the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

Master Chef SR Idia Edition “Apprentice Chef” / Personal Card Story Part 1

~Let's make stuffed peppers 1~

[WARNING: Mentions of skipping meals. I placed an * before the line in case you are uncomfortable with the topic, but still want to read the story.]

Kitchen

Chef Ghost: Well, I'll ask you to make stuffed peppers immediately, but... Idia-kun, have you ever cooked before?

Idia: Eh... I...... I... (whispering) I haven't..

Chef Ghost: Oho, are you nervous? This program contains stuff for beginners like you. No need to have your guard up!

Idia: Th-this is my default.....

(whispering) No, it's a bother to explain, so I'll just leave it as a misunderstanding.

Chef Ghost: Idia-kun? Would it be fine to continue on like this?

Idia: .....Yeah.

Chef Ghost: First, let's prep the bell peppers. Cut off the ends, then using your fingers, remove the seeds and the white part.

It's really sticky and difficult to remove, but if you leave it there, it will taste bad. Make sure you remove them properly.

Idia: Slicing a round bell pepper on a flat cutting board... Ughhh, it's not steady.

It isn't funny that I might get an injury because of a class I don't care about. I have to hold it tightly... And, carefully.... Carefully...

TAP!

Idia: Phew... That was nerve-wracking. So, next is removing the insides using my fingers... Ughh, I really don't like this soggy feeling...

Chef Ghost: Be gentle and careful to not damage the bell pepper. But, there's still a lot of work to do, so don't spend too long on it

Idia: Wh-which one.....!? Do I be careful or quick!? These seeds sticking to my hands... is the worst..

Chef Ghost: After removing the seeds, slice the bell peppers into 2 cm wide, round slices.

Make sure the pieces are cut evenly so that the thicknesses are not inconsistent.

Idia: If you're going to keep on pushing me like that, shouldn't you consider using a method that doesn't involve a kitchen knife!?

Chef Ghost: You don't have to think too hard about this. It's just for reference.

Idia: Ah, so it's fine as long as it's within the default range? Then, you should've said so in the first place.

Chef Ghost: Next is to make the seeds that will be stuffed inside. And then, you put the ingredients in the bowl according to the amount written on the recipe.

Idia: The items that need to be measured are... 1/4 cup of breadcrumbs, 2 tablespoons of milk, eggs, salt, and powdered pepper... “A little”?

There it is... “A little”. That unreproducible instruction that was left by the creator based on their knowledge and preferences.

It's seriously confusing. For example, if I liked pepper, I would've probably changed my mind about “a little” seasoning???

Chef Ghost: That's right~ With this recipe, I'd say to use about three shakes of the small bottle. Lightly shake your wrist, then pa-pa-pa it around.

Idia: Onomatopoeic sounds!? Eh, but with the amount of force applied when you snap it with the wrist, the differences in physique, and more would cause tons of calculation errors.

Chef Ghost: I-I never thought I would be asked so many questions.

Idia: ...Haa, well, never mind. It would be a hassle to deal with this any longer, so I'll just shake it to whatever I like.

Chef Ghost: But still, you sure pay attention to even the smallest details. Are you getting a little more interested in cooking?

* Idia: No......? Eh, how did that happened...?

In.... In the first place, I really have no interest in food itself. In fact, I often forget to eat.....

Chef Ghost: Ehhh!? But your family will be worried!

Idia: Well.... What's done is done, yes.. My younger brother somehow packs way stronger stuff than those nutritional management apps.

When I decided to take this class, he told me: “I hope this would be a chance for you to get interested in cooking.”

Chef Ghost: You have a good younger brother, huh. So, how was the experience with this course?

Idia: I understood even more stuff again after actually working here. Cooking for myself is super inefficient.

It's already a lot of pain to just eat, but if you cook for yourself, you won't have enough time to do it, and nothing beats a completely nutritional diet.

Chef Ghost: M-Master Chef is backfiring!? But, you see, cooking appliances have evolved quite a lot these days!

There are even pots that automatically cook the food for you if you put the necessary ingredients and seasonings in it!

Idia: Eh..... With a convenient pot like that, wouldn't it be unnecessary to learn how to cook from scratch?

Chef Ghost: No, no, you would still have to do the work of cutting the ingredients and measuring the seasoning by yourself.

Idia: Why is that part still an analog!? You can do better with home appliances!

Chef Ghost: Really? I think it's pretty amazing.

Idia: If it's called “automatic cooking”, I'd like it to at least do the food prep and measurements of the seasoning.

Something like just putting the ingredients in the pot, covering it with a lid, waiting for a while, then serving it on a plate.

Chef Ghost: If such a pot really existed, we might lose our jobs.

Idia: If I were to hypothetically make an “Idia Shroud-style cooking machine”..... I'll definitely quantify the “a little” term first.

And to do that, we would need to collect data based on the actual cooking process.

If I'm going to make it, I want to replicate a taste made by a pro.

Chef, I'm going to collect data for the production of the cooking machine, can I leave the actual work to you?

Chef Ghost: No, of course not! It's fine that you're motivated now, but make sure you finish it properly by yourself until the end!

TO BE CONTINUED...

translation note:

i used 'bell peppers' instead of 'paprika', which is written in the original text, because it パプリカ is used for both the fruit and the spice. here, they are using the fruit instead.

don't know if you're taking a break on this blog, but your posts have helped me a lot and there is – ironically, i am sure some would say – something comforting in your writing and in the ways you express yourself. you have mentioned multiple times about your decision to remove from your life women who do not add anything to it. my question is: regarding relationships with women (platonic or not), how do you deal with loneliness?

i have always been a very introverted person, partially because i always knew there was something wrong with this world, even before i could name it. the more i grow, though, and the more i learn, my loneliness grows with me. it really does feel sometimes like we're the only ones in the fucking planet. the chances of us meeting one another are almost insignificant. i always knew men were empty but now i have to admit to myself that also every woman i know, see and talk to is a walking corpse. i am not interested in romance (i am a lesbian but too fucked up about sex itself and its implications), but part of me still wants friendship, in a way that my younger self did not.

is this also a thing you feel, from time to time? something you have encountered before?

As always, I am happy to know that my writing is helpful or even comforting in some way :) I know that these are some heavy topics I talk about on my blog and proving that they are not necessarily hopeless is what I care about. I am not on a break right now and I have actually been writing a lot lately, it's just that none of it is enough to wrap up even a single answer and I have been very frustrated by that. I'm still working on answering the messages in my inbox, even if it is something that was sent to me months ago, so please be patient with me.

Regarding loneliness, the truth would be that I'm a very solitary person and I tolerate loneliness or even isolation extremely well, to the point where I'm hesitant to give advice on how to deal with it to someone who is only slightly more sociable. I would be lying if I said that coming to certain realizations about women did not make me feel alienated at first because it did, and I used to be heavily bothered by the fact that the number of women who I had the potential to get along with was much smaller than I had anticipated, but ultimately I felt great relief after allowing myself to recognize that most women were harmful for me to be around and that I no longer had to pressure myself into socializing with them. The more pressing issue I was dealing with at the time was a "certain" ideology making me feel like I was stuck up or bigoted for wanting to distance myself from something that was clearly damaging to me, especially anything that involved obvious abuse and coercion. "Stuck up" for maintaining boundaries, figure that... Shutting down this line of thought alone was enough for me to start getting better and to move on to building connections that were actually productive for me.

I think that dealing with loneliness starts with discerning whether it is a temporary thing for you or a personal quality. You already mention being introverted, but I would take it even further and really allow myself to consider that it could be a genuine preference. Being confident in your introversion is a big deal because I know how unwell the world can make you feel for not being outgoing and how much people pathologize it! I myself used to wonder if my reclusiveness was some kind of trauma response that would go away once I met the right company and was more at peace with myself, which made me feel and act desperate when I look back at it. Nowadays I get a lot of positive interactions on here and I am on much better terms even with people in real life because I no longer get as frustrated by their worldview, but I still find myself in my own company more often than not because not being overtly social is where I am at my best.

