#this was practice (as is every drawing i make) - this time with values background and perspective | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sabertoothwalrus · 2 years

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eep sorry if youve been asked this, but when u go abt drawing bgs for ur comics, do u look up references or use imagination, and how do u practice drawing bgs for storyboards rather than illustrations? im rlly not sure where to start, and i feel like a lot of advice focuses on rendering bgs rather than it feeling ~lived in~ or actively being used or augh not sure how to say!!

hhhh ok this is something I am also still in the process of trying to figure out, and I am not a professional storyboard artist so I will attempt to answer to the best of my ability.

when it comes to storyboards, the amount of detail bgs will have during the boards phase will depend largely on both the studio AND the specific production. some 3D shows will have a render of a commonly used room the board artists can angle around for their shots. Adventure Time boards tended to be pretty loose, while the Owl House boards are EXCEPTIONALLY clean. DTVA seems to have bgs created in a several step process, and I'm not exactly sure of the timeline, but I know they have vis dev artists that do more illustrative, conceptual drawings to get the vibe, then the board artists draw out what general angles will actually be used, then layout artists/bg designers who actually go in and DRAW those bgs and add in all the little details, and THEN the colorist comes in and...colors it. I don't think every studio distributes the work in this same way. Not every studio is going to want board artists to draw clean backgrounds, but MOST will get pissed if you refuse to draw them at all djfhgdjf

If you want some tips about adding small details, this has some really useful advice.

I don't add lighting or grayscale values to my comics unless it's important to the tone/clarity, and I think that's generally the case with boards too (at least for TV, I don't know as much about boarding for feature). Here's some advice about adding lighting.

^ here's a bg I put a little more effort into than usual. I referenced some images of thrift shops I pulled up on duck duck go, some of my own memories of thrift shops I've been to, and even went on the shiftythrifting tumblr. This was just a silly comic I knew I'd be posting on tumblr rather than a serious board, so it didn't matter to me if it was perfectly clean or not. some of the shapes are... vague. and loose. but who cares sdjhfjd I think (?) it conveys the concept that this is a thrift shop.

^ for THIS comic I wanted imply hunter crowded them in the bathroom to "talk in private" which felt like a very 16 year old thing to do + there were already some nifty references of the Noceda's bathroom. and listen I know it's not perfect. I didn't draw ANY perspective guides, did more trial and error than I probably needed to, the cabinet is WAY too high. (even in the original, why is this bathroom so spacious???? why is the toilet so far from the wall where the toilet paper is???) but even with all the mistakes, it doesn't matter! no one probably noticed while watching. you see it so briefly, and your attention is still focused on the characters.

I'd say the main thing when drawing bgs for storyboarding & comics is to focus on Perspective and Composition above all else. It's ok to be loose, but make sure you still have Clarity. Be mindful of proportion ("how big is this character in comparison to the objects around them?") and angles ("if this is a low angle, shouldn't I be seeing the ceiling/sky?") etc etc because even if you know you won't be drawing it perfectly, it helps to still have it in mind.

#art help #perspective #backgrounds #comics #storyboarding #photos

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teenageheartthrob · 9 months

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Final Exit - Part 5 (Stucky x Reader)

Series Summary: Bucky is injured during a mission. It's up to you and Steve to rescue him, but is it too late?

Category: Angst, fluff

Ship: Steve x Reader x Bucky (Stucky x Reader)

Trigger Warnings: Injury, mentions of death, mentions of drugs, surgery, life-support.

Word Count: 2.2 k

A/N: Y'all I am so sorry this took so long to get out, I had the worst writer's block its honestly shameful.

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Steve stood over his lover, the piece he thought he’d lost. He looked so peaceful, so angelic. He could almost convince himself the man beneath him was sleeping, not pumped full of drugs as the case was. It almost made the blond cry, new meaning still too fresh in his mind.

He was sure that whenever the once endearing nickname “angel” now slipped from his lips, salty tears would follow. Somehow, he also knew that the name would never again be be shared between his partners as it used to be. Not out of spite, or hatred or favouritism, but fear.

An intense, unshakable and crippling fear.

The exact emotion that people in your line of work were sidelined for experiencing.

Since news of Bucky’s survival, both you and your partner had remained in a constant state of anxiety. Unable to see him for over 30 hours, prohibited by doctors in case of a sudden change in his condition, the separation was killing you.

And just as you were separated from Bucky, the captain was still yet to make his way back to you completely, a wound he knew, well, he hoped, time would have a hand in healing; he wasn’t certain of much anymore.

With both of your emotions still so raw, and no certainty to comfort the instability, every part of him ached for you, longed to be close to you, as he used to be.

But Bucky…

Captain America was no stranger to emotional turmoil but this was Steve’s biggest battle to date.

An observer would have seen Steve Rogers choosing James Barnes over Y/N L/N, as he spent every moment he was allowed by his brunet partner’s side. But you saw the selflessness in his actions.

You saw his eyes lingering on your fingers intertwining with Bucky’s when you visited, you saw him re-filling your water when you left the room. You saw him waiting until he was in the right place to talk to you about your argument.

Steve saw your insecurities, ‘maybe he does love James more than me.’ He observed the way you held yourself, remaining strong for everyone else under the circumstances, himself included. Meanwhile, the symbol of hope of freedom wilted away, petals falling as offerings at the pedestals of you and Bucky.

The scheduled visits you paid to your partner’s hospital room, ensuring you checked on both him and Steve before leaving were a stark contrast to the hero’s own prolonged sittings, practically glued to the soldier’s side.

A man, a soldier, a fighter, a friend, a lover, a partner, had just narrowly escaped the clutches of death to miraculously return to the living. Truth be told, there was still a chance he would not make it, but each passing hour gave everyone another breath of hope.

—

“Ultimately, it’s your choice.”

Helen Cho spoke softly, as though she was afraid her patient would hear your conversation, through both his medically induced coma and the conference room walls. Still, you appreciated that she sounded as though the conversation was as difficult for her professionally as it was personally.

“If I could interject,” Dr. Banner raised his hand slightly, drawing your attention. As someone with a scientific background and in intimate connection to the situation, you needed his objective opinion to guide you when you were too distraught to think clearly. “There really is no risk involved here.”

“No risk?!” Steve questioned from beside you.

Banner shot him a sympathetic glance, his presence was similarly valued amongst all the chaos. “What I mean is, if he doesn’t have the surgery, the infection will continue to weaken and…kill him again, yes?” You shivered internally as your already chilled blood ran even colder still at the doctor’s confirmation of Bruce’s explanation. “The risk was before he, well…before, was that his body would be unable to handle the heavy sedation and rigorous recovery process. Forgive me for being crude, but it seems now that whether or not he has the surgery, the outcome could be the same.”

