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gatheringbones · 6 months

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[“It was only after I came out as a dyke that, for the first time in my life, I felt ready to celebrate being a girl, and I did. Actually, I overdid. Armed with Esther Newton’s Mother Camp, Judith Butler’s Gender Trouble, and Joan Nestle’s A Restricted Country, I embraced femme. I dressed up in short flowery dresses, pushup bras, satin panties, and lacy stockings. I paid great attention to my long, curly, perfectly-coiffed hair, my glamorous makeup, and especially my pouty lips. I spritzed Lola’s smell on my skin—Estee Lauder’s Private Collection—and painted my nails. I wore all of it with black combat boots and a brilliant sense of irony. I reveled in my girliness, went over the top, learned how to tweeze my eyebrows and line my lips with a lip pencil.

My gender presentation was unmistakable: blatant female sexuality. I was a proud, in-your-face, take-no-prisoners, uppity, don’t-assume-I’m-straight-because-I-wear-lipstick-and-dresses femme dyke. Because femmes are always assumed to be straight or sleeping with men, and I do sleep with men, I made sure to always have a butch on my arm so I’d be read as femme. Even though I was sure I’d be mistaken for straight, the boys took one look at me and steered clear. It was as if I was too much of a woman for them to handle, like I was a handful, and I was. But butch girls love a handful—a handful of tits, a handful of ass, a girl who needs to be handled, a girl who can handle herself.

How I figured out I was a femme had a lot to do with the women I was attracted to and the dynamic between us. When I was in junior high, I used to mess around with a friend of mine named Angela. Angela was one of those girls who developed early; I remember she had big breasts in like sixth grade. We mostly kissed and touched over clothes, and we played out various boy-girl scenarios. I was always the girl—my early femme roots. My favorite of all our little scenes was the one where she was my male boss and I was the secretary. The boss made me have sex with him and told me if I didn’t I would get fired. Now this was all before Clarence Thomas, Anita Hill and the media awareness/obsession with sexual harassment. I remember she’d tell me to suck her dick and push my face unmercifully into her crotch, which smelled amazing,. The drama of it all—the force, the degradation, the power games—really got me off. After that, there was no going back to simplicity. I was hooked on the power.

Jen really epitomized all the girls I was attracted to then and still am. Being with a butch girl, I was valued for my combination of strength and vulnerability, for dressing up, for wanting an arm to hold onto, hips to wrap my legs around, being able to give my body over to her and say, I trust you, I’m yours. My butch loved me in low-cut dresses, appreciated my sexual voraciousness, worshipped my inner slut. I reveled in the fact that I could be strong and submissive all at once. Surrender and still be a feminist. Being a dyke is not just about who I fuck and love, it’s about being a girl who doesn’t play by the rules.

Butch girls don’t play by the rules either, and I love butch girls. Girls with hair so short you can barely slide it between two fingers to hold on. Girls with slick, shiny, barbershop haircuts and shirts that button the other way. Girls that swagger. Girls who have dicks made of flesh and silicone and latex and magic. Girls who get stared at in the ladies room, girls who shop in the boy’s department, girls who live every moment looking like they weren’t supposed to. Girls with hands that touch me like they have been touching my body their entire lives. Girls who have big cocks, love blow-jobs, and like to fuck girls hard. Every day, it is the girls that get called Sir that make me catch my breath, the girls with strong jaws that buckle my knees, the girls who are a different gender that make me want to lie down for them.

Someone else said it about me recently and it’s right on target: “She gets off on all different sorts of people sexually, but she falls for butches.” Like the poet who bought her first strap-on with me and then wanted to sleep with it on. The shrink-in-training who got harassed every time she drove down South. She did look so much like a fifteen-year-old boy: blue button-down shirts, neatly-combed blond hair. The ad exec who had names for her dildos and used to love for me to spit-shine her wingtips. The photographer whose face was so mannish she could pass almost anywhere. The writer who wanted a body like Loren Cameron’s. The telephone repairwoman who drove a truck. The cook who had a boy’s name. The academic who got cruised by gay men on Castro Street. The cornfed farmboy from the Heartland with arms so hard and strong you swear they’ve been working the land, not the iron at the gym.

And there’s the one who’s got the James Dean stare down, and dresses like a clean-cut fag, and looks at me like she could look at me forever and never blink or grow tired or move from the spot she’s in. She’s a girl who loves girls like me—girls in velvet bras, girls who want to surrender to her mouth. She’s a girl who isn’t afraid to throw a femme down on the bed and fuck her. Possess her. My kind of girl. This girl is different.”]

tristan taormino, from this girl is different, from a woman like that: lesbian and bisexual writers tell their coming out stories, 2000

#tristan taormino #bi literature #gender stuff #femme #currently reading #terra preta

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discoveringpolyamory · 1 year

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Opening Up is the first book I recommend to anyone looking to explore polyamory, as it focuses on the idea that you build your relationship around what works for you.

Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships. With a refreshingly down-to-earth style and sharp wit, Taormino offers solutions for making an open relationship work, including tips on dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding a community, parenting, and time management.

(Discover more at DiscoveringPolyamory.com)

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campgender · 6 months

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Hi, love your blog, no pressure do you have any sex sociology etc related books or movies you recommended? Sorry if silly question!

not a silly question at all!! i love to read about this stuff & am always happy to talk about it :) i am however not very experienced with film so other than Bound being on my to-watch list since forever i don’t have any recommendations in that area

all of these recs are definitely at different points along a spectrum of how much i ascribe to or agree with; i avoid language of “safe, sane, & consensual,” for example, because i disagree with the requirement for safety and the positioning of sanity as synonymous with not doing harm. a lot of kink writing falls into the habit of trying to justify itself to normative society through language of health, which i find both useless & offensive lol. as far as content notes it’s also worth mentioning that many if not all of these works discuss stigma & trauma, including hate crimes, rape, and incest.

i have a prior list on my disability blog with recs about sex & disability, i highly recommend checking out my favorites from there! Emma Sheppard’s work in particular was life-changing for me. many of these were accumulated through her sources as well as from @gatheringbones ‘s excerpts

in no particular order:

sociology

Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy by Staci Newmahr

Safe, Sane and Consensual: Contemporary Perspectives on Sadomasochism, edited Darren Langdridge & Meg Barker

Sex and Disability, edited Robert McRuer & Anna Mollow

The Sexual Politics of Disability: Untold Desires by Tom Shakespeare, Kath Gillespie-Sells, & Dominic Davies

Unbreaking Our Hearts: Cultures of Un/Desirability and the Transformative Potential of Queercrip Porn by Loree Erickson (dissertation)

Dungeon Intimacies: The Poetics of Transsexual Sadomasochism by Susan Stryker (article)

Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex by Pat (now Patrick) Califia

Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, edited Mark Thompson

The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure, edited Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley, and Mireille Miller-Young

Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent by Katherine Angel

practicality

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy

The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, edited Pat (now Patrick) Califia

Fucking Trans Women by Mira Bellwether (zine)

sex writing

S/HE by Minnie Bruce Pratt

Skin by Dorothy Allison

Lover by Bertha Harris

Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love, and Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary, edited Morty Diamond

Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink by Midori

#asks #reading lists #mac’s bookshelf #why not take me now as i am?

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have-you-read-this-short-fiction · 2 months

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#short story collection #short story collections #sometimes she lets me #tristian taormino #various authors #21st century literature #english language literature #have you read this short fiction?#book polls #completed polls

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polyamorous-intentions · 2 years

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Polyamory & Queer References

Ethical Slut – Dossie Easton & Janet W. Harding

-Focuses primarily on sexuality and gender. Communication and relationship structures are discussed. Good starting place for preparing yourself and/or partners to enter into ENM.

Polysecure – Jessica Fern

-A look at attachment styles and how it relates to adult relationships in ENM. A bit academic and wordy but not a bad read.

Love is not color blind – Kevin A. Patterson

-an excellent look at race and ENM in the North American context. Deconstucts bias, racism, fetishization, and priviledge in ENM. Highly recommend.

Opening up – Tristan Taormino

-Poly/ENM relationships and constructs. Good Beginner book.

Come as you are – Emily Nagoski

-A refreshing contemporary look at female sexuality, toxic female constructs, and acceptance.

- marjani Lane poly blog

A great poly blog run by a black woman, lovely infographics, all around excellent.

Girl Sex 101 – Allison Moon & KD Diamond

-Wonderful book for any person who wishes to have sex with folk who identify as women.

ACE: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex. – Angela Chen

- One of the best sex and culture books ive ever read. Deeply informative, challenges social norms, and takes a strong ACE perspective. I consider this required reading for those past the beginner phases of identity.

Gender Outlaws: The next generation – Kate Bornstein & S. Bear Bergman

- A modern adaptation of the classic Gender Outlaws. Though it might not be ENM specific gender concepts are core within the ENM community and this book is such an amazing resource.

The Male Body: A new look at men in public and private – Susan Bordo

-Male sexuality, societies obsession with the penis, and societal expectations.

Male Sexuality: Why women don’t understand it, and men don’t either – Michael Bader

-Looking at the western worlds constructs of male sexuality, expectations, and problems.

More Than Two – Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert

-outdated and Franklin has been outed as a serial manipulator and SA person. There are many other great resources. Use them instead.

