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fyrerainy · 4 months

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typos and stuff!! will be pretty in-depth, sorry in advance lmao

@strawbubbysugar hi!! ily!! Here's some stuff I've found. This is gonna seem super rude and if you want me to stop, I'll stop!!

[keep in mind, I'm not an expert, though I have read through a textbook on how to write, edit, and get published. Feel free to discard as much of this criticism as you wish /gen]

When editing a manuscript, the experts say to try and cut 10% of your word count, so be sure to keep that in mind. Anything in your book that you feel icky about, or wasn't worded or written in the best way, needs to be addressed. The first draft was about what you wanted. The final copy will be about what the readers want.

Chapter 1

The key to hooking a reader in is to start with a bang. You want to draw their attention from the first sentence. At the moment, "Busy. Busy busy busy, always so busy," isn't seeming like the optimal use of your first paragraph. It's not making me feel intrigued, or making me want to read more. A chunk of this chapter (or the whole thing) may need to be rewritten.

This sentence is confusing me, it's not very concise. Maybe something like "This place was designed to mimic the unfinished amusement park, which proudly reached several floors above its head," would make it easier on the brain.

moment's

Unsure if 'loaded' is the right word here. Perhaps uploaded would work better?

Also, you can probably get rid of "it was advanced", as it's not needed here.

I'm feeling like this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. In a nutshell, it's basically "An AI, now holding onto a toddler." It would work better if you exchanged 'a' with 'the', 'and' with 'was'.

Also, "now with one hand holding onto the seam etc" needs to be changed to "holding onto the labelled seam of a toddler's pants with one hand"

I believe this sentence is contradicting itself as you'd just told me that it didn't have straining core muscles, but then said it was straining. You may need to add a sentence or two about how its gears were grinding, and/or its legs shaking to keep it in place.

Also, "...attempt to not drop either child" needs to be "....attempt not to drop either child".

You may want to change the second "calculated" to "found" so you don't repeat words.

It's not a ball pit anymore bubby X3c

This needs to be changed. Either the first sentence needs to be "it caught the little one with time to spare" or "catching the little one with time to spare, the fluid etc etc". If you choose the second option, you'd have to edit the rest of the sentence to avoid it running on.

"The" needs to be lowercase, and ITS needs to be IT'S

Since we've switched focus from Hello to the kids then back, you may want to establish that this is Hello we're referencing when we say 'it'. Maybe, "The robot gently patted"...?

Also, if you want to be super professional and fancy, you could remove one of those question marks. You don't have to tho!

Wrong its! Its (without an apostrophe) is the possessive form of it, so it means “belonging to it.” “The cat ate its food.” It's (with an apostrophe) is a contraction (shortened form) of it is or it has. “It's almost Christmas.”

You repeated the word down twice, maybe change one of them?

Dialogue needs to be in a separate line from the rest of the paragraph.

again, if you want to be fancy you could remove one of these

It needs to be '...with its face "-Hello Lolly!"' bc the '-' needs to be on both sides

The "but only for a moment" could be removed to make the sentence flow more easily.

Aaaaand dialouge needs to be in a seperate line.

*error buzzer noise* wrong its!

Not sure what the "at least" is doing there. Feels like it doesn't fit

from "both children seemed" to "opposite directions" doesn't make sense. Try something like "...end result- they both had a toy and a piece of candy. They ran off in opposite directions."

Again, we're switching focus, so we may want to re-establish that it's the robot we're paying attention to at the end there.

it's a foam pit, silly!

foam, not ball

wrong its!

remember we're not using he/him for Hello yet 🤫

lowercase pronoun after dialouge

not balls! foam! X3

Along doesn't seem quite right. Around, maybe?

New line for dialouge!

"A mischievous grin wormed its"

Needs another gap in between the last two paragraphs

For conciseness, consider "Lukas was, at this point, sticking out his..."

For conciseness, 'for it' could be removed.

Put off from purchasing

pathfind is probably not the right word to use here. Maybe just use find?

that's what it was here for - to play! (new line after this)

golden rule! new line for dialouge! (also the 'it' after luukaass needs to be lowercased)

for conciseness, you could remove "in any bit of it's coding"

the needs to be lowercase

it's not not peaked, it's peeked!

