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therainscene · 5 months

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Since The First Shadow has folks talking about Henry’s queerness (or lack thereof), I wanted to share my take on it as someone who tends to interpret him as gay.

I’m not going to be talking about his relationship with Patty, though -- I can’t afford to see the play and don’t want to rely on secondary sources for this, so I simply can’t comment on it. (I’m sure they’re lovely together, though.)

To me, Henry’s queer-coding isn’t a question of whether he’s literally gay -- it’s a question of what role his villainy plays in the story.

The biggest non-Patty-related criticism against queer interpretations of Henry is that it would carry an uncomfortably homophobic implication: that queers are dangerous predators.

This was a common belief in the 80s, and the show references it by having Troy chuckle at the idea of Will getting "killed by some other queer" -- a prediction that comes symbolically and unpleasantly true when Joyce finds him with one of Vecna’s vines literally shoved down his throat.

It's tempting to try and solve this problem by interpreting Henry as straight -- the homophobic implications of his child-assaulting villainy will disappear if he's not queer, right?

Well... in my opinion, no.

A key aspect of Henry's character is that he's different. Whether you interpret that difference as queerness, neurodivergence, or simply that he has powers -- the fact remains that he is fundamentally the sort of person whom society looks down upon with fear and suspicion.

If he’s not a predatory queer, then he's a remorseless psychopath. If he's not a remorseless psychopath, then he's a vessel for an evil alien. There's no way to escape the implication that he’s dangerous because he’s different.

Eddie’s character resonates with this principle too. Indeed, our introduction to him is a monologue in which he complains about being treated with suspicion just because he’s different.

Given their similarities in this regard, I think it’s interesting that the show endears us to Eddie in the same breath it makes us fear Vecna. It almost feels like a test--

We know you’ll sympathize with a weirdo who sells drugs to troubled minors when you get to see things from his perspective, but can you sympathize with a weirdo who hurts troubled minors when you don’t get to see things from his perspective? Will you jump to unfair conclusions about Henry in the same way the town jumps to unfair conclusions about Eddie?

My point here isn’t that Henry did nothing wrong or that his villainy is justified -- I’m pretty sure he did commit the murders Eddie was scapegoated for and I’m pretty sure that’s a bad thing -- but he’s always held at arm’s length from the audience. The show plays the role of Jason, encouraging us to blindly hate him on gut instinct instead of giving him a fair trial.

It’s an easy test to fail, because it does seem like we get to see Henry’s perspective -- he has a whole villain speech, after all.

But the trouble is, this speech takes place within NINA. What we’re watching is footage that has been curated by his abuser and shown through the eyes of a traumatized girl who barely understands what happened -- secondary sources who are invested in viewing him as a threat.

Consider that Henry’s hairstyle mysteriously changes during the massacre. It’s one of those subtle costuming choices that isn’t meant to be consciously picked up on, but which registers at the back of our minds and leaves us feeling unsettled -- this Henry isn’t like the Henry we were looking at before.

The obvious way of interpreting this is that the mask has finally slipped -- the “nice” Henry was fake, and now we see him for who he “really” is. But I’m not inclined to interpret it that way, because of all the hairstyles they could have chosen... they just so happened to opt for one that resembles Brenner. (Pun intended.)

This isn’t Henry with his mask off -- this is Henry as Brenner wants him to be.

Fear-mongering over the existence of queer people has long been a useful tool for those in power -- in the 80s, fear of AIDS did the job nicely -- and so too has Brenner forged Henry into a tool to further his own goals, no regard given to the harm he causes in the process.

Like the “predatory queer”, Henry is defined on his oppressor’s terms, and like Eddie, it makes him a useful scapegoat. He only became what he did because of an unethical institution, and treating him as the problem is just as short-sighted as blaming gay men for the AIDS crisis.

That isn’t to say Vecna hasn’t become a genuine threat, though. Will makes a prediction as to how S5 is going to end--

--and while I’m not expecting things to end as violently as Will implies here -- that’s not Will’s thing -- I do believe that Vecna is going to be defeated by his hand. As tragic as Vecna’s origin was, he still made his own choices once he was free from Brenner, and he’s likely too far gone at this point to be capable of earning his happy ending.

But that’s what makes it so important that Will gets his happy ending.

Queer characters have been exclusively cast as villains or tragic sadbois for so long that I can completely sympathize with people’s hesitance to embrace Henry as a tragic queer villain.

But villains only exist within the context of the heroes who challenge them... and in a show about a queer-coded villain who personifies the anger and despair of being abused for what you are, a loving gay boy who breaks the cycle of abuse by learning that he has the right to be the hero of his own story is the perfect foil for him.

#stranger things #the first shadow #byler #henry creel #eddie munson #martin brenner #will byers #my analysis #tfs spoilers

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desceros · 4 months

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Re: ableism w/Symphony Donnie: Definitely some internalized ableism but I think that’s unfortunately due to not many people knowing what exactly neurodivergence looks like and how people with it processes things differently.

Like, honestly, my biggest gripe was the recording and even that, for the SPECIFIC context of this story and Donnie as a character, it makes sense. Does it make it right? No, but if Donnie never had to think about these things before, for him it’s the same as recording everything to protect his family. Just something he does.

Also, even though my heart broke with Reader’s at her realization, MULTIPLE times reader has said Donnie says what he means and even at the beginning with the “I like you” thing I was like, “Girl, I’m going to need you to define the relationship with him.”

And I think, with Leo, even when writer’s do write him as neurodivergent, what I’ve read always has him as the he better masker whether it’s explicitly said or not. Idk if Symphony Leo is neurodivergent or not but STILL, reader has picked up that he’s good with masking which usually comes off as charming or “easy breezy beautiful cover girl”.

Idk, maybe because I know a lot of people like Donnie irl but if anything I was more frustrated at the obvious miscommunication between both of them than him directly, because as reader said, she projected her feelings on to him when he’s been super direct with his intentions.

Basically, there are sometimes where I wish people would just realize that processing the same thing between two people doesn’t always look the same and that one isn’t necessarily bad.

well-said, anon-chan!

edit: this got SPOILER!! HEAVY!! for chap. 22 and also soooo long so i'm going to tuck it under a cut. but here's some meta on symphony to explore this a bit since it's something that's very important to me and also... pretty critical to the fic itself! i don't typically like explaining myself outside of the text and letting the fic itself speak but. hm. i suppose i shall let it slide for today!

as you all have hopefully noticed by now, as an author, i like to be. hm. more subtle with things. i prefer to tuck things away versus having things be blatant in the text. and this is kind of coming back to bite me a little with donnie and his neurodivergence, i suspect.

i've tried pretty hard to make it contextually obvious that donnie's autistic. i've all but used the word. the way he behaves and communicates is heavily autism-coded.

meanwhile, the story is from viola-chan's pov, and she's neurotypical-coded (well. as much as i, an adhd-riddled autistic cat in a trenchcoat can manage).

as a result, she doesn't... pick up on donnie's problems with communication. not right away. but here, in this chapter, we see where she finally figures out what their issue has been the entire time:

…Oh. Oh god. He really doesn’t get it. You’d known, of course, that Donnie wasn’t great with people. That he doesn’t communicate well. He doesn’t pick up on cues, or use them himself. No wonder he’s always so frank in his language, you realize. No wonder he’s so comforted by the firm rigidities of science. No wonder he looked so lost. No wonder he was so perplexed.

then, she puts that into practice by being specific and precise with how she talks. and we see that she now knows how to communicate with him in a way that works for both of them. and it works for them:

God; it’s like—a breath of fresh air, you think, staring at him in a little bit of awe. It’s so easy to talk to him, now that you’re just… letting it all out. Being honest. Frank. Infuriating that you hadn’t done this earlier. Feeling your irritation deflate, you nod. “…Okay. You just—need an explanation. Clarification.” “Yes, please,” Donnie gushes, fretting a little.

it's going to take some work. she still takes things he says personally and extrapolates past them (the whole "leo being an important person" thing). but she immediately nips it in the bud and is like. no. we're not doing that anymore. so, going forward, her relationship with donnie is one that's built on learning how to develop this open communication.

of course, it's not perfect, because they're human. donnie twisting her arm into still talking to him by calling in the favor is shitty behavior. a desperate bid to keep someone close that, for some reason, he can't imagine being without. not cool. the recordings of them having sex were shitty behavior to us, people who Know Better. but when violist-chan said 'hey, that's not cool, don't do that' and donnie was given a reason why not to, he just says ok. he might not understand ("but i record everything"). but he acknowledges that there's a concern there, and he agrees to be more conscientious in the future (having a consent sheet).

