2022 reads // twitter thread  

Every Bird A Prince

MG about a girl dealing with amatonormativity from her friends and mother, who are all obsessed with crushes and relationships

meanwhile the forest kingdom of birds she’s discovered have named her as their champion to save them & her town from anxiety-targeting frostfangs

Sunlight in a dark room | A.V x READER

warnings: kinda angsty, mentions of blood enemies to lovers??!! kinda?!

a/n: keep an eye out for part two 👀

ʚɞ

“You are insufferable. Do you know that?” You hear Alec sneer as you turn from your place on the couch, giggling as you read the book in your hands. His lip curls in distaste as he stares at you, leaning against the doorframe of his room as he watches you.

You had been declared mates a total of four months ago, and the kings had made the decision that you were not to leave… practically forcing the bond to come together. Those four months had been absolute hell, Alec was determined to make it known that he did not want a mate, especially one as eccentric and kind as you.

You recalled Aro mentioning once about a potential gift. You were well known for your kindness, and everyone around you felt the love which radiated from your body. You had been relentlessly bullied when you were younger, and your neglectful parents failed to give you the love in which every child deserved to receive and so you had made a vow to yourself when you were young. You would never hurt anyone the way they hurt you. It took years of therapy after you had been put into the foster system to open up about it, and when you were placed with the Cullen family the only person you were willing to be vulnerable with was Carlisle.

You sighed, zoning back into the conversation and simply smiled at Alec. He scoffed at you again as he pushed himself off of the wall, making his way further into the room.

“You act like you’re so innocent. Always smiling and giggling and skipping around as if you’re so perfect and everyone loves you. Everything that is good in the world is eventually destroyed. You’re foolish if you think you’re an exception.”

His words stung slightly, though you put that down to the bond you had been burdened with. You clenched your jaw as you continued to smile at him.

“Nothing you say to me will make me want to be mean to you, Alec. You can push me all you want. You’re not the first to be mean to me and you most certainly won’t be the last.”

He raised an eyebrow at you as he stepped even closer.

“So you do have some fire in you after all.” He chuckled darkly. “Spare me your pity party, I don’t care.”

You simply stared at him for a moment, having nothing more to say as you turned back to your book. However, you had unwillingly provoked him more as he uttered a few more words before taking his leave.

“You’re naïve to that that nothing bad will ever happen to you and you’re stupid to think you’re safer in here than out with your own kind”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Hours passed between your exchange with Alec. You were about to get up and ready for bed when you’re door opened suddenly, Demetri sliding in and shutting it quietly. You opened your mouth to speak but he quickly shushed you with a finger to his lips.

“Keep your voice low, Y/N”

“What’s going on?” You spoke softly as you tilted your head.

“A group of vampires have attacked the castle, we don’t know for sure but Aro is convinced it’s something to do with the Romanian coven.”

The soft look on your face dropped as your eyes widened as Demetri continued.

“We are unaware if any of them are roaming the halls, Afton and I were told to collect you and escort you to safety, he is waiting behind the door.”

“Safety?”

“Everyone is gathered in the throne room… everyone who’s not currently patrolling around the castle. I’ll be taking you there and you are to sit with the kings and their wives until you are told otherwise.”

You looked to the floor as you took in his words before he lightly grabbed your wrist.

“Come.. we will get you there safely. I promise.” You met his eyes as you saw the promise beneath them, what with him being like the older sibling you never had and so you nodded and allowed him to drag you outside and through the long winding hallways.

As you neared the doors to the throne room your stomach began to churn, your gut warning you not to get any closer, however the need for safety clouded your judgement and so you continued to grip onto Demetri’s arm tightly as Afton walked ahead, planning on entering the throne room to ensure you were permitted to enter. You were only two corridors away when dread hit you like a freight train.

Demetri stood up straight, body tensed as it suddenly became eerily silent. Just for a moment, the calm before the storm until l all hell broke loose. The crumbling of rock could be heard and you were grabbed from behind as several newborns circled around your protector, your face being slammed into the stone wall. You cried out in pain as the vampire held your head painfully against the jagged edges of the cobblestone, cheek grazed and threatening to spill drops of blood.

You winced at the thought and a whimper of fear left your lips, causing the vampire to push you harder against the wall. They growled low and you heard them inhale over the chaos which was happening just metres away from where you were held. You felt liquid drip down your cheek, quickly realising your fear had come true, the grazes on your cheek now spilling out blood. The vampire pulled you away from the wall to run a finger down your cheek, still restraining your arms but at least you could move your head freely now. You were about to turn to see if Demetri was okay before you were paused but the vampires words:

“You smell so tasty.” He grunted “It’s a pity really, the Volturi scum should know better than to keep snacks lying around.”

He raised his bloodied finger to his lips though before he could stick them in his mouth the door at the end of the corridor quickly burst open.

“Get your hands off of her.”

Your attacker was pulled off of you swiftly and the deep brunette hair of Alec blurred in your vision as he lunged and attacked the vampire, making quick work of tearing his head from his shoulders and rolling it into the pile of limbs you hadn’t realised had been forming.

You looked around to see both Felix and Santiago had joined in helping Demetri dispose the few newborns left. You felt hands on your cheeks as Alec’s face filled your vision, eyes flitting over your face with a worried expression.

“Sweetface, are you okay?…” He stroked your jaw with his thumb and he tilted his head at your lack of response “Y/N?”

Your bubbly facade broke for the first time in front of him and his face softened. He quickly pulled you into him as you let out a loud whimper.

“You are safe. You are okay.” He chanted as you began to sob, both your arms wrapping around his which had wrapped around you. “We’re getting you to the throne room.”

ʚɞ

Still Learning ||Demetri Volturi x Female Reader||

Part 1: Little Rabbit 

Warnings: None, this is fairly fluffy for once. 

Words: 3161

Summary: A part 2 to Little Rabbit as requested by @clowence. 

It’s been a few months since Demetri took you in now, and you’re starting to realise he’s more than just a mentor to you. 

3 secretaries, 2 weeks in the dungeons for each one, and 1 one very patient man.

That was the brief version of your time with the Volturi so far. Demetri had been enraged when the Masters’ sent you to the dungeons the first time, though he had reluctantly let you go without a fight when it happened twice more. You had tried your best to be good, really you had, but the secretaries had just smelled so good and you were so thirsty all the damn time...

“And that is why you never lose focus in a fight.” Felix’s fist was like a sledgehammer against your jaw, shattering the porcelain skin. You hit the floor hard, a hiss escaping your throat. Felix had been assigned to train you by Demetri himself, since he trusted very few people to be around you, but Felix trained you hard. Your daily routine consisted of being his punch bag for a few hours, but it gave you something else to focus on other than the grating thirst. It was like a constant itch in the back of your throat, one that grew worse and made your throat raw when you were thirsty but was slowly dimming to background noise as the months passed.

Demetri had kept a close eye on you for the nine months you had been with him. Not once in all that time had decided to tell you you were his mate of course, seeing your obvious struggle with day to day existence and not wanting to add to that. The Volturi was not a place for newborns. It was a coven of much older, experienced vampires who had harnessed their gifts and their thirst – you were very much an outsider. Constantly teased, constantly under siege by your own instincts, and yet…you made him proud every single day. He made sure you had the room next to his, Aro not denying you that privilege of living amongst the higher guard after seeing Demetri’s thoughts on the matter.

Silently, he had watched you try to adjust to your new life, and after seeing your evenings were the hardest to deal with he had set up a nightly routine of visiting you when he didn’t have a duty assigned to him or something to do. You quickly picked up the Italian he taught you, your new mind quick to recall everything you had ever thought or seen from the moment you had awoken in this life, and he had been pleasantly surprised by your eagerness to learn some Greek from him to, completely oblivious that it was an attempt on your part simply to show him a little gratitude and interest.

The truth was, he knew you better than you knew yourself in this life. The moment you started to have a little wobble Demetri was at your side like he had never left it, and the intensity of the flurry of emotions he invoked was too much for you to bear some nights. After months spent in his company, nights where reading together became nights you spent curled up next to him as he read to you, casual touches began to linger, his hand on your waist as you moved past one another in the halls or your hand touching his as you passed books between you. He no longer held you back by the shoulders as he tried to teach you some restraint as you fed (your weekly trips to Florence something you very much looked forward to as it meant a bit of alone time with him) but by the hips instead, his lips playing along your hairline distracting you more than anything so you weren’t always sure if it was your actual self-control getting better or if you were just growing more aware of Demetri.

Felix had your back pressed into the floor once more, his hands gripping your head lightly.

“And now I can take your head off of your shoulders. What is distracting you today?” he asked. You groaned, struggling weakly until Felix let you up.

“I just am.” You grumbled. How was you supposed to tell him his best friend was invading your thoughts? You couldn’t. Felix would absolutely rip you apart.

“Distractions always have a root cause.” He pointed out neutrally. A flash of irritation made you hiss quietly before you took a breath to collect yourself. Felix smirked ever so slightly, sensing your frustration and silently lowering into a half-crouch to try and tempt you to take it out on him. You ignored him and ran a hand through your hair.

“I’m making no progress.” You huffed, a complete lie. Felix seemed to know it was a lie to but he let you get away with it, tilting his head slightly in what you thought was going to be a nod before it became a shake. You frowned.

“You have made a lot of progress, even if you don’t think that you have. I have been fighting newborns for over two millenia Y/N, most would not stand up to me like you can,” He assured you, “When your heads in the right place.” He added with a smirk.

“You’ll have a chance to prove you’ve made progress tonight.” Alec’s voice was a welcome one, even if you didn’t quite get on with the twins all the time. Jane was nowhere to be seen today but Alec stood tall in the doorway, arms folded over his chest. Your frown only deepened, mind racing a million miles ahead as to what that might mean. Did they want you to fight Felix in front of them? A mission maybe? Newborns didn’t go on missions, you were told so by a very upset Caius when you had first come to Volterra and asked what you might be doing to repay them for giving you a room.

“Put the poor girl out of her misery Alec, her mind is wandering today.” Felix chuckled.

“Heidi will be returning early today, Master Aro has extended an invitation to you to join us for feeding time.” Alec informed you. If you weren’t tense before you were now, your entire body freezing up a little. Feed with them? In the main hall? You had so little experience feeding around other vampires, your control still not perfect, what if you made a fool out of yourself in front of the entire guard?

“If vampires could go pale…”Felix grinned wickedly, obviously enjoying your discomfort. You shot him a glare.

“I’m hardly a pro at any of this!” you protested. Part of you were sure this was a test, or maybe a punishment. Caius had been very upset with you for killing their pilot and every secretary you had accidentally slaughtered had only kept you further and further out of his good graces. This had to be some sort of test for you, and you feared the dungeons more than anything. The smell was awful and the dark was constant, the groans of fellow prisoners a constant echo in your ears. You didn’t want to go back there.

“Y/N stop panicking, I’m sure with all the hard work you and Demetri have put in you’ll be fine.” Felix promised.

“I need to shower.” You murmured, fleeing the room before either of them could stop you. It was a lie, of course, vampires couldn’t sweat, but there was still something so calming about the hot water flowing over your frozen skin that for a few moments, you could simply escape your troubled thoughts. When you were done you sat on your bed in nothing more than your towel, staring distractedly at the door you were sure someone would come through to fetch you when Heidi arrived. Sulu didn’t let your mind drift too long, hopping up onto your bed and nosing at your hands in an effort to get you to stroke him.

Sulu’s tongue lolled out of his mouth, tongue wagging and pounding the mattress. What was Aro playing at? What could he possibly gain from making you feed with the others tonight? Was Demetri aware of this plan? Did he think you could do it? Would he be with you? Sulu licked at your hand, his big brown eyes questioning even if he couldn’t physically ask you anything. With a quiet sigh you leaned down to nuzzle him before crossing to your wardrobe, picking something appropriate to see the Masters’ in. You didn’t want to let Demetri down today, that was your biggest fear. He had helped you so much, given you so much of your life back when you thought it had been lost to you forever. The soft sound of scratching made you look up, slipping some socks on as you padded back to your room. Demetri lay on his side, fingers scratching at Sulu’s tummy.

“Heidi will be here any moment.” He said by way of greeting. You internally flinched. Not the news you wanted to hear. Apparently your silence was disconcerting to him and Demetri looked up with a frown, his eyes raking your body slightly while you avoided the dark burgundy irises, knowing they would see through every façade you put on.

“Great.” You murmured, moving towards your shoes by the door. You had barely jammed your feet into them when warm hands pulled you into a sturdy chest. The familiar softness of his lips found your temple, and you unwittingly relaxed into his grip.

“Stop worrying so much, you will be fine.” He promised. The affection was a tad overwhelming to your already overworking mind but you let yourself drown in it anyway.

“What if I mess up? I don’t want to go back to the dungeons.” You whispered, voice wavering slightly. Demetri squeezed your hips.

“You have nothing to fear. I will be right there with you.” His reassurances were sweet in your ear and before you knew it he had led you hand in hand to the throne room. Exchanging a long look with him, you squeezed his hand tighter in the hopes he’d know not to let go. The rest of the guard had already assembled, the Masters’ stood waiting to greet their tourists. Alec and Jane glanced towards you, Felix sending you the briefest of smiles. A few murmurs went up around the room and Demetri silenced them with a fierce glare.

“Ah, young Y/N. How wonderful to see you again. I have heard good things from the others.” Aro greeted you with an extended hand and you silently wished he hadn’t, wanting to keep your worries private. Still, you knew it wasn’t a request. Aro rifled through your thoughts like it was a slideshow put on just for him, and you dared not make eye contact as he chuckled. He neither confirmed nor denied your fears, simply let Demetri lead you away towards his station in the room. His hand was tight around your own.

