to-future-self - Tumblr blog

to-future-self · 4 years

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Fun.

finger can-can activated HELLO MY BABY HELLO MY HONEY HELLO MY RAGTIME GAAAAAAAL

When searching for the name "can-can", I wrote kick line dance

The command for your Browser History is Ctrl+H

Today I whipped so hard my feet hurt and scared my sister

"Beauty School Dropout" and "No One Likes The Opening Band" are the fucking same. Please tell me you agree. No, actually, please disagree. I'd like to be sane in the future.

BUM BUM BUM SE INSCREVAM BUM BUM BUM NO CA-NAL

I stopped drawing finger puppets and it SUCKS. This, among many other quarantine realisations, made me question my identity. And I wish I was kidding, but no. I don't do the usual stupid shits I used to.

I am having so much fun cooking... as long as I'm alone. Otherwise I'm just not a pleasurable company. Mostly because I don't want to be judged, as usual. But, like, I like talking and singing to the thing I'm making instead of washing the dishes. And I can't do that if you're watching. Get out.

I will sing "Hooked on a Feeling"

I NOW HAVE A PEN STAND FOR MY WACOM PEN AND IT IS THE BEST MOST AWESOME THING AND IT OPENS UP AND OMG IT'S SO GREAT

I really want to taste Redbull and I don't know if I'm allowed to.

Sometimes, when I'm really sad, I put my high heels on and look at my legs and feel like that old overused and weird sexy female cartoon leg thing. I just go to the mirror and am like "Oh, hello, boys... Mind being seduced today??"

Old vine compilations are addictive. Send help.

When I'm really stressed, I pretend I'm smoking a cigarette, so I can look cool. I don't, but I look cool in my head.

I wish I had a wig other than blue sadness anime wig that I don't know where is

I <3 my slinky. But it gets super dirty and I don't know how. Still play with it though.

I'M NEVR GONNA DANCE AGAIN. GUILTY FEET HAVE GOT NO RHYTHM

I feel as if my pens and markers have personalities and opinions about me and it's scary

I am very happy to notice that my love for singing the instrumental parts of song has not gone away

I think I finally learned how to not be up all night. Just... put on a video, stop thinking, close your eyes and think "Yea, sleep good, must sleep now, but I don't think I willzzzzzzzzz". Otherwise, you will only revisit everything you ever done to people and how the hate you and imagine what creature is sitting by the foot of your bed waiting to kill you.

Animal rescue videos are the best thing I ever found on the internet.

Car and "Cars"TM porn is the worst thing I found on the internet (that my mind didn't block away)

Strong Female Protagonist is a great comic! You should re-read it sometime and check if the 3-year-old hiatus is over or evolved.

OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHACKA I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me Girl, you just don't realize Watchu do to me When you hold me In your arms so tight You let me know Everything is al-riiight IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-'m HOOKED ON A FEELING paparapaaaa I'M HIGH ON BELIEVING paparapaaaa THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MEEEE

Idk, I should take more baths. They're fun and very satisfying when I'm in a good mood. And yet, I forget. For days. Just like shaving my armpits. I should do both those things right now. Will I? Eh, probably not.

I miss my guinea pig named after Selena Gomez.

Mosquitos are tiny vampires, but lady vampires, and it's fucking bomb.

I'm planning my Mike Wazowski cosplay just you wait.

Rats. 10/10.

KOMODO DRAGONS. INFINITE/10

I would be a terrible hat person but I really want to make a story where every character is me (usual) but with the twist that I can physically differentiate them now. So... I'm buying hats

Nah, hats are expensive.

#granola bird

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to-future-self · 4 years

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Slightly Panicking Everywhere

When you need to talk to people but people don't want to talk to you 'cause you're a bitch and you ruin everything and everyone around you so you stop making an effort to talk to people but then you lose the connections you have in life and ends up more alone and then they will probably break up with you anyway so.

I'm not okay and I feel as if I don't care enough about those around me.

Plus I'm most likely just being and thinking too much and I need to be less stupid and exaggerated and just do something for once and not the wrong thing, please.

I know I just sent the biggest letter yet, but I need to write more. Not that it's changing anything, I just want to. And I'm sad and angry with myself, so that needs to go somewhere. At least, part of it.

#granola bird

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to-future-self · 4 years

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This is very long and unplanned

Well, hello

So, I diverge from my parents. Like most adolescents, I do, yes, disagree with my parents. I know, I know, shocker.

I find it to be very scary, really. Suddenly, those who always had the answer don't have it anymore. And, once again, the fact that there is no certainty in life slaps me in the face again and again and again. Sometimes I worry I'll never get used to it, to life. I feel as if no one really does, but I don't think this is the uplifting mantra I want to carry throughout my existence. "No one will ever understand what we are supposed to do, because we aren't supposed to do anything!" Living isn't supposed to be meaningful, not by default. But I do know that the only one who can attribute meaning to life is the individual living it.