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kleefkruid · 10 months

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polyam ask anon here. Thank you sm for that extensive explanation! I was trying to look on my own but didn't know where to start. I don't have any questions rn (mostly because I need to let the information settle first) but I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to type all that out. I'm a little hesitant to try polyamory even with toe dipping because I'm very inexperienced relationship-wise in general (haven't been in one before) and I'm a little afraid of what my family would think (I love them dearly, but they don't understand polyam at all and think you "don't love that 1 person enough if you need more")

I'm definitely interested in learning more, though. Are there any resources I could use? Books or anything, like you mentioned?

No rush in starting relationships, I had my first one at 24 and that happened by sheer chance as well. And I'd say experience is overrated because every relationship is so wildly different to the previous. You get better at filtering out some types of people but you will always be bumbling trough each and everyone of them and that's fine, really.

Hmm, book wise I just own Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, which was a gift by a more eperienced polyam person when I was starting out. It's not a light read, it's more of a resource guide to all kind of open relationships and it has chapters on for instance starter things like "turning your mono relationship into a polyam one" all the way to chapters on things to consider when buying property, planning a family. It's one of those books you open when you have a specific hurdle to cross. It's a pretty good guide book in my opinion, for the parts I have read. Not to much 'you must do this' and a lot of 'but consider this'

@ BoldlyGrow is a youtube channel that's now inactive but the videos on there have some explanations of polyam terminology and also go into the benefits but also the harder things about polyamory and questions to ask yourself before getting into it. That might be a useful tool for you, I'd recommend looking into that first and maybe you go "yikes, not for me" without having spend money on a book.

I have seen 'the ethical slut' also be recommended as a resource a lot but I haven't had a chance to read it so I can speak for it personally but I'm adding it bc other people seem to like it?

Another great resource is of course always just making polyam friends, on feeld there's a lot of people who are also (or exclusively) looking for friends bc it's nice to have likeminded friends who understand your lifestyle (I don't have to tell the queer website that). If you have polyam friends they can give you advice thats personal to you or you can just see what they're up to. Lot's of people I hang out with are much less mystified by polyamory after a while bc it will be just as boring as anyones elses relationship haha

You can also look for other poly people in the tags over here but good luck bc you have to block about 500 fanfiction writers (half of them from the bts community, fun fact) before you can see any personal posts (we really need a different dedicated tag it's a mess)

The polyamory subreddits I'd avoid because I mean it's reddit, their relationship advice is bad universally

when it comes to parents, ah, you know, my parents don't understand it fully either but they see I'm happy and they like my partner a lot so that helps. It's generally easier when they can put a face to it. there are a lot of polyam people who aren't 'out' to their families but my family is very much of the 'as long as you're happy' variety so I can't give much advice if that's not the case with you :)

#poly #polyam #polyamory

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daydreamerdrew · 11 months

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excerpts from “Porn Wars” by Betty Dodson, published in The Feminist Porn Book: The Politics of Producing Pleasure, edited by Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley, and Mireille Miller-Young

#on sex #my posts #book excerpts

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monstraduplicia · 3 months

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hello! I thought i'd stop by your blog. i'm just starting research into history of porn and erotica in general and i was wondering if you maybe have any recs or directions, anything you'd like to share, really?

omg it's an honor that you thought of me!! I have some documentary recs as well as books I've either read partially or in full. some of these are on sexuality in general, but i find that pov to be helpful on the subject

documentaries: inside deep throat, the sarnos: a life in dirty movies, ask a porn star, pornography: a secret history of civilization

books: eroticism - georges bataille, the culture of desire: paradox and perversity in gay lives today - frank browning, the history of sexuality - michel foucault, dominatrix: gender, eroticism, and control in the dungeon - danielle j lindemann, pleasure bound: victorian sex rebels and the new eroticism - Deborah Lutz, last night in paradise: sex and morals at the centurys end - katie roiphe, the feminist porn book: the politics of producing pleasure - tristan taormino, the other hollywood: the uncensored oral history of the porn film industry - legs mcneil

sorry its mostly books but i read a lot about this in college so its what I can recc

#asks #deaddovehasbeeneaten

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cometcrystal · 4 months

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While you are totally entitled to be squicked out by how other people engage in kink, saying certain stuff "isn't kink" or "isn't leather" because you personally don't like it isn't a very informed take. Leather and kink has always included stuff that was taboo, that was part of what made it a subculture to begin with. Gay sex was taboo, playing with sadomasochism was taboo, dubious consent was taboo, these things have always been a part of kink. Already people in the notes of that post are saying "yes raceplay and incestplay is too gross to be considered kink, those and CNC, petplay, ageplay, dubcon" ect. POC engage in raceplay, people who have survived csa engage in incestplay and cnc. People have their own reasons for engaging in kink the way they do. And kink is very focused on making sure people are playing in an informed, safe, and consensual way. Any public play space I've been too has maintained the rule of "don't yuck someone else's yum", while also educating on when kink becomes abuse and what is and isn't safe behavior. It's a space where people can explore these things that are taboo or squicky in a way where they are safe and informed. Saying these things aren't kink doesn't stop people from engaging in these things, and policing what is or isn't kink goes against what kink is to begin with honestly. I recommend actually like, reading books about kink and informing yourself, I personally recommend

