#sorry im a dean coded cas girl* | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

scoobydoodean · 6 months

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omg i just finished your emma vs amy takes and the subsequent discourse about it (which was so refreshing to see btw!! love it when adults can be Adults and argue about the topic without insulting the other person) and I might get fried for this but that incident aside, do you have any other scene/episode in mind where sam reacts the same way or does the same thing?

(im sorry if this isn't your cup of tea for asks! your takes have been Enlightening)

You mean another situation where Sam shoots a person with supernatural abilities who hasn't shed blood and has a sympathetic backstory without giving them a chance? Not as overtly—Benny in season 8's "Citizen Fang" certainly comes to mind, but even Benny, Sam at least made a show of giving a chance by assigning Martin to keep tabs on him and make sure he didn't do anything wrong before trying to kill him. (Though whether there was conscious or subconscious sabotage involved when Sam chose Martin specifically—someone he knew to be mentally unstable—is certainly a good question given Sam had already made death threats about Benny before then.)

The fact that Sam's behavior in 7.13 "Slice Girls" is pretty unique is really what I want to point out about this episode in the first place—that Sam's actions in "Slice Girls" are inconsistent with his previous behavior and future behavior as far as "good" monster episodes. We can turn to examples such as:

1.14 where Sam insists they try and talk Max down instead of killing him, because Max's murders are a result of extensive abuse.

Lenore and her nest in SPN's seminal "monsters can be good" episode (2.03)

Sam thinking Andy is responsible for the killings in 2.05 but still waiting for proof before acting.

2.09 where Sam insists they not kill someone they think might be infected with Croatoan virus before he turns and tries to kill them because that doesn't give him a chance.

Two episodes where Sam faces off against Gordon because Gordon wants to kill him before Sam kills someone (2.10, 3.07)

2.17 where Sam and Dean search for a cure for Madison, who is not aware that she has been killing people.

4.04 Metamorphosis where Sam is the one who takes the initiative to research Rugarus, learns that they can survive without giving into their urges, and insist they go and talk to him about how his body is changing (lol) so he has the chance to fight the urge to kill and eat people.

5.06 where Sam and Dean oppose Cas who wants to kill Jesse, who is a child who is not aware that he has powers and is hurting people.

6.02 where Sam, even soulless, recognizes the innocence of a shifter baby.

Then we have Amy and Emma in 7.03 and 7.13 respectively.

8.04 where the brothers let Kate the Werewolf go because she was turned against her will and killed the man who turned her in self-defense.

8.09 Citizen Fang (already discussed)

I'm getting lazy but then we also have Magda and Jack Kline—both children with powers, one severely abused, the other the son of the devil with uncontrolled explosive powers that could end the world, both of whom Sam attempts to help work with their abilities.

Dean has a more structured series of personal "rules"—a litmus test we see from the very beginning—one Sam often follows as well, but I'm not sure Sam ever really fully grasps that Dean thinks this way.

Has this person hurt or killed anyone?

Was it on purpose or was it outside of their awareness?

If it wasn't on purpose, are they capable of learning to control their urges?

We see this code as early as 1.12 "Faith":

SAM Wait, what the hell are you talking about Dean, we can't kill Roy. DEAN Sam the guys playing God, he's deciding who lives and who dies. That's a monster in my book. SAM No. We're not going to kill a human being Dean. We do that we're no better than he is.

Dean applies the same reasoning in 1.14 with Max:

SAM These visions, this whole time -- I wasn't connecting to the Millers, I was connecting to Max! The thing is I don't get why, man. I guess -- because we're so alike? DEAN What are you talking about. The dude's nothing like you. SAM Well. We both have psychic abilities, we both... DEAN Both what? Sam, Max is a monster, he's already killed two people, now he's gunning for a third.

Despite the exact opposite being the typical fandom perception, early on we learn that Sam tends to define a monster by their features/abilities, while Dean defines a monster by their actions. We see the same with Amy—she is "a monster who killed four people" (7.07) . She isn't a monster because of what she is but because of what she did. This again—is also why Dean doesn't even consider killing her son right after her kid swears to kill him one day. We see Dean, in the rare cases where it comes up, is also perfectly fine with taking out human serial killers they stumble across (ex: Thin Man).

Sam will also kill a human serial killer at times (and murderous witches by 3.09), but he reserves the word "monster" to describe individuals with supernatural features/abilities... and I think the fact that Sam's definition of the term differs from Dean's is something neither brother ever fully realizes about the other, leading at several points to arguments where they are talking past each other and do not understand one another. Sam hears "monster" and thinks "Dean is talking about me", when Dean is operating under a completely different definition of the term that is based on the actions of a person.

When Sam is in a headspace where he is thinking of himself as one of those monsters, he shows increased or lessened sympathy in turns. For example, he assumes Andy's guilt in 2.05 because he is panicked about becoming evil himself and is comparing the two of them (but again—still waits for confirmation) but his sympathy for Max in 1.14 comes from the same comparison with himself. Sam completely misrepresents Amy in 7.03 as an addict who relapsed but more generally is "managing", as a way to compare her with himself... when Amy didn't feed on anyone herself and her actions have absolutely nothing to do with addiction or battling "monstrous urges".