The fact that we are all individuals is the reason there will never be true peace. No, we're too different, all of us, in so many ways. This doesn't mean we can't coexist with those differences, but I don't believe there's any plausible scenario (and by that I mean, no thought reforming BS or total human annihilation) where everyone is quiet and happy. This is one beautiful and terrifying thing about humans, we're bound to noise, never to silence.

A community, whether we like it or not, is not homogeneous. It's a bunch of individuals that are scrunched together and not mixing, no matter how hard some try. Every single one of us is just weirdly unique, with our own objectives, likes, dislikes, good and not so good facts and beliefs. We're all just existing, and we all have the right to since we all have value. To exist is, supposedly, very valuable in itself.

I'll get to the value of a human being and MY OWN VALUE as a human being eventually, don't worry. I looove rambling in tiresome texts.

But let's get to the point, at least the initial one: Should all people be allowed to exist? Or, at least, should people be able to experience freedom or is it more secure to tame it in some capacity?

Now, what do I mean about that?

My parents are not anti-racists, they also are quite careless when it comes to cute 2020 surprise, Corona, and my dad is quite unfond of concepts such as feminism. Ok, they do sound like idiots, and that worries me because they're not. And it kills me that I can't love them less for it.

I came to the conclusion that one can't end an idea. Ideas are created and exist, immortal, but not undiscussable. Therefore, racism or sexism or any bad-ism will never end, as long as there's someone out there that truly believes it, or some kind of registration, either being through manuscripts and historical papers of some sort or just through the impact the past makes in the present and future (as a 16-year-old, my conclusions are not mind-blowing, they're mostly stupid and lame and not original).

And those bad-isms exist because of the conflict we, humans, will never get rid of. Bad-isms exist because some believe that others, different from them, shouldn't exist, or are not correct, or are inferior to them for some reason. Basically, you shouldn't exist, because you're not like me. And to disagree with those is plausible, right? Everybody should have the right to exist, even if harmony is unachievable. RIght?

That's when you get movement, revolution, opposition, which is great. Not easy nor pretty, even though some think so (yes, I'm looking at you, miss ˜I-Like-Romanticising-History". Did you enjoy Hamilton?) Those people who were massively mistreated through the course of human existence are screaming, and the world starts to notice their voice. And it's just so fucking amazing, even if things aren't fixed, and most likely never will. Things are slowly getting better. Hurray!

Hurray?

Now, I'm no expert in social sciences. Actually, I'm no expert in anything, I'm sixteen. But it is bizarre to see how people have a hard time looking past their own nose. Me included, obviously, but let's talk about that later. Ok, things got better, but they're not good. It's not very difficult to find some numbers stating how many black people die every day because of cop violence, or how many women are being abused every day in any social sphere they're inserted in, or how many trans people are beaten to death every day because of their identity. And that's me not remembering many, many other examples of how things are not alright. We're not walking on sunshine. However, to those who do not really experience any of it, or care to know about it, this is very foreign. Those are people who look at the past, think "Yikes. Good thing the world is not like that anymore!", and go live their lives carelessly. They don't see anything wrong with the now, now is good, and they don't understand how there are people who are still complaining! Hello-o, you got your rights, shut up already!

That, gentleladies and gentlemen and gentlenon-binary, is my father.

And that same father feels like he has no right to be wrong, or of disagreeing with people. He's terrified of the idea of limitation of freedom, he thinks it will lead to some kind of new dictatorship, and "they" are already working on it - "They" being the masterminds behind a to-be controlled world of some sort. Therefore, according to my dad, we can't get someone arrested for thinking the most absurd or saying the most absurd, because 1. They haven't done anything tangible yet, 2. Even if they're complete and utterly disgusting, they have the right of believing and saying whatever they want.

I feel as if this is the main ideological conflict we have nowadays (I'm not sure, I don't know way too much about the world to have an opinion, but we'll go back to that too). We have people who want to diminish, control, or even exterminate others, but, if they don't effectively do anything, should they be punished? As someone who isn't affected by many of the violence in the world today, I don't know.

Because I know there's nothing I can do to stop it from happening, bad-isms are always going to be there, but we need to keep trying to make them almost nonexistent. But then, you can't convince people, or explain to them, the damages of something through violence. This type of change can't happen through force, because it won't clarify anything to those who don't know or don't care. This doesn't mean passivity, but it means effective dialogue and loads of patience and, honestly, that's really hard too. I don't think there will be many people willing to persist in a (most likely) one-sided conversation with their abusers. And that's to say that all people can be convinced, which is not the case at all! People are stubborn, especially when they're talking about something they feel deeply about, such as their moral compass or their beliefs.