You turned to look out of the window at the end of the room. Agents that looked like ants from where you were standing, ran drill after drill along the compound grounds below you. A melancholy ghost of a smile crossed your face as you realised that if it were any other day, it would have been Steve, Bucky and Sam running those drills.

Instead, Natasha and a few S.H.I.E.L.D higher ups stood in their places, giving the trainees more hell than your boys likely would have.

Bruce had a point, the situation couldn’t get any worse. You had already lost him once, so you could go into it more prepared if you had to a second time around. You knew you and Steve wouldn’t survive as a couple but it wasn’t like he was really here with you now anyway. His heart belonged to Bucky, it was born with him and a love like that would be buried with him too.

On the other hand, if Shuri promised you she could do something, as she had over her earlier conference call, rarely, if ever, was that promise broken.

You realised you were making this decision without Bucky- for him, you and Steve. Honestly, you were relieved, because you knew what this meant for him, and the guttural anger and hurt that would rise from your brunet soldier when, if, he awoke.

But if there was even a chance of getting him back…tears blurred your vision and the ants turned to mere dots in a sea of green below you.

“Y/N, Steve,” Bruce tried to reassure you both, “Bucky did the impossible, he came back from the dead. If anyone can survive this surgery it’s him.”

“I wouldn’t be advising you to do this unless I had complete faith in the science and medical team behind it. But we are going to need an answer from both of you. We don’t know how much longer his condition will hold,” Dr Cho spoke, professionalism returning to her voice.

You nodded your approval towards Bruce after a moments tense silence. You reminded yourself to thank him once more for his guidance, and to possibly ask him to help get you into witness protection if the Winter Soldier survived and came after you.

“Do it,” you heard your blond partner utter resolutely, alternate persona taking hold.

You turned, hoping to meet Steve’s eyes; a quiet confirmation you were doing the right thing for the man you both loved.

But a glance at where he had stood, led you to nothing but an empty space.

—-

It was three days later when James Buchanan Barnes opened his eyes again, unaware of how much time had passed, and the events that had transpired since he had last closed his eyes.

But those around him had felt the agonising pain of each passing moment. If not pain for the man himself, then for watching his partners, his lovers, come to terms with what their new life would look like.

The only way to save James Barnes fleeting life, you had been told, was to remove the diseased tissue, the source of the infection - Bucky’s only flesh arm, from the shoulder.

You knew once he awoke, he would be temporarily devastated. Mentally, you and Steve would lose him all over again.

However, his pain be somewhat more bearable, you hoped, thanks to Shuri’s magic touch.

It was during this three day period, that your other partner slipped into bed beside you ritualistically, as though he had been there all his life.

You would spent the rest of your life thanking Bruce Banner, you feared. His knowing smile upon seeing the pair of you together once more revealed his hand in the gesture. It felt like your heart was finally starting to piece itself back together again.

That was when you had the idea.

“I want him in here with us, Stevie. If he’s stable, I want him to stay here. I want him home.”

After some convincing and heavy monitoring set-up, Dr. Cho left the soldier where he belonged, in the arms of his partners. After all, he was still in the compound, just a different room.

The first time James re-opened his eyes, he knew he wasn’t dead. He wasn’t in heaven, he just couldn’t be. All it took was the familiar scent of your perfume and feel of fresh linen Steve insisted on pressing, for Bucky Barnes to realise he was home.

He had made it to three days post surgery, his chances were looking optimistically good, and both you and Steve wanted your partner where you could still reach out for him at night.

---

The new arm was vibranium, like the first replacement. The super soldier’s body and the serum inhabiting it, was less likely to reject the material that way, Drs Cho and Banner informed him, as he lay in his bed like a fucking vegetable.

They were weening him off of the anaesthetic and codeine cocktail they had been keeping him on, and his body was yet to catch up to his brain it seemed.

Bucky quickly realised that he’d zoned out of about half of the conversation.

“But there have been some improvements compared to the other model.” But that got his attention real fast.

Millions of receptors along the length of the vibranium acted in much the same way as nerves in the skin. He would be able to feel everything.

Since the loss of his left arm, James’ most heartbreaking obstacle with his replacement was the lack of sensitivity.

He had basic sense when it came it touch, but fine material such as rice through the palm or yours or Steve’s soft hair through his fingers, that was something he lacked.

It drove him crazy every now and again, and was usually a contributing factor to the beginning of a spiral regarding of his own life; what he had lost and what he used to be.

But there was a price to pay too. The super soldier would still feel pain in that arm during missions; something you firmly believed he had seen more than enough of for the two, now three lifetimes he had lived.

Shuri assured you that in time, once he became used to the overstimulation from his new limb, she would be able to update the left limb to match right one.

Almost every person that saw him wore a bullshit smile, as though that would somehow fuel his recovery. Bucky saw right through them, and as people talked down to him as though he was a child, all he wanted to do was grab them by the throat and drag them down to his level.

But that wasn’t going to happen.

He barely had the strength to stand up on his own, or tolerance to stay awake, preferring sleeping as an alternative to a limited supply of pain medications that could send his already fragile body into some form of arrest.

So James smiled the same smile back, with the hopes that they got the hint to fuck off.

He heard things during these visits, things he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to.

Doctors hushed whispers to Tony about medical clearance and when he would be fit for active duty. Conversations between you and Steve when you thought no one else could hear.

Hushed voices in the darkness.

Bucky heard almost every one of them, his anger sobering into something much more desolate.

“I need him to be okay this time, Steve. Because I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s not.”

His girl. All he wanted to do was to hold you, pull you back into his orbit and realign the three of your lives into one. Permanently he hoped.

---

Both you and the your blond counterpart had him wrapped between you that night. He couldn’t even remember how the comment pierced the silence, but it didn’t nonetheless.

“I saw a light,” the brunet started, and felt your holds on him stiffen, “I came back for you, doll. Couldn't leave you two here with all the stupid.”

The captain chuckled tearily and Bucky was aware of a larger hand squeezing his own, he actually felt it.

As the two were temporarily lost the safety of each other’s embrace, you looked at both of your boys, a weight lifted at seeing Steve slowly returning to himself.

You vowed to never let yourself forget how grateful you felt in that moment.

Unbeknownst to you and Steve, Bucky made a vow of his own in that moment. The soldier had often experienced phantom limb syndrome and he was certain he would again now.

