#this post took so long i've been working on it since yesterday </3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

goblin-simming · 7 months

Text

it's time. Meet Liesel Edgeworth, my most specialest girl of all time <3

Young Adult (24)

Aspiration: Legally Sim (This sim wants to pursue a law career.)

Traits: Cheerful, Geek, Clever, Kind, Soft

Teen (17)

Aspiration: Valedictorian (This sim wants to become a valedictorian! To do this, they'll need straight A's and some luck.)

Traits: Cheerful, Geek, Clever, Kind

Child (11)

Aspiration: Whiz Kid (This sim wants to be the smartest kid in school.)

Traits: Cheerful, Geek, Kind

Toddler (5)

Traits: Clingy, Inquisitive

Infant (1)

Trait: Wiggly

This post is long enough already but I desperately need to tell you about her so i'll go ahead and cut the post :p

Note for readers: our ocs exist in a universe that canon-adjacent at best. We change so much so far back that it's frankly absurd so just. keep that in mind while you read <3

She was born in Munich, Germany to a prominent prosecutor and his wife, their first child. Her mother died during childbirth, leaving her and her father alone and upset over her passing.

She was born with a birth defect that left her legs weak, making it difficult for her to stand and walk on some days, while other days she is largely unaffected.

Her father did his best to raise her himself, making sure she had the mobility aids she needed, and her childhood was happy. She inherited her father's passion for the law, often accompanying him to the courthouse when permitted, and excitedly insisting he tell her about the cases she wasn't able to see play out in person. She also adored her neighbors, and spent much of her time bothering hanging out with the older neighbor boy who wanted nothing to do with her and his baby sister. The spring after she turned eleven, her father's health took a turn for the worst, and in the early summer, he passed.

With no other family to take her in, she was taken to an orphanage, where she spent the next few months. Most of her free time, she was permitted to spend in the records room of the courthouse, taking in any and all cases the records-keepers would let her access.

That was where she met Edgeworth, who saw the similarities between her and himself, and, in an uncharacteristically spur-of-the-moment decision, adopted her himself.

She spent the next six years traveling Europe alongside her adoptive father, excitedly taking in foreign legal systems and studying thoroughly, with the plan to eventually become a prosecutor as well.

During this time she also had the opportunity to meet Phoenix Wright and his daughter, Trucy, whom she bonded quickly with.

When Liesel and her father returned to the United States, with no plans to leave again, Liesel threw herself head-first into Themis Legal Academy, using her knowledge from Europe to spur her focus into the way things are done in her new home.

During her time at Themis is when she met Nora Spect, her self-proclaimed best friend, and Athena Cykes, another close confidant. She was also given the opportunity to reconnect with her childhood neighbors, the Gavins. Things had changed drastically between them, since she'd last seen them, and she got along much closer with Klavier than she had as a child.

She graduated second in her class, and started her career shortly thereafter, facing off for the first time in a real courtroom across from her best friend.

She prioritizes truth above everything else, leading her to have very few wins on record against Nora, though that hardly stops them from celebrating each case they work together, inviting friends out for drinks and karaoke.

okay i'm gonna stop rambling here bc actual events get really shaky from here on but!! other stuff to mention

she's autistic as fuck (she caught the Lawtism, as I've been calling it)

she's cishet & polyam

she's 18 during the events of aa4 and saw all four of the cases in person (4-1 from the gallery, and 4-2 through 4-4 while working alongside Klavier)

she had a crush on Klavier when she was a kid and it kinda faded while they weren't in touch but it comes back full force when she meets him again (and she's exceptionally awful at hiding it)

she has been asking for a cat since she was a child and only gets one after she moves out of her family's home because she was always either moving around too much in Europe or, once in the states, phoenix moves in and he's allergic

she's legally 5 feet tall but medically she's 4'11". she lied on her drivers license and her id and doesn't feel bad for it.

she spent a good portion of her life thinking of gay as the 'default' because so few of the people she interacted with were straight. she came out as straight to her family and is still embarrassed about it years down the line

she gets into a relationship w/ Klavier and Apollo at some point. still workshopping when exactly i just know she ends up w them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#ts4 #sims 4 #ts4 lookbook #acv attorney oc #ace attorney #misc screenies #sim; Liesel #she originally had a much darker backstory but it made us too sad to think about in detail so i scrapped it and now it's far less upsetting #anyway. my blorbo my scrimblo my babygirl look at her #this post took so long i've been working on it since yesterday </3 #wcifs are open btw!! i'm not gonna list everything she wears bc that list would be Too Long but i'll answer asks about stuff <3

16 notes · View notes

mattodore · 6 months

Text

he's waiting on a call he's planning to send straight to voicemail

#sorry matthias </3 maybe he'll pick up the next time you try calling............ <- me when i lie #river dipping #ts4 #ts4 edit #gifs #theodore doe #echthroi #hi friends and lovers hope everyone's doing well <3 #i got my old laptop to work so i have a laptop again even if the battery on it is messed up #but still #i haven't been online much bc i've started getting dizzy from staring at computer/phone screens for too long #and in particular the act of scrolling either on mobile or desktop makes my head spin and my eyes hurt :/#but i powered through it yesterday so i could get in game with theo (and matthias) since i missed him really bad... oc plague be upon ye #i took... well. like five hundred screenshots and forty videos... i was in the soup. the mattodore soup. what can i say?#i don't like posting too much on here bc. i'm crazy (<- has avpd) so i probably won't post much from yesterday's fun here #but i'll post whatever i want on pillowfort <3 pic of jerma holding out his hand captioned let's take mattodore together #what else should i say before leaving... right my inbox... well i'll get to it eventually <- have been saying this since october sorry #but okay i've been staring at my screen too long so i need to go lay down for a bit #enjoy theo in motion!! if you’re a theo-head like myself #theodite à la jermamite? hm. its in the works. i’m workshopping.#mentioning jerma twice in these tags… busting a cyanide pill onto my tongue i’ve said too much #i have to go now mwah mwah mwah bye warmth and love to you mwah

249 notes · View notes

fe-fictions · 9 months

Text

I can't believe I have to post about this a second time in a year, but I have another sick kitty...

We lost our senior cat Henry in February, it was just time for him to go. He was a handsome and wonderful 14 years old, and had been with us since we were children.

And not long after we lost him, my sibling and I (we live together) decided the apartment was just too empty without him...we were missing the warmth and the joy that a sweet kitty cat brought with him.

So we each adopted our very own cats; a handsome long-haired 3 month old boy named Gojo, and a beautiful short-haired 5 month old girl named Luisa.

Luisa is my baby girl. She was born in September, the same month as me, and she's my whole world. But the last few days, she's been eating less, playing less, and getting more and more docile and lethargic.

I took her to the emergency vet today because she wasn't eating at all and was hiding since yesterday morning. He told me that she had an auto immune disorder, and was extremely anemic.

He gave me three options; try steroids and antibiotics, see if she responds to them, or they could hospitalize her and give her a blood transfusion, which was way, way too expensive...if I had the money I would've done it in a heartbeat, and it breaks my heart to think that I could've done more for her if I had a better job and could provide for my baby more. And the third option was to put her to sleep there, because her odds were slim.

I chose the option to get her medication, which was a quarter the cost of a hospitalization, and he assured me typically saw really good results, but that sometimes it would take a few days or a week or two before seeing improvement.

I gave her the first dose as soon as we got home, got her set up in my room, but she's still not eating, won't go to the bathroom, and I'm just really, really worried that I'm gonna have to say goodbye to her, before she's even a year old.

I'm just not ready to say goodbye again. Twice in the same year, two of my sweet babies. I am not ready to do that again. It happened so fast. The shelter I got her at likely had no idea she was sick; she showed no signs of it until just a few days ago. I hate that she's so fragile, and that I can't do enough for her. It's just crushing.

