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dog-teeth · 3 years

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is there anything you wish you had known before starting T? are there any effects that you dislike? sorry if this is too personal, i'm just trying to make sure i'm making a good decision. i'm agender but i want to present more masc but i'm scared that i'll end up hating the effects of T even though there are some things that i really really want from it. also, i love your art!

no worries im honestly fine with talking about almost all transition/gender related stuff! im gonna talk (p non-explicitly) about sex and body stuff so i’ll put this under the cut

there aren’t any effects i dislike. when i started there were things that i was very nervous for because i thought i would hate them but ended up loving them. i prefer almost everything i experience on hrt, or i don’t care about it, so for example i LOVE my voice now & i love the way T makes me feel emotionally (both physiologically and psychologically), but i don’t care about having facial hair because i always shave it but it’s not that much of a hassle and sometimes stubble is cute. i don’t care for the body hair either bc i was already basically as hairy as a cis man pre-T, i even liked my old leg hair better because the texture was less coarse. the only thing i like better not on T is sexual sensations, but honestly i dont have sex so it doesn’t matter lol. i was v scared for bottom growth and was certain i would hate it but it actually rules i love it (i don’t love that i need like three times as much lube now tho cuz ur ability to naturally lubricate goes way down) also this was one of the most uncomfortable changes at first cuz it makes the clit very tender and sensitive and it will rub against your underwear and be really uncomfy with friction, so make sure u have soft underwear and loose pants. sorry for talking about my genitalia but tbh there is nowhere near enough information about trans bodies and its one of the least discussed aspects of hrt.

however, i was not always this content with taking T! it was a rocky start! there’s nothing that bothers me now, but when i was first starting, a lot bothered me. i was SO sweaty for NO reason, my voice HONKED like a third of the time i opened my mouth, i was VERY ANGRY very quickly, and i was so so hungry!!! snacking forever!! all of these things mellowed out over the first few months, i’m back to not sweating very much and being able to speak like a human person and my anger is actually significantly more manageable than it was pre-T because it comes and goes easily which means i no longer fester deep frustration and anger all the time. i think my appetite leveled out but it’s still higher than before, i gained a couple pounds but it wasn’t a lot.

i don’t want to pressure or sway anyones decision to take hrt, but i would say that your body and mind are so very capable of adapting to new things & even if you end up not liking some parts of hrt you will be able to deal with them and move on, and most of the things that are nerve-wracking end up being fine. its super super scary to try taking hrt since so much is permanent changes to your body. but you can always take a low dose to make the changes happen slower, and like i said you get used to things way easier than you think you will.

i was really really really scared and uncertain when i started T, but i’m so glad i made the jump to do it! i could never have imagined how much it would improve my life! there were so many things i was terrified of - doing irreparable “damage” to my body, regretting it, being read as male, certain specific physical effects, etc. i also didn’t know anybody irl who took T, just my beautiful lovely trans woman friend who started E years ago while we were friends, so seeing her go through the process inspired me a lot. we r both so sexy now like we were sexy before but honestly hrt has made us unstoppable & i love it for us. i definitely couldn’t have done it without her support. i’m getting off track, my point was that i didn’t know anybody on T so i couldn’t see firsthand what it was like, i was basically my own experiment, and it was so scary. but eventually i reached the mindset of “i’m so fucking miserable and something needs to change and i’m not 100% certain it’s this but i need to try because i can’t spend the rest of my life wondering about it and if i do end up hating it i’ll just fucking deal with it from there” i would def recommend being more certain than i was but i do think theres a lot about hrt you just wont know how youll react to until it happens. above all my fears, i just wanted it, and all my fears were very surface-level (what if i hate my body [i already hate my body] what if i hate how people percieve me [i already hate how people percieve me] what if it makes me miserable [i’m already miserable] what if i regret taking it [what if i regret not taking it or i miss out on an opportunity to be happy] )

i cant tell you if T is the right choice for you, but i can tell you that i also had fears and uncertainties before starting, and that if you do end up hating it you’ll be able to adapt.

#ez answers #hrt #t #testosterone #gender stuff #Anonymous

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myleftpinkytoe · 3 years

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Frequent, severe headrushes are super weird, bc from the outside it LOOKS super freaky. It's always a fun time (sarcasm) when the uninitiated see a particularly bad one, bc from their perspective it goes like this (steps usually overlap slightly):

1. Me, blinking: "oh, um. Don't freak out"

2. Eyes go unfocused. I stop responding to things said to me

3. I reach for something sturdy, generally miss, then pitch alarmingly to the side as I claw ineffectually at whatever I reached for while falling to the ground

4. On my way down, I begin to shake and twitch uncontrollably

5. I get to the floor, where I sit for a few seconds, still twitching & shaking, then blink a few times. Optional: I begin to gasp for breath.

