#till im in the ICU | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

snaileo · 4 months

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gonna write this post to reflect upon things before the year ends - it will be long

i dont know how to start this - or how to even express my thoughts. but this year was hard - very hard and i wish i could remember what i was doing last year. last new years eve, but i cant remember. i wish i could tell my past self, that in a few days time, you would learn that your mom's cancer came back and then 8 months after that, on the dot, she'd pass away. obviously i cant. this last month has been especially hard, not that i was excited for christmas anyway, but it was my first one without her. one thing id do every year is check everyday for xmas music to come on the radio, which i did excitedly??? this year, and on nov 10th, it started and my excitement was cut abruptly when i realized i was alone in the apartment, without her to exclaim it too. it hit me all over again. its so hard to go into her room even though i have too bc the washer and dryer are in that particular closet, and it still feels like shes there. its eerie. its hard for me to associate this absence of her with being gone because this is just what her room looked like when she kept having week long hospital stays every month since may - so it was no different right? but i gotta keep telling myself that it is, that shes not coming home. Well she *is* home but not how I knew her.

both my dad and i felt this time was different, long before the complications began. i remember having that conversation with him, anxiety gripping every part of my being, something just felt different about all this - and it wasnt until months later that our fears would be confirmed. one of the things i struggle with most is guilt. feeling like i couldve done more, that i shouldve done more, that i was her caretaker and she died - i feel like i let her down, i feel like maybe if i had done this or that, it would be different, that she would still be here. i try to tell myself i did all i could but its difficult. i simply feel like i failed. i failed her. she deserved better than what she got -

she had seemed so invincible to me, with all that she had survived in her life, the way she carried herself with each thing she overcame - but in that final week, the one she spent in the ICU till she passed - i saw her slowly break down, her body slowly give in - i was really hoping she would Bounce Back, like she always did, so many close calls in her life, but she always came back - i was anticipating the next week when she would be out of the ICU, back at the apartment, talking about how she survived yet again -- but that didnt happen.

i completely broke after her passing, and had a solid month of feeling, disassociated from myself - deep within an existential crisis and grief - really truly grappling with what death is - and it took a while to realign myself. im still not okay - but im better than i was then. im still very lonely. the amount i spoke to my mom, daily, was something i never even realized until after she passed. i cant talk to my dad the way i talked to her - she had a near photographic memory and could recount stories and tell them in such an engaging way that i hate that i do not have a single fucking recording of her telling any story. that i no longer will hear her recount her life to me, tell me as if it happened yesterday.

im finding new things everyday that i didnt even realize i'll miss.

she believed in an afterlife, in spirits and heaven, and i hope, for the sake of the terrible hand she was dealt, that there is an afterlife, that she gets the happiness and peace she deserved. i found a lot of comfort in reading people's stories about seeing deceased loved ones in dreams, ones that feel like a visit, whether or not theyre truly a visit or just what the heart needed - it was comforting. one thing i didnt foresee was how painful the dreams she appears in would be. how painful to see her or hear her, or just knowing shes there - and then i wake up. reality hits. one odd thing to note is the first time i had dreamt about her after her passing, i wasnt allowed to look at her, i knew she was there, somewhat in my peripheral but there was a voice telling me "do not look at her, dont look at her" it was a strange feeling, it was so vivid. most of my dreams now that consist of her are typical dreams, tho a portion of them have me baffled that shes even there and i try to ask her How??? i thought you were dead, and she would come up with some excuse or some way how she survived. its a strange feeling. dreams are strange.

realizing this is getting too long. if you stuck with reading this whole post thank you i guess. this was meant for me to vent and reflect. especially since my mom was born in the year of the dragon, and 2024 will be the year of the dragon.i dont know how to end this post.

#this is a personal vent and reflection #it got really long so dont worry abt reading it or whtever #this was mostly for me

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askfoxythejokerfox · 9 months

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hey everyone *sighs* so some bad news i don’t know when im going to be able to do rps as right now my grandmother is still in the ICU right now and i won’t know anything about her condition status till next week Friday *sighs* so till then ill be trying my best to answer some asks and upload a few things to my blog till then

#PSA #uploads

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madafact · 11 months

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nope

ill try to be concise and add as much detail as possible

sometimes writing can be a cover to a book that is about to be written, read, burned, or put down

my brother anthony john masters died on june 10th or 11th i cant remember, the days post have zero anchors or even dates. mostly just a sense of disbelief, and the need to still have to put on clothes, smile and get hair cuts and shit, ya know life bullshit, the stuff that doesnt fucking matter after you lose what you really have in this odd plain we occupy.

my first notice was a photo of his beautiful body being held captive by a hospital bed and three not even complete sentences,

"bicycle accident. head trauma. will be in for seven days"

this was sent by my most eloquent father, who will not hesitate to mention he is a writer who has a vocabulary that could sink the titanic.