The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino

Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

The New Topping/Bottoming Book by Dassie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

The Dominance Playbook by Anton Fulmen

Also like, actually talk with people who engage in kink and try to learn a bit about their perspective. You don't have to like what they do or "get it", but you also don't get to gatekeep a community you aren't even in.

#i didnt see anyone denying that those things are kinks in the first place and i never said that either

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gatheringbones · 2 years

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[“Watching erotic films—movies that are driven forward by sex scenes—is different from looking at single photos, pictorials, snippets, clips. The medium, the experience of going all the way through an eighty-minute feature, is an entirely different ride than a momentary glimpse, a fast-forward.

To prove it, I started throwing living room movie shows for my friends. I would give away my screener copies and show segments of my favorites. It was like I was offering free rocket tickets to the moon. My neighborhood audience was fascinated—and completely inexperienced. The living room got a little bigger—I created an educational show-and-tell clips lecture called “How to Read a Dirty Movie,” and another one called “All Girl Action: The History of Lesbian Erotic Cinema,” which I started premiering at independent theaters like the Castro and the Roxie. I hit the festival circuit all over the world, including a daring mission by the British Film Institute to get my movies in, despite ironclad UK customs rules against them.

One college-tour memory stands out. In rural Blacksburg, Virginia, a closeted gay student got ahold of student union funds for Friday Night Fun! at Virginia Tech to bring me out there for one of my clips shows. This is a school with a history of devotion to Southern white boys and military service. The students weren’t even allowed to watch R-rated films on campus. I didn’t find out this history until I was moments away from the podium. My young sponsor looked like he’d just detonated a bomb and his face was covered in sweat. “My Dirty Movie” clips show started, which happens to begin with excerpts of two young handsome army cadets making out on a firing range. I thought the roof was going to cave in. Blacksburg boys were running for the doors, making vomiting sounds, screaming. The students who stayed in their seats watched a full spectrum of sexual and human emotion, delivered by porn’s finest auteurs. They got more sex education in one hundred minutes than they’d had in their entire lives.

The stunned president of the Young Republicans, a co-sponsor of Friday Night Fun!, took me out to a fast food dinner afterward. He told me that he found it curious that the scenes of lesbians making love had pleased him, while the scenes of gay men had given him a stomachache. I was impressed that he was calm enough to observe his own reactions.

“I don’t disagree with all of what you do,” he said, “but I think it’s entirely unjust that you receive checks from the government for your homosexuality.”

I stared at him with my mouth full of fries. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” I said, “I only get half as much because I’m bisexual.”]

susie bright, from the birth of the blue movie critic, from the feminist porn book: the politics of producing pleasure, edited by tristan taormino, constance henley, and celine perreñas shimizu, 2013

#susie bright #tristan taormino #currently reading #bi literature #history stuff

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partialbirthabortion · 10 months

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I still have yet to find any lesbian bodice rippers outside of Tristan Taormino anthologies. I tried to pick up When Katie Met Cassidy today because at least the love interest is actually butch even though I knew the sex scenes were fade to black and it was so offensively bad that I literally returned it to the library within the hour.

#and im not even talking about the mistakes the butch love interest for a man thing. thats fun. it can be hot.

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chattingwiththelightkeeper · 1 month

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New to D/s and wondering about the power dynamic. I’m sure a lot of this is individual but am wondering if there are some universal truths or practices to the imbalance.

What are common strategies that Doms employ to maintain the imbalance?

Is it common for Doms to maintain a bit of mystery by holding back their feelings a bit? If he holds back in order to keep up his mystery, power, strength—how can the sub get the reassurance she needs?

If a Dom keeps his sub waiting for him (for instance waiting a day or two to message her) is that to reinforce the power imbalance?

Do most Doms want a sub who doesn’t hide her need for him? Is her neediness part of the power dynamic? How should a sub handle her neediness for him when he keeps her waiting or holds back his own feelings?

Welcome to the world of D/S exploration!

It is great that you are reaching out to learn about power dynamics, they are a crucial part of the lifestyle for many.

However, your repeated use of and referring to a power imbalance is a red flag that must be addressed because a healthy D/S dynamic is built on a consensual exchange of power, not one person having more or complete control over another.

Why Power Imbalance Is Dangerous:

Safety Risk: When there is an imbalance, the submissive can be pressured, coerced, and forced into things they are not comfortable with. This will lead to emotional and physical harm.