Which, from the outside, looks fucking insane! Several people have said "you just had a seizure!" (they're not seizures! I'm completely aware the whole time!).

On the inside, it feels like this:

1. Dizziness & tunnel vision. I now have 0-2 seconds to sit down or grab something before I lose the ability to do that in a controlled manner

2. Vision goes. If it's a bad one, hearing is also gone. I can still talk though, so I might say something like "im ok! This is normal! I'll be fine in a minute!" (if it's not REALLY bad, that is)

3. Balance goes. This has a big range of results, ranging from needing to lean against a wall/object/person, to suddenly sitting on the floor, to (my favourite :/) not being fast enough to react before my vision goes and looking like I'm clawing at the object bc I can't see it and I'm no longer 100% sure where it is in relation to my body any more and my fingers are shaking and I can't get a fucking GRIP ON IT. This can also lead to a slow slide to the ground, so like: unfocused eyes, clawing at the wall as I slowly collapse downwards. Best result is getting a firm grip on something then locking my knees and elbows so I don't brain myself during the next step

4. Muscle spasms! Usually happens as I'm falling! My limbs start twitching uncontrollably, which can make my slow, clawing descent look even more alarming! If I'm grabbing something, it also looks alarming!!! If I'm sitting on the floor, is ALSO looks alarming!!!!!

5. Like 5 seconds of waiting for it to pass, shaking uncontrollably, holding onto whatever I can for dear life, unable to see or hear anything, sometimes repeating "I'm OK! Just wait, I'm OK!" if I remember to breathe!

6. (Optional) vision clears and I begin gasping for breath bc sometimes I hold onto whatever I grab so tightly that I forget to breathe! You know when you brace against something and you hold your breath automatically? Yeah, hard to remember to breathe when everything is a spinny, purple-black-green mass of wooOOOAAAAAHHH FUCK

7. Things clear up. I stand up straight and apologize. Someone tells me to drink more water. I laugh awkwardly.

I've hurt myself like 2 times but I've fallen >100 so the track record isn't terrible! It almost always happens within 30s of standing up (although one time it was like 2 minutes later which was inconvenient bc I'd made it to a busy hallway :/), and it's worse if I'm tired, stressed, hungry, or dehydrated, but it also happens when I'm none of those things. It's worse if I've been sitting for a long time, but it can also happen after sitting for 2 minutes.

It's happened a few times when I'm still sitting and I yawn. One time, it happened when I was sitting with someone, and I was like "oh one second", and I folded forward and put my head on my knees to just shake it out, and the person I was with panicked and tried to grab me, and accidentally Kneed Me In The Head! That was a weird time bc like they KNEW I did this all the time so 🤷. School was a good time (sarcasm), bc 5 minutes between classes to get across the building meant I didn't have the luxury of standing up slowly and I fell over like 4 times a day while teachers were like "👀 u ok?"

Sometimes the head rushes are so mild I can mostly ignore them. If I'm walking down an empty hallway and my vision is like "goodbye" but my balance is mostly fine, I'll sometimes just keep walking, maybe list to the side slightly. I prooobably shouldn't do that, but if you're in a busy hallway with a lot of people and you suddenly stop, people will sometimes shove you! Which is annoying! Plus, ive only walked into someone/something while doing this like 3 times in my entire life so again not a terrible track record. It's alwaya fun to walk into someone who came around a corner, blindly grab them bc FUCK, then be like "oh sorry I couldn't see haha".

I've gotten tests done, I've gotten my heart checked, blood drawn, the whole shebang, and apparently I'm fine and just have, like, unusually low blood pressure? Although I haven't actually done that table tilt test, so who knows! It mostly doesn't interfere with my life too much (those 2 injuries happened when I was admittedly way more dehydrated than I should have let myself get), except for Freaking People Out. Honestly people insisting I go to the ER is way more inconvenient than like 90% of the episodes.

