental health recovery#broken fox productions#Pennsylvania
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Im sure its transphobia that when i try to find images of phalloplasty i do not see like. The healed scars and how it looks once its healed. You know. How it's going to look the majority of the time.
Instead i see highly graphic depictions of the middle of the surgery, directly after where the scars aren't healed, and what the skin grafts look like before they heal. Like thanks dude. Not what i asked for.
#tw medical discussion#i suppose?#i wanna tag it as something#i did find some good sources and pictures but man#that shit sucks so bad#no one except transmen to other transmen have anything useful to say about it
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People use “top surgery” and “double mastectomy” very interchangeably while not knowing the difference.
A total (double) mastectomy removes breast tissue, the nipple and areola, and chest muscle. The scarring is similar but still quite different. It is preformed by a surgeon and is for breast cancer. A plastic surgeon nay be consulted for placement of implants.
Top surgery removes breast tissue and often fat (skin will also be removed so that there is no loose skin). The nipples and areola are either removed completely or are reconstructed and can have the placement changed. This is done by a plastic surgeon as it is a form of surgical conturing.
Less commonly (at least in my experience), top surgery also refers to breast implants in a trans person.
that being said, I am not a doctor. I just want people to have the right terminology. If anybody else has any knowledge on this, your insight is appreciated.
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Cramps.
I want to rip my uterus out
owchers that sucks
i have to do a prolonged procedure to make sure my brain is ok and i’m not having seizures, but atleast i will be at home. they having me do it at home so i don’t have to stay at the hospital for several days.
and i also have to do the tilt table test? idk what that is meant to do i just know they tilting the table
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(while going through some casual photos:)
How You Pull Ivy Off The Wall
(I was outside in front of the house one morning, trying to pull this effing tenacious crap off, and breaking my nails... and then I thought: "Why am I doing this? I'm a nurse. We have a tool for this kind of bullshit.")
...And lo and behold, we do. :)
ETA per @maybeasunflower's questions:
(a) What makes the gynecological clamps better? They were sort of spoon-shaped at the ends, with little grabby teeth on the insides of the "spoons". You could grab much more of an ivy stem with them. My regrets that I can't summon up their proper name from the depths of time. ...Must make a run up to the surgical supply place in Dublin and see if they've got any.
(b) Which rotation in your nurse training gave you the skills to remove ivy with Foley clamps? Med-surg. Debridement: i.e. debriding someone who's fallen off a motorcycle at speed onto gravel while not wearing leathers or other protective garments. Getting the deeply-embedded gravel out of the damaged tissue requires a very similar skillset. Fortunately, when working with ivy one needs to have far less concern about handling the process in such a way as to cause minimum pain to the substrate you're removing it from. The wall doesn't care. :)
#ivy is really tough#but is it tougher than Foley clamps#I THINK NOT#(I wish I had a pair of the ones we used to use for gynecological surgeries though)#(that would be even better)#tw: discussion of medical procedure (debridement)
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I take it all back torchwood is batshit insane Jack saves a man from suicide but the guy immediately says I’ll do it again btw so Jack says oh ok and sits with him while he kills himself?????????????
~200 years old and never had any mental health awareness training????
#compared to s2 Owen who spends an entire episode talking a woman down from a ledge jesus no wonder jacks not the medic#now listen I could get into some deep analysis of the fact that Jack knows exactly what this guys going through but didn’t have the ability#himself to do the same thing and maybe there’s some kind of envy or sense of mercy by allowing him to skip all the pain and it’s all a#testament to how desperately miserable Jack is himself but. it’s a really fucking wild thing to do on tv and then it literally never ever#discuss again in any way#torchwood#tw suicide
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BB!Honeyfern -> Honeysnake
A girl who's gonna be stealing a little more time in BB.
[ID: The Better Bones version of Honeyfern. She is a spiky, golden, blue-eyed cat with a brown mask and stripes. Her torso, paws, and 'boots' are creamy. She is being bitten by an adder, and prepares to bite back]
Clanmew Name: Mlashiff, Mlasis
(Mla = Honey + Shiff = Frond, the leaf of a fern)
(Mla = Honey + Sis = Serpent, generic term for snakes)
Alignment: ThunderClan
Relations:
Parents - Sorreltail, Brackenfur
Siblings - Molepaw, Cinderheart, Poppyfrost
Ex-Mate - Berrynose
Apprentice - Briarlight
Honeyfern stands tall as the strongest, most ambitious kitten in the Brackenfour litter. Through BB!Po3, she is a rising star in ThunderClan, and Hollypaw's rival. Honeyfern's ferocity was only matched by her compassion; in early BB!OotS, she doesn't hesitate to lay her life on the line to attack an adder in defense of Briarkit.
