#sorry to vent in the tags ignore me lol
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Oh my goodness! Good luck with your dress fitting tomorrow. You’re going to look so lovely in your wedding dress!!! 💕
🥺💕thank u so much I am so excited!! Nervous too lol but I am so grateful I am so full of feelings it’s overwhelming 🥹 🩷 I never thought I would be where I am. It’s almost surreal. I will post pics when it’s over, most likely!
#he deserves the world. I want so badly to give him that. I feel like I fall short constantly#I am burdenous and I want to be better. I want to be the spouse he deserves. I know I can do it. it’s just hard.#I want to face the hard things head on. instead of burying my head in the sand.#it’s like I take a step forward and three steps back.#I am so frustrated with myself. if I could kick my own ass I would.#I just wanna b a good wife.#I am going to do my damnedest. 2024 is the year I fix me.#sorry to vent in the tags ignore me lol#ask#asks#peculiar—princess#my post#thank u so much kinslee I appreciate u sm <3 I hope ur day is lovely
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anyway in an absolutely wild turn of events I think I’m free of my hideous job and like. substantially richer for it??? lmao 2023 you really owed me
#ok so this a lot of personal shit but I’m just gonna incredulously vent into the tags#like I don’t even know how to describe what 2023 in this job has been like lol#since April they’ve been insulting and scrutinising and scapegoating me over absolutely everything#they were really angling for just firing me outright for never measuring up to their constantly shifting and increasingly bizarre goalposts#and it got so personal man they kept insisting that it wasn’t but my god#then my dad gets sick and it suddenly becomes awkward for them to keep insulting and overworking me#so they switch to just ignoring me entirely so they don’t have to reckon w what me and my family are going through#like they never ask how he is or how things are going just every Friday they say hey do you reckon you can take more work on again?#and THEN I get a gut infection and suddenly im being guilt tripped for taking sick leave and pestered for evidence#it was giving like ‘we had to give you time off for your dad but now you’re taking the piss’#to the point I DID reach out to a third party at the company and was like ‘I’m sorry but why the fuck are they treating me like this’#and she was like ‘confidentially this is disgusting and I advise you to report it’#WHEN SUDDENLY I get back from sick leave and it’s like ‘the business is falling short so we have to make some redundancies….’#and now they’ve had to pay me a SUBSTANTIAL sum to fuck off!!! I think I win???#like I was so close to quitting but thank god I didn’t because now I’m getting a sweet deal to fuck off with no notice lmao#i leave end of the month#at first I was shocked like y’all really doing this now??? but suddenly I’m like. this is the best possible thing that could’ve happened#I spoke to that third party again and she was like ‘I am so happy for you’ like omfg it was a curveball but we’ll take it!!!#I’m fucking outta here and in due course I WILL be writing on glassdoor how fucked they are
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Aaulj9hihghjk is this anything to you
#remd original#tf2#scout tf2#tf2 scout#sorry for the uh#not beign very active on here nor posting or rebloging stuff#i been having a streak of opening tunblr and seeing all those amazing artists and instantly closing the app#i dont like to vent much but like#beign a scout kinnie is fun an all until you get the mindset of 'im so fucking good at this look at me!'#and nobody looks or enjoys or shares the thing you do so you get all like angry about it#i genuinely get angry at seeing popular artists of the fandom those days lol#been trying to change that but not having great luck#oh god ignore those tags
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I was gonna try to write some stuff today, but things have come up. I have so many drafts and requests to work through, everyone who’s sent in a req has amazing ideas that I absolutely love. I’m sorry I’m not able to post anything. 💜💜
#ultravioletrayz#im so tired#and sorry#the struggle is real#my mum’s a bitch#but i love her#…sometimes#I need to update my request guidelines#so I’ll do that i guess#does anybody even read the tags?#if so ignore me lol#currently dying#I need to vent so bad#but im holding back#𖤓violets are blue𖤓
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idk what the fuck is wrong with me. lol
vent in. tags
