#the amount of hozier songs i listened to while drawing this… | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

disaster-bay-leaf · 3 years

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Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

#smadhuman being pure af #bay answers #long post #very long post #ask #asks

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colour-outside-the-liness · 3 years

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Hey, I'm doing good too. Just normal amounts of stressful stuff right now. Just moved to a country I've never been to before but can't complain, things are not as hard as the last time I did this so. Thanks for asking! Yeah, I saw you posting about some pretty scary health issues before, I'm glad you came out of that alive and hope you're healthier now!

The nerve some people have! Haha I know I would be pissed if people were questioning my intelligence like that especially after a couple of drinks in haha. Though I do like taunting people when I play group games, I'll be like "don't need to try that hard guys, you're gonna lose anyway" just to mess with them or just call people sore losers if they accuse me of cheating haha (they're probably right on the accusations tho). People get real mad sometimes it's kinda funny. 😂

Omg literally laughed out loud reading this! Hahaha, how did you manage to fall over a road sign then end up in a ditch? lol omg hope you didn't get hurt too bad 😂 I was trying to downplay my drunken escapades but since you shared yours I should tell you my worst one:

I was at this summer street party at night and got drunk on something made out of tropical herbs and cachaça (which is about 48% alcohol), drank 3 and a half bottles of that like it was apple juice, made friends with a bunch of strangers in a bathroom queue (who tried to talk to me weeks later but I had no idea who they were), had to be held by my best friend while I peed (mostly missing the toilet), fell in the middle of the street and scraped my knee, threatened this boy who was helping me walk and told him not to try anything funny or I would beat him up, then dragged my friends to the beach and left them shortly after to go make out with my ex, came back with lipstick all over my mouth and chin and when my friends asked what I was doing I said I was just talking to my ex and they were like NO YOU WERE NOT, hahaha then I kissed all my girl friends on a dare and we danced under the full moon, then I told my best friend I had to puke so she took me to the ocean but I changed my mind and happened to step on a dead turtle on the way back and started crying bc of it, but last month my best friend told me it was a rock I had stepped on (I believed it was a dead turtle for 7 years!). Had the worst hangover of my life the next day. ✌️✨

Ah I'm happy you liked it! I've never listened to Six musical before but it sounds fun! I can see why you like it haha made me want to dance around my apartment 💃. And hey if liking musicals is your thing then it's great, I'm sure Hozier will understand if he's not your top artist of the year. 😋 Here's my "damie" Pinterest board if you or anyone else wants to check it out, totally recommend making one if you're a visual person like me!

https://pin.it/UcHVlkq

Oh I could talk about Dani and Jamie forever I think. I love the beast in the jungle speech too and it's so painful to watch, VP delivered that beautifully, but I have to admit I'm always a crying mess from episode 1 when older Jamie starts reciting that song about being sad while waiting for her lover to return, this show is fucking cruel I hate it and love it at the same time hahaha. Omg your mom 😂 but I mean it's truly an honor to be compared to someone like Dani, no? She's really great even if she needs a little help haha (don't we all).

Aaah you're amazing! Thank you so much, I'll read this pirate AU soon!

I used to draw a lot, really loved doing it when I was a kid as I said before, and all throughout adulthood too but I haven't done that in almost a year now bc I've got a bit of a case of burnout I guess, it just takes a lot of effort to do it when it shouldn't be like that at all. I used to do fanart too, for other fandoms. Even made one for Dani x Jamie but ended up not liking how it turned out haha. I've got a lot of respect for writers and fanfic writers also! Yall can make words make sense in really interesting and beautiful ways, build worlds so enthralling I can see them vividly in my head. Writing is such an incredibly fascinating skill to have! And I guess the most important thing is that we enjoy doing these things right? Even if we think we're not particularly good at it.

Anyway, have a lovely weekend! 👋✨

Good I'm glad you're doing great but sorry you're dealing with stressful stuff!! Hope living in a new country goes well for you I'm so jealous that you've lived in different countries I'd love to live somewhere else even if just for s few years!! Awwh thank you so much I definitely came out of it alive and am feeling so much better now thank you I mean I do some pretty ditzy things so when people say it to me it's pretty deserved sometimes, I'm secretly smart and people just don't expect it so I never mind too much haha I might have to start saying the things that you do and just taunting them over it I mean, I usually do win even when they make me answer different questions so I will definitely have to start saying things like that to them Haha I love that you're just like "yeah they're probably right in their accusations" I agree seeing how mad some people get over games and stuff is funny (it's me I'm people I hate loosing games depending on what it is and I am very competitive) So it was very dark and all we had for light was my roommates flashlight on her phone but while we were walking home a friend of ours that lived else where kept texting her to make sure we were still safe (my phone as dead at this point) so while she was texting him her flashlight was facing down and someone had moved this road sign to the footpath and it was on that sits on the floor so while I couldn't see it I walked into it and fell over it but while I feel I grabbed hold of it and flipped with it and fell in a ditch with it on top of me... I was fine and was just laid laughing while my friend looked down at me and in the most northern accent ever just said "get up you dickhead." and helped me off of the floor and then asked if I was okay... and I was so it was all good!! Haha 😂 I love this drunken story that sounds like one hell of a night and is a roller coaster from start to finish!! I'm sorry you thought you had stood on a dead turtle for 7 years though, someone really should've told you that it was just a rock!! But that sounds like my kind of night!! I love nights like that... stories that will last a life time... the only down side is the hangover... luckily I have only ever had one hang over in my life and it wasn't the morning after the road sign fiasco... I felt surprisingly good the morning after that haha 😂 It's such a good musical it's about Henry VIII wives and I just love everything to do with his wives and that musical is so much fun and actually gives a little insight to the lives the six Tudor queens had away from Henry and with him because at school we're mainly just taught about him which sucks!! I loved the Hozier song and am definitely gonna have to listen to more of his stuff!! I love musicals so much I mainly listen to musical soundtracks at the minute- usually, Legally Blonde and Six on repeat haha 😂 Ooo thank you I will definitely check out this Pinterest board thanks for sending it to me!! I could talk about them forever too... since watching Bly Manor my niece has been asking me so many questions about it and I am more than happy to talk to her about it haha!! The beast in the jungle speech just breaks my heart every time I relate to it so much and VP just delivers it so beautifully!! Oh yeah now I know at the beginning that it's older Jamie I am just a wreck the whole show is just so beautiful and heart breaking at the same time I LOVE IT!! Even though it makes me sob- I keep putting myself through it!! I mean, yeah I was happy that she said it Dani is great but it was the way she said it... my mum can be something else sometimes... she said she thought Dani was like me the first time she does the accent when she says "I've fallen quite in love with London" because I just randomly do accents a lot too but it was the way she was like "She needs help... but I like her she reminds me of you" I was just like... "Should I go get help?" I still don't know the answer to my question about if I need help or not but I mean I probably do need it You're welcome I really hope you like it!! It's a

great fic I love it!! Yeah I get that if stuff starts taking too much effort and burns you out you're not gonna wanna keep doing it so it's understandable that you stopped!! I think fan art is great and I really would love to be able to do it myself but I just don't have the skill it takes!! Awwh it's a shame you didn't like the Dani x Jamie one you did I would've loved to have seen it!! Honestly there are so many talented writers out there and when I read their fics I am just in awe of the worlds they have built and the stories they have created we are so blessed in this fandom to have so many amazing writers and so many amazing fics out there Oh yeah definitely its important to enjoy what you do!! I know I love writing and love writing fics for Dani and Jamie so I think I'll be doing it for a while even if I'm not great at it haha Awwh thank you very much I hope you have a great weekend too!! ☺️

#lib3rtin33

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roadtohell · 4 years

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@mynamesdrstuff thank you ur brain is so big, i had like 10 moments of revelation while writing this

A Labour of Love- or, How to Write a Song That Makes Me Want to Lie Facedown On The Floor

Four decades separates the respective rises of singer-songwriters Hozier and Bruce Springsteen, nearly as large as the gap between the worlds in which their public images reside. According to popular myth, the former is the tall, near-ethereal Bog Man, half in this life and half in the next, who rose from a fae-inhabited woodland after 1000 years of slumber to find he was able only to mourn his lost love through song; the other is the Boss, a hardy yet compassionate working-class hero permanently streaked with the blood and sweat of a marathon shift, toiling endlessly alongside the heart-stopping, pants-dropping, hard-rocking, earth-quaking, booty-shaking, Viagra-taking*, love-making, legendary E Street Band. The domains of fen and factory may appear to be irreconcilable, but in reality the musicians have many things in common:

Broadly speaking, they both create wildly variable mixes of folk and rock, often with particularly strong Irish and African-American influences.

Their lyrics are poetic and commonly reflect on social issues with a progressive voice.

Songs about romantic relationships typically portray them as complex and difficult but remain respectful, sometimes near worshipful, of women.

Their characters yearn, long, pine and crave more often than not.

They both really like to use religious imagery.

They enjoy and return notable amounts of wlw love.

Representative of many of these are Hozier’s “Work Song” and Springsteen’s “Maria’s Bed”, two songs with close thematic parallels. Each is ostensibly told from the perspective of an exhausted labourer who dreams of returning to his lover. In a twist, however, “Work Song” is a melancholic love story, while the upbeat “Maria’s Bed” is a subtle tale of death; the opposing moods are complex reflections of these underlying narratives. These songs have Hozier and Springsteen skilfully intertwine the concepts of love, death, freedom and spirituality, creating two deeply moving portrayals of desire** that never fail to eviscerate the listener after 10pm.

Though the songs differ in overall lyrical structure, the similarities in narrative are evident from the first few lines:

Boys, workin' on empty / Is that the kinda way to face the burning heat? / I just think about my baby / I'm so full of love I could barely eat

Been on a barbed wire highway forty days and nights / I ain’t complaining, it’s my job and it suits me right / I got a sweet soul fever rushing round my head / I’m gonna sleep tonight in Maria’s bed

The audience can gather that each character works in a harsh environment where they are exposed to the elements. Their work is likely in manual labour, but the details are skimmed over because the narrators don’t particularly want to think about the details. Pushed to their limits, each instead copes by preoccupying himself with thoughts of his lover, though it makes him literally lovesick.

I’d never want once from the cherry tree / ‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be / She gives me toothaches just from kissing me

She gives me candy-stick kisses ‘neath a wolf-dog moon / A sweet breath and she’ll take you, mister, to the upper room

The worker recalls his lover’s kisses as being vibrantly sweet, sweeter than nature. So, too, is her company- in contrast to the grim situation he is currently in, she is something to be savoured. Sugar cravings, an innate biological compulsion, come to mind; his hankering for her is likewise deep-seated and out of his control.

The reason for such devotion, the narrator reveals, is that she saved his life at a time when he had already resigned himself to death. He believes he was undeserving of such a deed; Hozier describes “three days on a drunken sin… she never asked me once about the wrong I did,” while Springsteen’s character recounts being “burned by angels, sold wings of lead / then I fell in the roses and sweet salvation of Maria’s bed”. In other words, his state of ruin was at least partially self-made, and her care seemed completely inexplicable. He eagerly returns her love, perhaps feeling that it’s the least he owes- but he still doesn’t quite understand where it came from.