“You will be fine darling, just remember all you have learned. No one is expecting perfection.” He promised you.

“I am.” Caius muttered, a sadistic grin spreading on his lips. You tensed up, hearing the familiar click of Heidi’s heels. It was followed by a gaggle of voices, a thousand beats of thudding hearts and the crash of blood rushing through veins, a similar sound to what your hazy mind could recall hearing at the Niagara Falls once when you visited. You tightened your grip on Demetri’s hand, holding your breath as he had taught you to do. His thumb moved in slow circles over the back of your hand. It felt like a small stretch of eternity had passed before Heidi even opened the doors, flashing you a bright grin as she went and introducing the end of the tour. Aro stood, all beaming smiles and clapping hands.

“Welcome! Welcome friends, to Volterra!” he cried, spreading his arms wide. You could shut off your lungs but not your ears. A cacophony of heartbeats and breathing and shuffling feet grated on your ears, every little sound rattling against your already frayed nerves. It was difficult to focus on Aro’s speech as it rambled on and on, Demetri squeezing your hand every now and then the only thing really grounding you – that and your fierce determination to prove every smug guard looking your way wrong. Clearly nobody expected you to last, and you couldn’t honestly blame them. Your patience was wearing thin, your throat feeling like someone had shoved a red hot poker down into its depths.

“Easy, Y/N, try to think past your thirst,” Demetri murmured. You hadn’t even realised you’d leaned forward until you were pulled back against his chest, his arms wrapped around you tightly. “Do not let them win, you are stronger than this.” He whispered, so low only you would hear. You grit your teeth, tearing your eyes away from the throbbing skin of a woman’s pulse.

“I can’t.” you hissed.

“You can.” He said firmly, tightening his grip on you. It was a horrific feeling, being unable to stop your mind from slipping away from you, but you could feel the frenzy taking hold, taking root in your mind. It was impossible to think past the roaring in your head and you instinctively began to struggle against Demetri’s hold, the warmth of his embrace starting to feel suffocating.  There was a man across from you, a living, breathing human, with blood flowing beneath the surface of sweat dewed skin and a heart that was pounding in your ears, a tattoo in your brain you couldn’t seem to get rid of.

“And so concludes your tour…I do hope you enjoyed your stay.” You could hear him, but Aro’s words had no meaning in your head, no definition connected to any of them. They were empty, meaningless. Demetri’s grip suddenly disappeared and your head snapped around, teeth bared. He smiled slightly, giving you a nod.

“Now?” you ground out.

“Go ahead my love.”

You were away like a bullet from a gun, turning and launching yourself at the human opposite you. You’d never fed in such a public space, so many people around you, so many onlookers, but it didn’t seem to matter to you in that moment as instinct took over. You were lost to that first, hot burst of blood, drowning in complete ecstasy as a maelstrom of violence erupted around you. Your mind slowly filtered back to you as you drank, the fire clearing and conscious thought becoming easier. Picking your next target was more strategic than the first, since you had to avoid Santiago’s deadly glare as you did so, and by the time your woman of choice was limp in your arms there was a warm body behind yours.  You sank into him immediately, falling back against his chest. His breath was still warm on your ear from the blood of his chosen victim.

“How bad do I look on a scale of one to ten?” you mumbled as the last of the screams died away. Demetri chuckled.

“To me, cara mia, you are always Aphrodite personified.” He promised. You smiled slightly, sure you would blush if you still could. Demetri was always dropping little compliments like that, and they almost always succeeded in making you forget where you were. It wasn’t until Aro’s slow applause echoed about the room that you remembered exactly where you were. Your head snapped toward him and you swallowed, glancing down at your shirt. You weren’t…messy, per say, but you certainly weren’t as spotless as the others.

“Well done young one, it seems Demetri has taught you well; I expected nothing less, of course.” He glanced to the tracker who stood a bit taller behind you.

“She is wearing half of her victim.” Caius sneered. You ducked your gaze a bit in embarrassment.

“But her control was applaudable, I admit I was betting against you.” Alec’s voice was warmer than usual and that mischievous sparkle was in his eye once more – he clearly enjoyed proving Caius wrong.

“Er…thanks?” you replied uncertainly. Demetri chuckled.

“If you would excuse us, Masters’, I think someone needs a fresh change of clothes.” He teased. You groaned softly but let him lead you from the room when Aro granted permission to do so. The walk back to your quarters was silent, but the air between you was charged. There were so many thoughts and feelings you had accrued in your head over the past 8 months, so many things you hadn’t actually said to him.

“Thank you.” You figured it was a good place to start. He glanced at you from the corner of his eye.

“For what? You did that all on your own.” He pointed out. You shook your head, tucking a stray lock of hair behind your ear and grimacing when your hand came back bloody.

“But you taught me to do that. You’ve taught me a lot, actually. I just...thank you, for giving me a chance to learn and not just…you know.” You trailed off awkwardly. Demetri paused, seemingly deliberating what he wanted to say before with a quiet sigh, he clasped the back of your neck, pulling you closer so he could press a lingering kiss to your forehead.

“You were the only one to survive you know, the only newborn that lived that day, because I selfishly could not imagine a world without you in it. Everything I do I do to keep you by my side, my motivations are the most selfish…you have no reason to thank me.” He murmured, his expression soft and adoring. You blinked, sure you were seeing and hearing wrong, but his thumb stroked your cheek tenderly as if to confirm his words. So he wanted you huh? The news warmed your soul, or whatever was left of it. It felt like the right moment.

“I love you.” You whispered. A hint of a smile crossed his lips.

“I have waited for those words.” He confessed, moving his lips from your forehead to his own.

“I love you.” You mumbled, already intoxicated by the merest brush of his lips on yours. Demetri hummed.

“One more time.”

“I love you.” You smiled, winding your arms around his neck. Demetri’s kiss was all consuming, deep and desperate in his effort to show you exactly how he had felt for the past 8 months since the day you had met. It was an outpouring of love and devotion and all the good kinds of things that made your toes curl, your heart soar.

“You need another shower.” He murmured, but his lips didn’t relinquish yours. You giggled, tugging at the hair at the nape of his neck. His low growl made your knees weak.

“In another moment of selfishness, are you planning on offering me yours?” you questioned. Demetri had lifted you off of the floor in a matter of seconds, grinning now.

“I’ll be as selfish as you let me my love.”

Ace Cream - Ace!Spencer x Ace!Fem!Reader

Hi ! I had this idea stuck in my head for a moment. I’m not ace, nor aro, so this might not be perfect but i really think Spencer would be really intersting (even more than he is, i mean) if he was ace. It would be nice to have a representation!! 

Thanks to my two proof readers !!

MASTERLIST

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~ ~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~

Ace Cream

Ship : Ace!Spencer Reid x Ace!Fem!Reader

Type : Some fluffy fluff

Warning : maybe some curse words, talk about sex and maybe murder ??

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~ ~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~

Your eyes were wandering between the doors and the buttons of the elevator, your fingers tapping the side of your thighs in a fast rhythm. Your other hand anxiously played with the strap of your bag, lifting it closer to you. You took a shaky breath, trying to focus on something else. You remembered clearly how you had gotten here. Since you were young, you had been interested in police work and criminals, which kind of scared your family. As soon as you could, you joined the police unit of your city, using your free time to learn more and more, always more. You were never tired of learning. After spending days and nights working as a low-rank cop, you were finally promoted to detective, and you worked even harder, hoping to get captain one day. However, after a pretty hard murder case, you had received a letter. You were invited to pass the tests and training at the FBI after your “astounding” work. You had almost jumped in happiness. Since you had spent most of your life traveling, following your father in different countries, you had learned a lot of languages, a lot of different cultures, and it was one of the assets helping you to join the FBI. You were soon recommended to join the BAU, which you happily did. You had always admired the team and their work, using the little knowledge they shared about profiling for your own work. You had been waiting a long time to finally get where you were, and the day had finally arrived.

You tried to ignore your anxiety, closing your eyes to breathe. Your heart almost stopped as the doors opened, and you slowly walked out, looking around. Here you were, standing in front of the doors leading to the BAU bullpen. Through the glass door, you could see a whole lot of people working, and you bit your lip, trying to contain your excitation. Near the door were standing two men, and you shyly took a step forward. Agent Hotchner, in a simple black suit, was holding a file, reading through it, as a young man stood beside him, talking to him about what you guessed was a case. You recognized Agent Hotchner from the TV, but he was also the one you had talked to as soon as you got invited to the BAU. As for the other man, you could only remember him from all the interviews and press conferences they gave. The young man with curly hair and bright hazel eyes was no one else than the famous Dr Spencer Reid, who couldn’t be much older than you. You knew you were one of the youngest FBI agents, and you knew he was one of them too.

As you took another step forward, both agents glanced at you, stopping mid-conversation. Agent Hotchner sent you a little smile, before closing the case file.

“Agent Y/L/N, this is Dr. Spencer Reid. I’ll introduce you to the other. This is your first case, agent. Be prepared.”

You shyly waved at Spencer, before nodding. Hotch immediately started walking to the conference room, and the young boy gently gestured at you to follow him, letting you go first. You blushed a bit and thanked him with a nod, rushing behind Hotch, Spencer right on your tail. You walked in the room, all eyes falling on you, and you sent a shy waves toward everyone. You already knew them, obviously, but they didn’t know you. You hesitantly sat down next to Spencer, who seemed to have pulled the chair out just for you, but looked away very quickly.

“Team, meet Agent Y/N Y/L/N. She will be the new asset to the team from now on. You’ll have all the time to learn about her on the jet. Garcia, the case.”

Very quickly, the team accepted you as one of theirs. Emily, JJ and Penelope never forgot to invite you at one of their girl’s nights, you shared recipes with Rossi – he loved talking Italian with you –, Hotch treated you like a daughter and you always had fun with Morgan. The only one who seemed to avoid you was Spencer. When you did talk, you always had fun, sharing facts, teaching each other stuff. However, he often stopped talking and suddenly looked away, almost ignoring you for the rest of the day. You didn’t understand the way he acted with you.

Since the day he first saw you, Spencer knew he was doomed. He immediately liked you, your knowledge, the fact that you always carried a notebook full of quote and colorful pencils, the smiles you gave him, the attention you ported to the victims and their family, the way you knew all the Disney songs by heart and the fact that you were almost as badass as Emily. Everything about you made him smile. He even wanted to hug you, which usually didn’t happen after such a short time. Everything you did, everything you said, made him feel like a complete idiot, but in an awfully good way. It was pissing him off. Since he was a kid, he had refused to let himself fall for anyone. He had let his guard fall down for Maeve, and he ended up getting hurt. He didn’t want to make the same mistake once again. He knew how hard it was for people to deal with him on a daily basis, and he also knew that his asexuality wouldn’t help. Nobody knew, of course, because they wouldn’t understand, but sometimes, he just wished he wasn’t so different. When he saw you smile, he wanted to pull you close. When he saw you cry, he wanted to wipe away the tears and kiss your forehead. But he couldn’t. He obviously liked you, he clearly had feelings for you, he knew that. But he couldn’t act on it. Even if you liked him back, which seemed almost impossible to him, he knew that you would run away as soon as you knew about his secret. He knew it was hard for people to not have sex when they were in a relationship, and it was something he just couldn’t offer you. So he shielded himself, or at least tried. Every time you talked for too long, every time you smiled, every time your connection seemed to grow closer, his heartbeat would remind him of his feelings, and he knew he had to run away. It’s almost as if he wanted you to hate him. It would be less painful.

You had joined the team almost a year ago now, and it had become like a second family to you. You loved spending time with them, and they seemed to love spending time with you too. You were sitting at your desk, JJ sitting on it, a cup of coffee in hand. You were supposed to be doing paperwork, but the both of you had decided to take a little break. You glanced at Spencer, who was sitting on the other side of the alleyway. He seemed to be reading – no, devouring – a book, and you smiled softly. JJ glanced at the both of you, before letting an exaggerated sigh.

“So, Y/N. How’s that guy you told me about ?”

You looked down, blushing a bit. You didn’t see Spencer’s eyes shooting up, immediately falling on you, but JJ definitely did and she smiled. You let out a soft whine and leaned against your chair.

“Horrible ! He spent the whole date trying to feel me up. No matter what I said, he just wouldn’t stop. It’s like he didn’t know what being ace means. I was pretty clear about not wanting to have sex, though ! I’m giving up, I swear. I’m gonna die alone.”

Jennifer let out a soft laugh, throwing her head back, and you quickly joined her. At some point, you glanced at Spencer –you just wanted to see if you had bothered him, it was definitely not to secretly look at him. You immediately stopped laughing, blushing furiously. Spencer had put down the book, very obviously looking at you. JJ let out a soft laugh as she watched you both, before leaving. You didn’t even look at her. It had been a while since you had let yourself fall in his eyes, and you just realized how beautiful he was. You knew he was beautiful – how could you ignore it ? – but now, something seemed to have changed. He got up, slowly walking toward you. You ran a hand through your hair and cleared your throat, reaching for a case file.

“Hey.” His voice was so soft, so calm. You looked up at him and waved shyly. “Hi.” He smiled softly.

“I, uhm. I couldn’t help but hear you complaining about a guy to JJ.”

You blushed even more and it felt like you could die of shame. You weren’t hiding the fact that you were asexual, but something about him knowing made you feel incredibly anxious. You looked down and nodded slowly, trying to shrug it off. “It was nothing. Guy was a jerk anyway.”