With that said, I would not be where I'm at without my current friend circle and I genuinely attribute my mental stability to the friends I've made over the past year. I used to feel extremely unheard and alienated due to my fringe worldview and, having met like-minded people, this kind of isolation is just not something I struggle with anymore. To answer your actual question, I resolved my loneliness by making friends online and by recognizing that my social needs are met through less outgoing activities, like playing multiplayer games or curating an online blog; I was not going to figure this out without acknowledging that I am as reserved as I have always thought myself to be first, which is why I mention making peace with your introversion in the previous paragraph. Even if you end up being discontent with anything other than a long-term real-life friendship, talking to people online is still a good starting point that will give you a general idea for what it is like to be around someone with a similar outlook. I did feel infinitely better after connecting with like-minded women on social media (actually messaging them and interacting with their posts, not just reading or liking them) and it is one thing I recommend doing.

How weak or strong your sense of isolation is really depends on how far you are into coming to terms with the reality of this world's dynamics and there is a very high chance that you will be inconsolable at first, even with the right people in your life. I remember feeling down well into newfound friendships simply because such a major worldview shift was a lot to take in and I suggest not giving up on building connections with people even if it feels like nothing is working out for you. All in all, I choose to build friendships with like-minded women on the internet while maintaining more impersonal contact (professional or otherwise) in real life and I prefer to keep it that way.

I am so incredibly on deadline, but man. I cannot stop thinking about the way I cried so hard I made myself sick when DC announced the New 52 and the erasure of Oracle. She was the only one I had. The only goddamn one.

Comics had been important to me up until that point, and so had the fandom. I'd put in my time just like any other young nerd, and I loved those characters just like anyone else. And I'd put up with... god, I'd put up with a lot. The thinkpieces about how Oracle's sheer continued existence was sexist. (Because no one would let a male superhero stay "broken".) The fans telling me that a disabled superhero was outside the realm of believability, but I guess all the flying aliens were fine. The deep inaccessibility of the events themselves.

Like... I remember the first time I went to a comic book convention. It was NYCC -- a big one, though a lot less big than it's become. I was so excited to have Gail Simone sign my copy of Birds of Prey. I was even cosplaying Oracle in my wheelchair. And... she had to come out of the booth to sign it. The booth itself was completely inaccessible.

(Ah, yes, the double whammy of thick-ass carpeting and super-high tables. Tale as old as time. 🙃)

And then DC announced that Babs would no longer be disabled going forward. And when a Birds of Prey movie eventually came out, a thing that would have made me cry with happiness back when I was 10 years old and getting CT scans, 15 and going to physical therapy, 18 and just learning how to use my cane for the first time -- when that movie finally came out, Oracle, the disabled heroine who had started the team and been its leader for over a decade, had been completely excised from the plot.

Do you know what that feels like? To have the only person who looks like you removed from continuity -- and to have most people in the community you grew up in, the community you loved, act like that was a good thing? Do you know what that does to you, when you've already been internalizing messages your entire life about how no one wants to see disabled people, no one wants to hear us, no one wants to be around us, no one wants to love us?

Like... we're the possibility that keeps people up at night. But that's my life. That's always been my fucking life, and it always will be. It's not a scary what-if, it's a what-is, and I don't have the privilege to ignore the possibility of it just because it's sad and scary and unpleasant.

And people were telling me that people like me had no place in fun or in heroism or in the kind of fantasy escapism that everyone else gets every fucking day. I don't get to see people like me being strong in movies. I don't get to see people like me being protagonists. I certainly don't get to see people like me being loved. And like. God, that really fucks you up!

And then you have one fucking character, and they're not only taken away from you -- they're announced to be gone in a "phew, glad that's over!" kind of way. And everyone is so fucking glad that they get the "real" Barbara back. The strong one. The sexy one. The heroic one. The one who can walk.

Fuck the Barbara who can walk! She was strong and sexy and heroic when she used a wheelchair, and she meant everything to me because I didn't have anyone else. And when she was taken away from me, all I was left with was a fandom saying she was better this way. That no one wanted a broken cape anyway.

I'll tell you, I was right back in that booth that I couldn't enter because no one had considered that a real wheelchair user might want to be a part of things. I was right back to feeling like everyone would be happier if people like me just went away forever.

God, that fucking sucked.

I know that Barbara Gordon is more marketable when she's able-bodied. Media still doesn't really know what to do with a female character who isn't traditionally sexy. There's a reason why the only other famous wheelchair user in comics is an old-ass man. (Who gets up and walks all the time using his mind powers anyway.) And god knows that female wheelchair users rarely get to be thought of as traditionally sexy.

And like... I know. I know that no one's out here buying the doll in the wheelchair. No one's buying the action figure with wheels. I know people don't want characters like me.

Of course I know that.

But god. God, she was so important to me. Even if able-bodied people didn't get it, she was so fucking important to me. She made me feel like I could do anything. More importantly, she made me feel like it was okay when I couldn't do things. She made me feel like I could be important to people even when I couldn't do all the same things they could.

Fuck.

I do actually agree that The Killing Joke was sexist and that it never should have been canon. But I was 21 when Oracle was "fixed", and she'd been disabled since before I was born. Regardless of how it happened, it was an extremely established character trait. And there was no reason why they couldn't have just changed how she became disabled when they rebooted the universe. Why not just have her get hurt while she was saving someone? Or maybe give her some kind of congenital illness that didn't prevent her from wanting to save people?

But no! They took the worst of both worlds! They kept TKJ canon and they healed her! They just gave her PTSD over it. Fucking christ. Way to blow your cover. This was never about misogyny or the sexy victimization of female characters. This was about getting rid of the icky wheelchair and making a legacy character hot and marketable again.

Like I guess I never will be.

I still feel weird and unwanted whenever I think about it, honestly. Some of the conversations I had with other fans in that period will haunt me forever. Hell, some of the conversations I had with DC writers back then still kind of fuck me up.

When the Birds of Prey movie came out, they really talked up how diverse it was in interviews. And as a queer disabled woman, I really came to realize which diverse parts of me were still too fucking diverse. And when I read Harvey Guillén's statements about how important Blue Beetle will be, about how the script made him feel so seen, I'm happy for him. I'm happy for all the kids who will finally see faces and families and upbringings just like theirs when they watch that movie.

Because I know he's right. It's so important to see people like you. To see the possibility of a happy ending for someone like you because you've seen it modeled on the big screen in front of you.

I know he's right because I know how it felt when that was taken away, and fuck. It still hurts. I'm 32 now and it still fucking hurts. I'm shaking thinking about it, a little bit. That sounds dumb, but it's true.

When I think about how many years of my life I wasted feeling broken and useless and unlovable. When I think about how I felt ashamed to exist in public because I'd been told just how little people wanted to see me. When I think about how -- I mean, it's still a reflexive action in me. To make myself smaller, more invisible, to tell myself I can't expect people to slow down their lives to make room for a person like me. I actively work against it every day, but it's a thought process that never really goes away.

Because it didn't come from nowhere.

I don't know. I don't know. I probably am going to go see Blue Beetle. It'll be the first time I've given DC money in over ten years. But... I do want people to see people like themselves onscreen. I do want to encourage diversity. I do want to prevent anyone from feeling the way I did when they made Barbara Gordon get up and walk.

I just wish I could still feel the way I did when she didn't. Like there was the potential for something super in me, too.

Ugh. Fucking DC. I don't miss you! You still suck.

My Thoughts on Mean Girls the Movie MUSICAL

(Taking a quick break from my usual postings to go back to talk a little bit about one of my other interests...musicals!)

I just wanna share some of my thoughts about the new Mean Girls movie, so I hesitate to really call this a review or a critique. First and foremost, gosh its marketing. Don't even get me started. I have so many questions, but that is not what I want to really focus on. I just needed to get it out of my system. Now, let's begin!

