The tag rambles in (the post about moth/dead!us fluttering around Foul Legacy) have given me even more random angsty ideas hehehe

Also, for a bit of size context, I personally would see us as an Atlas Moth (they're very pretty, just like everyone here <3).

"in an alternate universe Childe vanished and a sparkly moth started following you around" Ack okay but the simultaneous misery and nostalgia at getting a mini version of the big moth that we love so much. Honestly, I think that prospect would just break us, so here's a few ideas and whatnot: - Underside of the moth's wings would be sparkly, while the topside would probably be some sort of dark purple. - Antennae that look like Legacy's horns <3 <3 - Literal-moth moth would probably try to stick around our hands as much as possible - Unfortunately, we can't pet him like we could when he was mothman. Because, y'know, fragile creature and all that.

"ohhh if the moth gets hurt (because it's so easy for them to get hurt) Foul Legacy starts sobbing" - Moths can't fly again if a wing breaks, unfortunately ;-; - Frankly, I can indeed see Foul Legacy just end up sobbing at a wing of ours being broken (ooo that's a new idea, maybe I'll touch it later...) - Us, with a broken wing, crawling over and around both his claws and mask, also maybe nestling in his fur(hair)? - Uncertain if a soul moth (as I'm gonna call us) needs nutrients like a regular moth. However, if we do, then Foul Legacy may just stop by forests or something frequently in order to keep as as healthy as we can be <3



~ :D Anon (Sorry it took me so long, was busy with tests ehe)

Note: I removed the link, hopefully it'll send this time? If it does, then woop-

aaaa yeah tumblr asks can be very VERY finicky especially on anon for some reason??? once i tried to send one in and it wouldn't let me because i had too many commas, tsk tsk!!! (original ask here <33)

Foul Legacy little moth: !!!! oh my goodness imagine you're in that state where you're trying so hard to cling onto hope, trying so hard to seem fine so you don't worry your friends and family- and it seems like the little moth that started following you everywhere only helps you heal, or at least people think it should since it's a constant, comforting presence

but the moth knows the truth- it knows how you sometimes break down when you're alone in your room, no matter how happy you try to seem during the day. it knows how you cry into your hands, your sobs of "where could he be?" as you despair over your lost Abyssal monster, your missing Foul Legacy

the little moth can only perch on your fingers, fuzzy antennae waving in your face like it's trying to wipe away your tears, and despite your sadness you still find the energy to cup your friend in your hands and smile wearily- just as kind as Childe remembers

you little moth: Foul Legacy will break if his tiny moth companion gets hurt- even more so if it was by him, even on accident. his talons and armor is sharp, deadly to something so small and delicate, and he cradles the moth in his hands and weeps. the little insect flicks its antennae, almost as if it's trying to reassure him, but all he can see is the rip in the poor thing's wing

he doesn't know the moth is you, intent on keeping him company even after death- he simply knows that it feels familiar, that the creature is dear to him and someone to be treasured, for when else will a moth willingly become friends with a beast? he swears you keep you safe from now on, allowing you to snuggle into his fluff or hair, away from his claws and teeth. occasionally you'll go and perch on one of his horns, happily enjoying the breeze that you can't fly in anymore, at least not as well

on particularly peaceful days he tentatively allows you to sit on one of his claws, basking in the sun and looking awfully proud of yourself despite being a moth. you flutter your wings and he flutters his back, and Legacy can see you happily waving your antennae in the air

at those moments, Childe knows peace

ok, but imagine that after a show Harry is ready to turn down a woman (because hey he has a girlfriend), but actually the woman flirts with y/n. god i need to see harry all jealous after this 😔

i looove this concept!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Harry, open up.”

“No. Go away.”

You rolled your eyes. “Come on, bubba. It’s not that serious.”

The door opened abruptly, startling you. Harry’s pout was not that menacing but very cute. “You took the number,” he hissed before closing the door with a definitive click.

“I was being polite! I’m not actually going to use it!” you said, doing your best to hide the groan in your voice. Harry was being so silly, but he could be very stubborn. Getting his mood to change was tricky, but you’d become something of an expert at it the last few years.

“Okay then,” you said, over exaggerating your sigh. “Guess I’ll just go back to the hotel room all by myself. Such a shame too. I was looking forward to being undressed by you.”

You took a couple steps away from Harry’s dressing room door, but not far enough that he wouldn’t be able to hear you anymore.

“But since I’m so nice, I’ll give you just a little taste if you do decide to come out.”

Going on your phone, you scrolled through your camera roll until you found the picture you took before the show tonight. You sent it to him, grinning when you heard Harry’s phone chime.

It would be any second now. All you had to do was—

“There’s my bubba.”

Harry had his phone tightly gripped in his hand. He was blushing, a sheepish smile on his face. Pointing to you and then to his phone, he asked, “Are you really—”

“Uh huh.”

“And you’ll still let me —”

“Uh huh.” You said, beckoning him closer. When he was close enough, he reached out, but you put a hand out to stop him. “But after you apologize to me for thinking I would entertain someone else’s flirting.”

“I’m sorry, lovie. Really, I am,” he said, holding your hand tightly in his.

“I love you,” you said. “No one else. Especially not that girl.”

You thought it was funny initially. Harry was primed and ready to rebuff the young woman, but she turned to you and slipped you a scrap of paper with her number scribbled on it. You were totally surprised at first, and because there wasn’t a trash can close by, you put the paper in your pocket, something Harry was not pleased about.

“I know. I’m sorry. I know being jealous can be kind of—”

“Childish? Unattractive? Unnecessary?”

Harry blushed. “Yes, all those things.”

Reaching your hand out, you rested it on his cheek. “You’re lucky you’re cute when you’re jealous.”

Harry waited a couple seconds, not sure if you were going to say anything more, but you didn’t. “So...?”

You rolled your eyes, but you practically launched yourself at him. “Take me home, bubba.”

“Of course, my love.”

You and Harry left the concert venue, one of his hands firmly planted on your ass the whole way. You didn’t mind, though, you’d worn this outfit for a reason. Harry had been jealous, but it wasn’t as bad as it could be. And he was quick to get over things. You’d been together too long to let something as miniscule as a girl giving you her number get in the way of the special thing you two had.

On the drive back, Harry told the driver to raise the partition so you could lean over and kiss him. You kissed all along his neck, sucking on his pulse point and nibbling on his ear. His hands were on you the whole time, kneading and squeezing making goosebumps appear on your skin.

“You’ve got lipstick all over you,” you giggled.

When you moved to rub some of it off, Harry stopped you. “Leave it. I like having you all over me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna tattoo your lips on my neck one of these days,” he said. You thought he was joking, but he said it completely straight-faced.

Laughing, you lightly pushed his cheek with your hand. “You’re crazy.”

Harry grinned and pulled you in for a kiss. “Crazy for you, lovie.”

