my dad totally has a stomach bug and just got a call from his doctor he needs to take antibiotics for a couple days to see if that finally nips it in the bud for him because apparently this has been Ongoing for a bit and i'm being really not normal about this, thanks

Accidentally in Love (Hawks x Civilian Reader) pt. 5

Trigger Warning: long hospital stay and angst if you squint

“Alright, it’s time to try taking a step,” Mayu states as you stand shakily on your prosthetic. 

“Nope, I think I’m good,” you have been struggling to get your legs moving. You can usually twitch the muscle and shuffle about a millimeter forward, but taking a full step has not been successful as of late. 

“I’m here to catch you, you can do this.” Ryo was helping today, he is rather lanky, but he can lift his patients like it’s nothing. 

“Okay...Okay,” you try to focus and take a step, you manage to lift your leg, but you quickly lose your balance and fall forwards. Ryo catches you and keeps you upright, “sorry…”

“Don’t apologize, that was good. You got a leg up!” Mayu assists to get you standing again. 

“Let’s try again, one more time and we’ll call it a day.” 

You sigh in defeat despite the encouragement. “Fine,” you gear up to try again when a knock on the window startles the three of you. 

You look over to find Hawks with a little sign, ‘you can do it!’ His feathers hold the page up while he does a little cheer with his arms. You smile and shake your head, “Mayu, please stop drooling.” Ryo grumbles as Mayu stares at the goofy hero. 

“I’m not drooling!” She covers her mouth just to be sure. “Let’s, uh, do this and then uh...maybe we could go say hi?”

Ryo rolls his eyes, “yes, I’ll cover for you, but you owe me!” 

“Thank you!!” Mayu jumps up and down clapping, you clear your throat to remind them you are still there. “Right! Sorry, go ahead [y/n],” they get back into position and you try again to take a step. You shakily lift your leg, “halfway there…” you clench the parallel bars tightly as you urge the leg forward. 

Hawks is celebrating outside as Mayu and Ryo cheer, “you did it!!” 

“I did?!” You can’t really believe it as you stare down at your legs. You are still shaking and require the parallel bars to support your weight, but you have indeed taken your literal first step towards walking again. You try to take another, but that is less successful as you stumble into Ryo again. “Welp, guess that was a fluke…”

“No, that was a success,” Mayu rolls your chair forward so you can sit down. 

“You did great, I’m sure you’ll be taking multiple steps in no time.” Ryo adds on, ensuring you are sitting properly. 

You hear another tap on the window, Hawks is pointing up towards the roof. “Let’s go say hi,” Mayu is quick to wheel you towards the exit.

“Thank you!” You call back towards Ryo who waves in acknowledgement. 

You reach the roof and get swept up by the winged Hero in a hug, “that was awesome!” Mayu looks a bit worried, as he hovers just above your wheelchair. You are holding onto him for dear life and hoping no one could see the blush blooming on your cheeks. He carefully lowers you back down to your seat. “I was just passing by when I saw you, I’m glad I stuck around.” He is all smiles, “oh? I don’t think we’ve met.” He just now noticed Mayu standing behind you. 

“Hi, uh, yeah I’m Mayu, I’m her bearcyst, THERAPIST I meant therapist.” She holds her hand out to shake his. 

“Nice to meet you,” you can’t help but notice a slight shift in his demeanor as he shakes her hand.

“Could I get a picture with you?” She pulls her cellphone up, he nods in consent and they take a quick selfie. She squeals with glee, “thank you! It was great to meet you! I’ll see you tomorrow [y/n],” she dashes back into the building, leaving you alone with the pro hero. 

“That happened,” you chuckle as he stretches his arms. “Sorry about that.” 

“I’m used to it,” he waves it off, “I can’t stay long, but I’ll be back after work and I’m going to bring something to celebrate.” 

“You don’t have to do that,” you feel flustered from all the excitement and hype. 

“You kidding? That’s a huge step!” His wings emphasize his excitement as they raise up. 

You scratch the back of your head, eyes trained on a random box garden. “Okay, if you want to.” 

He grins and ruffles your hair, “I’ll see you tonight then.” He takes off and you feel your face burn with a blush. 

“Ugh, stop that me!” You rub your face a moment before wheeling your way back towards your room. When you arrive, you find Fumiko waiting for you with some lunch. “Hey! Sorry to keep you waiting.” 

She waves it off and smiles, “I just got here, how was PT?” You tell her about your day as you start eating and she lights up in excitement. “That is so great! Won’t be long and you’ll be able to walk out of here!” 

Your face falls for a moment, you hadn’t thought about what you are going to do after your time here is done. “Yeah...I can’t wait.” 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I’ve been here so long I honestly hadn’t thought about what to do next…” She leans against her hand, thinking as you nibble on a carrot. “I don’t have a job and my landlord has informed me he needs me to start paying rent again, starting next month, or get my stuff out.” The landlord was nice enough to halt your rent payments until you were discharged from the hospital, but he failed to mention he was only doing that for 3 months. 

“You know you could always come stay with me for a bit, my wife won’t mind. Rika and I could go get your stuff too and hold onto it until you are discharged and find a new place.” 

“Thanks, but I wouldn’t want to be a burden…” 

“[Y/n], you are my friend and I love you and if you call yourself a burden again I’m going to hug the stuffing out of you.” She squeezes your shoulder reassuringly as you chuckle. Her watch suddenly beeps, “I gotta get back to work, let me know if you need anything. Okay?” 

“Thanks Fumi,” you hug her before she leaves and relax on your bed to rest up. It took a lot of energy to make that step today and you are ready for a nap. You drift off for a long time, a loud thump against your window startling you awake. “What year is it?!” You look around, your gaze drawn to the figure writhing in pain hovering by the window. You call a nurse in to open up the window and let your friend in. Once he has landed you let the laugh you were holding slip out, “did you run into the window?” 

“Maybe…” he is hiding the embarrassment with his jacket collar. “Not important, I’ve brought coffee and [your favorite dessert].” 

“Oh my God, you remembered?!” He sets the dessert on the table and hands you a fresh can of WAX coffee. 

“How could I forget? You were craving it hard a couple weeks back.” He pops the lid off the dessert and he waits for you to take the first bite. You are so happy, flowers and sparkles float around you as you savor the bite. “Wow, I need to bring you this more often.” He tries a bite, it is a satisfying flavor. “How was the rest of your day?”

“Well, I slept for most of it, but I was reminded I need a game plan for after my stay here.” You sigh, reminding the young man of something. 

“Oh! I forgot to tell you earlier, I showed Best Jeanist that rainbow bird cloth you made and he wanted to know if you would work with denim.” 

“Yeah, I can work with any size thread,” you tilt your head, curious where he was going with this.

“He has his own clothing line and he is always looking for ways to improve. The quality of the cloth you made impressed him.” You perk up as you realize what he is implying. “He wants to interview you when you get discharged, but it sounds like he already wants you on the team.” 

“You serious?!” 

“I’m dead serious.” 

You aren’t sure what to do, your hands flailing a little, “oh my- I could kiss you, thank you so much!!” 

His feathers puff up a little and he has to stop himself from saying something stupid, “no problem, happy to help.” The two of you finish off the dessert and drink your coffee as you talk about his day and just enjoy each other's company. He gets a thought and checks the weather outside. “Hey, want to try flying?” 

“Pardon? I am missing a very key ability to do that.” 

“No, I know, I’ve got you covered on that.” He flutters his wings, “I just wanted to show you something that you can only see tonight.” 

“Uh...sure! I just need to let the nurses know.” You hit the call button, a nurse poking his head in to see what’s wrong. You ask them if you can go out for a bit and he looks a little conflicted until Hawks reassures him you would be completely safe with him. The nurse makes a note that you would be going out for any other nurses that might be checking in on you.

Hawks opens up your window and picks you up bridal style. “Ready?” He waits for you to give him the okay and he takes off into the night. You hug his neck and screw your eyes shut as he soars to the surprise destination. “Alright, we are here.” You open your eyes and find he took you to the top of a tower overlooking a festival. 

“Wow! We are really high up,” you feel a bit shaken as he sets you down on the platform. 

“Best seat in the house for what’s to come.” He sits down next to you, one wing curling around you to block the wind. 

“I’ve never seen the city like this before,” you are already mesmerized by the lights of the city. 

Hawks is mesmerized by something else, he removes one of his gloves and takes your hand in his. His fingers intertwined with yours, his thumb sweeping across the side of your thumb. You feel your heart rate spike up at the contact. Before you can say anything, a loud pop draws your attention to the inky black sky. A firework briefly lights up the darkness and dazzles anyone who sees it. “Wow,” you are breathless as you take in the glorious display. 

“I knew you would like it,” he squeezes your hand gently as you both enjoy the bright and colorful display. You test the waters and lean your head against his shoulder, much to your surprise he leans his head against yours. It’s comforting, the show lasts for around 15 minutes and it’s over all too soon. 

“Thanks for bringing me out here,” you speak softly, scared to ruin the moment. 

“Anytime,” you can hear the smile, “ready to head back?” 

“Not really…” a blast of wind sends a chill down your spine. “Yes…”

He chuckles and moves to pick you up, “hold on tight.” He jumps off the platform and glides languidly back towards the hospital.

“Will you still come see me...even after I leave the hospital?” 

“Of course,” he answers without hesitation, swiftly quelling the fear you didn’t realize you had. You couldn’t deny the feelings that have been growing stronger each time you see him. You didn’t want to say anything and risk ruining what you have, but you were starting to wonder if the feeling might be mutual. 

Snazz's Birthday Bash

TODAY IS @holyfandomsnazz 's birthday today! EVERYONE WISH THEM A HAPPY B-DAY!

@self-insert-nonsense @wickedhellagoodtime ARE HERE TOO!

The heat was getting to everyone. Even though the region was known for its cooler summers compared to the rest of the country, the wave of moist warmth was ruining the entire Roomies' day.

"Swimy," Snazz said, their blonde hair frazzled and covering their weary eyes, "did you pay the goddamn rent for the electric bill?"

"Unfortunately, until I get my ID, I'm still a minor in the eyes of the law," the recently made adult replied, pulling their blue hair away from their sweat covered brow, "so, no, I didn't pay the fucking electrical bill,"

"Well, couldn't you have gotten your ID earlier!?" Snazz shouted.

"I wasn't eighteen until three days ago, genius!" Swimy fired back.

Formerly lounging on the couch, the pair were now locked in a fierce glaring match with both of them looking like they were ready to fight each other.