I dont really have a reason for posting this, except to maybe ask that people freak out less when it happens? Even if it WAS a seizure, you really should not grab people during an episode, and I've been hurt by people trying to help me more than anything else (those 2 times aren't including other people hurting me while trying help). If we have a close relationship, I might grab onto YOU to hold myself up, and you can definitely hold me back when I do that, but otherwise if I'm falling and shaking, then I can't really control the direction I go in and a SURPRISING number of people end up kneeing me while moving to try to catch me! Also, holding my head directly on a hard, flat surface is WAY more likely to hurt me than letting me hover/ put my own head on my arms so maybe don't force my head down! I don't know why people do that! It hurts!!! If anything, you could put your hand between my head and the hard surface, so I have a soft bumper to hit (tho I almost definitely don't need it tbh), but honestly getting into that position is more likely to smack me in the face so maaaybe just don't.

Oof. You know, I'm always treating this like no big deal, but laid out in a post like this, it DOES seem like a lot? Maybe once the pandemic calms down here I should go get another opinion 🤔

#health #head rush #POTS #i mean im not diagnosed with POTS #but POTS people and me have shit in common #low blood pressure #fainting #someone commiserate with me im tired of people just telling me to drink more water and patting themselves on the back for curing me

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avengerscompound · 3 years

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The Pepper/Tony strawberry thing makes me so sad, because i recognize a lot of ADD traits I also have within him like

Yes she's allergic to strawberries, so much it's her ONLY allergy and by getting her a whole tray of them, it seems on the surface that he just doesn't care about her.

But to me that scene is a lot more about someone who suffers with SEVERELY disorganised thoughts and memories knowing SOMETHING very important about Pepper and strawberries, he can't remember what it is but the two things are very firmly related in his head so he thinks "it must be her favourite food, I'm going to try and apologise by showing up with LOTS of her favourite food!"

only up be reminded that the reason his brain was so insistent on pepper and strawberry with multiple explaination marks, was because they're the only thing that could kill her allergy wise

Oh, I totally agree. Like I can 100% see things from both points of view, and I shall preface this by saying, I love Pepperony. I love that they ended up on the same page, but for soooooo long we just keep seeing them not being on the same page and it really breaks my heart, because they do really love each other, but they just keep completely missing being in the same place mentally at the same time. And that is a rough spot to be in.

And there is so much going on in that scene too. He’s literally dying. He’s come to tell her that. He’s not thinking straight. She’s already brushed him off when he tried to tell her. And then he goes ‘okay strawberries are important and there’s a guy selling some, so maybe these will make her happy and he just missed the mark so much.

But from Pepper’s point of view, she has no idea of any of that. She’s been thrust into this stressful job, her boyfriend is acting erratically but hasn’t verbalized why and he’s shown up once again while she’s under pressure with the only food she’s allergic to. I’d also be kinda pissed about that too, tbh.

It’s good they got there in the end though. It’s bad they then took that away just when they did.

#tony stark #pepper potts #meta #anon #answered

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moiraineswife · 7 years

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Autistic Philippa Eilhart Headcanons

As promised, the Phil Thoughts. Geralt and Regis to follow (I’ll link them here when they’re done!!) This isn’t really in any order...And isn’t very coherent...But I don’t much care.

Philippa Eilhart is pretty fascinating, complex, and rich as a character even before you add this spice on top. I could write screeds and screeds of meta about her sexuality, and her morality, and the place/role she plays in the narrative but...I will focus myself on this.

We need more unapologetic ladies in fiction; and we need even more unapologetic autistic ladies in fiction. I think, way too often, autistic ladies get overlooked, because they get good at hiding their traits/covering them up because it’s expected for them to be nice, and quiet, and polite, and good at all things social. And I’m so beyond here for lady autistic characters being ‘fuck that’ and being exactly themselves, and really, there’s no female character I can easily think of capable of doing that better than Philippa Eilhart.

Especially when Philippa is already utterly unapologetic and unashamed of the way she is, and especially since a lot of that really lines up with autism. It doesn’t really take much of a stretch with this. Wait, I’ll make a list, I like lists, and it breaks this up a little, but okay let’s see:

-She’s...Not the best with Social Skills. She’s definitely intelligent, definitely capable of scheming, and plotting, and manipulating people for the sake of her own ends but she’s also...Quite blunt. Quite to the point. I’m also fairly sure I remember (though maybe I don’t) the way that she watches people, studies them, that and the fact she’s had 300 years to perfect her observings of people helps her make up a little, and learn their body language....But she’s not perfect. And she’s just...never quiet been able to perfect the expected social niceties (and, frankly, at the age she is, she’s probably too fucking tired to bother with them tbh. She doesn’t see the point in them, she never gets them right, why bother?)

