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#this is something I don’t have much clarity on so if anyone knows anything please add on

hopefull-mindset · 9 months

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A Much Needed Overview

I’ve been brought to a point of feeling the need to discuss the abuse depicted in Bungou Stray Dogs. This isn’t the brightest topic to speak about and I understand why people are reluctant to speak in detail about something as serious as this. It’s not easy, so I’ll be the brave face today because I feel disappointed about the lack of deep discussion beyond the popular topic of “The Abuse Cycle”.

I’m happy that it’s at least brought up amongst everyone as something that exists, I’m happy that people feel as though it’s something to talk about, but I don’t think most understand how to act about it. It’s never as cut and dry as how it’s depicted in most other pieces of media or how people speak about it in general. That is why I am thankful for its depiction here. Not saying that nobody speaks about it with clarity, but it’s not the majority, unfortunately.

I especially felt this was a good time to address this because of the reaction towards Asagiri’s thoughts on Dazai and Akutagawa’s relationship in the recent magazine interview. The outrage is not from nowhere, I was also taken aback at first, but to claim Asagiri “doesn’t even know his own story” is incredibly self-entitled considering the story isn’t done, nor are you the one writing this. If you read the story, no way is Asagiri justifying anything that happened. Please look at the question that is being asked, does it say “Do you think what Dazai did is morally right?” Of course, it isn’t.

Not to be rude but before you start questioning the writer himself if he’s read his own story, have you read it? Please keep in mind the fact this is only a magazine interview and doesn't reflect every nuance. Asagiri doesn't need to go “Oh yeah, this thing that’s bad is bad” every two seconds to explain himself. Asagiri’s writing decisions can be questionable and cannot be uncritiqued, but I’m going to have to defend him on this account.

I’m not sure if any warnings are needed concerning the subject matter considering most BSD fans know what I’m about to go over, but to be clear, please only read this when you’re in a well enough headspace for heavy matters such as this. I am not going to be talking lightly in any of this or dance around what’s happened between any of the characters, abuse is harder to talk about compared to other acts of violence that are objectively worse because it’s a more personal act that too many can find themselves in.

Finally, I do not want to speak about my own experiences online because I’ve only come to terms recently with it and they do not reflect everyone’s response to depictions of abuse in all media. Some things are very uncomfortable to admit about me that I haven’t told anyone, that no one would be able to take well even if they were my closest friend. This isn’t about me at all and there is no point in saying more about my reality, but I think my perspective might help people enlighten themselves on how truly complicated situations like this are.

What is Abuse?

Surprise, we need to go over this before any discussion about BSD happens because a lot misunderstand what abuse is. It's disheartening that the term has been so simplified that nobody knows what it means anymore. Don't substitute words for abuse or use abuse as a substitute for other terms. Abuse as a concept is quite hard to pin down with words and there are many ways to describe it, but by definition in the context that it’s directed to another person, abuse is:

To target and mistreat someone, causing them harm or distress in a repetitive manner

This by itself does not describe the grand scope of everything and probably might make you more confused, but it’s a great place to start and does describe what is directed to the victim. Many sources will use varied wording, but it’s the general knowledge that someone is being hurt to a fundamental level that makes it abuse.

Does the abuser need to intentionally hurt someone for it to be abused? Yes, but not in the way you think. Most abusers are not hurting their victims for the sake of just hurting them, that’s illogical, they’re doing it for something. Some examples include either for themselves in some way or what they think is for their victim’s “own benefit”. Even worse is when they genuinely believe it because they’ve also grown up in an environment that has that same mentality and reflects on themselves.

So yes, it’s intentional in that they’re doing it for a purpose. No matter their intention though, “selfless” or not, it’s still a selfish act in itself that they think that imposing their own will through harmful methods is what the victim needs. The abuse doesn’t need to be physically harming another for it to be abuse. As long as it’s harming you emotionally or otherwise and making you raise flags in your head, it’s abuse.

It sounds strange, but I'm saying it’s intentional because you’re still an intended target of their abuse whether they realize it themself or not. Abuse needs to repeat a form of distress in you to be abuse. For example, does one instance of physical violence against you count as abuse when it never happens again? Well, you need to think about the context. Usually, this would just be assault and that’s it, but is it left hanging in the air to happen again when you interact with them? Do you feel afraid for your well-being, even though it doesn’t happen again?

That’s still abuse, the psychological kind. Typically when abusers resort to physical means, it’s gonna happen again eventually. In this hypothetical instance, however, the point is that repeated distress does not mean repeated actions. It does not need to happen the same way for you to feel unsafe, it just needs to have power over you. Manipulation does not always equal abuse either. It’s a tactic used by abusers, but unless paired up with other actions, it doesn’t fit the criteria of abuse. Context matters when you examine what abuse is.

Here comes the tricky parts that are acknowledged less: When the abuser is someone you’ve relied on in your childhood, in a detrimental part of your life, or someone you care about that you put importance in, and it makes it hard to fully hate that person. What the abuser has done to the victim does not entirely reflect them as people, even if it’s still an important part of them that needs to be addressed.

Abusive people are not only defined by their awful actions, they’re not pure monsters like most love to pretend they are. It’s just easier to think that because accepting that they’re just a multifaceted human being hurts too much when you’re on the receiving end of their worse behavior. But what happens when you’re on the receiving end of both? You try to justify it the way the abuser is because you can’t accept that what’s happening is bad and not something everyone goes through. After all, they treat you decent enough sometimes.

Something so many people need to get into their heads already is that abusers can be victims and vice versa, but just because your abuser went through something themselves or is important to you, doesn’t mean you have to forgive them. Abuse is not forgivable just like that, you can rebuild a relationship beyond that if you’re able to, It’s not a “forgive-and-forget” thing.

Not everyone experiences and responds to abuse the same way, some hate their abusers fully, some can’t bring themselves to, and some don’t even know what to think, but there are so many who don’t feel one way that regarding all abusers as heartless monsters completely invalidates so many stories and their difficult experiences. I have a huge grudge against people like this who restrict abusive situations to just looking like one thing, this is why so many don’t even know that their situations are abusive.

Portrait of a Father

Chapter 39 reflects my points the most, and at the same time, it also turns out to be one of the most controversial chapters. It surprised me that it is, but maybe I shouldn’t be considering how most people on the internet act about abuse. It’s a lovely chapter to me personally and one of my favorites.

If you need a refresher, this is the chapter the Orphanage Director died in and leaves Atsushi in an emotional frenzy about what to think and believe. I know that the underlying message of this chapter is confusing to some, but it hit me in the face point blank on how this is about facing your abuser’s death without any personal conclusion with them.

Being sent on an investigation, Atsushi, after finding out the body was the Director, is stunned and scared because he knows nothing of the director other than his cruelty. He immediately assumes the worst and that he was coming after him again. Atsushi’s thoughts against him are entirely… on purpose in the director’s intentions because we find out that he has gone through so much violence and loss himself that he’s projecting his own will onto Atsushi and making sure he’d “survive in the real world”. So he became his first figure of hate and violence earlier in his life so he’d be “prepared for what comes next”.

I know so many take the backstory for the director as a way to justify what he did to Atsushi in the narrative, but it was just to put into context why he was so cruel. Abusers are never cruel for no reason, that never makes it right, but it’s reality. Atsushi was not the only one in the orphanage who was treated badly, he was singled out by the director most likely for an ability he couldn't control because the headmaster knew he’d get the most trouble for it, and unfortunately… he was right.

Akutagawa being his informant in this chapter makes perfect sense. He can see that what the director was for Atsushi is what Dazai is for him. No matter how terrible their actions were, it’s what kept them alive for so long. It’s not pleasant to confront, is it? Atsushi agrees because when he gets the information that the Director was going to congratulate him with the flowers he was going to buy by selling the gun he had on him, he freaks out. No way the guy he was raised so long to hate, the guy who put him through so much suffering, was going to congratulate him.

I know to some, Dazai’s talk with Atsushi sounded like he was justifying what happened because “it made him a good person in the end”, but that’s not what’s being said. This conclusion I’ve seen some people come to about this conversation confuses me. Dazai is just saying the obvious, you guys get all shocked and it weirds me out how easily it’s been glossed over that the reason Atsushi is so self-sacrificial and trying to do the good thing is because of the director. The reason he puts himself so much on the front lines is because he needs that worth in being good to live and prove the director wrong, he was raised to see that type of person is the most ideal person to live in this world.

After everything that’s been dumped onto him in such a short time, so much inner conflict of what to think of a dead man he no longer can have any personal closure with, he asks Dazai what face he should make, what he should think at this moment. Dazai tells him that they’re his emotions and he can think however he’d like, but commonly someone cries when their father dies. So he cries, because ultimately no matter his treatment, no matter the intent and its effects, it’s still the man who raised him. It’s flawed, but that’s what a father is stripped bare at its core definition and that won’t change no matter your feelings.

Now that I’m done summarizing this chapter and making sure you guys understood the point and how it spells out their relationship, I can finally talk freely about what was happening between them. When it comes to familial abuse, generational trauma is so prevalent it’s hard not to talk about. The director is quite reflective of so many parents who were raised to grow up too early in harsh environments, that they think they need to prepare their children for it too, even though it’s no longer needed.

You don’t need to like someone for them to be important to you, especially if it’s a parent in your life or someone close to that. That’s why Atsushi cries. He cries for the director, he cries for himself, he cries that it’s finally over, he cries for the kindness he could’ve gotten even if it wouldn’t have fixed anything, he cries for the father that never was, he cries because his father is dead. It’s perfectly normal to keep someone close in your heart that wasn’t perfect and to grieve their death.

Was the director successful in what he was aiming for? I want to say no, but he did. He succeeded in making Atsushi think of others in a good light and do good for them, making Atsushi resent him, and giving him the ability to keep going. Hell raised him right, but it was still hell. The problem is that his teachings were based on degrading Atsushi into being nothing but a life he should put aside in favor of others. Even if he continued hating the director like he wanted, he would still degrade himself for being a coward who didn’t hold himself to those standards. The result is not perfect because the director is not perfect, but in his position, this is a success.

The director for a while was his shadow of negative encouragement when he joined the agency, what kept him going in those moments, because he was what defined good, bad, and justice for him in his entire childhood. Even if he was dead, he’d still linger in his mind. I can’t parse out what to think about these hallucinations forming Akutagawa and Dazai to guide him later on, all it tells me is that he still can’t rely on or trust himself and he needs more development in his self-image issues.

I see why fans are confused, hell raising us right is a bizarre thing to say to a victim, so let me show you a perspective you're not seeing. Let's imagine you have an abusive mother who only wants you to be prepared for the things you're undoubtedly going to experience because of what you can't control. What she did does help you, but all that goes through your head is “Why couldn't she have done it differently without my own suffering?” The only thoughts that come rushing back when you think of those memories are the unnecessary pains. It takes a lot for a victim to acknowledge this on their own, they want to push back at the past so they don't have to see this plain reality.

Like anyone else that I’m going to bring up in this post, just because the abuse made them who they are or affected who they became, even when it keeps us going through life and benefits us in some way, does not make the abuse justified. Abuse is still abuse, I addressed this already and I hope not to address this again. I needed to detail an explanation because it’s quite easy to hate a man you know nothing about and has been painted in nothing but a bad light. The anger against the director is undebatable because abuse is not debatable, but to pretend the cruelty was nothing but for cruelty’s sake is mischaracterizing both him and Atsushi.

You can’t pick and choose what’s been told to you in the text just because you don’t like a character and lack the maturity for it. It gets quite hard to do that sort of thing when it’s a character you‘ve grown to care about, it’s no wonder Dazai is divided between so many. Speaking of Dazai, his involvement in this makes as much sense as Akutagawa’s. He’s currently in a mentor position for Atsushi, no matter what Akutagawa says, and shows interest in his development. So of course he’s going to purposely stick his head into something that would affect Atsushi greatly. Both Akutagawa and Dazai are viewing this through their lenses as people who grew up in the darkness of society, and it’s not that Dazai thinks what happened to him wasn’t terrible, you should have eyes to read the panels provided, but he’s generally unfazed and able to sound neutral because he’s used to that cruelty.

The Port Mafia’s Environment

(Aka: is it really “all Mori’s fault” or is it just the product of being literally in The Mafia™?)

I’ll go over the “Cycle of Abuse” in a second, but please keep in mind that you can’t just blame everything on Mori. Just like the Director, it’s so easy to pin the guy who’s just been the worst for every problem there, but it decimates the other characters involved as well and makes what they’ve gone through go flat because you’re restricting it to a misinformed presumption.

To make a bold statement, I need you to completely throw away your idea of what the abuse cycle is. The Mori to Kyouka pipeline being the singular “Abuse Cycle”? Garbage, needs to go away too. I've seen many fans use the term “Cycle of Abuse” too carelessly, and while from afar the way they're using it is not technically wrong, they have the wrong thought process behind it.

The Cycle of Abuse is simply the patterns of what keeps us in an abusive dynamic and negative mental state, either with an individual or environment, and makes it incredibly hard for anyone to leave. It’s not the actions you take that make it the Cycle of Abuse, and it's not just one straight line of people going through similar motions. You don’t have to be someone’s abuser to be the one who keeps them there, if you feed into it you’re still a problem. Even if you don't actively add to it yourself, just staying there as a bystander and not trying to do anything to change it or speak up for the victim when you clearly could also still make you responsible. Just with your presence, it validates what they've gone through as normal.

If you need more of an explanation, two opposite examples include Higuchi & Akutagawa and Beast Kyouka & Atsushi. Higuchi is a traditional example in that she stays in the mafia because of her relationship with Akutagawa, and stays by his side for reasons unknown. What we do know is that she’s incredibly indebted to him enough to care for him to an extreme extent, but their relationship is abusive all the same. Beast Atsushi and Kyouka sounds strange for me to bring up, but this is an example of a non-abusive person contributing to the Cycle of Abuse. Instead of taking her out of an abusive situation, he brings her back in.

Many characters are a part of this main narrative of abuse in BSD, so it's not inaccurate to say Mori, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka are a part of it as well using this definition as all of them are the reason or contributed to why someone was stuck in a negative, abusive situation or the victim themselves. I’m guessing none of you are genuinely referring to this though and are referring to intergenerational abuse, a repeating cycle of younger generations taking after their abusers when they're older, which is a completely different phenomenon. Both are referred to as cycles and have many commonalities, but it’s not the same. Not to sound like a total dick, but this barely even applies to them.

Not because the concept is based on familial relationships, it can happen with older figures in your life too, but because our oh-so-famous Abuse Cycle gang does not have that commonality to make that claim. They have narrative parallels, but that’s pretty much it. I will save what I have to say in their sections, but Mori and Akutagawa did not abuse Dazai and Kyouka respectively for this type of claim to have any legitimacy. Kyouka certainly broke a cycle, but not that kind since that would need her to continue it in the first place and then prevent her own experiences from even affecting the next child.

What do all Mori, Dazai, Akutagawa, and Kyouka actually have in common? They are/were in the mafia, using their natural talents of cruelty for the underworld.

The Port Mafia resembles something of an abusive household or community that sees so much of what’s done to others there as normal, and constantly compares it to how it was with their old boss and thinks, “At least it wasn’t as bad as that.” It’s quite like the Orphanage Director’s thinking but on a larger scale. Does that make everyone in the Port Mafia abused? Nope, unlike most abusive communities, the Port Mafia is quite literally the mafia. Everyone is there for different reasons, at different ages, and different experiences. Everyone is taken advantage of in these situations, no matter the circumstances, but it doesn’t make them abused automatically.

So it’s hard to have a stance on anything about them being abusive other than the mentor situations in the Port Mafia don’t see abuse as abuse and just another way to teach their subordinates to survive in their world if they deem it necessary. Was Chuuya abused, either by Mori or Kouyou then? I’m going to have to say I can’t tell you that. We don’t have enough information on either of his dynamics with them to say that they’ve directly had any repetitive behaviors of direct harm against him specifically, and there's no reason for them to do so either. I’m not going to use the argument that “Chuuya doesn’t hate or fear them, so that must mean he wasn’t�� because again, that type of response does not reflect so many situations.

Chuuya was still harmed by being in the Port Mafia as a teenager because nobody should have been surrounded by this much cruelty at that age. It doesn’t matter if he shows visible distress or not about the Port Mafia, he was just desensitized to it since his sheep days. So was he an abuse victim under the idea that being a child in the Port Mafia is abuse? That depends on who we’re speaking of, but in Chuuya’s situation, I'm going to have to say no as he's already internalized their mindset from his own experiences separate from the mafia. Keep in mind that it also still holds true that you can find family in situations like this, it’s not mutually exclusive. Some just find more comfort in what they’re used to than what would be better for them. Kyouka is a better example of someone being a victim of an abusive community.

A false claim I've seen made many times are the ones where they have it as if Mori is the mafia itself or that he made the mafia what it was. It shouldn’t be too surprising, but it’s the opposite. Mori already held flawed, heartless, calculative methods when in situations he thought required them. We’ve seen him as a soldier and an underground doctor, but we know nothing else about him outside of his cruelty, just like the headmaster. What he does is never for what he thinks is for his benefit, but for the sake of something larger. Whether it’s for the city, the country, or eventually, the Port Mafia.

The mafia is the first time he’s been put into a position of absolute leadership and is not yet accustomed to that at the beginning of Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen. He’s able to quickly fit the mold of a mafia boss, but there’s that bit of honesty that peaks through in this light novel in the first and last sections that’s ignored too quickly. First Mori complains about nothing going immediately right, questions himself about Dazai, and becomes genuinely stressed if it was the right decision to involve him, then confesses that he sees himself in Dazai to him (and him and Fukuzawa in Soukoku in private), and finally gives his honest take of leadership to Chuuya.

I already go over Mori as a character in one of my other posts and will speak more of him later on, so I don’t want to reiterate the same points, but here we have proof he has (albeit poor) humanity. He did not become the Port Mafia boss for his own selfish gain of power if you’ve forgotten, but because Natsume introduced him to becoming part of the Tripartite Framework to protect the city he loves, it’s where he’d excel best in this plan. The Port Mafia was already a shithole, Mori just made it livable again by becoming what an organized crime group needs.

It’s what makes the dynamic between Kouyou and him so intriguing because you have an abuse victim who has embraced the environment she was forced back into, but won’t let go of someone who’s proven to be more of a decent leader than her tormentor and can be relied on. For victims who couldn’t get help or realize they needed help, the easier path is to accept this is your life through some justification. While I said the Port Mafia resembles an abusive community, communities as such aren’t purely terrible and that’s what keeps them justifying it in their head. The family you have for yourself, whether it's a made one or the one you're born with, is what sticks for you.

Like it or not, Mori isn’t stupid. He takes risky gambles that backfire on him sometimes, but he’s good at his job. He’s brutal enough to prove his own against the people who didn’t think he should’ve been boss and outsiders who want to go against the Port Mafia, but he’s considerate enough towards his people and shows enough competency to be perfect for the job. He’s not a great human being, but what did you expect? He no longer had any room to express that humanity, he never had; there was no benefit from being a good person in his line of work.

The Heartless Cur

That looked like a great segue to talk about Dazai and Mori’s dynamic, but it’d benefit to go over Akutagawa first. For those who do acknowledge it as an abusive situation, Thank you for at least taking that step. Numerous don’t and it worries me at the state of what’s considered abuse vs. training. It may be both at times but don't excuse one for the other. Training needs formal consent and communication at some point during a session. Akutagawa is learning, but it’s the same as getting yelled at as a child for not doing your homework right, when again, you’re still just learning.

It might’ve been easier to see for those who do acknowledge it because of the visible physical abuse that happens, but let's not undermine the psychological abuse happening as well. Dazai has messed with his psyche on an abhorrent level through his degrading and threats, making him reliant to hear a single word of acknowledgment from his mouth. What happened to Akutagawa is beyond the mafia’s environment.

Akutagawa does not hate or want Dazai dead for what he’s done to him, but he does hold anger at the seeming abandonment he’s been put through… and at himself as well. Anger that he couldn't get to what Dazai wanted him to be before he suddenly left. So he proves himself by climbing the ranks and becoming someone feared. Spectacles of violence not because he enjoys the feeling of other’s suffering or the power over them, but to show Dazai that see? He's still worth looking at!

He stays in the mafia because he’s found a place there. Even if he could, there was no point in leaving the mafia after he disappeared because what would be left for him if he did? He will always be an unchangeable, horrific hound of the dark and there's no changing that in his mind. From an inference of his actions in the dungeon when they finally reunite one-on-one, he wanted to believe that he was above Dazai after all those years, but Dazai doesn't act impressed or scared or anything. After all that effort, he gets nothing but ridicule and mockery like he's back to being that little kid with an oversized coat too big for his body.

Worse is that he gets told that some new kid Dazai picked up, who didn't train to the extent he did to refine his abilities, is better than him somehow. He gets riled up and at first, takes out on Dazai, but all those threats about killing him and how he went against the mafia were empty. Even now he can't bring himself to hate Dazai, he needs his mentor to acknowledge him no matter what side he's on. He never let go of Dazai, his coat is proof enough of that. So he takes it out on the party that isn't responsible and is convinced he needs to overcome Atsushi to prove something to Dazai.

He doesn't hate Atsushi, not genuinely. He does the same when he’s told he’ll never compare to Odasaku, someone who objectively should’ve been the weakest member due to his status. He gets angry at Dazai’s words, gets angry at himself, then takes it out on the person mentioned, rinse and repeat. I’m not sure if I’m the only one to notice, but he genuinely believed that the meaningful life Dazai gave him laid in the mafia and being useful to its cause. He has no reason to be as loyal to the mafia if he didn't think this.