True to both songwriters’ styles, these lines are direct allusions to the idea of redemption in Christianity: God sheltering a faithful person from the literally hellish consequences of their wrongdoing, through no merit of their own. However, the worker is notably dismissive of traditional doctrine:

My babe would never fret none / About what my hands and my body done / If the Lord don’t forgive me / I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

I’ve been out in the desert, yeah, doing my time / Searching through the dust for fool’s gold, looking for a sign / Holy man says “hold on, brother, there’s a light up ahead” / Ain’t nothing like the light that shines on me in Maria’s bed

His faith rests not in God but on his lover; she is his religion now. Her act of grace already gave him a new, better life- he doesn’t need biblical promises when her love is tantamount to anything heaven might offer. This implication conveys a staggering depth of feeling, particularly to a religiously raised listener. Spirituality is, at its core, emotional; combined with the values and customs of religion, it is a force that can exert incredible influence over a person. The worker doesn’t reject spirituality itself- it’s an intrinsic part of him- but he has put all that power in the hands of the one he adores. It may make him vulnerable to her (that’s love!), but he is certain that she will give him the strength he needs.

Theological redemption also has close ties with death, as its benefits aren’t meant to be reaped on earth. Instead, the love, glory and freedom that are promised are relegated to the afterlife. Historically, the presumed ecstasy of achieving this gave death a sexual connotation; after all, if a lover could take the spiritual place of God, then perhaps sex could take the role of death as a gateway to paradise, far away from a life of pain. Work Song embraces this analogy, explicitly linking spiritual fulfilment to the pleasure of sexual intimacy:

When I was kissing on my baby / And she put her love down, soft and sweet / In the low lamplight, I was free / Heaven and hell were words to me

The equally suggestive Maria’s Bed allows the audience to draw similar conclusions, but it accomplishes this using a far less serious method: regular mentions of the titular bed, wink-wink-nudge-nudge. Yet this light-hearted sauciness is something of a misdirection. It’s easy to gloss over the song’s references to water, but they are strong hints that support an alternative reading: Maria is not a woman, but a river***. The story, from this perspective, then becomes much more sombre- the worker is a dying or suicidal man who wishes to have his body laid at the bottom of a river that provided for him in life, and whose real desire is for the peace he hopes to find there in death.

Got on my dead man’s suit and smiling skull ring / Lucky graveyard boots and a song to sing / I keep my heart in my work, my troubles in my head / And I keep my soul in Maria’s bed

This darker interpretation arguably makes more sense than the face-value love story, as it resolves some figures of speech that otherwise seem out of place. Even so, the more obvious reading is no less meaningful****; in fact, the coexistence of these narratives is what makes Maria’s Bed an almost perfect thematic inverse to Work Song.

When my time comes around / Lay me gently in the cold dark earth / No grave can hold my body down / I’ll crawl home to her

Hozier uses the finality of death to illustrate the strength of a man’s desire for love- his narrator embraces his own passing as he is certain not even the most permanent of barriers can keep him from his lover. Springsteen, through the personification of the river, uses the language of romance to demonstrate how fervently a man might desire death- his narrator embraces his demise because it offers a reprieve from life, just like a lover would.

All that said, no amount of lyrical analysis will reveal the clearest point of contrast the songs have: their music.

Work Song primarily draws from blues and folk music, both of which have roots in historical work songs used to coordinate physical tasks as well as boost morale. Reflecting this musical heritage, instrumentation is fairly simple, with the steady rhythm of claps and piano chords punctuating hard. It is slow and heartfelt, almost mournful; though there’s no mention of time frame, the audience has the sense that the worker still has a long way to go before he can return to his lover. This notion comes largely from the song’s circular structure. By ending with the same music it opened with, its story is also implied to finish at its beginning: with the men hard at work in the “burning heat”, and no true relief in sight. This is furthered by having little development over the course of the song- though iterations of the chorus are more intense than the verses, the arrangements underlying both sections barely change. The worker, it seems, is never quite far enough from his reality of hard labour, and never close enough to home.

On the other hand, Maria’s Bed is relentlessly optimistic, driven by a strong forward momentum. Where most modern songs have their choruses as their most powerful feature, here the wordless refrain (“hey hey, la la la li li li li”) acts more like a transition between verses, keeping the story moving. The jaunty fiddles that fade out are quite different to the introductory guitar and organ, suggesting the worker’s situation has developed for the better. In addition, the orchestration builds continually, only briefly pulling back before the music culminates in an extended musical outro. Many of the instruments work in counterpoint, each additional layer contributing to an air of an unrestrained joy that is further spurred on by Springsteen’s high hums and whoops. The linear musical direction and overall impression of good cowboy fun results in the feeling that, unlike the singer of Work Song, the narrator is already on his way to his heart’s desire- though, in light of the lyrics, what this actually means is somewhat ambiguous. Are those final echoes him moving out of earshot… or his ghost ascending to the “upper room” of heaven?

We may not know for sure how either of these stories end, but we can feel the aching hope for something better. This longing is an emotional line that runs all the way through both Springsteen and Hozier’s work, though it never seems to get old. Combined with explorations of love, faith, life, death- that’s why we return to their music again and again; they are experts at playing on old motifs and universal themes in new and creative ways, their crafted melodies and narratives touching wild and industrial hearts alike.

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* I am legally obligated to include all these adjectives.

** Maria’s Bed seems to be sadly obscure even among fans; the one and only online forum discussion I have seen about the song refers to it as “not that deep”. Having written this whole essay- if Springsteen himself said that to me, I’d laugh in his face.

*** A random internet comment I can’t find anymore backs me up on this. It even specified that it was about the Santa Maria River in California, as quoted “from Bruce”. Obviously an infallible source 😊

**** It’s important that “[drinking] the cool clear waters” can totally be the description of oral sex you thought it was.

#hozier #bruce springsteen #maria's bed #work song #mynamesdrstuff #mine #this is so tonally inconsistent skjhsakd #literally have not written an essay in 3 years so #@anyone who reads this... thank u and best of luck #send me your address so i can visit you and explain my passions

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scattered--pages · 4 years

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Nothing Broken, Nothing Thrown (1/?)

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug Characters: Luka Couffaine, Anarka Couffaine, Juleka Couffaine, Couffaine Dad, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug Additional Tags: Dysfunctional Family, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, character backstory, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Family Issues, Childhood Trauma, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Abuse, Family Abuse, Will be followed with lots of comfort and support by Mari as the story progresses I promise, But there's a heapload of pain and trauma in between, just as a warning

Ao3 link: here

Notes:

TRIGGER WARNING !!! Unfortunately, this fic is going to get quite dark at times. It talks about how I envision the Couffaine family history. From their life with their father to how Luka and Juleka, as well as Anarka, ended up dealing with the aftermath of getting away from him. In between, there will be sweet moments of Marinette comforting Luka through each step of her finding out more and more about his past, but in between, this might get a bit too much for you if you are triggered by mentions of: family abuse, alcoholism, violence, self-harm, self-destructive behavior. Part of this was written based on some of my own painful experiences from the past.

Please everyone, stay safe and do not read this if you're worried that a mention or a description of any of these might trigger any negative feelings or responses in you.If you do decide to read through, you'll get a view into how I see what made the Couffaines what they are now, ultimately stronger, happier and more free and basically the entire last chapter will be Lukanette Hurt/Comfort fluff.

As always in my fics, music inspires a great deal of my writing and the writing of this first chapter was very much accompanied by Suzanne Vega's "My Name Is Luka", as well as Hozier's "Cherry Wine", both tragic but lovely and utterly amazing songs, and listening to them while reading might complete the experience. ♡Once more, stay safe and I love all of you. ♡

Summary:

"There is something very true about that saying that talks about how the happiest and kindest people often hurt the most inside, or how they've at the very least been through such hell that you would never guess that all of that was some time ago hidden with great effort behind the ever-smiling, protective, compassionate face that they always seem to wear flawlessly. And Marinette had no idea just how heartbreakingly this was true for the boy she cared for."

There is something very true about that saying that talks about how the happiest and kindest people often hurt the most inside, or how they've at the very least been through such hell that you would never guess that all of that was some time ago hidden with great effort behind the ever-smiling, protective, compassionate face that they always seem to wear flawlessly. And Marinette had no idea just how heartbreakingly this was true for the boy she cared for. For the happy, ever-supporting and bright boy for who she has now finally without any more hesitation started to develop incredibly strong feelings for. And she suddenly felt incredibly selfish and blind when she realized that there was a reason he was somehow always her shoulder to cry on and her biggest confidante lately, to such extents that even Alya could no longer compare. Because there was something so soothing, warm and accepting about him. Something that melted her in his hug every time, making most of her worries and troubles just naturally untangle themselves right in front of him, only for him to support and listen and hold her tight through it all. But he never did the same in return. In fact, as close as they were becoming, Marinette failed to realize how little she actually knew about a huge aspect of his life or his past. And perhaps, somewhere in the back of her mind, she just convinced herself that he just didn't have anything to let out as she did, that this was why he was as he was, it only made sense. But now, her heart shattered in face of her own ignorance. Now, this was what was suddenly obvious the entire time. The sheer amount of emotions, pain and trauma that one boy had to learn to suppress and move on from.

And how did she find out? By being too nosy for her own good and taking a peek at a tattered notebook that was hanging from the pile of things they had to move to the upper deck where a former ship drawing room was being re-modeled for a new room that he could have all for himself, much to Juleka's quite equal joy who now had the entire lower deck room for her own drawings, designs and horror posters wherever she wanted them.

But one old, tattered notebook put a sudden halt to a happy moving event on the Couffaine ship. Because, as Luka, Juleka, Anarka and a few of their other friends were helping with painting the room above, Marinette was clutching at her mouth, trying desperately not to alert attention to herself, trying desperately not to sob.

The old, tattered notebook with blue and green action heroes drawn all accross the front page – was a diary.

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"January 7th, 2012

Today, we went back to school. I’m kind of happy about it, though. I get to see my friends again. I get to secretly buy Juleka and me a candy bar each day on our way from school with the change money mom sneaks to us. I know dad doesn’t like us spending money when there’s not enough for all the bills, but mom convinced us it’s okay if it’s just one candy bar. That’s why I usually just buy Juleka one and maybe steal a piece. I’m worried about mom, though… Her recording studio is only booked from the end of January and dad doesn’t go on his tour til February… I hope she’ll be okay. I love mom and Juleka. I love dad, too. Even though it hurts a bit to love him in the past couple of years. But he says he loves us in spite of everything and says sorry and smiles after every time he does something bad. Mom says he just has ‘bad dad’ days and that he’ll get better once he stops taking those weird pills and drinks. I really want to become a cool musician like dad one day.