And there’s actually...Sometimes not a lot of subtlety with her? At least, not in her interactions with other people. She is, if memory serves, rather lacking in delicacy. She says what she thinks, she doesn’t mince her words, she simply...Is?

Philippa is so honest about her dishonesty that she almost comes full circle and becomes honest again.

‘"Decent and honorable?" "You must be joking." ‘

Which I’m associating here with autism both as a social skills thing, and a black and white thinking thing. It’s this...Delightful little contradiction within her? Because she is duplicitous, and she lies, and she manipulates...But she’s so...Upfront about it? And utterly apologetic about it, too. This is just...The way Phil’s world works. This is just who and what she is. No point trying to pretend otherwise, what’s the point in that?

-Again with the black and white thinking is her commitment and determination. Philippa is utterly relentless, and single-minded in her pursuit of her goals. Not only in terms of ruthlessness, and the willingness to do whatever she deems necessary, but just her dedication to her goal is pretty admirable. I’m pretty sure the world could end, and leave her the sole survivor, and she’d just keep battling on in her defence of magic, it’s interesting.

-And speaking of interesting, magic can definitely be a special interest for Phil. Her dedication to it, the depth of her knowledge, how skilled she is (the fact that she’s one of few to have mastered polymorphy, for example) are all indicative of an obsessive interest.

-I think Phil gets characterised as a character without morals quite a lot. Which I understand, I do. But I also think that she...very strictly follows Rules. They’re just....her rules. Her own personal, internal rules. The rest of the world can go fuck itself, but certain things have to work a certain way. She struggle to see the merit in/accept worldviews that don’t line up with hers. I also think that she has very strict morals within herself. I think she has things that she believes are right, and things that she believes are wrong, and I think that’s something that she will never compromise. It’s that adherence to rules, as well as rigid thinking, which is quite interesting.

-Phil’s intensity is pretty indicative of autism as well, I think. Philippa, I think, is a character that feels things very deeply. She has, as I’ve said, very strong feelings concerning magic, and her idea of how the world should work. But on an emotional level, too. More than one of the characters, and Phil herself, I believe, have commented on her restlessness, her desires, the intensity of her feelings, and the things it can drive her to do. And also, that...Itch that she gets, the desire to get out and Do something, just reminds me of overstimulation tbh. So there’s that.

-But on the surface, she comes off as cold, and indifferent. And I can make a case for her being low-empathy as a part of this based on the way she reacts to other people (which is nuanced, and complex, and is something I could write an entire other piece of meta on itself, but...we’ll not go there rn) But I think that Phil...Doesn’t show that care for other people, and she doesn’t really let her emotions show all that much, either. She comes off as this ice queen, but beneath the surface we know that it’s a different story (which is a really interesting little contradiction to consider, even outside oft his headcanon), but, yeah.

-And on the subject of emotions and cold indifference, I think her decision making process is interesting too. Because it almost always revolves around logic. Whatever her emotions dictate, she typically makes judgements based on practical reasons, rather than emotional ones. Her emotions are strong, and are intense, but when it comes down to it, she’s ruled by her head. Almost too much.

I think a good example of this is the conversation she has with Yennefer about redeeming her in Geralt’s eyes. Yennefer’s plea is one that comes purely from a place of sentiment, and emotion. Philippa’s answer is one that comes purely from logic, and a careful, thought-through examination of the practical consequences of her action.

Philippa comes across as cold, and cruel in that moment, because Yennefer is so desperate, and her request seems so easy to grant, but that is 100% not Phil’s motivation there. She is not doing this to be cruel, she’s not doing this to hurt Yen, or Geralt, or anyone. She’s doing this because it doesn’t make sense.

(And it would also have been easy here to lie to Yennefer, especially with Triss watching, and promise her that she’d do what she’s asking, to make sure they part on good terms, that’s the calculating, manipulative thing to do here. But Phil doesn’t do it. It’s again that strange, unapologetic honesty that she has, and I think it’s interesting too, because it would have been easy to lie, would have been ‘smarter’ to lie, might even have suited her purposes better to just lie, and tell Yennefer what she wants to hear. But she doesn’t. And that’s...really fucking interesting, from my pov anyway)

But yes, Phil’s entire decision making process there is based on logic. She is practical. She is pragmatic, above all.

-Her planning, too. There’s always something ticking away in the back of her mind. She’s always thinking about things, always picking at the details, always tugging at threads, always plotting, and planning every little thing. Which I can quite easily see being a habit. I think she probably orchestrates her breakfast in the same way she’d orchestrate an assassination. It’s just the way that her mind works.