Dazai’s acknowledgment means more than just appreciation for his skills and strength, it means his life meant something by striving for being the strongest. It’s not about the acknowledgment at all. Whenever he critiques and shames Atsushi for how he lives his life, it just feels like he’s unknowingly shaming himself through him without having to acknowledge his wrongs. It makes me curious about how much the acknowledgment itself even matters to him and the validation it gives him to strive for this is an excuse to keep living so what he’s doing in the mafia even matters in the end. What counts as acknowledgment to him?

He's convinced his faults are what made Dazai turn away, he just doesn’t know how to do anything to fix it and can't fix it this late into the game. What does Dazai want from him other than being stronger? When Dazai directly asks him to do something important involving Atsushi, he’s confused. He has no reason to trust him to do these missions. He’ll take the chance to prove himself once and for all, but to be included means he's being acknowledged, so what gives? The number of times he visibly self-reflects can be counted on one hand because as soon as it shows, he goes back to justify his violence and ignores his faults.

As someone whose favorite character is Akutagawa, I’m disgusted that all people can take away from him is “Akutagawa is an obsessive fanboy that deserves no sympathy because of what he did to Kyouka” or “Akutagawa is a poor, miserable man that didn’t deserve what Dazai made him into and should be absolved of responsibility because it’s all Dazai’s fault”. Both are very shallow and very harmful to perpetrate as they continue the idea that a person can only be the abused or abuser. He's both and it's okay to admit that.

Quickly let’s clear up this: He is not the way he is because of Dazai.

What Dazai IS responsible for:

Akutagawa’s need for his constant approval and recognition

Akutagawa learning to hone his ability

Akutagawa’s toxic views of being useful

The reason Akutagawa’s still alive

The reason Akutagawa is the Mafia’s dog

What Dazai is NOT responsible for:

Everything else

Akutagawa’s lean toward violence, his one-track stubborn mindset, and his lone-wolf attitude are not a product of Dazai’s treatment, he’s always been that way because of his time in the slums. He got beaten down by adults frightened of his empty gaze, had to learn to protect himself and find something to eat to survive, helped take care of his sister Gin and his friends by himself, and everyone constantly dying around him. That’s the real reason his personality is like that. He is a victim of his circumstances in a society that deemed him worthless, so he also thinks of his life as worthless. That’s why Dazai means so much to him.

Dazai did not trick him into joining the mafia, Dazai expressed what he was going to go through was worse than what happened in the slums and gave Akutagawa an out that he could live a normal life with enough money, but he knew Akutagawa would not refuse because he still needed meaning in living, just like him. Gaining enough money to get by so he and his sister could get out of the slums would do nothing for him, he already felt that his life was worthless. He has no problem throwing it away at any time, he was gonna die young regardless because of his lung disease. It has manipulative undertones, but that's how Dazai usually is with even the people he cares about.

Akutagawa knows too well that a person needs a sign, someone to tell them it’s okay to keep going, and so does Dazai. Part of Dazai’s goal is to save Akutagawa from dying and give him a reason to live like he promised that day because he sees the potential that could come from his development. I don't want to sound like a dick again, but you’d have to be dense to think Akutagawa would still be dead by the end of this arc. He isn’t sending him off to his death, Dazai doesn’t know everything.

Even if he knew Akutagawa might die there, it's better than both Atsushi and Akutagawa dying at that moment. If Akutagawa didn’t want to die for him, he wouldn’t have, he chose to save Atsushi’s life. This is why I have to defend Asagiri. Let’s reread the interview together, to make it get across already.

(Twt link)

Q: Just like how Akutagawa and Atsushi's relationship has changed, I could feel the relationship between Dazai and Akutagawa moving forward too. Is it like what Akutagawa has said in Episode 3 of Season 5, that every order he has received from Dazai so far has been "a trial", "a part of a meaningfull life"?

First, the question being asked. They’re asking Asagiri about their relationship in the present, and how it’s developed. Akutagawa is no longer thinking he was abandoned by Dazai for a new, better student like he was made him believe, that was just to rile him up and interact with Atsushi more. Instead, he realizes that he’s not supposed to work against Atsushi, he’s supposed to work with him. How he decides to go about that battle with Fukuchi and whether or not he works with Atsushi like a partner is his trial. If this was Akutagawa before he met Atsushi, he would’ve no doubt escaped or might’ve thought defeating Fukuchi would prove himself to Dazai. He's not an obstacle to his meaningful life, his quest for a meaningful life lies with Atsushi.

Asagiri responds with:

Asagiri: Needless to say, Dazai is the most qualified person in this world to help Akutagawa grow. Dazai has a vision for Akutagawa's development, and he completely understands what it takes to achieve it. We, as obsevers, can only see bits and pieces of that vision. But I can at least say that Dazai's training plan has never been wrong.

Many find this answer questionable, I was stunned reading it myself. Asagiri is not wrong at all here though, Dazai is objectively the only person in this series who can find a way to help him. Atsushi is the endpoint, but Dazai has been guiding him to this point. Dazai himself said that he was planning to team them up the moment he met Atsushi, he was still thinking of him even after all these years. There are much scarier implications than thinking that Asagiri was wrong. It's that Dazai was doing everything intentionally to get Akutagawa’s mindset where it was. He didn't mess up with Akutagawa, he just couldn't personally teach him the skills he needed and chose a different route until he found something that could.

Asagiri is not saying the abuse was morally justified, but the intention behind it was not wrong in an objective stance. Dazai would know what to do the most because of his understanding of wanting to find meaning in living. Teenage Dazai couldn’t have achieved much by himself, even if he could understand since he also could not find meaning in life. That’s why he made him hang on to his every breath of validation so he would keep his faith in Dazai long enough for him to find a solution to this dilemma. The moment in life when he found Akutagawa was not ideal and he still did what he thought he had to do for him to survive in the mafia. Without his ability, he's incredibly weak and needs to be able to defend himself. A violent person could not have made another violent person unlearn their violence.

You could say he just wanted a weapon, but that’s not it, not even close. Many of you are stuck on the part that it was a suicidal teenager that picked Akutagawa up from the slums and that no way someone like that could teach another suicidal teenager anything, so it’s “comical that Asagiri thinks as though he’s the most qualified”. You’re not wrong in some sense, but this is still incredibly intelligent, “Black Wrath of the Port Mafia”, Osamu Dazai, and not just some suicidal teenager.

He’s also no longer a teenager. Right now we’re talking of Dazai in the present who’s grown and no longer needs to be how he was in the mafia, he has Atsushi now, someone who can help Akutagawa see what’s wrong in his outlook. The only thing he could’ve done back then was to shelter Akutagawa so he wouldn’t kill himself. It's horrible, but Dazai validating where he is now would do no good for either of them and fix nothing.

Q: What kind of person is Dazai to Akutagawa?

Asagiri: Actually, at the time of "The Dark Era", Dazai already spoke very highly of Akutagawa, as someone who would "become the Mafia's strongest skill user in the not-so-distant future". He just doesn't say that in front of Akutagawa himself. The reason he doesn't say it is that Dazai has to be "the presence that continues to give meaning to life" to Akutagawa. So far, that trial has been completely successful.

None of what Asagiri brings up is new information. He doesn’t say it in front of Akutagawa not to spite him, but if he gives these praises out too freely, he loses his distant, almost god-like presence in Akutagawa and will go back to being just a lone wolf with no exceptions that will carelessly get himself killed. Without any goal, he’s lost. Just like Atsushi and the headmaster and how Atsushi hinges on proving he can do a good thing to motivate his life, Akutagawa similarly hinges on the fact that if he fails, he won’t get Dazai’s approval.

However, his death was not fully about Dazai’s approval in the way he's been preaching. In chapter 87, he mentions Dazai’s approval like always, and when they fail the first time even after trusting and working with each other as Shin Soukoku should, It hits him. What came into his head I cannot parse out at the moment, but his actions speak so much louder than any explanation we could've gotten. Of course, he's helping Atsushi escape, but what does he do for that? He used his ability on his shirt, and not just on the coat like he typically does.

It doesn't seem like a big deal at first, he could've always done that, but when was the last time he used it on something that wasn't the coat Dazai gave him? The coat means many things. His new beginning, his path in being Dazai’s student and successor (as that was also Mori’s coat), but it also conveys Dazai’s will that keeps him alive and that he's only strong with his coat. Without it, he's defenseless, so he clings to this coat the exact way he clings to those orders. It's his encouragement to keep going when Dazai isn't there. This overwhelming, suffocating responsibility, an oversized coat, is a lot to give to a kid but it's comfortable and he’ll grow into it eventually.

It was already a huge step in his development that he gave Atsushi his coat, but to use his ability not on his coat means he's making an effort to overcome his fixation and do an action unrelated to Dazai for the sake of Atsushi’s life. His whole life after the slums, everything he's ever done was with Dazai in mind. Him saving Atsushi’s life was not because he was doing what Dazai wanted him to do, that he'd finally get approval for doing It, and in turn give his life meaning before he died. When he saved Atsushi, it would give his life meaning in just that. He shouldn't let himself be defined by the past the way he criticizes Atsushi for, so he’s going to choose his meaning. I wouldn't say he's moved past Dazai yet, but he's getting there.

Dazai and Akutagawa’s relationship is not healthy in the slightest, and Dazai’s crueler actions and words against him are not right, but they’re still growing and not stagnant characters. Atsushi and Akutagawa learn from each other and that's what's pushing them to change. Nobody will pretend those past means weren’t just abuse, they were, but there's so much more to it. Like I asked with the director, was he successful? Well from what I’ve said, yes it so far has gone the way Dazai hoped for in the best-case scenario.

In the main universe at least, this is one of the better ways it could’ve gone. Beast is a different story. Teenage Dazai of the main universe was unsure of Akutagawa’s future and did only what he could’ve done at that time, but Beast Dazai does have that knowledge and he decided that it would be best for Akutagawa to not be in the mafia, instead bringing in Atsushi. It wouldn’t have been good to let him pursue his violent tendencies more than necessary in the mafia in this universe when he knew there was a better option, especially with someone like Oda, who would take the time to care for him properly.

Even if he didn’t bring him in, he still gave him the motivation to keep living for something. The prologue of Beast is a mirror to The Heartless Cur, with instead it’s a distant relationship of hate Akutagawa has for him for taking his sister. For those who argue that since Beast exists, that means Asagiri was somehow “wrong about Dazai”, but it’s still Dazai from the beginning that’s the source of this motivation. Dazai, who's still guiding him. If we’re gonna be honest, Dazai was putting their development/capabilities in speed run mode with the logic and future information he had access to prepare them for a timeline he won’t be alive for. There are many factors for what he did in Besst, but that’s not the conversation.

What does he get from helping him? Who knows, Asagiri wasn’t being cheeky when he said we only see bits and pieces of his vision. We barely have any clue what’s going through that man’s head, so don’t act like you do. He wasn’t always planning for the next Soukoku. Maybe it was a thought that came up sometimes, but he’s only met Atsushi recently. What about Akutagawa was so different from any other powerful ability-wielding orphan? Well, we’re not gonna know any time soon.

The point is that Dazai is thinking about their future, even if the abuse or manipulation makes that hard to see. Please do remember that abuse is still selfish no matter the intention, but non-selfish intentions make it all the more complicated to process. Their relationship is not misunderstood by Asagiri himself, it’s just clear to me most don’t want to face the unpleasant truth that there is more to their dynamic. When I first realized what was going on, I couldn’t help but get unnerved and awkward when someone would ask me about these two. These are both characters in the spotlight that you’re supposed to care about, but what happened between them is rotten.

You’re not supposed to pretend it didn’t happen because Dazai still contributed to who he is and it shows whenever it’s on screen. Abuse doesn’t make us stronger, don’t make it as if that’s a message that Asagiri is spreading. What happened to him motivated his development, but with Atsushi, that’s the opposite. Their circumstances are different and victims process what's happened to them in various ways. Depicting it in a form less common than usual doesn't mean the author thinks in the same way the victim does, it's just nuance at work.

I did not add Akutagawa’s attitude towards his subordinates and newer members as Dazai’s responsibility because Dazai is not the one controlling his hands when he hits Higuchi. Dazai’s mentoring contributed to his toxic views of being useful, but it’s only Akutagawa’s responsibility once he raises his hand. Instead of thinking of this in the context of the most typical abusive situation you can think of, how about this:

Your parent was raised in an abusive household, but they think they came out of it just fine and that there was nothing wrong with how they were treated. They treat you almost the same way, and all you can take away from that when you find out is, “At least it’s not as bad as it could’ve been”. You still hold anger at the standards they’re forcing you to reach, but if that’s what it takes to get that approval, then you’ll keep going anyway. Even if you get yelled at and you know you shouldn’t be treated like this, it’ll feel nice when you finally get on their good graces, right?

Then you get a new sibling, and all of that comes crumbling down. They don’t treat your sibling anywhere near the same when you were that age. Years go by and you get angrier and angrier. Why is it only you that was put to that standard? Even worse is that they treat you differently now too. You finally got to those standards, but now what is it worth? They’re so much nicer now and you want to curse them out for only changing now. Why couldn’t have had that parent from the beginning? It’s so unfair, but you can’t take it out on them because you still need them, they mean so much to you. As angry as you were, they were doing it because they cared about you in their way, you think. It was what your grandparents did to them at least. So you start treating your sibling similarly to how you were treated because you can’t take it that they didn’t experience that hardship without destroying yourself first.

Question: Are you right in what you did? Was the parent responsible for what you did to your sibling?

Nobody in their right mind would say yes to that first question. It makes sense why it happened, but continuing abuse will never be the correct answer. You’re doing the same thing your parent did. The second question needs more exposition to answer, however. How responsible is responsible?

In the end, even if it was the parent who influenced it, you’re only responsible for what you’ve done on your own accord. The parent did not tell you to take it out on your sibling, you decided that yourself. The parent is still responsible for what they’ve done to you, never get that wrong, but if you say that your guilt is absolved because it’s all their fault, you sound no different from any other abuser in denial. Are you saying now that the parent is also absolved from guilt because it’s all their parent’s fault too? Listen to yourself, You hurt someone but it’s not your fault, but the person who hurt you is also somehow not at fault? If someone came up to you and said that, you’d be fed up.

For those who do the same thing with Mori, rethink what you’re saying. Is it that painful to admit your favorite characters are at fault and that they’re changing? This comparison isn’t perfect and ignores some key factors: Dazai isn’t Akutagawa’s or Atsushi’s father and is not much older than them, the Port Mafia is a violent workplace environment and requires you to be able to navigate it a certain way, and all three of them at adults in present time. I used this comparison to be more real to earth and something a larger audience could process themselves to truly get that the emotions here are not straightforward even in a realistic situation.

Re: Portrait of a Father

Just like the prologue, in chapter 3 of the Beast light novel, Portrait of a Father is mirrored and retold in brutal upset that does not hold the hopeful bittersweetness at the end of it unlike its original. Before the present day, against all orders Dazai gave him, Atsushi attacked the orphanage on the day of his birthday. On his birthday, he would be reborn from the ashes of his past being burnt away, and kill the director inside to release himself from the fear of those memories.

It’s what he says at least.

Playing out, the director was expecting him. There might have only been one person in his mind who would’ve attacked a rundown orphanage on this scale. It frightens Atsushi after all that planning and fear of losing to the director, he could still see through him, but confusion takes hold when he’s told that he was late for his graduation.

Graduation? Atsushi is in fight or flight mode, why is he approaching him with this box? He can’t imagine it being anything other than a weapon, nothing else would make sense for this cruel monster. The director won’t give him any straight answer, just repeating words he’s heard over and over growing up here. He uses his tiger hearing to glean what could be inside.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

There’s the proof, it had to be a bomb. He needs to protect himself before anything happens or he’ll die. He’s scared, he can’t move, but he has to fight. The director opens his arms for the embrace of his child… and death, plummeted into a bloody mess on the floor. Only out of the corner of his eye, only when Atsushi stopped, he saw what was in the box. It was a watch, brand new and high-end. Happy Birthday was what was written on a sheet of paper next to it.

His last words, whispered into his ear, were words of encouragement: “Yes… just like that.”

I was not kidding when I said this was brutal. Just like in the main universe, Atsushi learns why he did what he did and can’t place any of his feelings, but overwhelmingly guilt crushes him to keep protecting people with his life rather than just fear because he killed him. He finds out much earlier about what happened with Shibusawa, and how the director protected his identity as the tiger.

The director’s intentions are draining when you let your mind wander. As we’ve established, the headmaster as a figure of hate for Atsushi is intentional on his part. He doesn’t explain anything on purpose here to probe him into killing him. He bought that watch for Atsushi as a congratulations for growing up and becoming a new independent individual.

In the split minute before Atsushi took the first swing, he said his usual, “Those who fail to protect others do not deserve to live.” I have to question now if he was so willing to die there, even encouraging him to kill him, then has it been this whole time he still can’t live with himself for what happened to his friends… or is it because he couldn’t protect Atsushi anymore? Maybe I’m overthinking it and it was just that the headmaster thought Atsushi needed to kill him to remove an obstacle in his growth as an individual, to be a necessary sacrifice for his benefit.

It's too flawed though. The director will never leave him, not after all that he's engraved into Atsushi. The watch has become not a symbol of a person who's found himself, but a child that's latched himself onto his father's cold corpse that won't ever respond, but that child would do anything to have him wake up and say "Good job, Atsushi". The director also has a clock, but can he call himself a strong individual when he hasn't let go of the past either?

Time stopped for Beast Atsushi when he picked up that watch. If he had just followed orders, none of this would’ve happened. If he isn’t his father’s child, if he doesn’t uphold his last wish, then who is he? When he’s no longer in the mafia and has time for himself to think, he wanders.

He failed in becoming someone he could be proud of, he deserved to die for that but doesn't want to be dead… because It wasn't truly about the Director, just like how it wasn't truly about Dazai’s acknowledgment or saving his sister for Akutagawa. At first, that was the motivation, it's the reasoning they keep going with, but in the end, it was to save their own life and give it purpose to validate why they're still around. If they can die like this, then it's all the same. If they have their own life in someone else’s hands, then they no longer have to be responsible for their own heavy-hearted weight.

Beast Atsushi is given neither and is taken of his reasoning, but he keeps going. Aimlessly.

Luckily, it’s not where his story ends.

He wakes up in his old orphanage, and it’s no longer the dreary place it was when he was younger. Kids laughing outside, no chains on the walls or bars blocking off the windows, and the new Orphanage Director greets him. He tells him that he will go back to being a student of the orphanage until he can become independent again, under one of Dazai’s last requests before he died.

Still, there’s one thing he needs to do. The new director takes out the watch and tells him to break it. Atsushi is distraught by this notion, but he won’t let Atsushi leave if he doesn’t. The new director has good reason, there is no point in becoming someone the past director was proud of and this is what’s holding him back. Atsushi, eventually, tells him he will not break the watch. He can’t move on just yet and this watch is still proof he’s himself, yet…

He’ll keep going and move forward, just like Akutagawa told him after he spared his life. The new director finds those words to be enough, saying he can’t leave until he finds something else to define himself with, but he can keep living here as his son. He went there to burn away his past and came out of it not able to let go of the past, but now he can redo and process it healthily with someone willing to hold him like a father should.

The Man Who Raised Dazai

Everyone who’s read Beast has questioned it: Why did Dazai in his right mind have Mori take care of an orphanage? Why did he save his life? Better yet, why is he so nice?! I have come up with some speculation on why Dazai would.

“Beast Dazai recognized this potential of change either from the multitude of universes he was able to witness or recognized it in his own considering canonverse Dazai never does anything against Mori (even if he visibly dislikes him).”

“Possibility is one thing, the why is another. It was either that he saw potential and good that could come out of this in the long run, Mori’s intelligence and expertise still proves usefulness, less dangerous for Oda in the long run if he let Mori stay there instead of the Mafia, or all three.”

(Didn’t feel like rephrase them)

We can’t know anything for sure about his decision, but I do know Mori is the type of character to sacrifice his feelings for what he thinks would logically benefit the sum, and there’s no better way to release yourself from that too-calculative responsibility than to remove yourself from it and to be in a place where you’re allowed to care for others and express yourself when there is no greater purpose than to just grow.

What happened with Yosano is undoubtedly wrong, but Mori had put away any sympathy in those situations because he needed her to do what he brought her in for. I was confused by his declaration that violence should never be used to educate children when I read it, especially out of his mouth, but now I understand. He would know with certainty that it’s not the right way to educate children, particularly because this is a Mori that hasn’t been in the dark for these past years and has grown to care for these children at the orphanage without any greater intention for them.

He’s not like the Old Director because he has no reason to think these kids would end up the way he did. They’re just kids that need someone to raise them with kindness, kindness will be what gets them through life as functional adults. Abuse has too many drawbacks to be called an optimal solution here. Is it surprising that all it took to change Mori was the kindness and salvation Dazai offered to him when he took over? Can you believe it was that simple to treat someone like a human being instead of a figure of hate?

What sticks out to me like a sore thumb is that when he’s introduced in Beast, he’s referred to as the man who raised Dazai. He is, regardless of what you think, the closest thing Dazai has to a father figure. In regards to how the fanbase speaks of their relationship, it’s hard to think that he cared about Dazai, but he did and the extent of how bad it got between them is grossly exaggerated.

As many comparisons Dazai gets with Yosano, their relationship with Mori is very different. Unlike Yosano, he did not need to be forced to do anything with psychological abuse and he did not need to be torn down to do what Mori asked him to. We don’t know what happened to him to become like this, but it wasn’t because of Mori. Yosano had light in her and a motivation to do the right thing, but Dazai didn’t. Dazai is no stranger to any violence or using violence himself even before Mori if he's this desensitized.