Luka”

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Snow was falling delicately against the cold Paris ground. The after effects of Christmas holidays could still be felt in the air all around. Most of the decorations haven’t been removed yet across the city and they made this chilly winter day enveloped in fog seem just a tad bit warmer. In one apartment, however, the interior didn’t match the fancy structures covering the modern building on the outside, nor the still-loving atmosphere left behind everywhere by Christmas and New Year’s Eve. This particular fancy apartment was a mess. Instruments and bottles laying about everywhere, even though Anarka cleaned them up just the night before. The air seemed to be icier than the one outside, even though you couldn’t feel it that way on your skin. But, all things considered, today’s dinner was going by fairly peacefully. Something she was very grateful for.

“Luka, Julie?”, Anarka’s cheery voice broke the silence, “How was your first day back at school?”

The raven haired little girl looked up behind her long bangs, but seemed to be too shy or perhaps too reluctant to speak. Her father noticed that and frowned. Immediately, Luka spoke up.

“It was fun”, he fiddled with his spoon around his plate and mustered up a small smile. “We’re having a talent show in two weeks organized at school”, his eyes carefully moved up to his dad, his smile still intact, and now quite hopeful, “I was thinking about applying as a contestant.”

Gaspard’s looked up and huffed out a chuckle. “To do what?”

The little boy’s smile dropped slowly. “To… Play guitar.”

Another grim chuckle.

“Don’t embarrass yourself, kid…”

“He won’t embarrass himself!”, Anarka interjected, her face baring anger and hurt that she’s been keeping down for so long that it was now slowly seeping through the cracks each time it rose up again. “He’s really good, Gaspard!”, she reached out across the table to place a gentle hand across Luka’s. “You’ll be as good as your dad one day, won’t you?” His mother’s proud smile lured his own back onto his face, but only for a moment.

Another snarky laugh. “Merde!”

“Gaspard! Not in front of the kids, again!”

His spoon made an angry clang against the ceramic before his fist met the table. “If you wanted a fucking sweet rural gentleman for a husband and a father of your kids, Anarka, you should have stayed in the middle of fucking nowhere by the southern coast and married a fucking fisherman!”

“Dad, NO, it’s okay, you’re right, I-I… I’m not good, it was a stupid idea, I won’t sign up for the competition…!”, Luka nodded, trying to stay calm and convincing even though, underneath the table, his hands were trembling. Juleka just kept staring at her plate, face down, long black hair hiding her from the world.

Seemingly satisfied with this outcome, Gaspard smirked and continued to calmly eat his soup, like nothing had happened.

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“January 16th, 2012

I’m a bit scared of dad these days. He got angry at Julie for stepping in his way when she was playing and swung his hand over her, but I managed to run in front of it and took the blow instead. She’s much smaller than me and it would have hurt her really bad. It didn’t hurt me a lot, just that my cheek was a bit purple for a couple of days, but it would have really, really hurt her. It was better this way. Dad never hit Julie before. He hit me occasionally, when he was really, really angry or drunk, and a few times he hit mom. But never Julie. He seemed to have felt bad when he realized what he almost did, it was really obvious, and he even apologized. He seemed really shaken. He even knelt down to hug us. I think he was close to crying. I was kind of happy, it was closer to how dad was a few years ago, it’s a shame Julie doesn’t even remember that dad. The fun dad. The hopeful dad. Dad’s been really, really bad since his band reunion didn’t work out and he stopped getting revenues from their music because of some issues that I didn’t really understand… I know dad can be better, if only he can stop worrying over his producer so much and if he stopped drinking. I know it. Deep inside, he’s a good dad, he really is. He gives us toys. He’s always sorry when he hits me and mom. He’s just going through a rough time, because his band isn’t as popular anymore, that’s at least what mom says. She says he’ll get better one day. I hope so too. Because sometimes I’m worried that mom is only saying that cause she’s scared of him. And my mom is never scared of anyone else, except him. I’m a bit more scared than usual, too. I’m not being very good, because I decided I really want to sign up for that talent show anyway and I’m going to get mom to get dad there by saying it’s a teacher-parent meeting or something. Cuz I really like playing the guitar. And if I show to my dad how good I am, he’ll finally be proud of me, too.”

-------

“I will not hear any of that, last month we had enough money, what the hell are you doing anyway?!”

“I only start recording in ten days, I’ve been practicing and gathering enough songs and material until that day comes, Gaspard!”, Anarka was collecting the pile of unpaid bills that she organized on the table an hour ago in preparation to talk to her husband, although now they were thrown astray. “Gaspard, I love you, but you need to realize we’re not young anymore, both of us, we can’t afford this place, we can’t afford this whole lifestyle! We can’t afford your… y-your…”, she faltered, her lower lip quivering in regret of even letting that slip out. Because sadly, nothing good will come of it. Nothing ever does.

Her husband advanced towards her and the usually brave and bubbly woman in front of him now instinctively took a shaky step backwards.

Gaspard smiled a wicked smile, twisted in the terrified irony of him being almost happy that she was able to make him mad again. Another release, another situation to explode in order to make himself feel better. “No-no, Anarka… Sweetie… Finish that sentence…”, he cocked his head in faux inquisitiveness as he continued quite literally backing her into a corner. “My? What? My d-d-drugs…?!”, he mocked the way her mouth quivered, too terrified to know if she should speak or not. “My booze?!” His hand slammed against the wall next to her. “You think you’re so much better than me, don’t you?”, his voice quieted town but the venom that dripped from it now seemed thicker. His head whipped back at Juleka holding her doll and her knees against her chest on the sofa, “All of you do!!!”, he bellowed, his voice filled with rage, breath filled with gin and head filled with complete disbelief of how his entire family could be so vicious and not see that he was, in fact, the real victim here.

“You!”, he pointed at his wife, “You were just Jagged’s lost little groupie when I found you!!! ‘Nanarky’…”, he imitated Jagged’s voice like a child imitating that one kid they really didn’t like, “Give me a break! And now he is being a superstar and I’m being a failure, I’m being forgotten?!”, he laughed, but it sounded so wrong that it filled Juleka’s eyes with tears, “Were you fucking him before me, Anarka?”, he tilted her chin up, “Is that why he even placed you in his band?! You were his whore, I know you were!!!”, he was screaming again and the shaking woman in front of him was suddenly filled with gust of courage as she pushed him away, whiping the tears off of her eyes in one swift movement before she faced him again.

“I will not let you insult me or my children anymore, I will not let you talk like that again!”, she roared and, for a second, he seemed genuinely shocked by the sudden shift in the usual way she reacted to situations like this. He could usually control her, no one else could, but he could. And he really didn’t like that he didn’t succeed in doing that now. “I was a good musician, a great one, you were the one that made me leave the band, you were the one who made me believe you actually cared about me…”, the tears started rushing in again, her voice breaking but not faltering, “That you wanted a family with me, that we could do this together! YOU are the one who ruined us all!”

Suddenly, she collapsed into a chair next to her and started uncontrollably sobbing into her hands. Tired, desperate, scared, and hopeless. For a minute, there was no sound other than those heart-wrenching muffled sobs, echoing across a living room far too big for the financial status of their family lately, and the wind outside. Gaspard leaned against the table, his head in his hands. It was so quiet. Too quiet. Because it was quiet enough for one sound to finally be heard in the other end of the apartment…

His fists clenched.

“I fucking swear…”, he turned towards the hallway, “If that is a guitar I hear… That boy is dead…”

“GASPARD, NO!!! YOU WILL NOT TOUCH HIM, YOU WILL NOT HURT LUKA AGAIN!!!”, Anarka all but screamed as she flew after him, chasing his raging footsteps as they stormed down the hallway, grabbing at his shirt to pull him back, “You can’t be jealous at your son, Gaspard, he is your son, you can’t hurt him again, y-!” – a loud thud was heard as he flung her across the narrow space into the wall behind them and slammed open the doors to Luka’s room.

There, on the floor, sat the little shaggy haired boy, guitar in his lip, frozen in fear.

“D-Dad, I-I didn’t mean to, I-I…”

Gaspard took a deep breath and took a much calmer tone, “Give that guitar… to me, boy…”

“Dad, no! I-!”

“You will OBEY me, you little shit, or you’ll become a worthless piece of shit like your mother there!”, he pointed back at Anarka, her hands covering her mouth, eyes staring at Luka, afraid that if she moved, she would doom her son even more.

Luka stood up. Jaw trembling and eyes filling with tears, but his shoulders were straight and his head tilted up. “No.”

“Luka…”, Anarka let out a horrified whisper.

“What… did you say to me, boy?!”, the old rocker let out another one of those chilling laughs before it stopped as abruptly as it began its bellowing and in one swift step, he took a step forward, snatched the guitar roughly from his son and turned to the side, holding it by its neck and swinging it above his head.

“DAD, NO!!!”, the little boy cried out, and Anarka used the chance to run over to him and take him in her arms, “NOO, PLEASE DAD, PLEASE, I WON’T PLAY IT AGAIN!!!”, he tried in vain to try to wrestle out of his mother’s arms, “DAD, NO, PLEASE, IF YOU JUST HEAR ME, YOU’LL BE PROUD OF ME, AND IF-IF NOT I’LL NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN JUST DON’T, DAD, PLEASE IT I-“

For a second, it seemed like everything turned completely quiet and still... Until a deafening sound broke the eerie silence, loud, sharp, violent.

Hundreds of splinters flew across the room.

CRASH.

The strings held the remains of the broken pieces, sticking at each side like ruffled hay.

CRASH!

Luka’s whole body went loose in his mother’s arms as she held him even closer to her, sobbing into the back of his head. He could feel wetness gathering in his eyes, but somehow, felt completely numb and empty in that moment. His one escape, his one love, the one thing he was good at – was destroyed.

The old rocker dropped the wooden remains and ran a finger through strands of course long, half-grey hair and left the room in silence.

And Luka playing the guitar was never mentioned again, at least not in that apartment.

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“February 18th, 2012

I don't talk to dad much anymore. He doesn't like me talking much anyway, I annoy him all the time and it makes me sad that I can't do anything good enough so I kinda stopped trying for awhile. I wish we could be happy. When we were younger, Julie and I, it was better than now. Things weren't perfect, but we were kinda happy. Happier than now. Dad was happier. And mom wasn't crying all the time. I wish dad still loved mom. And mom him. I wish dad loved us. I don't really think he loves me at all. I feel really empty and sad... Teacher asked me if I'm okay because my grades aren't really okay anymore. They've been going bad for awhile now, but I actually failed a few tests lately. I begged her not to tell my mom and dad and she seemed really worried, maybe because I cried, and she promised she won't, if I try to make those grades better. She asked me if I was okay. I said I was and smiled. But really, I don't really think I am. I kind of just want to disappear all the time lately.