#dark pearls#uhh udk whwt to put here. idkm#vent#s/h#self harm#idk if thatd enough tags to hide it sorry#part of me is mad at myself for not cutting#part of me is mad at myself for cutting#the former always wins lol i. keep. going back to it#sorry its. hard to ignore sometimes#i dont know if i will make it a fourth day#part of me hopes i dont.#sorry.#edit.#didnt make it a fourth day.#not surprising
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teehee :3c
#forgive me it was 12 am when i saw the ask and i guess i was rlly tired and eepy already#sorry to anyone who saw my midnight vent abt some anon i probably shouldve just deleted it and go to sleep ;;#but i wanted to set boundaries that my shitpost got nothin to do with any canon bs and that im just some guy with a batman pfp who make art#and thank you to the people who left me messages it does make me feel kinda bad abt venting but nah its cheering me up actually#sorry if i dont reply im dont know what to reply im just glad that you guys enjoy my shit and are here to support me im grateful#and ily all <3#ask box is still open but please please be nice or idk be silly? just dont be mean and an ass#ive made a post abt this before already and its regarding proshippers and mean asks. dont be a creep dont be a jerk block me if you can#it aint that hard#button's right there#set boundaries for yourselves too man idk who you are or what ur into#i dont like you then im ignoring ur ass and blocking u. you should try it instead of sending weird and mean shit#anyways bye#enjoy this long ass tag lol
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sometimes i think i would be better as a human being if i stopped yapping just to yap
#i think all ppl think that tbh T-T#me when i italk in a gc like All the time bc i am a social individual and no one responds but when someone that talks once a millennia talk#everyon is online !!#like im easy i get it but damn </3 I just want a conversation#i love my one friend that lets me yap all the time#if shes tired she will tell me !! and she allows me to continue and she will check our texts when she feels good again#thats all i need tbh#ignoring me feels so T-T#im sorry for talking RAA i just want to talk#i love her so much she is my soulmate we were made for eachother#right time right person vibes#i love her !!!!#i love anyone that will listen to me talk#i could go on forever i have soososo many thoughts in my head#but also im stupid so#kal rambles#this is kind of self deprecative !!! deprecating ?? idk how to say do i have to tag that#tw vent#is a better tag me thinks#but im too embarrassed to acc post the vent so it will stay in the tags LOL#vent tw#just in case !!!!#im just sad bc ive read too many sad nieyao fics n i have exams tmrw i think#but also my other friend got a dg#DOG#and im happy for her yay but also i wanna dog !!!!!#also she did lowk completely ignore me talking abt my dance thing when she said that which ok >:I#im just petty LOL#ise if u see this no u didn't !!!!! u know too many ppl ik irl for u not to figure out who I'm referencing to lolol so stay away !!!!#also omg ill just continue being embarrassing here
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.
#im just so devastated and defeated by every fucking thing i see or read lately idk how anyone is able to ignore the state of the world rn#im trying so hard to not fall into a hopeless spiral bc i KNOW its not productive or healthy. but my god the way some people dgaf ??#and i feel guilty for feeling this way bc i know i will never experience even a fraction of the suffering palestinians are going through.#but god my mental health lately just from seeing everything and seeing the apathy from people i thought were good people is soul crushing#yeah idk is anyone else feeling this or is it just me lol#i dont wanna take a break from being online bc i know thats the only way to spread awareness and debunk misinfo#but i think i need to start being more liberal with the block/mute buttons#sorry to anyone who read these tags this is just a stupid vent post bc i feel like i cant talk about this with anyone lol
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i love when tinnitus makes me have an existential crisis
#i blame my fucking old drum teacher#he never had me wear ear protection#8 years of that will fuck up your ears#honestly i’m lucky it’s not worse it’s ignorable in everyday life and i still have my whole range of hearing#but it’s still distressing especially when it’s quiet like when#i’m trying to sleep#sleep posting#sorry for venting in the tags lol
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dhhdgs. the debate on whether to make a doctor appt over this pain, or continue living with it because ill likely be ignored about it again……..