It’s useful that Dazai is like that when he meets him, up until it isn’t. He’s moody and actively looking to die. Mori can’t predict him that easily and Dazai can see right through him. There’s another huge difference between them though: Mori sees himself in Dazai. We don’t have enough insight in his head to make conclusive statements, but I think this is why he cared for Dazai. It’s not because he saw a child struggling that he cared, but grew some fondness because he saw a little mini-him. When he drove Dazai out of the Port Mafia, he expected him to come back and take back his vacant seat.

Eventually, Dazai will come back and realize that petty anger about someone dying is illogical in somewhere like the mafia. But because of him not being able to see through Dazai and seeing himself in him, he also expected him to eventually usurp his seat if he stayed any longer. That is why he had invited Mimic at the time he did and manipulated the situation so Oda, someone he knew Dazai cared for, would go and take care of the situation flawlessly. He’d be sacrificed and Mori could get something out of it, a Skilled Business Permit. A perfect plan… in theory, but Mori was wrong and miscalculated on many levels because of how many assumptions he made about Dazai.

First, he wouldn’t have known that it was Oda who held the words that would convince him to leave the mafia and go into the world of light. Dazai will never come back to his own volition. Second, as those panels quite literally tell you, Dazai was never planning on killing him. He saw his place in the mafia and saw that he was needed there. When Mori finally realizes his mistake with Dazai 4 years later during the Guild Arc, he can’t go back. His plan was still perfectly sound and he still got what he wanted out of it. He shouldn’t regret it, but…

Now that’s been paved out, where does wanting to save Dazai fit into this? If I had to assume, it’s the same reason he didn’t shoot Dazai for leaving his office during Dark Era. He cared about that boy, for 4 whole years he left him and his seat alone when the logical thing he should be doing was replacing him, but as much as he might’ve cared, he needed to put the mafia first. He didn’t let him die because of his use, but also because of their so-called “common destiny” in his eyes, a diamond in a rough he might’ve disposed of otherwise if he didn’t see his potential. There’s not much he could’ve done for Dazai here except keep him healthy and alive. Mori gets tons of flack for not trying to help him, but there's nothing he could've done, not in their position.

He can't cultivate his potential if there is abuse involved because there is no logical reason for him to do anything to Dazai. You guys have to stop assuming the worst when it comes to Mori, you’re missing huge character details that are right in front of you. The difference between Mori, the Boss of the Port Mafia, and Mori, the Orphanage Director is that he had time to rekindle his humanity so he’s able to care about him like a normal human being, feel guilt, and admit regret after Beast Dazai has died. Mori at most was responsible for ingraining tactical strategies and theories and molding him into the perfect Mafioso and right-hand man.

Not to say any of those aren’t a bad thing. He’s still a child and having him use his desensitized, intelligent mind to build the potential in what he could do for the mafia, it’s just that he’s responsible for very little in Dazai’s personality. The only answer I could give about Dazai being abused by Mori or being abused under the credentials that he’s a child in a violent, unsafe place is the same answer given earlier for Chuuya: in his case, not really.

Regarding this, I retract my statement about anything I’ve said about Beast Atsushi not being a victim in his time in the mafia, but I still hold my stance that he’s not the victim of the port mafia. I want to say the same thing about Beast Dazai and Atsushi that I do here, but considering he picked him up and trained him like how he trained Akutagawa, there’s a great chance Dazai emotionally abused him when you read their interactions. Not physically as that would make him too much like the headmaster, but just enough emotional distress in bringing up traumatic moments to manipulate him into doing what he needs of him.

It’s not a good relationship, but Mori wasn’t targeting Dazai in any real way like the Director and Atsushi or Dazai and Akutagawa. Unlike every other section, I have to conclude that he didn’t do anything to Dazai in that regard other than treating him like another adult when he shouldn't have. I don’t have much to say negatively about their dynamic otherwise. Just a weird, terrible son with his weird, terrible father. It’s more like someone who's taking after their mentor’s teaching and methods rather than an abuse victim echoing their abuser. This is why I don't accept the “Cycle of Abuse” as how the fandom understands it. It tells me a lot that people resort to the blame game.

I wonder what Dazai and Mori’s relationship would've looked like without any of this in the middle. Maybe something in cadence with Ranpo and Fukuzawa, but I can't help thinking that accepting Atsushi as his son in Beast instead of a student wasn't just for Atsushi’s sake. He was about to call him his student too, but immediately changed his mind. He already admitted he was helping him because of what happened to Dazai, so it can’t be a huge jump to think that in the same way this is Atsushi’s redo in building a relationship with a father figure, this is Mori’s redo to give him some atonement for the boy he failed.

A Mother’s Love

Kyouka, when we first meet her, appears as a force to be reckoned with. With skills a young girl shouldn’t have, and a demon shadowing behind, she’s a terrifying opponent. Quickly though, that appearance falls short in tragedy when the bomb Atsushi’s after is found on her own body and when he asks if she truly wants to kill... She has no answer, but her actions speak clearly. She gives him the defuser because she doesn’t want any more people to die, but the man behind the phone will not let it defuse.

So Kyouka does the next best thing to save more from dying: falling off the train with the bomb that’s about to go off. As long as she dies with it, nobody can use her and her abilities to massacre the people on the train when the bomb eventually fails to do what is necessary. Because that’s when Atsushi realizes that she cannot control her ability herself. No matter what she genuinely wants, she will never have the ability to obtain it because of this one fact. She can only be what people tell her she is.

We all know this story well, she gets saved by Atsushi and the man behind the phone is Akutagawa. Atsushi offers her the same kindness Dazai extended to him regardless of his reputation and destruction because it’d only be the right thing to do. He knows her incoming fate of eventual death for her crimes, he can’t do much, but she should at least experience normalcy this one time.

When she’s about to turn herself in, Akutagawa stops her and tells her she did her job well as a decoy for him to capture Atsushi. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a peculiar oddness about Akutagawa here in his attitude towards Kyouka. In all logic, even though she is a strong tool to the mafia, she’s a low-level member, a disobedient one at that, and should’ve been killed on sight for her betrayal considering how quick he is to violence, but he talks as if nothing even happened. He brushes off any thought of her dying as she’s spouting nonsense and that she’s going to go back to the mafia as normal.

But then he spouts off about how she’s better off dead on the ship if she stops killing. What’s up with that? It’s not completely obvious at first, but he’s projecting his own experiences in the slums and beliefs formed from Dazai’s mentoring onto her. From his time when he wasn’t in the mafia, he tells her there’s nothing left out there for people like them, there’s only rock bottom. He can confidently say that there is nowhere that would accept her for her ability, demon snow, because it’s the same for him.

The only way her life can have value is to kill to be useful, just like any good mafia member. It’s exactly why that flashback with Dazai happens here. He’s the one who fed him these thoughts he’s lived with for these past 6 years, and what she’s been believing for 6 months. He doesn’t loathe her, he sees it as doing a favor for her. What else can a little girl who can kill be use of except to kill in her circumstances?

Contrary to popular belief, he is not her abuser and is not the same thing Dazai was to him. He neither trained her nor did we have information on their relationship to come to that conclusion. The only thing we know is that he was the one sent to pick her up by the Port Mafia. We can prove she is not the way she is because Akutagawa since Beast, well, exists. She is one of the few characters I can confidently say was a victim of the Port Mafia itself and not just a person of the Port Mafia specifically.

Akutagawa was trying to be what Dazai was to him, but he is selling a bastardized version of it to her. The person who was her Dazai was Atsushi, the same person who was given Dazai’s act of kindness. Someone who has experienced the same things Akutagawa has and is living proof that she can hope for something better.

He could see that the same revenge and lack of regard for her life in her eye was the same kind he met Dazai with. Despite that, these lessons he’s internalized have helped no one, not even himself. She can’t find meaning in something that is the root cause of her suicidal ideation. This life is unfulfilling for people like them who need meaning in life. Akutagawa doesn't realize this because he still has Dazai to be his motivational goal. That’s why he failed to help Kyouka, Dazai’s efforts would’ve been considered an utmost failure too if he wasn’t actively trying to fix that misunderstanding. Kindness is what actively saves us and helps us grow, the harm in abusive environments will only stunt us. But what happens when kindness is offered to us, but nothing comes out of it except proving us right that we’re unsavable? Then you have Kouyou.

Kouyou is the second person I could say was a victim of the Port Mafia. She has the same belief Akutagawa had about people like them being unable to be saved, so the only thing they can do is embrace it. I can’t claim she was Kyouka’s abuser either as we again don’t know enough, but that doesn’t change that her behavior is emotionally abusive, and is a much better contender than he is.

She’s doing the same thing Akutagawa was doing himself. Seeing themselves in this child and doing what she “needs” instead of what she wants. Just like him, she views this as saving her from the hands of light that will never make room for them and will ignore everything else she says. When Akutagawa is faced with her “disillusionment”, he… accepts it when she refuses his will and chooses another path, but almost kills her to spare her from that decision that would “doom” her.

Kouyou is much less accepting, opting to kill the root source of this hope itself, Atsushi, because her fondness for Kyouka prevents her from leaving her for dead. In contrast to Akutagawa’s attempt at being what gives her life meaning, Kouyou wants to stop Atsushi from being like the same man who also gave her hope that they could escape to the world of light. She can’t bear to see Kyouka go through the same realization she did far too late.

I can see what you're thinking, why am I reluctant to call either of them Kyouka’s abuser? Even if Akutagawa doesn't count, shouldn't Kouyou count because she seems to have an actual relationship with her and her effects are prevalent in Beast, the same points I mentioned to debunk accusations against him? Sure actually, but think about it like this. What the Port Mafia does have in common with real situations is that this is a community that is full of victims who refuse to process their traumatic experiences for any reason, and bring down others to their level when they don’t fit in their narrative to justify what’s happened to them.

There isn’t just one abuser weighing over you, there's this collective pressure from so many who aren't your abuser but they still contribute to your abuse with their presence itself. If Dazai wasn’t there in the mafia, would Akutagawa's situation have changed? Yes. Now if Akutagawa or Kouyou weren’t in the mafia, would Kyouka's situation have changed? Not at all. She’d have fewer examples to refer to, but she’d still be abused. If it’s easier to imagine, think of it similarly to cult mentality and how they keep you in cults. That is the reason I emphasized being a victim of the Port Mafia instead of an individual. Kouyou, Q, and Kyouka, while you can pin their main perpetrators on certain people, their overall situation doesn't change.

Now why doesn’t she just use the phone herself instead of letting people call Demon Snow for her? Wouldn’t she have more agency that way? Atsushi proposes this, but she rejects it instantly. It’s a very simple answer, it’s the same reason she can’t bear to look at it outside of when she’s forced to use it in combat. It’s her ability that killed her parents and why she was forced into this position.

It’s not hard for a little girl to believe she’s nothing more than a killing machine when she sees that night her ability would mercilessly kill her parents. She eventually caves when Kouyou points out how quick she is to vindicate violence to protect that hope she desperately wants a part of, and how she will never change. Her first mission with the Armed Detective Agency is proof in itself. Was Atsushi going to keep extending his kindness after hearing what she could only blame herself for?

Kouyou is a character I’ve seen that gets a lot of double standards compared to all of the other characters I’ve mentioned with abusive tendencies and is almost purely liked. She’s not seen as an absolute monster (The director, Mori) or controversial with one side containing pure dislike and another pure love (Akutagawa, Dazai), it’s only that she’s a well-written, sympathetic badass girl boss. It’s either because she’s a woman, that she doesn’t use an overt intimidation style, that her motives are more obvious in their emotional influences, or all of the above that she’s not treated the same.

Kouyou’s motivations are not special, as I’ve said. The only thing that differentiates them from the others is that they’re not covered by a mask of indifference. As fond as she is for her, she’s not much different from anyone else who holds the mafia up in high regard. She weaponizes her words in where they’d hurt the most so Kyouka would come with her. The entire last section of their battle sums up with her saying, “Kyouka come with me, they’ll only use you for your Ability when they get a hold of it. Even if the mafia did the same thing, at least they’ll accept you for who you truly are: a natural-born killer. You don’t have to fight anymore, I’ll protect you.”

When Atsushi finds Kyouka once again subsequently in her disappearance, she chooses to embrace her violence to help the Armed Detective Agency in this fight with the Guild. After her walk in where she used to reside, she comes the the conclusion she no longer belongs there. Against Kouyou’s wishes, she will brandish her blade for a home. That blows up in her face the moment she starts. Atsushi gets taken, and it’s just as Kouyou said would happen. If even her violence doesn’t get her wish, then what can she do besides leave herself to her fate?

As someone who’s seen another with a talent for killing walk the path of good and is on that same path himself, Dazai talks to her. He tells her about how she hasn’t gone through her entrance exam yet, how she isn’t an official member because she hasn’t proven her will or life on the line to help people she doesn’t necessarily know. Kyouka doesn’t believe she could’ve passed if that’s what it takes, but Dazai doesn’t agree with the points she’s brought up. So what if she’s killed or considered dangerous? That doesn’t make her less qualified to be a part of the Detective Agency, everyone there is from different backgrounds.

She can’t know everything, not even about herself. Nobody does, but it takes others to see more of yourself. Excelling in one area doesn’t prevent you from nurturing your potential in another. What would that make someone like Atsushi, a person who’s been her guiding figure throughout—but was never seen as anything more than a threat or a beast because of his ability before he joined them? The truth is, our lives aren’t defined by one purpose the moment we’re born, it’s only something you can make for yourself. We’re not the places we’ve been raised in, not the ideas people apply to us, and we’re especially not defined by the traumatic experiences we had no control over.

All of it accumulates the person we are today, and we can’t change that no matter how much we resent parts of our image that don’t hold up to what society deems as right, but it shouldn’t take control over what we want for ourselves. It isn’t fair for the victims who were forced into a life where they had to fend for themselves, the children who had to navigate an adult’s messed up world that didn’t have room for them to grow as kids should. Forced into a box where they stay unaware that they’ve ever left their mother’s womb, break out in fury with eyes that grew up too early—only to become lost and thrown away, or rot in that box without a single person knowing they were a breathing, living human being.

I deem abuse selfish for this very reason. Kouyou is wrong for this very reason. If she finds comfort in her reasoning, then I can’t critique her for her own choices and will have to respect her for choosing to stay in the mafia even when the old boss is dead, every abuse victim is different, but not a single person is born evil or good, in the dark or light. Not a soul has to stay in one place because they started there. It’s going to be a hard journey to truly achieve what you long for, results aren’t immediate and not everyone gets there no matter their effort, but still try. Try because it’s still worth trying, because you’re still worth more than you think.

In parallel, you can only get there as long as you’re seeking it. Too many see the Armed Detective Agency as something that will automatically save characters just by working there, but the only way it can help them is if they seek out their help themselves. The ADA is not the right place for every character, but Kyouka does want a place there. After her conversation with Dazai, she knows what she wants to do now. She will smash the drone she’s in into Moby Dick so nobody will have to die, but sacrifice her own life in the process. She’s chained to this place, but her choices aren’t.

She doesn’t have to die with regret, with this she can pass the entrance exam and become an agency member like she wanted. She made a difference for herself just by this act. It’d be a pretty melancholy arc if it ended like that, thank god we know it doesn’t end like this. When you become a full agency member, you gain more control over your ability, meaning—

She’s fine.

The exposition is over, let’s talk about Kyouka. Her arc is beautiful and the neglect to talk about her when it comes to her abuse story besides saying, “She’s the one who stopped the abuse cycle” and then nothing else is heartbreakingly superficial. She didn’t stop it, it’s impossible to, but she did break out of it. Kyouka’s section has more exposition than the others but I expected that. I wanted to save her for last because she’s the only one whose arc has come to a peaceful conclusion and not unfinished, and the lighter message felt nice to leave off on.

I shouldn’t berate Kouyou too much, the only reason she stayed in that room after being captured by the ADA is because she did want Kyouka to experience what she never had, and speaking with Dazai helped reassure her that Kyouka would be able to achieve her dreams. It’s no longer the age of the old boss. As well as her shedding the truth about her parent’s death so she wouldn’t have to resent her ability as not an avatar of massacre, but a product of her parents’ love that will always stay with her. She didn’t let go of the phone she’s had this entire time because her mother told her not to let it go.

Me going over Kouyou in this fashion is not me saying you shouldn’t love her character, I like her too. It’s just that it’s passed over so fast what she did, but somehow Akutagawa is more at fault here is mind-boggling. I’d get it a little more if this is because she redeemed herself by wanting the best for Kyouka over what was best for the mafia, but I doubt that’s the case when that moment is talked about so little as well.

I genuinely need you all to understand that not every character is going to have a satisfying, clean conclusion like this. Akutagawa’s story is most likely not going to have a conclusion that satisfies everyone and you should respect it when it comes. There’s no perfect way of writing abuse, but there’s no correct way of doing it either. I don’t think Dazai is going to have the repercussions you want him to have any time soon. If you got the message from Beast, getting revenge on an abuser doesn’t make us feel better or let us process what happened to us. Total resentment keeps us stuck.

The only thing that will heal us is the kindness so many offer in this series. You in no way need to extend that kindness to an abuser, you don’t need to forgive them or let them into your life again, but be kind to yourself and don’t let resentment prevent you from focusing on yourself. Forgiveness and reconnection are not the same thing. Don’t be angry when a victim does want those things. Unless it’s character inconsistent, that’s not something we shouldn’t have any opinion on as the right or wrong way to go about their lives. What if later they do change their mind and want something different from what they originally planned? That’s fine too. Everyone is different. Don’t give unsolicited advice to people who do not want it, let them decide for themselves. It is the best thing you can do.

The worst abusers are the ones who refuse to change and see wrong in what they’re doing, but what about the ones who do want that? Then also let them heal. They did something awful, why isn’t it a good thing they want to stop it now? You don’t have to let them in just because they changed though. Apologies don’t fix the damage already done, but to some victims, it feels nice to feel that what’s been done to them is acknowledged. You don’t want them to hurt others the way they’ve done to you, and neither do they. It hurts to let them forgive themselves when you haven’t and never will, you want to see them suffer, but that’s the only way things can change.

Dazai has changed, is he a good person even after what he’s done? I despise this question for any character of this series. He’s grown so much, and if you don’t think so, reread his conversation with Kyouka I beg of you. It is a far cry from his mindset in the mafia. A better person for sure, but a good person is hard to define for anyone in this series. The mafia is still the mafia, do any of them qualify as good people? The government, even if it’s the position of the right in society, is still an unjust system.

What a good person is cannot be an objective answer, people think there is but it’s not. A good person is how much we know about them and where our position in life affects our viewpoint. Prejudice values don’t make you correct in what you think a good person is, being convicted of a crime, one you might not even have committed, doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, being associated with a group doesn’t mean anything about who you are, etc. It’s all subjective in the end.

Meaning someone like Odasaku is essential in a story like this. He still has a presence in this narrative, even if he died in a light novel, because his existence pushes the boundaries of a “good person” in the fact his contradictory existence establishes itself. He failed in walking the path he wanted, but he doesn’t regret it even in his dying moments trying to.

Afterthoughts

The themes of morality and humanity go hand in hand with the abuse present in Bungou Stray Dogs, so it was hard avoiding talking about this when it was necessary. I don’t think it’s right of us to judge a character’s path that isn’t finished, in a story that’s nowhere near done. Ultimately, I’m only talking in a place of experience but never will it make me exempt from any personal bias. I tried to be as objective and nuanced as I could about this, and I hope it shows.

Abuse isn’t one of those things that I can analyze from any logical stand point or take resources to back my statements up about abuse. Of course everything I say can be backed up, but abuse is a personal, human matter and we’re just human being trying to figure out more than we can handle. I just couldn’t be comfortable with how people are now choosing to talk about Asagiri and needed to shed some light in what you’re missing.

Now I could’ve gone over Higuchi or Lucy because their stories also involve abuse, but I don’t think I could say anything new about them without repeating points I’ve already said. We know very little about Higuchi and what made her so devoted to Akutagawa, and Lucy is pretty quick to summarize considering her story is just like Atsushi’s. Q is also a character to be brought up but I don’t have enough information on them to say much about any abuse itself that happened.

Yosano was also an option but I don’t think anyone had any trouble understanding her backstory. Well I was only really aiming to speak about what’s not been spoken enough. Thank you for reading haha, god this thing is monstrous. Already got to 14k words by the time I was officially done…. I didn’t know if I wanted to lean into character analysis or just exposition, I hope it’s a good enough mix of both. This took way longer than the 4 days I was planning to write this in.

I was later reminded that I could do a post on how their abilities functioned and reflect on their abuse/traumatic events, but I didn’t think I’d have enough room for that here. It could be a bonus post eventually? I don’t think I did Kyouka enough justice in that aspect, but i’d just be beating myself up again about not making this perfect.

I hope I don’t come off scary or a very serious person? I’m very open to requests or discussions people want to engage in. Oh jeez, I’ll just embarrass myself if I keep talking. Writing this was a bit much, never really liked writing stuff myself. Sorry if glossed over anything, I wanted to stay on topic and not detail into something unnecessary.

The message BSD has is a pretty normal one, but there’s something very special about how it’s written here and I’m happy it exists. Maybe I shouldn’t have made this so long? But there’s so much to express sigh……

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pauking5 · 7 months

Text

Addicting Taste Chapter 3

Synopsis: Enishi Yukishiro was on a mission to execute his piece de la resistance. A plan to avenge his beloved sister. Until you showed up. Will you be a part of his downfall or will you try to save him?

Pairing: Enishi Yukishiro x reader oc

Genre: strangers to lovers, sunshine and sunshine protector, comedic relief, slow burn, a lot of fluff

Words: 8k+

A/N: Chapter 3 is finally here! It is more of a filler to give you more of a back story on our lovely oc. Things will start picking up speed soon :) Enjoy lovelies.