now then, let's look at leo's behavior in comparison.

donnie's biggest fault was that he didn't know to check in and make sure they were on the same page with everything. leo's fault, on the other hand, is purposeful, manipulative, and cruel. his open admission that he's been manipulating her from the beginning. manipulating donnie. lying to her.

to me, this is much, much worse than what donnie did. even knowing that at some point he starts developing friendly feelings towards her—and some of their interactions were indeed genuine!—i'm with violist-chan here. i'm not going to be digging through every one trying to parse out which ones were real and which ones were him being a dickhead. they're all tainted by the stain of betrayal.

also. because it has come up in a different ask that i will be publishing probably tomorrow bc of spoiler reasons: someone said something to the effect of 'why didn't he just not say anything? he could have taken that to his grave. how selfish'. i will remind you of a conversation between violist-chan and leo that happened in the previous chapter:

“Most of all, he’s honest,” you keep going, tangling your fingers together, staring down at the way they knot at your waist. “If he says something, I can take it at face value. There’s no hidden meaning. Nothing deeper. If he says something feels good, I know it feels good. If he says he likes something, he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. If he asks for something, I don’t need to ask if he’s sure. He asks, so he’s sure. It—It’s a breath of fresh air. If I want to know what he’s thinking, really thinking, all I have to do is ask. And...” [...] Leo’s still as stone for a few moments longer, looking at you like he’s trying to decide if he wants to say something; but finally he relaxes and comes back to you himself. Reaching out, he flicks your forehead, causing you to wince and rub at it.

i think... leo maybe wouldn't have ever said anything about it. but then you said this. how donnie matters to you because he's honest. there's nothing deeper with him. it's all at face value. you never have to worry about what he's doing, what he's thinking. and that i think... really messed with leo. because he knows he hasn't been honest with you. you can't trust what he says at face value. you do have to worry about what he's doing. and for you to say that that's the main thing you love about donnie—it messed with him. so, even though he knew it would jeapordize the relationship with you, even knowing he wanted to put this off for as long as he could, even though, even though, he decides he has to tell you. he has to come clean.

so even though it feels like shitty, selfish behavior... it's actually him trying to do right by her for a change. to conform to what she looks for in a relationship (both romantic and platonic). it just... didn't go over so well, predictably. most people don't like hearing that not one, but two of their most precious relationships were built on a foundation of misunderstandings or lies.

side note. i do headcanon leo as having adhd that primarily manifests itself as an inattentive form. i don't suspect it has much to do with his behavior here... save perhaps for some possible rsd being triggered when violist-chan is like 'ok actually go fuck yourself i'm out of here.' i don't find it particularly relevant to the discussion of ableism, in this context.

so anyway. long post aside. it's... interesting to me. to see people saying 'actually fuck both donnie and leo equally!!! bleh bleh bleh!!!!' i don't know that it's. hm. active ableism. i'm certainly not accusing anyone of the sort. but it is, at the very least, indicative to me that there are a lot of people who don't read into the text as deeply as perhaps i would like on certain character traits, if i had a magic wand to wave.

....and also perhaps just ableism, haha.

#ask tag #symphony tag #rare desceros meta post #symphony meta

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rosesradio · 2 months

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Leo Valdez in Ceaseless Eve: Let's Discuss

⚠️ The following contains spoilers for any & all of Ceaseless Eve ⚠️

How can I begin to talk about my boy??

To start, I should probably give some context or lore about me:

I started reading the books when I was nine. I was sick in bed one day, and my dad wanted to read me something to make me feel better. "It's just like Harry Potter!" he'd said, holding up a copy of The Lightening Theif. (My ill feelings towards the wizard books now, I had inhaled the series when I was eight and read nothing else. Thank goodness I expanded my horizons, right?).

So, he started to read Percy Jackson while I laid in bed...

And I hated it, lol.

What can I say? I was a brat. Or maybe I just wanted to be left alone with my stomachahce or fever or whatever I was sick with. So, one chapter in, my dad gave up and left me alone.

When I felt better, I picked the book back up...and I went through the entire first series in a week. Even now, my dad jokes that I just had a problem with him reading them, not the book itself. (And yes, we watched the show together, he enjoyed it--I'm still badgering him to read the books himself though...maybe I should read it to him when he gets sick...)

So, I got into pjo. The details are a little fuzzy on when exactly I read the sequel series, though I believe it was sometime in middle school. All I know was that the moment I first read about Leo...I had the biggest fictional crush on him, lmao. I remember a time in 2016 where 13 year old me would watch Viria's "How Far We've Come" video and I'd write Leo x readers in the notes app of my iPod touch (unfortunately, those fics have all been deleted, otherwise I would not hesitate to share that horror with the world. But rest assured, the reader was very much Not Like Other Girls lol).

I'm not sure when exactly valdangelo first became an interest to me or where I found it, but I remember reading the books and feeling like we were robbed of those two interacting. They were always something in the back of my mind, though I was always working on other projects and had no idea where to start in the event that I did write something for them.

Until the hype for the show was starting, and I thought that it would be cool to explore a bit of an AU quest between Leo, Nico, and Piper. I thought about the one-off line about how a "confused pizza guy" had found his way to Camp Half-Blood once and ran with that. Also, ever since I started working, I give my favorite character my job if applicable. At the time of writing, I was a food delievery person, so that's why I went with that. The fic was really a character study of Leo more than anything, so I really appreciate all of the people saying I got Leo's voice right :')

So, there are a couple big changes that were made with Leo's character in the ceaselessverse that differentiate the character from canon:

1.) Leo doesn't make mean jokes about his questmates.

This is a change that I actually regret making, and I might toy with a sort of compromise in the sequel. At first, people who were anti-leo made comments on how rude he could be, and I saw that as something that needed to be "fixed" in CE.

However, now that I think about it as a neurodivergent person...I can't help but wonder if that is connected to him being neurodivergent? Like with me, especially as a teen, I was anxious in social situations and often didn't know what to say, so I would make jokes, and a lot of them didn't land. Sure, I shouldn't have made those jokes, and Leo shouldn't have made the jokes he did, but the neurodivergent nature of it all as well as him being an awkward teen sort of explains that, it doesn't excuse it. I think the rise of purity culture and the lack of desire for nuanced characters has (pardon my lack of professionalism) fucked up the vibe. Like a lot. I think it's fine (great, even!) for a character you like to have flaws, especially if they stem from an aspect that makes them more relatable. If you want neurodivergent characters but hate them for exhibiting traits that are frowned upon, well...you might just want neurotypical characters with quirks and labels.

2.) Leo isn't a "ladies man"

I don't regret this change at all. That shit was weird, Richard.

That being said, I think it was fine to have a character who has romance on the brain and is flirtatous. Hell, it's even fine to have a character that's weird towards women and tries to "jokingly" sneak a peak at a female character changing (sorry if you were trying to repress page 114 of mark of athena)--that's just fiction, but you can't expect us to root for that character (especially in their goal of getting a girlfriend).

So, while Leo is observant of the girls around him and thinks they're cute, I think this was a change that was adjusted to age better, yk?

3.) Leo was (accidentally) responsible for his mother's death (sorry, Esperanza)

This was the first change made to accomodate the lack of Gaea.

Of course, you'll notice how most all of the character's (outside of those from the og series) backstories were altered to accomodate that, but this was something I was particularly interested in exploring. I'm not going to pretend to be a better writer than our buddy Richard (though I think some of his decisions were really weird...and he'd probably think the same thing about me, tbh), but I think it was a bit of a copout to have Leo think he killed his mom only for it to be Gaea's fault, so he's, like, "redeemed". I wanted to explore a route where Leo was responsible, even by accident, and what that would mean for his greif and healing process. I hope that was explored thoughtfully to you guys in CE.

4.) Leo was a bully to escape bullying

This one was a little controversial lol, but I think it's more interesting.

I can see where it'd make sense in canon to have Leo use his comedy to escape bullying--he does a bit of the same thing in the ceaselessverse, though I believe it works too well. Leo is welcomed into becoming almost like friends with his bullies, though there is clearly a power dynamic at work. I have had "friendships" like this in middle/high school, and I thought it would be interesting to show how lonliness can lead you to make stupid decisions in order to feel, at least a little bit, like you belong somewhere.

This is, of course, stopped as Leo became closer with his sister, Sarah. He finds that caring for someone outside of his own survival starts to make him feel like a person again, and he wants to become better for her sake. It's really sweet to me and highlights yet another great type of platonic relationship dynamic to be explored, but more on Sarah later.

