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#its something i do. im not proud of it but it happens
f1boistrash · 5 hours
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i have a name | l.s
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a/n: so this is an idea i had after the miami gp and its been stuck in my head so im finally writing it. there is some slight jos slander and reader is max's sister
summary: y/n verstappen drives for f1 academy. they find comfort in a certain american when the media gets too much
Your whole life you've always been Max's sister. You didn't hate your brother for it because it wasn't his fault. You hated the world for being so small minded. You hated your dad for not caring. His words stuck in your head like a broken record. 'You're overreacting Y/N. It's not a big deal. You need to grow up.'
But it was a big deal because why couldn't they be bothered to learn your name. Your accomplishments throughout your career always amounted to 'Max's sister' it was never 'Y/N Verstappen'. You were sure if they could your trophies would say that too.
Going into the F1 Academy you thought it'd be different. You were excited when you got the call. The first person you told was Max and he was even more excited than you, if that was even possible. You were at the forefront of the series, watching young girls across the world become interested in the sport you loved. Something you wished you had growing up.
The driving was great. The team was great. Everything was great except the media. Its the one thing you dreaded stepping into the spotlight more. You tried to develop a thick skin like your brother but it was difficult when you constantly got picked at.
"So, Y/N, great day today. You qualified third. How was it?" The interviewer asked.
"Yeah it was great. Obviously we'd prefer P1 but we're still happy with the result and looking forward to pushing it even more tomorrow." You replied, grinning at your result. It might not be front of the grid but you were still proud.
"Your brother Max had a phenomenal season last year. Can we expect the same this year?" And there it was. Your first interview of the weekend and it only took one question before they asked you about your brother. Normally you didn't mind talking about Max's accomplishments. You were so unbelievably proud of him. It's when they start talking about him when they should be asking you about your race and your season that you get annoyed.
You plastered on your fake smile, hoping no one saw the disappointment flash across your face. "It's hard to say what this year will bring but what I do know is that Max will give it his everything. Whatever happens though I'm still proud of him."
Before anymore questions about Max could be asked your manager made a sign that time was up. You thanked the interviewer and left the media pen. She gave you a run down of tomorrows schedule as you were now finished for the day. Your manager didn't need to ask if you were okay because she knew you weren't. Working with you for a few years meant she had learnt all your tells.
You thanked her for today before parting ways, leaving you alone. The night air was brisk but welcoming. You shut your eyes and sighed enjoying the silence. You were supposed to be meeting Max tonight yet you couldn't bring yourself to move. Not wanting to face him just yet.
It was late and you weren't expecting many people left at the grid. Especially the F1 drivers which was why you jumped when a voice broke the silence. "Y/N right?" Logan said, your stomach fluttered when you looked at him. You have never really spoken to Logan before, only seeing him in passing but you always thought he was cute. He also called you by your name and not 'Max's sister' which was a welcomed surprise, used to his friends calling you that. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."
"It's fine, just wasn't expecting anyone to be left at the track." You told him. You took in his appearance under the setting sun. He was in his Williams uniform, his hair slightly tousled from wearing his hat all day.
"Yeah, I was just heading out. Had to do a few tweaks before tomorrow. What are you doing here late?" He asked.
"Media." You grimaced. Logan laughed, understanding your reaction.
"That bad huh?"
"Yep." You nodded. "Talked about Max the whole time."
The two of slowly started walking towards the car you have rented this weekend. It was one of the few left in the parking lot. "Seriously? That's so shit." Logan said, shaking his head. It wasn't out of pity though, more like anger.
"You get used to it." You shrugged.
"You shouldn't have to though." He told you, pulling you both to a stop. His eyes, looking at you intensely making you nervous. "You were incredible out there today and I'll definitely be watching tomorrow as you get your first podium of the season."
"Wait, you watched qualifying?" You asked, surprised.
"Don't tell my trainer though." Logan grinned, winking at you making you laugh. It was a sound he could get used to.
"Well thank you Logan. It means a lot." You thanked him, coming to a stop when you reached the drivers seat door.
"You have a name, Y/N. Your not just Max Verstappen's sister and I hope you know that." He said, earnestly.
You don't know what came over you but you found yourself leaning up, pressing a kiss on Logan's cheek. "Thank you."
-x-
"You're late." Was all Max said as you walked through your hotel room door. You kicked off your shoes, walking further into the room seeing your brother lying on your freshly made bed scrolling on his phone.
"Don't you have a sim race or something?" You asked, shoving his feet off your bed trying to change the subject because what else can you say? The reason you were late was the slight breakdown you had about the interview and then you bumped into Logan. You couldn't exactly tell Max that.