I consider myself a fan of the Broadway musical. Probably not to the extent where I would consider myself its #1 fan, but I did follow its journey to Broadway and any announcements that came during its initial run and tour. I have yet to have the pleasure of watching it live (only through a slime tutorial on YT). So, for someone like me who has listened to the cast recording and watched any live performances by the any of the Bway or touring casts countless time, I can at at least appreciate that this movie exists to deliver the musical aspect to a larger audience.

Jaquel, Auli'i, and Renee (maybe in that order?) are the standouts to me. I absolutely loved Jaquel and Auli'i as Damian and Janis. I honestly think I have nothing but good things to say about their performances and portrayals. And again, from hearing and seeing clips of Renee in the Broadway cast, I was so happy to hear she was cast as Regina George in this adaptation. If you haven't already listened to the movie's soundtrack, most of the songs from the musical were adapted to fit more of a pop vibe than the original Broadway style. While I am happy to have like an official version of Renee singing Regina's song, I felt like her voice was toned down a bit to fit this iteration of the music. Don't get me wrong, she still sounds amazing but I didn't feel like she was able to truly show off her musical theatre chops.

Also, on the subject of the soundtrack, I listened to it before seeing the movie. And can I say, watching it really makes a big difference. I had a lot of thoughts about "Fearless" and "Stop" being cut. But, it kinda makes sense since those are the Act 1 closing and Act 2 opening songs, which in a movie, is not going to have that break, or intermission. In this still being an adaptation of Mean Girls, you have the scene where Cady tells Regina she can no longer sit with the Plastics and is subsequently shunned from the rest of the cafeteria. It's there, there's just no song to accompany it. But, it did feel like the right call since I think that part of the movie would've started dragging if those songs were both kept in.

"Where Do You Belong" is another song that was cut that I have mixed feelings about. I am still a little sad that it was cut, and I don't think it would've slowed down the pacing that much if left in. After watching the movie, while I can't say it was the right move to cut this song, it definitely didn't feel like there was something missing in this part of the scene. Now, this song leads into "Meet the Plastics" in the musical, which was significantly trimmed down for the film. It's kinda funny to me that the title is still plural when it's only Regina's part. In having this be the third song in the movie, and really the first one after the opening, there is a bit of power that inherently(?) comes with it in having Regina's entrance announced through song.

As I've seen others point out, two of Damian's songs were cut. So, I am really happy that they turned "Apex Predator" into a duet between Janis and him (rather than Cady and Janis). This is a change or perhaps addition that I really enjoyed. In the movie, this scene/song still takes place at Northshore High (with any mall scene being completely removed). Going along with the lyrics, the choreography resembles the musical in more ways than others, with the students acting like different animals. And it works but also it doesn't. The choreography definitely fits the lyrics. But that comparison between students as animals and high school as a savannah that is set up in "It Roars" does not happen because "What ifs" replaced "It Roars." As a result it feels a little weird (I hesitate to throw out the word cringey, but maybe a little bit). I'm familiar enough with the musical that I could tell they were definitely pulling from that number as it appears in the musical, but if I was not, I don't really know how I would feel.

The last song I'm gonna talk about is "What Ifs" replacing "It Roars." For the slight story adjustments that were made as to why Cady and her mom return to the US, the new song definitely works. It sets up Cady wanting to explore "normal" high school or teen life the same way "It Roars" does, but it supports the detail of Cady talking with her mom at some point about what she feels she is missing out on because they are in Africa (from what I could gather, the decision to move back to the US is much more driven by character interest or desire, rather than cut funding and becoming the only option). The vibe or style of this song also works well amongst the rest of the soundtrack, especially since I can't imagine "It Roars" translating that well into this new style.

For some smaller details that I really enjoyed, I really liked how (if I'm remembering correctly) when Karen is first introduced, she's wearing a necklace that has her name on it, but she's wearing it backwards (leaning into that "she is the dumbest person you will ever meet"). It was shown in a trailer or an ad, but during "Revenge Party," there is the section where Janis, Damian, and Cady try to embarrass Regina by turning on a sprinkler that will hit her (and ruin her makeup). I like how we see Ashley Park's character, the French teacher, try to mimic the "wet look" since it almost feels like an homage to her playing Gretchen in the musical, who is always described as trying to please or be just like Regina.

Everyone has their own opinions, so I can't say with confidence oh this type of person will love it or this type of person will hate it. But, I can say as someone who loves the musical, I really enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun and was generally smiling throughout the whole thing since in a way, this is the closest I've come to (and may come to) seeing the Mean Girls musical adaptation. Even then, this movie felt like it was trying to do its own take on Mean Girls and Mean Girls the Musical, and I'll give the directors and creatives credit, some of it really worked (and some didn't). I wanted to see this movie, but I was unsure how to feel going into it since I couldn't tell if it was going to be bad or decently/surprisingly good. And after watching it, my initial reaction is to lean more towards the surprisingly good, which makes me happy.

Go see it for yourself though and be your own judge! These are just some of my thoughts. Feel free to comment or share yours! Or ask me about any of my other thoughts about the film.

-Dakota Wren

I’ve decided to use this partially as something to get something off my chest, because for some reason it won’t climb off. I really need some advice.

About a year or so ago, there was an incident involving a friend of mine and myself. I’ll call this person Garret. Garret and I were at a friend’s (calling them Jamie) 17th birthday party. We had been friends for a long time, since primary school, and had recently reconnected after time apart due to myself moving house and schools. So, it was myself, Garret and Jamie, roleplaying together like old times. It was good. For context, I had been roleplaying separately with Garret for several years prior, and we had come to get to know each-other’s characters rather well. However, I always felt an odd dependence in our relationship, which was validated one day when Garret randomly blocked Jamie and I in a discord server we shared. When I tried to contact Garret through their phone number, they confessed that they were in love with me and had been for a very long time. At the time, I was in a relationship that I had been in for 2 years prior to this message, with a person I am still very much in love with, so the message hit me as quite a shock. Nonetheless, I tried to be as understanding as I could. We talked, and Garret later revealed that some of the ways in which I described certain aspects of my character’s deeds were too graphic and made them deeply uncomfortable (I am a horror writer at heart). I understood this and apologised for upsetting them, we set boundaries and moved on. However, not without an air of confusion between us, and a degree of discomfort on my part. Over the next few months (for which Garret was in a relationship) Garret began discussing the idea of polyamory and platonic friendships with me. I should have told them to speak to their partner rather than asking me, but I was 16 and very naive. Back to the birthday party. It was myself, Garret and Jamie in their caravan, drinking, being silly and roleplaying. This is a good time to mention that Jamie unfortunately was pushed to the side in a lot of our role plays due to the fact Garret and I role played separately and tended to have lengthier answers than that which Jamie liked to write. For the first couple hours, things were going really well. However, after involving a plot in which my character died on the shoulder of Garret’s character and was miraculously revived, I realised I was no longer comfortable and tried to remove myself from the situation discreetly by checking my phone, so as to not make either Jamie or Garret uncomfortable. It was Jamie’s 17th after all. My partner was anxious about me being so far away, so I was texting them. Meanwhile, Garret was eager to get back to a plot, which I understood, but tried to reaffirm to them that they had their own partner so they should understand why I was texting mine (not in those specific terms, but rather more a nudge). I do not believe Garret is a bad person, however they did not ask for my consent for what is to follow. The next scene they wanted to do involved their character turning into a dog and whimpering in pain, and required me to scratch their hair. (Important to note here that Garret LOVED touching my hair and would often be quite touchy with me in public, which seemed innocent enough until their confession). They did not ask for my consent in any of these occasions, as far as I remember. This was a year ago, but I remember these instances being quite sudden. This scene involving Garret the dog made me extremely uncomfortable, to the point where I couldn’t move. However, I said nothing. I didn’t want to upset Jamie and ruin the night for Garret, so I played along. The next morning, Garret joked about how in the night I had apparently cuddled up to them in my sleep. Considering everything, I went into a trauma response (I am an SA survivor and was SA’d in my sleep as a child so the mentioning of this was VERY triggering for me.) I discussed my discomforts with Jamie after Garret had been picked up (I have been friends with Jamie since I was 2, whereas I had been friends with Garret since I was 12), and Jamie urged me to discuss things with them. I did.