---

Of course, there are several other little changes made to Leo's character for a variety of reasons--if you notice any and had any particular feelings about them (hopefully positive, but it's up to you), please let me know by sending a letter via carrier pigeon directly to my house (or by, like, commenting on ao3, tumblr, or whatever etc if you're weird like that).

what was i saying. anyways.

I could talk about Leo's character all day--about how his arc of controlling his abilities instead of fearing them mirrors Piper's, about how his sexuality is (and probably will) never be stated directly in the text, so it's up to reader interpretation (he's vaguely bi but mostly queer To Me but also idc). If you ever wanna hear more of my thoughts on him with any specifics, feel free to send an ask! Or Whatever !

A favorite tool in Leo's toolbelt: The Dormio

Leo has a lot of cool little knick-knacks, some canon and some not. His wristwatch with the hidden message was a strong contender, but ultimately the Dormio wins for sure. What can I say? I would love to see dreams--maybe not my own (Hypnos plagues me with stress dreams :') ), but other people's.

The Dormio was originally called the DreamViewer, which was kind of a placeholder name because, frankly, it's dumb as shit. I have to credit @heavens-vault for coming up with the new name, thank you <3 The name is based on a dream interfacing system by MIT.

(Did some of the editing get lost in the sauce, and the device is still called the DreamViewer sometimes? Maybe. No further questions without my lawyer lol. I plan on doing a mass edit some time in the future. Save me mass edit, mass edit save me, etc)

All that to say, the Dormio is not a one-off. We'll just have to wait and see what role it plays in Ivory Rain...

Bonus Character!

Sarah McAllen: Let's Discuss

So, my first pjo OC...

Sarah is first foreshadowed in chapter five, when Leo and Piper are discussing the quest at Nico's cabin door:

"Us?" now it was Piper's turn to look confused. "You mean...you understood that line in the prophecy, the 'daughter of doves' thing?"

"Sure I did!" Leo replied, feeling his heart skip a beat, his smile a tad nervous. "There's more to me than good looks, Beauty Queen." Hopefully, that settled Piper for now. Sure, that orientation video was not very informative, but he didn't have to explain to everyone why he knew these things about Greek mythology.

After reading through chapter nine, it should become clear that Leo has a little bit of background knowledge on Greek Mythology due to Sarah's loud interest in Mythomagic. Although their background has been covered in the text, I thought I'd mention a couple things about her.

I realized kinda late in her development that I actually did the same thing in an older longfic for a different fandom I wrote when I was 15--giving the main character a younger sister, motivating him to be better and take care of her. I'm not sure if there's any psychology behind me wanting to write my faves as older brothers, but it's interesting!

I did give Sarah a couple things in common with me, even if she's not a self-insert. She's a writer, one of the reasons she falls into the Apollo cabin. She also has what Nico describes in chapter 18 as a "medical brace" on her knee. This will be further addressed in the sequel, but I gave her the same disablity that I have with my knee. I don't want to delve too deep into the medicality (medicality?) of it all just for my comfort, but I wanted to show a chracter that has a disability but can also be a hero, like they did in the tv show. I hope you guys read that and it made you happy :-)

I will say that Sarah is not going to be too much of a major player in the sequel, I don't want to put my OCs too much into the spotlight when I already have a lot of canon characters I want to work with. Still, she will always be really important to Leo, and their relationship will always be really important to me.

Also! To tell you a secret...she will not be the only OC in the ceaselessverse, but I guess you will have to wait and see what I mean in Ivory Rain...

#leo valdez #valdangelo #pjo #CE DVD bonus features

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faithfromanewperspective · 8 months

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So I am going to be asking about a character I hate right now, but it's a character that I think about frequently because of his proximity to ALL my biggest blorbos. Charles Fairchild. What brand of neurodivergent do you think he is? I have opinions, but want to see what you have to say.

I LOVE THIS QUESTION SO MUCH!!! because I get to talk about a recent interest of mine: and that's how to be properly neurodivergent affirming for all neurodivergences, especially those that are overrepresented in criminal populations and those who are also overrepresented in those who are ostracised for being seen as 'bad people' due to having and expressing non-neuronormative needs that are a result of a combination of trauma and neurobiology. and not just being able to chalk it up to the double empathy problem, either. I will say I am not an expert in this, and if there's anyone in the community reading this who thinks I've not handled it sensitively, please let me know. I like feedback, and I also like it when people say things nicely because i'm human and fragile too.

First, hate to be your stereotypical armchair diagnoser but something about Charles absolutely screams NPD. And as much as he's not a great guy I love that we actually do get to know him, we get to know not only our usual TSC boys who are bleeding with emotion and just so loveable and hungry for connection and love, but the trope that we're told exists, we see from the outside in politicians and business (usually) men (doesn't James compare Charles to one of those men with briefcases rushing about at rush hour in chain of gold?) and who never really let us in to the fact that they're human. Through Alastair's description of Charles' motivations in chain of thorns, we do actually get to know him and what drives him: fear, masked by ambition. And at this point I want to say: I don't think he has NPD because he's a dick. He just happens to be one as well, and that happens to be one of the ways it presents. It is not the only way NPD can present. Overall, in terms of NPD awareness and hey-let's-not-call-all-these-people-with-this-diagnosis-or-who-would-get-it-if-they-ever-got-help-abusers, Charles isn't the best representation. He's not the worst either; he does get sort of a redemption arc, and though we can speculate about his relationship with Alastair (and have reason to) there is very little that is canonically confirmed about it. So, at this point (and it's taken me a lot of thinking and one (1) Charles POV oneshot to get to this point) I agree with Ari that he's an interesting guy to have as a penpal, for curiosity if for nothing else.

I also think he may (?) be autistic. I've strung this together from a very obscure bunch of observations, the first being Will and Tessa's wedding where he 'had colic and wanted everyone to know' (don't mind me botching my quotations). Not saying all autistics are fussy but you know. Differing pain feeling thresholds that come with different sensory profiles. On top of that, politics is an intense and long-lasting special interest for him. I think some of it is the power, some of it is him still trying to get his mother's attention and love by imitating her even after all of these years, but also: it's a way to exist with people that gives him a more or less scripted role. He's known for quite a few social faux pas (think his engagement announcement at james and cordelia's engagement party! that can't be completely siren power mindpuppeting), he struggles with the social-emotional reciprocity thing (especially when it comes to the being vulnerable side of things and we see Alastair suffer for that), he seems to get irritable in a way that he doesn't understand nor know how to be honest about, and when he does want to say something, he just interrupts the conversation. Overall he seems to be a shitty presentation of a shitty stereotype, many shitty stereotypes in fact (that he humanises, like I've talked about). But. Before we brush off Cassie for that, it's important to have diverse representation of any kind of neurodivergence (including what we find ugly), and I find he does actually balance out james and thomas and christopher quite well. And yes. The TLH gang, more of them are autistic than not. His parents are also Charlotte and Henry and I do know how genetics works. I'd be surprised if they had a neurotypical kid.

Speaking of my absolute faves Charlotte and Henry who we do have to admit are kind of shitty parents during the time Charlotte is Consul I can kind of see how having two flaming neurodivergent kids who they had none of the resources to know how to support, one parent is disabled and one is facing the incredible pressure of being the one to break the glass ceiling of holding an INCREDIBLY stressful job with all the scrutiny that comes with Being A Woman while also kind of unofficially being her partner's caretaker and having two kids with zero time off her fulltime plus job and also has a fair bit of her own trauma in regards to Parents--I can see how the Trauma of Many Kinds resulted in this incredibly underresourced family and we have to recognise Charles is a victim of this. Especially, as we know, how neurodivergent needs are you know--different to neurotypicals--and you've got to be super attuned as a parent to understand the unique things your kid needs. We also have to recognise that growing up with him being doubtless unpredictable did a number on Matthew, six years younger and incredibly hungry for connection.

Overall, Charles is a really well put together character in my view and the way he exists in the ecosystem of generational and lateral community trauma just is really well done. He's not a great guy. I hope he gets whatever help he needs, whatever that looks like--I am kind of optimistic for him but I also Really Think It'll Take A LONG Time and it's going to be really hard for him to make genuine connections for quite a while. I think at some point Charlotte and Henry will slowly figure things out. And grieve. A lot.

#charles fairchild #neurodivergence #neurodivergent affirming #and i mean really neurodivergent affirming #the last hours #genuinely please let me know how i've gone with this

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giraffefeather · 2 months

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Thoughts on maladaptive daydreaming. Read more for easy skip. 😊

I watched a video on reality shifting (where you experience a time in a reality of your choice - be it one you are an actress or on you go to Hogwarts) by Strange Aeons. Kudos to her for being respectful while also having an opinion! But one big point brought up was where does reality shifting start and maladaptive daydreaming begin?