-Okay, lighter/less canon related/’ur just making things up u like now, lauren, aren’t u?’ ‘yep’

-Phil hating flying when it’s raining because the feeling of her wet feathers is Sensory Hell.

-but equally, Phil loving flying more than just about anything else, especially when she’s stressed, because it’s such a nice, calming stim.

-Phil chilling in owl form quite a lot when she gets overstimulated because it’s so much easier to deal with (esp if she’s non-verbal, bc no-one demands that an owl start talking to them, and that is a blessing)

-Phil having a deep guilty pleasure of having her feathers stroked because it is The Best (all who know this are sworn to secrecy about it)

-Phil being hypersensitive to touch, and exceedingly picky about who she allows touch her, when, and where. People 100% respecting Phil’s boundaries on this bc they’re not Dicks.

-Phil being hypersensitive to certain sounds as well, and getting extremely short-tempered, irritable, and snappish when overstimulated. Anyone who spends any amount of time around her starts recognising this, and doing their best to minimise the noises that are bothering her so much.

-Phil definitely likes deep pressure, and is just kind of like ‘lay on me’ @ all of her partners at any given moment. Especially when she’s stressed (which is...almost always tbh, even if she doesn’t show it)

-okay this one is my fav, Indulge Me: most of the sorceresses were sent to Aretuza, if I remember, bc they had some kind of physical deformity which the sorceresses ‘corrected’ when they took them in (I am not going to discuss the wisdom of this, bc it’s not really my place, but lays the groundwork for this, so I’ll mention it briefly)

We don’t really know what Phil was sent off for but I kind of like the idea of it being bc of her autism. HEAR ME OUT.

So her family take her to Aretuza and are just....She’s weird, okay, there’s something wrong with her, have her if you want, fix her if you can, kind of thing. And smol!Phil is not oblivious to this. Smol!Phil knows she is different. Smol!Phil knows she is ‘weird’ to use her mother’s favourite phrase. Smol!Phil understands she’s being sent to this place so she can be made normal and ‘fixed’.

Smol!Phil trains at the academy with the others, and never feels any different. No-one ever uses spells, or potions, or anything to try and fix her. One day, she decides to talk to Rita about it. She pulls her aside, and asks her in that way of hers (I can see Phil being such a serious child. So intense and intense, like she’s got the wisdom she has at 300 at the age of 11) and just straight up asks Rita why she doesn’t feel any different. Her family sent her here so they could fix her, make her normal, stop her being the way she is, but she doesn’t feel any different at all. Why isn’t it working?

Rita gets very indignant, and angry, that smol!Phil has been led to think these things, and very firmly informs her that they cannot fix her. There is nothing to fix, there is nothing wrong with her. This is just who she is.

And that’s the end of that.

Autistic Philippa Eilhart.

#the witcher #the witcher headcanons #philippa eilhart #margarita laux-antille #listen....rita getting all >:( at smol!phil being made to think she needs to be/can be fixed is my lifeblood #philippa headcanon #autistic headcanon #autistic philippa #listen this is v Dear to me it really is #i love autistic!geralt and autistic!regis too #but i think i love phil the most (possibly bc i relate to her the most but SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)#this makes so much goddamn sense though. and it would be SUCH a nuanced complex bit of rep too i just #I NEED THIS #LET ME HAVE IT #/LET ME HAVE IT/#not that anyone's going to read this to NOT let me have it but still #i would like to; once again; issue a formal apology to the philippa eilhart fandom #for my ceaseless drivel #(but also this is Golden and i'm not really that sorry)

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toomanyfeelings5 · 7 years

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fanfic ask!!

thank you so much for tagging me, @accioinvisibilitycloak! whoever sees this and wants to do it, feel free!

and these are the fics that i’m gonna be talking about, if anyone’s interested: Seekers of Love, Under Pressure (All Devils Here Now), Strangely Are Our Souls Constructed, and a burning bruise.

Total Number of Stories Completed: ok i’m too lazy to go through my non-ao3 fics so this is all gonna be through my tiny ao3 account, which has 3 completed fics, 1 WIP.

Total Word Count: 100153

Fandoms Written In: Harry Potter, Wolf 359, Stranger Things, and Shakespeare (Merchant of Venice and The Taming of the Shrew)

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected? WAY MORE THAN I EXPECTED. i’ve actually FINISHED fics and POSTED THEM so this is all pretty new and challenging and awesome.

