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#tbh ive been struggling a lot with my ed
thefact0rygirl · 1 year
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I'm only admitting this on anon but ever since you started posting more about your eating disorder and struggles with recovery, I felt more connected to you. I am going through my own recovery journey and hearing someone else struggle is...helpful. Recovery is glamorized but you post about things no one talks about. Even if they are meant to be vents, they help me feel less alone in my recovery. Thank you for that.
Well. I wasn't expecting this from my vents 🥲 But all the less I'm glad they're comforting! Recovery is such an isolating process. It's either glorified or people use it as an excuse to drop baity comments any chance. It definitely feels like I'm screaming into the void sometimes, so this was relieving to read.
Anonymously tell me what you think of me. Don’t sugarcoat it.
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ominousposting · 10 months
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do u have any more takes on like eds rain 😭😭 theyre so comforting to me idk why
sorry ive been sitting on this ask for a while ive been pretty depressed recently tbh
anyways i think rain has more issues with pain than they do with truly dislocating anything. things just Hurt really bad all the time
ive said this before but i do see them as using mobility aids such as forearm crutches, canes, wheelchairs, etc when not on stage. they dont use them on stage bc they know that they would simply be taken off the project if they were to as it would effect their ability to preform and play, instead just choosing to limp and deal with the consequences (EVEN MORE PAIN) afterwards.
also going based off my idea of ghouls backgrounds (tldr: past lives as humans, died, brought back to serve the church) i still think rain had these issues even as a human. went to a LOT of doctors to try and figure out what was going on bc they were in so much pain. no doctors were able to figure out what was going on with them and they were told by many they were making it up or being dramatic. they still struggle to take their pain seriously bc of that.
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thatbitchsimone · 1 year
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(TW!)
Are there any books, articles or anything that you recommend in the self-help/self-love realm? I struggle w ocd, depression, anxiety and an ed (for the last week I’ve actually decided to recover and have started eating three meals a day!). I’ve kind of had an epiphany and come to terms with the fact that I’ve led myself down really dark path of manipulating everyone around me and the guilt of hiding/lying is unbearable. I’ve lost all my personality, friends and empathy for others. I feel like all my values have become superficial. And overall, I’ve developed such a nihilistic view of the world and I’m so tired of it. Everyday is so miserable and I feel like I’m not enjoying a single second of it because of the restrictions and boundaries I force on myself. I REALLY REALLY want to change, but I’m struggling to find resources (besides my therapist ofc) to inspire me. I want to feel healthy and smart and strong and full of love again. (Would literally piss my pants if you respond, I love u sm and ur advice would mean the world)
ok i just wanna tell u that im so proud of u for taking this step towards recovery and i am rooting for u so hard like honestly im cheering u on so hard rn.
ive never been into self help as a genre tho like it just doesnt rly do anything for me. like all of my self love and acceptance etc come from myself internally like its something ive ”achieved” thru experience and introspection and just age and personal growth like i think its something that was kinda planted inside of me like a seed very early in life that has evolved and grown thru my whole life up to this point, probably by my mom tbh. so im kind of lucky in this sense.
hopefully some ppl will have some recommendations in the replies of this post tho. im sure theres a lot of good stuff out there that the girlies can share.
love u babe i know u will succeed and im gonna be cheering u on every step of the way
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taegularities · 1 year
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TW: mental-health, ED, and mentions of self-harm (pls don't feel obligated to respond if you feel uncomfortable!)
RID HELLO! 🫶 how are you?
i wanted to say that im sorry i havent been as active! idk what it is, but my mental health has been struggling lately? i hope its okay to vent/explain a little, if the topics make you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip to the next paragraph! but yeah idk ive just been very self-conscious and i feel like past habits are resurfacing. im trying to not actively partake in my eating disorder, but it's been very hard to resist lately. im definitely trying be different and handle things better. my main focus lately is to engage in some positive affirmations and try to not break my streak of no self-harm (im 549 days clean!!!) 🎉
but yes i feel rlly guilty for being less active/only sending an ask when i read a fic of urs, i hope you know that im always thinking of you! even if im less active! 🫶 your fics truly do bring me a sense of comfort and peace, almost like an escape, but i will try to be a bit more active after finals are over! 🙏
BUT, ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE; summer is almost here! 🎉 i cant wait to work my summer job and have 3 months of pure fun :) do you have any summer plans?
omg also how's uni? i hope you're doing okay, i know finals week (at least for me, im unfamiliar of the school schedule outside of the u.s.) is approaching! pls remember to take breaks ❤️
i love you, i hope youre having a great day 🫶
- wife from war anon 💂‍♀️
hi, my lovely 🤍
you have no idea how proud i am of you — despite all the struggles life throws at you, you've been fighting so hard and so well, and if that doesn't prove your strength to endure... a big fat congratulations for being 549 (now 550!!) days clean !! it's not easy, so kudos to you, okay? 🥺
don't feel guilty at all about not being here much. i absolutely know that you care for me as a person and not just my fics, i promise 🥺 i'm always thinking of you and want you to prioritise yourself. but i'm still more than freaking happy that i can provide some sort of comfort... like, it's so rewarding and makes me feel so good too, to know those lil stories have an impact on you. :((
good luck with your finals, babe. you can do it !! you can do literally anything, and i am aggressively praying for you that things get better after your exams !! please speak to friends and your family if not... and take care of yourself. you're valued and cherished by many, and doing so so well. and i'm always here to talk, too !! 🤍 AND YAY YES SUMMER !!! have the best one !! ☀️
i've been okay-ish? i'm not sure, really. uni is tiring, though i won't be starting writing my papers before june/july!! work is not gonna help tbh :') thank you, sweetheart. love you lots 🤍
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i-did · 3 years
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hi hello i couldn't sleep last night so i was scrolling thru all ur asks and stuff and ur opinions and analyses are so interesting!!! and then afterwards i was thinking about what u were saying about mlm smut and i'd also been thinking about such things a little bit recently bc like.....at a certain point it becomes quite clear that the vast majority of smut-writing is just imitation. like there's the sex noise verb list and all and the whole general mechanics of the sex and those things just .... replicate over and over. and the whole thing w people writing mlm vs wlw smut regardless of their own sexual orientation..... like i feel like a big part of that is just a self-perpetuating thing. like if u have not had sex and u r getting all ur (pleasure-related) sex ed from fandom (even if u do watch porn, that doesn't rlly tell u how to describe stuff? idk) regardless of What fandom , the majority is going to be mlm smut. which is itself majority imitation of other mlm smut, imitating and imitating back to whoever knows what the first smut fanfic was etc. there's just way More to mimic than there is on the women side of things. which then becomes a self-perpetuating thing, bc the mimicry continues and generates more and more. and---if there are fundamental misunderstandings of anatomy involved---those self-perpetuate as well. and maybe even exaggerate. and yeah. does this all make sense? idk i was just thinking about it. like all the stereotypes and stuff continue bc writers are getting their inspo from other writers rather than their own brains. or something. idk!!!!! it's just all... divorced from reality? bc words. or something!! i hope u get what i'm trying to say. just thoughts i've been thinking. anyway i think ur thoughts are cool. and ur writing. ok bye have a good day!!
Okay yeah this is kinda messy but hope u see this, uhh yeah I think you're right about the echo chamber effect fr about stuff. I think it's a mix of projecting too sometimes. talk more under the cut and also link to a video essay since I love video essays.
Here’s a video that sort of touches on this topic: 
“Gay fanfiction” by Sarah Z. (has CC)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8E_C00dKwI
This video begins to talk about fetishization at the end, but also… not really. The words “gay fanfiction” is used as a catchall, when really gay fanfiction is largely mlm written by non-mlm.