I'm afraid I advocate for different types of resistance or social change because I don't know what it feels like. Because I don't understand suffering. I understand anger, sadness, and guilt, but not suffering. Not truly. And then, I must not forget that I have been raised by my parents, who believe that yes, anyone can be proven wrong, and yes, you should be able to think freely, no matter how disgusting what you think about is. And I thought I agreed with that too until the day I realized I'm terrified of judgment, and again the day of the racist episode in my school happened.

Some guys had a Whatsapp group. I have no idea what they talked about usually, but I, and the entirety of my city (and the internet, obviously), got to see bits of a terrifying conversation. They were talking about what girls they would rape, but then they got to one in particular. Since she was black, she was worth less than a piece of gum, raping her was disgusting, she would smell awful and they would prefer to sell her on the internet. You know, like a slave. LOL.

People can be inhuman sometimes. Later, I would discuss this episode with my parents. It was sort of inevitable since it was all over the news, but it made me feel awful. Because "Hell, they're kids! Stupid kids, but they didn't do anything. Everything could be racism then, you know? Who is to judge what is and isn't? What will they do next, invade our privacy? Check if we are or aren't conforming to what 'they' believe is right? People say stupid shit all the time! What will 'they' do, arrest everyone?" Holy shit, the way they diminished the situation, the way they made it about something else! I know they don't agree with the kids, but what the fuck, no empathy at all? "The girl must hear that every day, she's fine" FUCK, WHAT ABOUT THAT IS FINE??

And then, well, I realized I'm not my parents. And then I realized I still love them. A lot. And that scares me. I hope I'm not a victim of unconditional love, it makes you accept the unacceptable. But I love my parents, and it will take more than them ignoring human suffering for me to stop. Like, my dad voted (and seems to be in love with) for a guy who thinks "people like me" should be beaten as a child to "take the gay out of them", and I still love him. It is fucking terrifying.

Then, I get to one of my greatest self-doubts. Am I critical of violent methods of action because, deep down, I believe there should be no action? People should just exist? What is the best next step to coexisting? Should voices be shut by the voiceless? Are voiceless shutting anyone up? Should people care or not? If we don't care, there's eternal apathy, but if we do, there's just a great war of interest. What is right? Who determines what is right? Can people be wrong if being wrong means suffering? Am I scared of knowing things because then I'll have to acknowledge I'm really, truly horrible and have been doing everything wrong? Am I that scared of disagreeing with what I believe is true? Of what people I respect and want to like me believe is true?

Unanswered. I think. I don't know.

Hi, I'm someone highly dependent on others' opinions about me. Not so long ago, I noticed that I lie. All the time. To the point I don't remember things I said, or can't keep up with them. 'Cause I need to be liked. I need so much to be liked I don't think I have opinions I haven't borrowed from other people. I can't act by myself, I feel the need of having someone tell me what to do, what is right, what is wrong, how to live. Shit, I ruined my friendship with the only people I talked to in 5 years because I projected all my insecurities and a sense of right and wrong on them and then blamed them for it. And now, while I'm trying to stop some of my bad habits, such as lying, I am so lost. So, so lost. And I don't know if that's because I lost my sense of identity once those who told me how to be are not there anymore or because this is me. Actually me. And I hate it. I feel as if anyone I knew before now was just meeting a facade.

I don't like what I used to like anymore. I don't read, don't draw, don't write, only sing when at the verge of tears, almost never listen to music, don't dance alone at 3 A.M., don't make pancakes, can't stand my birds, haven't changed clothes in almost a month, don't seem to find the most hilarious shit funny. I'm giving cooking a try, it's been very fun when I'm alone. That's another thing: being alone sucks, but it's how I want to be 99% of the time.

I always struggled with feeling good about myself. Because the bits that I knew were entirely me never seemed appealing to most people. Sometimes I can't stand myself so much that I make myself stop thinking, fearing that someone might think my thoughts are uninteresting. I never felt so uninteresting in my life. My biggest thrill recently has been planning how to organize the notes in my binder, and I'm not even good at it. If I could, I would shut up forever, because I never know what to say. I'm terrible at it, convos. Recently, I had this breakdown because I was searching "How to talk to people" on Youtube. I never felt so pathetic, so useless… So I cried for about 3 hours.

Actually, I always feel as if I am wrong. Nothing I do is ever right. It's very fun, this constant feeling that everybody hates you and is just keeping up with your bullshit since they're too polite to just say "You suck". It's so weird that I'm constantly telling myself that if people knew the truth about me, I would be completely alone. So I'm constantly telling myself how I should just cut everyone out of my life so they don't have to waste so much on me. And it's all in my head but if I don't talk to anyone, it'll come true, but if I do talk, people will just realize how much of a piece of shit and nothing I am.

