Let’s Talk

If you wanna skip the messiness and go to solutions, skip to the last four paragraphs and the resource list. 

I know I’m one (probably loud, probably annoying) voice in a sea of many, but my spirit won’t let me rest until there is some kind of rectification. This is going to be it. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know this isn’t normal for me (and I don’t plan to do it in the future so don’t get used to it). I stick to my own corner of the internet and mind my business, but for now, we’re going to break the fandom wall a bit and talk about harm. As always in these discussions, I choose to practice reflexivity. I am a 27-year-old Black, pansexual, cisgender woman. I’ve been writing fanfiction for about 14 years. Because it’s relevant to this essay, my Master’s is in counseling with a specialty in BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ issues. My ongoing dissertation for my doctorate is on the intersections of race, sexuality, trauma, and cluster b personality disorders. I train new counselors on how to develop cultural humility and practice therapy with multicultural competency. If you’re new to the concept of reflexivity, know that these factors do not serve to claim that I am above reproach but instead serve as a clear understanding of my specific voice and lens. I’m trying to put aside my hurt feelings (and the urge to really dig in my heels and be nasty because the west end of Louisville wants to jump out, don’t let the job title fool you I still knuck and buck) and instead lead with empathy. I do not promise to be good at that, but I’m choosing to try to choose to “call in” rather than “call out.” At the end of this essay, I will also include a series of educational resources to aid in this discussion and provide further education.

I’m aware that Cor is gone, but as her impacts are still being felt, I intend to include her in this conversation. I will not be including screenshots because that feels disrespectful to me, but I will include relevant statements in quotation marks. For those of you who don’t know, Cor and I were paired together for the Buddie Big Bang. We worked collaboratively for several months and, on June 22nd, talked about selecting our posting date. On the 23rd, Cor contacted me in discord to inform me she was dropping from the big bang because she felt the “underlying themes” of my work were racist and that she could not in good conscience continue to work with me. I requested elaboration, but she did not respond. The way she phrased things, she made it seem like she had shared my work with “the BIPOC around me” as well as the mods of her server without my knowledge. Later, when pressed about this, she admitted that she had discussed my work with another individual without my knowledge or consent, which lent legitimacy to my concerns. Because of this, I chose to leave her server, not knowing that when you don’t share a discord server, you can’t talk to someone (I’m a Twitter girl like all the other therapists). Because of this, I tried to re-enter the server with the intention of leaving after I and the mods spoke. Seeing my request, Cor finally reached back out, apologized for “the way I phrased things,” and gave a surface-level explanation of the tropes of the white savior and spicy Latina, claiming that my fic fit into these tropes because Buck and Adriana are in opposition to one another. Personally, I encourage you to read it for yourself and draw your own conclusions but suffice to say, I did not agree. She informed me that she was attempting to protect me from “being torn down” like other authors she had observed during the blowback of the situation™ on her server. (Genuinely, I had no idea what she was talking about (I just caught up). I work 10-hour days, so I miss a lot. [Also now that I think about it, Cor trying to save me and be more “educated” than me literally places her in a white savior position. The jokes…well you know what they do.)

Again, I’m not beyond reproach. Because I always want to be reflexive, I shared my draft with my writing community, which consists of about 25 Black and Brown writers. They were confused about the claim. I was confused about the claim. We were all confused. I again attempted to engage Cor on this, but she was immovable. At this point, I wanted to discourse with someone other than her, so I contacted the 118 discord Tumblr account. It was still Cor. She made it appear that she had made the move to bar me from re-entry to the server (just to talk to her) not in isolation, but in collaboration with others (who? I didn’t know and no one else would answer me.) The conversation continued to be unproductive. She continued to emphasize the “immense amount of education [on race and racism in fic] that I have received over the last 10 days.” I will disclose that this is the point where I really started to get really pissed. There is something very activating about a white woman who’s been educated for 10 days trying to “educate” me on racist tropes while not being open to a perspective other than her own. In response to this, I chose to drop out of the big bang and upload the fic I wrote with a note calling attention to the claims (at this point, I hadn’t known who she had or hadn’t talked to and I was preparing myself for backlash.) If I had made a mistake, I wanted to face it head-on and open myself up to correction. I never want to cause harm with my writing and if I have, call me all the way out. We’ll discuss. We’ll confer. Changes will be made. The feedback I received was a resounding “WTF is she talking about,” which again pissed me off. When I again approached Cor with this, she gave (what felt to me like) a half-assed apology. We did not speak again, and there was never an attempt to rectify the situation despite the harm caused and I realized that had I not reached out to her, she would never have apologized. I was very upset about the experience, and when I noticed that Squid commented on it without ever speaking to me at all, I felt a type of way. I’ve tried to put to words this feeling, and I’ve decided that it felt like I was being left out of my own narrative. You could acknowledge that harm was done when speaking about me to others but couldn’t part your lips to speak to me about it until I tugged on your wig. It also again gave the impression that Cor’s decision had not been made in isolation. Language matters. Phrases like “our server,” and “we made the choice,” and “we weren’t comfortable with what might come from it” make this seem not like an individual action but the actions of a collective. 

