Also here’s some other fandom charms I plan to make more of with other characters kyaaa

Very obviously I have frieren god would strike me down if I didn’t draw her actually and I’d willingly throw myself into the abyss. I have a sketch of fern sleeping clutching her staff but I’m I forgot to take a screenie of it LMDAO 🔥🔥🔥

Next is momo ayase because Lawrd. Lawrddd i love Momo and okarun and genuinely the main friend group in dandandan and was gonna also sketch okarun at the time but I fucking hated drawing his possessed form -

I wanted to give her, her semi translucent hands which’s means I gotta understand correctly how Vograce does transparent stuff, I’ll probably make her charm holo as well depending on my mood

Also lastly senku oooooo I fucking finished the manga for dr stone after bingeing the anime again and I am SICK!!! SICK IN THE HEAD!! He means everything to me I fucking love scientist characters just look at modzilla and I love senku + his two girlfriends Gen and Tsukasa because I never see any content for those three 💔

Anywyas I wanted to draw him with his little catch phrase in an dynamic pose an I swear I’ll finish it he means everything to me

Technically I also have a Dipper Pines charm and some Fairy Tail charms (especially of Lucy Heartfilia) but I haven’t found a pose that’s really stuck with me for Lucy and I gotta make dipper’s thing a good bit more cohesive before I decide to move on with the design :3 I hope I’m able to make all of these cool charms tho

DATING IS SO HARD WTF

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

can you draw bfdi g/t?

DUDE SORRY TO REPLY LATE. i haven’t been online much, bUUUUT I GOT YOU COVERD!! I ALREADY DID THAT !!!!! I was just too scared to post it lol

hehe but with human designs, sorry if that’s not suggested!! :’))

i haven’t drawn them in awhile cuz those are from like june, but now i wanna draw them again!! u can suggest charaters and i can humanize them, cuz i’ve wanted to try to do all of them!!! and i know sometimes the heights don’t work like. Why is golfball taller than tennisball. just… shhh.. hush child

the ones i’ve done currently are Golfball, Clock, Fanny, Taggy and Bubble!!! oh,, and cake in that one drawing with clock :) i like him a lot teehee……

Also some of those drawings were done on an aggie with @toastacringe !!! he likes bfdi a lot too and he’s more active with drawing, so you can send him asks aswell!!

did you all know that being alone in a city you don’t recognize is scary

Sad Little Girl

Mood board by my lovey love @iamasaddie tysm 💗

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

Joel Miller x fem!plus size!reader

A/n: hello everyone! I’m back with an actual fic! This one is near and dear to my heart and very personal to me, I hope you enjoy it! Big s/o to @xdaddysprincessxx for proofreading! Ilysm mama 💗💗💗 This fic was made with game!joel in mind! As always constructive criticism is welcome! Enjoy! Likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! 🫶🫶💗💗 (reupload to see if it shows on tags bc tumblr is fucking me hardcore rn.)

Warnings: mentions of SA and heavy trauma, age gap (reader is in her 20s Joel is in his 50s), death of a loved one, also David is mentioned. If I missed any lmk!

W/c: 1.5k

* ・‥…━━━━━━━ *˖◛⁺♡ ━━━━━━━…‥・

Growing up during the apocalypse wasn’t fun. There were many horrible, disgusting men that would do whatever they wanted. The need to survive set aside, they fucked with other people, especially women to get their twisted pleasure. You had fallen victim to that terrible abuse, but out of some sick and twisted mercy the most that had been done to you was being touched inappropriately and had a man expose himself to you. Worst of all? It was in your own home.

Your dad was a part of the smuggling circle and would often have his colleagues over to discuss routes, plans, and merchandise. One of his least trusted associates was the one that tortured you to no end. Because of that you didn’t feel like yourself, you didn’t feel like a girl. As the days passed you wore baggier clothing, you cut your hair to your shoulders, you bound your chest to get rid of any semblance to a woman. What also helped was that you were bigger than the average girl, you thought that maybe you looked broader, more like a male. This was how you coped, how you pushed everyone away.

When you found out your father died it was like a bucket of cold water to your skin. You didn’t know what you were gonna do or how you were gonna get by. A few days after you received the news about your father, there was a knock on your apartment door. Grabbing one of your father’s weapons you hesitantly opened it to find Joel Miller, your dad’s most trusted acquaintance. You lower your weapon and stepped aside to let him in.

“Hey bunny..” Joel began, you never understood why he called you that, based on your appearance you were nothing like a bunny. Not cute, not soft, not friendly.. You were the opposite. “Sorry ‘bout your dad.. Look, your pa on one occasion told me that if anythin’ were ta happen to ‘im for me to take care of ya.. Now I know you're a grown woman that can make her own decisions and take care of herself but I still wanted to offer ya a place to stay.. I know how awful solitude can be and I really care ‘bout ya..”

You had to process what he was telling you but you liked Joel, though you had some very negative interactions with men in the past, he was the only one you trusted aside from your father. You nodded your head in agreement and as the days and weeks progressed you moved your things little by little to his and Tess’ apartment.

You kept to yourself most of the time, mostly passing your time by drawing, reading, or listening to music when you didn’t work. Tess and Joel would sometimes let you go with them to their smuggling jobs but Joel would keep you close.

Joel noticed something was up with you, he noticed your change from the beginning. While your father thought nothing of it he noticed when his cheery-eyed bunny lost the spark in her eyes and became dull. He wanted to talk to your father about it but he felt like it wasn’t his place to say anything. He noticed how you presented yourself, manlier than you used to be and more quiet. Now this change he mentioned to your father.

“Hey man, I noticed somethin’ up with bunny.. Why she dressin’ like that suddenly? Seems like a drastic change..”

But your dad always brushed it off saying it was a phase that you were going through but Joel knew it was more than that.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

It had been a few months that you had been staying with Joel and Tess when one day after Joel and Tess went after Robert, Joel came back with a 14 year old girl named Ellie. You looked at Joel surprised and he pulled you aside to a room to talk about what was happening. He and Tess were going to deliver this girl to the fireflies at the capital and it wasn’t going to take them long.

“I wanna come.” you told Joel, he shook his head “Nah, just me ‘n Tess.. Too dangerous..” That answer didn’t satisfy you. “I’m coming with you. Whether you like it or not.” and you left to go where Ellie was. Joel chuckled lowly and shook his head again, he knew better than to argue with you, you were a little spitfire, just like your dad.

When your journey began you kept to yourself and only spoke if you heard something or needed something. Ellie tried to talk to you but you would only respond with a nod or a shake.

“What’s up with her.. Him? Nah her?” she asked Tess and Tess chuckled. “I don’t know, kid, she’s a nice lady, just quiet is all.” Joel took that chance to check up on you.

“Ya alright? Need anythin’?” you shook your head and Joel left you be.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

Your trip had gone sour, Tess was dead and now you were on route to Lincoln. Tess’ death hit you hard but you know you have to be strong for both Ellie and Joel. After you had all processed her death you figured it would be best to open up now since it was only the three of you left. You began talking more and found that you shared a lot of things in common with Ellie. You two became quickly attached and while Joel did his best to ignore you both, being the ever stoic and grumpy man he is, he was still really happy that you opened up.

Little by little Joel noticed a positive change in you, the sparkle in your eyes was slowly returning and now you openly were conversing and laughing with both Joel and Ellie. Your progress was quickly squandered though when Joel got hurt and by events with David, a creepy school teacher turned psycho cult leader. You took care of Joel while weeping silently, you were scared you were gonna lose the man you trusted, the man you felt safe with. You know you should’ve gone hunting, you know what happened with Ellie is your fault. You both scrambled as you tried to lead David and his men as far away from Joel as possible. But in the end you both got caught. You and Ellie were held in different areas but you panicked as you saw the disgusting look in his eyes. You knew exactly what he wanted to do with you and especially Ellie.