My therapist once told me that I'm not obliged to be entertaining all the time and that I can be boring, but the truth is that I don't know anything. I am very much filled with just air and, if I don't make things up, people will be just stuck there with absolutely nothing. And then leave. And it will be all my fault, as it usually is.

I think the most pathetic recent thing I've done is to become possessive of this pillow I have. I use it to feel less lonely at night, sometimes I like to pretend it is my boyfriend and just hold it real tight (not really because then "I would be crushing him"). God, I've cried so much against this pillow and slept with it so much to the point I can't sleep unless I'm hugging something. And, sometimes, when my sister lies in the bed with me, I don't let her lie on top of it. Do you know when children have those clothes they get really attached to? I feel like that. Memory Boy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if it's creepy. But it is the truth.

By the way, I'm so sorry if I talk too much and don't give you the chance to talk. Or if I'm never talking to you. This seems contradictory, but I miss you so fucking much and I really love you. I'm really sorry I'm not present, I'm just not myself enough or interesting and I really don't want you to see me like this.

My family is not really respecting the quarantine, and they convinced me to go out with them a few times. And I hate it. So much. I become paranoid that I'm part of the problem and I'll kill someone or that people will know that I'm out and scream with me and hate me and judge me and hate me. And my fucking dad thinks everything is fine and dandy and if he goes out without a mask he won't infect anyone and if he gets infected and dies it's fine because life goes on without him and this whole thing will be over in no time he can show you the fucking numbers because only 100 people are dying per day in this state, isn't this great? People are still dying, my dad doesn't seem to care because "you do you. If there are some idiots who don't care, let them die. Why does it concern you?" as if this isn't a situation where your actions affect the people around you and as if I shouldn't care if people die and as if I shouldn't care if my own fucking father dies because "they chose to do so to themselves". Fucking amazing. Thanks, Dad, I'm so less worried now.

And, when I refuse to go out, my family blames me for being no fun at all or "having a phobia of the outside.", since I have absolutely no reason not to go, everything is fine and dandy now, shopping malls are reopening and there's no way a second wave could happen, no sir. And, when I do go out, I try to wear things I would never wear and avoid phones so there's no proof I was outside. And, when I come back, I start searching for pictures of me between those pictures taken of people outside and feeling guilty, so guilty for going because if I didn't want to go, I could have not gone. And then I'll feel terrible and hate myself and cry and want to hurt myself, even though I won't. And just feel bad for it forever because it's my fault that I went outside and I could have just stayed, why didn't I stay, now everyone will hate me so much and I'll have contributed to the death statistics in my country and people will call me out for it and hate and never talk to me again and I'll have killed someone and made their family miserable and it will be all my fucking fault as usual because I could keep my ass home.

And oh my god, I'm so great. I'm so completely fine, I have nothing to worry about and I keep creating problems when I could just shut up. Sometimes I feel as if my feelings are wrong and far too much so I try to pretend they don't exist because, well, they shouldn't. I have no real reason to feel as sad or angry as I do all the time, especially when there are people with real problems out there and I'm just shoving the fucking great life I have against their faces and pretending as if it is the worst. When, actually, I make up all my problems and I should just stop whining and just be fucking happy already because I have no reason to feel sad and angry. I just wrote down some things that are on my mind but they're so fine and not a problem at all. I just really hate being too much.

Honestly, I usually re-read my letters to correct it and make it coherent, but I won't this time. I seriously blacked out while writing this and just am not willing to revisit right now. I've been writing this for three days now and, most of it I did in a row. Spent two days in the beginning and then an entire day just vomiting words nonstop. I'm sorry if it was long.

#granola bird

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to-future-self · 4 years

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20/07/20

Eu sou uma merda de ser humano mesmo

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to-future-self · 4 years

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It's time to stop.

Future Self,

I want to stop being me.

I don't like myself, I feel as if the people who do only like me because they don't know me enough or they feel obliged to.

I know I need to change. I need to grow up. I need to better myself and the way I behave. I want to, I hate to make people sad or disappointed or worse. And I am the only person who can change me, obviously.

So, why can't I do it? Why don't I change? Nothing is holding me back, I should be able to do it, right? So, why don't I just do it?

Sometimes, I feel as if I'm fucking stupid. I don't think I know how to do it, really. To change. For the longest time, I felt as if changing is something natural. It happens, either because of internal or external action, but it is not as if you mean it to. You are just constantly changing and changing, and you can't control that. However, while I still believe in the previous statement, there are moments in life you have to force change, actively strive for something else, to let go of before and search for new. And I don't think I know how to do that.

Or, maybe, I know. I know and I don't do it. I know and I forget it. I know and I conveniently forget it because I'm a fucking coward who is oh so terrified of any kind of commitment. Even when it's for the better, even when it is for people who I really care about. I just don't do it because I'm fucking useless. Useless.