We’ve now gone from pissed to volcanic. I’ve kicked and screamed and cried and felt like shit and it all feels like it was for nothing. 

But we move on. 

Why do I still care so much, you may be asking. At the end of the day, this is conversation that is less about race and more about communication. Direct communication to be specific. When Cor came to the mods and made her claim, an easy way to rectify this situation quickly would have been to simply reach out and ask questions. “Can we read your draft?” “We have some concerns and we want to make our decision fairly.” I would have readily agreed and hurt could have been avoided. After everything came out, there still was no communication. There’s a saying: silence is complicity. Silence implies agreement (no matter how passive) with an action taken. Staying silent also puts the onus to correct the situation on the person who was harmed rather than the person (or people) who caused harm. It’s an inequitable shifting of power. This could have been resolved simply by someone be it Cor, be it a mod, anyone even passively involved choosing to reach out and say, “hey, we fucked up. We made a mistake and while we don’t want to let you back into the server, we acknowledge that it wasn’t right. We’re sorry.” It’s simple. This action requires a degree of humility and awareness. The fact that people had to be badgered into apologizing directly to me is, for lack of a better words, fucked up. It says to me that you’re not really sorry. You’re just saying what you have to in hopes that I’ll stop talking about this.

In the future, know that direct communication almost always leads to better outcomes. It’s what I teach my students, my interns, and my clients. Direct communication is a sign of respect. This all could have been avoided with an acknowledgement of harm and communication. We didn’t have to fight like this. I’m so frustrated that I had to get out of my character to get someone to say “sorry.” Maybe it’s a cultural difference but when I wrong someone, I go to that person, I don’t make excuses, I acknowledge what I did and I attempt to repair. 

And since people want to talk about the racial implications of things, I think there is a conversation to be had about a group of white or white appearing women who know they did something wrong choosing to stay quiet and refusing to acknowledge that they wronged a Black woman, especially after I called attention to the fact that I was hurt. And when I do complain and make noise, I’m “wearing you out.” I think that’s very interesting and if you all want to talk about “underlying racist themes,” I would unpack that statement. Ask yourself where that’s coming from. Some of you are wielding these terms with very specific definitions, implications, and connotations, like a child wielding a gun and then acting surprised when someone is shot unintentionally. 

Imma leave that alone though. Here’s so resources. Disclaimers: I am Black. Most of my resources are catered towards Black authors and Black thought. It pays to speak to diverse voices and discover your own diverse resources. Don’t burden people but seek out people who are interested in educating. They exist. Also, always check your local libraries and locally owned bookstores before renting or buying books from Amazon! Links are just provided, so you know what you’re looking for.

Why "Allies" Need to Learn to Knock

How NOT to be an Ally (BMB #14) Start at 14 min

White Tears/Brown Scars: How White Feminism Betrays Women of Color

killing rage: Ending Racism

I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness

All the White Friends I Couldn't Keep: Hope--and Hard Pills to Swallow--About Fighting for Black Lives

Tagging: @chromatophorica, @sadieyuki @aros_sage

some practice on clip studio paint

'Desert hermit Ben Kenobi develops a reputation as a crazy wizard because he keeps talking to thin air.'

No. This is Tatooine, talking to yourself is hardly the weirdest thing they've seen. Ben Kenobi, however, keeps having full on fucking screaming rows with thin air and seemingly gets replies back, which is decidedly a step up.

(They've managed to piece together that a major point of contention is the acquisition and raising of a child? Clearly Ben is a wizard that had a bitter divorce with a desert spirit and is working through a custody dispute)

i think they should sit together and drink tea . maybe the grief of not saying goodbye to your most important person before they died will ebb away a little bit

'abstract (psychopomp)' by hozier but you've pulled over on a highway while a thunderstorm is about to roll over and you're watching the cars rush past, remembering what it means to be alive

the topic is Trapper and the army as foils, you have three hours, go

In no small part the satire of Mash, particularly in the first half of the show, is tied up with gender performance.

