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phnmnt · 2 years

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Shen Yuan shixiong AU - Part 18

Mu Qingfang frowns then hands the medicine to Luo Binghe, telling him to make sure his shixiong drinks it, and exits the room in a hurry. Shen Yuan, recognizing the screaming voice as one belonging to a younger disciple, tries to get out of bed, ignoring the small bowl in his shidi’s hand. But Luo Binghe gently pushes him back in a sitting position. “Shixiong, this shidi promises to help you go investigate, but please- please drink the medicine first, alright?”

Shen Yuan stares at Luo Binghe with surprise. Never before did his shidi force him to do anything, even out of worry. Seeing Luo Binghe’s tense expression, Shen Yuan sighs then nods. Luo Binghe hands him the bowl and immediately kneels to help him put on his boots. Embarrassed but too weak to actually complain, Shen Yuan barely moves and elects to ignore the whole situation.

As he obediently brings the medicine to his lips, the whole room starts to shake violently. “AH!” Shen Yuan’s grip being too weak, the bowl slips from his fingers and shatters on the ground. His shidi grabs the remaining boot and throws an additional layer of clothing found at the end of the bed to his shixiong.

A few seconds later, they burst out of the room together, Shen Yuan leaning on Luo Binghe. “What is going o-!” He immediately closes his mouth when he realizes that he forgot a very important thing: PIDW main scenario. Suddenly feeling cold sweat rolling down his back, he quickly flips through his memories to find what plot they were facing. “Shixiong, where should we s-” “Oh no. This is bad.” Luo Binghe freezes. “Bad?” Shen Yuan swallows, very much aware that his condition has a high probability to handicap him in completing the next step in the main scenario. “Demon invasion.” He realizes too late that declaring such a thing with certainty would probably sound very weird to his shidi. But Luo Binghe’s reaction is simply to strengthen his grip on his shixiong’s waist and to ask: “Where should we start then, shixiong?”

Shen Yuan quickly instructs Luo Binghe to help him to Qiong Ding Peak’s main hall. On their way, they help a few disciples with eliminating demons that reached the deeper parts of the sect. As a demon tries to launch a sneak attack on them, Ning Yingying drops from a nearby rooftop and disposes of him. Witnessing this, Shen Yuan cannot help but cheer inside. He pats his shimei’s head and thanks her before leaning on Luo Binghe once more.

A few minutes later, they finally reach Qiong Ding Peak’s main hall, followed by Ning Yingying and the disciples they met on their way. Shen Yuan catches his shizun’s figure at the head of the group of disciples gathering in the open hall, facing a very mean looking group of demons. Shen Qingqiu locks eyes with him and frowns behind his opened fan. Shen Yuan sends him a forced smile, feeling like his shizun is somehow angry at him. What he doesn’t realize is that his shizun’s eyes stop on his face for a moment, taking in the dark circles, the drops of cold sweat and the bright red patched hinting at a fever. Shen Qingqiu frowns some more then turns away from the sight, visibly annoyed at his disciple's self-preservation skills. Shen Yuan awkwardly makes his way to his shizun’s side with his shidi’s help, resolutely keeping silent when he finally gets there.

A laugh resonates from the demon side. “Is this pretty little sick lamb lost?” Shen Yuan looks up with surprise, only to face Sha Hualing who is gazing at him with both mockery and curiosity. Luo Binghe’s hold on his waist becomes tighter. Shen Yuan doesn’t need to look to know that his shidi wants to teach the demoness a lesson. Shen Yuan shakes his head with a bitter smile as he gently removes himself from Luo Binghe’s grip, thinking that this poor girl will regret leaving a bad impression on his shidi. He takes a step forward and politely bows to Sha Hualing. “This humble disciple thanks the Demon Saintess for worrying. This one is not lost, but here to give assistance to shizun.” Obviously finding him very boring, Sha Hualing simply laughs and turns her attention to the rest of the crowd. She declares being here out of curiosity, wanting to ascend the mountain to take a look at the many talented individuals on the mountain and spar with them. Shen Qingqiu hides a mocking smile behind his fan. “So you decide to show up and exchange pointers when our Sect Leader is absent?” Acting cute, Sha Hualing promptly changes the subject. “This must be the famous Xiu Ya Sword wielder, Shen Qingqiu qianbei.”