"You're the adult here, why didn't you pay!?" Swimy yelled.

"Because I haven't been paid yet!"

"Neither have I!"

"Enough!"

A pink-haired figure stepped out into the living room with a tired, yet annoyed, look on their face. In her hand was a paper bag with the name 'SIN' scrawled on the forehead which was dotted with sweat stains. Their floral patterned shirt was just as ruffled as Swimy's hoodie and Snazz's gray shirt. Putting both hands on their hips, the eldest member of the roommates frowned at the duo.

"Do you want us to get another noise complaint?"

"No," Snazz grumbled, leaning back into the couch.

"But Dawn-" Swimy started.

"No buts!" Dawn interrupted, "it's already hard enough to find a four-bedroom apartment in our price range, I don't need you guys making it harder,"

Snazz raised their hand, "Technically my room is a former closet,"

Dawn turned their gaze away, clearly embarrassed, "It still counts,"

"Why can't we just ask your boy toy to help us out?" Swimy questioned.

"Karamatsu is just as much in a financial struggle as us and you know that," Dawn said with an even deeper frown.

"What's the point of a man if you can't even get him to pay your rent?" Snazz muttered.

All three went silent for a few moments before Dawn sighed, "I get my Patreon money at midnight. When is the latest we can pay?"

"The sixteenth," Swimy replied.

"And what day is it today?"

"The fourteenth,"

"Okay, so tomorrow I need to-"

"Oh shit really?" Snazz said, their eyes wide.

Both Swimy and Dawn blinked in confusion. "Is that a problem?" Dawn asked.

"No, no, it's not that," the blonde waved their hand nonchalantly, "I just... Well... It's my birthday tomorrow,"

"What?!" Swimy exclaimed, "I didn't know your birthday was in the same month as mine!"

"I- We're siblings how did you forget!?" Snazz said with their nose scrunched up.

"You know I'm bad with dates!"

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Dawn asked, ignoring Swimy's outburst.

"Hey, I forgot it myself," Snazz raised their hands defensively, "besides... It's not like we celebrated it much anyway,"

The oldest and youngest of the Roomie siblings glanced awkwardly at each other as an uncomfortable silence fell over the group. Several moments passed before Snazz stood up with a grunt. "I got commissions to finish. I'll pay the rent with that next time. Later,"

Dawn reached out to grab hold of their sibling, but they managed to dodge their grasp and entered their room swiftly, closing it with a soft thud. While the apartment was dead still, Dawn and Swimy rushed over to one another and began talking in hushed tones.

"How could you forgot Snazz's birthday!?" the pink-haired singer whispered angrily.

"You forgot it too, don't you try and deny it!" Swimy countered back in an equally low voice.

"Well... Did you get them a present?" Dawn asked anxiously.

"I forgot that Snazz's birthday was even this month, did you really think I'd get them a gift?!"

"Well, I don't have anything either!"

The two sighed, but their emotions were still running high. They had under twenty-four hours to purchase a gift for their sibling with the little amount of money all of them had, all while a desert-like heat filled the region in its unbearable cloud of misery.

"Alright, get your shoes on and try to get Sam out of their room," Dawn ordered, referencing their other sibling.

"What for?" Swimy asked, already reaching for their shoes near the old front door.

"Because we need to go out and get Snazz a gift before it's too late! They already probably think we're a bad sibling so we need to hurry and get something they like!" Dawn explained.

"Alright, alright, keep your voice down!" Swimy hissed, glancing over at Snazz's room.

Dawn nodded and began putting on her shoes while Swimy rushed over to the third oldest Roomie sibling. They grimaced at the yellowing paint on the walls as they swiftly knocked on the door.

"Sam. Sam! I know you're in there and we need you!" the blue-haired teen begged.

"...Go away," a muffled voice stated tiredly.

"Sam, we forgot about Snazz's birthday! All of us need to go find a gift for them!"

"...I'll search online for something. I'll Venmo you some money,"

"Ugh! Why won't you just come out!?"

"...Too hot. Too bright,"

"...That's fair,"

"What did they say?" Dawn asked, all ready to go. Swimy walked over to them with a huff.

"They said they'll look online for something," Swimy complained.

"Let me guess, it's too hot for them?" Dawn guessed.

"Bingo,"

"Well," the eldest sister sighed, "we don't have time to argue. We have a birthday to save!"

"Alright! Let's do it!"

---

"We're not going to be able to do it!"

Dawn looked down at the completely worn-out Swimy, watching as sweat rained down off their body onto the asphalt road as they were uncomfortably hunched over. Their blue hoodie was completely ruined hours earlier and had been tied around their waist in a desperate amount to stay cool, revealing a Mothman T-shirt underneath the read "Eat. Sleep. Lurk.".

"C'mon, one more store," Dawn said with exhaustion seeping into her voice. Her floral pattern blouse and her skirt were completely soaked in sweat and her skin was beet red. Still, determination held strong in her green eyes as she tried to pull her sibling up.

"No! No more stores! We've been into too many stores!" Swimy whined, resisting their sister's efforts.

"We need to find a birthday present!" Dawn argued.

"And I need to find a new therapist but you don't see me spending nearly four hours walking in unbearable heat to find one!" Swimy growled, motioning towards the setting sun, "besides, I think Snazz is starting to think our "double date" excuse is a little suspicious,"

Dawn sighed, "I know... But we need to prove we care about them. Just one gift will be enough,"

Swimy's eyes darted to the side, "I care too... But don't you think that maybe I caused Snazz's forgetfulness? That I'm the one to blame?"

"Pardon?"

"I mean," Swimy looked uncomfortable, "I was the youngest and born literally four days before their birthday. Snazz's birthday has always been overshadowed by me, the "baby" of the family,"

"Swimy-"

"What if... What if I'm the reason Snazz forgot? That I've been a terrible sibling this whole time and I've been blissfully unaware? That I've been able to happily celebrate my birth while they've been forgotten,"

Dawn, nothing tears welling up in their eyes, pulled Swimy close, "Don't talk like that. I doubt Snazz blames you for your birthday or the fact we never celebrated theirs as much as kids. If anything, they should blame Mom and Dad for that. You have nothing to do with this,"

"But... We if they do blame me?"

"Then we have to show Snazz the perfect gift!" Dawn gave her young sibling a tight squeeze, "What do you say? One more store?"

"...Yeah, one more," Swimy looked up concerned, "but how are we going to find one that-"

Suddenly, Swimy's phone went off with a loud buzz. Startled, the pair broke apart while Swimy awkwardly fumbled around with it. There was a single text sent by Sam:

I'm making a pie. I also found something Snazz will most definitely like.

Attached was an address to a nearby store. Sin blinked in surprise after she looked it up.

"It's a weird occult and true crime store. What does this have to do with a birthday present?"

"Who cares!?" Swimy proclaimed with a big grin, "we have a lead! And you said we needed to look in one more store!"

Dawn, still looking unconvinced, simply nodded, "If you say so,"

With that, the pair took off, ignoring the shouts and glares of passerby's. Dawn and Swimy managed to weave their way through tight alleys and crowds with ease with their newfound energy. It wasn't long before the two were situated outside a dark-colored store with black tinted windows. Crystals and occult symbols were carefully hung visibly through the glass. While Swimy appeared eager, Dawn seemed less than sure.

"You okay?" Swimy asked.

"Yeah just... It's creepy," Dawn shivered.

"...I'm married to Death's ferrywoman, Dawn," Swimy lifted their hand, showing off their black and silver wedding ring.

"That's different!"

"It really isn't,"

"Fuck off!" the pink-haired girl shoved Swimy into the store.

Inside was surprisingly bright which went against the darkness of the clothes, books, and crystals. The wood made a hollow thud with every step. Shelves were spaced in rows that carried various occult items. Walls were lined by clothes and posters containing demons or hard-core metal bands to-

"Is that Al Capone?" Dawn pointed at a poster.

"Yeah... And that's Haurkichi Yamaguchi," Swimy motioned to another poster, referencing the creator and former head of the Yamaguchi-gumi yakuza organization.

"Ahem,"

The Roomies siblings turned and, across the store, was a teenaged Japanese cashier. She had a combination of boredom and exasperation as she parted her black hair from her eyes. "Welcome to Crimes and the Concealed, a true crime and occult experience where there is something for everyone," she waved her hands less than amused for a supposed to be dramatic effect.

"Uh... Thanks," Dawn replied, nudging Swimy forward.

"If you buy one poster, the other is 15% off,"

"Thank you! But we're looking for something else!" Dawn hastily shoved Swimy into the back of the store, away from the prying eyes of the cashier, who seemed equally glad not to deal with them.

"That was rude," Swimy glared

"Sorry! This whole shop gives me the creeps," Dawn whined.

"I'm never taking you on a double date to the Underworld," Swimy muttered, blissfully unaware of the sound of the store door opening.

The siblings went looking for something buy, pouring over the many candles and strange objects as the setting sun remained a looming reminder of their limited time. After looking at the fifteenth crystal necklace, Dawn was about to give up when Swimy let out a gasp. Dawn instantly turned and was stunned to see what was hanging in the corner of the store.

Body pillows. Over a dozen body pillows of famous gangsters and criminals from Billy the Kid to Calogero Vizzini to Pablo Escobar, the rather morbid idea of placing known men that went outside the law for their evil deeds in alluring poses made the two shiver. But the one that caught their eye was the lone female in the mix. Long lavender hair matched her dazzling amber eyes. She donned a pirate outfit with a black corset that complimented her figure. Black boots with gold accents that reached to her knees, similar to how her all-knowing smirk reached across her face.

Dawn reached out and touched the pillow, "That's... Snazz's girlfr-"

"MY WAIFU!"

Suddenly, two large men shoved past the Roomie siblings. One had thick-rimmed and lens glasses with a greasy ponytail and sweat and grease-stained shirt that showed a bunch of underage anime girls in tight clothing and the other looked similar but had shorter black hair with glasses that blocked out his eyes and was slightly skinnier than his friend but still wore questionable attire.

"Oh my dear waifu, how I've looked for you for so long!" the ponytail man wailed, almost crying on the pillow.

"Hey! We had our hand on it first!" Swimy said, shoving past their older sister and glaring at the men.

"Eh!? What would two normies want with this?!" the smaller of the two gasped, his green jacket fluttering with the sudden movement showing that he had two anime girls sitting on their knees with one only wearing an open suit and fedora and the other an Italian suit with a cigar in her mouth.

"Did you use normies unironically?" Swimy muttered with disgust.