The army represents traditional, stifling and violent masculinity. This is shown through everything from freudian jokes about guns (eg Frank and Margaret's flirtations in The Sniper or The Gun), to Margaret trying to cajole Hawkeye into performing a more traditional standard of masculinity while treating him like a soldier in Comrades in Arms Part 2, to many jokes and comments about (usually) Hawkeye not being a real man in contrast to army standards and various specific army personnel (eg Lyle in Springtime, Flagg in White Gold), to Frank and Margaret's worship of the masculinity of the army ("He's twice the man you'll ever be," re: Flagg and Hawkeye, Margaret's lust for MacArthur, Frank pursuing the sniper in The Sniper in an attempt to be a "real man" in Margaret's eyes, etc) to many jokes positioning the military as a sexually aggressive man pursuing Hawkeye ("Sure, the sun the moon the stars, your high school letterman jacket. Same deal I promised nurse Baker." "A receipt please, and promise you'll go out with other doctors," etc.)

In contrast, the main characters all fail to perform traditional gender in some way, from crossdressing to immaturity to indecisiveness to peacefulness to Margaret's masculinity and Frank's pathetic failure to live up to his own masculine ideals, to just about everything about Hawkeye. His cowardliness, his jokes about not being a real man, his jokes about taking the feminine role in sexual encounters with men and women, even multiple double entendres about his average at best penis size.

Trapper is the most traditionally masculine of the main cast. He still subverts masculinity in some subtle ways here and there, such as the occasional feminizing joke and mentions of not being in great shape, but overall he's the more butch counterpart to Hawkeye's fem. He plays the role of boxer while Hawkeye plays the role of diva in their respective manager/star roleplaying episodes. He's broader and buffer and plays football, often seen playing catch with someone while walking around the compound, while Hawkeye disdains sports and doesn't participate. He reads Field and Stream which Hawkeye derides in Alcoholics Unanimous while making a wry comment about shaving his armpits. A past lover nicknamed him Big John.

And there are many, many jokes about Hawkeye and Trapper being sexual partners. The recurring Uncle Trapper and Aunt Hawkeye gag, if my father sees this you'll have to marry me, for me? only if you put those on, your father and I will tell you what we did to have you, that's when I fell in love with him, etc etc etc. It's constant. In these jokes Hawkeye usually takes the feminine role, though not strictly every time ("Me and the missus," is one exception in As You Were, the dance in Yankee Doodle Doctor is another).

Trapper's masculinity is differentiated from traditional military masculinity in a few ways. Most obviously, Trapper abhors the military's violence. He never uses guns and mocks Frank's obsession with them, he's a healer rather than a soldier, and he's disgusted by the results of military violence on the men on his operating table.

He's also secure in himself. The military's brand of masculinity is strongly characterized by insecurity and overcompensation. Frank is the main representative of this military insecurity - a coward who insists he's brave (The Army Navy Game), a man who clings to a phallic gun to compensate for his sexual and gendered inadequacies (a main theme of The Sniper, perfectly mirrored when the army itself comes in with a vastly disproprotionately powerful automatic machine gun on a helicopter to shoot down one sixteen year old), a homophobe repressing his own attraction to men (As You Were, the original script of George), etc. We also see this in Flagg, who implicitly sublimates sexual urges into violence (seen when he suggestively caresses his gun while describing how he wants to torture a boy in Officer of the Day).

Trapper doesn't need to overcompensate. He's well-endowed physically, he's portrayed as a competent and considerate lover, he's a brave man who doesn't mind being seen as a coward, and he may or may not be attracted to men but either way he's not a homophobe (George) and he doesn't express his sexuality through violence. When Margaret proves herself stronger than him, his response is to be impressed rather than offended (Bombed). When he dances with Hawkeye for a gag, he doesn't mind letting Hawkeye lead.

He's also differentiated in terms of tradition, with the mliitary representing a more propagandic 50s traditionalism, and Trapper representing a 70s, countercultural freedom from tradition. We see this in the way Trapper has plenty of sex despite being married, while adultery is a court-martial offense in the military. It's notable that he's open and carefree about it, while Frank and Margaret are surreptitious and hypocritical in their affair. This lack of traditionalism is also shown in his disrespect for authority, often in direct contrast to Frank and Margaret's worship of it, and his allyship to George who the military would persecute for his sexuality.

So ultimately we can see that while Trapper and the military are both examples of masculine performance, Trapper's masculinity differs from the military's in being more flexible, less violent, less traditional, and more secure. The military's masculinity is far more toxic than Trapper's, particularly in the context of 70s counterculture media, which aligns womanizing with sexual liberation rather than a lack of respect for women, accurately or not.

This contributes to their respective dynamics with Hawkeye.

