my fucking gooooddddd

posted abt mommy issues a while before and its so insane how i genuinely am not normal <3 almost cried yesteday bc a woman at work told me to eat. my mom and i are leaving for work rn and i said i’m hungry (i’ve been fasting since 4pm yesterday bc of a bloodtest) and she just said ”no you’re not. and even if so, it’s not gonna kill you” whyyyyyy is she like this. she just got pissed off at me for not cleaning and i said i haven’t had time or energy and that i do it all the time so she could do it once but apparently her hanging out with her creepy old boyfriend and going to dance classes is more important😍 i run the entire household and i have been doing that since i was 14 and when i move out she’s going to be completely incapacitated lmfao. i feel so empty and so unappreciated and i wish someone would just take care of me for once. not even that. i wish someone would be kind to me in conversation. i wish i had my feelings validated just once. hm

editing this to say that she keeps making these comments about me not being good at anything LOL she talked me in at work and she brags about me in the break room but when we are at home she’s like ”i didn’t actually think you’d be good at working” or ”i never actually expected you to do this well”. hahaha. last summer i helped her bf tear down a garage and when he asked me for help she said ”he won’t be much help. he’s lazy and weak and he’s too careful to do anything” and then i did it and her bf praised me for how well i did and she said i really surprised her. i feel like NOTHING i feel like i am not even a person there is apparently nothing i can do right. i want to cry so baddddd i feel like a fucking child and i’m literally 22 years old? i don’t even know who i am as a person or if i am good at anything. my mentor at work is granting me priveleges i was supposed to get at the end of my 8 week apprenticeship already and it’s only been 3 weeks. and i feel like its all just some joke. i cant even be proud of myself

the artblock be hitteth Harder than normal, for tis not normal artblock. woe. Wally be upon ye

my brain is so full of fuck tonight

vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

life update maybe idek i just vent and its very personal and a little boring

im forgiving my family for my own sanity and well being. even if we're not as close as we used to be which is normal cuz were all getting older i hope that we can just stay civil and not toxic. im starting fresh. besides all of the mental trauama lmaoo. what im saying is im gonna try to create different thought patterns for myself and just maybe get on anxiety medication so i don't hurt others or myself. yeah. idc. but im tired of seeing people as my enemies. while i was a victim of abuse for a long time i cant deny it i just can't stay a victim anymore. sorry. i want to control my outcome. i don't think i will ever be good with certain relatives but i want to atleast be chill with my parents. yknow. and its not like those relatives are awful people. they're just average grown adults who didn't know how to speak to me when i was a child. nothing wrong with that. there were also good moments. i don't want to have such a negative view of my childhood because honestly it was pretty amazing compared to most i just also was scared of being happy because i thought id be stupid if i did things to help me cope better with my mental illnesses. im not. finally been staying consistent with brushing my teeth for thr first time in 2 years and eating more. not like a ton cuz its difficult for me after a restrictive ed however progress is progress. i just really want to make the last few months and next year really count. knowing that love from a distance is possible and even healthy. goodbyes are normal and ill figure it out with time. for once in my life i feel as if the world isn't on fire anymore and that i might be okay. still mentally ill. just learning that its okay to heal at ur own pace. and just cuz u thought something negative doesn't erase all of the good that you have done recently. honestly my goals now are to gain more mental clarity and to learn more about life and this world. i want to be ready for adulthood. time is going to pass regardless might aswell try and be present. and i know what i've been through. and no one else needs to validate me. and confidence. gonna work on my confidence issues aswell. not regarding my looks. physically im literally the girl that 7 year old me wished she looked like and while that makes me beyond happy i want to be confident in my beauty and for who i am as i learn who i am. and what i actually believe in. where my morals stand and such. basically ive i don't want to say matured because thats true but ive felt that way before i think i have just actually realized that theres an entire world out there outside of my anxiety brain and that i am fully capable of love and living a healthy happy life. no matter how difficult it was and will continue to be considering im human i know there will be other tough times. and ive already overcome so much at such a young age i just feel ready almost for whatever is next. mental illness and my relationship with it oh my god that could have its own post entirely i think i will stop typing tonight because my fingers hurt but i want to write about how healing with mental ilness feels especially with brain fog omg that would be super interesting and

genuinly considering giving up rn :)

gotta love my parents leaving me out of everything and blaming every single thing on me