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“You’re the boss of the Shanghai mafia.” “You’ve been saying that for the past five minutes.”

This was too much for your brain to process.

He’s a mafia boss? He was the person in command of the gang with some of the best mercenaries in the whole continent? And you just so happened to get involved with his kind?

You hated his kind. They took everything from you and left you with nothing. You were on a mission to wipe them out no matter what. But your confidence was currently faltering and you couldn't stop the trembling that overtook your hands.

You sat down on the couch in front of the desk he was leaning on, feeling too overwhelmed. The embroidered plush seat offered you some comfort, providing relief to your aching back and tense muscles.

You couldn’t comprehend this situation at all. Nothing about it made sense. You stared into the nothingness in front of you, trying to find some sort of clarity. All kinds of thoughts swarmed around your mind, ranging from worse to well, much worse.

Enishi observed you from his spot against the mahogany desk. He looked worried, which was a first. Your sudden quietness was like a bad omen. The moment you stopped smiling was the moment light disappeared from the room. The paleness of your face and the way your hands trembled told him something was very wrong.

He felt that squeeze in his chest again, wanting to hear you beaming and chatting eagerly again. He didn't know what made him react like this whenever he was around you but it drove him insane. He wanted to say something, anything to bring back your smile, but he couldn’t exactly find the right words. So he settled on a distraction. The reason he brought you over to his mansion.

“You can stay here for the night. I owe you that much,” he said. He wanted you to react, to say something, anything.

You turned your head in his direction, eyes lost in a spiraling abyss. Stay here? I can’t stay here.

But where am I supposed to go? I’m not exactly able to find another place to stay, especially around here. And it’s pretty late already.

What’s gonna happen if I spend one night here? He will eat me. Or send me to the woods as wolf bait. I could make friends with the wolves though. They might not eat me.

He watched as you thought his proposal through. You tilted your head on all sides, analysing all possible scenarios whilst anxiously bouncing your leg. Then finally, your small voice broke through the room, barely audible to anyone else but the both of you.

“I… I don’t want to be a bother.”

“Nonsense. You took me in and you didn’t have to after everything. Please stay… for tonight?” he pushed, unsure of how else to plead with you. He couldn’t believe that he was begging for a stranger to stay the night.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” he asks, surprised that you accepted his offer.

You nodded shyly to show him your certainty and he felt relieved. He didn’t know why he needed you to accept so bad. All he knew was that he wanted you here for as long as he could have you.

Your bright aura somehow mingled with his dark one and they couldn’t be separated anymore. It was like you were magnets, unknowingly attracting each other.

“Come with me,” he said as he took your hand and pulled you off the couch. His grip on your hand was even softer than the first time he grabbed it when you escaped the precinct. It gave you goosebumps again.

He led you out of his office, taking a left down a long corridor. The tall walls were decked with even more paintings. They were all so captivating, landscapes and silhouettes mingling into one as you flew by. But one in particular caught your attention. Pale orange and green bled to make a sunset, cresting over the steep hills of a valley. There was something about the way the green from the bottom morphed into a dark blue the more your eyes went up the slopes and the sky got darker. It strangely reminded you of Enishi’s eyes, the same dark blue hue gracing the outline of his irises. The hills sat strong and reliable, guarding a tiny village down in the valley. They were letting just enough sunlight in to shine down on its crops. It was beautiful. You wished you could look at it for longer but the hand holding yours was itching to get somewhere.

The wooden floors creaked under your steps the more pressure you put on them. The mansion may have looked like a new building from the outside, but the interior seemed lived in for decades prior to your visit. Tapered walls curled in some corners as if they were afraid that standing straight would be too painful. White silk curtains flowed by the windows in a ghostly dance, twisting and twirling against each other and resisting the close pull of the wind. They would push and pull until one of them kicked the other out in the cold even if they didn’t mean to.

You were yanked back to reality by Enishi’s feet coming to a halt in front of a pair of oak double doors. Pushing them open with a creak, he walked you in, his hand still holding yours.

A gasp got stuck in your throat as you took in the sight before you. A beige princess-like aesthetic dominated the whole room, from the queen-sized bed to the vanity in the corner. The wooden floors decorated with floral carpets contrasted perfectly with the style. A few more paintings hung off the walls to add some colour to the space. It was almost identical to your old bedroom back home.

He watched as you marveled at the room’s interior. Your cheeks gained back their blush came and you looked like your normal self again. Looking down at your interlocked hands he noticed that your hand stopped trembling too. It was only then he saw how well your small hand fit in his. It looked protected from any possible danger that could ever threaten you. He kind of liked the feeling.

“It’s beautiful,” you said as you snapped him back to the present.

“I hope it’s gonna be to your liking. In case you want to… stay longer than just for tonight.”

You turned back to him. It was a tempting offer. You didn’t have a place waiting for you or anything urgent to tend to. But you needed some time to mull it over, starting with everything that happened in the last 24 hours.

“I’ll think about it,” you said, trying to not get his hopes up too much.

You weren’t sure why he wanted you to stay. You were strangers after all. You weren’t useful to him in any way and you weren’t really planning to be.

“I’ll leave you to it. There should be towels in the bathroom. If there’s anything else you need please let me know.”

He was awfully hospitable to you and you found yourself a little unable to refuse him. Those eyes of his started charming you to accept anything he could ask of you. They looked so doe and warm whenever he looked at you. It made you wonder if he's ever looked at anyone else like that.

“Thank you,” you said shyly.

Nodding to you he headed towards the door. You didn’t even realise he was still holding your hand this whole time until he let go. You were kind of getting used to his cold fingers lacing with your warm ones. With his hand on the door handle, he threw one more look your way to see if you’re okay and he left for his office.

You walked further into the room and sat down on the bed. Feeling the golden patterns sawn on the duvet on top you sighed. You felt nothing but drained. All you wanted to do was to lay down and sleep. But after taking a whiff of your blouse you thought a shower would do you better first. You couldn't roll around in these expensive sheets smelling like a pig.

If the room impressed you, the bathroom left you even more in awe. The gold and white aesthetic seemed to whirl around in here too. Your family was somewhat well off from the tailoring business and your house was nice, but this was next level rich. The tiles on the floor were sparkling clean and a floral design spread across the walls from corner to corner. The sink surface was marble and the cabinets had golden handles with all kinds of drawings resembling birds. A deep bathtub in the corner had brass designs on the feet supporting it and they were like an artwork in itself. The whole bathroom screamed comfort and relaxation. You were pretty sure that if heaven existed this was it.

“Maybe I don’t have to leave this place so soon... IS THAT BUBBLE SHAMPOO?!”

—————————————————————————

After a long shower you were dressed in clean clothes and ready for bed. Diving under the big duvet and setting your head on the soft pillows, you sighed and closed your eyes waiting for sleep to take you. A few minutes turned to a few hours and you couldn’t fall sleep. You tossed and turned around until the whole bed was thrashed.

Flopping on your back you huffed an exasperated sigh and sat up. Thinking of what could do the trick and lull you to sleep somehow you remembered tea was always a go to solution. Tea it is.

Kicking back the duvet you let your feet pad onto the wooden floors and out of your room. You didn’t know the place so getting to the kitchen was an adventure. You circled the mansion multiple times before you found it… three doors down from your own. Well, you had to admit your sense of direction wasn’t the greatest.

Pushing the doors open, your feet met the cold tiled floor. The kitchen was more of a green and beige cottage style making it look so cozy. A big kitchen island entered your vision, furnished in the same marble the bathroom sink in your room had.

Your room. Huh. You could get used to that actually.

The island stretched in the middle of the cooking area, with a few stools around the side. Sliding your palm along its smooth top you couldn’t help but wonder how rich this man actually was. Like sure, arms trades were hugely profitable in these times, but that couldn’t be a big source of income.

Turning to the shelving you noticed there were a lot of them. You scourged every single cabinet until you found a mug and what looked like a tiny satchel of herbs. Holding it to your nose you smelled it to discover it was hibiscus tea.

Is this a joke? Of all the teas I could find, it’s my favourite. The one I used to drink a lot as a kid. A soft smile took over your lips as you scanned the tiny satchel.

You couldn’t help but relish in the small moment as you were brewing your tea. You haven’t had a warm cup in a long time and it got you excited. Letting the herb mix sit for a few minutes, you took the teapot and slowly poured it into the cup. You got lost in the rosy colour of the liquid and filled the cup to the top on accident.

“Oh, crap,” you said as you leaned down to slurp the drink so it wouldn’t overflow.

Just as you leaned back up a deep voice spoke to you from the door of the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?”

The sudden disturbance made you jump, knocking the cup to the floor in the process. The tiny porcelain smashed to the floor and broke into dozens of small pieces. Your eyes widened and you quickly scrambled to the floor to pick them up muttering curses.

“Shit. I’m… I was just… the tea…”

You didn’t even realise he was crouching next to you until his hand latched onto yours, stopping you from reaching for a sharp piece.

“You’re gonna get hurt.”

As you looked up your eyes met his. They looked troubled, sailing in stormy waters and his words sounded like a warning of something far worse than a ceramic cut on your finger. He wasn’t telling you off for breaking the cup. He was telling you off for being clumsy. Was he worried?

The way his eyes peered into you made your insides flutter. You felt your cheeks getting warm and your throat got dry the more you continued with this staring contest. So before you could crumple your pride and throw it to the bin you pulled your hand away from his and sat up straight. He seemed to snap out of a similar trance as he coughed and shook his head.

You leaned back on the counter and watched as he picked up the rest of the broken china. When he finished inspecting the tiles for any stray bits he got back up and dropped the contents in his hand in the bin.

Then he turned to you and he had that look again. The same one he had in that alley as he took your breath away. He took you in, from your wet hair to the bathrobe that sat secure over your nightgown. He took slow steps towards you, making you push farther into the island counter. Coming close enough that your noses almost touched, he put his hands on the counter top on each of your sides. He caged you between his body and the marble island and you felt your heartbeat rising to an all time high. Leaning even closer to your face he stopped at a distance you could feel his breath fan your lips.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“W-what question?” you stuttered. Why am I stuttering?! I need to get a grip.

“What are you doing here?” he asked again, this time with a teasing smirk playing on his lips. He loved how initiating the smallest proximity between you was enough to make you cave. If he could have you like this every day he would.

“I couldn’t sleep,” you admitted dropping your head to the ground to avoid his prying eyes. When you lowered your head he was hit with your fresh rosy scent. It drove him wild.

Trying to muster up some courage you pushed a question his way too.

“What mafia member drinks hibiscus tea?”

“I do.”

“You do?” you replied a little surprised. Last time you checked hibiscus was too girly for men.

“Yeah. It’s the only tea I like.”

You’ve got to be shitting me. The boss of the powerful Shanghai mafia likes hibiscus tea. You tried to keep your giggles to yourself but failed.

“Hey! Why are you laughing?”

“Nothing. I just… this is too good. The leader of one of the most feared mafias in the world drinks hibiscus tea! Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?“

You continued laughing until your stomach hurt. He shook his head at your antics and stepped away from you, freeing you from his hold.

“I’ll make you another one.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Just shut up and sit down.”

You obeyed and took a seat on the other side of the island. Watching as he made quick work of the teapot with his back turned to you, you couldn’t help but wonder how muscly he was underneath that blouse. You smacked your cheeks lightly to make these thoughts disappear from your head just as Enishi turned around with a freshly brewed cup of tea. He walked around the island and placed it down in front of you, taking a seat by your side.

“Why are you up this late?”

“I told you, I couldn’t sleep. Figured a tea wouldn’t hurt,” you said as you scratched the back of your neck. “Why are you up this late?”

“I don’t really sleep that much.”

You could tell from his sunken eyes and the bags pooling around his orbits that he lacked sleep. What was he working on so hard in the middle of the night?

“Do you want to talk about it? Or we could talk about something else. Like the fact that you’re really good with those guns.” He was deflecting but you let him off this time.

“I’m not. It’s just something that helped me survive in the long-run. My father used to teach me how to shoot in our garden, whenever mom went down to the market. The pistols I use were his,” you said with a small smile recalling all the times your mother caught the two of you and scolded your dad.

Enishi noticed how relaxed you got whenever you talked about your family. It seemed you were brought up in a really loving one. He’s always wondered how that felt like.

“What happened to them?”

“That’s a story for another time. But after that… I had to leave and try to survive on my own. I joined a few fighting rings in Edo and I learned a thing or two about combat and shooting.”

“Wait. Fighting rings all the way in Edo?”

“Yeah. It was the only place I could make some money and have a roof above my head. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world but it was decent. I did that for a few years until my reputation got the best of me.”

“What do you mean by reputation?”

“I was known for leaving my opponents in a pool of their own blood whenever they underestimated me,” you said as you sipped on your tea.

“Wait,” his brain seemed to shortcircuit as it recalled a few memories. It all suddenly clicked in his head. “ You’re Barairo?!”

“At your service,” you smiled.

Flashback

Rounding the corner, Enishi continued following a man he caught sight of on the street. He heard him talking about a fighting ring down in the suburbs and the exclusive fight happening tonight.

He’s been constantly hearing about this fighter called Barairo. There was no way they could be that good that the whole city would talk about them. So he went to see it for himself.

Sneaking behind the man he got inside an underground tunnel and continued following him. The closer he got to the end of the tunnel the louder the yelling got.

Coming out of the tunnel he saw a bunch of people gathered around the mouth of a pit. They were chanting as two fighters took center stage. He stepped closer to the barrier to take a look.

“In the corner we have the big and bulky fury. All the way from Osaka, please welcome the shadow of night, Yanokage.”

He raised his axe in the air and hit his fist on his chest in a show of power but people didn’t really cheer for him. It seemed like they were waiting eagerly for the other opponent to make their presence known.

“In this corner we have our pride. Representing Edo, please welcome our crimson rose, Barairo.” Cheers erupted from all sides. Seems like they all came for… her? Barairo is a girl? She doesn’t even look much older than me.

As she stepped closer to the middle of the pit, he got a better look at her. Her clothes were torn on all sides and her hair was long, cascading down her shoulders. Her hands were holding two pistols in a death grip. Her eyes were screaming crimson red, just like her nickname, and they had a murderous glint. As if all it took was a wrong breath in her direction and she would skewer you with her guns without even pulling the trigger.

“Let the fight begin!”

“A girl is the famous Barairo? Ha ha ha! A girl. This is ridiculous,” Yanokage said as he was twirling his axe around.

His laugh was enough to make her look his way. A sickening grin took over her features. Oh, this guy was fucked.

She let him bask in the moment. But he was just a little fish that didn’t know it was caged with the biggest shark. Testing the territory of his predator was going to cost him dearly.

Seeing his hesitation in attacking she took the reins and with one swift kick to his ankles he was sprawled on the ground. She straddled his middle, dragging her pistols down his neck as she watched him struggle. How she managed to pin him to the floor when he was twice her size was beyond me.

Yanokage got annoyed by her antics so he threw her off to the side with a grunt and got back to his feet.

“I’m going to enjoy killing you, little girl.”

He launched himself at her but she was quick to dodge his attacks. When he got tired of swinging his axe she started digging punches everywhere she saw a spot left unprotected. The force of her moves pushed him back making him stumble on his feet. With one swing of her leg she got high enough to hit his face. A few teeth flew out of his mouth onto the floor.

He was pissed and he wanted to end her. But before he could take a step in her direction she pulled the trigger. Not just once or twice, but multiple times. He didn’t even get a chance to block the fire, his body getting churned by all the bullets she fired his way. What was scarier was that she was smiling. She was enjoying this in a sick way and the crowd loved it.

The cheers intensified as the bulky man crumbled to the floor of the pit. The girl took her guns and headed towards her corner to exit stage. Before she went inside she turned to the gray dot in her peripheral vision. A gray mop of hair was staring down at her from the end of the railing. She stared back at him and he noticed a change in her eyes. They were sad and filled with regret, a total contrast to the sadistic look she had a few moments ago. One blink and she was gone from his sight.

After that, he went to a few of her next fights and studied her combat style. She moved on impulse and trusted her gut but she was lacking the force to execute them. Her small stature allowed her to lead her enemies into a trap, waiting ready to kill them in cold blood. That was the last he’s seen of you before he left Edo. Until now.

————

You looked different now. The energy around you was changed. Your smile didn’t hold that much murderous intent. It brimmed with calm and peace. It was like Barairo didn’t even exist.

“Why did you stop?”

“I was good. But it was only an outlet for frustration. I couldn’t control her anymore. She consumed me to the point everything I did felt empty,” you said with a heavy sigh.

“Barairo is in the past. She was angry and upset at the world. The best thing I could do for her is let her go. For both my peace and hers.”

“After that, some rich people hired me to get rid of their trash. Bureau officials, clan members stepping wrong, their spouses’ secret lovers. It wasn’t much better but it’s the only job I could do,” you said as you rolled the remaining tea in the cup.

He listened intently as you told him about your past, a part of it at least. He knew you had your limits. You weren’t Barairo anymore. You were Miyu now. And he was the only one to meet both of you.

“You know, the men that work for me are all skilled in steel weapons, like knives or swords. But I don’t have anyone who can shoot a gun on my team.”

He knew what he asked of you was way over the border. What he asked of you was commitment. A long term job. Something you’ve done before that left you asking yourself if anything you were doing was worth it.

“Enishi…”

“I could pay you. Anything. You’d have a roof over your head and… warm tea every night.”

“But I’m not trained in combat properly and I don’t know how to use other weapons. And you saw how my stamina is the worst part about me.”

“I could train you. We could make it become the best thing about you.”

We. He really wanted you here. The truth was that he didn’t want you to wake up tomorrow and go out the door knowing he might never see you again when he finally found you again after all these years.

“You don’t have to give me an answer right now. Just sleep on it and tell me what you decide in the morning,” he said as a small smile graced his lips.

Were you dreaming? Enishi was actually smiling? A real genuine smile that wasn’t his usual cocky grin? Maybe you needed to get to bed first before doing any rational thinking.

“Okay. I’ll think about it,” you say as you got up to put your cup in the sink, heading towards the door. Before you walked off you turned back to Enishi to find him looking right back at you.

“Thank you. For the tea… and everything,” you said, smiling.

With that you quickly spun on your feet and made your way back to your room. Enishi was left in a daze staring at the spot you were at mere seconds ago. He felt his heart squeeze again and punched the feeling away with his fist. Was he getting sick or something?

You got in bed and felt sleep take you as soon as you slipped under the covers. You kind of made up your mind regarding what Enishi asked you. Smiling to yourself you drifted off to sleep.

————————————————————————

You woke up pretty early. The room was still pretty dark with the October mornings keeping the world in slumber for a few more hours. You sat up with a stretch and went over to your bag to pick an outfit for today. Most of your clothes needed serious washing. Going for a clean shirt with silk strings laced up at the front and a pair of practical pants you changed and made your way to the kitchen.

You thought of reviving your cooking skills by making some food for everyone, to repay the hospitality. Counting about ten men you saw around the mansion, including Enishi, you went looking through the cupboards again. Unfortunately, you came to the conclusion that there weren’t enough supplies to make anything.

Just as you were recalculating your plan you caught sight of a figure leaning on the doors that went from the kitchen to the outside terrace. Checking to see who it was, you found the monnocle guy from last night.

“Good morning madame,” he saluted you, rather enthusiastically at the ass crack of dawn.

“Good morning…”

“Wu Heixing, madame!”

“Good morning, Wu. You don’t have to call me madame.”

“It’s to show my respect to you as you’re a guest of Master Enishi.” The members of this mafia surprised you one by one.

“Do you happen to know if there’s a market nearby? I want to cook something for you all.”

“There is one in the village down in the valley. You have to go through the meadow though.”

“Thank you.”

“With pleasure, madame.”

You found a shopping basket laying around and got your coin pouch, leaving for the meadow to try and find the village. Just as you reached it, the sun started rising up in the sky. The light made it easier to notice the busying merchants and all their carts already set all around the small square.

Your stomach was growling at the sight before you. Vegetables, fruits, cured meat, pastries. Your mouth watered at all the delicacies. As you were browsing the vendors you spotted the farmer that gave you a ride yesterday. He was in charge of a cart full of fruits. He recognised you right away and sent you a polite smile.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning, miss.”

“Thank you again for the ride yesterday.”

“It was no problem. I’m always glad to help Master Enishi considering all that he does for us.”

He was helping out the villagers? Huh. It seemed like he had more layers to him than you thought. You wanted to find out more.

“What does he help out with?”

“He helps us with the crops every once in a while. He’s also our main customer and always comes here on Sundays to get food for his family.”

Ah, so the villagers don’t know the mafia lives close by and that Enishi is the boss. Or they do, but they’re too charmed by him to question it.

“Is there anything I could get for you, miss?”

“Yes! Give me all the fresh produce you’ve got.”

You went around shopping for everything you needed to prepare a hearty lunch and to have some food around. With your basket full to the brim you checked your coin satchel. You had only one left. Everything you had left from your jobs was spent on all the food you balanced on your arms.

“I spent them well. This was for a good cause,” you thought to yourself, shedding a small tear as you walked back to the mansion.

—————————————————————————

The kitchen smelled absolutely divine. The scent of different flavors danced around in the air, reaching all the way to Enishi’s office. He was fast asleep on the chair after working on plans all night.

Something tingled his nose and made him wake up. A few quick whiffs of the scent made his stomach grumble. The pronounced aroma of a pork roast and the distinctive spices of a vegetable soup put him in a trance.

He was on autopilot as he made a beeline towards the kitchen, debating whom could it be that cooked food this divine. Wu couldn’t stir a soup to save his life. The rest of his goons were not kitchen staff material either. That left only… you.

Pushing open the double doors to the kitchen, the smell was so intense it hit him like a train. He closed his eyes in silent appreciation and just took in the tang of spices sitting in the air.