#pain -#medical talk -#ask to tag -#id make this hidden under a cut or smth but im currently on mobile#anyway#its so difficult to get out of bed and get up from the floor lately#hell it doesnt just hurt to get out of bed it hurts to get in it too and lay down lol#im hurting all over but my back and legs are the fucking worst lmao#theyve ignored my side pains and exhaustion so i guess back/leg pains or allover pains in general would just go overlookes too#fuckin ouch though 🥲#sucks even more when its slightly more prominent on my left side#and my left leg keeps painfully falling asleep on me after not even sitting that long dhdhd#pins and needles babey#anyway sorry to vent here i just need to yell somewhere about this pain since ill likely never get any help for it#even if i try
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spending my days lately wishing that i felt like i was in an "inner circle", wasting my time between coming home and eating dinner, wishing for something that may never happen, wondering if im outgrowing things that i thought would be permanent
#sorry about to vent in tags just ignore it lol#aka i have been sad most of the time with brief glances at how love feels#i feel so alone most of my days now. surrounded by people im supposed to connect with but ultimately#i just feel insulated. isolated.#the ups are so short and the downs are so long and i get so desperate for someone to love me like i used to be loved#is it wrong to want someone to talk to me judt because they like me. is that so much to ask.#to not feel like i have to break through a wall just so i can hear someone say they liked an idea i had#or they thought something i said was funny#i dont know. i want to feel loved again. i want someone to love me the same way i love people.#maybe the way i love is wrong
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Low Effort
Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader
Requested: no
Summary: Y/N gets a surprise visit, which triggers some unpleasant symptoms
Word Count: 1k+
Tags/Warnings: mentions of stomach cramps, slight allusion to anxiety, negative emotions
A/N: Long time no see! This is a thing I needed to get off my chest and needed to get the emotions out, so it’s just some Jay comfort/fluff. Also, a warning that I haven’t written in so long, this kind of feels a bit meh, so I hope I haven’t lost too much of my writing touch LOL
JAY HALSTEAD MASTERLIST
You closed your laptop shut, just as your phone lit up with a notification about a new message from Jay.
Sorry, got held up. 10 minutes. Tops.
You smiled, typing a quick response of acknowledgment to tell him not to hurry before you got up, grabbing your bag. You were too fried to continue anything else so you figured you would just go and wait for him. Fresh air was better than whatever was coming through the office vents.
As the glass doors of the main entrance on the first floor slid open and you felt the chill of the Chicago winds hit your face, you sighed. Fresh air was definitely better.
“Y/N.”
You glanced up, your eyebrows naturally bunching together at the sound of a woman’s voice.
As your eyes met hers, you froze for a moment, your brain still processing the fact that she was here.
“Amy?” Her name slipped past your lips before you could stop yourself, even though the only emotion you were feeling at this moment was surprise. There was nothing positive or negative about it.
Amy could feel it in your voice as well. “Can we talk? I’ve missed you.”
You frowned as a cramp shot through your lower abdomen.
“I thought we were better friends than this. Low-maintenance, remember?” Amy said, and you could hear the tone in her voice, the one she used when she was upset or disappointed.
The feeling of indignation shot through you once again.
“Yeah, low maintenance, not low effort.”
Your voice was low but you didn’t let the emotion sway it. You spent years telling yourself that it was just a low-maintenance friendship, that you were both just busy, but you couldn’t ignore the way she’d reappear in front of you only when she needed your support, or when the guy she was seeing was out of town.
You glanced up at the street but hadn’t seen Jay’s car yet.
You exhaled. “Look, Amy. You have your priorities, I get it. Just don’t expect me to drop mine when you blow back into town or when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. It doesn’t work that way.”
You felt the cramps intensify and knew what it was. You called it “emotional cramps” with Jay, joking that as long as he kept you happy you’d be fine. Yet, here they were again. Maybe it was because you hadn’t had them in a while, you felt them more intensely now.
You put a hand on your stomach as you looked up at Amy. As expected, she had an indignant look on her face.
“How could you say that, Y/N? I know the fact that I was seeing Trevor was a sore spot with you because you weren’t seeing anyone so I didn’t want to make things harder for you. But now…”
You couldn't even respond as the pain ripped through you once again and you bent forward slightly, your knees buckling a little. You braced yourself for the impact of your knees hitting the concrete sidewalk when you felt his arms around you.
“Babe, what’s wrong?”