Relationships with me are quite tragic, I think. Because I know it's only a matter of time I either distance myself until there's nothing left but memories or screw up and never deal with it. Either way, it's just me being a waste of emotional investment. And I just don't know how to stop doing it.

I don't know what is the right thing to say or to think or to do and, by the time I figure it out, it is always too late. I hate being late. I hate questioning every single thing I think because I am always wrong and am constantly looking for the right way to think because I know, for sure, that I cannot fix any of my mistakes. No, correction, I don't fix them. I'm just useless.

I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of my self-pity and how I seem to fucking looove being miserable. There's no reason why I should be so sad and angry with myself all the time. If I really hated it, if I wanted to change so much, I would, right? But no, no, let's just cry all night long, bruise and cut the fucking thigh to feel as if I am giving a proper punishment for the mistakes I clearly do not want to solve.

But then again, if I was really that tired, why do I keep on doing it?

Why do I keep on repeating the same things over and over and over again expecting change to just happen, and then feel sad when it doesn't come? Why can't I just call my boyfriend or answer his calls and stop feeling like I'm a waste of his time? Why don't I trust my parents? Why don't I trust my friends? Why don't I trust anybody? Why do I think everyone is out to get me and will hate me inevitably? And why is the answer always "Because I am the worst and this will never change"?

I envy you, Future Self. Because, hopefully, you are not me anymore. Or maybe I just envision you as future change and hope I'm right. I truly hope you were able to change at some point and are far away from the moment I am in. I hope you are kind to yourself. I can't stand feeling and being and acting forever like me.

I need to know you changed, really. The people around you need that too. They all need and deserve someone better than who you are now. I just need to know I'll be able to grow up and just… hurt people in different ways? Less frequently? Start making different mistakes, and also get more things right. What I mean by that is just… I hope you learn from your past errors and use them to move forward. There is no way you will be able to stop making mistakes or disappointing people, you just don't have to be paralyzed by them. God, I really hope you are a better learner than I am. Good luck. Stop being afraid of everything. Try to be kinder to yourself and the ones around you.

If you are reading this, wherever you are in the future, I just want to remind you that you are able to move forward. Even though I, right now, don't know how, I know we're able to do so. So please, keep on moving forward. Everyone regrets the past and fears the future, really. It just cannot stop you from living. I hope you like living. Yes, sure, I don't expect you to like everything about it, that's impossible, but I just hope you don't feel as if you shouldn't be living at all.

I guess I just want you to enjoy being you, however imperfect and shitty you may be, and maybe teach me how to do it someday. How to change.

Past Self

#granola bird

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to-future-self · 4 years

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I suck. I fucking suck.

It's time to just stop being me because I fucking suck. I'm not worth anything and I drag anyone near me down with me. If I try to exist as little as possible, maybe things will get better. Especially to those who I've wronged. Holy shit, I really hope they're okay. They seem to be but quarantine is not the best scenario for mental health and stability.

I feel as if I need to do everything I can to deflate. I occupy way too much space. I shouldn't be heard. I am not valuable.

And it is fucking awesome how I do nothing to better myself. Yay me. Do shit and then complain about how fucking awful you are. What a great fucking way to solve things, huh. Piece of shit.

I tried to talk to different people today. Human contact with someone other than my boyfriend and my immediate family. And the whole time I kept thinking "you will slip up. You will say some kind of shitty thing and you won't be able to ever take it back. This person holds power over you, they can share everything you said so everyone will know what a fucking stupid piece of shit you are. Don't the people deserve to know? Isn't it better that people don't get close to you from the get-go so you don't hurt them later? Then just stop talking. Stop doing anything. Just stop"

I want to eventually write a post without being in the middle of the night crying my eyes out. Just write it in a state of better thinking, not so much emotion. A state of mind in which I don't feel as much as a nuisance like I do now.

By the way, I finally cut the last (sort of) physical string I had with my old group of friends. I got out of the group chats a few days ago. And I feel so stupid and paranoid because I constantly think they're talking about me (as if I'm a fucking central point of their lives). It's fine, really. I'm fine about that, better than I thought I would be. But, as someone who likes to drown in my own guilt, this consumes a greater part of my thoughts than it should. I want them to fucking beat me to the ground and yell at me, or to just tell everyone what I did and who I am and how terrible I am. I want to be punished and to suffer because I feel as if this would serve as a payoff, as a conclusion. But the truth is no one will fucking punish me, I just have to live with the fact that I disappointed every single one of the people close to me and I'll never be able to gain them back. I don't deserve them back and maybe it's time we depart. This is fine, I'm fine. Stop asking.