And I realized that I check quite a few boxes in maladaptive daydreaming (MADD from now on because jesus christ that's too much to keep typing). As a child/teen, I absolutely had my own little reality I would escape to.

In it, I was part of a spy crew that could turn into one animal each, the animal picked based on your personality, and we all had nicknames after that animal. I was Wolf (hi, yes, I was absolutely a wolf girl and this was just an extra level). My crew included Lab (Cody), Fox (Cassie), Eagle (Derek), Bug (Logan), and Panther (Toby). Bug and Eagle were the tech guys, based in a secret safe house directing us to our next mission. Fox, Lab, and I were the boots on the ground people. Sometimes we battled various bad guys. Sometimes (on car rides), we directed a system that chopped down telephone poles and helped spread tree seeds. Instead of a creature running beside the car, I had a friendly robot system that I talked to, and a mission to save the planet. In class, I would type secret messages to my team, and give and receive directives. Every moment I did not have enough real-world stimuli, I was half in that world.

Now, I have to wonder if all that qualifies as MADD, or just regular imagination. Or the secret third option - undiagnosed ADHD child lacking the stimulus she needed.

The quick paraphrased definition of MADD I found is that it's a behavior of excessive daydreaming, usually a coping mechanism, that may disrupt work, hobbies, and/or relationships. Working with that definition, there's a few more boxes to check.

Was it excessive? Yes. Absolutely. While I never had the obsessive bug with this one, it was a constant in my mind. It was always there if I had a moment of boredom, ready to come to the front of my mind.

Was it a coping mechanism? ...sort of? It didn't help me with any real world problems. I was fortunate enough to be a fairly happy child. I had a manageable amount of anxiety. I had close friends just as weird as me, and more close friends that appeared perfectly neurotypical (my brain wants me to rant on this neurodivergent vs neurotypical next, let's skip it for now). My family was loving, if a bit strict, and home was a safe place. I was overall accepted by my peers (despite the teenage urge to divide the alts and the preps, I was accepted by both). I have no trauma, to the point that i can't even try to fake it. But my biggest problem was boredom. In a time before portable video players and smart phones, I was constantly trying to avoid boredom by multitasking. Homework was filled with doodles. Drawings either had a TV in front of them or in an depth story behind them. When I had a DS, it was constantly within reach, and my Animal Crossing world thrived while I had full conversations with family. Car rides and school, with only one focus (that often felt like none), were unbearable unless I slipped inside my fantasy world. That was the only thing I needed to cope with: boredom.

Did it disrupt work, hobbies, or relationships? No. Not at all. My "work" was school at the time, and I was a straight A student despite being half in my false world half the time. My hobbies were drawing, writing, and cross country. The first two i could focus on if the motivation was right. Cross country is, arguably, a very boring sport; running for a fantasy purpose just enhanced the experience. (Hell, my friends and I used to sing a capella during practices to pass the time). My family and friends knew nothing of where my mind wandered. It wasn't a secret or anything, the conversation of what fantasy is playing in your head just never came up, so I never thought to share. I guess if I would have actually thought about it, I would have assumed everyone had their own world they went to when bored.

So... was it MADD? I... don't know. Maybe? If so, by a technicality? I didn't use it to escape a horrible life. Maybe I would have, if I needed to. But it was just something to do. I wasn't delusional, always knew it wasn't real. But it was fun, like a game of pretend with myself.

But I think, to some extent, I still do it. I will always love my fantasy shapeshifter crew. And sometimes, I still catch myself chopping down poles and collecting tree seeds on long car rides. But for the most part, I left that world behind. Now, I only daydream at night.

Perhaps that's due to access to constant stimulus. I work from home, and always have music, podcasts, or youtube on in the background. There's no room, no need for daydreaming. I have headphones in when I walk, the radio on when I drive. I watch tv and browse tumblr at the same time. I have so much I can do at any moment of the day.

But night? I need to occupy myself while I fall asleep. And I pick a scenario to daydream about. I put myself into a fantasy world, usually a fandom but not always, and play out a scene until I fall asleep. Often, I'm in the same world for weeks at a time. Currently, I'm in a crossover with Captain Jack Harkness in the Dragon Age Inquitision storyline, and you bet your ass I'm working on my Blackwall romance! (Tmi, but we're still early on in the campaign, and Jack hasn't found anyone to successfully flirt with, which is driving him insane! But soon we'll meet Dorian and Iron Bull, and I think things will start to look up for Captain Jack). I literally cannot fall asleep without my little stories now.

Is that maladaptive? Have I trained myself to only sleep if I'm in that world? Eh, who cares. It works and it's not hard to do.

So I guess the biggest question left to answer is that of MADD vs... whatever neurodivergency I may or may not have (again, lucky enough to have made it through childhood happy and successful, so never sought diagnosis of anything). If anyone dared to read the ramblings above, please weigh in with your own experiences!

#maladaptive daydreaming #???#please forgive the tag #i have done research #but have no firsthand accounts #if you're in a place to educate... i am willing to learn #rant #long post #read more

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calamitys-child · 1 year

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Dude, my parents were the same! They were worried the stigma would mean I'd be bullied or school would sideline me or employers wouldnt hire me so they just left me to deal with it. I know they truly thought they were doing what was best at the time but I like to think they finally twigged they cocked up when I hit mid 20s and went quote unquote "insane". Turns out medication/ therapy could have made me seem a whole lot more "normal" as an adult if I'd had the chance to deal with it as a kid

EXACTLY!! Like, I totally get their reasoning - it's shitty that they felt they Had to reason that way but I get it - but what fucks me up is that they were so rude about it when I finally got support on my own. I was 21, 22 maybe, and I made a comment like "astonished you thought this was a normal child" and they went "oh don't be stupid we always knew there was something wrong with you but we weren't gonnae put you in special ed, you're fine, you're smart". Like. Fuck OFF

And as an adult, support is difficult and different from as a child. I got a little mental health support at uni after a worryingly long battle, and getting on SSRIs and testosterone did one hell of a job stabilising and improving my mental health cause I was no longer terrified and miserable all the time, but honestly the biggest impact was just.... making friends with neurodivergent people and disability rights activists.

Like I will always remember being at uni, crying into a pint in the students union with a friend because I had just spent an hour in counselling explaining that no matter how much I love the subject I can't handle a 2hr lecture, and all they told me was "well you're aware of the problem, so you can fix it". A random guy I'd never spoken to before but vaguely knew as being involved with the disabled students association came over and just went "hey, I overheard your conversation; they don't know how to help neurodivergent students but here's what we put together for ourselves and figured out the long way round", handed me a napkin with a list of ways to access lecture recordings and slides with notes, waved goodbye, and vanished. Singlehandedly saved me from failing 3rd year.

And now I'm surrounded by friends who are neurodivergent or are very close with neurodivergent people and I have the language to be like. "Sensory stuff is a bit much right now I need to be outside" or "sorry im bad at tone and facial expression but I am saying this sentence in a positive way" or who I can stim in front of and who won't freak out about me sometimes being nonverbal . And it's SUCH a relief and has given me the resources to phrase these things in ways that my family will understand even if it's "you get migraines sometimes anyway which affects everyone's sensory threshold so if you're overstimulated you can say you have a migraine because it will mean they understand you're overstimulated".

I just. Really wish I'd been taught these things as a wean and not left to figure it out myself

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catwingsathena · 9 months

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I was tagged by @astrangergivingthestrangewelcome! Thanks friend!

Last song listened to: “To Noise Making (Sing)” by Hozier. It’s on a playlist I made a few days ago and have been listening to on repeat since.

Last TV/movie watched: in general, whatever was playing on the TV at my client’s home today (I’m a home care worker). Of my own volition, meaning something I actually chose to watch rather than just catching a bit of because I happened to be in the room when someone else was watching? I have no idea, but it’s been, at minimum, several months since this happened, and possibly over a year. (Getting me to watch TV/movies/videos of any kind is, famously among my family, an incredibly difficult task. Including for me.)

Current obsession: okay, that’s gonna take a few paragraphs to answer.

Biggest one right now is The Magnus Archives, with the caveat that my specific obsession for the past six months or so has been a particular AU I’m working on, and my even more specific obsession at the moment is Jon and Helen’s dynamic within that AU. And a bit outside it as well—“the narrative structure of this character dynamic is artistically brilliant and makes me go Absolutely Feral (positive)” and “the narrative structure of this character dynamic is incredibly depressing and often I’d prefer to engage with their relationship in the context of a canon divergence AU where things turn out differently and they have a chance to explore some of the possibilities their canon circumstances never allowed for” are… um. They are sentiments that can coexist.