Omg Hihi I found your blog last night and I’m so thankful that you write Latina!reader <3

I have one request!! How about taking Eddie or Steve to a Latin party? Having them experience the whole Latino party scene MAKSKSK It can be modern day!

thank you so much !!! Hope you have an amazing day <3

hi hi hi baby!! i'm so glad you liked them! i looove the concept of steve and eddie going to a latin party hehe i think i got a bit carried away but yeah <3 btw, if we have any brazilians reading this, go follow me on my side account @nanciewheelers, where i post eddie/steve content in portuguese !!

oh man, they'd be so out of place when they arrived. mainly because they were so nervous that they were the first to arrive, because they totally believed that the party would actually start at 8pm (little did they know that your guests would only arrive almost at 9) and so they distracted themselves by helping your mom settle the table and finish decorating – we're going for a kinda-fancy birthday party here, okay? and eddie would definitely steal some of the sweets and stuff them in his pocket. but i think that they only came because steve went up to eddie and said, "y/n invited me for this party... if you go, i'll go" because he was terrified of being there alone :( because he knows you're gonna be busy socializing with all the guests and won't be talking to him the whole time.

but anyways, your mom is just so happy that someone is actually helping her to finish setting the party (even though you practically made all of the decorations and food by yourself), and she makes sure to thank them all the time. "oh, you're just too sweet!", that's what she says when steve picks up a heavy dish from the kitchen and he just smiles gently at her, which only makes her swoon even more. and you just stand beside her with a how dare you? look in your face because you were there the whole time!! what about your thanks? anyways, when you walk out of the kitchen, you find eddie eating all of his stolen sweets by the food table, already looking at what he would eat next. for some weird reason i feel like he would love the rice? or maybe feijão...

ok, but when it comes to the party itself, i feel like they'd be looking like two lost puppies in the beginning, watching you hug and kiss your family members as they arrive in groups. you'd often look behind you, to one of the tables right on the corner, and see their sad faces like you just committed some type of crime before them. and as soon as you stop saying your hellos, you're walking to their table, bringing some of your cousins with you just to get them to socialize. if they speak english, that's awesome! but if they don't, then you'll be translating everything and mediating the conversation. i feel like at least one of your cousins would have something in common with the boys. like, one of them is a jock and loves basketball, so they'd discuss the nba games with steve, and the other might like heavy rock or metal and they spend the whole night talking about metallica with eddie.

but your mom would always be so worried because there's never enough food on their plate :( and you actually have to coerce steve and eddie to go to the food table, because they tell you over and over again that they won't because then they would have to pass by your dad and your tios. and to say that they're terrified of them is a lie because they are, actually, scared shitless. it doesn't help that every time you go by with the boys one of your uncles tells eddie to cut his hair (because we all have that one tio).

but i feel like they would have a really good time in the end, especially because your tias love them. absolutely in love with how helpful and sweet they are and keep asking you stuff like, "which one is your boyfriend?" and "how long have you been dating?". and when they found out that you were, in fact, not dating steve or eddie, they were outraged because how could you not?? all of their exasperation is forgotten when they put eddie to sing la barca on the karaoke though.

the next day at school, they're both wearing sunglasses to cover up the fact that they're sleeping in the middle of class because they're not used to partying 'til four in the morning <3

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oooo 5!!!

5. what are your favorite and least favorite concepts?

ooooo ah well i love the huge big over the top stuff the most. the first girlgroup i got into was everglow bc of the mv for first, it was soooo cool to me. as everyone i think knows by now i’m fairly new to kpop so all of these are recent examples but i also loooved key’s gasoline and i really enjoy all the lore and drama and shenanigans that ateez bring to their comebacks and stages. it all just feels very dramatic. i just like when there’s a lot going on.

however… i also love stuff that just seems very uniquely kpop to me. like twice couldn’t have come out of any other market… red velvet absolutely couldn’t have. nct is such a dumb fuckin concept that i enjoy them for the sheer stupidity of it all even though i never listen to any of their music. personality will also convince me though. mamamoo are like my ults after skz and it’s purely because i can see their personalities and artistic vision in their music!! same goes for (g)i-dle and a lot of soloists i like.

i kinda got into kpop because i got so BORED of western concepts… i looked at dua lipa and was like ‘ok, if this is western pop, i need something else if i want to listen to pop music’ so i don’t super adore the big gg’s atm like ive and new jeans bc they seem so… normal :/ (ive’s music is a different story, love dive is maybe the best title track of 2022 for me?? but i’m also a sucker for greek mythology so i may be biased)

this got so long!! sorry for taking this long to reply too, i really didn’t mean to!! thank you for sending this in 🥰

k-pop asks 💕

danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

176 - The Autumn Specter

Lips are the toes of the face. Welcome to Night Vale.

[spooky theme song]

It’s Halloween again, Night Vale, my favorite day of the year. As a kid, my mother used to dress my sister Abby and I in homemade costumes and take us door to door, vaguely threatening our neighbors until they gave us candy. When I was a teenager, I got a little old for trick-or-treating, so I started going to haunted houses with my friends. A lot of those haunted houses were kind of predictable with all their chain saw killers and Victorian ghost children singing nursery rhymes, who would follow you home and sing by your bed for months afterwards, but they always got to me. I loved the emotional rush of being scared. I still do. Of course, I don’t go out much to haunted houses, but I still love good old fashioned scary stories. I thought today would be a great day to share some of my favorites with you. I had my new intern, James, put together a few spooky tales that are perfect for putting you into Halloween mood.

But first, let’s have a look at the Community Calendar. This Saturday night at the New Old Night Vale Opera House, is the annual costume gala. This event is the Opera House’s largest fundraiser and one of the most prestigious costume contests in the region. A panel of judges will be on hand to determine the best costume at the ball. Last year’s winners were Joel Eisenberg and his partner Danny Jimenez, who dressed in a tandem outfit of a stegosaurus. I was there, listeners, and it was impressive! The creature was so realistic-looking. The craftsmanship of the costume was top notch, but listen, I have to confess I’m always more into high concept creativity rather than realistic details when it comes to costumes. Like I remember the 2015 gala, when Amal Shamun came dressed up as the concept of ennui. She made herself 12 feet tall, dressed in a taupe long coat, and created a constant drizzling rain inside the ball room. Anyone who looked at her got super sad and wanted a hug. But Joel and Danny’s stegosaurus was fine.

Sunday afternoon is the fall craft sale in Old Town Night Vale. An inscrutable maze of stalls showcasing the finest products from our town’s artisans. There will be cultural events for children, like finger painting classes, puppet shows, and a visit from the Autumn Specter. The Autumn Specter returns. It comes to collect its crops, with its great and sharp sickle. [creepily] It will harvest every ripe soul in Night Vale, the Autumn Specter is hungryyyy! It is Octoberr and it is timme to feeeeeee-duh.