I think the worst part is that I feel I won't change. I'm not capable of dealing with my mistakes and it really shows. I've been not solving the same mess for four years now, what the fuck. Am I inept? No. So why don't I do it? Why don't I fucking know how to do it? Why does everyone else know how to do it and I don't? What went wrong that I'm not capable of something as basic as this? Why am I so useless at everything? Do I want to hurt people? Do I want things to not change? Do I want to keep swimming around in my own sorrow as if what I feel matters when I don't do shit to solve anything?

It doesn't matter if I'm sorry or if I regret it. Nothing changes and I suck.

I can't sleep.

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to-future-self · 4 years

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My mind right now

People don't know why they insist on being my friend. Most of the time they don't have a reason anymore. The worst part of this is that I didn't come up with this statement through my own pessimistic thoughts. No, I was told this. And the person who said it is right to mean it.

People also think I don't care. I do care, a lot. Do I show it? Does it feel, in any relationship I have, as if I care? Not at all. I am never there, how can people know? Fuck me.

Ever since I had sex without a condom and had to take the morning-after pill, I am terrified of being pregnant, even though I know for a fact I am not and I haven't had sex in a month. I am so irresponsible.

I hate the fact that I have control over my actions because this means I could be making the right decisions and I'm not. I never do.

I want to exit the Whatsapp groups that my friends are in but I can't

a) leave them because I am terrified of regretting the definitive choices. And I will miss them. So fucking much.

b) because they'll ask me about it and I hate my justifications.

c) . Coward. I won't deal with my problems cause I'm such a little shit. Just fucking do something for once. Anything.

I wish there was a clear, right answer, but I think that, if there was, I wouldn't do it. Because I hate control. I want things to be inevitable so I can withdraw my guilt. My share. I never want to do anything. Coward coward coward.

I feel everything is awful. I make everything awful. It's my fault things are awful. It always is. I am the discomfort in every awkward conversation and I am not interesting. Even the things that are actually interesting about me, I make them boring. People shouldn't want to hang out with me. I make everything worse.

Maybe, if I shut up forever, you will stop being such a disappointment to everyone.

I hate who I am today and I'm afraid today will last forever since I'll never change. Even if I can. Because I am useless.

Maybe I like being sad. That's probably why I'm sad all the time. "Give her some attention. Look at that miserable face… What happened, darling? Is everything alright?" Sure, of course, nothing is wrong, the only problem is me and I'm not willing to fix it but oh, do I love the attention. Thanks for caring. I'm just terrible.

Fucking useless.

Useless useless useless useless useless.

Just disappear already.

Wouldn't it be easy if people left me? So I wouldn't break anybody's heart? It would. So I don't have to do it myself. Haha, no responsibilities for my wants, as usual.

Do nothing, say nothing, feel everything inside and know always you don't make sense. Because I really don't. If I wanted to change things, I would be trying to do so. But I'm doing nothing. I'm not feeling the way I'm supposed to feel. I have no reason to be feeling the way I'm feeling because I brought all of this upon myself and others. This is all my fault. And I have the guts to be fucking miserable about it. Isn't this what I fucking wanted? I got it, right? I did this, stop trying to blame others because I did this. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I want to go away so people can be happy. One less problem, right?

I don't want to go back to school so I don't have to look them in the eyes. So they don't have to be reminded of me. So this thing doesn't get even worse. So everything is always not decisive. I want to live in indecisive until I can leave this mess behind.

#granola bird

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to-future-self · 4 years

Text

24/02/2020

Para Eu do Futuro,

Muita coisa aconteceu nas últimas 3 semanas. Muita coisa aconteceu nos últimos dois dias, na verdade. Vamos esclarecer algumas coisas: Eu tenho muitos problemas em me responsabilizar pelas minhas opiniões, sentimentos e escolhas; Meu namorado, por mais que eu verdadeiramente ame ele, foi um tremendo de um imbecil e eu não sei se consigo perdoá-lo; Meus amigos, por mais que eu não devesse continuar saindo com eles porque não está sendo uma coisa legal tanto para mim quanto para eles, tem razão em estarem muito decepcionados, tristes e putos comigo. Vamos a um resumo da situação:

Tudo começa, para mim, a pouco mais de um ano atrás, que foi o momento em que eu comecei a sentir que talvez eu não estivesse feliz com o meu grupo de amigos. Claro, eu acho que eles são todos pessoas sensacionais que merecem o mundo, mas isso não quer dizer que eu vou me sentir confortável num grupo com estas mesmas pessoas. Eu tenho a teoria, que provavelmente está errada porque eu não sou alguém que tem uma visão objetiva da situação, de que eu comecei a me sentir desconfortável pela da ideia de que eles iriam me deserdar caso eu demonstrasse qualquer sinal de divergência relacionada às visões e opiniões deles, o que é um medo estúpido porém muito real dentro de mim agora.