Fandom is a largely women's space dominated by the female gaze in a media industry world that is dominated by men and the male gaze. I'm really glad women have this space to explore creativity and queerness, and I don't expect the female gaze to go away, but I am still ultimately bummed out I can’t read most fanfic or interact with most fandom spaces without having fetishization in my face. 
So about 80% of fandom is women, and most of those women aren't straight, but 90% of those women prefer mlm ships. Why don’t they prefer wlw ships? Well definitely part of it is the fact that queerbaiting is centered around white straight men, and then there is also the fact that women tend not to be written as well charcter wise. But the fact still remains that you get jerjean getting priority over Layla and Alvarez who are in canon just as much and are a canon wlw couple who actually interact as well as Alvarez could likely be a woc because of her Hispanic last name. Korasami doesn’t get nearly as much hype as zuko and saka, despite the fact that they are 2 fully dimensional characters who canonly kiss and hold hands, something the creators fought for and ended up having to sacrifice another reboot for. 
I do believe the fandom echo-chamber is largely responsible for… a lot of things, like you're saying. But what's interesting is that the complaints I've heard about visual porn from non mlm in the fandom space is that they can’t get off to it because its for the male gaze and misogynistic usually. But they also don't seem to notice how the mlm smut circles has the female gaze and is also… almost always mlm. If it was a pure anatomical not knowing thing, I get that, but I also think that leads to the question of “then why the male body for porn, and not your own? The one you know and are familiar with?” 
I know some people want to get outside of their own body for porn and don’t want to think of their own anatomy at all, but overall I'm still uncomfortable. If an anglo said “well I watch porn of only Mexicans so I don't self insert” I'm gonna be like … hhhh in a similar way. I understand people “like what they like” but I wish they also noticed said patterns in the first place. I understand the t4t tumblr porn circle, and how it's different from cis people who only watch trans porn. 
I actually wished that instead of fandom focusing on mlm ships where some asshole guy hits on bottom troupe charcter for top troupe character to save, was instead… a wlw character experiencing said shitty getting hit on and other wlw swooping in. what's interesting is fandom writes a lot about misogynistic experiences without often realizing it. Ive read fanfic where guys get called sluts for sleeping with people or called bitch for speaking their mind, these arent things men usually experience, but rather women. Fandom has a lot of internalized misogyny and also queerphobia imo. Women characters often get pushed to the sidelines and men become the canvas for female fans to project onto. 
There is this natural inclination to mlm. When people are talking about “gay shipping” or “gay books” or “gay feels” or even just “gay” mlm is what’s largely in mind. I honestly am kinda saddened by this because if gay fanfiction was really solely about writing more to feel represented, then you would see a lot of bi and ace and lesbian rep, but this isn't the case. Queer women are seriously underrepresented, and I want to hear their stories and read them in fanfiction as well as published. 50% of lgbt literature is mlm, and of that its largely written by women. Becky Albertalli, Rainbow Rowell, Maggie Stiefvater, are the YA big names and are all women writing mlm. Red white and royal blue is written by Casey McQuiston and Captive prince (which is not YA) is written by C. S. Pacat, who is non-binary, but is also TME and not mlm. These are all the big names in mlm lit, behind them is some gay men, but honestly their stories aren't preferred, they're not the right “flavor” for the consumers usually, who are largely women. In general YA consumers and authors are women, but I wish that they… just wrote about women too. I think there is a certain… snowball effect to the overrepresentation of mlm representing the whole LGBT community that leads to fetishization, as well as misogyny playing a factor in: less women characters being written well to write fanfic on, when they are written well they're taken less seriously or the audience struggles to relate to them, they're less marketable then men. 
Idk I never feel “seen” or “represented” by any of the books above, which don't address boyhood and manhood and queerness intersecting really, and AFTG doesn’t either. I relate to AFTG as a trauma victim who has experienced a lot of what many of the characters go through and have gone through in the EC as well as them just overall being very well written characters, but I don't relate to it as a mlm really. I've never seen like.. gay voice or being straight passing or femphobia or how boyhood can be affected from a young age by those around you sensing you're ‘other’ or if you didn't experience this you feel outside the mlm community. Let alone sub cultures like bear and leather and pup, at most you see the word “he's such a twink” in fandom which... i fr hate non mlm using that word because it's usually used to replace the f-slur essentially, used derogatorily or to call him “such a bottom” and stuff like that. It’s like a joke or an insult.
Long story short, idk mang this was a ramble and I think I'm coning down with something. I wanna see more queer women rep and women authors writing about being a queer woman too. I think it's a complex web of fetishization and a bit of forbidden love yaoi culture (or it used to be in the BOYXBOY days) as well as misogyny on an industry level, creator level, as well as reader/consumer and fandom level. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to explore other peoples stories and what we read has to be segregated, “only mlm are allowed to read and write mlm, only wlw are allowed to read and write wlw,” but I also think author’s intent and audience and background is telling, as well as overall statistics. Like about an hour ago I was looking for cookbooks in spanish or in english, and I was looking for some mexican food cook books, but I had to look for them using words in spanish because otherwise what came up was a bunch of “fiesta party, easy as uno dos tres authentic cooking!” and I was like… hm. Since I could tell they were marketing to anglos. (also the author’s last names were like michelle smith, james cooper, and this could be for a variety of reasons, but I trust Hispanic names more tbh and deadass would look at the authors pictures and if they had other books in Spanish or what their specialties were.)
anyways. not sure how to end this. uhm if anyone has any book recs (my to read list is like 500 books tho no joke) preferably not YA white mlm written by a white lady, hopefully queer women written by queer woman, LMK, I need more wlw and queer women stories on my list. I have a decent amount but always looking for more. I kinda wanna link my goodreads or my storygraph but I also don't want to get doxxed and it has my legal name on it so.
Also, I'm dyslexic and using spell check but if there's like some wild typos my b.
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ascaryghost · 3 years
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Hey I’m the anon who asked about the 💩 and can I just say - THANK you SO much for being so open and honest about something like that because yeah it must feel so uncomfy to unconcerned those memories but I want you to know (if you don’t know already) how insanely helpful it is to read stories like that when you’re struggling with the ideas of “wanting to be sicker” - everyone always talks about how “you’ll be cold all the time!!! So boys will give u sweaters!!!” Nobody talks about the literal shutting your pants in public but because you’re exercising still not taking that as the cue to go straight home - literalky insanely helpful to read and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come in your recovery that you can flat out say “it wasn’t worth it” - I was half expecting the ask to not even be answered so I truly can’t thank you enough for sharing this 🌼🌼🌼you’re a fucking warrior and a champion and I LOVE you ❤️❤️❤️
yea it was honestly no problem sharing that story and i think its rly important as well. and yea istg boys were scared of me (which hm, tbh kinda pog at least they stayed away lol /hj) and did defintily not give me their sweaters, in fact i had to suffer in the winter when the stupid boys opened the classroom windows and i sat there dying of coldness. And the ed coldness isnt glorious its like u literally have no body heat. to anyone who haven't gone through it, think of it like this - everybody has a small little fire deep inside, so even when ur in cold weather ur not cold all the way through. ed cold u dont have that fire and coldness just completely fills you and runs through you and you would do literally anything to get warm again but no amount of layers is enough because really what you are missing is internal warmth and its rly rly rly horrible.