Other specific things within the TMA universe and/or my AU of it that have seriously caught my attention include but are not limited to (under a cut because it got ridiculously long):

Mike Crew and autism. Specifically:

The, pun absolutely intended, vast quantities of evidence in the text that he is autistic. I literally have an academic essay mostly written—complete with citations!—that goes through the ICD-11 criteria for autism spectrum disorder and some other well-known autistic traits point by point and presents canon evidence that he absolutely meets the criteria. (Writing this—and starting it at three in the morning when I got the idea—may be the among the most autistic things I have ever done.)

The potential implications of Entity affiliation in autistic people being related to sensory needs. (I have a whole theory on why so many avatars seem to be neurodivergent and/or queer—something about a need to belong literally anywhere, something else about self-fulfilling prophecies and it being easier for the Entities to get ahold of people who are already made to feel inhuman—but that’s not the point here.) The paragraph in Mike’s statement describing how he feels about falling is one of the most relatable things I have ever read in my life, to the point where I have directly quoted it at people to explain why the idea that amusement park rides might be a migraine trigger for me upsets me so much (yeah, I know. Hush). And the thing is, I know at least part of the reason I’m that way—I have a medically diagnosed autism-related problem with my vestibular system. It’s underactive and doesn’t interpret signals the way it’s supposed to, which means that a) I’m never intuitively sure where my body is in space, which results in both chronic clumsiness and a chronic feeling of mild derealization or disconnection from the world around me, and b) really intense vestibular input (like, say, falling, or spinning, or rocking, or rides that incorporate those things) both feels REALLY good and temporarily fixes both of those things. Putting that experience together with my strong opinion that Mike is autistic, I kind of read his draw to the Vast as at least partially an “I have intense vestibular sensory needs and I’m going to make that everyone else’s problem” kind of thing. Which, tbh, good for him. I support disabled wrongs.

Mike’s backstory as an autism metaphor. I mean. He was pursued by a manifestation of the concept of doubting your reality and perceptions and escaped by the power of special interests. Come on.

The concept of the Fairchilds. I mean. You tell me there’s a formalized found family of Vast avatars who all take the same last name and support each other in various ways, and then you never elaborate?? (Me: *furiously writes fic about this*)

Avatar culture more generally. I could elaborate, but I think this post is already long enough. Oops. In my defense, you asked.

Tagging @starsandsupernovae, @pikachic, @thefaestolemyname, @linguisticparadox, @animate-mush, and anyone else who wants to play! Feel free to ignore if you’d rather not. Best!

#tag game #catwings chatter #tma #actuallyautistic

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cxttlefishcxller · 7 months

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OC Questions Tag!

Thank you once again to @residentdormouse for reminding me that my blog can and probably should be for more than just me throwing things I like into a mismatched pile like Labyrinth's Trash Lady >.>

Anyways, since I'm attempting to crack my way through several at least two fics, I'll do two OCs just for funzies. XD

(Rules: answer the questions and tag some people, all that fun stuff)

Piper Danielle Crain (The Stand)

5 words to physically describe your OC (do you have a drawing? even better!)

Cautious. Giving. Optimistic. Loyal. Witty.

Piper more or less contains multitudes, and those multitudes are Very Anxious All The Time. But she's got a quick mind and will lay her heart and her efforts down for anyone that asks her to, if she calls them a friend. I haven't really had a faceclaim for my characters in a long time, and no one really fits her as well as I'd like, but I have this adorable art my friend @jaiesondurantkross drew, and I also have moodboards I made!

Who inspired your OC? (can be your mum to a very famous fungi)

Honestly a lot of things! Pipes started out as a Supernatural OC that I borrowed for this one-off Stand fic I started as a silly springboard-project off of a friend's fic, and she just.......got a life of her own. And a plot. And a few AUs. I might have a problem. |D;;; But I put a lot of myself into her -- she holds a lot of my insecurities and a lot of my shortfalls, but she has much more determination and gumption and sheer "fuck you" energy.

She's also got some vibes that align with one of my favorite characters in anything ever, Shadow Moon from Neil Gaiman's "American Gods". They both have their lives torn away from their grasp before being thrown wAY over their heads into a battle much bigger and much broader than they realize. And in response they just. Keep going. Sure they'll buck and dig their heels and bitch about their lot, but they keep moving all the same because doing anything else just isn't an option in their minds. I like that about them.

Give me a song to define your OC (I will listen to it to enter in your WIP mood!)

I'll forever hear Inkpot Gods by The Amazing Devil as Piper's song. It's the thing that inspired the entire second act of her story and gave me the biggest revelation about her character. But David Bowie's Life On Mars resonates deeply with her, and is one of her favorite songs. (She also has a playlist right over here, jussayin)

If I met your OC on the street how would they greet me?

A brief smile and small wave, probably. She's not the greatest with starting conversations, but if you rope her in, she gets comfortable pretty easy. Just show her some candidness and get a bit silly and she'll open up in no time at all. (Not unlike that "oop you showed me affection, now you'll never get rid of me" thing going around tiktok forever ago)

Can your OC be your best friend? Why?

I'd think so! She's got a lot of me in her, and her biggest passions are built around some of my own interests. Though we might grate on each other real hard if our neurodivergencies decides to collide. jfkdl;safd

1 adjective and 1 noun to describe your OC

Determined. Blanket.

Percy Stone / Aurella Reyne (Game of Thrones)

5 words to physically describe your OC (do you have a drawing? even better!)

Resourseful. Shrewd. Loyal. Proud. Frank.

Percy's nothing if not a survivor. She's a little too roughly-hewn to be much of a politician and she's really bad at simpering or fawning, but she's got a quick mind and a lot of determination to do what she needs to do to stay ahead. Despite this, her heart is her Achilles Heel, and she will put much of her own self-preservation aside for the very, very few people she sees as her friends (mostly Tyrion and Podrick, though Margaery hedges that line later on down the road.)

She also doesn't have a faceclaim (celebrities are all like. Movie-star Gorgeous! All of my girls are a little on the plainer side of pretty) but she's got moodboards as well!

Who inspired your OC? (can be your mum to a very famous fungi)

Honestly I got a lot of her vibes from quite a few period pieces I love -- Reign, Merlin, Tudor-adjacent media, things like that) she's not inspired by any one person in particular, but I just wanted someone who was more or less coded to be in the background as a supporting character, making her way to some position of power through a series of ever-increasing plans and mishaps. Genuinely starting from the bottom and having to learn how to be bigger and bigger, filling roles she never dreamed of in order to survive.

Give me a song to define your OC (I will listen to it to enter in your WIP mood!)

The Rains of Castamere doesn't count probably despite her whole "I'll slip into the archives of a dead House and no one's alive to tell anyone that I was never in the family tree" plan, but this cover in particular always hits me with the heaviest Percy feels jfdk;lsafd If we're going for character-study vibes, though, I've got a soft spot in my heart for Eden Espinosa's Waiting In The Wings. She's got a lot of hope and dreams in her heart, even if it's buried under a heap of cynicism and hard life lessons.

If I met your OC on the street how would they greet me?

Realtalk......she'd probably just do the smile-nod and keep on going. She's definitely the type to not get into conversations with strangers if she could help it, but kindness begets kindness......even if she's a tougher nut to crack.

Can your OC be your best friend? Why?

I'd think she and I could be friends! Not as close as Piper, but if she got comfortable enough to relax, we'd be able to drink tea and talk shit about Westeros' major politicians in no time at all. XD

1 adjective and 1 noun to describe your OC

Driven. Dagger.

No-pressure tagging @jaiesondurantkross and @alabaster-the-crow, if y'all wanna <3

#fef's ocs #my art #piper crain #percy stone #realtalk I need to work on both of these fics like yesterday but the word machine is reAL DAMN BROKE Y'ALL #Percy in particular is going through some shifting and changes in her core personality too so this is super helpful actually #game of thrones #the stand

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theultimatenonbinarynerd · 1 year

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Ok so I just have to get this thing off of my chest about the Mandalorian and seeing the whole religious philosophy debate. First of all is never cool to hate on religion but it's even worse to discriminate people outside of your religious beliefs and be a bigot.

I think Mandalorian is trying to address the debate of its important to respect everyone forge their own faith and not push your beliefs onto them.