But the greatest heartbreak James Barnes had ever felt, was waking from a dream time and time again; his calloused thumb twisting cool metal so delicately against the flesh of his ring finger, only to realise that it was not this reality he was seeing before him.

Bucky would be able to feel his wedding ring on his finger, and slip matching ones onto the hands of the two people who had saved him in every life he had lived, who he loved more than anything.

A confession of his love and unity, his vow to you both.

----------

Okay I swear there's one more part and it will be out quicker than this last update was!

Taglist:

@maryam0831

@royalwolfimports

@pono-pura-vida

@scarlettflame19

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winchester-reload · 2 years

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I admire that you're never afraid to use darker colors with your art as well and the way that you manage to make it look cozy or build up an atmosphere, for example with dim lighting! (every time that I try to go a little bit darker when I draw it just turns out to look muddy or overly saturated, esp indoors) The way you integrate the shades of the background into your art with the exact right amount to make the characters stand out is beautiful and I look up to it so much. Your art is awesome<3

Thank you, my friend. Let's just say I go blindly and brazenly into every art project, and it doesn't always work, but sometimes it does!

The most important thing to keep in mind when doing darker pieces (all pieces honestly) is mindfulness of the values (lightness and darkness) of the colors you're using. As an easy shorthand, your art should be as legible in black and white as it is with colors.

Ex:

Though this piece is very dark, the values are balanced to keep the subjects from being washed out.

For fun, here's an example of an old, dark piece of mine where I didn't really accomplish this:

See how those legs and wings get really muddled? Really the whole thing has value issues. No good. If I redid this piece today, I would be more mindful to prevent that from happening. In fact, I have used this learning experience to help with backlit wing legibility!:

So, if ever you’re having trouble with a piece. Throw up a B/W filter and color pick the muddled area, then toy with the saturation and value of the color you’re using to see what might help fix the problem.

As far as muddying of colors goes, I found this great resource that breaks down color theory for you.

But also, keep in mind, you should stay toward the middle of your color wheel. Blackest black should be used sparingly, if at all. My pieces look dark because of the colors relative to one another, not because I use a lot of black.

It takes a bit of practice, trial and failure, but I have no doubt you’ll get it!

I hope that helps! Happy arting, my friend!

#asks #art asks #my art #destiel

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deus-ipsum · 17 days

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Burgundy the Deer

I've been wanting to make this drawing, but didn't know how to execute it until now.

I have been working on trying to remember my past life and who I was; I haven't been able to gain any memories, but I feel like I'm getting close to something important.

At first it was a bit difficult since I had a lot of doubts, but once I had gain some guidance and became more confident things became easier. The world around me started to become more natural and lively; the environments were beautiful and peaceful. I feel very drawn to the world my mind takes me to which makes sense, maybe that place was my home. My last visit was very emotional and I had this overwhelming feeling of happiness and peace; the sounds of the rustling trees and the trickling water was very relaxing and my last visit gave me the great idea to finally execute this drawing the way I wanted to. Enough background now; let me tell you what this piece is about.

At the beginning of my journey into my past life the place was very isolated and lonely, but a few visits later I met this deer. She was very loving and affectionate towards me and I felt very drawn to her so I decided to follow her. It seemed like she wanted me to so we walked through the forest together; she brought me to places I already seen, but maybe it's because I overlooked them. After our first encounter our relationship has grew with every other and now she is always there waiting for me when I return. I really enjoy my time with her and she seemed to be trying to guide me somewhere or to something, but besides all that I had been wondering what her name was; she had to have one right? I was clueless and just called her "the deer" until our last encounter; the thought of her name had came up again and spontaneously the name Burgundy came to my mind and when I said it she responded. I'm pretty addiment that this is her name and there is something very important about her and her reason for always being there with me. I felt like I was getting very close to a memory, but I got brought out of my trance by some loud noises outside even with Burgundy's attempts to keep me focused by nudging me with her nose. After the disturbance had went away I refocused and returned. It was now getting pretty late and I was tired from the day I had prior so I said my farewells to Burgundy and told her I would return like always. I returned to my Astral Temple and Satan was there waiting for me since we had a conversation before I went into the door of my past life; He saw how I had taken a liking to Burgundy and since He restated the name that came to me I am confident that it is her name. I asked if she was one of the Demons taking another form and He said that she wasn't and that she was something much more which made me very curious. I now want to know who Burgundy is and why she always accompanies me, what is she trying to guide me to, is it a important part of my past life or something more. For now I don't have a clue, but I will look more into it.

Because of the love I have for Burgundy and the enjoyment I have with her company, I wanted to make a portrait of her. The learning of her name gave me the great idea to make her portrait with just the color Burgundy; I like to practice value by using one color pencil to shade a drawing and making this drawing was very enjoyable. Enjoy the art!

#deer #nature #past life #spirituality #satanism #traditional art

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flitflitflit · 9 months

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Hey gamers

In an attempt to combat the sludge that executive dysfunction turns existing into, I have created this blog to record Things I Do! With the goal that I maintain a consistent i/o of brain goodies.

Henceforth, we shall be attempting to do Things from each Cluster of Things each day!

C1: Absorption

Absorb media!

These Things must be something new to you, and you must be actively engaged (putting something on in the background while you do a C3 Thing does not count as also doing a C1 Thing, but you can still do it! (You've Got Mail vhs my beloved (the more I watch it the harder it is to ignore the sting of capitalism through the entire plot but I digress, cute background flick I've probably memorised by now)))

This can be fulfilled by doing at least one of the following for a sufficient period for its medium (i.e number of book chapters is a flexible value based on how long a book's chapters are)

read a Book!

watch a Film or Show!

research Something new!

listen to a Story or a new kind of Music!

play a Game! (must be purposeful, otherwise it counts as C4) (taiko doesn't count) (taiko doesn't count) (taiko doesn't count)

C2: Expression

Create or practice a craft!

It's as shrimple as that! Express a Thing in whatever way you like. This includes:

drawing or painting!

embroidery!

cooking or baking!

practicing your rope work!

designing those jewel case inserts and booklets for music you have that doesn't have an official physical release so you can have them look nice when you burn them!

learning the Persona 4 Specialist dance routine for the funny!

Some Things take longer, so they can be based on time spent, instead of full project completion, akin to C1.

You do not need to be productive. You do not need to be productive every day forever. If you spend half an hour on needlework and only get a row done, this is okay! You engaged your nervous system, this is what is important :)

C3: Functioning

Complete a task!

This one might feel like a way to trick yourself into being productive (demand avoidance bares its teeth at the thought) but you're not going to go through the effort of restructuring how your brain processes Things without recognising that there are also Things That Must Be Done, You know how sticky you feel if you don't do these. It will be okay. It will be okay.