He smiled and gently lifted your chin up. Your eyes met again and you shyly bit your lip. “I didn’t know you were ace.”  You tilted your head and his hand left your face, almost making you whine at the loss. He had never touched you before, but it felt like home. You shrugged. “It’s not like I’m hiding it.” You hoped your voice didn’t quiver, or that it didn’t make him uncomfortable. It didn’t seem like it. He smiled widely and held out his hand, which you shyly took. He gently helped you up, and your faces were suddenly so close that you could see every little detail on his face. He smiled shyly and you did too, trying to calm your burning cheeks, in vain. You knew that you were most likely red as a tomato, but you didn’t care. He was close, so close. You almost took a step back, but his hand on yours pulled you even closer, and, almost too slowly, your lips connected. It only lasted a second or two, but it was enough to make your heart rate go up. He sent you a sad, sorry smile, almost letting go of your hand.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I miscalculated the way you’d stand up and I didn’t know you’d be so close and- oh.” You shut him up, hesitantly connecting your lips again. After a second of shy, hesitant kissing, you both pulled away. “I thought you hated me.”

His eyes widened and he quickly shook his head. “What ? of course not ! Why would you say that ?” You shrugged and looked down, and he gently lifted your chin up again. “I could never hate you. I just thought that I had to stay away so my feelings would go away.”

You frowned and bit your lip, making him stare at them. “Why would you want to do that ?” He shrugged and mindlessly stroked your cheek. “Everyone I ever had feelings for either died or left me because of my asexuality. I didn’t want that to happen with you. But now that I know..”

You smiled widely. You couldn’t believe it. All this time, all you had to do was to tell him about your sexuality. You let out a soft laugh and he blushed, obviously embarrassed, so you gently pecked his lips. “I hope you won’t take this much time to take me out on a date.”

He smiled and shook his head and pulled you a bit closer, and you wrapped your arms around his neck. He gently stroked your back. “Of course I won’t. How about tonight ?” You nodded happily and leaned forward to kiss him again, smiling widely.

You heard a whistle and you suddenly remembered where you were, pulling away to see the whole team staring at you. You whined in shame, hiding your face against Spencer’s chest, making him smile.

Hotch smiled sadly. “As happy as I am to finally see you two together, the date will have to wait. We have a case.” Spencer let out a loud growl, obviously unhappy about it, and you all chuckled. You didn’t care that you had a case and would have to miss your date. You were just glad today happened.

Can you do a little text with your opinion about the Volturi members? What you like and dislike, they personality, they story... Would be interesting! Kissessss and have a great day! 💜

Imma have a little fun and throw the very young me into the mix to. Let's see child me vs adult me's opinions on the Volturiiii.

Fun fact: I wasn't team Volturi until I was like fifteen. Before that I was team edward... I don't want to talk about that 🤔😒

Also I'm a sucker for villains. If it isn't obvious already, I like the villains more than the heroes. (We all love a bad boy though, don't we?--- TIK TOK NOW IS NOT THE TIMEE.)

So everything i say is just my opinion and should be taken just as that.

Aro: Younger me was like "this...is a terrible person. There really is no need to expand on this." However adult me has been like "GUYS this guy is possibly the SCARIEST character. This man rips off heads AND SMILES ABOUT IT." He gives me child snatcher vibes (from the movies in particular). I thoroughly enjoy the power hungry persona. He's really fitting to be the puppeteer behind the Volturi. Even if he makes it seem it's a group effort with himself, Marcus and Caius. Realistically, Aro gets what he wants and isn't afraid to do what it takes to get it...sorry Didyme. What's even darker about it, WHICH I LOVE, is that he isn't heartless. Smeyer wrote that Aro genuinely loved his sister. It's all good to have a character that's a evil heartless monster but what's more terrifying to me is the ability for someone to do evil despite their love and emotions. It doesn't hold them back and that's what I find particularly frightening now that child me didn't comprehend. Micheal Sheen, from what I remember of his interview years ago, played on the idea that vampires of Aro's age kinda begin to lose their mind. Which, hell freaking yes. However there is one thing I hate for Aro's character that happened in the movies. Breaking dawn part 2. That fucking laugh. Don't get me wrong, hilarious. I can't not laugh but for his character I felt it was too 'hey hey I'm a crazy man hehe'. It was a but too much, even for an eccentric Aro. However, I'm not to mad at it because again, it was funny to watch. I thoroughly enjoy the ‘friendship’ Aro and Carlisle share and i love that it is ‘maintained’ throughout the books. I think it’s just a really nice detail. (I love lore. I am a sucker for it.) The one thing that didnt sit right with me is Aro marrying someone so that he wasnt the alone one whilst his co-leaders were very much in love? Was a little off for me but i suppose that just adds to the character.

Caius: child me would shrink into the seat because what did I do to this man? High key still think I wouldn't want to be Caius' child because imagine doing something wrong and you get that glare? No thank you! Scary angry man. As an adult... "He's an angry boi but...DAYUM WHY IS HE SUDDENLY SO HOT?" Just...don't get angry with me. You'll get annoying real quick and you're too pretty for that. I enjoy the taking-no-shit attitude he has but felt it could have been a little more prominent in BDP2 where Aro asks if Caius' is challenging him. I full believe Caius to an extend would be like "yes, yes I am. Don't be an idiot Aro. Use that braincell!" Which is why I adore the meme vibes I see every now and then of Caius hating Carlisle because why does Aro love that blonde so much? CAIUS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL-- Anyways, I can totally get why Aro wants him on his team. Caius is so angry and has so much hatred that he’s a good asset to the coven, even if not having a special ability.I do find it hard to imagine that Caius is a century older than Aro though. Although I cant picture him over forty years old lol. Although i do personally enjoy the whole Caius x Athenodora route. IT’S TRUE LOVE! Okay so maybe thats a little dramatic but its better than Aro’s lmao.

Marcus: movie Marcus is absolutely not nineteen years old and that's just a fact. If anything, he's the forty year old one lmao. Child me couldn't care about this man. He was the man who said nothing and slumped on a throne. That was Marcus. That was his character summed up. Then adult me rolled in and OMG NO DON'T DO THIS TO THIS SWEET MAN. LET HIM BE IN LOVE. As an adult i definitely became more attached. I feel like i was too young back then to get why Marcus was in the Volturi. He seemed very out of place and like a filler co-leader more than anything. However as i’ve gotten older (and written for him), I recognised that's the point. That’s Marcus’ evident grief. He isn’t there by choice and losing Didyme caused him to fall out of line with the coven. He’s lost point or purpose. Almost like its become meaningless because the love of his life was gone and he couldn't save her.So what was the aims of the Volturi to protect vampire kind when they couldn’t protect their own? He couldnt protect her. I had never heard of anything like bond identification and once i had- i was shook, like it became clear why he had been so necessary in the first place. That really is handy to understand everyones bonds in a coven, he could direct Chelsea and the two alone could destroy covens by bonds alone. Marcus makes the Volturi more realistic in a lot of ways. Like in a family, there is the happy times, goofy people like Felix, the twins representing a close bond. Afton and Chelsea, love that cant be divided. The list really goes on. Marcus represents love and heartbreak, pain, loss grief, the sad moments every family goes through. In that way he makes the coven seem less invincible, a group of people who at the end of the day, have their own weaknesses and immortality doesn’t mean a perfect existence. Especially when, in my opinion, Bella fantasized about immortality and how perfect it would be. Even after her change, she waited for her happy ending because that was somehow guaranteed in some level. Which in the end, she got but not everyone gets that happy ending we all want. I also personally think Marcus is the most feeling of the Volturi, despite being apathetic. A result of heartbreak. It’s shown he can still feel more in his own ways when he voted against Renesmee being destroyed. Furthermore, he advocated that vampire hybrids were a lot like vampires. He made that relation openly before anyone. Its almost as though losing Didyme helped him value a life?

Jane and Alec: Child me thought these two were  badass...and that still remains in my adult life. It’s always been uncomfortable to me that someone so young is so sadistic and powerful. Jane is the older twin with the ability of pain illusion...yikes. Her ability was evident in her human life along with Alec’s. His gift is sensory deprivation and these two were my favourites in the whole Saga. Still kind of are if im honest. I thoroughly enjoy the twins backstory. It has the most detail. I have a tag for the twins. Canon!twins is the tag for the twins in their book age. Unless this tag is present, the twins have been aged up :). They are very much canon but I put a bit more emphasis on tantrums. If they get angry, they both have tantrums. So whilst (unless tagged) they aren't children they can be very childish and these tantrums are pretty deadly. They’re also very possessive? I dont even know if thats the right word i’m looking for in all honesty. Lets say they get very attached if they like you. These two are probably the most secluded out of the whole Volturi.

Felix: Felix! High ranking guard due to strength and speed. I am a major supporter of Felix being a gladiator when he was human. He as a lighter grey cloak meaning he isn’t as high ranked but is so good at what he does that he’s been kept for centuries...and a lot of them. Personality? FINALLY, WE’VE GOT ONE WITH PERSONALITY!! (Im writing these out of order and i’ve just finished a chunk of Volturi members who have personalities as invisible as Afton.) Flirtatious and Light hearted, we love flirtatious and light hearted! Basically a comedian! Helllll yes, keep it going! Extremely vicious and highly aggressive? You know what? I still like it. He wouldn’t be a Volturi without a dark side. Cold blooded murderer. Yes. 10/10. Finally, someone Smeyer seems to actually care about. He flirted with Bella a couple of times in the books and i was FOR IT ALL THE WAY. I was very sad i saw none of it in the movies but im used to heartbreak by now. Im in this fandom after all. We were robbed of a lot. Strongest vampire in the world? I believe you, he’s also a hecking treeeeee. HE DO BE A TALL BOI. He actually makes Demetri look small and that’s still hilarious to me. Demetri is actually tall. However, if it isnt obvious we clearly traded backstory for personality. I cant get both smh. So...as i said before I fully believe Felix was a gladiator back in the day, hence his physique and height and excellent fighting abilities he has even as a vampire but then it kind of ends. I will say from the dawn of time, i don’t think Felix is the most academic man, just because of his era. I also think majority of the Volturi couldn’t read of write in their human lives and had to learn much older, most learning as vampires. Felix was one of these vampires, Although even now he isnt the most great at it. Then a wonderful writer known as @wallwriterstuff included it and now it’s canon in my eyes. I fully believe Felix is a slow reader and writing isn’t his strong suit either. Wallwriter also includes the possibility that Felix could be dyslexic which im all for too. For a very long time i’ve considered writing a dyslexic reader with the Volturi but have always hesitated because i don’t have it and wouldn’t want to upset someone for any misunderstandings or inaccuracies. However what i will say is that i think vampires would be the most understanding to humans with dyslexia. Learning things like that in later development or as an adult is difficult and they wouldnt think any less of you for struggling with reading, writing, numeracy- you name it. You’ll probably find they’re with you in the struggle at least half of the time. He’s also the goofball of the Volturi, even though he’s not really a goofball in our eyes, he’s the closest to a goofball out of the whole Volturi ...Emmett beats him in the Goofball wars.

Demetri: Oh yeah, it's Demetri's turn! So Demetri was previously in Amun's coven. When Chelsea gave him the old razzle dazzle...I've said Chelsea's gift so many times at this point it's getting old. I have two characters left after Demetri 😂😂 Anyway, with that Demetri was like "welp, I'm in the Volturi now." And now that they had a better tracker the previous one was kicked out. He isn’t much of a talker, polite and formal. He’s elegant (more graceful than i could ever be) and charming...yeah he is, you can say that AGAIN. He is also very calm, when next to Felix, i think everyone is calm but you know, we’ll say he’s a very calm person. I like how he was originally in the Egyptian coven with Amun. Given Amun’s goals this a pretty nice detail. NOW LETS GO TO MY VERSION. He’s very charming, calm, polite, formal and even a lil’ but quiet, i kept him pretty canon because he actually had a description to go on :))))))))))  Moving on. Demetri can be a very successful flirt when he wants to be and does have a Casanova reputation. However beyond the charming Volturi guard who has a brutal side like the rest of them, he has a chewy centre, deep down. I added that he had a child in his human life, one he doesn’t remember and very few people know about. He remembers that they died of an illness very young (around six?) but can’t remember what they look like. For that reason he doesn’t like talking about his child, he feels awful he doesn’t remember them and the loss still hits a pang in his chest. 