After fighting for several days against one of the worst injuries Clan cats know of, Honeyfern survives, and is bestowed the Honor Title of Honeysnake before even getting her first apprentice.
(One of the first completely uncontroversial choices that Bramblestar makes!)
But, the painful ordeal causes Honeysnake to realize things about her boyfriend, Berrynose. Traits that had once been endearing were suddenly not so cute. Boldness comes across as selfishness. Protectiveness becomes controlling behavior. His 'sense of humor' means he doesn't take things seriously.
If only it could have been so simple to just leave him. No, she never would have guessed that the week she left Berrynose, he would immediately become interested in her sister. Poppyfrost!! What are you doing?! GIRL
With her uncle Thornclaw as deputy and far too busy for an apprentice anyway, it's obvious who Briarkit's mentor must be. The brave cat who saved her life became her guide and best friend, staying by her side through every hardship until her fateful death during the Battle of the True Eclipse (BOTTE).
LOTS more under the cut!
Honeysnake's personality is firm, responsible, and occasionally overly proud of herself. At the same time, she is driven by kindness more than anything else, and would break her own back to lessen the burden on her clanmates. She takes after her dad, Brackenfur, more than any of her siblings!
Because she massively values her own strength and her helpfulness, she can be goaded into overexerting herself and bossing around other cats. She doesn't mean to be pushy, but her heart is so large that she sometimes fails to realize that she's only made things worse. Big sister energy!
She must learn to balance this; a flaw is often a value in excess.
When she was an apprentice, her personality could really clash with Cinderpaw's.
Cinderpaw is very emotional, to the point of instability. Honeypaw couldn't understand that Cinder had to learn to work it out on her own, and sometimes inserted herself into her problems
This would make them both upset, as it wouldn't work and then Honeypaw would scold Cinderpaw for not taking her unsolicited advice.
In spite of all this, they love each other and got closer when they got older. It's ironic that Honey and Poppy would eventually be the ones fighting-- they NEVER fought as kids!
She fell in love with Berrynose after he developed a crush on her. Honey hadn't really thought much about romance before then, but she fell hard.
Berrynose was bold and exciting. She was always the one chasing after other people, finding ways to help everyone except herself. To BE pursued instead felt flattering, even freeing. He could be REALLY mean, yeah... but that was endearing, for a time. It felt like honesty, and it was refreshing that he would just say the things she would hold back to be polite, or diplomatic.
They were getting serious before the snake, which is now shuffled to happen in the first book of BB!OotS
The energy in ThunderClan had been... off, for a while. Since Hollyleaf had revealed the secret of her parentage and vanished, uncle Thornclaw had replaced Squirrelflight as deputy, and Leafpool was demoted as Cleric.
The couple had been discussing kittens and such, something uplifting so things could start to heal and move on.
In hindsight, they were normal adult discussions. In Honeysnake's reflections, something is ironic about how mature Berrynose had been just before the incident. Like he really was growing up, for a while.
Was he truly getting better? Or was that just a side of him she stopped being able to see in the new light? She'll never know.
The fight with the adder is burned into her mind, in extreme detail.
She remembers being cuddled next to Berrynose from the second level of the camp. She remembers the way her stomach dropped when she realized, from her vantage point, that a branch-shaped object under the wall was slithering. How she screamed for Briarkit to get back and bound across the quarry faster than she'd ever moved before.
The snake bit her first, and then she bit it back.
Venom from an adder burns. It quickly spread up her paw and through her arm, searing her veins like fire. She crumpled into a screaming heap next to her dead foe, sending the entire camp into a panic.
Jayfeather, already overwhelmed through being a new Cleric working alone after Leafpool's demotion, having recently been publicly disowned, and still mourning his sister, had to spring into action
And the very first crack that Honey noticed on her mate was how Berrynose threatened Jayfeather. "You'd better save her, if you don't I'LL kill you!"