"You two don't get it clearly!" the larger man snorted, "If you were real fans of Chibi Wakai Gyangu No On'nanoko, you'd understand how rare this pillow this is!"

"Chibi Young Gangster Girls?" Dawn repeated the title, confused.

Both men turned their attention to Dawn. The ponytail man spoke first, "It's an anime where all the famous gangsters are turned into cute little girls! But the modern-day pirate mob boss can't be added because she keeps targeting the animation studio anytime they try!"

"I wonder why?" Swimy rolled their eyes.

"Quiet pipsqueak!" The jacketed man yelled.

"Easy, Kurai," the larger man leaned into Swimy's personal space, "those this one look like Al Capone-chan?"

Kurai blinked then let out a small smile, "She does, Terro! All she has to do is change her hair and-"

"It's 'they' and you stay away from my sibling!" Dawn shouted, pulling Swimy behind them.

"Shut up, pinkie! You have no right to judge since you're cosplaying that Sin idol!" Terro shouted.

"Their boobs are clearly fake! They're such a fake cosplayer she can't even get her most noticeable features!" Kurai pointed out.

Dawn gasped and wrapped her arms around her chest. Swimy leaped forward and practically hissed at the two, "We're taking that pillow and you're going to leave us alone, or else!"

Terro sneered, "Or else what?"

With the snap of their fingers, a bright blue beam of blue particles swirled around Terro's head. He tried to swat them away, but the blue solidified and turned into a dense water bubble around his head that spun like a cyclone. He tried to scream but inhaled a bunch of water instead. Kurai immediately went on the defense and tried the grab hold of Swimy. Dawn, realizing that talking wouldn't be successful here, stepped aside as Swimy leaped backward and willed her hand into a fiery blaze. With a primal scream, she slapped him full force, sending both him and his glasses flying in opposite directions. A bright red handprint was left on his face. A sudden gasp alerted the siblings that the water bubble had burst. Before they could react, Terro was on top of Swimy and trying to hold them down.

"You crazy bitch!" He screamed, trying to land a hit on the smaller person.

Swimy used their free leg to deliver a swift kick to the stomach before headbutting him off them. He groaned in pain and rolled onto his side. Dawn took this opportunity to light her foot ablaze and slam it down right onto his crotch. He howled in pain as his pants and his manhood were burned by the attack.

"Get the Hell out of here before we do worse!" Dawn ordered, readying their fists with Swimy following close behind.

Whimpering, the two took off running, leaving behind Kurai's set of glasses and several clothes that had fallen during the scuffle. Tired, Swimy grabbed hold of the body pillow and trudged towards the register. The cashier trembled as they set it down.

"W-Will that be all?" she stuttered.

"Yeah," Swimy replied bluntly.

The cashier nodded and quickly rung up the pillow. She practically shoved the item into Swimy's arms and nearly dove under the counter. Dawn rested a weary hand on Swimy and sighed.

"C'mon, let's get out of here before the cops arrive. We have a birthday to save,"

---

All Snazz wanted to do was sleep. Not only had they remembered that their birthday was a thing but they had spent the whole night trying to finish commissions in an attempt to forget it again. Even though their body was worn out, their mind was rushing with memories of all the birthdays that were forgotten of the years.

It's like they never cared Snazz thought.

They rolled onto their side for the hundredth time that night, trying to force sleep to come. What they didn't expect was their door to suddenly slam open and a large weight crashing onto their side.

"Oof! What the fuck-!"

"Wake up, sleepyhead! Time to have the best day you've ever had!"

"...Swimy?" Snazz looked up, seeing the smiling face of their youngest sibling looking down on them. They had thick eyebags that hung from under their eyes that balanced out their high amounts of enthusiasm radiating off them.

"Do you know another blue-haired bitch that's related to you? Now come on before I drag you out!" Swimy exclaimed, pulling on Snazz's shirt sleeve.

"I'm still I'm my pajamas and I haven't even showered!" Snazz argued, trying to resist their pulling.

"You also haven't cleaned your room in two weeks but you aren't worried about that!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck yourself!"

With the help of both their powers and natural strength, Swimy managed to help drag Snazz out of their bed and made them cover their eyes.

"This is stupid," Snazz grumbled.

"You're stupid but I love you anyway. To the kitchen!" Swimy shoved Snazz forward.

After several near attempts of Snazz crashing into a wall and one toe snubbing, they made it to the kitchen with Snazz less than amused.

"This better be good,"

"It is! Now... Open!"

Snazz did so and gasped. Not only was their favorite pie, chocolate coconut perfectly sat on their rickety table, but a large wrapped present was sitting beside it. Snazz and Sam, wearing their infamous multi-colored gradient mask, stood there with birthday poppers and wide grins.

"SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SNAZZ!" all three siblings shouted, pulling the poppers and sending cheap confetti everywhere. Instead of being excited, Snazz stood there motionless with a blank expression. After a brief pause, Sam leaned over and whispered into Swimy's ear.

"What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" Swimy whispered back.

"Swimy," Sin said sternly.

"I didn't! Honest!"

Sam crossed their arms, "Well why are they-"

Wails exploded from Snazz as fat tears ran down their face. Immediately, all of their siblings rushed over and began to comfort them.

"Is it the pie? Is the pie not good enough?" Swimy asked nervously.

"I made that fucker by hand! It's perfect!" Sam yelled.

"Well if I have to be blamed for something so do you!" Swimy yelled back.

"Was it the poppers? God, I knew they were a bad idea!" Dawn nearly pulled their hair due to stress.

"You wanna go?" Sam snarled.

"Yeah, let's go!" their blue-haired sibling smirked, readying their fists.

Snazz grabbed all three of them and pulled them into a tight hug pile on the floor. Still crying, they managed to choke out a few words.

"I-I'm so happy! Y-You did a-all of this fo-for me!"

"Of course we did! We love you Snazz!" Dawn said, flinching as Snazz began to cry harder.

"C'mon, open the gift!" Swimy said, pulling the present down to the group.

Snazz didn't hesitant into tearing it open. They gasped in shock when they saw what it was.

"Is this my girlfriend? On a... Body pillow?"

"Don't ask how we got her," Dawn butted in.

"I-"

"Don't. Ask."

"I- Alright. Thank you. It's a lovely gift," Snazz said, setting it aside.

"Let's eat the damn pie already. I spent all night working on it so let's put it to good use," Sam said, standing up.

"I'll get the plates!" Sin called over her shoulder.

"Lemme get the forks and knives!" Swimy started to rush over to the drawers.

While the three started to gather everything for their meal, Snazz watched them fondly. They grabbed ahold of their new gift and squeezed it tightly.

Whatever being rules this hell of a universe... Thank you for my siblings... And thank you for this birthday.

Survey #306

i’m v talkative today so pardon my jabbering below.