Opening them he took sight of the whole kitchen. The oven was set on the roast while busy hands worked on stirring the soup on the stove. The island was filled with all different kinds of specialties already prepared. Fruit platters, fried rice, boiled eggs, trays of steamed dumplings, even salads. There was enough to feed a whole army. You definitely thought of everyone around the villa.

Creeping closer he saw you sway around humming a tune foreign to his ears. An orange apron hugged your body and looked adorable on you. You had a small smile on your face as you stirred the contents in the pot and he couldn’t help but smile at you.

An evil idea crossed his mind as he sneaked up behind you and put his hands on your waist. You jumped at the sudden contact and were ready to smack whoever sneaked up on you with the wooden spoon. That was until a familiar chuckle came from behind and you relaxed in the hold.

“I almost had a heart attack,” you say turning around and smacking him on the chest. “Don’t ever sneak up on me like that again.”

“Okay, okay. I won’t. I promise.”

“You better,” you say still smiling.

You stayed like that for a few more moments until the smell of the pork roast getting a little too roasted alerted you it needed to be pulled out of the oven. Breaking away from him, you spun around to the oven and got it out, placing it on the stove to check it. Cutting a small piece you blew air on it and held it to Enishi’s mouth. He hesitated at first, but the rumble of his stomach made him take a bite.

The more he chewed on it the more his insides melted at the amazing taste. He hasn’t had this kind of tasty cooking since his sister. He does cook for his gang members but it could never come close to the magic you made.

“It tastes amazing, Miyu.”

“Thank you,” you say with a smile.

He was melting inside again but he couldn’t tell if it was because of the food or your smile.

“Can I help with anything?”

“Yes! You can call everyone to the table outside and take some of the food out there.”

With a nod he picked up a few trays and headed outside. He was surprised to see the table wiped clean with cutlery and dishes already arranged for everyone.

As soon as the soup was done cooking, you served the food to everyone and went back inside to put everything back to its place. By the time you were done, everyone was done, leaving only you and Enishi at the table.

“Come sit and eat with me.”

“You didn’t eat with everyone?”

“I was waiting for you.”

Despite his stomach protesting at the lack of contents inside he decided to wait for you as you surely didn’t eat anything either.

“Well I’m here now so let’s dig in.”

You piled two plates up high with everything you cooked and dove straight in. The way you were gobbling up food in a very wild manner made Enishi stop mid-way from slurping his bowl of soup to look at you. Despite your lack of table manners, he thought you looked absolutely adorable. Sensing him staring you looked at him and stopped chewing.

“What?” you said with a mouth full of food.

“You have something on your face.”

“I do? Where?”

“Here,” he said as he raised a hand to your lips to get the hanging piece of salad away.

“Thank you.”

The only sounds in the air were of you enjoying the lunch together. The silence made your mind wander back to his question last night.

Did he still want you to stay? What if he changed his mind? What if you made up your mind for nothing? Deciding to get it over with you swallowed the food and took a breath.

“I need to talk to you about something. It’s about what you asked me last night.”

“Go on.”

Taking a chug of water from your glass you braced your throat to tell him your answer.

“I decided… to stay. I’ll join you.”

“Wait. Really?”

“Yes. I don’t really have anything else to do and I could use something to work on for the time being,” you say taking another sip of water.

“Great. Then we can start training tomorrow.” You spit out the water you were drinking.

“TOMORROW?! So soon?”

“I don’t have time to waste especially with the failed plan that got me in the precinct a few nights ago. We need to get going.”

You nodded sinking back into your chair as you ate a little slower. You had no idea what awaited tomorrow you, but it should be quite an enjoyable experience to receive training from someone like Enishi.

————————————————————————

There was nothing enjoyable about this shit. Instructor Enishi was a total asshole. You could barely hold your own and he threw you straight into combat with his goons. Something about ‘building character through practice’. You defended all their attacks but you couldn’t get absolutely none in.

“If you’re going to keep defending you will tire out faster than your opponent.” He was watching you from the side as five of his men ambushed you.

“It’s kind of impossible to attack when I don’t know how,” you strained as you defended a few more punches thrown your way. You lost your footing for a second and a punch was dug into your side so harshly that it threw you to the other side of the garden. You groaned as you hit the ground face-down, tasting some grass in your mouth. A pair of feet came into view as you lifted your head up off the ground to see a familiar mop of hair towering over you.

“Giving up already?” he teased as he crouched down next to you.

You weren’t going to give him the satisfaction. No, you were going to prove a point. That you belonged here.

So grabbing a fistful of grass you sat up and dusted your clothes of the dirt. Huffing out a breath you ran into the circle of men and went at it again. And again. And again. You only got a few kicks and punches in each time before you were thrown back to the ground.

“Enough. You’re dismissed.”

You leaned against a nearby tree and took a breather. Your face was covered in dirt and dust pricked at your eyes. You were nothing short of frustrated with yourself. Staring at your hands you tried to visualise the attacks she used to do. You couldn’t bring that fight instinct back no matter how hard you tried and it drove you up the fucking wall.

Shooting wasn’t a problem, but combat was essential. You had to rewire those instincts back into you somehow, but you were lost on where to even begin.

Enishi walked over and sat down in front of you. He saw the look in your eyes as you scanned your hands. He could tell you were afraid. You couldn’t let Barairo back in without losing yourself in the process and he had to find a way to help you.

“I saw you fighting back then.” Your eyes snapped up at him as he spoke. “I was amazed at how a small teenage girl could manhandle all those beasts. I snuck in a few of your fights and studied the way you moved a lot.”

“If you can’t remember the way I’ll teach it to you. We can start at the beginning and work our way up again.”

There was that word again. We. He was so adamant on training you the best he could. But he couldn’t do it if you weren’t willing to. It’s not that you didn’t want to. You just couldn’t.

“What if I’m a total waste of time?”

“If you were,” he got up and dusted his pants, “I wouldn’t have asked you to join me.”

That was enough to drive you back to your hopeful self. Maybe you could do this. Maybe you could become good without bringing that monster back. You just needed to try.

—————————————————————————

The next few days were spent running over the basics. Increasing your stamina was the first goal on the list. It looked easy in your head. That was until Enishi turned full commando on you.

You were hiking the hills and the trails around the village at least twice a day. He increased the pace every time you went there. You took short breaks every half an hour only to do sit ups or climb a tree to strengthen your muscles. He always chose the most difficult trees and it felt like it was on purpose at times.

You were currently sat in one of the trees about three meters from the ground, hugging its trunk like a koala as you sat on a branch. You were exhausted out of your mind.

“Come on, Miyu.”

“Can I stay here for five minutes?”

“We’re only halfway through the hike. If you’re not coming down I’m leaving you here.”

“WAIT!”

Despite all the difficulties of training there was one part of it you really enjoyed. The sight of Enishi in a tank top as he walked in front of you. It was the highlight of your day.

You came out of the woods to a clearing, a river running through the dunes and down to the village. Enishi went closer to get some water, gathering it in his hands. After sipping on it he gathered a bit more and swept it back over his face and hair. Droplets of water were shamelessly running down his arms, making his veins sparkle. Some of it was going down his chest soaking his tank top and letting you see a little more of the hidden goodies.

You were sure you were drooling as your trance blurred all of your surroundings. Taking a step forward you failed to see the rocks on the ground, slipping and falling into a grass patch to the side. Enishi’s head snapped to you.

“You good?”

“I’m good,” you say, giving him a thumbs up from your spot on the ground.

You continued on your trail until you reached the last tree line to the top of the hill. Your lungs were heaving and your breath was anything but normal. If I just let myself fall would I reach the bottom faster? Looking behind you to see the distance to the bottom you shook your head to get rid of the thought.

The tree line ended and you came to a big opening. You made it to the top of the hill. So the training was proving a little useful.

You pushed your aching limbs to where Enishi was standing. Reaching him you stood up and stretched your body. You saw him looking off into the distance and you followed his eyes to see what he was looking at that had him so captivated.

The minute you laid eyes on the view you fell in love. The hill you hiked was overlooking the village down in the valley and the other hills that were protecting it away from the world. Wait… This was the same as the painting back at the mansion.

You made a habit out of stopping by it before you went to sleep every day. Each time you stood in front of it you noticed other little details hidden inside. The way the trees covered each other, creating a bird shelter for the night. Or the way the hills looked as if they were silently whispering to each other. They couldn’t move to embrace each other but the slopes they laid on together seemed to be enough for them.

Someone was watching you every time you stopped by, unbeknownst to you. Leaning on a wall further behind you, he analysed your face to try and make out your reaction. He was taken aback when all he found was admiration and curiosity, wonder dancing in your eyes as you took in each detail. He got a little confused every time you leaned in closer and quirked your eyebrow at it, only to let out a breath of relief when you sat back and had a grin on your face.

“The painting back at the mansion… the orange and green landscape. Did you paint that?”

He only chuckled in response and went to sit down on the grass, as you followed suit. You both mimicked each other’s position, spreading your limbs on the grass, arms supporting your upper bodies.

“I thought you’d figure it out faster.”

You pushed his shoulder at that remark, ripping another chuckle from him.

“The painting is beautiful. So detailed and intricate in technique. But it does not compare to the real thing. This view is pure art.”

He looked at you as you elaborated on everything you loved about the painting. You seemed to know a lot about the arts. It was nice to have something new in common with you, besides your love for hibiscus tea.

“I’m glad you like it. If you wait just a second… there it is.”

The sky bled orange meeting the green mounds of earth, exactly like the painting. Your breath got caught in your throat as the sunset became more prominent. It was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

Enishi wasn’t focusing on the sunset over the hills. He was watching another sunset happening right beside him. Your cheeks were flushed pink from the effort you put into hiking. The light breeze was brushing your hair with every wave in the air and your clothes were sticking to you uncomfortably. But you looked absolutely serene. He wished he could paint this view instead of any landscape in the world.

—————————————————————————

You got back to the mansion just before it got dark. Grabbing an apple you ate it and quickly dashed to the bathroom to get out of your sweaty clothes and enjoy a bath. You made the mistake of sitting on your bed before actually getting to the bathroom, laying down on top of the duvet.

“I’ll just close my eyes for five minutes.”

Those five minutes turned into a few hours. Enishi was looking for you to ask if you’ve eaten anything. As he came to your room he noticed the door was open halfway. Knocing on it he called your name but got no response. Pushing it open he took in the sight of you sprawled on your bed still in your training clothes. His heart warmed up so much he thought it would burst. You must’ve been so tired.

Coming closer to your bed he sat down on the edge. Your head was sitting uncomfortably on the duvet so he gently put a hand under your head and lifted it to place a pillow under it. Laying your head back down he let his hand card through your hair to let it loose. You sighed in your sleep at the action, a smile tugging on your lips.

He smoothed a hand from your temple down to your cheek and you took him by surprise turning on your side, curling into him. Your hand grabbed at his shirt and he was locked into place with no way to escape.

His heart started beating rapidly as he looked at you. You had his shirt into a death grip as if you were holding an anchor that could bring you back from dreamland to the real world. He found himself smiling again. It started coming out more naturally the more he was with you.

He folded his big hand over your small one and stroked it lightly to get you to loosen your hold. Your fist unclenched and you let him free. He slowly got up from the bed careful not to wake you. Finding a spare blanket he draped it over you so you wouldn’t get cold. He smoothed your hair once more to get some stray hairs away from your face and went out the door, softly closing it behind him. He couldn’t stop smiling.

—————————————————————————

Thank you for reading! As always, comments, notes and reblogs are welcome :)

#Addicting Taste #enishi yukishiro #rurouni kenshin #enishi yukishiro fanfiction #enishi yukishiro x reader #enishi yukishiro x you

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peoplesgraves · 2 years

Text

Demons have hearts

Yandere Demon X Reader

“Are you sure you don’t want a ride home? Its freezing and It’s right on the way. I really don’t mind.” Your coworker looks over at you worriedly from her car.

You smile politely and shake you’re head firmly “no thanks. It’s a perfect night to walk home. Thanks for the offer though” you give a small wave “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She mumbles something under her breath and finally drives away leaving you alone in the chilly air. It was only a few minute walk to your house and the snow looked so pretty that night.

You start to walk while breathing warm air into your hands just taking in the peace that the late night brought. of course though no good thing can last forever.

“Hey” youre startled by a voice and a figure in the corner of your eye. We’re they there just a second ago? You didn’t recall.

you ignore the voice hoping they’re talking to someone else. Anyone else.

“Hey, girl breathing into your hands” now it was obvious they were talking to you. You couldn’t ignore them a second time.

Finally you look at them in all their glory. They’re tall and otherworldly beautiful. For some reason you don’t feel threatened or scared anymore you just feel distracted.

The figure stalks up to you and pushes some hair behind your ear with a self satisfied smirk. “Do you remember me?”

The fog lifts in your mind just enough for a coherent answer to form. “No” you stare up at their eyes and once again get lost in their beauty.

They sigh but don’t really look all that upset about it. “How cruel. I would never forget you.”

You have another moment of clarity, this one of your own accord. “You know me?”

The figure smiles and suddenly their canines seem unnaturally sharp. Horns appear on their head and their eyes turn completely black. “Maybe you remember me better like this.”

Your eyes widen and you stumble clumsily backwards. Trying to get away from the monster. “Y-you.” You trip on nothing and fall back into your butt.

The demon smile and stands over you. Their form blocks the moonlight but their eyes still have a distinct glow about them. “Me.” A contract appears from thin air, one that has both your and their signature. “We made a deal. Your soul in exchange for-“

“Stop…” your voice is a quiet whimper but it still stops them in their tracks.

The demons eyes glow brighter and their smirk grows at your bravery. “What was that?”

“Please don’t say it. I know what I signed…” you look up at them, eyes bleary with tears and lip pulled between your teeth, bitten raw to the point of blood. Silently pleading with them for mercy.

“Say what? That you gave up your soul in exchange for your ‘true love’ only for them to leave you” the demons watches as you break down in a fit of sobs. Though you steel yourself rather quickly much to their surprise.

Your tears are replaced with fire that rivals the demons own. “I made a mistake. I thought it was love and that I was doing the right thing. I don’t want to die.” You let out a shaky breath “but I also made a deal. So do what you need to”

The demons begins to suck the air straight from your lungs but the utter defeat that permeates you makes him stop before he can do anything more then make you light headed. As your air returns you fall to your side to cough and wheeze.

“You were pathetic when I made that deal with you. All dopey and in love, completely reliant on someone who even I thought was bad.” The demons sits beside you “I wanted to break you, to ruin you.”

Still light headed you lay on your back and listen to Them. They were right. You were pathetic.

“I watched you, you know. After you signed the contract. I came here today thinking you’d be on the precipice of shattering but you’ve already shattered and put yourself together. Haven’t you?” They look at you with an unreadable expression.

You nod slowly. “I guess so.”

The demon takes one of your hand and presses it to their heart. “You have a demons heart now. Broken and ruined but still strong.”

You pull your hand away and look the demon in the eyes. Trying to find a hint in their inky black orbs. “What are you going to do to me?”

The demons smirks and all at once the moment of vulnerability is over. They revert to their human form much to your relief “I like you so I guess I can hold off on killing you for now.” You let out a sigh of relief. “Don’t forget. I still own your soul”

Your face drops and the demon wraps a possessive arm around your waist, leading you the opposite direction from your house. “Uh where are we going?”

The demons smirk goes from playful to vicious. “We’re going to pay your ex a visit, can’t let them get away with hurting my human.”

#yandere #yandere demon #yandere demons #yandere monster #yandere fantasy #yandere mythical creature #yandere x reader

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knockyasocksoff2022 · 5 months

Text

The One Day Return of Double Black

(A/N: I intitailly panned for this to be a relationship reveal but it turned out softer, as many of my writing has lately. I don't mind it though. Also this is my very first time ever writing in 3rd person so please forgive me if it sounds whack as hell. This fic isn't entirley isn't entirely in 3rd person, but I wanted to try out a new style of writing, so let me know if you like it.)

(4,846 words)

Third Person Perspective:

He walks with a purpose, angry that his partner left for work without him. Isn’t it much more efficient if they come in together? After all, they’re work partners so no one would ever suspect the rings resting under Chuuya's glove and Dazai’s shirt, on a chain that holds it suspended right over his heart.

The route to the headquarters is twisting turns through dark back streets, but Dazai remembers it with perfect clarity as if it were yesterday. To him, it was.

—

Even after all this time not much had changed. The Port Mafia still cower under the gaze of Dazai Osamu. If anything they’re more afraid now. And why shouldn’t they be, he is the only person in history to betray the mafia and walk away alive.

The guards are so scared they hardly pay attention to the way the Demon prodigy’s gaze isn’t as sharp as usual, eyes glazed over, or that his unbrushed hair sticks to his forehead with sweat.

Even if they were to notice, it would go uncommented on because that’s the privilege of being the Demon Prodigy.

So no one says anything when he walks through the lobby of the Mori Corporation, black dress shoes still shiny as the day they last set foot here, clicking evenly as he heads for the lift.

The guards will not radio about his presence to their superiors because they are cowards, too afraid of being punished for letting him in. They will not stop him either, too afraid of being punished if he is truly supposed to be here. They are too afraid of him. The torture master, who seems to have regained sight in his other eye. “How terrifying,” they think, “must he be with full sight instead of half.”

The torture master doesn’t stop to think that it’s strange that his old lift code still works, because right now he doesn’t remember just how old it is, the heat coursing through his body erasing the past four years of conflict.

He stares at his reflection. His suit is still pressed, not a wrinkle visible because it’s been untouched. To anyone else, the garment would have been long outgrown but years of only occasional meals of low-calorie food have allowed him to remain the same size and weight as when he was only a boy.

He does not think he is eighteen again, but maybe he wishes he was. For him, time has passed in a sort of mixed and matched fashion, a quilt of mind and muscle memories. His mind, for the movement at least, exists in a world where things are the same as they’ve always been. And when the lift door opens, he needs only to walk down the corridor, into the meeting room (his biometrics will still work) and his executive seat will be waiting for him (it is) just as it was yesterday. He has no idea that, while he would be welcome, his striding into that room would cause a commotion. To him, this is simply another day.

“Maybe I’ll blow off the meeting, and just bother Slug instead, he did leave without me after all.” The prodigy hums as he thinks to himself.

The lift opens to an empty corridor, the boy’s illusion is safe for now.

Chuuya comes first, before everything. He heads down the opposite end of the corridor, to give his lover a piece of his mind.

Chuuya’s Perspective

The weekly meeting was cancelled, and I hardly have any paperwork so I’d say this counts as a good morning. Maybe Mori-san will ask me to take Elise out for ice cream or something. I don’t mind her, when she’s away from him she’s really a nice kid. I won’t dwell too much on the fact that she’s been a kid the entire time I’ve known her, maybe her ability has something to do with shape-shifting.

(A/N: Chuuya likes to be with Elise because it makes him feel tall.)

The door slams open. It’s not the noise that makes me drop my pen, but the person standing in my doorway.

“Ne Chibi! You horrible ungrateful slug, you left me at home! Honestly, you’re so disrespectful. You made me late, I should report you to Mori-san, but I won't because I’m such a good partner, not like you.”

And suddenly . . .

He’s 16 again.

A teenager in demeanour but a man in physique, and I’d be lying by omission if I failed to mention how he looks in that suit. The whole situation takes my breath away, proof that love trumps logic when my first thoughts on his sudden appearance here are thirsty ones and not concern.

It makes me a bit sick to think that he’s still skinny enough to fit into something he wore when he was eighteen.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” That's what I want to say, but Dazai’s realm is logic, shifting the pieces from the background. Brute force won’t get me anywhere, it only makes him curl defensively into himself, like a porcupine.

“First of all, you’re the ungrateful one, you brat! You’re the one that sleeps until ungodly hours of the morning. I left you breakfast, did you want a note or something? I’m not your mother!”

He crosses his arms, stepping closer to my desk. I don’t stop him, “Breakfast was absolutely terrible, like everything else you cook, and you still left me—”

I want to laugh, we both know my cooking is exquisite, but there’s something more upsetting about what he said. “Wait, you didn’t drive here, did you?”

“How else was I supposed to get to work when you LEFT ME!” he emphasises the last two words, hopping up to sit on the edge of my desk. I sit on my hands so I don't end up shoving him out of the window.

“I can’t believe you! How many property damage fees do we owe now? Never mind, don't answer that. God! You’re giving me a headache already. And stop going on about how I left you, this isn’t bringing your fish to work day. Why are you even here at all? If you bothered to drive, why didn’t you go to work?”

“I did. I’m here, aren’t I? I could’ve ditched, but nooo, I came in just for you, hatrack.”

“You know you don’t work here anymore, dumbass.” It’s a joke, we both know it. This is just something Osamu would do, come back and act like everything is normal just to psych me out. I always swear not to let his antics phase me but something about him today is ‘off ’. It’s already driving me insane how I can’t put my finger on it.

“Yes I do, I always have, does Chibi have amnesia or did he just finally run out of memory storage in that small brain of his?” He tugs on my hat and I reach out to punch him but he sinks down before I can.

“My brain is just the same size as yours. You don’t work here, and if you think you do then you’re the one with mental problems, not me!”

“Ah, my dog is so mean to me! Bad dog! Bad dog!”

“I’m not your fucking dog you sleazy bastard.”

“Big words coming from a chibikko hatrack.” He remarks, shrugging casually.

These words finally make me pause. As much as we still love sniping at each other, many of these nicknames are hardly ever used anymore, ones we save for times when we both need the nostalgia. Hatrack. I haven’t heard that one in forever, and despite the jeering nature, it sends a flood of warmth through me.

Is that what he’s here for? The nostalgia of it all? Is this what he wants?