Jay.
Amy seemed stunned for a moment before she spoke again, “It must be her…”
“Why’s it acting up?” Jay asked, his entire focus on you as you glanced up at him and quietly shook your head.
Jay glanced up at Amy. They didn’t know each other since you’d met Jay sometime after contact between you and Amy had dwindled to almost nothing. By the time you and Jay had started dating, you’d made up your mind to let go of Amy and this friendship, and it had merely nagged at you a little at the back of your mind from time to time so you hadn’t brought her up.
“Come on, we’re going to Med,” Jay said quietly, pulling you upright.
You glanced at him. “Don’t you dare carry me,” You warned.
Despite the worried look in his eyes, Jay smiled. “We’re going to Will.” He repeated, almost like he was daring you to argue.
You didn’t argue. Partly because all you wanted to do was get out of there but partly because you knew it was useless. Besides, the pain was more intense than you remembered.
Without a second glance back, Jay helped you into the car and drove off, both of you leaving Amy still standing on the sidewalk.
You knew what had triggered the attack, so after getting medication for the pain and cramping, you’d been feeling much better.
“You know I’d be feeling even better if you would stop hovering, Detective.” You said, directing the comment at your boyfriend.
Will smiled as he tapped on the iPad in his hand and glanced at his brother. “She’s fine. Her tests are normal, and it was probably just a one-off stress-related attack.”
You nodded. “I’ll follow up with my therapist, I promise.”
Will ruffled your hair affectionately and you growled because he knew you hated it.
“I’ll get the discharge started.”
Jay was quiet as he leaned over you, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “You sure you’re okay?”
You nodded, before you glanced back down.
“Amy’s an old friend.” You said, after a while. "At least, she was."
Jay didn’t say anything, so you continued, telling him about how Amy was when she started dating anyone, and it only progressively got worse. “And it’s not about seeing her often, you know? It’s just…”
Jay nodded. “You didn’t feel like she cared.”
You sighed quietly. “I just… it got to a point where I realized she didn’t care. I was a friend when she needed me, and when she didn’t, I just… didn’t exist. And apparently, to her, that’s me being sore.”
Jay just took your hand in his, gently stroking your fingers.
“But I just realized it was better to have no one than to be treated that way, so I just…”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me,” Jay said quietly. “Listen, someone who gives you low effort doesn’t deserve you. I don’t care who they are. Anyone who makes you feel this way doesn’t deserve even one percent of you.”
You looked up at him and smiled, a little sadness hidden behind it.
“I guess seeing her today just brought it all back, you know? And then it triggered all those emotions and then my stomach cramps decided to join the party.” You made a face.
Jay smiled quietly back at you. “But you know what? You’re not alone. At least not anymore.”
You smiled and leaned forward for a hug. Jay perched by the edge of the bed, pulling you gently into his arms and you buried your face into his shoulders, feeling his arms encircle your entire body.
“I know.” You whispered.
Jay kissed the top of your head. “Good.”
THANK YOU FOR READING!! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THIS!!
If you want to support me, buy me a coffee!
#resa.fics#jay halstead#jay halstead x reader#chicago pd#chicago pd x reader#jay halstead imagine#jay halstead oneshot#jay halstead fanfiction#jay halstead x you#jay halstead x y/n
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Heyyyy…
hey im still figuring out what i wanna be called but for now u can call me Jamie if u want
I’m genderfluid as fuck [they/she/he or whatever idegafatp]
some typa aroace spectrum probs grayace & demiromantic also omniromantic - in general I have nothing figured out
so a simp w like a slight preference for men ig but kinda ace most of the time but sometimes very not
neurospicy bitch
minor but adults can follow/interact idc tbh
writing request status: OPEN FOR MICROFICS RN
I’m a rosekiller loverrr but also a multi shipper so u never know what ur gonna see ig [but probably Rosekiller, Wolfstar, Dorlene, Starchaser maybe some sunkiller if I’m in the mood etc]
for the record just bc I don’t ship smth doesn’t mean I support hating it even as a joke [translation: prongsfoot is chill leave them be]
if u don’t like smth, just ignore it, if u send me hate I’ll reply w shitty jokes probs
my dream job is to be an actor [screen actor specifically]
Media I like:
Fav TV stuff: Challengers, Gravity Falls, Cruella, 10 things I hate about you, into the spiderverse
Fav author is @neil-gaiman also that man is my idol so I’ll probs reblog him a shit ton [do u think he’ll like…mind that I tagged him? Sorry if this bothered u Neil!!!]