What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? I think I've had one of those lollipops with a bug in it before as a kid? I don't remember. What would be your most ideal profession? A freelance photographer. But I'm honestly starting to lose hope. Have you tried those coloring books for adults? Yeah; it's funny you mention 'em, 'cuz a family friend got me one for my birthday earlier this month. What is a topic you definitely don't want to talk about with anyone? I don't like talking about my sexual history, doesn't matter who you are. It's just uncomfortable. What was your first gaming console? An Atari. Is there something you're eagerly waiting for? What is it? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* MAY NEEDS TO FUCKIN' HURRY. My tattoo appointment is set then. :''') Do you/have you ever belonged to an organization? If so, which one? I was a Girl Scout when I was young. What is something you're very passionate about? Nature conservation, gay rights (equal rights in general, really), the pro-choice movement, and then there are less "important" things like certain hobbies interests and such. I'm sure there are more big ones that are just slipping my mind right now, considering I feel passionately for a shitload of stuff. What are you studying or what was the last thing you studied? I majored in Art & Design with a focus on Photography in college. But guess who dropped out. What was the last present you gave someone? I don't know... I mention enough that I don't have a source of income where I can really buy anything. I think the last thing I did was a Christmas gift for Mom a year or two back of a drawing I did of our late dog Cali, whom she absolutely adored. Do you enjoy plays? If so, what was the latest one you saw? Not really, no. What was the last thing you achieved? PHP has helped me focus on little victories, so prepare for an underwhelming answer haha, but it's something. I Facebook messaged an old friend I really wanted to catch up with, and everyone in group cheered for me. :') It was really heartwarming. What a shocker that this program is really helping me once again. What is something you would like to achieve at some point in your life? I would love love love to take at least one "famous" or award-winning photograph. It'd be such amazing validation that I'm talented at something I love so much. What is one philosophy you have regarding life/living/purpose? That's... difficult to answer seeing as I'm trying desperately to find my purpose. I do try to live by this old quote a therapist said once: "Deal with life, or life deals with you." I think it holds an incredible amount of depth and meaning in such a short phrase. How would you design the inside of your own home? I don't know the details of it, really, besides that shit is gonna look like a Halloween house year-round. I can imagine wanting black furniture, too, and having loooots of decor expressive of what I love and find comfort in. Gotta make a house feel like a home just for me. What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Backstreet Boys, duh. Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? Two things: it depends on the topic, and "get mad" is the wrong term for what I feel. It's more disgust; ex., I'm repulsed by anti-gay rights people and want absolutely nothing to do with 'em, but I'm not like, mad at them. Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Oh yeah, and it definitely depends on the raw photograph. I edit depending on the mood it emanates; like if you've seen my roadkill photography versus nature shots, there is an extremely distinct difference in editing style and vibe. I'd say in general though, I tend to like to brighten my photographs and add more vibrance. If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? God, I could write an essay on this. I just love and am so thankful for the fact we can literally freeze time forever with the click of a button and look back on fantastic sights, beautiful moments, memories... It's just magical to me, and I adore contributing to that art. Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Well yeah, that's my preference, actually. What is your absolute favorite food? The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, jfc. Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Fuck to the absolute hell no. What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Idk, considering I'm not well-versed in the artistic creations of other countries. Perhaps India? Japan? I dunno. If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? I'm asking for his fucking autograph and a hug while I smile my face in two AND cry lmao. What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I ain't gonna bullshit nobody, my PTSD. In some way or another, he's lurking in that head of mine through memories, flashbacks, wonders of what could have gone differently... but thank God it's no longer in the forefront of my mind after my first PHP. I've come very, very far, but especially when trying to blank out my mind to fall asleep, parts of PTSD strangle my brain until I'm just finally out. I really hope that changes someday. Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Yikes, nowhere, really. I like to avoid busy locations. Do you think video games cause people to become violent? Absolutely not. You are responsible for the decisions you make; music, games, movies, etc. have no deciding voice in stupid shit you do, and it's bullshit that people blame art and entertainment for such things. Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? I'm unsure. Have you or could you build your own site? Absolutely not from scratch. The closest I've gotten to that is my photography website, but it was through the assistance of Wix. What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Scrambled eggs, haha. I do make some bomb eggs at least. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighborhood? No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. God, I want to go vegetarian again... Besides English, what other languages can you speak? I can speak a very little bit of German. Took four semesters of it in high school and became very good at it, but lack of practice has pretty much ruined that. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well; as in, I can pronounce most words I see, but that doesn't mean I understand what is written. Do you think you could make it as a chef? Gordon Ramsey would deadass kick me off his show on day one, lmao. What's your favorite kind of tea? It marvels me JUST how many tea and coffee questions are in surveys. Anyway, I don't like tea. I am an embarrassment to NC culture. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? lask;dfjal;wekrjwe What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? Stealing my happiness back from someone who had no right to hold it all in its entirety. That shit's mine. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? Most, probably, but in some ways I can understand it - at least, in the sense that with the assistance of modern technology and advancements in satiating our wants so quickly, kids just expect it. I definitely believe that patience is something to try to be deeply instilled in everyone, though. I don't have an ounce of it (in most situations) and wish I did. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? One of my favorite Southern experiences is finding a bunch of honeysuckles and tasting the honey (is it technically even honey??). Tastes amazing. My family's hairdresser lives down a beautiful path that sprouts a massive amount of them, and as kids, my sisters and her two boys would go tasting them while our parents talked for so long, or if we were waiting our turn. Good memories. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I'm not sure, really. What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? "Inappropriate humor type jokes." <<<< They can get me sometimes, too. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? I don't believe so, no. Besides making a tye-dye one in HS with our school colors. Wasn't my idea and never wore it, haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? It depends on the person. If it's a friend, absolutely, because I love learning usually obscure things about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. If it's a user I don't know from wherever I got the survey, sometimes, depending on how short the answer is and my eyes kinda just scroll over it. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, especially mornings. I'm generally happier when there's light around. What's your highest level of education so far? Some college. Describe your ordinary day: My average day is embarrassingly uneventful. It's sitting on the laptop doing shit on various sites, none of which are actually important, and playing WoW, which is also without true substance, save for social interactions with my friends on there. I spray Venus' terrarium everyday multiple times as well to keep the humidity up, and obviously eat and handle that kinda bodily needs stuff. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? Ugh, that'd be so dope. I've seen some awesome ones, but idk if I'd get one, considering when am I actually going to be under UV light?? Like I wanna be able to see my tat. What is the brand and color name of your favorite lipstick? I have one black lipstick, but it comes right off so I don't even like it. I only ever put it on to take pictures. What do you like on your tortilla? Just ham and cheese. How about inside your pita bread? I've never had pita bread, actually. What do you like in your burger? It depends on where I'm getting the burger. My basic is cheese, ketchup, mustard, a bit of mayo, pickles, and a light sprinkle of diced onion, but sometimes I add bacon and take away the onions. How about on your pizza? I have three I tend to pick from: pepperoni, jalapeno, or meat lovers. Do you work better alone or in a group? Alone, definitely. Which body part would you not mind losing? I'ma be extremely honest, with just how horribly weak my legs are, I could live without them, I guess. Not saying I want to by any means, it's just exhausting using them. Ideally, I'd take away something minor, like a finger or something. What common saying people use is absolute BS to you? “'Everything happens for a reason.'” <<<< Fuckin' colossal "same." I won't rag on people who believe it, especially if it gives you courage to keep moving forward, but I don't believe it in the slightest. If it were so, I'd like to talk to whoever is in control of those "reasons," please. What is the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week? I had no idea elephants were pregnant for two years, like holy shit, can you imagine. It was in an article I saw on Facebook about a mother and daughter elephant who are both expecting and doing well. Wonderful to hear. What’s the most useless talent you have? Ha, I'm a master in the arts of catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions involving people hating me in one way or another. What’s something everyone looks stupid doing? I'm one of those people who hate dabbing done by anybody, like you look like you're just smelling your armpit. Which kids’ movie scarred you for life? I wouldn't say "scarred me for life" by any means, but when I was little, I was terrified of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz and even had nightmares about her. It sucked because my little sister was obsessed with that movie, haha. In one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet? A source of incredible knowledge but also hate and misinformation. What would be the most ridiculous thing for the government to make illegal? I literally dread the idea of Roe vs. Wade being reversed. Banning abortion would kill so many people with operational uteruses and cause absolute pandemonium. How many friends do you have on social media and how many of them do you know for real? On Facebook, I have 124 friends, and I'd say I know most of them "in real life." However, having been on the Internet since I was so young and befriending loads of incredible people, a good chunk are "online friends." Hell, I'm more interested in their lives than most "real" ones. Long-distance friendships are so valid. What fact amazes you every time you think of it? Lots of things, generally regarding the stupidity of humanity. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Probably going to the beach w/ my old friend Colleen. We had zero plans of doing it, but she just called me one morning and asked if I wanted to go, and off we went. It was a fun day. What has taken up too much of your life? I'ma be real, WoW. I don't think I'm addicted to it like I once was seeing as I go through spans where I barely want to play it at all and don't, so I truly am capable of not playing it, but rather it's just the most entertaining way to kill time in my life. I just don't like how much time I've invested into a game over six or seven years regardless. Where do you not mind waiting? Uh, nowhere lmao. Is there an app you hate to use, but still use every day? No; why would I use it if that was the case? Who is the funniest person you know? My friend Girt is fucking hysterical. What three words describe you best? Complex, passionate, and creative. What makes you think you’re smart? Lol who says I think I'm smart? Who inspires you? Korean Jesus. Okay on a serious note, not just him, of course, but he's #1 in an entire universe of ways. Do you aspire to be like somebody else? If so, who? No; I want to be my own authentic self. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Which one of your accomplishments are you the most proud of? I want to say my recovery, but like... I wonder a lot if it's "enough" to be proud of with how scarred I still am? I still struggle with a lot and feel like I could be so much better by now if I tried harder. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think it's finishing high school in the top percentile of my graduating class. There was a ceremony for the handful of us and all, and I cherish my plaque probably too much. Reminds me of a time when I knew what the fuck I was doing. What's the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Thinking I had "animal powers" where I could invoke the traits of certain animals at will, like what the actual fuck, Brittany. What did your mother teach you? Christ, a lot. Dad didn't do a lot of the raising, honestly, so much of my core values and whatnot were instilled by my mother. She taught me to care for and be nice to others, respect myself, try my best in everything, and most importantly that she is always there for me and my sisters no matter what and can tell her absolutely anything. She was very serious about us going to college and saving sex for marriage when we were younger, but she diverged from those ideas as absolutely necessary with experience. I'm extremely lucky with who I call my mom, overall. What did your father teach you? Eek... Read above. Not a lot as a kid (save for riding a bike and playing softball); most he's taught me has come following reuniting with him after my parents' divorce. I remember we went to lunch once and talked about my breakup, and he talked to me about sometimes, you just have to let people go in order to be happy, like with him and Mom. He's very serious now about ensuring us girls know that he is always there for us and will help us in any way he's capable. What makes you feel powerful? "Powerful" isn't something I really feel, if I'm being real. What are you ready to let go? It would be inexplicably fantastic if I could let every speck of Jason go in both my head and heart. What is your most bizarre deal-breaker? I don't really find any of my expectations and limits as "bizarre?" They're all valid to me. Well wait, idk if you'd find it strange that I absofuckinglutely would not date someone who hunts, but it's not to me. That's a difference in a very serious value to me. Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Hated. God, I don't want to leave this earth having given just nothing. I can live with some people hating me for whatever reason. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve made? Accepting my bisexuality, probably. That's something that I consider pretty big for two reasons: 1.) I could end up with a woman forever, and especially 2.) I was originally homophobic. I still have difficulty in fathoming how I ever was. What are some of your short-term goals? PHP is finally starting to make me build these again. I want to get better at selfcare, draw, write, and read more, I want to drink a lot more water, exercise way more... Lots of things, really. What is the weirdest thing about you? Uh. I dunno. Probably that I RP meerkats, which is a very obscure RP niche for sure.

So in honor of the Fruits Basket reboot who would you say are your fave Furuba characters and ships (canon) and why? Least fave Furuba characters and canon ships and why?

Oh hi nonny! This is fun! I meant to reply earlier, but I know this is going to get in depth so I wanted to be on my computer when I replied. Also, this is going to have major Furuba spoilers (duh). 

I’ll start with the least favorites to get the negatives out of the way. My least fave characters are hard because I tend to love more than hate characters in this series. However...

I didn’t really like Motoko or any of the Prince Yuki fanclub girls. I had a much better appreciation for her after that graduation scene; I’m glad she didn’t confess to Yuki and instead just thanked him for helping make her high school experience fun. When you think of that, how she had a group of friends who all shared this adoration for him, and how much fun she had, it is sweet. 

BUT the fucking fangirls really helped create a culture in their school where people couldn’t get close to Yuki even if they wanted to! And seeing how much that hurt Yuki, despite their intentions, it irks me. It was only once there were people like Manabe and Kimi who didn’t give a fuck about the fangirls (Kimi’s handling of the fangirls was just so wonderfully delicious for this very reason) that Yuki was finally able to have a fun high school experience and let loose a bit. It’s not all Motoko’s and the fangirls’ fault; Yuki had his own demons to fight through. But you can’t deny that if everyone knows that there is a legit fanclub with strict rules on how anyone, especially girls, are allowed to communicate with him, they’re not going to think they can joke around and goof off with him. 

Interestingly enough, I think her daughter makes up for her. Her daughter’s love of the Sohmas is so much funnier, non-obtrusive, and more respectful than Motoko’s was. 

This might be unpopular or surprising, but I really dislike Shigure. Aside from him being a disgusting lech (that scene with him going the high school talking about seeing high school girls is sick. And as someone who is 27 going on 28 my own damn self, I would protect high school girls from perverts like him until my dying breath), I just find his motivations and mindset fucked up. Like, he was fucked when he decided Akito was the love of his life, but the things he does just to get a reaction from her is annoying as BALLS. Idk if we ever got a definite number for how old Akito is, but she’s still much younger than Shigure. And doing shit like SLEEPING WITH HER MOTHER out of spite when you know Akito is just one wind blow away from losing her fucking shit is just so gross. He’s too grown to be doing dumb shit like that, and I have zero respect for him. 