Heidi: Alright im ready for this one! Child me didn’t necessarily enjoy Heidi? I was rather passive about her. It was all ‘pretty vampire used for her looks’ in my eyes back then and i was never comfortable with that. I’ll get into my take on Heidi in a moment, roll on the backstory!  So Heidi knew Victoria as they used to be coven mates and we’re going to continue on as though Heidi didn’t care when she was killed? Like...its genuinely a burning question in my mind! If she didn't care, could that show the extent of Chelsea’s power in action!? (can we tell im enthusiastic about this coven yet?) It’s quite smart to have someone lure in prey. I wont lie, Heidi has quite the badass role in the coven. I wouldn't have thought about that I reckon. I’ve always thought that showed a kind of superiority. Oh you guys need to hunt your prey? pfft, ours literally comes to us. Her backstory really starts with Heidi being mistreated in her human life...a common theme Smeyer has. It can get old- i wont lie but when i give it some thought it kind of makes sense. Rosalie said it herself in eclipse, if any one of them had their happy ending, they’d be six feet under but i’d love a little bit more creativity. I could go on about how male vampires ended up being changed in comparison to female vampires but i’ll swiftly move on because that’s a whole other thing alone. Heidi was changed out of pity. (Which kinda infuriates me just to type, a pity change? Really? Really Hilda? we’ll see why it annoys me when i explain my take on Heidi.) Heidi was happy in her coven with Hilda, Victoria etc, which is hell yes. We love that. This is around the time she discovered her gift. Vampires were attracted to her and humans fell prey to her easily. Yup okay. I’ll take that. After a newborn vampire caused ‘too much attention’ Aro spared Heidi and Chelsea used her gift on Heidi. Nice, very nice aaaaand that’s where it stops and im left hanging.  Personality time with Smeyer! Lets goooo.  From what i remember and can find- she didn’t fucking have one. Apparently being pretty is enough for everyone.  Which in hindsight, fair enough on a human Bella’s perspective, its literally Heidi’s gift to lure you in no matter what. She could tell you she’s a serial killer (and technically is lmao) and is about to sell your kidneys on the black market as to which you’ll be like ‘sign me the fuck up, want my liver too? Here, let me lie on the table for you. I’m down.’ without even realising what just happened. But even beyond that...Heidi has no personality traits mentioned. In New Moon she appears to be a little flirty which im all for, why the hell not? But...thats it? Thats all I get? Then we get into fanfictions, because i read them growing up. Heidi was depicted as flirtatious, promiscuous and then it varied between manipulative or she wasnt very smart. Which i’m knocking absolutely no one for. I think you can get a badass character who is incredibly dumb. I think all characters are actually valid whether they’re a genius or flat out dumb. I love them all. However it never really sat with me. I was never quite satisfied which i was fine with until i started writing for myself. That’s when i knew i’d have to really think about what my version of Heidi would be or i’d never be happy with my work. That and you also begin to fill in the blanks? The more you write the more you flesh out a character for yourself and so that rolls into my version of Heidi! So for my Heidi, she often gets the same trope of ‘she’s pretty and rich, those types of girls have easy lives who always had everything given to them.’ Then when it’s discovered she didn’t have a good human life. It turns to the next assumption of ‘oh she’s pretty and stupid enough to be used and manipulated’. In a lot of ways, that’s what Heidi wants everyone to think. Underestimate her, please, its all the easier to manipulate you if you do.  She’s actually very smart and her rough human life made her more tough and intelligent. She’s very manipulative and yes she’s very flirty. You can look but you cant touch! She enjoys the attention her beauty gets her but if only these people would care more about what she’s like as a person. She’s not a barbie doll she will play you if she needs to. The only one who’s actually gotten far enough to sleep with Heidi is Demetri and even then the two don’t see each other romantically. They’re good friends who thinks the other is very attractive but that's where it ends. They’re basically friends with benefits some times lmao. However, Demetri got that far because he see’s the intellect Heidi actually has and acknowledges it. He thinks shes a queen who should be treated as such. She could take anything she wanted, a storm that people can only hope to survive in one piece.  Secretly she enjoys a family setting. Whilst she never really wanted children (especially when she was expected to when human), she couldn't help but melt inside seeing little human children with their loving parents. She wants that for all children. Whether that's because she lacked such affection growing up, no one knows. She’s also a really good friend, you bet she’ll have your back. Crappy ex? Well we’ll show them, wont we (Y/N)? She’ll be a bitch and enjoy every second of it. She also loves the single life, believe it or not, you’ll have more difficulty getting Heidi to settle down than you would Demetri which speaks volumes.  So yeah, move past her gift and really get to know her and you might have a very good friend.  I also don’t see Heidi having a preference between male or females and that’s in all honesty. Times have changed and if she is attracted to another female then she wont be ashamed of it. She never has been (Demetri was the first to figure that out, Felix may be the last.) Even when the times weren’t approving of different sexualities, she didn't care. She will flirt with you and find it ridiculously cute if you get flustered.

Sulpicia: Sulpicia was an orphan which i used to develop my own version of her. Sulpicia grew to love Aro which im on the fence about but yup, i’ll take it. You’ll see what happens with my version in a bit lmao. and that’s where it stops. I get no personality again but do you know what we do in this fandom? We create one and fill in the blanks baby! So i write Sulpicia very materialistic and vain, she’s most snobbish of the wives and due to the other two, also considered the meaner one. She didnt have such things as a child being an orphan so when she got the opportunity to have it-she jumped. She isnt easily impressed and married Aro not for love but for immortality, money and status. (He’s only married you for your money, princess Jasmine! HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR MONEY! Damn it tik tok, but make it princess Aro) Which works well, because Aro doesnt necessarily love her either, he just wanted a mate so he wasnt the odd one out.He literally created her because he was like “Yup, you’ll do.” The two recognised they made a great team and image so they kinda grew to love each other? A little bit? Sure we’ll say its love...sorta. ANYWAY, It’s a highlight to Sulpicia being locked in that tower where she doesnt need to see Aro every little moment, it’s better than having a husband who she’d need to see everyday. ...Yeah my Sulpicia is something else lmao.

Athenodora:  Athenodora is one of the oldest vampires in existence which kinda has me shook but I'll take it. She met Caius when he was fleeing from the Romanians, the two travelled together until they met Aro. Whilst on their nomadic travels they seemingly became mates. That's all we know about that. As to which the Volturi coven was made. Athenodora is completely loyal to Caius as well as highly dependent on him and I think that's very realistic given her circumstances. That's where their story ends...maybe for Smeyer but not for me! 😁 So I picture Caius and Athenodora being different sides of the same coin. Athenodora really mellows Caius, she is no where near is violent and sadistic as he is but due to her unwavering loyalty and dependency, she doesn't feel inclination to go against him...also because of Chelsea and Corin but I've said that so many times in this post I think we get the point. I think she's actually more gentle and soft spoken but that being said. She is very reserved and if she were to be angered she'd very much change. She could cut you down with words alone. Caius loves it. However beyond this is someone who is very maternal. Caius would appreciate it more if the two had children but instead it has created empathy. Caius doesn't want that when he can rip their head off. She struggles a little more with the 'no second chances' and that's another reason why Caius keeps her locked away and away from it. These two love each other more than words can describe. After being through so much with someone, the love can only grow. The two would happily risk their life for the other. Caius is saddened that he could never give her the family she wanted. He knows that to this day, Athenodora tries to reign in that side of her. He's a very supportive husband who's very different around his wife. He's much more tolerant, and angry. Simply more at ease. If anything happened to Athenodora, to put it simply...there would be hell to pay.

Didyme: Married to Marcus and Aro’s biological sister. Cute, me likely, keepy going. Her gift was happiness induction. VERY ADORABLE- Dont be as menacing as your brother...please. She was born several years after Aro and was changed by Aro ten and a half years after he was turned. (Dont tease me with all this lore Smeyer, I know what you’re gonna do) Aro was deeply disappointed her gift was just to make people happy- its okay Didyme, we love you. Aro is just...Aro. Her gift made many fall in love with her and its so freaking cute i CANT- but she only felt the same feelings for Marcus. MY HEART IS SO WARMMMM. Unfortunately they were so happy together that they lost interest in anything Volturi and were ready to leave. (Uh oh.) Aro, being the sneaky fellow he is, was like “I’m really happy for y’all of course you can leave. I love you my babies. My best friend and my sisterrrrrrr, I am the captain of this SHIP.” but was actually like “wait, no, no, no, not my Marcus. D-D-Did-Didyme I NEED him.” Think Sid the Sloth from ice age in the first movie when Sid really wants the baby. So this man is like...gonna have to do it to em and murder. He killed Didyme secretly (dunno how he pulled the secret part off- like i know how he did it but how did no one hear or see anything or even suspect anything IT WAS LITERAL FRIENDLY FIRE but we love the drama so continue.) Ironically enough she was very close with Aro and the two actually did love each other, Aro is just...murderous apparently, to the extent that even his sister isnt safe. And that’s it. That’s Didyme. Which im like...alright Smeyer i see you. I like this and expanded on this with my Didyme.  i get the vibes that Didyme is the most innocent and kind of all the Volturi. Losing her meant losing the consciousness within the Volturi making them all the more ruthless because there was no one to say. “Guys, maybe lets rethink this? and quickly because i cant get Caius to put down the torch thats currently on fire.” Losing Didyme made Marcus mostly become passive and would rarely stop anything that happened. I often wonder if that provoked a lot of guilt for Marcus later on. (However thats a spoiler for something im currently writing...;) ) I also think of her as a major daydreamer and the most soft, gentle person anyone will ever meet. Like its difficult not to like her despite being in the Volturi, even the Romanians would have struggled if they met her. So in the long run...i hate nothing about Didyme, only find more and more love lmao.

Corin: So im going to be honest and tell you i have no idea what Corin would look like. I’ve got nothing and when i was younger i wasnt even sure if Corin was male or female. Like a lot of these names, i had never heard of the name ‘Corin’. I dont write for her as of yet because im still trying to figure her out. I think she’s quite quiet, she lets her gift do most of the work for her in keeping the wives, Chelsea and Caius when he doesnt get to go on a rampage, content. She was brought in also after Didyme died but Marcus refused her gift.That’s all i’ve got for her. Her gift is amazing, pretty underrated in my personal opinion since like Chelsea, she really helps keep the Volturi unified but other than that, I dont have much to say about her. :(

Afton:  Another character i basically filled the blanks in for myself. So what we’re told is that he’s Chelsea’s mate and has the ability to disappear . Whilst thats a pretty cool trick...the volturi dont necessarily need it but they have to keep Chelsea happy and she demands that Afton stays so welcome to the family Afton! I also recently learned that if you hide behind Afton and he goes invisible infront of an opponent, you too will also be invisible. I figure that is until the opponent moves and basically changes their perspective but i could be wrong with that last part. That’s all we get so time for my unnecessary input!  SO AFTON IS A TOTAL SWEETHEART. He’s very shy but polite. This is a complete opposite to his mate Chelsea. It’s actually what she liked about him. At first is was just be flirtatious to the shy vampire but when she actually got to know him... she fell hard. It was also Chelsea who had made the first move since Afton was so shy. Of course she’d never say so and Afton would never want to embarrass her so that was never really disclosed to anyone who wasn’t around at that time. She brings Afton out of his shell a lot and it wasn’t long before the two were mates. Chelsea is the light of his life. Hands down. He puts up with a lot for her and is happy to do so. She could ask anything of him and he’d do it and she doesn’t even need to use her gift. He buys are anything she wants almost instantly. He cant help but adore her passionate personality, like how hooked she can get on era’s such as the 1920′s, her love for jazz music and her ability to gush on and on about anything. The two had what the other lacked and that made them an excellent team. I love their relationship. I cant help it. However, as i said before Afton is very shy and tends to keep to himself. Sadly that, paired with Chelsea’s demand to keep him in the Volturi has left Afton a little bit outcasted. All the other permanent guards were wanted and considered important whilst Afton...not so much. Although that isn’t to say the other guards are mean to him or anything. They aren’t! (Except the twins who are...the twins.) Felix and Demetri tried to include him a lot but it was very difficult to break him out of his shell. That doesn’t mean to say they wont invite Afton when he’s around. Chelsea always appreciates their efforts. Afton is notably good friends with Santiago, who often preferred solitude as well. 

(Guard to the left is who I imagine Afton is)

Chelsea: So supposedly Chelsea’s original name is Charmion? When i was younger i didnt really care much about her. I only really knew her gift and that she was the reason Afton was kept in the Volturi, since they were mates. From what im aware Chelsea basically wasnt in the movies/not identified. There wasnt much said about her in the books either. So since then i’ve kind of developed my own persona of Chelsea that could be completely inaccurate to canon but canon was my foundations with characters like these. She was always a red head in my eyes with ringlets, a copper kind of red head. I also pictured her to be small. However the newest addition to her character would have to be the mid-Atlantic accent. I blame Poppy Hill for this one. That character screamed Chelsea to me. She was very close to how i imagine Chelsea to be. So now Chelsea has an accent that i have no clue how she managed to maintain being in Italy so long and being born in Greece. LMAO. We’ll say she was very attached to that time. However, I think the time she joined the Volturi was actually very good for the story. She first came around just after Marcus had lost Didyme and Aro had her use her ability to keep Marcus in the coven. it’s really cool how she could really make or break the coven. Although, Aro was smart enough to not fully rely on her, using Corin’s ability on Chelsea to make sure she’d be happy and stay within the Volturi. Thats where the information on Chelsea really ends Over the years Chelsea has appeared in my writing and so beyond this point, Chelsea’s character is only my depiction.  I figure Chelsea is a talker, like she can talk her way in and out of situations with ease. She enjoys being manipulated and even more so, being needed.Much like her gift, she gets under people’s skin- not in terms that she’s annoying but more so she can figure out people very well. Her mate is the complete opposite and so she often speaks on the behalf of them. Chelsea is very social and charismatic. She along with Heidi are the only two Volturi members who will be out and interacting with humans if necessary. Heidi for her ability but Chelsea purely for her social skills. She’s also the most interested in human culture. She loves the parties- the 1920′s being her favourite era in terms of fashion. She has no issue changing her name and has done so multiple times when the names run out of fashion.It’s like playing dress up! I’d actually love to write more about her. I’ve really grown to love her character, even if i filled in some blanks for myself. I think she and Afton’s relationship is one of the best, up there with Carlisle and Esme- despite the two being very different. It’s a part of their dynamic!