Music [uhhh changes all the time tbh but for rn]: The Neighbourhood, Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray [Kid Krow phase rn], Chappell Roan, Renée Rapp, Green day, Ricky Montgomery, NOAHFINNCE, MARINA and Hozier
Spider-Man. Fucking love Spider-Man.
One thing to note about me tho: obvi I love recommendations but I find starting literally any new forms of media really fucking daunting for no reason [this is everything: songs, movies, books etc]
e.g. I fucking love spider verse but I still haven’t watched movie 2, same w latest season of young royals, same with even like ONE song alone I find it rlly hard and really scary
so if u give me recommendations and I don’t get back to u about them for ages it’s not bc I forgot or i was ignoring u but bc I find it scary so pls be patient :)
also same w please don’t like assume I’m knowledgeable about like any of the music artists I named earlier bc tbh I don’t rlly listen to artists I listen to songs [im still a fan of a lot of music artists ofc but the artists I listen to ≠ the artists I’m a fan of]
HI! welcome to my crazy blog, I love making friends im not at all scary I promise :D
Btw my inbox is ALWAYS open for spam, ship ramblings [even if it’s not smth I ship], info dropping about ur hyperfixations, venting, questions etc. [the only thing is no illegal ships bc it will be ignored]
also sorry pre warning im shit with the inbox chains [‘send this to ten people who…’] so often I won’t answer those sorry, anything else I will make sure to answer but the chains I sometimes just forget about sorryyy
Barty Crouch Jr & James Potter kinnie
got a FAT crush on Evan Rosier [he’s the loml he just doesn’t know it yet] and also a crush on Dorcas Meadowes
I write sometimes:
I fell for you like glitter on stage - rosekiller band au, this was a microfic series on tumblr that I posted on ao3 for convenience [words: 4548] [this is my fav thing I’ve ever written lol]
we are all just prisoners here of our own device - Jegulus, a oneshot on ao3 based on the song ‘hotel California’ by the eagles. [Words: 6162]
Oh where do we begin? The rubble or our sins? - ON HIATUS. Roman Empire Jegulus au with side Rosekiller, Wolfstar and Pandalily on ao3 [words: 6141] [currently I don’t want to write Jegulus - the hyperfixation hath faded]
also I’m in a marauders RP as Barty and u shld follow it bc we’re all super cool and funny and amazing and awesome and yeah @bartythebabygorljr
tags you’ll see on my page:
me and my old black biro > writing tag
Im in love with that Rosier boy > [this is a new one] me having a massive crush on Evan Rosier
the most boring soap opera > my life tag
I have an online diary called @miseryoforpheus if ur fascinated by my charming and irresistible personality
[The song at the bottom of my intro post changes all the time depending on how I’m feeling]
THIS BLOG SUPPORTS PALESTINE
THIS BLOG STANDS WITH UKRAINE
THIS BLOG THINKS JK ROWLING HAS A NEGATIVE QUANTITY OF BRAINCELLS
#intro post#new intro post bc my last one was kind of shitty#rosekiller#marauders#slytherin skittles#Spotify
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Can I have an emergency request?
I don't want to seem like I'm venting, but recently I feel like somethings wrong with my family. My mom works midnights by herself to support all of us, my dad has a breathing condition and cant work and lately they've been fighting so much more than they used to and bringing me and my brothers into it. They've been cursing each other out and my parents have always or at least for a long time been very Cristian so hearing them do that scares me. On top of that my mom is verbally abusive to me and my dad loves to guilt trip me and my brothers and they except me to pick sides and honestly I just can't wait till I've saved a enough and learned the language to move to another country.