I've been bitching and moaning a lot, but I will reemphasize that there is a more sympathetic reason that Sam shoots Emma—Sam and Dean are both crowding up to the diving board at the deep end of the pool in season 7. Dean's grieving and is drinking extremely heavily to cope and Sam is hallucinating. They are both unraveling at the seams. Neither of them is in a place where they trust the other's judgement because they both know themselves and each other to be unstable. So if we imagine a reality where Sam and Dean give Emma a chance, and it doesn't take, Sam assesses himself and Dean to be in no mental state to cope with a potential surprise attack. It's just that Sam also erroneously compares Amy and Emma when they are not the same, and by doing so, frames Dean wanting to spare Emma but killing Amy as hypocrisy (because they are both "monsters") when Dean's actions are perfectly consistent with his personal ethical code and his definition of a "monster"... and Sam's actions aren't.

#sams moral compass #deans moral compass #mail #7.13 #1.14 #2.03 #2.05 #2.09 #2.10 #3.07 #2.17 #4.04 #5.06 #6.02 #8.04 #8.09 #7.07 #7.03 #emma #amy #max miller #jack montgomery #andy

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amvguy · 2 years

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Amv recs?

HI THANK YOU FOR ASKING MWAH

i will preface this by saying that, well, i love amvs. i love making them and watching them and sharing them so this was very fun for me. it would also be impossible to list all the amvs ive enjoyed, but the following is a collection of some of my favorites to share with other people. these are mostly spn amvs but i will include some of my favorites from other media at the end.

i've only included tumblr posts for all of them because tumblr is where i find most of the videos i watch and, you know, tumblr is not always very kind to videos so support your local amv maker!! reblog!

under the cut because i have no restraint and this got long<3

spn

firstly, i recommend looking through @spnamvs if you're looking for something specific. the tagging system is great and honestly i just love the archive i think it's one of my most visited websites.

now, the list:

characters / platonic relationships

anna | oh ana by @anna-coded

eileen | come on, eileen! by @calamitysong

dean | gold star by @obstacle1mp3

dean | my body is a cage by @eggcessive

dean | turn up the faders by @infinitysleeps

dean | something to sing about by @katebushstandean

dean | dean winchester is an enneagram six by @smokerdean

dean & claire | circus heart part 2. by @clairewolf

dean | dean “i have got to watch a horror movie with this bitch” winchester by clairewolf

dean | a little bit alexis by lesbianhostility

dean | september by @pinkinthenightdean

dean | his twins big like tia<3 by @maningning

cas | abbey by @peternureyev

cas | best of the best of times by @risencas

cas | marsha, thankk you for the dialetics, but i need you to leave by @eddietboyswag

cas | digital girl by @destielcrit

cas | body by @theangelisgay

cas & jack | cuckoo by @croc-odette

jack | youth by @danneelswife

jack | two-headed calf by @soysaucecas

mary | miss nothing / miss everything by @dawittiest

jimmy novak | katrinah josephina by destielcrit

relationships (this is literally just the destiel section, im not sorry)

destiel | i need a hero by @bleedingastigmatism

destiel | hot knife by calamitysong

destiel | kiss with a fist by @chronicpaindean

destiel | love at first sight by @cuckstiel

destiel | it's all coming back to me now by @cyclicalhaunting

destiel | on entire lakes ‒ you by @dawittiest

destiel | somebody to love by katebushstandean

destiel | happy ending by katebushstandean (actually all of mikanatural)

destiel | the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by maningning

destiel | relihiyoso by maningning

destiel | having a coke with you by frank o’hara by @maningning

destiel | deep in the meadow by @sosaysdean

destiel | judas by @tallahasseemp3

destiel | supercut by @twow

destiel | arms tonite by @emotionallyits2009

destiel | ahora estoy con él by @virfujiwara (this one is so fucking funny also latinenatural wohoo)

general

angels | gagarin by @afeelingsosweet

dta | i guess by @bedlund

supernatural | i wanted to leave by @chitaquadean

angels, demons, and their vessels | undone, undress by clairewolf

supernatural | stick to the status quo by @crosbystillsandhash

supernatural | no one lives forever by @csny

supernatural’s women of color | your best american girl by @eileenleahy

angels | it's a hard-knock life by @fruityangels

supernatural | why me? why us? - the heart as queer allegory by @jimmynovac

supernatural actors (?) | art is dead by @jurisffiction

supernatural | ME! by jurisffiction

supernatural | perhaps the world ends here by @kellyscabin

supernatural | space ghost coast to coast by @lovelybydecay

angels | succession intro by @nobodydean

angels | lost in the world by pinkinthenightdean

other media

lotr | love, love, love by @tincanopus

lotr (sam and frodo) | carry by smokerdean

torchwood | turn up the faders by @jugheadmp3

it (the losers club) | a better son/daughter by jugheadmp3

succession | relay by @parkinglotbird

doctor who (the doctor and the master) | no children by @tincanopus

severance | FUCK YOU AND YOUR MONEY by @firebuggg

black sails | say hey (i love you) by crosbystillsandhash

black sails | take me to church by @maremote

black sails | “Here every man is equal.” by @thurs-days

batman | el señor de la noche by @superhell

ted lasso | roykeeleyjamie throuple edit let's goo by katebushstandean

#THIS IS VERY EARNEST BC I LOVE AMVS I LOVE VIDEO EDITS I LOVE MUSIC OVER MY LITTLE TV PEOPLE #god this took so long and im sure im forgetting so many but i hope you find at least one you enjoy <3 #im tagging all the creators but if you're here and prefer not to be tagged do let me know<3 #ask #EDIT: my first attempt at tagging people mostly did not work #but i think i fixed it and SO sorry if you got a notification twice

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lesbian-of-nine · 2 years

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im a sam coded dean and cas girl

#in a trans way #im so annoying sorry #sam coded #dean coded #cas coded #dean girl #cas girl #spn #supernatural #supernatural meme

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damianogender · 3 years

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this is literally what it's all about.