What’s Your Own Favorite Story of the Year? Oh gosh, this is difficult. if i HAD to pick.....for right now, it’d be Strangely Are Our Souls Constructed. i finished it on my birthday, which i had promised myself i would do, and i felt really happy about it and got really awesome feedback all throughout the day? it was a great birthday gift for myself tbh.

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year? Yes! for one thing, i’ve POSTED MY WRITING TO THE INTERNET, which i’ve never done until recently. and i’ve never stuck with any piece of writing like i have with Seekers of Love, a fic that’s for a goddamn rarepair. this fic has made me pay so much more attention to canon than i ordinarily would for fic-writing, and the amount of research i’ve put into this fic isn’t so much of a “risk” as it’s been a good challenge. shoutout to everyone and anyone who answered my questions about how race and ethnicity and religion and history and other magical systems and societies would interact with the wizarding world and beyond. my fic would be shitty as hell if not for your time and patience and ideas. if you’d like me to credit you here, let me know and i will do so gladly.

and!!! just in general, writing things that i’d like to read. which doesn’t sound like much of a risk, but when my interests tend to be pretty outside fandom’s main ships and ideas, it’s just been....really freeing to write about characters and/or ships that may be obscure or rare or lack content but that i still love writing.

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year? i’m gonna KEEP WRITING SEEKERS OF LOVE, AND MAYBE EVEN FINISH IT SOMETIME THIS YEAR. i also want to write more (gay) shakespeare stuff because just when i think i’m “”””over it””””” i always get more ideas.

and i have PLANS for wolf 359.

Best Story Of The Year? HMMMMM.....i’m gonna break this down because i can’t decide on anything ever??? in terms of concise character study and pacing, a burning bruise. in terms of relationship-building, Seekers of Love. in terms of lines that made me cackle because of really obvious literary references and things are messy and complicated, Strangely Are Our Souls Constructed. in terms of writing semi-personal experiences into fic and also creating an original character who i routinely forget doesn’t exist in canon, Under Pressure (All Devils Here Now).

Most Popular Story Of The Year? Seekers of Love! which. wow, it’s just. really cool. i’m so grateful.

Story of Mine Most Under-Appreciated by The Universe, IMO: Alright, i 100% get that shakespeare fanfic isn’t going to get all that popular in the first place, and that kate/portia is a rare crossover ship, etc etc etc, but i am pretty proud of a burning bruise, and kind of wish a few more people had read it. alright, complaining done.

Most Fun Story to Write:

hmmmm.......Strangely Are Our Souls Constructed, tbh. which is weird because it’s not, like, happy or has snappy dialogue, i just had so much fun writing about Maxwell and monsters.

Story with The Single Sexiest Moment:

?????? uh......i guess that one part in a burning bruise when they’re gross and sweaty from boxing and they decide that now’s the time to have a moment. “you’re bleeding, you idiot.” yup. totally counts. 100%.

Most Sweet Story: Ok so overall this has to be Seekers of Love, there are so many fluffy bits along with angstier parts, like: “Harry stayed behind to watch the snow fall, and wiped his eyes on his sleeve, full of wonder and warmth and things Voldemort had never dreamed of.” these idiots. i love them all so much.

“Holy Crap, That’s Wrong, Even For You!” Story: LISTEN.....herawell is fucked up and i still ship it a lot, so. Strangely Are Our Souls Constructed, hands down. like: “Maxwell fixes her, she makes the pain go away, and doesn’t even need to try to get her to call Minkowski Lieutenant. She smiles to herself about an impressive start to a delicate operation,” and then there’s, “For one brief moment, Maxwell loses control, and if Hera could, she’d smile back in triumph.” So. Yeahhhhhh.

Story That Shifted My Own Perceptions Of The Characters: Ok I can’t pick just one i’m sorry. i never related to Barb that much until i wrote Under Pressure (All Devils Here Now), mostly because she died so early on in canon, so that was interesting. I HAVE NEVER LOVED OR UNDERSTOOD CHO, CEDRIC, AND MRS. FIGG MORE THAN I HAVE WHEN WRITING SEEKERS OF LOVE. also writing Maxwell made me realize how much she has hiding under the surface of professional friendliness, that she is deeply alone, and that she’s developed a terrible skill for selective compassion, which.....conflicts with her genuinely caring about people in interesting and complex ways.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: i love writing queer characters and queer storylines for sOME REASON, i wonder what it could be..........whistles innocently

also the mental illness stuff in Under Pressure (All Devils Here Now), which....it’s not all 100% autobiographical or anything, but it was....an experience putting some of my own stuff into writing.