but abt the recovery part, ive gone through recovery but im relapsed like i just wanna make it rly rly clear that what im doing isnt recovery and im def not in a healthy mindset like pls dont do what im doing. i went through recovery and relapsed so that + my experiences w hospitalization and literally being at death's door made me have a very complicated relationship with my ed. like i feel like im rly good at being like "ok no no no we need to fucking eat something rn." like pulling myself up when i go to deep etc cause i never ever wanna go back to where i was before my failed recovery and i know this is what every person with an ed says and then fucking die like years later but i honestly feel like im good at handling my ed so i dont go too deep. Like i dont have any desire to be bonespx because i have been and it sucked, i dont feel invalid bc i dont 'look anorexic enough' like a lot of ed ppl do etc. But yea the sick thing abt eds is that even though u know what ur doing isnt worth it and unhealthy you can still keep getting pulled back into it tbh i have to remind myself a lot of how things used to be to keep myself from falling down the hole. as soon as i find myself looking at bxnespo and thinking "waittt actually..." i have to just stop and make sure i don't go deeper. Anyways my point was pls everyone practice harm reduction this way too, not only keeping something sweet with you in case u feel dizzy etc but please practice it in your mind too. You have to do everything you can to stop yourself from falling too deep into this.<33 pls <33
anyways i love you too even though idk who u are but you seem like a wonderfully sweet person and im sorry all my answers are so long and rambly but like i dont wanna half assedly answer these things bc they are so important i feel like i rly need to explain them thoroughly to make sure nobody gets the wrong msg etc.<3
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healing-positivity · 3 years
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my friends think i should see an ed specialist, and tbh i don’t really understand why because eating is barely a struggle anymore, i mean sometimes and like if i make a change to my routine, but i am still very much struggling with body image. the problem is that because ive made progress on my own i don’t feel like im sick enough to need an ed specialist, at least not anymore. ive been in recovery for a little over 2 years but i was in and out of quasi recovery for 4ish years. ive never gotten professional help. should I look into a specialist?
Hi anon! With EDs, quite often there's a tendency for the ED to tell us that we aren't sick enough to seek help. Often people like friends and family have a more objective perspective as compared to us, so when they voice their concerns despite you being in recovery there might be something concerning that maybe hasn't really come to your notice yet. I think recovering from EDs is a long road and I'm very proud of you for being so strong this far. But from what I understand, it's always good to get professional help. I think that if it's possible for you to go, it could help you out. Perhaps you might go to a specialist and get some more insight into the issues you face and how to tackle them. At the end of the day, do what you feel is best for yourself and your health.
Sending you lots of love❤️
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vanillatalc · 2 years
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today -
im feeling frustrated w/ myself for posting so heavily about OCD this week bc i really dislike when diagnoses become synonymous w/ distress becomes synonymous w/ your social media presence - HOWEVER, i do feel that the OCD diagnosis is honestly the only one that i find helpful + seems to actually potentially be able to bring some relief via treatment routes. like tbh i dismiss everything else ive ever been diagnosed w/ at this point (self-undiagnosis ayyy) but the OCD feels real + true + i think that i should not let my mostly anti-psych ideology close me off from routes that may well actually provide major relief? so i apologise for (at least at present) being one of those blogs that i dont like myself, i just dunno what else to doooo and OCD is fairly solid shorthand so that i dont have to write out like 5 sentences detailing my obsessive thoughts each time lol
anyway, that said -
i fear this will get long, so
still bad, still very shameful / guilty / distressed, but i didn’t cry today, which can only be a good sign right? lol :/
i really think that if the past few months hadn’t been so bad... argh... i keep thinking this, which is annoying bc i cant change any of it, but i keep thinking of like all the shit that’s gone down
a) my sister’s ED being a long-term stressor for my own ED b) some blow-ups w/ my mum (in which she totally denied my even having an ED, nice!) c) fairly unremitting misogyny from ch/ess spheres (leading to me leaving a place ive spent probably hundreds of hours in over the past few years - honestly it took a lot to get to that point so you can imagine) d) ben getting ill (one of my worst triggers tbh), which resulted in a week-long starvation episode, as well as self-harming for the first time in a few years e) our fucking garden wall blowing over, making my already-present obsessive fears about the cat’s safety much more prescient and loud f) visiting ben’s family (which was fine, i should add), which was the first time ive been in a room w/ anyone other than ben/ana/shop people since pre-covid - and left me weirdly overstimulated for like 3 days afterwards e) general bullshit of living in england under the tories, general covid worries
like that’s a lot right? someone agree w/ me so i dont feel so stupid about this lol :/
but the thing im really struggling w/ in this episode is that previously ive always felt that it was me vs the misery - but now i feel like the misery is actually true and correct. which is really really unusual for me - i think i’ve said before on here that im basically at peace w/ who i am as a person. and now suddenly im not, and that’s been a fucking nightmare! bc ben, as he usually does whenever things go suddenly downhill, has been like - ‘be kind to yourself! do things you like! do self-care!’ and every other time i’ve been like right for sure :) gotta recover from this :) and this time im like ... you wouldn’t say that if you knew The Truth! you wouldn’t say that if you knew who i Really Am! bc of all this guilt/shame/etc i feel like the usual rules dont apply, that im not ‘ill’, that im literally just coming to terms w/ evil shit ive done in the past and that this is like some kind of delayed moral reaction, that im like finally appropriately feeling bad. (again about like years-old shit in which no one even got hurt) but i also logically know that that’s not true, and that this is an OCD episode, but bc the symptoms are so different to what im used to it took me like 5 days to realise that. and i really really hate this!!! it feels so DIFFERENT :(
and i think the fact alone that im desperately worried about things i did 3y ago ranging to like... 12? y ago rather than ANYTHING i did recently is a really good indication that it’s not appropriate guilt at all - that it is just OCD. i read some blog posts about OCD stemming from real events and it was actually incredibly enlightening  tbh wrt thought processes etc bc ive literally never had anything like this before so even just realising im not the only one, that this ISNT appropriate guilt to historic ‘offences’, that even if you have transgressed it’s still OCD, that was really helpful
(also just fyi i dont want to go into details bc i dont think its helpful for anyone most importantly me lol but just in case people are thinking i killed someone or st - i didn’t hurt anyone, i didnt cheat on ben, i didnt do anything that would get me imprisoned or even fined or you know whatever. like even looking back on this list i feel like i should be quite clearly more able to rationalise it as Not A Big Deal in the grand scheme of things but i cannot!!!!)
anyway i think i will probably give OCD-specific therapy a go bc even if this goes away, ive definitely noticed that the OCD is getting worse overall i think unfortunately, that like, the bad patches are worse than they used to be. which is fucking annoying. i don’t know why, i’m not sure that’s important. i suspect it’s bc my life has been (as detailed above) much more stressful lately, but the reasons for it don’t seem to matter v much, i think i need to be more concerned w/ like actually getting out of this
i will say that the obsessions about me actually being a lesbian passed fairly quickly (w/in like i wanna say a week or two?) so im really hopeful this will go the same way? but the fact that this particular flavour of OCD has been i would say worse than any of the other obsessions ive ever had is definitely some kind of wake up call that i need to take this seriously and not just do whatever the compulsions demand, just bc it’s easier
also just to finish - i have a pasty in the fridge that im too afraid to eat bc some condensation touched the wrapper, and ben was lifting it up like looking hungrily at it LOL. (he eats all the food i OCD-reject w/o really questioning it, which ftr i vastly prefer to it being this big fucking event every time)
and i was like - i guess given the circumstances you should probably tell me to eat it ben: yeah...
then we both just started laughing. brief moment of levity i guess
i also had a slight victory for my dinner. the saucepan was dirty, so i thought ‘better just have some instant noodles instead of washing this out, in case i miss a spot’, and then had the second thought of like - yeah this really IS why you are in this current mess actually, bc you do not ever go against these thoughts, and so i actually did wash the saucepan and used it to cook some pasta
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lady-plantagenet · 3 years
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if you’re still doing those: edward iv / elizabeth woodville for the ship bingo 🕊x
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I’m so sorry, this whole past week has been one massive mental breakdown and I have been finding it incredibly hard to do anything besides uni assignments and writing. Also, I have a lot to say about these two so I didn’t want to half-ass it.
Some Comments:
I don’t know if I told you this but this used to be my OTP, like years ago when I first got into this era and did not think/know much about Clarence and the others. But now it’s no longer the case and that’s not necessarily because it got replaced by gisabel per se but because I’ve always found it extremely hard to reconcile myself with the infidelity aspect. Even when I was more childish I felt a bit dissapointed in the fact that he didn’t appoint her (or Anthony) regent, like obviously now I understand why it was to an extent untenable politically, but back then my younger mind just saw it as ‘he trusted his brother more’, which kind of threw a wrench. So much for the ‘it’s complicated’ square. The problem with long marriages is that the delicious aspect tends to wane, and that can’t be helped in a 20 year long marriage! But obviously the 1464-1470 years taken into isolation... well... it was the epitome of delicious, sexual and romantic. You might find me pointing this out wierd given that I didn’t make the same remarks on Catherine of Valois and Owen Tudor who were also a pretty long marriage, it’s just that... in my mind they kind of stagnate age-wise even as they advance past their twenties because the whole narrative (historical and fictional) around them focuses on the first years of their union and the tribulations, whereas Edward and Elizabeth have a presence way past that as they were after all monarchs and never at one point left to live a quiet life and were no longer chronicled - so in that way they age before our eyes. And with that age you see the infidelity issue get worse, together with Edward’s greater promotion of Gloucester, his drinking, eating etc issues and it starts painting a sad image into my mind of like idk a love that at one point stopped being what it once was and could never again be - like the embers burning out? This turns the what could have been a obbsessive unhealthiness borne from passion into another caused by disillusionment? I don’t put too much stock into this, personally I feel the change in Edward was caused by other external factors and not Elizabeth herself eg Warwick and Clarence’s betrayals and deaths, the massive burden of fixing the previous administration’s mess etc. Nevertheless, Elizabeth on her own did not seem to be enough to drag him out of it and prevent some of his unhealthy habits. I do realise it’s a bit too much to ask for though.
Nevertheless, I do see them as soulmates, she seemed like one of the only people who could keep up with him in will and wit (though Jane Shore seemed quite a competitor in this regard) I’m not the type of person who thinks Edward was dominated by his lust, and I think based on that venetian letter (you know the Ziglio one XD) and the fact that it said that Edward loved her for a long time before marrying her, it was clearly a decision from the heart not the *ahem* codpiece. Also a part of the soulmate/star-crossed trope is the whole ‘they defied all odds, they withstood opposition’, and Liz and Big Ed are famously that. I would totally read fic for this but surprisingly there aren’t many! I honestly don’t know how come?? Like yes they do appear in a lot of histfics and the like, but apart from TWQ they are never the central focus, and even there we don’t get enough of them (which really irritates me). Some write me some!! I am intrigued by the pairing but extremely picky when it comes to how they are written because I have particular headcanons which I am fairly wedded to but do not expect they will be abided by. More in the pragraph below.
The Ship:
I absolutely can not stand portrayals of Elizabeth Woodville as a golddigger, much less some Marilyn Monroe type of bimbo. We know the type of beauty she had... a chronicler called her an excellent but solemn (or sthing like that) beauty where York in his letters to her for the marriage of Sir Hugh complemented her deep sorrowful look or such. She was a pious, economical woman who took her queenship extremely seriously and led a cultivated court, patronised literature and may have also written a poem herself (you know the one about Venus we spoke about). She was years older than Edward and on top of that a widow with two children of her own. I want to see that dynamic! I want to especially see how she drew Edward away from Warwick’s influences in order to put him on the path he was angling for: the statute of livery 1463 and the new sumptuary laws (that most famously restricted the length of piked shoes to 3 inches hhh) are very indicative of a king who (even before meeting her) wanted to install a strong centralised monarchy with a monopoly on violence and its laws. Not because of some rapaciousness on her part but because her and her family believed in him, experienced the exequies of war and wanted to put a stop to it. I want her to love Edward for putting an end to people like Warwick who caused all her family’s (and the gentry class as a whole) misfortunes and struggles, and in a way feel like she provided him with not only a circle of people who would help him realise this but also with a sort of family to soften the personal blow that he felt when part of his birth family betrayed him. I love the father-in-law becomes surrogate father trope (as I think you can tell) and I like to see Earl Rivers as that for him, hell you can take it even further and make Jacquetta as some sort of mother-figure for him as opposed to Cecily who apparently scorned the marriage and at that time seemed to side more heavily with George. I like to think under her influence she empowered him to act more ruthlessly in pursuit of his goal, but at the same time I think that while certain things were good in the long-term eg Clarence’s execution, (maybe Desmond’s??) they may have had a toll on the relationship later on. I headcanon Elizabeth as tragically hardened by the loss of her brother and father at Edgecoat and I think that may also have thrown a bit of a wrench into their love, given how she was faced with the violent consequences of being queen and afterwards with how Warwick and co. went free and she lost her chance of vengeance. I don’t think they were ever out of love though, especially judging by how she continued to be pregnant up to 3 years short of his death and the absolute trust he put in her. But I headcanon his attachment to Jane Shore as him seeking the light-hearted wit and lively banter that Elizabeth slowly started losing as the years went on and she became less vivacious and a tad more calculating and icy. I headcanon them as having a rift when it came to dealing with problems: she would keep on with her ministrations whereas he would just want to engage in escapisms. But the thing with the infidelity is that one should keep in mind that during that period relations would have to stop once the woman started showing, so Edward having affairs should not be read into too much tbh, perhaps it was more a type of addiction on his part like drinking and eating was - like all part of an excessive Epicureanism which he adopted to relieve himself of his stresses and sorrows (and boy were there many!), so not something that necessarily indicated he grew tired of her or whatever. Maybe she understood that and that’s why she didn’t make a fuss? But then again, the fact that there wasn’t complete faithfulness remains a personal impediment for me with this ship :// that’s just me personally.
Also the discussion we had about Mélusine and the alchemical elements and Edward IV’s own interest in such (which was used as ammunition for George when he accused Edward of engaging in dark arts to corrupt his subjects XD... yes I know très ironique)... made me headcanon him and Elizabeth bonding over this, and perhaps seeing their union as somewhat quite mystical. It would be something so interesting to explore and I think it’s a real shame that people nowadays recoil everytime they hear the word ‘Woodville’ and ‘Mélusine’ put together which is a shame because when handled delicately it could turn into something beautiful and it was certainly not a PG invention!
Also... those two have some bitchin’ fannart!
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So yes, this was quite the stream of consciousness... but I do have a lot of thoughts for this couple! They were my OTP for the longest time after all.
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listlessgod · 4 years
Note
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling so much! What do you think is the root cause of your eating disorder?
Aw no don’t be sorry! And that’s a difficult question I’m not really sure tbh ?? I feel like I’m very self aware but I think it’s a mix of a lot of things. Ive always felt worthless and inferior to other people, like no matter how hard I try there’s always this voice telling me I’m not important and I’m not good enough and that everything I say or do is wrong. Losing weight is the only thing that gives me a sense of accomplishment and it makes me feel clean and pure and safe. I also struggle with OCD so my brain makes up a lot of rules I have to follow and I’m very strict with myself and my thoughts with food are very obsessive. I actually really love food, probably way too much. I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food since I was about 8 or 9? I would binge eat and stash food and eat in secret all the time bc I lived in a stressful environment and it gave me comfort but I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment and my family would call me fat and a pig and other things for it. I was very neglected so I have been fending for myself with everything including food since before I knew how to cook and was never taught how to take care of myself. I would get in a lot of trouble when I binged so eating has become something taboo to me and I feel guilty and disgusting eating even a small portion of food. It wasn’t until I was in early high school that my ed evolved to be restrictive as I started hating myself more and more. I remember when I first started restricting I would tell myself I wasn’t allowed to be happy or live my life or be “visible” until I was skinny. but I still feel unworthy. My thoughts have gotten more obsessive over time, and I know logically people need food to survive and so eating can’t be bad and I know I’m hurting myself and it’s pointless and nonsensical to do this to myself. But it doesn’t feel that way. To me, anorexia feels like being in love. But no matter how much weight I lose or how many times people tell me I look sick, too skinny, or like I’m wasting away, I still feel like the same fat unloveable bad little girl who hid herself away out of shame and embarrassment.