Jayf didn't even dignify it with a response. She was glad he didn't. She didn't want Jay doing anything but helping her not have burning blood.
An adder bite is one of the deadliest, most painful, difficult injuries to treat across all four Clans. She required round-the-clock care and was in constant pain, for days, without guarantee she would survive.
And Berrynose was unhelpful, to say the least. Even going so far as to wrinkle his nose when Jay chewed up a mouthful of nettle for Honeyfern's treatments.
What she once found funny and endearing wasn't so cute when he couldn't be serious when she wanted him to be.
Leafpool, ex-Cleric, started stepping in to help Jayfeather in the den... against Bramblestar's demotion. Jay had never treated such a serious injury before, the rest of the Clan didn't stop needing treatment
The Clan was already a bit split on the idea of Leafpool not being a Cleric anymore. She's Leafpool Moonpool. She made mistakes-- but what else are the Queen's Rights even for?
Has she not already been punished? And what about Honeyfern, their clanmate, who needed her help right now?
And Bramblestar would NEVER prevent Leafpool from giving an injured cat from getting the proper treatment they need..........
But, of course, Berrynose was more loyal to his mentor than almost anything else. He had concerns about an unholy, codebreaking ex-Cleric attempting to heal his mate, and what it would mean for Bramble to rescind an earlier command.
Honeyfern, obviously, didn't care if StarClan themselves had come down to say Leafpool Bad. She wanted to not suffer and die.
And after monumental effort on the part of two trained cats, the entire Clan doing their part to support her, and Honeyfern's indomitable will to survive, the burning cooled to embers and the pain subsided.
She survived the bite of an adder, killing the beast in the process. An achievement that was so impressive that ThunderClan concluded she MUST be truly blessed.
Bramblestar is stingy when it comes to Honor Titles, but for this? He could not ignore it. The Clan needed a morale boost. She had survived the insurmountable. Everyone had come together over this situation, in a way that they hadn't in many moons.
So, as soon as she could stand for a ceremony, he decreed before their ancestors that the venom had been an anointment (thornclaw came up with that line). From now on, she would be known as Honeysnake, in honor of her survival.
It's rare that cats who are so young receive such Honor Titles, and it immediately boosted her up in status.
Berrynose was jealous of this. Not in a way where he'd say so openly, but in the way he would downplay her Title, not celebrate her achievements, or use it to deflect in conversations.
The breaking point was when the newest crop of apprentices was assigned, and Bramblestar decided that Honeysnake was absolutely ready for her first apprentice.
(Millie's three kits, despite being a little older than Dove and Ivy, were slightly delayed in their apprenticeship so they could all be apprenticed at once)
Hazeltail and Mousewhisker had proven themselves strong and competent, ready for their first apprentices. Mousewhisker was given Bumblepaw, Hazeltail receives Blossompaw.
To make sure there weren't too many young mentors, Birchfall was given Dovepaw, and Brightheart received Ivypaw.
And, lastly, to commemorate her strength and honor how she'd saved this child, Honeysnake was given Briarpaw.
...leaving Berrynose as the only cat of his litter without an apprentice! While Bramblestar, HIS mentor, was leader!!
But instead of being upset with Bramblestar, he felt Honeysnake had taken what he'd been owed.
Maybe some other time, Honey would have tried to comfort him, and make him feel better about it all
But she was DONE. That was ENOUGH coddling! SHE was the one who had gone through all of that, killed an adder and saved Briarpaw, and now he feels so entitled to an apprentice that he's upset with HIS MATE?
Poppyfrost, meanwhile, had been watching the ceremony of the apprentices with a forlorn gaze... and was about to get sucked in.
Without getting into Poppyfrost too much here, her key traits are Curiosity and Avoidance. Setting boundaries has always been difficult for her, or saying no to people. So when Berrynose turned his sights on her following his breakup with her sister...
Poppyfrost felt good. She felt desirable, for the first time since she'd given birth to Jayfeather's secret children. She hadn't shared with anyone how low she'd felt for the past 6 months, and it suddenly felt like there was a light in her life.
From Honeysnake's perspective, though, Berrynose found a whole new way to get into her life through Poppyfrost. Poppy started taking his side, or at the very least, not supporting her sister. Honey couldn't get away from Berry without avoiding Poppy, too. So the fights continued.