(I always imagined Chelsea to be a red head but Poppy Hill from THOHH is a very close depiction to Chelsea in my eyes)

Renata: A stressed little bean that lives on stress. I remember thinking when i was younger she was the big threat since she was Aro’s shield but now that im older i see...a stressed little five foot bean. I have no idea what she looks like but always imagine her dark hair tied in a tight bun, looking almost painful. Another who wears heels, like Heidi but she is very rigid just as she has been described. Her uncle is a bit of an ass considering he begged her to go with the Volturi so there wouldn’t be a threat. Dude, can you not just...hand over your niece? At least hesitate! Just like that, thanks to Chelsea, she’d give her life to protect Aro and...I have nothing else. Yes it does drive me mad that there are two named guards i know next to nothing about.

Santiago:So what’s known about Santiago is that he doesn’t actually have an ability. He’s just very good at battle techniques and fighting which is why he’s kept around. If they need fighters, they’re top three are Felix, Demetri and Santiago...in that order. Santiago is also much faster than a regular vampire (as shown in breaking dawn part 2- he caught up to Jacob and Renesmee quite fast despite the two having a running start and wolves supposedly being very fast- much like a vampire) That’s all we know of him so then i got in there and this is how I write Santiago. I gave him the background of coming from a superstitious family. Like he would be told tales of demons and witches growing up as well as things like voodoo. He knew an awful lot of urban legends and whilst he stopped believing in the bad luck his family taught him, he still held interest and couldn’t help the instinct of unease when witnessing such things as rituals. It’s ironic really. However Santiago always deems that humans have it all wrong. These forces are beyond human understanding and shouldn’t be played with. In that way, perhaps Santiago still has some belief in things such as superstition. He’s very secretive about it and would never clarify it for you. Santiago keeps to himself and can be quite standoffish. He can also be blunt even if it’s insulting- he doesn’t tend to care. Although he and Afton became quite good friends since the Afton was an outcast and Santiago didn’t enjoy large groups, or most people in general.

IT’S FINALLY DONE! Every year, the Rainbow Book List Committee has more books to review, because literature is slowing getting queerer, and children’s and YA lit are at the forefront of that change. This year, our committee of 13 people had to review nearly 500 eligible titles, and 130 (well, 129) were good enough and queer enough to make the list. There were so many terrific books that we got a special dispensation to create TWO Top Ten lists--the first time the committee has done so! The Top Tens are below, and please visit the link above for the full list.

I’m proud of our committee’s focus on diversity--along lines of race, ethnicity, queer identity, and even genre. At least half of the Top Ten Books for Young Readers and seven of the Top Ten for Teen Readers are about characters of color, and most of those were written by authors of color. We also tried to feature as many different letters of the alphabet soup as possible. I’ve noted the racial and LGBTQIA+ rep for the books that I’ve read.

Here are the Top Ten Books for Young Readers:

Ana on the Edge by Sass, A.J. Ages 8 to 12. Sports Fiction/Figure Skating. MC is nonbinary and Jewish-Chinese-American. Ana is a champion figure-skater. She hates her new princess-themed program, but how can she tell her mother that, when it cost so much money? And why does it bother her so much, anyway? When she finds the word ‘nonbinary,’ she realizes why the program doesn’t fit, but she still has a lot of work to do repairing relationships that have suffered in the meantime.

The Deep & Dark Blue by Smith, Niki. Ages 8 to 12. Fantasy. One of 2 MCs is a trans girl, all characters appear to be Southeast Asian. A pair of twins flee after a political coup that puts their lives at risk. They decide to disguise themselves as Hanna and Grayce, two girls living in the Communion of the Blue, an order of weaving women who spin magic like wool. What one twin doesn’t know is that, for the other, being Grayce isn’t a disguise. This is a beautiful story about self-discovery, acceptance, and affirmation.

Drawing on Walls: A Story of Keith Haring by Burgess, Matthew and Josh Cochran (Illustrator). Ages 6 to 14. Biography. MC is a white gay man. This colorful picture-book biography traces the life and art of Keith Haring.

The Every Body Book: LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids about Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families by Simon, Rachel E. and Noah Grigni (Illustrator). Ages 8 to 12. Nonfiction/Health. Various identities and races included. Filled with self-affirming information, The Every Body Book uses inclusive language, illustrations, and facts to cover a number of important topics for young people including consent, relationships, gender, sex, puberty, and hormones.

King and the Dragonflies by Callender, Kacen. Ages 8 to 12. Realistic Fiction. MC is a gay black boy, his best friend is a gay white boy. King’s family–especially his father–have strong opinions about what it means to be a Black man, and they don’t allow for being gay. But King admires his friend Sandy for escaping an abusive home and living his truth no matter what. If King comes out, too, can his father learn to change?

Magic Fish by Nguyen, Trung Le. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction/Fantasy. MC is a gay Vietnamese-American boy. A young Vietnamese-American boy literally can’t find the words to tell his parents that he’s gay, but cross-cultural fairytales help bridge the language barrier in this beautifully-illustrated graphic novel. 

My Maddy by Pitman, Gayle E. and Violet Tobacco (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC’s parent is nonbinary, MC and her parent are white. My Maddy is a heartwarming story about a young girl and her parent. Readers learn that not all parents are boys or girls; some parents are just themselves. In this young girl’s case, that parent is her Maddy, a loving, caring parent who lives outside the gender binary.

My Rainbow by Neal, DeShanna, Trinity Neal, and Art Twink (Illustrator). Ages 4-8. Realistic Fiction. MC is an autistic black trans girl. Autistic trans girl Trinity wants to have long hair, but growing it out is too itchy! None of the wigs in the store are quite right, so Mom makes Trinity a special rainbow wig.

Our Subway Baby by Mercurio, Peter and Leo Espinosa (Illustrator). Ages 4 to 8. Adoption Non-fiction. MCs are white gay men, the baby they adopt is Black. Loving illustrations help tell the story of how an infant abandoned in a NYC subway station was adopted by the man who found him and his partner.

Snapdragon by Leyh, Kat. Snapdragon. Ages 10 to 14. Fantasy. Haven’t read this one yet, so I can’t comment on its representation. Snap gets to know the town witch and discovers that she may in fact have real magic and a secret connection to Snap’s family’s past.

And here are the Top Ten Books for Teen Readers:

All Boys Aren’t Blue: A Memoir-Manifesto by Johnson, George M. Ages 14 to 18. Memoir. Author/MC is a gay Black man. “Memoir-manifesto” is a well-chosen label for this book, which relates stories from the author’s childhood and young adulthood and contextualizes them within a queer Black experience. Although the author’s family is loving and supportive, pervasive heteronormativity, queerphobia, and anti-Black racism threaten his mental, emotional, and physical safety.

Camp by Rosen, L.C. Ages 14 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC and his love interest are gay Jewish boys. For Randy, going away to Camp Outland is a breath of fresh air, a time to be exactly who Randy can’t always be at school. But this year will be different. This year, Randy won’t be the flamboyant theater kid, this year Randy will be exactly the type of bro Hudson would want to date. Changing a thing or too will be necessary for Randy to succeed, even if that means leaving some friends behind.

Cemetery Boys by Thomas, Aiden. Ages 13 and up. Paranormal/Romance. MC is a trans Latino, his love interest is a gay Latino. Yadriel accidentally summons the wrong ghost in an attempt to prove himself a real brujo to his family who struggle to accept his gender identity. Though he thinks he is summoning the ghost of his cousin, he actually summons the ghost of Julian Diaz, and finds himself with not one, but two, mysterious deaths to investigate.

Circus Rose by Cornwell, Betsy. Ages 12 and up. Fantasy. One MC is white and one is mixed-race, one is a lesbian and one is questioning. Ivory and Rosie are twins and half-sisters, born to a bearded woman who refused to choose between her lovers, and raised in their mother’s circus. After a long foreign tour, they come home to find themselves under attack by religious zealots. As tragedy follows tragedy, will Ivory be able to save her circus family?

Elatsoe by Little Badger, Darcie  and Rovina Cai (Illustrator). Ages 12 and up. Mystery. MC is an aro/ace Lipan Apache girl. In this OwnVoices novel, Elatsoe is on a mission to discover who killed her beloved cousin, and why. If not for her cousin, then she is doing this for her people, the Indigenous Lipan Apache tribe. Elatsoe has the ability to raise ghosts from the dead, a tradition that has been passed down through generations. On this journey it will take vulnerability, wit, and the legends of her people for Elatsoe to understand all that is hidden in the small town of Willowbee.

I’ll Be the One by Lee, Lyla. Ages 13 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a bi Korean-American girl, her love interest is a bi Korean boy. Skye Shin dreams of becoming the world’s first plus-sized K-pop star, and a reality TV competition may just be her chance. To win, she’ll have to deal with fatphobic beauty standards, fierce competition, and intense media scrutiny–as well as unexpected attraction to one of her competitors.

Miss Meteor by Mejia, Tehlor Kay and Anna-Marie McLemore. Ages 14 and up. Magical Realism. (I haven’t read this one, but I think both MCs are WLW Latinas.) Lita is a star – literally. After falling to earth several years ago, she’s now living life as a teenage girl. When the annual Miss Meteor pageant rolls around, Lita decides to enter – but will her ex-best friend Chicky be willing to help her? Will the pageant help her forget about the past and imagine a new future? Lita learns that winning isn’t about being perfect, it’s about showing your true self to the world – even the parts that no one else understands.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Johnson, Leah. Ages 12 and up. Realistic Fiction. MC is a black WLW (woman-loving-woman). In this affectionate rom-com, Liz Lighty finds herself an unlikely candidate for prom queen at her affluent suburban school. Shy, awkward, Black, and low-income, Liz has never felt like she belonged, and she can’t wait to leave for her dream college. But when her scholarship falls through, it seems her last resort is to win prom queen, and the scholarship money that comes with it. Liz’s plan is complicated when new girl Mack decides to run for prom queen also…and ends up running away with Liz’s heart.

War Girls by Onyebuchi, Tochi.  Ages 12 and up. Science Fiction/Afro-Futurism. Both MCs are Nigerian, one is a WLW. In a not-so-distant future, climate change and nuclear disasters have made much of the earth unlivable. In the midst of war in Nigeria, two sisters, Onyii and Ify, are torn apart and face two very different futures. As their lives progress through years of untold violence and political unrest, battles with deadly mechs and cyborg soldiers outfitted with artificial limbs and organs, they are brought together again and again and must come to terms with how the war has impacted their lives.

When We Were Magic by Gailey, Sarah. Ages 14 and up. Contemporary Fantasy. MC is a white bi/questioning girl with gay dads, her friends are racially, ethnically, and queerily diverse. This firecracker of a novel follows a group of friends who attempt to correct the accidental murder of a classmate. When We Were Magic combines magic, friendship, and awkward moments to create a captivating story. Each character brings their own uniqueness to the strong group of friends, but despite their differences, their loyalty remains. Author Sarah Gailey has written another page turning novel, with the quirky strange content to boot.

If you're doing prompts, 19 and 24 for nurseydex

for au mash up 19. Summer Camp AU and 24. Soulmate AU

okay so in this universe, as per any soulmate universe, soulmates are A Big Thing. the way that soulmates work–let’s have some fun here– when you touch your soulmate for the first time, they leave a color in the spot they touched you. it has to be skin-to-skin. this will become important later.

so in this world, since soulmates are such a big thing–almost everyone finds their soulmate, the only typical cases that don’t are people that die young or people who are aro, though there are platonic soulmates and poly and such, bc we’re inclusive here boyos– but because they’re so big and common and everything, there are a lot of industries around them

psychics and palm readers have specialized skills to tell you what your soulmate is like, bio-medical companies sell drugs that tell you how long it will be until you find your soulmate (sketchy, but people are desperate) and the weirdest one, imo, is the send-away summer camps for children to find their soulmates young.

yeah. weird.

there’s science to back it up, saying kids who kind their soulmates at younger ages live longer, healthier lives, and the matches between those soulmates is much stronger and, now, with the advent of social media, kid soulmate findings always go viral

so now onto our story; nursey’s parents all have very big work summers coming up (his parents are one of the few poly soulmates in the world, his dad is aro and platonically bonded to nursey’s mom and mama, who are v gay and v in love, and they all live together happily in a beautiful brownstone) so they ask him what he wants to do for the summer and he shows them the brochure for the Summer Soulmate Camp in the rural part of maine.

why did nursey choose this one? he’s a romantic and thinks the greenery is the perfect place to fall in love, it won’t be too hot for the summer, he can go swimming, and they have a hockey rink. it’s perfect.

(also, sidenote, i imagine he’s about ten or eleven here, dex is the same)

so though nursey’s parents are a little hesitant, they also want their son to be happy, so they buy him all the gear he’ll need, drive him up to maine, and kiss him goodbye on the first day of camp.

nursey takes to the camp immediately–the food isn’t great, very bland, but the people are so nice and there’s so much to do and he can’t wait to find friends, even if he doesn’t end up finding his soulmate. his roommate is a great guy–named chris, but goes by chowder– and he’s so enthusiastic and he tells nursey he plays goalie in hockey so when the day comes to join the hockey group on campus, they both head down to the rink, bouncing and excited.

this is, of course, where dex comes in.

dex, a sullen, tiny, perpetually frowning little dude gets matched up with nursey for d-man. despite nursey’s initial hesitation at such a little guy being a d-man, dex soon shows his worth by checking the opposing forward hard.