#if you got sam dean or cas coded go to therapy xx #spn #supernatural #oh shit i mean fear OF abandonment lmao #whatever im not gonna fix it #with that being said if you're a dean girl i don't trust you sorry

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you-cant-spell-subtext-without · 3 years

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I’m back on my bullshit and we have GOT TO TALK about 13x08 The Scorpion and the Frog; which serves as a good example of why you should not ONLY watch spn episodes with Cas (partially because of that scene I shamefully blogged about earlier - no I will not link that cursed post here). The episode title comes from a fable in which the villain is the scorpion. Interpretations of this fable note its uniqueness lies in the concept that “the scorpion is irrationally self destructive and fully aware of it.”

To quote the scorpion, buddies - “it’s in my nature.”

Anyway, this episode is subtextually predicated on exploring Dean Winchester’s nature and specifically - his bisexuality, and I’m not only saying that because it opens with Dean in his Bi Colors Plaid (that also he wore on his burger date with Cas).

Let’s get started, after the cut!

Season 13 on its face gives me absolute whiplash because it starts widow arc-reunion-TOMBSTONE and then Jack yeets himself off to Chuck knows where so Cas can go out Looking For Him Because Otherwise He Will Definitely Kiss Dean there is no other option for the writers at this point. Sigh. Here, have another shot of Dean anxiously cleaning his gun as he always does when Cas has Gone Off For Reasons -

Anyway, this feels like a filler episode at first, but as always they bury the ENTIRE damn world in it and I am here with my dossier to Unearth It.

Lets start with Bart (demon of terrible nicknames and microagressions) meeting the brothers at Smile Diner to talk about some spell or whatever.

(I am not thinking about the Cherry Pie meta I AM NOT)

THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY to start with these lines immediately introducing the theme of duality, a thread throughout this episode.

BARTHAMUS

Everything. I've been following your careers a long time. You're a real pain in the pitchfork. And the halo. Natural disrupters. We have that in common, you and I. DEAN

Mm. Yeah, we're twinsies.

***MORE DUALITY! But as we know, Dean does not like Bart because He Is A Freakin’ Demon

DEAN

Well, see, here's the thing. When a demon tells us to jump, we don't ask how high. We just ice their ass.

UMMM excuse me Barting Bacting Boices? What is that sexual gaze?

Then we find out that Bart has 1/2 of the spell. They need the other 1/2. Oh, a spell with two parts, you say? [ I am going to scream :) ]

***Also, Dean eats the pie Bart ordered. I cannot begin to explain to you the state of unwellness that I am in regarding how important this is. DEAN NEVER GETS TO EAT THE PIE, remember? But in This Filler Episode, Dean eats the pie. While Sam looks at him with a very quizzical expression. Pie -> what Dean wants but never actually gets -> Dean actively eating this pie. Dean is coming to terms that maybe he can have what he wants.

***I am reminding you again that this is post widower-arc, post-reunion, and especially post-Tombstone. Anyway-

Now we get to Smash and Grab. Not literally even though I want to Commit Such Conduct at this point. We are introduced to two one off characters named

Smash (human/female presenting) - can crack any safe built by man

and Grab (demon/male presenting)- expert in bypassing supernatural security.

Reaching or no, you can’t disagree that when spn introduces one off characters - it is almost always a Narrative Parallel or Mirror.

So we have a human and a demon (and Dean Winchester, a human who has been a demon)

who are experts in cracking open/bypassing something that has been secured and guarded (breaking down walls, if you will).

They also use fake names identifying them as Tools to be Used ( Dean Winchester, the Michael Sword/daddys blunt little instrument)

BONUS:

Dean himself is literally used as a tool in this episode.

So yeah. Smash and Grab are physical representations of Dean’s duality. Human/Demon. Femininity/Masculinity. Dare we say something else, too?

Anyway, Dean is paired with Smash and Grab; Sam is off to idk negotiate weird artifact purchases lawboy style with Luther Shrike, a man who cannot die so long as he never leaves his house (I cannot even begin to unpack this shit; please just sit there and think about it. I’m not even going there here. I CANNOT DISCUSS Luther Shrike RN).

Speaking of things I cannot discuss without halgdhsag;lsa - Smash has very Specific boots (a look overall, really).

DEAN

Hey, Winona. The '90s called. They'd like their shoes back. SMASH

Shh.

***That’s right girl - do not take his shit; he actually LOVES them and is therefore Overcompensating for it with this little jab.

***Dean’s pop culture references and particular attention to the details here Should Not Be Overlooked. 90s! Winona! Ryder!

ANYWAY, then Dean and Smash bond over a caffeinated beverage -

[While Dean is doing a spell, Smash opens a can of drink, takes a mouthful and burps loudly. ] SMASH

Ahh. DEAN

You're weird.

***This scene makes me literally insane. (even aside from Dean living on something named NERVE DAMAGE as a KID. They could have called it anything. You’re saying this wasn’t a Choice)

She chugs a swallow of the drink and burps. Something stereotypically associated with masculinity. Not feminine. Dean’s reaction is that she is “weird” - because she is not acting in a way stereotypically, J*hn Winchester brain-rot patriarchy bullshit-tily associated with Being Female. But also, says the stupid show, they like the same soda. They are The Same. She shares the soda with Dean. HIS FACE WHEN SHE DOES -

Other similarities are addressed throughout the episode (they are working for demons because they have no choice; they don’t discuss feelings/emotions, they both sold their soul, they both This Thing -

DEAN

You know, we could help you. SMASH

No, you can't. I gotta take care of me.

etc. etc.) Smash is absolutely dean-coded.