It was a normal conversation, and I asked if we could not do that again because it made me uncomfortable. I have since deleted all the screenshots unfortunately, all I have is my word, however I would say this went well. After telling my partner about what happened, they were furious and wanted to meet Garret, so I added them to a server under the guise of us roleplaying all four of us (myself, Jamie, Garret, and my partner who I’ll call Lucian). The server was silent. Then, when I asked if anyone wanted to roleplay, after many ‘college is hard and I’m busy’ comments, the flood gates opened and Jamie and Garret went into a full war. There had always been conflict between the two, and I admit, there were some things that Garret raised against Jamie that I had to agree with, but in the end I chose Jamie over Garret as my friend, because they have been for me through thick and thin. I also later discovered that Garret had been being odd towards his at the time partner who i’ll call Bea. They broke up, as per Garret’s request. After this, I lost my shit. All that pain and confusion and anger came spilling out in a very ugly way. Garret blocked me again on discord, so I texted their number to ask what was happening, to which they blocked me again (a year ago, can’t remember exactly, but I suspect this is the case). I then found them on Tumblr. They blocked me before I could have my say in the argument, and I was furious. So, we argued, and they later blocked me, after blaming me for their suicidal thoughts and intent to hurt themselves (I am also a suicide survivor). This was the end of it for a while. I still don’t understand how it escalated from us sorting the problem to resolving it. A year later, I saw Garret in a hot chocolate shop in the city near where I used to live. They entered after me, and upon seeing me, immediately left. I sent them a message (on my new tumblr account) to apologise for making them uncomfortable and that I was now out of the shop if they wanted to go and get one. They then called me a variety of horrible names, blamed me for all of their trauma, and compared me to Mr. Hyde from Jekyll and Hyde. They also said I was cruel even as a child and that they were a fool for ever trusting me because myself and Jamie are just as bad as each-other and are both horrible people. I was shocked by this. I did not wish to be made into a punching bag, however I also did not want to escalate the situation. I appreciate the friendship we had, and while I understand it had to end, I do not believe I am an evil person. I tried to explain I would be in the city (which has quite a small city centre) A LOT over the next few weeks so they should be prepared to see me. I also told them that if it was triggering for them to see me, that I would be in a set of specific locations on specific days, and thus to avoid those locations if they did not want to see me. More horrible names, more comments about me being an abuser and a manipulator. I didn’t want to upset them, I just wanted to be helpful and prevent further upset. I understand perhaps I was the fool in that situation. After discussing this with Bea however, with whom I have found a strong friendship, apparently this was not out of character for Garret, and they often showed this behaviour in their relationship. I understand love is a hard thing to deal with, but I still don’t understand. I know I should have set boundaries, and regret not doing so, but I had never expected them to not ask for consent and brag about the unconscious returning of their affections, which I was deeply uncomfortable with, especially when they knew I was in a committed relationship.

I can’t help feeling as though I can’t now move on, and am weighed down significantly by this (this is not to say I deny that Garret went through a hard time, I believe they did). I understand I wasn’t perfect and could have dealt with things better and more logically but I was distraught and dealing with my hog of fair other things at the time. This is not to say I have not apologised for where I went wrong, I have. However they have yet to apologise for what they did. Am I wrong for wanting them to apologise? How do I move on from this?

#about me

Tagged by @coping-via-clint-eastwood. (Fun! Thank you!)

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?

Miss (Ms.) Scarlet or Mrs. (Ms.) Peacock (depending on whether a red or blue dress is fitting best), with the candlestick (candlestick as prop), in the library (book as prop). (If the party’s really dull, the second prop comes in handy!

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

Charcoal would be great if available. I don’t eat red meat, so it will have to be a chicken/turkey burger, a fish burger, or a veggie burger. Ideal burger toppings may include: cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, pickles, sautéed mushrooms, aioli, French’s mustard, relish.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

What’s next?

4. It's your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

Trying to work up the energy to do whatever I planned to be doing.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

Junior Mints or Glosette raisins.

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?

Ads.

7. What do you think Captain Hook's name was before he had a hook for a hand?

James.

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?

Scissors?

9. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?

This is Tumblr, so I’m just going to move straight to applying this to the fandom context. In that case, it was roughly a decade for our two lovely science nerds. 🐝🦋💕

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

Too loud.

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

Kindness. (Agreed.)

I will also second @figsr’s answer: understanding.

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

Maybe gum balls? Or I could go for a jaw breaker.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?

Probably the mountains, though they’re not technically in the city. As part of the city itself, there’s a very large park with a lot of trees and a lot of water around it. It’s very nice.

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

General business affairs? Golf maybe? My parents discussing mulch over Mother’s Day tea?

15. How many times did it take you to pass your driver's test?

One.

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?

Hot fudge, baby.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?

On the one hand, cheese. But, on the other hand, cheese is often how I convince myself to eat healthy foods…. (Salad? Add cheese! Roasted veggies? Add cheese!)

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

I hate risk and I’ve been given no odds, so right now I’m sticking with what I’ve got. (“Hey, maybe this envelope has more” does not sound very promising.)

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: TV, or internet?

Assuming my devices can still access streaming, iTunes, etc., then definitely I would give up my TV.

20. Who is your dream girl or boy from movies/TV?

First things first: I really love love. I would say I’m a romantic; F. Scott—if he were alive and we were personally acquainted—would say I’m sentimental, because I always want happy endings.

So I love Gil Grissom, but I love him for Sara Sidle. I love both characters individually, but I love their love story (their love for each other) more. Similarly, I love Josh Lyman for Donna Moss, Logan Echolls for Veronica Mars (though, four years later, I’m still not ready to talk about that one), Ben Wyatt for Leslie Knope, Seth Cohen for Summer Roberts, and so on.

I think one of the only characters I’ve ever loved really primarily for myself has been Dr. John Carter (although I also liked him with Lucy 😭). I’m also fond of Dr. Spencer Reid. Oh, and… uh… I would totally go for some conjugal visits with Jakes Bridges. 🔥🔥🔥

Mostly, though, if I’m looking to daydream for myself, I will come up with an OC who fits into my own life and shares attributes with various characters (and/or people) I like.

Of course, these days I am pretty much exclusively using Sara and Grissom as my personal imaginary Barbies, so I can push their heads together and actually make them KISS (as well as undertake other activities involving various states of undress), ffs. 💕

21. Have you ever met a celebrity?

I got my picture taken with my celebrity husband (local professional sports hero) at a restaurant once and got an autograph from him and some other players another time. (I’ve had the same celebrity husband since the ‘90s. He is currently participating in an awareness campaign on intimate partner violence, likely cementing this as a lifelong commitment. Honestly there’s nothing sexier to me than a hot man speaking in support of women’s rights.)

As for celebrities people elsewhere might know… I didn’t meet him, but Robert de Niro (he of just becoming a dad again at the age of 79 fame) kind of looked over at me and my mom when he walked past us in an otherwise empty inner courtyard in his NYC hotel. Also, I again didn’t meet him, but my mom talked to Matt Bomer in NYC when he was filming Suits and brought me a note from him. Oh, plus I once rode a hotel elevator with Scott Speedman and his dog. I ate dinner on a patio near Sara Chalke. I once saw Robert Carlyle in the grocery-store checkout, and I’m convinced I walked past Jason Lee in a clothing store. I was on a plane from NYC with Ally Sheedy. But actually met? I don’t really think so.