Today I was trying to catch up on some things and my parents where fighting and my mom stormed out of the house and drove off which she has never done and im just really scared and stressed now and I just want some comfort maybe with Giyuu, Sanemi, or Hantengus' clones (platonic or romantic) who get home and reader / S/O is just crying and struggling to breath because they're parents are constantly trying to bring reader into they're own problems and reader feels like everything is always their responsibility and they just break down
# sanemi shinazugawa & hantengu clones (sekido & aizetsu)
tags : gn!reader, soft sanemi, i’ve never written for the hantengu clones so if they seem ooc just ignore it lmao, angst, comfort, not proofread.
a/n : alright since the clones are a lot i decided to write for only two of them 😭 i hope that’s fine anyway… i’m sending you a big hug and i hope everything gets better <3
SANEMI SHINAZUGAWA
sanemi would help you calm down and invite you to breathe with him
that way you would feel a tiny bit better
then he would wipe your cheeks and fill you with sweet words, trying his best to get you to relax
then he would hold you close to his chest and ask you if you want to talk about it
he won’t judge you, just be there to comfort you the best he can
sanemi would caress your hair, your back, your face, peppering your face with kisses
“it’s gonna be okay, i promise,” he would whisper into your ear, holding you to his chest
SEKIDO
man would see red (lol) the moment he notices you crying
would get close to you and help you calm down
“yeah, breathe in and out like this.”
once you’re calm enough he would try his best to comfort you
reluctant but would hug you and caress your head slowly
“wanna talk about it?” his tone would be gentle even if he’s annoyed that someone or something made you cry
once you open up, he would lowkey think about murdering your parents ngl
he would hold you until you’re completely calmed and feel a bit better
AIZETSU
would probably cry with you while holding you into his arms
of course he would help you calm your breathing, as he doesn’t want to make you feel suffocated
he needs to make sure you’re comfortable with him holding you
“i’m so sorry darling, so sorry,” his voice is soft but full of sorrow (well)
i hc him to be super touchy so he would surely hold you close and keep his head close to yours
sometimes he would kiss your cheeks and look at you with tears in his eyes as you open up to him
“oh darling . . . i pity you,” he genuinely feels bad for your situation, “but i promise you it will be okay.”
reblogs & comments are super appreciated! thank you for taking your time reading it, i hope you enjoyed it. have a good day / night <3
#📂 — writing !!#sorry if it’s short but i felt bad for keeping u wait so …#sanemi shinazugawa x reader#sekido x reader#aizetsu x reader#sanemi shinazugawa imagine#sanemi shinazugawa fanfic#sekido imagine#sekido fanfic#aizetsu imagine#aizetsu fanfic#kny sanemi#kny sekido#kny aizetsu#kimetsu no yaiba#kimetsu no yaiba fanfic#demon slayer#demon slayer fanfic
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Do you happen to have any sort of positivity post for fictives who lost their source, or it shut down, etc stuff like that? Or just some advice?
We recently found a figure of a character from an anime and mobile game we used to love back in ~2020/2021/2022 somewhere in there. It reminded us of it... and it alerted me to the presence of her. The character from that figure is actually with us. Upon putting her into simply plural, I went to find something to use as a profile picture. Only to find a reddit post that says "day 3 of drawing [source name] until EN shuts down" from sometime last year. Looking it up, it turns out the game was shut down about a year ago. I can feel she is feeling a lot of grief about it--and especially as she is probably still feeling a bit confused about everything if she is newly formed. I don't know the best way to approach this, as I myself just formed a few days ago.
Feel free to give advice if you have any, but it's alright if not.
-@cloverstarsys (the tag on our blog isn't giving us notifications right now tho so in just gonna tag a (mostly) blank sideblog so I get the notification lol @zakaithecatboy )
Hi! So first off, we did write a positivity post for introjects who have lost or can no longer access their source. It will be posted on Thursday night at 8:00PM EST!
And as for some specific advice for you and this headmate, the biggest thing that comes to mind is to remind y’all that it’s okay to grieve, to mourn, and to feel negative feelings. Trying to ignore the pain won’t make it go away, and often can make it worse! So if this new headmate is feeling lost, hurt, or sad that her source has shut down, we’d encourage y’all to allow her to grieve however she feels most comfortable (as long as she’s not causing harm to your body or other headmates, of course!).