Predatory Behavior: It is important to recognize that some may use the idea of D/S as a cover to manipulate and abuse their partners. Those who intentionally create and exploit a power imbalance are not true dominants, they are predators.

Lack of Trust: A healthy lifestyle relationship thrives on trust and open communication. If one partner has the power, trust cannot flourish.

Unsustainable Dynamic: Relationships built on an imbalance are inherently unequal and this leads to resentment and dissatisfaction for both partners.

The Importance Of Education:

Education is key to navigating complex interpersonal dynamics, including those involving power dynamics. A strong understanding of communication, consent, and respect is crucial for healthy relationships of any kind but especially true to avoid power imbalances in D/S. Here are some great places to start:

Books:

The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

This is two books, not one but they go hand in hand. If you are dominant, or top, start with The New Topping Book or if you are submissive, or bottom, start with The New Bottoming Book. Once you have finished the one that aligns with you, carry on and read the one about the other side of the proverbial slash. These books are straightforward while covering all the bases, from roles, the community, playtime, and most importantly SAFETY.

How to be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM by Morpheous

For singles and couples looking to take a walk on the wild side but questioning where to begin, How to Be Kinky offers the perfect starting place. Instead of emphasizing techniques and clinical issues, it takes a more practical approach, with advice on finding a scene, negotiating kinky play with a partner, maintaining boundaries, kinky uses for common household objects, and the proper protocol at fetish events, as well as the basics of BDSM play and role-playing - Description from Amazon

Ultimate Guide to Kink edited by Tristan Taormino

The Ultimate Guide to Kink is the first major guide to BDSM in a generation--a bold and sexy collection of essays that run the gamut from expert how-to tutorials to provocative essays that delve into complex questions about desire, power, and pleasure. The book brings together diverse voices from the kink community in an unprecedented way: each chapter is written by a different sexuality/BDSM educator. Divided into two sections, the first section features thorough, thoughtful pieces--on everything from flogging to bondage--packed with techniques and beautifully illustrated with original images from artist Katie Diamond. The second section is dedicated to role-playing fantasies and personal manifestos. From age play to masochism, these chapters cover some of the edgiest, most taboo, and controversial elements of kink in depth -Description from Amazon.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Molly Devon and Philip Miller.

The classic guide to sadomasochism by two experienced players. This unabashed, entertaining book strips away myth, shame, and fear, revealing the truth about an intense form of eroticism too long misunderstood and condemned. It is fully indexed and includes over 225 photos and illustrations, and a 250-plus word glossary -Description from Amazon.

Websites:

Submissive Guide - A community where submissive mentoring, self-taught training, and BDSM exploration are in focus. We are dedicated to helping submissives understand themselves and the service they wish to provide; from sexual to domestic, personal assistant to pain slut, and everything in between. Browse the site for tips, information, and resources to help you improve your submission with or without a partner.

FetLife - FetLife is the most popular social network for the BDSM, fetish & kinky community but this is not here because of its popularity. One amazing thing that Fetlife makes very easy is connecting to your local in-person community. Just tap the events tab and you can find out what classes, meet-ups (called munches), and other events are happening right in your neck of the woods. Local kink communities are a fantastic source of support, information, and lifestyle education.

Identifying And Communicating Needs Effectively:

Healthy D/S relationships rely on open communication and mutual respect. As a submissive, understanding and expressing your own needs is just as important as understanding your dominant partner's desires.

Here are some tips to help you identify and communicate your needs effectively:

Self-awareness: Take time to reflect on your desires and boundaries. What kind of scenes do you enjoy? Are there specific limits you have? Journaling or meditation can be helpful tools for self-discovery.

Clear Communication: Once you understand your needs, communicate them clearly and concisely to your dominant partner. Use "I" statements to express your desires (e.g., "I would feel more comfortable if..." or "I would enjoy it more if..." ).

Open Dialogue: Maintain an open dialogue with your partner. Healthy negotiation and compromise are key to ensuring both partners' needs are met within the dynamic.

Open Communication and Healthy Boundaries:

Healthy D/S relationships rely on open communication and mutual respect. This includes establishing boundaries around communication styles. A touch of mystery can add intrigue to your D/S dynamic, but there is a crucial difference between a playful mystery and a dominant who constantly withholds their emotions or intentions. This can create an imbalance of power and leave you feeling confused, insecure, or unsure of where you stand.

Red Flags of Manipulation:

Emotional Distance: A dominant who prioritizes mystery over emotional connection might be using it to manipulate you. This can leave you feeling confused, insecure, and unsure of where you stand.

Mind Games: Does your partner use cryptic messages or vague instructions to keep you guessing? This can be a manipulative tactic to control your behavior and make you feel dependent on them for clarification.