Luka"

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The once fancy and happy apartment on the second floor was more messy than usual. But not the kind of creative mess that Anarka liked. And neither did Gaspard, even though he was mainly the one who caused it, proceeding than to attack his wife for why things aren't tidier around here. However, oddly enough, the air in the apartment was a bit calmer these days, but Luka and his little sister still had trouble sleeping every night so Anarka re-started the tradition of reading them bedtime stories. They would all huddle up in Juleka's room in the evening, wrapped up in a blanket on each side of Anarka as she quietly told them stories about her hometown by the French coastline. About the ships there, about how there was a legend that it was built by pirates long ago after a very powerful and successful group plundered so much throughout their journeys that they decided to settle down here and after generations and generations, their families and descendants still live there. About how her father taught her how to tie sailor's knots and how to perch up a sail when she was about Luka's age, and about how the sea was always a place where she felt the most free and peaceful. How when you're in the middle of the blue water, lulled by the quiet murmur of the waves, you don't need lullabies or bedtime stories, it is so serene and perfect that it can ease your soul into a blissful sleep within seconds on calm, starry nights. Eventually, she started promising them how, if things ever get even worse, she would take both of them and they would sail away, like her ancestors, and they would fight and plunder evil people, overcome even the worst storms because, when the waves get so high and dark that you can already feel the salt suffocating your throat before it even hit you, than, in that moment, is when every true sailor can use their inner strength to its fullest and find a way to take control of the sea and survive. Because there is no storm that a pirate can't defeat. And they are, after all, pirates. So no storm can ever do them any harm.

A lot of the time, Luka and Juleka's father wasn't even home these days, and when he came home, he was cold as ice, but at least he was mostly quiet and unphased. He didn't like them bothering him, he didn't really even want to see them occasionally, and occasionally, Luka would even see him cry and then, for a moment, he would hope again, just briefly, that maybe, just maybe, he still cares. Maybe there's still a way to reach to him, to fix all of this. But Luka never tried, and he didn't even know how. Somehow, these moments only made him feel even more miserable afterwards. And then he would lock himself up in his room, he'd crawl under his blankets, he'd push away his action figures and notebooks and he'd cry as well. Sometimes for a very long time. Sometimes he wasn't even sure why. But he did feel a bit better, from broken to numb, when the rush of tears was over. He started re-telling their mother's stories to Juleka, convincing her that truly, one day, they really would all escape all this, sail away from Paris, and then everything would be okay. Because the sea fixes everything. And because they can beat any storm, because they're pirates, mom said so.

One of these evenings around a very tension-filled mid-February, things seemed like the usual. Or at least what 'usual' meant lately. Outside, Paris was still decked in bright, crimson colors, snow covering happy, bright Valentine's day decorations strewn across every cafe veranda and against many windows in the city centre apartments. Inside their apartment, once again, it was just cold. And not much else. This time, the chill reached both figuratively and literally into the tenants of the large apartment on the second floor of the condominium complex. They shut off their heating a few days ago because Anarka couldn't pay their heating bills anymore, but a kind neighbour borrowed them two moveable electrical radiators that they mainly used in their bedrooms and in the kitchen in the morning when she made them breakfast. It had to be plugged into electricity, which they still had, but it never went outside of Anarka's mind that next month, she won't have enough for electricity either, third month in a row, and then, she didn't know what she would do and how she would keep her children warm. But their lives now were lived day by then, built on promises of everything somehow getting better, on enduring everything like they did so far.

Gaspard, however, wasn't as happy with this. But he didn't really have enough will-power to do anything about it, which only fuelled his rage, making him spend the little they had on alcohol and colorful tablets that Luka thought looked like bonbons but he knew how dangerous they were and had to keep Juleka from accidentally eating them a few times, thinking they were candy. Because Gaspard no longer cared enough to at least hide them or keep them away at all. They were strewn all over the place, just like the bottles, clothes, dishes, and the pieces of their family that seemed to never have been quite whole at all.

One night, Anarka made sure Luka and Juleka washed their teeth and got ready for bedtime, one of the radiators, a bit old but practical and doing what they were intended to do, was buzzing idly in the bathroom as she helped Juleka get into her pyjamas. It got so cold that they all slept in one bed in her room. Gaspard usually passed out in the living room, fully clothes, wrapped in his coat, so he didn't mind anyway. Sometimes, he wouldn't even come home for days at a time. But today. He cared. Or minded, to put it better. The last resort he had to feeling alive and fine with this whole situation was an abundant combination of brandy and those colorful tablets, but there wasn't enough money left for him to steal from their savings anymore to buy as much as he needed and slowly, but dangerously, Gaspard was breaking along the edges.

"Anarka!", he bellowed from the living room, his voice laced with alcohol - 'fortunately' for him, that, was still fairly cheap to obtain, so his solution was to simply replace the role of pills in his daily concoctions by just consuming a double dosage of liquor in whichever shape or form he could find and buy it. "It is fucking FREEZING here!"

His wife adjusted her glasses shakily and peeked from the bathroom doors, gesturing for Juleka not to come outside. Luka peeked from their bedroom and instantly slid back behind the door frame as well. "We didn't have enough for heating this month, Gaspard", she said carefully, "You know that."

"How?!”

“Gaspard… There hasn’t been enough money… I got my pay for the recordings I did, but… Your revenues still haven’t started coming in again and this apartment costs a fortune just to maintain and-and…”

“Jesus fucking Christ, woman, that doesn’t answer my question!”, he spread his arms wide and turned around, looking around the place with a murky gaze, “I’m the guitarist of the world famous Dark Concords, we should be able to afford double as big of a place than this!”, he stared of into the distance, eyes focused on an unidentifiable spot on the wall. Anarka’s eyes teared up.

“Please, mon cher, you’re not well, you’re not sober…”, she sniffled quietly, weary of any noise she was creating, any annoyance she may be presenting. “And you haven’t been a part of the Dar Concords for a few years now, mon cher… You know th-“

“ I was a STAR, Anarka, I was bathing in money, we had enough for CENTURIES, what did you buy, where the fuck did it disappear suddenly?!"

"It's been disappearing for awhile now, Gaspard...", still calm and cautious, she attempted to muster up a brief explanation, like she was talking to a dangerously disobedient child that she didn't want to upset again instead of to a husband who, when he was sober, already knew all of this all to well, "I didn't buy anything out of the ordinary, you know that..."

"HOW is that possible?! Where the fuck did it go then if you didn't waste it?!", he advanced towards her, arms clenching

"Gaspard, please... We-We've been over this... We'll talk about this again when you're not like th-"

"Like WHAT, Anarka?! You don't like me like this, I KNOW that, I know that you've started abandoning me ever since things went even a BIT away from picture perfect!", his eyes almost seemed teary, but the way his frame shook was so violent and terrifying that wasn't capable of awakening any sympathy. Anarka gently pushed Juleka inside the bathroom as the little girl with the long black hair scuttled behind her to peek out. Her mother made sure to quietly but securely close the door to keep her away from what was happening, again, on a night she really thought would be able to pass through without this.

"You know that's not true, Gaspard...", her voice broke, tears rolling against the corners of her lips, "You can't claim that, you know it's not true...", her voice was gentle, almost forgiving, "You know I would give everything for our family, I'm still here...", she nodded her head, "We all are... We all want you to get better and come back to us..."

"Better?", his lip quivered in a way that sent shivers down Luka's spine as he carefully watched from the barely opened door of the main bedroom. "BETTER?! After everything I've done for you, I'm still not good enough for you or the world, huh?!", his voice thundered and Anarka extended a shaky hand towards his cheek, "Gaspard, please..." -- but it was all she managed to say before her body was flung against the hallway cupboard, the side of it breaking under her as she slammed against it, blood pooling beneath the skin of her eye and cheek on the side where she was struck, blood pouring out from her nose, deep crimson as it smudged against her pale skin. Luka couldn't take it. Not anymore. No more forgiveness. No more trying. No more hoping.

"I hate you...", he hissed through clenched fists, face dark as the face of a child his age shouldn't be capable of being. "I. HATE. YOU!", the boy screamed, a second before patters of bare feet started violently running against the cold tiles in front of him as he basically charged at his father in full speed. What followed happened so fast that, within a second, an angry hand pushed back, full force as well, but this time coming from a much bigger and more dangerous source, just a small shove, a throw for the man, a movement that almost seemed easy from how quick and effortless it was, but the damage it left proved a stark, chilling contrast to this. All that could be heard in one moment was the loud, shrill smashing of broken glass of the door leading from the hallway to the living room, before a sharp metallic smell filled the air. Red soaked his teal pyjama shirt in such amount that made it quickly started cling to his skin like a wet tissue, pouring from his head, side side, his back, it was horrifyingly difficult to tell.

"LUKA!!!", the scream of a mother, broken, was shrill and so engulfed in pain that it would break even the hardest heart. Her own pain didn't matter anymore because, somehow, she was by her son's side in a flash, trying desperately to cradle him as carefully as possible in her arms, not minding the shards, but minding not to make them stick into his skin even further. "No, no, no, no, no... My baby boy... My sweet, brave little boy... My angel, no, no, no, what did you do... What did you do?!", her words were dragged along with her sobs, directed at the man now holding his hand in his hands, suddenly confused, dazed and afraid as his family had never seen him. He tried to say something, mouthing words akin to 'I'm sorry' over and over, but Anarka couldn't even look at him, she just cradled her boy and repeated the last words she said like a torn mantra a few more times, before she snatched the phone from the broken cupboard and dialled the emergency services.

Her husband didn't stay to wait for her to finish the call. He backed away into the entrance door, opened it shakily and ran outside aimlessly. In that exact moment, Juleka rushed from the bathroom, shivering as she jumped down into her mother's arms, sobbing, whimpering, stretching out a small, shaky hand to clumsily but tenderly smooth it against her brothers dark hair, wet with blood, as he mumbled out words they couldn't understand... to her? To his mother? Was he even conscious? Were they pleas for help? The sounds were so disfigured that Juleka thought her brother must have forgotten how to talk from the blow of the fall, but she still tried to make him feel better, tapping at his hair with her little hand like their mom used to do when she would put them to sleep every night. Slow, calming, humming.

It was an aching image of love, tragedy and family in the worst, most wrong way possible, hurting and seeping at the edges, tearing apart. Of three people trying to make each other safe when they couldn't even protect themselves any more at this point. And so they remained, the three of them, together, until the emergency workers tore them apart and placed Luka's screaming, desperate, terrified mother into one van, a kind nurse administering something that she kept promising would calm her down, they wrapped Juleka in a blanket and placed her beside her mother on the stretcher in the first vehicle, as they rushed Luka into another, bandages, panicked personnel and I.V. tubes blocking the view at the boy's broken frame. As Juleka watched them closed the door, for some reason, a sheer surge of terror coursed through her and she felt this incredibly strong fear that she may not see her big brother any more after this and immediately broke into tears again, this time even louder, more terrified, her quiet voice suddenly spilling into screaming, gut-wrenchingly painful sobs that out-voiced even the muffling, loud roar of the red and blue sirens of the emergency vans that were rushing them away from the hell of broken glass, broken promises and a home that seemed to have never really been a home at all...