how we communicate, to me, shows me the level of respect, admiration, reverence and connection you feel to someone. Ill let you connect those dots. but i will give you a hint at the ending, anthony died. and all the anger, disrespect, lack of trust was the missing words in the first transmission. i think ive said it before but my father does not like me nor does it seem he has any interest in knowing who i am. but this isnt about me

anthony was conscious for the first few days and the prognosis was picking up like the wind. the sun seemed to be parting the clouds and what seemed like just another 'slam at the park' was going to be in the rearview mirror. but ya know, another front moved in on it began to rain.

i have been well informed just how prickly of a cactus new york city can be, and if you dont respect the idea, then you become the grease that turn the wheels of incompetence. it seems incompetent doctors, nurses and medical staff cut anthonys life short. more on that later.

i arrived at the hospital to late to see my brother still squirming in this world and he let me know just what he thought of my tardiness. im trying to open the ICU doors (which open not by handle, but by button, and once initiated, do not stop not even for a 500 lb gorilla. my welter weight body was absolutely brushed aside, sat on my ass with a broken nose and blood, thanks ant, you loved a good board to the face or some shit like that.

anyway he was gone, his body was warm, in a failed attempt i tried to climb into his bed and kinda just spread over him like butter, backside stil moist from his path through life. i touched his chest, kissed his forehead, held his hands examined his post humous face, and went as far as to cut lochs of his beautiful hair for safe keeping, for as many years as i have left. he truly was a beautifully built creature, tats and all, scars, broken bones, off set nose and all. but when i got there, all that started its slow process of fading slowly, then quickly, and soon into ash.

even having him in my arms wouldnt let reality in. shock will be my blanket for the coming winter and it looks to be particulary brisk this season. it still hasnt set in. even after gallons of tears, thousands of racing thoughts, a landscape of sweaty palms and not much rest or fuel. its starting to take a toll. i showed up to a memorial for him a day early today. cold sores are tilling my lips and a general sense of seeking shelter on a partiulary blustery day is my commute to work these days.

the lochs of hair were for me but ya know, as soon as people see you getting something, they want it too. it wasnt supposed to be for everybody, its supposed to be for the ones who seized the opportunity. me.

but ya know find grace and share. even though...what ever.

i maybe spent 40 minutes to an hour with his physical form before the next step had to begin. the state makes money on beds, and once you dead, you out da bed. he was just another stat, another pair of pants to check for loose change and maybe an unspent bill or two. and they wanted us out to begin the search.

fuck the state, and those who tow its nets across the ocean floor decimating everything in its path to catch a few prizes and waste a whole host more souls.

fuck new york

fuck california

fuck me

so i guess thats the end of the experience, but it is only the beginning of the angelification of my brother. the people he affected, the tone (for lack of a better word) he set, the wake he created and the stories that will outlive him.

his chosen family was a mega group of friends made around the college years, fostered across both coasts and eventually planted in bay shore or point pleasant new jersey. a wonderful family of young and old. similiar age and even multiple species. but little was i aware, this was only a small portion of the spiders web. he had been very busy spinning intricate patterns that in the morning light and dew would mesmorize people. moths to flame but this was a bit more of like a cozy fire or even perfect coals to prepare food over.

california, new jersey, new york, mexico city, colorado, oregon, washington, and im probably forgetting a whole host, or just havent found out about the other places. multiple ceremonies were held for him, and are still being planned for future dates, future surf trips, future joy and happiness.

he truly went after being part of peoples love for life. he was a one way street to positive town. it took many forms, tropical mental attitude, tony masters association, boistrous, gregarious, know only for hug not handshakes.

the ceremony we held in the immediate day after was located in new jersy at the beach with more surfboards and beach toys than the coast could imagine. we were even granted passed past the usual, permits, rules etc. for a day, anthony has the bay head cops in his pocket and they nodded to his celebration while many local people looked around in an unusual jealous disbelief.

the waves were not typical for the time of year, the wind stayed the right direction, the sun shined ALL fucking day. all ages caught waves and hooted for each other. anthony was fully on display as his new angelic form. tending to the elements, playing jovial pranks and keeing safe passage for all. just like he always dreamed of. he had arrived. he had become that all powerful, undenieable indescribeable wonderful dream. the light was so bright i imagine. he must have felt the warmth. after all it is a very bright light that we must walk into.

im not even two days into the i think day 5 nightmare/ endless bummer that has no signs of slowing, callousing or even seeming at all acceptable. please help me find acceptance anthony. what happened to you was unacceptable but if your reward is the infinite, cheers dude

i think ill have to do this post based on emotional resources, because as i get to this point, crying in a coffee shop wearing sunglasses trying to stay low key. its not working. the sniffles are giving me away and my coffee cannot be sipped in a unrippled fashion. the hands tremble and my backspace button is just getting a workout.

so please forgive me as i collect myself, my thoughts, and look to the sky for the strength to even find reason to keep my foundation built by me, for myself to not come crashing down.

the crescendo continues..