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weirdlizard26 · 5 years
Note
For the ask meme? All of them.
jay,,,
give me a sec to edit this post ok
1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?
wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine
i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever
2. chocolate bars or lollipops?
i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice
3. bubblegum or cotton candy?
havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?
i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book
7. earbuds or headphones?
ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me
8. movies or tv shows?
tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs
9. favorite smell in the summer?
pavement after rain and also. grass.
10. game you were best at in p.e.?
haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*
11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?
just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!
12. name of your favorite playlist?
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sorry i couldnt choose!
13. lanyard or key ring?
key ring!
14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually
16. most comfortable position to sit in?
its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?
my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice
18. ideal weather?
when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice
19. sleeping position?
i just lie on my left side like a fool
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
notebook!
21. obsession from childhood?
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!
22. role model?
kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do
23. strange habits?
repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.
24. favorite crystal?
all of them!!!!!
25. first song you remember hearing?
my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
go for a walk!
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
slep
28. five songs to describe you?
we are the people by empire of the sun
home by cavetown
strawberry blonde by mitski
smile like you mean it by the killers
afterlife by arcade fire
29. best way to bond with you?
wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes
30. places that you find sacred?
i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?
*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match
32. top five favorite vines?
road work ahead
a avocado!! thanks!!!!!
REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
i fell can you help me :(
that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles
33. most used phrase in your phone?
idk how to check that??? sowwy
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv
35. average time you fall asleep?
3am? 4am? idk for sure
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
t-trollface…
37. suitcase or duffel bag?
havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff
38. lemonade or tea?
depends on my mood!
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals
41. last person you texted?
jay uwu
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?
afabs cant have both huh
but i want both. please give me both.
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?
all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies
44. favorite scent for soap?
aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
something really really long
47. favorite type of cheese?
there are different types????
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
i hope im a pear
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
become a good person. thats all.
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier
51. current stresses?
UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!
52. favorite font?
i like comic sans
53. what is the current state of your hands?
they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again
54. what did you learn from your first job?
i dont have one!
55. favorite fairy tale?
gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;
56. favorite tradition?
on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend
58. four talents you’re proud of having?
singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
im torn between sports anime and slice of life
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly
from haikyuu
obviously
62. seven characters you relate to?
tsukishima kei from haikyuu
mae borowski from nitw
apollo justice from ace attorney
flame princess from adventure time
donatello from tmnt
sokka from atla
kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100
63. five songs that would play in your club?
mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds
64. favorite website from your childhood?
if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf
65. any permanent scars?
yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox
66. favorite flower(s)?
idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips
67. good luck charms?
dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,
70. left or right handed?
im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie
71. least favorite pattern?
i like traditional ukrainian ornaments
72. worst subject?
history :P
73. favorite weird flavor combo?
ice cream + fries
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying
75. when did you lose your first tooth?
idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
if its green it can stay
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?
i dont have a license, so.
80. earth tones or jewel tones?
kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!
81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
fireflies!
82. pc or console?
i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!
83. writing or drawing?
please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad
84. podcasts or talk radio?
podcasts :O
84. barbie or polly pocket?
idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!
85. fairy tales or mythology?
i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both
86. cookies or cupcakes?
my heart goes to cookies
87. your greatest fear?
finding out im faking any part of my identity
88. your greatest wish?
get through whatever’s going on right now
89. who would you put before everyone else?
mom
90. luckiest mistake?
when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally
91. boxes or bags?
boxes!
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
fairy lights……
93. nicknames?
never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name
94. favorite season?
spring ;w;
95. favorite app on your phone?
sudoku
 96. desktop background?
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 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?
my own and my mom’s
 98. favorite historical era?
eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap
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hagiographically · 7 years
Note
oh god i didn’t realize how exhausting it would be to talk about thin/pretty privilege with my friends who have never been fat Yikes!! but then i went on your blog and it made me feel so much better so thank you so much :) i’ve never seen anyone else have pretty much the same experiences as me and your blog is really reassuring tbh i appreciate you a lot for speaking about these issues 💛 sending you love and gratitude 💕💕
its so strange and weird that this quarter more than ever ive been thinking and talking about my experiences with weight and fatness more than i ever have??? like. i haven’t been fat in quite a while but i constantly find myself thinking about my past as a fat person. and i feel even more disoriented and detached from people who can’t relate, and literally none of my friends have ever been fat (i have several female friends who’ve struggled with disordered eating, because that’s almost a hallmark of the female experience tbh, but none of them came from an actual state of overweightness and so i can’t relate and i don’t think it’s the same. i feel like the reason i have an Eating Disorder and not just Disordered Eating is because i have a history of fatness)
ANYWAY i’m glad my sharing has been beneficial for you and yup you are definitely not alone - the only thing we can do is be the change, and speak up ourselves about how it’s affected us. it’s really strange to me that in my three years of various ED treatments we…..never….talk….about…fatphobia….. like none of my therapists have ever been fat, the other girls haven’t ever been fat, no one fucking gets how hard it is as a fat person and like honestly? they like to say that having an ED is based on genetics or whatever but fatphobia basically instills disordered eating onto fat people and i don’t know why ED discourse doesn’t talk about how society is fucked up towards fat ppl. i wish more people spoke about this! but until they do i will. let me know if i can do anything to support u ily
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fahrminbrahmin · 7 years
Text
ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao
1. which eating disorder(s) do you have? 
tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?