****Also it’s textually established that Smash thinks Dean is attractive -

GRAB

[looking at Smash] Oh. You said he was just a pretty face. SMASH

Shh.

***But Grab flirts with him too.

DEAN

I will kill you. GRAB

I bet you say that to all the girls.

***sorry, Grab - you won’t get far with Dean, but only because as he mentioned in the beginning of this episode -

Drowley rights.

Now Dean has to put his hand in the mouth of this stone lion thing and all of a sudden he is acting....very-not-like-Dean.

[Dean looks again and takes a deep breath.] DEAN

I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay.

***Dean Winchester, who has been to Literal HELL, who has been torn apart by hellhounds, who has battled the devil and angels and God’s sister - all at the expense of his own life is now - afraid of spiders. Well, technically he has always been afraid of spiders, but why isn’t ‘he being performative about it At This Time??

***Come to think of it, this sends me right back to how Jackles was playing Dean in 12x11 Regarding Dean THE episode dissecting Dean’s performative masculinity [one day I will clean up and post that analysis sitting in my drafts like a sad hamster]. That makes sense actually, because -> -> ->

that episode and this one are both written by Meredith Glynn. Girl get in I want to torture you affectionately with a barrage of questions.

So here we have Dean and he’s not performing for Reasons, and he’s scared he’s genuinely scared of putting his hand in this stone lion-gargoyle-pig-creature’s mouth and then -

Smash gives him a push.

She gives him a push. I cannot stop thinking about how she gives him a push. A push to go do this thing that he is scared of; his fear being something he was hiding under his performative masculinity. Smash - dean coded dean mirror who does not perform femininity and is ‘weird’ - she gives him a p u s h.

***linking here for the jackting joices that follow.

Now, let’s circle back to Smash’s story; why she is working for Bart in the first place -

SMASH

You think I wanna be here? Like I have a choice? SAM

You made a deal. SMASH

Wow! You think? SAM

You sold your soul. SMASH

And if I could take it back, I would.

there is no reason for this picture here other than I needed you to see the jackting again

***How does the story end for Smash?

DEAN

Take care of you. [Dean glances down at the box, and then at Smash. She sees that Dean has put a lighter on top of the bones.] BARTHAMUS

Alice, chop chop!

[Bart indicates she should get his bones]. SMASH

Yeah. [She grabs the lighter and sets Bart's bones alight. Bart screams as he bursts into flames. ]

***She accepts help and breaks free from the narrative, literally burning it down. The female presenting but not female-performing “weird” ooc representing a side of Dean breaks FREE because she makes a choice. The lighter Dean drops? It’s a push. And she goes with it.

Alice reclaims her story.

(Also, Grab gets ganked. The male presenting ooc; the performative masculinity side; the demon; the darkness; the not-humanity - gets ganked).

Guess what Dean says to Alice when they say goodbye?

DEAN

Hey, Alice. Stay weird.

[I know the peace sign is probably just a Charlie throwback but I’d still like to say duality. Two. ]

Dean’s not just talking to Alice. He’s talking to himself; because the walls have been breached and for once Dean isn’t as scared of being different. Maybe, just maybe, he’s going along with the push. That’s exactly how the episode ends - with Dean feeling a little more hopeful, a little more at peace; a little more Considering he is capable of not only loving Cas but also not hating himself for it.

[until the knowledge that Mary is still alive and the guilt of allowing himself ANY happy thoughts instead of looking for her miserably rears its ugly head in 13x09 and round and round we go but for NOW at least -> ]

DEAN

I'll drink to that.

(oh look Dean is just wearing his henley. It’s almost as if a layer has been peeled back).

tagging @im-shaking-like-milk and @deanwasalwaysbi for letting me ramble on to them while writing this; and @lilac-void because you are always so kind about my stuff :)

#my spn meta #spn analysis #spn 13x08 #bi!dean #destiel #deancas #hellerism #spn #supernatural #spn fandom #spn family #spn meta

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astudyinfreewill · 3 years

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ok my friends and I cant seem to agree on this so im bringing it to you. who are the dean-coded, cas-coded and sam-coded characters in trc??

oh VERY interesting question. i have discussed this a little with @countryboycas but my brain is a little offline today and i think it’s hard to get a 1:1 coding in place in any case, because different aspects of tfw fit different trc characters?? but here’s my tentative breakdown:

ronan is, largely, dean-coded, on account of: extreme loyalty; idolises his absent, piece of shit father; has a soft, luminous, sanctified (and largely not-real) mother figure; anger issues that manifest in physical outbursts; secretly a softie with a huge weakness for kids; carries a lot of self-loathing; not academically-inclined/high school dropout, but still very clever and great at picking up practical skills (hc: most likely has adhd); will self-sacrifice at the drop of a hat.

however, when it comes to his relationship with declan, then ronan can be sam-coded, in the sense that he is the Rebellious Baby with a Mysterious Power that is super similar to his father (like sam is to john) and that declan, the Dutiful Son, has to protect

which means that declan has his own brand of dean-coding, as in: repressed to all hell; essentially buried his personality so deep under a façade that very few people get to see it; got overburdened with responsibility at an incredibly young age; yet despite doing everything his father asked, he was Not the Favorite

adam, to me, is mostly sam-coded: he’s stubborn, very clever, and academically inclined; he too grew up under an abusive piece of shit father, but instead of idolising him, he plans to leave and never come back by going to a prestigious university; despite being deeply “not-normal” he still tries to fit in by pursuing a traditional career (like sam with law studies), so he can build a safe life for himself; presents on the surface like the more rational/even-tempered between him and dean, but actually has mountains of repressed anger as well, and thinks of himself as not good enough/unclean all the time. PLUS!!! psychic powers babey!!