Hey James, this Community Calendar doesn’t seem right, it’s just a bunch of stuff about the Autumn Specter. Also this font size, what-what is this 32 point? That’s just much too large. And it’s printed in red ink and that is a waste of our color toner, James. Eww, eww! This red ink is still really damp. OK, plus there’s nothing about start and end times of the craft fair, or anything about the food trucks, like if the Autumn Specter is hungry, surely it wants some falafel or Korean barbeque or tacos. James, could you just redo this story? James? James? [clears throat] Well, listeners, I don’t know where James went. Um, I can hear him breathing, but I don’t see him anywhere. Yeah, it’s fine, let’s just get onto our first spooky story.

[static, old-fashioned music] One quiet moonless night, not long ago and not so far away, a teenage girl sat in a house that was not her own. It was the home of Tony and Sheila McDowell. The girl was their babysitter, and she had just put the two young McDowell children down to sleep. The girl watched TV alone in the dark living room, only the bluish flicker of a scary movie illuminating her face. The phone rang abrupt and loud, startling her. She raised the receiver to her ear. “Hello?” she said with a slight quiver. “Have you checked on the children?” came a raspy voice. The babysitter ran quickly upstairs, opening the door of the kids’ bedroom. She flicked on the light, and there they were, fast asleep. She went back to her movie, but the phone rang again. “Haave youuu checked on the childrennn?” came the same voice, only more sinister. The babysitter again hurried upstairs, opened the door, turned on the light, and saw the children still asleep. The caller called again and again and again. “Have you checked on the children?” The babysitter, so scared, barely able to move, hung up the phone before the voice could finish its repeated query. When the phone rang once again, she answered and shouted: “Stop calling me!” But this time, it was a different voice. The person on this occasion said: “Ma’am, this is the police. We’ve traced the call. The call is coming from inside the house. Get out, get out!” The babysitter panicked and started to run, but then she remembered: she never called the police! How would they know to even trace the call? So she crept fearfully upstairs to the children’s room, and the phone was ringing again, the clamoring bell igniting her fright. And she cracked open the door and she saw- She saw the young McDowell boy and his little brother hunched over a phone and giggling! They were pranking her, and she felt relieved but embarrassed. And she told them to stop fooling around and go to sleep. And they all shared a good laugh.

Let’s have a look now at traffic. [papers rustling] Um.. OK, well I don’t seem to have a traffic report from intern James. Also James isn’t here right now, because I sent him out to go pick up lunch a few m- Oh, hey James, James, James, James – wait, why are you standing in the control booth? You were supposed to go get lunch and also I’ve asked you a couple of times not to wear that burlap bag over your head. I mean yes it looks great, with the Jack o’ Lantern face drawn onto it, I mean the mouth is a bit lopsided and the eyes are a tad uneven,  you know kinda flat and emotionless, but all in all it’s a cool look, but it’s decidedly not allowed in Station Management’s dress code. Oh, you’re holing a knife, too! So did you get- did you already get that lunch then? Well if that- if that’s the case, you don’t need to cut my sandwich in half, I’ll-I’ll take it whole. And also I need that traffic report, thanks. James? What are you waiting for, the Autumn Specter to do it for you? [chuckles] Hop to it! James?

[clears throat] Well, while James is working on that, let’s get back to my favorite spooky Halloween stories. This one isn’t a story so much as a fun Halloween game. The legend of Bloody Mary.

According to the lore, if you turn off all the lights, and stare into a mirror, repeating “Bloody Mary” three times in a row, she will appear and tear your face off! I’ve never tried this because I don’t own any mirrors, but my husband Carlos conducted this very experiment in his science lab. He said he darkened the room and repeated the name and nothing happened for a long time. But then a figure of a woman appeared, silvery gray and shimmering, and she approached Carlos slowly, her hollow white eyes never blinking. She brought her face only inches from Carlos and said: “Are you for real?” And Carlos said yes, he was indeed – real. And Bloody Mary said: “OK because this time of year, I just get a bunch of giggling, screaming teenagers, and I’m really tired of ripping off their faces for no pay whatsoever!” And Carlos gave her some resources for starting a union and she thanked him and she offered to tear his face off in exchange for the consulting, but Carlos said no, he liked his face, and wisher her luck. Night Vale, pay your malevolent spirits! They’re overworked especially around Halloween. And a 20 per cent gratuity for poltergeists, phantasms, revenants, and ghosts is standard.

And now for t- what the, oh you- [papers rustling] Wait, OK. You know, I thought intern James had handed the traffic report to me, but this is just a piece of parchment with a 9-pointed star seemingly drawn by a finger dripped in blood. And then there are a series of ancient runes scrawled around the outer edges. Now I took runic in college. I mean, most of my friends took Spanish as their language, but I thought living here in the American Southwest, it would be more useful to study ancient Scandinavian and Germanic alphabets. And from what I can make out, these are a message about the return of the Autumn Specter. Ugh, alright. OK. I love that intern James loooves Halloween and whatever this the Autumn Specter is. In fact, James is still in the break room right now construction a sacred totem out of ash tree branches and twine. He’s been muttering to himself all day in a language that I don’t recognize, and the only words I can understand are “Autumn Specter”. But I still have neither my traffic report nor my lunch! Wait, do you think James is… Naah, put it out or you mind, Cecil.

Let’s tell another spooky Halloween story. There once was a beautiful young woman who wore a green ribbon around her neck. She won the affection of a handsome young man. They fell in love and one day the boy asked the girl why she always wore a green ribbon around her neck. She would not tell him. One day the man and the woman were to become husband and wife. In her white bridal dress, the woman still wore her green ribbon. The man asked her on their wedding night if he could untie the green ribbon, but even on the  most intimate of evenings, she said no, and he respected her answer. But he longed to know what she was hiding behind the ribbon. Through the years, the man asked the wife again about the ribbon, but she never removed it, nor answered his questions about it. She only warned him that he would not like what he saw if she were to remove it. He asked less and less, but his curiosity grew and grew. And they became old, very old, and they knew their time left was short. The man asked one more time: “My dearest wife, love of my life, tell me that I may remove the green ribbon from around your neck.” And the old woman said: “My adoring groom, here in our room after all these many years, yes you may. But I caution you, as I have many times before, that you shall not like what your eyes behold.” The man hesitated, but finally reached his weakened, wrinkled fingers to the green bow along her nape. And he tentatively pulled the ribbon, and suddenly it unfurled, falling from her neck, and the man gasped. Upon her neck was a series of ornate letters spelling out “GOTH LIFE”. The woman said: “I got this tattoo in high school but kind of outgrew it and it’s super embarrassing.” And the man replied: “It is for sure weird, but also pretty cool. I like it.” And she never wore the green ribbon again.

You know, listeners, I’d love to bring you that traffic report, but right now, um, I’m facing something much more urgent and more dire. My studio door has opened on its own, and as I turned around, I could see down the long faintly lit corridor of our offices. And at the end of the hallway stands a figure, and he wears a Jack o’ Lantern mask, his head crooked to one side like a dog asking a question or like a hanged man, or both. And it is intern James, and he holds a long knife and he walks, he walks slowly toward me. And he is speaking at first in a mutter, but now louder, a strange shout in an obscure tongue like a magician casting a wicked spell, and he is moving much faster toward me, like a limping run, and his blade is raised high, and James is not an intern, Night Vale, bu the Autumn Specter itself come to reap my soul!