2. when did you develop your eating disorder?
this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years

3. are you currently in recovery?
im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no

4. honestly, do you want to recover?
again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point

5. how are you doing today?
unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc

6. 5 safe foods?
lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.

7. 5 fear foods?
tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein

8. do you count calories?
yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao

9. what is your max calorie limit?
i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol

10. what is your height?
5′3″ / 161cm 

11. what is your ultimate goal weight?
it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho

12. are you trying to lose weight?
absolutely yes

13. have you ever been called “fat”?
honestly i cant even remember if i have or not

14. have you ever been called “too thin”?
ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh

15. what is your current goal weight?
48.7kgs

16. what was your highest weight?
when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs

17. what was your lowest weight?
49.1kgs

18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?
im there rn 

19. does your family know about your eating disorder?
yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows

20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?
yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told

21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?
yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect

22. have any “free foods”?
lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea

23. how often do you weigh yourself?
every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol

24. thinspo or bonespo?
neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal

25. biggest problem area on your body?
my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

26. favourite part of your body?
tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo

27. what kind of results do you want to see?
booooooones!!

28. do you purge?
:/ yeah

29. do you take laxatives?
yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose

30. how often do you purge?
it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.

31. do you binge?
by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge

32. how long have you fasted for?
im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours

33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?
hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.

34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?
none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book

35. favourite thinspo picture?
again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it

36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?
ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here

37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?
Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it

38. what is your BMI?
currently, 19.1 
39. do you follow a diet?
yeah, as little calories as possible lmao

40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?
most if not all of it? its all i think about

41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?
yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA

42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?
c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool

43. meanspo or sweetspo?
not about the whole concept tbqh

44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?
the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin

45. ever been inpatient? 
/ 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?
nah but ive been threatened with it

49. are you currently in therapy?
yeah, individual therapy and DBT

50. what did you eat today?
a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao

51. are you scared about the holidays?
yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/

52. are your family/friends supportive?
kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself

53. have any other mental illnesses?
’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?