He playfully stuck his middle finger up at you, knowing you were making fun of him. "How was your day anyway? Excited for tomorrow?"
"Yeah it was good." You lied. You liked that Max was oblivious sometimes because it meant you didn't have to talk about what people said about you. However, you also hated his obliviousness because sometimes you wanted your brother to comfort you. "Hopefully people won't get sick of the Dutch national anthem." You grinned at Max who laughed loudly.
You asked Max about his day and he told you about how confident he was with this years car, excited to see what he can get out of it. He carried on talking as you got out of your team uniform and into some comfy clothes when he quietened down.
"When were you going to tell me?" Max asked when you exited the bathroom. "About what the interviewer said?"
"It's fine Max." You said, avoiding his gaze on you by putting your clothes away. You were afraid if you looked at him the dam would break.
"It's not fine, Y/N." He huffed, his voice raising out of anger. It wasn't aimed at you though, Max would never raise his voice at you. "It was so unprofessional. Not to mention the commentators today couldn't even be bothered to learn your name. I'm going to do something about it."
Max's reaction reminded you of Logan's. You didn't think anyone would care this much. Especially someone who you never really had a conversation with before. You knew it was pointless to ask Max to leave it alone so you didn't bother. "Just please don't do anything stupid."
"When have I ever done that?" Max asked and you laughed. You would run out of fingers if you counted all the times Max did something stupid.
It was getting late and you and Max said your goodbyes, leaving you alone once again with your thoughts. Instead of the video on repeat in your head it was Logan's words. You reached over for your phone and unlocked it, going straight to instagram to find Logan's profile. You hit follow before going to his dms.
Y/N:
Thank you again for tonight.
His response was quick making your stomach flutter.
Logan:
You don't need to keep thanking me Y/N
Y/N:
I know
I enjoyed talking to you tonight
So thank you for your company 😊
Logan:
I enjoyed talking to you too 😊
I hope we can do it again some time
You were sure you were grinning like an idiot but you didn't care. You had fallen for the American and hard.
Y/N:
I would love to ☺️
Good luck for tomorrow Logan 💙
Logan:
Good luck Y/N 😊
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velvetjune · 2 months
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judging people who played alan wake 2 solely on if they loved the musical sequence or not
#alan wake 2#im joking around but also not#such a unique gaming experience that was incorporated w so much love and care#ive seen confusion here and there on why there’s even the musical chapter in-story#mostly when they performed at the game awards lol#but imo it was a great way for Mr Door to work together with the Old Gods and their mode of storytelling/communication (rock and roll!)#to try to tell Alan what’s happening to him to help him rise from the spiral#and of course there’s everything with how much Alan often restrains himself based on rules he imposed on himself#the dark place has its own power and rules with artists work but this was one way of#Alan essentially going ‘I know what’s happening here. I know the rules and I HAVE to do all this to save myself and my loved ones’#to which Mr Door/Old Gods go ‘you absolutely do not [throws Alan in musical]’#something something about how it helped put him in the mindset he was at the end of the game#to realize he could work w saga and not sacrifice Logan or Casey. that he’s not in a hopeless loop of destruction#but in a spiral with hopes of ascension and change#(basing this off the initial ending — haven’t finished the Final Draft)#alan wake#I don’t know if im making sense but that was my interpretation#my other explanation for the musical is that it’s there because it’s fucking awesome and creative#reminds me of the starkid ‘guy who didn’t like musicals’ with the confusion of the main character#(although hilariously it seems like Alan is proud of the musical even if he lives in a state of ‘wtf is happening’)#before my essays in the tags end want to say that the dark ocean summoning also deserves this love and I found it equally fun to ‘We Sing’
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martyrbat · 1 year
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true strength — batman secret files (2018) #1
(ID below cut!)
[ID: A short story with a guiding narration:
His knuckles ache with each blow, bone grinding into bone. The criminals shout what they always shout. And Superman comes from above. — We're shown Batman fighting against several men that are trying to overpower him. He blocks an attack as he strikes another man. Above him, in the far distance, Superman is soaring through the air to get to him and help.
Superman gives a speech. They've been friends for so long. Colleagues. Soldiers in the fight. Superman knows his soul, he says. He knows he's a good man, he says. — Now, in the safety of the Batcave, Batman sits in front of his computer desk. He's facing Superman, who's standing in front of him with his hand outstretched. He opens his fist to reveal what he's brought.
Inside the Phantom Zone there is an impossible universe. Inside the impossible universe is an impossible planet. On the impossible planet is a small, impossible rock. Platinum Kryptonite. — Bruce pushes his cowl off as Superman presents the radiant silver rock to him.