I want to try and focus on the positive, and hope that she's gonna pull through in the next few days. I'm just so sad, because it wasn't that long ago I saw this behavior in a dying cat. I know what it looks like, I felt it, I could see it. And I'm not ready to do that again.

I was supposed to have at least ten years with this slinky little baby. I don't want to believe that I'm gonna have to say goodbye to her. I won't know for at least a few days; but if she stops eating and she can't go to the bathroom, I don't know where to go from there.

I just wanted to vent, I wanted to let you all know that's what I'm dealing with right now. I hope you'll continue to have patience with me, and to those who commissioned art from me, I'm gonna work hard to get it done ASAP since it's already been a while, and I just need to do something to keep my mind off of what's going on right now.

But yeah. That's what's going on at this moment, and so if I sort of disappear for a little while or my posts go a while without anything, that's why.

Thanks for being so sweet, you guys are such a wonderful group of fellow FE enthusiasts and I love writing for you all. It's without a doubt the group of the friendliest and sweetest people I've ever run into; whenever awful things were going on, IRL or online, I would always come here because the drama or the stressful mess would never reach it; this place is my little safe haven haha

So thank you for being here, and thank you for listening and for your patience! I'll do everything I can to keep up.

- chiyo

34 notes · View notes

vegasandhishedgehog · 1 year

Text

Okay friends of the MDZS/The Untamed fandom

If you've seen my previous post about making lotus root and pork rib soup, you know the journey I've been on. If you'd like to try making the soup yourself, a link to the recipe is toward the end of the OG post. That one got a little long with all the additions and extra advice from friends, but since I've made it again I'm reporting the results. Why I feel the need to do so is beyond me but this is the only genuine cooking I do and I deserve to be proud of every attempt, so if this annoys you, imagine these faces:

I will give a disclaimer that I had meant to make this soup a week and a half earlier but the mental illness was too strong, so yesterday I forced myself to push through the mental illness anyway so I wouldn't waste too many ingredients (we still wasted some 😔). So, alas, this soup had no ginger and half as much lotus root as desired, plus I forgot to read how much seaweed I was actually supposed to use (way less than what I used), and completely omitted the chopped scallion even though I had it ready because I just. Forgot to actually add it.

We carry on.

In all of my past versions of this soup, I didn't include the rehydrated seaweed. I was advised to give it a go this time and ...well. 😅

That bowl is a good 9 inches in diameter and 3 inches deep. And I took that photo AFTER adding a liberal amount of seaweed to the pot. Yes, I rehydrated the whole package. I didn't think about anything other than, "I'm finally adding the final step to this recipe I've been following!" and entirely missed that it only calls for 1 cup. [Hold on. Googling how long rehydrated seaweed be stored right now. OMG YOU CAN FREEZE IT THANK HEAVEN.]

This is me scooping out all the fuckin seaweed that entirely took over the soup 😅😅😅😅😅😅

Remember how I said there was half as much lotus root? Yeah, this is seaweed soup with a hint of pork now. Good luck finding any slices of lotus root.

I had also assumed that this seaweed would be salted (the packaging was NOT in English, but honestly I can't blame the label for this). I had certainly added what I thought was already a generous amount of salt but let's remind ourselves that I am barely a cook by any means. This girl doesn't know shit about how much salt should go into 12 quarts of water to add enough taste. I did go heavy on the goji berries though.

This resulted in the broth being mainly pork and goji berry water :/ if I'd had the motivation to go out and buy fresh ginger and remembered the scallion I'm sure it would've been better (and more salt obviously), but hopefully I'll be in better spirits next time I make an attempt. I learned a lot from this one.

The one thing I am proud of though?

Look at how clear that broth is. The oily bubbles are from the meat, and I also apologize I don't know if it's my phone's camera or my photography skills, but if it doesn't look clear to you I promise it does irl! I didn't use any of the cooking wine or soaking the meat with the ginger like @of-sevenseas suggested, but just by following the process in the recipe and making extra sure I washed the meat well this time, it seemed to work out!

Lessons learned:

Making soup while having a bad mental illness day is not a failed endeavor, but watch out.

Don't do this without ginger. What are you doing. That soup is wet stuff in hot water.

ADD MORE SALT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU CANNOT BE THIS WHITE.

Read the recipe including measurements. Cooking is, of course, more improvisational than baking, but there's a reason we follow guidelines. Especially when we're rookies, still.

Next time we're gonna try the cooking wine and ginger thing with the meat. It sounds like an adventure.

Celebrate your wins!!!! I did have a success in this attempt!

I also did very well keeping the cat away from this whole 7 hour process, which is the greatest success of all.

(Obligatory kitty pic, since I mentioned her. Meet Lucy everyone. She's hiding under my blankets from the loud scary generator outside my window.)

#lotus root and pork rib soup #mdzs #the untamed #wangxian #yunmeng siblings #jiang yanli #wei wuxian #maddi's cooking (mis)adventures #also y'all gonna start recognizing my kitchen counters if i keep this up

24 notes · View notes

xpc-web-dev · 1 year

Text

Updates: I was self-sabotaging and in the end I almost missed two good opportunities.

How are you? I hope well.

I've had more instabilities in the last few days (if you follow me around here, you already know that this seems to be routine HEHUEHEH)

But things are improving and I've set some goals that have helped me feel more confident about where to go next.

Now I wanted to share news, what I learned in this process and what I will share from now on.

The prints above are from processes/scholarships that I was accepted.

The first is the Big data Engineer training proposed by a startup in the state where I live.

The second is training focused on the front-end (from Html to React.js and other soft skills)

The second one I applied for in February and I didn't even expect to be accepted, I took a simple question test and sent it on. This month I received acceptance and I was like "look how cool, I think I can learn well and the bank that sponsors it is famous in my country, so it will be nice to have it on my resume".

This is just a training, no possibility of hiring.

The first is precisely the point of self sabotage that I want to talk about.

Everything involving Data/AI is complex and a hell of a responsibility for me, so it's for everyone, but you have to put in a lot of effort. First I did the test there was SQL (I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING UHEUHEUE, Only with google searches and logic I got it) . And then there were issues with Matrix and Vectors AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO GRATEFUL TO NOVEMBER/DECEMBER BEA.

Thanks to all those exercises I managed to do (I just don't know how many I got right and how many I got wrong).

BUT here comes the self-sabotage I applied or signed up for this vacancy more than 3 times (the good and bad thing is that the platform kept the test, so it was only the first one I took) I was ALWAYS like: "I won't make it." "It's going to be too long for me", "I don't even have a background in math (they don't ask for math as a requirement, just a language and sql)", "I won't be approved", " I'm horrible at logic, even if I pass it will go wrong."

And so this week, before they reveal who passed, I wrote to myself again, with the feeling of "Whatever happens and that's it".

The result was yesterday but as nothing appeared in my email I thought,"I didn't pass and it's ok, let's continue with java"

-Yes, I started Java because I signed up for a Kotlin bootcamp sponsored by a good company. The best of this bootcamp could participate in their selection process. They don't pay well, but it would be enough to keep me going, so I just went.-

When I saw the notification in the email today I was in shock for many minutes, before and after HUEUEHUUE. "Did I really pass?"

In this program you can also have access to participate in the company's selection process. But no guarantee 100% work at the end.

I will try to focus more on the issue of doing my best in training and having it on my curriculum. (Strategy to regulate my anxiety). I want to work there, but I don't control the future, so I'll just focus on doing my best.

And this is where I wanted to encourage anyone reading this to try even if they don't think they can.

If I hadn't written myself again for the 4th time this week I wouldn't be in this training that will be good for my CV since I want to go to Artificial Intelligence.