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

My Little Pony, I think (I hope!). (I’m talking good, ‘80s Ponies here.) Maybe Care Bears? I’m certain it was pink. 🦄🦄🦄

If you feel inclined to participate, please consider yourself tagged!

Hey hi hello, I updated my commission prices and there's more options

So idk life update? I'm gonna get my driving license next year and I still have not find a part-time job and I don't think I'm gonna be able to for a long time. I'm still determined to rent an apartment and move out of my current home but things happened (ofc, life is just shit oof) so my original plan on moving out is gonna be delayed for an indefinite amount of time.

Reblogs are appreciated

Contact me through dms

Tos below, they're roughly the same

Terms Of Service

!! Thanks for taking interest in commissioning me. Anyway, ToS time, read it or perish <3 !!

Commissions are first come, first serve. I prefer to work one by one as opposed to all at once simply because doing like that makes me lose interest really fast. I consider myself a pretty fast artist, however I don’t want to burn myself out so even if I finish one commissioned piece in three hours, I’m not gonna immediately start on the next. So please bear with me. If you want your commission to be done by a certain date then please give me the deadline.

I, as the artist-Retain full and exclusive rights to the artwork. Clients may not claim the commission work as their own. Clients can only use the commission work for personal use, NOT commercial use. HOWEVER THIS IS NEGOTIABLE!! More on this.-Have the right to decline a commission if I am uncomfortable with it.-Will not remove my watermark-Allow the client to repost the commissioned artwork to wherever they like and/or be used as a profile picture, as long as proper credit is given via a link to my Instagram and/or Tumblr account.-Do not allow my artwork to be used for hate speech and all that other bad stuff. If I find out or have been informed you have been using my artwork for anything harmful, you will be blacklisted and reported.-Do not allow any form of alterations to the completed artwork. -Do not do NFTs. Fuck offAs said before, my commissioned artwork is not for commercial use Redistribution of my artwork for use in printed merchandise or as promotion of goods, service or social media pages is prohibited.This is negotiable however. If you DO want your finished commission to be used for any commercial purposes then I highly advice you say that first when ordering from me. Negations can start from there, if I say no then I say no.

Payment

Payments are in USD. I accept Paypal.

PAYMENT UPFRONT OR 50% BEFORE STARTING THE PROJECT THEN THE OTHER 50% AFTER THE PROJECT IS COMPLETED

Refunds

NO REFUNDS

I have the right to cancel a commission without explanation. If I do have to cancel a commission due to my inability to complete it at any state, you will be given a full refund

!!I will draw -Ocs -Animals, Furries, Monsters ( depends on design ) -Gore / Pastel gore -Character pairings / Ships (if I approve) -Thirst art / Fanservice - NSFW ( contact me about this first !!CHARACTERS MUST BE 18+!!)

!!I will NOT draw -Hate art, such as sexism, racism and anti LGBTQ+ -Complicated mechas ( negotiable, depending on design ) -Heavy architectures -Heavy urban landscape -Taboo paraphilias ( ex: pedophilia, rape, incest, zoophilia etc ) -Heavy NSFW / Hardcore porn

Animation -Prices ranges depending on complexity.

-Animation takes longer than a single drawing so don’t be impatient.

-You can ask for a loop action or non-loop action.

-I typically go for a 5-6 second animation, so if you want it to be longer, please know you will be charged extra, again, how much will be depending on complexity.

-Any audio you want me to use must be provided by you.-I am currently not doing animation meme/animatic commissions, so don’t ask or try to negotiate on that

-No NSFW for this one :/ Listen I’m okay with drawing it but I have no idea how to make it MOVE!! Give me like five years-

i know i havent been checking my messages for like two weeks. dont ask me why i dont fucking know either dude. i really dont know whats wrong with me i really dont know why im like this. believe me if you think you're the only one ive ghosted recently you're not. its everyone. literally everyone. no reason whatsoever. its very easy to do when you literally have no friends that see you in real life ever and havent seen anyone more or less since december of 2021. so like. yeah. whats anyone gonna do? no ones going to come to my fucking door to see if im okay or just to break into my isolated nightmare box. no one has an interest in doing that. ive had to plead to get anyone to consider seeing me and theres really no point and its not their fault either because it is a major inconvenience because i am so so so far from anyone and its so so so much easier to just. not try to get anyone to do anything. its so much easier to exist in stasis even if it kills me. like i said no one will do anything about it. nothing will stop me from slowly destroying myself. i wont stop me either. i hate every task i have to complete and everything in my life that could break my constant nothingness despite the fact that i hate my constant nothingness at the same time. there's no way to win and theres no way out and theres no point to anything. really seriously no point. the further removed i get from everyone and everything the easier it is to fade away completely if i so choose. im basically there already. i wish i'd do something drastic to myself to make the world feel real again and to make my life feel like it has any kind of real odds to it and a selfish disgusting part of me wishes i would because of the oh so common reasoning of getting people to treat me like i have any importance instead of me always having to beg pathetically for anyone's attention in real life. i exist almost solely in my own head these days. im only able to handle fiction and i bury myself so deep in it that maybe, hopefully i can forget my life as a real person, and i can feel things even if they're for stupid imaginary reasons. its been like this for a long time but its to an extreme right now. i dont want to remember who or where i am. i dont want to be reminded i exist and the world exists around me. i dont remember what its like to have friends in my everyday life that i dont have to worry about disappointing or annoying or embarrassing. its been so long. much longer than just the time since ive moved. its been at least a few years. it seems nice, thinking back on past experiences, at different times in my life. but unfortunately it doesnt seem like i was built to maintain friendships, let alone to make them. i'm manufactured to fail or sabotage myself. i am built to be unlovable, regardless of who may like me on the internet, or like me on a shallow level otherwise. anything deeper than that has lead me to more pain and complication than if i didnt talk to anyone at all, so i guess it makes sense why i'd end up here.

my relationship is doomed and has been for a while now, and i cant make myself care that much anymore. he doesnt talk to me and i dont talk to him. he doesnt know what i do and i dont know what he's doing, other than that he has a life and people he cares about more than me on an everyday basis by a long shot. hes almost a stranger to me at this point. he wouldn't notice if i was fucking dead unless someone were to contact him about it however long after the fact. i know this because i havent spoken to him in days if not weeks and he couldnt care less. i am not a part of his life anymore and i cant help that. i've numbed myself to it for now. who knows what my mind will think of it on some other day but as it stands right now i dont know him and i cant push myself any longer to try and be a part of his life when he clearly does not care if i am or am not. he very easily can exist without me and has been doing so for quite some time. he has other people, i dont. that's just how it is. im not a good person to put faith into in a relationship in general, friendship or otherwise, because just look at me. ive ghosted everyone i know for like two weeks for no fucking reason and with no warning or explanation. i dont even know what the explanation is. i am fundamentally empty and with the bleakness of everything over the course of the last however many years i've given up hope that that emptiness will be filled in a more than superficial way. in a more than fleeting way. no one's going to do anything for me. there's no point. theres nothing in it for them. why would you go out of your way for a husk of a person who cant give you anything of value in return. whos not reliable or stable in any way shape or form. who cant function like a person no matter how many fucking antidepressants and stimulants and whatever the fuck else he takes. writing all of this i feel like a normal person would be crying. i feel like i would be crying at some point prior in my life. but i havent at all, nor have i felt any urge even close to doing so. i think that tells you how empty i am and how much i am resigned to whatever this is. i've wasted three years of my life rotting in silence and solitude, why think anything's going to change? and what's worth changing anyway? again, there's really nothing here to salvage. i wonder how much time i have left in me to just sit here and hate everything and dissociate and dissociate and dissociate because at this rate i doubt its much.

i'll go find something to distract myself with like i always do. spend my time on mundane tasks because they're reliable and take up space in my otherwise empty life. i doubt i will do anything productive that involves thought. i want to avoid everything more. i hate myself for it and i hate my life for it. i dont wish to die so much as i wish to not exist. they overlap of course but i feel the need to clarify that because its less about self loathing and more about the loathing of life as a whole, existence as a whole. it's not meant for me. i am not built to be sustainable. my head hurts.