It gives you powers. Powers like Superman's. Superman tells him to touch it. “Just touch it, Bruce, just once, and it lasts a lifetime. Then you can fight as I fight, as you should fight. With true strength.” A smile. A whoosh. Superman leaves. — Superman leaves the Kryptonite on the desk before he departs. Bruce doesn't move any closer. He stares at it somberly, deep in thought.
He looks at the gift. His mind wanders. — A red-tinted multipanel sequence shows Bruce imagining a scenario if he did gain Superman's powers. A woman is being held hostage by the Joker. She has a gun pressed to her temple as she stares at Batman with fear. Silently begging him to help and to save her like how he's saved countless others. The Joker pulls the trigger. But before she can be another person he couldn't possibly save, Batman's eyes glow with red electricity. He vaporizes the bullet with heat vision before it can even finish leaving the barrel.
He keeps his hands at his side. His knuckles ache. At least two of them are broken. Footsteps echoing down the stairs. The smell of stirred milk and white sugar. A polite clearing of the throat. Alfred says nothing. Their routines are well established, words are unnecessary. — Bruce continues to stare intensely at the well-intended present as Alfred approaches him with a tray. Bruce finally tears his gaze away from the Kryptonite to look at his lifelong friend before looking down at the steaming teacup that Alfred hands him.
His hand shakes. His loose knuckles stab into his skin. He can’t hold on. He always has before. But now he can’t. — His hand continues to tremble and before he can take a single sip of the hot drink, the cup is shattering against the ground.
The pain is not great. Not as great as it has been. Not as great as a bullet burrowing, or a back breaking, or a knife sinking into his throat. This is nothing. But still. His knuckles ache. — Bruce grabs his own gloved hand, cradling the back of his broken knuckles. He looks up and quietly asks, “Alfred. Am I enough?”
END ID]
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transmechanicus · 1 year
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It is sunday night. I remain exhausted.
#my stuff#i tried everything this weekend and nothing is healing my Existential Ambivalence#like i know i cooked and i saw friends and i did my hobbies and normally i'd be proud of myself for all that but i just...don't care#i wanna call out sick or something tomorrow. I'm worried about my finances and i genuinely think im gonna have to move somewhere cheaper#like i was expecting my tax return to offset the slow bleed of money from my savings each month and that Is Not Happening#And its not like i have any way to Make More Money#bc im a grad student and we're contractually prevented from doing so#So that means i'll need to move when my lease is up this summer and i really don't fucking want to#i like where i live i just wish it wasn't so goddamn expensive on rent#even like $200 cheaper would be world changing for me#but no instead i gotta look at my bills after power and car insurance and food and be like oops guess i lost $100 this month#and god forbid i get coffee or eat out in the cheapest way possible bc somehow that adds up to like $100 the second i look away#im sick of being anxious about this!! im not eating enough as it is!!#i also don't wanna get a fucking roommate bc i don't want someone in a space i've come to consider my own#like sorry but im transgender do not fucking look at me stranger#so the only real solution is to move and that's such a fucking hassle and it doesn't solve the problem now and i just want this to get bettr#i wish all students a very $2000 raise forever#and all landlords a very Scrooge Moment that makes you cut my rent in half#ave omnissiah
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iftitah · 5 months
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i think im getting better at living in the moment
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juleteinthrum · 11 months
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Can you belIEVE ME. ZIM(a trauma holder) would have a fucking trauma response(im a trauma holder)?! UNFATHOMABLE (i carry the majority of the bodily trauma including emotional shit).
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theood · 1 year
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s/o 2 my cousin for actually having my.back and lying to my.mom abt if im on anything. Real actual mvp thanks for that ily keep it up
#elias howls#moms asking if im on anything#girl i fucking tried 2 get you to be ok with me being on T I asked and offered to let tou go with me first appt to ask questions and you go#t all uppity and 'oh no no dont change your body :((( no thats scary for me and it makes me sad! no dont change the body I gave you!'#like. gosh. i wonder why I did it behind your back. thats a real thinker. might need a college professor or even a team of experts for this#like. damn! 7 times comimg out where you ignore the coming out part and seem real uncomfortable when I voice youre hurting me. i want to lo#ve you. i want you in my life but ypu makw it so fucking hard. like ive thought abt going low contact when I move out. thatd hurt you so m#uch and I dont wanna but what other choices do i have when you want to see the person whos dead? *im* here. look at me. see me. say my name#. Elias. It isn't hard#like ok w/e im losing all my family once I move out and im even more loud and proud and me itz fine it doesn't weigh me down at all haha#ive been thinking a lot recently. i dont think my memere will taks the news well. shes so fucking important to me. if I lose her in my life#? yeah. i don't know. but its probably gonna happen. andni havent prepared myself for it at all bc i want to believe she loves me for me bu#t. i don't know. im everyone's little girl. i can't be anything else. a blessing to my family. and im tainting her image by declaring mysel#f as something as unhoyl as a transsexual. what a curse. what a blight to the family.