After what happened with Ellie it triggered your PTSD and you just held Ellie as you both wept. You both had been fairly quiet on the trip to the hospital. It killed Joel to not just see one of his girls be quiet and devoid of life but both of them. Especially since you had come such a long way.

That night when Ellie slept he approached you and asked if you both could talk. You agreed and followed him a little away from the camp not to disturb Ellie’s sleep but still keeping a close eye on her.

“Bunny… I’m sorry ‘bout what happened.. you ‘n Ellie didn’t deserve that.. I shoulda been there to protect y’all..” of course Joel blamed himself when it wasn’t his fault at all.. with a sigh you begin to speak. “It’s not your fault Joel.. it’s mine.. I should’ve been more careful towards Ellie.. she.. we..” you burst out crying and for once you felt the warm embrace of someone who loved you. You would cry by yourself at nights, not wanting to disturb your dad with your seemingly insignificant issues.. but for once you cry and you just get held.. you craved that more than anything else.. as much as it pained you, you told Joel everything that happened in the QZ for years before your father died.. he clenched his jaw and held you tighter..

“I wish ya woulda said somethin’ bunny.. never liked that freak anyway.. woulda killed ‘em for ya..” Joel whispers as his lips pressed into your hair. You chuckled and just let the tears fall. It felt good to get it off your chest, to let Joel in.. you felt safe, you felt secure in his arms.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

When you return to Jackson, you’re a whole new person. You and Joel live together in a house while Ellie lives in her shed. You’ve begun to let your hair grow out again, decorating it with cute hair accessories you would find, you’re wearing pretty, fitting clothing, even dresses! Joel sees how brightly you’re shining. No longer are you the shy quiet girl that people assumed was a brute boy. You changed totally. You were truly beautiful in his eyes. You were thankful for Joel, he made you feel safe, he made you feel true peace. Enough to where you felt like you didn’t have to protect yourself anymore, enough to where you could finally be yourself and not worry about getting hurt. He would protect you, he would be there for you. You were his bunny, you finally felt at home.

* ・‥…━━━━━━━ *˖◛⁺♡ ━━━━━━━…‥・

Uh hi, hello there! Sorry to bother but you're the only person I can ask this since your username is named after the ship (that and I've seen your works around and seen you mentioned by countless artists/writers so to me, you're like a higher being in HK Community so by default, you have most answers)

So why's Grollow such a popular ship? I've seen like 10 fanarts of it passed by my dashboard every time I'm here. Can you tell me what's going on rn? Is an event going on with this ship? Was there a confirmation from Team Cherry these two had a thing? Is this HK people's way of coping while they wait for Silksong? All fanfic/arts of it is amazing, don't get me wrong but I've recently got into HK so I'm not sure if I like it yet nor even any ships at all in general besides canon plus that hc of Grimm and Radi being twins makes me confused on why Hollow would be with somebody who's sister tormented them for so long. Makes it so overwhelming, you know?

Sorry if this offends you in any way. I don't mean to do that. I just want to know what's been going on and why's it so popular is all. Again apologies for being rude if I am

Hi Anon!

Gotta admit, this is the first time someone’s ever called me a Higher Being in anything, hahaha. Especially since I’m not only not the origin of this ship (I got the username from my sweet friend @sundimus who let me have it) and I’m also relatively new to the fandom. I think I’m just very loudly outspoken. I don’t usually get into ship discourse, but this sounds like it’s coming from a place with good intentions, so I’ll reply to you with my genuine opinions!

So before I go into explaining why I like Grollow, I will preface with this answer: shipping is a highly subjective topic. In any fandom, bluntly. Sometimes people pick “I like these two because they have similar names” and sometimes people go “I like them because I think they’d be pretty together” etc. Shipping in every single fandom will always be based in large on people’s own personal headcanons and aesthetics. And for everyone who picks a ship not explicitly confirmed in canon, it’s for whatever reason they want, and for the most part I am very ‘ship and let ship’ while avoiding whatever I personally am not interested in.

(FTR, I also think this is an attitude most people should adopt. You don’t have to like what I like. I don’t have to like what you like. What you write or draw is absolutely none of my business. You like sparkle? Draw sparkle.)

Toward that end, I am not here to convince you to like Grollow, nor am I here to imply that disliking it is wrong. It is not a canon ship. There is nothing in canon to indicate that Grimm and Hollow have ever met. It’s not confirmed by Team Cherry, and I don’t think shipping is a ‘coping’ mechanism for waiting for Silksong. I think why people ship things vary anywhere from ‘they’d be cute’ to ‘I saw artwork I liked of them’ to ‘this particular fanfic’s dynamics made me love them.’ And that’s true for ANY non canon pairing! And all of them are valid reasons. Hell “I ship this because my friend does” is even valid. Shipping is such a subjective thing that people can and should do what makes them happy and stay in their own lane, really.

I’m a big fan of the old fandom term ‘YMMV’ (Your mileage may vary). There are some ships I really don’t like. There are some I straight up do not understand. And there are others, like Grollow, that I stand in the corner yelling from the rooftop about. As long as ship is tagged correctly, I am very “if you see something you don’t like but it was tagged, that’s on you. The blacklist exists for a reason.”

Sorry if this kinda sounds a little mean, I don’t intend it to. I just see a lot of people being shamed for liking pairings (And I have personally been shamed for liking Grollow – not by you, but there’s been a few anons I’ve ignored) and I don’t agree with, or support that. I want to make that clear.

So with all that out of the way, time to talk about my * favorites * ~

There are a LOT of reasons that I think Grimm and Hollow work. To start with the most superficial one: they are palette matches. Grimm’s color schemes are red and black, Hollow’s are pale blue and white. They complement each other very well. They also have similar movesets canonically. Ever seen the video from Fireb0rn of the mod where they’re fighting together in the Colosseum? Where their AI practically works together? It’s delightful. It’s undoubtedly unintentional by the developers, but it’s absolutely wonderful and gives me life.

From a lore reason, I will say that I have not, and will never, headcanoned Hollow as the type to blame Grimm for something that his sister (Bc I also subscribe to “they’re siblings your honor”) did. My personal headcanons aside for Hollow, blaming Grimm for the Radiance is something that seems wildly unfair – and since Hollow is a blorbo that is mostly a blank slate in canon, I say they’d never do that.

(I’d like to point out though – so many people ship them with moth OCs. The same argument could be made there. If they’d blame Grimm for Radi, why not her moths who are indirectly responsible for her never dying properly? The answer is because none of us want to believe Hollow is the type to hold a grudge over that against uninvolved people.)

Grimm is literally the antithesis to both the Radiance and to the Pale King in terms of what he stands for. They run from and fear death to varying degrees. Grimm embraces it. He welcomes it. From death he is reborn, and so instead of running from it, he runs towards it. He’s a Higher Being who directly involves himself with mortals instead of staying aloof. He uses a mortal vessel (just like the vessels were created to hold Radi, his own are created to hold him) but everything in canon suggests that, at the very least, this is an agreement, not forced. You CAN argue that he’s forcing Grimmchild into this ritual and that it’s bad – Brumm/the Banishment ending certainly implies that – but I’ve never subscribed to it because every other character’s dialogue disagrees with that. I’ve personally always took it to be ‘Grimmchild and Grimm 100% agree to this.’

In this regard: They are cinematic foils. Grimm, who dies to be reborn, a willing vessel for the Nightmare flame, who chooses this existence. Hollow, who cannot die despite trying, a ‘willing’ (if very heavily forced into it) vessel for the Radiance, who clearly does not want this existence and is doing it out of a sense of duty—to their father, to Hallownest, to whatever motivation you decide to chose for Hollow here.