Hawkeye, we've established, is usually more feminine, and there are a myriad of jokes characterizing Trapper as his sexual partner, as well as the military as a sexual pursuer.

The jokes Hawkeye and Trapper make about their relationship tend towards cozy domesticity. They're Radar's "aunt and uncle," they directly roleplay marriage ("Martha, we're going to have to move, the people upstairs are impossible,") and less directly behave as though married (the bickering in Alcoholics Unanimous, the discussion about naming their pony in Life With Father). Occasionally they're treated as a healthy couple in contrast to Frank and Margaret's toxicity ("While I'm gone, promise you'll go out with other doctors," vs "Touch anyone else and I'll cut off your hands" in Aid Station).

In some instances the jokes lean towards predatory - "If you're trying to get me drunk, it'll work," or "Who is this man in bed with me?" "I followed you home from the movies," but they're always playful, always fond. If Hawkeye takes on a submissive or victimized role in these jokes, it's one he has fun with and discards just as easily in the context of the rest of his relationship with Trapper.

So, it's important to note that Hawkeye and Trapper support each other and look after each other in an equal, enthusiastic friendship. From Trapper ensuring Hawkeye gets to sleep in Doctor Pierce and Mr. Hyde, to Hawkeye supporting Trapper when he wants to adopt a child, to Trapper right at Hawkeye's side as they attempt to procure an incubator, they are there for each other every step of the way. If their relationship is a marriage in some ways, it's a healthy, strong, and non-traditional marriage, an equal and open partnership free of jealousy and insecurities.

Compare that to the military's relationship with Hawkeye. In jokes it's characterized as powerful and predatory, far from an equal partnership. Sometimes it approaches positive - in Carry on Hawkeye, much of the humour is derived from Hawkeye and Margaret's gendered role reversal as she assumes military command of the unit. Hawkeye playfully calls her sir, seductively lies on her desk like a secretary in a porn film, and most notably treats an immunization shot as sexual penetration in a prolonged gag about sexual role reversal. Hawkeye has fun playing a sexually submissive role to a representative of military authority in this episode, but it is a submissive role.

Several of the one-off jokes have a similar sensibility, such as the double entendre of "My bellybutton's been puckering and unpuckering all day," in response to a representative of MacArthur assuming their excitement over the general's arrival to the unit, or Hawkeye's "Okay, take me, I'm yours," to Colonel Flagg. They demonstrate a willingness to play the receptive role on Hawkeye's part, but they also, pointedly, disturb the object of the jokes.

When Hawkeye makes these jokes that sexualize military authority, he's attempting to be provocative as well as defiantly drawing disruptive attention to his own powerlessness as a drafted surgeon. The power dynamic between Hawkeye and the authority of the military only goes one way, and Hawkeye gets a kick out of pointing it out in ways that perturb the representatives of that authority, but it's a power dynamic that takes its toll on him.

Many of Mash's plotlines revolve around Hawkeye rebelling and attempting to seize some scrap of agency back from the military. Adam's Ribs, for example, in which he starts a mild riot over the food he's being fed and spends the episode attempting to procure barbecue ribs from Chicago (which Trapper procures for him), or Back Pay where he tries to charge the military for his forced labour. A particularly notable example is Some 38th Parallels, in which Hawkeye complains about being paid the equivalent of a nickel per operation, and his frustration manifests in impotency until he can perform a gesture of rebellion against the military.

One unfortunate consistency of these episodes is that the army ultimately retains its power. When Hawkeye achieves his goals, it's only in small ways that do little more than satisfy his own need to assert his sense of self. Often, Hawkeye doesn't achieve his goal at all, but is thwarted by the army, such as in For Want of a Boot. In every instance he remains powerless in comparison to the authority of the military.

So the context in which Hawkeye makes these sexualized jokes about the military literally fucking him is one of abject helplessness. In a sense, all he's capable of is pointing out what the military is doing and putting it in his own, audacious terms. He's not capable of preventing it. His jokes usually have an edge of bitterness to them in delivery, and when they don't, that tone is imparted anyway by the greater context.

With Trapper, Hawkeye can play-act a marriage or an assault, but in either case he's an enthusiastically consenting, equal partner. Trapper's performance of masculinity allows for Hawkeye to take any role from victim to wife to husband, and enables Trapper to respond in kind from a position of equality and respect. The military, in its insecure, domineering performance of masculinity, is a dictatorial authority, never allowing Hawkeye perform any role but a feminized, victimized one, and only ever giving him the choice of whether to perform with a wry smile or a sneer.

In short, Trapper is the cool, considerate service top to the military's insecure domineering boyfriend.