In the name of Gamification, by the power of the Checklist, new management strategy be upon ye!!

To get C3 points for the day, you have to do all of the following:

take your meds!

have at least two meals!

drink at least two tall glasses of water!

wash up!

get adequate sleep! naps count!

complete at least two Important Tasks (a running list I keep of things like returning a call/email, or making an appointment)

touch grass! Walk the dog, go biking, do a C1 Thing in the back garden (can be forgiven if air quality is harsh)

Additionally, you should try to complete at least three Large Tasks each week (this allows for rest on busier days). These are things like

laundry

sorting and organising your shelves

I'll add more here as I rember them

C4: Delight

Delight in the world!

There are two parts to this one.

Do a Delightful Thing

Observe a Delightful Thing

You should Do at least two things, and Observe at least three things. What they are is up to your discretion! Enjoy the world and its inhabitants :)

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iconicanemone · 2 years

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We, as in myself and the people who seem to be surrounding me, are short selling ourselves for pennies

This is a post mainly for the younger artists. Those who’s main source of commissions use da points or some other virtual currency. Please reblog and share this so the people who need to read this will see it.

Essay under cut, as well as more in-depth pricing by professionals linked at the bottom of the post.

TL;DR: If you take a half an hour on an art piece, price it $5 minimally. Then price your stuff at around $5 every half hour it takes. No this isn’t overpricing yourself. It’s still underpricing.

Just today as I start writing this, my sister came to me and my mom asking if we could meet up with a stranger who was buying her car, so we can get the check for her.

I went, haha, you can pay me $20 to do that. But then my mom and sister were like ‘that’s cheap’, so I bumped it to $50, and then $75.

But then my mom turns around and asks for $200, which both her and my sister agreed that was reasonable, as it would leave my sister with over $500 net value (the amount of money you get in the end)

And that hit me. And it, along with professional suggestions that I’ve looked at in the past and absorbed into my subconscious, as well as seeing people go “I can do 200-300 da points for a ref sheet!” Made me stop, spin around, and think.

If we go by my own conversions, 100 da points equals $1. A reference sheet is one fullbody minimum. So you’re basically doing a fullbody for $2-3 bucks, or even 50¢ as I’ve seen some people.

Now, I get it. I ended up surrounded by people who are minors. Those below age 19 who don’t have experience, and who may have a stable household. But, here, let me phrase it this way.

Your clients, the people paying for your art, aren’t just paying for art. They’re paying for your time and experience.

I take 30 minutes per piece of art on average, the numbers taken from the month of August, which has a variety of a sketchy headshot, and a full scene with a background, all colored and shaded, with some as exceptions. As thus, I will be using the $ per half hour phrasing instead of the $ per hour phrasing professionals use. I will also be doing $5 a half hour. While yes, professionals such as the animators who host BamAnimations recommend $15 an hour for teenagers, half of that is $7.50. $5 is a simpler number to do math with.

So for me, the shortest timeframe I took of a Art piece was a fully shaded sketchy headshot at 9 minutes. And the highest was a fully shaded scene, with extra sketchy not colored characters in the background, at 2 hours and 3 minutes.

As you can see, that is a wide range. You may think that $5 is too much for a 9 minute sketchy headshot, but you should agree that $5 is way too little for a piece that takes 123 minutes. And I am a faster artist, so your time may vary, but anything that takes over 30 minutes should cost more than $5.

If you still believe that the price to half hour I listed is too much, let me also point out the other thing that your client is paying for. Your experience. In this case, I’m not just talking about what you did to learn how to draw. I’m talking about that, in addition to how much time you’ve practiced drawing, as well as what you sacrificed to get to your level of drawing. That could be the cost of the equipment to draw, like a tablet or a drawing program. Or it could be a drawing related injury such as carpal tunnel.

My experience includes this. I started drawing more frequently in 2019, which as of 2022 is over 3 years. That’s the time I’ve spent drawing. I also have used my time watching videos about how to draw, which has increased my quality and time of my art. And while I may not have paid any money to make any of my digital art, I started drawing traditionally, which the sketch books I bought did cut into my budget. And on top of that, when I first dove into digital art in 2020, I made a grave mistake which injured my right arm, rendering it in pain and unusable for months afterwards. That also injured my left arm due to overuse, and I am still feeling the repercussions of that over 2 years later.

Quick tip for people who want to get into digital art. Do NOT use a laptop mousepad to draw.

As you’ve seen, my experience should qualify me to more than that $5 a half an hour baseline. And even if you are only just now starting to get into drawing, you should keep in mind how much time you spend on a drawing, how much time did you spend learning how to draw? How much money did you spend on your drawing journey? And what other sacrifices did you make to get where you are on your drawing journey?

The next step would be to figure out how to price things. Canonkiller (link at end of essay) has a good chart on how to price things, though they use the $15 an hour method. I sincerely recommend their document a read, as they go more into pricing, boundaries, and payment options. But I’ll be using their math here.

Their math starts with the lowest option, a sketchy headshot, and goes to the highest option, a shaded fullbody, and only includes a halfbody/waist up as the other size option. A sketchy headshot is the base price $5. Then lines raises that price by x1.5, which is $7.50. Color raises the price x2, which is $10, and shading raises that to x3, which is $15. Then when the size bumps up to a halfbody, the sketch price goes up to x2 the base price, making it $10, and then the other math follows. This will lead to the shaded halfbody being $30. Fullbody raises the sketch price to x4 the base price, leading the sketchy price $20, and shaded price being $60.

You are probably thinking that this is a lot. And here’s the thing. It is a lot. But here’s the thing. Canonkiller used a $15 base value. Which made the shaded fullbody price to be $180. And that’s just for a shaded fullbody with a simple or transparent background. And Canonkiller said that $180 for a shaded fullbody is still underpaying.

But perhaps $5 a half hour is a better way of decreasing the time of the pricing? Let’s take the 123 minutes from the art piece that took me longest to do, rounding the number up to 125 for easy math. It ends up to be $25. That seems like a lower number. But the math and timing you have to do to figure that pricing out probably isn’t worth it. And you may take more time than I did. But the thing is people are doing this kind of art or more for $5. At the most. You should stop doing that. Just stop it. Take down your commission prices and look up videos on money and business if you need to. And even if you still think it’s a lot, and that you won’t get any commissions like this, BamAnimations said that it’s better to take fewer commissions for more, instead of more commissions for less. It’s better for your health and your pocketbook.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t write this to babble about math, and shame you for pricing your art at 50 da points. I wrote this for the people who think that their art is worth that little. I wrote this for the people who don’t realize they are underpricing themselves. I wrote this for myself. And I wrote this for you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go adjust my own prices accordingly.