But before he does that, Let me take you to the weather.

[“Welterweight” by Nels Andrews. https://nelsandrews.bandcamp.com/]

So. During the weather, I went to human resources and requested a file on intern James. Oh I’m fine, by the way, and James is not the Autumn Specter, but I’ll get to that. So I found a copy of James’ résumé and cover letter for the position of radio station intern. His application was originally submitted in 1845. “That’s almost two centuries ago!” I exclaimed, but according to HR, they’re pretty backlogged on the intern apps. “What are you gonna do, we get to them when we get to them,” they said from the bottom of their abandoned well. Paperclipped to James’ application was a wrinkled and yellowed news clipping from the Night Vale °Daily Journal, and the article says that James died on Halloween night in 1849 when he was hit by a train. I then went to the hall of public records and found that our radio station was built in 1950, atop the very train tracks where James met hi send. James’ soul has been wandering the halls and offices of our radio station ever since. For all James ever wanted was to be a radio intern. To serve the listening community, to lift high the voice of journalistic truth. And it was his death that led to the shutdown of those train tracks and the eventual construction of a new station home, and the building we still use now. So I was wrong about James. He was an intern, after all, and not a malevolent Halloween spirit.

But I was right that the Autumn Specter had come for me. For when I turned to see James running down the hill, I did not notice the Autumn Specter behind me, with its bony hands and scarecrow mouth, and I did not notice its soul reaping sickle, which it had raised high above its oversized head and stick thin body. And James had given his life for the building of our radio station, and in death, gave his soul for the very same cause. And James threw himself upon the Autumn Specter, and he tried to stab the Specter’s neck and chest, but it-it- it did nothing. And the Spectre pushed James aside and then turned its black coal eyes upon me. And it raised its curved blade once again and swung! I tried to duck, but was too slow. And just as the sickle’s edge reached my face, James dove in front of it and vanished in a burst of white flame, as he was struck. And the room was empty and the Autumn Specter was gone too.

To the family and friends of intern James, he was… an OK intern. Not always on  top of his writing deadlines, but he literally sacrificed his soul for our radio station. I can’t bring you a traffic report today, but I will live to bring you one tomorrow.  If we find a new intern. And HR tells me that we have hundreds of candidates, although  most of them are not yet aware that they are candidates.

Stay tuned next for our new cooking competition show, “Flay Bobby Flay”.

And as always, Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: The road to hell is paved with cobblestone. It’s super bumpy, not at all comfortable, and really bad for your car’s suspension.

tma fic recs? i went into ao3 and it was a mess

yeah it’s been slow-going for me too because of the amount of freak shit people post/have posted, as well as the fact that a lot of the high-kudos’d jm fics are from before s4 really ramped up their relationship development. and i’ve found i can get pretty picky about martin’s characterization. here’s a couple i’ve read and liked

(now with a read more because it’s gotten long) (updated 2/15/20)

the umbrella (4.6k) - mag160 fixit, probably my favorite fixit so far. includes canon-level non-graphic blinding. but it has a happy ending. it’s tma, i don’t need things to be light and fluffy all the time, i’m good with canon level darkness yk? as long as there’s a happy ending and the gays’ love for each other is pure.

feel the done days and you’re pulling through (1.8k) - jon deprogramming from being an avatar. living a very domestic and idyllic life. it’s adorable

all resistance wearing thin (4.7k) - ok this is the ONLY web!martin concept ive ever liked. bc it doesn’t make martin a crazy villain hes still himself and hes just NICE he LOVES people (aka jon). and we all like to indulge in a bit of mutually obsessive love. happy ending :)

some invitation of light (4k) - i love the joke that “martin is proof that playing hard to get works,” and this fic is in line with that. i’m picky about jealousy in fics but this one was enjoyable

ways to save the world (19.3k) - oooooogh urghhhhh jon gets trapped in the lonely and martin communicates to him through passages of poetry… im a total sucker for epistolary fics and this one was so GOOD

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above all shadows (4.3k) - canon divergent from s4, written before the finale. very fairytale esque. theres some paragraphs in this that made me go HAM

catch and release (2.3k) - pre canon divergence au where theyre both avatars being spooky and doing a back and forth. martin is full lonely and jon got RAISED BY SPIDERS. somewhat edgy but in a fun way. we love creepy shit

agate, amber, amethyst (994) - short sweet and soppy. magpie jon is so utterly charming to me.

reciprocity (1.9k) - short and sweet caretaking stuff. both these bitches need to sleep.

always a reason (1.7k) - we love jon taking care of martin!! as he deserves!

pl: nuclei; but you only need one, anyway. (1.1k) - s3 phone calls with jon asking martin for research help. timezones. jon trying to stretch those “i care about you” muscles

1. can’t be helped (5.3k) 2. rituals (8.4k) - two fics in a series. very monster boyfriend. the first is martin losing his emotions to the lonely. the second is martin getting them back, but jon has been subsumed by The Archivist, which is figuring out what martin means to it. there was a moment in the second that made me go a little whoa hey! it was the archivist compelling martin. but it wasn’t anywhere near enough to make me stop reading. they were good, heartrending reads.

misshapes, mistakes, monsters (7.9k) - jon takes martin as his plus one to an oxford reunion. an enjoyable read, along with an almost cartoonishly villainous posh man. pining! “it’s nice to feel like i’m something worth protecting” arrrghhhh

small things, simple acts (6.6k) - post-159 fic. bookmarked this one! because they LOVE each other and TRY SO HARD for each other!!!! jon buys martin a stuffed cow because he saw martin looking at it and theyre TRYING for it. “There are a lot of things that Jon can’t give him, like safety or a normal life. But he can absolutely get him a stuffed toy just because he looks like he wants it.”

i’m almost me again, you’re almost you (12.9k) - you know when you try to feel feelings and it’s like touching a hot stove? that’s what martin does this whole fic as he’s recovering from the lonely and jon is being so achingly sweet and good with him, but martin can’t 1. deal with it just yet 2. believe that jon loves him back. post-159 fic. god. READING it felt like touching a hot stove, or stepping into warm bathwater with cold feet. jesus christ. excellent

fate, or something (107.8k) - this is that 100k blind date s1 canon divergence au, and i tried it out and i LOVED IT. martin has a spine! it’s just so sweet. they’re friends! martin works with melanie for ghost hunt uk! a great read. it’s that sloooowwww burn shit.

forever is composed of nows (5.9k) - jon meets martin (a single dad) and martin’s daughter (agnes! who had good writing for a child in a fanfiction) in the library and things grow from there. this fic is SO CUTE. it’s wonderful. i literally had to take breaks while reading it to make wild animal noises because i couldn’t deal with it. god. it’s so good. UGH (thanks to @infernallegaycy for the rec!)