blue is jo-coded because jo is essentially dean, and blue is “the same impossible stuff” as ronan, who as established is dean-coded; additionally, blue has a sort of mixed rivalry/reverence for ronan right from the start, and is stated as wanting to impress him. they both fill the “Smol Girl™️ who can and will kick your ass if you underestimate her” role (and they both deserved a better narrative)

gansey is bobby-coded on account of: is not adam and ronan’s dad but he still appointed himself as the Parent Figure (i’m SORRY akfdlg that’s. all i got. i’m not even doing henry and noah because i don’t think we know enough about them to properly code them)

oh wait shit i did just compare adam and ronan to sam and dean so real quick--

w*ncesties don’t even THINK about interacting it’s about the characters not how they relate to each other 🙃

#better safe than sorry!!!#trc #spn #ambra.txt #anonymous #answer

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meatmandean · 3 years

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hi im sorry to bother you but i was wondering if you could explain what coded means? in relation to “dean/sam/cas-coded dean/sam/cas girl” im autistic and have a hard time keeping up but im interested in what it means. totally fine if you don’t want to though

whoever you’re “coded” as is which character you most relate to. [BLANK]girl (gender neutral) is whichever character you love most!

#Anonymous

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desticuleconfessions · 3 years

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hey desticule. so i have a supernatural-themed girl best friends story that i’ve wanted to share for a long time, especially because none of my irl friends ever rly understood the gravity of this experience w/o the context of spn. there’s a lot of fun parallels to stuff on the show, and its given me like years of brain rot and therapy lmao. so i really deeply appreciate this page as an outlet, thank you so much to the mods for making it. anyways uh. here goes. sorry it’s so long.

[tw: queer trauma, religious trauma, mental illness]

okay so. in 3rd grade i met this girl. we'll call her kate. we became best friends, as in our names were never spoken separately, we did (and won) every science fair together, she came skiing with my family every winter, i stayed with her family at their beach house in the summers, our younger siblings were friends, etc.

our birthdays were exactly 6 months apart (jan 22/jul 22) so we literally believed that we were celestially intertwined.

we wrote a novel together in 8th grade. her family is baptist, we attended massachusetts catholic schools. i would go to church with her family when i slept over, i held hands and said grace with them at meals. they are all tall and blonde and beautiful. classically angelic. i am south asian. i remember introducing her to harry potter in the 4th grade, her mother hadn't let her read em because it was "blasphemous", but i snuck her my copies and she would read them during lunch n recess and keep them in my locker. sorry this seems like a lot of unnecessary detail but it will be important later.

anyways we both got into doctor who and subsequentally supernatural (s1-8?9 at the time). i specifically remember getting her into supernatural. i also remember her instinctive disdain for destiel when i talked about it, i was showing her a meta or fanfic i think, and i talked her through undoing some of her christian household’s internalized homophobia (fully assuming we were both straight at this point) (we were fucking 12). we'd do the whole "bitch" "jerk" thing, i (the older one) affectionately called her 'sammy', her phone password was dean, mine was cas (and they still are). on my 13th birthday, she gifted me a samulet, which i still wear to this day. (additionally, she gave me a vonnegut 'so it goes' necklace one year) (thats not vital but) (goes to show the extent of my dean coding) (im also an aquarius lmao). im highly protective of her. i carry extra rubber bands on my wrist for her. i keep our money and phones in my jacket when the school takes us skiing. i sit next to her in the halls during lunch and organize her binder. on an 8th grade field trip, a boy made a gross comment at her and i broke his nose.

so we start high school together at coed catholic school nearby, i join debate, make a friend also into spn, she's bi. she asks kate out over text. kate's mom sees this. things turn.

now the rest of these things happened over the course of a couple months and due to my trauma memory loss, i have no idea how accurate some of these memories are so uh. don't hold me to them.

- her highly religious mother is not happy with this obviously. at some point, she brings a priest home and tries to have kate exorcised.

- at this point, we learn that kate is schizophrenic; it never seemed to create noticeable issues before bc her home life and childhood was a perfect happy dream (not an assumption, her words).

- she's still coming to school, sporadically now, i bring home her work, spend hours helping her.

- when she comes to school, she has seizures: sometimes we're fortunate enough that they happen in a class we have together. she freezes up and the teacher empties the room. i refuse to leave. i hold her hand and softly sing her favorite song and sometimes she comes back to me. sometimes she doesn’t and the bell rings and the teacher forces me to leave and let the nurse handle it.

- another time they announce a medical lockdown (to keep ppl out of the hallway if someone is being escorted to an ambulance) while im in catholicism class, i immediately know it’s her; she fainted in the pool during swim team practice.

- i stay awake for 6 days straight bc i read online that sleep deprivation induces some of the same symptoms as schizophrenia and if i could understand what she was going through, i could help her

- she shows up at my house w both of her parents 15 minutes before the winter ball, begs me to go bc her parents will only let her if i go. so i do. her mom lurks by the gym doors with the chaperones. during a slow song, kate and debate girl start to slow dance, i grab our friend’s hand, drag him in front of them so her mom can’t see and make out with him.