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captainimprobable · 2 years
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feeling more and more existential dread the closer I get to my birthday 
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beaversatemygrandma · 2 years
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I’m watching an informative thing on the No Child Left Behind Act and whatnot, and I’m now suddenly aware of what exactly those teachers meant when they said that I skewed their test results just enough to save the school from shutting down.
Like, when i was in 3rd grade, i moved from a city with proper school funding to a small farm town in the middle of nowhere with Very Little funding. Like a school with 35 or so kids per grade, and maybe 120 total. Small enough that one kid Could Indeed alter the averages. I passed their standardized tests with flying colors bc most of that 3rd grade stuff was stuff i learned in previous years just now with the addition of multiplication and such. And well, due to the laws related to the No Child Left Behind Act, if the school wasn’t preforming well enough, its funding gets cut and slowly but surely gets to the point where it may have to shut down. (Yes, this is half the reason why schools in the US are awful.) As it turns out, that school was on its last legs and it was getting ready to shut down and transfer all of its kids to the city twenty miles away. Me and two other kids aced the test which skewed the average enough to leave them safe for the next two years. (I got them competitive bc I threatened their top student role tbh, the weird part is I was at most a B-average student when put into a proper school.) 
Anywho. That’s how I kept a town with a population of 800 keep its only elementary school because of an act from the government that was only put in place because America was too low in education averages in comparison to the rest of the world. (It got worse, btw. Shocking I know. /s)
#taks speaks#i also learned how the military recruiters got my personal info in high school#this act apparently had a thing in it that required schools to literally give that out#which turns into a metaphorical dodging of bullets in high school#now if thats not fucked up idk what is#but now i know the reality of some things that happened over 15 years ago#but good news about that school i managed to somehow save. the fave math teacher everyone had is now the principal#so good for him. he was a great teacher#its also still open to this day and im proud of that little village#they got everything together despite the gov literally trying to kill them and they did GREAT#it was also the first school that decided that there was something off about me and brought in a therapist#good on them. that's how my mom learned i have adhd. and then proceeded to hide it from me til i was 17#it was a good school. it didn't deserve all that stuff#its odd seeing the different types of education between cities vs villages vs towns#and the difference between states#what i was doing in that city in 2nd grade was equal to like middle school in the town#im talking literary analysis that literally made me cry after reading a question#only the town and village were normal when it came to elementary school stuff#and THEN when i moved to FL history wasn't even part of the curriculum til middle school#i can't remember the city history stuff but according to my sister its there and well#but in the village. i got the best history classes. the village used to be a booming city after the civil war and well: history.#in FL you could assume that bc it was a history based town they assumed the kids would learn about it just from being there#but thats very much wrong. the history stuff out there was a tourist trap#the history stuff in the village was civil war cemeteries fifty feet from the school#like just a normal part of every day. early america was literally that area#these comparisons still baffle me tbh#like why doesnt FL teach kids history? and why was it so strong in VA? and why was NC so focused on critical thinking?#tho critical thinking is the most useful. even if it was given at a young enough age that it was incapable of being learned#and then critical thinking in FL only being introduced to honors students in middle school? and ONLY HONORS.