She goes on about how “Ling-er is inexperienced” and "is still learning how to manage her subordinates", that if they offended them in any way, that she hopes they will forgive them. Shen Yuan is barely able to keep himself from rolling his eyes.

A few sentences later, the “friendly” competition that was supposed to take place in PIDW current arc is finally mentioned. But one thing worries Shen Yuan: with his current condition, he’s afraid his shizun won’t let him compete instead of throwing Luo Binghe in. He did train the protagonist from day one but… He looks up to the system’s screen highlighting his main mission “Shield Luo Binghe”. Cold sweat running down his back once more, he shivers.

Behind him, his shidi silently grabs the end of one of his sleeves, his expression darker than usual.

Shen Qingqiu and Sha Hualing decide to hold three rounds. Searching his foggy memory, Shen Yuan remembers the first match to be the one in which his shizun would participate. As if to confirm his thought, Shen Qingqiu takes a step forward, announcing himself as the first representative. Shen Yuan instinctively grabs his shizun's sleeve, stopping him from making another step. The latter turns to him, his expression unreadable.

“Sh-Shizun. This disciple…” Telling him to be careful not to use any underhanded tactics like he did in the original work would be a grave mistake, wounding SQQ’s pride in front of everyone present. “...This disciple is deeply ashamed that shizun has to go compete himself in the first match.” Shen Qingqiu raises an eyebrow slightly, softening the previous indifferent expression. “M-May shizun show them the might of righteous cultivation!” Mentally hitting his own head against a wall for saying cringy bullshit, Shen Yuan misses the small spark in his shizun’s eyes.

The next thing he knows, Shen Qingqiu lightly (and awkwardly) pats his shoulder before turning around to face the demon Elder. Everything goes so fast that Shen Yuan barely has time to process the match. Before he knows it, the demon Elder is sprawled on the ground, unconscious. Everyone’s expression is shocked, but more than this, there’s a hint of awe mixed in. Shen Qingqiu won. Without using any underhanded methods. Shen Yuan gazes towards his shizun making his way over while slowly fanning himself.

But Shen Yuan is very much aware of Shen Qingqiu’s strength and character in PIDW, and immediately sees the little drops of sweat rolling down his shizun’s temples. The system chooses this moment to ding and announce “Shen Qingqiu’s divergence path, unlocking success rate now at 45%”, startling SY. 45%?

Shen Qingqiu suddenly stops in front of him, looking down at him with his usual indifferent expression. Shen Yuan, still a bit slow from the fever, doesn’t react until a moment later, bowing to his shizun with a face full of admiration. Satisfied, Shen Qingqiu returns to his previous position. Fighting the sudden urge to laugh, Shen Yuan bites his bottom lip. What was that? Did Shen Qingqiu want to be praised?

The second round also goes by rather quickly, but proves more disappointing than what Shen Yuan expected. Liu Mingyan, Qi Qingqi’s head disciple and Liu Qingge’s younger sister, volunteers to face Sha Hualing but, not yet owning her personal sword while the other battled with saintly weapons, loses the match. She then asks Shen Qingqiu for punishment after her failure but the latter simply ignores her request and asks the now beaming Sha Hualing to decide on her last representative. Shen Yuan fights the urge to bite his nails. He subtly glances at his Shen Qingqiu, hoping that he forgot about the protagonist’s presence. Deciding to not take any chances, Shen Yuan moves to block his shizun’s view as the latter turns to choose one last representative. Luo Binghe, not knowing his shixiong’s intention of protecting him, peeks from behind Shen Yuan’s back and directly meets Shen Qingqiu’s eyes.