- i wanted to tell her to stop but i was too afraid i would lose us, that it would seem like i was homophobic or i was jealous, but i knew her in my marrow and it didn’t seem like she was in love or into the relationship, it was willful self destruction

- we talked in the last few years, she confirmed this.

- at some point, she says she’s sorry she didn’t tell me about the voices before.

- when we talk, she’s not her anymore, she doesn’t remember our inside jokes, our codes, i can feel her being slowly ripped away and apart in real time

- i have a vivid memory of arguing with her and her telling me im not real, that her mind made me up, while occasionally speaking to something? someone? else in the room. i hold her hand and point to the matching thin scars on our thumbs and try to convince her im real.

- she eventually drops out entirely, taken to some mental facility that im not entirely sure wasnt conversion therapy (it was definitely a religious facility) (and conversion therapy was not outlawed in new hampshire until 2019) and im not allowed to see her.

- every now and then i get cryptic distressing emails or texts from her.

- one in particular has the subject, “youandiwalkafragilelineihaveknownitallthistimebutineverthoughtidlivetoseeitbreak” which is the first line of the song ‘haunted’ by taylor swift (our shared favorite)(the summer after this happened we collectively decided we needed a new swift Our Song and chose ‘breathe’). the body of the email read “what the hell have i done”

- i pray for the first time in my life, every single day for a few months, in different languages, at temple with my parents, in the chapel at school

- on a club trip, i get a call at 2am from her, crying, asking me why i didn’t help her, why i didn’t stop her, that it was my job to protect her

here’s something i wrote about her, three yrs after:

I wasn’t careful enough and she caught quickly. She burned so close and so bright that for long afterwards, I could not see. And like that, she was gone. I walked into the chapel. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

[that last line is from the latin version for a catholic prayer called the act of contrition, it translates to “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”]

in the fall, i hear she’s starting at a small baptist school almost an hour from her house. she is dating the principal’s son. the principal is also her pastor.

in my second year of college, i have a bad acid trip in a snowy park in december. i put my hands into the snow and when i look at them,i see blood. i see her body in the snow adorned like it’s a funeral

i still have dreams about her. sometimes i meet her in a grassy field, flying kites and i invite her to my wedding. in others, i catch a glimpse of her ponytail and catholic school skirt and chase her up eight flights of stairs and when i grab her hand, she turns to ash.

at some point in a separate argument w my parents in which they went through my texts and found out i wasn’t straight (amongst other things) my dad says:“i knew i should’ve listened to [kate’s dad] when he told me the things you would talk about. he knew what you are. and he took his daughter away from you.”

last christmas we met up and drove around together, she tells me that for years she thought i hated her for letting me down and for abandoning me, and i literally have the dean winchester in ‘sacrifice’ five stages of grief when sam says “you know what i confessed in there?” because i could not even begin to fathom that she ever blamed herself. it had always been my fault. i had failed to save her. i corrupted her and i failed to save her.

anyways she’s fine now, she’s okay, im okay, we’ve talked and unpacked and we’re alright. but uh. yeah. that happened. the parallels make me crazy. now they can make you crazy too.

‎

#tw: queer trauma #tw: religious trauma #tw: mental illness #wow #that is ... a lot #i'm glad both you and she are okay #mod cas #confessions #desticuleconfessions

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frenchiestan · 3 years

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tagged by @tearsofgrace thanks love!!

1. name/nickname: caitlin nicknames: freckles or kale

2. gender: she/her

3. star sign: aries

4. height: 5′9″

5. time: 12:30pm

6. birthday: march 31st

7. favorite bands/groups: walk the moon, queen, p!atd, haim, paramore, imagine dragons, the band perry

8. favorite solo artists: taylor swift, harry styles, hozier, janelle monae, king princess, maggie rogers, florence, lorde, halsey, carly rae jepsen, kesha

9. song stuck in my head: weirdly... wanna be by the spice girls. i could not tell you why lmao

10. last movie: home alone 2

11. last show: new girl (randomly decided to rewatch it)

12. when did i create this blog: technically summer 2014 but i didnt post anything until january 2015

13. what do i post: cas, dean, destiel, cockles, general spn and cast, memes, and gender theory

14. last thing googled: sam purple dog shirt (part of a discussion on how early seasons sam is a lesbian dont worry about it)

15. other blogs: @hemmswrth - aesthetic multifandom blog that i rarely post on anymore whoops

16. do i get asks: ive been getting a lot more recently and im SO BAD at answering them im sorry

17. why i chose my url: because [texas accent] who doesn’t love freckles?

18. following: 348

19. followers: ~2.2k how??!!!?!

20. average hours of sleep: i either get 4 or 10 lol

21. lucky number: 13 (tay tay stans will know)

22. Instrument: i sing if that counts?

23. what am i wearing: americorps tee and no pants ✌️

24. dream job: urban planner either at the nonprofit or municipal level

25. dream trip: 6 months in europe or new zealand

26. favorite food: waffles

27. nationality: american (irish and german decent)

28. favorite song: no <3 (its like a 10 way tie lmao)

29. last book read: currently reading cat’s cradle by vonnegut (its the dean!coding)

30. top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: supernatural, lotr, star trek

tagging @antifacas @valleydean @smiledean @shelikestv @dreamnovak @good-things-do-happen-dean @heller-jensen and anyone that wants to!