and i won’t pray for an unfilled grave (5.9k) - daisy after coming out of the buried. daisira and daisy&melanie bonding. WOMENNNNN I LOVE WOMEN

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hello my old heart (15.8k) - jess @thedistortion, the person who got me into tma and a dear pal, wrote this, and their brain is utterly huge and good. i love this so much. a deeply excellent post-159 fic that i would also say is pre-160. so many parts of this make me gasp and clutch my chest! but it also has an excellent realism to it. spiders that enrage me. please read.

yesterday is here (26.6k+, WIP) - post-canon jon and martin travel back in time and hang out with the pre-canon crew and attempt to make everything better. guaranteed happy ending. it’s so sweet watching jon be so kind and gentle and Better At People with his coworkers and make things right - and the s1 jon and martin fumble at seeing their extremely married and Knowing counterparts.

a measure outside the lines (22.9k) - i looove post-159 fics that show that martin hasn’t been completely severed from the lonely and still really struggles with it. this one is EXCELLENT at it. there’s some moments in this one that just made me totally ache because oh… oh martin. it’s so wonderful and has such excellent emotional catharsis

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interlude (7.8k) - s3 au where georgie meets martin over facetime with jon! makes me wistful for the friendship they could have had without all the coping mechanisms in the way. the fond teasing is very cute. the pining! the banter! the slips of the tongue! very, very enjoyable.

skin deep (3.1k) - another s3 au where georgie meets martin on better terms - she calls him for help after jon’s meeting with jude (as jon’s locked himself in his room). the way jon leans on martin and lets him in and just… the way he behaves around him. very sweet.

bury my heart on the coals (3.6k+, WIP) - au where martin was one of gertrude’s assistants who is now a ghost haunting the archives. i’m enjoying how he’s so judgmental of jon and all the little signs of Haunting that jon and the assistants are experiencing.

nor any more youth or age than there is now (6.5k) - outsider pov of jon being a primary school teacher in scotland post 159!! so, so sweet. i LOVE outsider pov stories and this one is so good. jon using his powers to protect his students and displaying all that character growth he’s had… the glimpses of his domestic life with martin… it’s adorable. please check it out.

take sides in divided cells (3.4k) - in an idyllic domestic post-canon, martin’s father tries to reconnect with him. from jon’s pov, so it’s a lot of him worrying about martin and then being protective. oof! oof! emotional hurt/comfort.

pieces of you stuck on me (1.9k) - spy au. a little snapshot - i enjoy all the implied backstory going on. the thrill! the longing! the suspense! and i’m generally a sucker for spy aus, i’ll be real.

be kind, i beg you (14.9k) - post 159. oh this one is so achey… i love it. jon obsessing over “loved is past tense” and trying so hard to be Good to martin, while martin deals with mood swings from his recent emotional traumas. they try really hard and are very domestic, talk about gardening, and clean up the safehouse. LOVED THIS.

merkleymrack replied to your post “kinda a funny shtick of mine that i’m aro and have such strong takes...”

(1)i agree with u 100%, i think love is hyped up so much, partially because people looove the narrative that love can save you in some way. whether that's saving you from evil, from your shitty environment, from mental illness, from sadness, or from yourself. and that is basically bullshit. "love" as a mystical force and chemical attraction between 2 people doesn't and can't do any of that. real relationships forged over time, based on trust and compromise and a fundamen-

2) tally optimistic outlook on life can help you deal with life, but that's not as snappy. and i think this ties in nicely with what you pointed out about love being perceived as isolating (in a positive way almost) by lots of people: it is because they are co-dependent and attracted to this toxic relationship because it feeds the narrative that "love" is all they need to be happy or to be saved. thats my hot take of the day

talk series criticizing Romahnce, every thursday at 6

for real though let me accuse capitalism some more for Not Great Ideas About Romantic Love b/c like!! that’s basically all you’re allowed to look for in terms of reliable companionship and Any kind of close relationship from your peers. b/c the Nuclear Family is the imposed social unit of choice b/c extended families don’t allow for enough isolation / cut-off support networks......you Outgrow the nuclear family you were born into, and then you’d better find your romantic partner asap to start the next generation nuclear family, because you’re not gonna get other support / community anywhere else, better enjoy having friends before everyone righteously pairs off and sees each other way less, because it’s Totally Fine to have all of your time -> energy -> identity -> existence consumed by just your roles as Parent and Spouse

not to mention like, whenever people of any relationship status are super overworked and like, especially with having unreliable / inconsistent schedules that don’t line up and needing to work a thousand hours a week to scrape by, people have less time to spend with each other and to foster those connections when they’re like always At Work or exhausted and recovering from work or, when they Do have some free time, it doesn’t like up with the free time of their friends’..........like hmm too bad there’s not One Person who is super devoted to Just You and can always make time and prioritize You, Alone.......

Life Under Capitalism is dehumanizing and alienates everyone from each other and doesn’t value life and commodifies anything that people might find adds Value To Their Life and like, our grievances and suffering is just Personal Problems that need to be fixed through our Personal Choices, b/c community is strangled off, isolation is pushed, and you need to Have Money or Die, and there’s the idea that the Way Things Are is flawed but ultimately okay and works out for good people............and it all brings it around to like, the idea that actually Finding Romance is *all* that life is about and is the one route to happiness. like, this concept is just casually trotted out in whatever media as blatantly as that, that “what’s even the point of being alive if you don’t find that Special Someone” and everyone just kinda goes “huh, yeah, that’s true...” like, it’s just Fine to accept that life is a hellscape and you’d want to die if it wasn’t for this one nice magical thing (your true love(tm))......like, maybe there’s a problem with that? we shouldn’t all just accept that life is unbearable but romance is the sole cure? and it’s not even really Anti-Capitalist when a holiday movie / any romcom is all like “this career person thinks that Love is for suckers and only making money is good, but then eventually their romantic interest shows them otherwise and they realize that said romance / a dash of Family is actually what Really matters” b/c it’s just like.......hey don’t be upset that you can’t actually Get Ahead under capitalism!! the people who are making more money than you are unhappy, i promise! it’s fine that you aren’t really succeeding Financially, b/c you have Love, so be happy with that and don’t think that there’s any systemic issue here.

anyways and like yeah of course it does probably seem to people like Romance is the only thing that can improve [insert any bad situation about their lives] because what even else is offered to people, seemingly, right......it’s like, first of all i hope you have a good relationship with your Nuclear Family, b/c they’re the only ones who will be Unconditionally There For You......but even if you do, it’s not like those people can be Everything in your life........and re: friends it’s like, well, i hope you’ve made super lasting friendships in high school and/or college, cuz after you enter The Working World good luck making new friendships!!! even if you do you’ll drift apart b/c nobody has time to nurture the relationship!!!! meanwhile of course everyone should be looking for romance, and hey, that will transform your life and enable you to endure all the other miserable everyday shit you go through, b/c the one person who matters cares about you. and they’d better b/c that’s the only really strong mutually supportive “unconditional” relationship you’re guaranteed! clearly!!!