Also, on a side note, I don’t really like Kureno either. Not like he did anything in particular (except get with Arisa, which I don’t like at all), but I find him boring as dirt. The only interesting thing about him is that he’s the first one who’s curse broke. Cool. So why are you here? He’s not much of a character; he’s just there to show that the curse IS breaking, and then to cause tension between Akito and Shigure. All while being dull and annoying. Boy, bye. 

Least favorite “ships” is funny because I actually dislike more couples than I like. But among my least favorite are: 

I think I lowkey read Arisa as a lesbian as a kid, and it was really annoying that Takaya-sensei decided to force her into a relationship. Especially because I just wasn’t sold on her and Kureno. Kureno is nothing like Tohru for her to be doing that “Oh, he’s like Tohru” thing. He did one thing she would do, boo hoo. I can’t imagine Tohru also doing what he did with Akito (ie, not leaving/not establishing boundaries), so there’s that. Also, the, like, 9 year or whatever age difference is a hard no. Arisa had so much potential and personality and whatnot than to become that fuckboy’s housewife. ALSO, that line when she says she wants to hit like 6 feet or something, and Kyo asks if she wants to be a model or something, I couldn’t help but think “oooh, she should be a model!” Imagine Arisa as a model! That’s what she should have been; not Kureno’s girlfriend. UGH! 

No matter how many times I read it, I can’t get over Katsuya and Kyoko’s age difference. I mean, at least Arisa is in high school and been through some shit to mature her where you can KINDA be okay with her and Kureno (except me, who hates it 100%). But Kyoko was IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. Like, how you a grown man falling for a MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENT. The fuck? The hell? Jesus did not die on the cross for this. Even taking into consideration culture and the time period, it’s 10000000000% NOT okay. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Even when I was the same age as Kyoko myself reading this (like 15ish), I had a HUGE issue when I learned about that age gap. It’s gross. It’s predatory. And when he’s even called out on it by Kyoko, he laughs it off. 

His personality was cute, but I don’t know why they couldn’t wait. Like, even if they did something where they met when she was in middle school, and then maybe ten years later, while Kyoko was reforming her delinquent ways, she finds Katsuya again and reconnects with him, fine. But really? 

I respect it only because they made Tohru and she’s a gem, and he died long before the story began, so it is what it is. But ew, hell no. 

The last couple I don’t really like, and this is really unpopular, is Haru and Rin. I know most people who read this love them, but I always found their relationship to be too codependent and unhealthy. Rin isn’t my favorite character, but considering her history, I can’t be too mad at her. Not to mention she reacts the way you would expect a high school girl going through what she did to behave. I was friends with angry girls like her in high school; I get it. I also saw those same girls get into unhealthy codependent relationships with guys and are still struggling today. I like Haru a lot, and I’m sure he and Rin could be sweet. I love how protective he is of her. But Haru just wasn’t right for Rin when they were going through the breakup and then getting back together thing. The things they said to each other were just off putting to me. Once things calmed down, they were fine, but I found it hard to root for them because of what a weird introduction we got to them as a couple. 

Now on to the positives. My favorite characters. This is going to be conventional, buuuuuut...

Tohru, obviously. Only losers who fell off Fruits Basket don’t love Tohru. She’s very awe inspiring honestly with her attitude. You read her reactions and think how you want to be that sort of person. You want the be the person someone looks at and thinks of as home. You want to be the sort of person who is encouraging and positive and happy. You want to be someone full of light. 

I do have critiques of her being a “perfect mother” character, and how she finds herself mothering a bunch of guys (like, literally taking care of three males cooking and cleaning for them. Gross). There is something to be said about whether Tohru would work as a character if she had real goals other than “get a job and support myself.” If she had goals like wanting to go away to college and get a career. Like, imagine Tohru as a therapist. She’d be able to help so many people. But no, her humble Japanese heart wouldn’t allow her to go for some sort of passion that grandiose. Like, we live in a modern day where it’s GOOD for girls to have passions, so it’s kinda off putting that her only passion is homemaking and nurturing those around her. 

BUT, she’s still so sweet and kind and makes you want to be a better person! lol. 

What’s funny about Flying Pot-kun is that when he was introduced, I remember thinking “he reminds me of someone.” And I was racking my brain of people I knew irl, wondering who he reminded me of. Then Yuki starts going “he reminds me of someone,” and I was like “What? Yuki too?” And when Yuki thought of his brother, I started DYING laughing! It’s ironic that Yuki’s best friend ends up being a younger version of his brother who irritates him. 

Manabe is really fun, but I really love his relationship with Yuki. I like when they fight, when they talk. But what really impressed me is the scene with Komaki, where she tells him off about what he said to Tohru at her mother’s wake. And how instead of getting defensive (”what? I was only looking out for you!”), he realized that he fucked up. I wish he would have apologized to Tohru earlier, even if she didn’t remember him until a while later, but he’s a guy so I don’t expect much from them (whoops, my misandry was showing). 

Still, Manabe reminds me of my guy friends from hs, and how fun and stupid and silly they were. I could see him hanging out with them, getting in trouble with them, so I like him lol. 

My #1 favorite character has to be Yuki. What’s hilarious is that when I first read Fruits Basket through (so, as a teen, reading all the volumes as they came out during the Tokyopop run), I HATED Yuki. I thought he was a dick to Kyo unnecessarily. There’s that one moment right after the “True Form Reveal” I believe where Kyo is visibly trying to not snap at Yuki the way he normally does. But then Yuki provokes him and causes Kyo to yell at him. As the oppressed older sister of a favored younger brother, I know first hand how it feels to be provoked to anger by someone who knows how to push your buttons. And so I likened Yuki to my brother and hated him for that. It felt like to me that every time Kyo wanted to move on, Yuki was there to put him down. 

Then I reread Fruits Basket when I was 19 and realized “Holy shit, Yuki is a male version of me.” Not 100% obviously, but his self loathing and the way he isolated himself even after no longer being under the direct control of his family was something I could relate to. I realized that I disliked Yuki because I saw in him all the flaws I disliked in myself: hating him was easy because I was hating these parts of myself. 

When I understood that, I related to his story more, and he’s always my favorite character now. I especially love once he becomes student body president. All of the scenes with him and the rest of his student council members are gold. Kimi and her stupid flirting, Manabe going off track, Chibi-suke’s play at maturity while everyone else goofs off, and Machi’s quiet and awkward energy leads to some amazing moments. Seeing Yuki interact with them in a way he never lets himself behave with his family is great; and we get to see a side of him you know his classmates rarely see too. You watch his confidence grow and it just makes my heart glow. I’m smiling while I’m typing this lol. 

Favorite couples? Tbqh, there’s only two I really love and respect, and they’re the obvious two. All others can fall apart tomorrow and I’d feel NOTHING. But these two were endgame and perfect. 

Tohru and Kyo. God, the first time I read this series, when I realized that it was setting those two up, I wanted to DIE from happiness. Kyo was my BOY first time around, and he could do no wrong. So to know he “won” over Yuki and got the girl made me so happy. Rereading it, I always find Tohru and Kyo so adorably compatible. Tohru is very good at reading his love language, and seeing his deeper meaning. I remember someone mentioned that Yuki, in the beginning, still kept a lid on his feelings, making it hard for Tohru to 100% connect to him. And that Kyo was always so explosive with his feelings; even if it’s awkward and not 100% how he feels, Kyo still expresses how he feels as he’s feeling them. 

I think that’s why when she confesses to him, she takes his rejection as REAL rejection. Because Kyo is always the honest one, the one she rarely has to question how he feels. Kyo is always honest. I thought that was a good assessment, and a good reason why they work. 

Not only is Tohru’s love for Kyo healing for him, but her love for Kyo is healing for Tohru. Being able to move forward and create a future with him allows her to move on from her past. Through loving Kyo, and working on breaking the curse so she can free him and be with him, can she move past her mother’s death. Imagine if she just graduated, got a job, and lived on her own after high school. She’d be alone. And left with remembering her mother all the time. It would have broken her. Loving Kyo meant she had to be willing to let her mother go a bit. Move on and live despite her mother not being around. And after Kyo stopped being a dumbass, that’s what his love was for her. It freed her. Not as a distraction, but as a way for her to heal from it. 

They were really made for each other. 

Despite my love for Tohru and Kyo, Yuki and Machi are just my absolutely FAVORITE. Their dynamic together is so interesting. Yuki is so used to people putting him on a pedestal that he’s intrigued by someone who’s like “he’s not a prince; he’s just an average guy.” And when he starts giving her attention, Machi, who is used to being ignored and overlooked, is flabbergasted. Not only that, but he UNDERSTANDS her without her having to say anything. And what’s funny is that that is how Yuki is. He doesn’t express his feelings the way Kyo does; he holds a lot in. His feelings might manifest in small ways, but it’s hard for others to read it.

Because it’s how he is, Yuki is able to read deeper into Machi’s actions. He hears a story from Manabe about her walking in the snow, just making footprints, and then sees that she destroys clean and organized rooms and spaces. He puts two and two together: she hates when things are “perfect” and orderly. So she has to “ruin” them. And just like that, he gets it. Like, imagine what they’re house has to be like with Yuki being bad at cleaning and Machi just HATING a messy home! And considering how their son almost brags about his messy habits in Fruits Basket: Another, jfc, it’s gotta be bad! 

I think that’s why Yuki and Machi are so cute to me: they also compliment each other. They can observe each other and see deeper than what others see. Machi didn’t just see his perfect persona at school: she saw beneath that. She remarks that he seems lonely, and he is. He sees her actions and realizes the truth. They think of each other and then do things based on that. Yuki sees her clutching a Mogeta when she meets his brother and realizes she must like him. Then sees another Mogeta while out and buys it for her just like that. Machi asks Yuki what he wants and when he says fertilizer like a dumbass not realizing her intent, she goes out to get it for him (carrying fertilizer by herself couldn’t have been easy). 

They see each other. And that’s what’s so beautiful. In a world where they both, for one reason or another, are so easily forgotten and overlooked, they see each other. They found each other. They get each other. FUCKING CHRIST IT’S TOO BEAUTIFUL TO THINK ABOUT. 

Also, some honorable mentions of couples I actually liked: Komaki and Manabe (I hope she beats his ass every time he calls her his meat angel lol), Ayame and Mine (I wish we saw more from them; then maybe I’d like them enough to wax poetry over them), and Hatori and the Great Mayu-chan-sensei (god, those two!!!!! Wonderful!!!!!). 