Please watch these guys’ videos. Not only for their pricing opinions. But for their quirky and fun videos teaching art at a professional animator level.

Bam Animation: https://youtu.be/ghQNQNzFmT4

And read this guy’s document. It not only shows a way you should price your stuff, but also it explain how minors (under 18) can get paid with actual money, and how you can set boundaries no matter what others may say.

CanonKiller: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cKFMOQiYl8hdLEFzuuQ8nsMV4Gpwd44oVF4PMstwS7k/edit

If you have any questions or concerns, please let me know. And please share this with people you think that need to read this.

#Artblr #art #digital art #artistblr #artist alley #please spread the word

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gnorkel · 1 year

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hey I’m loving your art - each time you post the more pretty it gets! when you draw what are your settings for the brushes you use and when you’re coloring how do you go about it?

thank you so much for the lovely comment anon ^_^

for the last year and a half or so ive done a good chuink of my linework and sketching in paint.net, with the single brush tool it has. I started to love it so much that I was got so incredibly upset when they finally added pen pressure to the program cause it ruined the way the pen worked :P. I have calmed down now though. I'm also more often than not doodling on aggie/magma, with this brush (and pen pressure off):

here are some other brushes i use for linework:

i color on a colorful background and use a low density paint brush cause i like the look of the background seeping through. it also makes color matching marginally easier, as every color i put down has the same hue underneath.. in both coloring and linework i put priority toward shape and shadow, im a big fan of a very large constrast between light and dark and so i render every bit of a drawing as separately as i can, not really paying much mind to actual lighting accuracy, i just do whatever looks nice lol. heres a visual example of sectioning my drawing into shapes and then coloring/shading accordingly. i dont think about this too hard i just sort of subconsiously know where to put my shadows over years of practice. and lots of squinting to see what the values are lol.

for actually choosing colors i unfortunately cant tell you much cause i dont know what i do either... basic color theory :P

here is the main brush i use for painting:

#if u understood anything i even said here ill come and personally shake your hand..

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canmom · 2 years

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dispatch from animation mine

the webgen animation 'community' for want of a better term is... a lot of things! for one it’s impressively international - i think I've met people from just about every continent, for once Europeans/NAmericans are in the minority. it’s also also terrifyingly young.

I've heard of people landing anime jobs as young as 14, vercreek is 18 or 19 iirc, roadsign is 18, a 19 year old made this, I've been talking to another 18 year old who considers this sort of pace the standard and feels frustrated that he can't keep pace despite clearly being well on his way. and these kids, from the phillipines, from singapore, from germany, from china, are incredibly hard working... not necessarily in the healthiest way. I've heard of a server where you get kicked out if you're deemed not to be grinding hard enough.

and to be clear, nobody’s getting paid for this - it’s all for the love of the art form and the sense of competition. nor is it any sort of workplace training - the teaching is mostly informal, peer to peer, drawing on the many different art resources (and anime specific ones) that exist on the internet now.

i think the instinct of most of my friends would be to feel sorry for these kids, struggling so hard for what is objectively a pretty terrible job. and yet... i don't think they have illusions about it. sakugablog articles about the woeful state of the industry go around all the time. i saw that 18 year old say recently, “i hope i can get a job in the anime industry before it collapses.” (he’ll probably pull it off, the rate he’s going.)

it's also not true that all these kids value is flashy action shots, overuse of smears rather than moving. these things are common in beginners, but among the hardcore grinders, if anything, they could be accused of overemphasising the 'drawing fundamentals' with the aim of achieving naturalistic fullbody movement with weight, proportion, anatomy all tight. “do your figure drawing practice.”

and don’t get me wrong! there's certainly a love of the elements of old school kanada school showiness - background animation, big action shots, people definitely still think yutaka nakamura is GOAT at every level - but if anything i think the real prize is to achieve work like this by bahi jd (one of the very first international webgen animators) or the kaguya-sama ED that vercreek directed and largely key animated, or indeed weilin zhang's way of drawing fighting (admittedly Weilin is loved as much for his effects, his ability to combine them with this kind of weighty action, and just all round talent).

so, to take a look at one of these examples: it's lively constant motion, but with a different attitude to stylisation and timing than the old full animation of Disney, perhaps more akin to the ‘full limited’ of Mitsuo Iso.

and in a way I would say, this is ultimately the sakugabooru generation of animators! i feel like it’s hard to understate the influence of that website on self-taught animators today. it’s not just that we watch a lot of anime, it’s that now watching anime for animation, and paying attention to its technicalities, stylistic motifs, etc etc. is now very strongly established. ‘sakuga MADs’ are the gateway drug; some proportion of people will go from just watching to setting the mission of making the sakoog themselves.

an interesting consequence of this is that despite the massively international nature of this movement, certain stylistic hallmarks are very common across the whole field. we can trace them to the influences of what's big in sakuga fan circles. we could also perhaps credit Hyun's Dojo, a mostly stick figure oriented site which was home to Weilin, Vercreek and Telepurte when they started out.

so, all over the world, people are drawn by the same flame. what prompted this thought is that i recently saw someone promoting an African Animation Association and if you watch their stuff... it’s mostly classic webgen and stick stuff: sticks having flashy martial arts battles, figures smashing up yutapon cubes in a flat plane, explosions...

youtube

the sense of rivalry leads to some odd inclinations. for example, I’ve seen novices worry about where they’ll debut, if it’s a cool enough anime to earn respect. (this got shut down pretty quick thankfully). people have to be reminded not to prioritise flexing to look cool on sakugabooru over the actual needs of the production. and of course, there is constant discussion of the dangers of taking work before you’re ready from a desperate production assistant, turning in bad work, and getting informally blacklisted.

it is in short... complete chaos! but it’s going to be curious how it will shake out. anyway, increasingly some of these non-Japanese (I won’t say Western, bc many aren’t from the West) webgen animators are now finding work on Western shows like Castlevania, or in projects like Studio Grackle. meanwhile, with the demise of Western traditional animation, the anime pipeline, and anime visual styles, have overwhelmingly become the central reference point for 2D animation worldwide, influencing works from donghua to French animation such as Peepoodo.