I'm going to be addressing both sides of the coin here quickly. I'm Nonbinary Aromantic Asexual and have grown up all my life Mormon so unlike some people I can see why Din clings so hard to the way so much, he's willing to sacrifice his own life. I don't think people realise the damage of growing up somewhere and being told hey you can't stay anymore because your existence and actions is something I don't believe in. I'm still in church because I know without church I lose all the people I have known since childhood and have no one else because I'm neurodivergent and I'm terrible at making healthy support networks. I will leave my church and become agnostic when I'm ready but I need to rethink my faith first and what it means to be me and get rid of my religious guilt about my identity. Picture Din who has had nothing, he lost his parents at the age of 8 and the covert is the only thing he's ever known since they practically saved his life and raised him in their way. Would he have been different raised under the nite owls we'll never know but right now after losing his ship and almost his child, Din is clinging for his family, he still hasn't fully processed his truama. To him breaking the creed for the kid was a huge thing as it was like stepping into an alien world with no one to support him. Right now he needs the creed until he can let go of his parents and fully process that truama its what he needs. It's also what he needs so he can lift the Darksaber without it breaking his limb. Yes the armour and Paz are red flags but unfortunately there are bad people in every religion and its something that's not our problem unless it effects human rights as we have control of our faith.

I want S3 to be a middle ground between the religious traumatised peeps saying it's a cult and the religious people that are hurt and ashamed by people saying that. Mandalore will only be united if all the tribes can unite and respect each tradition. I never understood that to some religious people might interpret Dins helmet as a hijab or something else as I was looking at it through a Christian Catholic lense especially with the baptism ceremony.

But Star Wars is about interesting mortally gray people (Excluding the empire) and how not everything is black and white.

People forget Truama can bleed into how we read fiction so how do you think a ton of religious traumatised people including myself are gonna react when we see the tribes ways. I haven't seen the episode but the fact that they welcomed Bo and said she can leave anytime was humble and shows how again Mandalore can only be United if all believes are respected.

I think people's biggest problems are with this covert is that they judge their way of Mandalore as the truest and don't respect other people's ways we saw that originally with Din in season 2. Respect is the key thing its not their authority to claim who Mandalorians are. It's a bit rude to tell Mandalorians who were born and raised there that they are not Mandalorian. Mandalorians are only not Mandalorians when they choose to give up their armour. Its like Satine (still love her) calling Jango and Boba Fett none Mandalorians when they are as they are foundlings with their own beliefs. Its like trying to erase an essential part of Mandalorian culture (The warrior side) without a middle ground and I believe that's what the children of the watch and other Mandalorians need to do.

But that's just my thoughts please be respectful and not bigoted otherwise I will block you and disable comments. I'm just so tired of people looking at Children Of The Watch and Dins involvement in a black and white lense when not everything is like that especially in Star Wars of all things.

-Melody-

They/Them

#star wars #the mandalorion spoilers #mando spoilers #fandom criticism #religious guilt #din djarin #bo katan kryze #armour #children of the watch

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jerzwriter · 1 year

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I'm neurodivergent and find it really hard to focus for long enough to write. Do you have any tips on concentrating with ADHD and how to finish fics? Thank you 💕

Hey there Nonny,

I'm sorry I didn't answer this right away. I was out most of the day yesterday, and catching up has been... a lot. :) (I wrote this when I put it in drafts, then promptly forgot I put it in drafts - and here we are MUCH later - I am SO SO SO SO sorry - but goddamn, if this isn't part of my problem. lol)

First, I want to say I truly feel your pain. It is hard for me as well. Though in my case, writing has always been a hyperfixation, for better or worse, so that makes it a bit easier, but not exactly.

At some point, I will inevitably get distracted and just start "drifting," and once I do, it is very hard to get back on track. I actually put little post-its on the corners of my laptop with "You're supposed to be writing" written in colorful ink. They'll catch my attention if I start floating off into Tumblrland, and remind me to go back. Sometimes it works better than others.

Sometimes I ask some fellow creators who are friends to check in on me. To remind me to write if they see me on Tumblr, maybe check in to see how it's going, so it keeps me on task.

But my biggest problems are with having my mind become overactive. Where I can just write, write, write, and it's great - but I start 10 things and at the end will only be able to finish 5. It's frustrating to me, and then that can cause writer's block in certain stories.

I'm still looking for the solution, but I've learned to be kinder to myself about it - and it helps. Instead of "You're so stupid, you can't even finish this. You shouldn't have started this. You look like an idiot." talk, I now say, "You're doing great. Maybe you can't finish that now, but it's OK, you're doing something else. Be proud." it takes some doing, but I got there, and it really helps.

Of course, limiting distractions thing works too... phone away, sometimes writing with pen and paper instead of a laptop to avoid the urge to look at another page.

I'm always happy to chat with you about this if you like... it is a struggle, for sure. Just know you have people who understand. xo

#writing things #adhd #it isn't easy

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scoups4lyfe · 2 years

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Hebi Anon

(I'm just gonna say this outright, Donbrothers bounced me right off starting with and after episode 14 and I had some problems before then. I just found what I considered problems too egregious to overlook anymore at that point. Infact thinking about those episodes still makes me mildly upset. Maybe seeing your opinions later on will change my mind?)

Taro isn't perfect, but for the most part he's being displayed as perfect nonetheless. He's the best fighter, the most experienced, does most of the heavy lifting in fights, has powers the others lack, outright says he brings good fortune to others, etc. Jin outright stating that "[Taro] is the solution to learn from" is currently one of the biggest examples of others describing him as a form of perfect and you will see other examples of Taro being put on the "perfect" pedestal. Now I fully understand that deconstructing the trope of "The Ace" is the point of Taro's story, but I don't like how it's being dealt with and I'll save that for when it comes up.

Though I suppose it's more accurate to say "exceptional vs unexceptional" instead of "perfect vs imperfect".

As for the lack of understanding. At least to me and at this point in the show, it feels like Taro doesn't just not understand but is ACTIVELY REFUSING to understand others. Take the lying for example. "I don't understand why people lie", it comes off (again, to me) like "why would anybody do something so obviously and objectively wrong" when he near daily experiences a reason why lying would benefit him in a small way: Rock, Paper, Scissors. His coworkers use the game to put some of the work off themselves and onto him. If he just doesn't answer "which are you going to choose" (which would not be telling a lie), he'd win and nobody would be hurt.

Another example would be his answer to Haruka and Saruhara's questions. Yes that is the truth (not knowing what's going on but acting because it needs to be done), but the tone comes off to me as "Why are you asking pointless questions? Just do it like I do. Why don't you understand that?". Unlike lying, this isn't a moral quandary, they're just trying to make sense of things, so why say something like that when a simple "I'm sorry I don't know either. I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing" probably wouldn't have elicited the "try to understand other people better" response

I understand neurodivergency, I have bad ADHD myself and I think that I only started to understand the social aspect of life a few years ago. But there's still a difference between being incapable of understanding and refusing to understand (Me and a lot of my friends have been burned way too many times by neurotypical people getting angry at us asking what they think are obvious questions that we don't pick up the answers to due to being ND, so this gets a strong reaction out of me)

There's A LOT more I want to say, but to avoid spoilers I'll keep it until you reach those points in the show. If this is too negative for you, say so and I'll stop.

WOOHOO!!! I love long asks <333

Esp ones with differing opinions and takes; because discussion is so much fun for me to delve into LOL

So keep 'em coming homie, this isn't too negative for me at all lmaooo. You could demean my entire character and call me stupid and I'd be like "wow!!! Great discussion point---" hahhaahahaha.

It'll be interesting to hear about your takes as we continue, I'll surely write an essay/analysis on Donbrothers at some point, but I want to wait till like at LEAST episode 10

(I only wrote analysis for Revice after episode 10 enlightened the way I looked at the prior 9 episodes LOL)

No idea if anything I'll do or say will change the way you feel or think on a subject but :33

There IS one thing I'll say rn about Momoi and 'actively refusing to understand others'

(Quoting you, so I don't gotta keep scrollin up LOL): Take the lying for example. "I don't understand why people lie", it comes off (again, to me) like "why would anybody do something so obviously and objectively wrong" when he near daily experiences a reason why lying would benefit him in a small way: Rock, Paper, Scissors. His coworkers use the game to put some of the work off themselves and onto him. If he just doesn't answer "which are you going to choose" (which would not be telling a lie), he'd win and nobody would be hurt.

Hmmmmmm.

I think it's really easy to judge things by one's own standards in life. Its the reason why people who have never experienced things like mental illness, poverty, food restrictions, etc --- have such a trouble understanding WHY someone is the way that they are, or why they do or make certain actions.

The thing with Momoi is,,,,I don't think he's had anyone to challenge him

(I don't mean in fights)

having someone who is different from you, in thoughts and opinions, is truly one of the best ways to learn and grow. Because the other person challenges the way you think, they challenge your beliefs, and this helps create introspection (and like here, discussion) which is vital in development.

It seems that ever since he was young, his neurodivergency created too hostile an environment for this kind of growth to happen.