Minnie. There is so much negativity surrounding Seb right now. It's so hard to be in this fandom and enjoy it anymore. I know it will get better I just need to know when. I knownyou cant give me an answer. But my stomach has been in knots for days since people started trying to cancel him again. I don't want to leave because Seb has meant so much to me and Bucky is my comfort character (Bucky fanfics got me through quarantine when I was alone). I'm sorry for venting here but I am so tired Minnie. I miss Seb and the fandom before last summer. // hi!! i'm new to this whole thing w tumblr because of a lot of new things im learning about seb (unfortunately i joined this fandom a little too late- about a month back 😓) so i'm seeing all of this hate on him literally at the wrong time (sigh) and it's overwhelming at times BUT i just wanna say from anon to anon that you have all the right to take a step back from being in the fandom and to take as much time as you want to be away from socials (esp twitter because good lord i see so SO much hate on there and it is super unhealthy)! i understand how you feel about this because i see this happen so much with other celebs that i've stanned over the years and it sucks big time to see your favs dealing with all the hate. and frankly, it's just stupid! people are vying for attention out there in the time of the pandemic and very unstable world and unfortunately they are getting what they want :( but i want you to know that those who truly appreciate him for who he is will definitely take the time to find the little nuggets of positive things he has done and compile it for themselves and others to see and smile at when times are tough on their ends, especially against the haters! and you included! i'm sure you have your own stuff that you look to (your fanfics as you have said in the above), and that's what you need to tide over this harsh period! times will get tough, but they will never stay tough forever, remember that! personally, with all the hate/ intentional twt drama on seb, i have found myself to struggle even more with my anxiety, which sucked big time because i found him to be my comfort celeb that i can turn to to make myself feel happier and less anxious. i had to turn to staying away from the hate pages, and i have to admit that it's really benefitted me a lot! yes i tend to turn the wrong way and go back there because the stupid idea of "curiosity kills the cat", BUT by resisting the idea of that and choosing to select and filter what you see online, it becomes a really healthy thing that helps you out in the long run. i started on a reflective diary not too long ago to monitor my mental status because of all this negativity of seb, and i have found myself to be improving in terms of the duration of my fears and anxiety and much more. i choose to write what i think and verbalise in my head, from negativity on him, to how i feel etc. and it helps me internalise and organise my mind when it's in a massive whirl while my anxiety acts up. i know i can't say much about the vibe and momentum of seb and the fandom since i've not been here long enough to give a proper verdict on it, but i want you to know that there are people like you and i out there who want this to end soon and for the seas to be calm again! stay strong and continue to find the happy moments in your life both virtually and physically!

i want to tell you right now that i will always support you and that i love you for being so brave to verbalise your fears and concerns! always know that we are standing strong and supporting you and that we will NEVER cave in to the negative things about seb! you will get through this, i believe in you!!

This is so, so sweet of you, nonnie!! 🥺 I'm sure other nonnie and people in a similar position as them will appreciate it lots (and I do too!). I'm really glad you've found such a good way to deal with the worst of your anxiety surrounding all of this, and I hope it'll just get better for you from here on. Keep being awesome and enjoying fandom, my love!! ❤️

TW!!! THIS IS A VENT POST!!