Canon is very loosey-goosey in personalities. The beauty of environmental storytelling is that we can fill in a lot. And as the above: I’ve filled in that they are foils. That’s where my mind took it.

So how do these people who are veritable opposites meet, how can they become romantically attached?

I took one look at the Radiance and went ‘abusive.’ I have my own interpretations of her, but the easiest explanation without this becoming entirely about her is one of Grimm’s lines from my own fanfic: “Those with similar scars recognize them in others.” [1]

Abusers are people first and foremost. The Radiance, in my headcanons, is very abusive to everyone in her life. That includes Grimm. I do not see them as loving siblings, because her nature is very self-absorbed; she clearly, canonically, does not see other peoples emotions. Do I think she intended to hurt Grimm? Probably not. But I do believe that she was abusive, because someone who was willing to wipe out Hallownest to try and maintain control would not simply be that way overnight, and only at one specific enemy. People like that… they’re like that to everyone. It’s not an if they abuse you. It’s a when they do it.  

Starting to see where I’m going with this? I believe that the Radiance was cruel to Grimm – and that he’d see very similar traits to himself in Hollow.

I also believe that if you headcanon that Hollow can dream – before, after, during the imprisonment – there’s no way in hell they did not have Nightmares. The most common interpretation in fandom is after imprisonment with the belief that the seals would’ve kept Grimm out (a theory I subscribe to) but it’s clear that Hollow could dream when Radi was sealed within them. For this ship to work, most people say that they can continue to dream after. And nightmares would naturally bring them to Grimm’s realm. I personally subscribe to the belief that he would absolutely interfere to help them, because as I said: I believe he has similar scars, and he’d want to help.

A very common fandom interpretation is ‘Hollow is afraid of Grimm’ and I think that’s very valid. They probably would be at first. He’s a dream god. That’s frightening to them after what they’ve been through. For this ship to work, both of them have to be willing to work through that. Which circles to my next point of: this ship only ever works if its written with them becoming friends first. Friendship based on patience, understanding, and respect, as well as healing. Hollow straight out of the egg, in my opinion, ain’t crawlin’ into anyone’s bed. You’d be lucky if they even wanted to crawl into their own. Pretty sure they just want to sit and remain still until a new order comes. Poor traumatized thing. In every interpretation of this pairing that I’ve liked, Grimm has been working with Hollow to work through their pain, from a place of genuine understanding and empathy from what they’ve experienced. [2]

As for how this friendship becomes ship? The Author Is Demi, my friend, and I headcanon both of them to be as well. Any good romantic relationship should, in my opinion, have a very strong foundation based in friendship, in genuine fondness for one another. And it is COMPLETELY OKAY to leave their relationship here, if you’re ‘hey I support aroace’ or even just think that’s all that it needs to be. But me? I’ve always looked at Hollow as someone who loves too much, loves too deeply, pours their whole heart into something. It’s a hard heart, riddled with scars, from people who have mistreated it throughout their life, but their base nature is someone who does nothing halfway. You get everything or you get nothing.

So of course I headcanon them as a romantic, who wants someone to love and accept them unconditionally, who wants someone who sees their scars and rather than wanting to fix them, wants to complement them. Of course I headcanon them as someone who, below their façade of feeling nothing, wants to be complete, wants to belong, and wants to be good enough when all their life, they’ve been told that what they are is wrong, isn’t okay, isn’t right. And Grimm, who is old enough to understand that and may even have similar history depending on how he’s written, is perfectly suited to do all of those things. To be that person. Because, personally? I believe he wants all the same things. Someone to accept him as he is. Someone who is not afraid of death. Someone who isn’t intimidated by the Ritual. Someone who will stay.

In short: They’re cute, your honor.

At the end of the day, it’s all about what you think fits with the characters. Some people write them as never getting along. Some people write them as just friends. Some people write them as straight enemies. Since they never meet in canon, it’s an open sandbox. This is the castle I’m choosing to build. You can, and should, build whatever one you like.

Obligatory: queer platonic relationships are ALSO valid, if you wanna take that spin on it. My q key is being a jerk to me so I was avoiding that word in this massive reply dskdksgj but it's still very valid

But if my soap box has brought you onto team Grollow, or at least opened your mind to the possibility, I’d be happy to recommend some of my favorite fics. If it hasn’t, I hope I’ve at least clarified things for you, anon. Thanks for your question!

[1] White and Gray, chapter 33: The Last Laugh is Mine

[2] Yes, I know, my most popular Grollow fic doesn’t wildly play with this. Shades of Black does. Living Dead was more ‘for fun,’ less ‘I feel the need to explain this ship.’

MacMahon Legacy | Gen Three, Roxana

“ you’d probably expect the former president’s daughter to be a well-mannered, respectful young lady, but with that you couldn’t be further from reality. after forming a strong bond with her terrible role model of a grandpa, roxana is preparing to take his legacy a step further. time to cause some chaos.. ”

keep reading for rolls.

martial status: couple

FINALLY!!! i can keep a spouse 😭 although i’m not sure how i’m going to go about keeping a happy couple this gen, the miscellaneous fun roll might make it tough 😅

children: five

...my fucking god. rest in peace my sanity trying to take care of them

primary career: crimelord

roxana is just gael’s evolved form

secondary career (spouse’s career): detective

oh my god corrupt detective intentionally covering up his crimelord wife’s wrongdoings. i am so in love with this concept 😭 @whiimms made him for me and i’m so excited to get him out here, but it might be a while until we see him! he’ll be the second last dad we meet

generational goal: deadbeat parents

(the heir, spouse and helpers may not help their children this generation, apart from basic needs. this includes helping with homework, mentoring or encouraging children in skills, and reading books to them. for toddlers, it is permitted to provide basic care such as food and diaper changes, but try to avoid any parent-child interactions that raise a skill bar, such as flash cards, reading books, potty training and so on. each child should age up to young adult with at least one negative character trait)

not only does she need to have five kids.. she isn’t allowed to help them with skills or communication 😐 i am gonna change this slightly though!! i’m making it so that other household members can help the kids, because otherwise i’d surely go insane. mommy rox won’t be super involved with the kids but grandpa theo and uncle raff can help out. most of the dads aren’t sticking around anyways.

miscellaneous fun: half-siblings

(sims born this generation must each be with a different partner)

not only does she need to have five kids, and not only is she not allowed to help them, they all need to be from different fathers. oh my fucking god. this gen is insane how am i going to cope 😭 you might have already seen the post but take a look at them here!

after 10 months, 402 posts and 1453 pictures, the macmahon legacy finally reaches gen 3!!!

okay sorry to be soppy here, but i really just wanna say thank you so much to everyone who interacts with my legacy 😭😭😭 ngl sometimes when i have bad days i go back and read comments or tags on my posts and it really does make me feel that bit better 🥺 i’m so honored that there are people that follow along each post and care about my silly little characters!! hopefully you find this generation as entertaining, ily everyone reading this rn ❤️❤️ it really really means so much

Hi Riri, I hope you don’t mind me venting a little, I just don’t have anyone to talk to and you’re like the only person I know who probably gets it. - I haven’t taken the JJK episode very well, I feel very crushed and heartbroken. I’m too scared to search anything Mahito rn, because I don’t know how I’d handle all the hate. I feel very silly for feeling so strongly, but that was my comfort character… I just want to hug him 💔

I get it.

While I personally find the amount of hate in the tag funny, humour is just one of the ways I cope. Seeing the number of people in the tag get as upset as they are, again, shows how amazing the writing is for both the plot and all characters involved - not just Mahito.