Thanks, nonny, this was fun! 

50 questions tag

tagged by: @pinktea99

tagging: @renjungita @forehead-enthusiast @bitchendery @yanggerm @0hyja @midsummerenjun

hiding all the tea under the cut 🤠

1. what takes up too much of your time?

kpop,, so in turn tumblr and youtube also overthinking ,,, love that

2. what makes your day better?

talking to my friends, little pleasant surprises, when my cat does something cute

3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today?

honestly idk,,, today has blended together into nothingness but my fish just ate his food without being angry at me the whole time so that was nice

4. what fictional place would you like to go to?

hogwarts !!! its so pretty there and it would be so fun to learn all about magic and discover all the little hidden parts of the castle, lay with your friends by the great lake,,, ok i’ll stop now

5. are you good at giving advice?

i think it depends on the advice but i try to help as well as i can 

6. do you have a mental illness?

social anxiety 😎 and possibly depression but i’m too scared to go see a therapist

7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

no and i’m thankful for that

8. what musician inspires you the most?

tbh taeyong 

9. have you ever fallen in love?

with renjun 😍 ok i’m sorry but honestly i think i’ve only experienced rly intense /like/ 

10. what’s your dream date?

this is like specific but there’s a museum district near me and walking around there would be rly nice,,, just walking through the streets,,, visiting art galleries and museums,,, maybe going to the zoo,,, go into all the cool little stores,,, : (

11. what do others notice about you?

people who have met my dad ALWAYS say how i look like him but otherwise it’s probably my hair ? idk people seem to like curly hair

12. what’s an annoying habit you have?

picking at my lips omfg i need to STOP

13. do you still talk to your first love?

well not Love but yeah hdjdk

14. how many exes do you have?

just one 🤠

15. how many songs are in your playlist?

i have ,, lots of playlists but i have 721 saved songs,,,, more if u count songs in playlists i don’t have saved,,,

16. what instruments can you play?

uH zero but i could play a Mean xylophone in elementary music class

17. what do you have the most pictures of?

kpop idols,,,

18. where would you like to go before you die?

europe !! i want to travel around europe and visit as many countries as i can, also japan ! especially during cherry blossom season !

19. what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, aqua moon, cap rising

20. do you relate to it?

for the most part i’d day yeah, i still don’t know /that/ much about astrology hdsjkd

21. what is happiness to you?

that feeling of standing in the sun for the first time in a while, feeling all warm inside doing the things that make you smile

22. are you going through anything right now?

hm yeah ,,

23. what’s the worst decision you ever made?

probably,, not putting in the effort to talk to my friends a lot this past year,,,

24. what’s your favorite store?

there’s this one local thrift store near me and uGH it’s amazing i’ve found great stuff there, and also this japanese convenience store called daiso i could spend all day in there

25. what’s your opinion about abortion?

i feel that women should have the choice whether they’re going to have one or not without being attacked by the other side for their decision

26. do you have a bucket list?

not rly djkhj

27. do you have a favorite album?

i have . many favorite albums, some include limitless by nct 127, hozier’s self titled album, and basically all of day6′s albums

28. what do you want for your birthday?

,, money but also i could always use more face masks and stationary 

29. what are people’s first impressions of you?

that i never talk like,, ever 💀 which . is relatively true,, until i get to know you and get more comfortable

30. what age do you seem according to most people?

once a cashier asked if i was a freshman in college,,,, surprisingly lots of people think i’m older than i am, tho me and my mom did joke that i probably look like a 12 year old when driving and people might call cps on her ahhjksdhf

31. where do you keep your phone while sleeping?

on my nightstand which is literally like . 1 foot from my face

32. what word do you say the most?

like,, um ,, what ,, so

33. what’s the oldest age you would date?

that’s kinda hard to answer since i’m still so young ,,, but at the moment maybe 19 ??

34. what’s the youngest you would date?

again ,,, kinda hard but at the moment,,, probably 16 but as i get older i’d be more comfortable with a bigger gap

35. what job/career do most people say would suit you?

lot’s of people say artist,, my parents think i’d make a good baker and jokingly they also say lawyer bc i argue so much hjskdh

36. what’s your favorite music genre?

well ,, kpop but that’s like 500 genres all in one,,, i also rly like indie/alternative the occasional pop and pop rock thrown in there

37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

england ! i’ve a l w a y s wanted to live there omg, or italy !

38. what is your current favorite song?

two i’ve been listening to on repeat lately are take off by wayv and lips on lips by tiffany young 

39. how long have you had this blog for?

this one,,, only like 3 months but my previous blog was like ,, a few years old

40. what are you excited for?

our up coming vacation(s) !!! one might not happen but the other is and i’m !!! also my mom wants to “do something fun” this week (we were supposed to go on one of those vacations this week sO) and i’m excited for going out and doing ,, whatever it is we come up with

41. are you a better talker or listener?

oh listener definitely, i’m so bad at talking about my feelings out loud 

42. what was the last productive thing you did?

i did some laundry,,, also worked on summer school earlier today

43. what do you want for christmas?

same as my birthday but i also just remembered ,, a switch !! i’ve wanted one for so long ,,

44. what class do you get the best grades in?

usually history and german (hallo yangyang,,) also did amazing in bio freshman year let’s hope that carries over to ap bio next year

45. on a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now?

i’d say ,, a 7 which is wack usually it’s lower

46. what can you see yourself doing in ten years?

hopefully have a good stable job,, a good relationship,,, be healthy mentally and physically ,,, 

47. when did you get your first heartbreak?

can losing a friend count as a heartbreak ,,, bc if so ,,, a few years ago

48. at what age do you want to get married?

i have absolutely no idea ahhjksdh

49. what career did you want to have as a child?

i wanted to be a vet soooo badly but now i can barely handle the sight of blood so,,, sorry 8 year old ally

50. what do you crave right now?

honestly ,,, to just go out and do something,,,, i’ve been stuck in the house since friday 

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

i was tagged by @clarz - thank you for this! rules: answer questions given by the person who tagged you, write 11 new questions of your own, tag 11 people. 

i’m gonna tag some people today cuz i worked hard on this and it took a long time...whoops. no pressure XD @wellsjahasghost @tylerstitties @runicscribbles @xproskeith @anomalagous @ginevraslovegood @quicklikelight​  @westhallen @lozenger8 @prudence-halliwell @malecbellarke

omg i’m sorry i just realized it’s really long. this is what happens when you take 2 days to answer a tag game. feel free to skip my answers and head to the new Qs if you want! or neither! love you <3

1. Do you find it frustrating that although you know how certain things “work” (for instance, how a love interest not calling you back automatically increases your interest), you can’t help but being drawn in? Can you give me an example? (For the record, this principle describes the entirety of my complicated one-sided relationship with one Harry Edward Styles.)

Yeeeeah i feel like most things in my life approach that level of frustration tbh. I have very little self control sometimes. I’m covered in a haze of addiction, and my impulse control/temper lives on a volatile little rickety branch in my brain where there’s always a lightning storm in the distance. Okay so what I mean is (and I’m not sure i really understand the question but I’m trying), I find it extremely frustrating that I am always aware of what the outcome will be and yet I constantly put myself in the position to be frustrated and/or disappointed by it. Did I get it? Like, if we’re talkin about celebrity obsessions, or having a crush on someone (which, yeah, I guess I kinda remember what that’s like irl), I suppose I’ve come to terms with that kind of distant admiration thing being divorced from reality- I mean, it’s been a life long struggle, so it doesn’t really get to me as much anymore. Usually. The “fangirl” in me is very, very young, and I don’t really know her anymore. If I’m talking about fighting my impulses or my mental health, or like, leaving earlier so I’m not late and then angry in traffic.... that’s a bit more frustrating. I will never leave early. Why? I don’t fucking know. And it’s the Worst. Idk if that fits with your question but yeah, I know how my behavior affects my mood and I could change it, but I don’t, and I can’t help it.

2. What is the longest book or series of books you’ve ever read? Were you at a loss when you finished? Do you generally like series or prefer stand-alone books?

The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind! I love it so much. Haven’t read it in a long time, but that shit is like over 20 books and he’s still writing.. a legend. I was at a loss several times at the end of certain books that I thought were really gonna be the End, but then he made some like, spin off series a bit. So we’re good. Generally I love a good series, but there are so many stand alone books that I adore so.. I don’t know. Why am I writing so formally? This is tiresome, I’m gonna stop now. Stupid capital letters.

other series i love include everything in the tolkien universe, and of course harry potter, and also the percy jackson books. tolkien is pretty epic, to say the least, and rick riordan is fucking prolific, so hp is like, on the small side in terms of series (tho i did reread the last 2 at least a dozen times, and the audiobooks on many a long drive). also those motherfukcing maze runner books were like... there’s not that many of them, but that one i can definitely say left me at a loss. i’m still not ready to watch the last 2 movies but i hope to one day. for dylan.

3. Ever seen a therapist or gone to a support group? Did it help?

yup. i’ve seen quite a few therapists. i don’t think it’s helped in the long term, and i’m not sure it helped in the short, though there was a time i liked it because i was indulging my self analysis, but that for sure wasn’t helpful. i tried a couple cbt therapists thinking that could be a good way to go, but nothing ever really changed, so it’s hard to tell what’s going wrong- is it the therapy or is it me? idk i just think on the whole it’s got a negative color for me. i still see someone once every few weeks, but it’s a chore. this is really completely against everything i believe about therapy, btw, and i def considered becoming one when i was in university. i do think it’s beneficial, i guess just maybe not to me.

4. What is the longest road trip you’ve ever taken? Did you drive or were you just a passenger? What is your favorite road trip ritual, if you have any (the particular gas station snacks, the car games, the fights over music choices, the rest stops, etc.)?

oh my, well i’ve been on a few road trips in my life, but probably not as many as you americans do. the longest one was probably as a child, when i was about 3 or 4 my parents took us across the states, to the grand canyon (i don’t think we actually got there) in our mustard yellow vw bus. i had to be too small to remember but i definitely do (my dad’s a photographer so the boxes upon boxes of film helps): - sleeping on the ceiling in the bus like on a fucking shelf that stuck out above the driver seats. it was way too cool. - staying in a trailer park and walking over to this little building where there was some scary movie playing that had spinning wheels on fire (i think it was like some 80s horror version of rumpelstiltskin or something). i can literally picture a scene from it, just can’t really describe it. traumatizing. - playing on a beach somewhere (cape cod?) and having something nip at my little toes.

on other trips with friends we’ve shared the driving, but the most recent one from LA to vegas my friend wouldn’t let me touch the rental wheel. he thinks i’m a terrible driver. it was ok tho i got to take pictures instead.

i don’t really have a fave ritual since i don’t do much road “tripping” per se, but since i’ve lived in both toronto and new york i have done a shit ton of driving long distance, and i absolutely love it. my fave thing to do is make sure i have enough show tunes and stand up comedy on the playlist, and even some cds on back up, so i can lose my voice on the drive. usually i have some good ol’ tim horton’s french vanilla and a croissant on the side to keep me going, and if it’s long enough i usually stop somewhere for some french fries and/or a coke to wake up. god i love driving.