Is afraid? Go scared! You can cross good doors and achieve things you never imagined. So for your future and also past versions, always try to believe or pretend to believe in yourself.I'm still trying, believe me

NOW WHAT WILL I POST?

I will post my routine with each of the classes.

First I'll need to level up my Python and SQL. So even though the big data training starts this week (it will be every day) the first week along with that I'm finishing that python course and practicing SQL.

While Big data will be every day from 19:00 2 hours each class, but I don't know how many classes a day yet. The Front-end are recorded classes and only 1 day a week we have live meetings and I'll probably have to reconcile both, but that's a problem for the future UHEHUEUE.

Maybe I'll separate it into 2 posts so I don't get so confused since they are different things.

I'm excited and wish those of you who are reading and trying to learn code to get good learning opportunities or jobs in the midst of everything that's going on.

Drink water and have a great weekend.

30 notes · View notes

writeious-hand · 1 year

Text

Holding Out for a Hero: Part 3

I agree with the comment, the last part got very serious. I have time, here is a little Easter gift for anyone who has liked the story thus far. I've started rolling a die for characters making checks (you'll see later) and using that for writing.

This section is more about Alariel and Xenk's past, do enjoy less angst. Links to earlier parts under the cut.

Xenk X Cleric!OC

No Beta, we die like men.

______________________________________________________________

"If it makes you feel any better, both Edgin AND Doric chewed him out."

Alariel looked up to see the muscle-bound woman, Holga, standing at the entrance to her tent. It had been an hour or so since she had met the barbarian.

"I stand by what I said. I cannot travel with you, not with him. Besides, with him here you really don't need me."

"I didn't come here to ask you to help us again." Alariel looked up at her in confusion. Holga sat down beside her on the cot. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I know how shitty it can be running into your ex."

"Oh." She didn't know what to say. Maybe it was because she was used to doing all of the looking after. Alariel hadn't had someone to look after her in quite some time.

"So should we be calling you Alariel or Lyra?" Holga offered her one of the rolled calligrapher's tool sets that had been set out to be placed into her bag of holding.

"Either is fine. One of the younger children had some difficulty pronouncing my name, and it sort of stuck with the people of the community. It was sweet." Her hands stilled in packing as she smoothed the leather cover of a journal.

"You don't have to leave since we showed up. Don't wanna chase you out of your home." Holga looked closer at the young woman. She appeared to be younger than her, but it was always hard to tell with elves. If this one knew Xenk, she was at least 100 years older than her.

"No, this just gives me a reason to finally move on. Like I had said, I lingered here too long anyway." She took a stack of her journals in hand and continued her packing.

"If you don't mind me asking, where will you go?"

"I've been heading to the Sword Coast for a while now. I haven't been in a city in some time, so perhaps I will make my next stop in Waterdeep before heading up to Neverwinter. I know I could spend the next century in either place and never hear the same story twice."

"It's funny you mention that..."

And that was how Alariel learned that the odd band of adventurers who were looking for her help were actually the heroes of Neverwinter. By the time Holga had finished telling her version of the story, Alariel had to set out her Orb of Light and had practically filled a scroll with the details.

"This still doesn't make sense..." Lyra's brow was furrowed. "You are still being chased by these assassins?"

"We lost them most recently around the Goldfields. I chopped one up real good and threw the parts in the river." Lyra was both disgusted and impressed at the barbarian's work.

"But why isn't Xenk just smiting them?"

"Doing what?"

"Smiting. You know, holy radiance on the blade... thundering force... banishing fiends?" Holga still gave her a blank stare.

"I mean, his sword-dagger glowed when he was fighting that assassin in the Underdark?" Alariel gave a small shake of her head. Why wasn't Xenk using his paladin abilities? A soft glow to his blade could be compelled duel, but she had seen firsthand the brilliance of his devotion. Why wouldn't he have killed them the first time? Destroying the undead was part of his mission.

"Anyway-" Alariel knew she couldn't get invested in this new mystery, no matter how much she wanted to, "I think I've kept you up late enough as is. Humans need more sleep than elves do, yes? Thank you again for letting me record your story."

"No problem. I was curious after seeing how many books you had in your tent. What the fuck is up with that?"

Lyra shook her head, and laughed at the crude language of her new friend. "No wonder you all are so confident in my abilities to defeat Thay assassins. I'm no war cleric, I am a follower of Deneir."

"The Scribe of Oghma?"

"The God of Glyphs and Images?"

Holga's eyes lit up with recognition. "The candle with the eyeball!"

Lyra deflated and looked at Holga confused and a bit concerned. "How in Oghma's name did you know that, but not his domains?"

"My ex-husband used to frequent this bookstore, and it had a little shrine in the window. I asked one day who it was for."

Not long after their discussion, Holga left to meet with the other members of her makeshift family. They had found a section of the shanty town where they were allowed to pitch a tent. While Simon, Kira, and Doric were trying to get the tent out of the opening in Simon's bag of holding, Edgin still was pacing back and forth in front of Xenk, who looked to be meditating on a bare patch of ground.

"A note!? You left her alone with a note-"

Xenk seemed to be ignoring him at this point, but Edgin had said the same speech about 9 times.

"-You were engaged! How does this not come up in conversation, I mean really you think you know a guy.-"

Holga walked up to the tent-pitching group. "Hey bug, think your old man will run out of steam any time soon?"

"I don't think so." Kira looked between the paladin and her father, "Not only did he royally embarrass himself, but with love you know he's always had this sense of self-righteous honor."

"Well I for one," Simon interrupted, "would love it if he would stop. Maybe then I could finally concentrate on getting these poles to stay up."

Doric rolled their eyes, "Sure like that's the issue."

Suddenly, Xenk turned toward the outside of the village. Standing, he drew in a deep breath. Glancing around, he drew his sword,

"They have found us."

#hofah hat 3 #xenk x oc #xenk the paladin #xenk yendar #dnd hat #dnd movie #fanfiction #fanfic #my writing #no beta we die like men #my oc #cleric!oc #dnd #honor among thieves #light angst

26 notes · View notes

sucktacular · 10 months

Text

Cw health scare, passing out, food mention, weed + being high, mention of blood work/needles

Had a yucky time last night that was very scary and wanna vent about it

and honestly kinda hope maybe someone that has low blood sugar moments or panic attacks or whatever the fuck could give me some insight if you're comfy doing so!!

Other wise just ignore this post :3 I'm okay now! But obv will get it looked at, prommy.

Also cw disordered eating... I don't mean to do it for any particular reasons I'm just very bad at remembering to eat, eating enough, and having too low energy to make anything lately. I got fresh groceries yesterday night tho so I'll be back to eating right for a bit.

So I uh nearly passed out at 3am alone in my kitchen trying to make a sandwich and I'm kinda pissed that my body is shitting out on me and now I gotta go to the human mechanic and get my stuff looked over cuz uh... Not normal happenings

I got up after laying down in bed for a while trying to sleep but got hungry and I was a little zooted too to be fair. Collected myself. Got all dressed to leave my room and was totally fine. If it was from standing up too fast it should have definitely hit me by that point but I was fine.

Went down and took all the things out of the fridge I needed for a sandwich. Slow and meticulous , not too fast cuz I was stoned and like to take my time to be quiet. Opened the bread, got a plate, opened the mayo, mayo'd my bread, then I went to open the deli chicken and started greying out and getting really light headed and weak and shakey and cold. So I waited a moment and it kept getting worse so I sat down and propped myself in the corner of my cabinets to try and help. Drank my chocolate milk and tried to wait it out. I've had low blood sugar act like that before- cold, shakey, grey vision, weak, etc - cuz I've kind of always been really bad at making sure I eat meals and last night i had just been eating chips, crackers, and chocolate pretzels all night. Snjcjsbjdks. I've been snackless for a few days so I NEEDED snack overload.