#tag games #tearsofgrace #thanks ❤️#feel free to ignore

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infinity-castiel · 3 years

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hi! i’m liam! i thought i escaped supernatural when i was younger but 🤠 here i am a dean coded cas girl

26, he/they, nonbinary..... something. i have brainworms about this damn show and just kept getting dragged back in despite my attempts to walk away. i haven’t actually watched the show through in a while, its more fun talking about it. follows & likes from @impressme-not

anything nsfw is tagged, and my own posts are tagged with ‘my own’

edit to add: i am SO sorry to the people i follow and subsequently spam with reblogs/likes. its mentol illness and sometimes i forget im not on my dash jskgjfjakfngk

#my own

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fandomfollower13 · 7 years

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Summary: what if charlie was at the bunker and the reader at the Blackbird motel. What would deans response be?

A/N if you have not seen 10x21 and 10x22 some spoilers. I do not own supernatural. I did take a imaginative play with the episodes. And the italics mean flash back and i am sorry for all the pov changes Ok enjoy. And i hope you all are having a wonderful day. Love y'all.

Ps sorry for any mistakes

Warning: character death, angst, angry/ murderous dean, little spoilers, mature content, swearing, a little gore. (i think thats it im sorrryyy)

Word count: 2332

Third person view

Sam and Charlie were looking at each other worried Charlie was trying to help Y/n out with the book of the Damned. Y/n and her found it well she did Y/n stole it. Now Sam, her self, Castiel, Rowena and y/n were trying to descript the book y/n was with Rowena and cas or so they thought while Charlie and Sam distracted Dean. But Dean was suspicious he and y/n have been dating for 6 years and y/n had been a little closed of lately.

With Cas and Rowena it wasn’t going well for cas had just found out that y/n wasn’t there. He quickly called sam.

Dean’s point of view

That douche bag Stein has just informed me the book cant be destroyed , which is weird because sam said he burned it. I walked into the library where sam and Charlie where on their computers. Typical.

“Hey Sammy let me ask you a simple question” “yeah Dean anything ” “ did you really destroy the dook of the fucking damnd because Stein douche said it cant be destroyed and i saw you burn it, its gone right” but before he could answer there was a loud crashing sound.

I raced down the hallways Sam and Charlie close behind me. When we reached the ‘dungeon’ the Stein was gone but he ripped his fucking arm off.

“Ok Sammy tell me what your fucking hiding” i said seriously. I was getting angry the mark was not helping. He looked down. “I didn’t burn the book” “And why the fuck not. Sam keeping it is dangerous for all of you. Sam how could be so stupid!” I yelled “We are trying to save you dean we love you” he yelled back “Who else is in on your stupid plan” he looked down agian “Sam tell me. Now.”

“Charlie” i looked at her but she was avoiding eye contact “Cas, Rowena and y/n ” i snapped “Y/N MY Y/N”

Readers point of view

I sat at the crappy table at some crappy motel. I had to get away i couldn’t think. I sat there for a couple minutes and then i figured out the code “Yes! I did it! I did it!” I jumped up so happy but then i heard banging on the door.

“Open up! Give us the book!” More banging i looked around grabbed my knife and computer. Fuck my gun wasn’t with me. I ran into the bathroom.

Dean’s point of view

Sam’s phone rang and y/n’s name popped up. He quickly answered it and his face filled with horror. “What do you mean, y/n they want the book” i snatched the phone away from him “y/n who ever they are what ever they want give it to them” i pleaded “I’m sorry i cant do that dean. I love you dean so much don’t you ever forget that. Please. I love you” she hung up. I grabbed my keys and ran to baby.

I was breaking every speeding law there was. Sam and Charlie were trying to talk to me but i ignored them all i could think about was y/n. She cant be dead. She can’t be dead. She isn’t. I told my self when we finally got to the motel i raced out sam and Charlie close behind.

Her door was broken we followed the blood. She is not dead. I told myself one last time. Before we reached the bathroom. There she was in the bathtub blood everywhere. She had been stabbed in the chest and abdomen, she was broken and bruised. Her neck seemed snap.

I snapped. She was dead. Someone killed her. She was gone. The love of my life gone. Forever. I was furious, inraged, sad. “Y/n” I was crying and my voice broke. I dropped to my knees. She was gone. And the person who did this was going to fucking pay. I dont care if i have to hunt them down to the end of the earth i was going to kill them. I couldn’t think. I heard Sam and Charlie crying. Why was Sam crying this was sams fault.

Sam’s point of view

We carefully carried Y/n’s wrapped body and placed her down. And we set it on fire giving her the proper gokd bye. I was still crying. Charlie was to. Dean was stone faced looking at the flames. It looked like he had no emotion.

“I-I am so sorry y/n. You were a great hunter. Everyone loved you. You were like a s-sister to me and i will never forget you” i finished my speech still crying.

I looked at Dean and finally spoke. “Dean I’m sorry. You’re my big brother of course i was going to fight for you.” I said looking at him but he was still looking at the flames. “You know what I think, I think it should be you up there not her” and he walked away. It hurt to here him say that. But she was dead.

Dean’s point of view

I climbed into baby and raced off. I looked to the passenger side i remember every time y/n would fall asleep there after a long hunt

3 months ago

“I really want some burgers babe, what about you? Babe?” I looked over her knees were brought to her chest, her head resting on they window her hair over her face but her breathing was steady. She was peaceful. And she was gorgeous.

I looked over at her again and she was cold. I pulled over and took off my red flannel and draped it over I kissed her forehead and brushed her hair away.

Y/n was my life. She is my light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what i would do if she was gone. I don’t want to. She had this beautiful smile. Beautiful laugh she is the reason i live besides sammy. Shes been there with me through everything. I dont know how she does it thats why she’s my light. My life.

-back-

I was driving through a town when i saw police lights behind me i pulled over.