so he finally stopped ignoring me. yay. so fun. I tried to tell him how I feel. he made it seem like it was all my fault. yk, it is my fault. I’m too sensitive and dramatic. I cant take my friend’s simple relationship? fucking pathetic. I feel so fucking stupid. I feel so bad too. i hurt him. he told me that I was stressing him out so much, his bf told him to stop responding to me. damn. am I that bad of a person? wow. he told me he didn’t think we were as close as I thought we were. I understand he’s upset about how I reacted. but damn. that hurt. that hit hard. that hit a little too hard. i really wanna disappear. i don’t have many friends. that fucking hurt bro. i feel so bad for hurting him, but I don’t even know if I can make him happy anymore. I’m not good enough for him. he doesn’t view me as close, so what am I to him? probably a bother tbh. that one bitch who’s making his life miserable. well, I’m sorry I make it so hard for you. I’m trying. It’s hard to fake being happy all the time, yk. no matter how happy I act, something always goes wrong. always. the sad thing is, I knew he would leave me. i was scared because I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. and now, it’s actually happening. this is the first time he’s talking to me, he’s been ignoring me for about a week and a half now. I cant even think about other things, I can only think about him. I’m stressing him out? yeah alright. i wish he could see what he does to me besides yell at me for making him stressed. I cant stand this shit. why does it hurt so much? that message he sent me makes me feel so unloved. i have no one to talk to right now. nobody understands how I feel. its so intense, I could literally vomit. I might actually. it’s making me sick to my stomach. it hurts so bad. I just want it all to stop. why did he have to lie to me? he lied and then blamed it all on me. this time, he may be right. Im pain in the ass, you don’t need to tell me twice. I’m losing it, I’m fucking losing it. no matter what I do, I cant stop thinking about it. it’s fucking disgusting. I just want to forget all about it for just one day. just one, and I’d be happy. that’s it. just please, make this stop. 

I need to vent about this super bad and I honestly dont care at this point if other anons disagree with me on this one

People on tiktok will not SHUT UP about this amazing artwork done by nataboke , they keep saying she “white washed” kaeya. Even though she had clearly stated her art style uses a lot of desaturated colours. Their like comparing his in game skin tone to the drawing it’s like IM SORRY. As an artist this infuriates me, when you draw you don’t expect to get it reviewed and colour picked at to check for “white washing” and regardless of the difference in the picked skin tones side by side his skin is still visibly tan ????? I cant stand the genshin tik tok community anymore man it’s insane. Like I literally do not see anything wrong with this piece , feel free to put me in my place but like fr. I’m tired of people coming after artists style choices with these horrid accusations

oh my god , please 😓 cant people understand that they use desaturated colours and it’s even stated that they do . please , there’s also few videos that stated that it’s darker than the original so like . i dont ?? understand help ?? as an artist i understand this ☹️ and i dont think so they deserve this much fucking hate . plus , kaeya’s not entirely black , he’s tan . though i hope everyone stop with this fucking bs cause it’s annoying . genshin tiktok is so fucking toxic istg😓 i think their art is very nice . people just mad for no reason istg

hi everyone, its been a while since i posted here

this post is just be me venting about some stuff that´s going on in my life, its not specifically ed related but my ed definetively takes part in it, i dont really have anyone to talk to about this so i`ll tell u guys

sorry if i mess up my grammar and stuff but english is not my first langue, its 4am and im in the middle of a breakdown so yeah that´s something 

im gonna start with what im crying about: a while ago i mentioned s(the guy im into) here, everything is going well between us, we went on a date and spend the whole days talking, we cant see each other as much as id like to because of the pandemic but the vaccination is going fast here so soon that will be better. since we are closer we talked about about past relantionships and he told me about his ex and turns out i know her... not only i know her but we had classes together around the time they were dating... and she`s so pretty, she`s literally everything i´ve always wanted to be she´s like irl thinspo and she´s nice and has a bunch of friends and now he´s stuck with me im literally so fat and ugly and unlikeable i dont understand how people can stand to be around me. he´s probably just bored and only talking to me as a joke... i´ve been there and im so scared it`s going to happen again

i also fought with some of my closest friends, b and d, i`ll start with d: i told him about my ed because i really needed some comfort at that moment an now he´s mad at me and said i`m just doing this for attention and that i should just stop being dramactic and act like a `normal person` :) 