I'm tagging everyone who enabled this lol, share the blame. @beansterpie @majorbaby @professormcguire @rescue-ram

The Mane 6 all going after their go to creative activity! This was directly inspired by the MLP Art/Creative Discord server we set up, since it got me wondering what each would enjoy and share of their own.

AJ making adorable little wood creatures. Rarity obviously doing some creative sketching. Pinkie doing some art - which I imagine as falling into expressionism. Fluttershy composing melodies and songs, possibly with lyrics. Rainbow doing art as well, though pure chaos and just letting out all her emotions, going for abstract until it feels right. And finally, Twilight being a writer (she will absolutely deny writing fanfiction while being completely red faced).

Also if you'd like to join the art/creative discord server @lullabyforbears and me set up, we'd love to have you! It's fun seeing everyone's wips, ideas and just chatting. You can find the invite as well as all info in my pinned post :)

@skyloftian-nutcase good luck with studying Buddy!!

You’re gonna do great tomorrow❤️

Enjoy Twi and Wars studying together, while War’s sanity starts slipping away

Finished it! Mwahahahaha! @angelpuns DTIYS completed! I swear I got possessed to sketch and color this lol Kid Leo AU is such a serotonin boost on bad days and has def helped me through some rough ones. I'm so happy I got to participate in this!

hungry

Having an angry little friend can be good when you need someone to be pissed on your behalf

you are haunted by the turmoil of your lives

Reasons why "Calypso's Birthday" is actually really good, actually.

Stede "Lover of Beauty and Total Bitch" Bonnet dedicating an entire room to Ed's plunder because some of the stuff is "really ugly" and he's tired of tripping on it.

The crew spending a day Feng-shui-ing the ship.

Archie's birthday snake story. I swear to God, I know women like Archie and they always come out with the most unhinged shit and I love them.

Jim and Frenchie asking their dads if they can throw a party, then the dads taking the kids shopping.

Stede inventing yet another incredibly effective pop therapy term: "poison into positivity."

The implication that Ed bought Stede both leather trousers and a shirt with an exceptionally low neckline.

Ed gifting two children lots of money and knives.

WEE JOHN'S CALYPSO LOOK.

Izzy "Toxic Masculinity is My Jam" Hands putting on drag and being cheered for it.

Stolen tub filled with rum punch at Pyrate Pryde.

Ed protecting Stede with his entire body.

Fang hiding during the raid to protect his goat.

Black Pete and Lucius's twenty-four-hour sex marathon engagement celebration.

Ned Low being the best villain since fucking Chauncey.

All the bitchiness. Like, just all of it. So much bitchiness.

Stede charming the fuck out of Hellkat Maggie.

Stede taking care of things with his people positive management style, thus spreading worker unionization across the Caribbean.

"WALK."

Ed barely hesitating to go comfort Stede, who badly needs him, because Ed knows Stede better than anyone.

WALL SLAM. WALL SLAM. WALL SLAM. NOD OF CONSENT.

Hottest 2.5 second kiss in TV history.

And Then They Had Really Good Sex.

It's a great episode, c'mon.

I kind of love how Zutara has two distinct ship dynamics

dynamic 1: “I will save you from the pirates,” enemies-to-lovers, Zuko is dangerous but sexy, bad boy x good girl, morally grey antihero, Dramione vibes etc

dynamic 2: Zuko is an awkward turtleduck, idiots-to-lovers, pining for your best friend, having each other’s backs, thinking she’s the coolest thing since sliced bread, Percabeth vibes etc

We can argue about which is the correct interpretation until the cows come home, but I love that the possibilities exist in the first place. From s1 to post-series headcanons there are such distinct stages in their relationship, and you can basically pick whichever point that appeals to you and run with it. There’s something for everyone. Yet another reason why they’re the best ship y’all

I love Dream Minecraft and there's nothing anybody can do about it. And I'm glad that I stood my ground all these years in that love. He's a good honest person who genuinely tries to do better. I'm proud to be a fan of his, because the joy of loving a creator who is in turn that loving has long since outweighed the pain of being hated for loving.

As a Gévaudan Lycan, June’s design is supposed to give off an unknowable and melancholy energy.

Gévaudan Lycans are mimics, and their emotions alter their form, especially if they have little to no control of themselves when they shift.

The way June was changed into a lycan and her experience during first shift were extremely traumatic, and over time, her lycan form reflected her feelings of loss and self-loathing. She fronts as this charming and confident woman, while holding back her deeper emotions that eventually leached into the form that reflects her true self.

Fear, sadness, loss, and rage all mixed into this one entity she cannot control. Once a month, she's forced into facing all of those emotions, reliving that trauma again and again for nearly 30 years.