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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
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I wanna post about my recovery + ramble in tags at the same time but I'm not motivated enough to come up with a mediocre yandere post rn , so just know that my life is going?? Somewhat good in terms of romance
#mine#💿#i can only ramble in tags. posts feel too official im shy</3 i feel like tags are less likely to show up on search engines as well...#just forever paranoid about the blog being discovered you know how it goes. personal stuff (proceeds to post it online)#in the general scheme of things im doing alright. tho im currently obsessed with a game instead of a man so idk if that counts#feels like im just waiting for an important event to happen. like ill have a great life changing thing but rn im just in limbo. waiting!#i dont mind it because i take joy in the small things in my day to day life but i feel like i should be doing bigger things. doing more#hell. BEING more. theres lots of cookie cutter paths i could take but none of them fit the mould im making yk. its boring.#on one hand im proud of myself for being able to stay focused on my interests instead of wasting time on a guy who doesnt care abt me#like i still am doing that a Little Bit but its not as detrimental to my daily life as it used to be. like its fine now#on the topic of.. him. we dont really talk much but i feel theres sort of a weird air between us now and he could tell i was in the yanzone#im not too broken up about it because i repeatedly told myself this would happen n i knew it would but everythings okay as it is rn#i still do admire him but not as intensely. the moment he stops hinting at even the possibility he could be interested my attention drops#i want to be everything but at the same time i want to be nothing. i want to be god and the earth and the sun and death and disease.#im working up to being perfect but at the same time i know no such thing exists so meanwhile im just. working up. to SOMETHING#i want everyday of my life to be an adventure. at the same time im much too tired for that. guess thats why i stick with emotional trifles#im not in love with him or anything. its the same as everyone else. like various dials in a lab that i have to keep below 50#or else bad things will happen. like a scientist with anxiety. its like i be insane for a little while and the dial goes down#but any others could easily skyrocket because i find little things i adore about one person and latch onto them!!! like art#i feel im the most socially acptble level of yandere out of them all rn. in insanity specifically tho. in othr aspects im still weird#the power of autism is condemning me from learning proper social skills but by god i am TRYING my hardest n learning new things#i sit around waiting but atleast im building skills while doing it. part of what life is about i guess!#you come for the yandere content and then i just post philosophical rants. a tragedy most awful to those who can relate#but im okay with it as long as these strange lengthy rambles help me recover better!! no problem at all. one day i will be better#tl;dr i havent found love yet but im not miserable either. trying to improve myself through numerous mental quarrels n experience
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mothocean · 3 months
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Girl help i am having grievances over my art major final project
#idk i just keep thinking about how i had a grand spectacular plan for it and then. well. *gestures around* all of this happened#and like at the end of it it feels like everyone else managed to achieve their spectacular plans and make something amazing#while i just. failed#and i am picking myself back up and i am making something!! even if its not what i planned originally it should still be good enough!!#but i guess im having a hard time reconciling with it. being proud of it#like in previous years we had multiple projects to work on all with clear deadlines and so if one thing i mad didn't turn out right#at least i had everything else i made#but now.. because of everything and just. yeah. i have one thing to show and im not 100% satisfied with it#i still have a week or so and in that time im going to make it into the best thing it can be#but its not what i wanted it to be and its still inferior to everyone else's projects#and i know that doesn't matter on the technical scale and that i'm going to get graded on what *i* did regardless of what everyone else did#but like. when they put up the exhibition people are going to see my work next to everyone else's works#and they're gonna see that what i made is far less... impressive#and like. i dont even know if what i made is good enough! if it's not too obvious or too vague#if people are going to get it or if they're gonna think it's dumb#i don't know!! and my art teachers already warned me against putting too much text next to my works so like#i can't even explain myself lol#i am going to probably make a lil design document thing and put it up next to the works themselves#but like. idk if they're gonna let me do that#i don't know!! i will keep working on it and i will try to mold it into something i can be sorta satisfied with#but like. i cant help but mourn what it could've been#roseflower.txt#vent cw#rant cw
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sludgeguzzler · 4 months
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ive been papercrafting for 7 hours.....
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i wish that just by existing as a trans person i wasn't opening myself up to harassment and risk
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meebspace · 9 months
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GRUUUAAGGGGGG part 2 idk
#i genuinely do not know ehy i dont just end it because what's the point?#i dont see the possibility of the world. i dont see the love in everything anymore. im not enough just existing like i thought i was#obviously im not#and in some way i feel like all of it was deserved because why would it keep happening if it wasnt? why would i have stayed in this sort of#weird thing if i was? ive lost so many of my friends for the same reasons- for me being a bad friend.both my parents and some family thinks#im underachieving and its like.. maybe i AM just bad. maybe i AM just worthless and talentless and have no future#why would i be here if those werent true??????#i just#im just trying to work and get myself together so im less of a burden- so finally my dad wont complain about me and so finally i wouldnt hav#e to leech off everyone i know. and at that point why even work when it can just all be over asap (if i could get over my fear of death)#i dont even want to talk to peopl about it anymore because it just worries them or makes me look stupid and immature#like people have to tire of constant emotionally oppressive venting at some point#and i cant get medicated because they always dismiss me with anxiety. and i dont have a counselor just because i dont have time in my schedu#le for that. so it feels really demotivating and really pointless. but not seeking those makes me feel like im just a useless wallower?#idk. im gonna pick up another job anyways. maybe I'll just work so much that i can be dead to the world with the illusion of being success#ful or something. maybe then i wont be such a failure of a human being and they can be proud of me
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kiwiorcore · 10 months
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anticipatory grief is so painful
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mrfoox · 10 months
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Oliver: and now you get... Touched? Because you think Fabian is so great for having moved from home?
Me, wiping tears off my face: yes, I'm so proud of him
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