Clarify this is Hello we're talking about with the warning signs

it pronounssss

There's so much more editing to be done (including in this chapter) but this process of screenshotting etc is taking up spoons. Perhaps you could allow me editing access to the manuscript so I can highlight the changes to be made? Or do them for you, if you prefer? /nf

I'm tired QwQ

#oh gosh oh gosh #is this too much???#tell me if its too much #im not trying to be rude i prommy #i just want the best for your book!#i know some self-publishing places #or are you looking to go to a publisher?#so(u)l project #so(u)l rewrite

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blackgumball · 2 years

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your husband weeps as he goes down on you one last time while you are being euthanised

#IS THIS TOO MUCH???#TELL ME IF ITS TOO MUCH #hes really dedicated to you!#she speaks

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oifaaa · 5 months

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Annabeth is so much stronger then me I'm just saying if my mum got pissed and punished me for something my field trip partner did after i was nothing but the perfect child for the last 5 years meanwhile the guy who actually did the thing got nothing but praise from his dad yeah no Luke wouldn't even have time to ask me if I wanted to fight against the gods I'd already be starting my own revolution

#percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo tv show #percy jackson spoilers #pjo spoilers #pjo tv show spoilers #its the double standard #percy has been here for 7 days #and has literally been nothing but a git towards the gods for those 7 days #and yet his dad is sending river spirits to tell him he loves him #annabeth chase #i love you so much #you are so strong #couldn't be me #im too petty #oifaaaposts

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slavhew · 1 month

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charmed, i'm sure

#homestuck #hom3stuck #jake english #dirk strider #dirkjake #jakedirk #admin draws #fanart #thats what you get for shrimping bro. i told you about the shrimping #to anyone whos been around for a while you can tell im quite obviously obsessed with that pose. that specific way of hugging urself #dirk was never escaping that #i need to draw some janeroxy too it bangs sm and i need to balance out this sausage party ive had going on in my head for the last xyz #how long has it been. how many weeks since ive seen natural light.#whatever.#id keep this to post in a batch with other drawings but it did well on its own on twt so i might as well post it here as is #feel like batchposting several basically finished drawings doesnt do me much good anyways. better serves smaller sketches on the same theme #ramble ramble

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choccy-milky · 28 days

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modern AU seb and clora's first interaction 📘📗 (and by modern AU i actually mean super trope-filled high school romance set in the 80's/90's LOL)

#i need to do ALL the tropes like seb doing the classic 'sneak into her bedroom window' ....and also drive in movies #instead of magic duelling they duel via competing grades LOL. and instead of being a beater seb is on the football team #theyre much more enemies/rivals to lovers in this au than usual too since bookworm vs popular jock. I PROUDLY LOVE MY CLICHES #hogwarts legacy #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x mc #sebastian sallow x oc #hogwarts legacy fanart #sebastian sallow fanart #choccyart #clora clemons #clora when she realizes people can be athletic....AND BE SMART??? no fair. HOW COME HE GETS BOTH #u can tell my boss isnt giving me much work this month bc of all the shit i have time to draw LOOL fine by me!!!!!!!#i already have 2 other modern au pages sketched out of them directly after this scene and then them at a house party #im open to more ideas too👀👀#omg i just realized if this takes place in the 80s then its flipped from being 1890 to 1980......its perfect

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vildo · 2 months

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Remember the look Kirk gave Spock when he found out about Leila?

and how he stared her down LIKE THIS afterwards

Since they didn’t specify why Kirk was the only one immune to spores, I’m gonna take it so far as to say it had no effect on him because he was so mad at Spock about this

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24bughours · 2 months

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Mini comic i drew the first panel of literal months ago and decided to finish in one sitting

After this incident early in their friendship, Undyne would find out that

1. BOTH of the skeleton brothers can break the laws of physics, and 90% of the time its in really mundane ways

2. She IS still buffer than Papyrus, she was just shocked he had any "muscle mass" at all

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sporeclan · 7 days

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< Previous | First | Next >

Finally, we officially have SporeClan's first newborn kitten!!!

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eternalchemy · 8 months

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today i am thinking about ronan lynch always referring to adam as Adam in his thoughts and his monologue but using Parrish when talking to him or about him out loud. something about the illusion of distance, the pretence of detachment he clings onto in public.