I scrutinise his face for any trace of his motives, taking in every detail. He’s a glorious enigma. His jet-black hair is matted, a snarl that still manages to look fluffy. There’s something stiff about the way it frames his face as if stuck on by glue.

His eyes are bright, a different kind of bright than when he usually teases me, or the soft aura they get when it’s just us alone at home. Normally when he teases me his irises maintain that darkness, almost black, eating all light that enters them, but now they almost appear chocolate brown, reflecting the light. Glossy, sparkling with a shine like the surface of the ocean under the summer sun. It’s disconcerting, wrong, like when he smiles just a little too wide. I don’t dislike it, but I know it isn’t right.

He hasn’t shaved in a while and there’s stubble forming around his jaw, the dark contrasting with his pale features, too pale, the barely visible bags of his eyes making his eyes look far too big.

If nostalgia is what he wants then I’d be happy to give it to him, but I don’t think it is. This is something beyond either of our control.

Shit.

Great, this is just great! What am I gonna do with him now?

“Is Chibi going to apologise to me, or will he be sleeping on the sofa tonight?”

I step closer. I know what’s wrong, but I’ll need to touch him to be sure.

We’re so close now that I can feel the heat radiating off him, his coat certainly isn’t helping. I run at a higher temperature because of Arahabaki, so if I can feel it, it’s bad. He needs a doctor fast, but he’s so stubborn . . . how can I make him come willingly?

“I’m sorry I left you, Osa. You just looked so peaceful sleeping, I couldn’t wake you.” I whisper the words, standing on my tip-toes, leaning forward, closing the small gap between us.

It’s true, with his insomnia being how it is a full night's sleep is rare and when he does get it I let him sleep for as long as he possibly can. I think his colleagues think he sleeps late but most of the time he’s laying in bed staring at the ceiling, unable to get up or trying another method of suicide he found on some sketchy webpage with r-rated pop-up ads.

When my lips meet his I gasp, he tries to deepen the kiss and put his tongue in my mouth. I don’t let him. He responds by pulling the long piece of my hair. I pull away, still grasping his shoulders. I’d been expecting warmth but not like this. Holding him is like holding a flame, his skin feeling like he’s been outside for hours in the summer heat.

“Fuck! Shit! Dammit, Osa! You’re burning up.”

He just laughs, “So Chibi does think I’m hot, I knew it!” he grins in triumph, of course, he would be laughing with a temperature like this, “You earned your way back to the bed–”

“Actually, I will be sleeping on the sofa, I have no intention of catching whatever you have. We need to get you to the infirmary, Mori-san will have something for you.”

I grab his hand and pull him out the door. I should be worried about people seeing him, but they won’t hurt him. And should they try I won’t let them. I hold Osamu’s burning hand all the way to the lift. How he’s still even functioning, much less standing with a fever like this makes me think he really isn’t human.

The infirmary is only one floor below us, just below the training room, but the training room takes up the space of three floors and the lift isn’t going nearly fast enough for my liking, so I use my ability to drop it.

I thank god for Osamu’s awareness and that he doesn’t cling to me for support and risk cancelling my ability.

When we reach the right floor I release the lift from For The Tainted Sorrow, it clunks loudly to a stop.

The infirmary takes up this entire floor, you might think we’d need multiple floors for enough space, and we do, but this is the so-named special infirmary. (Some of us call it the Meat Locker, behind Mori-san’s back because it’s always so cold.) Mori-san works here when he’s not busy planning strategy. This facility is for the top mafia operatives and is thus equipped to handle ability users and ability-related injuries. The grunts and foot soldiers use the larger infirmary lower in the building.

I set Osamu on the nearest bed and go to find a nurse. The nurses must be in between shifts, but I find Elise. She’s wearing a small nurse’s uniform, hat and all. When I was first told she worked in here I was extremely sceptical but her medical knowledge is as vast as Mori-san and she’s never made a mistake in treating a wound. (This backs up my theory that she’s not actually a child, but an adult who likes to shapeshift into child form, for whatever reason.)

(A/N: HC that Elise possesses all the same basic skills that Mori-san has, like she can do surgery and she could drive but it’s a bit hard for her to reach the pedals and see over the dash. Also in this fic, Chuuya doesn't know Elise is Mori-san’s ability.)

Elise greets me, “You’re here with Osamu aren’t you?”

“How-”

“It’s the look on your face, only he can bring that worry and desperation out in you. What’s happened to him, another attempt?”

“No, he has a fever.”

Elise glares and rolls her eyes, “A fever, seriously!”

“Come on, Elise, you know I wouldn’t have brought him here if it wasn’t bad, and it’s bad.”

“True. Does he have any other symptoms?”

“No, but he’s delirious, he thinks he still works here.”

“Oh, I’m sure Rintarou loves that.” Her dry humour at the expense of Mori-san always amuses me, but I don't laugh now.

“He doesn’t know yet.”

“Are you hiding Osamu?”

“No, he just marched in here as far as I can tell, but I didn’t get a chance to tell Mori-san yet. I figured I’d do it when he’s not dying.”

Elise shrugs, “Fair.”

We’re at Osamu’s bed now, and I can see what he so easily hides from everyone else. He’s starting to wear, the fever finally taking its toll, still, he looks much better than he should and it creeps me out a bit.

Elise feels his forehead, but unlike me, maintains her composure simply nodding and pulling out a thermometer. He doesn’t let Elise stick the thermometer in his ear, so I do it, while she disappears into the medication store room.

After too long, the device beeps.

39.4℃

How is he even . . .? Right, he’s Dazai, of course, he’s fine. The damn cockroach!

Elise is back, pushing a cart with a glass pitcher, a stack of fabric, and medication, which Osamu takes only after I give him a stern look.

Elise takes a stack of fabric, white clothes, and lays them on the bed.

“Fevers like this are dangerous, he’ll need to stay hydrated.” She sets the pitcher on the table beside the bed, “This is mineral water, make sure he drinks all of it, and when it’s empty fill it up again, they’re bottles in the fridge in the store room. If he starts showing any more symptoms let me know, but unless something changes, he should be okay to go home tonight.”

I nod, dumping my coat and hat into the bed next to us, and pouring some water into the glass cup, holding it carefully out to my husband. He doesn’t take it.

“You can get changed first, but then you have to drink water, okay.”

He nods.

I hand him the stack of clothes and pull the curtain around the bed.

When he doesn’t stand I begin pulling off his trench coat. He sits up a bit, allowing me to remove the heavy garment, then flops back down, I sigh and let my finger trace his collarbone while I untie his tie, he leans into the contact, more alert now. I ignore how my warm touch feeling cool to him isn’t a good thing in favour of unbuttoning his shirt.

Now all that’s left are his bandages.

They’re stuck to his skin with sweat but eventually, I peel them all off, his pale fevered skin glowing sickly under the fluorescent lights.

A cool shower or bath would be ideal but I settle for wetting a towel under the sink and patting him down gently with it. He leans into my touch and for just a second I think he’s fallen asleep but then his eyes blink open so fast it makes me jump a little. Swatting his bare arm, I help him put on the soft white pants and a loose white t-shirt.

He still doesn’t touch his water.

I hold it out to him, “You gotta drink, Osa, having a fever like this isn’t good for you, we need to get it down. Then we can go home and watch whatever shitty movies you like.”

He shakes his head.

“Osamu!”

He’s staring at me like he's drinking in every aspect of my being like I did for him in my office.

“I like it when Chuuya is my partner.” He finally says.

“I’ll always be your partner, you silly fish. Forever remember, we promised.” I take off my glove, showing him the ring, a shining metal thing. Two bands of stainless steel with azure sapphires running a line in between them.

Osamu takes out his own ring, two iron bands, with blood-red rubies in between, and rolls it in his palms, not saying anything.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I mean it like this.” He gestures to the infirmary around us but I still don’t understand.

“I like being Chuuya’s work partner,” he explains, looking more alert now, the medication must be working. “I like it, knowing that everything is still the same, being here and knowing I belong.”

Oh. “You’ll always belong here.”

“Maybe so, but I could never ignore Oda’s last wish like that. I’m already remembering, and I know that once I stop having a temperature everything will go back to normal. But I want . . . I want to stay here with you, hatrack, in this time capsule, just a bit longer.”

Softness and tender love may be what he needs, but it’s not what he wants. Well, then I’ll play along. I don’t mind at all. If he wants to be sixteen again, who am I to deny him that? I’ll love and care for him in the same burning way I did back then.

I sigh, sitting up straighter, leaning away from him, removing any trace of softness from my voice and getting into character. “Hmph! Of course, a mackerel like you would want to stay here longer! I thought you hated pain. And, don’t give me those eyes, I’m not gonna do your paperwork for you.”

He smiles that goofy smile, understanding what I’m doing, not at all offended by my harsh tone.

“Ah, but dogs are supposed to be loyal, and I’m sooo dreadfully ill!” He flops back dramatically

The next line comes easily, “I am not your damn dog!”

We fall back into the teenage banter embarrassingly easily as he goes on about how his greater height makes him the master. It feels like only yesterday that I was in the arcade, choosing to follow him instead of Shirase and Yuan, as I shove a cup of the mineral water towards him, splashing his face. 16-year-old me wouldn’t have reached for a towel to dry his face, so I don’t either. It’s probably okay since he still has a fever.

“Just shut up and drink, you mummified fish!”

He dips his finger in the cup and flicks water at me.

“Dammit, shitty Dazai! Drink it and drown for all I care.”

He takes a slow sip, then another, downing the cup in seconds, his following of my command the only thing shattering the illusion. It makes me laugh how I still call him Dazai when I tease him, even though he hasn’t had that surname in years. I think he’ll always be Dazai, on some level.

The day passes surprisingly quickly. With the help of the medication, cool clothes and water, Osamu’s temperature steadily returns to normal.

I tell him about the upcoming mission Mori-san has for ‘us’ and we complain about it. I hear Elise’s chime-like laughter from the store room. Even with his head foggy he offers strategies that make me wish he would still sit at the executive table.

I complain to him about how Mori-san is probably going to make me do paperwork on this incident, and he replies that it’s my own fault because I shouldn’t have left without him, and could have just left him in my office. “But you didn’t, because Chibikko cares about me~~~” he sing-songs.

“In your fucking dreams maybe!” The denial sounds so false on my lips that we both burst out laughing. His eyes are clear again, the haze of fever gone, he doesn't think he’s my work partner anymore, but neither of us stops the banter.

After a while though, the sun begins to slip lower and lower in the sky. I take Osamu’s temperature, it’s normal. The pretending is officially over.

“You're all better, Osa. As soon as Elise clears you, we can go home.” I let the softness return to my voice.

I expected him to be disappointed, but he smiles softly, tucking his hair behind his ear in that pretty way he does. Sometimes we both yearn for the nostalgia of simpler times, but we both know that what we have now, between us and only us, is a million times better.

I’ll miss this, but I won’t miss the old port mafia dorm or Osamu’s shipping container. I won’t miss when we didn’t have our own home, the place that is ours. A place we don’t have to hide. I won’t miss the time before I wore a metal ring under my glove.

I do miss our large king bed, open plan kitchen, luxurious sofa, and our spacious shower.

My stomach rumbles, “God, I’m fucking starving.”

Osamu pats his own stomach, and we remember neither of us had lunch. For some reason, it seems like the funniest thing. We can’t stop laughing for a full minute.

I sigh, catching my breath. “Do you feel well enough to eat? We have leftovers in the fridge, or I can make okayu.”

“Hmm, I know it’s late, but I’m restless from lying down all day, we should go out somewhere?”

I give him a once over. He looks fine. “Yeah, sure. How about that old ramen and sushi place, you know, near–”

“The arcade, yeah.” he finishes my sentence.

“I’ll go get Elise.” Before I can get up there's the sound of even steps on the tile floor.

“Chuuya-san, Dazai-kun, I’ve been meaning to come check on you two.” Mori’s voice and silhouette are familiar, even in the dark infirmary.

“Mori-san.” I nod to my boss. If he’s surprised to see Osamu here he doesn't show it.

“Oh, you can drop the formalities for now, and don’t worry, I’m not here about your paperwork, I gave you the day off as soon as Elise informed me of the situation. Thank you for visiting our fine establishment today, Dazai-kun, I’m glad you’re back to full health. Please know you’re welcome back anytime you like.”

With that, he walks off. Most of the time I laugh when Mori asks Osamu to come back. He won’t force him back and even then Osamu would find a way not to come if he didn’t want to. After today though, I find myself wishing Osamu would accept. We were such a good team, and we still are. But I respect his wanting to stay in the light for Oda, and I can be more than content with having him be mine all mine outside of work.

Elise feels Osamu’s forehead, taking his temperature one last time, and declares him cleared.

I smile as she leaves, we both do.

He looks at his clothes scattered on the floor.

“Those are all sweaty, you shouldn’t wear them. And no bandages either, you can put them back on at home, after you’ve had a shower.”

He gives me puppy eyes, “Fine. Would a dog lend his master some of his clothes?”

“Fuck no!”

“Ugh, not the ones you’re wearing . . . though I would like to see you naked.”

I smack him lightly on his head.

He shrugs, “Can’t I be honest with my husband? But only I get to see Chibi naked, you can keep your clothes. I know you keep spare stuff in your office in case you have to work overnight.”

I roll my eyes and pull him up, grabbing his clothes and my own coat and hat.

He looks at home in my office, lounging on the sofa looking as if he never left, as if I woke up and came back in here realising that his betrayal was merely a dream.

But I know he never left me, not really.

The clothes I keep in my drawer are for all sorts of emergencies.

A copy of my usual work outfit in case it gets bloody or something.

Pyjamas if I have to sleep here

A formal suit for the dinners we executives have to attend with Port mafia associates.

Some old casual clothes if I have a stake-out mission

And a nice but not fancy outfit for when I have a date with Osamu and I’m not able to stop at home to get ready first.

I take pieces from each of the last three outfits for Osamu, already laughing as I picture how short the sleeves and trousers will be on him. It’s his fault that his arms and legs are so ridiculously long.

I hand him the clothes and he seems to be thinking the same thing (we often are). His face morphs into a look of teasing disgust. “Ewwww! I have to wear Chuuya’s tacky clothes.”

But he gives no protest as I help him undress. Thankfully the suit is new enough that I hadn't hemmed the slacks yet, and because he’s so skinny the waistband shouldn’t be a problem.

Taking inspiration I decided to go for something more casual myself.

The outfit is mismatched but when I stand back it all somehow fits. Frustratingly, he’s managing to pull off the white tee shirt, black slacks, and red hoodie.

I wear a black tee shirt, an old worn pair of jeans and a blue Yokohama Tigers bomber jacket.

He laughs, holding me just off the ground, “We match.”

“Yeah, Now let me go, I’m hungry!”

I stuff our clothes in a paper bag I have left over from my last trip to the wine shop and we’re off.

I’d almost forgotten about it but the weight that comes off my shoulders when I see that Osamu’s car is miraculously unscathed is immense.

I drive this time, while Osamu stretches himself out in the backseat, singing loudly along to the music on the radio.

The sleek car will stick out on this side of town so I park in an alleyway.

“You good to walk the rest of the way?”

“Yup.”

People stare at us as we walk. I don’t blame them, I’m sure I look like some kind of punk high schooler and then there's Osamu with his dress trousers and shoes with a hoodie.

It makes me feel fifteen again, people used to stare at us then too.

The ramen joint is run by a small gang, but they don’t interfere with us so we leave them alone. The owner still shakes in fear when we enter, wondering what business I could have with him.

“We’re just here for the food,” I say, not paying him a glance as I take two menus from the counter. He sighs in relief.

The food takes a bit longer than usual, but I swear it’s twice as delicious. I think they must still be worried about my business here.

Osamu and I eat wordlessly, the food is too good to be uninterrupted by any conversation. When we’re together we don’t need words anyway, and when we’re done we both stare out the window. We can see the bright lights of the arcade from here, one of the only and brightest lights around, a beacon in the night.

Osamu looks at me, I look at him. There’s a certain glimmer in his eyes, the one I used to crave like it was life itself before I knew he returned my feelings. I can see the shine in my own eyes reflected in his.

I take a wad of cash out of my wallet and drop it on the table, the waitress looks at us with wide eyes as we leave. I say nothing but Osamu waves goodbye to the owner like a little kid, the gleam in his eyes only intensifying.

The sun has completely disappeared from sight now, and we should go home and go to bed like responsible adults, especially after the day Osamu’s had. But it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last so what’s a little disregard for personal health for old-time’s sake?

#bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #soukoku #dazai osamu #nakahara chuuya #port mafia #chuuya nakahara #skk #soukoku fic #soukoku fanfiction #soukoku fanfic #skk fanfiction #skk fanfic #skk fic

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ewanmitchellcrumbs · 10 months

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TL;DR: I am massively over sharing, but not going anywhere. This will be long, but I am enjoying the freedom that openness is affording me. TW: baby loss.

You might remember a couple of weeks ago I mentioned I thought I had norovirus or food poisoning, it turns out it was the onset of a miscarriage. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but once the vomiting, etc. had passed I felt a heaviness in my lower abdomen, coupled with heavy bleeding. I wasn’t due on yet and something just didn’t feel right. Max drove me to A&E and in the four hours it took for me to be seen, I’d passed most of it on the waiting room floor.

I don’t want kids and, owing to fertility issues, I can’t carry to full term anyway. I didn’t feel like I had a right to grieve, to be sad over something I didn’t want, so I didn’t tell anyone. The only person that knew was Max.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve shut myself off from everyone and been unbearable to be around. I tell Max to leave me alone when he tries to talk to me. We tried to go on a lunch date together last weekend and ended up going home early because we both felt miserable. He bought me flowers - he always does when I am sad - and they usually always cheer me up. I hated these flowers. They felt like they served as a reminder of my lack of control, a reward for something I hadn’t earned. When they died and I could finally throw them away I felt relieved.

I’ve poured myself into fandom, hoping for a distraction. You may have noticed my last two Aemond fics were angsty ones (Anhedonia and Careless Words) - I think that was my way of attempting to release whatever it was that I’d bottled up.

Then the drama started - I defended a friend and for 48 hours I was publicly torn apart on another user’s page. Old issues were dragged into it and once more resurfaced. It’s hit me a lot harder than it usually would because I just don’t have the capacity to deal with it.

But it did give me the shove I finally needed to open up and talk about what has happened to me. I’ve talked through my feelings with Max, we went on a cinema date together and it was nice, so nice. We told each other we’d missed each other.

It’s like a weight has been lifted, and has given me some much needed clarity on the situation here in fandom. I am not prepared to walk away from fandom, I adore writing too much. However, I can admit that both parties involved in what has transpired over the last few days, weeks, months, have acted appallingly. I hold my hands up to the part I have played and I apologise. I will be better, do better.

With that in mind, I will be Marie Kondo-ing my space and removing anyone that does not bring me joy. I suggest you all do the same. Don’t follow people out of obligation, don’t be nice publicly then slander them in private. If you don’t like me, don’t follow me. I want nothing in my little corner of the web that I don’t enjoy. I don’t want to put out anything that has the potential to sour people’s fandom experience or make it a toxic experience for them.

I can’t be best buddies with everyone, but I refuse to be anyone’s enemy either. I will choose to be kind, because over the last couple of weeks I have not been kind to myself or others. And it has fucking sucked. No more.

I don’t want anyone’s sympathy, so please spare me. I just wanted to be fully transparent. It’s nice not to bottle this up anymore.

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ctitan98official · 4 months

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Anonymous: Heya~ is it alright if I ask for what would happen if Bela and Cass fight over a maid/reader. As in they develop a crush on the same person and they're just bickering because of it. Don't get me wrong, I like Dani as much as the other person, but these two have my heart just a little bit more. Poly ending if possible please :)

I love all three sisters, but Cass is probably my favorite :D This is a great prompt. Reader, as usual, is gender-neutral. Let’s get into it!

You’re just a simple servant, you know? You try to do your job as best you can and not get in other people’s way, but… You suddenly find yourself caught in the middle of a very unexpected battle. Alcina Dimitrescu’s daughters have a very… Complicated reputation. They are gossiped about for their flirtatious ways, but they are also feared for their insatiable… Appetites? Somehow, Bela, the oldest, and Cassandra, the middle child, have both developed feelings for you.

You never anticipated this predicament, but now you’re entangled in their sibling rivalry.

Bela, with her golden locks and otherworldly beauty, sends shivers down your spine. She is very similar to her mother in how she behaves. She expects excellence and commands whatever room she’s in. Her piercing gaze makes your heart race. Her pull is undeniable and you find yourself drawn to her elegant demeanor.

On the other hand, Cass’s fiery spirit and mischievous nature captivate you in a different way. Her adventurous impulses and striking looks ignite a sense of excitement within you. Her vibrant personality and devilish smile are impossible to resist.

Now, sisterly bickering is a tale as old as time. But, as you become the center of their disagreements, the tension between Bela and Cass escalates. Despite their well-documented promiscuity, neither of the two have actually fallen for anyone before… But you are different. You make them both feel treasured. You make them laugh. You hang on their every word and always let them vent to you about the frustrations of the day. They vie for your attention, each attempting to outdo the other with grand gestures and displays of affection. Their fighting eventually becomes incessant, as if you’re a prize to be won in a game of love. Poor Daniela spends most of her time in Alcina’s study now to get away from it all.

Bela and Cass each insist that you pick one of them to be with. Yet, amidst the chaos, your feelings become increasingly complicated. You realize that you’re in love with both of them. Bela’s alluring presence and Cass’s infectious energy have intertwined themselves within your being and you can’t imagine choosing between them.