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golfgolyo · 1 year

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TALK IS CHEAP

Smokin blunts in the ville

Coming with that southern feel

I hate a bitch

I hate busta

Raised to win if need I kill

No hiccups in my game

Throwing words with a slang

It’s a Tennessee thang

Rep the south we love it mane

Here’s the deal comin real

Layin waste to all these fakes

I break a mutha fuckas will

And skin these puny coward snakes

Demonstrating with the assertion

Fighting till my very end

You can not win within this life unless your dominant my friend

So put your foot up in the ass of any soul who try to stop you

If you wanna reach the top

Just fly along and do not drop till

You are spaced from this place

Somewhere else but still I’m faced

With all these cowards that I hate

Just let me live and don’t relate

I ain’t sparing no bitch feel the wrath within my path

From underground the trinity we rising off the map

So watch your words if we’re spoken

Or the fires are awoken

See the devils what your hoping but there’s worse that’s yet been broken

With the 3 no provoking only worried bout ourselves

Into the future we will grow and make this bump this wicked craft

Feel the heat from the sun beating down upon your back

For the moon will come soon and then we go out on attack

Ain’t no need for the money I just do it for the laughs

Feed my ego with these deeds

So terrible is how I act

No emotions when I’m stalking

Hear the terrors in this track

No remorse I’m ever shown

Creeping up so watch your back

IM GETTIN TIRED OF THESE RAPPERS

SPITTIN’ ALL THE SAME BITS

MOTHERFUCKER WE DONT CARE ABOUT THEM DIAMONDS ON YOUR WRISTS

YOU STILL A BITCH

WE KNOW A NERD WHEN WE SEE ONE

RUNNIN’ LIP OVER THE INTERNET

YOU’RE CLAIMIN’ WHAT YOU’RE WORTH

BUT ONLY FLINCH WHEN CONSEQUENCES COME

NO NEED TO RUN FROM YOURSELF

CAUSE WE GON BRING THE NOISE

I BET BEHIND THAT FAKE PERSONA

HIDES A LITTLE BOY

JUST SPEND A DAY OFF IN THE VILLE

I’LL SHOW YOU WHATS IMPORTANT

YOU SHEEP AIN’T READY TO FACE THE DEVIL

GET YOUR THINGS IN ORDER

YOU WONT BE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR NECKLACE

WHEN YOUR LEAKIN FROM YA HEAD OFF IN THE ICU

I CANNOT SYMPATHIZE FOOL

I KNOW DEPRESSION AINT A GAME

BUT HALF THESE PUSSY ASS SUCKAS

JUST BE CRYIN FOR SOME FAME

WE NEED A NEW DIRECTION

TAKE YOUR SADNESS AND EMBRACE IT

MAKE A CHANGE AND OVERCOME

OR ELSE YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST DIG YOURSELF A GRAVE AND JOIN THE BUMS

NO ONES STOPPING FOR THE WEAK

YOU GOTTA PROBLEM

COME AND SOLVE IT

SHOW SOME ACTION TALK IS CHEAP

IM ALWAYS DOWN TO BUCK

DRUGS MONEY PUSSY POWER

SEE THATS ALL YOU WANT

ID RATHER SPEAK ABOUT REALITY

AND HOLD MY OWN

SOME PEOPLE JUST DONT FUCKIN GET IT

DO YOUR THANG AND RAMBLE ON

BUT ONCE YOU BUSTAS CROSS THE CLICK

THERE IS NO WAY TO STOP THE HUNT

IM OUT FOR BLOOD

I AM A FIEND

I TOSS AND TURN AT NIGHT

I CANT ESCAPE MY INNER EVIL

SATAN LIVES INSIDE

THE TRUTH WILL FLOAT ONTO SURFACE

OPEN UP YOUR EYES

THESE SOCIAL MEDIA PRETENDERS

DONT CONTROL YOU MANE

#soundcloud #devilish trio #talk is cheap #baker ya maker #hydra mane #tenngage

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teddypdf · 4 years

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finally listening to the phoebe bridgers album all the way through and 😌💔

#thank you for savior complex and halloween im gonna go cry till i thr*w *p #im on ICU i will update #mine #pheobe bridgers

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fabulouslygaybean · 4 years

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everything is falling apart :'''''))))

#just. god. everything is going horribly wrong and my mental health is spiralling yet again #im panicking about covid-19 again and just. ack.#logically i know the mortality rate is still on the low side but im terrified for my familys health #like. my dad visits me and my sister pretty often. he social distances outside of our visits and quarantines himself whenever hes worried.#my mental health is spiralling out of my control and my dad somehow manages to make everything fine for the time he visits #but i dont know what id do if he got infected and got sent to the ICU or even died. i wouldnt be able to cope.#same with my mom. if she got infected and it hurt her or killed her? i would never forgive myself #but both of my parents still have to work and i fear for their lives #i logically know that the mortality rate is somewhere from 1-5% but so many posts say how everyone will die from it and its terrifying #i already suffer from increasingly more severe paranoia paired with my tendency to overthink bc of adhd which plays into my anxiety #then the anxiety makes the paranoia worse and the loop keeps going and going till my brain just completely fries and i lock myself in my -#- room for a week straight because of now bad the paranoia and all that shit gets #this is horrible for my mental health but i cant do anything to stop it and i fucking hate it #vent #vent tw #tw vent