Emotional Unavailability: A healthy dominant should be emotionally supportive, even if they maintain a bit of mystery. If yours is consistently distant or unavailable, it might be a sign they are not invested in a genuine connection.

Remember: Trust is the foundation of a healthy D/S dynamic. This means open communication about your needs and desires. If the mystery is causing you anxiety or confusion, speak up! A dominant who prioritizes a healthy relationship will be happy to adjust their approach to foster a safe and fulfilling experience for you.

Do Not Be Afraid To Set Boundaries:

If the mystery feels manipulative or controlling, do not be afraid to set boundaries. Communicate that you need more emotional connection and clarity to feel comfortable. A dominant will respect your needs and adjust their behavior accordingly.

Are They Playing Games?

Ultimately, excessive mystery is a red flag. It is important to be aware of tactics that manipulate your emotions and keep you off-balance. If open communication does not address your concerns, it might be best to step away from the dynamic and seek a partner who prioritizes trust and emotional connection.

Waiting And The Red Flag Of Power Imbalance In D/S:

A dominant keeping their submissive waiting for a day or two is a red flag for a developing power imbalance in D/S. Here is why:

Manipulation Tactic: In a healthy dynamic, communication is open and respectful. Excessive waiting, especially if unexplained, can be used to manipulate the submissive's emotions. It might create anxiety or a feeling of needing to constantly be "available" to the dominant.

Unilateral Control: D/S is about consensual exchange, not unilateral control. If waiting is used to control the submissive's access to communication or the dynamic itself, it is a serious issue.

Focus On Communication:

Open communication is crucial. The submissive should feel comfortable expressing if the waiting is causing distress. A dominant will be receptive to this feedback and work towards a communication style that feels balanced and respectful for both partners.

Your comfort and well-being are paramount. If the waiting behavior creates an imbalance or causes distress, do not hesitate to address it directly. In a worst-case scenario, walking away from the dynamic and seeking a partner who prioritizes healthy communication is always an option.

Another potential red flag to be aware of is how needs are handled within a D/S dynamic.

D/S Neediness And The Power Dynamic.

Healthy Neediness In D/S:

Open Communication: Dominant partners in a healthy D/S dynamic appreciate open communication of needs, including emotional needs. This fosters trust and intimacy within the dynamic.

Boundaries and Negotiation: However, neediness should be expressed within agreed-upon boundaries and through negotiation.

Neediness And Power Imbalance:

Manipulation: A dominant who withholds communication or affection to exploit a submissive's neediness is engaging in manipulative behavior. This creates an unhealthy power imbalance.

Addressing Neediness When A Dominant Waits Or Withholds Feelings:

If a dominant's behavior (waiting, withholding feelings) is causing the submissive to feel insecure or overly needy:

Open Communication: Direct and honest communication is key. The submissive should express how the dominant's behavior is impacting them.

Reassessing Boundaries: It might be necessary to renegotiate boundaries or communication styles to ensure both partners feel comfortable and respected.

Remember:

Safety and Comfort: A healthy D/S dynamic prioritizes the safety and comfort of both partners.

Mutually Fulfilling: The dynamic should be mutually fulfilling, with open communication of needs and desires.

If the dominant's behavior creates an imbalance or the submissive feels persistently uncomfortable, it is best to re-evaluate the dynamic or seek a partner who prioritizes open communication and mutual respect.

D/S exploration, when approached thoughtfully and carefully, can be a powerful tool for exploration. However, avoiding power imbalances is crucial. Healthy D/S thrives on consent, mutual respect, clear communication, and a safe environment for all partners. The resources mentioned here can be a springboard for further exploration and education. Remember, trust and emotional connection are the cornerstones of a healthy dynamic, not manipulation or control. As you embark on this path, prioritize your well-being and commit to ongoing education to ensure a fulfilling D/S experience.

Edward Volkl

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jstoys · 1 year

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Sex Ed 2023

What's new in sex? A lot, actually — and the news is definitely not what you might expect. Right now, sex is more daring, more complex, and more surprising than ever. From rethinking one of the biggest taboos (we were shocked!) to virtual sex (not kidding), this is need-to-know info about getting it on. Want a grown-up lesson in sex ed? Keep reading to get schooled.

https://www.joysticktoys.com

1. Think Kink

One of the last sexual taboos is having a major moment — bondage tape, handcuffs, and all. BDSM (that's bondage, discipline, submission, and masochism, for folks keeping score at home) may not be mainstream, exactly, but it's inching out of the underground. Harvard has its own officially-recognized group for students interested in kink, while social networking site FetLife nearly doubled its membership in the last year. And, tourists can visit the San Francisco offices of Kink.com, the subject of a James Franco-produced documentary that premiered at Sundance.

https://www.joysticktoys.com

"There has been a growing interest in alternative practices like BDSM, pegging, and non-monogamy for several years, and that growth has only increased," says sex-positive writer and activist Tristan Taormino. "Coupled with more mainstream media coverage of these issues, I think we're likely to see more people come out about their sexual identities and practices that don't reflect the cultural norm."