But, the most important thing in Honey's life quickly became her apprentice.
Briarpaw was attentive and enthusiastic, a bright little ball of light and hope. Honeysnake had a lot to teach her and she listened eagerly
But Honeysnake couldn't save her when the tree came crashing down.
Briarpaw lost control of her back legs, and it was immediately, widely accepted she would not be able to become a warrior.
As Jayfeather spoke with Littlecloud about how to treat her and give her a good quality of life, picking up the "notes" for Wildfur's old mobility device, Millie started becoming very controlling of her daughter.
At first, Honeysnake tried to give the family space... she didn't know what to do, if it was right to get involved or not.
After all, Millie is Briarpaw's mother. She just wants what's best for her, and Honeysnake wasn't sure how much Briarpaw could do now either. She loves her apprentice, so she didn't want to hurt her, or ruin her family by accident.
But then she started to realize how miserable Briarpaw was becoming. She was always such a joyful kid, so excited to get out there and try everything. A radiant little fireball, eager to fight for her Clan.
Now, she was silent, just letting her mother speak for her, only ever piping up to comfort her own parent.
Her quietness wasn't coming from her injury-- it was coming from how Millie was making her feel like her life was over. Like it would have been better if she died, since it was hurting her mom so much to "see her like this."
One day something hit Honeysnake, like a revelation. "I never stopped being her mentor. It's STILL my job to be there for her!!"
She couldn't completely stop Millie from making Briarlight feel awful. She couldn't prevent Blossompaw from misplacing her anger on her sister. She couldn't make Graystripe do his job as a dad to help his kids.
But Honey could be there for Briarpaw. She could be a safe place to talk, a friend and a mentor, and just get her away from Millie for a few hours a day.
And she was even wise enough now to realize that arguing with Millie directly would only make things worse for the young cat. Everything was for Briarpaw, what SHE needed. How to help her.
Together with Jayfeather, they'd even planned out how to schedule things so that Briarpaw could speak for herself without Millie interjecting.
For Briarpaw, it meant everything. There were people in her corner.
Though she couldn't pass an assessment in the usual way, Bramblestar still allowed Briarlight to get her full name. After all, she, like her mentor, had survived the unthinkable.
Honeysnake had never been so proud of anything in her whole life.
And at the end, just before the Battle of the True Eclipse when the Dark Forest was going to attack, they had a final conversation. Watching the moon inch closer to the sun, and knowing it may be the last time they ever spoke.
Briarlight said something she'd been holding back for a long time. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the apprentice you deserved..."
It made Honeysnake's belly lurch. After all they'd been through, to hear she was still holding onto a piece of what Millie made her believe was painful. "What...? I didn't save you to make a warrior. I did it because you have a life to live. Brili, I'm your mentor. I'm supposed to deserve you."
It turned out to be exactly what they suspected, the last words they'd ever speak to each other. Honeysnake fought ferociously for the Clans in the BOTTE, reunited with her old rival Hollyleaf and putting her quarrels aside. She meets her fate halfway through the night, in the bloody Second Wave.
Her death fills ThunderClan with sorrow. She's deeply mourned by everyone; her mother, sisters, friends, nespring, Clanmates. But most of all, Briarlight holds her memory close to fill her with strength in the coming years.
Honeysnake's spirit is invoked for fulfilling one's full potential, and making hard, painful choices to reach it. As the generations go on, she's associated with the shed skin of snakes and beetles, and the 'necessity' of putting oneself in danger to help others.
OTHER TRIVIA
SPIKY. I decided to give her Brackenfur's colors with Sorreltail's texture. She's the most intensely-colored of her siblings, BRIGHT golden, hence the name.
She's also got Sorreltail's torso marking going on, and her fuzzy 'dividers.' She got the boots from Brackenfur though.
In BB, she has Sweetness Tolerance! Ironically enough, she is able to taste and enjoy honey... and boy does she like her sauces.
Her favorite food is honey-glazed bacon, meat strips cut from the belly of a boar. A rare treat but a delicious one. She likes to eat the whole thing like a noodle, chewing it upwards and not using her paws at all.
As a kit, Brackenfur used to tell her to mind her manners. She had a bad habit of eating things without using her paws, because she likes sauce but not getting it on her beans.