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crossedsky · 3 years

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I’m having feelings about fictional cats n I hate it

#; out of books & film #my next book won't be here till tomorrow #im ordering everything possible off amazon because we still have no ICU capacity

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missedlcve · 6 years

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early morning phone calls from hospitals is never a good thing

#she went unresponsive again #shes back in ICU #apparently she started fo kind of wake up once they got her up there???#my grandpa knocked on my door #and he was just like ‘hey katie?’#and my stomach just fucking hit the floor #not as bad as i thought the news was going to be #but now #ugh #maybe now we’ll learn to stop treating her like a drug addict aka treating her as Last priority #because its clealy not her meds!!!! like i said 50 times!!!!#anyway #im on my way to the hospital #hospital tillness tw #mobile.

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srainebuggie · 3 years

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My thoughts on Demi Lovato's new album...Dancing with The Devil...The Art of Starting Over (first listen/under the cut)

Favourite lyrics included with every song!

Anyone- no comment needed. I cry to this song daily and have since January 26th 2020. “Confided into alcohol...told secrets til’ my voice was sore.”

DWTD- we already know how much I love this song. My favorite "lead single" she's ever released and the music video just...fucking destroyed me. “It’s just a little white line, I’ll be fine. But soon that white line is a little glass pipe, tinfoil remedy almost got the best of me.”

ICU- is beautiful and the ending with the "i love you" had me crying. “Sometimes I see myself in the little things you do, but I’m not afraid that you’ll lose your way.”

AOSO- wow. i was dancing along with the first note, this genre was MADE for her voice. “New beginnings can be lonely, thank God I got me to hold me.”

Lonely People- same as above. And lyrically? Demi has truly come out of her shell. “Crying doesn’t make you charming, only thing I’m not is sorry.”

TWYDLAM- immediately brought me tears. As someone with an eating disorder...yeah, wow. It was intense, but her voice..holy shit. “But I'm so scared if I undress that you won't love me after.”

Melon Cake- another one that is so relatable for someone with an ED. Her diss track to her old team and the CHORUS! Holy fuck, I am so proud of her, honestly. “No more melon cakes on birthday, no more barricades in doorways.”

Met Him Last Night- okay, the ONLY duet I've wanted since 2013. And knowing its inspired by DWTD? Fucking kill me. These two vocalists, the harmonizing between Demi and Ariana...I am so gay. “I think I love him, though I know it ain’t right.”

What Other People Say- bitch I've had this on repeat since it first came out. Still a bop. “I never used to take chances with God’s name, but it’s been so long since I last prayed.”

Carefully- ITS A SONG TO A LOVER. I AM NOT OKAY. "If you think you can handle me, please handle me carefully" okay demi, I'm fine. Im FINE. “Babe, you could be just exactly what I need.”

TKOLIA- took me a minute to get into the beat but once I did!! Holy shit!! The lyrics and the beat together...seriously, she's seriously trying so many things on this record that she hasn't before. Also "idc if you've got a dick or a wap" ??? I. AM. DYING. “Might not believe in monogamy but the moment I fall that’s it for me. I get upset with no jealousy, that’s the kind of lover I am.”

Easy- dare I say my favorite on the album thus far. Lyrically, vocally, musically...all of it. This is everything I look for in a song and I will be listening to it on repeat forever. Also Noah and Demi's voices together? Give me this LIVE immediately. “The hardest part of leaving is accepting all the reasons

That somehow we keep repeating endlessly.”

15 Minutes- didn't love the beat at first again but the growl in her vocals???? Absolutely in love. I love to cry but when Demi does savage, she does it with no competition. This was a masterpiece. Will be listening to after every future breakup lol. “It should be an honor I even had time to bother.”

MGAMBF- can see why this is Matthew's favorite!! This is such a beautiful love song to her best friends. And again, vocals, lyrics, all of it, Demi did not come to play. "My girlfriends are my boyfriend but we're never gonna break up" got me thinking abt Demi, Sirah, and Matthew in the end of ILM music video. I'm emotional. “I don’t have to impress, don’t even need to wear less.”

California Sober- ugh, fucking crying. Might love it more than Easy. Her vocals got those emotions that make me shiver. Talking about her sobriety is just too much. She's not locking herself in this box of sobriety anymore and it's got me feeling all types of ways. “Trading judgment for freedom. Found somethin' new to believe in.”

Mad World- a cover of Mad World. But Demi's vocals and the emotional connection she has to the song? Yeah, I fuck w/ that. “And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.”