Enfim, guardei minhas insatisfações para mim mesma (e minha psicóloga) durante muito tempo, explodindo aqui e ali como qualquer um que não lida de forma saudável com seus problemas, até que começo a me aproximar de meu melhor amigo (e futuro namorado). Assim como muitas pessoas no meu ano, ele não gosta muito do meu grupo de amigos, mas honestamente ele pode pensar o que ele quiser sobre o meu grupo de amigos porque:

a) nem todo mundo vai gostar das pessoas que eu gosto, obviamente

b) muitas das críticas que ele fazia em relação ao meu grupo de amigos eram coisas que eu já tinha pensado sobre

Logo, um tópico que às vezes nós discutimos sobre eram nossos problemas com o meu grupo de amigos. E sinceramente, eu não acho que seja algo horrível o fato que eu falei sobre isso com alguém fora do meu círculo de amigos. Eu acho que é uma coisa muito comum você querer falar sobre seus problemas com alguém com outras pessoas, especialmente se você estiver buscando diferentes pontos de vista ou conselhos, porém não tem como você só falar deles com outros e nunca tentar resolvê-los.

Show, eu me aproximo dele de forma romântica durante as férias e não falo para meus amigos porque eu morria de medo de saber como eles iriam reagir. Porque, tal como esse meu melhor amigo não gostava deles, eles também não gostavam do meu amigo.

À três semanas atrás, ele me pede em namoro e eu aceito. Isso acontece num sábado, e meus amigos tinham marcado de ir num bloco. Eu desmarquei, porque a galera do meu colégio antigo estava marcando uma confraternização e eu não os via tinha muito tempo. Eu desisti de ir na confraternização e acabei ficando pelos arredores do colégio para comprar um livro depois da aula. Chamei meu melhor amigo, porque eu gosto da companhia e ele disse que tinha algo para me falar que era importante e que deveria ser feito pessoalmente. Eventualmente, meus amigos ficariam muito putos comigo porque achavam que eu tinha desmarcado com eles para sair com meu ficante em segredo.

O problema mesmo começa na madrugada de domingo para segunda, na qual durante uma conversa entre meu namorado e uma de minhas amigas, meu namorado manda um áudio de quase meia hora falando todas as críticas que ele tinha em relação ao meu grupo de amigos. Primeiro que ele não deveria ter mandado aquilo porque, que pense ele o que pensar, ele não tem nada a ver com meu grupo de amigos. Ele trata as pessoas que estão ali como se estivessem alienadas, e ele fosse o detentor da verdade. Eu não acho que essa seja a intenção dele, mas é assim que me parece, como se ele quisesse libertar as pessoas de um sistema tirano. Se fosse para ouvir tudo aquilo, que eles ouvissem de alguém que realmente está presente naquela situação e cuja opinião não foi formulada a partir de observações distantes ou o que ele escuta por aí. Meia hora.

Desde então eu tenho me culpado e me sentido mal para um caralho. Afinal, não vou negar que eu sou uma péssima amiga e que eu não tenho maturidade nenhuma para lidar com meus problemas.

Criaram um grupo no whatsapp para conversarmos sobre nossos problemas em grupo, foi uma ótima ideia. Eu definitivamente não sei o que fazer, especialmente agora que eu não acho que é uma boa ideia manter contato com meus amigos e estou finalmente ficando muito puta com meu namorado. Ao mesmo tempo que ele é o único relacionamento fora do meu círculo familiar no qual eu estou feliz, essa situação toda só está acontecendo por conta dele, e eu não sei se eu vou querer continuar nesse relacionamento ou se realmente seria melhor só acabar com ele. Ele fodeu tudo bonito mesmo, e eu não sei se eu consigo perdoá-lo. Ao menos, não agora. Além disso, tem também o fato de que eu estou finalmente enxergando o quão péssima eu estou sendo para os meus amigos. Mas péssima mesmo.

A maior hipocrisia dentro dessa história é o fato de que eu achava que eles seriam quem não toleraria o errado ou diferente, quando obviamente sou eu quem não consegue suportar a possibilidade de estar errada ou ser diferente. É engraçado do pior jeito possível que eu acreditasse que pelo justo fato de que eu penso que estou errada o tempo todo, isso me tornaria a pessoa mais acolhedora do errado. Eu acredito que sou uma pessoa muito disposta a ouvir o que eu considero merda, mas isso pouco importa, porque eu mais uma vez provei ser hipócrita ao não agir em cima daquilo que acredito ser certo.

Isso é algo que já falei para minha psicóloga várias vezes, sobre como eu acredito que não tem como você convencer alguém de que este está errado se não tirar seu tempo para ouvir o que ele tem a dizer. Demonstrar que você compreende o que ele está dizendo, não que você está só ignorando o que ele diz em favor de seus pontos de vista. E só aí você conseguirá que alguém te escute, se você demonstrar que está escutando também. Legal, legal, essa é a mudança que eu quero no mundo que eu claramente não pratico porque, como previamente estabelecido, eu não me posiciono abertamente e tenho medo de confronto.