now about b: i reallt dont knoe what happened... we used to be best friends since 6th grade and when we were in sophomore year she moved to the other side of the country, we stayed close but now she`s just ignoring me since the middle of last month. i know she`s ok because she interacts with our other friends normally and posts on twitter all of the time, i dont think i did something but it kinda sucks because im going through a hard time dealing with my physical and mental health and she`s like one of the only friends i could count on... besides her i only have s to talk to ( even though he knows about my ed he doesnt know how serious it is and i cant tell him about the physical stuff because its all a consequence of my ed ) and n (my best friend, im too scared to tell her because im scared of losing her like i did with b and d ) 

i also have a super important presentation in about 3 hours and did not prepare for it at all because im scared of faiure so i just... did nothing

i stopped cutting myself but im considering doing it again because i just want to die i dont deserve anything i have because im just a stupid asshole that keeps lying to anyone about anything because im too scared to face the truth and deal with my problems im so scared of being alone i cant do this anymore i really need a hug but i dont deserve it 

okay. okay. maybe I’ll vent here. maybe this is a good place to vent. I don’t know.

i have not. properly tried to express my emotions in a while. i don’t know how to anymore. genuinely. Every time I try I feel like I’m doing it wrong, and i hear the words I’m saying, or the thoughts I’m thinking and none of it is /right/. It doesn’t properly describe it. Or maybe it just feels like nobody ever really listens? Or that they listen, but they don’t understand, and i don’t know how else to describe it? It’s like no words carry any meaning anymore.

Or maybe it’s just that the words of comfort offered to me never do anything to ease my mind? 

I spend so so so much time in my head, and i don’t know how to get out. It feels like there's a poison in there leaking into the rest of my being, and my core, and my life. Keeping me from ACTUALLY being myself. These thoughts of who I am, and what I am, and what i should say, are so completely ingrained into my bones, I feel like I’m always just a puppet trying my best to put on a show, and I always feel like I’m sort of... faking it... 

Nothing about being a person ever feels like it comes naturally to me.

And it’s not even!!! that i don’t see people. or that i don’t have friends. I mean ok ok ok i have no family left in my life. That’s something i should maybe deal with, but how? and why? and uhm, hello, i don’t fucking WANT to? Have i not dealt with it enough? Why do i have to poke at those bruises if i want to feel better? Cant i just let them heal in peace? At least they’re not open and bleeding WOUNDS anymore. Isn’t that enough? I don’t want to think about it, or talk about, or even recognize it as a part of me anymore. I literally just want nothing to fucking do with it. I am so so sick of it, and what it’s done to me, and how unfair it is, and how it will affect my entire life, how it’s made me into this, into what i am now, and how there was nothing i could’ve ever done about that. 

I think i can pinpoint the exact moment it really broke down for me and i started to feel like this. Numb, and apathetic, and like everything is a performance, like im floating underwater and the world is up there above, blurry, and the sounds vague.  I feel like a ghost, i feel hollow, i feel like i have nothing left to fucking give, and it breaks my heart because i want to give the world so so much. And i feel like it’s the only way i’ll ever be loved, is if i give enough of myself away so that somebody notices. Whether what i give is art, or me being funny, or pretty, or smart, or witty, or charming or talented, but i don’t usually feel like i’m any of those. There are moments. But they’re always just moments. And in the end, I don’t have anything to give, that’s not already been given before, by somebody else, by somebody who could do it better. Nothing i do matters. Nothing i think matters, nothing i say matters.

And now that sounds awfully nihilistic, but hey, what if that’s a good thing! Nothing matters! Cool! I can do whatever i want!

But then why am i laying in bed for 6 hours, forcing myself to sleep, because i can’t stand being awake? Is this what i want? Is this all that i can give, since i’m not good enough to give anything else? Since i’m too SCARED to give anything else?