Anyway it kept getting worse over the minute or two to the point my vision was like white and black tv static with tunnel vision. my head felt super pressurized and I couldn't hear? I've had tinnitus since I was a tiny child but it really felt like those movies when everything is muffled and all you can hear is a very tiny faint high pitch ring. I could barely hear my tinnitus which was ... Deafeningly silent and that's WEIRD. I've never heard... Nothing? So that was scary. My whole body felt sweaty and hot and I just didn't know really what to do.

I think it was low blood sugar but + weed made me have a panic attack? Maybe? Or really bad low blood sugar. Because I HAVE been having light headed episodes and feeling weak lately... Which I chocked up to vitamin deficiencies (B12, D, or iron are problems of the past so I started taking those every day for the past week or so.)

Kind of super mad doctor I saw last week insisted I don't need blood work and to just take my new meds, cuz there's definitely something going on here and while blood work probably wouldn't have stopped last night's episode from happening, at the very least I could be a step closer today than i am. :(

Uhm... Yeah anyway it was really scary and I was on the floor in the kitchen with just Frankie watching me for a hot maybe 2-5minutes... Hard to tell how long. Not a super long time but more than just like 1-2 minutes. Felt better. Tried to get up and finish sandwich making. Got grey and weak again. Sat down some more. EVENTUALLY my vision and hearing went back to normal. Finished my sandwich weakly and packed the stuff away sloppily and had to turn the hallway light on cuz I couldn't see in the dark at all. Went to my bed and ate my sandwich and still felt fucked but eventually went right back to normal.

I do still feel airy headed and not totally alert but that's been kinda how it's been this past few weeks.

So uh... Mmm. Don't like that at all. Phone on me all the time now. Doctor visit again soon for this issue specifically. Partner suggested it sounded like a panic attack or when they get a vasovagal response to needles and nearly pass out. I definitely got scared and panicked cuz it was awful and scary and felt like I was dying. I did some 5seconds in 5 seconds out breathing exercises and it helped quite a bit to calm and focus me in the moment. Which was neat! They ain't lying about those exercises even if you don't know what you're doing. Focus on the counting and the breathing in and out softly.

Uhm.... So yeah if anyone actually genuinely has a comment or experience with that I'd love to hear. Otherwise I'm okay so far today and keeping an eye on it...

Problem also is I don't... Well, I have agoraphobia basically and it's very hard for me to go to a doctor without help from a friend or my partner and I can't figure out any online telehealth things in Ontario that don't cost money or aren't just for prescription renewals so uh not sure what to really do. I know I need to get it looked into but my GOD you know how fear will make you not care for yourself? Gestures. I'm trying so hard not to jump to the conclusion that it might be pre diabetes because my family has no history thankfully but the signs arent looking good..

#sucktacular sucks #me: im gonna be so safe about my info online. no tracking me!!!#me also so heres all the health conditions im struggling with yall lol #mostly a vent but also like dont be shy if u do have a thought about it #cuz it helps me look into it until i can get to a doctor to talk about it. I WILL. but it might be moment

7 notes · View notes

jbarkerstargazer · 1 year

Text

So I've had a hard month.

I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me and I am aware that posting this appears that I am looking for that. Well I'm not. Talking (or you know writing) helps. So that's what I'm doing. I'm gonna put it under the break. It's your choice to read on.

Be aware of mental health triggers. Break down, self harm.

I've been trying to get help with one of my children since 2021 now. And by help I mean going to doctors, nurses and school needing her to be assessed as her behaviour been just tearing our family apart.

I thought I was handling it. Getting up at 6am. Getting 3 kids under 8 ready and off to school. Going straight to work, working 9 till 6, home kids to bed. Weekends filled with day long trips out on Saturday and Sundays spent at the in-laws. Keeping on top of the house. Taking on extra duties at work.

I was happy doing all these things, I really was and so I didn't see that I was cracking. About a month ago while trying to get everyone ready for school said child started acting up. While I did not hurt her my actions did. I scared her and when she tried to get away from me she banged her face off the breakfast table and she bit her lip. It bled everywhere. I went into shock.

My husband took the kids to school and he wanted to be able to help me. The school called Social Services as I was calling the mental health crises team. As a result of the injury my child suffered do to my mental health Social services have told me I can not be alone with my children. They have spent less the half of the last month in their own beds as my husband works nights so they are at their grandparents houses.

Social services want my mental health to be in a better place before they will start to lift this supervision order however my mental health nurse has said that my mental health got worse in the days after the event because of the supervision order.

The supervision order has also meant that LANDO had to do a report. This report was given to my employer but not me. (I'll have to submit a freedom of information act to see it.) As I work with children my employer of 4 years fired me. All the local nursery managers are on a WhatsApp together so I can never return to childcare now.

My relationship with my husband is falling apart because of all this. I blame him for taking the children into school. He says he thought taking them in explaining I'd had a breakdown through the pressures we are under would get both myself and our child the help we need. I'd told him countless times in the past that if we got to breaking point this would happen. That if social services walked though our door I would loss my job and maybe even the kids. He did not trust my judgement. He did not trust our families to come and help us that day. He tells me he loves me and I have no response for him. Yesterday he said he might need antidepressants as everything is getting to him. I had no response. I don't want him to suffer but I also don't want him to be happy. Right now he is inconvenienced, my life has imploded.

People don't ask for help the system just makes it worse.

8 notes · View notes

jennilah · 1 year

Text

Happy NYE! Every year I enjoy taking a moment to write a somewhat lengthy roundup of my year, good and bad. Its a moment for me to reflect and summarize & expand on things that in hindsight ended up being bigger moments than it felt at the time

like always, I dont want anyone to feel like you have to compare your successes to mine. I simply enjoy being an open book. I like reading other people's personal posts too ♥

This year was incredible for me. This was the year of taking back my life after covid took the last two years. Vaccinated & approaching things as safely as possible according to health guidelines, I was able to do things again, and boy what good things they were!

First off, this was the first full calendar year that I've spent in the new apartment. I swear, this accounts for at least a third of my happiness this year. I can't believe I've already lived here for over a year now, it feels like I just moved in yesterday, and yet I can't believe I dealt with my old apartment for as long as I did. Even thinking about how much that place sucked ass ruins my mood, no wonder my mental health was TANKING when I had to work from home there.

New apartment, new me. This place is incredible and I really feel like I can breathe and live how I want to. Working from home is actually nice instead of unbearable (I now work in a hybrid system, home for a few days and in-office for a few days, since I like aspects of both equally.)

First things first, right away in January I got my first VR headset and I absolutely love it to pieces. That opened up a whole new hobby for me, going into VR and exploring and making whole ass new friends in VRchat. I just think it's so fucking rad and I am so glad i bought the headset.

I then joined a new private art community (lmao that sounds so nefarious. I promise it isnt. I just get to have 1 secret, okay?) that has been so fun and really uplifted my mood at the start of the year, and it continues to be very fun! I am so glad I joined!!!

In fact, that very community helped a lot when it came to silencing my two-year-long streak of "Hell Brain", what I affectionately call the daily swirling anxious thoughts in my head that constantly echo when I dont have a special interest to occupy my daydreams. (Reminder: I am autistic! I am using the term in the autistic sense. By this point, i hadn't had a special interest/hyperfocus in years and I was having a really hard time silencing the Hell Brain on my own.)

It wasnt a perfect solution but it helped a lot, at least. It also drew me even closer to an already-close friend! bonding, yay! and I have met some really cool new people in that community too, who I really hope to keep connecting with!!

I also started to get real about my physical health, trying to eat healthier and exercise more.

Then, the summer of a lifetime began.