Meanwhile, Sha Hualing casually announces the poisonous and deadly attributes of the Elder’s armor, triggering a wave of rage in the onlookers. Shen Yuan, aware that he failed to “hide” his shidi, steps once more in front of Luo Binghe. “Shizun, please let this disciple be the last representative.” Shen Qingqiu completely ignores him, locking eyes with Luo Binghe once more. The latter quickly shots a look at his shixiong then nods. Shen Qingqiu silently fans himself before turning his back to them. “Luo Binghe, come here.” Not expecting his shizun to act this way, Shen Yuan shoots him a hurt look. “Shizun-!” “A-Yuan, you shut up.”

Before everyone at the scene knows it, Luo Binghe is making his way towards the center of the hall while a worried Shen Yuan is still desperately trying to convince his shizun to let him go instead. Inside, Shen Yuan knows the original Luo Binghe didn’t even have his current training and experience so he knows his shidi can beat Elder Sky Hammer, but he can’t help but feel very worried that this situation will make him fail his “shielding” mission.

If he's gone, what will happen to Luo Binghe?

He insists on switching with his shidi once more and that is when Shen Qingqiu’s patience reaches its limit. “Shen Yuan! You know very well I don’t make a habit of repeating myself. Shut. Up.” Shen Yuan is about to retort, feeling hurt, when a hand firmly pulls him back. Ning Yingying silently takes his hand in her own trembling one, shaking her head at him. "Shimei..."

Luo Binghe politely bow to Elder Sky Hammer and falls into his prefered fighting stance, indicating that he is ready to fight. The visual difference between the two competitors is ridiculous, the previous atmosphere of awe towards Shen Qingqiu turning into fearful respect. Then, Elder Sky Hammer finally swings at Luo Binghe. Minutes pass and, surprisingly, none of the demon’s hits land. Luo Binghe also couldn’t land any, but as far as anyone was concerned, staying alive was already exceeding everyone's expectations. Even Ming Fan was slowly turning blue from holding his breath. “This is becoming a battle of endurance. The brat will lose at this pace.” “He won’t.” Shen Yuan had already calmed down while looking at the match.

Since his very first move, Luo Binghe had started planting little advantages here and there. He really was the protagonist. SY can’t help but smile fondly. “He will win.” The sentence carries to LBH’s ears. Previously worried his shixiong didn’t trust his strength and asked to replace him with his sick self, he couldn’t help but be distracted and dragged the moment of confrontation with the demon, trying to calm his nerves. But when he hears those confident words, he feels his whole body becoming lighter and excitement starts running through his veins. “I will win.” In a single flash of his sword, Luo Binghe ends the match. Other than Shen Yuan, no one looks as if they expected this outcome.

Elder Sky Hammer, a demon elder with a hundred years’ worth of skill, had been defeated by a youth of fifteen years. Covered in dust but grinning from one ear to the other, Luo Binghe returns to his shixiong’s side. Shen Yuan ruffles his hair while praising him as soon as he’s within reach and Ning Yingying starts bouncing while cheering. Even Ming Fan cannot help but crack a smile.

But Shen Yuan’s attention never leaves the demon side. As his shizun is about to send away the horde of demons, Elder Sky Hammer launches towards them, swinging his weapon. But Shen Yuan’s movements are too sluggish from the fever and the exhaustion, and he finds himself unable to move. He shuts his eyes. But the pain never comes. When he opens them again, his shizun is standing in front of him, towering above a knocked out demon elder. “How dare you try to kill him? My disciples' lives aren’t for you to take.”

Luo Binghe recovers from the shock and pulls his shixiong’s sleeve. “Shixiong, are you alright?” “I-” Then something that no one could’ve predicted happens: Elder Sky Hammer, who was believed out cold or even dead, suddenly leaps up and hurls himself at Luo Binghe, arms open as if preparing to embrace the boy.