Enfim, seja lá onde você estiver no futuro, eu espero que você tenha conseguido resolver isso e que esteja tudo bem. Eu espero que, depois dessa, você tenha aprendido alguma coisa e que você nunca mais passe ou faça alguém passar por isso. E que tudo bem errar, ok? Eu sei que parece que uma vez que você erre, não tem mais volta, mas tem. Eu espero que você tenha aprendido a ficar confortável com o que você sente e pensa e que você aprenda a errar. Porque todo mundo erra e não é ficando calada que as coisas vão se resolver. Eu realmente espero que esteja tudo bem. Boa sorte.

Eu do Passado

#granola bird

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to-future-self · 4 years

Text

20/02/2020

To Future Self,

I don't let anyone get near me emotionally. Because I think my feelings don't matter to other people. Because I'm afraid of what people will think of me if they know how I feel.

That being said, I am a very uncommunicative person and I'm constantly withholding myself from connections such as parties, talking, opinionating or simply hanging out.

Another not very fun fact about myself is the fact that I'm terrified of being wrong. Either being because I, like most people, don't like being proven wrong, or because I might be hurting others or might be excluded or made fun of. Therefore, to eliminate any possibility of having to expose my wrong thoughts, I keep them in. I listen a lot to people. To learn what they think is right and educate me. And sometimes, while in arguments or debates, I hope really hard someone will think the same thing as I do so they can expose it and deal with people's opinions on their (our?) thoughts. It's as if I'm hoping for someone to be a scapegoat so I can get the information and reaction without being attached to my own opinions.

Sometimes I think I don't matter to people because I'm not close to them, but truly I can't blame them because that distance between us is something I created. I usually think of myself as a ghost when I'm thinking about my unimportance, as someone who is just a discrete presence in a room, who has no thoughts or feelings or voice. However, the truth is I became a ghost willingly. I actively worked towards ghost status.

One of the main criticisms of my own friend group is how I thought that they wouldn't be capable of forgiving or accepting what's different from them, even if forgiveness and acceptance are one of their main mottos. I would think they were very hypocritical, and I don't know if I disagree with that, but I need to acknowledge that the most hypocritical person in my life is myself. I'm the fucking hypocrite. Shocker.

You see, Future Self, I'm really sad right now. Like, really really sad. I sleep a lot, I'm not eating properly even when I know I'm hungry, I'm not being nice to myself at all, both physically and emotionally and I'm crying way too much. Sometimes I think that if I disappeared, people would be sad for a little while, but then would mostly be the best solution for everybody. So then people wouldn't have to look at me, talk to me or be mad or sad because of me. I would stop making people miserable over and over and maybe would make actual connections where I would try to fuck it up a little less, hopefully not at all. But I can't. I won't disappear. I don't know how to fix things and maybe they will never be fixed again. Even if I had a solution, I probably would never be able to look them in the eye again. It will never be the same again. Well, things are never the same because they're going through constant change, but I'm saying this not in the sense that I can't go back. I'm saying this because I don't know if we'll ever be friends again. I don't think there's something I can do to recover those relationships. As Love Sentence would say "It's too little, too late".

I'm guilty of what I say or feel. I feel guilty for how I think of people. I feel guilty about how I treated people. I feel guilty about being me. Honestly, I feel guilty all the time, but I've never felt as guilty as I feel now. I deserve a punch in the face. It's weird when you want to punish yourself physically but you are afraid you'll hurt yourself. Paradoxal, hypocritical. Fuck me. My leg is kinda bruised and my foot is ever so often pulsating with a very little pain because I kick things to hurt it, but not really. I am way too much of a coward to hurt it for real. I don't want my parents or other people to worry about me either. Fucking coward.

I isolate myself, I don't solve my problems, I don't talk or hear people who I care about because I'm never there, I disappear from their lives and come back as if nothing changed, I explode in emotions because I don't want to let them out ever… what did I expect was going to happen? What did I expect?

Piece of shit, coward, hypocrite, stupid, horrible friend, awful person, shit. What a fucking ghost of a person. I hate myself, and for the first time, I feel as if I mean it. Wholeheartedly. I mean it. Fuck me.

I don't want to be alone right now, but I don't want to let people down again. Maybe I don't deserve people who care about me. Maybe that's it.

I hope you don't believe any of this about yourself, Future Self. I really really do. I hope you don't feel as if you suck. I also hope you don't suck in general.

Past Self

#i feel like shit #always #fuuuuck me #i'm sorry #shit I'm sorry #granola bird #honestly fuck me

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