And yeah okay, the exact moment this happened. Right. This is a happy story. CW: Self harm, sexual assault, and suicidal thoughts

 I was living alone in my apartment, and i think i was 19. I was having a bad episode of whatever sort... I don’t know what it was, if it was an anxiety attack, or... Whatever it was, i had them a lot back then. And i’d cut into my arm, and there was blood on the walls, and i was crying and shaking, and i didn’t know who to talk to. I had already used my few friends far too much, and i knew they were tired of me, and my relationships felt fragile and precious, and i didn’t want to be a bother yet again. I had been assigned a mentor then, from the school i’d been going to, ever since they put me on sick leave from my actual education, an education i was only even taking to begin with so that i could have enough money to live, not that i wanted it or needed it. 

And this mentor always told me that i could call him anytime. He knew i was suicidal, and that i hurt myself, and that i was struggling with life, and he promised again and again that he’d be there for me should i ever needed him. So i called him!

And he didn’t pick up. 

And i called him again. And again. And he didn’t pick up.

Eventually i just... I was so tired that i fell asleep in bed, wounds still on my arms, blood still on the walls. So i woke up the next day like nothing happened, and cleaned it all. And he called me and said sorry, and gave some excuse i don’t even remember, and i said it was fine, and hung up. And i never trusted him again.

And that was three years ago... And i think it was just too much for me. It feels like i was in so much pain then, that i couldn’t handle it anymore, and everything in my just SHUT DOWN and i went on full auto-pilot mode. And i was just numb and broken. And then not long after, my neighbor at the time tried to sexually assault me.

I never really dealt with any of it. I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water.

So last year i was kicked out of the house i was living in, and i didn’t have anywhere to go, so i ended up somewhere called the “street team” and they introduced me to the place i’ve been living ever since, a homeless shelter for women. And in so so many ways it’s given me my life back, and i think that’s maybe where all this massive flood of overthinking is even coming from to begin with. Because i’m back on my feet for the most part, and i’ve been allowed to become a person again, and exit panic mode but now i don’t know how to. I don’t remember how to be a person. I still feel like such a hollow shell. 

And i am surrounded by love, but my mind still feels like poison. And i relapse. And i don’t know how to ask for help. And i self destruct, and i don’t know how to ask for help. And what i want the most in the world is love, but i don’t know how to ask for love. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I am constantly afraid of being hurt, and then i hurt myself, and i isolate myself, and my head is foggy and cloudy, and i stare at myself in the mirror, and i feel entirely detached. 

And i don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry, this is so long. And it makes no sense. But i didn’t know who to talk to. Or how to talk. I’m trying my best, but i feel so lost and scared. Sometimes i’m afraid life wasn’t meant for me. But i sometimes it’s like i catch glimpses of myself, and i have moments where i feel like myself, like truly happy, and there and PRESENT, and with my feet on the ground, and comfort in my mind, and love in my heart, but it’s always so fleeting and i never know how to get it back once it’s gone. I don’t know how to be her all the time, but i really really wish i could. I just wanna be me, and i don’t know why that is so so hard. I’m tired. I’m sorry. I could keep venting about this forever i think, but it’s probably just for the best that i stop this flood here, because i’m going in circles, i’m saying the same things, and none of it matters anyway

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired. 

2020 20 questions meme time UWU

i was tagged by @decertatio to do this! i havent spent enough time on here recently to tag anyone, B U T! if you see this and would like to do this, consider yourself tagged, and let me know! i wanna read your answers UWU

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1. Do you make your bed? - GAWD NO, at least not 70% of the time, im so bad at this. it’s coz on the weekdays, i start working at 6:30am or 7am at home coz my bosses are in Australia and a lot of our clients are in Australia and/or New Zealand, and they’re 3 or 4 hours ahead of us, so i gotta get on those emails and support case tickets as soon as i can, so i give myself about an hour to catch up, and then i hurry out of the condo to get to the office before im marked late at 10am lolololol. on the weekends, when im at home, BECAUSE im just at home, i never fix my bed coz im in it 85% of the time anyway lakdjf

2. What’s your favorite number?  - 13, cliche as it sounds. not coz i think it’s lucky or anything, but because other people around me thought it was. i kind of clung onto it when i was in high school coz i wanted to fit in by standing out.