that brings me around to the current small controversy in animation circles which is these “boards” for the Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, animated by Kevin Molina-Ortiz. here’s a sakugabooru link if you prefer! unfortunately I can’t embed it. and here’s the version of the scene that made it to the film. here’s a gif from the sequence although not the best part tbh:

as many people have said, these are not ‘boards’ so much as rough animation. the reason is basically union-busting: Western studios prefer to outsource ‘animation’ jobs to cheaper countries like South Korea and the Philipines, meaning puppet animation, cleanup and inbetweening. But wanting more control, and with artists fiercely competing for a small set of jobs, the studios demand more and more detailed storyboards until they approach what would be considered ‘layouts’ or ‘first key animation’ in Japan.

and, like, clearly Kevin Molina-Ortiz is driven by the same impulses as these webgen guys. his animation is packed with sakuga references: you have an Itano circus, you have allusions to Yutaka Nakamura’s sequences in Mob Psycho 100 and Birdy the Mighty Decode (mentioned by someone on sakugabooru, can’t figure out which specific cut they have in mind).

this allusion-dense approach to animation feels similar, in a way, to Flying Bark’s clear inspiration Hiroyuki Imaishi, who also peppers his work with Dezaki references and Kanada dragons and similar allusions. the audience will no doubt think it’s cool as shit, but it is also a wink and a nod to other animators and sakuga fans. nowadays it’s more possible than ever to have a personal reputation as an animator, to be a tiny ‘charisma animator’ at least in your niche.

for studios, this is... if not exactly a dream come true, since managing this rambunctious new generation of foreign animators unfamiliar with the industry practices is proving a bit of a headache, at the very least a welcome life ring in the current desperation. they can keep paying their miserable rates and throw people into rushed projects on life support, and still trust that people will bend over backwards to work for them.

all the same like. animators want to animate. that’s not, I think, a bad thing! although sometimes it does seem like animation is a form of collective insanity, in which we all perform monk-like discipline and asceticism in pursuit of a rather abstract ideal.

‘objectively’, teaching yourself animation with the aspiration to work on anime is one of the least sensible things you can do with your life. for the price of thousands of hours of effort, you can earn your way to freelance work with no protections, an income rising from ‘poverty’ to ‘modest’, endemic crunch and barely any reliable training, conducted in a language you probably don’t speak yet. but! you’ll get to express yourself in this ridiculous art form, so maybe that’s worth it.

why do anything, really?

anyway, these young people seem to have found their answer. and i’ll be honest, i kind of admire them. i want to have their skill, but more than that, i want to be able to consistently apply that level of commitment. to anything, really. and there is an incredible satisfaction in learning a skill, finding you have capabilities you didn’t before, to feel you’ve worked hard at something. i don’t think these things are wrong. given the choice between grinding in a videogame or developing my real skill at animation, i eagerly choose the latter... so I guess we’ll have to see if ‘webgen animator at age 30′ is a plausible path for a life to take.

#anime #introspective nightposting #webgen #sakuga

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crom-cristianortiz · 1 year

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Gaining Insight into the Creative Process of Concept Artist Crom - Cristian Ortiz in an Exclusive Interview.

Since he was a young boy, Cristian Ortiz has been driven towards illustration. His passion for the arts have led him to explore many disciplines within the creative industry-- animation, comics, storyboarding, game design and advertising.

But there's one thing that all of these fields had in common; drawing! Once he discovered 'illustration' as his rightful career path though it seemed like everything made sense--so with every decision since then his goal has been to become an illustrator.

Are you self-taught or did you have a formal Art Education ?

I always drew and had personal projects going since I was really young but I wanted to see what was there to learn from places like St. Martins University where every summer I’d spend all my pennies on their short courses on storyboarding, illustration and design.

By the time I was seventeen, I had attended a foundational course in East London that taught me how to take on projects and briefs with confidence. Later on, at Middlesex University, my Illustration & Animation degree not only brought together an incredible group of peers but also permitted traditional illustrators to open up new perspectives for me which otherwise would have gone unrealized.

I eagerly saved every penny to attend St. Martins University's summer courses in storyboarding, illustration and design to gain an understanding of the possibilities within my field.

My past work experience has been exclusively in freelancing, so I am more familiar with it. If you prefer having direct contact with the people you are collaborating with and taking care of the administrative tasks yourself, then this is a great route for you to take.

Being an excellent game artist necessitates the ability to creatively transform a project brief into your own personal vision, while simultaneously infusing it with enthusiasm. An aptitude for bringing life and energy to characters and environments is key in this role, enabling you to craft unique experiences that players will love.

You should be full of enthusiasm when constructing bold new worlds and fascinating characters - it's key to the creative process!

If you are an aspiring game artist with dreams of succeeding in the industry, then honing your artistic skills and practice is essential. Different styles come into play depending on what type of game artistry you are interested in. To become a proficient game artist, it is important to develop a vision for how you want to express yourself visually through practice - creating projects that test your boundaries and challenge your abilities will help identify where further development needs to be focused on.

Trends come and go, yet to effectively communicate your vision visually requires diligence, practice, and personal projects. Do you find that the final illustrations are distinct from the ideas originally in mind?

The pieces I showcased at "Illustrated 2016" in the Truman Brewery were close to what one may classify as Fine Art. But where does Illustration stop and Fine Art begin? Or, is there no distinct boundary between the two? To me, it's about pushing boundaries: striving for excellence and surprise factors. More often than not, I end up with something even better than what my initial vision was!

I believe people perceive my work as valuable because I make physical pieces on canvases and fine paper, instead of mass-produced prints. While labels can be irrelevant to me, the fact that my artwork is one-of-a-kind has caused its value to rise exponentially in recent times. With a professional background steeped in commercial work and pop culture, who knows what direction my art will take me next?

What's it like to be part of the Creative Community in London? It's inspiring! In my experience, this city is a true powerhouse for creative individuals who are looking to collaborate and perfect their respective crafts. From indie comic creators, sign painters, game developers and more – if you have an interest in art or expression then there will always be a gathering that welcomes your enthusiasm. I've been fortunate enough not only witness these communities but also connect with them; never has there been such an energizing force towards creativity as what exists here.

London exudes magnetic creativity, which has attracted an eclectic community of artisans who are eager to collaborate and hone their crafts. This vibrant metropolis is alive with unique individuals wishing to share their inspiring skills and experiences with others.

#art #artwork #nail art #artists on tumblr #ai art #fan art #artoftheday #original art #art inspiration #illustration #art style #cute art #CROM #oliver cromwell #shane crommer #sofia cromwell #tiffany cromwell #croma campus #the cimmerian

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wwwdenise · 1 month

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‘How Do You Live’

The 96th Academy Awards saw Hayao Miyazaki's new film "What Kind of Life Do You Want to Live?" win the award for Best Animated Feature Film. This is the second time Miyazaki has won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature Film, after winning in 2003 for A Thousand and One. I'm honestly looking forward to it, so I thought I'd share the news. Although everyone probably already knows about it. hh

Launched in 2017, the film is based on the 1937 novel of the same name by Genzaburo Yoshino. The book tells the story of a 15-year-old boy, "Copernicus Jr.", inspired and guided by his uncle, a university graduate, explores topics such as friendship, wealth, poverty, discrimination, bullying, people and society, and courage, to clarify "the value of what makes us human".