“will, buddy, we’re not checking in this league, okay?” the coach, a well-meaning woman with smile crinkles next to her eyes.

dex stares up at her. “if i’m not checking anyone why am i even here.”

there may or may not have been an expletive in there somewhere. we’re not going to mention it if you won’t.

and you might be wondering, “hey why is dex being such a dick” or maybe you’re just like “mm in character” (ur wrong but whatever) but here’s the story. these summer camps are usually reserved for people who have the money–there’s only so many spaces and aside from the soulmate thing, they still have a bunch of amenities and it’s for the whole summer. by all rights, dex shouldn’t be here.

but then last winter happened, and he fell down during hockey practice, and the doctor explained to the poindexters–little mama p standing tall, resolute, her husband holding onto her waist in support, dex’s older brother j, finally not wearing an asshole’s smirk– that dex was sick. badly.

and see, dex is fine. like, the chemo sucked and his hair falling out sucked and everyone looking at him like he’s a weak little useless fucking– it sucks. but that was months ago, and it’s sort of in remission now, and though the doctor says it’s probably going to come back and they’ll have to do another round of chemo– dex is fine okay. the buzzed hair doesn’t look too bad and he’s stronger now, he can play hockey again.

but the cancer scared his parents, and his extended family, and though they all believe in the natural meeting of your soulmate, they all silently agreed that dex didn’t have the time to wait. the only thing sadder than dying young was dying without a soulmate.

so they scrounged up the cash through all the branches of their family tree and sent dex to Summer Soulmate Camp, and now here he is, angry and isolated and ready to check any rich prep kid that looks at him funny on the ice.

as you can imagine, nursey and dex don’t get along well at the start.

dex isn’t much into soulmates and doesn’t keep his opinion to himself, and nursey is so wholeheartedly romantic that he can’t imagine not thinking about your soulmate every day. “they’re the one person who can make you the best you can be,” nursey says, one day after practice, and dex scoffs.

“if you’re not good enough on your own, how the hell is your soulmate being chained to you gonna make it any better?”

they also argue about money things, but mostly brand names that dex doesn’t know, or international trips nursey doesn’t realize is a luxury. to be fair, none of the other kids know this either–nursey at least tries to listen

(he’s too young, really, to understand how his blackness has affected him in a similar, possibly more visible way. later on, he’ll read books about slaves “given permission” to marry their soulmates from masters, the interracial couples that ended in mobs driving the black man out of town–or worse– and the history of black soulmates being restricted and demeaned and made to feel less than. now, now he only notices being the only mixed boy in the room some of the time. now, at least, is a calm before the bliss is broken.)

but the thing that comes along with all of nursey and dex’s arguments is that they come to know each other better than anyone else at the camp. even chowder, who tags along with them all the time when he isn’t following after the girls’ volleyball team (he hasn’t touched farmer yet, so he can’t know, but he really likes her smile and she’s the best at doing handstands), even he doesn’t know how nursey feels about books the way dex does, after the late-night talk around the bonfire when nursey got rambly and giddy and dex just.. listened

and it takes a while before dex talks about the cancer. back home, everyone knows, but here he could pretend. nursey doesn’t tell everyone–dex almost expected that he would, but that was more on him than nursey– but he listens and nods and doesn’t pity dex, respects him maybe, cares, but no pity.

and that night, sitting on the end of the dock in a rare unsupervised moment, nursey nearly reaches out to hold dex’s hand in comfort, and dex nearly hugs nursey when he says, “fuck cancer” in the most emphatic, simple, comprehending way dex has ever heard, but neither does. they’ve learned, in this culture, the importance of touch, and both boys are too scared to find out, to break that last barrier. this could be enough. this should be enough.

the rest of the summer is spent in a haze of friendships and salt water and trees and scraped knees and laughter, and all of them swear that they’re gonna text, call, facetime, whatever. they’re going to keep this up. they’re going to be friends forever

they’re not allowed phones at the camp, so they write down each other’s numbers– just dex’s, actually, because he’s the only one who can remember his home phone number– and nursey and chowder swear to call when they get home and give dex their number (chowder also has farmer’s number, now, and her mark–smudgy and bluish purple on his shoulder from where she tackled him trying to spike the ball in a game on the beach last week. his, teal, is on her palm almost in the shape of a heart)

on the day of pick up, dex’s family shows up first–closer– and he and nursey are forced to say goodbye. “i guess this is it,” dex says, hefting his duffle bag strap onto his shoulder.

“no it’s not,” nursey insists. “i’ll call you. i will.”

“yeah right,” dex says, but he’s smiling anyway, and something about the moment–two boys, from such different worlds, somehow so similar in all the important ways, stand in front of each other, having never touched but knowing every little thing– something about the moment makes it so, suddenly, being soulmates doesn’t matter.

they’re friends. no matter what their colors say, that can be the most profound relationship they ever have.

“see you, nursey,” dex says, impulsive, and reaches his arms up to hug nursey close. nursey, startled, wraps his arms around dex. the hug is so unexpected, so quick, that neither of them feels dex’s forearm brush against nursey’s neck, neither of them notice the spread of green–on dex’s arm– or orange– nursey’s neck

later, after dex’s dad pulls in the driveway of their house, dex shoves open the door he’d slumped against when he got in the car and absentmindedly goes to wipe off the mossy-green stuff on his arm only to see it and freak

nursey, since his is behind his head, isn’t the one to notice his mark. it’s only when he’s going up the stairs in front of his mama that she yells something about “papito why didn’t you tell us you found your soulmate?” and nursey drops all of his bags and races up the stairs to the bathroom to try to use a hand mirror and the bathroom vanity to see the sunset dex left on his neck

but here’s the drama, right, nursey goes for his bag to find dex’s number and call–and he can’t find the paper it was written on. he scours his stuff to no avail. his parents call the summer camp, but they legally can’t give out information, and nursey doesn’t know the name of dex’s town and– you get where i’m going. they can’t find each other. they lose touch.

and both boy wonders what could have been, dex wonders why nursey didn’t call (probably develops a complex, whatever) and nursey wonders why dex never tried to look him up, and nursey hopes that dex’s cancer didn’t come back and dex hopes that nursey is still the romantic he’s always been, but they don’t see each other for another seven years.

what happens then? well, these hockey nerds go to take a tour of this cool college called samwell and, well. the rest i’m sure you can figure out from there.

(excerpt from the aftermath; a frequent fight

“i can’t believe you lost my number”

“i can’t believe you gave me a mark i can’t even see”

“i can’t believe you wanted to go to a summer camp to find your soulmate when you were ten”

“i can’t believe you didn’t–”

“nursey, dex, please can we just pick a place to eat and go?” poor baby chow

boys; “well, i had cancer, so i think i should get to pick–” “hey, you can’t pull the cancer card every time you want to eat at the grill, it’s not fair!” “i lost my hair, derek!” “so? you shave it all the damn time–”

chowder’s stomach rumbles. he texts chowder frowny faces and she sends back a cry-laugh and a wink. he gets no sympathy for his plight.)

And so I continue on my epic re-read of that nonsense royalty AU mixed with a teen movie except gayer-- uh, I mean, Misadventures

Chapter 6 here we go

I already remember that when I wrote this chapter I wanted to throw my laptop out of the window because it was impossible, so now I’m scared

Kim actually doing exercise in this fic was me directly calling myself out for lazing around all day

He tries to get out of detention by pulling the “but I’m a prince!” card ashfskdjhkf that won’t work on Lady Mendeleiev!!

Speaking of, I’ve had Ms Bustier called “Lady Caline” in this thing but Mendeleiev’s still referred to by her surname? Can’t remember what I was thinking tbh

Kim you dumb idiot, the nobles aren’t moving out of the way because you’re royalty, they’re moving out of the way because MENDELEIEV IS WITH YOU

Ohhhh my god stop accusing your own classmate of murder, I think Alix would have much more than a detention if she’d fricking killed someone

Sidenote: Alix did not deserve detention. The rules didn’t say anything about rollerskates so she did nothing wrong and this was very unfair

And there’s me showing off how much research on cobras I did lmao

...I’ll be honest, 90% of the reason I wrote this fic was because I wanted Kim to have to walk with a book on his head

goddammit you know when you notice symbolism in your writing that wasn’t there before? this fic is hecking doing it already. striking a BALANCE between being a stupid idiot and being a thoughtful goodbean is legit a running theme in this thing, and,, that’s,, their detention,,,sdskgkjf

I’m the noble who fell off the balancing beam. it’s me

Kim... I’m going to hit you on the head with that book I s2g STOP BEING A JERK

the symbolism gahhh I’m dying, he needs to be more patient and less reckless just like his life skjdhksjd sjdghbsjfhsk laksjflad

How did Mireille end up in detention, you ask? Simple. Aurore framed her. Those two have a real hecked up relationship in this thing and oh boy it’ll take a front seat in the sequel if I ever write it

well dammit now I ship Kim with Mireille I mean they held hands

“If someone doesn’t get over here to help me finish this stupid thing right now, I will throw this book at someone’s face hard enough to send their teeth into the back of their brain.” pls... alix... hit ME with the book I’m begging you

I’m. having an allergic reaction to Kim’s crush on Alix. I know what happens later in the fic and I’m already breaking out in hives

Chapter 7 is called “90% chance of death” which is an accurate statistic to describe the mortality rate of reading it

I MADE A NINO AND POTATOES REFERENCE OH MY GOD I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING BAD I EVER SAID ABOUT THIS FIC, IT’S PERFECT NOW

This reads like a game of Civilization and yet I hadn’t even played it yet at the point when I wrote this part

MAX W O W HAVE SOME FAITH IN KIM OKAY, HE’S A DICK AT THE MOMENT BUT HE’LL GET BETTER

And Kim stop trying to be tsundere, you’re so bad at it. everyone knows the real tsundere in this fic is Alix,

There’s me showing off about knowledge I learned on wikipedia again

“That would be the coolest way to die. Agonizing death by snake bite. I would love that.” Juleka you can’t just SAY that to Alix oh my god do you even know what happens in chapter 25???

Kim being good at archery is 100% a shoutout to Dark Cupid btw also he’s a sagittarius like me and I’ll fight you on this

Max just got bored and straight-up left the sports day lmaooo that’s the biggest mood

I can’t wait for chapter 60 where the Other sports day happens and it’s like the total inverse of this one

YES ALIX, GO OFF

she’s highkey lying. she cannot order someone’s execution, she may be a pharaoh but she really doesn’t have much power lol, she just pretends she does so people will let her do what she wants

only chapter 7 and Kim’s already crying over something dumb (aka the threat of being eaten alive by a venomous cobra)? nice

“I guess me suddenly storming in here and lowkey threatening to kill you may have been overboard” uh yeah, you don’t say?? he kinda deserved it tho lmao

I love how Kim’s all like “ayy there’s plenty of other cute girls at this school for me to fall for!” when the two people at school he falls for next are both BOYS

alright chapter 8 now baby, and yes the title “Chick???” makes perfect sense in context I swear

Oh here’s one of those boys already! Kim’s crush on Adrikins is so damn obvious I love it

The umbrella scene happened except with a parasol

the whole “you four seem to make a good group” thing was me thinking how Marinette/Adrien/Alya/Nino is a god-tier ot4

oh god I want to hug Nath

OKAY OKAY SO. Nath and Alix don’t make friends until like chapter 44 or something, but the reason she knew already that he liked Marinette was because Juleka told her in the snek scene earlier, and then Alix used this knowledge to force people into giving her chocolate

Alya your gaydar is so broken... almost none of the girls in your class are straight

I’m also going to hug Alix, I know what it’s like to be a confused baby aro -- in fact I was at the time I was writing this skdjfhksdjhgkjf

Kim’s homework was just me typing out a bunch of intelligent-sounding words I remember seeing in Crusader Kings II tbh

MAX YOU PRECIOUS GAY BEAN, GIVE IT LIKE 20 MORE CHAPTERS OKAY

ohohoho chapter 9 here we go

noooo Alya noooo don’t trust Theo!!! you’ll find out why in like chapter 47 but just!! don’t trust him!!!!!!

Alya I s2g... of course Marinette likes girls, she’s bi af

Chloe and Sabrina are wlw too... please fix your gaydar I’m begging you

same with Rose, good grief, she really does love Juleka omg

I love how I called the kingdom of Couffaine “mysterious” and “distant” because I hadn’t decided where it was yet, because I’ll have you know that for the sequel I’ve decided it’s the non-distant and non-mysterious Orkney Isles

Alya just knocks on Juleka’s door like “YO ARE YOU A LESBIAN?” skdjhkjsdhg I’m sobbing

No Alya, Couffaine isn’t a morbid kingdom, Juleka’s just really goth. Couffaine is just like how Scotland really is lol

Kim wtf you can’t just ditch Max like that good grief...

and there I go teaching the readers about geography, because that’s definitely what normal people talk about in their conversations

Alix’s ringtone is definitely a rickroll by the way

I love that these characters are in fact completely aware that they’re idiots who should not be in charge of a country, what they’re unaware of is all that precious, precious character development heading their way nyehehhehehe >:D

Look... I know I said I was having an allergic reaction but hugs with height differences are Very Important to me so just this once I’ll let it slide

Phew, chapter 10, and then I’ll stop because holy shoot I need time to process the ridiculousness of this mess

oh my god Kim literally burning the letters his parents send him in order to avoid his responsibilities is?? such a mood?? I’m basically doing that myself right now

This is the only time Emperor Gabriel even has any lines until like almost the last chapter lol

anD IT’S FULL OF FORESHADOWING OH MY GOD ADRIENNNNN

btw Chloe’s oracle question was “will I marry Adrien?” and of course the answer was no, so that’s why she was upset lol (idk what Marinette’s question was, I didn’t think of one oops)

more geography lessons!!!