So, is everyone getting kinky now? Not so fast, says sexologist Dr. Jill McDevitt. "I think mainstreaming of S&M will be a long road, mainly because it's misunderstood," she says. "I'm not sure 50 Shades of Grey has helped with that, because it largely misrepresents BDSM as abusive and controlling — which it's not." So, even though pop-culture interpretations might not always get kink right, one thing's for sure: Collectively, our sex lives are a lot less vanilla.

2. Adult Social Media

This may come as surprising news, but pornography is popular on the Internet. (Shocking, we know.) The newest developments are less silicone, more Silicon Valley. Whereas adult entertainment used to revolve around high-gloss pay-for-play sites, some start ups are creating XXX versions of popular sites that don't allow T&A in their TOS.

Snatchly, for instance, is basically Pinterest for porn; instead of hair-braiding DIYs, though, its boards include "Amazing Boobs" and "MILF." Then, there's Offbeat, a crowdfunding site for adult projects. It's like Kick starter, but it has funded projects such as an online game for flurries and a NC-17 take on World of Warcraft.

https://www.joysticktoys.com

The 'net effect: more X-rated entrepreneurs. "The Internet has radically shifted the ability for independent porn producers to exist, and sites like Offbeat help promote a different financial model and encourage people to take the reins of production," says Taormino. And, she says, this is just the beginning: "Indie porn has been on the rise and will continue to be

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sunnymegatron · 1 year

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Authentic Kink & BDSM Community Lessons w/ Mollena Williams-Haas Ep 204 (Pt. 2)

How do you live your authentic kink life when your needs don't match up with the BDSM community status quo? In part 1 (ep 203) Mollena Williams-Haas told us how returning to the leather community after parting ways sparked an unexpected journey of healing and growth. In this discussion, Mollena shares practical advice for digging past the stereotypical BDSM “supposed to’s” in order to identify your needs and honor them. D/s relationships are about making life better for both doms and subs -- but how exactly do we go about that? Mollena has some helpful answers …

Mollena Williams-Haas Bio

Mollena is a writer, actress, BDSM Educator, Storyteller, sobriety fiend since March 2007, and Award-Winning Executive Pervert. Owned & collared by renowned contemporary composer Georg Friedrich Haas, she serves as his beloved slave, submissive, wife, servant, and Muse. February 2016 saw a groundbreaking piece about their relationship featured in the New York Times. They are also both the subject of the documentary The Artist and The Pervert.

As a two-time leather title holder and kink educator, Mollena's viewpoints on Kink-related issues are frequently sought after by sources like The New York Times, Newsweek, Essence, Ebony, etc. A frequent guest expert on Dan Savage’s “Savage Lovecast,” Tristan Taormino’s “Sex Out Loud”, and Margaret Cho’s “Monsters of Talk” podcast, she’s even spoken about Kink at Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. Mollena is also the co-author of the “Toybag Guide: Taboo Play” and “Playing Well With Others: Your Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities”.

A professional stage performer since age 5, Mollena’s credits include The Wiz and co-starring with Danny Bonaduce in underground cult-classic America’s Deadliest Home Video. Her short film, IMPACT, won “Cinekink’s Best Experimental Film." Mollena’s latest performance piece and movie is Hyena, a collaboration with her husband. Mollena also appeared on Sex with Sunny Megatron on Showtime. Her latest endeavor is The Kink Doula. (Mollena's Full Bio: http://www.mollena.com/about/ )

Episode 204 Helpful Links & Resources

Part 1 of this discussion, Episode 203 https://sunnymegatron.com/mollena-williams-haas-bdsm-leather-community/

All That and Mo, Podcast hosted by Mollena Lee Williams Haas https://allthatandmo.com/

Kink Doula https://kinkdoula.com/

Mollena Lee Williams Haas Website http://www.mollena.com/

Mollena Lee Williams Haas Facebook https://www.facebook.com/mollena

Mollena Lee Williams Haas Instagram https://www.instagram.com/mollena_lee_williams_haas/

Mollena Lee Williams Haas Twitter https://twitter.com/mollena

Mollena Lee Williams Haas Patreon https://www.patreon.com/MollenaLeeWilliamsHaas

Mollena on RISK! Episode 442 “Slave” https://soundcloud.com/riskshow/slave-by-mollena-williams-from-episode-442-slave