Butterfly- fuck this one is about her dad. I broke down during the part about him in her docu. I'm not okay. She's been through so much because of their relationship, and I'm just not okay. I'm so proud of her growth and the acceptance she's come to. I'm just not okay, okay? “Forgiveness is the hardest truth, it’s something you have to choose.”

Good Place- what a PERFECT ending to this record. The contrast from "Anyone" and "DWTD"...wow, can I just say how proud I am of this woman? She's overcome so much. Lyrically my favorite song on the album. What a RIDE it was. Wow. “When I chose lust over love, danger over trust, till I found us.”

#demi lovato #demi lovato dancing with the devil #demi lovato dancing with the devil the art of starting over #dwtd #dancing with the devil the art of starting over #first listen #all my thoughts #i cried #many times #tw eating disorder #tw drug mention #eating disorder cw #drug mention cw #dwtdtaoso

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thusspakejasminefofazmine · 3 years

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Hey, Something has been wrong with my heart.

Maybe POTS? IDk, I was in the ER a week ago wrapped up like a sand person double N5 masked with cloth over it and a face sheild and swim goggles and more goggles on top with hair covered because

Partial vaccinated because my friend got if and was dead in hours of an anuerism and I have an anxiety/mental health dissorder. 😭😖

Im so ashamed! Please God forgive me🙏🏻

I deeply regret not getting it sooner. I understood the science and saw the math playing out. I’d been entirely isolated, never going out/having everything delivered and wiping down everything with med grade sterilizing wipes while taking care of my 2 year old alone even fully isolated from my wonderful husband who works at a busy dallas airport,

passing him food through a cracked window while masked. This has been going on over a year!

Finaly my reasoning overwhelms my sense of fear and I make an apt for vaccine.

Then, Two night befor vaccine apt something happens I cant explain. Waking up with uncontralable shivers all over. Idk what is happining? I dont have blood sugar problems but think maybe low? Drink juice feet in hot water. No fever. It goes away.

Next day it happens again. Wtf is going on. Gettjng worried.

Take a covid home test to be certain- negative. I havnt had exposure. But I’m paranoid.

It happens again- I wrap up with masks and everything I can and call an ambulance when my resting pulse is over 140 and I’m dizzy with pains

Mckinney Ambulance driver: you know Covid isnt real right? Me 😲. They say: your stable going is optional and you’ll wait!

I stay home.

Wednesday comes I get my shot 🙏🏻 and the asshole pharmacist at the walgreens at 1651 w university drive mckinney tx wouldnt put on a mask even after I asked. Its store policy! He never wears a mask and keeps his job and nobody says anything while he’s handling medications.

Whatever is happening to me is coming and going all the time now. Idk what it is. Its happening while I sleep. Pulse is crazy during during the day 160 pounding just walking between rooms

Now I cant take care of my toddler. Husband has to help me go to bathroom. He cant work.

Having chest pains! I put on all the masks and crap and grab my sanitizer and go to the ER they send me home with chest pains and said see a catdiologist asap. Ekg clear. While I’m there the Nurses and doctors Refuse to keep appropriate distance. Leave my room door open while pwople are outside sick I hooe 2 N95 and cloth on top will be enough

😓😭 wtf. They say if chest pains come back we’ll see you again.

Next day ER is at full capacity. feel like I’m dying racing heart chest pain. Another Self covid test is negative. I wrap up again and go to a care now people everywhere no masks looking at me like I’m crazy all wrapped up trying to keep safe. Ekg clear. Idk what to do. They give me antibiotics for maybe a uti?

Its friday Cardiologist cant se me till monday afternoon - every day and night i think i’m going to die. Pulse is insane. I sit and try to keep pulse down for the weekend. Its bad I’m vonstantly inches from ER

Monday finaly comes, I wrap up again like a person who wants to, you know not get covid! Cardiologist says clear ekg, whatever take a betablocker to help your anxiety. Me: this isnt anxiety! Doc 🙄 SUUUURE , look at how your wrapped up! Its just anxiety! HEART DOC IS NOT WEARING A MASK. People in waiting not required to mask.

At this poknt in tx All ICU’s and ER’s and childrens hospitals for 90 miles in any direction are overwhelmed. Clearly I’m in a twighlight zone episode.

I go home feeling hopeless. Still feel like I’m dying. I want to consult another doc befor taking this medicine they wont explain or talk to me about. Another horrible night. I talk to another doc- via telemed. Thank god no suiting up.

She says meds sounds appropriate even if no mask jerk doc wouldnt explain it to me.

I take it.

It gives some almost immediate releif to chest pain racing heart while I’m resting But its short lived. My condition is deteriorating. No appetite, nausea, diarrhea, still no positive covid.

I want answers. What the hell is happening to my heart?

I’m calling the cardiologist every day. They throw me a 24hour holter moniter to get me off their backs. But they Dont explain how I’m supposed to use it. I do it wrong! Oops our bad. 24 hours wasted. Lets do an echocardiagram that we should have done first -but we only do them on friday.😭

But lets up the frequency of the drugs. Me: ok I’m pretty sure its the only thing keeping me alive!