5. Which do you find increases more rapidly, your age or your idea of what age is old?

ugh. my age. i don’t feel old but that stupid time nonsense says otherwise. it needs to stop.

6. Do you talk to your animals when no one else is in the room? What do you say to them? Do you talk to animals you see on the street, at zoos, in your yard? How much of a face does an animal have to have to be talk-to-able? (For example, do rodents count? Birds? Fish? Cockroaches? WHERE’S THE LINE)

absolutely. i talk to pretty much fucking everything, animals or otherwise, i don’t care who’s in the room. there is no line. the line does not exist.

7. If they cooked, which dish of your mom’s/dad’s/parental figure is or was your favorite? Which was your least favorite? Do you often cook dishes your parents used to make for you for yourself now, as an adult?

welllllll my parents do cook, but over the years i came to really dislike a lot of my mom’s cooking.. habits, lets say. my dad is great on the bbq, and with all meats, but my mom is usually the organizer and most often the chef. her staples are chicken and brisket, sometimes salmon, in various ways. the problem is i’ve always been a picky eater, and tho my own tastes have branched out, my mom still thinks she needs to cook everything super plain and sometimes it’s kinda gross. like, she’ll make some fancy chicken for everyone else and throw a boneless breast covered in teriyaki sauce in a casserole in the oven for me. it does NOT taste good. but she can make a really great schnitzel, and brisket is hard to do wrong. i don’t make anything for myself the way she does it really, but my eating/cooking habits are all wonky anyway.

8. Do you ever check your voicemail? Do you answer calls from numbers you don’t have programmed into your phone?

i check it if someone left a message, why wouldn’t you? what if it’s an emergency? in fact, my best friend does not. so i guess.. that’s a thing. i for sure do not answer any call that doesn’t show a name that i recognize- even then it’s a stretch. i have to really want/need to talk to you, otherwise it’s gonna be on my terms. my phone and i have a hate-hate relationship.

9. How often do you go to the grocery store? Are you good at it? Do you have any kind of strategy or list prepared beforehand?

i go when i run out of something i wanna eat; my store is right on the corner. i basically just do the curve around the breads/fruits/veggies if i need it, then head to the aisles which i skim from the back where the frozen/refrigerated stuff is, poking in to the aisles i need to grab the shit i’ve run out of. i eat pretty much the same way most of the time so my list is in my head (which is not always a good place, but i try hard. if i forget something i go back for it next time).

10. Do movies frequently make you cry? Do you find you’re more likely to cry in the theater or at home? When people are around or by yourself?

oh hell yes. if they’re good or i’m in a mood. i don’t think it matters much where i am if it’s public or private, the cry will come if the moment is right, and i could give no shits XD

11. Have you ever seen the sun rise? Did you kind of like the weird, slightly chilly liminal space of it, or did you just wish you were still in bed?

yes i have, in so many different contexts. mostly i watch it rise because i stay up That Late most of the time (except this time of year, i haven’t seen it in a good while), wishing my ass was finally in bed going “fuck. there’s the sun again. way to go me.” but i’ve also experienced that first bit. out in the desert after a 16k hike, sweat pouring off my skin and fire burning on the surface, hissing it away. standing on top of an ancient mountain facing the dead sea, limbs aching from climbing it with the sun racing at our backs, trying to get to the top before we missed it rise. ya. sunsets are pretty, too.

so how am i supposed to think of 11 questions?? i hope none of these are from some post i saw one time, i’m gonna try to be original without rambling too much:

1- if you could go back to one major decision you made that impacted the path of your life and change it, would you? what was it? how do you think your life would be different? or don’t answer those second two questions, if you don’t want to.

2- in what direction does your belief lean (like, you don’t have to agree with my description of it, but what fits your image best):

a single/multiple divine power that controls every facet of our existence (or like, any traditional religious worldview), with or without free will?

a harmonious interconnected universal complex that directs matter and energy but is affected by our existence in said universe?

everything is just a series of random events passing through time and everything that happens, everything we do, makes the next thing happen, but it could have happened any other way as well.

do these things make sense? idk try and figure it out.

3- on that topic, what do you think happens when we die? do we go to heaven/hell or some other religious construct? do we have a soul that sticks around? reincarnation? do we just... end, and decompose, and that’s it? what do you really think? are you afraid to find out you were wrong?

4- tell me about a moment in a movie or a show that made you go all tingly inside, like, that really special tingle, and every time you see it you get those feelings again.

5- what’s your go-to method for letting out stress?

6- what are 3 of your favorite words (english or otherwise)? why do you love them? the way they sound? the way they look? what they mean? (i usually would answer this based on sound, kinda like fave color, just a feeling).

7- this isn’t so original but i wanna know- if you could live in any other period of time, in any part of the world, what would it be and why? or would you even? would you if you could choose your station/place in society?

8- is there anything you’ve ever done or ever happened to you that you absolutely never ever could ever tell anyone about? not even your soulmate or someone who would never judge you? if so, does it bother you, or do you have it tucked away in your mind and never think about it?

9- which teen wolf cast member would you get along with best? not who would you like to be in a relationship with, but who do you think you’d have the best relationship with (romantic/platonic/otherwise)? if you don’t think you know any of them well enough... which one would you bone? boooooooooone all night long?

10- do you have a talent/skill that you feel is really underrated or underused by you or others? is there something you’re really proud of but have nobody to brag to about it because nobody you know really cares at all? brag to me.

11- do you think it’s truly possible to be happy if you never have a significant other(s) for the rest of your life? could you ever be?

THAT’S ALL FOLKS. wow i can’t believe i wrote all of that shit and you read it. way to go us. thanks again, clara!

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

I was tagged by: @tryingtofindmyplacetoscream thanks buddy :)

The last 1. drink: sweet tea 2. phone call: I missed a call from my best friend (one of five best friends) just a little bit ago, but I talked to my dad earlier today...which reminds me I was supposed to call and let him know I got home so thanks for reminding me! 3. text message: my best friend (Mimi specifically) 4. song you listened to: I listened to the radio on the way home so something country (maybe body like a back road?) but I was listening to deh earlier (dear evan hansen in case you live under a rock) 5. time you cried: I don’t cry. jk it was yesterday

Have you ever 6. dated someone twice: nah 7. kissed someone and regretted it: not at the time 8. been cheated on: not that I know of 9. lost someone special: yep. 10. been depressed: leave me alone. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: uh I got barely drunk and then ate a bunch of tater tots once and then threw up because of the tater tots so kinda? 3 favorite colors 12. turquoise 13. light green 14. purple In the last year have you: 15. made new friends: yes, a few. at least I hope they consider me a friend 16. fallen out of love: lol I fuckin wish 17. laughed until you cried: yep, yesterday. when asked about how the funeral my grandmother went to was, she replied with “well, he’s dead”, so there was that. 18. found out someone was talking about you: not behind my back or anything...I’m not interesting enough for that 19. met someone who changed you: not like wildly, but a lot of new people have helped me grow in little ways 20. found out who your friends are: somewhat yeah 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: in my dreams lol same General: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: a small percentage of them, or at least I don’t really know them anymore 23. do you have any pets: a dog that lives with my sister and a cat that lives with my other sister but I’m taking my cat back at the end of the month and she’s gonna live in my apartment along with a bird...it’ll be an interesting year 24. do you want to change your name: nah not really 25. what did you do for your last birthday: suffered. 26. what time did you wake up: 3 am even though I never really fell asleep but I slept in the car so it’s all good 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching The Bold Type (or maybe Stitchers? I wasn’t really paying attention to the time) 28. name something you can’t wait for: pitch perfect 3 in December cuz I’m complete trash 31. what are you listening to right now: nothing but I might turn on Halsey in a bit 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: literally ten minutes ago (my dad’s name is Tom and I wanted to call him before I forgot) 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my student loan 34. most visited website: tumblr 35. hair color: light brown 36. long or short hair: short 39. piercings: just my ears which, by some miracle or curse have not closed up yet (I haven’t worn earrings since I was 12) 40. blood type: fuck if I know 41. nicknames: too many to count but most frequently Rosie 42. relationship status: lol single as always 43. zodiac: libra 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: The Bold Type is fucking phenomenal 46. tattoos: none yet but i want to have a lot and I have like 7 designed and ready to go I’m just broke as fuck 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: I had a mole with pre-cancerous cells removed from my back when I was 12 or 13 49. piercing: still just the ears since I haven’t gone to get anything pierced in the last 2 minutes 50. sport: I just quit field hockey so none anymore 51. vacation: Destin, FL. 4th of July water gun war. It was epic. 52. pair of trainers: I also don’t understand this question? I don’t call them trainers but I have three pairs of sneakers

More general:  53. eating: Nothing right now but I ate a cinnamon raisin bagel a few hours ago. 54. drinking: also nothing right now. 55. i’m about to: finish my laundry and (hopefully if I don’t have to pay for my ticket) go see a movie 56. waiting for: my laundry to dry 57. want: sleep preferably permanent  58. get married: maybe 59. career: physical therapist

Which is better:  60. hugs or kisses: definitely both 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: uhhh either 63. older or younger: older (though it’s more of a maturity thing so who knows) 64. nice arms or nice stomach: all stomachs and all arms are nice 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

Have you ever:  67. kissed a stranger: nope 68. drank hard liquor: yup. wish I was drinking it now. 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: ugh yes 70. turned someone down: lol you’re funny that require someone wanting to be with me 71. sex on the first date: nope (no sex at all) 72. broken someone’s heart: he didn’t make it seem like it, but who the hell knows 73. had your heart broken: lol basically always 74. been arrested: nope. 75. cried when someone died: yeah. 76. fallen for a friend: again, leave me alone.