(First of all, I saw so many fucking movies. I love going to the movies, and I ate well this year!!! so many amazing films came out.)

I had my first salary negotiation with my bosses, and it went so well that they even asked the higher-ups for more money than I asked for. Because they were super cool, and I guess they wanted to make it very clear how much they appreciate me too. They have already made it extremely clear already how much they value my opinions and skillset, but translating that appreciation to $$ was certainly a bonus.

Then, my fucking god, Top Gun: Maverick finally came out and it has felt like a dream ever since. I couldn't believe- I still can't believe the reception it has gotten. My head is in the clouds. I'm floating. I'm every happy feeling, okay? I wonder if I will ever work on something like that again, that becomes such a worldwide phenomena like this. Completely utterly blown-away. I saw the movie 3 times in theaters myself, so I cant say I'm too shocked. I loved it too!!! I am so proud and just... amazed.

Shortly after, I got to fly home and see my family again for the first time since 2019. I made the most of it. It was one of the most fun trips home I ever had. It was even more fun that I got to see Top Gun with my parents, and I got to finally talk about it with people. It was also fun being home in the summer, hanging out outside, pool parties, BBQ... perfection. I love the vibes of summer nights.

I came back to Montreal refreshed, and then Con Season started up. Comic/Anime cons are probably my favorite events ever, and I was very sad not being able to go to any in the last two years. So it felt amazing to go back again (and buy a lotttt of nerdy stuff lmao)

I even went to a virtual convention in VR! lmao. it was super cool though!

I went to a Woodkid concert for the first time. It was incredible. It also felt like a dream. A+, would go again. Absolutely love his music.

My cousin visited me here in Montreal! That was so much fun. She's the closest thing to a sister to me, and we hadn't hung out just the two of us alone since we were kids. We went to Osheaga, my first music festival, and that whole experience was incredibly fun. It was great hanging out with her and catching up and everything, and I am so glad we got to go to the festival together.

She also helped me try weed for the first time LOL

She taught me how to properly use a bong. I have since switched to a dry-herb vaporizer, but indeed this is a new sort of hobby thing that has slotted into my life this year as well.

It has actually been quite lovely for tackling my aforementioned Hell Brain and anxiety, and also just for funsies.

Then, Prey came out, and I consider it another absolute win. Two movies I worked on that came out in the same year, that have both been critical and fan successes??!!! I am so, so happy. Will lightning strike like that again next year? We will just have to see!

Then there was a really fun street food festival that I thoroughly enjoyed for hours and hours on end. And Splatoon 3 came out, which I also enjoyed for hours and hours on end.

I definitely heavily mourned summer ending, because as you can tell, I was having a lot of fun cramming in events before the weather could turn.

But, like, that's kind of okay because I had no idea that my two year long streak of not having a special interest was about to change VERY suddenly lmao

This October I worked up the courage to really dive into slasher films, like I tried doing last year. (Last year I only really worked up the courage to watch the first Halloween, lol)

and, well, oops. you know what happened next.

(In case it isnt clear: they took hold of my brain and have been squeezing the juices out every day since october. meaning: I FINALLY have a new special interest! It's not something I choose, it's not something I plan, it just happens. and while sometimes fandom drama can wear me down, I am ultimately at my happiest when I have an active special interest. It gives me something to fill my brain, it gives me something that I am excited to draw, I have so much fun talking to other fans and enjoying memes, I discover new music, old music has new meaning again for new characters.... I missed this feeling so much. It feels so good it makes my chest feel tight, like I have butterflies in my stomach. I never know how long it will last, but it's not going away soon thats for sure)

So, I've obviously been having a lot of fun with my new blorbos and my new hobbies. Sometimes I smoke a little weed while rewatching Friday the 13th films, it's so much fun haha

Then, late November, I was accepted into the Visual Effects Society. That is more of a personal badge of honor. It's something I've been wanting to do since college, so as soon as I hit the required 5 years of industry experience I applied. I got in! I am excited to check out some of the more exclusive membership perks and events, but for the most part I am just proud of the achievement. I remember when 5 years felt like a lifetime to wait to apply.

I have been working on some more extremely cool things at work that I can't wait to share. Unfortunately I am waiting for a whopping three films to come out with a trailer. Cmon, hollywood!! You're killing me!!!!! I am so excited for those movies to come out, it's eating me alive not being able to say anything.

At least the Transformers: Rise of the Beasts trailer is out. That was a fun 'un. (But I want the trailers for the other things too!!!!)

And to round off the year, I just got back to MTL after finally spending Christmas at home with my family for the first time since 2019. That felt really special. I got to see everyone in the summer, yes, but our traditional family christmas get-together is what I look forward to every year and I was so glad to be able to do it again.

And there you have it. A much, much, much happier year than the last two.

My new year's resolution is to keep going with the physical health habits and to not fall off the wagon. It's also to keep living my life and go to more events to make next year feel just as full and eventful as this one was. Hang out with my friends more. Watch more of my silly little movies.

I'd also love to try to plan a trip outside of montreal, maybe to Toronto or something. I want to go on a real vacation trip alone again (or with friends.) I think that would be really fun!

#jennilargh #personal

20 notes · View notes

sege-h · 4 months

Text

Thoughts on the State of Play reveal

Under a readmore just in case

1- I know I said I'd keep the Son*dow tag blocked for a bit after Prime ended but I think I'll keep it blocked till the end of the year now lmao

2- I know the rumor has been going around since yesterday but I took it with a grain of salt since it's. Yknow. A rumor. But even when I let myself think 'what if its real tho' this is SO FAR FROM WHAT I EXPECTED. A!!! I thought at most we'd get is a remaster that'd also make Shadow playable! As soon as I saw the new level I was like WAIT WHAT. WAIT WHAT!!?!? and it just kept going from there!!!

I'm so happy we'll be getting a HD biolizard fight! He'll no longer be contained to the 3DS! Also from what little we saw Shadow will get to have some dynamic posing in the boss fights, like Super Sonic did in Frontiers. Good! I loved those!

3- Ian Flynn has #KnowingSmile'd the announcement and I'm hoping this means he got to write for whatever new content there is.

And speaking of Frontiers! I'm hoping that this ends up being Shadow's 'Frontiers' moment. In that his writing and character get what Amy's, Tails', and Knuckles' did in Frontiers.

4-I had the stream off to the side in another tab since I wasn't interested in most of what was shown. And then I heard the first few notes of the Generations music and i immediately switched tabs and I just!!! Feel like I did in 2011 except my computer/internet is way better, and you tube is shittier!

5- I'm excited for this for such Me reasons. For those new here- I live in a country that had no Sonic stuff for...well, never, really. Not until about 2022. The second movie did what I'd hoped the first movie would do (but then the pandemic happened) and brought over Sonic stuff here. For the first time in my life I went to a toy store here and it had Sonic stuff. I got to buy physical Sonic comics for the first time. For the first time in my life I can go to a video game store and actually see Sonic games there. It's been wild

That being said, 2011 had Nothing. Sonic Generations came out. And I didn't want to pirate it because a friend of mine had worked on it. I was determined to find it. And I only saw it irl one time- for the Playstation. A console I've never had. It was pretty upsetting! I remember posting about it here even....I've been on tumblr too long SHDGSHDHS

Later I'd find that there was a 3DS version. I have that! So I looked for that version of it alongside the PC one

So, for almost a decade, I looked, to no avail. And for this whole time I refused to look at any playthroughs! Any knowledge I had on whats in the game came from the trailers we saw

And then in 2019 my best friend helped me buy the 3DS version. I had 9 dollars on my 3DS and whenever the game went on sale it'd be on for 10 dollars. So he gave me a dollar and helped me get it SHDGSHDH

So I finally experienced Generations! It was surprise after surprise in that one, because I knew it was different but I didn't know how. I didn't expect a Rush level in it, or for the Biolizard to be in there!