His mind immediately connecting the dots, Shen Yuan’s body acts on his own and he pushes Luo Binghe out of the way, pulling his sword out of storage and piercing Elder Sky Hammer hulking body. Unfortunately, it isn’t enough to stop the momentum of the attack. With an evil grin, Elder Sky Hammer throws himself at Shen Yuan, poisonous spikes glinting in the light. The latter tries to evade the attack but his body suddenly stops responding entirely and stars appear in front of his eyes. The next moment, chilling stabs of pain spread from his right arm, his chest and the bottom of his face. Shen Yuan’s Qi was already in disarray from overworking and now, he can feel his heart going completely cold from the absence of spiritual energy. He can hear screams all around him as someone laughs madly. Then, an angry growl followed by the wet sound of a body falling in a pool of fluid...

Arms cradle him gently, as if shielding the most fragile piece of jade, and a broken-hearted sob resonates close to his ear... His vision is troubled and his body feels so- SO heavy. “A-YUAN!” Another round of screaming is heard. And Shen Yuan can recognize screams of terror. “S-Shiz…un…” But Shen Qingqiu doesn’t hear him as he madly eliminates demon after demon.

The last thing Shen Yuan hears is the voice of Liu Qingge ordering for people to let him through.

◃◇▻▵◅◇▹

Shen Yuan awakens in a very fancy room. Swimming in confusion for a while, his brain finally reboots and he recognizes the room as his shizun’s. He tries to turn to take a look around but a general body pain makes him freeze and groan. Ming Fan, who was just coming in, drops whatever he had in his hands to the ground and runs outside shouting that his shixiong is awake.

As Shen Yuan slowly sits in bed, he spots Luo Binghe standing just outside the room. “Shidi? Why are you standing there? Come in.” Luo BInghe refuses to look him in the eyes and, upon entering, he immediately kneels down and begs his shixiong for forgiveness. His tears break Shen Yuan’s heart. He gently grabs his shidi's hand. “Binghe.” Luo Binghe slowly raises his head. “Binghe, listen to me. There is absolutely nothing to forgive. Besides, I’m the one who should’ve been strong enough to protect you. As a shixiong, I am very embarrassed.” “N-No! Shixiong, you-” He stops, seeing the teasing smile on his shixiong’s face.

Touched but still anxious about his shixiong’s condition, Luo Binghe shyly offers Shen Yuan the congee he made earlier. As he eats, Shen Yuan deliberately ignores the feeling of butterflies spreading in his stomach.

After Luo Binghe goes back to the kitchen with empty plates, Mu Qingfang, Liu Qingge, Qi Qingqi, Yue Qingyuan and Shen Qingqiu all enter the room to check his condition. In short, half the bigshots of the sect came to visit him. (The system loudly notifies Shen Yuan that his martial aunts and uncles status progressed to “family”, making his eyebrow twitch.) Mu Qingfang examines his body once more and Shen Yuan is informed that the poison is indeed without a cure but can be repressed with medicine and some external help. His shibo then sighs and places a copper mirror in his hands. “That’s the best I could do.” Shen Yuan calmly looks at his reflection and his eyes stop on a very mean looking scar at the bottom right of his face. He smiles. “It’s alright. This shizhi is alive, right?” Mu Qingfang smiles back and pats his head. "Well said."

After expressing their concerns, most of them exit the room but Liu Qingge and Shen Qingqiu remain to help him go back to his room. (Not without Shen Qingqiu offering to stay with him temporarily. Liu Qingge visibly gets goosebumps when he hears the suggestion.) From his shizun's bed to his own, they both nag at him so that he never does something dangerous like that again. Back to his own bed, Shen Yuan finally feels his shoulders relax.

“Shizun. Shishu. I know what I did could’ve cost my life. But… this one only wanted to protect those he cherishes. Without acting, this disciple could’ve lost much more. This… I promise to become stronger.”

In the end, both men’s hearts soften when they hear him say that. But both focus on different parts. Shen Qingqiu hears “cherish”, mentally slapping the word to his own forehead, and Liu Qingge hears “stronger”, making him nod with satisfaction.