54. looking for ana buddies?
nopenopenope ill never encourage this

55. what is your current weight?
as of this morning: 49.1kgs
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ouransisters · 4 years
Text
A post mainly to help describe whats happening and how I'm feeling. Idk how to add a read more thing on mobile so just scroll on past
I get overwhelmed easily especially off my anxiety meds but I never really knew how pain affects my sensory issues until now
Noise is what affects me the most, but when I was younger how things felt would mess with me. Tags used to be a nightmare, but they've faded into to numbness (i think that's the word) of like everything else.
For me how things feel is similar to looking people in the eyes. I do it everyday, but I dont know my parents eye colors. I'm not really focusing on their eyes persay as it's more just habit. I got scolded enough for it as a child
For me i have to be touching something with the intent to describe it's texture to really notice it. Otherwise it's lost in the background. I still do find myself getting and wearing clothes without tags but it's never consciously. Stuff like cheap velvet still really bother me, but oh well
Tbh I don't know if all of this is really that good. I was forced to deal with most of these things until I stopped acting weird about them. It's honestly really similar to how I was treated with my physical health and I can see how damaging that was.
I know it's quite obvious what I'm dealing with but I'm not quite ready yet. I've acknowledged that it's a possibility, but that's as far as I can go right now
I am allowing myself to start to do certain things again. I've got a necklace in the mail that's to chew on that I can also mess around with my fingers. In middle school I stopped chewing on my hair through a lot of effort, but whats the harm of something made for it? It'll also be nice to mess with something that doesn't make a lot of noise that won't be flung across the room (pencils are rather annoying like that)
When i get a job again I think I'm going to try the clothing thats made for people sensory issues. If it works it works, but if it doesn't what harm does buying a shirt do?
With me realizing I don't know what the human body is supposed to do it made me think about how the mind is supposed to work. I've been ignoring that for a while and now
What also brought it up was hearing about people with what im suspecting talk about it. Especially when one girl talked about being diagnosed as an adult who also has eds. Its like "oh hey we have the same issue. But do we also have the same issue?" What she assumed to be anxiety i assumed to be anxiety, so yeah
I dont understand how my head works and I likely never will. I just need to get over the whole "i need a doctor to being it up without me asking for it to be real" thing. Ive been right on quite a few things on my health (ex POTS and EDS)
I'm just seeing things on people talking about masking and mimicking and shutting down and how i process emotions and how i communicate and how i cope. And with all of these there's people saying it's because of this thing and that's how I live. Thats how I've always lived.
I've been told that everyone struggles like this. I was told that I'm being rude and disrespectful and weird and that I need to stop it. That how I naturally am is wrong. I hate it
0 notes
flockofdoves · 5 years
Text
oh last post on this tangent bc its genuinely sooo stupid of me (ive like . regressed in the parasocial relationships i build with celebrities as a whole 20 year old i guess unfortunately. trying to be normal abt it) but in refeeding from ed stuff this month and getting more visibly chubby again and also for the first time of my life having a much better grasp on both political and personal topics relating to weight and eating and stuff like set point theory
like coincidentally mcr coming back this month too and being put into some conversations with people being fatphobic and stuff wrt gerards appearance now and ofc that isnt right regardless and already didnt sit right with me even last year when i heard similar bc hes been open he had trouble with addiction and was under a lot of mental strain during parts of mcrs career he seemed clearly in a better place now leave him alone etc etc. but also now that i better understand set point theory and stuff like . they were fat or at least somewhat chubby most of their life and finding out now during danger days era they literally had an eating disorder that makes me even more angry about how people talk about this stuff with concern trolling about “health” or whatever
but also on a really goofy personal level by having that be one of the first opportunities for me to articulate what i learned that helped me realize i had a problem externally its embarrassing but something thats helped me get beyond just . the intellectual aspect of knowing how i’m being affected by these wider systems and that its ridiculous to aspire to be thinner (interestingly thats not even where my patterns of disordered eating became a genuine consistent illness there were other things at play that i didnt even recognize what i was doing but i just mean. even after all this being like ‘aw i’d like to still look less chubby tho’) and to just constantly struggle with the way my body naturally is for the rest of my life in that never ending “goal” even if i’ve never externalized that in my expectations for others to being like . gerard way has been inspiration for me for a long time in a lot of ways but i’m just referring to fashion/aesthetics and if i think he looks cool in like. old bullets era photos or now then theres literally no reason i should be thinking i personally can’t convey the Look i want to look like without putting great strain on my body.
like obviously i know that doesn’t make sense i love/admire/find attractive/etc so many people of so many body types many of whom have had personal aesthetics in their fashion sense that i really admire (and no one has to care abt fashion but i just personally think about what i wear a lot and how that factors into how i’m perceived so feeling like i can be fashionable in the way i want to be in my body is something i get stuck on) but for some reason that didn’t budge internalized shit too much til now and i’m feeling kinda dumb about it but thats where i’m at ig
also just realized this doesnt even immediately connect to what i was talking about before but i. thought about it because my hair is kinda similar in length/texture to bullets era gerard rn and looking in the mirror today because of that for the first time i wasnt like ‘if only i didnt have that fat under my chin/jaw i’d look cool. this haircut is making it more noticeable’ bc tbh their jawline looks similar in photos
of course maybe thats not the most healthy way of going about body image stuff either and it is a bit weird for sure but ig. its a start?? idk!
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affordable insurance agency marinette wi
"affordable insurance agency marinette wi
affordable insurance agency marinette wi
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affordable insurance agency marinette wi
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affordable insurance agency marinette wi
affordable insurance agency marinette wi
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What's the average cost of car insurance for a 20 year old male?
I'm shopping around for car insurance and I'm trying to get an idea of what's average. I'm a 20 year old male living in Florida with no points on my license.
Cheapest car insurance?
What would be the cheapest car insurance for a low income 18 year old female who has had two tickets. I have a Chevy Tahoe-2006 and I live in Oklahoma if that helps.
Will insurance cover a salvage car?
I need to know cuz im buying a car. what insurance company will cover it. and will it be expensive??
affordable insurance agency marinette wi
affordable insurance agency marinette wi
Hey how much is Honda CBR 125 insurance?
Hey I am 17 years old, living in Ontario. I want to buy a 2007 Honda CBR 125. I have my M2 and was wondering if anyone with similar information could let me know about how much I would be paying per year on insurance.""
What will my insurance be approx?
When I pass my driving test I will be looking to buy either a peugeot 106 or 206 1 litre, i am 17 now but will probably be 18 when I pass, I was just wondering on average how much insurance will be because i couldn't get a quote on confused.com and other websites because i haven't actually got a car yet and it was asking for my registration number. I don't think it matters but I do have a CBT license and I drove and aprilia rs50 manual for about a year so I was wondering if that'll help because I have road experience already. Thanks for your time.""