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The last few pages was Luka writing up what the nurses, his sister and mother told him about the whole event after he woke up a few days later, with a lot of stitches, an arm broken in three places, hip fractured, head throbbing, his small body heavy and tired, and skin still ghostly pale and aenemic from the lack of blood that still didn't quite fix itself back to normal even after a couple of days of transfusions and I.V. treatments and horrible headaches that couldn’t pass from even the strongest medications that they were able to give him. But he was alive, and they all said it was a miracle that he was after how his tiny frame smashed through those doors. He was concussed and hurt and broken, but alive. And he will be okay. For Anarka and Juleka, this was enough, and the poor woman started yelling at the doctors when they offered to explain to Luka himself the state he was in. Instead, she was intent on somehow making her children forget all about what happened. She said one of the boats stationed at the Seine’s shores is being sold and that her family will borrow her some money to buy it. They’ll finally have their boat, they’ll finally be pirates, free and happy and away from everything bad, taking life as it is, never staying at one place for too long and never having to worry about anything. She assured them of this. And Luka thought that, perhaps, she was just trying to shelter them, or at least to distract and shelter him from remembering all that happened that night, but in fact, she didn’t even need to try too much, Luka didn't remember a single thing from that day. At least at that point when Juleka secretly told him about everything, with teary eyes and hands that clutched at his hand on the bed so tightly that he thought she would never let him go. But he didn't ask her to. If all he could do now to make her feel better was to let her hold his hand for as long as they let her, he didn't mind in the slightest. And if all that helped calm his mom down was to avoid the topic of what put them in this mess in the first place, well that wasn't a difficult task either.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking part of this particular entry though, and the conclusion of the entire journal, was the final note about how he wondered, still, after they've told him about all that transpired, if his dad will come to visit him. Because he missed him...

"Marinette...?", a soft voice with only hints of panic woke her up from her trance. It was only than that she realized she set there on the floor, the notebook in her lap - which Luka most definitely recognized - hand over her quietly sobbing mouth, tears pouring for what could have been an eternity after she finished that last page.

Hesitant and careful, Luka stood at the entrance to the room on the boat that he used to share with his sister, in times that marked the beginning of much happier years than those whose end was described in that small journal, written in that large but cold apartment further uptown in Paris. He wasn't sure how much she read of it and it was as if he didn't know how to react. Of course, deep inside, in a way, he felt exposed, embarrassed, as one would of someone, especially someone he cares about discovering a darker side of his life that he tried very hard to hide and bury deep, deep into the past, but more so than any of the self-consciousness he might have felt, he was worried at the state that diary left Marinette in.

But just as he parted his lips to say something, the small, shaken figure on the floor sprung up suddenly, closed the distance between them and leapt into his arms, holding him more tightly against her than she ever did. If this was in any other circumstance, he might have blushed, he might have chuckled, but right now, the only meaning this embrace had was a consolation and validation of how horrific the things he went through were, as well as of how, in spite of them, he was still here, someone knew about this, or at least about a part of it, and they still loved him and accepted him instead of judging him or feeling sorry for him. Because that wasn't an embrace of pity. It was of support, of love, something he never got outside from Juleka and his mother because he never dared tell anyone about this, his 'new' life completely replacing his 'old' one in a way that he didn't even dare mention it in fear of ruining everything. Maybe people would have even judged him for how broken he got after it all because maybe other people had it even worse.

But someone else knew now.

Someone finally knew, and they accepted it with love and, for the first time in forever, Luka was the one being cared for, consoled, cradled in someone's arms, instead of it always being the other way around. And he didn't mind it being the other way around, hell he made sure it was always mainly the other way around but, god. This gripped him to his core and brought him back into the state of mind and emotion of that little boy, standing at the entrance of his room, scared and excited whenever he would see his dad come home, broken and hopeful, persistent until he became angry and terrified and heartbroken and nothing more.

"Marinette...", was all he managed to whisper, voice cracking against her hair, arms wrapped around her pulling her even closer, nearer... The girl who now exposed all of his cleverly hidden and masked broken pieces while instantly managing to hold them together and patch them up, bit by bit, teardrop by teardrop as they cried in each other's arms, second by second of desperate hands clutching at each other, unwilling to part as if they were holding onto one another for dear life.

And if a single punch, a throw, could have broken him so thoroughly, physically and emotionally, as that one did more than seven years ago, than this one embrace was enough to stitch together years of suppressed pain, fears and loss, blissfully, fiercely, all at once.

“Do… Do you want to know what happened afterwards?”

Gently pulling away to look at him, Marinette blinked her tears away and nodded firmly.

“Tell me everything, please.”

#lukanette #luka couffaine #lukanette fic #juleka couffaine #anarka couffaine #dad couffaine #angst #tw: family abuse #tw: violence #tw: alcoholism mention #mine

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lydiastormborn · 4 years

Text

Answer 21 questions, then tag 21 people you’d like to get to know better

tagged by: @ishidasui thanks marie it’s been ten years since i made a txt post on here

nickname(s): olakun comes the closest me thinks

zodiac: cancer

height: like 165cm

last movie i saw: portrait of a lady on fire. it was good, god the cinematography of brittany... take me there

last thing I googled: light up the night

favorite musician: hozier, f(x), shinee,...

song stuck in my head: life saver by ren

other blogs: i had anime sideblog but then it died lol

do i get asks? no lol

following: 99

amount of sleep: a mess.... around 7-8 usually

what i’m wearing: red sweat pants, yellow tank top and pink sweater

dream job: feeling mariekun in that i’d like to not work and still earn lots of money.... idk quality control in food industry would be alright

dream trip: ahh there are so many but i’m drawing blank rn.... def would like to go to japan and new zealand

favorite food: pasta...

play any instruments? sadly no... always wanted to tho, saxophone or piano would be swexy

languages: polish is my native, my english is pretty alright, i had french for six years but like. this fact sounds fake? a tiny bit of spanish and japanese

favorite songs: gonna name some that i listen to a lot recent-ishly:

kakusei by superfly

sad day by fka twigs

i beg you by aimer

alterlife by rina sawayama

tbh all vocals from promare ost sorry it be like that

random facts: 1. was drinking beer while doing this 2. next ~3 months of my life? basically godspeed get rekt

describe yourself as aesthetic things: scented candles, ocean waves, tea, leather and denim jackets, making 1534 lists

tagging @violemma @portanto @theresagray only if you want to etc etc

#o.txt

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reciprocityfic · 5 years

Text

a slight return home, chapter 5

Title: A Slight Return Home Fandom: The Walking Dead Pairing: Rick x Michonne Rating: T Summary: Rick’s death shakes Michonne’s world to its core. With her daughter and her remaining family, she tries to navigate her changed life, and all the struggles and surprises that come with it.

Author’s Note: Hi guys! Here's chapter 5 of A Slight Return Home. It's short, and a little different stylistically than I've been writing in this story so far, but I hope you like it anyways.

I listened to Shrike by Hozier while I wrote this, from his new album Wasteland, Baby! The title of the chapter comes from that song. The whole album is really amazing, and I encourage you to listen to the whole thing.

read chapter one on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter two on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter three on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter four on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter five on archive of our own or ff.net

remember me, love, when i’m reborn (interlude)

Sometimes she thinks that he isn't dead.

It's silly, she knows. It's stupid. And most importantly, it's impossible.

Because she saw him. She saw him, standing before the bridge, a herd ambling towards him. He was covered in blood - in so much blood. She could detect the desperation - the resignation - in his eyes even with the distance between them, and she just had to get to him. She just had to get to him, and be there with him, because together, they could do it, because they were the ones who lived, because they didn't die, and she just had to get to him.

And then…

And then.

It didn't matter that they never found his body. She saw him. She watched it happen. She watched angry hues of red, yellow, and orange violently blossom and ravage the sky. She felt the heat of flame on her skin. She heard the ringing in her ears for a week afterwards, an incessant hum that taunted her, hissing reminders of her new truth at her in every still moment.

he's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead…

He's dead. He's dead, and it's impossible.

Time passes. And she watches her children grow.

Judith's personality reveals itself more and more with each new day. She has her father's bravery, her mother's tenacity and wit, and her brother's heart. She gets taller, her blonde hair gradually turns brown, and her eyes darken to a deep hazel.

She changes. She's no longer the baby she cried over at the prison, nor the little girl that lost her father, all those years ago. She's different. A bit harder, a bit wearier. But there's still a brightness in her eyes, a hopefulness in her heart. An innocent naivety that she promises to preserve as long as it's safe to do so.

RJ turns into a little person, with his father's thick curls and brilliant smile, and her chocolate eyes and soulful laugh. Green is his favorite color. Apples are his favorite food. He loves to draw and paint with his sister, and build toy train tracks and sing songs with his mother.

His favorite thing to do is listen to stories about his father. He stares up at his mother, or sister, or the two of them together, with wide, shining eyes, caught up in every word that falls from their lips. And when they're finished, he asks for more, begging to listen until someone is needed elsewhere, or until he drifts off to sleep.

Her children are her light. The only illumination in the constant darkness of her life. And her only aim is to love them, to protect them with her entire being. With her last, dying breath.

And she clings to them, with all her might.

Sometimes she thinks that he isn't dead.

It's impossible. She knows.

But sometimes, she'll wake up in the morning, and she'll feel him. Not his spirit, or his soul. Him. Like their atoms are entwined together with bonds wholly impervious to any amount of distance or time. Like they're connected by some cosmic, invisible string.

And she can feel him. He's not next to her. Not there with her. But she's filled with the inexplicable knowledge that somewhere, out there, he's waking up too.

Sometimes, she'll watch Judith and RJ together, and when she smiles, it puts a pang in her heart. And not just because he's not here with his family. With her. But because he's somewhere, out there, and he's so far away. Because he's not where he's supposed to be.

But she pushes those feelings back, files them away in some dark, rarely-touched corner of her brain. She vows never to feel them again. They're useless. Empty. Will only do more harm than good.

She was there. She saw it happen. He's dead.

He's dead. He's dead, and it's impossible.

Time passes. And it gets easier, just like Aaron said it would.

But it doesn't get better.

She still misses him with the same searing pain, that steals her breath in quiet moments and dizzies her. There's still a hole in her heart, gaping and pouring blood. She's still a puzzle with a missing piece, forever searching for a completion that doesn't exist for her anymore.

She learns how to deal with it - how to function while irreparably wounded - and in that way, it gets easier.

But it doesn't get better.

(She's accepted the fact that it never will.)

Sometimes she thinks that he isn't dead.

It's impossible, she knows. She knows.

And she swears to stop thinking it, to never believe it, to beat it down and extinguish its burning so it never returns. Because it's futile. Meaningless. Will only do more harm than good.

She saw him, she saw it, he's dead.

(he's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead...)

He's dead. He's dead, and it's impossible.

But sometimes.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, she thinks that he isn't dead.

(Sometimes, she thinks he's somewhere, out there. She just has to find him.)

A/N: There ya have it!

Like I said, this chapter is short, and a little different, but it's really supposed to serve as a setup for the second part of this story. I'd love to know what you thought of it!