This being said, many don't understand that dumping all that in the character tag can be downright cruel. When you search a character up in the tag, you want to see actual content for said character; and if all you see is hate it can be really fucking upsetting when all you want is to see a few gifs, fanart, fics, etc.

People can be dicks, and I'm sorry you're feeling so downtrodden. The block button is your friend.

@crossover-enthusiast

Sorry your ask wasn’t showing up on mobile (they do that sometimes) and i typed it up on here so yknow I’m just tagging you

THANK YOU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Me rn

So anyways let’s go

He’s 22

He’s also autistic

He’s used to masking a ton and it’s difficult for him to stop himself from doing that

Humor to cope

I feel like the mental aspect of the incident was really hard on him (aside from like yknow everything else)

Also he was and still is a major theatre person

Like he likes to sing around the house all of the time, has been in multiple productions, both onstage and as tech crew

Also he definitely did video editing in hs

I really like the headcannon that he carries a camera around with him

And also he probably made like little movies In hs

Him, the vampire (Ethan?) and the blue zombies (he gives an Oliver vibe) we’re friends

More specifically, him and Ethan were childhood friends

And him and Oliver met in hs

Speaking of meeting in hs he met Kevin when he was 17 and Kevin was 16 (I always mix up sophomore and junior)

They went to prom together!! <33

Jaune kept on insisting on getting more pictures

Ross and Streber have a good relationship (not super close, but good)

Jaune absolutely loves streber and is probably like ‘OMG IVE HEARD DO MUCH ABOUT YOU!!’

We love a supportive mom

get married some time in late 2014/early 2015 (gay marriage is legalized in Arizona yippie)

Nightmares

Lots of them

Also like he absolutely loves everything Halloween related

And horror movies (although doesn’t do that well with gore)

Babysits the spooky kids

They love him

House is decorated for Halloween year round and decorations around the house are Halloween themed

The kind of person skid and pump would grow up to be tbh

Used to wear his vampire costume all of the time (like skid and pump)

And yeah I’m his is getting long but thank you again for asking

It's been 2 months are you alive rn?

You know how I know this isn’t about me like being okay and healthy enough to post?

BECAUSE IF YOU HAD BOTHERED TO WCROLL THROUGH MY BLOG YOU WOULD KNOW MY GRANDFATHER DIED

I so badly wanted to be optimistic and nice and think oh this person as probably just asking cause they are worried but like no because yes it’s been 2 months since I wrote taken me for granted BUT I TRIED TO COMPENSATE AND POST OTHER STUFF

IM SORRY MY BRAIN DOES NOT ADHERE TO YOUR READING NEEDS OR YOUR WRITING SCHEDULE

IM SORRY I WAS TOO BUSY COPING WITH MY REAL LIFE RESPONSIBILITIES TO WRITE THE SECOND PART OF TAKEN FOR GRANTED like bish???

I know you had innocent intentions sending this in or at least no intentions that warrant this much anger on my part but my inbox has 85 such asks about the fact that it’s been too long or requests for tag list when I have clearly put it that tag lists are closed

I have tried to compensate by putting up a prompt list and also posting pieces I wasn’t ready to post but people don’t seem to care so like I’m at my wits end

…im seriously considering patreon or at least setting up a tips of kofi

…There is an apology in the tags for all the nice readers…😭😭😭

alastair/alice carstairs/jahanshah, strength and suffering

closing up alastember, a little late I’m sorry, I wanted to finally write out my thoughts on @thevagabondexpress’ characterisation of Alice, the genderbent version of Alastair. And mostly how this character got me so emotional, so much more than Alastair himself. From her POVs early on and her own insecurities and perceived invisibility to the whole shitshow with Claire and her time rebuilding and reconnecting with family and how she stood up tall (metaphorically) during the whole thing. I have to admit I did harbour a bit of prejudice towards bully-Alastair (courtesy of NBS era) but I think this re-characterisation has made me realise some things:

1) I wish we got to see this much of what happens in Alastair’s personal life in canon, I’d absolutely melt because something just does it for me about (usually) men who are prickly on the outside and yet suffer so much and through it all are proud and independent and reluctant to accept help but they finally do and it’s the most beautiful thing ever. And so a big shoutout to anyone who has fleshed this out in their fics over the last month (tumblr seems to be not taking my tagging rn, I don’t get it but you know who you are. I think). Like we did get some cuteness with Cordelia once she knew and accepted Alastair for who he really is (once the eavesdropping was forgiven). And maybe it’s easier for a woman to find comfort and emotional support from her Persian relatives than a man (seriously, when can men be emotionally vulnerable and still respected?) but I would LOVE to see Alastair free to do that, Thomas by his side.

2) is it the way that women seem more vulnerable because of Social Features or this very talented authorship that has me just feeling everything? Because the genderbent versions of all of the tlh characters are so much more heartbreaking to read, albeit and a really warm, inviting-hugs-from-reader way. Is it because Thomas always narrates the way he sees Alastair as ‘proud’ and ‘glorious’ and likened to a ‘Persian prince’ and goes on about his forearms that the Alastair we see seems someone heroic, in the way that we’re conditioned for men to ideally be and that includes a stark contrast from the Emotionally Sensitive Softhearted Men Who Are Definitely Unrecognised Neurodivergent Cassandra Clare is famous for? (Which in some ways Alastair is a nice change from, personality wise, not that he’s not sensitive but that he’s practical first, too practical to ever show how much he’s hurting). Is it because of the heartbreaking abuse situation with Claire and the ED stuff and how much we see it breaking saeed’s heart when he finds out, and also when he realises exactly what Esther has done to her and connects the dots between the two situations she should never have gone through, that Alice seems so uncharacteristically vulnerable? Because there really isn’t much difference compared to canon, except for gender and the others’ reactions likely as a result of it. Is it the way we so easily project physical attributes onto how we view someone, and maybe I’m not immune to that when I read how tiny and thin she ends up at points in her story? No matter what, it’s clear that both characters are incredibly resilient, and sometimes it’s a good thought experiment to see someone genderbent if it makes you realise that.

3) prolonged childhood trauma and parnetificarion (don’t ask me to fix its spelling. Sorry) and neglect are absolutely brutal things to go through and even though she herself was affected (and I often wonder if she was ever in Alastair/Alice’s shoes as a child) Sona does have a lot to apologise for as well as Elias. We see how it flows into relationships (ie with Charles/Claire) and when Saeed tries to make things better and holds Esther accountable, I was really glad and relieved to see that. Alastair goes through everything he does like it’s normal and he’s willing and that’s how he copes, but I’m DYING for him to realise how much better he deserves, and I’m glad, really glad, that Alice kind of makes her way towards that realisation. Because he deserves the world. So many good things. He really does.