Thess vs the Ministerial Code

So I may have indulged in a little bit of retail therapy in a bid not to blow up. Because it has been a shitty, shitty day and today’s downward spiral of the Tory government made it SO. MUCH. WORSE.

I knew it was going to be a bad day when my regular chorus of aches turned into a Epic Classic-Metal OST-style version of Ave Maria. (This does actually exist, by the way; it’s amazing what my penchant for soundtrack-style music and weird covers gets Spotify throwing at me.) It got worse when, of course, Temp decided she was going to go back to her “let’s leave all the long and fiddly dictation for someone else to do” ways - probably in preparation for what she’s going to get up to when Scruffman’s away next week. Some days I just suck it up and cope, because I’m clearly better at them than she is, but on bad days, I have problems with focus because a) fibro fog and b) not being able to think straight for the pain. I will cope with the long fiddly dictation when I have to but it enrages me when we’re having a relatively slow day and she cherry-picks all the nice easy stuff that I’d be able to cope with better on bad pain days. I’m going to have to bring this up to Scruffman again when he’s back from holiday, but I didn’t trust myself to do it today because I was going to start swearing, crying, or both.

And then, in the midst of that, while taking a microbreak after a ten-minute bit of nonsense (that got garbled because the transcription machines are garbage and the techs are not careful when using them), and I checked the news. And discovered that Johnson literally changed the ministerial code to say that breach of conduct was no longer a thing that required a minister’s resignation. So a minister can breach the code of conduct all they want and all they have to do is ‘apologise’ and maybe lose some pay, when they can let all the meaningless non-apologies they want dribble from their mouths and have more money than they need anyway.

He’s also rewritten the foreward to the code. To remove all references to honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability.

He can just ... do this. Our constitution isn’t like the US constitution. It’s not enshrined in a single document. And apparently the Prime Minister can just edit them to suit said Prime Minister’s needs at any given time. So now we have this, and people are largely at least flagging up that yes, he’s changing the code to save his own arse from being obliged to resign. Then again, we should have known this was coming when he didn’t make Priti Patel resign when she was found to be bullying her staff.

Yet again, I know that Biden’s not being all that the American people wanted him to be but for fuck’s sake, anyone but Trump. You let a Trump go unchecked, and this is what happens.

This ahead of another cabinet recess and next weekend being this fucking platinum jubilee. I don’t exactly give two shits about the monarchy and I’m not up for flag-waving jingoistic bullshit. I honestly want to see protests at each and every one of the fucking ‘galas’ being set up for next weekend. We need a lot less jingoism and a lot more pointing out that we have a fucking despot in charge. An incompetent despot, at that.

I’d leave if I could, but in the current economy, even if I could afford to get back to Canada with my stuff, I couldn’t survive. My mother wouldn’t support it (she figures this doesn’t really affect her so she’s fine, and has basically been a Johnson apologist just because she’s a true-blue Tory at heart) and I was lucky enough to get this job and be able to keep it part-time. I wouldn’t get that lucky again if I went to Canada. So I can’t afford to leave and I’m terrified of staying and I just kind of want to punch walls.

But instead, I will look at the Zen-ish video games I bought (I was pondering Tales of Arise, since it’s on sale, but I wasn’t sure enough) and consider what to order for food. My options are pretty limited, given dietary restrictions, but I’ll come up with something.

The Handy-Dandy Exo Intro and FAQ!

26. Engaged. My pronouns are uses/bathroom/standing. I am the intersection of BLM Tumblr, Christblr, and the part of Tumblr that criticizes MRAs.

Limited atonement and human sexual dimorphism are beautiful wonderful things.

Scrupulosity, touch starvation, and adolescence are figments of the psychoanalytical imagination.

I block all porn accounts I come across and unabashedly kink-shame.

My anons have anger issues.

When and why did you reject the men’s rights movement? The explanation can be found here.

Suicide-baiting is bad, m'kay? Yes, I know that now. I have apologized for the post you’re talking about, and have removed it.

Do you really think autistic people are perpetual children or think Autism Speaks is a reputable organization? Not anymore, and I haven’t in some time. I have redacted these statements publicly. However, most of my disagreements with other statements made by Temple Grandin and John Elder Robison still stand.

Are you a feminist? Depends largely on the definition. I don’t go about self-identifying as a feminist, but the fact I recognize women are vulnerable, even in rich, western countries, causes other people to see me as one. I stopped caring what people called me a while ago.

Doesn’t your refusal to call yourself a feminist make you as bad as Mpov or SirYouAreBeingMocked refusing to call themselves MRAs? It doesn’t make them “bad,” it makes them look ridiculous. The MRM is a much newer, smaller, and ideologically homogenous movement than feminism, and thus there are still major, definitive tenets it adheres to, all of which Mpov and SirYouAreBeingMocked agree with. The tenets of feminism vary widely by school of thought. I’m not even sure any feminist school of thought would want me in their ranks, while MRAs of all stripes will reblog posts from Mpov and SirYouAreBeingMocked like they’re God-breathed. They should just admit that they’re MRAs, and get on with their lives. It’s not like non-MRAs believe them when they deny being in the movement, anyway.

Do you promote feminist talking points because you think it will land you in a romantic or sexual relationship? When I began to repudiate the MRM, I was attempting to woo a libfem. It had less to do with the fact that she was a libfem, but rather she was one of the first people I met at university. She rejected me anyway, and afterwards I have only sought out women who adhered to (or whom I initially believed to adhere to) Biblical commandments on human sexuality, which exclude premarital intercourse.

Why do you police other men’s masculinity? They have a very twisted view of what it means to be a man. They think that leaving scathing reposts towards angry lesbians with stupid haircuts is a good use of their time.

What are your views on the creation/evolution debate? I’m no expert on the subject, but I no longer believe the Earth has existed for a four-digit number of years, and I have not in some time. For the record, prominent fundamentalists such as William Jennings Bryan didn’t either, and he represented the prosecution during the Monkey Trial.

What are your views on abortion? I am an abolitionist.

What’s with you and criticizing Israel/Zionism? I find myself under a religious umbrella term that includes those people who consider even the slightest questioning of modern Israel’s place in Biblical prophecy to be an unforgivable sin. Thanks, Jerry Falwell Sr!

Do you believe in replacement theology/supersessionism? These terms are meaningless neologisms invented by Christian apocalypticists in recent centuries to describe anyone who holds a different viewpoint regarding Biblical covenants. The only thing either of these terms has ever meant is “not dispensationalism.”

Why are you critical of American evangelicalism while calling yourself an evangelical in your bio? I find introspection to be valuable, and what I mainly criticize are fundamentalist, Americanist, and apocalyptic tendencies within American evangelicalism.

Which version of the Bible do you generally read? In English, I tend to use the NASB or ESV, depending on the context, as they are both devoted to accuracy in translation. Since I was able to find a bilingual Chinese-English Bible with ESV, that’s the one I use in print, while the NASB is what I use on my phone. For Chinese, I use either the CUV or RCUV (the latter I use in print).

Are you a virgin? Yes, because I fear the wrath of Almighty God. If I was an actual virgin with rage and didn’t hold the Seventh Commandment in high regard, I’d have bought a hooker by now.

Who have you voted for? I turned 18 in 2015. I didn’t vote in 2016, and I voted for Jorgensen in 2020 (which I now consider a grave mistake). If the Constitution Party can manage to put someone out who isn’t a racist next year, I’ll vote for them, but otherwise, I’ll likely vote for whoever the ASP puts out.

What is your political philosophy? I'm a theonomist.