like of course positive relationships of any kind tend to Improve Someone’s Life......of course isolation makes everything worse for anyone......it’s not like a good romantic relationship SHOULDN’T improve stuff for people, but like, no way should it be the case that romance is the ONE THING available and it better fix fuckin Everything or else you’re on your own when it comes to dealing with those problems that Aren’t improved and if you can’t deal with it on your own you’re fucked, cuz it’s romance or nothing!!!! it would be totally convenient to like, be deeply in love asap and have that make everything amazing and hopefully it’s ur life partner so that you don’t have to worry about Struggling On Your Own like..........a romantic relationship is really all that looks to be on the table according to the Life Narrative that’s pushed really hard. and defining that romance as “this person will always be there for you for Anything and you’ll always be there for them and you’ll always be happy as long as you’re With Each Other” is really Something when life under capitalism guarantees no happiness nor for anyone to be there for you or care about you or help you otherwise

like yeah Friends are nice but they’re kind of sold as the nice optional bonus, or like, they’re there for you but you don’t have to be there for them, low maintenance ideally, and if they drift away when you don’t spend time on them or support them then that’s fine as long as you’ve got that romantic partner b/c that’s how romance is so often defined, as being More than any other relationship, like, hey i don’t Need anything else, i don’t Need anyone else, it’s fine if i only have you, for some reason we gotta view relationships as Tiered and know which one’s you’d consider disposable if you put them all through a winner-take-all tournament bracket.......brilliant approach which is totally fine if the agenda is “give people One Good Relationship with One person which must fulfill their existence and fix everything lacking” like ok

i mean there it alll comes back around to going “augh jesus christ” at Isolation packaged as romance where it’s like “[as long as Romance] it’s fine if i die, it’s fine if i don’t have anyone or anything else, it’s fine if we never engage with the world or talk to anyone else again”.......like fuck!!!! this is horrible!!!!!! god!!!!!! Isolation is Bad gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and abuse overlaps sooooo hard with isolation, and you’ve got that deliberately isolating tactic that abusive partners pull that like, you can’t spend time with family and friends, it’s me vs. them, and you should always be prioritizing More Time With Me and be perfectly happy with *Only* our relationship or you don’t *really* love me..........but then this same sort of Concept will be just be touted as Ideal Romance as long as both people are cool with it lol!!! like, i don’t even Want to be around or think about anyone else, this one person is my whole Life And World, other loved ones who????? it’s Just Us now and hopefully forever, #sweet

like it’s pretty Effed Up that people have to feel like there’s only one way to expect someone to ever be at all devoted to them or really care about / understand / support them and that’s through having a Current Great Romantic Relationship, which must and should be *everything*..........like, everything i think abt “this idea about romance seems awful” is about like........romance shouldn’t be this way for even people who currently have that kind of relationship, and it should Always Be Fine to be single, even if you want / hope for a romantic relationship.........i’m keenly aware that snagging a Romantic Relationship seems like the only way to have someone committed to being On Your Side and paying attention to your existence every day. but really of course that shouldn’t be the case......and when a romance IS had, why is it worse to have a grounded view of it like, when people compare it moreso to friendships rather than to being some kind of magical bond which effortlessly yields Everything You Need In Life, so now you don’t have to care about anything or anybody else

sounds mean or Cold or whatever to be like well the way i see it is that “romance is unnecessary” but i mean, first off it is, you don’t Need it and some people don’t want it. but imo it’s not Bad to see it as just like, a sick bonus, a really awesome thing if you want it and it happens, but like, of course life isn’t Worthless or Ruined if someone who Wants a partner is single / becomes single. like, ideally Being Single regardless of whether you want that to be permanent or not should actually be enough on its own for anyone to be happy!! nobody should Need to have a partner to be happy / feel like their life is okay the way it is. like, is it not actually more ~romantic~ or whatever to feel like okay, i would be fine and happy with being single, but i would rather be with this other person because i Want to be, but i don’t Need this relationship to be okay. vs. the whole like i *need* this relationship type “that’s the puppetmaster who cursed my dick” approach where it’s like, god believe me this isn’t my idea but i MUST be with you, i’m miserable without you so i basically have no choice, this is like, the universe holding me at gunpoint. why not have choosing to be with someone just like “yeah i prefer this to Not being with you and i think it improves my life overall” without anyone having to feel like it’s their only option for happiness

anyways i really can’t imagine the concept of like, a Romance just absolutely cutting down all these other aspects of your life b/c you don’t care about / Need that shit anymore being an at-all pleasant or appealing concept versus like, it just being its own positive relationship that enhances everything and Doesn’t become your sole source for so much shit like validation and commitment and intimacy and support / help and companionship and etc etc etc etc etc etc

i’m sure this isn’t the only tangent i forgot to throw in somewhere else but everyone knows my “'teen angst’ is largely comprised of anticapitalist sentiment in the face of the hellscape and cognitive dissonance of adult life under capitalism and YA media deals with this and the struggle to find genuine connection and value in everyday existence" takes, well, it’s kinda wild how it’s basically a requirement for any YA work to have a thread of Romance running central to the whole thing. not like that doesn’t happen in other Genres, and not like some works don’t lean into that way harder than others, and not like every main char Ends Up with the/a love interest at the end, but it’s like, jeez. imo supports my idea that romance is Supposed to be *the* panacea for the ailments of capitalism

This is very long and unplanned

Well, hello

So, I diverge from my parents. Like most adolescents, I do, yes, disagree with my parents. I know, I know, shocker.

I find it to be very scary, really. Suddenly, those who always had the answer don't have it anymore. And, once again, the fact that there is no certainty in life slaps me in the face again and again and again. Sometimes I worry I'll never get used to it, to life. I feel as if no one really does, but I don't think this is the uplifting mantra I want to carry throughout my existence. "No one will ever understand what we are supposed to do, because we aren't supposed to do anything!" Living isn't supposed to be meaningful, not by default. But I do know that the only one who can attribute meaning to life is the individual living it.

The fact that we are all individuals is the reason there will never be true peace. No, we're too different, all of us, in so many ways. This doesn't mean we can't coexist with those differences, but I don't believe there's any plausible scenario (and by that I mean, no thought reforming BS or total human annihilation) where everyone is quiet and happy. This is one beautiful and terrifying thing about humans, we're bound to noise, never to silence.

A community, whether we like it or not, is not homogeneous. It's a bunch of individuals that are scrunched together and not mixing, no matter how hard some try. Every single one of us is just weirdly unique, with our own objectives, likes, dislikes, good and not so good facts and beliefs. We're all just existing, and we all have the right to since we all have value. To exist is, supposedly, very valuable in itself.