Hyena Teaser Trailer https://youtu.be/UrAJji7qdwk

The Artist and the Pervert Trailer https://youtu.be/ko_6bGeADGU

The Artist and the Pervert Documentary on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Artist-Pervert-Georg-Friedrich-Haas/dp/B08NC5C1PK

The Restrict Act Bill S. 686 https://www.congress.gov/bill/118th-congress/senate-bill/686/text

ResistBot https://resist.bot/petitions

Find & Contact your Legislators https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/118/s686/comment

Chat GPT https://chat.openai.com/chat

Sunny’s Free Kink Negotiation & Scene Planning Mini-Workbook https://sunnymegatron.gumroad.com/l/negotiationwb

Sunny Megatron TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@sunnymegatron

American Sex Podcast Discord Community http://bit.ly/discordasp

American Sex Podcast Patreon http://patreon.com/americansex

Episode 204 Sponsors & Discount Codes

*by using our links & codes you can help support our work while saving a few bucks too—win/win!

40% off Beducated’s yearly pass https://beducate.me/pd2317-sunny and use code SUNNY

Get 20% off + free shipping at Manscaped.com with code SUNNY http://manscaped.com

Go to http://GreenChef.com/sunny60 and use code sunny60 to get 60% off plus free shipping

Pleasure Podcasts Network https://www.pleasurepodcasts.com/

Sunny’s On-Demand BDSM Classes & Coaching: https://sunnymegatron.gumroad.com/

15% off most items from Stockroom https://bit.ly/sunnystockroom15 with code SUNNY

–To support American Sex Podcast/Sunny Megatron & help offset the cost of providing no-charge education: http://patreon.com/americansex

Check out our latest episode!

#sexpodcast sunnymegatron kinkpodcast BDSMpodcast kinkiscustomizable

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compassionatereminders · 2 years

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Hey Kat,

I feel like I probably missed a post or two at some point but it sounds like your boyfriend and another person expressed romantic interest for each other and are pursuing a relationship and you’ve given the go-ahead but are also having insecurity thoughts and feelings about it, is that about right?

As a polyamorous person I have some thoughts about this if you are interested (if you’re completely done with advice from strangers then, well, understandable.) One is, often times people who aren’t polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous can be very judgemental and unable to separate “I basically want this but am having uncomfortable feelings” from “this is bad.” So if you are interested you may want to seek out polyamorous/non-monogamous groups online (and/or in person if that’s an option) to talk about this with people who don’t just assume that not being monogamous is bad.

Another thought is: not all open relationships operate on the same rules/guidelines/agreements/assumptions about the world. And, well, wanting to pursue relationships with more than one person and being ok with a partner doing the same are not the same thing. I’d recommend looking into how other people do things — I know this is a lot of reading but I especially recommend the books Opening Up by Tristan Taormino and, well, I haven’t finished it so I’m reluctant to say I recommend it but a lot of people have recommended Polysecure by Jessica Fern, which is about attachment and non-monogamous relationships. Basically it’s exactly about how to be non-monogamous and also feel secure in your relationship(s). The subreddit r/polyamory also has a lot of beginner-oriented resources. And I’d recommend spending some time thinking about what you want and talking it through.

I am kinda worried for you (it’s a big change! and did you really have time to think through/look into how this might play out?), but that might just be because I’ve read some absolute horror stories and somehow the people with relationship disasters always seem more eager to share than people with happy, low-conflict relationships. Anyways, having doubts about your desirability or worthiness as a partner is pretty normal in this context and absolutely can be gotten through and doesn’t mean this is doomed to not work out, and also, is a polyamorous or otherwise open relationship something you would still want even if Tiny wasn’t in the picture? Is this something that you want for you, and is it something where your boyfriend is going to be as open minded if you find someone else you like as you’re being about him? And is polyamory something Tiny actively wants, or is she tolerating it because she likes your boyfriend?

Are you in a place where if you definitely didn’t want them to pursue a relationship, you would feel OK saying so? Are you in a place where if you start getting treated badly and talking about it wasn’t helping, you could just walk away?

Best wishes,

Ray

I don't mind advice, questions and opinions from y'all as long as they're respectful and don't jump to conclusions without knowing the details. I have actually received a lot of input which I have really appreciated from y'all already. So it's not that I'm closed off to hearing your opinions. To answer your questions: the only reason I'm actually considering this is BECAUSE it's Tiny. I'm generally not that interested in open relationships, and if she wasn't already a person I love and trust, I would be deeply uncomfortable. But because we BOTH already know and love her, I'm open to considering this. Not because any of us *need* an open relationship but because it's her. And Tiny says she wants me there - AND that if I do decide that I don't want HER there, she'll walk away for good no questions asked. So it's not that I don't have a voice in this situation. It's just that I don't wanna use it before I actually know what I want

#chat with kat #discourse tw

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