Are you an advocate for purity culture? The main issue I have with purity culture as it is currently practiced in American evangelicalism is that it expects more from women than from men. If we shamed men who slept around (regardless of their political affiliation) and stigmatized men in revealing clothing, I believe that purity culture can be viable.

Do you oppose the war on drugs/support prison reform/hate cops because you fetishize black women? “Fetishize” is a very strong word. I have an attraction to black women, which I discovered well after I began to publicly criticize the status quo of the American criminal justice system (in particular, the war on drugs). My criticisms are rooted in the fact that it is currently very wasteful, and no matter how bad weed, crack, or even meth is, it should not be something every employer for the rest of one’s life has to know about or a reason to put someone in prison.

Who are the weeb, 40-year-old cage-stage dispensationalist, person who thinks Perry and Behar are predators, and person who fiddles with skulls mentioned in your bio? Someoneintheshadow456, Sneggleblech, Exposing-the-Bullshit, and Hominishostilis (or whatever handle he’s going by right now).

Why did you think Hominishostilis’s girlfriend was fake/he paid her to take pictures? He refused to marry the mother of his son, so it is my understanding that he has commitment issues. I never claimed any money changed hands to take any of the pictures of the two of them. I claimed (half-jokingly) that he was photographed next to a woman he thought was attractive and made a big deal out of it.

Are you jealous of Hom because he’s married and you aren’t? Not really. He’s several years older than me, shares similarly low standards with his wife, and will probably divorce her before 2030 rolls around.

Why do you generally refuse to engage SirYouAreBeingMocked? He is not actually interested in truth. He is interested in having a debate.

Why haven’t you interacted with Mpov that much since he became active again? Because his backstory changes more often and has more plotholes than a poorly-written Sonic OC.

Do you live with your mom? I live with two male housemates, over 350 miles from my parents’ house.

Why is a doctrine that teaches there are some people who are hellbound a beautiful, wonderful thing? Because the important part of Malachi 1:2-3 is not, “Esau I have hated,” but, “I have loved Jacob.”

I’ve found your account on a different website/know your actual name! And?

I Was Wrong About AI

It's a morning like most others. I wake up and lay in bed for about half an hour, scrolling through my phone to check my emails, Discord, Telegram, FurAffinity, and Tumblr. I don't have the Tumblr app though, and FurAffinity doesn't have an app, so I open up Chrome. There, you get a feed of news tailored to you by Google based on your interests. That's when I see it; AI has invaded the creative space in a game I was interested in playing, The Finals. The creators received approval to use an AI announcer in their game. While AI might be usable to lend more authentic (procedurally generated) responses than scripted audio bites from a real actor, that's a job lost. It's just one, yes, but that's what I needed to finally start noticing what was really happening.

Since I clicked an article on AI, more AI controversy started rolling in (of course). This issue wasn't limited to one game; it was far more widespread than I thought, and I was about to be hit with a right hook from tech news hell. Soon, if you're a Windows user, you won't be able to avoid AI in your daily life. There will be a dedicated key on your keyboard for it, and eventually, dedicated hardware in new computers for it. Not only is this bloatware a lot of folks (like myself) aren't interested in, but it's not the kind that can just be turned off (or potentially removed by some Windows variant); it'll be an integral part of your computer, and even if you remove the AI entirely, you'll have still paid for the tech to be put into your device.

It's at this point that the stuff hit the fan for me, and I start digging deeper. The creators of ChatGPT being legally challenged for allowing free access to paid content. Bing forcing you to engage with Copilot when you scroll up too far. Google injecting AI into its YouTube app. Hollywood folks considering AI movie scripts as a serious solution to the writer's strike. Several major AI art controversies in recent months. Creators I used royalty free music from using AI in their music. It made me look back and realize that I was wrong.

I originally stood as a devil's advocate for AI. "If it accidentally scraped up content it wasn't supposed to, could it really be blamed when it was told not to?" "Is it really stealing art from people who don't want their art used?" "If I use it for personal projects and have no intention of calling the generated work mine, is it a big deal?" These are actual questions I raised, and in retrospect, I was just ignoring red flags. Now, two years after I started supporting AI, I'm against it.

Why Are You Posting This Here Instead Of Your Main?

Normally I'd keep controversy to my main, taytay-the-gaybertooth, but this is actually related to the TCG scene. It's actually been rocked by a few AI controversies over the past couple of years, and my MTG Fan projects have used AI in the past. These fan works will no longer use AI.

We can't do much as average citizens to push back against AI besides just not using it, and even then there's only so much we can do. We can't just stop using our phones, computers, and for some, even their internet and tvs to oppose companies using AI. Small companies can't afford to replace all their Windows machines with Macs, and even if they could, there's parity problems they'll inevitably encounter. Shareholders will keep pushing for AI because it's a buzzword, it's sensational, and technology will always be cheaper in the long run than humans. However, we can do something, and even if it's something tiny, a lot of tiny things can add up to be overwhelming. Even if the message falls on deaf ears and ignorant minds, we can still send a message.

Headcanons for Mesmeroth

Since I need to entertain myself in this fandom, I won't shy away from posting the same drawings again (although I improved the colouring a teeny bit, so it's not entirely unjustified! xD ). Although it's just to post some headcanons for mask-wearing Mesmeroth.

The mask is non-sentient. It's just an enchanted item. Through these enchantments, however, Mesmeroth, as a mage, can make use of and invent spells that normal mages could never do.

The mask bonds with its bearer magically. This bond prevents vital functions of normal breathing, water and food intake. The mask provides nutrition to the host body magically.

Since nutrition and hydration are regulated magically, there are also no waste products. I might consider a need for the bathroom, but only once every quarter year or so. xD

It isn't exactly easy to take off clothes with those antlers, so personal hygiene is done by taking fully clothed (but without all the leather parts and armour!!) baths in the underground hot springs nearby the Riskbourne Citadel (which had Roman-style baths installed once). Given Mesmeroth doesn't perspire either (or otherwise experience the natural functions of human skin), it isn't really required, but he still enjoys the hot water. The only place he does clean regularly are his private parts. He can't bring himself to consciously neglect that area even if he doesn't technically use it for anything.

His body is a little colder than normal and his heartbeat is slower. His body isn't exactly dead, but it isn't properly alive either.

The mask magically prevents any sort of illness. On the downside, wounds take a little longer to heal for him. Thankfully, he hardly gets injured. He can still feel pain, but it is substantially numbed down.

He still has human reflexes. For example, even if he doesn't blink anymore and wouldn't be hurt by objects in his eyes he still flinches away when anything gets too close to his face.

He is aware of the mask on his face, but due to the magical bond to it, he still believes to feel his face as it was. He "blinks" even though he doesn't, and he feels his tongue and lips move when he speaks, even though there are none. It is a curious but eerie feeling when he touches the mask and is able to feel both, the cold metal of the mask on his fingertip and the finger on his skin.

He can strangely feel his antlers as well and doesn't like it when he accidentally bangs them against walls (so he simply doesn't, duh). If someone approached him with a metal file and waved it in the direction of his antlers he'd stress out so bad. xD

He lost his taste entirely and his sense of smell isn't as good as it was before, but he hardly needs it anyway.

Mesmeroth has TONS of time! xD Recovery through sleep is also regulated by the mask. He still gets tired and rests for about 3hrs daily. He can "shut off" his vision by "closing his eyes". Of course, the mechanical eyes remain active and open and so he covers his face with a heavy cloth of black velvet.

Given the dead state of his body, he lost his libido entirely, and probably couldn't feel it even if he wanted to. Nor would his body function properly. The lower temperature of his body also means the loss of fertility. Naturally.

Mesmeroth is MORTAL. xD He may eventually be able to create apparitions of himself that can "die" in his stead and he's also just crazy strong magically so that in a fight, he'd just not be defeated BUT.... technically... he could die from severe wounds: decapitation, stabbing to the heart, bleeding to death etc. He could also be drowned (as the mask cannot provide oxygen within the medium forever (just a more or less long time)) or poisoned. Even if there was a way to remove the mask, his body would die as a consequence.