I'll get to the value of a human being and MY OWN VALUE as a human being eventually, don't worry. I looove rambling in tiresome texts.

But let's get to the point, at least the initial one: Should all people be allowed to exist? Or, at least, should people be able to experience freedom or is it more secure to tame it in some capacity?

Now, what do I mean about that?

My parents are not anti-racists, they also are quite careless when it comes to cute 2020 surprise, Corona, and my dad is quite unfond of concepts such as feminism. Ok, they do sound like idiots, and that worries me because they're not. And it kills me that I can't love them less for it.

I came to the conclusion that one can't end an idea. Ideas are created and exist, immortal, but not undiscussable. Therefore, racism or sexism or any bad-ism will never end, as long as there's someone out there that truly believes it, or some kind of registration, either being through manuscripts and historical papers of some sort or just through the impact the past makes in the present and future (as a 16-year-old, my conclusions are not mind-blowing, they're mostly stupid and lame and not original).

And those bad-isms exist because of the conflict we, humans, will never get rid of. Bad-isms exist because some believe that others, different from them, shouldn't exist, or are not correct, or are inferior to them for some reason. Basically, you shouldn't exist, because you're not like me. And to disagree with those is plausible, right? Everybody should have the right to exist, even if harmony is unachievable. RIght?

That's when you get movement, revolution, opposition, which is great. Not easy nor pretty, even though some think so (yes, I'm looking at you, miss ˜I-Like-Romanticising-History". Did you enjoy Hamilton?) Those people who were massively mistreated through the course of human existence are screaming, and the world starts to notice their voice. And it's just so fucking amazing, even if things aren't fixed, and most likely never will. Things are slowly getting better. Hurray!

Hurray?

Now, I'm no expert in social sciences. Actually, I'm no expert in anything, I'm sixteen. But it is bizarre to see how people have a hard time looking past their own nose. Me included, obviously, but let's talk about that later. Ok, things got better, but they're not good. It's not very difficult to find some numbers stating how many black people die every day because of cop violence, or how many women are being abused every day in any social sphere they're inserted in, or how many trans people are beaten to death every day because of their identity. And that's me not remembering many, many other examples of how things are not alright. We're not walking on sunshine. However, to those who do not really experience any of it, or care to know about it, this is very foreign. Those are people who look at the past, think "Yikes. Good thing the world is not like that anymore!", and go live their lives carelessly. They don't see anything wrong with the now, now is good, and they don't understand how there are people who are still complaining! Hello-o, you got your rights, shut up already!

That, gentleladies and gentlemen and gentlenon-binary, is my father.

And that same father feels like he has no right to be wrong, or of disagreeing with people. He's terrified of the idea of limitation of freedom, he thinks it will lead to some kind of new dictatorship, and "they" are already working on it - "They" being the masterminds behind a to-be controlled world of some sort. Therefore, according to my dad, we can't get someone arrested for thinking the most absurd or saying the most absurd, because 1. They haven't done anything tangible yet, 2. Even if they're complete and utterly disgusting, they have the right of believing and saying whatever they want.

I feel as if this is the main ideological conflict we have nowadays (I'm not sure, I don't know way too much about the world to have an opinion, but we'll go back to that too). We have people who want to diminish, control, or even exterminate others, but, if they don't effectively do anything, should they be punished? As someone who isn't affected by many of the violence in the world today, I don't know.

Because I know there's nothing I can do to stop it from happening, bad-isms are always going to be there, but we need to keep trying to make them almost nonexistent. But then, you can't convince people, or explain to them, the damages of something through violence. This type of change can't happen through force, because it won't clarify anything to those who don't know or don't care. This doesn't mean passivity, but it means effective dialogue and loads of patience and, honestly, that's really hard too. I don't think there will be many people willing to persist in a (most likely) one-sided conversation with their abusers. And that's to say that all people can be convinced, which is not the case at all! People are stubborn, especially when they're talking about something they feel deeply about, such as their moral compass or their beliefs.

I'm afraid I advocate for different types of resistance or social change because I don't know what it feels like. Because I don't understand suffering. I understand anger, sadness, and guilt, but not suffering. Not truly. And then, I must not forget that I have been raised by my parents, who believe that yes, anyone can be proven wrong, and yes, you should be able to think freely, no matter how disgusting what you think about is. And I thought I agreed with that too until the day I realized I'm terrified of judgment, and again the day of the racist episode in my school happened.

Some guys had a Whatsapp group. I have no idea what they talked about usually, but I, and the entirety of my city (and the internet, obviously), got to see bits of a terrifying conversation. They were talking about what girls they would rape, but then they got to one in particular. Since she was black, she was worth less than a piece of gum, raping her was disgusting, she would smell awful and they would prefer to sell her on the internet. You know, like a slave. LOL.

People can be inhuman sometimes. Later, I would discuss this episode with my parents. It was sort of inevitable since it was all over the news, but it made me feel awful. Because "Hell, they're kids! Stupid kids, but they didn't do anything. Everything could be racism then, you know? Who is to judge what is and isn't? What will they do next, invade our privacy? Check if we are or aren't conforming to what 'they' believe is right? People say stupid shit all the time! What will 'they' do, arrest everyone?" Holy shit, the way they diminished the situation, the way they made it about something else! I know they don't agree with the kids, but what the fuck, no empathy at all? "The girl must hear that every day, she's fine" FUCK, WHAT ABOUT THAT IS FINE??

And then, well, I realized I'm not my parents. And then I realized I still love them. A lot. And that scares me. I hope I'm not a victim of unconditional love, it makes you accept the unacceptable. But I love my parents, and it will take more than them ignoring human suffering for me to stop. Like, my dad voted (and seems to be in love with) for a guy who thinks "people like me" should be beaten as a child to "take the gay out of them", and I still love him. It is fucking terrifying.

Then, I get to one of my greatest self-doubts. Am I critical of violent methods of action because, deep down, I believe there should be no action? People should just exist? What is the best next step to coexisting? Should voices be shut by the voiceless? Are voiceless shutting anyone up? Should people care or not? If we don't care, there's eternal apathy, but if we do, there's just a great war of interest. What is right? Who determines what is right? Can people be wrong if being wrong means suffering? Am I scared of knowing things because then I'll have to acknowledge I'm really, truly horrible and have been doing everything wrong? Am I that scared of disagreeing with what I believe is true? Of what people I respect and want to like me believe is true?

Unanswered. I think. I don't know.

Hi, I'm someone highly dependent on others' opinions about me. Not so long ago, I noticed that I lie. All the time. To the point I don't remember things I said, or can't keep up with them. 'Cause I need to be liked. I need so much to be liked I don't think I have opinions I haven't borrowed from other people. I can't act by myself, I feel the need of having someone tell me what to do, what is right, what is wrong, how to live. Shit, I ruined my friendship with the only people I talked to in 5 years because I projected all my insecurities and a sense of right and wrong on them and then blamed them for it. And now, while I'm trying to stop some of my bad habits, such as lying, I am so lost. So, so lost. And I don't know if that's because I lost my sense of identity once those who told me how to be are not there anymore or because this is me. Actually me. And I hate it. I feel as if anyone I knew before now was just meeting a facade.