Hardest Story To Write: Seekers of Love in terms of how long it’s going to be, but in terms of finished fic and for the amount of difficulty i had writing it, then Under Pressure (All Devils Here Now).

Biggest Disappointment: I’m way behind in updating Seekers of Love due to lack of time/energy, so that’s a bummer right now, but i am absolutely planning on writing more for it soon!! i have ideas!!! and also that i haven’t written the wolf 359 fics i’ve been wanting to write. but i’ll get there. it’s gonna happen.

Biggest Surprise: that people like my fics and my writing! and that Seekers of Love has gotten as much attention as it has. it’s such a rarepair and my first published fic and i thought that only my friend and i were gonna read it. the reception it’s gotten has inspired and humbled me beyond all of my expectations.

thank you to everyone who has read, left kudos on, and/or commented on any of my fics, it means so much to me, and i am incredibly thankful to be in such good company.

#fic #my fic #writing #personal #q slur tw #harry potter #stranger things #wolf 359 #shakespeare

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sogoldcn · 3 years

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golden haze → auri young in music form .

i. carrie underwood ― before he cheats • ii. billie eillish ― bored • iii. jeff buckley ― hallelujah • iv. mariah carey ― all i want for christmas is you • v. halsey ― sorry • vi. the maine ― some days • vii. linkin park ― numb • viii. harry styles ― golden

i. her favorites .

i. carrie underwood ― before he cheats

❝ i dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats. ❞

she absolutely can not relate at all to these lyrics but everytime this song comes on she stops everything she’s doing and bops hard to it. i feel like her life goal is to feel so heartbroken and angry that she’ll feel vindicated by carving her name on her exe’s leather seats.

ii. billie eillish ― bored

❝ i'm not afraid anymore, what makes you sure you're all i need? forget about it. ❞

honestly another song she can’t relate. she just likes billie’s voice tbh.

iii. jeff buckley ― hallelujah

❝ there was a time you let me know what's really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? and i remember when i moved in you and the holy dove she was moving too and every single breath we drew was hallelujah. ❞

this is her father’s favorite song ( the cover, not the original version tbh ). this song was honestly the only gospel song she would listen - until she found out it was about sex also ?

iv. mariah carey ― all i want for christmas is you

❝ oh, i won't ask for much this christmas, i won't even wish for snow. and I'm just gonna keep on waiting, underneath the mistletoe. ❞

basic ? yes. but also her favorite christmas song and she will listen to it whenever and wherever she wants. and yes, that means she’ll listen to it in july.

ii. about her .

v. halsey ― sorry

❝ i've missed your calls for months it seems, don't realise how mean i can be. 'cause i can sometimes treat the people that i love like jewelry, 'cause i can change my mind each day. ❞

this song is 100% auri. she is aware she’s flaky and a bad everything, and she tries not to but she has the attention span of a child. she still loves the people that still try with her though, and even those who are probably not on her life anymore. it’s not that she doesn’t love, it’s that she doens’t know how to show that she does !!

vi. the maine some days

❝ some days feel alone, on your own like a rolling stone, a perfect waste of a perfect day. some days feel like chores, you get more than you bargain for, a heavy plate for one to undertake. ❞

this one is pretty self explanatory, i fear.

vii. linkin park ― numb

❝ i'm tired of being what you want me to be. feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.❞

this is... from her to her. spoiler alert: auri has no idea of who she is, just who’s she’s supposed to be and she can’t reconcile who she is and who she wants to be. it’s a whole mess and i don’t want to spoil too much so... in conclusion: it’s sad girl hours, your honor.

viii. harry styles ― golden

❝ golden as i open my eyes. hold it, focus, hoping, take me back to the light. i know you were way too bright for me, i'm hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky. brown my skin just right. you're so golden. ❞

i had to leave golden to the last spot because it was actually kind of the song that inspired auri. obviously the muse strayed a bit from the starting point, but i feel like the object of the song isn’t one person in particular but all of the people that passed through her life.

the part of the song i selected talks about how she feels every time she meets someone knew. they are a bright spot in her life, and auri almost feels like maybe this time will be different. maybe someone will finally be able to rely on her like she’s able to rely on them. and that’s when she realizes no one will make her change, she has to do it herself and because she wants to. so yeah, it’s a cycle.