If you haven’t already, maybe see about getting her a journal or some other sort of space where she can vent and process her emotions privately. Having an outlet is really important for any system member, and especially those headmates who often find they’re dealing with big, heavy, or painful emotions!
She also might just need some time and space in order to come to terms with this. It might be good to check in with her often, see how she’s doing and how she’s adjusting to life/handling the news about her source shutting down, and do your best to honor her requests (within reason). If she wants a bit of space, try to give her that! If she wants someone to listen to her gush about her source and recall fondly different aspects of it, try to be that listening ear! Simply having someone in her corner who is ready and able to provide support could be a wonderful thing for her.
Also maybe see if she would like to have a little photo gallery with pictures of her source that she can look back on whenever she’s feeling wistful or nostalgic. Our own alters each have their own photo album on our phone, and they fill the albums with whatever sorts of pictures they want! Definitely ask her beforehand, but if she’s interested in the idea, putting together an album or gallery with pictures from her source could maybe help remind her of it while encouraging her to make peace with the fact that it’s gone (kind of like a shrine or a grave in a way!).
We hope something here might work for y’all - we’re really sorry if nothing we said here sounds useful! We’re wishing this headmate peace, hope, and acceptance in the future, and hope that y’all will be able to form some positive memories together very soon!
#introjects#source talk#mourning#grieving#grief#source loss#let us know if this needs any more tags and we will gladly add them!
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reality check
notes: quick vent fic while i work on other stuff sorry :c
warnings: heavily revolved around restrictive eating disorders, alludes to SA, but doesn’t go into detail, natasha not being very understanding (at first), starts in the middle of a fight bc i didn’t know how else to begin the story lol, semi-proofread.
mama!nat x daughter reader
no tags cause of the topic :c
masterlist
. . .
“you know, i would’ve been grateful to have so much food around me when i was younger.” natasha scoffed.
“i just wish you would understand, or at least try to!” you cried out, tears streaming steadily down your face. “it’s not about food, mom. i-i don’t even know what it’s about, but trust me when i say that if i could choose to live without this disorder i would.”
you felt pathetic as you wiped your tears off your face. you’d been arguing with your mother for a good thirty minutes now, something that almost never happened before your issue became known.
“why can’t you just eat the food? tell me, why can’t you? why, y/n? it’s food-”
“i know it’s food!”
“then eat it!” natasha screamed back at you. “i get it, you need to feel in control of something. but why can’t you just control something else-”
“i didn’t choose to have an eating disorder. and it’s not about control, not anymore. i told you, i don’t know what it’s about.” you sighed, heart breaking with each response you gave your mother.
natasha rolled her eyes. “your life has been so easy, i made sure of that. you never once had to deal with any of the shit i did, so why are you doing this to me? how do you think i feel?”
you could help but laugh at your mother.
“how do i think you feel? how do you think i feel, mom? you’re not the one living with this, i am.” you wiped your eyes once more, ignoring the sting that had been caused from the repeated action.
“you preach so publicly about mental health and how important it is. people adore you for it. so why won’t you listen to your own child?”
your mother shook her head, "you should be grateful."
"i am grateful! i'm so grateful for everything you've done for me, so much so that it kills me to know that i can't just stop this. i feel so guilty for it and when you say these... awful things to me it makes me feel so stupid and worse than i already do." you sobbed, pushing yourself further away from your mother until your back hit the headboard of your bed.
"i wish i could think of it as just food. i wish i could eat without feeling so guilty i have to force myself to throw up. i wish that i didn't feel like the only way i'm ever truly good is if i'm empty. i wish i could tell you what happened, but i feel like everything i say and do disappoints you."
natasha took another look at you, one that really stuck with her. she didn't recognize you anymore, you weren't the daughter she'd raised since the tender age of five. you weren't the daughter she knew just a couple of months ago. it truly wasn't until you passed out at school and ended up in the hospital with your diagnosis when everything changed. she didn't know you anymore and it tore her apart.
the more she studied you, the more she noticed how beat down and exhausted you appeared. everything about you was dull and worn out to the point she wasn't sure how much of you was left.