He literally has no connections (socially) in life except Jin (who's been JACKED) and his co-workers ---who actively take advantage of Momoi on the daily.

Momoi doesn't understand lying because he's never needed to lie. He's never lied himself. And so if he doesn't need to lie, why would anyone else?

Momoi also likes helping people ---so if someone's asking for his thoughts, he tells them. He doesn't realize the nuance of these situations. He doesn't see it, doesn't recognize it in the facial expressions, or in the way something he says changes the entire mood of the room.

And it's because of these things that he doesn't understand why he keeps losing. There's a lack of connection between 'answering a question' and 'the consequences the answer has'

Quoting you again: Another example would be his answer to Haruka and Saruhara's questions. Yes that is the truth (not knowing what's going on but acting because it needs to be done), but the tone comes off to me as "Why are you asking pointless questions? Just do it like I do. Why don't you understand that?". Unlike lying, this isn't a moral quandary, they're just trying to make sense of things, so why say something like that when a simple "I'm sorry I don't know either. I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing" probably wouldn't have elicited the "try to understand other people better" response

I get what you're saying here homie :33

But Tarou isn't socialized (LOL)

"I'm sorry, I don't know either" <-- Momoi wouldn't understand why he would need to apologize if he didn't know the answer to something.

(As why would that be his fault?)

"I never asked why before. This is just something I've been doing." <--is an exploration behind your own thoughts and behaviors.

I genuinely do not think Momoi explores his thoughts and behaviors enough to be able to explain them to someone. "I just do this."

Imagine someone fluent in english. If a foreign friend who wants to learn english, asks them, 'Hey why do you say pink elephant, and not elephant pink? Why is it that a goose becomes geese but a moose doesn't become meese??"

If the english speaker didn't take courses teaching on how to teach english to someone else (especially a second language learner) the answer they would have 99% of the time would be: "Lol you just do it? ƪ(ツ)∫"

They don't have the ability to explain why they do something. Because its intuitive -- it's not something they think about.

And Momoi ---because of lack of social and community interaction and engagement --- 100% doesn't know how to explain the why. He's never known how to explain it. All he knows is how to state facts/what to instruct on the next thing to do.

He wouldn't even know why you would *need* to explain the reason behind something. If he knows what needs to be done, then why would you want to know the reason why?

A lot of people who are talented in a particular subject, often aren't good at explaining why they do a thing, or at explaining how to do it, to someone else. Animes often make fun of this --- like in Haikyuu when Hinata describes how to do things with sounds.

"You go krrrr and then BLAM! Got it?"

Everyone else: ..................................w o t

This is why asking someone why they do something if they learned it intuitively is really quite pointless because nearly every time the answer is:

ƪ(ツ)∫

...

This is why I got so "AHHhhHHhhHHHh" When Haruka and Haiku tell Momoi he needed to understand people better, because he doesn't even know how to do that?

And because of this it makes him feel more isolated and othered. Momoi already thinks something's "not good" about him, and their responses really just confirm it. Because in him 'needing to understand people better' it just tells Momoi that he doesn't understand people ---that something about him is broken, or wrong, or Not Good and because of this he lacks this "understanding."

He lacks being a part of "people."

That's why I said the next shot was interesting because it looked like Momoi was at a confessional. Like he was a sinner confessing his sins to some omnipotent God.

Doubly interesting, seeing as the people he's "confessing" to are Haruka and Haiku who immediately condemn his lack of understanding.

Momoi isn't refusing to understand, he never learned how -- no one taught him, or told him, and he doesn't even know how to state what he doesn't know. Unlike everything else, understanding is something he can't learn intuitively. He doesn't even know how to ask: 'How do I understand people better?"

And because of this he sees himself seated in the place of a "sinner." In the place of someone who confesses what he knows. Who confesses his truth, only to be condemned for it. Everyone else are the omnipotent God ---they know what he doesn't, they understand --- something he clearly lacks, and because of this he'll always be lesser than them.

He'll always be "Not Good."

(Really funny homie as we reacted to this scene very strongly because of the same principle but on two totally separate ends LOL)

You're upset and frustrated because you read this scene as Momoi being a CHAD and condemning Haruka and Haiku for asking pointless questions instead of "just doing it."

I was upset and frustrated (taking much psychic damage) because I read this scene as Haruka and Haiku condemning Momoi for what they think are obvious questions that he should be asking, what they think/believe are obvious and socially universal things --when Momoi doesn't even pick up on the questions. When he doesn't even realize he should be asking them.

He only picks up on the facts. And his fact, is that he doesn't have all the answers, and just knows what he needs to do/what needs to be done.

That was his confession.

And he was condemned for it.

#anyways I get exactly where you're coming from #Momoi is just a simple guy #no self introspection #no social understanding whatsoever #no connection between actions in the moment and the 'effects' or consequences caused by them #He doesn't know about tone or how to monitor himself or the mood in a room #he doesn't have the foundation to ask questions or to understand #He does because that's the only thing he CAN do #my thougts #avataro sentai donbrothers #donbrothers liveblog #donbrothers #before harvesting season #6 peach falls #who let delivery boy bring a parade float to a gun fight #hebi anon 🫡🤝💋#asks #sentaisouped

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lethal-highway · 2 years

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RE: the last post i reblogged about growing into a new gender based on growing into adulthood, like boy -> man, girl -> woman, or transing the gender sometimes being like boy -> woman

just some gender hell thoughts under the cut bc i need to put words to this but i’m also not really sure if i can really tell anyone i actually know this in Actual DMs like oh my god i think i’d cry and throw up trying to actually Earnestly Express Myself like this to another human being on planet earth wheras here i can pretend nobody’s reading this. i don’t care if you do.

i guess the root of my whole problem is that i was raised in such an immensely abusive, misogynistic and infantilizing environment that i just. stagnated as ‘girl’ for so long that i’m growing up way later than i should. physical, emotional, financial abuse really does stuff to a person.

because of where i lived (middle of nowhere, poor, really intensely Protestant area) i didn’t get to have a ‘coming-of-age’ during my teen years or even early adulthood. i’m basically still doing it now- and the big 3 0 isn’t far off. it feels like i’m doing everything several years late. i’ll never catch up with where i’m supposed to be.

i don’t feel like i’ve grown into a ‘woman’. i don’t know what i am, because i don’t feel like a ‘man’, but i feel so isolated from ‘women’ and ‘women’s culture’. i haven’t had the milestones others have. sure, that’s not a brand-new original feeling or anything, i’m sure it’s common for trans women, but i feel such little connection outside of being AFAB.

a lot of this, i know, is all messy from my upbringing. ideas that women are weaker, inferior, sinful, women should stay quiet, be victims, shut up and take it no matter how much it hurts. that men rule and lead, women obey and follow. it’s impossible not to be raised like that and not have pieces of that kind of misogyny bury itself into you like a splinter into your skin, even when you try your best to unlearn it.

but at the same time, those womanly milestones, benchmarks just seem to be missing from me. apparently being hit on, propositioned, creeped on are supposed to be ‘universal woman experiences’ that ‘YesAllWomen’ go through, and yet i just. haven’t experienced them. i haven’t had my body ‘bloom’ or ‘glow up’ like women are supposed to. i don’t feel fear around men in public. i don’t feel sisterhood or solidarity with other women. i don’t feel safer around women.

i don’t understand what ‘womanhood’ even is. or ‘manhood’. maybe it’s the neurodivergence. idk if i’m autistic, but i know i have ADHD. maybe it’s the adverse upbringing. why are some things feminine and some masculine? what defines a woman? what defines a man? it all seems arbitrary, yet these lines carry incalculable stakes, where deviation is harshly socially punished.

a major factor is that.... all the people who have done the most damage to me, the most profound harm, were women. my abuser was a woman. her biggest enabler, my former therapist, was a woman. my guidance counselors who brushed me off and treated me like i was human detritus, an unworthy serf bothering their Important Business when i was at my lowest were all women. that’s why i don’t feel safer around women, why i don’t feel solidarity.

i have a facial skin condition, and it’s progressive. over the last ~10 years, it’s went from mild to severe. my abuser made a point of crushing my self-esteem growing up, but honestly? i think she’s right, to tell you the truth. i’m fat, like mega fat, and being labeled as a ‘fat woman’ sucks, because people DEFINITELY treat you different, but my skin condition is 1000 times worse. that won’t go away if i were to just lose 100 pounds. there are treatments, but they’re extremely expensive, and i’m at the point where makeup doesn’t do any good. it’s difficult to hide, and removing makeup from my face is physically painful.