In a moment of clarity, you decide to confront the sisters and express your genuine emotions. You explain that your heart belongs to both of them, and that the thought of separating from either of them is unbearable. You hope they might understand and accept your feelings. “Bela? Cass? I… Think I’m falling in love with… Both of you. Asking me to choose between you two is impossible,” You say quietly.

You expect the worst. For them to scream at you or maybe even… Attack you in outrage for being unable to choose.

Surprisingly, though, Bela and Cass don’t seem upset like you thought they might be. They listen intently, absorbing your words, and after a moment of silent contemplation, they both excuse themselves to go talk privately for a second.

In your mind, you’re gearing up for World War 3. The Dimitrescu women are definitely not people you want to piss off. This was a mistake…

However, it actually doesn’t long for the sisters to rejoin you. It seems they have reached some kind of understanding. “I would like to ask you something, Y/N. But, I want you to really think it over before you answer,” Bela says.

You nod quickly. “Of course, anything, Bela,” You say.

“Cassie and I adore you. But, we also know that you are interested in both of us…” She begins. “We can’t stand to lose you, so what would you say to a compromise?” She questions.

Your eyes go wide at this. “Uhh… A compromise?” You ask, now a bit wary. What could she mean?

Cass can’t help but chuckle at the alarm on your face. “We would like to… Well, share you, darling,” She says, shrugging.

You immediately flush at this. Wow. Two of the most precious women in your life are willing to sacrifice so much just to be with you?

Your heart swells with gratitude and affection. You realize that their love for you transcends jealousy or possessiveness. It’s simple, pure. They just want to spend time with you and they are fine with taking turns every now and then if that’s what it takes. You look at them both and smile. “Let’s do this!” You cheer.

Bela squeals excitedly and gently cups your face in her hands, leaving a chaste, but tender, kiss.

Not to be outdone, Cass wraps her arms around your neck and places a searing kiss on your lips… Her tongue even finds its way into your mouth for a second. She’s getting a little bit carried away, but the sound of Bela clearing her throat gets her to stop.

How did you luck into finding two amazing girlfriends? You are so happy. You didn’t know you could have everything you’ve ever wanted. Together, you, Bela, and Cass create a loving balance, respecting each other’s needs and desires, and nurturing a profound love that defies societal norms.

Masterlist

#re8 #re8 village #bela dimitrescu #bela dimitrescu x reader #bela dimitrescu x y/n #y/n is stupid #resident evil imagines #resident evil village #resident evil 8 #resident evil #re8 bela dimitrescu #cassandra dimitrescu #cassandra dimitrescu x reader #cassandra dimitrescu x y/n #re8 shitpost

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blastingtowardsbluerskies · 4 months

Note

Hey. Girly. I got your guy right next to me .. he's absolutely conked out on an Entei. The other brat who looks like him is absolutely beggin' to .. "take him to their world" or whatever.

Should we wait till he wakes up? Or just .. let em' go? He's kinda cute, but I don't care what we do with him. Kanto ain't much warmer, but it's not in total ruins. Best place I can think to take him is Viridian .. it's weirdly unscathed.

- 🥇

It’s Miss Palette, thank you very much! I think you should wait for Silver, the sleeping Silver, to wake up. But tell the other guy to slow down a bit. Silver isn’t… He isn’t okay. He was made not to be okay. He hardly knows what life is like outside those cold walls. It will take a while. It’ll take a while to set in “I’m finally free.” but it’s going to take forever to decide “what next?” now that the Masked Man- Pryce. Pryce is gone. It’s going to be a lot to know that the person who hurt him, hurt you and all of Johto, is truly gone. That nothing will snatch him away in the night. That any connection he had won’t be frozen before his very eyes again, whether he met them before or after their icy tomb.

Viridian is a good place. There’s someone there who might know how to help. I don’t know, for certain, actually how they’ll be. But you ought to trust my judgement by now, right? I haven’t lied about the extremely important information! Jokes aside, still, it might be good to let him rest and recover there.

So, in short, let him decide… Please. And if he’s ready, if he’s stable, and willing. I want him to click this ‘read more.’ It’s just for him. It’s only for him, but Silver, I have to tell you I’m sorry I had to trick you. Lying to anyone is easy. It’s second nature, but… I have to admit this stung a little. I didn’t think when you were there. In that hellscape that if I revealed who I was to you that you’d take it well. If you’re afraid of what I’m going to say and show you, you don’t have to. I just need you to know that. You’re brave. You’re brave no matter what. I wanted to protect you and this… might not protect the thing I wanted to protect the most. So, please, please, understand that if you’re connecting the dots right now I’m not going to hold it against you.

[A hand is over a camera, darkening it. A soft hum as the camerawoman checks that it’s on. Her voice following not soon after:

“Well, it’s maybe not a good idea for me to do this, I was playing the part of mystery operator so well!” She singsongs, but it grows to a seriousness, something that seems foreign for the girl as she lightly chuckles. As if she’s not sure what to say. “But… I feel a kind of need to. You’re done with all the torture. You get to be done. And I’m sure not going to be ‘who was the mystery operator’ in the middle of a too anxious to sleep session.”

The hand pulls away.

“Hi, Silver. I’m not sure if you’d- One hundred percent recognize me- I mean, my charm is pretty hard to forget but…” She pauses. That unfamiliar, awkward little guilty smile on her face. “Well, you’re smart. You would’ve connected the dots anyways even if I didn’t do anything here.

“I bet it’s… strange. To see, I mean. I’m almost all grown up. And well, your sister’s a ten year old still. And you’re ten too. It was strange for me too- don’t worry, when I… Never mind, never mind! This is you. And I- I hope you grow up too, you know? I mean, given how I prefaced this message, maybe you’re grown up by now!”

There’s another pause. The silent air saying instead unspoken, “You were forced to grow up too fast anyways. We both were.”

Blue smiles, that slightly sad but still trying to be a holding it together big sister, but it’s fond, “So, my name’s actually Blue. Funny how that is, hm? Buuut I don’t mind the nickname for sake of clarity! It was cute, wasn’t it?

“And, well, it’s not exactly the same but if we’re anything like each other. I think your sister, your Green, would want to say this. Would want you to hear it, over and over again. So she could say it to you whenever you’re scared again. Scared that the people who hurt you, scared of the man that hurt you could ever possibly hurt you again even though they’re gone. I know you know what I’m going to say, but, I think you need to hear it.

I love you, Silver.”

The video cuts shortly after, the uncharacteristically complete straightness and seriousness of the young woman still ever prevalent, and you can almost just see a tear in her eyes.

Not just hearing it, but saying “I love you” was impactful, after all.

#pokemon irl #real pokemon #pkmn irl #//OOC: sigh I had to go for the kill

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 10 months

Note

Hi! I sent an ask before, earlier in the year.

here’s some real ent info about me before I ask my question:

I’m 15. I’ve had my period for a year. My mother and my bio aunt were both (very) late bloomers in that regard, but were never diagnosed with anything that may have caused that. I’ve had ‘crushes’ before, which I suspect may have been me masking because I didn’t actually like anyone. I’ve tried mastrubation before, but it’s never really done anything? I don’t do anything involving penetration (because ouch) but I do other things outside of that, ti absolutely no result.

Okay. Now relevant info out of the way. I have questions now;

Is it possible I’m ace? How does one find that out?

is it possible I’m aro? How does one figure *that* out?

Do you think there’s a reason mastrubation doesn’t work for me? Is that a thing that can be fixed?

Is there a reason why penetration hurts so much for me? Even just my pinky finger or a tampon hurts enough that I cried the first few times I tried (I use pads now and avoid penetration).

is there any important information that I should be given? I’m attending a Catholic school so sex ed is pretty much “literally just don’t do it.”

sorry for the barrage of questions. Thank you so much for running this blog, you have no idea how helpful it is. I’m not 100% sure if I turned on anon properly, so if this isn’t an anon please don’t answer it.

hi anon,

oh boy!! so much to work with here!! a veritable buffet of curiosity

this one wasn't even on your question list but I'll throw it in for free: there's not really any reason to worry about finding a diagnosis for starting your period at 15. while the average age that menstruation begins these days is around 12, anywhere from 10-16 is perfectly normal.

it's completely possible that you're ace and/or aro, because it's possible that anybody could be ace and/or aro. do you want to be? because that's pretty much what it comes down to. would calling yourself asexual or aromantic feel right? would it provide any sense of security or clarity to conceptualize yourself that way? the words don't define what you are; you pick which words you like and want to use to make sense of yourself.

god okay I have no idea how to say this without sounding redundant but if you don't feel good when you're masturbating it's probably because you don't like what you're doing. are you trying to jack off because you're horny and want to touch yourself or because you feel like you're supposed to masturbate? if it's the former then damn, try something else. literally anything, anything and everything can be masturbation if it feels good. get crazy with it. if it's the latter and you're just kind of going through the motions out of a vague sense that you're supposed to be masturbating, knock that shit off and dedicate that time to literally anything else that you enjoy. life is too short.

penetration is probably uncomfortable for the same reason it's uncomfortable for a lot of people our age: lack of practice and CRITICAL lack of lubricant. some people find that using a lube on their tampon applicator can help, but also no one is making you use tampons and if pads are more comfortable you can keep doing that forever. personally I haven't used a tampon since middle school and I'm thriving. invest in some reusable pads; you'll save so much money. penetration is 100% optional literally just living without that shit is fine.

as much as I would love to run an intensive and all-encompassing course on all of human sexuality for you right here right now (and I mean that sincerely, I wish this was the proper platform for that. should I write a book? let me know in the comments), I'll keep the info short: whenever you feel like there's something wrong with you, in any way, really think about what's making you feel that way, and who benefits from you feeling bad about yourself. because 99.9% of the time when people send in asks about something about their sexuality or gender that makes them feel bad, what they tell me about is something completely harmless that's just a little different than the common norm. the norm is nothing; as long as no one is being harmed, you do you.

for more specific questions, I'm literally always on this website answering q's, and I'd also really recommend checking out Dr. Lindsey Doe's youtube channel Sexplanations and the forum Scarleteen, which is run specifically for young people to address questions about sexuality.

#sex edventures 2023

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red-balloon12 · 9 months

Text

A more put together rant/review for Murder Drones EP: 6

(Spoilers Below)

Okay…so now that I’m more calmed down about the recent murder drones episode, I can express my thoughts a bit more….calmly.

So first off: Tessa and J-

I really thought the main group was gonna fight Tessa and J but I was surprised when they didn’t. I don’t have that many thoughts for J but seeing N and V reunite with J was pretty sweet (if only Uzi shut up about killing J for once. That would have been nice) but as for Tessa, Tessa was pretty badass, the whole thing worth the raptors not being able to handle the sight of actual blood was interesting. And that kinda adds to the whole thing about the humans trying to wipe out the drones asap. Despite Tessa helping the group, I don’t fully trust her and I feel like N and Uzi (mostly N) is/are gonna have to fight her at some point.

The “New Bots”, Moose Head and Cowboy Egg Baby-

I mildly enjoyed these too. They kinda remind me of those characters you see in a zombie apocalypse that’s been there for a while and had gotten the hang of how things worked. Moose Head obviously knows Uzi’s mom and it seems like the show is setting up a SU like resolution where Uzi’s mom as actually kinda bad and did some horrible stuff both on her own and under the influence of the Absolute Solver. Moose Head also knew how to deal with the disassembly drones. Putting magnets on their heads. I don’t think anyone said anything about the magnets yet so I’m gonna. I wonder if the magnets are gonna come back. That was a very interesting piece lore that literally no one’s talking about.

As for the egg boi….I don’t have a lot to say about him except….baby. Precious baby.

And now for the part you’re probably waiting for…

Nuzi and V’s death-

I know I’m in the minority when I say this…and I know this isn’t what the NUzi shippers need right now but I need to say it so that I can have clarity.

I can’t or will never be able to ship/support Nuzi as long as V is dead.

I know this is petty of me but please let me explain my reasoning.

The fact that Nuzi’s first sign of mutual attraction came in the SAME episode as V’s death rubs me the wrong way for several reasons. First of all, N’s feelings for Uzi legit came out of no where. Before episode 6 it was clear that Uzi had a thing for N but nothing in the past episodes gave me an indication that N liked Uzi back in that way. We know that N deeply cares for Uzi, yes but his way of caring for her gave me “big bro” vibes rather than “I’m in love with you” vibes.

N’s mutual attraction to Uzi doesn’t feel earned to me. It just feels shoe horned in so we can finally say that N and Uzi do like each other. And I don’t need N to be like “yeah! I love Uzi!” But they could have given us N longingly glancing at Uzi while she’s fighting or when she isn’t looking. SOMETHING to indicate N did like her back. My dude didn’t even blush once at Uzi before episode 6.

And then we have V’s death. V’s death ALSO doesn’t feel earned because like I said in my pre post about this, V’s been sidelined for the majority of this show. I know for a fact that there’s people in the fandom that didn’t give a damn about her death/celebrating her death and as malevolent as that is, I can’t fully blame them because V’s role in the show didn’t have much impact in the grand scheme of things. Her time with N and Uzi consisted of her terrorizing Uzi, keeping things from N and even temporarily killing him and needing to be rescued by the both of them. And through out the episodes, this formula mostly doesn’t change.

Sure there’s the scenes where she’s looking at how N and Uzi interact and she’s probably feeling left out and less sure about her chances with N, but there wasn’t a time where N or Uzi (especially Uzi) had a real heart to heart with V that would warrant the audience feeling bad for V/caring about her death. There’s a reason why the majority of people pissed about her death and also eNVy shippers.

And then when V finally gets that big amount of growth for her character, she dies. It just feels so cheap. Like I’ve been cheated out of what could have been V finally accepting N not liking her back anymore and her supporting N and Uzi while still helping them. Or even that and her staring to be better and that revives N’s love for V as well.

V didn’t have to die for NUzi to happen. She didn’t have to die period. She SHOULDN’T have to die. Her death (as well as the feelings the scene is trying to provoke) feels unearned and unnecessary. Until I get confirmation that this isn’t what the writers were trying to do, I’m blaming V’s death on NUzi and that’s why can’t ship NUzi. If the show just TRIED harder to utilize V more, I’m convinced we could have had both NUzi AND eNVy but instead, NUzi is canon and V’s dead.

#murder drones #murder drones salt #slight murder drones fandom salt #md nuzi #NUzi salt #eNVy #n x v #justice for v #murder drones rant #murder drones spoilers #murder drones v #murder drones uzi #murder drones n #murder drones tessa #murder drones j

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lurkingshan · 1 year

Text

The Eighth Sense 9&10

Gosh Jae Won looks so sad

Yesssss therapist call him out. Avoiding Ji Hyun is not helping anyone. Hurting and confusing someone because you want to avoid hurting and confusing them - this logic never holds up.

Joon Pyo calling him narcissistic 🤣 You’re right though, Ji Hyun

Ae Ri giving such good advice you truly are a queen👑

Ji Hyun has the best friends. They’re kind, empathetic, supportive. He’s lucky to have found them so quickly.

No Ji Hyun don’t let Eun Ji get into your head!

The hands!!! I am screaming

Yoon Won really feels clueless sometimes, geez. Can she not see that her friend is traumatized? Why is she making him relive the trip? And yeah clearly she is going through her own stuff but ma’am look outside yourself. Even in the state he’s in, Jae Won sees her pain and responds and I wish she could do the same for him.

Jae Won please stop letting this girl hang all over you, she is so manipulative and you must know exactly what she’s doing. Also pretty disgusted with her trying to get him into bed when he’s in this state. She’s despicable.

Oh poor Ji Hyun, that was awful

Yes Jae Won you are being cruel to Ji Hyun at this point. Sit with it, process it, do something about it. That little smile when he stops in front of Ji Hyun’s restaurant - that felt like him making a decision.

Detective Joon Pyo!

Ji Hyun giving him a camera and a sketch 😭

Time to dump her, Jae Won! Yesssss I knew it

She really was a cheater, huh? I’m not surprised.

I like that Jae Won has snapped out of it and now recognizes that allowing himself to slide back into things with Eun Ji was him actually being out of his mind, whereas being with Ji Hyun was real.

LOVE Jae Won going to boss lady for advice. He seems so much lighter just having ended it with Eun Ji.

Not Ji Hyun flashbacks my heart can’t take it

IS THAT CONAN GRAY OMG THIS SHOW IS TRYING TO KILL ME

Omg I’m crying he went to him!!!

THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

This bed montage… how am I supposed to recover

Aww Ji Hyun is still scared

Jae Won reassuring him so clearly, these boys have communicated

Joon Pyo gave them the room for the night, what a great pal

They’re so cute how do I live how do I function

Jae Won looking at Ji Hyun with naked adoration, teasing him about using banmal, putting his jacket on him… I may never recover

I love Ji Hyun asking for clarity, and them talking so openly about why they’re happy. Healthy kings!

Aww yay, glad something good happened for Yoon Won.

Not Ji Hyun admitting he doesn’t actually care about surfing 🤣 and calling Jae Won out on pretending to need a lighter 🤣🤣

Ji Hyun is low key a little scared to part from Jae Won and I get it

Yes Ae Ri put it together!!! I love her, she is officially my favorite woman character in a bl

Jae Won looks so much better. Just putting an end to denying himself Ji Hyun has done wonders for his mood.

This asshole is actually asking for an apology from Jae Won? Get fucked, Tae Hyung

Ahh Jae Won you need to cut this toxic friend out of your life. But we can’t expect him to change his entire personality in a day. And I do like this explanation for why Jae Won keeps him around - he is comforted by his lack of filter and mask. He always knows where he stands with him, and maybe admires a little that he’s so open.

Jae Won openly smiling at Ji Hyun in front of everyone, we love to see it

They gotta figure out when their day one is, this is very important in dramas!

Yesss Bit Na drag him!!!!

Jae Won if you did not actually mean to come out to Yoon Won you need to be more subtle than that 🤣

Yoon Won and Joon Pyo… I’m picking up a vibe

Jae Won is so much kinder to Eun Ji than she deserves

“I want to be alone with you” 👀

Ji Hyun’s endless list of cheesy couple stuff he wants to do is honestly so cute

Hahaha I knew it

“I have no time to think about anything but you”

Ji Hyun, gracious in victory. Not totally buying Eun Ji suddenly being this chill in defeat, though.

T8S is unfortunately doing the very common kdrama thing of giving shitty characters unearned redemption at the end. Tae Hyung and Eun Ji deserved to be cut off, not receive forgiveness they absolutely did not earn.

Ahh that ending was nice. Ji Hyun coming into his confidence - emotional and physical - is such such a great place to leave that character.

I absolutely loved this show. Episode 9 was the peak for me - that was such excellent emotional catharsis and every moment of it felt earned. The final episode was not perfect - some annoying kdrama tropes reared their heads and I thought tonally it was a little too celebratory - but overall I am ending this series feeling fantastic. What a great ride.

#the eighth sense #gotta go back to work now and pretend to be normal #pray for me #shan shouts into the void

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velourbat · 19 hours

Text

You always make me feel like I’m doing something wrong. No matter which way I present any kind of issue or fear I may have, no matter what I do or how I try to fix things it always goes back to me and what you think I’m doing wrong. No matter what I say or how I say it. I’m tired of feeling like I need to censor myself around you. I’m not okay with you constantly overstepping my boundaries, disrespecting me, gaslighting me, hiding things from me, and hurting me. You mention how life was easier and more in control when I was gone. How I could I ever be okay with knowing something like that? If my presence doesn’t bring you comfort then I hope my absence does. You’re no longer welcome in my life.

You scare me. I no longer feel safe around you. Each time you had broken my heart, I naturally came back with less faith. You’ve left me time and time again. You refuse to take accountability for anything you’ve done wrong. It’s always “you made me this way”, “here we go again”, “I was like this because of x,y,z”- you become ENRAGED when I speak on the trauma that you inflicted onto me. Then you get mad and give excuses as to why you act the way you do.

There is no justification in the world that explains why you treat me as badly as you do. You ignore me, you’re avoidant, you’re cold, and you have no regard for my feelings at all. You refuse to change or see the ways you are wrong. You rarely follow through on what you promise me, you left when things got hard while my dad (who you never even asked about) was and still is extremely sick, you see me as disposable.

Maybe you only keep me around for comfort. I cannot keep myself around you anymore. You’re not getting any better towards me. I’m tired of getting anxiety every day. This is taking such a huge toll on my mental and physical health.

I will never understand why you care so much about what other people think. You do keep your options open. I know you do and it’s because you’re unhappy with me. You have to stop putting me through a daily emotional roller coaster because you don’t know how to keep yourself in control. You become violent, irritable and agitated. You intentionally threaten to leave every. single. time. And I feel like this a way to instill fear and trigger my abandonment wound. And yes, all of that falls into the category of abuse no matter which way you try to spin it.

You need to hear this and I hope it brings some type of clarity:

YOU are abusive. YOU are the problem. YOU are immature. YOU don’t know what you want. YOU cannot handle conflict. YOU do not have the emotional capacity or mental competence to be with ANYONE. YOU need to either be alone or find someone that’s willing to put up with the suffocating “boundaries” you keep push out. The way you show no empathy is concerning. I say this with love, get help.

I have gone above and beyond to express love towards you. Say whatever it is you want but I know that in the end, my intention with you has always stemmed out of a place of love. You are well aware of how much I love you. It really seems like just about everything is “too much” for you. It’s not good enough and that’s why you run away.

Go find less. I’m done overextending myself for you. I’m done making excuses for your behavior. I’m done with being your scapegoat for flaws/issues that you desperately need to work on. I am done with this relationship. You have completely run me dry. I cry every single day because of you. The way you treat me, the way you speak to me, even down to how you look at me- I notice it all.

I love you and I always will. I want the best for you but please stay out of my life. Get yourself help and try to actually heal.