And then in late 2020 when I got my new computer and could finally get steam, another close friend got me Generations for the PC! I'd somehow managed to dodge spoilers on it all those years so all I knew about it was: Theres Green Hill, Chemical Plant, City Escape, and a Silver boss fight.

I got to play modern City Escape for myself- which is the level that inspired the current iteration of my main OC, Storm. It was a joy

All this rambling to say...it's wild to think that once this remaster comes out, I'll be able to get it day 1, at least I hope I will. Still-it won't take me almost a decade to get to it

And if there's a physical release? I'll be able to go to a store here- HERE, not in one of our neighboring countries, not from somewhere else, but in a store here. Right across the street. And I'll finally have a physical copy of Generations. That was my final goal with the game-- I love it, I have two versions of it! And the plan was always that even though I'd gotten to play them now, if I ever ran into a physical copy of the game, I'd buy it. And now I'll really get to do it

6- Bonus thought of me being silly: Wowow my OC was shown at the State of Play--

#Personal #Sonic spoilers #Generations #Sege rambles

2 notes · View notes

idrilka · 1 year

Text

watchlist tag game!

tagged by @phneltwrites!

here's what i am currently watching/have just watched/am planning to watch (spoilers: it's all kdramas):

just finished:

hospital playlist: 10/10, ultimate comfort watch, i love everyone in this bar. it took us a while to finish the second season but it was so, so worth it. i laughed, i cried, i'm going to miss them so much.

weak hero class 1 (immediate rewatch): 11/10, never expected to get clotheslined by another stellar drama in the span of less than six months bad enough that it made me immediately want to go write fic, but here we are. i'm going to write a separate rec post for this one, but for all the school 2013/heungsoon enjoyers out there, this is required watching. it has everything: amazing acting, stellar storytelling, so, so much incredibly well-executed tension, unhinged, violent high schoolers, revenge, useless adults, failing institutions and social commentary on the cycles of abuse. also some of the best chemistry between the leads i've seen in a long while. (what i mean is: since my country: the new age.)

currently watching:

duty after school: since we're apparently on a school setting kick, we went straight from weak hero to this one, and it's been also really good so far. the premise sounds delightfully weird at first (aliens come to earth in the shape of strange spheres hanging in the sky, and in anticipation of the possible attack, third-year high school students get enrolled into an afterschool military training program in exchange for additional points on their university entrance exam, since early admissions have been cancelled), but things go to hell pretty quickly.

hometown cha-cha-cha: aka the drama we started last summer, but we are continuing our tradition of watching an episode or two, then taking a break for two months before watching another episode or two, so everything is going according to plan here. good for when you want a low-stakes, chill drama with some pretty views.

save me: we watched the first episode and we'll definitely continue. so far it's intriguing and creepy, and it has woo dohwan in it, so i'm guaranteed some aesthetic crying if nothing else.

racket boys: for when you're missing haikyuu. we also watched the first episode and we'll definitely continue at some point, because sometimes all you want is to watch a bunch of kids enthusiastic about a sport overcome the odds through hard work and the power of friendship.

joseon attorney: lmao, let me tell you, this was not love at first sight. i hated the first ~40 minutes of the first episode and barely managed to finish. fortunately, it improved a bit in the last 20 minutes or so, and i'm intrigued enough to give it another try, but oh boy, that was a struggle.

kingdom: watched the first two episodes, it looks amazing, and we will definitely continue.

to-watch list:

the eighth sense: i want to watch this so bad, but all the reactions of those of my friends who are watching it only confirm that i should wait so i can binge it.

school 2013 (rewatch): i've been meaning to rewatch this for ages, especially since i want to write another fic this year, and weak hero just made me want to rewatch it right this second, so.

dr romantic 3: the third season is so close and i need it in my eyeballs like yesterday. i miss all of them so much!

misc: aka everything mentioned above (apart from hometown cha-cha-cha, which we'll continue to watch well into the fall at this pace)

my to-watch list is a lot, lot longer (and includes more of woo dohwan and yang sejong's dramas, as well as other stuff like the uncanny counter or d.p., or things that won't air for a while, like bloodhounds or doona), but listing all of them would take ages, so this is just the stuff i'm intending to watch in the immediate future.

oh, and i'm tagging @dulosis and @grimdarkfandango!

#tag meme #kdramas

10 notes · View notes

stagkingswife · 2 years

Text

I started this yesterday, but needed to walk away from it for a while before I could finish it…

@a-witch-named-crow, this is a big enough topic that I'm pulling it into it's own post, because I can't imaging fitting it all into a reply. I'm also going to put most of it under the cut, because I'm going be very frank about my chronic pain and my relationship with it, and I know that can be a bit much for some people.

I was diagnosed with CRPS when I was a sophomore in high school, this was long enough ago that it had a different name and the only possible treatment options would have involved taking me out of high school to send me to CHOP, or Mayo, or the Cleveland Clinic for intensive physical therapy in the slim hopes that it would normalize the pain. This really crushed me for a little bit. I was one of those kids who sort of was defined by being a good student, I couldn’t imaging my life if I interrupted school in anyway. I had also been told that I should stop dancing, given that it was likely the cause of the pain, and would surely only make it worse. But I had just been cast as Odette in Swan Lake, I was going into Junior year with a heavy class load, I had been promoted to section leader in the marching band, and I was not ready to slow down.

So I decided at 15 that if there were such slim chances of treatment working I wasn't going to put anything on hold for my pain. At the time it wasn’t too bad, I would have flair ups where it was bad, but a normal day was maybe a 2-3 on the scale. I could manage may life with that. I think that was what really set the stage for my relationship with my pain. Once I decided that I wasn't going to slow down I kind of turned it into a motivator. A lot of things came to be about doing things despite my pain. I took great pride in doing everything my able bodied friends were able to do, and sometimes more, despite my pain. That drove me for about 4 years until I was in college, and the other shoe finally dropped.

When things got really bad my junior year of college and I finally actually sought treatment I was severely depressed and suicidal because of the pain. But luckily I already had the diagnosis, which is usually the hard part, and in the intervening four years the treatment options had really changed. I was finally able to get some treatment, both opioid and non-opioid pain medicine, started physical therapy, bio feedback, acupuncture, the whole 9 yards. But the habit was already there, the relationship had already been formed. I have struggled since with admitting how much pain I’m in, and letting myself take the time I need to really manage it, but I’m so used to letting it push me. I’m better at it now almost 10 years later, but I can still fall back into that habit when I have something like a deadline to meet.

I did also learn how to use my pain in my craft. Around the same time as my pain was getting bad I was really developing my traveling skill with Oisin as my teacher. I found my pain was something that I could use to help me in that. With a lot of practice I was able to sort of let my pain wash over me until I wasn't aware of anything else, and then I could let go of my body easier. It was like I could dive down deep into the pain, go through it, and step out into the Otherworlds. I've gotten so good at this method that on particularly bad pain days I’ve found this method to be incredibly fast. There’s been some struggle over the years with not using this skill to avoid my pain, but it has simultaneously really helped me to shift my mindset about my pain as see it as a useful tool rather than as an adversary or a detriment.

From there I started to think about how else I could use my pain in witchcraft and in my religion. I sling a nasty curse because I share my pain liberally when necessary. But I also have a whole ritual that I undertake as part of my devotion to Brona where I take on some of the pain from others, lighten their load. Because what’s a little more when I know I can manage it?

#pagan #witchcraft #the returning #paganism #astral #chronic illness #chronic pain #crps/rsd #crps

26 notes · View notes

recurring-polynya · 8 months

Text

Writing/Art Update 10.24.2023

Well, it's been three weeks since I said I could stop working on Ductwork if I wanted to, and I'm still working on it. (At least I was, as of yesterday. I haven't done any writing yet today and who knows what tomorrow will bring?)