4) the solidarity between Alice and Judith, both around Judith’s ruination, the collaboration for the house, Judith’s insistence Claude supports Alice, and there are many more occasions. I just love to see it. As women, or really teenage girls, it’s easy to see similarities between them: despite their vastly different family backgrounds they’ve both been abused and ruined, they’re both experiencing Big Mental Health Things Claude doesn’t completely understand but still tries his best to be there for. As men, or teenage boys really, we do see them working together sometimes and mostly being not too mad at each other—but there’s so much anger and a history of violence and all the never fully resolved things from the academy that still grate against me. Because of Cordelia in the middle of them who would do great as Claude does to have the siblings in law have a relationship of solidarity, but also because the similarities are there and I just so badly want to see them heal together. I think with Thomas and Matthew’s help they’ll get there, but I also don’t think we’ll see it in canon. I guess if I’ve learned one more thing from this, it’s that that’s what fanfiction is for.

to wrap this up I’m going to make a few final additions to the Alastair playlist (who do I tag for this?? Please, trust my song selection!) that both differentiate Alastair and Alice and also bring them together. Firstly, because the SGFG brainrot shows no signs of expiry, these two 5 seconds of summer songs are applicable to both of them, yet one is more one and the other more the other, as you will see:

-invisible. This is SUCH and Alice song, from the first time we meet her, and hear how ‘what she does best’ is disappearing. i was already missing before the night I left/just me and your shadow and all of my regrets (bold because italics decided to Not Work. I’m never writing a long post on my phone again) anyway to me this captures so much of how Alice is feeling. I feel like being a woman she’s able to be more vulnerable about this than Alastair who is definitely feeling this but to him it’s normal, and I think hidden behind the family responsibility he feels, he normalises it and doesn’t even acknowledge it as something he’s dealing with

-jet black heart. Everything about this is Alastair. From the “hurricane underneath it trying to keep us apart/I write with a poison pen/but the chemicals moving between us are the reason to start again” (Thomas lightwood, do you know how magical you are?) to “the blood in my veins is made up of mistakes” (the one line I need Alastair AND Matthew AND James AND Grace to all bond over) it’s just. Utter perfection and I’ve never seen such hope and self-deprecation co-existing before. “Maybe there’s nothing after midnight that could make you stay” reminds me of Charles and Alastair and how he takes that hurt and the view of himself it builds into his relationship with Thomas. I don’t think Alice is quite as self-deprecating and it’s more than being left that she goes through, control and many many bad things—I hope she finds some radical love for herself and stays away from self deprecation. But it’s a good song, so it stays

-youth by shawn mendes feat khalid is one I love that so captures the hope and pride and dignity and determination to do good despite everything that’s been done to them that both Alice and Alastair have. Pain, but I won’t let it turn into hate, no I won’t let it change me. (Look, italics works again smh) and this soul of mine will never break/as long as I wake up today, you can’t take this youth away

-finally, one that’s about family and because I seem to connect everything with the same 5 musicians, it’s Scar by Ashton Irwin. Talking to his mother, younger sister and baby brother it even fits Alastair’s family perfectly—but Alice is the one who bonds with her grandmother and Persian relatives. And the “can you help me be a better man” is just so. So what Alastair longs for without having had that guidance as a child.

hi sorry if this is triggering but I was looking through the pocd tag and I came across pr*shippers, for the past month I’ve been obsessing over tbe fear of becoming one and I was wondering if theres overlap in the communities? I’m genuinely so panicked rn

hello! don’t worry this isn’t triggering for me at the moment so I’ll be happy to answer. I’m actually not super well-informed on how much the communities overlap, but there does seem to be some between certain people with POCD using the community to cope/expose themselves to being called one despite not engaging with any of that specific content. I personally do not do this, but if you’re worried that POCD individuals aligning themselves with proshippers means they’re secretly all predators and in turn it makes you one, I can promise you that’s not the case. My best advise would be to simply block the proshipper tag, and if you’ve already done that, maybe seek other POCD sources like tiktok or YouTube (there’s actually lots more on both sites than you’d think!). I hope this helps, there’s also an NOCD app that has a lot of people with POCD on it, so you can vent and also see other peoples struggles you may relate to. Please take some deep breaths, get some water to drink, and put on some relaxing music/videos if you’re still panicking. I promise that you are safe and loved <3

Help

Idk how to identify my coping skills and the chances of me getting professional help rn are close to 0.

How do I find out what kind of coping skills work for me?? Even trying seems so hard, im always worrying I'll try something and fail and so ill edhaust all possible solutions.

Im barely hanging on my bursts of "good times" and just taking advantage of that...but I'm noticing that I'm starting to get worse with that and having more of "bad times" than good ones

If you scroll through our blog you should find some. or go through the actuallyadhd tag, i’ve found great stuff in there.

i should probably start tagging tips as tips, lol.

i’m sorry you’ve been having bad times, anon. sending hugs if you’re comfortable with them. 💕

Proud Reject (Part 1)

I’m literally blind my eyesight has deteriorated further everything’s blurry the day starts in bed & ends like that too no sunlight no connection with the outside world no one to talk to just my phone and my thoughts & loads of tears… that’s how everyday begins and ends. Its not self imposed, this happens when you are isolated by people. I can’t type but I wanted to write this… I love this mini story or script more than my next book even though the book’s more interesting but out of personal choice I like the story which I’ll be sharing tomorrow more than that, it’s not on any professional level it’s just something I would’ve discussed with a friend and laughed ie. if I had friends, something started that particular “topic” and I couldn’t help wondering… what if?

My heart was in my mouth again cuz I received a reel on FB which had his friend Aditya (he was either pretending to be him in 2016 or he himself inspite of being engaged was interested idk) they were dancing like most tv ppl and I got another panic attack… my mother was already torturing me, I woke up with high fever I still have fever headache it’s been there since a week I’m getting wheezing due to continuous crying and I realised that he wants someone famous to make such videos too. Someone rich and famous like that. Even in abroad there’s no pressure, over there all those celebs (who are are much more popular) even the ones in their early 20s when they make videos that too just one or two out of fad, they film it on their cheap phones they don’t care about the blurry quality they are not trying to sell it, they just don’t care about all that and those who are of my age (still nowhere close to Aditya, he was older than Harsh also) some of them, even if they have all those pics that I personally like (with their boyfriends - trekking or at the lake, casual everyday candid shots) they still find it hard to cope with social media and they eventually take a break from it, had they been in my position they too would’ve ended up like this out of all that pressure. I can’t keep up with your life. Few things that I’ll like to share before starting with my story, A - the sketches I’m sorry if he was hurt. I had not made them, my book wasn’t like Rupi Kaur’s either it never had those intimate doodles. I think my mother stalks me (I don’t want to write about her publicly but I have to share all this please don’t judge me by her) and she has taken advantage of a lot of things and also challengingly said “Did anyone come to help you? Everyone hates you and no one pays attention no one cares, everyone wants you to die and you will die alone like this” she has also told me a lot of hurtful things related to that guy, taking advantage of that as well and and the problem is (my hands are cold n numb lifeless rn) I can’t convey my feelings directly through some app or something so I have to rely on these public posts NO MAILS he ain’t some God or Celebrity (being a celebrity means being celebrated not deprecated) I’m not some groupie or teenager to mail my fav celebrity crush and he doesn’t belong to any boy band. What’s in it for me? Will I be rescued from my mother or helped with my health issues which started DUE TO HIM? Or is he just gonna sit there reading my mail, getting happy with all the validation after which he’ll ignore it. Am I that? Hahaha I’m not into human worship. We are more focused on our lives… especially those like me in my position. She has told me several times that I’m a “sl-u-tt” for being in LOVE or for falling in love. She also came up with the forcer tag even thought it was torturous for me and I kept crying and saying STOP stop stop cuz for us as girls rape or force is worse than murder, I never wanted him to marry me just to take responsibility for his actions I never wanted to punish him with myself and I always respected him and I’ll continue to do so I’m not his fans to write cheap comments like I saw in that dancing video (they were writing about his shirt). That tacky shirt made the whole video even more disturbing, and I didn’t see the entire thing I was in the middle of a panic attack, I just saw one shot then I died. After that I vomited, my pressure was falling rapidly and I kept crying for days cuz you know what right… (25th Oct) anyway I never shared this (one more reason/aspect) like that Chote Pandit tells Ruhaan or Ruh Baba “Aap par aise chichore kapde jajte nahi hai” I was like aah that is what they call it… anyway haha but I don’t want anyone who is being an “eye candy” for other females on television, they come and hit on him in comments that too cheap comments. Yes everyone’s doing it but that’s why we are so depressed and you are anyway not with me I don’t even get a fraction of your day or time.