CALIFORNIA DRIVERS-Insurance question?
am about to test for my license tomorrow, and on the list of requirements, it says I need proof of insurance. That just means for the car I am using right? It's not like you can insure a person...My friend keeps telling me I need driver's insurance but that does not exist, am i right? I guess the question is: What needs to be insured?""
Whats the website for high school sports insurance?
They use to give the application on paper but now it's online, I forgot the website, what is the website for it?""
Can anyone tell me Obama's discount rate for Health Insurance?
He states healthcare will be affordable for everyone? What %age discount will we get? How much will insurance be (per month) for those battling chronic diseases that cost in the tens of thousand of $ each month? Do you think those people denied, due to preexisting health conditions, will be able to afford insurance now?""
How much would insurance cost for a 2007 Mustang GT?
I know I can't get a definite number, but I'd like to know just if it'd be a lot or a little. It's a 2007 Mustang GT 5 speed 6 cylinder.""
""What is a reasonable auto insurance liability amount, i don't believe the current legal limits are enough?
Florida State Required auto insurance limits are not nearly enough insurance to carry especially if you live in a larger city in florida. What is a good acceptable liability limit to carry on my vehicles?
Can you personally propose a govt. health insurance program that would satisfy the majority?
Can you personally propose a govt. health insurance program that would satisfy the majority?
How long can you go without health insurance before things become preexisting ?
I currently have health insurance through my father's company plan, but after my 19th birthday my insurance drops because I won't be a full time student until spring this year. Meanwhile I need coverage through some plan so nothing will be preexisting. However I can't apply for the cheap insurance that I was hoping for until my old coverage ends, and I'm worried about the bureaucratic time lapse between coverage policies. Are there any problems I'm going to run into with this?""
What is a good car insurance for a DUI offender ?
My 1st time offense and hopefully the last, anyone no of a good car insurance that is reasonable in prices. I've been driving for 10 yrs and no tickets did have a clean record until this happened now I feel like a felon california DUI laws are too harsh bastards thats how they make money!!""
Cheapest Car Insurance?
Hello everyone, so I had a talk with my father today and he told me as soon as he's done paying off my car, he's putting it under my name and I will have to pay the insurance. When I first received my driving license I did receive two citations for speeding. I don't know if that will play a roll ? Since I was 15 at the time. Anyway we currently have progressive which to me seems like they are too expensive for a college student I was wondering what insurance many of you have had luck with and still at an okay budget. I'm 18 years old, so I'm sure it will be expensive. My car is a 2008 Pontiac g6 4 door sedan I've had two citations. And that's about it ...can someone give me kind of a price range estimate for different car insurance companies in Florida ? If that makes a difference? And about how much I should expect to pay a month or for a six month policy? I know right now my dad paid almost 1200 for a six month policy on my car, but thats on his insurance and for being a diamond member. Thankyou all in advance.""
""I totaled my car, do i need gap insurance for them to pay off the vehicle?
i have totaled my car and i have full coverage. will my insurance company pay off my vehicle?
How much would my insurance go up if im 17 and was at fault for a car accident worth more then 750 dollars?
my family plan was about 3k every 6 months. The other car had about 3.4k worth of damage also. Also if i turn 18 will my insurance still become cheaper?
How will it affect my insurance?
My daughter Ashlynn has just turned 16, and shes begging me to allow her to get her a learners permit. I'm all for it, but i want to know how it will affect my insurance. I heard that a teen with a learners permit doesn't have any affect and in some cases you don't even have to notify the insurance company. If it helps, i have Esurance. Also i live in southern California. If anyone has any information it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks -Lauren.""
Best value Florida auto insurance?
I just moved from Illinois to Florida and am looking for auto insurance because my own company is upping my price from $125 to $275 a month with the same coverage (100/300K BI, 50K property, 100K UM, and roadside assistance) with the move. Upon obtaining quotes, the best I've gotten is with Esurance which is just over $200 a month. It seems that adding BI to any auto policy ups the price pretty heavily. Are there any mid-level or local insurance companies in Florida that generally offer better premiums than the heavy hitters I've been quoting with? I'm in Port Richey.""
Modified Car Insurance ??
hiya i have just bought a modified fiat punto - the only modifications it has on it is a body kit - do you no of and cheap car insurance companys in the uk that will insure me thanxs xx
How much will my car insurance go up?
I already pay $270 a month for car insurance for my truck. If I were to buy a 1992 Jeep Wrangler, how much more will it go up?""
Will I need SR 22 insurance?
Almost five years ago I got my license suspended in Ohio for a wreckless endangerment. As soon as it got suspended I did the classes I was required to take and paid my court fees. It took me a few years to pay all of my fines and the only thing keeping my license from being re-instated was the need for SR22 insurance. I never got the insurance. I'm now in California and looking to get my license back and I heard somewhere that three years after the suspension the need for the SR 22 bond drops, but I'm not sure if that's true or not? Does anyone know the laws for this situation in Ohio and will I still need to get the insurance in order to get my license unsuspended?""
What is the cheaptest car insurance company in Maryland.?
I am living in college park md, i am a college student who recently got my driver license, which car insurance company is the cheapest in Maryland.""
What company offers a good affordable rate for car insurance in the state of Maryland?
I'm just moving out of Virginia into Maryland and I am very overwhelmed by the high premiums that I will have to pay oppose to the lower premiums that I was paying for 2 cars in Virginia. Does anyone know a good cheap car insurance company? Thanks!
Where can i get good health insurance?
i just got kicked off healthfirst with no warning so i need to find something fast please help :-)
Moped/ motorcycle insurance in washington?
how much is insurance for it? i already have a car and car insurance. my car doesnt get great mileage. about 15-17 on the highway.12-15 city. i use to not travel a distance too much but i moved farther away from my college so i gas up once a week or every week and a half depending on if im just going to school or if im also going out. I want a scooter or motorcyle just because there fun and better on gas. im not reckless. ill be safe and drive them to minimize the risk as much as possible. MY STATE DOES NOT REQUIRE MOPED OR MOTORCYLCE INSURANCE BY LAW. Im just curious to be safe. and for me, my faith in god keeps me safe.""
Pimped car insurance?
I've always wondered how people get car insurance after their car has been pimped. I mean the cars are changed so dramatically and all these gadgets added - how on earth do you explain it to an insurance company?!!
I am 18 years old and i want to buy a used car but the insurance is too much for my budget?
it would cost me around $7000 for 6 months of coverage can someone please give me some advise on this matter?
Can i get a rough estimate on car insurance if i dont have a car yet?
I passed my test on friday and i will be buying a car this week .. i wanted to look into car insurance so i have a rough idea on how much it will cost, but they are all asking for car details .. can i get a rough idea before i have a car if so where? thanx""
affordable insurance agency marinette wi
affordable insurance agency marinette wi
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