3. What’s your job? - An accounts and client services manager at a digital services agency.

4. If you could, would you go back to school? - Probably not. I love learning, HATE studying. 

5. Can you parallel park? - i never got far enough into being taught how to drive by mom to get to parking

6. A job you had which would surprise people? I think every job I’ve ever held, tbh. I graduated interior design mainly because my dad told me to when i asked him if i should enroll in advertising instead (the entrance exam i passed was good for either course). the only ID job i ever had lasted only two weeks, at a firm i had to do my internship/OJT at. it was my first job, and i was let go after two weeks. after that, i was a call center agent for two months, and then a copywriter for 6 months, and then an SEO specialist for a year and a half, and then a social media content/community manager at one firm for one year, and then for another agency for 3 and a half, and now im in my second year as an accounts manager at a digital services cloud agency. even i’m surprised at this job list tbh.

7. Do you think aliens are real? - i absolutely do believe that we are not the only life in this big, huge, wide, expansive universe that the planet earth is but a miniscule blip on. there’s definitely other life out there.

8. Can you drive a manual car? - i haven’t driven a car legitimately outside of learning how to drive, but yeh i probably can, since that was what my mom taught me with.

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? - junk food and soft drinks, but in general i try not to feel guilty about anything i take pleasure in

10. Tattoos? - none, but i am ACHING for them. i’ve had ideas for a loooong time. one that i DEFINITELY want to get as my first one is part of a letter that i found that my mom wrote for me in high school. “i know that you will be able to stand up for yourself and the world will stop and take notice.” i still have the letter, so i still have it in her handwriting. i want it on the inside of my left forearm. 

11. Favorite color? - Pink! lighter/softer/pastel shades are my preferred ones, but i love any shade or hue of pink tbh

12. Things people do that drive you crazy? - i hate fake guilt trips. like, when someone wants me to do something that i can’t do, they’ll come in with like “nah, it’s fine, i’ll just drop all these SUPER IMPORTANT things im doing and go out of my way to do this thing that im asking you to do because i’m SOOOOO sorry that you’re unable to do it yourself” coz it’s like...dude, if you really were able to do that or if you wanted to actually do that, you wouldn’t have asked me to do the thing in the first place. like, you’re clearly just saying that to make me feel bad enough to make me drop everything im doing and do whatever it is you asked me to do. i also hate when ppl fish for compliments by being falsely humble or self-deprecating. like. PLEASE, y’all, i’ve lived with negative amounts of self-esteem for literal decades, i know the difference between actual self-loathing and you just wanting to hear good things about yourself that you don’t want to be called narcissistic for saying about yourself. i know what it sounds like when someone is actually going THRU something or is actually having an actual hard time accepting themselves and/or asking people for what they need as opposed to when someone just wants to be told something. like. don’t insult my intelligence and experiences like that. granted, there are nuances to consider for all of these things, bUT like i said, i know the differences when i see them.

13. Any Phobias? - i have a phobia of drowning that’s light enough to NOT keep me away from water but bad enough to sometimes make watching or listening to scenes where someone could potentially drown to set some triggers off for me. i also just have a really really bad fear of dying because of getting my oxygen cut off, coz that sounds like a really slow, painful way to die.

14. Favorite childhood sport? - i was never really a sports kid. the only sport i ever really enjoyed playing willingly was badminton. i trained for a few summers but never competed, but i got good enough to make games in a court fun. i still have my badminton racquet, it’s the only Legit™ badminton racquet in the house (it’s a Yonex, handed down to me by my trainer, only been restrung twice or thrice coz the last restringing was done so damn well), all the other racquets were inexpensive unbranded knock-offs that were good enough for me and my family to have casual games with.