My mother used that word force several times (she has said other unimaginable offending things too) cuz I was crying and it was triggering me, she said it because I wanted him to say something (but we weren’t even discussing that) for talking or communication cuz I just wanted his OCD to break. It started within 24 hours and not how you might think we met on 2nd Oct then 2 years later 2nd April and I know that we all feel jaded to text sometimes or keep the conversation going, we might not feel enthusiastic anymore after that initial excitement or whatever but it wasn’t like that, if it would’ve been that I wouldn’t have even taken so much stress. We’ve all done that at some point in our lives, internet makes us lethargic, we also get addicted to more exploration or finding new people to talk to… we feel like we can do better or take our time to choose whoever’s the most ideal for us, but his case was totally different.

At some point we would all respond or say something maybe after a week or even after getting let’s say - reconnected after losing contact or reaching a temporary impasse. We wouldn’t hold on to any grudge or some kind of a “promise” he swore never to talk to me, there was nothing to be mad about, he just decided that we will never have any direct contact his parents also said “We don’t want to keep any talukaat (contact) particularly with your daughter” he kept liking my pics BUT not replying to any of the texts (when he started liking my photos religiously I texted him on FB messenger because I thought maybe my texts weren’t getting through and I wasn’t receiving his due to some glitch but he READ those FB texts and still didn’t respond) and even after that he was liking the pics then when I told him “Are u feeling sorry for me, why do you keep liking the photos, is it the BB pin what you wanted, I even gave you a reason that too it was all funny and I gave it the very same night as soon as I woke up in the middle of it I gave it” he removed me from the list after that. I am getting wheezing I can’t get overwhelmed I had shared the exact thing which I told him when he was asking for my pin (long ago) I can’t keep reiterating everything everywhere. He then kept blocking and ignoring my real account but speaking to the fake ID

The coincidences and those premonitions in my dreams had already started which made me more curious about his behaviour so I tried talking to him but that fake ID like I said was for my school friend who was also stalking me with her fake ID. And I would not see his stories or anything, I was playing her Snapchat story but his was queued so it started playing by default where I saw that training session. When I tried speaking to him using my real acc… he not only blocked me AS SOON AS HE HEARD MY NAME (like I said he wanted no “direct” contact between me and him) he also made his account private. He made me feel like a stalker, I had already started getting panic attacks and I had stopped watching TV it has been off since then (2015 Sept) I tried moving on in Aug itself but I told you what happened over and over again, same old story repeated heartbreaks… cuz they only wanted girls like me as a call girl and according to them only pageant winners or models, fair and rich or extremely famous girls even those with notoriety (nothing worth all that attention) who were out of their league were all meant for dating. I never fell in that category. Eventually they ended up with actual call girls. I have seen their pics and I’ve seen some in real life too. All those other girls whom they were chasing would treat them like “fans” karma. Not only actors everyone these days does that and then girls of my level (caliber) get married to roadside romeos and illiterate creeps/pervs cuz all those men also want someone out of their league and they prey on us… this is a common problem in India. Anyway like I said I just wanted to see if he still remembered me by the end of that year and if he still hated me (for no reason) I had not added him to view his stories but he blocked me and made everything private. I’m twitching it affects me subconsciously now… my mother also makes me feel like this after years of (weird) coincidences which were linked to him and all that insensitivity (the story escalated he never made peace his behaviour only got worse along with all that humiliating ignorance) since she called me a “sl-tt” for falling in love with him I eventually ended up telling her that her marriage was literally arranged it wasn’t a love marriage but yet she got prégnant so many times so was that out of love or lust? I never wanted to get on such terms with her but she would keep torturing me (she had thrashed me ruthlessly even after getting fibromyalgia several times cuz I have no one in this world to support me or tell her anything) she has in fact told me a lot of harmful and offending things (out of gloating) “Dekho kuch aur kabhi koi nahi mila iss aurat ko yeh akeli hi reh gayi” and laughed (I was 25) I’ve been getting addressed as aurat or woman ever since I was 12. I was told I should’ve drowned during 26th July floods and never returned from school I would sit on the stairs with my heavy bag famished and parched everyday after coming home for 2-3 hours cuz my mother would not leave keys for me, and then get tortured at home for another one hour, I would keep telling myself one day someone will come and all this would end but I ended up being bed ridden because of whoever came and it continued for many more years to come, all my youth and adulthood.

I was never a likeable girl whom you could fall in love with, I never had those superficial attributes (white complexion, money, fame etc. they would only try to treat us like call girls that’s why I’m a lip virgin) . When I said about love and arranged marriages she said she had every right cuz she was legally married and I’m a forcer rapist (for wanting to know the reason behind his sudden silence and that absurd behaviour) she keeps saying or blurting these things out because of unrequited love cuz no one likes or wants me, it’s perceived as a social stigma in India. Cuz there’s nothing from the opposite side not even care or basic concern as a Co-human literally how can someone be so insensitive? She says all that derisively, again out of gloating and competition just to pull me down as another female. Today things were worse even though I had wheezing and I’m still getting it + fever and headache. I’m gonna cut it short now I’ve written a lot…

So coming back to the OCD or whatever part where he had made a rule that there would be no direct contact - he would either speak to my fake ID or use his own friend’s ID but one of us had to be someone else. Go through this link: https://www.lilacnights.com/post/surprise The other day I murmuring in my sleep I was so disoriented I kept saying “Aditya came with his gf Aditi… God knows for what, Harsh was also 10 kms away Aditya had said he would go to some bakery in Kandivali for evening snacks Kandivali is where they would reside he was at his house even though he would always be 6 kms away which is Malad” then I said to myself “No wake up it’s Tanvi not Aditi obviously”

I had told you, the Devil or angels all these entities in fact can probably read our minds and you know when I was browsing certain quotes it’s as if they were talking to me… one of them reflected exactly what I was thinking a few days back - Since I had seen his house in 2015-16 I knew he wasn’t rich and like I said he wasn’t even that big on Instagram or FB no blue tick and 2500-3000 followers with 250 likes, from his (natural) pics I thought he wasn’t that good looking or fair (it’s just that he wasn’t very photogenic) and so I fell in love with him but then some tarot reader told me (I had to rely on all that cuz he was not saying anything) that he was reluctant cuz he thought I was like a gold digger so I started cutting down all my expenses worked on several articles for my blogs back then, I was 20 but I was trying to be as understanding as possible… I started buying things on Sale literally if you’ve noticed for 100s-1000 all these years because of my panic attacks I never saw him after 2016 Feb and I thought maybe that is what he wanted there was anyway no hope from the others, and I had coincidences or signs here so I thought I’ll do this and then I realised it was all futile, all the selflessness and altruism it just wasn’t worth it. I even wrote a letter and clarified/acknowledged that it could be one sided while also sharing my feelings for him cuz I thought he would also cut down on his expenses because his brother was jobless like mine. That’s why I hate today’s generation they ruin everyone’s life along with their’s but I’m from Gen Z I’m actually younger than his younger brother it’s just that they are always like that, they have no pressure or expectations. I poured lots of love in that letter for this part but he hated me and then he had that stage show with her which broke my heart and I never gave it and my mother also was about to hit me again cuz she secretly read that (it had nothing which could’ve made her that livid or furious not even like a proper I love you or anything) she just said “Stop trying to look great or good” I saw the Devil’s numbers so I’m guessing it was him you had read my mind when I was telling myself that it was all wrong, I shouldn’t have ever tried being ideal for someone like that when he was already well off or rich or good looking he never needed love like me that’s why he never even understood anything, I don’t know why his house looked like that or if like ppl say Gujjus actually hide money but it was all deceptive, he was already too good he never needed love he was in a way better position. I kept saying I should’ve enjoyed and loved my life instead of getting bed ridden and cutting down everything, living on that bare minimum stuff c’mon… he showed a quote which had the exact same emotions and it was talking about all this too.