Still hand-painted, this production of What Kind of Life Do You Want to Live is Ghibli's largest production to date, with 60 painters working simultaneously.

I would like to share an artist who has held the position of background artist in many of Ghibli's works, Kazuo Oka, who is known to be the royal scene painter of Hayao Miyazaki's old grandpa. Since the film hasn't been released yet, I can't find any proof that he was involved in the production of the film What Kind of Life Do You Want to Live? It's said that you can only come up with one minute of film a month so this film is really precious.

Especially in the stage of rapid development of AI drawing now, the existence of old grandpa Hayao Miyazaki and his works seems to be a constant wake-up call for me not to forget the most basic and primitive way of expression. About male deer, Kazuo is a painter I have always liked very much and participated in "Totoro", "magical girl otaku rush", "the fairy tale of the Years", "a thousand and a Thousand Searches" and so on background paintings. Hayao Miyazaki once commented, "His work looks careful and serious, but when you look close, it's rough. He uses only one light stroke, and I think that's what makes his work so marvellous."

There is a Chinese saying that means that when you see a person's writing, you can learn about that person's character or can imagine their temperament. I think this saying is also very suitable to apply to paintings. hh

I guess the male deer and male must be a very quiet person, carefully observing the subtle changes around here. Perhaps he had very few words, perhaps he loved to laugh. It is as if there is a soul in each of his paintings they are either clear or silent. The paintings are all landscapes, just landscapes without a single distraction. So a pure idea is so clean. I can't find beautiful and touching words to describe his works. It's like taking a sip of sweet tea.

He has a unique way of filtering light, even the white snowy landscape seems like a warm afternoon, and the use of warm colours is also something that fascinates me. What is his understanding of colour?

There has been a constant topic of discussion about whether AI painting can replace the original artist. Every time I think about it, after seeing his work, my answer is no way. Maybe they have similar styles and colour relationships, but the feeling of handwork and painting is not there. A sensible design, a sense of realism in the conception, the colours about your mood. These are things that a machine doesn't have, and a machine is like a baby that needs to be fed and nourished by you. So don't worry too much. Use AI as a tool to increase our productivity, in more intensive hand drawing practice. Produce great work.

References：

(Longport App). [Online] Available at: https://longportapp.com/en/news/109912123 (Accessed: 23 March 2024).

Quality Culture. (2022年8月27日). [Video]. [Online] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG6XzB_J3IA (Accessed: 23 March 2024).

Variety. (2022). Studio Ghibli’s Hayao Miyazaki Teases His Final Film, ‘How Do You Live?’. [Online] Available at: https://variety.com/2022/film/news/studio-ghibli-hayao-miyazaki-how-do-you-live-new-film-1235459163/ (Accessed: 23 March 2024).

"The Boy and the Heron". In Wikipedia. [Online] Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boy_and_the_Heron (Accessed: 23 March 2024).

Oscars. (2024.3.11). Best Animated Feature Film | 'The Boy and the Heron' | Oscars 2024 Press Room Speech. [Video]. [Online] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvAe9rWaSpY (Accessed: 23 March 2024).

Wikipedia contributors. Kazuo Oga. In Wikipedia. [Online] Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kazuo_Oga (Accessed: 23 March 2024).

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ekkurea · 9 months

Note

(im the anon who sent the rendering ask and tips) AS SOMEOEN W STEM BACKGROUND WE’re always yk making things easier for us with ai.. im gonnaa divert a bit..i asked a professor (this was a neuroscience conference) why dont we perfect ai and develop a new artificial brain instead of studying the human brain… he had the most simple basic reply … why wouldnt you want to usee ai to understand yourbrain first… its a tool that can help us understand an actual brain why not use it there… i didnt really have an answer back then… but with your insight i resonate his answer w yours.. any other field ai is a helping hand and as much as i am against ai art … i see the potential it offers …. and obviously one needs to knoww their basics to use ai ot any tool !! and i just wanna say KUDOS FOR DOING IT :))) !! LITERALLY ALL SO MYCH LOVE FOR YOY!! GO YOU !!! 🫶

Hello! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡ I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart( ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ഒ These are really important words for me. I needed to read them to make my heart feel better. I love your every word! ଘ(੭◌ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

And I was very interested when you said about the neuroscience lectures! Apart from the fact that I love to hear people talk about their fields of study, I am also interested in their perspective on my field (*^ω^)八(⌒▽⌒)八(-‿‿- )ヽ

Next, I want to share my thoughts on what drawing means to me and what I think is the value of drawings (and not only). Sorry, I'll share some new art soon. m(_ _)m

I'm not a fan of AI art either, but I don't devalue the work of AI artists either.

I really like the process of creating drawings(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) For me, it is not only therapy but also a way of preserving a piece of my soul in a drawing (or anything else "created by hand"). I keep drawings that may seem unsuccessful now. Because they reflect my view of the world at the time when I created them. Looking at them, I travel through the memories of my life. I think it's like a photograph. It stops time, conveys the focus, where the author's gaze was directed and shows what and how he sees. We can talk about this endlessly. 彡ﾟ◉ω◉ )つー☆* I'm one of those people who understand the popularity and value of Malevich's black square. (By the way, he is a Ukrainian artist. I say this because you might have heard a lie somewhere, if you know what I mean)

I also want to expand a bit on the topic of values that I emphasize in things. It's cool if they go hand in hand.

(੭ˊ͈ ꒵ˋ͈)੭̸*✧⁺˚ The first is the author. We can be supporters of a person, their life, their worldview... I'm ready to pay more if it's created by a person I'm interested in and like. This way I get a piece of him and support him. I think people who are fans of someone will understand me.

(੭ˊ͈ ꒵ˋ͈)੭̸*✧⁺˚ The second is the finished product. Recently, there were campaigns in my country and around the world about how artificial intelligence sees the exploitation of animals. It really doesn't matter to me that the machine created these images in a minute. The main thing is the benefit that came from it.

For example, another area is medicine. Doctors used to practice all their lives to move more and more perfectly during operations. And yet there is a level of precision that we will never be able to match. But a machine can do it. So why not let technology do it?