1 every 8 hours.

I can still barely function. I’m still afraid I’m going to die. I call my sister, I call my childhood best friend. We cry! Childhood friend says I love you I’ll leave tomorow be there in a day but I’m not vaccinated. 😭 sister says i’m vaccinated and I love you but I cant! Because its to dangerous there for my babies!

I understand.

Husband says I have to go back to work. I dont have a choice! We cant lose our car.

I need somone to sign fmla. I have no pcp.

We can get 2nd vaccines next week. 2 1/2 weeks to late.

They want me to stop taking the meds that are keeping me out of the ER to do a test to look at my heart valves.

Im so affraid.

IF YOU ARE NOT VACCINATED PLEASE GO GET VACCINATED NOW!!!

You are not safe no mater how isolated you are! Protect yourself and the community!

BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!

I love my family and my life. I’m scared.

All day I hear the ambulances up and down the street.

This morning they took a family member.

Humans out there

I’m so scared for our lives. Get vaccinated! And vaccinated or not, be a good human being and please Wear masks! Wash your hands! Use Sterile method! Its not to much! Do everything you can to fight this

Do everything you can to preserve life

DO IT BEFORE ITS TO LATE 🙏🏻💉🕊✌🏻

#texas covid cases #covid19 #anxiety #heart problems #mental health #get vaccinated #get vaxxed

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askfoxythejokerfox · 9 months

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ok guys im going to have to call it a night earlier today *sighs* also i have to do rps now on Tuesday as my grandmother just had to be rushed into the ICU right now due to her infection so see you all in the afternoon after the FINAL 6 episodes of Transformers Animated (2007) till then love you all so much and please stay safe out there guys

#uploads #night everyone

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goldenavenger02 · 2 years

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OOOO YES

Cole is like asleep in a chair in Lloyd's ICU room, like right next to his bed with his hand on the bed.

And then Lloyd wakes up (well partly), he's super confused and super tired, but then he spots Cole, and given that he was intubated and can't speak, just drags his arm to touch Cole's.

Also obviously Cole calls Kai's phone to alert the others.

And upon hearing the news, Kai just drops his phone mid call in the tea shop (they got sturdy phones so it didn't break), right in front of everyone. Then starts bouncing around like a kid crying in joy, screaming that the kid woke up (Kai's currently the happiest big brother in the world).

That's the good stuff right there 👍

They all immediately rush to the hospital (except Nya who got held up with saving people, but she got the text and is heading there as soon as possible)

When they get there, he's asleep again, but that doesn't even kill their excitement that he's gonna be okay.

They all are (im)patiently waiting for him to wake up again, and he doesn't wake up till Nya gets there, but as soon as he does, he's surrounded by sibling cuddles.

He's still going to have to be there for awhile to recover, but now that he's awake, he's doing a lot better

#bracedfangirl #ninjago #post possession au

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jennjen · 3 years

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The very first person i've inspired about,

Shocked.

Orang yang ku anggap kuat, orang yang selalu menginspirasi ku untuk menjadi dokter sejak pertama, dan orang yang selalu ku lihat sangat berdedikasi, dikabarkan dalam kondisi buruk.

Beliau adalah saudara ku, saudara sepupu tertua yang umurnya hampir menyamai papa ku sendiri. Beberapa minggu lalu, beliau merawat ibunya yang terkena Covid, naas akhirnya beliau pun terkena jua.

Sekali jatuh tertimpa tangga, bukan cuma Covid yang menyerang tubuhnya namun penyakit komorbid lain yang awalnya sudah beliau sangat jaga kestabilannya, akhirnya mau tak mau harus kambuh akibat banyaknya pengobatan Covid yang harus ditenggak.

Penyakit komorbid ini cukup serius, dan bahkan aku pun masih sangat ingat saat mendapatkan kuliah tentang penyakit ini, dosenku hanya berkata, "Jika sudah sampai cuci darah, mau tidak mau akan selalu bergantung dan harapan hidupnya kecil."

Iya, ini penyakit Gagal Ginjal Kronis atau Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD). Jujur saja, aku memang tidak memerhatikan kondisi perkembangan beliau dari hari ke hari saat dirawat di ICU RS Kariadi, Semarang. Mau seperti apapun, beliau dari foto masih terlihat compos mentis walaupun lemah. Kupikir penyakitnya tidak akan berlarut-larut dan setidaknya ginjalnya masih bisa stabil. Tapi aku salah.

Selepas shalat Maghrib tadi, papa chat WA kepadaku. Menitipkan pesan agar aku membacakan surat Ar-Ra'du selepas shalat. Aku mengiyakan lalu bertanya bagaimana keadaan sepupu kami tertua itu. Jawaban yang kudapatkan membuatku terperangah sejenak dan selanjutnya aku diselimuti kesedihan.