Both of them are idiots.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 8.5 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 - Part 17

(Note to delete later: If you sent me an ask a while ago and wonder why I haven't answered yet, I simply didn't have the time to! I will do that as soon as I can and I apologize for the delay.)

#svsss #scum villian self saving system #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #shen yuan #sha hualing #sy shixiong au #phansdraws #I KNOW #this is a LOT of text #sorry for posting one day later than twitter it was way too late to post it here too rip #enjoy ♥

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starview-cafe · 2 years

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Do you forgive yourself?

Wheatley: Go on and get comfy now... I've got quite a lot to say about this.

Wheatley: I'll start by saying this... I am aware that what I did wasn't right. I'm aware it was... very wrong, actually. I've had a LOT of time to think about just HOW wrong I was. Nothing but time, actually. For about 3 years, I was stuck orbiting this rock. Every time I'd pass by the Earth I'd think about it. For 3 years! And I never once started to feel better about it... I actually think I felt worse as time went on. So, believe me. I am very, very aware of what I've done.

Now, I could sit here all day and give you the rationale for why I acted the way I did. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to sound like I'm just... trying to write it off as being nothing. Like "I was such a victim, and I was completely justified!" Because it's not like that at all. I tried to hurt people. People who had done nothing wrong! ... Well... one of them had done nothing wrong. Let's be honest, the other one totally deserved it--BUT!! BESIDES THAT... The only reasoning I can give you in good conscience is that... I am a right and proper moron. But, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter WHY I did what I did, now does it? What matters is... I've done it. And I'm not proud of it. Not one bit.

I can sit up here, feeling terrible and sorry all I'd like, but, looking at things realistically, it's not going to change anything that's happened. You can't change the past. That's all already happened, hasn't it? No matter how hard I wish that I could take it all back, it's just not going to do a bloody thing. I don't … look, I really don't want it to sound like I just don't care. I do! But... I mean, augh… you can only think about something so much before it stops being helpful! I don't think it's doing ANYONE any good for me to continue to dwell on it.

Do I forgive myself... that's.... that's a bit, pointless to think about, isn't it? That doesn't matter so much, after all I'm not the one to apologize to. I didn't do myself wrong. But I was a horrible monster to her. If anyones forgiveness of me actually has value, it would be hers. But I couldn't even apologize to her if I wanted to... which I do. I want to quite badly. But... even if I did... let's say that I could apologize to her. If I did... I can't control whether or not she forgives me. Apologizing doesn't automatically mean you get forgiveness. And that's completely fair! No one involved has any obligation to forgive me at all. It doesn't matter how sorry I am or how much I regret it. That doesn't play a tenth of a part in it.

I almost think it would be selfish of me to even try to apologize at this point. Do I think reaching out and saying I'm sorry would make her feel better about what happened? Well, no. I doubt it. At that point, it'd just be for me and my closure. I don't want to subject her to percieving me again just for that. I have to consider what she would want, too. And I feel like she would just like to be left alone.

It's like... like if your high school bully reached out to you 11 years after graduation and said "Oi gov, remember all the times I flushed yer gob in the loo? Yea, dreadful sorry for that mate." like, would that make you feel better?? No, of course not! You'd be like... "why the hell is this daft codger talking to me again..." It's just not helpful to anyone!

I can't simply take back what I've done, no matter how much I want to. But I'll tell you--I'll tell you what I CAN change. I can change what I do now. My options after that day are A. carry on being a proper bellend or... or, B.... Don't. Be better. Do better. And you know… I'd like to think that I am.

Do i forgive myself? Well, the answer is no, I don’t. I don’t forgive my past self for what he’s done. That’s why I’m trying to be better, up here.

Wow that was... I know I said I had a lot to say but... that was a LOT to say. Hah... I've just thought about this so much, and never had anyone to really... talk to about it. Just sort of built up, I guess.

Well, thanks for listening, anyways.