I don't like what I used to like anymore. I don't read, don't draw, don't write, only sing when at the verge of tears, almost never listen to music, don't dance alone at 3 A.M., don't make pancakes, can't stand my birds, haven't changed clothes in almost a month, don't seem to find the most hilarious shit funny. I'm giving cooking a try, it's been very fun when I'm alone. That's another thing: being alone sucks, but it's how I want to be 99% of the time.

I always struggled with feeling good about myself. Because the bits that I knew were entirely me never seemed appealing to most people. Sometimes I can't stand myself so much that I make myself stop thinking, fearing that someone might think my thoughts are uninteresting. I never felt so uninteresting in my life. My biggest thrill recently has been planning how to organize the notes in my binder, and I'm not even good at it. If I could, I would shut up forever, because I never know what to say. I'm terrible at it, convos. Recently, I had this breakdown because I was searching "How to talk to people" on Youtube. I never felt so pathetic, so useless… So I cried for about 3 hours.

Actually, I always feel as if I am wrong. Nothing I do is ever right. It's very fun, this constant feeling that everybody hates you and is just keeping up with your bullshit since they're too polite to just say "You suck". It's so weird that I'm constantly telling myself that if people knew the truth about me, I would be completely alone. So I'm constantly telling myself how I should just cut everyone out of my life so they don't have to waste so much on me. And it's all in my head but if I don't talk to anyone, it'll come true, but if I do talk, people will just realize how much of a piece of shit and nothing I am.

My therapist once told me that I'm not obliged to be entertaining all the time and that I can be boring, but the truth is that I don't know anything. I am very much filled with just air and, if I don't make things up, people will be just stuck there with absolutely nothing. And then leave. And it will be all my fault, as it usually is.

I think the most pathetic recent thing I've done is to become possessive of this pillow I have. I use it to feel less lonely at night, sometimes I like to pretend it is my boyfriend and just hold it real tight (not really because then "I would be crushing him"). God, I've cried so much against this pillow and slept with it so much to the point I can't sleep unless I'm hugging something. And, sometimes, when my sister lies in the bed with me, I don't let her lie on top of it. Do you know when children have those clothes they get really attached to? I feel like that. Memory Boy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if it's creepy. But it is the truth.

By the way, I'm so sorry if I talk too much and don't give you the chance to talk. Or if I'm never talking to you. This seems contradictory, but I miss you so fucking much and I really love you. I'm really sorry I'm not present, I'm just not myself enough or interesting and I really don't want you to see me like this.

My family is not really respecting the quarantine, and they convinced me to go out with them a few times. And I hate it. So much. I become paranoid that I'm part of the problem and I'll kill someone or that people will know that I'm out and scream with me and hate me and judge me and hate me. And my fucking dad thinks everything is fine and dandy and if he goes out without a mask he won't infect anyone and if he gets infected and dies it's fine because life goes on without him and this whole thing will be over in no time he can show you the fucking numbers because only 100 people are dying per day in this state, isn't this great? People are still dying, my dad doesn't seem to care because "you do you. If there are some idiots who don't care, let them die. Why does it concern you?" as if this isn't a situation where your actions affect the people around you and as if I shouldn't care if people die and as if I shouldn't care if my own fucking father dies because "they chose to do so to themselves". Fucking amazing. Thanks, Dad, I'm so less worried now.

And, when I refuse to go out, my family blames me for being no fun at all or "having a phobia of the outside.", since I have absolutely no reason not to go, everything is fine and dandy now, shopping malls are reopening and there's no way a second wave could happen, no sir. And, when I do go out, I try to wear things I would never wear and avoid phones so there's no proof I was outside. And, when I come back, I start searching for pictures of me between those pictures taken of people outside and feeling guilty, so guilty for going because if I didn't want to go, I could have not gone. And then I'll feel terrible and hate myself and cry and want to hurt myself, even though I won't. And just feel bad for it forever because it's my fault that I went outside and I could have just stayed, why didn't I stay, now everyone will hate me so much and I'll have contributed to the death statistics in my country and people will call me out for it and hate and never talk to me again and I'll have killed someone and made their family miserable and it will be all my fucking fault as usual because I could keep my ass home.

And oh my god, I'm so great. I'm so completely fine, I have nothing to worry about and I keep creating problems when I could just shut up. Sometimes I feel as if my feelings are wrong and far too much so I try to pretend they don't exist because, well, they shouldn't. I have no real reason to feel as sad or angry as I do all the time, especially when there are people with real problems out there and I'm just shoving the fucking great life I have against their faces and pretending as if it is the worst. When, actually, I make up all my problems and I should just stop whining and just be fucking happy already because I have no reason to feel sad and angry. I just wrote down some things that are on my mind but they're so fine and not a problem at all. I just really hate being too much.

Honestly, I usually re-read my letters to correct it and make it coherent, but I won't this time. I seriously blacked out while writing this and just am not willing to revisit right now. I've been writing this for three days now and, most of it I did in a row. Spent two days in the beginning and then an entire day just vomiting words nonstop. I'm sorry if it was long.

idk like I hope you find someone who you're compatible with and has the same values as you and loves just as hard as you because it sucks when the other person doesn't care nearly as much as you do. But I hope you never change because the type of person you are is so rare but it's what we need the most in this world. And I also hope that while you're trying your best for everyone else that there is at least one person trying their best for you. I love you. You are so cute. Thoughts are scrambled

me too!! that’s what i want and what i deserve and it’s hard for me to find that in relationships because i’m so picky and am 1) sensitive 2) want to be in LOOOVE3) don’t ever want to settle for less, i want to be as comfortable and for things to be easy, love doesn’t have to be difficult even though there will be difficult times and yeah? finding someone with the same values is so important to me because it’s kind of weird to be dating someone and find out they’re offensive or mean for no reason or doesn’t laugh at my jokes (ok personal criteria). and also i just read a bit more and i started tearing up about how much you get me… everything you said is literally all i want and like i wish people were nicer too it’s kind of weird for me cause i’m not good socially so meeting people who are so different from the way i perceive the world is strange and i never fit in because i’m always too naive or too cynical 😪 i like the sweet spot where all my actions are just based around caring about others and doing things that aren’t objectively good all the time but like… kind… y'know? loving. i also hope i find someone who is good to me like that too it discourages me to put so much effort and investment into people even if it doesn’t seem like it because i get embarrassed, i usually think about them all the time and i wish someone would like do that for me too that’s… a+ concept. i love you too you’re so cute and we’re on the same boat cause mine are too but sorry for the long winded response i got sort of into it 😰

tl;dr: i love you and am so thankful that you realized things about me and conveyed concepts i love that is so thoughtful and god everything you said was so… engaging and interesting and on line with the kind of thoughts i think about all the time