She had her eyes on deputyship from a young age. She wanted to be just like her dad.
Losing him was rough. It was even harder when Bramblestar took power just a few months later, she felt like she should have been seeing her dad making the announcements...
But, she stayed strong, especially for her siblings who seemed to be taking it even worse.
Canon doesn't mention what sort of snake bit her, but BB takes place in northern England and the only venomous snakes there are ADDERS babey!!
I drew a girl adder on purpose because something felt very funny about this. here I go pitting two bad bitches against each other. diversity win! The wild animal that tries to eat a baby is a girl!
ADDERFACT: A female Vipera Berus is brown, a male is black and white, but their color can vary immensely.
Bramblestar is a terrible namer. Honeysnake, Mlasis, is a fine name, but he chose the generic term for all serpents (sis) instead of an adder specifically (sipya). In his head it sounded more honorable.
But! It's not the worst!
"Honeyfern" was given by Firestar, and intended to be a nod to her rivalry with Hollyleaf! Hollyleaf's suffix referred to the leaves of most trees, and Honeyfern's to the leaves of ferns.
Both them were named after Brackenfur, who they both looked up to. Brackens are a type of fern, and Firestar wanted to invoke a plant for the names of both cats.
Because Honeyfern was named first and also Brackenfur's child, she got the word for fern leaves.
Of course *Holly*leaf was already named after a plant... but no one ever said Firestar was a FANTASTIC namer either, after all, he's the genius behind "Brambleclaw."
Honeysnake's relationship with Poppyfrost was stable at the time of her death, with her two young nespring having been born... but if it was ever going to "improve," who knows.
but they were cordial. At the very least. She would have been involved in the lives of Mole and Cherry.
Unfortunately there's always a lot left unsaid when someone dies so young. She had a whole life in front of her, cut short because of Tigerclaw's ambition.
#tw snake#tw snake bite#VIOLENCE#Adder bite#adder#BB!Honeyfern#Honeysnake Shuffle#Honeysnake#Better Bones AU#tw pain#tw medical discussion#tw ableism
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my psychiatrist canceled on me after she refused to discuss prescribing my same meds past last month 🙃
#while i’m extremely sick 🙃#like i’m already out of one med that you refused to discuss last appointment!!!#personal#medical stuff tw
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Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.
#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here.#ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i-#-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up-#-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“#not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK#like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college#im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd.#also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds!#why am i being forced to do it again?#also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough#for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why-#-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol#its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life#demand avoidance#medical demand avoidance#chronic illness burnout#chronic illness#chronic pain#medical tw#ptsd#disability#medical neglect#medical trauma#vent#this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first#idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.
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I love food and cooking and eating but honestly this just makes me never want to eat again. It's so painful. It's exhausting. It's a constant worry and paranoia and everytime I think oh it'll never happen again it DOES and idek what to do because a food elimination diet would probably kill me for mental reasons alone like. FUCK. It's a clockwork of every few months I have a week or so like this and I just???? Can't figure out WHY
#tw disordered eating#i guess????#again a physical medical thing rather than ED#but just in case!!!#anyway its 1am i am lying here in so much pain unable tosleep#scheduling emails to go out to my boss#plus the THREE meetings i have to reschedule for tmrw#bc i am. indisposed#like none of them were super serious. two im not worried abt rescheduling#one is. well. it's cutting it close re professional deadlines#but ill manage. probably.#conference proposal due next sunday but only found out abt it last week#wanted to discuss with higher up colleague before i submitted
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there needs to be more talk about how barbaric and inhumane treatment of people with eating disorders is both medically (the stripping of their agency, personality, religious behaviors; the diagnosis/treatment focusing on bodily health rather than mental wellness; the legal stripping of rights and privacy; the dismissal of patients who would like EDs to be acknowledged as or alike to addictions) and socially (the refusal to acknowledge EDs as illness and not a choice done to offend others; the widespread mockery of ED sufferers b/c it’s seen as acceptable somehow? to mock them; the open leering and disgust at their bodies; the dismissal of fat people who say they have an ED). these things are a massive problem and yet nobody really cares to find a solution that works better. nobody wants to change the way they look at these people either. EDs (anorexia specifically) are THE most deadly mental illness and yet there is little to no sympathy for them
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