#Wheatley #Wheatley core #ask wheatley #Portal 2 #Portal #Wheatley ask blog #Portal ask blog #anonymous #thanks for asking!#this is a lot of text #I apologize #I kinda wanted to draw more for it but it would have taken me ages probably #chrono

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wearenotjustnumbers2 · 3 months

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Yesterday marked the 100th day of genocide. Please, do not get used to this. Our people, killed, bombed, kidnapped, stripped, executed and starved is not normal. Our kids in pieces, their body parts collected in bags is not normal.

Israel has killed 23,700 human. More than 10,300 child. We'd need 177 school bus to carry the Palestinian children killed by Israel in gaza. 10,022 fatherless child. 8,352 motherless child. The wounded have their wounds rot and die waiting in front of the crossing. Maggots seen inside alive people's wounds. 5,500 pregnant woman will give birth in the upcoming weeks. 100 Days of Genocide. 100 Days of the world watching silently.

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troutpaws · 6 months

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the flesh will persist (graphite & digital, 2023)

#salmon #zombie salmon #freshwater fish #nature #graphite #traditional art #my art #animal death #id in alt text #been thinking a lot about how salmon can start to decompose while they are still alive

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gayvampyr · 11 months

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fat people are allowed to be fat even if they don’t starve themselves or push themselves physically past their limits btw

#i hear a lot of ‘‘you’re only allowed to be fat if you’ve tried very hard not to be and it didn’t work’’#fat acceptance isn’t conditional #i hate skinny people #text post #fatphobia #ed tw #top posts #5k #10k #15k #20k #25k

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shadowtraveled · 1 month

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"mithrun is the only real monsterfucker in dungeon meshi" is objectively the funniest bit you can get out of his everything, but in all seriousness i think his attraction to his love interest is deliberately overstated—and that makes sense, because romantic jealousy is a classic and digestible motive, which is explicitly what kabru was aiming for in condensing mithrun's backstory, and also because until chapter 94, mithrun wasn't willing to admit to the true nature of his desires.

but because romantic envy is both classic and digestible, it probably isn’t a unique enough or complicated enough desire to tempt a demon’s appetite. mithrun’s wish, as far as we can figure from kabru’s reduced retelling, was to have a life in which he had never become one of the canaries, and that carries like 3857 implications and desires within it. that’s delicious. his love interest acts as sort of a red herring to his motivation for making it, though. (side note: i'm saying "love interest" here because, keeping in mind that i barely speak japanese on a good day anymore, "想い人" is something i'd usually take as just kind of an old-fashioned and romantic way to refer to a lover, but in context i wonder if both the connotation of yearning and the vagueness are intentional, and i think this phrasing gets those aspects of it more effectively. anyway.)

mithrun considered his love interest to be untrustworthy. there was a minute where i thought that comment might be about a similar-looking elf (yugin, one of his squad members), but comparing the two…

the "sketchy" arrow is definitely referring to the elf we know as his love interest—the bangs go toward her right, she only has the one forehead ornament, and, most notably, her ears aren't notched.

every time she’s given a full-body depiction in his dungeon, she’s drawn as a chimera, with the body of a snake from the waist down. (side note: the “what if a dungeon has chimeras before reaching level 4?”/“then the dungeon lord is unstable” exchange just being mithrun grilling his past self alive is so funny. he’s so. but anyway) there are a couple things about this.

first, the snake part of the chimera appears to be modeled after some species of coral snake mimic

which, in the biology-for-fun manga, i… doubt is a coincidence, especially with the added context of the “untrustworthy” comment. the dungeon’s conjured illusion of mithrun’s love interest was a harmless copycat of a venomous original. for whatever reason, he felt this person was a threat and made up a "safe" version of her to be in a relationship with, and while it’s definitely possible to be attracted to or even love someone you find to be toxic and/or intimidating, when you take that into consideration alongside the configuration of her body, you get some interesting implications.