#did i copy sab? yes i did #sorry and thank u #𝓿. 𝒶𝓊𝓇𝒾 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓃𝑔 && spotify .#masters.task #the way that this playlist makes NO SENSE #this is so embarrassing #i hope no one sees this 💖

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whalohs · 5 years

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now that fjord’s arc has come to a close: let’s talk about how fjord thinks, acts, and sees the world, and how it may have changed due to his time at sea. this arc was awe-inducing and nerve-wracking and wonderful, i’m personally a little sad we left the pirate life behind. :c

as always, i love any and all respectful discussion!! under the cut, because i write a lot.

the one thing that hasn’t changed since the very, very beginning is that fjord’s primary motivation comes from searching for answers. it started with attempting to go to the soltryce academy ( where he’d learn how to get stronger ), then going to the menagerie coast ( where he’d maybe learn more about his powers ), and now? looking for how all this relates to vandren.

and this isn’t to say that fjord hasn’t been looking for vandren from the beginning - it’s just that for a while, with all the new things in his life, it was never the forefront thing in his mind. but once things in his life started getting tangled together? whoops.

also consistent since the start -- how fjord treats people. he’s very rarely willing to connect; he’s here to make peace. cause as little trouble as possible. it’s absolutely fascinating how he stays on the surface level with someone for as long as humanely possible, unless the other side actively pushes him otherwise.

the best example of this is of course nott; he genuinely cares for nott ( like how he cares for the rest of the mighty nein ), but he’s not going to be the one to push her for answers. he’s just here to bring her along, because he dislikes the idea of anyone getting left behind.

so yeah, travis is fucking with sam when fjord tempts nott with buttons, but -- as many people have said -- that’s really all fjord knows about her. she likes caleb and buttons. so he’s gonna use that.

but he did this with avantika, too; all the questions he asked about her were for his own gain, and he only started divulging information about himself once she started pushing for it.

then there’s his confidence. which is actually this like this ... weird, dual thing? and some of the biggest ways he changed, and the reason i wanted to make this post in the first place. let me see if i can put this into words properly:

he’s still not confident in himself. even in the latest episode he is quick to put his theories down by calling himself a “fucking sailor”. he’s never been a confident man to start, and the fact that he dragged his party through near-hell and back for his own sake doesn’t really... help with that.

fjord is a guilt sponge by nature. he puts a lot of responsibility on his shoulders, and then puts more pressure on himself by trying not to crumble under it. the mighty nein is still the best thing that’s ever happened in his life, and he’s desperate to keep it that way (but more on that later).

but boy, did he get confident with his powers. and not just his magic, too -- look at how well he bullshitted avantika, how he stood up against her in front of the plank king.

the biggest change is his attitude on fighting enemies, tbh. the mighty nein hasn’t suffered a huge loss yet ( with the exception of molly, who fjord wasn’t there for / they ended up killing lorenzo in the end )! fjord is only growing more and more confident that they’ll be able to take down just about anyone.

that said, he did ask beau to keep him in check, and that was huge; he’s learning to avoid relying solely on this brand-new powers! but he absolutely sees his magic as an asset. 100%. he hasn’t really seen a downside to it.

though speaking of being kept in check: his impulse control is -- well, we’ve seen it. i think this goes hand in hand with his confidence. he’s always been impulsive! but his confidence is giving him more reasons to act on it, and this is really obvious by the end of his arc.

i think the happy fun ball was a lesson he’s going to ... try and take to heart. but again, in fjord’s eyes? they haven’t really suffered a huge loss yet. he doesn’t have a huge reason to think they may not succeed.

and then, hands down, the biggest change he went through: how he views the mighty nein. again, they’re the best thing that’s happened to him, and i think the arc is just ... an affirmation and an amplification of those sentiments.

they went through near-hell for him. they were constantly in danger because of him, became pirates against their will, nott has water related trauma but still stuck by anyway. he, like a lot of the mighty nein, hasn’t really... had people like that before.

what i’m trying to say is: if he was cautious before, he’s ride or die, now. he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure everyone else gets closure on their stories. this is huge, considering he doesn’t really make connections. yet here he is.

to be completely honest i’m avoiding thinking about a lot of what happened in the recent eps because so far all i’ve managed to do is just cry incoherently when someone brings it up

#critical role #fjord #the mighty nein #meta meta meta #hello i'm back #it only took 84 years #one day i'll learn to post regularly #tumblr continues to be hard #why does anyone trust me with social media #this feels very rusty #thank you for your patience while i try to remember how to do this

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