Then there were more quotes again with my thoughts but with answers this time - As a piece of advice *clears throat* the Devil’s like “Times change, we change, our choices change too… maybe you should just live out your dreams now” the background images everything all the signs suggested/reminded me of the rest of the stuff, let’s say he wants some tv actress to make those stupid immature dance reels (remember what had happened last time right? Two of them in their 40s made a misogynistic video where he was liye talk throwing her around and getting abusive and for some reason that was supposed to be funny and then that guy that “actor” he actually slammed her head against the wall in real life cuz he was having an affair) the fortune telling app said he wants someone “talented” to make those reels and earn money ummm seriously? You are going to hold auditions and another Swayamvar for this? You actually need talent for such stupid ass videos? Really? 😂🤣🤣🤣 He reminded me of my dreams (ironically the Devil not him) and he’s right here so if he is “rejecting” me for these reels like overage teenagers then even I will say - I want some NRI who stays abroad and who will take me away from all this (I gave examples of so many famous celebrities from MY age group all these ppl making videos are older, those celebs they don’t do all this and even if they do it cuz it’s a fad now it’s shot on blurry pixelated quality for fun not money and some of them they take all those cute casual pics and use Instagram like a digital album like some of our Indian Bollywood celebs and that’s it, they don’t turn this into a career that too most of it is just for attention) so yeah he’s right if he’s rejecting me for that especially after I’ve become conscious I don’t even look good so yeah I’m not suitable for the camera I have become agoraphobic I haven’t left my room since 2017 I’ve become bed ridden and he is still thinking selfishly about his own life then I also want a rescuer an actual hero who will take me abroad because why is he even staying India? Just got fame right? You hardly get anything here, we needed something for our living room and bathroom some important fixtures and even there there’s literally no choice or even proper functionality. If you see the state of our roads or the air quality outside you’ll literally feel like shifting there… it’s getting worse day by day, we hardly get any quality product here, prices are getting hiked and unlike abroad there are no alternatives, I keep getting cheap ads from “homegrown businesses” in India who are busy making Sx toys, the land of superficial Kama sutra and Chappis or pervs what else do you expect? Indians don’t need beautiful cosy homes or designer spaces (that too in a budget) or other things such as good quality food or air or any kind of consumption like that cuz they are only good at fcking and having kids. Our population shows that there are literally no brains here… my head is paining.

My mother would never believe or support me when I would say I’m always about to face molestation in the school bus cuz I’m my stop was last and I would be the only girl left everyday I would force myself to somehow keep away my head wud keep banging against the window cuz I would get drowsy, they (driver and cleaner) didn’t even spare a KG toddler, I eventually took things into my own hand and the cleaner’s frustration was evident that day and when I grew up I saw smother school bus’s driver ogling me (when I was a teenager) in my car, I immediately looked behind to see if they were being accompanied by a teacher cuz that was a new rule but the teacher was sitting obliviously completely ignorant to that in her own sweet world… (Jamnabai Bus) another toddler’s case came on tv that year where they parents had paid 10k for her picnic where she was raped and the teacher kept threatening and manipulating and raping her repeatedly he was a sad case my hands are again I’ve cold I had to mention all that this is one more reason why I don’t want kids anymore and this country it’s unlivable. I can’t stay here. All my school friends are married to NRIs, and I don’t want to stay here either… in fact considering my thoughts and everything I should’ve been the first to move. All my school friends would think I was from there… Someone had even told me that I was too sophisticated to be here when it saw my old website (I don’t have it now) he was surprised it was made in India. We asked about the bathroom hardware btw, I just received a response and as guessed they’ve shifted everything to exports inspite being an Indian brand, all the good stuff is reserved for Dubai and other places… people who don’t deserve to be there (cheap bimbos) have already shifted, for me I just fell short of the mark because of my looks ur complexion I don’t know what to blame. Look at these beautiful velvety chenille cushions with all those intricate designs (traditional + Aztec) I have studied all this on my own… you don’t get this stuff in India btw, we get nothing here.

I somehow got those items, it’s me Zara after all I can’t keep something ugly or bad in that bathroom, there has to be congruity like everything else I’m always in sync with the universe. We felt like thieves though to buy things made in Rajasthan as if it was all smuggled. In India girls develop a defence mechanism from an early age, it might sound like really dreary and lascivious if I’ll keep bringing up this topic but in this particular article I feel like I’ll have to discuss it not explicitly but I’ll have to make you understand why as girls or more precisely as ineligible (darker toned females who don’t have a rich father to buy a bridegroom for her, who won’t be able to afford any dowry you might think times have changed BUT I literally heard someone in my own family shouting and saying “My best friend’s girl has several hotels at her name her father is a business tycoon and look at me I can’t woo anyone like that, where am I? Uske gf ke baap ki itni saari hotelein hai dekho and wht about me?” He doesn’t even want to get married. That same gf was so weird she had a deviant personality she locked him from outside while they were on a trip God knows for what reason and kept him under lock and key. He woke up locked in that room.

We deal with lecherous men from the age of 10-11 and all these educated men who are supposed to take care of us are feeding us to the wolves I wanted someone of my caliber to talk to who would understand my thoughts, who would’ve able to keep up with me and my conversations someone who himself is fathomable and not some illiterate incoherent cheap vulgar man like that creep from Bhopal YET I WAS FORCED to talk to him, they left me with no choice until I blocked him and he kept coming and harassing me, he was a perv and you know his story. Is that not FORCE? In fact it’s all UNFAIR it’s the other way round… I have dealt with married creepy ugly men touching me by taking advantage of the crowd on school trips - we feel molested and exploited we feel like killing ourselves, and when a girl gets rejected for no reason she didn’t even like got chance to probably get liked for her personality or other things (we put make more efforts than all those good looking fair rich girls hoping we’ll get chosen by someone or the other) but at the end we get rejected not only for love or CARE, (every girl’s fav word) but also for emotional, financial and physical security, we are deprived of that too. We can’t depend on our old parents when we are surrounded by so many pervs who are getting further encouraged by INTERNET. Now all the pseudo feminists will be like - “You can’t learn Judo Karate (some of us have certain illnesses and unfortunately the ones triggered by stress are skyrocketing amongst girls that too chronic destabilising ones like Lupus (systematic disorder) Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto’s syndrome, Neurasthénia which I got after fibro due to cov & 5th Mar stress ) They will say “You can’t learn kick boxing? Karate? Pork chop? Use pepper spray…?” At the risk of what? Incurring their wrath & getting acid thrown at our face? “You can’t ask for a raise?” They sometimes pay more to men cuz they are the sole bread winners in some families and at times single girls and boys BOTH are given a smaller paycheck. There are places where they do add more zeroes for men but even after bringing up that topic things haven’t changed for us… next “Why can’t you work during your pregnancy why take a maternity leave? You are a woman we are strong invincible we don’t need that, how old fashioned? Why take an epidural? Why Caesarean? Why can’t you juggle work life and kids both? Why have children? Too primitive? Why can’t you have kids? Too ambitious? (Well there are several other reasons) Why be a homemaker? Why become a working girl? Be modern we don’t work 9 to 5… Why can’t you just party, booze and smoke and then grow your own weed, sell it & become an entrepreneur… like a female Pablo Picasso… why can’t you? Is it only for men?” All these pseudo feminists will immediately ask these things, the moment you talk about being deprived of emotional, physical or financial security which is like the need of the hour right now for females they’ll start asking such nonsensical questions that you’ll feel like pulling a trigger in your mouth instead of answering them. But what I meant to say is that is what rejection is for us. We have no hope left and our future becomes uncertain and scary. Speaking of wanting to move somewhere abroad… I would’ve probably stayed back if I had someone here, you stay for people you love… I have no one to keep me here, they actually all want me to die they are waiting for that. No one cares about my life or me…