which brings us to our second point: if we assume that mithrun was not in fact fucking a snake, then sexual attraction, at least, was so far removed from his idea of a relationship with this person that he did not even bother to keep her dungeon copy human enough to maintain the illusion of the option of a sexual relationship. this is somewhat echoed in the depictions of their interactions, which also imply a frankly unexpected romantic distance. she kisses his cheek and he doesn't seem to react; she's at the edge of a narrow bed with only one set of pillows, on top of his blankets while he's underneath them.

the kiss is particularly interesting because it seems to contrast the text. kabru's narration tells us this was everything mithrun could have asked for, but mithrun is there looking unreadable to pensive, likely because this is right before the panel that makes it clear things in the dungeon are beginning to go wrong.

walking through this backwards for a minute, we have the physical barrier of his bedding and the spatial separation inherent in a bed made for one person, the emotional barrier of his mounting anxiety getting in the way of his ability to enjoy the affection he sought, and... the snake, which historically carries the connotation of temptation, yes, but also mistrust, barring physical intimacy. okay. ok. if a dungeon reflects the mentality of its lord, all of this might suggest that mithrun was not able to have any real desire for a relationship with this person. his unwillingness to be vulnerable or let another person in was insurmountable. but in that case, why was she such a focal point that she remained to the end, after his dungeon had stopped creating iterations of his friends to come and visit him? why would he get so upset over her meeting with his brother that he became lord of a dungeon about it?

well. mithrun's brother was also interested in her, probably genuinely. and mithrun had to win.

you have an older brother who your parents completely ignore, probably in part because he is chronically ill/disabled and almost definitely in part because he received a ton of recessive traits that resulted in rumors that he was an illegitimate child. you are aware, most likely because those same parents fucking told you, that you actually are an illegitimate child. but they keep you around because you had the good fortune of looking just like your mother. what can that possibly teach you but that you, like your brother, are disposable?

it's utterly unsurprising that mithrun, under these circumstances, developed a pathological need to be better than everyone around him. people don't keep you otherwise. i'd argue this is also why he says he looked down on everyone he knew while milsiril claims his dungeon reeked of feelings of inferiority—he sought out people's worst traits and prioritized them in his mind to protect his already extremely fragile sense of self-worth, and all the while he tried to be as likable and high-performing as he possibly could be. his parents disposed of him anyway, but even then he tried to keep up the performance. he was kind to everyone. he never once lost to a dungeon.

when he saw his "love interest" meeting up with his brother, what he saw was himself being replaced by a person his parents had always treated as worthless, and if that was what they thought of the child they'd kept, what value could anyone possibly see in the bastard they'd given away to die? mithrun and kabru tell the story like he wanted to win this unnamed elf's heart, but it was never about being with her. it was about cementing his worth, proving that he didn't deserve to be thrown away.

and so it's particularly cruel that his demon discarded him, too. but maybe it's also particularly gentle that, in the end, there was someone who refused to even consider giving up on him.

kui laid it out in three panels better than i could hope to.

yeah. it's love. you wanted to be loved, even when the only way you were able to understand it was through the desire to be wanted, and you wanted that so badly that the idea of being consumed felt like the promise of finally mattering to someone.

#dungeon meshi spoilers #mithrun #dungeon meshi #this has been rotating for a while but i wanted to check my evidence before getting into it thanks user angelspenance for posting that meme #half of this is just the text and the other half i'm sure has been said before but it's making my brain [radio static] so here this is #someone did for sure mention this but i do find it very cute that in his fucked up conjured world meant to portray his ideal reality #his teammates came to visit him. like part of the fantasy was then explicitly that they cared about him and were his friends. even though #he says he tried to see the worst in them.#hm it does feel important to note that i do also believe 100% in mithrun suicidality--his desire to be eaten does seem to focus a lot on #wanting it to be Over. wanting not to be left incomplete and empty anymore.#but that loops back around a bit to the hole in your heart that appears when you feel unloved. it's many things and the same thing at once #snakes #long post #severe problems #meshy

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