15. Do you talk to yourself? - yes but mostly as a product of deep focus or concentration, or really heavy emotion. having social media has lessened doing it for the latter since i can just vent on here or on twitter, but when im doing stuff for work that’s hard or needs a lot of focus or concentration, i have full-on stand-up meetings with myself.

16. What movie do you adore? - “Romy And Michele’s High School Reunion.” it’s not a perfect movie by any means, but for someone who was a bullied outcast for much of elementary and high school years in a private, all-girls, Catholic school where everyone was tall and thin and pretty and pale and smart and popular, ALL the things that i wasn’t, it was - is? - like a beacon or a hug.

17. Do you like doing puzzles? - heck yeh, coz solving them makes me feel smart, and not being able to solve them but learning HOW to is so much fun for me.

18. Favorite kind of music? - i don’t know that i have one, to be honest, i haven’t listened to current radio in literal YEARS because i dont own a radio in the condo, i barely watch TV anymore, and i dont spend enough time in a vehicle to really know what’s up. i enjoy pop, hip-hop, rnb, showtunes.

19. Tea or coffee? - more of a coffee person myself, actual tea always just tastes LEGITIMATELY like leaf water to me, and i cant find a liking for it. i do really love sweet tea and milktea tho. but yeh, im mostly a bean juice person.

20. The first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? - An architect, like my dad. i thought i would be one, up until i discovered writing in high school, and then i thought i wanted to become a journalist until i took it up as my first course in college and hated it. but yeh, it was always “architect! like daddy!” when i was asked that question when i was a kid. i looked up to him so much as a kid, and he and i were super tight when i was younger coz i was his firstborn and a daughter. we used to call each other best friends. i miss those days a lot; things between us seemed simpler, but maybe that’s because i didn’t have the ideals, knowledge and capacity to question the way he loves/loved me as My Parent™. our relationship these days is absolutely skewed and skewered.

ugh sorry for Depression posts but i need to vent bc i dont have anyone to vent to (i have friends but like its not to the point that i feel like i can talk about this stuff w out feeling like a burden)

tw for csa vagueness bc im in a fucking spiral babes ! :)

but like... my dad was super abusive growing up in a number of ways & like. ive been very off about it today bc of a) discussions earlier today which were necessary but brought stuff up and b) got a stupid trigger from a post earlier today. so being stupid i looked at his fb and like now i want to throw up bc hes all “i miss my baby girl” and i literally want to like. scream. like not only am i not a girl which hes well aware of but like any time he calls me “his” anything i literally want to scream and punch something.

and like to top it off theres only one person on that side of the family that will even fucking speak to me anymore, my aunt. and like. she’ll talk to me and tell me she loves me etc and thats great but shes in the comments like “i know you do :(” and i’ve TOLD her what he did but she doesnt! care! none of them care they dont believe me literally no one except my siblings believe me about it. my mom tries but she cant get passed the fact that she was around and i didnt say anything bc she feels guilty so shes always trying to pretend like nothing happened. she doesnt talk to him at all anymore and hasnt for years but like she’ll always ask if im ever going to reach out to him or forgive him or if i still “think something happened” and its like...... i literally just want to cry. i just want someone to listen to me and believe me and this is EXACTLY why i didnt fucking say anything at the time! this is literally why! ive lost an ENTIRE side of my family that i was close to growing up bc i told the truth and they took his side over mine

and its so frustrating bc not only does he still feel like he has this claim over me (literally i cant fucking stand that “my” shit like literally when i left he got drunk and sent me a ton of texts saying like “youre MINE and you always will be. MINE” and like i literally cant think about that without wanting to die) but i dont even fucking have anyone to talk to about it

i got really drunk a couple weeks ago and tried to talk to my mom about it and like she just shuts down and i just... really fucking hate it. so! sorry im venting i just...... have so much pent up shit and todays been really really bad and i just need to get it out you know

i guess ive got... a lot to say. im sorry.