#im not able to form more coherent thoughts rn #but adam doesnt do this as much as ronan and i think its very telling #yes adam refers to ronan as lynch too but much less consistently especially after they get together #and ronan not bothering with keeping up these walls in greywaren after waking up again and his first instinct is to look for adam #like him saying wheres adam? my adam. that broke me a little #yeah #pynch #ronan lynch #adam parrish #trc #td3

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codgod · 1 month

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dance of the moonlight jellies

aka drew a scene from my own fanfic yippeee

#.png #last life #martyn inthelittlewood #last life martyn #mumbo jumbo #last life mumbo #sdvau #redwood #ahasbands #trafficshipping #fanart #the fact that u cant see martyns face is um. a metaphor. for the fact that mumbo is looking away #and can’t see how much martyn loves him until he really faces him #and not just me liking this angle and deciding he doesnt get face privileges #also mumbo canonically having a tan in this universe is definitely a decision i made #i’m so used to making him rlly pale.. it threw me off in the pixel art too #because i was using the flats from this piece as reference #its like barely a tan too u cant even tell when he’s not next to martyn 😭#this guy needs to get outta those caves istg

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 7 months

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world's most annoying man is not allowed outside due to his inability to shut up

#AYYYY LIGHTS OUT IS BACK BABEY LETS GO #howdy is Suffering in this au ive come to realize #more so than i previously thought!#he's cooped up in a slightly too small shell of a building #rarely allowed outside bc hes too noisy </3 #mans is desperately Understimmed #wally isnt trying to be harsh hes just asking an honest & earnest question <3 #i have another scribble floating around somewhere of wally putting his hand over howdy's mouth and saying Hush #i think its a funny running joke. everyone is constantly like 'howdy please for the love of fuck. shut up'#he strikes me as the type to talk when nervous. and bored. and excited. hes a talker tell me im wrong #scribble salad #wh lights out au #welcome home au #hes BORED hes with the (objectively) Unfunniest neighbors hes BORED did i mention hes BORED #howdy: *stuffing pouring out of him after getting maimed* this is actually much better than being in the post office #frank: we're going to put you on a leash i swear to fucking god

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oifaaa · 10 months

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I will never understand the obsession with making tims favourite robin Jason when it couldn't be more painfully obvious that tims favourite robin was Dick

Like people are so caught up in the concept, the made up angst, that tims favourite robin beat him up that they straight up misunderstand how much more significant Tim and Dicks relationship is not to mention the added layers of Tim originally being created as the ultimate self insert character which for a good number of readers meant they grew up with Dick as their favourite robin and didn't really like Jason just for not being Dick

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p4nishers · 8 months

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crowley saying "if any harm comes to aziraphale because of this i will–" to gabriel is SO fucking special to me bc he was so clearly afraid of gabriel after the trial like just look at his reaction when he first sees him and him saying he spent a WHOLE NIGHT worrying that gabriel's gonna smite him like he's actually terrified and still after ALL THAT he still threatens gabriel and i just think threatening someone like THAT is actually so vulnerable bc he's making it abundantly clear that he cares for aziraphale and wants him safe and that aziraphale is HIS to protect and he WILL protect him no matter fucking what and i just i can't deal with how outright and upfront crowley was this season not only with aziraphale but with other people ABOUT aziraphale too like he was really not fucking around this season and he needed everyone to know aziraphale is his and made gabriel almost JUMP OUT OF A WINDOW for wanting to hurt aziraphale and the vulnerability of it all is making me go NUTS

#that sceen plays on a loop in my mind i can't get over it #and the fucking 'its always too late' that follows after makes me wanna bash my skull into pieces like oh my GOD he is so fucking scared an #tired and its ALWAYS TOO FUCKING LATE and aziraphale is always getting into trouble bc he's literally the best fucking thing ever and #crowley was too late to save him one time and he's literally terrified out of his mind that it's gonna happen again like you can't tell me #the bookshop fire didn't leave a HUGE scar and impact on crowley and made him literally scared shitless to let aziraphale out of his sight #again let alone leave him alone w his abusive ex boss like my bbg was going thru it SO MUCH this season and just wanted aziraphale safe and #he would actually do anything ANYTHING for him and i genuinely need to lie down for a minute hold on #good omens #good omens s2 #azicrow #crowley #aziraphale #aziracrow #ineffable spouses #good omens season 2 #ineffable husbands #go s2

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lbhslefttiddie · 1 month

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youve heard of sex flowers get ready for the flower that makes you into a celestial shoujo herione complete with particle effects you cannot turn the fuck off and creates a wifebeam so powerful it can incapacitate and maim and keeps making you burst into tears and fall on your ass which makes the wifebeam More Powerful and you also cannot turn this off either. and is also still, sort of, a sex flower

from one of my favorite fanfictions, Celestial Afterglow by elanor_pam, a fic that defies description in the best possible way