The death of his body is the only way to acquire the mask.

I imagine there to be another solution, to allow his body to continue to live without the mask, but I'll speak more about that in some other post. :-P

Shadow Mesmeroth is NOT exactly the same as Mesmeroth. It's a corrupt residue of his soul after 1000 years of isolation within a machine, being "infected" by the Shadow.

As Mayfair stated: "Mesmeroth wasn't always "bad"". In fact, pre-mask Mesmeroth was quite a soft-hearted individual, albeit an anti-social one with a special interest in technology and theoretical magic (a condition more commonly known as Asperger's, a form of autism). But that's not something the Arcadians recognised or categorized and so he was a normal but somewhat strange human being, as pretty much everyone else can be, too.

He didn't become a warlock to senselessly kill other creatures. It was simply the best way to satisfy his various interests and get the most out of the education offered at the Twin Towers of the Mage Guild.

The point of this is that: wearing the mask and hardly being human for years... caused him to lose a certain degree of compassion and understanding for human desires. He can see them well enough and doesn't forget about them in his world-view, BUT they do not apply to himself any longer and thus he, now more than ever, considers himself separate from the rest. He is just as narcissistic as Archimedes in some respect, seeing himself closer to being a godly being than a mere human. This is, of course, a natural development, for he IS very powerful, but it just creates a certain disconnect that Mesmeroth seems to forget. That is why for a world to his ideals the destruction of the current one is more than justified.

And some quick ideas about...

The Guardian of the Realm's Mask

The essence of the mask is to "see the truth as is".

I like to think that through the mask Mesmeroth could see if a human is purposefully lying, or honest (or truthfully ignorant). It is even possible that this might have been some original purpose of the mask, when it was created and being used for the first time (apparently during the reign of King Gildas).

One aspect of the mask is its ability to let the mask-wearer see the world through the eyes of a god. It shows the relevant structures and flows and connections. It's a quite hard to imagine the actual vision through the mechanical/magical eyes. Are there additional colours visible? Can the flow of magic be perceived? Can souls be seen? Is Mesmeroth aware of these things as additional visual impressions or is there maybe rather a sound or smell? Maybe some strange 6th sense?

Ah, no, I need to think some more. xD I was trying to type ideas about its creation but it's really hardly thought through. Was it a gift from the gods? A leftover from their initial population of Gaia? An instrument made by the Shadow? Or even just created by an incredibly powerful mage? xD Who knows.

Mantis stared at the moth’s little face as she listened to Vision’s words, paying close attention to them. When he said he didn’t know he needed something until he had it… that hit Mantis like a rocket. Growing up without things she now cherished such as kindness, music, humor, and an overall feeling of freedom, she completely understood what Vision meant. She, too, didn’t know how much she needed beautiful things until she met and joined the Guardians, finally living her life away from Ego’s threat, finding a home among the stars. A true purpose. The galaxy had so much beauty to offer, and Mantis wanted to love it and protect it with everything she had… And now she was going to cry. She wiped the outer corner of her eyes and chuckled. “I would say it’s a combination of both. In my case, I decided who I wanted to be first, and then the process of self-discovery followed. And that process never ends! It’s exciting,” she said with her usual endless optimism. “Now you discovered you like moths because they’re gentle, and soft, and adorable. I think it’s a good sign that such a tiny being is willing to trust you.”

Approaching the broken mirror slowly and carefully, Mantis’ antennae became droopy until they framed her face. She lost half of her height without them. “Should I… get you a new one? I could get you a Walkman, too. I think listening to music could heal your soul a bit. It might also help you connect with humans again.” She wasn’t sure if Vision wanted to hear anything humans had to say at the moment. “I know you resent them, and rightfully so, but… their music is enough to understand they’re not so bad. Not all of them. Or at least I see it that way. You probably have fond memories with them, do you not?” Whether Vision considered himself the same person he saw in those memories or not, Mantis did not know. And she didn’t have to. She could be there for him as a friend, but his concerns were his. Despite the natural tendency to invade something as private as the mind itself her powers possessed, Mantis could not live someone else’s life for them. Part of her power was recognizing that she was part of a universe and accepting it for what it was, rather than trying to improve it or perfect it according to what she deemed ‘better’ like her father had been trying to do.

And part of it was also petting the moth once again. She couldn’t help it.

(Alright, since this site is no longer allowing asks from people who don’t have a blog such as myself, I remembered I could submit things, and since that includes pics, have a tiny moth! I hope it’s okay with you, if not please let me know, and I’m partially happy it removed the ask function for non-users because with submissions I can elaborate more. There is so much going on inside Mantis’ mind all the time. No way this hellsite is gonna pressure me to join it and/or letting that stop me from writing with people. Nuh-uh 💚 Also yes, my pen name is Minty Breath, I know I KNOW. Hope you don’t mind longer paragraphs about my bug daughter!)

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{ Oh gosh, did they really do that? I didn’t even notice. That’s… kinda crumby. But YASSSSS, I’m excited for longer, more detailed Mantis! XD I don’t mind at all, write as much as you feel inspired to! Also, that moth is adorable. ALSO also, Minty Breath is the best pen name ever. “Silence Leaflin” is mine, and it was the name of the first D&D character I ever had back over 20 years ago. Wow, I’m old, heh. She was a half-human, half-vampire sorcerer, heh. But I digress. I respect your tenacity to keep writing and rping while simultaneously not giving an inch to this hellsite. Rock on. XD }

Both? Vision looked to Mantis with some quizzical amount of pause. He hadn’t considered that he could decide who he was and simultaneously discover himself. Then again... why couldn’t he? There were no rules for self-discovery and sorting out the details of one’s identity, were there? Why was he searching for boundaries and rules where there ought to be none?

Vision hadn’t realized until that moment that he’d been assuming there were rules to such a process, that he didn’t know them, and that, without knowing them, he could not proceed. In his previous incarnation, he could synthesize information and create something new from it, his own identity included. It was not as though he had lost that ability, but in his current incarnation he was realizing that his default state of being was to process information, not transform it. It was to think analytically and logically instead of creatively and existentially.

“Yes, I can decide for myself and then gradually manifest my decision over time, can’t I? Perhaps I cannot finalize my true identity until I attempt to implement who I wish to be first. That... vision... of who I might be, who I wish to be, is likely to be incomplete and idealistic. Given time and the various forces of life and reality acting upon it, the incomplete should become... complete. The idealistic... realistic.” He blinked. “Yes. Thank you, Mantis. You have assisted me in arriving at a state of renewed clarity.”

As he spoke, he held out his arm for the moth, who was now slowly walking from his shoulder along the length of his arm, idly exploring the odd terrain that was Vision’s surface layer. When Mantis reached for it, it stopped, its little head tilting slightly to see if what was approaching was friend or foe, and ultimately deciding that gentle pets were acceptable. Vision watched Mantis pet the moth, and his smile returned. Before Mantis had introduced him to the tiny creature, Vision had not stopped to smell the roses, as it were, in a long time. It forced him to take life in for a moment, to slow down, and to let go of his problems in favor of enjoying something innocent for a moment.

He’d also come to despise the color white, seeing the color of his own body as a blank canvas, but of the worst kind. Not a brand new blank canvas any artist would be excited to get started covering with things of beauty and interest, but rather, a canvas that used to already be a work of art... that someone tossed paint thinner onto. All the color had been stripped from him in a violent and cruel manner like the chemicals in paint thinner grotesquely melting and dissolving the flowers, faces, mountains, and skies of a magnificent painting. And thus, Vision’s magnificence, his art, and his story had also been stripped away, or so he’d felt. But... this moth... was beautiful. White... could be beautiful, he was learning. So would Vision again. Someday.