i dont want to die. im scared of dying so much but theres nothing for me here. if you know me, if you love me, anything. im so sorry im disappointing you. i just need... something. anything. ANYTHING AT ALL TO TELL ME IM WORTH IT. but nothing comes. im not worth it anymore. if anyone could tell me something to make it ok, then id love to hear it. but, im just... im gonna post every vent ive ever done in my discord servers, and a few other places.  yea can i get some help right now?I genuinely feel broken  I feel like a ruined, broken dollkenGod damnitI cant even vent correctlyI hate myself   Nothing makes me happy anymore I was survivngI was livingI was so confident i was gonna grow up happy and healthy and famousI was ruinedI was not made brokeni was ruined by a world who doesnt care full of people who dont try i literally hate my mother so muchi donti dont hate her i hate myselfconversation went as such:i cant focus! take your pill, then. (i start crying) i dont want to! why? it doesnt work and it kills my appetite! whats wrong with that? (still crying, i snatch the pill bottle from her and take one) jesus, are you playing around on discord? is it because you dont have live classes? its still school, wether im watching or not. (even though SHE FUCKING KNOWS I COULDNT FOCUS IN REGULAR SCHOOL EITHER)i can already feel it againi dont carei can already feel apathy in my soulquoting myself buti can feel my soul in my chest, and by god is it heavyi think thats not the problemi care far too mcuhi wish i was justi wish i didnt care I DONT WANT TO PASS ANYMOREI DONT CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO MEIM JUST TIRED OF IT ALLIM DONE i cant describe things anymoreno one is online, and im stuck doing seemingly endless workof course i get breaks but theres no set end to anythingmy appetite is dead but i feel so sick(dont worry- its just cause of my pill)i feel like im getting ignored by my friendsim just so depressedthis is fucking dismali can feel my temper start to come up because my friends are joking and playing like everything is fucking finefucki cant tell if i want to break something or cry  i think i just made my friend madim so awfulthe few people who trusted me and i cant even make them happy guess whos cryingmy dad not constantly taking my tablet because if i cant talk to my friends i get horribly, suicidally depressed is not a form of power that i have over him and he should not try to fucking paint it as one i dont knowif im upset and i raise my voice some because A. i have headphones on and B. im fucking upset THAT DOES NOT MEAN I AM SCREAMING AT HIM, AND HE SHOULD NOT TRY TO PAINT IT AS SUCH and especially he should not try to combine the two, and say that A. oh you're screaming at me? gimme your tablet. OR B. oh you said you wanna do something later? you're abusing your power, gimme your tablet. AND ESPECIALLY NOT C. oh, you did what i wanted, but with an attitude? Gimme your tablet.why cant he grasp that cornering me by the sink when he's literally 6'2 is horrifyingdoes he know how much he scares me when he's mad? im not leaving the fucking house. its hot out and i dont want to fucking go.i know you guys have trusted me to stay alone at home before.maybe not at night, but its the fucking middle of the day.WHY DO YOU INSIST ON BURDENING YOURSELF WITH ME? I am weary. My soul is tired. There are bags under my eyes, I am not getting enough sleep, no, but theres a reason. As if sleeping more could solve the visions of battles I will not fight Of battles lost and won Of battles inside my own head that affect no one. As if sleeping more would fix anything. Do not attempt to sing me a lullaby of a better future Because lullabies do not win wars And warring against yourself is never good So i'll repeat it; I am not tired I am weary I am solemn I am scarred And most of all: I am alive. And i will not die until i win. After that? I belong to eternity. But right now? I stand. I am weary, yes. But that has never stopped me yet.idk where this came from im justi can like feel my soul in my chestand its heavy.

sorry for the huge block of text, and that isnt even all of it, but... im so tired. i dont have the motivation to do any more. if you ever liked me, loved me, knew me... im sorry. im just not worth it anymore. i tried my best, i got as far as i could, but... i just wasnt meant to survive.