Do not come back, I don’t want you around me ever again. Don’t contact me, don’t look at me- nothing. I’m not settling for this mistreatment or emotional turmoil anymore.

You need to seriously reflect on yourself and why you do what you do instead of blaming me for all of our issues.

The disrespect you’ve collectively shown me is unspeakable. You’ve ripped my heart into shreds.

Here’s the letter I never got to send you.

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stardustprompts · 2 years

Text

the diviners - libby bray sentence starters change tenses/pronouns as needed !! some lines have been edited for clarity / length / ease of roleplaying tw : death , alcohol mention , language

‘they say it’s still haunted by restless spirits.’

‘I’ll keep you safe.’

‘I will teach you fear.’

‘I will not apologize! I told the truth.’

‘did I tell you that I have special powers?’

‘you don’t mind being seen with the town pariah?’

‘you with your keen observations—- what, exactly, do you find so special about me?’

‘I am exercising my individualism.’

‘you can call me anything—- just not before noon.’

‘it’s like a party without any confetti.’

‘sometimes you might hear odd sounds in the night. but you mustn’t be frightened.’

‘dead bodies are such trouble.’

‘well. It’s a regular mystery, I guess. where’s agatha christie when you need her?’

‘I thought I saw someone watching us. I must’ve been mistaken.’

‘could you please remind me why we’re friends?’

‘life don’t come to you, (name). you’ve gotta take it.’

‘not interested in making pals. I already got a best pal.’

‘I never forget a favor. you know that.’

‘i’m on to you, pal. you so much as whistle off-key and I promise I will personally give you the bum’s rush.’

‘absence makes the heart grow fonder. let’s put that phrase to the test, shall we?’

‘you must be willing to risk in order to be rewarded.’

‘I am never drinking again.’

‘you should know by now that I never do what I’m supposed to do.’

‘idealism is just an escape from reality. there is no utopia.’

‘you might change the world, (name).’

‘we’re not safe, you know. not at all.’

‘ain’t that just the way of the world, now? good luck turns bad. bad luck turns good. just a big rolling craps game played between this world and the next, and we’re the dice getting tossed around.’

‘get some rest. live to fight another day.’

‘maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.’

‘a man’s gotta believe in something.’

‘me? I’m the farthest thing from trouble you’ll ever know.’

‘the worst part is the feeling. like something terrible is coming. something I don’t want to see.’

‘I don’t wear worry.’

‘you’re so selfish sometimes! it’s all a game to you—- and you want to rig it in your favor all the time, and damn what anybody else wants.’

‘people always fear what they don’t understand.’

‘you’re supposed to marry for money, not love.’

‘there was just something about him, like I’d known him my whole life.’

‘now you’re starting to make me jealous.’

‘you’re a lot more like me than you think, (name).’

‘what I meant to say is, you like me a lot more than you think.’

‘i’m afraid I’ll have to kill you now. be a honey and sit still while I strangle you.’

‘I can’t imagine anyone ever leaving you.’

‘there are times when one friend requires the blind faith of another. this is such a time.’

‘when have I ever steered you wrong?’

‘it’s just that … you’re not what I thought.’

‘there’s nothing wrong with you. I just want you to know that.’

‘what good is it to have this power and not use it?’

‘it’s best to let the dead lie in peace.’

‘people tend to think hate is the most dangerous emotion. but love is equally dangerous.’

‘i’m not letting you out of my sight.’

‘people will believe anything if it means they can go on with their lives and not have to think too hard about it.’

‘will you get down before you kill yourself?’

‘one day, (name), you’re gonna fall head over heels for me!’

‘all this time, I thought I was alone. different. but you’re different, too.’

#sentence starters #rp memes #rp sentence starters #rp prompts #literature prompts #literature sentence starters #the diviners sentence starters #the diviners prompts #period prompts #1920s prompts

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thebananwithaplan · 9 months

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(lordofthelostworld) Whenever it was that the Announcer should have some time to himself, perhaps once the kids he was babysitting were asleep, a voice would call out to him, seemingly disembodied in nature. “Hey, pal. You got a moment?”

It was far too goofy-sounding to come off as ominous, as it was quite the caricature of a Brooklyn accent.

“I was just hopin’ to ask something a teensy bit personal, while the yella’ fella ain’t around.” Ah, he meant the host. “Now, you don’t gotta worry about word gettin’ out. I ain’t from ‘round here and quite frankly, I’ve got no interest in blackmail or anything. Though I’d understand if you don’t wanna, considerin’ the circumstances.” After all, whoever this was could not be seen. This could all just be some weird dream, not at all anchored to reality.

“From your perspective – is this ‘Dancing Banana’ guy a good person? Or is there anything about him dat ain’t so great?” There was a short pause. “I figured since ya work closely with ‘im, you might know a thing or two. For clarity’s sake.”

You know what. This 'babysitting' thing was not as easy as it looked, especially if this was for two whole weeks. Even though this was a much more casual setting in comparison to the show that he worked on, the nephews were still a little demanding despite of it; Peel still more or less so (being that he's the production manager).

'Help with our homework' this, 'Do the dishes' that, 'Please play Mario Kart with us' here, and 'can we go somewhere' there. At one point, Announcer couldn't tell if this was any easier than being told around by the same boys on an ACTUAL day at work. Little did he know, the nephews were indeed testing the sentient microphone (per their uncle's request).

Then again, he did bring it upon himself to accept the deal; he can't let the boys have a single complaint against him. If he did, he can kiss that potentially high amount of money goodbye.

🎙️ "Phew..... another day, another couple dollars...." With the boys already asleep by now, he could finally go take a rest himself. Slumping down on the couch, he was pretty much nodding off to sleep when all of a sudden...

...A disembodied voice spoke. One that wasn't his own.

🎙️ "H... hello???"

🎙️ "Who's there??"

Shoot. Did he leave the door open? Is he actually dreaming right now? Tried as he could to look around the little living room, the Announcer could not find a matching body for that voice. Last he checked, announcers weren't supposed to have their own announcers... were they?

He can barely afford to pay for himself, what would make anyone think he can afford for another?

Then the mysterious 'not-announcer's' proposition and his question wanting to be answered. About DB, nonetheless. Gee, even when the banan' isn't here does he STILL attract all sorts of attention...

🎙️ "Well.... nobody's really ever perfect, let's be honest here! Anything we imply about the things he 'may or may not' have committed... all just jokes and Hollywood acting to entertain the fans and bring in the views and money! Promise!" Despite the nonsense that the living meme would make them all go through, they were still very much close-enough friends that trusted each other enough to not out each other outside of show and studio-related business, dream or not. Because if he's being honest, he himself is no saint, either...

#lordofthelostworld #ask #the disembodied voice i sign paychecks to (the announcer)#spinoff episode 1 #((This is the only ask I got for the Announcer / 'spinoff episode' event so thank you for your patience!))

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dross-the-fish · 9 months

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do you think you could write Erik giving anon a music lesson?

Anon sat next to Erik on the wooden bench before the Talbot family’s marvelous grand piano. It was a beautiful instrument, the case, legs and lid were adorned with intricate carvings of birds that flocked across the varnished mahogany in an array of pleasing shapes and colors. Erik ran a hand fondly along the lid before he lifted it, almost reverently.

“A finer instrument I have hardly seen,” he remarked in lightly accented English, “It was good of young Lawrence to lend it to us,” he pressed one of the keys, closing his eyes in pleasure at the clarity of the note, “In perfect tune, c’est magnifique.”

Turning his attention back to Anon he asked, “Have you played before?”

Anon nodded, “I learned when I was young, but it’s been a long time and I don’t know how much I remember,” they confessed sheepishly.

Erik wagged a long, thin, finger, “One does not forget music if one is passionate,” he insisted, “But if you are uncomfortable, we will start small,” he clapped his hands sharply, “Run once through the C major scale so that I may review your technique.”

Despite doing their best not to be intimidated by Erik’s scrutiny, Anon managed the notes of the scale easily enough, c, d, e, f, g, a, b, c, all in smooth succession with hardly any hesitation.

“Good enough,” said Erik, “But that scale is child’s play and we both know it,” he reached forward and tapped Anon’s wrists, “Do not rest your wrists on the keyboard,” his other hand prodded at their spine, “and straighten your back. Posture is important. Now run through it again, faster this time,” he instructed.

Anon managed again with more fluidity, encouraged when Erik nodded his approval,

“Good, now the C minor scale.”

They started well enough but as they reached the end of the scale, they fumbled hitting a sour note. Anon winced as they heard Erik give an unattractive suction of air through the hollow chasm of his nose.

“That was terrible, do it again, and I want to hear it thrice without error before we move on.”

Swallowing nervously and repositioning their hand on the keys Anon tried again. It was on the third run that they missed the b-flat at the end of the scale and Erik had them start over.

“Three times, no mistakes. I want you to be able to do this scale in your sleep,” he insisted.

This time Anon botched the second round, missing one note then another until, overcome with anxiety they froze. Shamefaced they mumbled an apology and prepared to start again.

Erik put a hand over theirs and shook his head, “No, you’ll only do it worse. You’re getting nervous and it’s affecting your playing,” he sighed, “We’ll take a break and you can try it fresh once you’ve calmed down a bit.”

Anon released a breath they hadn’t known they were holding. Erik wasn’t known for patience and they were grateful he wasn’t being harsh with them. For his part, Erik must have noticed that they looked shaky for he softened and placed a hand on their back.

“You’re only a little rusty, it will come back,” he gave them a reassuring pat but did not linger. He knew his was rarely a welcome touch and he did not wish to upset Anon further.

“Thank you for teaching me,” they replied quietly, “It…it’s been so long since anyone took the time to teach me anything. It means a lot.”

Erik, unaccustomed to gratitude, was at a momentary loss, “You are welcome,” he said at length, “Anyone who loves music deserves a patient teacher. I will do my best to remember that,” he promised.

He was rewarded with a beaming smile, which he returned. Placing his own hands on the keyboard he nodded for Anon to accompany him, “Shall we play something together? A simple tune that is perhaps, a little more enjoyable than dry scales? If you make a mistake just keep going, we’ll have time to perfect it later.”

Anon nearly cheered as they eagerly placed their hands next to his. Erik began to play a familiar and tuneful melody, a children’s song that Anon knew well and it didn’t take them long to fall into rhythm beside him. The notes hung in the air, gentle and playful, and in no time at all Anon’s love for the instrument and passion for music revealed itself as they grew bolder.

Yes, Erik thought to himself, this is a worthy student, it will be good to give lessons again.

#drabbles for anon #Erik the phantom

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kanndlila · 2 years

Text

White Day: Side B

Scaramouche x GN!Reader [crack? fluff] Highschool AU

A/N: This is the sidetrack story to my other fic White Day which is a Kazuha reader-insert. I have Scaramouche brainrot that I couldn’t resist writing one for him despite having to finish Kazuha’s side first. I guess you can consider this a sequel to Frog Brain? If you’ve read the ‘first’ iteration of White Day, please disregard the repetitive use of some phrases/whole paragraphs, this is literally side B.

TW: Use of pet name [good girl/boy], a bit on the nsfw side, dubcon kissing, death threat [?], idk what else to put here I don’t want anyone to be uncomfy

Today didn’t start as a normal Monday. For most of the year, you just got to school on time, right on the dot, not a single second late or early for that matter. You liked your bed very much you see, but when your phone alarm goes off, you know it’s already time to head out and any further procrastination will come with consequences.

But no, today, even when the light rain outside is tip tapping on your window, you simply can’t go back to sleep. It’s an hour too early for you to be waking up. With your brain too alert to go back to rest, you got up and got ready for school. You were on your way to school when you received the first chocolate of your day.

“Good morning Y/N. It’s awfully early for you to be here. Is there something special going on?” Yae Miko came over. You were just walking by the school gates. “I couldn’t stay asleep so I just got up.” As much as you wish to, you can’t stay in bed forever. Miko reached for something in her bag just as the bell rang for everyone to go to their classrooms. “This is for you my dear. Open it when you’re alone ok?” Miko gave you a wink before going to her own shoe locker. It’s a red box wrapped only by a black ribbon. The size made you think there could be a purse or a small bag inside. What could be the occasion? Your birthday is nowhere near March 14.

You put it back into your bag just as you open your shoe locker. Some paper fell out of it though but you caught it just in time and stashed it into your bag as well, not bothering to read it as changing into indoor shoes is more important right now. Only when you finally sat in your classroom did you read the note. ‘Meet me at the rooftop at lunch’ it says, no signature or anything. You don’t recognize the handwriting either, hoping you’d just remember to pass by later.

Oh wait, perhaps if you shade the whole note with a pencil maybe it will give you more clues who the person might be. Pens are the choice of writing utensil now that you’re in highschool but who among your classmates would have a pencil? “Ganyu, do you have a pencil?” The class secretary of course. “Here.” “Thanks.” you proceeded to shade the whole thing. “Oh what’s this? A note from an admirer? That’s a first.” Yelan chuckled.

Hmm… No name, but there’s a set of numbers ‘8988-5594’ and ‘Inazuma’ written on it. Might be a student ID number since everyone’s IDs start with ‘8988-’. “Yelan do you have your laptop with you?” Yelan gathers every bit of unsecured information that the school releases, including student numbers, names, and sections. “No.” You gave the pencil back to Ganyu. “Thanks, Ganyu.” Well, there are other ways to find out who this might be but if they’re from Inazuma, what could they possibly want with you? Safe to say, it isn’t Miko who put the note unless she did it yesterday. Your thoughts were cut short trying to find out who 5594 is when the Home Economics teacher came in.

Minutes before your next class, you were approached by Thoma and Ayaka. Thoma passed on yet another gift from Ayato while Ayaka gave you a similar box. You tried asking them what they were for but they gave a vague ‘We just wanted to give it to you’ and ‘I appreciate you.’

Only when you brought it up to Beidou did you get clarity. “Did you forget? Today’s White Day! It’s a holiday in Japan.” “This is my first time hearing of it.” She proceeded to explain the whole thing to you. In Japan it’s when people reciprocate/give back to people who gave them chocolates during Valentine’s Day and there’s a threefold rule aka you have to give chocolate 3x the value/quantity of what you got back in Valentines. There are also three kinds of chocolates supposedly: honmei-choco, special chocolates you give to your special someone [she snickered before moving on, very sus]; giri-choco, obligatory chocolate which explains itself; and tomo-choco, literally chocolate for friends. The horror of taking home 3 bags of chocolate dawns upon you. It’s going to take you weeks to finish one bag, let alone three.

Time flew by as your brain just blanked out. Having your brain fried by Math isn’t something that you are planning on everyday but it seems like it just happens. You tried to find other ways to find out who 5594 is while being discreet but even Heizou couldn’t help you. Finally, lunch came. You let your besties know that you’re going to be busy during lunch so they won’t go looking for you. You didn’t tell them about the note, although Yelan might already know you’re up to something. You head out, making sure nobody sees you go up the stairs instead of down as the rooftop is actually an off-limits area. You silently opened the rooftop door and closed it.

Who you see however, is a surprise. His dark purple locks clinging to his forehead as he walks to you, in his hands are yet another paper bag. You thought back all the times you met him last month. There’s no way you pissed him off enough to have him finish you off, right? Heck, you even gave him your intact frog brain. Surely that counts for something? You could’ve given him the bad one but no, you took pity on Scaramouche's lost eyes.

Fuck, he’s getting near you. You slowly backed away, planning to sprint down the way you came but you bumped into something- someone. The first thing you notice about them is their ID, ‘8988-5594 Inazuma’ printed. So this is 5594… Kazuha?!

He steadied you, holding you by your shoulders. “S-sorry.” You flinched. Your heart yet again in your ears. Why are you not running?! Adrenaline finally kicks in. You shouldn’t be here. Now you’re getting a headache from the emotion overload.

“Are you alright?” He checked your forehead. You felt faint so gripped him tightly to steady yourself. First order of action? If Scaramouche gets too close, kick him in the balls, push Kazuha away and run for your life. Will you really be able to do that? You weren’t optimistic. You’re outnumbered and Kazuha does parkour. No way you’re going to be able to weasel your way out of this.

“You can’t be that scared of me, are you?” He’s right behind you. Kazuha just wraps one arm around you, his other hand running through your hair to try to comfort you, and letting you lean your head on to him when it was him preventing you from thinking straight. With a small voice, “Shut up.” Anger brought back your composure. If you have to fight, then so be it. You stepped away from Kazuha’s warmth and woodsy scent, putting a safe distance between you and them.

“I take it the note came from the both of you?” You raised the blackened [grayed?] note. “No, it came from me. Kazuha what the fuck are you doing here?” Scaramouche spat, not impressed that someone else decided to show up on the rooftop as well. “Heizou figured out what you wrote on my notepad after you returned it to me. I suppose anyone would’ve run away when they find out you’re waiting for them.”

“Well, they’re still here. You can piss off shoo! Leave us alone.” Scaramouche snakes his arm around you. You let him but you have absolutely no trust in this man. “I’ll be fine. Thanks, Kazuha.” You gave him a little smile. It’s all you can do for now, keep up appearances before you can already jump on the bear. It’s easier to get rid of than being cornered by two people. Kazuha nodded and made his way over to the door before you walked with Scaramouche to the bench where he was once resting on.

“What was that about?” He brought up, setting aside the paper bag at the side of the bench and faced you. “I was not expecting you.” He was the last person you’re expecting at all. “What is this about?” You fiddled with your lunch box’s zipper, maybe you should’ve exchanged your arcade tickets for a fidget cube. “Do you even know what you did last Valentine’s Day?” He says, digging through the paper bag. “I left a box of dark chocolate bars for you?” Is that what this is about? You even left a note saying ‘For Scaramouche, chocolate as bitter as your personality.’ Then the actual bitter dark chocolate bars, to you it’s nothing but to the uninitiated, it ought to be poison.

You huffed, “If this is about today being White Day, I’m not expecting you to give anything back.” He placed the paper bag on the bench. “Ah, so you’re familiar with White Day?” His eyes went from the bag to your eyes, smirking. “Only earlier today. Don’t be so smug.” You leaned back whilst your brain flew away in thought. He might already be thinking it’s special love chocolate when it’s really hatred chocolate.

“Well then, here is my obligatory chocolate.” He lifts the paper bag. “And this is for that frog brain you gave me. Now we’re even.” He reaches in to get a box out, this time it contained some kind of purple pendant. “Isn’t this a bit excessive?” He rolled his eyes, “Just let me put it on you.” It was dainty enough so it’ll probably pass the dress code policy. That aside, what the fuck happened to the Scaramouche you know? Who the fuck is this with the face of your nemesis? He took it upon himself to fix your hair and admire how the pendant hangs from your neck.

“You’re being uncharacteristically genuine right now. Did you eat something bad?” “If you mean the chocolate you gave me last Valentines then yes.” He snorted. You let out a snicker, “Well, you lived through that. How would I even know the chocolate you’re giving me is not poisoned?” He sighed, rolling his eyes. He got one box out- are those chocolate truffles? The one thing better than plain old chocolate.

He got rid of the plastic wrap and proceeded to eat a truffle. Of course, for amateurs to tamper with packed food, it must first be unpacked. Math has fried your brain for good this time. You were too lost in your thoughts you didn’t notice he had already breached your personal space, only when he breathed on you did you notice his close proximity. Your eyes snapped to his. He grabbed your waist and smashed your lips.

You initially jumped in shock but his arms, particularly his hand behind your head, prevented you from actually getting away from him. He tasted absolutely divine. The flavor melting in your mouth as your heart’s threatening to thump out of your chest. He let you [more like forced you] to taste him for a while then he did something revolting. He gripped you even closer and pushed remnants of the truffle into your mouth. “Mmph!”

He simply moves to your ear to command, “Swallow.” He gives your ears/neck butterfly kisses maybe even hickies, while you go against your gag reflex, breathing itself was getting harder. You don’t want to vomit on your uniform. You don’t want to vomit on your uniform. You kept telling yourself until you found the willpower to override your reflexes and swallow the damn thing down your throat. He loosened his grip on you to look you in the eyes. Crazed violet to teary E/C. “Good girl/boy.” He purred. You pushed him away and he started laughing. He definitely has a screw loose on his head that needs a LOT of pounding.

“You’re so naive it kills me!” Venom dripping on your voice, “Archons, give me the strength not to slaughter this man right now.” Fists at your sides, trembling eager to hit something.

“The both of you are disgusting.” You flinched. You didn’t have to turn around to know it’s Capitano. “Scram before I get you in detention.” You forgot student council members do rounds of patrol and this is an off-limit area. Capitano’s voice alone is enough to shake you to your bones. “Tsk. Fine.” Scaramouche scoffed and got his, and your things. You trail behind him with your imaginary tail between your legs. You can kill Scaramouche another day but neither Capitano here nor anyone should bear witness to whatever bloody mess you want to see him in.

He just escorts you back to the grounds where you part with almost half of lunchtime over. “I better see that necklace on you everyday.” He gives you your things and his obligatory chocolate. “I hate you.” you say, but you kept wearing the pendant everyday.

Extra:

“Childe stop snickering like a girl you twat!” Capitano turned to his subordinate. “PffftHAHAHA I can’t believe I got that on record!” He can’t stop laughing. He is the reason you two got found out. He crouched enough to be out of your view but enough for Capitano to notice his scarf dangling along the stair railing. “Ow!” Capitano delivered a hard smack to the ginger’s head. “Detention for 7 days.” “WHAT?!”

A/N: I can’t write kissing scenes to save my life. This one’s particularly disgusting but it’s a ‘Disgusting, do it again’ but it’s still disgusting, revolting, stomach-turning. I’m also not into tongue invaded your mouth thing like, it’s kinda weird when I’m writing it idk.

#genshin scaramouche #scaramouche x reader

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