(((＞＜))) We are afraid of change. Artists, actors, construction workers, everyone is afraid of losing their jobs. I am too! But if it's not something that is aimed at destroying all life, then maybe it can help us on the contrary. We'll see where it takes us. And if it happens that no one wants my drawings at all, I know what I want to do with myself. This is about the fact that when people trusted progress, they found time and opportunities to improve other areas of life.

(*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡ I would hold drawing lessons, creative evenings... Experience has shown that the Internet can provide a lot of knowledge, but live classes, the creative process, conversations, support, discussions are something that no machine can replace. And the way students and their parents call and write to me and say that they miss our classes warms my heart every time. I also miss this atmosphere.

(人´∀｀)．☆．。．:*･° And if you didn't know what to do in the evening, take it as a sign. Take pencils, paints, paper or anything else, turn on your favorite movie or music and create. Do what you want and what your heart tells you to do. Alone or with someone. Don't worry about being perfect and professional! No, that's not the point. Just have fun!

I will end. Haha!

I don't know how it happened, but sorry for the sea of text! m(_ _;m)三(m;_ _)m

I love you and thank you for supporting me! (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) ☆

P.s. I also want to say that English is not my native language and I am very bad at it. So if I made a mistake somewhere and someone wants to correct me, no problem! I am happy to learn!

Also, let me know if it's boring, obvious, and not interesting to anyone. I will not be offended in any way! I'm just not going to talk about things that I wasn't even asked about and will leave these conversations for my friends. Haha.

#askekurea

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flowerchildwren · 1 year

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2022 art review :]

Every year I like to take one piece from each month and go over it, what I like, what I don’t and how my art changed over the year

January- absolute dead eyed stare, I choose to not draw faces on both those statues only to put no effort into the center character’s face. This piece is the beginning of the bright colors that have had a choke hold on my art ever since

February- old Comet design my beloathed. I was trying to do something with this piece and it really just doesn’t work at all the values are awful. I will give this piece credit though, this is the birth of Comet but boy does it show

March- This has got to be my favorite piece of the year but I really really want to redraw this because there are things I really want to fix like the background (lord those pillars are rough) and posing to make things a bit more interesting

April- purble. I still think the concept behind this character is fun but like, you can really tell this is a first design, most under designed Goddess ever. I think the muddiness was there in the march art but its really apparent in this piece

May- I really havent wanted to draw faces these past months huh? The shading is just so muddy it was honestly at its worse during this time. This piece is also just so nothing, like for a piece about setting a church on fire with a magical stick you think it wouldn’t be so boring

June- Pride elf!

this is the coloring style I ended up adopting for Super V later in the year and god do I regret that. I wish I’d put more effort into the coloring on this because despite this piece taking like 5 hours It really doesn’t look it, but it’s a start I hope I don’t abandon it for several months

July- oh no. Anyway this is my most popular piece of art ever which if I knew that I wouldn’t have done nothing with the background. The muddiness is back with a vengeance and i feel like I should have emphasized the light source more even though it is just a candle. Sorry for making you all cry tho my bad

August- the typo in the original post still makes me chuckle. I tried to do some minor perspective work with this piece in the arm and it really doesn’t work huh. This has got to get redrawn this is the cover for my comic man, It just looks very low effort, which is most likely because I made it while I was on vacation

September- oh hey look that coloring style is back. Man this one just doesn’t look good. I think it’s the head and the left backpack strap I also just didn’t do any work on the center part of the hoodie, I did end up shifting away from this coloring style in my general art though since I don’t like doing it

October- mmm lot of experamentation this year huh, this shading style is also very bad don’t worry this is it. This was just some artsy hand practice but I really stood have just stuck to standard hand practive because that left one only has four fingers

November- I should have just gotten rid of that railing :/ 2023 is going to be the year I work on backgrounds I promise. I don’t mind this one too much, I think I just have a chase of staring at a piece so much I start to hate the sight of it

December- man this one really isn’t good either :/ I was doing a lot of experminentation this year and never really commited and worked on stuff long enough, except the bright colors, those came in like day one and they stuck with me.

#tw blood #art #digital artwork #artists on tumblr #my art #artwork #digital aritst

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collegeafricagroup33 · 1 year

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weabooweedwitch · 1 year

Text

I just. Hate that anything I've ever experienced or struggled with will always be used against me to invalidate my worth and my character. Was arguing with my mom and im fucking 25 and she has to bring up when I was in fucking high school and "oh when you were going to this school they said you were the most negative child they'd ever seen and all you did was complain"

I was.... an extremely depressed and suicidal child... I was literally starting to attend a school thst was known for being "for bad kids" because they were known to teach in alternative ways to help children with troubled backgrounds and mental illness... I was starting to not even go to school at all because of how extremely depressed I was and I would up dropping out completely...

The fact that I'm still a very. Broken and traumatized adult and I'm being blamed for things that happened to me as a child? That that's used against me, that I was an extremely depressed child? That i was depressed my entire life? That i was beaten and hit as a child and it changed me forever and now that just makes me a monster???

I'm just. I'm a permanantly shitty person I guess. If nothing I've ever done has ever been good enough, if me being suicidal is me "being manipulative", then I don't think my life has any value or ever did even once

Just any time I make a mistake it gets added to the list of things I'm a failure for. Oh you were such a negative child, oh you were always threatening to kill yourself, oh you tried to have a hobby and spent money on all those pokemon cards, oh you used to draw violent drawings in school almost 20 years ago, oh you stopped brushing your teeth because you thought you'd be dead before you got cavities

It feels like she's just been keeping score my entire life. She says she's there to support me but the second we fight, she lists things all the way back from when I was practically A BABY, just item after item of why I'm so stupid or lazy and I should've done more and how so and so is MY FAULT

I just. I've gotten in the habit of carrying my pills/boxcutter around with me and sometimes I sit and PRAY and fantasize that I will have the courage to. Change something. Be different. Be worthy. Or at least if my life never mattered to at least be dead

I just. I'm really starting to wonder. If I should take this trip to Canada. See those friends. Have one last little adventure. Have one last thing to look forward to. And then just. Do what I should've always done.

But it's stupid right? I'm just upset and I'll cry and feel better tomorrow and then feel guilty for freaking out and being human and worrying people. And this will happen again. And again. And again. And again. And torturing myself over every little thought and feeling for every single day that I breathe. But hey "I'm still alive" right. Nothing could be worse than not existing at all, right. What a joke. That's so funny

#she goes from threatening to have me committed against my will to threatening to throw me out on the street #i just need to find the mental strength. someday I'll be so miserable i wont fear the pain anymore

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