Considering everything that I had to hear… (my head is paining so please ignore all the errors/typos) and how people have behaved with me especially him and my mother, I don’t want that forcer chaser tag anymore so if you are ready to accept me only then you can approach or if you want be friends then I’m also cool with that but don’t be fickle like him, if you are not sure then either stay away or be honest… if you don’t want me but still want to be around and if you are okay with risking your integrity although I’m very good at keeping secrets then we can have a half open marriage like I had suggested earlier. I had written all this long ago…

Girls like me who are considered “untalkable” can only dream of a platonic relationship… in my dreams sometimes I have someone by my side holding my hand when I feel like I’m dying during those convulsions or tremors and violent jerking/twitching throughout my body, I get wheezing too and even my heart muscles go through that; having said that in real life it involves romantic feelings minus intimacy and it’s unimaginable to think that someone would like us, we can use the other house mates alternative which again considering how he has made me… ugly and all and how much my mother hates having me around, I feel it would be difficult for someone to put up with me in the same environment, she keeps praying for my death cuz she “cannot stand me” (just like the guy I loved the most) and ego would want to hang around? I always wanted to be with him, watch TV, shop together, put my arm around his neck, talk, do fun things like sharing those interesting or unbelievable bizarre stories (well I have a lot now) build our home, decorate it and spend our life together, now that life is gone along with 8-10 years of my youth, I could never be with him. When they create characters like us on screen they show us like psychos, one sided forcers, they do cover these things like watching tv or preparing breakfast but we are still shown as some creep who is forcing someone to be around & craving for their presence, fighting for their time and attention. They depict us like those psychos and we end up feeling more scared 😱 hence we never talk about this. Speaking of mutualism, well maximum of these stories start off as not only mutual but also with loads of attention from the opposite side, they lure you and then humiliate. Also, who would want to watch TV with me? I can crack jokes and make you laugh if you want to be House Mates, you won’t get bored and if you aren’t like my mother then you’ll even get used to my appearance and it won’t bother you after some time. Platonic is where you can watch movies or tv together, as house mates we can use the living area as a common room apart from that we will have our own space where we can stay separately, My head is paining a lot and I have a lot of fever so I’m gonna continue the funny story tomorrow…

Gn Zara Sauleh

Coincidences - www.lilacnights.com/post/stupid-cupid

My Dream Life 👇🏻

Just so you know… this is My Dream Life. This is what I want, a warm cosy home, sunsets by the lake, Amsterdam canals & rivers, round windows, quaint little shops, egrets & ducks, some puppies, warm amber lights, 90s vibes, freshly baked viennoiseries 🥐 and love + a little bit of tranquility. Credit for videos - | utrechtalive | & | elbgestoeber | (couldn’t tag cuz I’ve seen some bloggers asking ppl to take down their videos so didn’t want to tag them I have added their usernames)

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐲

𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲

𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐫𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬

𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬

𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧

🎻•••••••••••••••••••⛰️

shake this frost off of my bones

tags : marcheron, requested fic, i’m a sucker for country music, hurt/comfort, injured marchy, pet names, fluff, pond hockey szn, this is how i cope, can you tell i’m touch starved, ficlet

notes : i cant go out on the pond w the boys bc my ribs are probably cracked, sorry if this is a bad fic i tried but i’m super done w life rn 😇😇 also might be writing a new og series soon 👀

January 15th, 4:02pm

the sun beamed through the window, rays reflecting off the glistening snow that covered the lake just beyond the windows view. it was finally pond hockey season, but brad had to miss most of it.

per usual, he was chirping the other team and ended up getting hunted. normally he would just get back up and resume the play but this wasn’t the case.

he remembered the way knee twisted and made the most unsettling sound as he took a nasty hit. the strain on his muscles, the impact. he shuddered at the thought while the sound of sticks and pucks along with skates scraping and some vague yelling brought him back. he fixed his empty gaze to outside the window, were below his husband and a couple of the boys were playing some pickup hockey. the crossbar rang, irritated groans following.

minute after minute, hour after hours, the time passed ever so slowly. he was just left alone with his own thoughts while pat was out on the pond. the previously filled cups of water were drained, and the sun was starting to climb under the forested horizon. eventually, the endless pondering tired his mind out. brad shuffled under the sheets, raising his leg carefully to not enflame his knee more. he lied down on his side, facing the open window that displayed the rural massachusetts area. he silently examined the hills rolling over like a sea and how the frost gently touched the blades of grass and the dew on the trees. he pulled the fluffy blanket over his shoulders, steadying his breath as he let his eyes grow heavy. the sound of men yelling and all the ice scraping was silenced, replaced by the sudden sound of the door creaking open.

patrice padded in, carrying his skates by the guarded blades and his stick in the other hand. he caught a glimpse of the younger man lied down on his side, short unprepared brunette hair swept over his forehead. he side stepped, dropping off the equipment on a lounge chair in the corner, pushing away some leaves from an overgrown plant.

“pat?” brad rasped, slightly muffled by the blanket and pillow.

“it’s me, love.” the older man spoke softly.

“how long were you guys out there, felt like forever?” the younger man inquired, thinking back to how long he spent just staring off into the landscape.

“sunrise to sunset, the ponds gonna melt tomorrow so we might as well get everything out of it. i’m sorry if i spent to long out there, hun.” patrice responded, a slight twang of sorrow in his tired voice.

“it’s all good, i just miss being out there. sucks i had to stay in the whole day” brad assured. sound waves of his voice being lost to out the window.

“mhm.. how’s your leg?” patrice asked, stretching as the bottom of his hoodie lifted and exposed his midriff. the golden light highlited his abs and happy trail leading farther down. he strode over to the bed, climbing in next to his husband. he lied down beside him, gently slinging an arm over the smaller man’s waist. he craned his neck to lay a kiss behind his ear.

“not any better, but not any worse.” brad said as he slid his hand to interlock with pat’s.

“i’m sorry.. hang in there for me, okay?”

brad shuddered at his words, his husbands soft voice putting him at ease. he rolled over on his side with a struggle, facing patrice.

the bigger man touched his nose with a kiss. he brought his hand that was once laid on brads waist up to trace lines up and down his clothed back.

brads muscled tensed and relaxed under his touch, breathing in the scent of pines and a twang of beer.

“seriously, you boys drank without me?” marchy joked, a chuckle following his snarky remark.

“oh shut up you rat, what’s pond hockey without beer?” pat riposted following his annoyed yet playful comment.

“i hate you so much”

“i love you too, bud”

they both finished their back and forth with some stupidly short laughs, just basking in each others presence. chill day for the both of them in their own special ways.

“you made my day better, you know that?” brad broke the silence.

“that’s my goal, seems like i’m pretty good at it too” pat answered.

brad held back an smile from his smartass comment.

“i love your smile, marchy”

“oh shut up!” brad replied flustered, his own way of taking a compliment. he tilted his head up to meet his lovers lips with his own. the beer from earlier was still prominent as it was transferred to his tastebuds.

patrice reciprocated, returning the slowed kiss. the soon golden light faded out into stars on a clear night sky, shining through the window as a cold chill breezed by the open window. the stars shone bright tonight, creating an array of crystals in the sky. the pines swayed in unison, and the hills still rolled endlessly. damn what a beautiful sunday.