"i'm sorry," natasha finally let out. "i don't understand. i don't think i ever will understand." you went to interrupt her, but she was quicker than you.
"i don't think i can because i've never struggled with an eating disorder, but what i can do is try. you are my child and i love you endlessly. i don't want anything bad to ever happen to you and i'm sorry i wasn't able to protect you from this. i don't want to fight anymore because i don't want to lose you."
your breath caught in the back of your throat as you listened to your mother.
"i want you to be able to come to me when you're struggling. i want to help you get better." she finished off, taking a step towards you before sitting on the edge of your bed.
"but you still think those things, mom. i don't want your help when i know the only thing going through your mind is how selfish and ungrateful i am," you croaked.
"what i said was ignorant and i know i can't take it back, but i'm willing to do whatever it is that i need to get you better."
"well first you have to know it's not about food. i can't 'just eat it' like you want me to. i can't just choose not to have an eating disorder anymore." you snapped uncontrollably.
"okay," natasha nodded. "i believe you."
"i do want to get better, i think. i'm not sure. i know i have a problem but i don't want to accept that i have a problem..." you trailed quietly. "i don't know how to live without it anymore, i can't remember who i was before this."
natasha tilted her head in confusion, "i thought you'd just been struggling for a few months?"
"it's been years, mom. it's a very secretive disorder, i did everything in my power to make sure you didn't know about it. pretty easy to do when you're gone half the time anyway." you shrugged.
"i'm sorry," she admitted.
there was a beat of silence before the two of you spoke again.
"what happened?"
"what do you mean?"
"earlier, you said you wished you could tell me what happened." she pointed out.
"oh." your heart dropped and natasha could see you visibly pale at the thought of having to say what it was.
"is it bad?"
"depends on your definition of bad."
"did someone hurt you?"
"yeah. but it was a long time ago, it doesn't matter now. i'm over it." you lied pathetically.
"it does matter and you're not over it." your mother stated calmly, desperate to keep her voice from cracking.
"i was 14, it was years ago. i don't want to talk about it."
"i can respect that, but you'll have to eventually. doesn't have to be with me, but it'll only get worse the longer you don't deal with it." everything in her was fighting to not demand you tell her the name of who did it. she knew that wouldn't help you, not when you still haven't even processed it.
she felt like a failure of a mother, but this was not about her. it was about you.
"where do you want to go from here?"
"i don't know."
natasha chewed on her bottom lip. "i've missed you."
"do you miss me or who you thought i was?" you questioned, bringing your knees into your chest.
she pondered for a second, "both i guess."
it was a fair answer.
"keeping it a secret from you was the hardest thing i ever had to do."
"so why did you?"
"i wasn't sure how to tell you, let alone when to tell you... and then seeing how you've reacted up until now i'm glad i didn't."
natasha would never tell you how much your words pierced her heart, but it was her own doing. she didn't have much room, if any, to feel sorry for herself.
"what i will say though, is that i miss being curled up into your side with our favorite snacks and desserts while we watched horror movies. i miss spending our mornings arguing over pancakes or waffles, not over if i would eat that day."
the redhead chuckled. "you know for someone who doesn't eat very much you sure have the energy to hold a fight."
"fear will do that to you."
"do you think you'll ever be yourself again?"
you hummed, “i think i’ll be a new version of my old self.”
“i like that answer. i think a lot of people feel like they will never be themselves again after traumatic events. i know i never felt like i could.” natasha spoke, her eyes meeting yours.
for the first time in awhile you didn’t feel like you were disappointing her.
“i used to think like that, but i don’t anymore because you don’t have to lose yourself completely. you don’t have to start over by completely erasing who you once were. i’d like to believe that i can still cherish those parts of me before they were tainted.”
natasha smiled for the first time that day. “you’re completely right.”
“before you get too happy i want you to remember that just because we’re having a good moment now doesn’t mean we won’t have more days like earlier.” you reminded her.
it hurt to see her face fall, but you were right.
your mother needed to remember that this wouldn’t be going away quickly or any time soon. but if she keeps her word and tries to do better than before, you knew there was a better chance at healing.
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