i don’t know where i’m going with this. i guess i’m saying, maybe i just don’t feel like a woman because i’m ugly and fat and women who are conventionally unattractive are basically treated like a third gender. maybe it’s because women have hurt me in ways i’m gonna be healing from for the rest of my damn life. maybe it’s just internalized misogyny the whole way down.

or maybe all those suggestions that i have serious body dysmorphia are right. maybe i do see something different in the mirror than everyone else. i know this is going to sound like denial, but is it really dysmorphia if i actually have a condition that borders on disfiguring? or is the dysmorphia really just the psychological distress?

add onto that that i don’t really want to transition in regards to like, HRT, or top surgery, (if anything i want bigger tits just to have One, just ONE body part to be proud of, to LIKE), and it makes things more complicated. do i even qualify as non-binary if i don’t wanna transition into like, an acceptable Non-Binary Body? but why is the acceptable non-binary body exclusively thin, white, and androgynous? it’s all so arbitrary!!!

i feel this constant gnawing insecurity, this feeling like i’m a fake non-binary and the real trans and non-binaries are gonna catch me and like, kill me or something. i feel this constant gnawing that i’m not Gender Enough, and i feel compulsed to be closeted and pretend to be a woman just to save myself from the potential threat that is other fucking marginalized people, not to even mention like, transphobes and such.

but even after all that ranting, it’s like....

it’s not even all gender hell.

i really like my new name, enough to want to change my legal name. i like being called they and them. i know what i want to become- (seriously embarrassing admission ahead) i want to become the weirdo 2008 mall goth that my teenage self didn’t get to be, it’s like, my entire GENDER. i want to be, to quote that post, the 30 year old big titty goth pharmacy tech who talks to you about invader zim.

gender euphoria is kind of a strong word, but those things make me happy. it’s not like, earth-shattering joy, or like i’ve found a new reason to live, but they feel like me. like i’m finally having parts that are myself and mine and not just ‘The Traits Others Have Assigned To Me’ and i found them by myself and they’re all fucking mine. i made them. THEY’RE MINE!

anyway i guess this is a lot from a person who’s literally engaged, and believe it or not, being engaged and having a partner who loves me, even my many broken parts, is immensely helpful with coping with what i’ve survived. he’s supportive of both my struggles to cope with my trauma and my gender, and i love him.

i’m full of worries as always, but my life is looking up. i know that massive dump of negativity may not make it seem like it, but i’m really looking forward to seeing how my life goes from here. to quote my current favorite song, I’m on that all-time high.

anyway if you read this entire thing, congratulations, you now know basically everything about me. but also if you read this entire thing, i am SO SORRY because probably none of it makes sense. this is all just a big vent post that’s been stewing in me for literal YEARS prompted to get all spilled out by thinking about gender.

#big long vent post #you can like or whatever if you read it #id just prefer no RBs #shit's personal #gender hell #i'll have you know i only cried four times writing this #the emotions are thick enough to cut with a steak knife

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cat-appreciator · 9 months

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There’s a story idea I’ve been rotating in my head for a while now, which I like to think of as “my own wizard school with blackjack and queer people”, because death to the Witch-Queen of TERF Island and destruction to her works (#justtransthings). Every so often I’ll dump in new bits of worldbuilding like a perpetual stew or rotate bits so they fit better. And then rotating bits forces other bits to move out of position so I have to rotate them some more to make them fit and so on.

Right now I’ve got two characters who should work well together except now they’ve got similar backstories and I need to differentiate them.

On the one hand we’ve got Sefira, our protagonist. Born into a noble magical house without magic of her own, Sefira’s goal is to a) gain magical power and b) become dread and terrible, like no-one ever was. She’s ruthless, vindictive, has a World of Warcraft-sized massive chip pauldron on each shoulder, and will hopefully learn to chill before she becomes the next Dark Lord and plunges the realm into (another) destructive civil war. I love my scrungly feral kitten blorbo daughter.

On the other hand we’ve got Arieke, Sefira’s enabler and the person she bullies into giving her magical powers. Arieke is a bastard daughter from the House of Crows, the now-extinct noble magical house of the previous Dark Lord, which makes everyone either nervous or covetous of her magical powers. She was raised by her (non-magical, peasant) mother until her mother died, at which point she was fostered by Sefira’s family. Figuring out how to give magical powers to non-magical people is the biggest revolution in magic since her maybe-father the Dark Lord became the first necromancer in five hundred years. Arieke would really rather not become a Dark Lord or plunge the realm into another destructive civil war, she appreciates peace and quiet and is maybe autistic. She’s definitely neurodivergent in some manner, because the House of Crows figured out how to encode their spells into the bloodlines of their family and that sort of thing has an effect on a growing child.

So now I’ve got these two characters who have similar backstories in that they grew up largely unwanted (as an unmagical child in a magical house vs as a magical noble child among the unmagical peasantry that noble house oppressed). Neither of them have much experience of affection or positive adult role models. Sefira is only valued for her worth in a marriage alliance and Arieke is only valued for her worth as the Heir of Crows. I need to drill down into their development to figure out why Sefira ended up as a young Alexander while Arieke ended up as a kuudere doormat.

I think part of the problem is that Sefira has very clearly defined goals (she wants to be the very best, and if she has to climb a mountain of corpses to get there she’ll enjoy it) while Arieke is just … there. I need to work more on Arieke’s motivations.

#my ocs #oc #worldbuilding #writing #rotating my mind blorbos #different paths in maladaptive child development #my own wizard school with blackjack and queer people #long post

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crashmenagerie · 9 months

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Repurposing this alt to chronicle my efforts to figure myself out and work through social struggles.

I started reading and quit Quiet and The Highly Sensitive Person. Both were outdated and coddling: I’m not into nurturing an infant version of myself and I don’t want to demonize the extraverted world. I’m neurodivergent and I had parents who ignored my existence growing up, but I personally have found more power and strength in moving forward, not looking back.

My biggest issues right now:

sensory overload that causes me headaches and dissociation

thinking out loud/rambling in conversations

irritation and anger when people imply my work or knowledge is imperfect

trying to fix everyone else’s problems/giving unwanted advice

My plan so far:

“I need time to think about it. Can I get back to you later?”

volunteer only for events that will let me balance my stimulation levels

a bullshit jar where I’ll keep things until I can read them calmly

listen to people and ask what resources they need

never, ever suggest advice

#hsp #codependency

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frigigly · 9 months

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Hey I wanted to make a post about something that I don’t exactly know how to describe? Pls bear with my I don’t know the words of the speak.

For a while now tumblr just. Has not been making me feel good with a lot of posts.

Idk what it is about my combination of neurodivergency (idk what tho haha undiagnosed and low money) and horrific social anxiety but I always always feel like people are talking down to me or mad at me in some way and it’s *the worst* feeling in the entire world to me, which doesn’t help cause people online do just say stuff to be mad and vent, which is fine.

Like I saw a post recently about how I think autistic people with appetite problems seriously need to try and find a way to eat some kind of vegetable cause it’s so important for your health, and you can’t just survive without it. And I agree with this too cause it’s something I struggle with! And it’s so sweet and it’s obviously coming from such a caring compassionate place! And holy shit did it not help me in any way whatsoever and just left me feeling upset!

I feel so guilty not just taking posts like that well especially when they’re making such a good point, but I want to try and remember to give myself a break, like of course I don’t take it well when someone is criticizing certain behaviors in my general direction, that’s literally my biggest fear lol.

The biggest thing I want to express with this is that like, it’s okay to just not take what people say online well, like it doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you’re being confrontational or an idiot.

Like another thing I don’t care for is the whole stupid debate over the “himbo” word lol. I wanna clarify, I also think people calling x skin and bones kpop model himbos are some of the most insane people on the planet. But also it’s like, what the fuck ever LMAO

Like some people (me included) use it as a gender affirming word, and I think that’s fine if people just want to use the word how they want to if it makes them feel good, or they wanna use it affectionately for their favorite characters. Like I promise you policing people for their favorite characters not having quite as much muscle as you think qualifies as a himbo, is not the epic hill to die on that you think it is LMAO

Suffice to say, I’m trying to get over my inherent guilt at just not feeling “the right way” from what people say online.

I’m sorry if this post makes you angry or makes you feel called out in some way, I don’t want this post to do that but I know it might, cause I usually feel that way from what people say online at this point.

I don’t want this post to make you feel bad, I want you to feel seen and good and leave you happy and give you a positive desire to grow in some way, and that’s what I want for me too.

Anyway that’s all, sorry if this wasn’t coherent at all I was kinda just typing this out however I could lol.

I love you I love you, I kiss you hug you mwah mwah have a good day drink water I love you mwah

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