See you (hopefully) soon!

xoxo, Rebekah

#richonne #richonne writing network #richonne fic #richonne fanfiction #the walking dead #twd fanfiction #asrh

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toogoodmusic · 5 years

Audio

TOO GOOD TUESDAY INTERVIEW: G Flip

________________________________________________________________

Australian singer, songwriter and all around bad-ass drummer Georgia Flipo better known as G Flip just released her debut album About Us last week. The ten song project chronicles G Flip’s on-and-off again relationship with her current girlfriend. Starting off as a drummer for various other people, G Flip decided to start her own project which began with the release of her debut single, “About You” – a synth and emotional song with big drums incorporated. The song blew up and propelled G Flip’s solo career right off the bat. About Us is just the beginning for this talented artist as she continues an impressive festival circuit inclusive of a fall headlining tour and spot on the Falls Festival line up – which has always been a dream of hers to play. Lucky for Too Good Music, G Flip took some time out of her busy schedule to do an e-mail interview. Check out the full interview below to see how she got her start in music, what draws her to the drums, what the most personal song off the album is and so much more:

________________________________________________________________

TOO GOOD MUSIC: Starting from the beginning – what’s your earliest memory of music? When did you know you wanted to pursue it as a career?

G FLIP: When I was 3 years old my family went to a Christmas party in the park. There was a local band set up playing some classic tunes on a little stage. I had just been gifted a children's sized play guitar and happened to have it in the car. I asked Dad to go get it from the car for me. He came back with the guitar, gave it to me and I took it without a word and walked directly onto the stage. I stood alongside the band without saying a word to them and strummed away, bopping along to the songs they were playing whilst I pretended to play along with them for every single song. It was my late Poppy's proudest moment of me.

Source: G Flip | Photo Credit: Reuben Moore

TGM: Ha! that’s a great story. So you went from crashing sets on stage to a debut album - congrats on, About Us by the way - it’s been a while since I fell in love with an album...it’s an incredible debut. What’s the meaning behind the name of the album? What can fans expect off this album that is similar or different to previous releases?

GF: Why thank you!! The meaning is quite straightforward actually. Most of the songs were written about my on and off relationship with my girlfriend. I hadn’t seen her in a year back in 2017 and when we caught up she asked me, “Are you still playing drums, who are you playing for now?” And I told her, I’ve decided to go solo I’m no longer drumming for people anymore and I’ve made a heap of tracks in my bedroom studio. She was inquisitive and wanted to hear the tracks, I was very reluctant as every song was about us. So it felt fitting to just call it that, About Us.

TGM: I agree - sounds fitting! Which song on the album are you most excited for fans to hear? Which one was the most personal to release?

GF: I'm super excited for my fans to hear “2 Million.” It’s by far my fave tune on the record. After “About You” blew up, my world expanded from my bedroom to the world and my life started drastically changing. So this song follows a timeline of my life from when I got my first guitar, to (hopefully) buying my first home, to falling in love, getting married, growing old until I pass away and all that’s left is the stories I told on earth through my music. It’s trippy to think that, as songwriters even when we are gone we have left stories behind on earth.

Source: Facebook

TGM: I always think about that quote that goes “You die twice in this life: one time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.” It’s really crazy to think about what we leave behind and can outlive us. In that same vein what song(s) have inspired you the most throughout your career?

GF: There aren't really any particular songs that have inspired me to do what I do, but there’s definitely bands and artists that I have listened to my whole life.

The Rolling Stones, Joan Jett, The Clash, Rancid, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley, Usher, Beyonce, Paramore, Florence + the Machine, The Internet, Rihanna, Miguel, D’Angelo, N*E*R*D, Hozier, Bon Iver, Justin Timberlake, Benee, Joji, Stevie Wonder, Kanye West, Blink 182, Elliphant, HAIM, Jamie T, Jeff Buckley, No Doubt, Linkin Park, Dave Brubeck, Bill Evans, Leon Bridges, Dominic Fike, Lizzo, The Teskey Brothers, Frank Ocean, Matt Corby etc.

TGM: Great list. What’s been the best piece of advice – music, life or otherwise – that you’ve gotten?

GF: I once read this quote that said “Create the things you wish existed” it has stuck with me ever since.

Source: G Flip | Photo Credit: Reuben Moore

TGM: That’s a great quote and think a great mindset to have while creating art. Shifting gears a bit, you recently played Lollapalooza in Chicago as well as some additional festivals and have an Australian tour set for the fall. What’s a G Flip show like? What’s your favorite part of taking your music on the road? What’s the most difficult?

GF: There’s a lot of drums and drums solo’s. It’s high energy and when I’m not behind the kit I’ll be running around jumping. Me and my 2 best mates that I play with on stage switch instruments every song, so i'll be on keys, then on bass, guitar, drums or just with the mic.

TGM: Speaking of music festivals, I just saw your story where you posted a video from 2017 explaining how cool it would be to play Falls Festival and you recently announced that you are! What does that mean for you and what do you have planned to make it a special show?

GF: Still pinching myself about this one! Falls has been a festival that growing up my friends always went to. It was a yearly highlight and despite spending almost all of my income on musical equipment, I did finally get to go Falls Festival in 2012. Fast forward 7 years and I'll be playing there and I'm so psyched! That's a cheeky question, I don't want to give anything away! But I do have some fun, high energy additions to the live show You'll have to wait and see.

Source: Facebook

TGM: I’m sure the fans will be ready and I’m sure there will a lot of drums! What is it about drums that you’re so drawn to?

GF: The drums are so fierce, loud and fun. You’re literally hitting things with wooden sticks, what a sick concept.

The amount of groove and rhythm you can create using all your limbs is pretty cool too.

TGM: If you could only listen to (5) artists for the rest of your life who would they be?

GF: This definitely changes every month...

1. The Rolling Stones

2. HAIM

3. Bob Marley

4. Florence + the Machine

5. Frank Ocean

TGM: What does the rest of 2019 look like for you?

GF: I'm psyched to be doing an album tour around Australia in November. I'm playing at Sound On Festival in Perth, Triple J One Night Stand in Lucindale and Spilt Milk Festival in Ballarat and Canberra with some of my favourite bands. As you mentioned I'll be bringing in the new year playing at Falls Festival! So it’s gonna be busy. Hopefully I get a week off somewhere to take the Mrs. somewhere on a getaway too.

TGM: Here’s hoping you get that week off with the Mrs. at some point but enjoy the rest of the year and congrats on the debut album!

Source: Facebook

________________________________________________________________

A HUGE shout-out to G Flip for taking the time out of her extremely busy schedule to answer some questions with Too Good Music. Keep up with her exciting fall by following along with the below links:

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umbral1s · 5 years

Text

Thanks @swingxilly for tagging me! @thebittervampire tagged me in a similar tag a while ago, so I just add the questions in the tag under a line. @swingxilly if you want to do the other questions, I tag you.

Nickname: Ellie, Eurydike, probably others I can’t remember right now Zodiac: Sagittarius Height: 182cm Amount of sleep: Around 6 to 8 hours Last movie I saw: A Star is born (and it was so sad! I was not prepared for that) Last thing I googled: American Horror Story Staffel 8 DVD Release Date (it’s september btw, which is a way too long wait!) Favourite musician: Faun, Florence + the Machine, Janelle Monáe, Hozier, Caro Emerald Song stuck in my head: Diamonds are a Girl’s best Friend by Marilyn Monroe (I love it so much) Do I get asks: nope Blogs following: 368 What I’m wearing: black skirt, black blouse and black tights. You’ll notice a pattern here Dream trip: Hmmm, I’d like to see London someday. I would be in West End as often as possible Dream job: art historian, writing about queer art history and also writing some fictional books (or perhaps mortician, if that won’t work out) Favourite food: I once made salmon and spinach in puff pastry and it was soooo good, so I’m gonna say that Languages: German, English, some French (I still can read it to a certain degree, but not much else) and a teeny tiny bit of Italian Play any instruments: I used to play keyboard and guitar as a child, but I can’t play them anymore Favourite songs: Diamonds are a Girl’s best Friend by Marilyn Monroe, Arsonist’s Lullaby by Hozier, Broken Crown by Mumford & Sons, Frau Erde by Faun, Draußen ist Freiheit from Tanz der Vampire. And a lot of other songs too Random fact: I’m into celtic music currently and listen a lot of it by Adrian von Ziegler. It’s so good and perfect for drawing and writing

time: 17:08 last song i listened to: Beren and Lúthien by Karliene other blogs: there is one and some know about it, but I’m not active on it at the time why did i choose my username: sapphic madame should be obvious. Umbralis because it means autumn in elvish (I think?) in DA. I love autumn and umbralis sounds very pretty lucky numbers: 3 relationship status: single, but I got lovely friends and an annoying cat favourite colours: black, purple, red (especially bourdeaux) and white three books: Frankenstein, The Picture of Dorian Gray and The Song of Achilles (also The Name of the Wind. I’m excited about the show and movie :D) three tv shows: Black Sails, The Alienist and Game of Thrones books I’m reading now: Dracul by Dacre Stoker and J. D. Barker how many blankets do you sleep in: Only one, except when it’s really cold I’ll add one more anything I want: a cottage in the woods would be lovely <3 + Describe yourself as aesthetic things: tall tired creature with black clothes and red-brown hair, hoarding dried roses and surrounded by scented candles

#tag #aye it's been a long waiting but here it is!

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wonderwomantobe · 5 years

Text

Tagged by @beveroni

Had to login to my computer to make it easier to copy/paste!

Rules: answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people you want to get to know better.

Nicknames: Will/Blue (online)

Zodiac: sun: sagittarius, moon: cancer, rising: taurus

Height: 5″7

Last movie you watched?: Oh damn, I don’t even remember.. In cinema it was Aquaman, but at home I watch more series than movies, really..

Last thing you googled?: uhhh a character from Bleach for reference of a drawing hahah

Favourite musician(s): I’ve been listening to Hozier a lot lately, butI don’t really have hardcore faves

Song stuck in my head: wow, none atm

Other blogs: Too many to name. A personal, an art blog, like 15 rp blogs..

Do I get asks?: Not really hahah. Whenever I do happen to get an ask it’s usually gross and I don’t answer them.

Following: 831

Amount of sleep?: 7 hrs usually

Lucky number?: 22

What I’m wearing?: A tanktop and very widelegged pants. I’m about to change into my running gear though.

Dream job?: Travelling for money, but that’s not what I’m studying for lol

Dream trip?: I really want to go to Japan. But I also went to Croatia a while ago and that was just beautiful too.

Favourite food?: I love this very specific vegan quiche I make sometimes.

Play any instruments?: I used to, but it kind of fell on the backburner for years because I got depressed and then started uni + work + all other life things, you know. I used to play the flute, djembé and piano. I only sing now.

Languages?: Dutch, English, rather poor German lol

Favourite songs?: I really love the songs from the musical Hamilton and Dear Evan Hanssen.

Random fact?: I have a neuromuscular disease --> Myotonia/Thompson’s, and it is the same disease that you see in those ‘fainting goats’ that went viral a few years ago.