Papa bilang, :"Keadaan Mas Im semakin memburuk kak. Tadi lewat Mia, Mas Im menitipkan kalau kakak dan adik sudah lulus dokter, lanjutkan klinik ya kak"

Jujur, ini aku shocked. Bngt.

Pertama, jelas rasanya ini pesan yang menunjukkan beliau akan 'pergi' dan tidak ada yang mengharapkan itu sama sekali. Bagiku, aku sangat ingin sekali beliau melihat aku lulus dokter. Beliau yang pertama kali mengenalkan aku dengan dunia kedokteran dan beliau juga yang pertama kali menginspirasi ku untuk menjadi dokter. Then, here me now. And i hope he still here, at least till i graduate. Selain kedua orang tua, saat kelulusan dokter aku sangat ingin memperlihatkannya pada beliau. Aku sangat sangat merasa butuh banyak bimbingan untuk mengelola klinik ataupun saat memasuki profesi di RS nanti. Iya, dan aku sangat sangat ingin beliau melihatku berkembang nanti.

Untuk teman-teman yang mungkin membaca ini, tolong doanya untuk kesembuhan sepupu Jannet yaaa. Semoga nikmat kesehatan selalu melingkupi kita semua ❤️

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stateofirrelevancy · 4 years

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CALM First Listen Impressions

I’ve been doing these since SGFG and imma keep doing it till the day i die!!

Red Desert - OOF harmonies okay I see you !! Intro is hella soulful don’t tell me I’m about to cry ALREADY guys… okay that bass in the bg is thicccc and I’m living for it OOF AND THEN THE CHORUS HITS AND THOSE DRUMS BITCH THIS SONG IS SO GOOD ON JUST THE FIRST LISTEN Y’ALL AHHHHH and then that TRANSITION from chorus to second verse my mans ashton did not disappoint !! Guys I’m really feeling this song holy shit it’s so good. Bitch this RED in the bridge is rly TEASING ME like bitch KEEP GOING!!!!!!!!!! Low key this song sounds like it’s 90% saying “red desert” over and over but I’m not complaining issa bop and a half !!! AHHH THAT ENDING AND THEY REALLY WENT TO A LOWER NOTE THAT WAS SO GOOD if that ain’t my fave song on the album i’ll be hella shook. Rating: 10/10 obviously

No Shame - I’ve liked this song since the very first time I heard it it’s actually such a bop. I can’t wait to drive around with this song blasting in my car. I LOVE when Luke says “Go on and plaAaAaAce me” it’s so pretty!!! Rating: 9/10 I just wish the bridge had something different I’m not a big fan of sos ALWAYS doing slowed down choruses for bridges and once you notice it it’s hard to stop lol

Old Me - I wasn’t a huge fan of this song the first time I heard it and genuinely didn’t think it’d grow on me AT ALL, but even after the second listen I really liked it, and I’ve really come to appreciate, like, the fan service message behind it? And that music video just made me love it more. The thing I didn’t like initially and still am not a huge fan of is how autotune-y the song sounds. I know everyone uses autotune, but imo it’s way too noticeable in the song to the point where it sounds a little unpleasant once you catch it. Rating: 8/10

Easier - Okay to be honest, I hate this song LMAO like one time I was crying in the shower while I was listening to my music on shuffle and this song came on and I literally stopped crying to change the song and then went back to crying daskjfkaljl Honestly the verses are really catchy and I like the prechorus but god I DETEST the chorus so fucking much it’s so fucking annoying and that’s low key like most of the song,,, I don’t even wanna finish the song but imma force myself to lmaooooo Rating: 3/10

Teeth - I love the bass at the beginning I’m such a slut for thicccc basses. I also like how crisp? Luke’s voice sound initially idk if that’s like a weird thing to say lol. I also hate the chorus here but not as much as Easier and the other parts of the song def make up for it. Rating: 6.5/10

Wildflower - This song was also like Old Me to me where I didn’t really love it at first but really liked it the second time. It’s definitely not gonna be a favorite of the album or a song I’m probs gonna remember forever but I bet it’s gonna be a BOP at concerts which is always appreciated. PLUS I love that Calum is singing he has a very unique voice I think. Also side note I justopened the livestream and it’s a hot mess lmaooo Ash rly fucking fucked up and needed to move it onto Cal lmaoo here I thought I was in sync with everyone smh. Rating: 7.5/10 with room to grow with more listens i’m assuming

Best Years - Anyways moving on from the livestream mess from these kids who don’t know technology,,, oof first impressions: sounds like same vibes as ghost of you?? I love the line “I’ll build a house out of the mess” or whatever. The part where he sings “best yeeaaarrs” is uhhh kinda weird? I thought that when Luke sang this on live but I thought it might sound better on the track but lmao nah I still think it sounds awkward tbh. But the verses are cute. Oof that instrumental was so long I legit stopped paying attention dafkdasjlk OOF OOF OOF THAT PART WHEN THE INSTRUMENTS KICKED IN okay I live for that. Song is kinda short so it gives me vibes of Lie To Me + Ghost Of You in terms of vibe (not lyrics). Rating: 6/10