Max being irrationally mad at Alix’s country having a higher GDP than his was inspired by him being mad about losing the gaming tournament to Marinette in the Gamer episode, by the way

Alix... is a reptile scalie I’m gonna regret saying that aren’t I

I love how her oracle question is literally just a stealth “I’m aroace, right?” and that makes the irony of the next bit so much funnier omg, poor Kim lmao I was so so cruel

(also I finally fixed that inconsistency... Fu said he was 186, but technically everyone in this fic is about a year or two older than they are in the show at the beginning, so he should be 187 instead)

Kim has just accepted that he’s going to die young by doing something reckless and stupid, that’s such a gen z mood wow

I’m genuinely losing brain cells because of Kim right now, I’m contracting the bubonic plague as I type, I’ve already lost 3 years off my life and so has Master Fu,,,, ask a sensible question you idiot

No Kim, it won’t be CPR, she really will kiss you, you’ll just know okay... now if you’ll excuse me I need to go bang my head against a brick wall for several hours

Better Together.

-Bobby x Reader

-Expecting parents au, fluff

-Here for You is another dad!Jiwon request I had. This request came in right after so I guess in a way, they’re in conjunction with one another. You don’t really have to read them together since they’re pretty much stand alone pieces but it’s nice to have a small continuation. Anyways, here ya go! 10 years late but I did it!!!

The world suddenly seemed so much bigger now that your range of mobility was limit to three feet out your front door, and occasionally down the street for a short walk with your dog, in which you’re no longer allowed to hold the leash. As per your doctor order? God no! In fact, your doctor always commented on how well taken care of you were at every single appointment. This preposterous house arrest is of course, as per your husband ordered. 

Jiwon had been beyond amazing throughout your whole pregnancy despite missing nearly every single parent-in-training class due to iKon’s hectic tour schedules. Possessing the vast knowledge of one book on pregnancy for dummy he once read before realizing that nothing the books offered could possibly save him from your fifth mood swing of the hour, nor the guilt he constantly feel watching you cried from the sheer endless aching of carrying a new life. Yet there he was every time your eyes glossed over with a new insane craving or another hormonal whine fest about how unfair it is that you’re the only one looking like a duck had swallowed a planet waddling around whilst he, dashing and breaking heart as ever. Every time you panic, every time you’d freak out over every little thing, he’d be there holding your hand, calm as a swan to guide you through. Even if only moments later you caught him on the brink of tear, rapping at top speed on the phone with Hanbin, no doubt letting lose all the worries he held back for the sake of your peace of mind. Poor Hanbin, bless his soul for being therapist/consultant for whatever it might be that Jiwon is ringing him up about now. He probably has it harder than you will ever experience because Jiwon has to be taking all that emotion somewhere. He sat through an hour of you ugly crying while sobbing because you lost the allan wrench that came with your new shelf. Even when Jiwon had presented another shiny allan wrench from another set of table he had saved after putting it together the week before, you were still bawling like a baby that it weren’t the same. The collection of bags under his eyes were at this point more extensive than your designer one that he had gifted you through the years. He took it all with the grace and braveness of a new dad, without ever letting you hear his complaints. 

Jiwon, your dear husband, he’s god sent, best you could’ve ever ask for so why was it you were screaming his name off the top of your lungs, muddling it with a strings of obscene curses? Well because it’s well into your 2nd hour of labor pain, which will only get worse from here as informed by your kind team of nurses. The insane hours of pain feels much like the wave crashing the shore, except, instead of the soothing water of the ocean and sunshine of the beach, it was waves of fire, and knives, and molten lava because all you could feel is searing pain. Jiwon sits beside you, his face had contorted into something so twisted he might as well check himself in for some surgery to morph it back to the handsome face he possessed before dropping all his schedule to rush to your side.

“Baby, does it hurt mu-” His whisper chopped off as quick as it had surfaced by a small yelp elicited by your nails digging into his palm. Now he had braved probably just as much pain as you had letting you clawed at him, pinched him, hold him to a point of bruising yet not even a whimper of complain. He knows whatever discomfort he might feel will never, ever be worthy enough to compare to what you’re about to go through.

“Does it hurt, Jiwon? Does it HURT? Are you seri- Oh my fucking shit. Are you being serious right now?” The audacity of this man to sit here and question whether or not you’re really in pain. Does he still not know how it work after the half an hour of you going into an hysterical rant, explaining in excruciating details of how babies are born?

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know it hurts a lot. What can I do?” 

“Do you, Jiwon? I just had three different people shoved their hand up my damn vagina in the last hour alone while humming “not ready yet” like I’m a freaking pie in the oven all the while being display like a freaking 150 pounds piece of really shitty art made by someone with no artistic sense whatsoever for everyone to see. Do you really know?” Damn, Jiwon would be proud with how fast and powerful you had just gotten that sentence out in one single breath if he weren’t so scare, being married to a rapper really has it perk.

“I’m sorry. I’m here, hit me, scream at me all you want okay? But you gotta calm down baby... The doctor said getting upset isn’t good for little Y/n. What can I do?” Instinctively, just as he had all these years when the world becomes a little too much for you to handle, Jiwon pulls you into his arms, never mind your harsh words or that his left palm is now bleeding from how rough your hold on his hand were. He places a kiss on your sweaty forehead, with the good hand running through your matted hair. If Jiwon could be pregnant instead, he would. 

He had always been the one bugging you to get pregnant, although never quite mad, Jiwon had gotten short with you once before when you expressed your nonchalantness with having kids. He wants to take it all back now. How could he be so selfish, how could he make you carry a life just because he wants a mini Jiwon or mini Y/n when you weren’t ready. He had forgotten seeing Hanbin and his wife went through so much trials and tribulation with their twins, or how hard it was on Chanwoo’s wife when she had complication with their first born so he so selfishly blamed you for still not having someone to call him “dad”. What a screw up he is for blaming you, the only person that was willing to take him at his best and at his worst without ever questioning his intention. 

“Get me some water... as much ice as you can.” You whimper out and he nods furiously, not knowing how else to help. A heavy sigh left your lips just as his shadow bolts out the door behind him. You know how harsh all this was on him, and of all his fears but the pain had blinded you for the past few hours.

“Baby, here.” He rushes back to your side, thankful to see a more rested form of his wife smiling back. Lifting a few spoonful of cold salvation to your lips, he settles happily when you lean into him as you satisfyingly crunches on the ice.

“Jiwon... I’m sorry.” You mewl out, much to his surprise. 

“Whatever for, honey? You did nothing wrong.” Eyes widen, for the first time since arrival he was met with your tearful features even with the gut punches your body was preparing to welcome the baby are still rolling in with full force.

“I-I know all I’ve been doing is yell at you. First all I do is complain, now I just yell and hurt you. I don’t want you to think this is me now... I said it before, I’ll say it now. I’m happy to be able to welcome my child with you, our child. I know I don’t say it enough, or at all, but Kim Jiwon, you’re an amazing person.”

“Stop it, love. I’m far from perfect. I always expect this thing to be easy breezy, you know? I’ve seen Jinhwan hyung did it, then Yunhyeong hyung... Even Hanbin, and June, and the maknae. I just, I don’t know. I guess it’s not as easy when we do it ourselves, huh?” That strange chuckle, signature of your husband rings out so dearly and suddenly your heart is at peace. You snuggle further into his chest despite the strange position you both had taken on with the soon to be gone bump in between. “Like I said before, you’re the most beautiful person in this world and I thank God everyday for giving me you.” 

You must be looking like a rag doll after a tsunami but his words and those loving eyes just make you feel like a million dollars. His fingers find their way back to your face pushing away a few stray strand of hair as they would always do before he so tenderly presses a gentle kiss on your lips. Jiwon holds it there for what felt like eternity as he lets his heart and soul sear you with all his love, only parting way once the footfall could be heard leading to your room. 

Once more you experience what could only be describe as a frog prepared to get dissected during bio class, what’s with being prod at, poke, and examine. Another 4 excruciating hours and a few laps around the maternity ward later to loosen your muscles, you were prepped and primed for the main event. The world feels like such a blur, as if suddenly the Earth had decided to go on a race with its sibling planets. Blurs of people running in and out of the room, blurs of faces telling you to push, blurs of the incessant beeping of all the machineries, blurs of pain. In the blurry faded world flashing in front of your eyes, his face remains clear as day right beside you. Jiwon has his arms around you like he always had been when he walked you through rough spots in life. 

For God knows why, your memories rushes back to the day you had thought your journey with him was to end, back to the days of being young and being careless. You had gotten tired of waiting, angry at him for always leaving but too foolish to realize there were millions of other solutions before separating. “Let’s break up” you had said simply and watched as he said simply, “No.” Before you had realized what was going on, he already had his arms around you before repeating one more time, “No.” You were angry at first, the blatant disrespect he was showing by refusing to hear you but then you broke down crying in his arms and held him the tightest you’ve ever held anyone. “My naive girl, what make you think pushing me away will be the answer to your pain of never having me around? Did you think that parting way forever will help you get over how much you miss me? Because let me tell you right now, if you love me as I do you, that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever come up with because i can’t even fathom how much it hurt not to have you in my life.” And he held you for the next hours as you both snuggling up on your old worn couch, then the rest of the night when you buried your head in his chest while listening to his sweet, sweet voice. “When you’re thirsty, you drink water. When you’re hungry, you eat. When you miss someone, you should be with them. I don’t get your ass backward logic, missy. Tell me right now, would you rather me leave right now, and I will if you do. I don’t want to force you into a relationship if you’re already decided you don’t need anymore.” Your response was to pull him closer and never let go.  Just like that night, Jiwon is right where he needed to be and he protects you in his arms even when he doubts that it will help, he holds you anyways. Through the exhaustion and through it all, you smile because you’re all each other got and simply, you’re better together as 3 and counting. 

Then the world stops. A single cry tears through the musty sweat filled air like the clearest bell and all either of you could hear was that cry. The weight of the world lifted off your shoulders when you see the smile on his face, a smile that said you had just been demoted to second favorite as the nurse hands over your bundle of joy. 

“She’s so perfect. God,  I said I wouldn’t cry. Look at me now.” Jiwon half guffaw half chokes on his own tears as he delicately places his lips on her forehead, finger gently caressing her fluffy cheeks. 

“She’s perfect, just like her dad.” You lean back, forgetting that stitches were being placed, that your lower half felt like it had been through a meat grinder. Watching Jiwon holding your sleepy baby close to his chest as he coos “Hi baby, I’m your dad”, you’d go through this again and again. There is nothing more precious in this world than bringing a new life into this world and nothing will surpass the joy of doing it with Jiwon. You’re sure the weeks to come will be both painful and exhausting but seeing the excitement in his eyes as he shows off your daughter to the boys, you know you’re in good hands. 

The Worst I’ve Ever Been- A Short Story

The worst I’ve ever been has got to be October of 2010. When I look back on it now, I feel okay. I don’t feel ashamed or angry with myself, because those times are long gone and they must have happened for a reason. Yes, back in 2010 I was most certainly embarrassed and self-pitiful. But I was young then, and I still had a lot to learn. Most of my embarrassment came from worrying what other people thought about me, and that’s a slippery slope to be on. Twenty years later, I am not cured. That’s the thing- there is no magical cure. There isn’t a doctor in the world that can hand you the prescription to make you forget all your troubles, or erase every single feeling you’ve ever felt before. If that were the case, we’d all be robots, and I think I’d rather keep myself and be a bit messed up than be not messed up in the slightest but void of any emotion.

As I was saying, I am not cured. I must repeat that for emphasis, because it’s so, so important. I am, however, managing. At some point along the way- and you may feel at the time like it’s never going to happen, but trust me, it will- you’ll start to feel slightly better. Maybe you found a job, or you discovered a new hobby. Perhaps you reconnected with an old friend, read a book that moved you, or you fell in love. Regardless of what that something is, something happens to you, and you suddenly feel a lot more grounded. That something makes you feel whole and okay again. It’s a wonderful feeling, and it gives you hope. When we talk about treatment for mental illness, we’re talking about a change not a cure… that’s the difference. That difference makes all the difference- because frankly, if you walk around looking for an outright cure, you’re going to be faced with disappointment.

These are the sorts of things I half-read off cue cards to my first year psych students, much to their dismay. I think they were looking for actual content; cold, hard facts and statistics thrown into a lengthy PowerPoint. If they wanted to hear someone’s life experience, they could meet up with a friend for coffee. They chose university for a reason- there’s only so much you can learn from telling and hearing personal stories… or that’s what they say.

Well, these were the doubts I fed myself after every class. Never did a student actually approach me and say, “Hey, Mr. Taylor, your class sucks… I wanna see more slides on the history of cognitive behavioural therapy”, but I was a master mind reader, of course. Over time, I became more experienced in ignoring my negative inner dialogue, but it was no easy feat. I had hard days just like anybody else, even after I thought I’d shot anxiety down for good (turns out there’s no such thing- and as a psych professor, I really ought to know that).

Despite being forty years old, I’d only been teaching for a year. It took me a long, long time to get to where I am now, and to even figure out that’s what I wanted. There were so many wrong turns, drop-outs, and quitting crappy jobs along the way. I’m a man with many regrets, but hey, you live and learn, right?

The new, bright-eyed students watched me from their uncomfortable seats in the lecture hall as I spewed out my usual first-day greeting. What I did was I talked too much about how I got into psychology and teaching, and then I would try to cram the syllabus into the last five minutes of class. I hadn’t yet mastered my time management skills, in contrast to many veteran professors that made the whole teaching thing look like a cake walk. Mr. Allen, who’d been teaching at this very university for over thirty years, was a favorite among psych students, and he always delivered the perfect blend of statistics, history and personal experience. And then there was me, Isaac Taylor, clumsily trying to find that balance when all I really wanted to do was blab to everyone about my life.