Do you believe in:  77. yourself: fuck off. 78. miracles: not really. 79. love at first sight: eh. 80. santa claus: no. 81. kiss on the first date: yeah sure 82. angels: not really sure

Other:  83. current best friend’s name: I guess this is where I list all 5? Mimi, Ev, Kylie, Emilie, and Aubrie 84. eye colour: blue when they feel like it 85. favourite movie: it’s been a tie between Twister and 50 First Dates my entire life, but I honestly think Wonder Woman might have destroyed them both. (plus I fuckin love pitch perfect but I could never choose a favorite)

I still don’t tag people, so do it if you want!

11.28.18

Lmao by the time I post this it might be the 29th and I have my 8:30 class tomorrow morning oof.

But I need to write. Today, the whole day, I felt like absolute shit. On a physical level a tiny bit, but more like emotionally. Or at my core.

Something is going fucky with my mental health. By all measures today should have been decent, at least, if not pretty good. But I can't feel happy about it. I'm just wallowing in everything I do wrong and every misstep I make, and trying to find them to be symptoms of larger, immutable flaws in my character. I am objectively a half decent person, like I try to be polite to everyone or just not say anything, and I'm not a terrible friend (it was hard for me to type that, but I swear objectively I'm just not). But today, and lately really, I just can't accept that. I keep getting stuck in loops of hating myself, and hating myself for hating myself, and spiraling downwards until I'm just tired and I know pain will take my mind off it for a minute. Then I hate myself for thinking that, because nothing has happened. I am fine. What right do I have to be upset? How can I feel all this for no reason? I give myself scars over what, a bad day every once in a while? This pathetic loop? So many people are dealing with real shit, and they're dealing healthily. And I can't even handle this?

Yeah can you tell I stopped writing an example

Anyways yeah and I know this mindset isn't healthy. I fucking tell my friends off for this exact thought process and ask them to look at themselves how I see them. But no, can't even follow my own damn advice.

So yeah. Not having the best of times. And I know it must sound bad, but really it's not. In the moment I can ignore all this, I'm doing fine in school and my friends don't even pick up on it. I just need to vent.

I'm sure plenty of this is due to the thing that makes me uncomfortable to even talk about. It's terrible to even acknowledge, and I keep trying to figure out how to word it in a way that doesn't connect it to me but I can't and it's my fucking period and I cannot express how much I hate it.

I think it's normal to hate it? I dunno? My roommate looked at me sorta funky when I said if I could safely perform surgery on myself to get rid of it I would but seemed to agree it sucks.

I just keep getting headaches and cramps and every time they make me want to die. I had to stop binding this morning too, because my chest hurt. And so I spent the whole day fucking miserable with my body, angry at myself, and disgusted with my character, and underwhelmed by my academic achievements (the only kind I have).

Also side note my friend called and I explained that at that moment I was avoiding conversations with two people, one of which was literally someone trying to give me cookies, and yeah uh she mentioned that was anxiety in passing and I asked if she thought I had anxiety. Her response was like "I mean. I'm not sure - like, you have social anxiety for sure, but-"

And yeah like that's not the first time my close friends have told me that and it would make sense and everything I wrote above this is uh possibly depression and I really ought to go to the counseling center but I was gonna bring it up to the therapist my mom is taking me to to get tested for ADHD but that's in January and ugh. I'm too tired to deal with all of this.

Oh well. I'll end on a lighter note. My friend and I were discussing our personal styles earlier today and asked other friends for their descriptions of them. Mine was described as "butch but lazy" which is fair. Lazy comes up a lot in reference to my clothes. I want to change that, but 1. I am genuinely lazy and 2. I don't know how not to be. I avoided any feminine fashion advice my female relatives tried to give me, because it made me feel gross, but nobody has ever given me masculine or androgynous fashion advice until very recently. I am experimenting more with my expression, and I quite like it, but something still feels like it's missing.

I really want overalls. Good night.

Therapy (Updated 10/27/17)

Welll guess who broke down and finally got a therapist. C’est moi. and I finally found one that works for me! Double yay!

Sooo, guess who cried at therapy today. Again, c’est moi.

We talked about my parent’s marriage being one of the foundations of my being. The other being the house I currently live in.

I talked about how my parent’s marriage is not as great as it should be. Like, my mom was venting to me the other day how she is sick and tired of my dad not helping around the house as much as he could be. Mom also said she wasn’t feeling like she was married much less happy. So, hearing this was really not surprising in a way??? my dad is depressed so he has no energy for pretty much anything. But it was hurtful because I always want my parents to be happy and happy with each other. 

Like I understand that they’re adults and they should work it out among themselves because it’s their problem, not mine, but I still wanna do what I can to at least alleviate some of my mom’s stress.

My dad is getting better about helping around the house, but he’s very selective in what he does.

It’s like my mom is the personification of anxiety and my dad is depression. It’s kinda comical in a sense.

My therapist said that I should have the foundation within myself and not attached to something outside of it.

I’m scared of that tho??? like wtf else am I going to do??? I don’t wanna!

And to think we were gonna talk about a book my therapist wanted me to read the first 3 chapters of... like geez i’m going to college all over again wtf i thought i was done with that shit. =_=

Anyway, just talking about how unhappy my mom was just trying to keep the house in working order and my dad’s lack of interest in anything outside of woodworking and actually going to work is just straining to see.

I’ve had nightmares of my parents breaking up and finding new partners and I just proceed to make the new person’s life hell and sob uncontrollably. Same with my house, but being broken or damaged or I simply can’t go back to it causes me to sob and i just can’t stop crying.

My mom says that my dad and she are roommates and that’s the level it’s come to... yeah, it’s depressing and it’s not fair for either of them.

I’ve seen kids when their parents break up and i don’t want that. I never want to be a child of divorced parents. That never turns out well at all. That’s a real terror of mine.

I’m sure other painful topics are going to some up during the course of treatment, but this was a big step for me.

Lord did i need to ugly cry after that but I didn’t cuz i had to get back to work. I have my therapy sessions during my lunch hour on thursdays. put on my big girl panties and walked out like a champ, even though i still really needed to cry. 

So that’s what happened today. Nice to finally process it all. heard it was always good to keep a small diary of what you talk about in therapy. 

hears to the next session.

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UPDATE 10/27 - 

well it’s been a long time since i actually wrote something down here.

but this can’t wait for therapy next week.

I was talking to my therapist about my partner. I started talking about all her little quirks and things that I enjoyed about her.

Then we got to pet peeves. and HOLY FUCK.

None of them were huge, really but i’ve just been thinking about it and i can’t get it off my head until i write it out and process my feelings bout it.

My partner spends money on things I believe are not necessarily needed. She buys soda and candy all the time. of course it’s only like $3-4 but that shit adds up over the course of time! Most of what she buys are games, food, figures and nerdy stuff, gas, and obviously her student loans.

Food, gas, and student loans I understand. and by food i mean actual meals, not soda and some candy. Games and nerdy stuff isn’t needed but fucking hell it seems to me that if she doesn’t have it she’ll metaphorically die. like if something doesn’t go her way, she gets all pouty and sad for like 3 hours afterwards and be impossible to have a conversation with. 3 HOURS. I only get sad for MAYBE 10 seconds or maybe longer if it was something I truly wanted. But she acts like a child when something doesn’t go in her favor and that is UGH so frustrating because it’s childish behavior and not acceptable at the age she is at.

and i try to explain to her that she doesn’t have to spend money on things that she doesn’t actually need to fucking survive she would have a whole lot of money in her bank account right now rather than she literally living paycheck to paycheck. But hey it’s her money that she earned at her job so who am i to judge. it just pisses me off that she is constantly down on herself and whiny about not having money and me paying for mostly everything in this relationship but it takes everything in me to not yell at her to stop spending her money on games and figures and soda and candy cuz HOLY FUCK that would be devastating to her and i would feel terrible but FUCK she needs to grow up. and i know she reads this blog so i’m sure you’re upset right now but i couldn’t say it to your face because I wouldn’t be able to look at your face and how disappointed I am with some of your behavior and you’d cry and say sorry sorry sorry over and over and over again but don’t. just change your behavior IF YOU WANT TO. I cannot control you and it’s my problem that I HAVE. it has NOTHING to do with you. I just believe you’d have less money problems if you’d stop spending money on frivolous things and saving it for things you really want.

but i even have to take a grain of salt with my own reasoning because I’m literally willing to starve because i don’t want to spend money if i don’t have too.

and that’s what it comes down to. MONEY.

well and a few other things too, but money is a huge one.

but her child-like behavior is what i love and dislike about her. She’s adventurous, willing to take me off the path (much to my FUCKING CHAGRIN) and makes me question my own self-imposed rules. cuz i’ve only recently added getting my nails done at a salon for like 2 months or so -ish. but it’s like $30 a pop but they last for like a month so $30 x 12 months = $360 a YEAR. that’s like a plane ticket to see her. And I’m not wanting for money myself but UGH i just REALLY don’t like spending money if I don’t have to.

I remember not touching my $1200 laptop that i got for college because i believed I didn’t earn it.

and disliking her behavior was described earlier.

But I just want to reinforce that despite everything, she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I want to marry her, I want to bed her, I want to kiss her forever. and i’m sure she has pet peeves with me.

either way, this was a great therapy through it out into the ether, kinda thing

shes just stuck. shes looking for a full time job that will pay well and i’m helping her with that. she’s been wanting to learn coding but she states she’s too physically and mentally exhausted to learn, yet she works part time and she’d rather game than try and invest something into her future.

There’s just no balance in this relationship as expectations and that just discourages me about expecting at least something worthwhile and substantial out of her. and she wants to contribute but she’s held back and stuck whether true some fault of her own or the circumstances she can’t control.

But i can only do so much to motivate her to take control of what she CAN do and will do. She’ll have to make the decisions to start bettering herself.

I’m just afraid she never will or want to.

Cuz hey, she has a well off partner that could feasibly support both of them with relatively no extra effort.

But my partner is an adult and needs to learn how to fully act like one when the situation arises.

and I need to stop treating her like a child as well. not that i have, but deep down I feel that I coddle her whether I actually am or not is unknown objectively but yeah I feel deep down I treat her like a child because she’s not as serious as me as far as maturity and that ticks me off sometimes.

It’s a double edged sword, really. I really like her adventurous spirit but she lacks the initiative to go after what she wants, be it a mental hold back or physical impediment  I just see it as excuses cuz i know she is capable of doing things she wants to go after.

I just need to let it go. i can’t control her. Cannot control, cannot control, cannot control.