Side note: I open the stream and they’re?? Just talking abt the album???? What happened to group listen lmaoo okay I guess gotta do everything in isolation around here smh

Not in the Same Way - woah okay start right away I guess !! “You say go I won’t leave” oof I don’t like that lyric cause a bitch has dealt with it and it’s terrible!! Omg when they said “NOT IN THE SAME WAY” in unison I legit live for the boys singing in unison okay OMG WE FUCK WE FIGHT AFDKAKLDJKL he really just gets more blatant every album w these swears huh fdskjkl OOF THAT DRUM BUILD UP SOUNDED SO GOOD Okay this is def a song to bop to live I can’t wait !! “I’m sick of sadness you’re sick of sadness” oof these lyrics bitch…. okay this song is kinda repetitive which is making me kinda tired BUT it’s not the worst thing and I like the parts that they’re repeating i guess LOL oh WOAH that “eh eh ehh” part is kinda interesting OMG IS THAT AN ORIGINAL BRIDGE/THIRD VERSE? From *MY* 5sos?????????? OKAY I SEE YOU,,, Okay the repetitiveness is kinda rly annoying now but it’s okay I still enjoy the song for now but can see myself maybe not listening to this song much later bc of it (Rating: 7/10)

Lover of Mine - Okay acoustic song of the album icu icu “Butterfly lies chase them away” interesting I like that “dance around the living room” 👀 oof this pre-chorus is really good I’m such a slut for good prechoruses !! Luke’s voice sounds so soothing and smooth but the drums in the background in the second half are a little? Much? I don’t know maybe they’ll grow on me… I really like the lyrics of this song, I didn’t focus completely on everything but,, dare I say,,,, it might be some of their strongest writing yet??!? Omg I love love love these instrumentals near the end esp the piano sounds so beautiful and kind of reminded me of the interlude after San Francisco. Overall I think this song was honestly very beautiful. Rating: 8/10

Thin White Lies - more bass yessss it sounds so good,, are these lyrics about depression? Ehhh not feeling this chorus at all, too much going on and it’s just not a bop and that’s my only criteria for liking songs lmaoo. This song is giving me Empty Wallets + Babylon vibes kind of? Which isn’t rly my favorite vibe in songs tbh it’s just not for me, I don’t think it’s a bad song, though. “I don’t really like me anymore” :((((( mood Rating: 6/10

Lonely Heart - That one two three was so hot ngl,,, ANOTHER acoustic song?? Okay okay interesting. WOAH WHEN THEY CAME IN together god I love that and this OH OH OH part sooo catchy yesss okay also smth I’ve noticed 5sos doing a lot: quiet beginning (or quiet verses) and loud/bop-y choruses… that’s like half the album look me in the eyes and tell me I’m wrong !! It’s the equivalent of YB being mostly normal guitar verses and then instrumental pre-choruses lmao at least this I like a lot more WOAH THAT BRIDGE???????? WHO IS SINGING THAT IS THAT MICHAEL? I literally don’t recognize whose voice that is has it been that long since I heard his voice am I tripping?? But either way that was really cool. The song overall was pretty? Plain but not at all bad and it’ll definitely grow on me with more listens. Rating: 7/10

High - last song im so sad ahhh oof that sound it sounded like Michael? And it was umm very ear orgasmic lmao weird to put two songs that start like that one after the other tho but whatever. Woah the way Luke sang “highly” was so angelic !!! This is very acoustic-y too, but it seems like it’s truly mostly the same vibe throughout. Oof Calum’s harmonies sound so good. I also like the background “Ah”s this song sounds very angelic and pretty. I really like the way he sings the lyrics like “I hope you think of me high… think of me highly” and the part after that kind of mirrors that line. Not a huge fan of the lyric saying your friends just want you to yourself oof friends don’t like imma be honest that line was kinda cringy lmaoo But this song was very pretty, though honestly I doubt I’ll listen to it much or remember it just cause slow songs aren’t my cup of tea, but I can really appreciate the song for what it is and it was enjoyable to listen to. Rating: 8/10

Unrelated: I like that the album isn’t crazy long like every other album of theirs. I much prefer concentrating on 12 great songs than making 16-20 and then inevitably them hating/ignoring a few of them cause they’re like,, way worse than the rest of the album

Average rating: Okay technically 7.1/10 BUT if you take out Easier, then it’s a solid 7.5/10

I liked a lot of the songs and I’m sure I’ll like them even more with more listens, but the only ones I really LOVED were Red Desert and No Shame. It’s honestly a fantastic album, I just don’t think it fits my personal vibe. I’m very proud of the boys!! I really think it’s some of their best work. (Besides Easier,,, she can choke 💀💀)

#also idk music terms so if any were wrong pls dont come for me lol #forgot to mention this but i like the album a lot better than yb #i'd rate them sgfg > calm > yb > self titled #calm #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos thoughts

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myheartbeatskids · 5 years

Text

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

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