I didn't have quite as many words for this week as I would have liked, but my big goal for this week was to finish Chapter 2, and I did. The wordcount on my document increased quite a bit, but there were two big scenes that were already written and just got copied over (although one of them required some pretty major rewrites, which took up a bunch of time and energy without increasing the wordcount much). In any case, my "clean version" document is now at 17,860 (+5421) with an estimated 2,563 of new words for this week.

Chapter 3 feels a little daunting right now. The first two chapters featured a bunch of flashbacks to Renji getting his arm broken and now that story has been (mostly) told, and the next two chapters transition to having a bunch of flashbacks to the time Rukia got gored by a boar. (This fanfic is really a ride. I am the first one to admit that I jumped the shark three fanfics and I can't believe I am still going). Anyway, it's tricky, because I'm trying to retain themes without being repetitive, and also they need to tie into what's going on in "real time" and also, basically just that I have not planned it out yet, and I do not want to plan it out because my brain hates planning things. I actually have some of the flashbacks written, but I was honestly just freeballing at the time, so I'm not even sure if they're useful at all. So, anyway, I would like to be writing, but I have this planning activity in the way and I very much hate it.

I also got a little bummed because I kinda feel like I am not making any progress on this, despite how long I have been working on. I mean. It's only 2 chapters/18k. That's so little. It's not really, though, there's an entire other document. It's hard to count, because a lot of scenes are in both of them. I did bother to do some accounting, and I actually have more like 37k altogether, which is...more like something, I suppose.

I actually am not really sure how long it's gonna end up. The first two chapters are about 8-9k each, and I think Ch 3 and 4 will follow. The fanfic kind of takes a big transition after that, bisected by the surgery itself. I've sort of been imagining that the post-surgery part will be 1.5-2x the length of the pre-surgery (so, 6-8 chapters), but what I am going to do with all that space? This is the sort of thinking that leads to 100k fanfic. I will try to come up with things to fill the space and then I will have too much stuff. That's just how it is, I guess. Wouldn't it be nice if this could just be, like, 60k, and I could be almost done?

That's enough of my prattling for this week, I think. In other news, I finished the Rukia-and-Renji-have-sex-in-a-cave-in-Hueco-Mundo smut, and you can read it now. Much like the last one, it is, uh, not proving to be particularly popular. I'm not gonna let it stop me. The only way to get the smut you want in the world is to write it yourself, tho, and thanks to the handful of other people who appreciate my vision.

#writing update #art update

6 notes · View notes

whatmylovewhat · 2 years

Text

~Days 2-3/100

Hello y'all! It's been a productive two days!

Yesterday I woke up and began my day by enjoying my alone time in the morning before I had to head to work. I used my time to journal and start working on some school stuff! It's been awhile since I've been in classes so I wanted to give myself a chance to get back into the swing of things before it counts for a grade yet lol. I didn't get too far into things but I for sure got a great start!

8.2.22 Accomplishments

-Took meds

-Started studying for philosophy

-Closing shift at work

-Personal journaling for mental health

Today was equally as great and honestly having the day off from work was very refreshing. I started off my day by going to the gym with my boyfriend. We focused on legs today which we tend to avoid tbh, but I thought it went very well! I came home and continued my work on philosophy.

When I needed a break to refresh my mind after sitting at my desk for so long, I got the idea to finally start painting my new artwork! Before I could paint though, I wanted to go pick up some gouache paints as I've heard they're great!* I traveled to the city because only few art shops near me carry that medium specifically. The little trip out to the downtown was nice because it helped me lessen my fear of the city while also improving my confidence in myself and my ability to do things on my own.

For a long time I've struggled to do things of my own volition and/or go out on my own. This was due to many codependant tendencies I tended to hold onto. I have BPD, (no really, I do. I'm not TikTok self diagnosed lmaooo I was diagnosed by my psychiatrist :p) and that has had a strong affect on my life and most, if not all, relationships I create. As assumed, depression and anxiety are also a byproduct of the mess which is my life, but I think I have finally found some good coping mechanisms, a good therapist, and a much healthier mindset now.

Upon my arrival home I immediately ran to my room, grabbed my paintbrushes, and got to work. As you can see, she is nowhere near finished yet but it was nice to get start on that as well. For the rest of the day I continued my work on philosophy notes at the coffeehouse near me, and that would be the end of my active productivity for the day!

8.3.22 Accomplishments

-Morning gym sesh

-Went to the art store

-Continued philosophy notes

-Started my artwork

Huge THANK YOU to anyone who stuck around for this long post! I hope y'all are healing, being gentle and kind to yourself and others, and enjoying life to it's fullest extent! See y'all soon!

#100 days of productivity #college #student #study motivation #studyblr #studyspo #university #mental health #mental wellbeing #philosophy #happy #art #artwork #art style #illustration #concept art #artists on tumblr

45 notes · View notes

horce-divorce · 4 months

Text

I have hard boundaries for myself about how I use social media that I've followed for the last few years. Ever since I briefly left tumblr and tried twitter, I took so much psychic damage from that experience that I had to make new rules about how I use the internet. Setting app timers did nothing for me, so I compromised: im allowed to use social media daily to my heart's content (which I found isnt actually all that much)- as long as isn't the FIRST thing I open when I wake up.

For YEARS it was my habit to crack open my eyes and click into FB or Twitter or Insta before I even got out of bed. It was like this compulsive Need to Know What's Going On Out There. what did I miss while I was asleep? Never much, but always some new drama, some new political blunder, some new Person of the Day everyone was dunking on. I hated it, but I COULDN'T stop. I physically couldn't resist.

So lately I've tried to replace that habit with, just, something else. Anytime I feel the urge to click into social media, I try using another app instead. Usually it's a game (dvc has been great for me bc of the social feature, but just as often I'll open up my coloring book, wordscapes, or any other game that keeps me busy for 2 seconds and fulfills the "click button get dopamine" urge). Especially first thing in the morning. My brain needs a solid 2-3 hours of consciousness before I can handle social media.

A cool life hack I learned recently is that it's easier to get up in the morning if you do something you actually LIKE to do first thing in the day. it's done wonders for my mental health. I went from "ugh, morning again? It was literally morning yesterday," to feeling like Spongebob hopping out of bed going "IM READY!" every day. Clicking into social media was NOT something I was doing because I liked it. Gaming is something I do because I love it. I love checking on my dragons, it makes me feel HAPPY to have looked at them, i make new friends playing games bc we already have something in common (ive rarely made new friends on social media. I used to make friends ALL THE TIME playing games like neopets, roleplaying and posting on forums, and building little websites and things- ive even made a bunch of friends on tumblr. Never on FB, though). It's a world of difference getting up and checking on my animal crossing villagers, who fill me with glee and delight, vs looking at FB first thing in the morning and feeling bitter about all the people I know who aren't paying attention to me.

So anyway, this has worked SHOCKINGLY well for me? Usually just clicking another app and looking at it for a minute fulfills the urge to have clicked the FB button, or whatever, which then goes away- and I have sated my craving without pissing myself off, and without creating additional urges by going on social media. I have been using social media SO MUCH LESS since I started doing this and I've been feeling amazing for it. And it's not always games. I also use more practical apps like Bearable and Habitica. Sometimes I'll even click thru my photos or notes instead of clicking the social app.

This morning, I broke my habit. For the first time in weeks or maybe even months, I woke up and clicked FB and Insta first thing. I shared a post or two lately and I was hoping my friends had seen it, but I knew they hadn't even before I looked. 2 likes, no comments. I clicked into Instagram and saw a Reel from Kevin James Thornton, a comedian and whole media personality who has over 600k follows on Instagram alone, pleading with his existing fans to choose to check up on him and to sign up for his email list instead, because the algorithm only wants to hook new followers. The 600k existing ones aren't good enough. Gotta have that exponential growth or else our shareholders will be very cross with us!