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: Messy room, different haircolours every few months, piercings and tattoos, the golden hour of the day among springflowers, skulls and plants, cozy sweaters and blankets as the sun goes down.

Tagging 21 followers

@multiple-sports-bras @wrenberrries @fit-slytherin @less-flower @fit-blargh @weirdturned-pro @fatmaninalittlesuit @cookingandfitness @runningful @runningfromthecuccos @theliftingyogi @positivela @soycaptainandthegoalsoftomorrow @bratty-lifts @getting-fit-staying-fab @shapeyoursmile @mister-rubberlegs @body-knows-best @peymasprogress @iamrunspired @smaenni

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greater-things-in-life · 6 years

Text

1/4/16 7:29 pm.

Honestly, I have no purpose for this paper. I just need a distraction because I am feeling somewhat sorry for myself. It’s for stupid reasons, so that’s why I am not dwelling on the idea. Even though if all things go according to plan (there isn’t even a plan), then I shall end up talking about my distraught self soon. How about now? I think I’ll go ahead; I was never much of a writer. I could never create a plot.

There is this hella pretty gal sitting across the seat from me named Mckenzie; Anna Grace left us to go rest in the back, so I had to move away. That is part of the reason for my sadness. I like people; I like being warm and being next to them. Now, she’s reclining against the window with her small blanket around her, and I am all the way on the other end of the seat typing out this message hoping that she can’t read the small font. Today was really really soothing. I got to sit next to a pretty gal (two actually but I’m talking about my homegirl Mckenzie) and she was warm, and it was nice. Two things stand out about today. 1. The timing is ironic because Dancing In The Dark by Rihanna is playing and I would have loved to let her listen to this, as we did for about 45 minutes earlier on this trip. 2. I have no clue how I got there, but I know when I realized where I was, I did not want to move. Not at all.

I have tried talking to this lovely gal many times (for me) during this trip. I failed, of course. I am actually disappointed in myself, I would really really love to be this girl’s friend. She’s so soft and quiet spoken, so unlike what I thought she would be. She is really attractive in a sense that I cannot describe. (As you probs all know, I’m attracted to all sorts of people in many different ways. Not all romantic, just, an attraction. Maybe it’s hard to understand because it’s hard to explain.) Lately, I have been finding a numerous amount of people that my best description for them is “soft”. I wish I was a writer. I wish I could describe what I felt, the beauty in this world. Not to get off topic, but I just looked around the bus, and there is so much beauty in this small little space. All in their own sense. All for and because of one God. But as I was saying, she is soft. And I want to be her friend. I want to get to know her and discover her loud parts, what she is holding back. Not because all quiet people are secretly loud, but because we all have our experiences. Experiences that coupled with our genes and our soul, make us who we are. For some reason, she is the one who has intrigued me the most on this trip. I wish I could explain, but that is the best I am capable of at the moment. (The people up front are having a conversation, and it’s nice, and I kind of wish I was up there with them, but for some reason, I’m happy typing this out right now. I always distance myself. I wish I didn’t at times.) She is intriguing. The soft spoken lass that I know nothing about, yet I write pages for, she is intriguing.

As I was saying before I was so pleasantly distracted, I tried talking to this lass many different times. I did not do so well, but I am pretty happy with what happened today. (She’s so pretty ahhh she just reminded me of a really sleepy puppy). On our trip to Atlanta, I was able to get her to listen to some of my music, hoping that she would enjoy it, hoping we could start a conversation. I never could follow through, but it was nice when she told me that she liked my songs. Even though I doubted her, I believed her at the same time. I never can explain myself as I want others to understand me. On the way back home, we took turns listening to each other’s music, switching headphones after every song. I love listening to music with somebody. I wonder what this song means to them: if the beat gives their body good vibes or if the lyrics are meaningful to them, and if so, why? What do they think about, what memories does the melody bring back? Is it nostalgia or is it remorseful? I couldn’t figure it out with her. She was quiet; she did not move; she did not tell me anything about her song choices. It kind of frustrates me, but it just adds to the illusion that is Mckenzie Morris. From her side, we listened to Journey, Lady Antebellum, Maroon 5, and The Script. From my side, we listened to Walk The Moon, The 1975, The Script, and Hozier. In truth, I loved listening to her music more. Towards the end, I tried to stop moving my legs to the beat, tried to stop singing the lyrics that I knew. I wanted to be calm. I wanted to be like her. See if she decided to move, if she decided to dance, or sing. She made no movement. Neither did I. As it turns out, that was much much better than swaying to the sound of the music. I could feel her next to me. I could feel her warmth and her silence.

I only got 30 minutes of sleep last night (just realized that I have plenty more stories to tell). I do not regret it one bit. If not, I would not have started a small relationship with Linsey Brooke and Merritt Blackwell. And, of course, the reason for this whole paragraph, I ended up gaining my rest and comfort by somehow laying my head down on little miss Mckenzie’s lap. Anna Grace had left us to go to the back to rest. Again (technically this was the first time, but it’s my second time talking about it), I felt the need to give her her space since it was available, and on the premise that I did not want to seem like a creep. I scooted down. Lack of sleep caused my mind to believe it to be a good idea to scoot my rump as far to the side as it could go and lay my body down on the remaining space between it and Mckenzie. My head was slightly touching her legs, and I remember that it felt nice to be like that. Now, skip ahead a few minutes, (an hour?) and I wake up I’m still laying down, but this time, I feel better; I feel comfortable and it clicked where I was: right on Mckenzie Morris’ lap. It did not feel wrong. I don’t know how I got there. I don’t know if she was bothered by the fact that my ever active brain caused my sleeping body to crawl closer to her. She was soft, warm. She is not like me; she does not move about. She stays perfectly still, hands in her lap, head and eyes occasionally following the contrasts in the background of our trip as we make our way through the cites and towns and forests. Me being me, I had to move. I sat up. I believe she was asleep; I’m not sure which way would be better. (I really hope she can’t read this. That would be hella embarrassing. I mean, it’s nothing more than what is crossing through my mind. Merely a distraction from my own thoughts ((i love the irony there)). Nothing more. But yet, people seem to make it more. Sometimes I wonder if they’re right.) I do not know if I crawled into her lap while she was in a light slumber or fully awake, wondering what in the world I am doing but too polite to question it (She just woke up and this is meant to be in all caps but then that draws attention so we’ll have to settle for a small but very very significant ahh!) If she were awake, then it is kind of embarrassing that I laid my head right back down after my body realized what it did; what it had left. But if she was awake, then she also did not refute the idea. I know she was asleep at least one of the times (I picked myself up way too much but it was nice to just lay back down on her.) So I lay my head back on top of her lap, and it felt as nice as laying down on the softest blanket, better actually. Because she was real, she is a human being and she was there, and it was nice. I just lay there for a bit, thinking. It’s funny, because if anybody knows my character, I tend to be hella nervous around new people. And laying my head in this really pretty gal’s lap that I had just met!!! What??? But I did. And I did not think anything else about it other than the good things. Nothing bad. Nothing about how she probably did not want me there; nothing about how I probably made her uncomfortable (now i feel bad ohmygosh). I just did it. Strange, it really is. I fell back asleep soon after. I woke up and sat up and missed the comfort she provided and lay back down again. I am somewhat mad at myself because I did not memorize the moment to keep forever. There was not anything special about it, I just felt truly content at that moment. I think I memorized enough, though. I can still feel it.

#new

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avaliveradio · 5 years

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10.21 New Music Monday Release Radar with Jacqueline Jax

Musicians create music to express their creativity and skill. Listening to new music is an experience and an opportunity to connect with that creative spark. Explore some exciting new music from creators all over the world recently discovered by our host Jacqueline Jax as she searches the far corners of the globe for talented songwriters and music creators who are telling their truth to bring the listener a unique experience.

SUBSCRIBE to our broadcast here: www.wavve.link/avaliveradio

Listen to the Show: https://anchor.fm/ava-live-radio/episodes/10-21-New-Music-Monday-Release-Radar-Mixed-genre-playlist-with-Jacqueline-Jax-e7t8ub

Artist: Miranda Easten

New Release: Stars And Dreams

Genre: Pop

Located in: Christchurch City, New Zealand

This song reminds me of warm Summer nights spent star-gazing with good company. The music I am creating at the moment is therapeutic and honest. I'm not afraid to write about how I am feeling or what's catching my soul on fire. My new album is a mixture of biographical lyrics as well as observations I've made about current events or people and stories I've heard of.

I create music because... creating something from nothing makes me happy. I love how I can start the day with a blank piece of paper and by mid-afternoon I have created something tangible and shareable. After the music is created I will put it out there and move onto the next creation right away. I would be quite lost without a pen, paper, and guitar!

Next... I am currently recording my debut album (and several music videos) with some amazingly talented musicians and good friends. I feel very blessed to do what I love every day.

LINKS: https://open.spotify.com/artist/6tPllDnDr6rB7CS5diguqw https://www.facebook.com/mirandaeasten https://twitter.com/MirandaEasten https://www.instagram.com/mirandaeasten

Artist: CEEM

New Release: Remedy

Genre: Electro Pop

Sounds like: Black Coffee

Located in: Seattle, Washington

This release is important as it's the final single before the release of the full-length Cruel World on Oct 18th. The main theme of Cruel World is a moody and brooding blend of pop and electronica, and as an artist, the project was inspired by so many losses from 2016.

'Remedy' is a sequel to another song I wrote called 'Unbreakable' written in response to living through the 2016 terrorist attack in Nice France on Bastille day. Coming back from that trip feeling shattered and confused, the song helped put his life back together.

As cathartic and healing as writing Unbreakable was, he still felt that need to face his ultimate fear and go back to the scene of the crime. I went back to Nice July 2019 for Bastille day, alone this time, and retraced the steps and the horror that took place. I wanted to go back and finish writing Cruel World, but for the first four days I was there, the words wouldn’t come, there was some sort of glitch in my brain. I would put pen to paper and write but nothing felt authentic or genuine until I made it through Bastille day.

LINKS: Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/track/2QoZZRRxGzMGqvj1RYXgfP?si=wyY-B755TJCDJ25JRtYbGQ Twitter - @musicbyceem Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/musicbyceem Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/musicbyceem

Artist: A Permanent Shadow

New Release: Now

Genre: Indie, electronic, rock, synthpop, eighties

Sounds like: David Bowie, Moby, John Grant, Peter Gabriel, LCD Soundsystem

Located in: Barcelona, Spain

The music we are creating is... thoughtful, deep, dark yet optimistic, powerful, beautiful, catchy, hopeful, and uplifting. "Now" is a carpe diem song with which we've written a note to ourselves and other people to stop worrying about the future and thinking about the past. Life is happening NOW and we should take it by the horns and be happy.

Music is what I think about 83% of the time...

It's what I've always wanted to do and one of the very few things in life that give me total fulfillment. I adore the creative process. It is an absolute joy to write a song and then record it in the studio and observe how it is gaining shape. Apart from being a musician, I am also a fervent music fan. I never grow tired of discovering new bands and digging deeper into the catalogs of the real greats.