I could’ve sworn I saw a few students exchanging uneasy glances, so I quieted down a little, coughed and changed the slide over to the vague course description. What would we be learning about this semester? What were our learning goals? All of that general, boring stuff that didn’t really talk about what we would actually be learning. I’ve tried to talk to my superiors about reconsidering the “orientation” information, perhaps giving it some more interesting content, but my suggestions weren’t taken much into consideration being the “psych baby” that I was. The psych veterans laughed at me with their eyes, as if to say, “Mr. Taylor, you’ll come to learn that you can’t change anything around here, but good luck with that”.

To my surprise, one of the new students raised a hand with a question. I was shocked because most of them kept their mouths shut at first, at least before they decided whether or not they wanted to drop out. It was a young woman- she had to be in her early twenties- with fiery red hair tied up in a messy bun; freckles; wide-rimmed glasses. She balanced a handful of books on her lap- a few notebooks, a few textbooks. A fairly standard nerd type.

“Professor, you said that October of 2010 was the worst you’d ever been. I think it’s unfair of you to say that and then change the subject; we were all a little bit intrigued to know why, I think. Could you finish the story?”

Again, I was shocked. Caught off guard. I wasn’t expecting any questions at all, never mind such a bold one. Well, there wasn’t much time left for storytelling; it would simply have to wait. Maybe my doubts had been wrong- people did want to hear what I had to say. Or at least this strange young lady did.

The nerdy redhead tipped her head to the side slightly, waiting patiently for my answer. I noticed I was starting to sweat- something I did when I was nervous- and I tugged at the collar of my sweater, desperate for more air. The pause between her question and my answer felt like hours, but in reality it must have only been a few seconds; it’s odd how time seems thrown off when faced with anxiety.

“Well, I’m glad you found my introduction so interesting,” I began, “but unfortunately, the next chapter will have to wait until our lecture on Friday. If people are still wanting to hear it.”

I heard murmurs of approval, a few nods of the head. But the redhead looked unimpressed. She wanted my story now; well that was just too bad. I wasn’t anticipating such a reaction from anybody. Last year, students were polite when I told my story but I didn’t get many questions. I certainly wasn’t encouraged to continue talking. I think some people just wanted to learn what they came here for- textbook material- and be on their way. Others, like this redhead, wanted some more context. She was frowning at me, as if that were not the answer she wanted, but then the clock signaled it was time to leave, and I dismissed the class.

***

A couple hundred students poured out of the lecture hall, and I stayed at the front to gather my supplies, shut down my laptop, and so on. When I had my back turned, focusing on whether I should schedule my updates for a later time or just say “meh, I’ll do it when my laptop finally forces me to”, Nerdy Redhead tapped me on the shoulder. I whipped my head around to see who it was, and her green eyes met mine fiercely.

“I think you have a pretty good story to tell,” she said to me, “and I’m not sure I can wait until Friday. Can you please at least tell me a little bit, to get me through my day? I love stories.”

I narrowed my eyes. I was always skeptical of people that even showed remote interest in me- what was her motive? Perhaps she was being sarcastic; maybe I was dreadfully boring to her and her classmates were going to laugh about this over lunch later. How could I know for sure? I was also slightly offended the way she said “stories”, as if I were reading her some sort of choose-your-own adventure novel. It was a story, sure, but it was a true story and a story that ought to be taken seriously. Maybe I was just too sensitive.

“You can wait like the rest of your classmates,” I said firmly. What made her think she was so special?

She extended a hand; it looked to be quite shaky. “My name is Casey. I don’t think you understand. I think you telling your story will help a lot of people-”

“Can you please cut it out with this fake-worship-the-professor act? It is pretty insulting to me that you think you can march up here and demand a ‘story telling’... I can’t even be sure you’re serious right now.”

Why did I act this way? Why did I doubt everyone that ever believed in me, to the point of pushing them away? I didn’t want that; as soon as the words came out I regretted them, and I felt embarrassed. Casey was young and impressionable. She was a new student, eager to learn- that’s all. Why on Earth would I doubt that?

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly, “I didn’t mean to sound so rude. I think it’s great you’re taking such an interest… but really, it’s easier if I just tell the story all at once on Friday. Can you wait like everyone else?”

Casey was upset; that much was obvious now. Her green eyes looked glazed over, almost as if she were on the verge of tears. She didn’t say any more; she turned quickly on her heel and speed-walked out of the classroom.

Okay, so we’d both overreacted- maybe that was normal for us. It was normal for me, anyways- I had a tendency to make everything a bigger deal than it was. Of course, I’d gotten better at that over the years, but it would always be a part of me. I think some of it had to do with the fact that I second guessed everything, automatically in my mind. I guess I couldn’t blame Casey for reacting the way she did- I had been pretty rude to her. Now she’d probably meet up with her friends and they’ll talk about what a dick I am.

I sighed, zipped up my laptop bag and headed for the door, being careful to keep a distance in case I saw Casey again. She probably wouldn’t appreciate that. God, how did I always manage to ruin everything?

***

When Friday rolled around, the hundreds of cookie-cutter students poured into the lecture hall, blurring into one big lump that stared straight at me with innocence and curiosity. This class was far more eager than any of my classes in previous years; perhaps it was just luck. But to my disappointment, when the clock hit exactly ten o'clock, Casey was nowhere to be found.

I hung around the front of the class, awkwardly delaying my start in case she decided to show up a little late. She didn’t. Well then, she mustn’t have been that excited to hear my life story. I rolled up the sleeves of my dress shirt and started up the PowerPoint. Lecture first, story time later. Maybe Casey would rush into the hall in a flurry, books spilling out of her arms, face flushed and out of breath, and maybe she would later tell me “I’m so sorry, Mr. Taylor, I missed the bus!”

But she didn’t. And for some odd reason that I couldn’t figure out- maybe I had some sort of psychic powers, as much as I didn’t believe in that shit- I had a really bad feeling in my gut. Of course, we had only shared one lecture together- maybe Casey was just pretending to be an Eager Beaver and she was secretly hating every moment, and so she dropped out of the class? Well, I guess she would have to drop out of the entire program, since this course isn’t exactly optional. But something told me she wasn’t feigning her curiosity that day- it was still clear in my mind, the way she teared up and fled when I upset her, and the way she seemed to lean in more when I announced to the class I would be sharing some personal details about my life.

Could I really trust my mind, though? I did have a tendency to overthink things. Maybe she was just sick. People do get sick. All of these troubling thoughts raced through my mind while I tried to teach the lesson. I must not have sounded as passionate as the week prior, because my students were quickly losing interest.

“Okay,” I said loudly, stopping the current slide, “what is going on here? It doesn’t seem that anybody is listening.”

Students were whispering, looking down at their laps, and fidgeting. It was almost like a room full of entirely different people. One girl, who I do remember from last week because she had been sitting next to Casey, raised her hand.

“Um, Mr. Taylor… we’re all a little bit distracted right now, given the news.”

News? What news? I looked around me, perplexed. I guess a lot of the school gossip went over the professor’s heads. Whatever- it didn’t really bother me; most of them were an entirely different generation, anyways, so of course they didn’t want to stand around and share intimate details with me.

“Care to share what that news might be?” I asked, feeling slightly self conscious because I appeared to be the only one in the room who didn’t know.

The girl looked at her friend beside her and they exchanged a sad look. Then, she said, “Our classmate tried to commit suicide last night. She’s in the hospital.”

I felt my heart sink in my chest, and my stomach did a backflip. I thought I might be sick. It had to be Casey, right? I tugged at the collar of my shirt; I was beginning to sweat.

“Oh… um… oh dear. Excuse me, does anybody have the name of this classmate?”

Maybe it was an inappropriate question; I wasn’t really sure. But I just had to know, and I didn’t really care if people thought I was being inappropriate or desperate. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach; this was bad. Really, really bad.

The girl, who was now crying quite visibly, couldn’t look up at me to meet my eyes. “It’s… Casey. Casey Peters, I don’t know if you know her. She’s one of my best friends.”

My fears had been correct. It was Casey. She was laying in a hospital bed somewhere, probably feeling really bad. My heart was racing, and so was my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder- could I have done something to prevent it? If only I’d been nicer…

God, I felt like absolute shit. How could I have talked to a student like that? And not to mention a student that had clearly been going through so much… all the warning signs had gone right over my head. I’m a psychology professor; I should be the expert at understanding human behaviours and thought processes. But then another thought occurred to me- perhaps she hadn’t been showing any of those signs. Perhaps she had kept it well-hidden for a reason. It hurt me to think that maybe, just maybe, she had been in pain for so long, she felt the best way to deal with it would be to conceal it, act like everything's okay, and not bother anybody anymore. What if her wanting to hear my story was like a final cry for help? How could I have missed that?

“Mr. Taylor, are you alright?” one student, a young man probably in his mid twenties, called out with concern.

My face must have looked pretty terrifying, because all the students were watching me with worried eyes. I don’t know how long I was out of it, lost in my thoughts wondering how I messed up so badly. When I finally snapped out of it, I knew I had to escape. The room was suffocating me.

“You can read the slides online,” I managed to say, gathering my things and rushing out of the lecture hall in panic.

I took a seat on a nearby bench, trying to focus on my breathing. But it was incredibly difficult to remain calm- swarms of students were bustling by, silently judging me and getting into my personal space bubble. And out of the thousands of people that attended this university, one person in this gigantic student body had the ability to shake me to my core… one person that I hardly knew possessed the capacity to make me question everything.

After a few minutes of unsuccessful mindfulness exercises, I got up and speed-walked to the Dean’s office, where the short man in his late fifties sat at his desk sipping a coffee, pretending to be very busy. I stood in the doorway, breathing heavily from all the commotion, and he looked at me with wide eyes.

“Isaac Taylor,” he said, “what can I do for you? You look… out of sorts.”

“That’s an understatement,” I said. “Look, Michael… I need you to tell me if you know anything about what’s going on with Casey Peters. I am sure you’ve heard about her… recent struggles?”

Michael sighed and looked down at his desk sadly. “Ah, yes… I can’t say I have met the young lady, but I have heard some of your fellow psych professors chatting about her. A few days prior to her attempting… suicide, the professors were discussing how well she was already doing in her classes. Her very first quizzes she was getting perfects on, easily. A bright young lady, for sure.”

When Michael said the word suicide, he had to pause before he used it… and when he said it, it seemed a struggle- like pulling teeth. Like the word was far too embarrassing, or dark, or upsetting. I guess it was one of those “loaded” words that people can’t seem to spit out, like rape, or gay or depressed. Things that people didn’t talk often enough about. Well, look what happens when you don’t.

“No, I… I mean, yes, she does seem very bright. But what I need to know is, what hospital is she staying at? Is she still there? Can I go see her? I’m very worried that I upset her, and I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

“Isaac, relax,” Michael said to me, which did absolutely nothing to relax me. “Casey is fine. Her suicide attempt was unsuccessful. She is being cared for.”

“Yes, but it shouldn’t have gotten to that point at all!” I yelled, beyond frustrated. I stepped forward; I could feel beads of sweat rolling down my forehead. “Listen, you need to tell me whereabouts she is so that I can pay her a visit. It’s very important to me.”

I suppose I looked pretty serious, because Michael hurriedly gave me the address, and before I knew it I was fleeing the campus on my way to see Casey. I was so anxious I don’t even recall the car ride over- just one giant blur; I may as well have been driving in the rain with broken windshield wipers. I couldn’t decide whether it was my greatest weakness or my greatest strength that I cared so fucking much.

Casey was laying in her hospital bed, pale-faced and eyes glazed over with what I imagined was great sadness. Her fiery red hair was a mess, it looked in dire need of brushing, and her shoulders were slouched. She looked exhausted. For what seemed to be the longest time, I watched her in the doorway, frozen, unable to figure out what to do or say next. How could I possibly say anything that would make her feel better? I couldn’t. I was no miracle worker, just an amateur psychology professor with apparently no ability to use that psychology knowledge in real life.

“Come in,” she said weakly.

I hated hospitals. Well, who liked them? I guess what I’m saying is, I really hated them. I almost had a fear of them- just visiting a hospital or even going to a doctor’s appointment made me sick to my stomach and lightheaded. But I had to be strong for Casey- I couldn’t be fainting now. I stepped into the room, and the robotic beep of the machines had me feeling woozy.

“I am so, so sorry,” was what I finally said to her.

“Why?” Casey asked me, looking at me with genuine curiosity.

“I’m sorry I didn’t sit down to talk with you, and I’m sorry that I got frustrated and snapped at you. I should have been more sensitive. So… I’m sorry.”

Casey shrugged. “I took a bottle of pills. I freaked out. I decided to throw them up… I felt like I was making a mistake. None of this is your fault, or anybody else’s. Please don’t feel bad.”

“It’s kind of hard not to,” I said. “Casey, I’m really worried about you. Do you have family you can talk to about what you’re going through? Friends? Someone…”

“I am fine, Mr. Taylor,” she snapped. “Seriously. I… think this was my wake-up call. I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. So I have to figure out how to make the pain stop without dying. I’m going to get help here.”

I watched her, trying to figure out her eye movements and her facial expression, but then I stopped myself and just tried to focus on the conversation at hand. I tried to listen.

“That’s good you’re going to get help now,” I said. “I want you to know that anytime you need someone to talk to, my door is always open, okay? And I don’t know if it’ll help or not, but you can most certainly hear my story anytime you’d like.”

Casey smiled faintly. “You know how you said October of 2010 was the worst you’ve ever been? Well, last night was the worst I’d ever been. But I think that’s what it took for me to open up my eyes.”

End