“Is there a problem officer?” I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone. “Yeah get out of the car sir” “i didn’t do anything” “step out of the vehicle” i stepped out. Trying not to lose it.

“You have a broken tail light” and one of the cops broke the light i jumped for him but i was handcuffed.

-few hours later-

“Now im going to ask one more time who told you to arrest me” i held the cheif in a choker hold. I was pissed. He finally choked out “t-the s-steins the run the t-town” i broke the fucking steins.

I broke down the door. And i heard guns cock. I looked up to see guns aimed at me. “Ahh Dean Winchester its nice of you to drop by” then it went black.

2 months ago

Y/n squealed as i grabbed her waist from behind and spun her in the air. “Dean put me down” she laughed flashing that beautiful smile of hers “only if you say it” i started tickling her she laughed harder. “Ok, ok Dean Winchester is the most handsome man on the planet” i leand down to kiss her. Our lips molded together perfectly i pulled her closer and hoisted her on the counter. I slipped my tongue in her mouth and we fought for dominance, i won and she wrapped her legs around me pulling me even closer. When we separated we both sucking in air. “Your my angel sweetheart” i pressed my forehead to hers she laughed “what about Cas?” “Oh no not you too” i leaned my head back and groaned i looked at her again “i love you sweetheart ” “i love you too deanie beanie”

I opened my eyes to a blinding light i quickly adjusted. I saw a guy in a doctor coat and a girl in a nurse out fit and another guy.

“Why hello dean” the old fuck said. “Im not in the mood for this what do you want” “your body”

Third person point of view

-at bunker-

Sye (sorry i probably spelt that way wrong) picked up the box Eldon threw on the pile of books along with deans belongings. As soon as he did a bundle of pictures fell out of it. He bent down to pick up the pictures. The were Polaroids of dean and what sye assumed is his girlfriend. Not in knowledge of Eldon brutality killing her. He carefully studied the pictures.

His heart ached. This dean guy was just trying to protect his family. And Eldon, his family wanted to destroy him.

Eldon snatched the pictures “sye we aren’t here to fawn over them we are here to destroy. Now get up and start getting more books” eldon snapped before the other Stein stumbled in with a knife in his back. And dean stepped into view, he looked drained.

“Ah hello dean” Eldon laughed. “I see you come to get revenge for that pretty girl who i killed, she fought back she screamed. It was fun watching the life drain from her, what was her name?” Dean twitched even more inraged than he was before. If that was even possible.

“Her name is Y/n ” he growled, his anger radiating from him “ah y/n. She was a fun one to kill. And these texts and pictures are just icing on the cake” he said pulling out dean’s phone that he had left there. And read the last text they had. Almost four days ago.

Dean sat at a table at one of the dinners that sam and him had stopped by. They were on a shifter hunt. “Hey dean im just going to run to the bathroom order me my regular” “one order of rabbit food comin up Sammy” he smirked sam rolled his eyes.

The waitress came up. She smirked and pushed her boobs up and fluffed up her hair thinking getting something from dean and not just his order. But he didn’t even notice. But sam saw it all. She stomped away. Sam slid in the booth across from his brother.

“She was flirting with you.” He looked up from his phone. He was looking at photos of them together. “What no she wasn’t” he said looking over “oh she did. But you didn’t flirt back. ” “i don’t need too. I have y/n” he looked back at his phone now terribly missing her he texted her quickly.

He licked his lips and smiled. “Stop smiling at your lap” dean looked at him “shut up”

“Oh almost forgot these” Eldon threw the pictures at his feet. Dean gave the quickest glance.

Y/n strummed the strings on dean’s guitar. She smiled she was playing carry on my wayward son dean walked in and smiled. She was beautiful. He saw her camera and quickly snapped a photo. She looked up as he was waving the photo.

“Deeeaannn give ittt” she jumped up trying to grab the photo. “No can do Angel” laughed grabbing her hips and spinning her. Showing her the photo. “I love it” he kissed her passionately they smiled into the kiss. “I love you”

“Oh can’t forget this"he threw a black felt box. The engagement ring he got a few months back. He actually got it when he was a demon. Even the demon him loved her. He was trying to find the perfect moment to give it to her. Thats when he lost it.

He was on the verge of tears. “You know you may have 2 hearts 4 kidneys 6 nipples for the ladies or guys i dont judge but you only have one brain” he shot it hit Eldons head in the middle.

He looked at sye. “Please don’t kill me i-im not like them” he lifted up his shirt “see n-no scars you dont have to kill me ” dean lifted the gun and then looked up at him “yes i do” the shot rang out.

He turned around. His heart still hurt. You were still gone. He still felt like his heart was ripped out. He saw Cas come in. His face showed sorrow. They soon were fighting and dean was winning. He was over cas holding the Angel blade.

“Hey Angel” “dean you can call me Castiel” “not you silly hes calling me Angel” y/n stepped on her tip toes and kissed dean. He smiled into the kiss. Sighing into it.

“Im just going to leave. Before you two move any farther” Cas poofed out.

Y/n leaned back and held onto deans neck smiling. He held her waist and licked his lips looking at her with love.

“You know i love you right” he said “mmm what” she laughed “your going to be the death of me sweetheart” “mm probably but i love you too” she kissed him again melting into it “i will love you forever Angel”

He stabbed the floor right next to his head. Because even in his rage he knew he couldn’t lose anyone one else. He lost you. And it was killing him.

#dean x reader #dean x reader angst #dean winchester #love #supernatural #x reader #castiel #sam winchester #charlie bradbury #stiens

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