Right now we are...

We have just launched our first album "Songs of Loss" which the song "Now" can be found on. We are busy with promotion and also are preparing a one-off live show to be webcast soon.

LINKS: https://www.reverbnation.com/apermanentshadow/song/31155111-now https://open.spotify.com/track/3ksn7QYDyqpFZ7rsounxsT https://www.twitter.com/apermanentshad1 https://www.facebook.com/apermanentshadow https://www.instagram.com/apermanentshadow

Artist: Sleuth

New Release: Empty Room

Genre: Genre: Electronica, sub-genre: techno/trance.

Sounds like: Nine Inch Nails, Tori Amos, Portishead

Located in: Portland, Victoria, Australia

'Empty Room' has recently been described by one reviewer as an ‘experience.’ This song takes the listener inside my journey to a time when I was feeling extremely frustrated and angry. I’d tried to convince a potential colleague that I was a decent person after they had openly condemned me to others. They had stonewalled me for months because I was viewed as a competitor. Yet stupidly I’d kept trying, and kept getting shut down repeatedly in the face of their ‘solo show’. I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t see the same potentials that I could, or see that my intentions were good. The truth was of course that they just didn’t want to!

This song came from the ultimate realization that I couldn’t do anything about their lack of belief in my character or vision, despite having given up so much of myself to prove ‘there’s somehow sunlight breaking through’.

I am someone who resonates strongly with the story of the Phoenix rising from the ashes, never destroyed by the fire, so much so that I have a large Phoenix tattooed all over my back.

This song is a declaration of finally understanding the game that was being played, as well as a cathartic expression of rage, war, and victory. Empty Room draws very vivid musical images for the listener.

The Album...

'Empty Room' was released as part of my debut album Umbra Anima - meaning Shadows and Light. The album is a celebration of both the lighter and darker elements of my journey - not everything that we experience is pretty or aesthetically pleasing to all, but that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t teach us, or have value, or be recognized and celebrated. Those sentiments of the album are perhaps best expressed in my song Empty Room - a song about blazing defiantly in spite of others’ negativity and fear.

LINKS: https://open.spotify.com/album/0VlFahuWVPQp5GlCi6niSn?si=9bx2JpchQnm2vRdWyd4yBw Twitter: @sleuthmusic1 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sleuthmusician Insta: @sleuthmusic11 Bandcamp: www.sleuthartist.bandcamp.com

Artist: Nathan Lewis Thomas

New Release: The Melody

Genre: Pop: Singer-Songwriter / Alternative Pop

Sounds like: Hozier / John Mayer / James Bay / Tom Misch

Located in: Warrington, Cheshire, United Kingdom

This song is an exploration of the idea of music as a form of escapism. The Melody's stomping rhythm, rich vocal harmonies, and catchy hooks are sure to draw you in.

The music I am creating is the result of years spent honing my sound to find a style that truly represents what I'm about musically. I love compositions with a strong harmonic arrangement and I like to think that I have incorporated that into my first release.

I do this because I love it! I am very lucky to be able to work as a musician as my profession, but my work involves performing covers. As musicians will know, there is nothing like expressing yourself through your music and I am no different, which is why I have decided to release some of my material as an exciting side project to my work.

Right now I am recording my second single which will be out in December. I can't wait for people to hear my second offering.

LINKS: Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/2sHLtIl30kabkXt22Qvo2D?si=qqysRWCcTDWtHbu2F_KT-g Twitter: www.twitter.com/musicbynlt Instagram: www.instagram.com/musicbynlt Facebook: www.facebook.com/musicbynlt

Artist: MoPoNeck

New Release: Enough Love

Genre: reggae, dancehall, afro,

Sounds like: WIZKID, DAVIDO, KOFFEE,SIZZLA, VYBZ KARTEL, MOVADO,ALKALINE, AKON

Located in: Roseau , Common Wealth of Dominica, West Indies 767

This song was written based on the name of the beat. The beat was named 'Enough Love' so I tried to see where those two words appeared most in my life, and most of those times were in relationships, where my other half would ask me questions like, baby how much do you love me? Baby on a scale of 1-10 how much do you love me? But I would always answer her with, Baby please tell me how much love is enough? Cause there is no such thing as Enough Love or Too Much Love, when you are in a relationship with someone no amount of Love is too much or Enough. There is no such thing as Enough Love so I wrote this song based on this concept of Enough Love.

My direction is to showcase the music from my country to the world and keep on adding to my countries Arts and Culture by creating good songs and keeping the vibe positive. The music I am creating for fans right now is tailored more to things that they can relate to. Music that they can listen to and feel the lyrics and vibe to the melody and rhythm.

I do this because...

I was born into the first-ever music store on the island. My dad had a studio at home and a studio at this store, so while my mom was pregnant I was already listening to music while I developed as a baby in her stomach. I recorded my first song when I was 8, but I was recording myself on cassette way before then. I love making music for my friends, fans and to represent my country. What I love most about performing is making a connection with the crowd and watching them engage while I sing my lyrics. My inspiration comes naturally. I am inspired by all the things going on around me.

Right now we are...

I'm currently working on a script for the Enough Love Official Music Video to be recorded sometime next month. To subscribe to my youtube channel so you can get notified as soon as it drops.

LINKS: https://open.spotify.com/album/0ksuDkDwxbxqb6wUduFwVH www.twitter.com/moponeck https://www.facebook.com/MoPoNeck www.instagram.com/moponeck

Artist: Spontaneous Groovin' Combustion

New Release: Spy vs Spy

Genre: Contemporary Jazz

Sounds like: Down To The Bone, Fourplay, Fattburger, Pieces Of A Dream

Located in: New York, NY

"Spy vs Spy" is the second single by Spontaneous Groovin' Combustion, a Contemporary/Smooth Jazz ensemble, led by saxophonist/flutist Warren Keller, featuring original, groove-oriented music. “Spy vs Spy” pays homage to the great TV theme songs of yesteryear- think 'The Man from U.N.C.L.E.' "Spy vs Spy” is driven by an infectious sax and flute line that will have you boppin'! Though you might be looking over your shoulder to make sure you're not being followed!

We try to straddle the line between C-Jazz and Funk. "Spy vs Spy" compliments our debut single, "Kickin" It," also from 2019, in establishing the 'Spontaneous Groovin' Combustion Sound.' We want our tunes to be fun, yet provocative and slightly different than the rest- not just background music!

Right now, we're most excited about having locked-in the next single campaign, going for adds in February 2020. Early next year, we'll release that single #3 (TBD), hopefully, to even better results than the first two records achieved!

LINKS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwMPuprOTvE https://open.spotify.com/album/1sFBTZq6aL0OC7OZeh1zCg https://twitter.com/Spontaneous_GC https://www.facebook.com/SpontaneousGroovinCombustion https://www.instagram.com/spontaneousgroovin

Artist: Suniil Bhatia (Artist)/ Sound Machine (Band)

New Release: Kahani Sunil (I'm stuck in here)

Genre: Indie Hip Hop with Poetry Rap and shades of Rock Music

Located in: : Mumbai

Kahani Suno means 'Hear a story' in in English. The song is about the artist and can be relatable to any individual as its about the trials, tribulations and struggles which an individual goes through in life. In a brief translation, the song says "Hear my story which is about aspirations, struggles, sadness, times of feeling lost in the journey of life, destiny and moving on with hopes of getting a new dawn"

This music is part of an ongoing album called 'Yeh Din' which means 'These Days' in English.

One can convey one's thoughts and emotions through words and music. Performing is the way to communicate ones songs and if people are able to relate to them, the work of an artist is done. Living a life of ones dreams is the only thing which pushes us to do what we do. Am still doing what I'm doing accordingly.

Right now I am working on more songs to complete the Album.

LINKS: Reverbnation : https://www.reverbnation.com/sunilbhatia/song/31226644-kahani-suno-im-stuck-in-here Soundcloud : https://soundcloud.com/sunil-bhatia Spotify : https://open.spotify.com/album/2YN7ZCGcV9hame4JWJnwci Twitter : https://twitter.com/sunilbhatia Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/YoursMusically Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/sonu.sunil.bhatia

Artist: Bucket Boys

New Release: Won't you be

Genre: Pop music, Adult contemporary, Roots, Fifties

Located in: Mönchengladbach, NW, Germany

If you’re a fan of the 50’s sound, check out the Bucket Boys. The latest songs of the BUCKET BOYS, published in autumn 2019, are the construction box to build all kinds of stories dealing with love and hate. We have songs between yesterday and tomorrow, nice and naughty, sick & sicker.

If you’re looking for an unrealistic illustration of LOVE'N'HATE, you’ll find all you need in this sound from Rock'n'Roll to Country, from Roots to Desert-Rock. The songs are inspired by a different kind of backyard-romance and desire, tequila-driven fantasies and even all imaginable varieties of love and hate.

I do this because...

I love concerts, The Bucket Boys are still on the road. To feel dust and sweat on their skin, burnin’ heat in one hell of a night. An endless landscape of desert’s sand and burnin’ darkness in their eyes. With Tequila-driven fantasies, a taste of backyard-romance and dirty desire, are they looking for their lucky chance.

This mixture of rock’n’roll and country, roots and desert-rock, it makes them happy and is the ultimate soundtrack of a never-ending road-movie.

The Bucket Boys are promoting their new album "Love'n'Hate" and play live on the "up to honey hill-tour".

LINKS: http://www.reverbnation.com/bucketboys/song/31155604-wont-you-be http://open.spotify.com/track/63u8p69QInABgsf0TtngV3 http://twitter.com/bucketboystweet http://www.facebook.com/TheBucketBoys

Artist: Cabela and Schmitt

New Release: I Pray For You

Genre: Rock/Pop Ballad

Sounds like: The Beatles, Tom Petty, Imagine Dragons, Coldplay

Located in: Nebraska and Colorado

Cabela and Schmitt are an alternative to classic rock. Our influences come from decades of listening to great music. The song is about a couple who gave up too early. The sadness and turmoil of a love gone wrong tearing apart two hearts that give it all up before true love is achieved. And you pray that it will all work out.

This song is track eleven on our newly released album DANCING SHOES. The music comes from our souls. It's an absolute part of us.

Right now we are gearing up for the holiday season with some original Christmas songs. Also, we have been setting our goals and preparing for 2020. Lots of good marketing ideas are flowing.

LINKS: https://open.spotify.com/track/2QTgOQ4WWWVIqCPvUMdLUV?si=4Ok9qCcDTTybMCyr7kjtcw Twitter: @CabelaSchmitt https://www.facebook.com/cabelaschmittmusic https://www.instagram.com/cabelaandschmitt www.cabelaandschmitt.com

#singer songwriter #Hip Hop #Rock Music #Reggae #pop music #Cabela and Schmitt #Bucket Boys #Suniil Bhatia #Spontaneous Groovin' Combustion #MoPoNeck #Nathan Lewis Thomas #Sleuth #A Permanent Shadow #CEEM #Miranda Easten

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