I realized this morning what it is about FB that makes me so irate, the thing that creates additional urges to post my whole ass and pick fights and be as annoying as possible: because I hate feeling like I'm being ignored. And this is a feeling social media manufactures for you CONSTANTLY. You log on and ONLY see posts that are already popular, posts that are already "getting engagement." Everyone else is clearly online commenting and interacting with all this other stuff except for yours. Why aren't you good enough? Don't they like YOUR posts? Why are they ignoring you? What did you do wrong?

You can KNOW wholeheartedly that Facebook gives incentives to certain posts/posters and that it does the opposite with certain topics, especially socio-political ones. You can know that it's the algorithm refusing to show your posts, and not your friends ignoring you. But still, you have a page, people know how to find you- can't they come to your page to check? Did they forget you exist? Do they just not care? You can SEE they're online, and they can see YOU'RE online, so what's not clicking???

In me, at least, this WILDLY increases the urge to post something dramatic, incendiary, or outrageous just to get a response. OH, you guys don't like me when im being polite and quiet? You'll really hate me when I decide to be annoying on purpose!

Which then increases engagement, providing you with positive reinforcement for posting "controvertial" things, starting fights, posts that provoke people into responding... If you wont choose to interact with my posts? Fine. I'll make the urge fucking irresistible. A positive reinforcement for fighting and doing other unpleasant things we don't like, and supposedly don't want to use social media for, and yet.

It's not merely that posting misinformation and getting in fights is profitable to these platforms. Why is it profitable? Because the more you engage with (read: fight) random strangers, the more other, new people are also exposed to your inflammatory conversations, which in turn sparks a response in them, and so and so forth.

If we all just gained 600k followers and then stopped, and we all saw every update they made, and we all just hung out in our own corners and minded our own business? Sure, that would be lucrative for the creators with all those followers, but Instagram wouldn't be experiencing exponential growth- they need MORE new users, MORE old users spending MORE time on the app, following MORE people, leaving MORE comments, SEEING MORE ADS, because they need more and more and more for their shareholders. Influences are the product just as much as regular users.

I'm thinking about that post that talks about how, as income inequality gets worse and the middle class shrinks, advertising gets more and more aggressive, despite people's ability to spend shrinking with each new day. This feels similar somehow? Like, people are starting to get wise to the fact that social media makes us feel like crap, and that the excuse of "I have to use it to stay connected to everyone else" falls flat when you're not actually connecting with those people. Even as the internet continues to shrink, more and more people are getting fed up with social media and using it less, or leaving outright, because it's becoming less and less usable, more ad-ridden than ever. And yet it reinforces the need for those platforms to get more aggressive, to bring in more users to replace the ones they're losing. It's a never ending cycle of "we have to cause you psychic damage! in the interest of roping in more people to damage psychically :)" and we all know we're doing it, and we all hate them for it, and yet we can't stop.

Once again I have to mention that absolutely fucking BIZARRE interaction my bf had the other day. Someone he knew "liked" a comment that was spreading misinformation and a very anti-treatment sentiment about DBT. He messaged this friend privately to ask if they really thought that. They told him, "I dont know what DBT is. I just click 'like' on any comment someone I think is cool makes." When my bf pressed them further, along the lines of, "why would you do that?" They said "for engagement." This was not an influencer, this is not a brand or a page or a business account they were using. It was a personal account w a few hundred friends. I just CANNOT get over this. Clicking buttons just because they're there, "for engagement" lmao. Engagement for whom, my good bitch? They might be interacting with your posts, but this is not "your" platform. The engagement isn't for you, sweaty. But ok.

I dont have a conclusion or any suggestions here. Just an observation. What a fucking mess. Social media demanded that we all make ourselves available 24/7, trained us to React instead of to care, convinced us all that we are each some kind of personal brand that requires social marketing to maintain, got us to pick fights with each other constantly as a result, made the internet a miserable place to be, and we have thanked them for the privilege.

Anyway. No more letting the algorithm tell you what to care about today. Contact me thru a series of intricate rituals or not at all. If it's really that important you can send me a Neomail 👍

#me #internet #join me on neocities too btw. im horce-divorce.neocities.org #im probably also gonna make a new personal tumblr #this ones getting too many follows and i dont want my mom to find it

1 note · View note

rxlehugger · 1 year

Note

You bought into their lies? It's a shame that you couldn't see you're being used but ships are more important than facts I guess.

You know, I'm going to answer this because I know who this is. And as much as everyone else doesn't want me to answer and ignore, I'm not going to. I'm not going to have you keep doing this to me...

Don't bring me into this drama between you and them. I'm an innocent bystander.

I came back to this community after being gone for 3-4 years because of a situation like this that I got pulled in and nearly killed myself over because I took rp and situations super to heart. No one knows me personally ooc and I have kept it this way BECAUSE of what happened 3-4 years ago.

Ships are not more important than facts and the fact you assume that's how I am means you have 0 clue of what I have stated many times about myself and my muses ooc. You even claimed you had "nothing but nice things" to say about me, so now that has changed because I decided to stick around? Keep my cards close and keep to myself?

Now that has changed because I basically want to rp and write and escape my own life that is busy and chaotic?

Now that has changed because I'm not following what you're doing and calling them out when I have 0 clue of all this and don't know them since I joined the community back in Late December?

This whole "drama" that's going on, is the first time I'm ever hearing about this. You realize that, right? I haven't been around that long to know about this community anymore. It has changed a LOT since I was last here. The fact you're coming to innocent people and doing things like this? Does not help you, does not help me, does not help anyone.

You are, in fact, making me feel like shit because all I want to do is roleplay and ignore the noise. My ooc post yesterday was thanking people for checking on me regardless. They didn't say anything about you or the issues. They were concerned because I was an anxious mess and I NEVER make ooc posts like that, but I couldn't handle everything going on. Even now because this is the first thing I'm seeing, I don't even want to address this but I am because you aren't going to paint my name in a bad light.

I'm not having that. I'm not a shitty person that cares for "ships" as you claim and I'm not a shitty person that manipulates and hurts people's feelings. I've never been that way and never claim to be. I'm for everyone and that's why I interact with everyone regardless of who they are ooc.

If they hurt me? Fine. Then that's on me, isn't it?

If they use me and I get kicked because they wanna do their thing, as you stated in your long post? Then fine. You assume I'm super attached and I'm not. I could get kicked tomorrow or in the next hour and I can just fade off into existence because everyone is replaceable.. and if that happens then I'd be okay with that and move on with my life.

There's lots of options to do shit and I used to have my own groups. I can always make one myself if I really wanted to or go into other fandoms like I had before.

This isn't my "be all, end all" situation.

Also, keep in mind: Ships are secondary to me and telling a story is my main thing. If ships were my main goal, I would be in ships already because that's how it always works. I don't do that so don't ever assume things about me. I have not done that about you. I don't like to assume people I don't know personally, you should do the same.

You don't know me. No one does and that's for a reason.

I get it if you're upset with them and upset over what happened, but DO NOT bring me into this shit.

Just don't.

I keep my cards close for a reason and my reasons alone. What you're doing to me is making me want to leave the community entirely again because you are creating drama that I'm not even part of. So please, please, please, keep me out of it.

Let me live my life without having such an anxious time just logging in and being human and escaping my issues in the real world. You want that for yourself, don't you? So why not give a person that same curtesy?

#outofmuse|| ooc #//and now I'm going off for a few hours #//✌🏾

6 notes · View notes